Beginning, Previous Section, Section III, Next Section
Chapter 25 Posted on Wednesday, 15 December 1999
Authors' note: We would like to apologize for the delay in posting. I had to study for finals and Tabbi was working quite a bit, leaving us no free time. If we have given offense, we hereby beg leave to apologize. (Tabbi looks at Col) "Ha you sound just like Mr. Collins!" (Col looks confused) "What are you talking about? I didn't say anything!" We are sure that our noble readers will forgive us for the unfortunate delay... (Both women look around) "Who is saying that?" (Tabbi's eyes widen in horror) "It's MR. COLLINS!" (Tabbi and Col run off the stage, screaming in disgust) (A slimy Collins walks on to the stage) As a clergyman, I feel it is my humble duty to beg your pardon for the authors' laxity. I believe that writing itself is a harmless form of entertainment, especially for a clergyman such as myself and if I had the time... (Col and Tabbi sneak up behind Collins and dump a tub of extra strength detergent on him) AAAAHHHHH!! I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! (Collins melts into a puddle of goo) (Col and Tabbi look on in satisfaction) (They look out into the audience and find their dear readers asleep) (Col groans) "Now what do we do?" (Tabbi grins) "I have an idea! LOOK EVERYONE! IT'S DARCY IN A WET SHIRT!" (The female Dwiggies awake and run drooling out of the theater) (Col chuckles) "Well that takes care of the women! What about the men? Ah ha! I know! HEY ISN'T THAT ELIZABETH WALKING IN THE RAIN? SHE'S SOAKING WET!" (The male Dwiggies stampede outside) (Col and Tabbi congratulate each other upon their brilliance) (Minutes later, a howling and angry mob surrounds them) "Where is Darcy? Where is Elizabeth? You lied! We want them in wet clothing, NOW!" (The authors tremble in their boots) (Col thinks quickly) "They'll be in the story! I promise! Just calm down and read the next chapter!" (The mob settles into their seats, glowering at the Col and Tabbi) (Tabbi whispers in Col's ear) "Let's get to the next chapter and quick!" (Col nods in agreement and begins reading)
Georgiana, Bingley, and Darcy were gathered in the breakfast parlor the next morning. They only waited for Miss Bingley's entrance to begin eating. The minutes ticked by and Darcy paced the room. He was anxious to ride to Lambton as soon as possible and silently berated himself for inviting Caroline to Pemberley. She always picked the wrong time to irritate him and today was no exception. The door opened after several minutes but it was the Ashtons who were shown in.
"A good morning to you all!" cried James. He noticed that they had yet to breakfast. "I hope we did not come to early?
Darcy smiled. "Of course not! We only wait for Miss Bingley. Would you three care to join us?"
The three siblings shook their heads. "Thank you," said Belle, "but we have already eaten."
The door opened again and this time Caroline walked into the room. All motion ceased as everyone noted her appearance. There was nothing extraordinary about her clothing. She wore her usual bright orange hue and wore as many feathers in her hair as she could, without looking like a turkey. What caught everyone's attention were the two black eyes she was sporting. Miss Raccoon Bingley mustered what dignity she could and stalked to her seat.
"You're appearance is very becoming this morning, Miss Bingley," said Belle, smiling sweetly. "Is that the latest fashion?"
Caroline glared at her. She opened her mouth to say something incredibly devastating but her mind went blank as she stared at the smirking sisters. Caroline's appearance now became more interesting. The red shade of her skin clashed horribly with the orange dress, purple bruises, and the hairstyle that looked like the back end of a turkey. Unable to tolerate the situation anymore, she stood and declared, "Excuse me, I find that I am not at all hungry." Thus saying, she stormed out of the room. Mrs. Hurst followed her, glaring at the smirking Belle and Leigh.
The room was silent for several moments before Darcy cleared his throat and said, "What happened to Miss Bingley? Did she have an accident?" The rest of the party was silent but all heads turned towards the Ashton sisters. Darcy raised an eyebrow. "Oh. I see."
Leigh felt the need to defend her actions. "Well she started it! She slapped me!"
Belle nodded and then added, "Yes, that's right. Then that's when the accident happened!"
"Accident?" asked a confused Darcy.
"Yes, Miss Bingley's face accidentally hit Leigh's fist then accidentally hit mine!"
Darcy stared the girls, his face turning red. Everyone held his or her breath for the explosion that would surely follow. Tension filled the room, which is why all jumped when Darcy burst into laughter. He clutched his stomach and tears streamed down his face. After a few shocked moments, the rest of the party slowly joined in. Darcy tried to collect himself and said, "I'm sorry Bingley. I shouldn't be laughing but... but..." and he burst into laughter again.
"That's quite all right man" Bingley chuckled. "I laughed myself to sleep last night!"
"James... you really ought to... do something... with those s-s-sisters of yours!" Darcy said as he gasped for breath.
James grinned, "Actually, I was thinking of getting medals made for them. Something along the lines of rendering their country an invaluable service!"
The merriment continued all through breakfast, the sound carrying all through the house. Caroline sulked in her room for the rest of the morning, mortified at being the object of ridicule.
Right after breakfast, Darcy disappeared into his room and then reappeared fifteen minutes later wearing his best clothes. He rushed out the door, mumbling excuses to everyone by saying that he had urgent business that needed his attention in Lambton. Belle and Leigh guessed what his "business" must be and resolved upon following him.
Belle and Leigh tailed Darcy at a discrete distance on horseback. They were careful not to make any noise that would announce their presence to him, but such caution was unnecessary. Darcy was oblivious to his surroundings and almost collided with a farmer's cart, such was his inattention. (A member of the angry mob stands up and asks, "Is this where Darcy will get wet?" Another stands and demands, "Yeah and what about Elizabeth?" Col looks at Tabbi nervously and says, "Not yet, dear readers, not yet. Have patience." The mob shifts a little in their seats and the authors do not fail to notice the ropes, torches and pitchforks among the crowd.) Upon their arrival at Lambton, the girls left their horses at a stable and then watched Darcy enter the inn. They ducked into a shop across the street to have a good view of the door.
"When do you think we should go in?" asked Leigh.
"Hmmmmmmmm... Let's give them about twenty minutes and then we'll surprise them. Just think, we'll be the first ones to congratulate them and welcome Elizabeth into the family!"
Leigh grinned wickedly and said, "Yes but I can't wait to see the look on Caroline's face when she finds out Darcy is engaged!" She began to giggle. "I can just picture it now."
Both sisters were so involved in laughing at poor Miss Bingley that they missed the servant running from the inn towards the church. Darcy's appearance a few minutes later did catch their attention. He was obviously was upset about something and practically ran back to where he stabled his horse. The sisters looked at each other, perplexed.
"What happened?" Belle asked. "You don't think she refused him again, do you?"
Leigh shook her head. "I don't know! Why would she?" The Gardiners hurrying into the inn caught her attention. "I think something else happened. Let's go find out."
The sisters ran across the street, through the door of the inn, and stormed up the stairs towards the Gardiners' rooms. A commotion could be heard behind the closed door and when Belle knocked, a flushed Elizabeth answered. In her apparent agitation, she was unable to utter a greeting to her friends. Belle and Leigh were so shocked at their friend's appearance that they immediately hugged her and began to inquire as to what was wrong.
Elizabeth burst into tears. "I have just received some terrible news from Longbourn. My sister, Lydia has eloped!" The sisters were shocked. Who had that stupid girl run off with? They had taken care of Wickham, so who was it? Elizabeth immediately answered their private musings with, "She ran off with Lieutenant Sanderson! They were traced to Gretna Green, where they were married, but are now in hiding. It is thought that Sanderson is afraid to show himself because he will be charged with desertion."
"Oh Elizabeth! We are so sorry to hear this!" Belle exclaimed. "What is being done?"
"My father is trying to find them before the militia does. If he can prevail upon Lieutenant Sanderson to come out of hiding and turn himself in, it might go better for him. We believe they are in London and my aunt, uncle and I are all returning home to help."
"We are sorry to see you go, Elizabeth." Leigh said gently. "Will you write to us and let us know what happens? We shall be anxious to know that everything turns out all right. And it will, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth nodded and said, "Thank you and I will write. I enjoyed my time with you here immensely."
Both girls hugged her one more time before saying their good-byes. Belle turned before walking out the door. "We just want you to know that you will always have our friendship, no matter what happens. You will be in our thoughts." Elizabeth smiled and the sisters left her to finish packing.
The girls rode back to Pemberley in silent contemplation. Obviously, they had failed Darcy and Elizabeth. They had hoped that by getting rid of Mr. Wickham, things could have been resolved much earlier and everyone would have been much happier. They wondered where they had gone wrong. It wasn't long until their feelings of guilt turned into anger.
