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Chapter 33

That night I found that I could not sleep and when everyone was long in bed I gave up on trying and wrote a long overdue letter to Tilly in an attempt to keep my mind occupied and hopefully exhaust myself. I found that once I was sitting at my dressing table, now doubling as a writing desk, I felt that a dam had burst inside of me once again and I found that I needed to confide in a girl friend all that had happened - William would not do in this instance and a problem shared is supposedly a problem halved after all. I was comforted by the fact that Tilly had already guessed of my feelings and in her previous letter had even hinted that I could trust her should I need a confidant. I do not know if what I wrote made sense, and I would lay bets on it for I would not be in the least surprised if it did not, but it had the desired therapeutic effect for at the end of it I found my eyes were drooping and that I felt... unburdened.

In the morning I rose at my normal time and directly after breakfast went to Papa's study with my letter in my hand only to find, rather unusually, that the mail had already been dispatched. Papa looked suspiciously pleased with himself in a way that I did not trust and so I left my letter on his desk for the next post and was quick to try to leave lest his capricious humour turn itself on me.

I knew that I was in trouble when Papa stopped me before I had gained the door. I turned, suspicious of my fate, but Papa's capricious look had gone and in its place was a solemner attitude that did not sit easy on his features. What was going on now?

'Sit down please, Kitty.' A dutiful daughter, I did as I was told. Papa seemed quite uncomfortable and my natural curiosity rekindled. When eventually he spoke it was on a subject that I had not expected.

'I have not often asked for you girls to confide in me, I am not suited to the task and you have each other for that, but Kitty you have never told me what happened in London. Why did you come back early?' The answer to this question I knew. I posed polite filial amazement.

'For Maria's wedding.' My tone suggested of course, although it would have been the height of bad manners to actually say so.

'Kitty!' The warning note in Papa's voice was an old friend, I certainly knew it better than the stern front.

'What?' I was slightly inelegant I know, but still, to be questioned in such a fashion...

'Have the goodness not to lie to me, please Kitty. I am your father and I believe that that alone should earn me some respect, although I admit to deserving it little enough for other reasons.' I have never liked it when Papa speaks so, and grew rather distressed not only because of his words but also his tone.

'I don't understand.' Papa then abandoned his stance next to the window and took the seat next to me. He was quieter now.

'Please Catherine, I realise that these roles are alien to both of us but try to trust me, I want to know if what I did was right.' Now I was heartily confused!

'You've done what, Papa?' He dodged my question with ease, and the mischievous look was back in force, caused I suspect not by my poor grammar.

'Very well, I will not force your confidence, but tell me this at least - am I going to have to fight him?'

'Pardon?' I was completely lost and beginning to panic now. Surely William would not have told Papa! He promised! I decided that I could trust in William and tried to turf it out by playing innocent. 'Who?'

'This man of yours.'

'He's not mine!' I blushed scarlet as I realised what I had revealed. Papa's smile returned back, and with it a well-satisfied look.

'Are you sure?' Innuendo was the last thing I required!

'Yes, I'm sure!' Did Papa really think that I would have returned home alone and moped around for the last two weeks if I had not been sure, really!

'Really?'

'Yes, really!'

'Truly?'

'Papa!'

'Well, Kitty, you know best I am sure, but I don't suppose that this young man of yours give you your ring by any chance?' I instinctively covered my hand and blushed once more at the intimacy that it suggested. I then lifted my chin and tried to brazen my way out.

'Yes, he did, but it is just a friendship ring, you see we... what?' I asked as Papa shook his head and openly began to laugh at me.

'Dear Child, your mother and I were sadly lacking in the matter of your education, weren't we?'

'What do you mean?' That I am stupid? Thank you Papa!

'Your ring Kitty, has a secret meaning.' Papa said this in a voice that made it clear that all should now be known to me.

'Oh.'

I looked at it once more but beyond seeing a plain gold band with seven small chips of stone in it I was at a loss.

'Well, have you figured it out?' I glanced up, highly unimpressed by the whole thing, but Papa looked all excited, it was for all the world as if he had made a great discovery!

'No.' I was untouched by his enthusiasm.

'Well, I suppose that it doesn't help that you have it on back to front. Look - ' Papa gently removed the ring from my finger, and turned it round so whereas the yellow one had been the first now it was the diamond.

'What stone is that -' Papa pointed at the diamond and I felt as if I was six years old again.

'Diamond.' The truculence that I had had as a six year old had also returned with force.

'And that - ' Next one, green this time.

'Emerald.'

'And then?' With an effort I shook off my ill humour and peered at the ring.

'Then amethyst, ruby, emerald again, sapphire and then...topaz I think.'

'Well done!' Papa beamed once more. I was getting impatient: whatever was so obvious to Papa was still completely unclear to me.

'And?' Papa actually spluttered at my question.

'And? And? Kitty, can you not see what he was telling you?' Forgive me for being vulgar but what did it look like?

'No!'

'What word do the first letters of each of the stones make?'

'Diamond, emerald... Oh!'

'Yes!' Papa did not seem disappointed by my reaction; I blinked rapidly unable for the life of me to form a single coherent thought.

'OH!'

'Indeed!' I looked at Papa with widening eyes and a look of amazement that caused him to chuckle to himself. Papa gave me back my ring and reflexively I slipped it back onto my finger and lay a protecting hand over it.

'Papa, but that means...'

'Precisely and exactly. Not so hopeless after all, eh?'

'But...' I was then thinking quicker than I ever had before and as I considered Mr. Calder's article I realised that he may have been telling me something else entirely from what I had first thought. My heart took off at a gallop and I sprang up from my chair.

'Excuse me Papa!' And with no more by your leave than that I raced up the stairs, my petticoats hiked up around my knees in a most unladylike manner to allow me to run. Once I gained my room I tore open the drawer and found the precious article.

Now what had Mr. Calder written?

The first paragraphs I could ignore: they told me nothing of what I needed to know.

The third...

'And so those of us fortunate enough to be party to some of what was said at Lady Chasterleigh's Ball cannot but doubt that after a brief foray into dissolution another great bastion of English Bachelordom is surely about to fall and join the ranks of the Respectable Married Men.' That was clear enough - the mention of dissolution I did not heed for what was material was that Thorn was going to wed. Mr. Calder seemed certain of it and I had to believe him for I had never known him to be wrong about such matters.

'This is unsurprising as even those blessed with perspicacity less than that of this Humble Author must have been awaiting the Announcement and Event of the Season for many weeks now.' Now I had thought that people were waiting for Lily and Thorn to announce Lily's divorce and their upcoming marriage as she had returned to Town whilst he was still there, surely hinting at an announcement as before they had always been so careful to never be in Town together. But then again she had come whist Thorn was away...

It was all so very confusing. I shrugged off my doubts and continued.

'It is sadly unfortunate for our Poor Hero that the Lady involved, whilst quick enough in other areas, shows a decided lack of perspicacity in this matter.' Now this did not fit, I mean Lily would surely be aware if Thorn were to...

I finally allowed words to be given to my deepest thoughts: what if he meant me? What if Thorn loved me?

It was too precious a thought to look at for a long spell without risking losing all sanity and so although my heart fluttered out of my chest I pushed it resolutely back in as I turned to the next sentence, determined to be methodical about this.

'Lord Thornfield's similarity to Cerebrus as he stood guard over his LadyLove is one which this Author intends to treasure as He now lays down His acid pen towards this Noble Peer and instead nobly wishes him Conjugal Bliss.'

There were three things here -

One. There is no mistaking the 'hero' that Mr. Calder refers to Thorn, whatever twist I put on his words I could never deny that.

Two. Why would Mr. Calder stop writing about Thorn unless it was as part of his oath to me that he would never write about someone who was close to me? My heart rose from trot to canter.

Three. When had Thorn ever watched Lily? Lily's marriage and Thorn's sense of honour would require that they ignore each other until the divorce was finalised. If, however, Mr. Calder meant that the Lady was I, as I was beginning to dare to hope, then that would fit as Thorn took his turn in protecting Georgie and I at all of the London parties! From canter to gallop.

'But one final word will be said: as Lord Thornfield is sadly cursed with good looks, a title, lands a plenty and this particular Lady's heart, Your Generous Author urges all Decent Folk of London to join Him in His sympathy for our Poor Afflicted Hero.' The line that kept my attention was 'this particular Lady's heart.' Mr. Calder knew I loved Thorn, he, Papa and William (and soon Tilly) were the only ones who knew it!

So what was I left with? A gift which held a hidden meaning (it had occurred to me that perhaps this was coincidence, perhaps Thorn had been as ignorant of the message as I and had bought it purely because it was pretty. Oh wretched doubts!) and an article which if I chose to read with a jaundiced eye put paid to my hopes forever; or with a kindly eye that looked on it favourably in a way that took my breath away.

Was it enough to risk everything on?

No, change that, was I really stubborn enough and proud enough to risk ignoring this just to spite myself? No, I was not.

