Section I, Next Section
Part One ~
~Ellie's Story~
Chapter 1
Every dawn on the Kenyan plains, a spectacular and ancient miracle takes place. The darkened horizon begins to glow - almost imperceptibly at first - with a delicate yellow light. Like magic, the glow seems to seep through the sky, slowly spreading warmth and illuminating the world. Conventional time is replaced by a rhythm far more ancient as the sun rises, slipping quickly over the horizon and bathing the endless brown plains with ever-intensifying golden light.
Such pure, soul-cleansing beauty, and me too exhausted even to turn my head. I sat in the dew-wet grass, groaning and swearing softly to myself, with my face buried in my arms and every muscle aching, past caring that the moisture was seeping through my jeans. Jumbled memories of the night I had just spent swam blurred and dark through my sluggish mind - stress, pressure, frustration and exhaustion featuring as common themes throughout.
There was some consolation, at least - the tiny cheetah cub with the broken rib which we had fought so hard to save was sleeping now, and the prognosis was looking good. I don't know how I could have endured it if the little creature had died after all of my desperate efforts.
I was in no mood to look on the bright side, however. When you worked on an under-staffed wildlife reserve, taking a day off was not an option, sleepless night or no. And the early cool of morning was already fading as the dew evaporated in preparation for another scorching day.
"Hey! Ellie!" I recognized the shouting voice as that of Sam Forster, the head ranger on the Reserve, and with a conscious effort I raised my head and looked around. Sam emerged from the small cluster of staff cabins and facilities, and crossed the rough, tawny-grassed ground that separated us. Sam could have been anywhere between 40 and 60. His face was brown and weather-creased, and his squinting blue eyes gave the impression that he was always on the verge of giving you a friendly wink. He was generally slow to anger, but once aroused, his temper was infamous. His work was his great love, and incompetence was his pet hate.
"Morning, Sam," I greeted him with a weary smile as his burly form lumbered up. He didn't smile, but he ruffled my hair in an absent, fatherly sort of way. I bit back a snappy comment, because I knew he didn't mean in it patronisingly, and besides, he was just as tired as I was.
"Ellie," he mumbled, as if the 'morning' part was just too much effort. "Last night was a tough one. You did a good job."
"Thanks." I replied, he just stood there, nearly asleep on his feet. I empathized completely.
"Still no clues as to who shot the mother?" I asked presently.
Sam shook his head dismally. "Not a sausage."
"She was the third this month!" I cried, frustrated.
"I know. And Jonathan tells me the Massais have discovered two more elephants this morning."
"Dead?"
"Of course."
"Poachers?"
"Yep."
"$#!T."
"My sentiments exactly."
I punched the hard brown earth in frustrated fury. I was a vet - my whole life went into saving these lives and yet other members of my race seemed to be killing them off faster than I could heal them. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle - wasting my time.
Sam seemed to understand, although I made no attempt to voice my feelings. He sighed. "Yeah, we all feel a bit like that sometimes." I didn't look at him. He sighed again.
"Well, I guess it must be about time for you to get off your butt and hit the road."
I groaned, and recalled with a renewed wave of exhaustion that this was the morning I was supposed to drive to the DC's office in town - four horrible hours away by ute - and pick up some American student who had arranged to study at the Kalerian wildlife reserve station. We were in desperate need of qualified staff. I working on the station because of my veterinary qualifications, and this student was supposed to have some experience in the handling of African big game.
I was stuck with the job of picking him up because I was the only member of staff with a car capable of making the journey there and back without breaking down.
It was soon after the rains, and as I rattled my way into the main street of town I was feeling grimly grateful that I had gotten myself bogged only twice on the way. Usually I managed a much higher figure.
I marched into the D.C.'s official quarters caked with mud, muscles aching and my head throbbing with heat and weariness. I was met with the unhesitating white smile of Charlie, the D.C.'s native secretary-cum-assistant, and I was shown straight to the office.
I stood in the open doorway. No one noticed me straight away, so I snatched a few minutes to compose myself before I announced my presence.
Lucas, the well-meaning, if rather pompous District Commissioner, was seated at his desk, and was just going over the staff list at the wild life reserve with a dark-haired young man who sat with his back to me.
The young man caught my attention immediately, and I noted his broad shoulders and straight back appreciatively. You don't get out much when you live 600km from the nearest metropolis.
Suddenly, the man interrupted Lucas in a voice not as deep as I had expected, but with an attractive and pleasantly fluid accent.
Lucas had just reached my name on his list.
"Elizabeth Benson? Elizabeth?" He spoke incredulously, with just the faintest hint of amusement. "They have women working out here?"
Lucas did not respond, but his face turned a little red and his eyes bulged in apprehension. He had noticed me in the doorway, and he knew my pet-hates - and my temper - only too well. I was struggling to keep my rage contained.
"Gnh - " managed Lucas.
"I mean, what can a female do in a place like this?" The stranger continued, oblivious. "Oh, I respect women's rights and all, but surely this is not a place for weaknesses. An organization that performs such a grueling role in such a harsh country as this has no room for femininity."
To my surprise, my voice was diffused with sweetness as I took advantage of the ensuing pause in conversation.
