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Chapter 30

I dedicate this to Sharni who wanted revenge for Thorn's initial insult for so long. Will this do?

'Well?' Thorn's face was implacable and stern - this was a side of him that I had never seen before and as I was wholly unprepared for this meeting I could only gape in what I suspect was a most unbecoming fashion for a moment before attempting to gather my wits.

This was not the meeting I had been expecting, it was the first time I had seen Thorn in above a week, which is not so very long I grant you, but then you consider that in this time I had discovered that I loved him, Georgie loved him, and I had met his old flame Lily Hampton... is it so unlikely that I should think on our next rendezvous? Somewhere in my mind, however, I had imagined a drawing room; I, suitably attired of course, being uncertain of how to approach him now that all of the rules had changed; Georgie blushing furiously in the corner and Thorn being his own dear self and utterly oblivious to it all. I think that I was wrong in about every respect. But this was where I found myself and there was no point in crying over spilt milk. I tried for bravado - I needed the time. Lord, what was going on here, and how on earth was this going to all work out?

'I'm afraid that I don't know what you are talking about.' The grip on my hand tightened as a flash of anger suffused my friend's face.

'Don't.' The quiet order silenced me more effectively than a shout. I could no longer hold his eyes, but looked away a moment in my shame. Even in my confusion one thing was plain to me: I could never tell Thorn the truth.

Where did that leave us?

'And who are you?' I sensed the shift in Thorn's attention and rushed to defend my new friend from the old.

'Don't hurt him, Thorn, please! You can' t just shoot the messenger because you are angry at me!' I tugged at Thorn's sleeve and beseeched him, but Thorn was having none of it. So much for my great powers of persuasion! Thorn repeated his question, in that same quiet voice that suggested trouble for someone, and unless I am of a fanciful nature had a decided undercurrent of violence.

'Who are you?' Jed struggled out of the hold of the two men that had him pinioned. Thorn nodded to allow it, and I saw Jed pull himself to his full height before answering.

'Jebediah Francis Judd Junior' My pride in him was immense and despite our circumstances I beamed him a huge smile. Thorn, it appears, was not so easily impressed.

'If you say anything of this night then I will find you and you will regret it.' I don't think that I was ever so scared in my entire life. It did not matter that the threat was unjustified, that I knew that there was no way on earth that he would ever hurt me, but still the menace in Thorn's tone and that sense of power was not a little frightening. There was not one doubt in my mind that Thorn spoke the truth of his intentions. A tingle of fear raced down my spine. Thorn must have felt my shudder for his hand became suddenly more supporting than containing. It was some comfort, and a little enough thing to set my stupid heart racing once more.

Surprisingly Jed did not take umbrage at this tone of address, if anything he looked amused!

Men - I swear that even should I live to a thousand I will never understand them!

'You have nothing to fear from me.' Thorn seemed to relax, I think he too trusted Jed.

'Good.' Trust him he might, but his voice still held unquestioning authority. Is this what being in the army does to a man? 'Do you require payment?'

Jed's eyes narrowed and his chin went up.

'No.' There was as much pride in that voice as there was in the Prince Regent's! I could have clapped!

'Then we will bid you goodnight.' The hand under my arm tightened once more and I was steered towards a closed carriage at the end of the lane that in my distraction I had not noticed before. One of the men who had held Jed ran ahead of us so that he could open the carriage door first. I certainly appreciated the humour in this but could not raise myself to share it, anyway, I thought that it would probably not be appreciated.

Jed's reply followed us down the street.

'Aye, you'll be aright now lass.' I could not for the life of me see what was so funny to him, but turned to smile my goodbye. There was no way I could remind him about Charlie and the need to get Lydia's address in front of Thorn so I just had settle for a worried look and a nod in his general direction. I think Jed understood for he smiled back and nodded in return.

Thorn pulled me sharply onwards and I had no more chances for looking back.

It was I, however, who pulled him to a stop outside of the carriage door.

'Thorn...' I did not know what I was going to say, but something, I had to say something to stop that hard eyed glare.

'Not here, Kitty.' His tone was final. I sighed and took his hand to lever myself into the carriage.

Once inside I tried once more to talk to him. Again I was told:

'Not here, Kitty' This time I questioned him.

'Where then?' Another hard eyed look. The comfort of the carriage must have boosted my courage for I found that I could meet it without flinching. Thorn cocked an eyebrow at my insolence.

'At the house, of course.' This was not time for sarcasm! But I was panicking too much to call him to order.

'You are suggesting that we wake Lizzy!'

'In the first place I doubt that they will be back yet from the Party of the Season which you are currently missing, and in the second we are not going to Darcy's, we are going to my house.'

Welcome to my parlour said the spider to the fly.

I was effectively silenced.

I must admit that I had always been intensely curious about Thorn's family townhouse - I knew that he lived there instead of in bachelor lodgings like Richard, and yet still I had never had an excuse to be inside. By all accounts it is a lovely house, both inside and out. It even has a name - Thrapsten Manor - apparently some ancestor had a twisted sense of humour. In my darker moments of late I must admit that I had wondered if it wasn't some shrine to Lily Hampton. Even I, however, have enough sense to realise that that is unlikely...or at least I hope it is. No, it is much more probable is that he doesn't want to be overrun by mothers and daughters should they realise that he is receiving once more, or harbour gossip if he were to invite me alone.

We were silent until we had arrived at the house and divested ourselves of our outer coats. I saw Thorn give a quick glance to the old dress I wore, but I refused to be embarrassed. We cannot all afford silks and satins all of the time and I feel that they would have been wildly out of place tonight. It did rather nail the idea on the head that could tell him I had got lost whilst sleepwalking. Silly idea anyway. Thorn conversed briefly with his butler and I used this to have a good look around. Not a shrine to Lily then? But it was very, very nice. Very tasteful.

'Kitty!' I think that must not have been the first time that Thorn had called to me. I had become distracted you see, for I was trying to imagine if the hall would look better a muted yellow than the pale blue it was at present. I blushed, and I know not why but I don't know that Thorn noticed. He waved me in front of him through an open door and I went without protest. 'I am sorry that it is the study, but I am just back from the country and the fires in the other rooms are not lit.' I could not think of a clever reply and so said nothing, but sat on the small couch near the fire. Thorn paced and I watched. He did look tired! I felt a rush of guilt at worrying him so but that was quickly superseded by panic as he stopped next to my chair. Thorn squatted on his haunches so that our eyes were on a level, and took my hand, turning it over to inspect the palm. I think my heart had ceased to beat in any sort of ordered fashion long ago and now it contented itself with a wild fluttering. When he spoke Thorn's voice was so soft that I felt that I had to lean in to hear it properly.

'I want to trust you kitten. Tell me what happened tonight.' Oh! If I was not already madly in love with Thorn that question that would have sent me tumbling head over heels, but as it was it effectively sealed my fate. How could any other man possibly live up to him?

But worse than anything I could have imagined was the appeal in Thorn's eyes. I wanted him to trust me more than anything, I wanted him to love me for goodness sake! But how could he? And how could I let him? Normally any sane woman would be over the moon that a man should trust her thus, and I cursed my situation that I could not be. I knew that I could not tell him all. It was all so complicated, and I had so many reasons: shame over my sister's situation I could overcome for him I know. That embarrassment I could bear for I knew that as an intimate of our family he probably already knew the truth of Lydia's marriage. But Georgie? I mean how could I explain why I needed rid of Lydia and Wickham? Thorn knew me too well to doubt that I had to have a very strong reason for this night's work. Silly I may be, but I would have to have a very good reason to want to risk myself in the way that I did, and for it to superseded my loyalty to my sister...

Oh, why had I not told someone?

Thorn was to astute not to figure out that there was something I was hiding and he was too clever, and I too inept at dissembling, for him not to determine that it was something to do with Georgiana. No, it was better to let him think of me what he would than to jeopardise a future that was not mine to lose. The truth shows me as impulsive, silly and naïve, but loyal - forgivable traits. How selfish would I be to grasp this opportunity and place my own happiness above that of my friend? I could not do it. And so I stayed silent. Thorn waited also. He gripped my hands tighter.

'Kitty, please!' Thorn is a proud man, there are few prouder. That he was down before me and all but begging broke my heart, but not my resolve. I had to speak though.

'Thorn... I don't want to lie to you.' No I do not, please do not ask anymore of me! Thorn agreed though, and I could see that he would not let it rest. His eyes were searching mine as if the answers to his questions lay there.

'No Kitty, if you remember you once swore that you would never lie to me.' So I was kitten no longer and Kitty once more.

