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Chapter 13 ~ Sometimes, You Just Need To Clean House
Tuesday
December 29th 1998
3:55 p.m.
Jane was back in front of her Mother's bookcase, just like at Christmas, but this time she was armed with an empty box she had picked up from behind a grocery store. How she came to the point where she was at this very minute was a strange little story, especially since it was not premeditated.
Elizabeth and William had given her a gift certificate for a home design store located at the mall, and Jane went to set up an appointment to have her apartment painted. She couldn't exactly remember which entrance the shop was closest to, so she parked in the center parking lot.
Traveling down the wide corridor, it was obvious to Jane that the weekend activities the mall hosted were well under way. The further she went in, the stronger the odor of hairspray became. As Jane neared the stage area, she knew what was going on.
Bright fabric, ruffled slips, and the distinct 'click' of patent leather shoes walking across tile stood in front of her when she stopped to watch; there was a beauty pageant going on.
In the pit of her stomach Jane felt the old, familiar knot of anxiousness she always experienced whenever she was a child participant herself. Jane usually avoided scenes like these, but today she decided to observe what was taking place before her. A glance at a sign and then her watch told her that the competition was to begin in ten minutes. Mothers with their reputations at stake were putting the final touches on their daughters while giving out last minute instructions.
"Let me see your teeth" came a high pitched female voice to her left, and Jane turned to see what was going on.
A 30ish year old woman opened a jar of Vaseline, dragging her finger over the clear petroleum while a pretty little girl stood still in front of her with an unnatural, over-exaggerated smile on her face. The woman briskly rubbed the child's teeth with the lubricant, and then went about putting the jar away while the girl opened and closed her mouth to distribute the Vaseline. This would make it easier for her to smile on cue for long periods of time without her mouth getting tired.
"Brenna, step back so I can look you over." The woman told her daughter without looking up from a make-up bag she was rummaging through. The little girl obeyed, meeting Jane's eyes for a brief second. The child didn't smile at her, but then again, if she had thought Jane was to be a judge today, she would have given her a splendid smile. Everyone knew that impressing the judges before the competition began was almost as important as doing well when it was your turn on stage.
The mother began tugging on the girl's dress because the skirt was a little lopsided.
"You're going to have to stand until it is your turn because this dress is not cooperating today." The woman grinned at her daughter. "You look beautiful, sweetie. Now, don't lick your lips or you'll wipe off your lipstick."
"Okay." The girl agreed absently. She was looking at another child several yards away. The mother checked to see what had caught her attention.
"That is a shame for her, I don't know why some people even waste their time. Poor child, she is not attractive at all." She shook her head in a patronizing fashion before picking up her blush brush.
"Come closer, Brenna."
Jane's eyes stayed on the child the woman had commented on. With great remorse Jane admitted to herself that the mother was right. The child did not have a chance of winning.
She had red hair, which never went over well at pageants. Even though it was a stunning shade of copper, it had too much of the wrong color and more wave than was acceptable. Even at a distance, Jane could see a few freckles, which was another no-no, and the child's dress was about a half-inch too long.
Jane felt pity for the child, and then walked away from the area. Today, these children with their big hair and painted faces would be paraded around and judged on something they really had no control over--the face they were born with. The whole concept made Jane sick to her stomach.
"Come over here right now. Lizzy has sticky hands and I don't want her touching you.""Yes, Mama."
"Jane, spin around for me. I want to see how pretty you look."
Jane did as her mother asked, and Rose was pleased with what was before her. She turned to another woman sitting next to her.
"What do you think, Martha?"
Martha smiled at Jane as she buckled her own daughter's shoes. She knew it would be Jane who would walk away with first prize today.
"Jane, you look lovely."
"Thank you, Ma'am." She waited for the woman to release her child's foot. "Carrie, would you like to walk around for a while?"
"Don't go far and for Heaven's sake, don't mess up your hair, Jane."
Jane took Carrie's hand and went over to a spot where no one else was standing.
"Are you nervous?" She whispered to her friend. She and Carrie had been in many competitions together during the past year.
"Yes, are you?"
"Yes. You look very nice today." Jane had heard her mother mention on numerous occasions that Carrie was her closest competitor, but it was Jane who always won. Jane's hair was a lighter shade of blond; her eyes were a little larger, and her smile more natural. Carrie tried her best, but she never could quite pull off first place.
"Jane, do you think you'll win again?" They were still whispering to each other so their mothers wouldn't hear.
"I don't know."
"I wish I could win."
Jane squeezed her friend's hand. "Maybe you will win today!"
Carrie smiled. "Maybe."
Carrie walked away with the honors of first place that day. Jane's performance was a little off, her smile dull, and she tripped while on stage. Her mother was displeased with Jane's actions, but it did not upset her daughter. Jane had a room full of ribbons and trophies, and now her friend Carrie had one too.
Jane kicked her empty box to a place in front of the bookcase. She was about to do something that she had wanted to do for years. Reaching down, she picked up the trophy that was in front of the others and deposited it into the box without reading the inscription on it.
It felt good.
Next went another into the box, and then another and another until the only trophy left was Mary's. Jane did read that one; Mary had won first place in a science fair. She put it back onto the shelf, placing it in the center. The only item left was the picture. It had been taken at a national competition in New York City. Rose had been so excited about Jane making it to the final round, and when she walked off the stage with fifth prize, Rose was satisfied. This was Jane's first really big show, and she believed that with enough exposure and practice, next year would turn out differently. Next year was different, Elizabeth became ill and the pageants ended.
Unceremoniously, Jane tossed the picture into the box just as her mother entered the family room.
"Jane! What are you doing?" Her eyes went from the box to the empty shelf and then to Jane.
"You told me I could have these whenever I found a good place for them. I'm taking them home, Mother. They are mine."
"But… Do you have to take them all? These are the best ones." Rose didn't know what else to say.
"Yes, I want them." Jane met her mother's eyes and she held her gaze. "Don't put the others down here. Leave them packed away."
"Why? What has gotten into you?" Rose was not accustomed to her daughter making demands and giving instructions. It was most confusing for her.
"It was twenty some years ago, mother. I don't see the need to leave these out anymore."
"Can I have at least one?"
Jane thought for a moment.
"You may have one." Rose looked over the contents of the box. "But, not the largest one."
Rose chose the fifth place national trophy.
"Remember what a time we had in New York? It was just the two of us." She asked as she held the trophy close to her. Rose wasn't sure if Jane would let her keep it or not, but this was the one she was always most proud of.
"I remember the carriage ride though the park, and tea at the Plaza. It was fun." Jane stood up. "Well, this is all I came for, so I'm going home now."
Rose was baffled by Jane's behavior and ventured to ask her something she had always been curious about.
"Did you like playing 'pageant' with me? I thought we had a good time at it." Rose knew what answer she wanted to hear, but wasn't quite sure about Jane's response. Jane gave her the truth.