Leigh reigned in her horse and dismounted. She picked up a stone and threw it at a nearby bush. "STUPID GIRL! ARGH! WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS HAVE TO WRECK EVERYTHING!" she screamed.
Having dismounted, Belle walked up next to her sister and joined in the tantrum. She picked up a stick and started hacking at an unoffending sapling. "I KNOW! IF I COULD JUST GET MY HANDS ON HER SCRAWNY LITTLE NECK, WHY I'D..." She kicked a boulder next to her. "OW OW OW OW! NOW LOOK WHAT SHE MADE ME DO!" Bell jumped around for several minutes, holding her foot in pain.
The sisters ranted, raved, and screamed for the next hour. They managed to scare off all the wildlife with in their vicinity and even succeeded in terrifying a couple of farmers. Their horses had long run off, so when the sisters regained their composure, they were forced to walk the rest of the way back to Pemberley. They arrived in late afternoon and were not surprised to learn that Darcy would be traveling to London the very next day.
(A female Dwiggie stands up) "That's it? What about Darcy?" (Several shout of agreement are heard from the mob) (Tabbi looks at Col in horror) "Uh oh! We forgot the wet Darcy and Elizabeth! What do we do now?" (Col swallows nervously and stares the advancing mob) "Ummmmmm... RUN!" (The noble authors run for their lives with a howling mob in pursuit) Will they survive? Stay tuned...
Chapter 26 Posted on Friday, 17 December 1999
Authors' note: Before we begin Tabbi and I would like to thank everyone for their wonderful responses. It's great to be back!Col and Tabbi run down a dark street, the angry shouts of the mob echo through the area. They stop to catch their breath for a moment. "They're still after us!" Col pants. "You and your bright ideas!" Tabbi looks offended. "Me! What about you? The mob wouldn't be so big if you hadn't gotten the men riled up!" Light from the torches can now be seen. "We'll argue about this later!" Tabbi says and both women take off running. They duck into an abandoned warehouse and barricade the door. Climbing up on some old crates, the noble authors peek out through the windows. The mob has reached the building and is pounding on the door. "COME ON OUT! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Col peers through the darkness and gasps. "Tabbi, look! I think they've made effigies of us!" Tabbi looks and says, "Uh oh... They just set them on fire. I think we're in huge trouble now." Col nods. "How are we going to get out of here?" Tabbi thinks for a moment then grins. "I've got it! Ok read the next chapter to them while I fix something up." Col pulls the next chapter out of her pocket and starts to read aloud.
The next week at the Pemberley and Lockwood households was horrible. Caroline was in a foul mood because of Darcy's sudden departure and took it out on everybody. Belle and Leigh ignored her and her snide comments about Elizabeth as best as they could. Tempers flared, and more often than not, did the evening party spend its time in silence. Relief finally came at the end of the week when the sisters received a letter from Elizabeth. Her father had gone to London but was convinced to return to Longbourn by Mr. Gardiner. Her uncle carried on the search alone. The errant couple had been found but now Sanderson was in serious trouble. There was talk of penal colonies in Australia.
Belle folded the letter up and sighed. "Poor Elizabeth. To be cursed with such a sister!"
Leigh nodded. "I know! Everything was going so well and then... ARGH! It still makes my blood boil just to think about it. Hopefully Darcy can fix it so things get back on track soon!"
After another week on frenzied letter writing, Elizabeth finally had good tidings.
My dearest friends,Good news at last! It seems my Uncle Gardiner has somehow been able to save Sanderson from the penal colony. He is to give up his commission in the ____shire Militia and go up north to the regulars, where another one has been purchased for him. We do not know how my uncle has managed it but we are eternally grateful to him. Lydia and her husband are to come to us for a short visit before journeying to Newcastle.
My father just walked in and asked to whom I was writing. I mentioned your names and he expressed a desire to meet "the two young ladies who have made such an impression upon my Lizzy." I hope you did not forget the invitation for you to visit my family and I last spring. Indeed I quite depend upon it, as does Jane. She sends her best regards to you both. Please write soon so we can settle this as soon as possible.
Yours etc.,
After finishing the letter, both girls raced into the library to reply. Heedless of their surroundings, the sisters crashed into Darcy in their haste.
"Cousin!" Leigh exclaimed. "When did you get back?"
Darcy shook himself out of a daze and replied, "Just now. Where are you ladies off to in such a hurry?"
Belle grinned mischievously and said, "The library! We just received an invitation to Longbourn from Elizabeth and we mean to accept it."
Darcy's face turned dreamy at the mention of his ladylove. "Elizabeth," he sighed. The sound of Belle and Leigh's giggles brought him out of la-la land. He blushed a charming shade of red and quickly excused himself. The girls continued onto the library, where they happily replied to Elizabeth's letter and sent it out with the next post.
The evening parties were merry again. Caroline was ecstatic at having Darcy back in her clutches again. She was convinced that only a little more time was needed before she would become the mistress of Pemberley. Belle and Leigh were to leave for Hertfordshire in a week and the prospect of seeing Elizabeth and Jane again put them into their usual silly mood. They were at their worst on the day before their departure. The day began with the girls rushing about Lockwood finishing up preparations for their trip on the morrow. As they finished quite early, they rode over to Pemberley with James.
The Ashtons were shown into the drawing room, where Miss Bingley was busy trying to extract information out of Darcy. Somehow she had convinced herself that his business in London was for her and she was dropping not so subtle hints about rings. Belle and Leigh laughed at her for a time but finally grew sick of her. Eager to escape, the sisters ran to the billiard room and each grabbed a billiard stick and started fencing. Their shrieks and screams echoed through the house. When they tired of that, they galloped through the hallways, using the sticks as their horses.
"Giddy-up!" Belle shouted. "Ride 'em cowboy!"
Leigh shrieked, "YEEEEHAAAAW!"
After receiving several reports from terrified servants, the master of Pemberley decided to investigate. He found the sisters in the foyer, racing around in circles. Their noise level was high enough not hear his approach, therefore what happened next amounted to a small disaster.
"Ladies!" Darcy said trying to catch their attention. They still had not noticed him so he tried again. "LADIES!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the girls shrieked. They spun around in surprise. Unfortunately Darcy was standing too close to Leigh, for when she whirled to face him, her "horse" whipped around also and whacked the poor man in the groin.
"Eeeep!" was all that Darcy could squeak out before collapsing on the floor. He was breathless from shock and the excruciating pain. The Ashtons stared at his inert form for several stunned moments.
"I think you killed him!" Belle said with wide eyes.
Leigh couldn't take her eyes off of Darcy. "No I didn't... Did I?"
The sisters looked at each other in horror. They threw their sticks to the floor, turned and ran out of the house. "I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED HIM!" they shrieked, slamming the door shut behind them.
Bingley heard the terrified screaming and walked out to see what had happened. He didn't get very far before he stumbled upon his friend. Darcy was curled in a fetal position, sweating and shaking, with two billiard sticks a few feet away.
"Good God Darcy! Are you all right? What happened?" Bingley helped the other gentleman to his feet.
Darcy's face blanched when he saw the billiard sticks. "Trust me Bingley, you don't want to know."
Later that afternoon, Belle and Leigh inquired as to Darcy's whereabouts. After being informed that he was in the library, they went and knocked on the door timidly and walked in.
"Cousin?" said Belle. "We would like to speak with you."
Darcy paled noticeably, but nodded and said, "Of course. Please be seated." When the girls were comfortable, he said, "Now what is it that you wished to speak to me about?"
Leigh shifted in her seat before saying, "I'd like to apologize about... about what happened earlier. It was an accident. If I had known you were there, I would have been more careful. I hope I haven't caused any... errr... permanent damage?"
Darcy smiled slightly and replied, "Of course not. I am completely recovered. Apology accepted." Leigh looked much relieved at this.
Belle spoke up after a few moments of silence. "Leigh and I would also like to say that we think it's a wonderful thing that you did for Elizabeth and Lydia."
Darcy stared at them in shock. "How did you know?"
Belle smiled slightly and said, "We followed you on the day you went to Lambton." Darcy blushed and she continued. "We were hoping to be the first ones able to congratulate you both and welcome Elizabeth into the family. But we saw you come out, looking very upset, so Leigh and I decided to see what was wrong. Elizabeth told us about Lydia and has kept us informed ever since. She thinks her uncle is the one who found the Sandersons but we know better. Why else would you go to London so suddenly? How did you do it, Fitzwilliam?"
Darcy sighed and said, "It took time and money, but I finally found them. Sanderson isn't that bright so it wasn't too difficult and Colonel Fitzwilliam knew certain people who would get the poor man out of trouble."
Both sisters stood up and walked over to him. Each kissed him on the cheek and Belle said, "You're not such a horrible man after all!"
