Did I Miss Something? ~ Section II

    By Coleen V. & Tabbi W.

    Beginning, Section II, Next Section

    Chapter 13

    Posted on Friday, 19 November 1999

    A week before Christmas, James announced to his sisters that they would be returning to Lockwood Manor just before the new year. "I think it's time we returned home. London is wonderful, but I do miss the quiet of the country."

    "Oh James! Do we really?" exclaimed Belle. "Leigh and I are having so much fun here!"

    James grinned slyly at them both. "And the presence of two certain gentlemen in town have nothing to do with it I suppose?"

    The sisters blushed. Leigh said, "Brother! Now really! But Belle and I were looking forward to seeing a friend of ours from Hertfordshire. We heard she may be coming."

    "I'm sorry to hear it," replied James, "but I'm afraid we must return. I have estate business that demands my immediate attention. Cheer up girls! Darcy and Col. Fitzwilliam will be joining us a couple of weeks before you travel to Kent. They are also going to visit our aunt and will take you to Rosings. Now if you'll excuse me ladies; I have a few letters to write."

    After James left the room, Leigh turned to Belle and said, "Shoot!"

    "Bang!"

    "Ha ha. You're hysterical. I can't believe we're going to miss Jane! I was hoping we could do something for her and Bingley."

    Belle sighed, "I know. Poor Jane and Bingley! They have to wait a while now."

    Christmas came and went much too quickly for the sisters. Before they knew it, they were back at Lockwood Manor. Time, which had flown by quickly, now slowed down to a crawl. Bad weather kept Belle and Leigh indoors most of the time. It wasn't so horrible at first. They worked on their sewing, read, sang, and played tricks on their brother. Eventually, the sisters' tempers became short and they fought more often than not. James avoided them as much as he could, anxious not to be caught in the middle of an argument.

    Thus January and February passed. March arrived, much to the relief of all within Lockwood Manor, bringing Darcy and Col. Fitzwilliam with it. Belle and Leigh were outside, playing in a snow bank that had not melted, when Darcy's carriage pulled up to the door. They quickly made a cache of snowballs and ducked behind a tree. When the gentlemen alighted from the carriage, two well-aimed snowballs knocked off their hats.

    "What in the world?" exclaimed Col. Fitzwilliam, looking around. "Where did those come from?"

    Darcy sighed, "Probably from our cousins. I imagine they're somewhere about."

    As the gentlemen bent over to retrieve their hats, two more snowballs smacked them in the bums. A burst of giggles could be heard from a nearby tree. Darcy and Fitzwilliam looked at each other and approached the tree cautiously. Belle and Leigh jumped out and unleashed a barrage of snowballs on the unfortunate gentlemen.

    "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried the Colonel. "We're under attack! Retreat Darcy! Retreat!"

    The gentlemen ran towards the safety of the house, leaving Belle and Leigh behind, dancing in triumph.

    Belle and Leigh, instead of arguing with one another, now poured their energy in to teasing poor Darcy. Since his arrival, he had not one minute's rest. Darcy only kept patience with them because James seemed to think their behavior was normal.

    One day, Belle and Leigh were particularly horrible. They followed Darcy everywhere, either asking him inane questions or singing in off-key voices, especially songs he hated. Darcy's face took on an anguished expression and finally James's patience came to an end.

    "Belle! Leigh! I would like to speak with you for a moment." Seeing they were about to protest, he added, "Now!"

    They nodded and followed him out of the drawing room. He led them upstairs towards their rooms and summoned their maids. "Miss Ashton and Miss Leigh are not to leave their rooms until further notice. You are to stay with them and keep watch until I return."

    "James!" both girls exclaimed.

    "Enough! I'll be back in a while. I have to go make your excuses to our cousins. We will speak about this later. Now into your rooms!"

    Belle and Leigh glared at him but complied. As soon as his footsteps faded away, Leigh sat down and wrote her sister a note. She handed it to her maid. "Please take this to Miss Ashton." Seeing the girl about to protest, Leigh added, "It's alright Nell! Just deliver that note." Her maid nodded and left the room.

    Belle's maid delivered Leigh's note to her mistress. She impatiently opened the note.

    Belle,
    Though James has forbidden us to leave our rooms, he said nothing about sitting in our doorways. Open your door as soon as you finish reading this.

    She walked swiftly across the room and pulled open the door. Leigh was already sitting down, waiting for her.

    "Hello sister mine!" Belle greeted her as she sat upon the floor.

    "Took you long enough!"

    "Oh shut up! Well, what did you want?"

    Leigh shrugged, "Don't know. Just bored I guess." She grinned suddenly. "Do you remember back in high school to our mythology class? When we had to watch 2001: A Space Odyssey?"

    Belle giggled. "Yes and we pretended like we were maestros for the music! La la la la laa! La dah! La –burp- Oops! Excuse me!"

    Leigh doubled over with laughter. "Hehehehee! That's perfect!"

    Readers, had you been in the hall at that particular moment, you would have heard a strange thing. "La la la la laa! –burp- -fart-! –burp- -fart-! La la la la laaaaa! –burp- -fart-! –burp- -fart-!

    Belle and Leigh's laughter could be heard throughout the upper part of the house. Forgetting their brother's edict, they got up and waltzed with each other down the hall.

    "What in heaven's name is going on up there?" yelled James from the bottom of the stairs.

    Both girls shrieked and bumped into each other, trying to make back to their rooms. Two doors slammed shut. By the time James reached the hall, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He opened one of the doors and looked in. He noticed Belle, lying on the bed, apparently asleep.

    "Belle," James said. "Belle! Wake up!"

    She snorted and said, "Go away! Sleeping!"

    "Belle, I know you're not asleep so don't even pretend. If you would like to sleep, you might try your own bed!"

    Belles sat straight up and looked around at Leigh's room. She smacked herself on the forehead. "Doh!"

    "Come out into the hall," James said.

    Darcy was standing outside with James. After Leigh joined them, James began lecturing his sisters on their behavior. They hung their heads in mock shame. Belle noticed that Darcy was smirking at them over James's shoulder. As soon as her brother turned his back, Belle crossed her eyes and stuck her tongue out at Darcy. Leigh shook her fist at him. Seeing Darcy's shocked face, James whirled around, only to see his sisters standing in apparent remorse.

    "You will apologize to your cousin now."

    Both girls mumbled, "Sorry cousin. Won't happen again," and returned to their rooms.

    The next morning, surprised shouts could be heard throughout the house. The sisters and Col. Fitzwilliam looked out their doors. James and Darcy stood in the hallway covered in honey and holding their slippers, which were covered in egg yolks. Belle and Leigh giggled. Revenge had come on swift wings.

    Chapter 14

    Posted on Saturday, 20 November 1999

    Authors' note: I would like to dedicate this next chapter in loving memory of Patricia Moon. She always had a smile for everyone and was the one who taught me the version of "We Three Kings" in this chapter. I know she'd want me to keep on laughing. Love ya Pat!

    --Col

    As James handed his sisters into the carriage that was to take them to Rosings, he cautioned them about their behavior. "Please don't irritate Darcy and Fitzwilliam too much. And please, please, please, try to control yourselves around Lady Catherine!"

    Belle smiled sweetly at him. "Don't worry brother! Leigh and I will try not to get caught," she said as the door shut.

    "That's not what I meant!" he shouted after the retreating carriage.

    Belle and Leigh settled back in to their seats, content to stare out at the scenery at first. Darcy, remembering the last journey, stared at them nervously. Leigh noticed him and said, "Is there something wrong Cousin Darcy?"

    "Uh… N-n-n-no! Of course n-n-n-not! Why should you ask?"

    "Oh, you just seem anxious for some reason!" She turned to Belle. "Do you have the workbasket? I would like to work on my fringe."

    Both girls settled into their various tasks. Col. Fitzwilliam, warned ahead of time by Darcy, was surprised by their platitude. He whispered to Darcy, "I thought you said they would be wild! They are both quiet as mice!" Darcy just shrugged, as perplexed as his cousin.

    Time and distance passed quietly. Finally, even Darcy began to relax. The motion of the carriage lulled the men into drowsiness. Soon both Darcy and Fitzwilliam were fast asleep.

    "WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE…"

    Both gentlemen jumped in their seats. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

    "TRYING TO SMOKE A RUBBER CIGAR! IT WAS LOADED! IT EXPLODED! WE WERE BLOWN SO FAR!"

    When Darcy and Fitzwilliam finally regained their wits, they stared at the angelic-looking sisters. Belle smiled at them. "Bad dream gentlemen? I must say you gave Leigh and I quite a start!'

    Fitzwilliam shook his head, trying to stop his still ringing ears. "Wh-what?" He looked from one sister to the other. "But you… But we…" He looked at Darcy, who was equally confused. "Did we miss something?"

    Leigh winked at her sister. "You gentlemen should really find an occupation while traveling. It might stop these daydreams you two seem to have. Or talk to each other! I don't know what I would do without Belle!"

    Belle grinned at Leigh. "Yes I quite agree! You are the "urp" in my burp!"

    "You are the "um" in my bum!"

    "You are the "ear" in my rear!"

    "You are the "art" in my fart!"

    "Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

    "You're everything I wish I could be!"

    Both girls sang, "I COULD FLY HIGHER THAN AN EAGLE! FOR YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!" **

    Col. Fitzwilliam and Darcy cringed at the Ashtons' piercing voices. Unfortunately for the gentlemen, Belle and Leigh liked the song so much that it could be heard for the next few hours and all the next day. When Rosings came into view, Darcy thought that the place never seemed so beautiful or Lady Catherine less forbidding as now.