And Georgie? Georgie was perhaps my dearest friend and perhaps it would constitute a betrayal, but I had to be methodical and try to put emotions aside: surely if Thorn were to love her then he would have approached William years ago. I thought over all of my time in London and found that I could not remember a moment when he had showed a preference for her that might not be explained as a brotherly affection. In fact, thinking over it Georgie had never shown a preference for Thorn that I could discern. True, at Pemberley she told me of how she had once held a tendre for him, but she had claimed it was in the past and she was as easy in manners with him as he was with her. But then again in London she had told me of her love for him, and why would Georgie lie? Yet surely if she were to love Thorn then she would curl up into a ball (metaphorically speaking) every time he came near? And then there was Wickham...

I decided that I did not know Georgie's feelings, there was no way to be sure and it would not do to speculate. If Thorn were, by some miracle of fate, to love me then I would explain to Georgie in person and accept her tears and, if necessary, her hate for I realised that what I felt for Thorn was so much more important to me than what I felt for Georgie.

Ah, but did I have the courage to go through with what my heart was telling me I had to do? It would make my trip to Lydia child's play - then I had not risked rejection on this scale. I took a shaky breath, which caught deep in my throat. Surely it would be better to know. Yes, I had the courage. I would not wait, there was yet time before Maria's wedding.

My decisions made, and for the first time in days a contented feeling inside, I returned to Papa's study with a spring in my step. Papa looked up from his accounts with interest.

'You are not going to Spain, I take it?' I laughed with the joy of it, I could not help myself!

'No Papa, I am not going to Spain.'

'Or Lisbon?'

'Or Lisbon.'

'London, perhaps.' I took a deep breath.

'Yes, Papa, London. And as soon as may be.'

Chapter 34

In the end I never made it as far as London, events rather overtook me before I could leave Hertfordshire and they did so with a speed and direction that left my head in a positive spin!

To explain: after my discussion with Papa I was, understandably I think, soon champing at the bit to be off and my business done. Imagine then how frustrating I found it when Papa discovered that he could not possibly spare the carriage for fully five days! I, naturally enough, complained about this but Papa was firm on this point - the carriage could on no account be spared. In response to this challenge I exerted my feminine powers, which had considerably grown since the winter, and pouted excessively; Papa was stoically unmoved. I then raged and he merely laughed. I then resorted to threatening various things at which point, and most unfairly I consider, Papa forbade me from asking Mr. Bingley if I could borrow his carriage. Highly unreasonable! And how did Papa justify this very mean stance? Something very obscure about 'more speed and less haste' I gather. Well I said that when one does not have the speed one naturally tries to make haste! I then made some very pointed observations about minor dictatorships and how if he was going to be this contrary about it then I wish he had not told me the meaning of the silly ring in the first place, a blatant lie of course. I then removed myself to my room and planned: briefly I considered going to London by the stage, but I had heard such horrid stories that I was put off, then I thought of walking. Hertfordshire is not that far from London after all, surely it would not take five days to walk? But I am not Lizzy, I am no great walker and had no wish to arrive in London covered in mud and dust. Silly plan. Papa's carriage and a five day wait it would have to be. I chaffed at this delay, but although it meant that I would be cutting it rather fine I was still determined to go before Maria's wedding. Composed and collected I forwarded this view to Papa, which he accepted, although he did ask that we not tell Mama of my eminent departure, he seemed to think that I would have it quieter that way. For the first time that day I was in agreement with him and my promise was easily made and more easily kept.

And so to waiting I fell.

I have always considered that the anticipation of a task is the worst of it and by the time that three days had passed I knew it as a certainty. In those three interminable days I had run numerous different scenarios through my mind. Some were awful and ended in humiliation, some were good and ended in a proposal, and a very few were amazing and ended in things that respectable young ladies should not consider even in the privacy of their minds. Or should at least not admit to considering. In short it was rather like picking daisy chains - sometimes he loved me, sometimes he didn't and the upshot was that I was slowly going out of my mind.

Even Mama commented on my absentmindedness, she said that I did not attend enough to Maria's soon to be brother-in-law and I could not deny it. You see I had absolutely no wish to be in Lucas Lodge and every desire to be elsewhere which puts rather a strain on one's social abilities. And it did not help that he was not my Thorn, although that was not his fault of course.

On the fourth day of waiting I, in my oldest dress, and in a high fit of dudgeon and rebellion to the cruel winds of fate that had given me the curse of my sex and made me so impotent, did a very rare thing and went for a walk just for the sake of it. My spoken excuse was that it was a chance to get some fresh air after I had been forced to stay inside for so long, in reality it was to escape not only the house but my thoughts, which were becoming ever more pessimistic as time wore on. That morning when I had woken I had read over Mr. Calder's missive once more, only this time instead of hugging possibilities to myself I had berated myself as a fool for trying to see a hidden message in a society magazine. If Thorn had meant something by the ring then why had he not asked me then? Surely there had been time enough. Considerations such as this forced my mood downward and I walked to try to outrun it. More than once on my walk I scowled at innocent sunny Hertfordshire and considered that it was very ill day for me.

That was the day that Thorn came.

It was a humid, sticky day and yet in my bad temper I managed to walk for miles. I had never before understood Lizzy's passion for long walks, but by the end of it I think I was beginning to understand, Lizzy had always been somewhat mercurial you see. Out of thoughtfulness to others who would be forced to endure my ill humour, I stayed out for as long as I decently could but I was forced to return for afternoon tea. I arrived dusty, hot and sticky to find my beloved Thorn, as cool and as urbane as ever, quietly sipping tea with Jane, Mr. Bingley, Mama and Mary in the drawing room.

My reaction?

One apparent to everyone was the livid blush that started low on my neck, quickly suffused my entire face and would serve as a beacon for ships missing at sea I am sure. Apparent only to me was, on the back of this panic, a peevishness and a decided sense of being thoroughly put out.

You see in all of my day-dreamings of our next meeting I had imagined Almacks or some such elegant vista. The location was not important of course, but in each of the vignettes I consistently would at least have my hair up, and my dress, hands and face clean!

And so though I had longed more than anything to see Thorn and talk to him and had been prepared to face goodness knows how many comments to do so, coward that I was, the first time that I was in the same room with him I quickly and inelegantly made my excuses and ran up to my room. I call myself coward for I know full well that if my attire had been my sole excuse I could easily have been changed and down in half an hour, but I was not. I did not know what I would say to him or how I should act and so I changed, yes, but then I watched out the window and hid until I was sure that they was gone. Then I was glad, sad and frustrated all at the one moment. Love did not remove my contrariness it would seem. I compounded my yellow-bellyedness that night when at dinner they were invited back and I talked exclusively to Mr. Bingley and Jane, thwarting Thorn's few attempts at conversation with remote politeness. In the time that we were in the same room I took the opportunity to examine him for signs of the dissolution that Mr. Calder talked of in his missive, or at the very least signs that my absence had been a blow to him. Although Thorn has always been rather difficult to read, and is even more so when he is in uncomfortable social situations like being pinned in by Mama and Aunt Phillips, he looked on the whole rather too healthy to have been pining. I resented that too. He was quiet through the meal too; we were both out of sorts I think. It was no surprise to me that Thorn left directly after dinner, apparently he had letters to do. I left for my room soon after his departure with a heavy heart. Now that Thorn was actually here and reachable my doubts had reared up redoubled and the rejection that seemed to face me seemed to be a certainty. I lay in my bed a long time that night repeatedly cursing my stupidity and lamenting my cowardliness.

I had overheard at dinner, with mixed feelings I confess, that Thorn and Mr. Bingley were planning to ride around the county the next day and so when Mama asked me to go over to Netherfield after breakfast to deliver some small samples of material just delivered from London I grabbed at the chance to be out of the house, potentially unreachable, and on a long walk to clear my mind, firm my resolve and hopefully help me to decide what I wanted to do.

The walk made nothing clearer except that I would probably end up in Bedlam at the rate I was going and, unlike Lizzy, I actually do detest long country walks. The day before must have been the exception that proves the rule. That is a silly phrase that I have never understood, but clever people say it at moments such as those and so I shall too. Anyway, I arrived at Netherfield, dusty and hot again, but with my best face on as I knew that Jane was coming near to her time and so we were all doing our best to surround her with peace and serenity. I was heartily put out that my refound discovery of my loathing of ambulatory pursuits would not alter that I had yet to walk back home again but I decided that I would just have to accept it, make the best of it, and try not to beg Jane a borrow of the carriage. My one consolation: at least Thorn would not find me here.

As I was well known to the house I went without ceremony to the morning room. It was there that I discovered that I had been horribly wrong. Again. Apparently Lord Thornfield had once more cancelled a ride for it was he, and not Jane, who greeted me. If I had planned it I do not know how I would have expected him to react to my abrupt arrival, certainly not with a brief glance up, and a friendly 'Good morning, Kitty' before his attention was once more transferred back to his paper. I was heartily piqued, and not a little embarrassed to be alone with him.

'Lord Thornfield.' I curtsied, and becoming aware of my windswept appearance pushed a willful lock of hair behind my ear. Thorn raised his eyebrows, whether at my formal manner or my informal appearance I know not, but he then made to fold his paper at which I, goose that I am, panicked and rushed into speech.