"No." Picking up the box and balancing it on her hip, Jane gave her mother a kiss on the cheek. "I love you, Mama. I'll see you at Mary's wedding rehearsal tomorrow."
Jane did not have the intention of invoking anything close to deep thought in her mother, or regret. She was not after an apology or a heartfelt explanation. She just wanted to take her trophies and leave. And that she did.
When Jane pulled into the parking area of her apartment, instead of going to her space she drove over to the dumpster. She lifted the heavy lid covering it, and with a heave threw in the box. Jane knew that this would not erase the past, or make everything better, but she had wanted to do that for a long time. The fantasy had lived up to reality and it was everything she had hoped it would be.
10:40 p.m.
"Danielle, why don't you take a break. I'll sit with Lillian while you're gone."
"Thank you, Charles." Danielle picked up her book and left the room. She had been working for the Bingley family for almost two weeks now as the night duty nurse. Danielle, like Carol, was a trained Hospice nurse who worked for a private agency that assigned health care workers to terminal patients. Lillian Bingley now had round-the-clock attention due to the request of her grandson, and when Danielle or Carol were not in residence, several other fine individuals were.
"Babcia, you look well tonight. Would you like me to read to you?" Lillian had stopped reading her book a week ago because she was having trouble staying awake. Charles took over the task and read it aloud for her every day. Lillian wanted to finish it.
"Not yet. Let's talk." Her voice had been getting weaker over the past few days, but tonight she had some things she wanted to tell Charles.
Charles sat in his usual chair and smiled over at her. Caroline and Louisa would be leaving tomorrow and the peace that knowledge gave both he and Lillian was evident. This was the first visit in over five years where Caroline had not stayed at Louisa's apartment in downtown Chicago, instead opting to be close to her grandmother. Of course, Louisa could not bear to be away from (or be out done by) her 'Dear Sister', so she had to stay in the house too.
"Today I spent a lot of time thinking about your mother. I now believe that I made a great error after your father died. I should have insisted on your staying with her, even if I had to live in the house next door to take care of you. Looking back, I see that I made it too easy for Susan, and I am beginning to wonder if my own selfishness was not at fault."
"How so?"
"You were a part of your father, and your presence gave me and your grandfather comfort after he passed away." Lillian reached over and put her hand on his arm. "When you were a baby, your mother used to take you everywhere with her. She was so proud of you. Susan rarely put you down for long, and I was worried that you would turn out spoiled."
Charles put his hand over hers. Lillian did not speak often about his mother, but neither did he.
"But, spoiled you were not. You were a loved baby. Charles, I knew what Susan was capable of when it came to her love for you. With some time and fortitude, she could have gotten over her grief and taken care of you again. If we would have made her go to a doctor, or put her into a hospital, her life might have turned out different. But, I let her slip away after Jonathan died. I should have done more. "
"It is not your fault for what happened to Susan."
"If I would have had more patience, maybe Susan would have survived. And maybe Caroline and Louisa would have turned out more like you."
Her compliment was not lost on him. Charles knew Lillian was proud of him, but knowledge of the home life his mother had made for his sisters led him believe that living with Gregory and Lillian was the best thing that could have happened to him.
"I am what I am because of you, but let's not argue about this tonight." Charles smiled at her and for once, Lillian let him rest the subject without further discussion. "We all did the best we could, Babcia."
They did not speak for a short time until Lillian asked him a question that she had been keeping to herself.
"Where is Jane?"
His being home every night, not mentioning her name and quietness tipped Lillian off that something was not right. If his sisters had not been there making life difficult on all, she would have said something earlier.
"Jane needs some time to herself. She had a very bad marriage and still has to get over some things before she'll be comfortable with anyone else."
"What are 'things'?" Lillian did not like it when Charles refrained from using proper terminology with her. She preferred the facts, even when given in words she did not understand.
Charles shook his head. "I know, but I don't know. Does that make sense?"
"No."
Charles spent some time explaining what happened after Jane had seen him with Ellen. Lillian was not happy hearing Ellen's name, but as he told the story, she realized that he was over what had happened between them all those years ago. He covered the chain of events that happened in those 24 hours, leaving out only his most private words and thoughts.
"Do you love Jane?"
"Yes."
"Does Jane love you?"
"She never said it aloud, but Jane gave me every reason to believe she did."
"Jane is a rare gift, and I think you can be happy together. I hope you don't let her go."
"I can't make her change her mind, Babcia, and I won't force myself on her. Please, don't think that I am just lying down and giving up, but Jane has been through so much. I can't make it harder on her."
"And your love will make her life harder?" Lillian raised her eyebrows at him. She knew her grandson well enough to know that he would not purposely harm anyone. He was very much like his grandfather in that respect.
"I think you just twisted my words." Charles gave her hand a squeeze. "I always know when you're getting to a point. What is you really want to say?"
"Only this...if it is Jane you want, don't wait too long." With love shining in her eyes, Lillian continued on a lighter note. "I love Jane, too. She is a kind, generous, good person. I want to see her back in this house so I have someone to share my chocolate with. She is such a little bird, it won't be long before I can have her looking like my side of the family."
"Good luck. I've met two of Jane's sisters; they're all little birds. So," Charles leaned over and kissed her cheek, "you're going to have to fatten up me instead."
"You're no fun!"
"So I've been told." Charles chided. "How about me reading to you now?"
"Wnuczek, get the book."
Chapter 14 ~ "You Should Really Take Your Own Advice"
Thursday
December 31 1998
9:33 p.m.
The reception was in full swing. Champagne was flowing, food was abundant and the band was actually pretty good. Mary was a beautiful bride in her simple silk gown, and there was not a parasol, big hat or hoop skirt in sight. She had given her sister's free reign in selecting their own dresses, and they did not disappoint. Like her, they steered clear of the traditional choice, instead going with a spaghetti-strapped gown with a snug top and full skirt.
Not a soul in attendance could say the elegance of the ceremony was diminished by the shortness of the guest list. Mary and Steven could not have been more pleased with the way the events of the early afternoon turned out and it showed on their faces as they danced together in the center of the large ballroom.
With a glass of wine in her hand, Jane searched the room for her escort. Frederick had readily agreed to his cousin's request to be her official 'date' for the wedding. They both viewed the opportunity as an escape from having to arrive alone and answer questions about why they didn't bring anyone to the reception.
Jane had temporally lost Frederick while she was at the bar, but eventually found him sitting at a table away from the crowd. She picked up a whiskey sour sitting on the bar and walked over his way.
"Here you are, Cousin Freddie." She sat his drink down in front of him. "You know, that stuff will kill you."
"Promises, promises!" He teased. "Thank you, Jane."
"Are you allowed to drink?" The thought crossed her mind as she watched him take a small sip from the glass.
"Tonight I am. I'm down to pain killers and I didn't need any today."