"Thank you, I think," Darcy said dubiously. The girls turned to leave but Darcy bade them to stay one more moment. "I take it from your earlier comments that Elizabeth would be a welcome addition to the family. You will support me then, against Lady Catherine?"
Leigh grinned. "Of course, we'll help you slay the evil dragon. But while you're thinking of yourself and Elizabeth, don't forget about Mr. Bingley and Jane!" The sisters ran out of the room before Darcy could reproach them about their lack of respect towards Lady Catherine.
When the ladies retired to the drawing room after dinner, Miss Bingley monopolized the entire conversation. It was fill with anecdotes about her various acquaintance, the set downs she had given people, and her admirers. The conversation varied little when the gentlemen joined them. Bored to tears, Belle and Leigh decided to play a game. They took two sheets of paper, a length of cloth, two pins and retreated to one end of the room. Belle drew a donkey on one piece of paper while Leigh cut out a tail from the other piece. They pinned the donkey (affectionately named Caroline) to the wall and stuck the other pin through the tail.
"Ok," Leigh said to Belle, "You can go first." She blindfolded her sister and handed her the tail. Leigh spun her around in circles.
"Not so fast!" Belle yelped. "I'm getting dizzy!"
"That's the idea, moron!"
Leigh finally stopped and pushed Belle forward. Belle walked around the room, arms held out wide, trying to find the donkey. She touched what she thought was paper and then aimed the tail to where she thought the proper place was.
"YEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUCH!"
Belle lifted up her blindfold to she what she had stuck with the pin. Darcy stood in front of her, eyes blazing, and rubbing his sore bum. Her eyes widened in horror as the realization of her actions dawned on her.
"Ummmmmmmm.... EEEEK!" Belle shrieked. She dropped the blindfold back over her eyes and tried to run out of the room. She crashed into a table and the wall twice before stumbling out the door. Leigh rolled on the floor with helpless laughter. It was several minutes before she was composed enough to walk out of the drawing room to find Belle. Much to Darcy's relief, James decided it was time for he and his sister to return home.
Col finishes reading and the mob is silent for a moment. Someone shouts, "WHERE'S THE WET DARCY AND ELIZABETH? I SAY LET'S GET 'EM!" They begin to pound on the door again. Col climbs down from the window and shouts at Tabbi, "Are you finished yet? They're about to come through the door!" Tabbi walks over with a canvas-covered object in her arms and a smirk on her face. Col looks at Tabbi incredulously. "That's it? What is it?" She tries to peek under the cloth but Tabbi shouts a warning. "NO! DON'T DO THAT!" Col looks startled and Tabbi says, "Believe me, you don't want to see it." The door begins to give way, so Tabbi sets down the object and uncovers it while carefully averting her eyes. Both girls run out a secret exit just as the mob breaks through the door. Screaming in horror, the entire mob falls faint. The cause of this-cardboard cutout of Mr. Collins dressed only in a Speedo.
Chapter 27 Posted on Sunday, 19 December 1999
The next morning a carriage took Belle and Leigh out of Derbyshire, to the relief all those concerned about Darcy's safety. James accompanied them, as he had business in London. For most of the journey, the sisters quietly worked on their sewing, pausing only to watch the country pass by. As they neared Hertfordshire, the girls grew more restless.
"Gods above!" Leigh exclaimed, "That's the third needle I lost today! Belle, can I borrow a needle from you?"
Belle looked up from her work and smirked. "I don't know, can you?"
Leigh glared at her sister, "Don't be a smarta**! Well?" Belle stared at her until she sighed with exasperation and said, "May I borrow a needle... mother?"
"No."
"What? Why not? What do you mean 'no'?"
"What are you deaf? I'll say it slowly then, NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!"
James looked from Leigh to Belle warily but wisely kept silent.
"Gods! You're so selfish!"
"Am not! I'd lend you one, but you'd only lose it!"
"Would not! Besides that's just selfish reasoning!"
"Fine I'm selfish!" Belle began to sing, "ONLY ME CAN MAKE THIS WORLD SEEM BRIGHT! ONLY ME CAN MAKE THE DARKNESS LIGHT! ONLY ME AND ME ALONE CA-A-AAAN THRILL ME LIKE I DO! I'M MY DREAM COME TRUE, MY ONE AND ONLY MEEEE!" She stuck her tongue out at Leigh. "See! I'm selfish! Happy now!"
"NO! JUST GIVE ME THE STUPID NEEDLE!"
The girls start fighting over Belle's workbox until James intervened. Know that words were useless, he joined in the fray and forcibly separated the yowling cats. His sisters glowered at him until he said, "If you two keep acting like this, we'll just go straight through to London. I am not leaving you at Longbourn if such is your behavior."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the girls shrieked. They immediately apologized to one another and acted like angels for the rest of the journey. But as our dear Readers know, it was only an act.
The entire Bennet family waited out front as the Astons' carriage pulled up to the door. Belle and Leigh greeted the two eldest Miss Bennets warmly. The sisters introduced their brother, whom Mrs. Bennet appraised with a predatory eye. After much confusion and shrill screeching on Mrs. Bennet's part, the sisters were finally settled in Longbourn. James stayed for tea before traveling on to London. Tired from traveling, the girls retired early for the night, leaving the family in the drawing room.
As soon as the door shut behind them, Mrs. Bennet started congratulating Jane and Elizabeth. "Oh my dearest Jane and Lizzy! I always knew you were so clever! Imagine becoming acquainted with such elegant women as the Miss Astons! I can see it all now! Invitations to Lockwood and London! The balls you will attend! This will surely throw you into the path of rich men!"
"Mama, please!" Elizabeth exclaimed.
Mr. Bennet rolled his eyes and escaped to the library. Mrs. Bennet went on, "And their brother! Such a handsome, genteel man! Eight thousand a year! One of you must try to catch his eye!"
Elizabeth, disgusted beyond belief, excused herself and retired for the night. As she readied herself for bed, someone knocked on her door and Jane entered.
"I hoped I would find you still awake. Is there something wrong, Lizzy?"
Elizabeth flopped on her bed and sighed in frustration. "I cannot believe that Mama thinks that we befriended Belle and Leigh just use them to get husbands!"
Jane smiled and said, "Does it matter what she believes? As long as Belle and Leigh do not think so, what harm can it do?"
"I suppose you're right," Elizabeth sighed. "It just pains me to see Mama act in such a manner."
"Yes but the sisters will not hold it against us, I am sure. They were very civil to her the last time they were here."
Elizabeth smiled and hugged her sister. "Yes, I had forgotten. You are such a comfort, Jane. I don't know what I'd do without you!"
They talked for a while longer before finally going to sleep.
If having the Astons as guests made Mrs. Bennet sillier than usual, the next day would provide her with an opportunity to take complete leave of her senses. Everyone was at breakfast and Mrs. Bennet had just excused herself to speak with Mrs. Hill. Several minutes later, a shriek rang through the house. Everyone in the parlor just had time to wonder what happened, when Mrs. Bennet burst into the room.
"Mr. Bingley is to return to Netherfield! He is to be here in two days for some shooting! Mr. Bennet you must call upon him as soon as he comes!"
Mindful of his guests, Mr. Bennet led his wife out of the room and firmly refused to wait upon the man. After some more wrangling, Mrs. Bennet resolved to invite him to dinner. After happily settling everything in her mind, she spent the next two days hinting at and pestering Jane. Belle and Leigh took pity on her and Elizabeth and tried to save them from their mother by asking to be shown the countryside. The four women spent as much time as possible out of doors.
"I don't know how much more I can take of this!" said Leigh to Belle on the second day.
Belle grimaced and said, "I know but I think we have to wait three more days until Bingley and Darcy come to visit. Didn't the book say it was another three days before he comes to Longbourn?"
"Three more days! Belle I don't know if I can take any more! I'll go insane!"
Belle's eyes lit up with hope. "Wait a minute! If Darcy is with Bingley, then they'll have to come sooner! He can't ignore his relatives after all... Even if he wants to!"
Tabbi looks up at the mob. Knowing they still aren't satisfied, she yells out to Col, "Well! I hope you came up with something good!" Col walks up with a sheepish look on her face. "Ummmm... I couldn't think of anything... Total brain fart you see..." They turn at the sound of shattering glass. A metallic object hits the floor and explodes. Gas fills the room, blinding and choking the authors. The air clears slightly and a dark figure walks towards them. Peering through the gas, Col and Tabbi gasp in horror. Mr. Collins dressed in Spandex shorts and a tank top stands in front of them. "Oh my darling loves," he drools, "I have been waiting for you so long. These wonderful people outside have told me of your great admiration for my body! Come to Papa!" The terrified and disgusted authors scream shrilly and run for their sanity. "I know you are just playing hard to get, like any true lady!" Mr. Collins calls after them, before giving chase.