'I was just looking for Jane,' I explained, 'Mama wished me to drop off the sample that she thinks will do best for the curtains in the dining room.' Idiot - what does Thorn care for samples?

'I am afraid that Bingley managed to persuade your sister to lie down for a while and he is busy in the study with his accounts. Accounts are enough to bore a decent man to tears at the best of times, but they tend to take Bingles rather a long time and so I'm afraid we probably won't see him till luncheon.' Cruel as it was I could not help giggle at this and 'Bingles'. Thorn eyed me with a smile lurking deep in his eye. It felt so good to laugh and relax that for a moment I could forget - I was easy with him once more.

'You could always go and offer to help Mr. Bingles I suppose?' I made my sly suggestion, ready for some fun. Thorn looked suitably grave as he shook his head at me.

'No, no Kitty that would never do at all - one should never get between a man and his accounts book. Bad things tend to happen. I'm afraid that you will have to put up with my poor self for company.' Despite his off the cuff manner Thorn watched me closely throughout this little speech. I recollected myself and gave a stiff little laugh. I then started to fidget and lifted the lid of nearby pot to peer inside. It was only once I had stopped speaking next that I met his eye for I could not do so as I lied my head off, although I hoped that to Thorn it appeared like clever irony.

'Oh yes, poor indeed! I wonder how I shall cope with such hardship, for you know that we detest one another. I also wonder that you put off your ride, for it is a lovely day.' On seeing him I gained the impression that Thorn seemed impatient somehow, it was not anything I could define, indeed on first impressions he looked for all the world like a man who had nothing to do and nowhere to go - not a care, but still there was that something....

'Yes it is a lovely day, but Bingley wanted to stay near Netherfield and I was not of a mind to go on my own. Did you walk all the way from Longbourn?' Though out this speech my eyes had dropped involuntarily from Thorn's eyes to his mouth. I could not help but remember the kiss we had so fiercely shared and I found that even in thinking on it my body was somehow remembering too. It pained me that now we were now so desperately civil. I blushed furiously when I realised that I had been asked a question.

'I b...beg your pardon?' Thorn patiently repeated it. 'Oh no, I only walked from Aunt Phillip's. She wished to see the samples that Mama had discarded. She wants to show them to my cousin Amanda, she is marrying soon too you see.'

'It seems to be the season for it.' I paled, I am sure of it, at so close a reference to Mr. Calder's column. Thorn seemed to be watching me closer than ever. I could not help wondering was this the point where he tells me of his engagement to Lily? When Thorn looked about to fill in the silence that had fallen between us my courage failed me once again and I rushed into words.

'I suppose there are often more engagements in the summer than winter. Mayhap it is something to do with the weather.' Although he did not smile as such, I got the impression that Thorn was amused about something. My panic raced ahead of me. I pulled the small cuttings that Mama had so carefully taken out of my reticule and set them down on a side table where Jane could not fail to see them. 'Anyway, I had better be going home now, it is a long walk and I wish to make it for my dinner.' A ridiculous thing to say, but other than a small smile Thorn thankfully left my silly statement alone.

'All right, Kitty, off you go.' It was fanciful I know, but to me it seemed that he was saying goodbye somehow. Tears pricked at my eyes and I quickly went out to get my bonnet from the chair in the hall that I had so hastily discarded it into. A noise at my elbow made me turn and find Thorn pulling on his coat. I quickly turned my back to him and wiped at my eyes. Without looking at him I asked:

'And what are you doing, my Lord?' His tone when it came was gently chiding.

'I would not be so rude as to allow you to walk all of that way alone, Kitten.'

There seemed to be no point in arguing with him. I knew of old that to do so would only mean that I would lose and, I tried to look on the bright side, perhaps this could be the catalyst that would make me talk to him. Properly talk to him, I mean, I had detested my lack of spirit of late.

So we walked back together. For quite a space neither of us said anything satisfying ourselves with silence, and after some minutes I relaxed. Soon I began to daydream and pretend that everything was as it had been, that we were the best of friends and utterly comfortable in each other's company. Then I began to daydream something else entirely...

'What are you smiling about?' At Thorn's voice I caught myself on the edge of forbidden thoughts and pulled myself back to the present.

'Oh, nothing, nothing.' We both knew that I spoke too quickly for it to be true.

'A very pleasant nothing I gather?' Thorn scrutinised me closely and although my pulse raced I tried to be unreadable.

'Perhaps.' I glanced around and on seeing where we had stopped tried to change the subject. 'Oh, we are at Bishop's Gable. It is a view famous in Hertfordshire for it's beauty.'

'Then shall we?' Thorn held out his hand to help me across the stile. At the prospect of being alone at the local spot favoured by young courting couples I quickly tried to recant.

'Oh no, there are prettier sites around, I am sure. I mean, it is only a local point of beauty.'

'I often find that the locals know best. Come along Kitty.' I crumbled at the thought of more time alone with Thorn. I took the proffered hand and so Thorn won that almost-argument as well. It really was unfair, if I were not so much in love with the man then my ammunition and resolve would be far better and I would not put on such a poor show.

Once there I thought that Thorn regretted it, for he did not seem to enjoy the view after all, he frowned heavily and although when I looked out I could see nothing in the fields or forest to cause that look of displeasure. I felt uneasy, and made a move as if to leave. Thorn gently stopped me.

'Why don't you sit down Kitty?' I paused in indecision, uncomfortable with the inscrutable look in his eyes.

'Surely we will not be staying so long? This is Bishop's Gable, and you have seen the view.' I gestured.

'Yes, but it isn't the view of Hertfordshire that I am interested in.' As cool as may be he was, very infuriatingly cool considering that those few words made a mess of any of my resolve. Then in the distant tone of someone trying to be helpful - 'That bit looks quite dry.' That was it! Love him or not I had had enough! I put my hands on my hips and told him what I thought of him, well some of what I thought of him.

'Lord Thornfield will you kindly stop being so awfully autocratic!'. Thorn smiled, he could not seem to help it, but it was a weak imitation of his normal self and I felt that it was probably patronising. That annoyed me too.

'And I do not see why that is so very funny either.' As he looked about to interrupt me I continued. 'And I do not appreciate comments about spitting kittens. It is but three weeks since I saw you last, yet it is obvious that that time has treated you ill.' I coloured as I remembered when I had seen him last. Oh would that kiss never stop returning to plague me?

'Miss Bennet.' Thorn took a deep breath; he was not laughing now. 'Kitty, Kitten...' He closed his eyes for an instant, and then turned to look at the view once more .I watched him with close concern.

'Thorn?' I approached him and gently touched his sleeve. Thorn turned to look at me. I could not interpret its meaning into words, but there was a bleakness in his eyes that caused my pulse to race and a lump to well up in my throat. Thorn's hand covered mine.

'There is so much between us that needs to be said, Kitty. Please, if you are the friend to me that I think you are then sit down and do not say a word until I have finished, no matter the temptation.'

I'm not entirely sure if I sat down or it was just that my knees gave way under me. But sitting and silent I soon was.

So this was it then - I had got it all wrong after all and Thorn was about to tell me about his marriage to Lily. Maybe some of my wild midnight theories had been correct and they had been married all the time, and nobody had known. It did not seem to matter now.

'You will remember not to speak, not one word, not one sound.'

I nodded, bathed in misery, determined to look him in the eyes as he dealt out my fate.

'Very well.' Thorn looked remote and proud as he stood with his back to the fields and the sunlight. 'Then let us begin with what is important, let me say it now before my courage gives way once more, and let me make this plain for there has been confusion enough between us - I, John Thornfield, love you, Catherine Bennet.'

It took me a moment to realise the import of his words, they were so alien to me but then my heart turned over and I gasped, my hands clutching at my skirts and my eyes nowhere but on him. Thorn's stiffness evaporated on an instant leaving a touching vulnerability - his eyes were bewildered, his voice almost apologetic as he shrugged in a curiously helpless gesture.

'I love you Kitten.'

Chapter 35

'I love you Kitten.' So few words to mean so very much, so few words to change two lives.

I must confess that although I am not normally a fanciful person, sensibility not being my forte, I would be prepared to swear on all that I hold sacred that for a few precious seconds the whole world stood still as I stared at Thorn and dared to believe.

To my surprise I found that in that instant I was at a loss of how to act and how to feel. I am fairly certain that this scenario is not covered by any of the etiquette manuals so lauded by governesses. And so, if there is no published guide, how should one know how to feel or act when the person that you love declares themselves to you so very beautifully? In all fairness, I suppose that there cannot really be a great demand for such a guide, I mean one always daydreams, in a distant nefarious kind of way, of such amazing things happening to oneself, but it is by necessity relegated to daydreams as even us fools realise that it would be too improbable to happen in real life. Naturally this fantasy extends also to include one's reaction to such a gratifying piece of information. Hysterics, tears, hugs, smiles and kisses are all displayed appropriately and endearingly by oneself as the touching heroine although not, one hopes, in equal measures.

But it would appear that I am not the woman I am in my imaginations for on being told that which I most longed most to hear how do you think I reacted? A scream of joy, or perhaps even a dance of triumph? Both would be in character I know. No? Well what about an immediate and graphic reassurance to Thorn that I returned his love in equal (if not double or triple) measure? No, for that is more Lydia's way than mine. I did none of these things for I was rendered quite, quite speechless, and words were far beyond me.