I remembered what he spoke of well - in return for my beautiful coat I had vowed never to lie to him. At the time I had thought it a poor exchange on Thorn's part and had been heartily amused. Now I realised the bind it put me in. I would honour my vow though, well as long as one doesn't count misdirection and not contradicting misperceptions as lying. I tipped my chin higher.

'And I won't lie to you, I will keep my word.' Warmth flooded Thorn's eyes, and a half smile started on his face. I arrested both with my next words. 'But it does mean that I cannot answer you.'

'Cannot or will not?' The question was rapped out and there was a harshness creeping into his tone. I welcomed it gladly, his anger was far easier to withstand than appeal.

I shrugged and looked away, deliberately angering him more. His hands gripped tighter. When he spoke, Thorn's voice was very level as if it took all of his self-control not to rant and rave.

'Kitty, I had thought that we were friends, I had thought...'

'But if we are friends, can you not just trust me and let me go?' I jumped on this half opportunity, perhaps foolishly for I knew that he would never let me leave without explaining myself. Now it was my hands that gripped his.

As could be expected Thorn was incredulous. He almost threw my hands back at me.

'You want for me to accept without question that you chose to wander around the less salubrious parts of London in the middle of the night, accompanied by God knows what kind of a man...'

'Jed is very respectable..' I was up in arms in defence of my friend, Thorn ignored me.

'On who knows what kind of business. Lying to your friends and family left right and centre to enable yourself to do it. No Kitty, I cannot accept it and I will not. It would not answer.' Thorn stood and I found that I had to crane my neck back to look at him. 'What kind of trouble are you in, Kitty?'

Thorn's tone of voice hardly encouraged one to confide even had that been my intention. I looked away and firmed my jaw. He is not the only one with a temper and he certainly is not the only one who is stubborn. But if I were to lose my self-control then my watch on my tongue might also go, then the fat would really be in the fire. I took a deep breath in an effort to calm myself, I do not know that it made any appreciable difference.

By this point a thought which should have occurred to me earlier had struck me: Thorn was in a Weston jacket and good trousers. Not the kind of clothes that one would wear to the slums. I was a bit slow on the uptake I admit.

'What were you doing there?' Thorn accepted my change of subject, although he did not looked best pleased with it.

'So we have to go through this do we?'

'Yes.' Snooty man! Now I was standing too, and I raised my chin to a challenging angle. 'Surely friends share these sorts of things with each other.' Thorn was not the only one who could be sarcastic, but oh my, he did not like that! He plunged his hands into his pockets.

'What do you think I was doing there'

I answered his question at face value, ignoring the challenge in his statement. A thousand possibilities shot through my head but I discarded them all.

'I don't know - visiting an older soldier or something' But at that time of night? William had confided in me weeks ago the good work that Thorn did for the discharged soldiers who were forced to beg on the streets of London. When I challenged Thorn on it he had looked decidedly embarrassed but afterwards had asked my advice on several points and had seemed glad that I had known. He had even promised a visit one day to the safe house he had set up for them. I didn't see that happening anymore. Thorn looked not displeased with my answer but did not immediately reply.

'Why were you in that district? In fact what are you doing in London? I declare that I can see no sane answer to it!' I think it demonstrates my irrationality that I was getting distressed about his silence when in truth it mattered very little why he was there. Well, in my defence, I must say that I never claimed to be a rational creature.

'I was following you Kitty.' The quiet words were the last thing I was expecting.

'What?' I spluttered indelicately for a moment. 'Why? How? For the whole week? I mean you aren't even in London, or you weren't at least...'

Thorn lounged against the mantelpiece apparently totally at ease. I was not so fooled - his hands were still balled into fists in his pockets and there was the faintest trace of a frown across his brow.

'Do you remember my Tiger from our jaunt out to the park?' Thorn then answered his own question. 'No I suppose not, we never seem to notice those beneath us do we?' Was Thorn suggesting that I was a snob? 'Anyway, I did not need him when I was going away and, as he is a restless soul, he required an occupation. I gave him the protection of you and Georgiana. Knowing you so well as I do I knew that if there was any mischief to be had then it would undoubtedly be you at the centre of it all.' I would have loved to take exception to that, but it was true. It did not improve my humour. 'I was urgently called back to London by... a friend.' Thorn hesitated to name who it was but I knew very well who that friend was - Lily. Jealousy seared through my brain, and I must admit that I was not a good enough person to stop it. I clasped my hands in front of me. All the better not to break anything. 'I went to the party tonight and was very surprised and concerned when I was told that you were not there. That was surprise enough, but then Archibald interrupted the Quadrille with a message that you were frequenting one of the most inauspicious taverns in London. Naturally I set off running.' was there self-mockery in his tone? 'We were on our way to the inn when we ran across you in the street instead.' Thorn stopped, but as it looked as if I would not answer he added: 'Any questions?'

Hundreds, hundreds of questions. Most of them I could not even name yet. Some I was too afraid to ask, I feared their answer. Most of them boiled down to why? Why have me followed? Why should Thorn be the one to come and get me? Why did William not come instead? Why this deposition now, why not just take me to the Darcy Townhouse and see to me there? I asked none of these.

'You mean he would have stayed up all night to see where I was and what I was doing?' I was incredulous and my mind grasped at the practicalities rather than the larger issues.

'Archibald is a very... dedicated individual. But no, he did not normally do that, if that is what you are asking. His suspicions were aroused during your day visit.' So I had been followed then as well!

'Oh you think you know everything, don't you!' I was wildly accusingly and I began to pace the room. As my temper slipped lies, misinterpretations and truth all became mixed up in my head. Thorn watched on.

'No, Kitty, I do not.' There was that tone of self-mockery that I detest again. Does he not realise that I would protect him against slander even when it was himself who was charging it? Bah! No, he did not, how could he? The thought depressed me and my control slipped a couple of inches more. I turned and charged him head on:

'What right had you to follow me, to treat me in such a way?' I do believe that I was the very personification of Righteous Indignation.

'Don't Kitty, don't even try to make this into my fault.' Thorn sounded more tired than anything else, and I at once relented. No, none of it is Thorn's fault but the damnable irony of it is that very little of it is mine. My anger spent I now felt close to tears and I returned to my seat. When Thorn spoke next it was on the last topic that I expected.

'I might not know it all, but I know that that impudent puppy who we had all thought of as merely an amusement or inconvenience obviously has a larger hold on you then we all thought.

'I beg your pardon?' I tried to lift myself out of the doldrums, but found that my interest had waned as this conversation had gone from the bizarre to the insane. I was very, very tired.

'Chesterton. ' Thorn said this one name as if it were the answer to the whole conundrum. I could not but be thankful that the conversation had turned away from Georgiana, but was frankly bamboozled.

'What has Gussie to do with this?' I pushed away a fallen lock of hair that was tickling my nose.

Thorn made a movement of impatience.

'Don't lie to me Kitty - it is plain enough that a schoolboy could figure it out.'

'Then please, share your deductions.' I was all politeness.

Thorn was grim as he imagined that I was misleading him once more. I found that I could not reasonably take exception to it for I had every intention of doing so, and this may well prove to be the very thing I needed.

'Very well. One: despite Chesterton being a king-sized idiot he has the necessary merits that is conferred by also possessing a king-sized bank balance, as I am sure you are aware.' My eyes opened wide as I caught his gist. Words clamoured to be out but I held my tongue, my ruse would be up if I attempted to defend myself. 'Two: despite the fact that I doubt that he has two brain cells to rub together you not only keep his 'poetry', but refuse to let anyone see it - even your own sister! Prized these tokens must be indeed.' I gave Thorn no response, but thought that I might be beginning to see where he was going - had he not said that Gussie was not at the party also? 'Three: you humour him at every occasion, and have no qualms dancing or riding out with him!' Did the fact that I had refused to ride with Thorn for so long bother him? I had thought that we had both seen it as something of a game! 'Four: the whole Ton knows that he has proposed to you yet you have shared this with no one, it would seem strangely as if you were protecting him.' Gussie had never proposed! I had always been too quick for him, too sharp, but I could not see what that had to do with anything! My brain hurt from all of the thinking it had been forced to do.

'Please, Thorn, it is late and I am tired. May I ask to what these points tend?'

'Certainly. Perhaps five, six and seven would help.' Thorn was working himself up into a sarcastic passion. He was almost bitter and it pained me to see him so, but I had made my choices for the best of everyone and I would just have to hold my tongue. 'Five: Chesterton is young and malleable; six: he rushed out and gave you a note this afternoon after which you looked - and here I will paraphrase Archibald 'guilty, unhappy but secretly excited.''