"Good afternoon, Lucas. Pray introduce me to this budding young intellect, with his fascinating opinions on the role of women in contemporary Africa."
The young man started and turned around. I was too angry to appreciate his arresting physical attractiveness, but I noticed with satisfaction that he at least had the grace to blush.
He stood up hastily and offered me his hand.
"Will Darcy," his voice was calm and friendly, despite his embarrassment. "Pleased to meet you."
I gripped the proffered hand so hard that I heard some of the bones crack.
"Ellie Benson," I responded, "The Kalerian wildlife reserve's resident useless female."
Lucas gulped, and tried to put on a cheerful face. He succeed in looking remarkably like a discomforted fish.
"Well, Mr. Darcy and I were just finishing up, Ellie, so if you like, I'll call Charlie, and he'll help you get Mr. Darcy's gear into your ute."
We made our way back onto the street where Charlie had already arranged Will's luggage. I stepped forward to take the largest trunk and pack it first, when Will moved in front of me and suggested that I let him take it.
I cut him off with icy sarcasm.
"Oh that's right, I keep on forgetting that I'm an incapacitated woman. Well thank you kindly for your attentions, good sir, but I can bloody well do without them."
He backed off without a word, and I heaved the case into the ute. A tiny part of me regretted speaking so harshly, but there was nothing to be done now. I got behind the wheel and Will climbed into the passenger seat.
We drove back to the camp in silence.
And so it began.
Chapter 2
The horizon was burning up. Orange light flared across the deepening dusk, but the heat of the day was fading by very gradual, almost imperceptible degrees, as the sweltering air was soothed by a light cool breeze.
I stood outside what we laughingly call the Research Lab, (it was really just a small demountable), and let the basketball in my hands drop, then rebound off the hard ground back to my fingertips. The dull, heavy beat of the pounding ball was somehow soothing to me. Every now and then I paused to take aim, and potted the ball in an old rusting hoop which some member of the camp staff had mounted on the outer Lab wall one year. I was grateful to him, whoever he was.
I usually liked these times. The Lab was a little removed from the central cluster of buildings on the Reserve, and all the busy clangs and voices of the camp were slightly muffled, becoming nothing more than a comforting murmur in the distance.
The ball thudded again.
Lately, however, it seemed like the troubles of the world were falling on my shoulders. The escalating crisis with the poachers, for example. And the finances of the Reserve. That wasn't going to be such a problem anymore, I reminded myself, but I bit my lip and wondered briefly whether the price being paid for that financial security wasn't too high.
I took another shot at the goal. It rattled the hoop, but missed. I retrieved the ball and went into a brief shooting/rebounding frenzy, letting the quick expenditure of energy clear my mind of all the gnawing worries. It had been a tough few days.
A sudden voice behind me and I spun around, clutching the ball. No one had ever disturbed me here before, but even so, I surprised myself with the highly-strung nature of my own reaction. I hadn't realised my nerves were so taut.
It was Will Darcy, dressed in clean jeans and a white shirt, obviously straight from a shower. His tousled curls were still damp and I could just sense the cool scent of his aftershave. For a moment, the scent cast a wave of dizziness over me, but I blinked quickly and the sensation disappeared. My eyes flicked over man opposite me once more. He was, in short, the perfect opposite to me - I was still dressed in my grubby work jeans and an old green shirt, my face flushed from my exercise. For some reason, it rankled that he should see me like this while he stood there looking like a damn model in a magazine shoot. What was he doing there anyway? Probably making a critique on my playing style, knowing him.
I was tired, and not thinking terribly clearly. Some childish part of me was angry that he should have the audacity to invade my personal space during my personal time. Especially looking like that when I was feeling insecure enough already. Bloody inconsiderate!
Over the two and a half years I had been on the Reserve, I had somehow come to claim this time and this place as mine and mine alone, and the rest of the staff had come to know it and respect it. Of course, Will had no way of knowing that. Anyway, with all factors combined, the look I gave him was most decidedly hostile.
He met my cold stare without a flicker, and I'm sure I saw the corner of his mouth lift, just for a moment, as he calmly accepted the challenge I was offering.
"You're pretty good," he commented, impervious to the look in my eye and smiling.
Flattery will get you nowhere, I thought, determined to resist the charm he was radiating from every pore. I turned back to the hoop and took another shot. Perfect goal.
"For a girl, I guess I am." I replied coolly, to show him that I was certainly not willing to forget what he had said when we had first met.
I felt some muscles in my shoulders tense as I waited for an affronted remark, or perhaps a startled silence. To my surprise, all I heard was a low chuckle. "Yeah," he agreed, and I could hear the smile in his voice, "For a girl, you're not too bad at all."
Shocked, I turned back to face him again. His face was quite serious, but his eyes were laughing at me! Incensed, I bounced the ball at him as hard as I could, and he caught it easily.
"OK, you're on," I said sharply, "One on one. Prove yourself."
He looked from me to the ball in his hands, then back again. Then he shrugged, and stepped forward.
Suddenly we were on. The moment he began to play, the energy started crackling between us. In the first few minutes he surprised me by taking three goals before I managed any, but as I warmed to his style, I was soon gaining on his score. For a while we were battling on even, both intensely seeking the upper hand. It was just a game, but for Will and I, it quickly became more than a game, as if we each had something to prove to each other.