Chapter 28
Posted on Tuesday, 21 December 1999
Inside the theater, shouts and laughter can be heard. The mob of Dwiggies is upon the stage, surround the Spandex clad Mr. Collins. All are looking up at the ceiling. The noble authors are hanging from the rafters, cowering in fear. Mr. Collins is climbing a rope to reach his ladyloves. "Fear not my darlings!" he proclaims, "I shall save you from these treacherous heights!" Tabbi and Col scream and climb higher into the rafters. "What do you want?" Col shouts down to the mob. "You know exactly what we want!" someone shouts. They begin to chant, "Darcy! Elizabeth! Wet! Wet! Yeah!" Tabbi glares at Col. "This is all your fault! Why couldn't you think of anything to get us out of this?" Col shrugs and says, "Because I was too terrified to think!" Tabbi looks down, "Well we better do something quick! Collins is getting closer!" Col thinks for a second and then calls down to the mob, "HEY! YOU WANNA CALL THAT THING OFF? I NEED TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER TO FIND OUT IF IT'S GOT WHAT YOU WANT!" The mob is quiet for a minute before someone replies, "OK! WE'LL PUT A STOP TO HIM FOR NOW! THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD!" Col and Tabbi sigh with relief. They were safe for the moment.
True to Belle's prediction, Darcy and Bingley did indeed call upon the people of Longbourn the very day of their arrival. Mrs. Bennet treated Bingley with a disgusting amount of civility and all but ignored Darcy. Bingley seemed more taken with Jane than ever and Darcy just brooded silently. Noting Elizabeth's hurt and confused countenance, Belle and Leigh glared at Darcy. They correctly attributed their friend's pain as a result of the gentleman's behavior. Before the gentlemen left, Mrs. Bennet invited them to dine at Longbourn within a few days. This being accepted Bingley and Darcy departed, leaving Mrs. Bennet to all the happy schemes for one gentleman and the Ashtons irate at the other.
"What does he think he's doing?" Belle growled as she sat in Leigh's room later that night. "I mean what's he was waiting for-Elizabeth to rush into his arms and declare her undying love? For Pete's sake, it was written all over her face. One glance should have told him that! But nooooooooooooooooooo... he just stands there like a big ape!" She kicked a bedpost and howled in pain.
Leigh rolled her eyes. "Good going, moron!" Ignoring Belle's glare, she continued, "You know the story as well as I do! He's not going to propose for a couple of weeks yet. What's the hurry anyway?"
Belle flopped into a chair. "I don't know... I guess I'd just like to get this over with and get back home. I miss it and all the comforts of civilization! I miss my car, toilets, comfortable underwear, and electricity! I miss the freedom we had compared to this place!"
"I know what you mean," Leigh sighed. "But can we just pick up and leave? I mean, what about Mr. Caulder and Mr. Harmon? And Anne and Darcy and all the others? They're beginning to feel like family... It's more than we've ever had in our time..."
Belle was quiet for several moments before saying, "You're right, you know. James was all we really ever had... But that's not the whole of it." She looked up at Leigh. "What bothers me is are we able to go back?"
Mrs. Bennet's dinner party went off without a hitch, raising all her hopes that Jane would soon be married to Mr. Bingley. Darcy left for London a few days later, and Bingley called upon the ladies of Longbourn alone. Now our dear Readers know that the presence of Belle and Leigh should have hampered Mrs. Bennet's schemes to get her eldest daughter and Bingley alone, but the girls found a way to make themselves scarce. Leigh just "happened" to come down with a severe cold and was confined to her bed for several days. Belle played the concerned sister and rarely left her side. Thus with their absence and some not-so-subtle maneuvering on Mrs. Bennet's part were Bingley and Jane finally engaged.
The joy of the entire household can well be imagined. Mrs. Bennet was silly beyond belief and Jane positively glowed. The Ashtons noticed that though Elizabeth was happy for her sister, her spirits were still low. They fervently wished Darcy would return soon so all would be right in the world.
A week later, Belle and Leigh were walking about the grounds when the sound of a carriage caught their attention. Peering through a hedge, they recognized the carriage as Lady Catherine's. The noble dame herself descended and stormed inside the house.
"Uh oh," said Leigh, "The she-devil has finally decided to make her appearance!"
Belle groaned, "Why can't she just leave everyone alone!" A movement in the carriage caught her eye. "I wonder if Anne's with her?"
"Let's go find out!" Leigh grinned.
"No, hold on a second. Let's wait until Aunt Catherine and Elizabeth comes outside. When they walk into the copse, then we'll go."
The sisters didn't have to wait long as Lady Catherine lead the way out of the house swiftly with Elizabeth not far behind. Keeping low, the girls sneaked over to the carriage. Creeping up to the side, they peered in. Anne sat inside, patiently reading a book. Belle knocked on the glass, scaring the wits out of her cousin.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Anne shrieked. Her eyes widened as she saw the grinning sisters. "BELLE! LEIGH!" she yelled joyfully while jumping out of the carriage. The three women hugged and chatted excitedly for several minutes.
Belle finally brought up Lady Catherine. "We saw her walk off with Elizabeth. She didn't look too happy."
Anne grimaced and said, "Yes, I know. Apparently Mama has heard a rumor that Miss Bennet and Cousin Darcy were engaged. She means to put a stop to it. I tried to telling her that I don't want to marry Darcy but she won't listen!" She looked at her cousins with hope in her eyes. "Are they engaged?"
Leigh shook her head. "Not yet, but we have reason to believe it won't be long."
"Good!" Anne smiled in satisfaction. "Then Mother will have to stop pestering both of us."
"Has it been that bad?" Belle asked. When Anne nodded, she continued, "I'm so sorry Anne! Hmmmmmm... Maybe we can help. The main thing is to get you away from Rosings. You must come stay with us at Lockwood for a while!"
"I would like to, but how do I escape Mother?"
Belle thought for a moment. "Easy! When our cousin and Elizabeth marry, it'll throw your mother into an absolute rage. Knowing her, it'll be absolutely incapacitating. You can flee then and be in Derbyshire long before she recovers!"
Anne had just barely agreed to the scheme when two angry voices could be heard approaching. She scrambled back into the carriage as Elizabeth and Lady Catherine came in to view.
"You have no regard, then, for the honor and credit of my nephew! Unfeeling, selfish girl!" Lady Catherine screeched. "Do you not consider that a connection with you, must disgrace him in the eyes of everybody?"
Elizabeth's eyes flashed as she said, "Lady Catherine, I have nothing farther to say. You know my sentiments."
"You are resolved then to have him?"
"I have said no such thing. I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me."
"It is well. You refuse, then, to oblige me. You refuse to obey the claims of honor, duty, and gratitude. You are determined to ruin him in the opinions of all his friends, and make him the contempt of the world."
"Neither duty, nor honor, nor gratitude have any possible claim on me in the present instance," Elizabeth retorted as they reached the carriage. "No principle of either, would be violated by my marriage with Mr. Darcy. And with regard to the resentment of his family, or the indignation of the world, if the former were excited by his marrying me, it would not give me one moment's concern-and the world in general would have too much sense to join in the scorn."
"And this is your real opinion! This is your final resolve! Very well. I shall now know how to act. Do not imagine, Miss Bennet, that your ambition will ever be gratified. I came to try you. I hoped to find you reasonable; but depend upon it I will carry my point, " said Lady Catherine angrily. Looking away from Elizabeth, she noticed her nieces standing nearby. "Annabelle! Leigh! You will pack up your things immediately! You will not stay at this house one minute longer! I shall take you to your brother's house in London. I cannot imagine why James would let you come here in the first place. Such a family! But I shall see to it that you never come into contact with them again."
The sisters glared at her. Belle stood up straight and met her aunt's eye. "With all due respect ma'am, we will not leave."
"What?" Lady Catherine shrieked. "You will do as you are told!"
"No," Leigh stated, her eyes flashing.
"No? No!?"
"You heard her!" Belle said angrily. "You have no right to tell us what we can and can't do! Leigh and I are going to stay with our friends whether you like it or not!"
"No right! I am your aunt! I have every right in the world!" said Lady Catherine. "Friends!" she spat, "Can you not see that they are just using you to get close to Darcy! Do you realize the shame that would be brought on this family but a connection with her?"
Leigh looked at Elizabeth's pale face before replying, "What shame? What disgrace? Belle and I would be proud to call her cousin! The only disgrace in this family is you! How dare you meddle in something where you have absolutely no business!"
Lady Catherine looked at her nieces coldly. "I see that the Bennets have corrupted you! I insist that you return with me immediately, for you own good!"