    ** Wind Beneath My Wings

    Bette Midler

    Lady Catherine received her nieces and nephews in the drawing room. Her greetings to Belle, Leigh, and Col. Fitzwilliam were cold in comparison to the attention Darcy received. The others were left to make their own comfort as Lady Cat took Darcy's arm and chattered away at him. The sisters had to suppress smiles as their aunt fished for compliments about Anne. Darcy wore a panicked look at first, which quickly changed to boredom. After talking herself out to him, Lady Catherine finally had time to spare for her nieces.

    "You are looking well Annabelle and Leigh. How is your brother? He is well I suppose. Is he managing his estate properly? I believe when I next write, I shall advise him on it. Have you girls found suitable husbands yet?"

    "No ma'am," replied Belle.

    "Well choose carefully, ladies. You must marry wisely. Remember who you are and your station in life. Do not disgrace your family by marrying beneath you. There are many rogues out there after your thirty thousand pounds."

    "Oh!" Leigh exclaimed with wide-eyed innocence, "I was going to run off with the butcher to Gretna Green! Is that not the proper thing to do? I believe he is quite deserving!"

    Lady Catherine gaped at her niece. She turned red with anger and for the first time in her life was speechless. Belle cleared her throat. "I believe that Leigh and I are a little tired. We would like to be shown to our rooms. Anne, would you be so kind as to show us the way?"

    Anne stood and said, "Of course Cousin. Follow me." Once the three girls were safely out of the room, Anne surprised the sisters by bursting into laughter. Belle and Leigh looked at each other, eyebrows raised.

    "I've never s-s-s-seen Mother l-l-l-look so shocked!" giggled Anne. "It was priceless!"

    Leigh grinned, "Stay with us, my girl! And we shall teach you all our secrets!"

    The three cousins linked arms and went upstairs

    Chaper 15

    Posted on Sunday, 21 November 1999

    Authors' note: Tabbi and I would like to dedicate this next chapter to our friend Cory, who gave us the inspiration for the squirrel. We must admit that the squirrel is only a shade saner than Cory! I would like also to add my younger brother, Jim, to this dedication, who without the hymnbooks and bad behavior, the church scene wouldn't have been so much fun to write! --Col

    The morning after the cousins' arrival at Rosings, Belle and Leigh dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. Upon entering the parlor, Belle let out a shriek, which she quickly tried to cover with a fit of coughing. The Greaseball stood in the middle of the room, oozing all over Lady Catherine.

    "I am honored to have your noble nephews in the parish, Your Ladyship. I apologize for not coming sooner, but as a clergyman…"

    "Yes! Yes!" Lady Catherine said impatiently. She noticed Belle and Leigh trying to sneak out of the room. "Mr. Collins, I believe you have already met my nieces, Miss Ashton and Miss Leigh."

    The Thing oozed towards them, "Yes of course! We met in Hertfordshire. It is an honor to see you again, ladies!" He bowed, as Belle and Leigh backed against the door. "I can see the family resemblance, although Miss de Bourgh has more delicate features." He turned to Anne, who's skin had taken on a greenish cast.

    "Poor Anne!" Leigh whispered to Belle. "Having to live in the same neighborhood with that… that…" She shuddered, "Oh gross."

    Their attention was caught again when Mr. Collins mentioned Elizabeth Bennet and Maria Lucas. Belle and Leigh expressed a wish to call upon Mrs. Collins, Elizabeth, and Maria. Col. Fitzwilliam was agreeable to it since he had heard so much about the famous Miss Elizabeth. At least three people in the room knew why Darcy wanted to go.

    The four cousins followed Mr. Collins back to the parsonage. The ladies of Hunsford greeted Belle and Leigh warmly. They and Col. Fitzwilliam chatted pleasantly for about an hour. Darcy spent most of the visit staring at Elizabeth in silence. She asked if he had seen her sister in town to which he replied in the negative. Belle and Leigh bestowed a brief, disdainful look upon their cousin. Soon afterwards, the ladies and gentlemen of Rosings took their leave.

    On the walk back to Rosings, Belle and Leigh allowed their cousins to outstrip them. The girls sauntered along the shady path, enjoying the beautiful weather. They had just passed a large oak tree, when an acorn hit Leigh in the head.

    "Ouch! Stop throwing things at me Belle!'

    "I didn't do…Ow! You didn't need to hit me with one!

    "I didn't! What the…?"

    Both sisters looked around, seeing nothing. Belle looked up at the tree and spotted a squirrel. She laughed. "Leigh it was only a stupid squirrel! It just dropped them on us! Ouch!"

    The squirrel danced angrily on her branch. "I'm not a stupid squirrel, you dumb human! My name is Cory and this is my tree! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

    Leigh looked at Belle, "Are we dreaming?" She pinched her sister, who yelped in pain and returned the favor with a punch in the arm. "Well," Leigh said, rubbing her arm, "I guess Rosings and Lady Catherine can make anything go nutty!"

    Cory the squirrel chittered and squeaked in anger. "Now you've made me angry! Begone stupid humans!" She launched a barrage of nuts on the poor Ashtons, and they ran, screaming, down the trail. Cory did a victory dance and strutted back into her tree.

    If anyone noticed the bruises on Belle and Leigh's faces, they said nothing on the way to church the next morning. Upon entering the church, the sisters slipped away from the rest of the Rosings party and sat in the very back. Belle sat down heavily, clutching her stomach.

    "I don't feel too good Leigh."

    "What's wrong?"

    "I'm not sure," Belle moaned.

    The service began with the girls paying very little attention. Belle was too wrapped up in her stomachache and Leigh was concerned about her. Mr. Collins droned on and on. Just when he finished saying, "Oh Lord! Teach these sinners the error of their ways! Let Your might voice be heard!" Belle cut the cheese. The sound thundered throughout the room. In the hushed silence that followed, everyone turned to stare at the girls. Leigh was turning red with suppressed laughter and Belle stared straight ahead trying not to smile. Somebody cleared their throat and the congregation settled back into their seats.

    "Stupid wooden pews," Belle mumbled to her sister.

    Mr. Collins opened his mouth to begin preaching when Belle ripped another one. When everyone turned round again, Belle and Leigh looked behind themselves also. Seeing nothing, they looked back at the congregation and met their stares.

    Belle raised an eyebrow. "What? Did we miss something?"

    Everyone turned back to the front of the church. This time the service started with no interruptions. The only evidence of the past incident was a lingering smell.

    Leigh nudged Belle and whispered, "Hey Belle! I think we're sitting in our own PEW!"

    Belle giggled and whacked Leigh with a hymnbook. Leigh squeaked and returned the favor. After several minutes, both sisters' arms were bright red. They only stopped when the others began leaving.

    The Ashtons joined their aunt and cousins outside in time to hear an invitation given to Mr. and Mrs. Collins, Miss Bennet, and Miss Lucas to visit Rosings for the evening. The sisters were ecstatic! They would finally have some other people to converse with, instead of listening to Lady Cat tell them how to live.

    Chapter 16

    Posted on Monday, 22 November 1999

    That evening, the Collinses, Elizabeth, and Miss Lucas joined the Rosings party. When they were shown into the room, Belle and Leigh immediately went to Miss Bennet. They talked and laughed for a quarter of an hour before the sisters dragged Elizabeth over to Col. Fitzwilliam.

    "Richard!" Belle exclaimed, "You must help Leigh and I to persuade Miss Bennet to play for us in a while! We cannot convince her, for she says she does not play well enough."

    Elizabeth smiled, "I fear it is so." She glanced at Mr. Darcy. "Some people would find me lacking in talent."

    Col. Fitzwilliam protested against such an idea. He was sure she played very well and would very much like to hear her. Belle and Leigh grinned at each other and left them to go to Anne.

    "What are you two smiling about?" Anne asked.

    Leigh began to chuckle, "Belle and I are torturing Cousin Darcy."

    Anne looked confused. "But I didn't see you do anything."

    "My dear Anne," Belle said sitting down next to her, "our cousin is in love with Miss Bennet. Now do you seen what we have done?"

    Anne's eyes widened as she looked from Darcy to Col. Fitzwilliam and Elizabeth. "What do you…?" She began to laugh. "I've never seen Cousin Darcy jealous before! Why he is positively green!" The sisters laughed with her until their gaiety caught Darcy's notice. All three just smirked at him and waggled their eyebrows.

    Lady Catherine began to intrude on Elizabeth and Col. Fitzwilliam's conversation. She demanded to know what they were speaking of then began praising herself and Anne.

    Anne sighed in frustration. "I wish Mother would stop saying such things. It really is embarrassing." She mimicked Lady Cat's voice perfectly, "If Anne had ever learnt, she would be a true proficient."

    Seeing Elizabeth sit down at the pianoforte, Belle got an idea. "Anne, how would you like to sing with Leigh and I after Miss Bennet is done?"

    "But… But I don't know how to sing!"

    Belle grinned wickedly, "You don't have to know how! That's not the point!" She beckoned Leigh and Anne closer to listen to her plan. They talked all through Elizabeth's playing and Lady Catherine's criticisms. A short while later, the three girls linked arms and walked over to the pianoforte.

    Elizabeth looked up at the cousins and smiled. "Would you ladies care to give us some music," she queried. Darcy and Fitzwilliam paled noticeably.

    "Why we would love to!" Belle gushed. Elizabeth cleared the way for the trio and Belle sat down. "Alright girls, remember what I told you." She lowered her voice, "And if you forget the words, don't worry about it! Just make something up or babble." Belle played the introduction and all three caught their collective breaths.