Frederick looked out at the dance floor. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen so many familiar faces together in the same place. Most he could name, but as the years passed, he found that keeping track of each individual was becoming more and more difficult.
"Tell me, Jane. When did it happen? When did our family population explode?"
Jane smiled. "I was wondering the same thing. I think a quarter of the people here are from Steven's side, the rest are our family and friends."
"Who do you think will be the next married?"
"Oh, you never can tell." Jane did not feel she was the best judge of what qualified as an altar bound couple.
"I think it will be your sister Elizabeth." Frederick watched her dancing with William and he thought his observation was quite obvious.
"We'll see." Jane took his hand. "Frederick, let's dance."
Frederick paled a little at her suggestion. He had not even considered dancing since his accident.
"Jane, I don't think I can."
"I will help you," she replied softly. Jane understood his reluctance.
"Jane…" He did not want to appear a fool out in front of everyone by loosing his balance or looking ridiculous while trying to dance. Frederick's pride would not allow it. He would rather not try than to try and fail.
"We could dance right here next to the table. No one will notice us and if it doesn't work out, our chairs will be near by." With optimism, she waited for his reply.
"Don't let me fall," he said seriously to her under his breath.
"I won't." Jane rose from her chair and went to stand in front of him. Placing his canes out of path, she took both of his hands in hers and helped him up. Frederick was a very tall, sturdy built man of 6'4", but she was not intimidated by his height. Jane moved the chair he was sitting in out from behind him while he used the table for balance. They were ready to try.
"I like this song." Frederick commented as he put his arms around her. Jane and Frederick were as platonic as brother and sister, so the distance between them was respectable and a little too far. He asked her to move closer because he was tilting forward.
His movements started out stiff but he gradually began gain control over his sway. It had been ages since he had last danced with anyone, and in truth, Frederick doubted he ever would again. But, he couldn't disappoint his sweetheart of a cousin. Jane had been his sounding board when he had needed her after his accident, and if she wanted to dance, Frederick would dance. He placed his cheek against the top of her head and allowed the music lead them.
"Does this hurt?" She wasn't sure if his leg braces were rubbing or not.
"No, not at all. My Physical Therapist will give you a medal for the suggestion."
Jane could feel his smile through her hair. She knew Frederick and his P.T. had a long running war of wills going on between them, but they were making progress in spite of each other. Frederick had come a long way from the man he was only a year ago, and Jane held faith that the braces would soon be a thing of the past.
"Did you ever find a model for your project?" Jane had refused his offer; modeling wasn't something that she felt comfortable doing, and she had forgotten to follow up to see if his search was successful.
"Yes. Amanda is her name." His smile faded. "But, it isn't the same."
Jane knew exactly what he meant and his rule of not saying 'her' name aloud was obviously still in force. He had lost his beloved model and loved one over a year ago. Frederick never got over her, even though his own pride was partly at fault. She was still out there…if only he would pick up the phone.
"How long are you going to wait before you try to get a hold of her?"
"I'm not, Jane." Frederick answered. "She deserves better than what I am."
"What do you mean by that?" Her tone was brisk. Jane was not about to let Frederick say that his physical condition was a reason for 'Her' to not want to be with him.
"It's not just the braces; I was so selfish toward her. If only I could go back and change most of what I said and did. Maybe she would not have went away."
"Frederick, we can only learn from the past. All of the wishing in the world won't change it, but if we change because of it…we win. Don't live in the past, Frederick. You'll only miss out on life if you do. Remember the lessons you have conquered, and move on."
Frederick looked down at his cousin's eyes while he digested her words. He did not know about Jane's own situation with Charles, or else he would have repeated the same wisdom back to her.
"When did you get so worldly?" His question made her smile.
"I've always been worldly, didn't you know that?"
"No!" Frederick put his cheek back against her head. He always felt better after spending time with Jane and felt blessed knowing that she was watching out for him. All he lacked was the courage to act on her suggestion.
"One more thing, Frederick. You dance beautifully."
This would be the last night he would be able to sit on the couch and watch the lights on the Christmas tree. Tomorrow he would take it down.
Charles reached over to a side table and searched with his hand until he located his drink. Decaf coffee always had a calming affect on him, and the aroma of the hazelnut beans wafting through the air gave him comfort. As he held the warm mug in his hands, he really relaxed for the first time in over a week.
Grateful his office was closed for the holidays until January 4th, Charles realized that he had not been spending his free time productively as of late, but few going through a separation from a lover rarely do. Unless otherwise occupied, Jane was ever-present in his thoughts.
Earlier tonight, his urge to just go down to the Swiss Hotel was so strong that he had his coat on and keys in hand. But he stopped himself before he walked out of the door. Jane had made her views known, and he had to respect them.
Charles always saw to it that other people's wishes were put first.
This Christmas he withstood the 'Thespian Troop' (also known as his two sisters) visiting. They were both in rare form as they complained, whined and wept their way through the longest five days of the year. Caroline had had the audacity to ask about her inheritance at the Christmas dinner table. Actually, it was the table she was asking about. Caroline had some dealer out in California lined up to auction off any of the original Frank Lloyd Wright pieces she would receive upon Lillian's death, and she knew the complete dining room set would bring a high price. Thankful that Lillian did not join them downstairs for the meal; Charles answered his sister's inquiry bluntly.
"Now is not the time to discuss this matter, so don't ask. I think your curiosity can wait a while, don't you?"
Charles actually knew everything listed in Lillian's will, because she had shared it with him a few months ago. Louisa and Caroline were going to be very disappointed, but Lillian refused to change her mind about the disbursement of funds and property. Each woman would receive a hefty sum of money, a few jewels, and nothing else. Lillian made her decision and did exactly what she desired. The women never called or visited unless it was to gain favor or money, and his grandmother was too bright not to notice their behavior.
If Charles were to follow his grandmother's example and act on his own desires right now, he would be down at the Swiss Hotel letting Jane know that he would help her with whatever was causing her distress. He would also tell her again how much he loved her, because it was the truth and he wanted her to know.
If.
Charles twisted on the couch and reached for the phone.
5 minutes later.
Jane was not in her room. Eyeing the grandfather clock in the corner of the room, he made his decision.
11:58
Frederick had left the reception around 10 p.m. with his sister and Jane suddenly found herself alone, but not for long. Several gentlemen asked her to dance and after two glasses of wine, Jane accepted some of the offers coming her way.
Clay Rittis, a friend of Steven's, asked her to dance before she heard the band announce that it was almost New Year 1999. If she had known the time, she would have conveniently been in the restroom. This was the plan she had started the evening with, knowing Frederick would be leaving early. Now she was stuck.
The band play a tape of Prince's '1999' before the countdown began. People were crowding onto the dance floor and Jane was forced to move closer to Clay than she preferred.
"You look very pretty tonight." He said loudly enough for her to hear him above the music. "I've wanted to dance with you ever since I saw you come in tonight."
Jane politely nodded her head and gave him a brief smile.