I was wholly unimpressed. 'Your Tiger is quite the poet.'

'Kitty!' It would appear that I was missing the point. As I was of course, quite deliberately. How could Thorn think such things of me? Gussie? I mean, please! Thorn's jaw firmed furiously, and his eyes sparkled with his thoughts and feelings. In stark contrast and in spite of everything I was calm.

'Besides that was only points five and six. Perhaps you would care to share seven with me as well?'

'Seven: despite the fact the Chesterton has not missed a Ton party in three years he was not there tonight. Obviously Chesterton had better things to do, in worse parts of town.'

And so all was clear: Thorn thought that I had a prearranged liaison with Gussie Chesterton. I did not feel in the least angry at Thorn, how could I when I had deliberately encouraged him by not contradicting anything? All I felt was a lasting sadness. Thorn continue to vent his anger with words as I lowered my eyes and stayed silent.

'Chesterton is an idiot whom I can almost understand, but you - you disappoint me Kitty, you really do. I had credited you with more sense, more taste. Not only do you allow yourself to be talked into an engagement with the pillock, but you agree to an elopement! I would have thought that after your sister's...'

'Leave Lydia out of this!' I was sharp in my response. I shuddered at the thought of an elopement with Gussie, that was the stuff of nightmares. At least Thorn thought our intentions were honourable, for some ridiculous reason that was a semi-comfort to my tired brain.

'Be that as it may. You do not seem to mind the hurt and distress that it would cause your family, the embarrassment and pain it would cause your sister even if you had been found out about tonight!' Thorn seemed to become lost for words, for a moment and glanced at the ceiling for inspiration. 'I simply cannot credit that you conducted yourself in such a fashion!' Then do not! Thorn wandered to the window and looked out to the darkened street. Still I said nothing.

'He is a coward for allowing you to be the one to get the tickets.

'You know about that!' Thorn turned to face me and looked more tired than ever, and I realised that he thought that I was confirming his worse fears. However hard it was for me, it was for the best, I had to remember that, had to keep it at the forefront of my mind. He was disappointed in me, yes. He feels that he has lost a friend, yes. But surely that is better than the alternative? I made the decision on the spot that I would indeed, without outright lying, allow Thorn's present misperceptions to stand. No matter the cost to my own heart. I quite fancied being a maiden aunt - they are always the favourite and after a couple of years I could wear a turban and maybe travel Europe.

'Yes, Archibald followed you into the first tavern you went to - he was at the bar and talked to the man who was getting the tickets.' Thorn seemed to sigh. 'He would have fetched me then, only he knew that you would not be staying long and did not want to lose the scent.'

'It would seem that Archibald needs congratulating.' Despite this having worked out for the best I was bitter, who would not be to have to thrust their dreams away from them like this?

'Is it the money Kitty? Is that what you see in him? If it is then you are a fool for there are far wealthier men willing, no eager, to have you as his wife.' I could not think for the life of me who he was referring to. And although my pride baulked at being called a fortune hunter, what could I do? Nothing.

Something seemed to occur to Thorn and he at once became all eager, hope springing into his face.

'Has Chesterton got something over you, is that it? Are you in trouble Kitty?'

I longed to agree, to answer the appeal in his eyes. But I could not. Not for the first time in this interview, tears were close to the surface and I lowered my own eyes so that he could not see then.

'No, Gussie has nothing over me.' I just wanted this to be over.

'So you are the same as all other women then, out for a nice pocketbook and a malleable partner.' I kept silent, all the sooner to be home. Thorn continued to goad me and himself.

'I am disappointed in you Kitty, I had thought you were more than that, different from the others.' What others? Lily? I couldn't take it anymore. I had this wild idea that maybe if I made him angry then instead of being disappointed and hurt it would be easier for him. That is what I do when I don't want to be hurt, why I used to storm about Longbourn. I formulated my plan, lining my arguments against him. I remembered every ill word he said of me, all the hurt, mostly unintentional I admit, he had caused me. With a couple of half thoughts and a vague plan of action I launched my attack. I am ashamed to say that I pulled no punches, but is it not better to be cruel to be kind?

I stood up, I was suddenly aware that I must appear guilty as I huddled in my seat, well now I wished to be defiant.

'Yes well it seems that disappointment has been a ready commodity recently.' Thorn seemed surprised and not a little indignant at my change in attitude.

'What are you talking about?'

'Lily Hampton.' Two words and with them his whole visage changed. It had happened before, at Lady Bellinger's' ball - the mere mention of her name had been enough to send him into irrational fury and so it was now. I certainly had his full attention.

'And what exactly do you mean by that?' Thorn stayed where he was but such was the energy that seemed to come from him that was still far too close. I did not step back.

'Oh come, Thorn, do not pretend that you do not know!' I was all politeness. I would not actually say the words unless I had to.

'What kind of game are you playing here Kitty?' Apparently Thorn wanted them said. So be it.

'It is not I that is playing the game, it is you, and with a married woman at that! I had always thought that no matter what other faults you may have, certainly there are some of temper that I could detail, that your morals would always be unimpeachable. That your honour would be unassailable. Imagine, if you would be so kind, as to my disappointment to find that my good friend and confident who I respected so much to be in love with a married woman!' The last words hurt me more than I can ever express to say, but said they were.

'You have been listening to gossip, Miss Bennet.' Miss Bennet now!

'No, Sir, I have not - I heard the whole form an unimpeachable source.'

'And who is that?'

'Mrs Lily Hampton.'

Thorn was silenced. He wandered over to the window once more. I cannot imagine what there could be to see on the street at this hour, but it seemed to interest him.

I did not regret my words, and only hoped that they would be enough. It was not to be.

'I see how it is.' I trust that he does not! Thorn turned round to face me once more. His face a severe mask.

'So that is what you think of me?' I tilted my chin in an aspect of haughtiness. 'Very well, but do you really think that my supposed behaviour justifies yours? Are you not more than this? Do you really want to bring shame on your family in this manner?'

And now for the ace in my pack, my coup de grace.

'I do not see why you are so upset about all of this, Lord Thornfield, I would have thought that you would positively love being proven right about me.'

'What are you talking about?'

'Oh, I am sorry, do I need to remind you? But then again perhaps I do - you must have said so many accusations since January that you will have quite forgotten it.'

'January, what...'

'Well my memory is not quite what it was, but as I seem to remember it you called me vulgar, rude, uneducated and unfashionable. I also believe that you made a comment about me chasing Richard's red coat.'

Thorn was silent. His face expressionless although I fancy that he had lost some of his colour.

'Well?'

'You heard that?' The voice was most unlike his own, gravely as if it had not been used in a long time.

'Oh yes, every word.'

Thorn lowered his head and stared at the fire.

'I hated you.' he stirred the embers. Unseen, I doubled over for a moment with the pain of it all and a noiseless sob escaped me. I could not do it, I could no longer hurt him. It is funny how the more you care for someone the more their power over you and the more they are capable of hurting you with the slightest word. I hurt, he hurt. Enough. I controlled myself once more.

'I wish to go home now.'

Without looking I gathered up my reticule and without turning made my way out of the room of horrors.

Chapter 30 - Continued

I went into the coolness of the hall and found it a relief after the last half hour closely closeted in the study with Thorn. There were no servants about, but that mattered little for my coat had been left on a chair by the side of the door. It was only as I was getting into it that I realised fully what I had done. I closed my eyes on a tide of horror.

Oh please no, tell me I did not just do that!

In my defense all I can say is that Thorn had not reacted at all as I had expected to in the face of my wild accusations and that that must have thrown me out. Is it not reasonable that I had thought that he would rise to defend himself to all the horrible things I said, and for them to sting him they had to be based on some truth, did they not? There is little point of accusing him of kidnapping innocent maidens, or piracy, or being a highwayman or some such is there? Be fair! Like all of the best lies, these had to have a central core of truth. But Thorn is passionate why had he not railed at me as I questioned his honour? I suddenly realised that I should have abandoned ship as soon as I saw that he was going to be true to his sex and not act at all as I had expected. After all, that would have been the sensible thing to do, the kind thing, the selfless thing to do. But had I done the sensible thing? No sir, not I, not Miss Catherine Bennet, the Darling of the Ton and the Idiot of the Year. What did I go and do when faced with my Thorn silently facing my spleen? I had poured all of my bitterness, all of my hurt and all of my disappointment out onto the person I loved most in the world. I am a truly a horrible, horrible person. I closed my eyes as the enormity of what I had done hit me. Dear God, I could not have been more spiteful and hurtful if he were my worst enemy! It is not Thorn's fault that I love him so very dearly, not his fault that I had let him think what I did. The worst of it was that there was no way I could put it right, not without explaining the whole and that was unthinkable. I was a truly a wretched woman unworthy of kissing his boots.