"As we've said before, the answer is no!" Belle looked at her aunt contemptuously. "May I remind you that you are not our guardian. We are both of an age to decide for ourselves. James has no objection to our staying here. If he felt different, we would certainly leave, but he knows the Bennets are respectable acquaintances. I suggest that you leave before you make more of a spectacle of yourself than you already have."
Lady Catherine drew herself up in indignation and turned to Elizabeth. "This is all your influence, I am sure. You are determined to ruin the entire family! Very well then." She turned to climb into the carriage. Looking back, she said, "I take no leave of you, Miss Bennet. I send no compliments to your mother. You deserve no such attention." Her baleful eye fell upon Belle and Leigh. "I am most seriously displeased with your behavior. When James hears of this, you shall be made to leave this place, depend upon it! And until you come to your senses and apologize for your despicable conduct, you are no longer welcome at Rosings. From this moment on, I disown you both."
Both sisters stood regally and said as one, "Yes, well we fart on your grave!"
Collins begins climbing up towards the disgusted authors as the mob roars its displeasure. "I thought you said there would be something they like in it!" Tabbi yells at Col. Col scratches her head and says, "I thought there was... Maybe it was the next one!" She quickly scans through Chapter 29. "Shoot! It's not in here either! What are we going to do?" Tabbi eyes the drooling Collins. "Well can't you work it in somehow?" "Hmmmmmmmm..." Col replies, "I'm sure I can somehow." She yells down to the mob, "Tabbi and I just discussed this and we figured out a way to work in your demands in the next chapter! If you call off this greaseball, we'll come down and re-write it to your satisfaction!" The mob agrees to this and brings out the only thing to permanently stop Mr. Collins in his pursuit. "OH MR. COLLINS!" someone shouts at him, "LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE!" The toad looks down, pure delight covers his face. He rapidly descends the rope and gives chase to a bikini-clad Lady Catherine.
Chapter 29 Posted on Tuesday, 4 January 2000
Col and Tabbi look out at the eager audience. Col clears her throat and says, "Tabbi and I are proud to announce what you all have anxiously awaited!" A drum roll is heard. "Chapter 29-A Wet Elizabeth and Darcy!" A fanfare plays, only to die out like a yowling cat.
Belle and Leigh glared at their aunt's retreating carriage. The nerve of that woman! They turned to face Elizabeth and found her staring at them in complete shock. The sisters looked at each other, not comprehending their friend's surprise.
"Is something wrong, Elizabeth?" Leigh asked.
"I cannot believe you just spoke to your aunt like that!"
The sisters were silent for a moment until Belle said, "Right. We had better get everything into the open now." She looked and Leigh, who nodded her agreement. "Elizabeth, we dearly love our aunt, but you must admit she is insolent, rude, nosy, and just plain intolerable. I know it's improper to talk that way about her and to her but Leigh and I think she deserved it. She has tried to meddle in our lives long enough. We don't want her to hang over you and Cousin Darcy like a black cloud either."
Elizabeth blushed at the mention of the sister's cousin. "I... I..."
"I meant it when I said we would be proud to call you cousin," Leigh smiled. "Do you know when that will be?"
Their friend's face turned crimson as she replied, "I believe you presume too much! Your cousin has made no such offer to me."
Belle grinned, "Well if he hasn't yet, he will soon. He loves you my dear, so rest assured."
"Does he?" Elizabeth asked, unable to help herself. She looked down and said, "Even if that were so, what would he think of me after Lady Catherine speaks to him?"
Leigh snorted, "I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I think he'd be more displeased at our aunt's behavior."
"Quite right," Belle nodded. "But enough of this. It's over and done with. I suggest we enjoy the rest of the day and not let my aunt ruin it. Shall we go inside?"
The other two ladies agreed and all walked back to the house.
Darcy returned to Netherfield and was at Longbourn the very day after his arrival with his friend. Bingley proposed a walk, which Mrs. Bennet heartily seconded. A quarter of an hour later, Belle, Leigh, Bingley, Jane, Darcy, Elizabeth, and Kitty were in the open air. Jane and Bingley lagged behind before eventually disappearing. Little conversation took place with the rest of the party. Darcy fell quiet after informing his cousins that James and some friends were to come to Netherfield in a week. The Ashtons were busy scheming how to leave the two lovers alone and Kitty was too much in awe of Darcy to say much. They walked some distance before Kitty expressed a desire to call upon Maria Lucas and left the four to their own devices.
"Well that gets rid of her," Leigh whispered to Belle, "but how do we get away from them?"
Belle looked at the landscape ahead and noticed some bushes that lined the field. "What if we sneak away quietly and hide in those?" she whispered while pointing. Leigh nodded silently.
Taking advantage of the first opportunity, the sisters leaped over a ditch and dove into the brush. They made their way to the other side and peered through, watching their cousin and Elizabeth. At first the two seemed oblivious to their missing companions. It was only when Darcy turned back to watch a bird fly overhead, that he noticed his cousins had disappeared. Elizabeth stopped also and the sisters heard them call out their names. After waiting vainly for several minutes, the couple walked on. Belle and Leigh followed, carefully keeping the row of bushes between them and their prey. They had not gone very far before Elizabeth stopped and addressed Darcy.
Belle grabbed Leigh's arm excitedly, "Look! They're finally talking!"
Leigh jumped up and down, "Let me see! Let me see!"
They watched as Darcy spoke and Elizabeth grew more agitated. The lady blushed a bright shade of red when she spoke again. Her reply obviously pleased Darcy for his face positively glowed with heartfelt delight. They turned to walk again but with a new closeness. The sisters could practically see the sparks fly between the now acknowledged lovers.
Belle and Leigh screeched in delight. They hugged each excitedly after congratulating themselves on a job well done. Dancing around in circles, they did not notice that Elizabeth and Darcy had turned back to see what the commotion was all about. As the couple walked closer, they could see the top of two bonnets behind the bushes. Laughter issued from the said area.
Darcy smiled and shouted, "Would you ladies care to join us, or do you prefer to lurk behind a bush for the rest of the day?" The bonnets stopped moving and all was silence. Suddenly two piercing shrieks could be heard as Belle and Leigh raced from the bushes towards Darcy and Elizabeth. They sailed over the ditch and pounced on the couple with enthusiastic congratulations.
The gaiety was interrupted by the sound of a horse fast approaching. As the group was in the middle of the road, Belle and Leigh backed to one side even as Darcy and Elizabeth neared the edge of the other. A farm cart barreled down the center of the road. As it came upon them, the cart veered off in the direction of Elizabeth and Darcy, causing them to leap in the water-filled ditch for safety. Belle and Leigh caught a glimpse of the driver and passenger. If the Readers ever chance to meet the drivers of the cart and the noble authors of this story, they would be struck by the uncanny resemblance between the said parties.
Belle and Leigh ran across the road and stopped at the edge of the ditch. The girls took one look before collapsing into gales of laughter. Darcy was in a most undignified position. He had landed in a muddier area of the ditch and while in the process of standing up, had found his feet mired in the mud. Unable to keep his balance, he pitched forward and landed over Elizabeth with a splash. He threw his hands out to break the fall but as they only sunk in the mud, he was now trapped. It was thus that the Ashtons found the couple; Darcy with his rear end sticking up, wiggling as he fought vainly to free himself and Elizabeth pinned underneath.
The howls of laughter caught Darcy's attention and he glared at the two women. "I do not see how this is funny! Maybe you would be so kind as to help?"
Leigh feigned horror, "And ruin our dresses! How dare you suggest such a thing, sir!" She grinned impudently at her ummmmm... prostrate cousin.
Belle leaned over and whispered to Leigh, "Now I know how Twister was invented!" This set off another round of laughter. Finally Belle wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "I suppose we should help them out."
The sisters carefully made their way towards the lady and gentleman. They reached down and pulled Elizabeth out from under Darcy. When she found her balance, all three turned back to Darcy. The sight of him caused Elizabeth's mouth to twitch as she choked back a giggle. Belle and Leigh were more unsuccessful at repressing their humor, causing their friend to fail also. It was several moments before the ladies could attempt to help Darcy. Standing precariously on the bank, Belle and Leigh reached down to free his hands. A wicked gleam lighted Darcy's eye and before the sisters could scramble away, he pulled them into the ditch. They landed with a tremendous splash.
"Revenge at last!" Darcy cried triumphantly. He laughed at his scowling, bedraggled cousins. That is until a mud ball caught him full in the face. A glorious fight ensued, filled with shrieking, yelps and laughter. The mud stopped flying only because the four dirty people could not contain their mirth. After calming down, they moved to a cleaner area of water to wash off as best as they could. The four climbed up the side of the ditch to the road.