"I heard you were a beauty, but I never imagined you would be as gorgeous as you are." Clay was thrilled to be dancing with the most attractive woman in the room, other than the bride, of course.
"Thanks, Clay." She did not say this with any enthusiasm, but it didn't matter. Clay could not hear her over the band as they started the count down. Jane looked around her for a way off the dance floor, but she was getting pushed even closer to him. Clay put his arm around her as the people shouted "five".
Jane tried to wiggle herself free, but he just held on tighter thinking she was getting crowded.
"Three"
"Clay, I don't…" Jane started to panic.
"One"
Clay smiled and kissed her on the lips before she could pull her head back. His hand was on her bare back and she shrugged to get him to move it, but someone bumped into Jane sending her right into him. She could feel him trying to part her lips and it made her feel ill. Her mind was screaming for her to get away. It wasn't right, she didn't want to be kissed by this man, and it wasn't …like it was with Charles. Jane stomped on his foot as hard as she could.
"Ouch."
"I never said you could kiss me!" Jane yelled over the noise. "Get your hands off of me, now!"
Shocked by her attitude, Clay raised his hands where she could see them. Her face was red and she was infuriated.
"Sorry, Jane. I didn't know." He began to stumble for an excuse for his behavior.
"Like hell you didn't." Jane shoved people out of her way as she left him standing behind her.
She walked off of the dance floor and out toward the lobby. Jane was finished with the party tonight. Just as she reached the doors, the band began their next song. Jane stopped in her tracks and listened as 'Lady in Red' filled the room.
Her and Charles's first date came back to her memory and it was all so clear as if she could relive it. Jane remembered dancing with him on their first date, and how comfortable it was. They had danced together for almost the same amount of time it had taken them to finish their dinner. He had kissed her in public while they were out on the floor, and it didn't bother her. Yet, realistically, they were strangers to each other. But it never felt that way. Jane closed her eyes as the chorus of the song played.
Charles… You have no idea how much I want to pick up the phone and call you right now. But I can't use you as a crutch. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I have to learn to stand on my own feet.
She tried to wipe off Clay's kiss with the back of her hand. It was awful and all wrong. Jane sat in a chair near the door while the song played.
From the time at William's party when I met you, you made me 'feel'. At first it was anger, but it was also the first real emotion that I had in a long, long time other than self-pity. It was so much easier for me to be cut off from other people, I didn't have to worry, or care, or love. And I didn't have to face myself because no body knew. Charles, I know you can't hear this, but I loved you, too.
I never told you this, but I caught Eric once. It was in a crowded bar, like the one I saw you in. Strange, but he was sitting at a corner table, too. After work a group of us decided to go out, and there he was. I was devastated, horrified, and humiliated. Everyone I was with from work saw Eric with that woman, and I couldn't excuse it away because he was kissing her.
Seeing you kiss someone else just brought it all back. I do believe you, I don't think she was anyone but an old acquaintance, but if you could have felt what I was going through, maybe you'd understand.
At some point in my life I lost the ability to deal with emotions.
With the hollowness she had arrived home with back in early November, Jane opened her eyes and walked out of the room.
Not paying attention to her surroundings, Jane passed an available elevator as she took the long way back to the lobby to get to the set of elevators she had used earlier this evening. She walked slowly, letting her mind wander freely.
The shoes she had been wearing all day were hurting her feet. Jane leaned against the wall, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes before she removed them. She figured no one would notice she was barefoot since her long, pale pink gown touched the floor. Well, the shoes she was carrying might give it away, but at this point Jane really didn't care. She was just glad to have them off.
Smoothing out the gown, Jane started walking some more. Other than the scene with Clay, tonight turned out just fine. The only other embarrassing situation she found herself in was crying through Mary and Steven's wedding, but Elizabeth had been prepared with extra tissues for her.
Jane smiled to herself as she thought about Mary. She remembered playing peek-a-boo with her when she was a baby, and helping her wash her hair when they were children. Jane could picture them both in the bathtub, giggling while she poured water over her sister's head. Now Mary was all grown up and married. For some reason, possibly sentimental, she still thought of her younger sisters as exactly that--younger. As far as she was concerned, the Bennet girls were not supposed to grow up. They were supposed to always stay youthful and carefree in a bubble where things like divorce, money, broken hearts, and sickness did not exist. And Jane would be in there with Elizabeth, Mary, Katt, and Lydia, watching over them and keeping harm at bay.
Silly, idealistic girl.
The same strand of hair that disturbed her just a moment ago once again fell on her face. Reaching back to her bun, Jane removed the pins holding it up. She didn't hear anyone nearby, so she bent forward and raked her fingers through her hair, releasing the tightly woven pattern the hairdresser had made. With a quick flip of the head, her hair fell loosely onto her shoulders and she continued on, putting the pins in her shoe.
The rustling of her gown was echoing off the walls and it distracted Jane as she watched it move while she walked. The empty hallway seemed like a mile long, and she wondered how much farther it went on.
Jane looked up from the carpeted floor and stopped. Charles was standing about twenty-five feet away. Watching her decent down the hall made him recognize that within himself, he did not have the strength to let Jane go. This time there was no closed door between him and her, only mere air, but Charles could not have walked closer to her even if he tried. This was as close as his conscience would allow him to come.
If Jane turned her back on him now, or passed by without a word, then from some source he would have to find the power to accept that she would not be a part of his life again. Charles could only wait and let her make the next move.
But Jane did not move. Of all the people, she did not expect to see him tonight. Not here standing in front of her. It was so difficult for her to look upon him, yet she could not tear her eyes away.
A picture of Frederick's lonely, heartbroken face appeared before her, and suddenly so much became clear. Frederick was afraid to love, although it is all his heart desired. He spent his days alone, thinking that he was unworthy to receive anyone's true affections. Just like Jane was doing now.
Jane didn't want to loose Charles like Frederick had lost Anne. She didn't want to spend her days wondering about what might have been, or living in a state of fear that kept her from finding out. And she didn't want to get to a point in her life where she couldn't say his name aloud because of the regret she forced herself to live with.
But what of her resolve to straighten out her life before she involved anyone else in it? She felt so far away from achieving the normalcy she craved. It wouldn't be fair to Charles to drag him along with her as she went on a quest for stability. He had such a calm, uncomplicated life, and he deserved to live it without the storm clouds she would surely bring with her.
Yet, he was here under his own free will.
Love would be silenced no more, and from the dark recesses of Jane's mind came a thundering voice that spoke the truth with great confidence.
He loves me for who I am. Charles has never met Jane the perfect hostess, or Jane the dutiful wife. He has never seen me perform for strangers, or smile when I felt like screaming. All he knows is who I am now. This is the Jane that he loves, and this is the Jane I have become. I have shown him the side of me that has been dormant for too long, and he accepts me for it. I have showed him my true self.