Half an hour later, the fiery orange sunset had faded into a blend of dark, bruised purples and reds, and it was too dark to play anymore.
For a moment or two, we both collapsed against the Lab wall, catching our breaths. As soon as I could speak, and with more than a little triumph in my voice, I informed him of the score.
"38 to 34, Darcy. I win."
He looked up, then leaned over and shook me by the hand. "Congratulations," he said sincerely, "It was a good game. I hope we can play again sometime." Then he collapsed back against the Lab wall and looked out at the brightening stars.
I regarded him with a strange mixture of admiration and annoyance. I had wanted something more than that. I wanted to prove to him that I was equal to, if not better than him, and that being a woman did not make me any less capable in my job. Had I really expected that winning a basketball game could prove all of that? It didn't seem to mean anything to him at all.
I bit my lip, then stood up hurriedly. "Good night, Will Darcy."
He was sitting comfortably now, his hands linked behind his head as he leaned against the wall and watched the sky. His gaze flicked back to my face as I spoke, and I turned to walk away.
"Good night," he said replied easily, and I was certain I could feel his warm, laughing eyes boring into my back as I made my rather stiff retreat. When I snatched a look back over my shoulder, however, I saw that his attention had turned back the stars, glittering ever more brilliantly in the darkening night sky.
Chapter 3
One evening, about a week after Will's arrival, I knocked on the door of Sam Forster's little office and let myself in, only to find him at sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. His elbows, I noted, were resting on the Reserve's financial accounts, open on the desktop.
"Sam! Are you OK?" My voice seemed to wake him out of his reverie. He looked up.
"Ah, Ellie," he said, and tried to give me one of his old smiles, but once again, the effort fell flat. "Is there anything you wanted?"
"Oh, just something about the Stable arrangements, it's not important... Sam, is something the matter?"
He opened his mouth and took in a breath to lie, then released it, perceiving from my expression that I was not about to be fobbed off with a half-hearted fib. "Things aren't too good, El." He told me wearily, "If we can't convince the government to help us - even a little - with funding this place, then I'm afraid we may have to start laying people off."
I was shocked. "Laying people off?! But we're so short of man-power as it is!"
Sam nodded. I wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know.
I hesitated. "Sam..." He looked at me, expectant. "Sam, you shouldn't worry so much. If certain promises are made good on... Well, let's just say things should get better. A lot better."
Sam looked torn. "Are you sure you know what you're doing, Ellie? It's a pretty dangerous game you're playing."
I nodded with a firmness I did not feel. "I love this place as much as you do, Sam." I told him softly, "And besides, it's not as though I don't - "
The phone on Sam's desk buzzed shrilly, cutting me off. So I just smiled reassuringly, and left him to his caller. I stepped outside and blinked in the bright midday sunshine, then I made my way toward the Stables, on the far side of the station.
We called it the Stables, which had struck me as a very strange name when I first arrived. 'The Stables' sounded so English, so "country manor"-ish. The big old barn-like structure in the middle of the African savanna could not have made a more contrary statement.
Inside the old building it was much cooler, and dimly lit. The shadows were deep and velvety, and never threatening. I had sat many long vigils on the floor of the Stables, often right through the night. It was divided into many stalls of varying size, and in these stalls were placed any animals being held for research or treatment. At this time of day, thin bands of dusty yellow sunlight streamed through gaps in the slats, and most of the animals slept.
I shut the door quietly behind me, and made my way carefully up the aisle, seeking the final stall - the one which held our fast-growing cheetah cub. She had rewarded all my hard work ten fold by proving that not only was she ready to fight for her recovery, but she had a gorgeous personality.
I reached the stall I had sought, and my fingers found the latch on the gate. I swung it open, and stepped into the shadowy recess.
When I realised I was not alone, I could not contain a startled gasp.
Will looked up at me from his seat in the corner of the stall. In his lap lay the cub, sprawled on her back and purring blissfully, a sound rather like a domestic cat on steroids. Will smiled.
"Hello, Ellie," he said softly, as if the kit were a sleeping baby he might disturb if he raised his voice too loud.
"What are you doing here?" I blurted out, then blushed at my unnecessary rudeness. I couldn't help it. Will Darcy disconcerted me, and I didn't like it one bit.
Ever patient, Will only smiled again. "I'm becoming acquainted with my work mates. Most of the two-legged ones seem very agreeable, and I'm beginning to like the ones on four legs just as much."
"Most of the two-legged ones?" I had to ask.
His eyes sparkled at me in the darkness. "I'm working on it." His attention dropped back to the pathetically blissful bundle of straw-coloured fur in his lap. "Does she have a name?" He asked.
"Spritz," I answered shortly, wondering what excuse I could use to escape from his company. How had he got Spritz to sleep in his lap like that, anyway? Before now, she had only ever trusted me. Hmph.
"What happened to her?"
"Her mum was shot by poachers. We found her with a broken rib after we disturbed hyenas who had found the abandoned den of cubs. She was the only one out of a litter of six that survived."
Will seemed surprised. "Abandoned, attacked by hyenas and left with a broken rib? She survived all that? She must have had a good carer. I didn't know we employed anyone full-time for that sort of job."