    "THERE'S A HERO! IF YOU LOOK INSIDE YOUR HEART, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF WHO YOU ARE! THERE'S AN ANSWER! IF YOU SEARCH INTO YOUR SOUL, AND ALL THE SORROW THAT YOU KNOW WILL MELT AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!' **

    Belle, Leigh, and Anne managed to mangle the rest of "Hero." All three sang off-key and Anne, not knowing the words, just filled in the gaps with "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LA LA LA LA LA LA!" Belle and Leigh reached the heights of sound like Mariah Carey and beyond, shattering the cup in Lady Catherine's hand.

    When the song finally finished, the audience was stunned. For the second time in her life, Lady Catherine was speechless.

    ** Hero

    Mariah Carey

    The next morning, Belle and Leigh burst into Anne's room. They ran and jumped on her bed, sending her flying across the room.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" THUMP! "Help! I'm being attacked!"

    Belle and Leigh giggled. Anne stood up, rubbing her sore bum and glaring at her cousins. "What do you think you're doing? What time is it? What do you want?"

    Belle grinned, "We're going to have some fun this morning! Hurry up and get dressed!"

    "What are we going to do? It's early yet! Nobody else is awake!"

    "Just get dressed and you'll see!"

    Anne quickly dressed and followed her cousins downstairs. The sisters asked where Lady Catherine kept her china. Anne led them to the cabinet and each grabbed as many plates as they could hold. They scurried outside and Leigh went in search of the groundskeeper.

    Col. Fitzwilliam was sound asleep when he heard a gunshot. He leaped out of bed, grabbed his cane and yelled, "Attack men! Attack! Chaaaaaaarge!" The next gunshot brought him up short. The last remnants of sleep fell away from him when he realized the shots he heard were real. He ran to the window and looked out.

    "PULL!"

    Something resembling a dish flew threw the air only to shatter into a thousand pieces. Three feminine giggles could be heard from below.

    "PULL!" yelled Leigh.

    Anne tossed a dish into the air. Leigh sighted it with her gun and shot it down. "Ha! That makes four in a row!" She handed the gun to Belle. "I bet you can't do that!"

    Belle yanked the gun away from her. "Oh yeah! We'll just see about that! PULL!"

    Anne threw another dish into the air, which Belle hit. "Ha ha! Three more to go!" She stuck her tongue out at Leigh.

    The cousins never did find out who was the better shot because at the moment Darcy, Col. Fitzwilliam and an irate Lady Catherine appeared. Darcy held out his hand and Belle handed him the gun. Lady Catherine opened her mouth to yell and scream but was, for the third time in her life, speechless.

    Col. Fitzwilliam stared at the remains of the china. He looked at the three cousins with raised eyebrows. "Impressive, ladies!" he grinned at them.

    Lady Cat had to be helped up to her room. The clay-shooting, errrrrrrr… china-shooting incident left her indisposed for the rest of the day. Although grateful for the reprieve in his aunt's company, Darcy heartily wished he had not brought Belle and Leigh with him. They seemed to be a bad influence over Anne.

    Chapter 17

    Posted on Tuesday, 23 November 1999

    Over the course of the next week, Belle, Leigh, and Anne spent most of their time outdoors or at Hunsford with Elizabeth.

    They wished to avoid Lady Catherine, who was still upset about her china. As the gentlemen often visited the Parsonage, Lady Cat and Mrs. Jenkinson were left to their own amusement through the course of the day.

    Belle, Leigh, and Anne noticed that Darcy often "accidentally" met Elizabeth while she walked about on the grounds. The girls would follow at a discrete distance, hiding behind trees and bushes to observe unseen.

    On one such occasion, Leigh turned to her companions and said, "This is the funniest thing I have ever seen! He walks about with her, not listening to a word she says, then interrupts her to ask a stupid question!" She giggled, "What an idiot!"

    Anne peeked out from behind the bush. "She's leaving now. Ah! Darcy is staring after her!"

    "Let me see!" Belle said, peering through the branches. She giggled, "Leigh do you remember when we were at the Lucases?" Leigh nodded and Belle continued, "Do you remember what I said he looked like, mooning over Elizabeth?

    Leigh grinned, "Yes! You said he looked like a star-struck calf!"

    "Well he's got the same look on his face!"

    The three girls leaned out a little farther, laughing silently. Belle suddenly yelled, "MOO!" They ducked back behind the bush as Darcy whirled around. Belle, Leigh, and Anne burst into giggles and made kissy noises. "Oh Elizabeth!" Belle said in a deep voice. "Oh Fitzwilliam!" Anne said in a high, squeaky voice. The girls giggled more until the gentleman himself appeared and exclaimed, "What in the world?!"

    "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" the girls shrieked. They leaped to their feet and ran back to Rosings as fast as their legs would carry them.

    One night, Belle and Anne sneaked into Leigh's room. They crept over to the bed, where Leigh was snoring loudly and drooling. Belle looked at her cousin, "Are you ready?" When Anne nodded, she said, "Good! Time for a little payback! Ready? 1…2…3!"

    The two girls jumped on to Leigh's bed and bounced around. Leigh screamed then yelled, "HEEEEELP! WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING! GET OFF! GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!"

    Belle and Anne collapsed on the bed, howling with laughter. "That's for doing the same to Anne and me!" Belle said triumphantly.

    "So? You helped me to scare Anne!" When her sister just shrugged, Leigh said in exasperation, "Is there something you want or were you girls just trying to irritate me?"

    Anne grinned, "Belle said you and she would teach me how to play Marco Polo out in the maze!"

    "In the middle of the night?" Leigh asked incredulously.

    Belle shrugged, "Sure! It's as good a time as any other is. Besides it'd be more fun in the dark! Hurry up Leigh and get dressed. We don't have all night you know!"

    Lady Catherine had a shrubbery maze in back of the house and it was this that Belle, Leigh, and Anne entered. The sisters quickly explained the rules to their cousin then Leigh was chosen as "It."

    Darcy was having a pleasant dream about Elizabeth. He was down on bended knee, avowing his love for her and offering his hand in marriage. She smiled down at him and said "Marco!" Darcy, taken aback, stood up confused and asked "Polo?" Now even more confused, he tried to speak again. "Marco? Polo! Marco Polo! MarcoPolo MarcoPolo!" A hurt look crossed Elizabeth's face and she replied in a disappointed voice, "Marco." She walked away, and Darcy howled in anguish, "POOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOO!"

    Darcy awoke and sat up. "What a strange dream!" he said to himself. Just then, he heard "MARCO!" from outside the house. Two voices answered "POLO!" a moment later. He ran to the window but it was too dark to see. Darcy sighed and quickly dressed. He ran downstairs, grabbed a lantern, and ran out the back door. The voices could be heard from the maze. He entered it and immediately ran in to Leigh.

    "AAAHH! Cousin Darcy! What are you doing here?"

    "I might inquire the same!"

    "Oh! Ummm… Hold on a moment. BELLE! ANNE! WOULD YOU PLEASE COME HERE FOR A MOMENT?"

    Belle answered from somewhere in the maze, "OK! BUT IF THIS A TRICK, YOU'RE 'IT' AGAIN!"

    A few minutes later, the two cousins appeared. Belle demanded, "Now what's this all about?" Noticing Darcy just behind Leigh, she said, "Oh! I see!"

    Darcy sighed, "Ok ladies, let's all go back to bed, shall we?" With that, he led his cousins back into the house and did not retire himself until he was sure all three were safely in their beds.

    On their way downstairs the next morning, Belle and Leigh bumped into Lady Catherine's new maid. She was grumbling and muttering under her breath. Belle stopped her and inquired as to what was wrong.

    "Oh nothing Miss. Her Ladyship is just irritable this morning. She yelled at me three times and threatened to sack me!"

    "Hmmmmmmmmm…" Leigh pondered for a moment. "Where are you going now, Fanny?

    "To get her Ladyship's bath ready, Miss."

    Leigh grinned, "Excellent! Wait here until Belle and I return." So saying, she grabbed her sister's hand and took off running.

    "Leigh! Where are we going?"

    "Wait and see!"

    They passed Anne, who yelled, "Where are you two going? Wait for me!" and ran after her cousins. They arrived, breathless, in the pantry.

    "Quick!" Leigh said. "Find all the blueberry or blackberry preserves you can!"

    The girls searched frantically for several minutes before finding a few jars. Leigh ran into the kitchen and returned with a large bowl. She quickly emptied the contents of the jars into the bowl and mixed them together. She added a little water from a nearby pitcher and said, "There! Now let's go!"

    Belle and Anne looked at each other before running out of the pantry after Leigh. By the time they reached the top of the stairs, Leigh had already given the bowl to Fanny.

    "Now I want you to put this in Lady Catherine's bath water. Tell her that it's the restorative bath potion she requested yesterday. She won't remember saying anything like that of course, but flatter her into using it. Say something about how such a busy and important lady couldn't possibly have the time to remember such things. Make sure she soaks for a good while. Oh and don't forget to mash up any berries that are whole! Have to get the juices out! Now hurry!" Leigh sent the maid scurrying off and turned around to face Belle and Anne with a smirk.

    "What did you just do?" Anne asked.

    "You'll see! You'll see! I wouldn't want to spoil a surprise for you!"

    Everyone except for Lady Catherine had gathered in the breakfast parlor. They awaited her arrival to begin eating. Nobody talked much so all were able to hear the loud shriek from upstairs.

    "What was that?" Col. Fitzwilliam asked, jumping to his feet.

    Darcy replied, "It sounded like our aunt! Do you think we should go and see what is the matter?"

    "No!" Leigh exclaimed. When the gentlemen looked at her, she shrugged and said, "I'm sure nothing is wrong."

    Darcy grew suspicious and was about to question his cousin, when Lady Catherine walked into the room. All talking, all breathing, all movement ceased. Lady Cat stood in the doorway, wearing a green dress that clashed horribly with her purple skin. Ignoring their incredulous stares, she stalked regally over to her chair and sat. Anne stared at her mother with wide eyes. Silence reigned in the room until Lady Catherine, who had lost her appetite, stood and said, "Excuse me." As soon as the door shut behind her, ladies and gentlemen alike howled with laughter.