Dropping her shoes in a reflex action, she gathered a mass of pink taffeta in each of her hands and lifted the bottom of her skirt off of the floor.
Jane ran those twenty-five feet until she was caught by the arms of the man she loved most in the world. Her own arms wrapped around his neck as he lifted her off the floor and she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was where she belonged.
He had waited for her to come to him, and she did. Charles held onto her as tightly as he could without hurting her. The wordless declaration of her love was more than he had expected and the emotions it stirred within him made him forget where he was. He was holding Jane, and nothing else mattered. But Charles was mistaken in this thought; there was something else that did matter…
"I love you, Charles." She whispered as the side of her face pressed closely to his.
"Jane," he didn't trust his hearing, "say it again."
"I love you, Charles."
He held her even closer before putting her down. Any anguish he had been experiencing since they were apart disappeared when she said those words a second time. Taking her hand in his, Charles lead her back a few feet out of the view of the lobby and rested her back against the wall. Protectively shielding her from the view of anyone whom might pass by; he cupped her face with both of his hands and rested his forehead against hers.
"I love you, too, Jane." His lips instinctively tried to search out hers, but he held back. Charles wanted to savor every second of the moment.
She had pools of tears beginning to form, and Charles didn't want her to cry. Running his thumbs under her eyes, he gently removed the drops that had fallen without breaking the gaze they had locked between them.
"Please say you forgive me," she spoke in an undertone as her own hands touched his face. "I'm so sorry."
"Forgive you for what? You did nothing wrong."
"I didn't mean to hurt you." Jane's breathing was raspy. "I wasn't there when you needed me. I should have been."
""No, no, no." he whispered, "Jane…don't even say that."
"But, I…"
"You don't have to ask for my forgiveness. Honestly. I understood…I just couldn't wait anymore. I've been wrestling with my conscience since I left your apartment. I love you, Jane, and I couldn't wait…"
Jane tilted her head up and caught his lips. It felt like forever since she had last kissed him and he tasted like hazelnut and cream. She shut her eyes tight against outside distraction as she reacquainted herself with the gentle feel of his mouth upon hers. It wasn't long before the gentleness gave way to a more powerful competitor, and devotion was victorious as they tried to step into each other's skin.
"We should take this out of the hallway." Charles nodded his head in the direction of the people who had just passed them.
"I agree. I'll go get my shoes."
"We'll go together." With his arm wrapped around his waist, they traveled back down to where Jane had dropped them.
"I'll get those for you." He reached down and picked her pumps up with every intention of carrying them.
He turned; ready to go back toward the lobby, when his eyes meet with hers. Jane looked seriously back at him and what she said next was a little confusing to him.
"You open doors for me."
Charles dropped the gaze while he tried to figure out her meaning.
"I don't understand." It was obvious he was confused, so Jane pulled him to the side explained herself in a hushed tone.
"You open doors, and pull out chairs, you bring flowers and call to make sure I made it home safely."
"I think it is habit…" Charles realized that he didn't really know much about modern dating or the rules involved. He hadn't given it much thought, but if he was breaking some sort of conduct code it was unintentional.
"It isn't habit, Charles. It's natural. You are so good, not only to me but the people around you. It is a part of the reason I love you." He brought his free hand up to caress her face while she finished. "Sometimes your kindness is overwhelming because it is so sincere. I'm not prepared to be treated so..."
"You deserve better than anything I could give you. I watch you and I see that nothing I will ever do could make up for what you do for me. I've been waiting for you for so long, Jane, without realizing it."
"I adore you," she mouthed with almost no sound, "thank you for returning."
The conversation was getting entirely too personal to finish out in public. There were many things each wanted to tell the other, and the raw emotions that were surfacing threatened to break free at any moment. Jane's eyes were once again glistening with heartfelt tears while Charles had to break their eye contact, lest he loose what little control he still had.
"Charles, let's go up to my room where we can have some privacy." He agreed with a shake of his head. "Dang it, I just remembered that my room key is in a clutch I left at the reception. I have to go get it."
"Do you want me to wait in the lobby?"
"No, come with me." They walked slowly back to the reception room, once again with their arms around each other. When they reached the doors, Jane removed hers and reached over for his hand. She gave an uncertain smile and took a step in, but Charles did not move. Turning around, she questioned him silently.
"There are a lot of people and your relatives in there. Why don't I wait for you here?" Charles knew how she felt about the attention of her family being placed on her. If it would make it easier for Jane for him to be unseen, he didn't have a problem with it.
Jane thought about the offer. What he said was correct, the room was still full, but…
"No, I would prefer if you came with me. We'll try to slip in and out as quietly as possible."
They made it to the table she had shared with her cousin earlier in the evening and Jane looked around. Her sister Katt was nearby talking to a few young ladies close to her own age. Jane called her over knowing that her trips home were few and far between and she might not have a chance to introduce Charles to her for a while.
"Charles Bingley, this is my sister, Catherine Bennet. She is a student at Seattle University."
Katt was a gentle conversationalist who held a small smile while she listened to him. The soft manner in which she spoke reminded him of Jane. Katt was friendly, yet reserved, and he felt Jane must have been an influence on her as she was growing up, because the younger sister showed some of the positive aspects of the older.
It made him happy to see the two sisters exchange hugs as Jane told her goodnight. The bond between them was strong; no one who saw them together could have an opinion otherwise.
Jane watched as her sister went back over to her friends and then spied her mother coming toward her with a look of determination.
"Mother!" She said under her breath. "Let's dance."
Charles took off his coat and led her out to the dance floor without hesitating. The song was a slow one, which suited their needs. Holding Jane out at arm length, they smiled at each other while feeling rather sneaky.
"As soon as her attention goes elsewhere, we'll leave." Jane divulged her plan to him as if she were a spy relaying a top-secret message.
"All right." He winked at her.
The longer the music played, the closer they inched to each other. It wasn't long before Jane stopped looking in the direction of her mother, and rested her head against his shoulder. It felt so right, moving to the music with him and knowing that tomorrow he would still be with her. If not in body, then in spirit and mind. She closed her eyes and relaxed in his embrace.
Charles tried (he really did try) not to touch her or make his love for Jane too obvious to the others in the room. But when she lightly pressed herself closer to him, and he could feel her breathing, he abandoned all pretenses of casualness and acted the part of a man in love.
Since neither had their eyes open, they were unable to see the satisfied faces of the people nearest to them. Katt had looked up from her discussion and shyly smiled when she saw them together. Steven noticed Jane and Charles and pointed out the couple to Mary. She could not have been happier. Rose Bennet watched her oldest daughter with warmth in her heart. She hadn't seen Jane look this peaceful since she had returned home. Rose went in search of her husband to give him the good news. Elizabeth had been watching Jane since she entered the room. When William came back from the bar, she told him all she had observed. Stepping out onto the dance floor, William and Elizabeth went to stand next to them.
"Jane, Mama isn't looking. Now is your chance to leave."