For the first few seconds I was content to merely stare at Thorn as an idiot would, my mouth rather lamentably open in a very unflattering attitude. By the by, I also rather think that I forgot to breathe. Anyway, after this initial period of shock, in which I merely had a sense of being, I was all at once flooded with emotions and thoughts, each racing in different directions. Uppermost in my mind, I think, was a sense amazement that such a wonderful, joyous thing was actually happening to me! Then a thrill at his words which shivered down my spine. I was also aware of a strange sensation of warmth in my middle that I can only describe as a flooding of my being with my own feelings for Thorn, it as if they were released from some cage in which I had imprisoned them whilst I had felt that they were forbidden, and I felt relief that I could acknowledge them in safety at last. Surprisingly, to me at least, all of this was mixed with gratitude. I was thankful that Thorn loved me thus!

I closed my eyes and bowed my head to savour the sensations that were rioting around me, to try and imprint this moment on my memory forever and to offer a prayer of thanks to Fate. As I did this I realised all at once that I was crying, and I wiped away the tears clumsily with the back of my hand.

'Tears of a soft heart, Kitten?' Thorn's voice brought me back to reality with a bump. Oh Lord, I hadn't told him! I immediately bemoaned my selfishness and tried in vain to regroup. I swallowed and shook my head, but my throat would not clear and still I wept. I could not seem to stop! I have been told that people express joy in different ways, but if I had been asked I would never have thought that I would weep with it. I don't think Thorn thought it either, so it is unsurprising that he obviously did not believe me, or misinterpreted my meaning, for although he tried to appear unaffected I could tell that he was distressed - the bleak look in his eyes had hardened with his supposed certainty of his rejection and his smile held an edge of bitterness. Thorn looked away from me for a moment and I desperately tried to compose myself.

When he looked back he found that I was still wiping at my cheeks. For my part I felt that my eyes must have been wild with all of the feelings that I had bottled up inside, and my desperation to relieve Thorn. As so often in our history, Thorn mistook my look and my heart skipped about as he instead tried to comfort me!

Thorn came forward and dropped to his haunches in front of me. His manner was subdued and controlled, but to my relief the bitterness was no longer there. Thorn's voice, when he spoke, was quiet, his smile kindly, and his eyes concerned.

'Don't be upset, Kitty. It will all be well.' He proffered his handkerchief, which I accepted and blew into without ceremony. I shook my head once more and swallowed as a precursor to speech.

'Thank you.' I croaked, and handed him back the sodden linen. Thorn accepted it without comment and secreted it in his coat pocket as I cleared my throat once more. It didn't entirely work as my voice was still husky with my tears when I spoke. 'Thorn, I wasn't...'

Twice in the space of two minutes I got the shock of my life, as Thorn's reaction to these few words was uncharacteristically volatile, and took me wholly by surprise: he did not let me finish my speech, but gripped my forearms tightly and gave me a slight shake, his fingers biting into me, his whole mien was suddenly stern.

'No! No, Kitty, don't lie to me! I will not ask much of you except this, and you gave your promise to me once.' In exchange for my coat, yes I remembered. But I wasn't lying! I couldn't seem to make my mouth form the words I desired, it moved but no sounds came out. For one normally so talkative it really was an awful time for my voice to give out on me! Giving up, I shook my head and then nodded, totally befuddled by what I wanted to convey. Thorn seemed to relax a bit, obscurely reassured by my confusion. His hands slid down my forearms to my hands, which he squeezed encouragingly. When he spoke, he was composed once more.

'Whatever you do, Kitty, don't lie to me. However hurtful you think it may be, I would far rather know the truth of it and although I am disappointed by your reaction...' Thorn broke off, and looked at the ground for a moment, seeming to need a moment to compose himself. I am sure that by this point my heart was in my eyes, but I must have been mistaken, as Thorn did not see it: when he looked up again he merely squeezed my hands. 'Deeply disappointed. I am not wholly surprised.' His eyes seemed to caress my face, a soothing balm for my sore heart. 'I knew it was too soon you see, I knew that you weren't ready for this yet.' Thorn seemed to recollect himself and gave a wry smile, obviously trying to lighten the mood. 'Richard, who claims to know all there is to know on women, would have had me propose months ago. In fact you might remember his campaign, when I gave you your coat Kitty, remember?' He continued without a pause. 'I didn't because I knew well that you only saw me as a friend. I suppose that in a way I was selfish, but I was too proud to propose when I faced certain rejection and losing a friend into the bargain. Not for you accepting a man with money.' This last was said with a wry smile. It did not last and when he spoke again he was sombre. 'Telling you of my feelings then would only have distressed you, and that was what I wanted to avoid above all things. I was right, wasn't I?' I stared at him helplessly, for in truth I don't know how I would have reacted had Thorn proposed then. Embarrassed probably, although I think my love dated from before then I was still wholly blinkered to it. Thorn took my silence as tacit agreement. 'But fate, and Calder, forced my hand and so I came to Hertfordshire, to tell you of my feelings whether you were ready or not.' Thorn gave a self-mocking laugh and looked away. My heart ached for him, ached for the pain he was feeling and I longed to interrupt, but something in his attitude stopped me, told me that it would not be welcomed. 'It is funny how things work out in the way that you least expect them.' Absently he rubbed my hands, oblivious I am sure to the chaotic effect so simple a touch created in me. He looked back and our eyes met with a jolt.

'But there are other things I want to tell you too.' He sighed, and grimaced. 'The problem is that there are so many of them that I don't know where to begin.'

'Thorn...' My voice was too weak and Thorn was distracted, he did not hear.

'I suppose I should start by telling you that I want to marry you.' Once more my wits were scattered as I melted and raised my shocked gaze to his. Thorn grimaced a smile. His eyes showed a mix of humour and of sadness. 'Yes Kitten, my intentions are thoroughly honourable.' I gripped his hands, holding on for dear life. Never had I dared to dream of such things! My poor nerves! Thankfully Thorn paused as I tried to assimilate this latest revelation. He then continued without rancour: 'I think that it is only fair to warn you that I will do my best to persuade you to say aye. If, after I have explained everything, you should still feel that you have to refuse me then I want you to know that I won't give up. Before this last month I thought that were you to turn me down then I would take it gracefully, but these last weeks have changed my mind. Reject me and I will hound you, I will shamelessly use my advantages over you, however ungentlemanly they may be, and I shall ruthlessly scupper the plans of any of your other beaux. They can't have you: you're mine. I love you, Kitty. I want and believe that we should be together. Given time I hope that you will come to love me too, and I'm willing to wait.'

I was thrilled by the possessiveness of his words and silenced down by the possessiveness of his look.

'I don't know how you feel about me now. In London, before I left, when I gave you the ring, I thought you were coming to care, but after that last night and the number of lies that have been spun about us I would not be surprised if you hated me.' My hands now gripped his.

'Thorn...' I rose from my dazed state and this time he heard.

'No, Kitty.' He raised his finger to my lips and stopped my words. 'You can have your turn later.' Thorn then had the audacity to almost grin at me! 'As I say, after the ungentlemanly way I behaved at our adieu, I would admit to deserving your anger if not your hatred.' It took me a moment to understand him as I was surprised by the change in his demeanour, and then as I comprehended I gasped, shocked by his blatant reference to our kiss. I was aware of a rising heat in my neck and face. Thorn gave the first genuine laugh I had heard from him since his arrival in Hertfordshire, 'Yes miss, you may blush! It was the one piece of good work from that entire night.' He leaned in and lowered his voice in the way of one confiding a secret. 'You see, my delightful, blushing Miss Bennet, our kiss tells me that you are not as indifferent to me as you may think that you are.'

'Thorn I want to tell you...' my voice was stronger now, I was ready to tell him I loved him.

'No!' Thorn's voice was sharp, compelling, filled with emotions, and although my confidence in his love was gaining with every word it pained me to see him thus. 'I am not ready for your answer yet! If I lose you then it will not be for the want of trying. For the past three weeks I have thought that I had lost you, and it was all made immeasurably worse by the fact that you did not know the whole truth, that I should lose you through a tangle of lies that is neither of our making is the stuff of my nightmares. On the arrival of your father's letter, which came on the back of Calder's mischief and Darcy's stubbornness, I could take no more. So this is the point to which fate brings us Kitten. Should your feelings truly be not what I hoped then I am sorry to put you through this, and sorry to lose you a friend but I value my sanity and I need to give you the choice now, need to know that if you reject me then it is because you could not love me and for no other reason that you have cooked up in that silly head of yours.'

I had had enough, and so I said the only thing which I thought could halt the torrent of words. In fact I didn't say it, after being so long absent my voice return with a force which I would have checked had I not been so impassioned, and I almost shouted the words at him.

'I love you, you idiot! I love you!'