A cold breeze picked up, causing Elizabeth to shudder. Out of concern for his fiancée, he took off his greatcoat and helped her into it. Belle and Leigh looked at their cousin appreciatively.
"He doesn't look as good being wet in that suit," Leigh whispered to Belle.
Belle nodded as a slow grin crossed her face. "I think we can fix that!" she whispered back to her sister. Crossing her arms over her chest, she began to shiver. "I'm so co-ooooooooold!" Belle whined. "I declare I shall turn into an icicle any moment nooooooooow!" Darcy sighed, stripped off his jacket, and placed it around Belle's shoulders.
Leigh caught on and began to shudder with her teeth chattering. "Does everyone get to be warm but me!" she screeched. "I will catch cold and diiiiieeeeee!"
"Here," Darcy said while unbuttoning his vest, "this might help." He took it off and gave it to Leigh. She put it on and said, "That's a little better but I'd be warmer if I could use your cravat." Darcy looked puzzled but untied his cravat and handed it to his cousin. She wrapped it around her neck like a scarf and nodded satisfactorily. "Much better."
Belle looked and Leigh and gave her a thumbs up. She looked over at Elizabeth and grinned. The lady couldn't stop staring at Darcy; her cheeks were flushed. He exactly the same as on that wonderful day at Pemberley. What was even more amusing was the way the gentleman stared at Elizabeth. True she wore a great coat, but what was seen of the clinging dress, well... (A collective sigh is heard from the Dwiggies as they drift off to Happyland. The noble authors smirk at each other for averting a disaster. Then they too drool over Darcy) Leigh cleared her throat and Darcy broke the spell by turning and looking for his hat. It was found a short distance away, crushed to death by the cart's wheels. Darcy looked ruefully at it and shrugged.
Leigh grinned and walked over to her cousin. "Awwwww... Your hat is ruined. Here, you can wear mine." She took off her bonnet and placed it on his head. "There. Now aren't you just the sweetest thing?" she said as she tied the ribbons in a bow. She turned to Belle and said, "Isn't he just adorable?"
Belle pinched his cheek and gushed, "He is so cute! You are, aren't you Darcy-warcy? Yes you are!"
Elizabeth shook with laughter. In order to save her fiancé from any further embarrassment she said, "I suggest that we should return to Longbourn before we all catch our death of colds!"
Darcy nodded and stalked off, mustering what little dignity he could. The three ladies burst in to giggles before taking off after him.
The noble authors gaze out into the crowd. The Dwiggies sit back in their chairs with goofy and dreamy smiles on their faces. "Do you think they heard that last bit?" Tabbi asks Col. "I don't think so," Col shrugs, "I think they stopped listening after the part where Darcy and Elizabeth are finally soaked." Tabbi sighs with relief, "Good." She plops down on the stage. "Maybe I can finally get some sleep." She drifts of into a dreamland filled with wet Darcys. Col looks around. "Oh what the heck!" She lies down and falls asleep to dream of Darcy also. Peace reigns at last.
Chapter 30 Posted on Wednesday, 5 January 2000
Authors' note: Sheesh! We're at Chapter 30 already? How did that happen? Well we're almost done I guess... Tabbi and I make no promises though! For those of you who don't remember, Mama and Papa Reed are the Ashtons' godparents--thought you'd like to know since they're mentioned here! Happy reading! :-)
As the soggy foursome trudged up the drive to Longbourn, Belle noticed a carriage just pulling away from the door. Recognizing the livery, she exclaimed, "James is here!" She turned to Darcy, "I thought you said he would be coming next week!"
Darcy looked puzzled, "He did."
Belle just shrugged, "Oh well." She grabbed Leigh's hand and they ran the rest of the way, eager to see their brother. They crashed through the door and burst into the hall.
"James!"
Ignoring the other occupants of the room, both sisters pounced on their brother and began chattering at once. "We didn't expect you 'til next week! Did something happen? It's lovely to see you here! How are Mama and Papa Reed? Did you bring us anything?"
In their enthusiasm, Belle and Leigh failed to notice everyone had fallen silent. James just stared at them.
"What?" Leigh asked, "Did we miss something?"
James opened his mouth to speak but something else caught his attention. Shock then amusement quickly spread over his features. Both girls turn to see what James was staring at. Darcy and Elizabeth were standing in the doorway. They looked absolutely terrible and the sisters guess they didn't look much better either. Darcy still wore Leigh's bonnet and his face was scarlet. They grinned until they noticed who else was standing with the Bennets and Mr. Bingley. Caulder and Harmon looked between the sisters and the couple in the doorway completely dumbfounded.
Mrs. Bennet broke the silence with a piercing shriek, "Lizzy! What have you gotten yourself into? Oh my poor nerves! You'll never marry if you insist upon acting in such a manner! What must everyone think of us?" Turning to James she screeched, "I do apologize for my daughter! We have taken better care of your sisters than this, I assure you sir! Lizzy always manages to get into some scrape or other!"
James smiled at the hysterical woman before saying, "I assure you Madam, that Belle and Leigh are perfectly capable of finding their own mischief; they need no help!" Turning to his sisters, he arched an eyebrow, "Well?"
"Why does everyone always think it's our fault?" Belle pouted.
"Because it usually is, sister!"
She stuck her tongue out at James before replying, "Well this time it wasn't!" At James skeptical look, Belle stamped her foot in frustration. "It wasn't!" She looked imploringly at Elizabeth; "Will you please tell him?"
Elizabeth grinned and said, "I assure you Mr. Ashton that it was not Belle and Leigh's fault. A farm cart veered off the road, causing Mr. Darcy and I to take refuge in a nearby ditch. My dear friends were obliged to help us out."
"Then why are they dirty also?" James asked.
Elizabeth looked from Darcy to the sisters. Did they want to explain the mud fight? Leigh solved that by answering; "Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth were errrrrrr... stuck in the mud." Darcy's face flushed deeper as the mention of his predicament. Leigh continued, "Belle and I tried to help them out but we uh... fell in ourselves."
James gave them a suspicious look but said, "Very well. Although it still doesn't explain why Darcy is wearing a lady's bonnet!"
The gentleman sputtered but Belle answered for him. "Oh! It's the new fashion! It's all the rage in London! Elizabeth, Leigh, and I thought it looked absolutely ridiculous but Cousin Darcy insisted!"
If looks could kill, Belle would have withered and died in the face of Darcy's glare. Mrs. Bennet, not wishing to offend such a great man, said, "It is a very becoming style, Mr. Darcy! Very masculine!" Turning to her husband, she said, "My dear, I believe you and Mr. Bingley should go into Meryton and buy one! This may be the country but we do keep up with the latest fashions!"
This proved too much for the rest of the party. All, except Darcy, burst into hysterical laughter. The gentleman in the bonnet just glared indignantly at his cousins.
Mrs. Bennet look at everyone in confusion, "Did I miss something?"
Darcy and Elizabeth's engagement was announced the next day. Belle and Leigh removed to Netherfield as a result, for James thought it prudent to get them away from the scene of the courtship. Much to his surprised the girls didn't put up a fuss. The truth being told, they were rather glad to get away from Mrs. Bennet and all her effusions. Of course the fact that Caulder and Harmon were at Netherfield also, had nothing to do with it. Nah. It didn't! Really! Fine! Don't believe us!
Several nights, after everyone had retired, Leigh sat in Belle's room where both were having discussion about courtship.
"I must say," Leigh pouted, "Caulder and Harmon don't know how to woo a girl! I expected more excitement!"
"What in the world do you mean?" asked Belle. "We spend most of our day with them! They show their partiality for us in every possible way!"
Leigh sighed, "I don't know. I just thought that they did things differently in this time. You know, serenades and stuff."
"Hmmmm..." Belle frowned, "That's what I always thought too. I mean I believed it to be a sign of a great romance."
"Well they're doing it all wrong!"
Belle grinned, "Hey! What if it's because they don't know how! That would mean that someone would have to teach them!"
Leigh's eyes lit up. "Did you have two someones in mind?"
"Yes as a matter of fact I did. Come on!"
The girls raced out Belle's room, down the stairs, and out of the house. They quietly crept around to one side of the house.
"Did you happen to notice where the gentlemen's rooms were?" Belle whispered to her sister.
Leigh squinted up at the house and pointed to a couple of windows. "Those two I believe."
Belle nodded and the girls held a whispered consultation before straightening up. Each drew a deep breath.
"ONLY YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU CAN MAKE UH THIS WORLD SEEM RIGHT! ONLY YOOOOOOO-OO-OUUUUUU CAN MAKE THE DARKNESS BRIGHT! ONLY YOU AND YOU ALONE CA-AAN THRILL ME LIKE YOU DO! AND TO FILL MY HEART WITH LOVE FOR ONLY YOOOOOOOOUUUUU!"