Jane opened her eyes and smiled sweetly at her sister. Leave it to Elizabeth to know what was going on.
"William and I will block her view. Go while you can." She beamed at them. Elizabeth had always been a closet romantic.
With that, Jane and Charles collected their belongings and left the room hand in hand.
They stepped into the elevator with an older couple. Jane pushed her floor button and leaned her back against Charles's chest as his arms went around her. They both smiled at the other couple but didn't say a word.
He rested his chin on her shoulder, breathing against her ear. Jane shivered and put her own arms on top of his while wiggling closer to him. Catching a glimpse of their 'neighbors' faces, she shot an innocent look back at the older man's disapproving one.
"Are you cold?" Charles whispered dangerously close to her neck. Goosebumps popped out on her bare arms but Jane shook her head no. She liked this--she hated this, well, she only hated this because there were other people nearby and they were in an elevator.
They stopped on the ninth floor and the other couple got out. As the doors were closing and Jane was certain they would be alone, she rested the back of her head on his shoulder and asked him a question.
"What made you decide to come downtown tonight?"
"I was watching the Christmas lights and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I knew you didn't want me around, but I had to come."
"I did want you around, but… Right before you saw me in the hall, I had to spend some time convincing myself that I was doing the right thing—for both of us. Charles, I still think you would be better off with someone who wasn't carrying around so much baggage, but I'm selfish enough to want to keep you all to myself."
"Jane, what happened in Champaign? Was this when you started to doubt your value?" Charles was not uncomfortable asking Jane the question he did. During the time together since their first date, Charles and Jane had had many long conversations, but the subjects of Eric and Ellen were not a part of them. Both knew that they would share their stories with each other some day, but it never came about.
Jane let out a low breath and confessed an uncomfortable admission. "Sometimes I still hear his voice, instructing me...or criticizing me. I should have left Eric a long time ago, but I was paralyzed with fear of the unknown and a feeling of being a failure."
Charles tightened his hold on her. "I wish I would have known you so many years ago, so I could have been there instead of him. I was so close to going to the Champaign-Urbana campus, but decided at the last minute to stay in Chicago."
"I wish you were there too."
"Jane, I love you."
"I know you do." Jane brought his hand up from her waist and kissed it. The elevator doors opened on the 23rd floor.
"This is my floor, Charles. Can you stay?"
"Yes."
Chapter 15 ~ Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That
I'm really tired, so I hope this comes out right.
Friday
January 1 1999
6:55 p.m.
"Okay, this is for the pink pie. Here is the question: Who was credited with saying 'I have never met a man that I didn't like'?"
Jane looked over to her partner and grimaced. The blank look on Lydia's face told her that she was alone on this question. Jane dug deep into her memory, but famous quotations were never her forte.
"I have no idea." She answered hopelessly.
"Come on, Jane," Katt urged. "Take a guess."
"Marilyn Monroe?"
"No!" Katt laughed while she gave Chris a high five. "The answer is "Will Rogers."
Jane grinned across the table the two of them. The teams were not exactly evenly matched. Chris and Katt's only weak spot was the dreaded pink questions, while Lydia had contributed little to their team except in the area of Sports and Leisure. Still, it had been a good day spent with her sisters, even if Jane's thoughts often drifted to wondering what Charles had been doing since she had last seen him.
It was at 10:30 this morning when Katt called her hotel room. The pitch of the ring was so high that it woke Jane instantly. She reached out in the direction of the noise and her hand brushed against Charles's shoulder. Opening her eyes, Jane smiled at his sleeping form before she crawled over him and answered the phone.
"What?"
"Good morning, Jane. Lydia and I are ready when you are. We're going downstairs for brunch with Elizabeth, and I thought you may want to come with us."
Katt was far too chipper for an exhausted Jane.
"I can be in the restaurant," Jane suddenly realized she had slept in the gown she had worn in Mary's wedding. A quick check on Charles (still in his clothes from last night) told her that they must have fallen asleep while they were talking. "I'll meet you in 20 minutes."
"We'll wait for you." Katt offered.
"No, go ahead and eat. I need to get cleaned up."
"Very well. I'll see you soon."
Jane hung up the phone and felt a warm hand on her arm.
"You're cold." He said as he felt her goosebumps under his fingers. Charles pulled back the blanket to make room for Jane. She took the invitation and snuggled close to him.
Last night had been incredible, but not in the way most would assume. They had spent until the wee hours of the morning sharing pasts and talking freely with one another. Charles and Jane had always been open in their conversations, but there were several sensitive subjects they had never broached until this night. Eric, Ellen, mothers and family were all brought out into the open, and as the eyes became sleepy and the sentences shorter, both fell into peaceful slumber knowing they had found someone in which they could place their trust.
"I'm tired of playing Trivial Pursuit. Can we take a break and get something to eat?" Lydia asked her sister cautiously. She was still stinging from something Jane had said to her earlier in the evening.
"That sounds like a good idea. There's some pizza left if you want it."
"Do you have anything sweet?" Lydia went over the refrigerator and started rummaging.
"I have some sugar free ice cream in the freezer."
"Well, that isn't exactly what I was thinking of. Is there something else?"
While Jane was doing an inventory check in her mind, Chris spoke up.
"Jane, I have some goodies downstairs. I'll find us something."
"Thank you, Chris." Jane was glad she invited her neighbor to join them tonight.
"I'll help you." Katt got up and stretched, waiting for Chris to get his lumbering frame up from the chair. Jane's eyes stayed focused on Lydia during this time. She had made an off-handed remark about his weight earlier, and Jane had found a private moment to chew her out about it. Chris was an invited guest in her home and a nice young man. Jane was not about to have her younger sister insult or embarrass him.
After Katt and Chris were on their way downstairs, Jane joined Lydia in the kitchen.
"Now that we are alone, do you understand why I was angry with you earlier?" If nothing else, Jane wanted to make sure Lydia understood the error of her ways.
Lydia shrugged her shoulders uncomfortably. She had never seen Jane as provoked as she was when she was lecturing her in the bedroom.
"You're going to find out later in life that it doesn't matter what anyone looks like. The only thing that is important is what is inside of them. How would you like it if someone said something about your appearance?"
"I wouldn't care…" Lydia attempted to defend herself, but her effort was half-hearted because she knew Jane was right.
"Yes, you would." Jane did not raise her voice to her sister, but stressed her words to make her point. "I can tell you spend a lot of time primping yourself. Think about it, Lydia. Don't you think Chris knows he's heavy? You don't need to point it out."
Lydia looked away ashamed. Guilt and conscience are powerful teachers when combined.
"I'm sorry." She said without pretense of innocence.
"Think before you speak. If you do this, it will save yourself and other people a world of hurt later." Brushing the hair back from Lydia's shoulder, Jane looked closely at her. She did love her sister, and hoped with time she would grow to like her, too.
"Is it okay if I go downstairs with Katt?"