Chapter 35, Post 2

My words had their desired effect and silenced Thorn immediately. I never thought that I would see my darling look as if I had knocked the very feet out from under him, but then life is full of surprises. For a moment Thorn stared at me as if I was another person, white to the very lips. He said not a word. Far from dismaying me, as I suppose could reasonably be expected, my recent experiences actually meant that this reaction encouraged me further to believe in him. My confidence grew by the second and I easily held his gaze.

I did not wish to rush him, after all we now had all of the time in the world, so I forced myself to sit in silence and meet his searching stare until Thorn was ready to talk. I managed it, but pray do not imagine for a moment that this was easy for me. As a compulsive talker (even more so when embarrassed) a great deal of self-control was required, and so I was extremely proud of myself for maintaining the quiet that I felt that he needed. Even so I could not help but fidget, and ruthlessly pulled at the ribbons on my bonnet. Thorn, however, has greater self-control than I, and it was not a minute before he started to question me, albeit in a voice quite unlike his own, and so the bonnet was saved.

'I beg your pardon?'

I have always considered it strange how in moments of stress we fall back on politeness.

But there was no avoiding it: the moment for my confession had come. Unaccountably nervous now when moments before I had been so confident, I licked my lips before taking the plunge into what Society would consider to be unforgivable forwardness. In that moment I happily condemned Society to a fiery perdition - now was not the time for missishness. I swallowed and glanced away before unflinchingly meeting his eyes.

'I love you. Lord Thornfield,' almost involuntarily I smiled, happy tears once more stinging my eyes. This time it was Thorn who wiped them away, 'my Thorn.' I caught at his hand and kissed the palm. I think that I hoped that small of acts of tenderness would convince him as much as my words, but Thorn sat not saying a word, his eyes fixed on my face but his own face remained guarded. I understood that too: it wasn't enough yet. I needed to be brave again. I heaved a deep breath.

'I think, no I know that I love you with every fibre of my being and every whisper of my soul. I sincerely believe that I always shall.' Feeling awkward again, I then became stuck for words, but I then found that as I started talking again it became easier.

'I...I do not know what words to use. I am no wordsmith, no poet; I don't know how to put these feelings into words. In any case I do not think there is a language in the world yet that could express them. Suffice it to say that I feel as if every good thought, every happy moment in my life from this moment on will spring from you and if you are not there then I will be...empty somehow. Oh, I have no doubt that I could be seen to be happy without you, these last few weeks have proved me a great actress if nothing else, and in time I may even become content with my lot. But inside I would be as stone. The world would no longer have colour, but be muted in shades of grey. I would never marry.'

Embarrassed by my forwardness, and worried that if I continued in this vein I might get carried away in my metaphors and Thorn may come to doubt my sincerity, I came to a halt. That was the last thing I wanted. I considered for a moment as what might best convince him and then spoke again.

'If you ask it of me then I will happily follow wherever you lead, I would not care where we went as long as I could be with you. I would not mind if we never went to Town, if I never entered another milliners, if we moved to Arabia and lived in a tent, so long as I could be near you, a part of your life. If what you say is true, if you really do love me, then I am truly the most fortunate creature that ever lived. You say that I do not care for money, but I tell you now that you have just made me the richest woman in the all Christendom. When you told me of your feelings you rocked the very foundations of my world. For a moment I could not, dared not, believe that such a marvellous thing had actually happened to me, such miraculous things do not happen to mere mortals like myself. Was it unreasonable that in that moment, when others are moved to speech, I was moved to silence?'

I was unnerved by my frankness as it flew in the face of all I had been taught on feminine modesty and when Thorn did not reply I looked away, a blush stealing over my cheeks. But I could not stop now, I had to make Thorn believe me! Like Thorn before me, I too sought refuge in apparent light-heartedness.

'I must confess that I do not envy your conquest of me though, for to my mind you are getting a very poor bargain. Family, connections, and situation aside, who would ever want a coward such as I for a wife? Did you know that I was a coward? I tell you now that I am. I ran away from London to escape you, and when it hurt I tried not to care for you, tried to forget you: but I couldn't, it didn't seem within me to forget you. Even in my sleep I could not escape you, for wretch that you are you stubbornly haunted my dreams! I could tell you the moment that I realised the truth of my feelings...'

'That you love me?' I blushed afresh at his blunt question, sure that by now my face was as red as a beacon. An extremely silly thing to do given what I had already told him, but whoever claimed that love, or women for that matter, were logical? Despite that I could not help but smile in understanding at Thorn's need for reassurance.

'Yes. I could tell you almost to the minute, but I could not give you either date or time of its beginning. It crept up on me and I hardly knew it. You were quite right about me being blind to it, but I have known the truth of my feelings for some time now.' My flush deepened, but I did not look away. 'I knew it before we met last. I came back to Longbourn and thought you could never love me and I was wretched. I...'

My voice was beginning to give way, but as it turned out it did not matter: it was enough.

'Kitty.' The words seem to come from his very soul. Thorn reached for me and, propriety long thrown to the winds, I gladly slid of my perch and into his arms.

I can only liken it to a feeling of coming home.

For a moment we just clung to each other, happy to hold and be held by the one dearest to us. It was too soon though, there were far too many unanswered questions for us to be content for long. Thorn pulled me away only so far as to allow him to see my face clearly. My heart quickened its pace. He raised a hand and caressed my cheek.

'Kitty?' The word was whispered against my cheek as he had leant in to salute where his hand had wandered.

'Mmmm?'

'I need you to say it again.' I smiled against his skin, ready to tease him a little.

'The idiot part?' He shook me gently in remonstrance.

'No, the other part.'

I pulled away, touched to the deepest part of me at the look of anxiousness that was still on his face. I took his face in my hands and looking directly into his eyes told him in the plainest words I knew.

'I love you.' Thorn gave me a smile that told me that he too was having difficulty in believing this was real. I considered that perhaps a change of tact was required to add a touch of reality.

'Silly man.' An insult to be sure, but forgivable as it was a mild one delivered in the most loving of tones. Thorn's mood seemed to attune itself to mine - he too became gently mocking.

'Be nice.'

'Oh, I beg your pardon!'

'I should hope so too!' A pause. 'You love me Kitty, you really love me?' I did not mind that he should continue to ask for I would never tire of telling him.

'Yes, I love you.' For some reason this seemed to reassure him where others had not and I was told in a decided tone:

'Good, don't change.'

'Never.' I smiled, and then the moment changed, and his lips came to salute mine. First it was gentle and then it was not. Filled as it was with the growing certainty of our love it was even more magical than the last. This was no stolen kiss though, it was not filled with frustration and uncertainty, but instead it was tempered by the promise of happiness yet to come. Yet like that other it too was explosive and we fell apart gasping for breath. Once more I was forced to marvel at his self-control as Thorn collected himself, settled me on his lap and pushed away a lock of my hair. His eyes were full of wonder and he whispered to me that mine were full of stars. I was still all over the place and doubt that were I asked that I could have told you who was the King of England. It was a truly delightful feeling to be sure and I would never wish it away, but if it were to lessen ever so slightly with time it might not be wholly a bad thing: to be constantly in such a daze would be most unbecoming.

'Will you marry me Kitty?'

The question was quietly put, and I could feel the tension in Thorn that told me that even yet he was wary of my answer. It was the question I had dreamed of so many times but I could not help but laugh at our situation, at how unlike a typical proposal and yet how suitable for us it was. I met Thorn's eyes and answered without hesitation or misgiving.

'Yes, yes, I will marry you.' Thorn's look became intensely proud and possessive as it wandered over my face.

'My Kitty!'

There followed then a series of gratifying embraces that I will not trouble myself to document, suffice it to say that when we emerged I was heartily out of breath and not a little dazed.

'Kitty?'

'Mmmm?'

'I still feel the need to explain.'

'It doesn't really matter, nothing really matters except this. I trust you.' Thorn laughed in triumph.

'You have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words.' This surprised me, and although I was very comfortable I drew back to question him.

'Oh, I always trusted you.' Thorn kissed me quickly and then pulled me back into the groove of his arm. I fit snugly under his chin.

'Perhaps, but it is still nice to hear it. Anyway, I feel the need to talk to you and our alternative occupation would do nothing for my sanity.' I was going to tease him a bit more, but decided that he was probably right, and there were definitely questions I needed answered.

'Very well, Sir. I will admit your nod to propriety, but on one condition: start with Lily.'

Chapter 36

Thorn paused to gather his thoughts, a slight frown on his face. While he did this, and I admit only after a moment's pause, I reluctantly raised my head from its comfortable position on his shoulder and pulled myself off his lap. Thorn did not immediately let me go, but after I gave a small tug to show the firmness of my intent I received a quick kiss and found myself free. I had achieved my object and so turned and sat on the grass so that I could see Thorn's face throughout our coming conversation. My reasons? Well I suppose that I could justify this move by saying that I was conforming to the feminine delicacies expected by Society and that I was offended by our previous position. Please remember that after all a clear foot should separate the Couple at all times! However I would be lying heartily were I to say so, not to mention being a silly goose of the highest order. The truth of the matter, however embarrassing I may find it to admit it and however wanton it may find me, was that I did not want to distract Thorn by my close presence and be distracted by his in turn. I am sure that were we to have continued as we had I, even with the best of intentions, would not have heard one word in ten of anything that he had to say. This was far better but six inches was still too far from where I wanted to be and I was not ready to lose all physical contact with Thorn and so I took his hand in mine. While Thorn thought I paused and considered the lines in his palm. When the silence stretched to close to becoming a little uncomfortable I broke it. If Thorn did not wish to speak of this now then I was amenable to that. I was interested in what Thorn had to say not because I did not trust him, I believed now that he cared for me, but because I was curious. Lily seemed to me to be central to our separation and I have always had an inquiring mind and now it was positively overflowing with questions. Despite this justification I pushed my own feelings aside, I only wished for his ease.