Somewhere from inside the house a dog began to howl.
"ONLY YOOOOOUUUU CAN MAKE UH THIS CHANGE IN ME! FOR IT'S TRUUUUUUEEEE, YOU ARE MY DESTINY!"
Candlelight could be seen through the glass now. Caulder and Harmon appeared at the window to see the spectacle.
"WHEN YOU HOLD MY HAND, I UNDERSTAAAAAND THE MAGIC THAT YOU DOOOOOOOO! YOU'RE MY DREAM COME TRUE, MY ONE AND ONLY YOOOOOUUUU!"
Caulder peered over to Harmon. "What in God's name are they doing?"
Harmon grinned and said, "I think they're serenading us! Do you think they're trying to tell us something?"
"Hmmmmmm... Maybe we should be more romantic?" Caulder mused.
"Right now I think they're doing enough for the four of us and then some!"
"O-O-OONLY YOOOOOOOOOU CAN UH MAKE UH THIS CHANGE IN ME! FOR IT'S TRUUUUUUE! YOU ARE MY DESTINY! WHEN YOU HOLD MY HAND, I UNDERSTAAAAAAND THE MAGIC THAT YOU DOOOOOOO! YOU'RE MY DREAM COME TRUE, MY ONE AND OOOOOOOOONLYYYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!" **
Harmon and Caulder applauded the ladies and they curtsied modestly. Bingley, James and Darcy, who had come out onto the lawn to investigate, interrupted this.
"What in the world do you think you ladies are doing?" James exclaimed.
"Ummmm..." Belle looked a Leigh sheepishly.
Leigh grinned, "We were scaring away any potential robbers!"
"Yes!" Harmon called, "And they were entertaining us in the process!"
James glared at his sisters. "Do you know that you've waken everyone in the house!"
"Uhhhh... Sorry?"
"Sorry? Sorry!" James sputtered. "BED! NOW!"
Belle and Leigh scurried into the darkness, their giggles echoing faintly in the night.
** Only You (And You Alone) ~The Platters
Chapter 31 Posted on Saturday, 8 January 2000
After Belle and Leigh's midnight, impromptu concert, Mr. Caulder and Mr. Harmon were more attentive than ever. One lady might find a single rose lying outside her doorstep in the morning, while the other would find an unsigned love poem in her workbox. The gentlemen quoted sonnets at every opportune moment and quiet picnics were planned on every promising day. The sisters looked upon all this with a certain smugness, well satisfied with their suitors' behavior. Love was in the air and continued unabated, that is until the arrival of one particular person.
Caroline Bingley arrived at Netherfield a few days after the announcement of Darcy and Elizabeth's engagement. As a consequence of spending most of his time at Longbourn, Bingley had neglected to write to his sister of this new development. The lady came into Hertfordshire determined on carrying out one of two points. She intended to break Bingley's engagement to that ridiculous Jane Bennet, or failing that, determined that she should be in Darcy's path when the marriage bug bit him also. And so Caroline entered the house, followed by a foul wind and Mr. & Mrs. Hurst. After some thought, the noble authors contend that the foul wind may have emanated from Hurst, for it smelled remarkably like booze and dead fish.
As Darcy and Bingley were at the Bennets with their fiancées and James, Harmon, and Caulder were out shooting, Belle and Leigh had the errrr... pleasure... of welcoming them. Caroline swept into the room full of arrogance and her superiority. With hardly a civil greeting to the Ashtons, she looked at them disdainfully and said, "Where are my brother and the other gentlemen?"
The sisters grinned at each other before Leigh replied, "Mr. Bingley and our cousin are at Longbourn. The others are out shooting."
Miss Bingley sniffed before seating herself. "Poor Darcy... having to endure the company of those odious Bennets. If my brother had not insisted on making their acquaintance, he would not have to suffer. And now Charles is marrying one of them!"
Belle and Leigh looked at each other. Did Caroline not know of Darcy's engagement? The announcement had yet to be printed in the newspapers and if Mr. Bingley had forgotten... well then it was possible. The girls grinned at one another, each realizing the possibilities. It was time for a little fun...
Belle assumed a conspiratorial look and said to Caroline, "Oh I do not imagine he suffers much, Miss Bingley. As a matter of fact, I haven't seen Fitzwilliam so happy in years, as he has been the last few days."
Miss Bingley's curiosity was aroused. "Oh? And pray tell, what may be the cause of that?"
"Well," Belle said in a lower voice, "Cousin Darcy seems to have been caught up by all this marriage business. Leigh and I believe he is in love with a woman that he has known for quite some time now. We also overheard part of a conversation between him and your brother. He asked Mr. Bingley if he would give his blessing to the marriage. Your brother was ecstatic!"
Caroline exchanged a triumphant glance with Mrs. Hurst. At last she would be Mistress of Pemberley! Realizing she was still in her traveling clothes, she excused herself to go change. She must look absolutely stunning for Darcy when he returned! Miss Bingley practically ran out of the room, followed by her sister and a smelly Mr. Hurst in tow.
Leigh smirked at Belle. "Well we've got her hooked, but it's gonna take something more. I have an idea." She began whispering to her sister, who smirked and nodded.
Two hours later, Caroline descended the stairs decked out in an orange dress of the brightest hue, a pea-green shawl, a bright yellow turban decorated with peacock feathers. She was on her way to find the housekeeper when she passed the drawing room. The door was slightly ajar and a burst of giggles came from within. Miss Bingley sneered in contempt. When she was Mrs. Darcy, she would put the two chits that he called cousins in their place. She was about to ignore them when she caught a few words of their conversation. Caroline moved closer to the door in order to eavesdrop better.
"...and don't you admire her beauty?" said Leigh. "Her complexion is so perfect! And then she possesses a certain grace! The way she walks with such elegance! I must admit I am quite envious!"
"I quite agree with you, my dear!" Belle replied. "She has a wonderful fashion sense!" Caroline looked down at her apparel and quite agreed with chit. It seemed at least one of the sisters had some sense. Belle continued, "And her affectionate nature towards her sister confirms her wonderful disposition. Georgiana positively dotes on her!"
"Oh yes, definitely! And her marvelous sense of humor! That superb wit! In short, she will make our cousin a perfect wife. I admire her greatly!"
Caroline swept away from the door with a new superiority and better disposed towards the Ashtons. Maybe with some training, those silly girls could become less intolerable.
Belle and Leigh looked out the door at the retreating figure of Caroline. They grinned at each other. Miss Bingley has swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
Bingley and Darcy returned home not long after Belle and Leigh's "conversation" took place. Bingley informed Caroline to expect Jane and Elizabeth Bennet for dinner that evening. The lady was none too happy upon hearing that her greatest rival would be coming but soon was content in her knowledge of being beloved by Darcy. She was determined to plan the seating arrangements to her best advantage. The Ashton sisters expected this. Just before the Bennets' arrival, the girls sneaked into the dining room and rearranged all the place cards. Then they rushed out to greet Elizabeth and Jane.
Before Caroline knew what had happened the entire party was seated at dinner. No one sat where she had placed him or her. Jane sat on Bingley's right with Darcy and Elizabeth next to her. On his left sat James with Mr. and Mrs. Hurst. Caroline realized with horror that an Ashton sister sat on either side of her. Caulder sat next to Leigh and Harmon was placed next to Belle. What had happened? Miss Bingley determined to find out who had blundered her orders and then sack them immediately. The worst of it was that Darcy seemed to be enjoying that Eliza Bennet's company! Disgruntled and displeased, the lady was silent through most of the dinner. What brought her back into the conversation was Belle's mention of wedding preparations.
"And how are the dresses coming along?" Belle asked of the Bennet sisters.
Jane smiled and replied enthusiastically, "They will be ready in time, if that's what you mean. Lizzy and I finally found the right materials and patterns."
"I'm sure the dresses will be beautiful!" replied Belle.
Elizabeth grinned and said, "Yes we are assured of that, but whether or not the brides will look equally well is a question that needs answering."
"Lizzy!" Jane exclaimed laughing.
"Oh Elizabeth!" cried Leigh, "I'm sure you and Jane will look absolutely stunning in your wedding dresses!"
Caroline perked up at this. Eliza Bennet was getting married? "Pray Miss Eliza, who is the lucky gentleman?" Miss Bingley said with a sneer. "A militiaman? A local clergyman? Or your Uncle Philips's law clerk?" She smiled disdainfully and took a sip of wine.
Leigh looked up, feigning astonishment. "Why Miss Bingley! We thought you knew! Elizabeth is marrying our precious Cousin Darcy!"
Caroline spit wine across the table. "What?" She glared at Darcy and Bingley. "Is this true?" she demanded.