    Belle, Leigh, and Anne were outside later that day, when they observed the Collinses and Maria walking towards Rosings.

    "Where is Miss Bennet?" Anne asked. "I thought she was supposed to take tea with us also."

    Belle and Leigh looked at each other. Was this the day then? Their question was answered when they spied Darcy sneaking out of a side door and walking in the direction of the Parsonage.

    Anne noticed also. "Where is Cousin Darcy going?"

    Belle and Leigh grinned. "Let's follow him and find out!" Belle said.

    "But the tea!" Anne protested.

    "Oh bother the tea! This will be much more interesting, I assure you!"

    The three women, with wicked smiles on their faces, set off after their cousin.

    Chapter 18

    Posted on Wednesday, 24 November 1999

    When Darcy entered the Parsonage, he had no idea there were three very silly girls following him. Belle, Leigh, and Anne crept around the outside of the house, hoping to see or hear something. As they neared the back of the house, the girls could hear voices coming from a partially open window. They crawled on hands and knees until they were directly under the window. They took a seat and could hear the voices of Darcy and Elizabeth quite clearly.

    "How are you Miss Bennet?"

    "I am quite well, I thank you."

    Nothing but silence could be heard for the next several minutes. Anne had just whispered, "What are they doing?" when Darcy spoke.

    "In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed…" he began but was interrupted by a "Help! Let me out! Let me out! I've struggled in vaaaaiiiiin!" Darcy stopped and walked quickly over to the window. Seeing nothing, he turned back to Elizabeth. "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

    Darcy could have sworn he heard giggles at that moment, but when he returned to the window, nobody else was about. The girls, crouched directly beneath it, were out of sight. He continued his proposal, speaking not only of his love for Elizabeth but of the degradation of her connections would be.

    Belle rolled her eyes. "Blah blah blah! He's like the Energizer Bunny—he just keeps going and going and going and going."

    Leigh giggled and Anne asked, "What's an Energizer Bunny?"

    "Uh, never mind."

    "Shut your holes!" Leigh hissed. "I want to hear Miss Bennet's answer!"

    "In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however unequally they may be returned," Elizabeth said in an agitated voice. "It is natural that obligation should be felt, and if I could feel gratitude, I would now thank you. But I cannot—I have never desired your good opinion and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly…"

    "She's refusing him?!" Anne said in an awed voice. When Belle and Leigh nodded, she said, "But he is Mr. Darcy! No woman would refuse him!"

    Leigh grinned, "Well one just did! And after that proposal and some other circumstances, I would think very ill of her if she had accepted him!"

    Anne chuckled softly, "What a blow for Cousin Darcy! I bet this will bring him down a notch or two!"

    The two sisters grinned. All three turned their attention back towards the Darcy and Elizabeth. Anne choked back an angered cry, when Darcy confessed to separating Mr. Bingley and Jane. "He did what? What gave him the right to do such a thing?" And several minutes later, "Wickham? Where did Miss Bennet meet him?"

    "In Hertfordshire," Belle whispered. "He had joined a regiment quartered there. Miss Bennet doesn't know what he truly is. Nobody in Hertfordshire does actually."

    "Poor Darcy!"

    Elizabeth's angry voice interrupted them. "You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you supposed that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared me the concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentlemen-like manner. You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. From the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others were as such to form that ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not know you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry."

    "WHOO HOO!! GO ELIZABETH!"

    "YEAH! THAT'S TELLING HIM!"

    "HA! HA! HA! HA!"

    Darcy ran yet a third time to the window, only to see the branches of a nearby bush quivering as if something had brushed past it in a hurry.

    Three somethings were at this moment, racing away from Hunsford. When they reached the palings of Rosings, Belle, Leigh, and Anne stopped to catch their breath.

    "Do you think they saw us?" Leigh said in between breaths.

    "I don't think so!" Belle gasped.

    Anne soon began to giggle, which was contagious. Several minutes later, all three women were rolling on the ground and laughing. Suddenly they heard a "I do not think Lady Catherine was too displeased after I apologized for my cousin's absence."

    Belle's eyes widened when she recognized the voice. She could almost hear the grease dripping off of Mr. Collins "It's the blathering idiot! Run for it!" she yelled. The girls leaped to their feet.

    "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" they shrieked as they ran for their lives.

    Nothing was seen or heard of from Mr. Darcy for the rest of the evening. He had pleaded illness then locked himself into his bedroom. As Belle and Leigh made their way down the hall to their rooms, they noticed candlelight from under Darcy's door.

    Leigh grinned and said, "A heartbroken lover cannot sleep! I almost feel sorry for him though."

    "Yes, at least when Elizabeth defended Wickham. But the rest of his proposal! Man alive! Oh well, no wedding bells for him right now at least."

    Leigh's eyes lit up. "That reminds me of a song!" She cleared her throat. "Spring is here, the sky is blue, whoa-ho-ho-ho! Birds all sing as if they knew, today's the day we'll say 'I do' and we'll never be lonely any more because we're…"

    Belle laughed through her sister's performance but joined in at the chorus. "GOIN' TO THE CHAPEL AND WE'RE GONNA GET MA-A-ARIED! GOIN' TO THE CHAPEL AND WE'RE GONNA GET MA-A-ARIED! GEE, I REALLY LOVE YOU AND WE'RE GONNA GET MA…"

    Darcy's door flew open and there stood the gentleman himself. The sisters did not have to feign shock. "AAAAAAAAAAH! COUSIN!"

    He glared at them. "May I ask why are you singing out here?"

    Belle affected a confused look. "Singing? I didn't hear a thing! Were you singing, Leigh?" Leigh shook her head and coughed to hide a smile. Belle assumed her best innocent look. "Why nobody was singing out here! Leigh and I were just about to retire when you scared the wits out of us! Are you all right Fitzwilliam?"

    Darcy shot them one last suspicious glance before retreating into his room and slamming the door.

    Belle and Leigh looked at each other before turning as one and singing, "MA-A-ARIED! GOIN' TO THE CHAPEL OF LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!" **

    The door flew open again but by the time Darcy looked out, the sisters were gone.

    ** Chapel of Love
    Hmmmmmmmm…We just noticed that this is the third Bette Midler song we've used. Interesting…

    The next morning at breakfast, Darcy informed Col. Fitzwilliam, Belle, and Leigh that they would be leaving the next day. The sisters were excessively disappointed to leave Anne and Miss Bennet behind. Upon remembering the reason for the sudden departure, they smirked at Mr. Darcy. He stared at them, wondering what they knew.

    The Miss Ashtons resolved on calling upon Elizabeth later that day. Having seen Darcy walk out earlier with a letter in his hand, they knew she would be somewhere within the Park. After walking about the grounds for a while, they finally found her.

    "Good morning, Miss Bennet!" both girls exclaimed.

    Though she was rather distracted, Elizabeth greeted them warmly.

    "I fear we bring bad news," said Belle. "Leigh and I are to leave tomorrow along with Mr. Darcy and Col. Fitzwilliam. We are not sure when we shall see you again and have come to say good-bye."

    "I am sorry to hear that! Well you both must write to me. And as for seeing me again, I have a request to make of you."

    Leigh smiled, "Yes Miss Bennet?"

    "I have asked my father if both of you may come and visit Jane and I at Longbourn sometime. He very recently wrote back, giving his consent and left us to settle the rest. Would you please come and see me?"

    Both girls smiled widely. "Of course Miss Bennet! We are honored!" Belle exclaimed.

    "Please call me Elizabeth, Miss Ashton and Miss Leigh."

    "Only if you extend us the same courtesy!" said Leigh.

    "Very well Leigh and Belle."

    Belle grinned. "We shall write you, Elizabeth, when we are back at Lockwood Manor and settle all the particulars!"

    The three women chatted for several more minutes until Elizabeth said she should be heading back. After several more promises to write and saying good-bye, the sisters and Miss Bennet parted ways.

    Chapter 19

    Posted on Thursday, 25 November 1999

    Several hours before dawn, Belle and Leigh once again crept quietly into Anne's room. They tiptoed over to her bed and Belle gently shook her. Anne let out a yelp of surprised before being shushed by the sisters.

    "What are you awake for? You're leaving in the morning!" she hissed.

    Leigh chuckled, "Yeah we know but we decided to have one last bit of fun."

    Anne's eyes lit up with excitement. "What are we going to do?"

    "You'll see! Get dressed!"

    Anne needed no further prompting and ten minutes later, the girls made their way downstairs and out of the house. As the moon shone brightly, the girls easily walked through the Park and into the fields beyond. After crossing several fields they stopped in front of a fence.

    "Why are we here?" Anne asked.

    Belle pointed to a number of dark shapes beyond the fence. "See those." When Anne nodded, she continued, "Cows! We're going to do some cow tipping!"

    "Cow tipping?"

    Leigh grabbed Anne's hand. "Come on! We'll show you!"

    The three women walked along the length of the fence until coming to a break. They walked through it and sneaked up on the cows.

    "Okay," Belle whispered, "we line up on one side of the cow. Now when I count to three, start pushing."

    "What happens then?" Anne asked.

    "They tip over! All right, let's get ready. Everyone in position?" Seeing two heads nod, Belle said, "Okay then! Ready…1…2…3!"

    "Come on Anne! Get your shoulder into it!"

    After several seconds of pushing, they succeeded in tipping the cow over. SPLAT! The girls giggled then went after another one.

    "1…2…3!" SPLAT!

    "1…2…3!" SPLAT!

    "1…2…3!" SPLAT!