"We don't. I operated on the rib, and I raised her."
He frowned. "You? But you've got a full-time job on your hands just around the Reserve! A cub like this is like a baby!"
I shrugged, and unconsciously ran a tired hand over my eyes in remberance of all the nights of broken sleep, and exhaustingly full days. "I raised Spritz. Someone had to care for her. So I did."
"That's pretty impressive."
"Yes it is, especially considering the handicap of my gender."
Damn. Why couldn't I just let that issue go? It was so childish of me to keep throwing it back in his face like this. We didn't get along, so fine, leave it at that. It was so unlike me to hold on to a grudge like this. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand anything about me anymore.
For the first time, Will exhibited just a tiny bit of discomfort. "Yes," he cleared his throat slightly. "I don't think I ever apologised properly for that original comment. It got us off to a pretty bad start."
"Ding, that's correct, but I'm sorry, there's no cash prize."
Will gave a low whistle. "Sarcastic little soul, aren't we?"
I put my hands on my hips, ready to blast him for that comment too. Just in time, I got a hold on myself. What was I doing? OK, so I was having a difficult time right now, but what right did I have to take it all out on Will Darcy? After all, I hardly knew the guy. He deserved a second chance.
I let out the breath I had taken, and slid down the opposite wall of the stall. "Sorry," I said humbly, "You must think I'm an utter bitch. I'm not usually like this. It's just that I - " I stopped myself quickly, and put a hand to my forehead, then let it drop and turned my gaze to Will. I smiled at him in the darkness. "Anyway, like I said, I'm sorry too. We'll have to work together quite a lot in the future, and we all have to do our best to get along. I hope we can be friends."
"Yeah. Yes, I hope so too." There was a funny tilt in his voice, but when I looked up I could see no trace of it on his face.
"So, Ellie," he continued, the humour having returned to his voice, "Where are you from?"
And so I started to tell him all about my family in Australia, and about how I ended up in Africa. He listened, then told me something of his childhood in America, and how he learned his love of animals off his father, who had lived just long enough to see his son enter the kind of profession he would have loved to have taken on himself.
To my delight, I discovered I could make him laugh almost as much as he could me. For a good hour, we managed to avoid argument through animated conversation. Inevitably, however, the tension returned.
"Do you enjoy your job?" It was a harmless question.
"Yes, most of the time," I laughed, "But there are always times when the going gets really tough that I curse the day I decided to become a vet."
"You do an incredible job, but how do you cope with the really heavy labour?"
My smile dropped away. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, handling the really big game; lifting; carrying. The really manual stuff."
"OK, so we're back to this," I said slowly, keeping a very close reign on my temper, "I concede that on a scale of sheer brute strength, a man might have a small advantage over me..."
"But that's almost all there is out here," he interrupted, "Brute strength pitted against brute strength. Sun. Dirt. Sweat." He shook his head. "I'm sorry if I offend you. I respect women - my mother was stronger than my dad in a lot of ways - but I still believe that this line of work is just incompatible with a woman's constitution."
I couldn't believe I was hearing him right. "A woman's constitution?" I echoed, incredulous. "What, do you think I'll faint in the heat, or cry if I break a nail, or require smelling salts if a lion bares its teeth at me? What are you trying to say?"
"Just what I have said: that in my experience, for all their competence in other areas, women just don't fulfill the same role out in this type of country that a man could in the same position."
I pushed myself into a standing position and stalked to the doorway. A small voice in my head warned my that I was probably over-reacting again, but I didn't care. I turned back, my voice shaking with anger. "If I were a man, I suppose I'd have to hit you for that. That'd be tough. That'd be a fine display of that testosterone-soaked brute strength you seem to think so essential to everyday survival out here. But I'm not a man, so I'll pass on that option. You are quick to offer friendship, I notice, but I think you should work a little harder at keeping it. All that I'm going to do is tell you what a pity it is that you feel the way you do. If it weren't for that one tragic flaw in your personality, you might almost have qualified as a reasonable person. What a shame. Good bye, Will Darcy!"
And as the latch clicked shut behind me, I felt all of the anger I had felt just a moment before drain away, and I put my face in my hands.
So much for making an effort to get along!
But there was something undefinable about Will Darcy that made me just a little bit afraid. Of him or of myself? That, I did not know.
Chapter 4
It seems that whenever I manage to establish myself with any kind of dignity, something happens to tear my carefully constructed facade into shreds. It would have been unrealistic to expect anything different in the case of Will Darcy.
The Kalerian Wildlife Reserve was quite large, even relatively speaking. Yet our camp station was disproportionately small, and ridiculously under-staffed. Thus, when Sam called a general meeting and presented us with a new Patrol roster, I bit back my exclamations at being partnered with Will Darcy. Just my luck, I thought, but I didn't want to draw attention to the strained relations between myself and the new man. What if someone was to guess... I bit my lip, and sat tight.
Yet I couldn't resist snatching a quick look to see what Will's reaction was to the announcement. Unfortunately, he caught my glance and threw me a mock salute, accompanied by a teasing smile. I quickly averted my gaze, then wished I hadn't. Damn it!
And so it was written: Ellie and Will, first Patrol, Eastern Quarter, Friday the eleventh.