Thorn was not moments in following me out so thankfully my self-castigation could not be prolonged. I glanced at him as I recollected myself and did up the buttons of my coat. His face was remote and severe, to my tired eyes he looked fully ten years older. That this was a happening of my own making did not make my heart any lighter. I forcibly reminded myself that even so it was for the best - who knows, this may even encourage Thorn closer to Georgie and he could have a beautiful, gentle caring wife whose family he need not be ashamed of, whom he would not have to get his Tiger to watch when he was out of town, and whom he need never have a moments concern about her social skills, and who would never raise her voice to him in anger or spite. I was a novelty that would burn out - Georgie has the classic manners that last forever.

'Shall we go?' Thorn roused me. His voice was as cool and remote as his features.

I think there may well have been an audible crack as the last fraction of my heart, that final irrational hope, splintered and broke.

I nodded, by this point I was far beyond the point where words were impossible.

I attempted to smile at the Tiger as I got into the closed carriage once more. It was not his fault after all, and there was such sympathy in his look for me.

The carriage was dark and the journey was short. I briefly considered raising an objection to Thorn accompanying me - if we were caught then he could well be compromised into proposing to me, surely the last thing that he would want now, but it was too quiet - we would not get caught.

'You can get in without being seen?' I jumped when Thorn spoke, for I had not expected it. Why was he protecting me from William? I was grateful for it, it would give me some time to compose myself before my interview with him tomorrow.

'If you drop me at the end of the road I will get in the back.' My voice was husky, but Thorn understood and gave the order.

'I'm afraid that I cannot allow tonight to go without question.'

'I never expected you to.' How strange our two disjointed voices, ever so polite in the darkness. I clenched my hands in my lap.

'You will speak to Darcy?'

'Yes.' An easy promise as it had been my firm resolution for fully the last two hours. I thought that that would be an end to it.

'I have your word?'

'Yes.' I should have left it at that, but I could not seem to help myself. 'Have I ever given you any reason to doubt my word?' I received no reply. I stared unseeingly into the darkness and got something of a shock when we stopped. This was it then. Thorn called up that we would manage without help. He opened the door, but did not immediately get out. Moonlight flooded in turning the inside of the carriage into a strange mix of shadows and dark. In this light Thorn's eyes were unnaturally bright, but his face and form, like me, were almost wholly in darkness.

Thorn's practical words broke my fanciful thoughts.

'We will drive round the front. If there is not a light at your bedroom window within thirty minutes then regardless of Darcy and your sister, I will come in and see why not. Is that understood?'

I was beyond words and nodded. I made to get out of the carriage but was stopped by Thorn's growl.

'Kitty...'

Thorn's hands came around my forearms and I was pulled to him. In that moment I consigned my night's work and the best of my intentions to the wind, I no longer cared about Georgie, Lizzy, or Lydia. All I cared about at that point was that Thorn, the man I loved, the only man I could ever imagine loving like this, was going to kiss me. I did not even question his reason. I deliberately stopped thinking and when the fine touch of his lips met mine I put all my longing, all my desire, all of my frustrated hopes into my kiss. Contrary to common perception, I am not experienced at such liaisons but I think that something deep within him, a desperation, seemed to rise up also.

I wished that I could have died at that point.

Certainly the world stopped. Finally I understood Donne, and all of the other poets with their fancy words on love and kisses for this was no chaste kiss, no clumsy fumble, this was as it was meant to be, what it was meant to feel like. It took my breath away. Finally we pulled apart, each inelegantly gasping for breath. I know not how my hands came to be clinging on to his shirt, or how his arms came to be around me. I was conscious of the position that I was in should have been awkward and I should be embarrassed, but it was not and I was not. I closed my eyes for the briefest moment. Just for that one second I wanted to pretend that all was well. But with the small space and the moonlight between us so also flooded the misunderstandings and our harsh words of earlier. My conscience once more reared its head.

Hesitantly I touched my bruised lips with my hand and opened my eyes. All I saw was Thorn watching me. He was not mine. He could never be mine.

'Oh God!' The husky words escaped me and I scrambled out of the carriage in an untidy hurry. I was too quick for Thorn to catch me and I was off, running down the lane for all I was worth.

Thorn did not follow and did not call.

I reached my room and with shaking hands lit the candle to signal to Thorn. I put it by the window and, glancing around the curtain saw the carriage draw off. Only then did I collapse into a seat and allow myself to draw breath, only then did I allow myself to think on what I had done. I touched my bruised lips once more. Was I a shameless hussy? In truth I did not think so, never before had I felt such... magic. I smiled. Thorn had seemed surprised too. I could not regret it - come what may I had that memory to savour. Everything else was such a mess though. Somewhere in the house a clock struck four. Two hours till sunrise. Four till I could break my fast. Time enough to think and plan. For now it is the middle of the night, a time when all sensible thoughts should reasonably be banished and silly, hopeless dreams be spun. I smiled into the darkness once more and felt the salt of my tears on my lips.

Chapter 31

To my great surprise I managed to fall asleep at some point during the hours around dawn, this was due, I suspect, to sheer exhaustion rather than any serious trying on my part. As such I probably should have been unsurprised that I slept late the following morning, but it still somewhat offended my pride: you see that till that point I had been stalwart in my defense of Country Hours, but now I had inadvertently slipped up and so could no longer Lord it over everyone. I was sure that Lizzy and Richard would not allow this to pass without some comment. And thus pride comes before a fall once more.

On waking my first thought, I am heartily ashamed to say, was not about the mess I was in, all of the things that I had to do that day, or even about how I was going to approach William, but instead it was a dreamy moment in which I remembered that Thorn had kissed me followed by an almost unholy glee that it had been so. I awoke properly then as I realised that I had truly turned into the pathetic creature that I had once lived in fear of becoming. I should perhaps explain that when Mr. Bingley had left Jane after the Meryton Ball and I had seen how she was I had promised myself that even should I fall in love (which at that point seemed highly unlikely anyway) then I would certainly not allow my pleasure to be dictated on the presence, absence, smiles or frowns of that certain someone else - after all I had self-respect! It took a while I admit but eventually it dawned on me that even when Lydia and I had giggled and pretended to be in love with the officers in the militia, it had not been real. After they had left for Brighton and I had got over my peevish humour at being left out I had realised that I had didn't actually miss them, and really I had been left rather cold by it all. Please don't misunderstand - I like a uniform as much, if not more, than the next girl - but I hadn't been in love with them! My feelings on this had been twofold: on one side relief that it was so - I had no wish to be so dependent, but on the other hand I had a definite worry for there was a whole gaggle of men and nothing had happened - no spark - and I began to wonder if I ever would. I mean to have reached the age of seventeen and never been in love! One thing was now certain: the Greeks were right, one should be careful what one wishes for - look at me now! A rose tinted, fluffy headed, daydreaming romantic idiot who is going to spend the next thirty years wearing a silly smile as she remembers a stolen kiss in a dark carriage. Oh how the mighty have fallen! I quickly decided that I was an idiotic fool (as if there were another kind) and jumped out of bed.

Of one thing I could reliably be certain: the day in front of me was not going to be pleasant. I have often been of the opinion that horrid things are best done quickly else all that happens is that one dwells on it so much so that it assumes huge proportions in ones mind and one is quite unable to be reasonable about it. When one is not a wholly reasonable creature to begin with then it is apparent to one and all that action should be taken immediately. The first sign of the affliction is, I believe, referring to oneself as 'one' and so it was apparent that I had very little time to lose, else Bedlam would surely beckon.

I quickly got dressed and made my way downstairs, quite ready to skip breakfast and get on with my confession, but as I should have supposed all was not going to be so simple - when I questioned a maid I heard that William was in the study with his steward, just arrived from Pemberley, and his man of business with some fresh news. I gathered that it was something of importance and so resigned myself to wait. To my surprise I found that I was not annoyed, but in a more philosophical turn of mind I considered that these things are sent to test us. I then realised what it was that I was doing and decided to get some food, sustenance was required to bring back some of my spirit. I made my way into the breakfast room and was greeted by the news that every Young Lady of Fashion wishes to hear:

'Kitty you look absolutely awful.' I think I jumped a clear foot in the air for I had not expected anyone other than William to be up yet considering how late they must have got in from the ball, but there was a real concern in Lizzy's voice that needed answering and snapped me properly out of my introspection. When I looked at Lizzy I saw that, but for the decided frown of concern on her forehead, she looked very well indeed. I may yet refer to her as 'blooming', Lizzy would hate that. I smiled and kissed her cheek as I passed her chair.