    Belle, Leigh, and Anne managed to push over seven or eight more cows before deciding it was enough. A few cows had awakened at the commotion so they "borrowed" two of them. The girls walked rapidly back to Rosings with the cows in tow. With some pulling and a lot of coaxing, the girls guided the cows into the house. Stifling giggles, they put the animals in the drawing room and shut the door quickly.

    "Wait until Aunt Catherine meets her new guests!" Leigh chuckled.

    Anne grinned, "Mother will have a fit!" She sighed, "I am going to miss you two. Things will seem so dull after this."

    Belle gave her a quick hug. "Leigh and I will miss you also. We were wondering though, would you come see us in Derbyshire? Sometime after Christmas?"

    "Of course! I'd love to!"

    Just then, they heard something moving around. Not wanting to be caught, the girls ran upstairs and back into their rooms.

    The carriage was waiting to take Belle, Leigh, Darcy, and Col. Fitzwilliam back to London, early in the morning. The entire family said their good-byes out on the front steps.

    The Ashtons embraced Anne and Leigh said to her, "You will come visit us then?" When Anne nodded, she said, "Wonderful! We'll look forward to the new year!"

    Belle and Leigh observed their cousin as she said good-bye to Col. Fitzwilliam. Belle whispered to Leigh, "She's got it bad! We'll have to do something about that!"

    Leigh smiled and said, "Playing matchmaker?"

    "Why not? It's for their own good after all!"

    After several admonishments and too much advice from Lady Catherine, the carriage door shut, and the foursome were on their way to London. Before having gone several hundred yards, a loud shriek could be heard from the house.

    "Was that our aunt?" Col. Fitzwilliam asked.

    The sisters broke into gales of laughter. Darcy stared at them. "Do you ladies know something we don't?"

    Belle said, "It seems Aunt Catherine has just met her new guests!"

    Darcy looked confused. "New guests? I was not aware that anybody else was to visit Rosings. Who is it?"

    "Not a who!" Leigh grinned. "It's more of a what!" She began to giggle.

    "What is Aunt Catherine's guest?"

    Belle grinned. "Two big, smelly things that say 'Moo!'" The gentlemen stared at her. "Well Leigh and I couldn't let our aunt get lonely after all her other guests have left! Anne agreed with us."

    Darcy and Col. Fitzwilliam burst into laughter after several seconds of stunned silence. "Poor Aunt Catherine!" Col. Fitzwilliam exclaimed. "Well she should be grateful to have such two thoughtful nieces!"

    As time and distance past, Belle and Leigh observed Darcy becoming more withdrawn. After some significant looks and a quick consultation, the girls announced their intention to sing, as it would lighten the mood. Darcy and Col. Fitzwilliam just had time for one horrified look, before Belle and Leigh began.

    Here I am
    Broken wings
    Quiet thoughts
    Unspoken dreams
    Here I am
    Alone again
    And I need her now
    To hold my hand

    She's all, she's all I ever had
    She's the air I breathe
    She's all, she's all I ever had

    It's the way she makes me feel
    It's the only thing that's real
    It's the way she understands
    She's my lover, she's my friend
    And when I look into her eyes
    It's the way I feel inside
    Like the man I want to be
    She's all I ever need

    So much time
    So much pain (but)
    There's one thing
    That still remains (It's the)
    The way she cared
    The love we shared
    And through it all
    She's always been there

    She's all, she's all I ever had
    In a world so cold, so empty
    She's all, she's all I ever had

    It's the way she makes me feel
    It's the only thing that's real
    It's the way she understands
    She's my lover, she's my friend
    And when I look into her eyes
    It's the way I feel inside
    Like the man I want to be
    She's all I ever need. **

    During the song, Darcy's face had become more anguished. The sisters exchanged knowing glances and then launched into another soppy love song. When tears came to Darcy's eyes, Belle and Leigh finally took pity on him and switched to singing "99 Bottles of Beer." The look on Darcy's face, however, showed what he thought of their "mercy." When the sisters tired of singing, they played Cat's Cradle with the yarn out of their workbaskets.

    After playing for a quarter of an hour, Leigh exclaimed, "I win! Ha ha!"

    Belle glared at her. "Only because you cheated!"

    "Did not!'

    Belle punched her in the arm. "Did so!"

    "Ouch!" Leigh said while rubbing her arm. "What did you do that for? Let's see how you like it!" She whacked Belle upside the head.

    "Hey! That HURT!" Belle narrowed her eyes and attacked Leigh, screaming "DIE WOMAN!"

    The sisters fell to punching, pulling hair, pinching, slapping, kicking, and screeching at the top of their lungs. The gentlemen had to forcibly separate Belle and Leigh when they finally began choking each other. Belle was now sitting on with side of the carriage with Darcy and Leigh was on the other with Fitzwilliam. They glared at each other and at the gentlemen. After a half-hour, the girls' tempers had cooled and they were friends again.

    "Do you have any paper, Belle?" Leigh asked.

    "I might have put some in my workbasket. Let me check. Ah ha! Here's some!"

    The sisters entertained themselves the rest of the trip to London by making paper airplanes. The gentlemen were occupied in dodging the bits of paper after Darcy had been hit in the eye. With great relief to Col. Fitzwilliam and Darcy did London come into view.

    ** She's All I Ever Had

    Ricky Martin

    Chapter 20

    Posted on Friday, 26 November 1999

    As James was still at Lockwood Manor, Belle and Leigh stayed at the Darcy townhouse. There they were to remain until traveling back to Derbyshire in July. The sisters and Georgiana were delighted to see each other again. Mr. Bingley, though not his usual cheerful self, likewise shared Georgiana's delight. The pleasure of Belle and Leigh knew no bounds when they learned that Mr. Harmon and Mr. Caulder were still in town. In all, Caroline and her sister were the only people who wished the sisters elsewhere.

    As the days passed, Belle and Leigh observed Darcy becoming more withdrawn and sad. Georgiana and Col. Fitzwilliam noticed also. After applying to her cousin for information, of which he had none to give, Georgiana approached the Ashtons.

    "Belle, Leigh, could you tell me what is wrong with Fitzwilliam? I have never seen him act like this."

    The sisters glanced at each other and Belle said, "Something happened to him in Kent, Georgiana." At her alarmed look, Belle hurriedly said, "Not an accident or the like! I would say he is having a moral crisis. He learned some things about himself that he did not like. These faults cost him something very dear to him."

    Georgiana was then called away by the housekeeper, preventing more questions. The next several days were busy, leaving no opportunity for further inquiries, so she had to be content with Belle's explanation.

    One night, Belle and Leigh were alone in the drawing room with Darcy, as Georgiana had already retired for the night. Darcy stared moodily into the fire while Belle and Leigh were occupied with their sewing. Used to his reticence of the last couple of weeks, the sisters were surprised when he addressed them.

    "Cousins, may I ask you something in all seriousness?"

    Leigh looked up at him. "Of course Fitzwilliam. Ask away."

    He was silent for several moments before saying, "From your behavior these last weeks, I assume you know what happened in Kent." When the sisters had the grace to blush, he said, "I thought as much. You heard every word, didn't you?"

    "Not every single word! We missed a few syllables while explaining things to Anne," Belle said with a grin.

    "Anne was there? Why am I not surprised? You two have corrupted her, you know. But getting back to the point, you heard what Eliz… Miss Bennet said about me. Am I proud, arrogant, and conceited?"

    Leigh shifted uncomfortably in her seat before saying, "If you are speaking of your behavior in Hertfordshire, then I must say that you did act proud and haughty. It didn't help that you insulted Elizabeth within her hearing also. Do you remember Belle's outburst at Netherfield? She had tried to warn you of the consequences such behavior would incur."

    "I realize that now," Darcy said, flushing slightly. "I must say Belle, that you are an accurate fortune teller."

    "And what of Miss Jane Bennet and Mr. Bingley?"

    Darcy's features hardened slightly, "As I told Miss Elizabeth, their separation was done for the best. Marrying into such a family! To be exposed to such impropriety of behavior!"

    "Oh come now Fitzwilliam," Belle said scornfully, "You mean to say that you do not have relations to blush for? What of our Aunt Catherine? Or better still, what of Leigh and I? Elizabeth could have pointed out our defects just as easily as you did hers, but I believe she was too polite! The only difference between the Bennets and ourselves is that we know we behave badly; Mrs. Bennet and her younger daughters do not. Leigh and I are only forgiven for our impropriety because we have money."

    "But family connections…" Darcy protested weakly.

    Belle stood and patted his shoulder. "Are next to nothing when you are in love. And I shall make another prophecy. You will meet some of Elizabeth's "low" relations, who are truly genteel. Money has nothing to do with good breeding and it is time for you to understand that." She turned to Leigh; "I am tired. I believe I shall retire for the night."

    Leigh said she would retire also. The sisters bade their cousin goodnight, leaving him to ponder on new ideas.

    One morning, a few weeks later, Belle, Leigh, Darcy, and Georgiana were gathered in the breakfast parlor. It was a particularly quiet morning and the Ashtons were unusually restless. Several attempts at a conversation were made, but to no avail. Belle and Leigh set about irritating the other two by scraping their forks and knives across their plates. The noise finally got to Darcy after one minute.

    "Would you ladies please cease and desist?" Darcy asked plaintively.

    Leigh grinned, "At-whay or-fay? E-way are-hay aving-hay un-fay!"

    Darcy stared at her. "What?!"

    "Ou-yay on't-day ow-knay ig-pay atin-lay?" Belle asked incredulously.

    Darcy let out an exasperated sigh. "What language are you ladies speaking?"

    "The New Latin of course!" Leigh smirked.

    Darcy looked confused. "New Latin? Did I miss something?"