I was up at dawn, wanting to be the first to the ute - the assigned meeting point for Patrol. As I approached the old vehicle, however, I saw through the thinning early morning mists that someone was already there and waiting for me. I paused and swore softly. There was nothing to do but to lift my chin and keep walking. I would just have to get through it.
Will climbed behind the wheel of the ute. I decided not to question it, and accordingly positioned myself in the passenger seat.
The purpose of the routine Patrol was basically a weekly check up, making sure that all was as it should be on the Reserve. The standard route for the Eastern Quarter was a winding dirt road that carved a dusty path through the savannas all the way to the outer boundary, marked by the Husani water falls. The Reserve was too big to tour everything in one day, so Sam divided it into quarters and they were checked in a random order.
I was concentrating on the grasslands we passed, looking for signs of an injured or diseased animal that could be treated, or for any signs of human interference that should not have been present - that is, poachers.
The rough, muddy roads combined with the roar of the diesel engine made conversation impossible, but after about two hours of bumping and sliding around inside the violently vibrating ute, Will suddenly slammed on the brakes.
Unprepared for the sudden halt, I was thrown forward and bumped my forehead against the dashboard. I directed a death-stare in his direction, but it was a wasted effort because he was already clambering out of the cab.
Alarmed, I followed suit, and ran to catch up with him. He had stopped at the foot of a large clump of shrubbery, and was crouching to examine something that looked like a large lump of grey rock, partially hidden by the long grass. Moving closer, I saw that the rock was moving slightly, and when it released a throaty squeal I recognised it for what it was: a newborn white rhino, one of the rarest of all Africa's big game.
My first reaction was one of excited wonder, which was quickly replaced by concern that the baby was not moving away from us - perhaps it was injured somehow. But an answering bellow from the shrubbery wiped my mind of all these reflections as I realised that Mama was obviously not far away, and there are few creatures quite as maternally protective as the mother rhino.
"Will!" I screamed, although he needed no warning. He backed away from the bushes so fast that he stumbled and fell on his back, just as the mother's hulking grey form came charging into view in defence of her baby.
"Stay down, stay down!!" I cried. I was further away from the furious rhino than Will, and had some chance of a get-away, while any move from him would see him impaled on the creature's tusk, or trampled by under its fatal bulk. Picking up on my voice, the rhino ignored Will's unmoving form and turned toward me.
Living in Africa and working as a vet had taught me one or two things about the native wildlife, and one thing I had had impressed on me a thousand times was never to annoy a buffalo, a bull elephant or a rhino - but rhinos especially. They are temperamental, unpredictable, violent, insecure and almost blind. They are also impossibly fast on their feet when the need arises.
Before the mother rhino even began her furious charge, I turned on my heel and started to sprint for the ute. Suddenly it seemed a very long way away. The earth was vibrating under my feet, and I knew the lumbering beast must be gaining on me. I could hear its laboured breathing right behind me, and even as I threw myself behind the car I was expecting to feel its horn pierce my back.
For a moment I lay in the grass, stunned to find myself still in one piece. The momentum of the rhino had carried her some distance past me, but she had not given up and was slowing down to turn back for another pass.
Fear spurred me into action once more, and I scrambled to my feet, wrenched open the cab door, and started the ignition before I was even inside. Again the ground was shaking, the grey bulk was looming... Shoving the engine into first gear, I slammed my foot down on the accelerator and the car roared forward out of the path of the charging rhino.
She wheeled after me, but the change in direction cost her much momentum. Thwarted for the second time, the rhino seemed to reconsider her options. I stopped the ute and watched her carefully, hoping she would decide to call it a draw and return to her calf, when I remembered with a shock that Will was still in danger of re-igniting the mother's rage. My heart was pounding as my eyes left the recovering rhino for a moment to scan the grass near the bushes for any sign of my companion.
The passenger door clicked open and I jumped, every nerve taught.
Will grinned boyishly from the seat beside me. "Nice moves back there, partner. Let's not hang around though, huh? This party's getting rough."
I was still in shock, but I found myself grinning back. I sensed immediately that the last few minutes had subtly altered something of the rivalry present in our relationship.
"For once I agree with you," I shouted over the noise of the engine as we roared away, "But you do realise, don't you, that partners are equals in all situations?"
His grin disappeared and he met my gaze seriously.
"Yes. I realise that." There was a small pause before he added: "Thank you." And I knew he meant it.
I smiled at him, and he returned my smile. My heart lurched, and for the first time it struck me right to core just how good-looking he really was. Blind to things right in front of my eyes, I pondered. What an effect our emotions have over the truth. I was not yet able to appreciate the irony of my own thoughts.
Chapter 5
And I had been lonely. I just hadn't recognised it until now. At the Station I was surrounded by friends, but they were more like an extended family of uncles than anything else. But now there was Will, and he was anything but avuncular! He was lively and active and fun to be around. He helped me and laughed with me, and understood what I meant when I said I was sad to miss the social life being enjoyed by my old school friends back in Australia. Every day was that little bit brighter because he was there. We were mates. And that's all we are, I reassured myself, lying awake in bed some nights, We're just good friends.
Unfortunately, this Utopic truce could not last forever. To explain the circumstances of our second break-down, I must introduce Jason de Bourgh.