'Thank you.' I replied nicely. At her speaking look I conceded that 'I still feel a bit under the weather.' Normally I would have denied feeling ill, but I was suppose that in a way I was out of sorts and besides, if Lizzy thought I was coming down with something it might make her sharp eyes less suspicious.

'Where is Georgiana?' Had it really only been a day since our fight?

'Still in bed. Richard was taking bets on whether she would be up in time for lunch.' I smiled, genuinely sorry that I had missed that.

'I really must speak to William this morning.' My mouth blurted out my largest concern without warning from my brain. Lizzy looked surprised at my bald statement, but I loved her all the more dearly when she forbore to ask further.

'He is talking with his factor on some business of some urgency.' Of course I knew this already, but I affected surprise.

'Oh?'

'I am sure that he will be free to speak to you later.'

'Thank you.' I then filled in time by telling Lizzy of Maria Lucas's upcoming marriage. Lizzy expressed her pleasure as was appropriate, but then Lizzy had always been closer to Charlotte than to Maria. For my part I cannot understand this, I mean who could ever be a close friend to someone who would ever want to marry Mr. Collins?

Most of the Ton was still recovering from the night before, and Lizzy and I sat informally in the morning room as she filled me in on the news of the night before, not really expecting visitors when the bell went. Another confession? My heart was in my mouth as for a moment I thought that it was Thorn. When Mr. Calder was announced I am not sure if I felt relief, or grief. I was sickened as I considered that this whole being in love business certainly addles ones common-sense and reason! Anyway, Mr. Calder brought me pink roses and came enquiring after my health as he had missed me at the party. Lizzy busied herself ordering tea.

'I am afraid that I wasn't feeling quite myself last night' I excused myself, not wholly comfortable with the lie, it seemed to sit heavy on my tongue, 'and would have made very poor company. Doubtless it is exhaustion. Mr. Darcy thinks that I have been doing too much.' Mr. Calder smiled as I had intended him too.

'You shall have to see that she slows down, Mrs. Darcy.'

'Oh, I think that we shall find that slowing down will be no problem at all in the coming weeks.' I think he must have caught her unaware as Lizzy is more sharp than that! She had an unmistakably dreamy smile on her face, and even a less astute man than Mr. Calder may well have had his suspicions. As it was my friend turned to me with an inquiring look that I answered with a happy grin. He was the first person that I had told Lizzy's news to, and I was not disappointed by the sincerity of his smile. Mr. Calder was too tactful to say any more on that subject, but instead turned to me.

'But it has been a pleasurable time for you? I trust that you have enjoyed your stay in Town, Miss Bennet?' I found that there was genuine enthusiasm in my response to his enquiry.

'Oh, yes, Town is wonderful! I have had a fantastic time!' Mr. Calder laughed as I beamed.

'I am sure that for the life of me I cannot see what could possibly merit such a voracious response!'

'Ah,' I replied cleverly, 'but that is because you feel that it becomes you to be world-weary and cynical - you no longer acknowledge the magic, only the horrid yellow pantaloons and the inferior brandy.' This was a double entendre on Mr. Calder's article of the previous week and I was very impressed with my own cleverness at bringing it so subtly into conversation. I had respected Mr. Calder's wish that I tell no one of the true identity of his pseudonym, and in return found that we had not once been subject to his vicious wit. I was now a firm follower of his column and would even discuss them with him when the Ton gave us an opportunity for privacy. It frustrated me greatly that he would not reveal how he knew all of the Ton's gossip so quickly, but I entertained us both by guessing.

Mr. Calder was also impressed with my cleverness and bowed.

'Touché!' I bowed back.

'Thank you.'

'I understand that our friend Lord Thornfield is back in Town?' I experienced a shock as I realised that it was a whole ten minutes since I had thought of him last. For the life of me I could never understand the hostility between the two men that bristled whenever they met. I was sure that if they just put their differences aside for a moment then they would discover that they actually got on famously. They are men though, so I suppose that expecting them to be practical would be too much to hope for.

Now who is cynical, eh?

'I am afraid that I wouldn't know.' I avoided Mr. Calder's eyes as I was forced to lie to him. Fortunately Lizzy then answered and so I was given a moment in which to collect myself.

'I believe that Lord Thornfield returned last night, certainly he looked in on the ball. I believe that he talked to Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam but was then called away on urgent business.'

I flushed deeper as I realised that I was the urgent business that had called him away.

'At that time of night?'

'I must admit that it is singular.' Lizzy was starting to get needled.

'I had not seen him last night, but I had thought that Lord Thornfield was not due to return to Town until Lady Chasterleigh's Ball ?'

'I am afraid that I am not Lord Thornfield's keeper, Mr. Calder,' Mr. Calder was thus reprimanded for his nosiness, 'but in this I am as much in the dark as you. Perhaps Mr. Darcy has more of an idea?'

'Perhaps he does.' I respected Mr. Calder for refusing to be drawn into a verbal argument with Lizzy, but then something occurred to me.

'Tell me, Mr. Calder, how is it that you know that Lord Thornfield is back if you did not see him last night?' All at once Mr. Calder looked uncomfortable, and gave the distinct impression of someone who wished that they had not opened their mouth and were currently miles away. I became suspicious of I knew not what.

' I saw his carriage on my way over here' A perfectly reasonable reply to be sure, but by then I was certain that there was more to it than that.

'Oh?'

'I saw Lord Thornfield's carriage outside of 'Lady Emilia Rochefort's house.' Thorn's carriage outside Lily Hampton's lodgings! No one else had ever stood a chance, had they?

Poor Georgie.

Poor Kitty.

But now was not the time to think on such things, not with Lizzy's sharp eyes watching, or Mr. Calder there. The poor man looked horribly ill at ease and I did what I could to help him, talking any old nonsense as I went.

'I am sure that it was business that took him there, I understand that Lord Rochefort has business interests in the East.' In Ton speak saying 'I understand that' is a way of showing off knowledge, and you do not seek confirmation of your facts, but and acknowledgment of your intelligence. Mr. Calder leapt gratefully to my olive branch.

'Yes, he has a great many sporting trophies from his youth, as he is a keen huntsman I think he spent most of his time out there on hunting expeditions. He swears that it is the best ground and the best game.'

'I detest the hunt, I think that it is beastly and inhumane.'

'I would be careful at who you said that to, Miss Bennet, for I am afraid that there are few in the circles that you frequent that would agree with you.'

We then fell into an inconsequential talk of nothings until Lizzy left the room to fetch some more embroidery wool. I was dwelling on how she was no doubt making a mull of it and I would soon be called to rescue the prospective cushion cover when Mr. Calder drove all such thoughts from my head.

'No one else ever stood a chance, did they?' This was such an echo of my thoughts from earlier that at first I suspected him to be a mind reader. But it was not just the words that took me by surprise, it was also the tone: one of quiet resignation. I did not insult us both by pretending that I did not understand what he meant. If anything, my only surprise was that he had not realised where my heart lay sooner and that I had been so blind as to how deep his feelings were for me. My poor dear friend. I could have wept. He clasped my hand in comfort and I saw only Thorn's ring on my finger. Why could life not be simpler?

'Do not be sad, Miss Bennet, please! Thornfield...' Why was he being so kind? Oh, I could not stand it!

'Please, Sir, please...do not speak of that.' I gripped him tightly in my turn, my eyes were swimming with tears such that I could hardly see him. He then looked down at our hands as well. There was a pause before he conceded.

'Perhaps you are right.' I squeezed his hand in gratitude.

'I am so sorry.' My voice broke.

'Do not be, it is not your fault.'

'You are too generous, Sir.'

He said nothing and we sat in an uncomfortable silence for a moment. I removed my hands from his.

'Mr. Calder...' I stopped as I feared that he might see me as selfish. I wished that I had not spoken.

'Pray, Miss Bennet, continue.' Mr. Calder was all gentle understanding.

'Are we still friends?' My words came out in a rush. Mr. Calder affected surprise.

'But of course we are! My heart is bruised, but I fancy it is not broken. Besides, it gives me a great advantage you know: it is a well-known fact that all great writers are heartsore.'

'Mr. Calder, please.' I could not even raise a smile at his light-hearted retort, my fears were assuaged though at the sincerity of his next reply.

'Miss Bennet, no matter how everything else stands please know that your friendship is something that I cherish deeply. I should be very sorry indeed if I were to lose it.'

'Sir, you shall not.'