Bingley grinned foolishly, "Of course it is! I must have forgotten to tell you! Wonderful, is it not?"
Miss Bingley sat speechless for several moments before excusing herself and fled the room. Belle and Leigh smirked triumphantly at each other, drawing only the attention of Caulder and Harmon.
Caroline Bingley was subdued for the next several weeks. She dropped hints about Elizabeth's unfitness as a wife but to no avail. She reasoned vainly with Bingley to drop his engagement but he only took offense. Angering many in the house and angry at most of them, Miss Bingley spent most of the day in her room.
Belle and Leigh began to notice a change in their suitors' behavior during this time also. They became more withdrawn and aloof. The romantic notes and flowers came to a halt suddenly. The girls were hurt by the coldness but grew uneasy as a rumor circulated about the country. It was whispered that Caulder and Harmon had fallen for the same woman who had been disappointed in love. Their amiable hearts could not hold out against such a creature. What really worried Belle and Leigh was that the only disappointed woman they knew of was... No surely not.
One afternoon they came upon the two gentlemen, in the midst of an argument.
"She is mine!" Harmon shouted. "Why would she fall for a cad like you?"
Caulder sneered. "Better than falling for a reprehensible cad like yourself!" he retorted.
The sisters stood rooted in shock, as the argument grew more heated.
After several more minutes, Harmon finally yelled, "Then we shall see who will win the lady's affections! From this moment you may consider our acquaintance at an end!" He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Caulder glowered for a moment before stalking out himself.
Hurt and betrayed, the Ashtons sought out their brother. Learning that he was from the house, they instead found their cousin.
"Why whatever is the matter, cousins?" Darcy asked in concern.
Belle looked at him with tears in her eyes. "We just witnessed an argument between Mr. Caulder and Mr. Harmon. Is it true? Are they in love with the same woman?"
Darcy sighed and fidgeted uncomfortably. Not meeting their eyes he said, "I was hoping you would find out some other way..." Looking up at their anguished faces he said, "Yes it's true."
Leigh choked back a sob. "Do we know the lady?"
Darcy closed his eyes before replying, "Yes, I'm afraid you do."
Both girls held their breath anxiously.
"It is Caroline Bingley."
Chapter 32 Posted on Sunday, 9 January 2000
The next week was torture for Belle and Leigh. Their pride demanded that they show no hurt and that they behave normally, but others soon began to note a real want of spirits. They laughed, smiled, and giggled but those who knew the sisters best saw that the mischievous sparkle was gone from their eyes.
When the girls hadn't pulled any pranks ten days running, James began to worry. "Darcy," he said one evening, "Do you think we have gone too far? I've never seen them act like this!" After gazing at Belle and Leigh for several moments, he asked, "Who did you tell them it was?"
Darcy was silent for several seconds before saying, "Caroline Bingley."
James nearly choked. "What? Why on earth did you tell them that?"
"I had no choice, James! They were supposed to find out from you!"
James sighed and shook his head. "Well it's too late now. We will just have to wait for the ball three days hence. I certainly hope Harmon and Caulder know what they are doing!"
Bingley had arranged for another ball at Netherfield two weeks before the weddings were to take place. It would be the last festivity for a while and a last chance for all of Meryton society to come together. It was hoped the dance would cheer the Ashton sisters up but no one observed a change in them.
The day of the ball finally arrived. Belle and Leigh danced with several gentlemen but preferred to sit out and watch most of the evening. James approached them a few hours later and asked them why they were not dancing.
Belle sighed and said, "I don't know. I guess we don't feel like it tonight, brother. Besides there are very few gentlemen dancing."
James's eyes gleamed at her last statement. Now was the perfect opportunity. "Oh?" he said casually. "If that is your problem then I believe I can help!" He waved over Harmon and Caulder and then turned back to his sisters. "These two gentlemen happen to be without partners and would be only too happy to stand up with you."
The sisters paled at the gentlemen's approach. "But... We... You... They..." Leigh sputtered.
James ignored his sisters and said, "Ah Caulder and Harmon! Would you do the very great honor of dancing with my sisters? I would be much obliged!"
"Of course, James. We would be delighted." Caulder said quietly.
The sisters were about to refuse but something in their brother's expression told them it wouldn't be wise. They allowed the gentlemen to lead them onto the floor but refused to be divided in the set. The sisters rebuffed any attempt at conversation and the couples when down half the dance in silence. Harmon signaled to Caulder. It was time.
Stopping the entire set, the gentlemen each got down on one knee in front of their beloved. Each pulled out a ring and asked in unison, "Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
The music stopped and everyone in the room went deathly quiet. Belle and Leigh stared at the gentlemen in total confusion.
"But we thought you..." Belle stammered.
"Yes!" Leigh interrupted. "Is this some sort of a joke!"
Caulder smiled and said, "It is no joke. Harmon and I just wanted a way to surprise you ladies. To catch you off-guard."
"An unusual proposal for a pair of very unusual ladies," Harmon grinned.
"Why you... you... you..." the sisters spluttered.
CRACK! CRACK!
The gentlemen lay on the ground, each nursing a sore eye.
"YES OF COURSE WE WILL, YOU JERKS!" the sisters shrieked.
They stalked regally to the door and passed a smirking Darcy and James. Belle narrowed her eyes. "You knew about this!" she accused.
The gentlemen grinned wickedly. The sisters looked at each other before stalking over to the refreshment table. Belle grabbed the punch bowl and Leigh snatched up the pudding. They walked regally back towards their beloved family members. Belle dumped the entire contents of the bowl on James's head and Leigh poured the pudding down the front of Darcy's breeches. The sisters then turned up their noses and swept from the room.
The day after the ball, Belle and Leigh threatened their fiancés for an explanation. The gentlemen, each already sporting one black eye, quickly gave in for fear of another.
"Well," Harmon said, "We wanted to propose to you ladies in a different way. Caulder and I were at a loss though so we broached the subject after dinner one night after you ladies withdrew..."
"James," Caulder said as soon as the dinning room door closed, "Harmon and I would like to speak with you about your sisters."James guessing correctly what this was about just arched an eyebrow. "Well?"
Caulder clear his throat and shifted uncomfortably. "We uh... would like to ask permission to marry Belle and Leigh."
"Why that's wonderful!" Bingley exclaimed.
Darcy, who had taken a sip of brandy, spewed it across the table. "What?" he asked incredulously. "Are you out of your minds! I knew you admired them but this is insane!"
Harmon glared at him. "Why should you think that? My Belle is a wonderful, sweet girl with an excellent sense of humor. Caulder thinks the same of Leigh. They are both intelligent and witty and well suited to us in every way."
"Are we talking about the same people?" Darcy asked. "Annabelle Faith Ashton? Tall, black hair, yellow eyes, fair-skinned? Leigh Rosemary Ashton? Like her sister but taller, less fair, and lighter hair? When the gentlemen nodded, Darcy shook his head and said, "I've heard love does strange things to people, but this..."
James waved his cousin into silence. "I take it you are in love with them and have been for some time now? That you are sure of their affections? Have you asked them yet?"
The gentlemen glanced at each other. "We are sure that your sisters feel the same way as we do about them but we haven't asked them yet," replied Caulder. "Harmon and I wanted to do something different to take them by complete surprise. But we would like to have your blessing first."
James thought for a moment. "Of course you have my blessing but to catch Belle and Leigh off-guard is a difficult thing to do. This may take some planning..."
"It took us several days to come up with an idea." Caulder said to the ladies. "Darcy and James finally came up with the scheme to let you believe we had fallen in love with another woman."
"I see," Leigh replied. "But why did you pick Caroline Bingley?"
Harmon looked shocked, "Is that what James told you?"
"No," Belle said, "Cousin Darcy did."
"Why that... no wonder you ladies were so angry! Please accept our humble apologies!"
The sisters forgave them and the next hour was spent errrrrrr... making up.
That night, Belle sat in Leigh's room. Both were discussing the events of the last two days.
"I can't believe our family!" Leigh exclaimed. "What on earth were they possibly thinking?"
Belle grimaced. "Revenge probably. We embarrassed Darcy and James often enough."
"True." Leigh thought for a moment. "You know this means war don't you?"
Belle nodded, "Yes, I would settle for nothing less. But it has to be good, very devious. We have to show those gentlemen just who is boss!"
Leigh's eyes lit up. "I've got it!" she said excitedly. "Listen to this!"
The girls spent the next hour in quiet consultation, working out all the details of their master plan. Belle finally decided to retire to her own room. As she walked down the hall pass the gentlemen's doors, she grinned wickedly. "Sleep comfortably, me lads. This isn't over yet. You'll be sorry you ever messed with Leigh and I." She slipped into her room and the corridor echoed with her ghostly chuckle.