Jason was the richest man under thirty in all of East Africa. Jason was the most handsome and sought-after bachelor in eight countries. Jason was an up-and-coming political prodigy.
And Jason was the man who had paid for the ring that I wore on my engagement finger.
I had been doing some very heavy work during the first weeks of the rainy season - it was always a busy time of year on the plains. It was also a very dirty time of year, during which mud infiltrated every aspect of camp life. This was why I had not worn my engagement ring while working around the station. But when Jason made one of his rare and brisk phone calls to say that he would be arriving at the reserve within the next twenty four hours for a quick 'stop over', I was careful to slip it on in the morning.
The diamond was huge - so large I was sometimes a little embarrassed by it. But as I approached the mess hut for breakfast that morning, I was beset by confusion as I realised suddenly that I did not want Will to see it. Another thought struck me. Will had become practically my best friend over the past month. I had done everything with him, told him my whole life story... And yet I had never once mentioned Jason. How could that never once have come up? So strange. So very strange. I pushed the inexplicable notion away, and joined the camp staff at the long, cluttered table.
I smiled my greetings, and took a place opposite and slightly to the left of Will. He saw me come in and nodded his acknowledgment.
"Will you come out to the back-sheds with me today?" He inquired casually, some minutes after I sat down. "There's some things I need to do out there. Some elephants have been causing damage to the water tanks again. I think your advice might come in handy."
"Come on, you can say it," I teased, "Admit it: you haven't got a clue about plumbing and you're scared witless of elephants, so you need to drag some extraordinarily talented individual along with you. I know the truth."
Will grinned, and joined in the game. "OK, OK, you caught me out. But I'm having terrible difficulties locating any extraordinarily talented individuals around here, so in the end I just had to resort to - " he broke off in mid-sentence. I traced his gaze and realised it was trained on my hand, which was resting lightly on the table top. Or to be more accurate, on the ring which glittered ostentatiously in the morning light. I tucked my hand away in flustered embarrassment.
With unlucky timing, Benjamin, an experienced tracker and handy-man about the camp, chose just that moment to call out down the table: "And how is that young man of yours, Ellie?"
Feeling slightly ill for no clear reason, I cleared my throat and made myself speak.
"He's just fine, Ben. He'll be here today, in fact. You'll get to meet him."
"And how long you been engaged for now? When exactly are you two getting hitched, may I ask?"
I risked a look at Will, still feeling incredibly reluctant to talk about Jason in front of him. He was still staring at the same place the ring had been. His face was completely blank.
"Two months, Ben," I hesitated, then added, "Probably."
And that was that. I left the table without eating.
Will did not mention the water tanks again.
Chapter 6
Jason arrived that day, right on one PM and by helicopter, no less.
The entire camp staff gathered to see the chopper land, holding on to hats and breathing through cloth to filter the dust that was stirred up by the whirring blades. I sensed Will's gaze on me from where I stood, but I could not bring myself to look at him. Would he be angry that I had not told him about Jason? How could he not be? I should have said something, I should have explained about Jason. Explained what? Why did I feel I had to justify Jason to Will? Thankfully, I was saved from my own reflections by the noisy proximity of the landing chopper.
As it landed, a man in a smart-casual grey suit jumped down from the cabin. He was actually wearing a suit in the middle of the African savanna. I couldn't believe it... and yet somehow, I wasn't terribly surprised either.
I stepped forward as the roar of the helicopter engines faded. I was dressed in jeans and a tailored white blouse. I had thought it quite appropriate for the occasion and I hoped fervently that Jason would approve. He was very particular about appearances. I had tied my hair back from my face, conscious that Jason didn't like my wild brown curls 'all about my face'. All I could see from the corner of my eye was my ring, flashing and glittering tauntingly in the sunlight.
Every time I saw Jason de Bourgh, it was as if I was seeing him for the first time. Whenever we parted, I could never quite remember what he looked like until I saw him again. This occasion was no different - it was with mild surprise that I absorbed the image of an immaculate man of medium height, slim and very blonde. He slid off dark, expensive glasses as he approached, and slipped them into the top inside pocket of his jacket.
When he stood in front of me, he took both my hands in his, and kissed them both in a manner that seemed ridiculously formal. I tried not to show my discomfort. He then leaned forward and kissed me chastely on the cheek. I smiled uncertainly, and he returned one of his own cool blue-eyed smiles that so excited the women of his general acquaintance. A brief image of sparkling brown eyes filled my sight, but I just as quickly blinked it away and allowed myself to be lead over to the camp staff, who were quite eager to be introduced to the Jason de Bourgh, a man who was practically a celebrity in their country.
Will's Story
I watched the 'happy couple' as they moved amongst the small crowd, accepting the congratulations and holding hands. Ellie I observed most closely. She certainly smiled a lot, and laughed where she was supposed to, but I was sure that the humour never once touched her eyes. Just for a moment, I saw her look around and she caught my gaze. Her lips parted as if there was something she wanted to say, but the very next moment her attention was demanded by the man beside her.
So what the hell was going on?