To my surprise Mr. Calder then gave a positively wicked grin and leaned in conspiratorially to whisper, 'if nothing else it should drive Thornfield wild!' I was covered in blushes and confusion. I was relieved when Lizzy came back at that point and it was not long after the end of our tête-à-tête that Mr. Calder took his leave.

I had much to think on and so went up to my room. This was twofold: it allowed me solitude in which to bemoan fate and kick a cushion around the room in bad humour, and also afforded me an excellent view of the street and so I could tell the minute that William was free.

I had a long wait. It was after lunch that I saw the two gentlemen depart, in that time I had eaten again and railed against fate, fortune, and Mr. Wickham. On seeing the gentlemen depart, however, I quickly ran downstairs - it would not do to have to wait even longer. My nerves, loath though I am to mention them, were frayed to breaking point as it was: more delay would surely be the end of me.

I entered the study to William's call and found him sitting behind his desk. It had enough paper on it to put the public records office to shame.

'Are you busy?' Not one of my more intelligent comments, but my nervousness made my tongue unguarded. I was soon on the receiving end of a searching look.

'Quite, but the urgent things are being dealt with and, forgive me Kitty, but it looks as though you have much on your mind.'

'Yes.' I clasped my hands in front of me, my agitation rising to breaking point. William looked as if he was about to get up and when I quickly begged him to stay seated he leaned back and waited for me to start. I swallowed convulsively, my mouth suddenly dry, and then I began:

'Now I know that you are going to be angry at me, but I must beg of you not to speak until I am finished for as far as I can determine this whole mess has become much worse for people not knowing the whole truth.'

And so I told William everything. From Lydia's letter right up to Thorn finding me in the back streets of London. I told him about Charlie finding out Lydia's address and how I expected to hear from him that very day. Throughout the whole of my tale William sat in the silence that I had asked of him. For the most part it was difficult to tell what he was thinking, shock, anger and disgust were apparent on his face at various times, each quickly controlled. At the point of my detailing Wickham's plan he even bunched a fist, but that was as much as he did. I must confess that I found this more unnerving than soothing. When I finished I collapsed into the chair opposite his, quite exhausted. William sat for a further moment before asking if he was now allowed to speak. His tone was decidedly frosty and I flushed as I hurriedly assured him,

'Yes, yes, of course.'

William then proceeded to ask questions taking me over the whole damnable thing again, he went into minute detail until he was sure that he knew all of the facts. At the end I felt, to borrow a cant phrase, as if I had been put through the wringer! William then paused and I expected that that was to be it. I was surprised and alarmed that William then proceeded to ask questions on what I had rather was left well alone.

'And what did Thorn do when he found you in the slums of London?' There was a decided bite to his final words. I clasped my hands tighter.

'We went back to his townhouse and had a fight.'

'Why?'

'Why did we go back to his townhouse?' I was confused. William made no gesture of impatience but merely stated his question in full.

'No, why did you have a fight?' I flushed.

'Well he wanted to know what I was doing there and I couldn't tell him the truth, could I?' I think it came out half defiant, and half beseeching understanding.

'And so you lied to him?' William's voice became positively Arctic. Why was William asking me about this? Why could he not just leave it be?

'No,' I could see that he did not believe me and my pride started to kick in. 'No, but Thorn had jumped to some erroneous conclusions and I merely let him think what he wanted to.'

'I see,' William evidently saw more than I did, 'and you do not perceive that as lying?'

'No, I do not.' I had had enough of being cross examined, and lifted my chin. I had done everything with the best of intentions, I would not now be questioned on my loyalty or my morals.

There was a stark silence as our eyes battled. William then sighed heavily and looked down at his desk. He then launched into his judgment.

'You are right, of course, I should be angry at you. In fact I should be 'boiling mad' as you say, but to my surprise I find that I cannot be. True, you went out alone in the middle of the night to the slums of London, risking yourself and your reputation but you did so selflessly, out of loyalty to my sister. Any wrath I feel is because of the danger you put yourself in. Dear God Kitty, even thinking of it makes my blood run cold!' He then took a breath to control himself. 'But if your crazy scheme had gone wrong then I might well be angry, but as, amazingly, little harm seems to be done instead my feelings lean more towards respect and...gratitude. I can find you bloody stupid, Kitty, and I can wish with all of my heart that you had come to me before embarking on your adventure, but I find that I can also understand the reasons why you did not, and I find that as such I again cannot be angry. However, understand this for I will make it very plain: your part is now over. When your friend comes with Wickham's address he will see me.' I nodded obediently. 'Oh, and just to make sure you don't do anything more stupid, could you please leave the tickets you spoke of on my desk. I will reimburse you, of course.' Here I made noises of dissent. 'Don't be ridiculous Kitty, I will pay for them.'

'Very well, William.' I was meek as I considered my incredible luck at getting off so very lightly. 'Thank you.' I hurriedly added.

'Not at all.' He was all politeness and my heart lifted, as my silly head took in that my burden was fully removed. Any feelings of relief that I might have had were short-lived as William, who was all quiet understanding as might be expected, but with customary forthrightness struck straight to the heart of the matter.

'Now Kitty, why don't you tell me why you look as if the world has ended.' I was silent, my thoughts streaking away as to how I could get out of this one.

'I could of course be mistaken, but I do not think it is wholly connected to your sister and mine?' I ignored William's question and stared at the carpet. To my dismay it seemed as if my brain had ceased to function beyond an acknowledgment of panic. The next thing I knew was that William was beside me. His voice was gentle as he assured me that -

'Although I have never actually played the role of confident before, I have no reason to think I shall do so badly. If nothing else I can assure you of complete confidentiality.' I rose to stand beside him, but found that I could still not meet his eyes. I grasped on the one thing that seemed of utmost importance to me.

'You promise, you swear on your life's blood that you will never share what I am about to tell you with anyone?'

'Yes.'

To William's surprise I then promptly burst into tears and collapsed on his chest as I finally reached the end of my tether.

'I love him so much!' I wailed. I wailed much more besides, but that was the only thing that was vaguely coherent.

William was at something of a loss over the next ten minutes, I think that this was something that was beyond his experience, and he was quite unprepared for: he said 'there there' a lot and patted my arm somewhat gingerly. I didn't mind. Ignoring all sort of propriety I buried myself into his chest, all the better to weep inconsolably. Well, he had asked for it!

Eventually I was spent, and quietened to simple tears and the occasional hiccup.

'Kitty?' I think it was not the first time he had tried to rouse me. '...Kitty?'

'Mmph?' William must have accepted this as a reasonable response and a sign that I was more myself.

'Who? Thorn?'

'Yes, Thorn, who else?' I replied dully. Then I realised what I had said and I pulled myself back a bit to stare at him with red, puffy eyes that, as William watched with rising panic, seemed to be ominously filling with tears once more. 'Do you think that I am a trollop?'

'No!' He tried to rescue the situation, but I am afraid that the damage was already done.

'Well he does!' And I was off again. William resigned himself to a wait and when I quietened once more proceeded to argue with me.

'No, Kitty, believe me - he doesn't'

'Yes, he does.' I sighed and started hunting for my handkerchief, William proffered his.

'Kitty...' there was a stern note in his voice so I explained, my vaulted pride a thing of the past.

'He does, I made him think that.' I sniffed, calmer now.

'Why?' Ask a silly question...

'Because I had to.'

'This was last night I take it?'

'Yes.' I blew my nose.

'Why did you have to?' I was getting a bit impatient with him now - wasn't it plain enough, the silly man!

'I told you - because I had to protect Georgie's reputation.

'From Thorn?' I nodded, relieved that he finally seemed to understand.

'Why?' It was apparently too much to expect. 'If you had just told him that it was family trouble I am sure that he would have understood.' I shook my head.

'He would have asked and asked and asked. Besides he then would have wondered whose trouble and if he had found out it would have been terrible!' I got a bit indignant then. 'Anyway, I defy you to think of clever things to say at four o' clock in the morning after the most ghastly of nights!' William was then tediously patient.

'Kitty, I understand that you are upset, but this is Thorn. True, I would not want Georgiana's story known by everyone, but to such an old friend...'

'You don't understand.' I grumbled into his waistcoat.

'Then tell me.' I rolled my eyes, glad that he could not see.

'I can't!'

'Why not?' Oh!

'It is not mine to tell!'

'Kitty, I swear that I will not betray your confidence but I have to understand your motives.' I gave up. In for a penny in for a pound.

'Georgie loves him.'

'Who?' With a brother's customary blindness William was dumfounded.

'Thorn!' What did he think was all about, for goodness sake? I leaned back so that I could see his face. William blinked rapidly, but seemed to be thinking rather than be all possessive and upset.

'When did she tell you this?' What had that to do with anything?