'You do not need to tell me if you wish.' Thorn immediately reassured me.

'No, no you are right, Kitty. I have no hesitations in telling you, but I do not know where to start. Part of the difficulty lies in that I do not know what you know, or perhaps more properly what you think you know.' Ah, this seemed to me a reasonable excuse, certainly not insurmountable.

'The beginning is always good place to start.' Thorn's smile held a tenderness that set my heart off again and at once proved me correct in my supposition that his lap was not the best place for me to be a that moment. By the by, I wondered whether it was just now that he was allowing his more intimate feelings to show or whether I had merely been oblivious all along. I decided that I would ask later, were I to ask into that now we would soon be heartily distracted.

'Practical Kitten? We will have that knocked out of you in time: I cannot abide a sensible wife.'

'Thorn!' I naturally protested a little hurt at being called practical.

'Very well, I will refrain at the moment, but do not expect not to be teased once I have you safely wed.' The very mention of it flipped my stomach over within me. Thorn did not seem to notice. 'You are right of course,'

'Of course,' I quickly smothered my panic with humour and could not resist retorting. Thorn continued as if I had not spoken.

'The beginning is the best place to start, and in this case the beginning is our childhood. The three of us, Lily, Robert Hampton and I, grew up together. Our family's had neighbouring estates. We, my father and I, lived in Thrapsten Hall, which is the seat the earldom. The Hamptons are country gentlemen whose estates lie to our north. They have a few farms and cottages. Lily's family home lies to the north west of Thrapsten. She grew up with her father in a country manor. Their interests are mainly in the colonies and have given them good returns: Lily's dowry was not to be sniffed at, if you are interested in such things.

Robert and I are of the same age and grew up as brothers. Lily was younger and as she grew would follow us in our play. She was mischievous and ever so slightly manipulative even then - she would lie to get herself out of trouble heedless of the havoc that it would create for Robert and I. I am not sure if our parents realised this, the problem has always been that Lily mixes her lies with just the right amount of truth that the two can become almost indistinguishable.'

'She was certainly very convincing.' Thorn smiled sympathetically at me and squeezed my hand.

'My poor Kitten. You have nothing to fear from her, Kitty, you do know that?' There was the slightest hint of anxiety at the back of his eyes, as if even though he was sure of me he still feared that something could come between us. I reasoned that only time could fully answer that question for him: no words of mine would convince him. This common sense reflection was no help to me in the immediate future and so I tried to radiate my own certainty, with all that I had I tried to put all of my feelings on display for him to plainly see.

'Yes, Thorn, I know that.' I was rewarded for this dutiful reply with a kiss. Very well I will tell the truth: with quite a few kisses! We were alternatively employed for quite a space before Thorn thought it time that we should breath again. Much to Thorn's amusement I was quite distracted by our employment. Many more of his kisses and I am sure that I would not have cared if Lily were the Queen of England! It was all very well for him, I am sure! He at least would be partly prepared for this...conflagration of feelings. It was all so new to me, so unexpected. This was my excuse at least, and I thought it unkindly of Thorn to be so undishevelled when my hair sorely needed fixed. His grin was all very well, his lips were not so bruised as mine I am sure. Not that I am complaining of course, but it is the point of the thing.

'Shall I get on with it?' I tried to straighten my hair and regain my dignity, but the laughter in Thorn's eyes made both very difficult.

'Please.' I gave up caring about my appearance. There was no one else but Thorn to see anyway.

'Well, in the course of time Robert and I went off to school and then university leaving Lily to grow up alone. When we left she was a pretty little playmate; when we returned she was a stunning woman.' Thorn paused. 'It is strange but I have always considered that it is more for her character than her looks. I don't know, does that make sense?' I remembered my own impressions of her and nodded, amazed that I could hear such sentiments with only the slightest hint of jealousy. Lizzy would be proud in how I had grown. 'She quite literally took Robert's breath away! As it was my friend and not I who was afflicted thus I was in the position to find the whole thing rather amusing. Robert fell in love with her immediately, and in that enthusiasm of youth did little to hide the fact. I was never anything more to her than a friend. I certainly did not love her. I did not fake the joy I felt when the time came and their engagement was announced at a dinner party. The thing was, Kitten, and herein lies the rub, that was exactly how she felt about me - as a sister might!'

'But...' I struggled with this for a moment. It did not sit easily with what I remembered Lily telling me. Understand that I did not doubt Thorn's belief in his words, but rather I doubted his conclusions. 'I don't understand...'

'I do. You see shortly after Robert proposed, before the announcement was sent of to the papers, there was a carriage accident. In one stupid moment he went from being equal to all sports and, you will admire my modesty Kitten I am sure, besting me at not a few to being a cripple. Within a short period of time it became clear that Robert would never walk again. He knew it. I knew it. Lily knew it.' I gasped and raised a hand to my mouth in horror. In my mind it could have been Thorn and the thought chilled me.

'That is terrible! How did the accident happen?'

'He was going too quickly around a bend in a country road. He has never said so but I take it that he was trying to get the estate business done so that he could go and pay a visit to Lily. He took a corner to fast and the carriage...'

'Thorn I want you to stop riding.' I was on the edge of tears. Thorn did not deign to reply but instead leaned forward and enclosed me in a tight embrace against his heart. He murmured comforting words as I pulled myself together. It took me a few minutes to recover and once my heart stopped its unruly gallop I pulled back to see into his face.

'I am being stupid I know...' I felt my flushed face with the back of my hand, sure that my eyes were by now unflatteringly puffy.

'Very stupid.' Thorn agreed while he tenderly tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

'I know that it is, but I can't help imagining that that could be you! Thorn, if anything were to happen to you...' Thorn stopped my wild rush of words with a finger. I think that he understood that it had all been too much for me, there had been to many changes for me to react sensibly. He met my terror with calmness and soothed me.

'Kitty. Be rational. Neither of us can be wrapped up in muslin all of our lives. I cannot promise that nothing bad will ever happen in our life together. I cannot swear that we will never fight, that we will never be hurt or that we will never be irrational. I can promise that I will always do my best to support you through our difficulties, that when our opinions differ and my actions hurt you I will try and help you understand my reasons, and that I will eventually make you understand that whatever happens I will always love you.'

'Oh Thorn!' I wailed, crying again. My backbone had melted at his speech. I launched myself into his arms again. At this rate I would have little brains left, and I would not hear of Lily until nightfall!

After further demonstrations of affection Thorn abjured me to pull myself together. I did so reluctantly and after a searching glance on my beloved's part we returned to the subject of Lily. I was not embarrassed by my feelings, with Thorn there would be little for me to be embarrassed about, but I considered this new onset of sensibility ill timed and tiresome. I resolved that I would try not to be such a goose again and so I opened the conversation once more to try and show him that I was now calm.

'So Lily deserted Mr. Hampton when he had his accident?' Thorn continued to talk but I could tell that he watched me still and would stop at once were I to become distressed.

'Oh no, there never was a more faithful woman than Lily. At that time the problem did not lie with Lily, but with Robert. Robert was confined to his room and Lily attended every day, even though he would not see her. It was some weeks before the physician finally admitted that he would not walk again and this was the straw that broke Robert's back. Lily was prepared to become even more devoted but he was having none of it. Two months after the accident, when his mood was at it blackest, he applied himself to her father to request for her removal to Town.'

'Why?' Thorn blinked then shrugged.

'I don't fully know. Pride, perhaps. I think he thought that he was not worthy of her now that he could not walk, that the novelty of his disability would wear off and she would dance off into the sunset with someone else. Worshipping her the way he did I can have no doubt but that it was the hardest thing that he ever had to do.'

'How did her father feel about the match? Was he happy that their engagement was over?' This was getting off the subject just a little but Thorn was patience itself and I desired to know the background so that I could best interpret Lily's actions.

'Lily's mother died in childbirth when Lily was still young. She was an only child and was an indulged little girl who became a very spoilt woman. It gives her an outward confidence which is part of her charm, but inside she is full of self-doubt and she requires constant reassurance. To answer your question, it is possibly because of her mother's early death that her father let her have a free rein, certainly he gave her everything she could want and never questioned her choices.'

'Did Lily go when her father asked?'

'Reluctantly. Lily left for London and the whole mess began in earnest.' A look of annoyance covered Thorn's face. Here was what I was interested in. 'Lily went to Town and soon became friends with a certain group of noble ladies. With a woman of Lily's physical charm and monetary fortune the women of the Ton would not ostracise her, indeed they flocked around her. You have experienced enough of seekers of reflected glory to know of what I speak.' Oh yes. 'Lily, as I said, was spoiled and was not used to being thwarted in any manner and so as far as I could gather told no one of her rejection. Her unhappiness was something that she could not hide though, and when people are not told the truth they tend to jump to their own conclusions.'