    "Es-ya! I-hay ould-way ink-thay ou-yay ave-hay!" Leigh looked at Belle, "Dumbasse flambé?"

    Belle laughed, "Oh-hay es-yay! Ah-hay ah-hay! Arcy-day is-hay a-hay oron-may!"

    Darcy and Georgiana exchanged perplexed glances and looked at the Ashtons as if they had lost their minds. Knowing Belle and Leigh, it was debatable that they had.

    The girls got up from the table. "Ee-say ou-yay ater-lay!" They danced out of the room and singing, "I'D RATHER RIP OUT MY INTESTINES WITH A FORK, THAN WATCH YOU GOING OUT WITH OTHER MEN! I'D RATHER SLAM MY FINGERS IN A DOOR AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! OH CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY DARLIN'! I'D RATHER HAVE MY BLOOD SUCKED OUT BY LEECHES! SHOVE AND ICE PICK UNDER A TOENAIL OR TWO! I'D RATHER CLEAN ALL THE BATHROOMS IN GRAND CENTRAL STATION WITH MY TONGUE THAN SPEND ONE MORE MINUTE WITH YOU!" **

    Breakfast was concluded early as Darcy and Georgiana had suddenly lost their appetites.

    ** One More Minute

    "Weird Al" Yankovic

    Chapter 21

    Posted on Saturday, 27 November 1999

    Several days later, Belle and Leigh were walking down _______ Street shopping for new petticoats. Their attention was caught by someone shouting, "Wickham, old man! What are you doing in town?" The girls ducked into the nearest shop to eavesdrop.

    "Not so loud!" Wickham hissed. "There are several people who would dearly love to know I am here and whom I would dearly love to remain in ignorance."

    "I understand, old chap. But you never answered my question!"

    "My regiment is on its way to Brighton."

    The sisters listened to the rest of the conversation with interest while an idea formed in their devious minds. The gentlemen soon took their leave, promising to meet at the _____ Tavern later that night.

    "Belle!" Leigh said excitedly, "Here's our chance to stop Wickham!"

    "You're right but we'll have to move quickly."

    Belle and Leigh quickly walked back to the townhouse, plotting and planning along the way.

    Later that evening, Caulder, Harmon, and the Bingleys joined the Darcys and Ashtons for dinner. Belle and Leigh bored with the general conversation, decided to entertain themselves. Belle picked her spoon up and dangled it from her nose. Leigh stifled a laugh and began slurping her soup. The next few minutes were filled with SLUUUUUUUUUUURP! SLURP! SLUUUUUUUURP! BUUUUUUUUUURP! Belle took a drink from her wineglass, swished it around in her mouth, and gargled. The others had stopped eating to stare at the girls. When Belle tried to swallow, she choked. Leigh made strangling noises while trying to breathe, as she was laughing too hard. When both finally recovered they saw the others were gaping at them.

    "What? Did I miss something?" they asked in unison.

    Silence reigned. Belle grinned and said, "The silence is deafening!"

    "SILENCE OF THE LAAAAAAAAMBS!" Leigh proclaimed in a grand voice.

    The others seemed to shake themselves out of a daze and returned to eating.

    After the gentlemen joined the ladies in the drawing room, Belle and Leigh detached Caulder and Harmon from the rest. They walked over to a quiet corner, where none could eavesdrop.

    Harmon looked at them curiously. "Is there a reason for such privacy."

    Both sisters looked at each other and Belle said, "We have a request to make of you." She cleared her throat. "We need your help."

    "Gladly," said Caulder, "but for what?"

    "Leigh and I have just been informed that a certain gentleman, if you can call him that, is in town. He has already caused injury to our family more than once and we are afraid he will strike again. Not only that but he has a certain preference for extremely young and naïve ladies and we mean to put a stop to it."

    The sisters told the gentlemen of their plan to which they reacted in astonishment.

    "It is too dangerous!" Harmon exclaimed. "Surely this is not necessary!"

    "I'm afraid it is," Leigh said grimly. "Belle and I are resolved to act with or without your help."

    After that statement, the gentlemen had no choice to comply in hopes of protecting the girls.

    The night was cold and damp. Two gentlemen entered a tavern, apparently to escape from the hostile night. They scanned the smoky tavern, searching for someone. After locating a certain gentleman, they approached his table.

    Wickham looked up at the two strangers. "Can I help you?"

    "Are you Mr. Wickham?" one of the men inquired.

    "Maybe. Who is asking?"

    "Two associates of a Mrs. Younge. She is waiting outside for you now."

    "Mrs. Younge? What does she want?"

    "You will have to ask the lady herself. We are just messengers."

    Wickham nodded, stood, and donned his cloak. He followed the two strangers outside and down a dark alley.

    "Why would Mrs. Younge be here?" Wickham asked suspiciously.

    "It is not for us to question her," came the reply.

    After walking for several more minutes, they approached two cloaked figures. As they neared, one of the gentlemen called out, "I hope we have brought you the right person!"

    Belle and Leigh pulled back their hoods and peered into the darkness. When the three men were close enough, Leigh nodded with satisfaction. "It is he."

    Wickham, recognizing the two ladies, attempted to run away. Before he got too far, Belle had chased him down and tackled him to the ground. They wrestled for a few seconds until Leigh ran up beside them and gave Wickham a swift kick in the head. He howled in pain, which was quickly cut short when Belle punched him in the face.

    "Bring the ropes!" Leigh yelled to Harmon and Caulder.

    They quickly bound and gagged him. The sisters stood, looking down at the vermin. Another kick to the head knocked Wickham unconscious.

    The gentlemen stared at Belle and Leigh like they had sprouted two heads.

    "What?" Belle said irritably. "Who says women can't fight? Now stop gaping and help us carry him!"

    Wickham awoke in a strange room, no longer bound or gagged. A soldier stood over him and said, "Well you made a right mess of yourself this time!" Turning to another person in the room, he said, "We'll take this scum out of your sight now, Mr. Caulder. He won't get a second chance! If I had known his past, he certainly wouldn't have been allowed in my regiment! You're lucky to have caught him in the act! I abhor thieves."

    Wickham recognized Col. Forster. "Sir! What happened? Where am I?"

    "Don't play tricks, Wickham! I know your game now. Get him out of here!" And so saying, Wickham was dragged out the house and within three days, was on a ship bound for Australia.

    The next evening, Darcy was reading the newspaper when a certain article caught his eye. With smug satisfaction, he read that Wickham would no longer trouble him. The sisters noticed the change in Darcy's mood and the euphoria of their success made them sillier than usual. They had cleared a space in the middle of the room and were in the process of doing "The Hokey Pokey."

    "STICK YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN AND STICK YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT! YOU STICK YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT! YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND! THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!"

    Darcy and Georgiana gaped at their apparently insane cousins. The girls stopped and stared back.

    "What?" Leigh asked. "We're not crazy, it the rest of the world that's nuts!"

    Belle grinned and began to sing. "Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I'd go berserk? Well you left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see I'm completely out of my mind!"

    Leigh joined in as they danced out of the room. "AND THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HA-HAAA! THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HO-HO HEE-HEE HA-HAAA! TO THE FUNNY FARM WHERE LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL ALL THE TIME AND I'LL BE HAPPY TO SEE THOSE NICE YOUNG MEN IN THEIR CLEAN WHITE COATS AND THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HA…." They had been singing and skipping down the hall when they bumped into Caulder and Harmon, who had come to visit. *

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" the girls shrieked.

    The gentlemen gawked at Belle and Leigh. After several seconds of silence the ladies raised their eyebrows inquisitively.

    "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's not polite to stare at ladies?" said Belle. When Caulder and Harmon made no reply, she grinned. "But then I never professed to be a lady, so stare all you like."

    Several more minutes passed and the gentlemen had yet to respond. Leigh cleared her throat and said, "Well, I think you boys have had an eyeful. If you will excuse us? Come on Belle."

    The girls linked arms and acceded the stairs singing, "I LIE AWAKE AND I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY, DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY, THINKING OF YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"** The last screech echoed in the hall as the girls disappeared from sight.

    Harmon looked at Caulder. "You know, I think I'm in love."

    Caulder, stilled dazed, nodded. "I quite agree."

    * They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha-Haaa!—Napoleon XIV

    ** Drive Myself Crazy—N'Sync

    Chapter 22

    Posted on Sunday, 28 November 1999

    July arrived in all it's glory, but Belle and Leigh were too busy bothering other people to notice. It sprung upon them like a rabid dog when Darcy announced that it was time to return home.

    "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the girls shrieked. "YOU CAN'T MAKE US!" and so saying ran up to their rooms to pout. Darcy stood at the bottom of the stairs, grimacing.

    Belle stormed into Leigh's room after screaming incoherently at Darcy, who still stood at the foot of the stairs. Leigh was in the process of tearing her bed apart. Feathers flew everywhere and Belle had to dodge a pillow thrown in her direction.

    "HEY WATCH IT!" she yelled at Leigh.

    "SORRY!" Leigh screamed back, not sounding at all apologetic. She flopped down on her bed and began pouting. "I don't see why we have to leave just because Darcy has to go home!" She picked up a book and ran out into the hall. She stopped at the top of the stairs when she spotted Darcy walking to the drawing room. She shrieked and threw the book at her hated cousin. Darcy let out a yelp and escaped just in time. Leigh stomped into Belle's room and proceeded to rip it apart. Belle, hearing the commotion, ran into her room. She stopped short as she surveyed the total destruction.

    "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

    "I'M HAVING A TANTRUM! WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?"

    "WELL HAVE IT IN YOUR OWN ROOM!"

    "I CAN'T! I ALREADY BROKE EVERYTHING IN THERE!"