"You might want to apologize to Chris while you are down there."
Lydia's eyes went wide at the thought of admitting she was rude to his face. After spending the last hour and a half with Chris, she had to admit he was a decent, funny guy. Why bring up something she said when she first met him? Luckily for Lydia, Katt came back into the apartment and this ceased her deliberation for the time being.
"Lydia, Chris has three computers downstairs and an interesting set-up. Would you like to come see it?"
She looked over to Jane for permission.
"Go." Jane smiled at her little sister. There was hope for the girl yet, if only Jane could get her to think.
Katt had brought up a large bowl from Chris's when she had entered Jane's apartment. She sat it down on the kitchen table.
"Jane, Chris asked me to bring this for you. He said that he found these out of season Bing cherries at his market and thought you might like them."
"Thank you, Katt." She turned her attention away from Lydia to see what Katt was referring to.
"Would you like to come down with us?"
Jane stared at the bowl while she absently answered Katt. "I need to do a few things first. You two have fun."
"Are you sure? I don't want you to think we are abandoning you."
"You're not, Katt. I'll come down in a minute." Jane actually was cherishing the thought of a moment to herself. Her mind had already begun working once she recognized the fruit.
"Okay, let's go Lydia."
After the girls left the apartment, Jane went over to the bowl. She picked up a dark red cherry by the stem and twisted it between her thumb and forefinger watching it spin.
Bing cherries. Bing...cherries. Bing.
"THAT'S IT!" Jane ran and got her dream journal, bringing it back with her to the table. Sitting in a chair in front of the bowl, she flipped to the last page.
No, that's the Commando dream. The page before it.
Her eyes quickly scanned the page until she came to the reference about the cherries. Sweet, dark cherries that left me with a feel of being satisfied. Jane popped the cherry into her mouth…it was sweet.
She read further.
In the beginning of the dream I was possessive of the bowl, but later on the Confederate General ended up holding it. Why? Why would that General want to hold the Bing cherries. Hum. I wonder who the General was?
Jane smacked her hand on the table.
She couldn't believe she missed it. It was General Lee. When she combined the names of Bing cherries and General Lee.
Bingley!
Jane read further. The general kept repeating the word 'Right'.
Now that was easy. Bingley is right!
Bingley is right? About what? Or is it just that 'Bingley is right'? For what?
She needed to read more of the dream to figure out where the statement 'Bingley is right' fit in. Her eyes scanned the page and stopped when pattern on the dress caught her attention. Jane knew there had to be a reason for the existence of it. She closed her eyes and tried to bring back the memory of it, but a picture of Mary's Unity candle from her wedding came to mind instead. It was of the same design.
Interlocking circles is the symbol for unity.
Jane was getting excited as she began to unravel the mystery piece by piece. Next she tackled the four items that were sitting in the corner.
My old tricycle.
A package.
Mother's vacuum I borrowed.
My favorite vase.
Hum…. Taking another cherry and putting it into her mouth, Jane went into the living room and looked at her vase. She remembered when she bought it years ago at Pier One. It was the deepest cobalt blue she had…
Wait a minute!
Yesterday, Mary didn't have anything blue to carry with her, and Elizabeth insisted an old bridal saying be followed. She and Jane scoured the church until they happened upon a blue silk flower. They put it into Mary's bouquet so the tradition would be fulfilled.
Elizabeth had been teasing Mary about…
Something old, (the trike)
Something new, (unopened package)
Something borrowed, (vacuum)
And something blue. (Cobalt vase)
The rest of the dream revealed itself quickly when she combined it with the information she now had. The tent was safety and shelter, the dress was a wedding gown, and the General standing on her right…Steven was on Mary's right during their wedding ceremony. Her left hand on the empty chair…was ringless and the chair was waiting to be filled, which the General did when he was holding the cherries.
Jane laughed out loud as she shook her head. It all made sense now. Even the round table, with the round bowl on it, and the chairs around it…more unity circles. She suddenly became embarrassed and was thankful she was alone in her apartment. The subconscious can be a tricky little thing sometimes.
Picking up the phone, Jane dialed Charles's number.
"Hello?" Charles had answered.
"Hello." Her smile glowed when she heard his voice on the other end. Until now, she had not realized how much she missed their nightly phone conversations. On the nights they weren't together, Charles would call after he finished the casework he had brought home with him. It was something Jane had looked forward to, and she hoped they would pick the habit back up again.
"Jane," he replied softly. "I was hoping you would call."
"Were you?"
"Yes. You left in such a hurry today that I didn't get a chance to talk to you."
"Last night wasn't long enough?" she teased.
"No."
"I love you, Charles." Jane could have no idea what effect those words had on him.
"I love you, too."
They were both quiet for a moment.
"It's really starting to snow. I think we're going to get the blizzard the weathermen were predicting."
"Oh?" Jane went over and looked out of her living room window. The ground was covered in the white fluffy snow and it was sticking.
"I'd better take the girls home soon. I don't want them to get snowed in here."
"The roads may be slick. Are you sure it's safe?"
"I have a Volvo, Charles. I can get through anything."
"Hum." He was about to invite her over, but paused because he didn't want her to risk her safety out on the highway. Charles didn't have to deliberate over bringing up the subject for long because Jane was already forming a plan in her head.
"My car can even make it through the snow to Oak Park." Jane professed with confidence. Very little could keep her from seeing him tonight.
"What if you get snowed in here?" He asked mischievously.
"Is that a problem?" Jane countered.
"Hardly!"
"Good. I'm coming over." The night was planned to their satisfaction.
"You'll have your cell phone and call me if you have any problems?" Like Jane, Charles had a tendency to worry over those he loved and cared for.
"I will. Do you need me to stop by and pick up anything in case we get snowed in?"
"No, Iris went shopping today when she heard the weather report. We're all fine here." The thought of getting snowed in the house with Jane was all too appealing, and Charles was already getting impatient for her arrival.
"Jane, I don't want to rush your time with your sisters, or have you drive fast on wet pavement, but…hurry."
"I'll call you when I'm on the highway."
Jane collected up some clothes in case she did indeed get snowed in at Charles's home and went downstairs to inform the girls of the change in plans. Chris was disappointed that they had to leave, but once he looked out of his window, he agreed that they had better go while they could. Jane dropped off the Katt and Lydia at her parents without going in and made it to Oak Park without any difficulty. Charles had cleared out a spot in the garage for Jane and was waiting for her when she pulled in. Closing the garage door after she turned off her car, he opened her door and helped her out.
They stood facing each other, both filled with a sense that life was how it was supposed to be.
11:15 p.m.
Jane hung up her clothes in the guest bedroom and unpacked her small overnight bag. There had to be at least six inches of snow on the ground already and no sign of it letting up soon. Charles had been sweet when he showed her to the room, although he surely knew she had no intention of staying in it for long. Still, it was a kind gesture.