'About a week ago.' I blew my nose into the hanky as I remembered. 'I wanted to die!' An exaggeration perhaps, but still...

'You already knew you loved him?' I nodded. 'I see.' William was decidedly grim, there was simply no other word for it. I sought to reassure him.

'You must see that one of the good things in this is that although Thorn hates me, that will bring him closer to Georgie and they will soon be heading the engagement page in The Times.' The thought did not seem to fill him with joy, perhaps I had gone to far but then he hadn't looked that possessive about Georgie before... 'Don't be angry, William. Please!' William recollected himself.

'I'm not angry, Kitty, not with you at least. But to get back to what we were talking about, you are upset because Thorn thinks you are a ...' William hesitated out of delicacy, I had no such qualms.

'Trollop who was going to elope with Gussie Chesterton.'

'What?' I sniffed with as much disdain as I could muster.

'Thank you. That was very much my opinion on the matter. A girl does have some self-respect you know!' William ignored this.

'So that is all? Thorn thinks that you were out to elope with Chesterton, well, Kitty, that is easily fixed!'

I slowly shook my head.

'That is not all?' William's tone was that of weary resignation.

'No. You see he kept on pressing me and pressing me and so I tried to make him angry but all I did was hurt him awfully! You see I shouted at him about Lily Hampton, even though I don't understand it and although she is lovely, I can't believe that they have a continuing liaison or relationship, I mean I would have though Thorn would sever all contact with her once she was married if he loved her so much. He is not really the type of man one would think would be able to stand by and watch his ladylove,' I hiccuped on the word, 'walk up the aisle with someone else! No matter what she says.' I ended this epic speech with decided firmness.

'No.' Was there an undercurrent of amusement in William's voice? I was given no chance to enquire. 'But you believe Thorn, you trust him?'

'I might not understand it, but I do trust him.' I replied loftily. Unfortunately the words brought back Thorn's initial understanding approach of last night, and I was lost again for a moment. William was not so affected, but looked pleased, I quickly put a stop to that. 'But there is more.'

'More?' He replied faintly.

'You see Thorn was being stubborn and wasn't getting angry or indignant - he just took my horrible words and then said he was disappointed in me! So...So I reminded him of what he had said at Pemberley about me.' William's eyes widened. 'You hadn't told him about that I gather?' I was mildly questioning.

'The two of you were getting on so well that we didn't want to spoil everything by bringing up past dislikes.'

'Well I brought it up.' I sniffed defiantly.

'Is that everything then?'

'You mean that he thinks I am going to elope with Gussie because of Gussie's money, that I lied to you all for my own selfish reasons, that I then said that he had no morals and had been awful and judgmental to me before he had even known me. Yes, I think that was about all.' I could still feel the touch of Thorn's lips on mine, but I couldn't mention that. William hugged me lightly around the shoulders. It was a moment before he said, with decision.

'A mull has been made of this, Kitty and it is not all your fault.'

'I just want to curl up in a corner and go to sleep for a long time.' William nodded and looked sympathetic

'But there is another way to get away....' I told him of Maria and my wish to return to Longbourn as soon as possible. William did not look convinced.

'Kitty, I am not sure. Things may happen in London that you are not at all expecting. I believe that Thorn...' I hurriedly stopped him.

'Don't build my hopes up, please William, for I am so very stupid that I will probably believe you.' I said this with a quiet helplessness that I think struck him more than my tears had done. He swallowed and it was in a decidedly husky tone of voice that he told me that:

'I think that at this point I am supposed to say that he doesn't deserve you. But Kitty, the thing is that I firmly believe that Thorn is one of the very few men in the world who does deserve you.'

'Oh William' I wailed and grasped at the hanky once more. William patted my hand and then talked out his plan over my sniffs.

'I will take you to Longbourn tomorrow. That should give you enough time to pack, and I could do with discussing this business with Bingley for it is in his interests too. That will also give us ample excuse for leaving tomorrow morning. No, Kitty, don't protest: none shall see you home but I. The rest will do you good, and maybe the distance will allow you too see things more clearly.'

'Thank you. William, you won't, I mean...' William stopped my decidedly muddled attempts for seeking reassurance,

'Kitty, you have my word that I will not share with anyone what you have said to me today.' William smiled. 'I am flattered beyond words that you trusted me enough to confide in me Kitty, Thank you.' That was not quite enough.

'And you will not act on what I told you?' There was a decided pause before he answered.

'I will do nothing that you would not want me to.' And with that I had to be satisfied. William sent me away saying that there was much to get ready. I was also abjured to bring down the tickets. Quite what William thinks I will do with them is beyond me. I am not so faint hearted that I would run to America to be rid of my problems, Hertfordshire is quite distance enough for that.

Chapter 32

William was as good as his word and the very next morning, at some obscene hour of the early morning, we left in the second carriage for Hertfordshire. The journey was tediously long and William, a quiet companion at the best of times, seemed to be determined to allow me 'time for my thoughts' as he so elegantly put it. This was the very last thing that I wanted and so I chattered away to fill the quietness. To my gratitude William did not seem to mind that despite my repeated assurances that I would stop, and my constant resolutions to do just that, all I could seem to talk about was Thorn - how good he was, but how very wonderfully ridiculous he could be and how thoughtful he was in buying my coat. I droned on in this silly way for hours I think, intermittently adding in mentions of the weather, just to add that bit of variety. If anything I think that William found me amusing, there was certainly a speculative look in his eye at the time that we stopped for tea that did more to close my mouth on the subject then any plea.

Everyone was surprised when we arrived at Longbourn, although thankfully Mama managed not to have a fit of the vapours. In all fairness this was very reasonable as even if we had bothered to dispatch a messenger from London, which we didn't, he would probably only have just arrived by the time we got in so fast we travelled. Papa asked, and I do not think he joked for there was a stern look in his eye and it was in a tone that boded ill for me should the answer be aye, if we had returned because I had got into trouble. William, with laudable sincerity and loyalty if not quite wholly truthfully, assured him quite the opposite. This confused Papa tremendously, and I could tell that he thought that William was only being kind, or worse was only saying this in order to get rid of me. To think, my own father trusts me so little! How well he knows me!

In the end William only stayed the one night, I think that he was anxious to return to Lizzy and so after riding to Netherfield that evening, he left for London the next morning loaded with all of the advice that Mama could possibly fit into the few hours that he stayed under Longbourn's roof.

One of the first things that Mama asked about was, as could have been expected, if I had met any nice young men during my sojourn in London. To be fair, she would hardly be Mama if she had not. I replied that I had, but that sadly they were all of the nice young men were married and all the others were either too old, too young or confirmed bachelors. This, I knew, would be a better way of thwarting that topic than to deny that the whole of London held not one 'nice young man' for not even Mama would believe that! And so Mama, successfully diverted, lamented my sad case and promptly moved onto the much more agreeable topic of fashions.

Mary also enquired after my stay in London, and with more genuine interest and less moralising than I had expected of her. She looked different too, it was hard to define and I had other things to think about, but she was more... pretty somehow, perhaps it was the way that she did her hair, or her new dresses. I think that Mary had benefited from being the only one of us still at home, five daughters under the one roof lends itself to a certain amount of ignoring even by the kindliest and most devoted of parents, and I think Mary was one of those people who just needed gentle 'encouragement' to show herself of at her best. It was working.

Once the flurry of our sudden arrival and William's swift departure was over we settled back into the quiet routine that I had grown up with. It was nice to be back. When I woke up in the mornings I did so with the funny feeling that I was safe. I do not know from what, well that is not true, but I wasn't about to admit it. Silly as it may sound it was also nice not to be the only person awake first thing in the morning, and then there was much to catch up on - I had been away almost six months after all, and after my trip I was something of a celebrity!

Of course, one of the first things I did was call on Maria. Like Jane before her, she was almost incandescent with happiness, it shone from her. In the face of her happiness I had not the heart to feel jealous or envious. I caught up on the full story of her courtship, it was all very romantic and we sighed and gasped with all of the feverency and excitement to be expected of two young woman. This part of the tale took all of a morning, and it was not until after luncheon that I discovered that it was all now arranged for Maria to go to the Peninsula with her beau shortly after the wedding. She says that she could not stand the separation and indeed sees no reason for it - other wives manage it and so why not she? It was very strange seeing Maria, who after all is normally so shy and retiring, being so very assertive. Sir William blustered a bit even now that their departure was only a few short weeks away, but Maria would not allow it to be any other way. She was going and that was that. Her officer would see that she was safe. I do not seek to give the impression that Maria was self-centred in anyway for she did not talk exclusively about herself all of the time, and remembered to ask after London. She even enquired after my friends that I had mentioned in my letters to her, but with the new perspicacity that being in love brings she saw that I was heartsore, and with the maturity that the onset of marriage had brought her tactfully refrained from mentioning it. She did offer for me to join her for a visit to the Peninsula, and although it should have been easy to dismiss this, for some reason it did not seem such a light-hearted and impractical suggestion as all of that, but William's jibe about running away to America came back to me and I suppressed temptation. Maria reminded me that the recaptured cities were civilised enough after all, and as we would always stay with part of the regiment there would be men enough with allegiance or friendship to Maria's husband to ensure that we were looked after, and there were exchanges of men often enough that I need not worry about coming home unattended. Although I declined, Maria saw that I was tempted and I was told to think about it and that I could stay for as long as I liked.