    Leigh kicked a bedpost and howled in pain. She jumped around on one foot until she tripped on the carpeting and fell flat on her face. She lied there for several seconds before moaning, "I don't wanna leeeeeaaaaaaaave!"

    Belle nodded in agreement and threw a vase across the room, which shattered against the wall. "I know! We're having too much fun to go now! And I was just getting to know Mr. Harmon better!"

    Leigh wailed for the next several minutes about her precious Mr. Caulder. Finally, irritated even with each other, the girls retired for the night.

    Belle and Leigh whined constantly for the next two days, fraying Darcy's nerves. They tried fake tears but to no avail. They were to leave in two days. Darcy could not be persuaded otherwise. The staff avoided the girls as much as possible—actually anybody with in a five-block vicinity.

    The night before their departure, Darcy, Georgiana, Belle and Leigh were gathered for one last dinner in London. The girls constantly snubbed Darcy and he soon gave up on any conversation. He was trying to enjoy what he could of his meal when a pea hit him between the eyes. He looked up but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He looked down when a carrot slice landed in his collar. Belle and Leigh snickered but went back to eating. A flying chicken wing smacked him in the face, leaving a trail of goo down his cheek and dribbled under his cravat. Georgiana stared at her brother and then her cousins in wide-eyed astonishment.

    Now thoroughly fed up with his cousins, Darcy stood and said, "I believe you ladies have had enough to eat tonight. I suggest that you retire."

    Both sisters stood and Leigh said, "I suppose we shall!" The girls walked regally to the door and opened it. Leigh exited the room first and Belle took one last glance back. "JERK!" she yelled and slammed the door.

    The next day, Darcy managed to pack his cousins into the carriage and they were off. Darcy had thought it prudent not to confine Belle and Leigh in the same carriage with Miss Bingley, as he could not be accountable for their actions. Georgiana was staying behind to travel with the Bingleys and Hursts. The first two hours were spent in total silence as the sisters glowered at their cousin. An evil grin appeared on Leigh's face. She whispered to Belle, who nodded and wore a similar expression. Putting on their most angelic faces, they began to sing.

    Have you ever loved somebody so much
    It makes you cry
    Have you ever needed something so bad
    You can't sleep at night
    Have you ever tried to find the words
    But they don't come out right
    Have you ever, have you ever

    Have you ever been in love
    Been in love so bad
    You'd do anything to make them understand
    Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
    You'd give anything to make them feel the same
    Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
    But you don't know what to say
    And you don't know where to start

    Have you ever loved somebody so much
    It makes you cry
    Have you ever needed something so bad
    You can't sleep at night
    Have you ever tried to find the words
    But they don't come out right
    Have you ever, have you ever

    Have you ever found the one
    You've dreamed of all your life
    You'd do anything to look into their eyes
    Have you finally found the one you've heart to
    Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
    Have you ever closed your eyes and
    Dreamed that they were there
    And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care

    What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby
    What do I gotta do to get into your heart
    To make you understand
    How I need you next to me
    Gotta get you in my world
    Cause baby I can't sleep

    Have you ever loved somebody so much
    It makes you cry
    Have you ever needed something so bad
    You can't sleep at night
    Have you ever tried to find the words
    But they don't come out right
    Have you ever, have you ever. **

    Darcy fought back tears as the girls finished the song. Belle and Leigh smiled sweetly at him, satisfied with their revenge. The rest of the journey passed uneventfully as the sisters fell asleep, tired from the last two days of complaining. Darcy had never been thankful for silence in his entire life.

    ** Have You Ever--Brandy

    The carriage stopped at Lockwood Manor. Darcy gratefully cosigned his cousins to their brother's care. After Belle and Leigh's things had been unloaded, the carriage departed for Pemberley. Darcy, tired of such cramped spaces, followed it on his horse.

    The sisters were halfway up to their rooms, when Belle exclaimed, "Gods above! We forgot about Elizabeth!" Leigh gasped and they ran back down the stairs. They raced to the stables and quickly saddled their horses. They took off at a full gallop towards Pemberley.

    Chapter 23

    Posted on Monday, 29 November 1999

    When Belle and Leigh reached Pemberley Woods, they slowed their horses to a walk. As the sisters neared the pond, they heard splashing. The girls grinned at each other and dismounted. After securing their horses on a nearby tree, the girls crept forward for a look. Darcy was just climbing out of the pond, his wet shirt clinging to his skin.

    Belle looked at her sister and waggled her eyebrows. "Too bad he's our cousin! Though it doesn't really matter here I guess. But he is Elizabeth's and there is Mr. Harmon and Mr. Caulder."

    "Hmmmmmm… I wonder what Mr. Caulder would look like wet," Leigh mused. Belle just grinned knowingly at her sister and turned back to watch Darcy.

    Darcy shook the water out of his hair and sat to put on his boots. He then stood and bent over to retrieve his hat and coat, thereby giving two certain ladies an excellent view.

    Belle let out a loud whistle. "WHOO HOO!!"

    "OH BABY, YEAH!"

    "WORK IT BABY! SHAKE THAT THANG!"

    "I THINK I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN!"

    Darcy whirled in astonishment, but no one was in sight. His face grew puzzled but then he just shrugged and began to walk towards the house. Belle and Leigh waited until he was out of sight before bursting into laughter. As soon as they calmed themselves, they took off after him. They crested a hill just in time to see Darcy and Elizabeth meet.

    "He's turning bright red!" Leigh giggled.

    "Well wouldn't you if you were caught half undressed?" Belle observed them for a few moments then said, "Elizabeth can't stop staring at him. Hmmmmm… I wonder why that could be." She grinned wickedly.

    When Darcy excused himself and walked quickly towards the house, Leigh said, "Run, Forest, run!" Seeing an agitated Elizabeth make her way back to the carriage, she added, "Let's run around to the front of the house to make it look like we just arrived."

    On their way around, Belle and Leigh stopped at the stable and gave the stable hand instructions to retrieve their horses. They paused a moment before catching their breath, then walked around to the front of the house. They spotted Elizabeth and her aunt and uncle nearing the carriage.

    "ELIZABETH!" Belle yelled, waving her hands.

    The lady turned and recognized her two friends. She smiled and waved back. The girls approached and the three friends embraced each other.

    "Why did you not tell us you would be in Derbyshire?" Leigh asked with a smile.

    "Because I did not know myself until just before we left. It is good to see you both again." Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner had finally caught up with their niece and introductions were made. They barely had time to exchange greetings when Darcy came running out of the house. He stopped abruptly when he saw his two cousins, grinning impudently at him. He approached the group cautiously.

    After greeting the sisters, he turned to Elizabeth and said, "Miss Bennet, please forgive me for not receiving you properly just now. You were not leaving?"

    Elizabeth blushed and said, "We were, sir. I think we must."

    The Ashtons looked at each other and then at their cousin, who had his back to them. Belle grinned and stuck her tongue out at Darcy. Leigh crossed her eyes and bared her teeth. Elizabeth noticed them and coughed to conceal a smile. Darcy turned and stared at the girls, who had taken a sudden interest in the sky.

    He turned back to Elizabeth and said, "I hope you are not displeased with Pemberley?"

    "No, not at all!"

    "Then you approve of it?"

    The Ashtons dancing around behind Darcy like monkeys caught Elizabeth's attention. Belle scratched her armpit and Leigh pretended to pick lice out of her hair. It was this that caused her to pause and smile before replying, "Very much! But I feel there are few who would not approve."

    "But your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning."

    Elizabeth blushed again. "Thank you"

    "OO! OO! AH! AAAH!"

    Darcy spun around once again. Belle and Leigh still were inspecting the sky but the Gardiners were staring at them incredulously. Curious as to whom Elizabeth's companions were and thinking it prudent to keep an eye on his cousins, he asked for an introduction. He greeted them civilly and then engaged Mr. Gardiner on the subject of fishing. Impressed with the gentleman, Darcy invited him to fish there whenever he liked and promised to provide tackle. The entire party walked towards the stream so Darcy could show Mr. Gardiner the choicest spots. After standing about for some time, they all headed towards the terrace walk. Darcy joined Elizabeth and the Ashtons wisely hung back to walk with the Gardiners. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner's initial shock at meeting Belle and Leigh wore off as the girls behaved themselves. The Ashtons could act normal when they preferred but as our dear Readers know, they chose to but rarely.

    Upon returning to the carriage, Mr. Gardiner helped his wife in, leaving Darcy to help Elizabeth. Once the carriage door shut, the good-byes said, and promises to visit were made, the carriage took off in the direction of Lambton. Darcy gazed at Elizabeth and she turned back to look at him one more time. Belle and Leigh made kissy noises and ran towards the stables.

    Darcy turned and yelled after them, "HALT!"

    The girls stopped and slowly turned around. "Yes, Fitzwilliam?" Belle asked sweetly.

    "How did you ladies get here so quickly? I thought I left you at Lockwood."

    Leigh rolled her eyes, "We flew!" When Darcy glared at her, she said, "We rode our horses! How else would we get here?"

    "Did you have a purpose for coming so soon?"

    The sisters grinned at each other mischievously. "Why," Belle exclaimed with wide eyes, "because we missed you of course!" The girls attacked Darcy, giving him hugs and kisses and then ran towards the stables to collect their horses. Darcy could only stare after the retreating sisters.

    Chapter 24

    Posted on Tuesday, 30 November 1999

    Authors' note: We would like to apologize to Edgar Allen Poe and Franky Snotnose--sorry Frank Sinatra--for the use of their creations. We're sure they were never intended to be used in such a manner like we have in this chapter. However we do not apologize to Leonardo Di.. uh whatever his name is. It was done intentionally and with great joy. And we absolutely, positively do not apologize to Miss Bingley. It is our belief she deserves everything she gets! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Happy reading! :-)

    Belle, Leigh, and James rode over to Pemberley early the next morning, arriving just as Bingley's carriage was coming up the drive. It stopped in front of the house, and the passengers alighted. The Ashtons dismounted and Darcy came out to greet everyone. The entire party then went inside the house where Mrs. Reynolds was waiting to show the Bingley's and Hursts to their rooms.