Lillian didn't look as well as the last time Jane had seen her, and Jane realistically knew her time was growing short. They sat together talking in her room for a few hours while Lillian dozed off occasionally. The conversation was kept light with promises of more tomorrow after a good night's rest.
Charles had dismissed Carol early because of the snow and canceled the third shift nurse Danielle from coming over. The road conditions were worsening and there was no reason to bring in the nurses while he and Jane were there. After administering his grandmother's dose of morphine, Charles prepared her for bed and turned on her 'call' alarm.
The house was suddenly silent, except for a sleeping grandmother, an anxious gentleman waiting in the livingroom, and Jane in her long silk nightgown collecting a few items she had brought with her from home. As she readied herself to join him, Jane was struck by the reality of where she was and what she was about to do.
If someone had told her six months ago that she would be staying in a guestroom of the Nathan Moore House, she would have laughed at the absurdity of the statement. Yet, here she was. If they had told her that she would be in love with its owner, she would have known they were living a fantasy. Jane had come back to Chicago with a plan, and falling in love with a man was never part of it. Good thing for Jane that plans often have a way of changing.
Last night she had asked Charles what had first attracted him to her. He explained the feeling of familiarity he had when she first came into his house, and how he knew at that point that he needed to be with her. He thought that the early attraction must have been chemical, but Jane disagreed. She now knew it to be fate. They debated the subject for ten minutes until they reached the conclusion that neither really care how it happened, they were just glad that it did.
What she found most difficult to admit to him was on the topic of monogamy, but Jane had the courage to broach the subject because she wanted her stand to be clear. Charles listened closely as she explained the vital importance of her being able to trust him, and how Eric's behavior had scarred her almost irrevocably. The longer the words were coming from her lips, the harder Charles found it difficult not to interrupt. If she had been a patient of his, he would have been able to view her statements without emotional attachment. But, this was Jane, and he took her struggles and demons personally. Charles had wanted to stop her and let her know that he felt just as strongly about loyalty, but he didn't say a word until she clearly signaled him she was done.
When he did speak, he shared with Jane something that he had never talked to another soul about. Charles also had scars that had kept him alone for so many years. Avoiding any association that may lead to abandonment and betrayal, Charles had thrown himself into his work so he might have an escape that completely consumed his time and energy. Until Jane, there was no other woman after Ellen that he had allowed himself to get close to on a personal level. He did this subconsciously without premeditation, and the action had kept other people at a distance for many years. He, too, needed to be able to trust completely.
In each other they had found an individual they could love without fear. Jane still wanted no promises of 'forever' because she believed only time could prove to her that it was possible. This may seem like a declaration of uncertainty on her part, but it really wasn't. She had just become wiser over the years and brought reality together with her fantasy of true love. Deep inside, Jane knew the truth...this man would love her like no other before. And for the time being, this knowledge was enough.
Jane put on the robe that matched her nightgown and checked herself in the mirror before she went to join Charles. She felt oddly nervous, but it was a good feeling.
Charles had left the Christmas tree up until Jane was able to see it one more time, well aware of the fact that if he had not taken the initiative last night and went down to the Swiss Hotel, this night would have been very different.
He now understood what people meant when they said they 'felt like their heart was ripped out'. This was what he experienced while they were apart. Jane was too much a part of him for him to be able to forget her. It all happened so fast, it had not even been two months yet, but it seemed like he had known her all of his life. Almost as if a woman from his own dreams had mysteriously come to life, Jane was the physical manifestation of his own desires and hopes. His admiration for the way she survived all that had happened to her was equaled to the person she had become because of it. Jane had told him a great deal about the way she was before her divorce, and although Charles believed that he would have still found her fascinating, he had to admit that he probably wouldn't have fallen so hard for her. He liked the fact that Jane was much more than a pretty face. She had too much life and vim for it to be suppressed, too much potential for it to stay hidden. Her humor often caught him off guard, and he loved listening to the course she went through when she processed out her reasoning. If Charles had one wish for Jane, it would be that life would be kind to her gentle self. But since he did not believe in making wishes, he was determined to be with her to see that it was.
Charles was bent to over the fireplace stoking the fire and didn't hear Jane come down the stairs. There was also a fire lit in his room, just in case they were to go there later. He had to admit to himself that he was getting a bit unstrung waiting for her. After all they had been through lately, there was something about tonight that made it different…even more meaningful.
Jane admired him for a minute before she stepped off of the stairs. She always wondered what he wore for pajamas and wasn't far from the mark. He had on long, red checked flannel pants and a loose white t-shirt, and Jane found it to be the sexiest pajamas she had ever seen. There was something rustic about him standing there by the fireplace with one hand leaning against the mantle and the other with a log turner. He was resting his head against his outstretched arm and she could tell that his thoughts were not on the fire.
Silently, she walked across the wood floor and placed her Christmas gifts for him under the lighted tree. The crinkling of the paper alerted Charles that she was downstairs, bringing him to turn his head in her direction. The sweet smile he wore turned wondrous as he put the tool he was using up.
"You…Jane." Charles paused. She was stunning in her yellow gown. "You look beautiful."
"Thank you." She replied shyly. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence between them before Jane spoke up.
"Why am I nervous?"
"I'm not sure," Charles said as he crossed the room to stand in front of her, "but I am, too."
"Is there hope for us?" A teasing smile was sent his way while her hands ran down his arms. This was right.
"I don't think so." He answered as he began to obligingly kiss her bare neck. "We're without hope."
"Hum…I suppose we're stuck with each other, then." Her nervousness faded away.
Jane let out a contented sigh and tilted her head to the side so he could have more room to work. Needing no more encouragement, his lips traveled the length of her neck, stopping at the seam of her robe. A gentle pull by his hands on the fabric revealed her smooth shoulders as Jane lowered her arms and allowed the robe fall to the floor.
Tracing the edge of her collarbone with his fingertips, Charles followed the path he had made with his mouth on her skin. Her response was to dig her fingers into his curls and pull him closer. It had been so long since they had last made love, but Jane had not forgotten his touch. He had always taken his time with her; loving her and making her feel desired before they would proceed any farther. He was the most attentive man she had ever met, and although Eric was the only other person she had been with, Jane doubted there was a lover anywhere who could compare with Charles.
"Charles." Jane pulled his head back so she could see him. "I have missed you."
His eyes burned into hers and Jane had never seen the look in them before. He was alive with unbounded desire.
"I love you, Jane." He said before his mouth pressed heavily against hers, and Jane was swept up the intensity before she knew it. He wanted her and she could feel it in his kiss.
The gifts, the tree, the room and the house were forgotten when he picked her up and carried her to the blanket-covered sofa. Placing her on her back, he laid next to her on his side, slipping his arm under her head. His free hand wandered over the silky gown, caressing the skin underneath it as the thinking stopped and instinct took over.
Later, when Charles called the name 'Jane' out, the great house echoed it back in a welcome for its future mistress.