The next two weeks were filled with the same old same old. The highlight of the first se'ennight was the rain. It should not have rained so very hard and so very long as it was the middle of summer, but the weather seemed oblivious to this rule and the rain continued. As it was we could hardly get out of the house without being caught in a downpour, even a trip to Netherfield seemed a trek. I was so bored at times that I began to think very seriously about Maria's offer, and even borrowed a book from Papa's library about the Moorish conquest of Spain. I got perhaps as far as page five when I gave up. It was awful, and fully half of it in Latin! To pass the hours and make it useful, I spent an inordinate amount of time studying the map and daydreaming.

My next week was uneventful in the most part, but all of that was to change on the Friday with the arrival of the London periodicals. As soon as I could decently manage it I 'borrowed' Mr. Calder's satirical page from Papa, and after running up to my room and throwing myself on my bed quickly devoured it for news of the Ton. The subject of the whole of his column was closer to me than I could have imagined and cut me to the quick.

Apparently Thorn had had 'some words' with Mrs. Hampton. I do not think I remembered to breathe as I first skim read and then slowly considered Mr. Calder's comments:

'News of the altercation which graced the Private Withdrawing Room at Lady Chasterleigh's Ball has spread around London like wildfire. Surely there can be no Butcher, Baker, or MantuaMaker in the City who is unaware of The Event? But, to the dismay of All, although it is generally agreed that Mrs. Hampton left in tears, no confirmation had yet been made over what exactly was said. Is it Your hope to discover more on reading this humble account?

Your Humble Servant calmly mocks the assertions which have raced with equal speed around London and claim that No one could possibly know All. Fear not, Faithful Reader, for there is not a thing in all of London which it is not this Author's honour to be privilege to, and although it is not this Columns' design to stoop to gossipmongering, a Notable Exception will be made.

And so those of us fortunate enough to be party to some of what was said at Lady Chasterleigh's Ball cannot but doubt that after a brief foray into dissolution another great bastion of English Bachelordom is surely about to fall and join the ranks of the Respectable Married Men. This is surely unsurprising as even those blessed with perspicacity less than that of this Humble Author must have been eagerly awaiting the Announcement and Event of the Season for many weeks now. It is sadly unfortunate for our Poor Hero that the Lady involved, whilst quick enough in other areas, shows a decided lack of perspicacity in this matter. However, Lord Thornfield's similarity to Cerebrus as he stood guard over his LadyLove is one which this Author intends to treasure as He now lays down His acid pen towards this Noble Peer and instead nobly wishes him Conjugal Bliss.

But one final word will be said: as Lord Thornfield is sadly cursed with good looks, a title, lands a plenty and this particular Lady's heart, Your Generous Author urges all Decent Folk of London to join Him in His sympathy for our Poor Afflicted Hero.'

I read it once more, then carefully folded the article up and put it away at the bottom of my deepest drawer.

I then curled up at the window and stared unseeingly at the garden and white clouds.

The message in the article was clear to me - Lily was getting a divorce - that would be the announcement Mr. Calder spoke of. And the event? Surely Westminster Abbey would be the place that the Earl of Thrapsten would marry his childhood sweetheart, maybe that is what the altercation was about - perhaps Lily wished to be married in privacy. I smiled as I imagined Thorn's reaction to such a hole-in-the-corner suggestion. Although after Lily's continued assurances that they were just friends Thorn's declaration must have come as something of a surprise to her.

My head began to hurt and my eyes sting.

On one thought I dwelled more than others: William was wrong, Thorn does not love me at all.

I would not cry.

I also could not believe that Mr. Calder had betrayed me thus by painting it all so vividly in print, and yet perhaps it was meant as a kindness, a warning of what was to come so that should I return to Town I could do so with my head held high, with no awkward silences, no ugly surprises.

It was then that I made up my mind and decided not to go to Spain. If I were to do so I could avoid seeing Thorn for two, perhaps three years. But what would time gain me? I would still love him at the end of it, I know that. All that would happen is that I would have to face him married with a wife and possibly children. No, it would be best to get the awkwardness over with quickly. To return to London after Maria's Wedding would be asking too much of me, but next Season I would go. I would go and wear my coat with pride and I would amaze them all once more.

That evening I was forced to be sociable as Aunt and Uncle Phillips came round. Throughout the whole of dinner and even after Mama gabbled on about marriage as if it were the only topic worth mentioning. True, this was her normal topic of conversation, but I had never been the sole subject before and I wondered how Jane and Lizzy had borne it for so long. You see Mama had been very disappointed with me when I had returned from London for Maria's wedding unengaged, she saw quite rightly that I need not have return for fully another three weeks and was thus losing valuable time by rusticating at home. What was the good in being fashionable if I was not marriageable, she would say time and again. Mama's forced incarceration due to the rain had given her yet more time to dwell on it and she quizzed me in detail on who I met and where I went until I was heartily sick of the whole business. This was all made immeasurably worse by my Cousin in Meryton becoming engaged on a trip to an old Aunt on her paternal side. She is due to marry next year, and the poor man, sorry prospective husband is, according to Aunt Phillips, Third in line for a baronacy. This was said again in the withdrawing room with great significance and Mama nodded her head rapt with interest although it was no news to her. I was huffing in the corner still from my cross-questioning and smarting from my news and so I rose to the bait and asked as to why this was important. Aunt Phillips leaned over and shared her news.

'Well Kitty dear, you know me, I do not like to tempt fate but the current Baron is very old, and his son is unmarried although he is above forty! The second son is married with four children, but every one of them girls! And so you see, my dear, that with just a bit of luck, when the old Baron should pass away, my dear Amanda shall...'

Here she trailed off suggestively. Mama sniffed her hanky and nodded in understanding.

'It would be terrible Sister.'

'Oh yes, one would never wish for it, to be sure. But should it happen...' Mama nodded in agreement.

'A silver lining, Sister.'

'Truly, Sister.' And then Mama started once more with a doleful sniff and a mournful look.

'At least you have the satisfaction of seeing your daughters well placed, Sister, it must be a great comfort to you.'

'Why yes, but Dear Jane and Dear Lizzy...'

'Oh yes, sister, Mrs. Bingley and Mrs. Darcy are good girls and have made me ever so proud, and I do wish that my poor Lydia would write more often to her dear Mama.' She would not if she knew the content of her letters! Uncharitable as it may sound, I sincerely wished never to hear from her again. 'But to still have two daughter's unmarried...It is very hard, Sister.' Aunt Philips then, trying to help I think, turned to me.

'But, Kitty dear, did you not meet any nice men in Town?'

I had ignored them for as long as I could, honestly. But then they broke the rules and brought up the militia. Had I not always loved soldiers? Were there none that I knew who I liked? The particular straw that broke this camel's back was the phrase - 'well look at Lydia, she married an officer!'

At this point I pulled out my coup de grace and threatened them with going with Maria to Spain. I assured them that I had been invited, that Maria had a great desire for my company and that I had a great desire to see Lisbon. I repeatedly assured them of my sincerity, at that time wholly meant as a means of escape from this obscure form of torture. I saw Papa glance across at me with speculation, but did not wish to be the subject of his wit just then and so I did not meet his eyes. After several minutes of this I managed to silence Mama, and after saying that she would miss me, but that in truth it would be a great opportunity and on reflection I had her blessing, she then moved onto wedding clothes: Maria's. She hoped that she would not wear ivory, for it would never do for her complexion. It was fully ten minutes later when Papa rose. First he took his leave of Aunt and Uncle Phillips. Then it was my turn.

'Kitty?' Although I was feeling decidedly anti-social, it would have been rude to ignore him.

'Yes Papa?'

'I believe that Lisbon is in Portugal.' And so with the final comment he kissed me on the forehead and went to write his letters. I retired with the headache not long after this, but sleep seemed determined to elude me.

Continued In Next Section