    Darcy detained his sister. "Georgiana, a moment please."

    She turned. "Yes, brother?"

    "Ah… Miss Elizabeth Bennet is staying in Lambton with her aunt and uncle. We happened to meet yesterday when they toured the house. Eliz…er…Miss Bennet expressed her desire to meet you," Darcy said, his face taking on a bright red hue.

    Belle and Leigh grinned expressively and James's eyes sparkled with amusement.

    "Of course," Georgiana replied, "I should like to meet her very much!" She looked in the direction Miss Bingley had gone. "If you would give me a few minutes to change, we can go this morning."

    Darcy smiled a bit foolishly. "Excellent!"

    Georgiana then hurried up to her room. She was anxious to be off before Miss Bingley returned downstairs.

    James stared at his cousin. Wondering who the woman was who could bring such a change in Darcy, he said, "Would you mind if my sisters and I came along, cousin?"

    Bingley was at that moment coming towards them, "Come along to where?" he asked.

    Darcy replied, "Miss Elizabeth Bennet is staying with her aunt and uncle in Lambton. Georgiana, my cousins, and myself are going to pay a visit. Would you like to also?"

    "Miss Elizabeth is here! Wonderful! When do we leave?"

    "As soon as my sister returns."

    A few minutes later, Georgiana was ready. Darcy left word for the Hursts and Miss Bingley, apologizing for their sudden departure but stating they would return soon. Georgiana climbed into the curricle with her brother and the Ashtons and Bingley followed on horseback. Luck was on their side as their departure was yet unnoticed by Miss Bingley.

    The visit went well. Elizabeth, though somewhat flustered, managed to make everyone feel welcome. Darcy, when not staring at her like an idiot, conversed pleasantly with Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner. Georgiana and James were impressed with Miss Elizabeth and looked at each other with knowing grins. Bingley was almost his old jovial self and tried to pump Elizabeth for information about Jane. At her brother's prompting, everyone to dine at Pemberley on the morrow. This was accepted readily by Mrs. Gardiner and the Ashtons. One that delightful note, the visit ended.

    Belle and Leigh, tired of the slow pace Darcy had set on the return home, decided to race back to Pemberley. The astonishment of the rest of the party could hardly be described when the sisters yelled "CHAAAAAAARGE!" and galloped pasted them. The girls were soon out of sight, only the echoes of their maniacal laughter could be heard.

    The women had made it half way to Pemberley when Belle reigned in her horse. Leigh stopped also and turned back to her sister. "What's wrong?" she yelled.

    Belle grimaced and said; "I don't know why we're in such a hurry. The only thing we're headed towards is the orange peacock."

    "I forgot about her," Leigh said, shuddering. "Well, lets wait here for the others."

    After a few minutes of silence, Leigh said, "This is boring. Hey! Let's climb on that rock over there!" Both girls dismounted and walked to the said rock. Leigh climbed on top of it and screamed, "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!"

    Belle giggled, "Whatever Fleaonardo DiCrappio!" She climbed up also and stood next to her sister. "We have conquered the rock. Now what?"

    "Today a rock! Tomorrow the stairs! MUAHAHAHA!" Leigh looked down at the ground. "Hmmmmmm… Mud puddle." She grinned and leaped off the rock and splashed into the puddle. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Come on in Belle! The water's fine! Just be careful of the deep end!"

    Belle jumped in, splashing Leigh in the process. "It lives! Muah!" She started twirling around. "I'M SINGIN' IN THE MUD! JUST SINGIN' IN THE MUD! WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELING, I LOOK LIKE A SPUD!"

    The sisters joined hands and started dancing around in a circle. "RING AROUND THE ROSY, POCKET FULL OF POSIES! ASHES! ASHES! WE ALL FALL DOWN!" Belle and Leigh flung themselves into the mud. They wallowed around, squealing like pigs. At that precise moment their brother, cousins, and Mr. Bingley caught up with them. They gaped at the sisters.

    Belle sat up straight and in a distinguished voice, said, "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? Ewwwwwww…. Grey Poupon?" Her eyes lit up. "THE CRAPPER!"

    "What? What is that I hear? Is that the sound of someone gently crapping, crapping beyond my chamber door?" said Leigh.

    Belle grinned, "Nobody in here but me and the pot!"

    "Pot! DOOBY DOOBY DO! POTHEADS IN THE NIGHT!"

    Both girls giggled and smiled inanely. James, finally gathering his wits about him, dismounted and approached the sisters. He arched an eyebrow. "What do you ladies think you are doing?"

    "Mudbathing!" Belle exclaimed.

    "Yes!" Leigh said. "I hear it is good for the complexion!"

    James shook his head and sighed. "Would you ladies care to join us?"

    "Why of course brother! If you would kindly help us up?" they said grinning wickedly at Darcy.

    "James! Wait!" Darcy exclaimed as James reached out to help his sisters.

    Belle and Leigh stood up regally and arched their eyebrows at Darcy. "Something wrong, cousin?" Leigh asked.

    Darcy turned red. "Uh… I… Nothing! Nothing's wrong!"

    The girls walked over to him and each giving him a muddy embrace. "We're so happy to hear that!" Belle gushed, batting her eyelashes. They walked over to their horses and walked back to Pemberley.

    The next evening after dinner, the entire party gathered in the music room. Georgiana prevailed upon Elizabeth to play the pianoforte. All through her performance, Darcy stared at her, like a lovesick cow. Moo! When she finished, Elizabeth requested Georgiana to play. It took some convincing but the lady consented.

    Leigh's attention was caught by the expression on her brother's face. She nudged Belle with her elbow and whispered, "Belle! Look at James! He has the same expression on his face that Darcy had a few minutes earlier!"

    Belle looked from James to Georgiana. "Hmmmm… I wouldn't be surprised if we get a new sister one of these days. Ahhhh… another innocent lamb to corrupt! Baaaah!"

    Just then Caroline's snide voice could be heard. "Pray Miss Eliza, are the militia still encamped at Meryton?"

    Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably, "No, they are encamped at Brighton for the summer."

    "That must be a great loss to your family," Caroline sneered.

    "We are enduring it as best we can, Miss Bingley."

    "I should have thought one gentleman's absence might have caused particular pains."

    "I can't imagine who you mean."

    Caroline smirked triumphantly, "I understand certain ladies found the society of Mr. Wickham curiously agreeable."

    Georgiana stopped playing at the mention of that man's name. Darcy stood to go to her but Elizabeth made it there first. "I am so sorry! I am neglecting you! How can you play with no one to turn the pages?"

    Darcy settled back into his seat as all three Ashtons glared at Miss Bingley. Darcy was oblivious to her as he and Elizabeth were gazing at each other. The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. Darcy, Bingley, Georgiana, and the Ashtons saw Elizabeth and the Gardiners to their carriage. When they returned to the drawing room, Caroline began a tirade on all of Elizabeth's faults.

    "How very ill Eliza Bennet looked this evening! I have never in my life seen anyone so much altered as she is since the winter."

    Mrs. Hurst nodded, "Quite right, my dear!"

    "She's grown so brown! So coarse! Louisa and I were agreeing we should hardly know her. What do you say Mr. Darcy?"

    Darcy, obviously trying to control his temper, replied, "I noticed no great difference. She is I suppose a little tan, hardly surprising when one travels in the summer."

    Miss Bingley, failing on that point, began to attack Elizabeth's features. Belle and Leigh rolled their eyes and mimicked her word for word. James looked at them curiously but they just smiled at him. Mr. Bingley tried to change the subject but to no avail. Caroline would not be deterred.

    "I remember when we were first in Hertfordshire, how amazed we all were to find her a reputed beauty! I particularly recall you, Mr. Darcy, one night after they had been dining at Netherfield, saying, 'She a beauty! I should as soon call her mother a wit.'" She and Mrs. Hurst cackled while Darcy looked uncomfortable. "But afterwards, she seemed to improve on you. I even believe you thought her rather pretty at one time."

    Darcy, finally fed up with Miss Bingley, replied, "Yes, I did." He turned to Caroline with a triumphant expression, "But that was only when I first knew her. For it has been many months since I have considered her one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance!"

    Miss Bingley looked mortified. Darcy excused himself and stalked out of the room. Caroline opened her mouth to speak but Leigh interrupted her.

    "I do believe we've heard enough of your opinions tonight, Miss Bingley!" she snapped. "I, for one, am quite sick of your snide remarks! You know you disgust everybody by doing that. You're obviously jealous of Elizabeth, and with good reason! You're not going to marry Mr. Darcy so quit deluding yourself. I mean why would he want to marry a vain, selfish, conniving, manipulative, self-centered, witch like you…"

    SMACK!

    Leigh wore a red mark on her face where Caroline had slapped her. Eyes burning with the fires of hell, Leigh said in controlled voice, "Good try, Miss Bingley, but it needs more oomph. Let me show you." With that, Leigh punched her in the face.

    Belle, angry for her sister, stood and said, "No! No no no! You have to get your whole weight behind it. Like THIS!" She punched Caroline in the face a second time causing her to spin and fall on the floor.

    The entire room was deathly quiet. Even Mr. Hurst was shocked out of his drunken stupor. Belle and Leigh sniffed disdainfully, stuck their noses in the air, and stormed out of the room.

    Continued In Next Section

    © 1999 Copyright held by the author.