Ellie's Story
He was angry with me - I suppose I should have expected that. It was well within his rights to be angry. As my friend, my engagement was something he should have known about. I had always meant to tell him. How had it never come up in conversation? Well, I would just have to apologise when I got the chance. For some reason, my gut clenched in apprehension of the confrontation.
Jason's hand felt cool in mine. He always felt cool. It was very hot out in the midday sunshine, but he didn't seem to notice - he was not even sweating. Why am I picking up on these things? Somehow, I felt so distanced from all of this. It was not really me on the arm of the handsome young politician with the ice-blue eyes, and it was some other girl who was wearing his ring. I was smiling and playing the happy fiancee so naturally that I was impressing myself with my easy deception. As if I were watching everything happen from the outside.
Sam stepped forward for an introduction. I knew he would be watching me closely, so I shook off my strange mood, and tried to concentrate on Jason.
Because I loved Jason. I did.
We had met eight months ago, at a convention for the Conservation of the African Grasslands. Nervous about the speech I had been asked to give after the dinner, I stood on the sidelines of the pre-dinner drinks and dancing, clutching a champagne glass and talking sporadically with a rather slimy young man who unfortunately seemed to have taken a liking to me. I was quite unprepared, but pathetically grateful when we were approached by the handsome young politician, the main celebrity of the night. He introduced himself (although he must have known that we already knew exactly who he was), smiled a charming smile, and with a perfect Eton accent he asked me to dance. Naturally, I fell willingly into his arms.
I told him about my work back on the Reserve and he seemed very genuinely concerned with my cause. He told me all about his party's policy for environment action, and I was enthralled. He was a champion of my cause.
That was the beginning. He asked me out again, and I lengthened my stay in Nairobi to comply. He behaved just like a fairytale knight - chivalrous and charming in every respect. Not to mention handsome and rich. The glitter and swirl of his luxurious way of life was a complete novelty for me, and very seductive, but that was not what won me over.
Over intimate candle-lit dinners, he would listen and ask questions as I told him all about the position I filled at the Kalerian Reserve, and my idealistic motives of healing sick animals and conserving the endangered species. He would nod understandingly, then explain again what a difference his party would make to my cause once he was elected. I felt like we were sharing a dream.
And then suddenly, on the night before I was finally due to return to my job on the Kalerian Reserve, Jason turned to me and asked why we shouldn't get married. Momentarily confused, I could only reply, rather stupidly - "What?"
When he explained it, everything sounded very reasonable. I was quite a high-profile conservationist now. He was a very strong supporter of my cause, and our marriage could only re-enforce our stand in the eyes of the world. And now that I had shown him just how much the wildlife parks were suffering from a lack of funding, he was quite prepared to invest some substantial donations in them himself, once we were married.
He filled my head with all the dreams we had dreamed, explaining how we could achieve them together, but something was missing. I felt like a wet teenager when I turned to him asked, "But Jason... Do you love me?"
He gave me a look that was at first surprised, and then indulgent. "Of course I love you, Eliza. And you love me." And that was that. The ring was quickly procured, and he saw me off at the airport the next morning. I returned to the Kalerian Reserve with my head spinning and my hand weighed down by a diamond, a sort of promise of what was to come.
Chapter 7
As the minutes ticked by, I was both longing for and dreading the end of those ghastly introductions. I could immediately perceive that everyone present was completely charmed by Jason's style and confidence, which he balanced skillfully with a carefully perfected "I'm-still-one-of you" approach. He seemed to know just how to behave toward different types of company in order to get them on his side. I guess that's what made him such a good politician, but the whole affair made me feel slightly ill. Every time I saw him playing a different part, I was more confused. Everything he did, he wore a mask. It was falsity, it was deception. How was I supposed to know what he was really like? Was my fairytale knight just another role he played to get what he wanted? I felt a headache coming on, but on the outside, my bright smile never faltered.
At least, not until we reached the last man waiting patiently for an introduction.
"Will!" My glass-smile shattered, and Jason looked at me inquiringly.
"That was a most unusual introduction, my dear," he said, with a hint of amusement and perhaps something else as well. I looked up at him, and quickly replaced my smile, determined not to blush and embarrass myself still further.
"Yes, I'm sorry," I gave a little laugh, which was very unlike me, "It's just that... I wasn't expecting to see him." I glared at Will, blaming him for my sudden discomposure. "I thought you were going to be out at the back-sheds today, Mr. Darcy."
Will met my gaze with a blank expression that was completely inscrutable. "And miss meeting the Jason be Bourgh, Miss Benson? You can't be serious."
I gave him a sharp look. Surely that was sarcasm, but his face was enigmatic and his tone quite sincere. And he had already turned to offer his hand to Jason.
"Good to meet you, Mr. de Bourgh, and congratulations on your engagement." He did not look at me. "I hope you'll be able to achieve at least a moderate degree of happiness together."
And then he excused himself on the grounds of some urgent task, and was gone again. I stared after him, trying to understand his strange behaviour. Were we all playing games?
Jason followed my gaze, then squeezed my hand a little tighter. "What a strange young man," he commented, as he led me away, "Friend of yours?"
I was still looking over my shoulder to watch Will walk behind a building and out of sight, my brow furrowed in confusion. "What? Oh, yes. He's a friend. At least, I thought he was..."