I ignored the pointed look I received with ease. We could shout at each other and apologise later for that. For the moment this was far more interesting.

'You?' Thorn snorted in disgust at my educated guess.

'They did not even consider the rich farmer when there was an unmarried Viscount and heir to an Earldom next door.' I had been part of a gossip circle for too long to deny the truth in his words.

'I suppose they would not. Did you mind awfully?'

'I didn't know! I was still up at Thrapsten all of this time, I had delayed entering the army until all was settled.' At the magic words my ears (and interest) of their own accord pricked up.

'The army?' Thorn laughed at my look, amused no doubt by my continuing interest in his old profession. Well, I always say that a girl has to have a hobby.

'Yes Kitten, the army. That was just another small detail that got lost in all of this mess - sons of Thrapsten have almost all entered the army or navy It is a family tradition, not very well publicised I grant you, which dates back to the Civil War. In all fairness normally they enter and leave the forces very young and enter society at a reasonable age so that their absence is not missed.' I have always said that these old family traditions are something to be encouraged.

'But you didn't go immediately?'

'No,' Thorn grimaced, 'you see I thought that someone needed to talk some sense into Robert.'

I gave him a positively adoring look, which Thorn seemed to mind no the least.

'I failed, of course, but my first suspicion that everything had gone wrong was when I went down to London and visited Lily. Robert was recovery was by two steps forward then one back. He missed her but was still too stubborn to ask her back. I thought that it was only right that someone should go down to London and tell her of how he progressed.' I decided not to tell him of my opinion of this kindness: it would not do to give him too inflated an opinion of himself.

'And?'

'When I found out what everyone was saying I went to her and told her in plain English that she was an idiot.' I nodded.

'Very elegant.' Thorn raised an eyebrow and gave me a lazy smile.

'Well I was younger and not at all keen to be trapped like that.' I nodded again and smiled in understanding.

'An admirable excuse for incivility.' Thorn soon became piqued at my teasing.

'Be fair Kitty - London thought I was down to propose!' I was unswayed by his protests and was starting to enjoy myself immensely.

'Still, I have always considered that one should try to maintain dignity at all times, it is so provincial not to.' Thorn did not rise to this bait, but instead an unholy look crossed his face and soon I found that I was hit by a facer.

'I find that I approve of that attitude, Miss Bennet, it will make you a perfect Countess.' A blow, Sir, a blow!

'Countess? I?' I was shocked and unable to even contemplate a repartee. I must admit that until that moment I had not considered my future status. Thorn seemed well pleased with his shot but for some reason did not want for me to linger on it, perhaps he thought I might cry off.

'Not so superior now, eh Miss Bennet?' I received a quick kiss on my startled lips then, as he was about to continue, I interrupted with what I considered to be a very pertinent question.

'But you weren't?' Thorn was a blank.

'Wasn't what?'

'Down to propose?' For the first time since his proposal Thorn got angry with me. I knew that the calm wouldn't last very long.

'No! Damn it all, have you not been listening?' It was is if someone had wound him up for he had gone to relaxing against my former seat to being as stiff as a board.

'Oh I have, I have, I just thought that I would check.' I received a fuming look which moved me not in the least. I placated him by patting his arm and urging him to continue.

'If you want us to get on with this...' Thorn's growl showed that he was not pacified yet.

'Oh I do, I do. I'm ready whenever you are.'

'Well, Lily said that there seemed to be no way that she was going to get to marry Robert so she didn't care who she wed: it may as well me I than any other man.' In my opinion that showed a decided bit of bad taste. As is one would 'settle' with Thorn!

'I don't think I like her much.' Thorn's ill humour fell away as he strove to be impartial.

'Actually, she is normally lovely, charming and considerate.' Had our conversation begun thus and Thorn not been safely mine I would have been green with envy. 'It is just when she is disappointed, especially about Robert, that she tends to lose all sort of perspective and go to extremes. But then,' Thorn considered, 'I don't know that I will ever forgive her for what she did to you.' And I had thought of being jealous of her! In that moment it seemed utter folly to even have contemplated it.

'I thought you said you didn't know what she said to me'

'I have enough of an idea to be going on with.' Thorn said darkly. I was glad that I was not Lily. 'The morning after our little...' Thorn seemed a little lost for the correct word and so, my humour still one of playfulness, I helped him find it.

'Escapade?' I dimpled at his look. Temptation is good for the soul, I am sure of it. Certainly Thorn seemed not to find it as amusing as I but once more seemed a little...tense.

'I would have used a different word, Kitten, but that will do. The morning after our little escapade, as soon as it was decent, I made a house call.'

'I know.'

'You know!' Thorn seemed shocked by my calm reply. His eyes searched my face, concerned I suppose that I would not trust him and would doubt his reasons for being there. I did and I did not. I was complacency itself.

'Yes, Mr. Calder saw your carriage outside her house.'

'What was he doing visiting you?' Thorn, it would appear, is not so complacent as I. I refrained from teasing him on this point. I too had felt the sting of jealously, I would not wish it on Thorn.

'I think he was saying goodbye, or perhaps a better expression would be brokering the terms of our friendship for the future. Don't be concerned, I beg of you. He was only ever a friend. I was yours before I knew it.' Thorn seemed satisfied with this. At any rate the jealous look was gone. There was a pregnant pause before Thorn thought better of expressing his gratitude at my sentiments. I must own that I was a little disappointed by this display of self-control. Perhaps I would mention it later.

'Lily did not tell me of your dealings in detail, but she said enough to give me an idea. But we are getting ahead of ourselves.' Thorn's tone made it perfectly clear that he considered this to be myfault. 'Anyway Robert eventually caved in...'

'How?'

'Kitty! Surely you cannot want to hear all of the details...'

Heedless of his exasperation I gave him an imploring look.

'Very well. Lily went through her Season and at its end informed her father that she would never marry. Her father wanting only her happiness immediately told Robert. Robert saw Lily to tell her that she wasn't to wear the willow for him. She told him that it was none of his business what she did as he had ended their engagement. For some reason this, or whatever else she said and do not ask me what Kitty for I did not ask for the details, seemed to be exactly the thing Robert needed to lift him out of his despair. They wed, I danced at their wedding and then left for the Horseguards with Richard. I thought that that was an end of it. For a long time it was.'

'Did their marriage work?'

'For a space it did. But Robert did not want to take Lily to Town. Mainly this was because of disability, it is a terrible thing for a proud man to be struck down before his prime. Note Kitty that his stated reason was the business on the estate which absorbs much of his time. For a few years Lily accepted this. Then something happened, I know not precisely what, to make Lily feel that estate was more important to him than she was. Ever since that time, every year or so she will go and visit a friend in a high state of dudgeon. She would feel that her suspicions were confirmed when he did not follow her. Her friends would presume that she was unhappy in her marriage for altogether different reasons.'

'You?'

'Me. And so the rumour that should have been quashed years before lived on.' Thorn hid his anger in sarcasm. I considered for a moment.

'Lily should have stopped it.'

'Yes, she should have done, but is it not much more romantic to be in unrequited love for a peer than unhappily married to a man she adores? A man that she felt rejected her still?' Thorn's cynicism showed. I remembered then that William had once told me that Thorn was 'disillusioned with (my) sex at present.' I did not wonder why now.

'Did you not know?' He shrugged.

'At first I was away at the Peninsula, then I overtook running the estates on my Fathers death.'

'Georgie said that you left the army after Talavera.' Thorn did not seem displeased that he had been the topic of our discussion. But that he had known the circumstances!

'She was correct, I had been in the Horseguards before I applied for a post in active service. I felt that I wasn't a real soldier and I was keen to see Wellesley in action. I retired my commission in time to see my father before he died. After that I was busy sorting out several of our peripheral estates that had been neglected as father rarely left Thrapsten. It was only then that I returned home. It then took a few weeks before Robert got drunk enough to tell me the truth of it.'

'How did you feel? What did you say?' Thorn's aspect held impotent frustration even now.

'What could I say? It was damnably awkward, Kitten. The man was telling me that his wife was telling the entire world that I loved her! I was furious at her and not a little annoyed at Robert. Despite that they were my oldest friends and I felt that they should be together.'

'You sorted it?' I don't think that Thorn noticed my adoring looks. I am not of a jealous nature: I did not mind sharing my hero with others.

'Eventually. It was the Season of '10 before I visited London with Darcy, I ran into Lily and gave her a proper flea in her ear. She cried, then sought repeated assurances that Robert really, really loved her.' The boredom in his voice was comical, I added my own touch of humour.

'I can understand that.' Thorn smiled at my droll reply.

'Quite. Anyway, I eventually got her to see her to see it from Robert's point of view. She rushed home and for almost two years, bar three very slight flare ups, all was quiet.' I was curious as to what the three incidents were, but were I to inquire we would be there forever.

'That takes us to last year. What happened next?'

'Lily became convinced that she was barren.' I, as I am sure Thorn intended me to given his rather blunt statement, gasped in shock, hand lifted to my mouth.

'Oh my!'

'Quite. After, what seven years of marriage? The comments started to reach home, and soon she became obsessed with it. Spring is a busy time for a farmer, and Robert was busier than most. She again felt neglected and her insecurities nagged at her, but on top of it this time she felt that it was because she was failing him. I was away at the time: my godfather had died and I was an executor of his will. My duties took me Ireland and so I was abroad when Darcy and Robert were having their crises.'

'My Thorn!' My pride and admiration were sincere even if my mode of expressing it was not. Luckily it seemed that this time we understood one another - Thorn took my words as I intended.

'I do not feel it, Kitty. Anyway, Darcy sorted himself out, by and large, on his own'

'By and large?' I was getting side-tracked I know, but my curiosity demanded nourishment.

'Richard and I didn't know the exact problem for Darcy never spoke of it, although Richard confessed his suspicions to me. Remember he had met your sister at Hunsford and knew Darce well. As good friends ought, we helped to... console him.' Aha, that word again! I know of what you speak, Sirrah!

'I thought you said you were away.' Again I did not doubt him but wanted to know the whole. Thorn did not seem to mind.

'I had to come back to Thrapsten for some business, I did not visit London but stayed overnight at Pemberley.'

'And you got William drunk?' I wanted everything to be clear in my mind. Thorn seemed slightly uncomfortable at my direct approach.

'It was in the privacy of his own home, and he needed it. No harm done.'

I wasn't entirely sure if I approved. Thorn hastily moved on before I had time to consider it.

'Anyway, I thought you wanted to hear about Lily?'

'Well carry on!'

'I got back after the Season had ended. She was visiting a friend, and I paid a visit to the husband of the house who luckily enough sells horses. This was my stated reason but I managed to get to Lily. I told her, as I have a hundred times without rancour, that she was being ridiculous by running of in this manner and that his affection was sincere but that his own self-doubt because of his injuries would not allow him to follow her. The long and the short of it was that she agreed to go home and talk to Robert. By the by, I do not wish you to think that I blame the whole mess on Lily. Robert has made his fair share of mistakes: Lily's problems are rooted in her insecurities and now his own dominate his thoughts and he has little time to reassure her. Sometimes I think that all of their problems would be solved if he were to tell her at least twice every day that he loves her and stopped seeking his answers by work or at the bottom of a bottle and she by running away.'

'I promise never to run away.' The chances of that were minuscule as far as I was concerned but I wanted to make it very clear to Thorn that we should never end up as them. Thorn did not smile.

'Thank you, Kitten, but it is quite unnecessary. Rest assured that I would follow you in no time. You would not even make it out of the gates of Thrapsten. But to get back to our topic of conversation after that I heard no more about it. I stayed at Pemberley for Christmas. I met your Aunt and Uncle Gardiner and heard a little of this sister Catherine who was coming to visit.' This last was said with a teasing look that did not hide the tenderness. This I was not at all averse to hearing.

'You were curious?' The thought pleased me.

'In a distant kind of way. I will be ungallant and say that I did not welcome you if you were chasing after my title, but I felt that as you were Lizzy's sister it was unfair to judge you in advance.' It would appear that Thorn now thought that we should only tell each other the truth. It did not pain me to hear this, after all it would be very unfair to expect him to love me before he even saw me! 'The night of your arrival I had received a letter - Robert was writing to say that Lily had run away, This time apparently it was for good and she was threatening him with divorce. It was plain that I needed to go to him, try to talk some kind of sense into him and then maybe see her. I did not relish my task.' Thorn is the master of understatements.

'He seems very dependent on you.' I was trying not to be critical but it was difficult. For a man to lay his own life so completely in the hands of another without pride. Is that friendship?

'He is very aware of his disability, Kitty, and does not always find it easy to show his affections.' Thorn's tone made it clear that I should try to be understanding. I smiled and nodded, still not wholly convinced.

'And?'

'I spoke to Robert and told him that I would do my best, but that Lily was probably best left alone. Lily had left because Robert had told her that he did not care about having children, meaning of course that he was happy just to be married to her. She took this the wrong way and left. I thought that the best thing would be if he was to write her a letter explaining this and then leave her to come to her own conclusions. When nothing had happened in a few weeks I went to London and spoke with Lily in private. I stayed only the day and no one knew I was there.'

'What did you tell her?'

'What I always tell her.' He shrugged, the sadness that he felt at the state of his friend's relationship was obvious to me. I must be a very mean person, but I felt that it was most cruel of them to wrap him up so in their affairs. Did they not see what this was doing to him? 'What Robert had told me. It would seem that the stupid woman had burnt his letter without reading it.'

'She agreed to go back?'

'Eventually. She was missing him by now. I escorted her home and oversaw the first couple of days together. It was like old times and they both seemed to make an effort. I had told Robert to pay more attention to her and was hopeful of it all being resolved. I returned to Pemberley in a lighter frame of mind and found that in my absence my duckling had turned into a swan.'

I blushed at his compliment and the compliment in his eyes. We could talk of that later.

'So why did Lily come to London again?'

'You.'

'Me?' He could have knocked me down with a feather so shocked I was!

'I had written to Robert and, by my frequent mentions of a certain lady, told him enough for him to be certain where my affections lie.' Thorn's openness thrilled me. 'Lily read my letter and started thinking. By this time she and Robert were at odds again.'

'What about?' Thorn pushed his hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture.

'I honestly think that they've got to the stage where they don't need to have anything to fight about. The weather would do fine. So Lily worried that if I was not there to patch things up then maybe the next time Robert and she really would divorce. She thought that she needed me to help her keep Robert and so came to London to make sure that I would be free to do so.'

'That was very desperate.'

'It was very selfish. Who is she to decided our happiness? Why should their happiness be put above ours? If you were a fortune hunter then I could concede some points, but she owned to me that you held me in some affection.' Despite myself I blushed.

'She said that?' I had known that Lily had realised the depth of my feelings, I had never thought that she would tell Thorn!

'Oh yes, she declared it when she said that it had pained her to hurt you. Naturally although I wished to strangle her for any harm she caused you I was rather interested in the idea of you being affected by Lily's lies.' I ignored the look in his eye.

'She knew of how we met.'

'I had told Robert, he must have told Lily.'

'But how did she know that you wouldn't in Town in the first place?'

'Because she sent me a letter begging me to come to their house as Robert needed me. It was not so urgent that I could not take you for a carriage ride, but serious enough that I had to leave Town within the day.' Our carriage ride was a topic for a later discussion. I did not know how I felt about Thorn jumping to do Lily's bidding.

'And Lily came.'

'Yes. It wasn't immediately clear why Lily had acted that way and as I was planning marriage I decided that it was time that Robert learned to sort out his own life. We had a few conversations on this topic. I received a letter from William and so I came back to London in time for a certain ball.'

I squirmed in my seat, sure now that he would make a pointed remark on my absence and our 'discussion'.

'Oh?' To my relief he did not on this occasion, although I ma sure that he is just storing it up to be used against me at a later date. For the moment he seemed content with teasing me.

'Yes, Miss, blush. So you and I had our talk and I found that Lily had been spreading her lies to you. All things considered I thought it best if I spoke to Lily before I spoke to you again.'

'And so you went the next morning?'

'Yes, and gave her a flea in her ear. Mrs. Hampton has been left with the assurity that her marriage is now her own affair. If she spreads any more lies then I will tell everyone the truth.' This shocked me.

'All of the truth?' Thorn was immovable.

'Enough of it, Kitty. I'm not having her hurt you again.'

'And you really mean never to help them?'

'That is my intention.' I reflected on this. I was not sure whether I felt glad or guilty.

'Well, I suppose she does deserve it.' Even so I could not help but feel sorry for her. My feelings must have shown on my face.

'If she ever hurts you again...' I rushed to reassure him and touched a hand to his face, trying to soothe away the threat that lingered there.

'She won't Thorn. She has no power over me now.'

'Good.' He turned his head and kissed my palm. I struggled to keep my line of thought.

'But what has happened between them now?' Thorn smiled at my breathy question.

'I don't know. Lily and I had one almighty row at Lady Chasterleigh's Ball. Some hurtful things were said on both sides but I told her once and for all that I loved you, that I would never forgive her if she had driven you away. I told in as plain a words as possible that I did not and never had loved her. I felt friendship more towards her husband than I felt to her. I told her that that was that. My time of interfering in her life was over - they could sort out their own problems from now on. She cried and begged. I would not be moved. She had the good sense to leave for home before the storm broke properly. It seemed that the whole of Town knows that we fought, although they do not know why. Frankly I would be glad if they knew - it would get me some peace if they did.'

'So that is Lily.'

'Yes, Kitten, that is Lily.'

I had heard enough of her now. I felt that I finally understood her and Thorn's actions and knowing that only made him more dear to me.

'Thorn...' Thorn looked up sharply at my husky tone.

'Kitten?'

'Don't you think that six inches is too far?'

I had no need to explain what I meant: the six inches between evaporated like smoke. And that was that for quite some time.

Continued In Next Section