Jason laughed, a short, patronising sound. "Poor boy," he commented, "Probably had a crush on you. He didn't know you were engaged, did he?"
My gaze shot back to Jason, my face reflecting all my surprise. "A crush? On me? Will?" I shook my head emphatically. "I doubt it!" Then another thought occurred to me. "How did you know that I didn't tell him about our engagement?" And why is it always 'our engagement' and never 'us'? And why can't I stop thinking like this?
"Lucky guess." He replied. That amused lilt with the hard edge was still present in his voice.
We walked on, hand-in-hand, engaging in neutral chit-chat. Presently, Jason remembered to compliment on my appearance. I blushed a little, inordinately pleased by the scrap of praise. Suddenly, he caught me around the shoulders and pulled me to face him. Before I could ask what the matter was, his lips were pressed down hard on mine. I was surprised to say the least, but I let him kiss me. He was quite good at it, after all.
Finally, he broke away, and as I opened my eyes, I caught his gaze fix upon something behind me, and he gave a quick, tight little smile. I looked over my shoulder, but saw nothing. I gave him a questioning glance, but he just took my hand again and patted it in a reassuring sort of way.
"Eliza," he began, but I interrupted him.
"Ellie."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Ellie. Not Eliza."
"I like Eliza. It's more dignified."
I frowned, but let him continue.
"Eliza, we really ought to discuss arrangements for after our marriage."
I was confused. "What arrangements?"
"Well, what to do about your job here, for a start."
"What about my job?"
"Well, it isn't very befitting of the wife of this country's next Prime Minister, is it? Certainly, you can continue to support the organisation here, but I really think it's time that you stopped playing about. Come to Europe with me on my next trip. My mother is quite insistent about meeting you before the wedding. She can't understand why I've let you carry on with all this animal business for as long as I have, but of course, she doesn't understand you like I do."
I had stopped walking. When I spoke, the words emerged very slowly. "What are you saying, Jason? What do you mean, 'Playing about'? You want me to abandon everything I've done here, on the Reserve I love, doing the work I've always dreamed of doing, making a difference to the world..." My voice accelerated out of control. "...So that I can go the cities and meet your mother and learn how to serve cucumber sandwiches to other politicians' spoilt society wives? Is that it? I can't do that, Jason! It would kill me! You must know me well enough to know that!"
Jason blinked, as if my outburst had been entirely unexpected and unreasonable. "Eliza, darling, you must admit that it is quite impossible for you to stay out here. I should have thought that quite obvious to you from the moment you agreed to become my wife."
"No it was not obvious to me! I never even considered giving up my work here! I love this Reserve, Jason, and I love what I do here! You can't take that away from me!"
Jason regarded me coolly, then reached out and touched my face very gently. "But if you don't get those funds, dear," he said softly, "There won't be a Reserve."
For a moment I stood completely still, unable to move as the words impacted on my mind. Suddenly I stepped backwards. "Why are you doing this?" I whispered.
He did a remarkable job of looking as though he did not understand me. "Doing what?"
"This... blackmail! Jason!" I ran a frantic hand through my hair and tore out the band which held it back. "Look at me! I'm not beautiful! I'm not dignified! I would make a terrible politician's wife! Why are you marrying me? What is it you want from me, Jason?"
"Ellie, Ellie, sweetheart, calm down..." He spoke soothingly, and though I resisted at first, he took me into his arms. I put my head on his shoulder, but refused to cry. "No body's blackmailing anybody," he whispered comfortingly into my hair, "Where did you get that word? I want to marry you because I love you, darling. Isn't that a good enough reason? And you must understand that there has to be some sort of compromise between us. I understand that you have your cause to work for here, but you could do so much more good if you sent cheques rather than staying here and working while you watch everything you work for collapse from lack of funds. See? If we get married, everything works out great for everyone. Now let's not have any more outbursts. I suppose it's just pre-wedding nerves, wouldn't that be right dear?"
I nodded dumbly, then smiled, breathing a shaky inward sigh of relief. Jason loved me. He always put things into back into a reasonable perspective. I put all of the worries that had been nagging at me these past few weeks out of my mind. Everything would turn out fine, because Jason was here, and he was capable. He would make sure that everything was fine.
"Now then, why don't you put that hair back up and we'll go and see that lion cub you told me about."
"Cheetah..."
"Yes, that's what I meant. Come along."
I went.
Chapter 8
Jason spent the night, and left early the next morning. He was already up and dressed when I sleepily opened my eyes, and sat up in bed.
He gave an affectionate farewell, but did not wait for me to dress and see him off properly. He explained that he was very busy, and assured me he would be back to see me again as soon as he could.
I went to breakfast alone.
As I stepped into the mess hall, my gaze flicked quickly over the rows of familiar faces. I realised suddenly that I was looking for Will. He was no where in sight.
All that day, I went about my work with half my mind trying to adjust to the idea of leaving it all behind. Would I be able to make the break? My throat constricted at the thought of it. But Jason is right, I reminded myself firmly. I could do so much more good from the city by raising funds, as the wife of the influential politician, than I could out here sweating on a Station that won't even be able to afford to pay its staff if I stay.
The other half of my mind was worrying about Will. Was he avoiding me? It would appear so. I really should seek him out and offer him some kind of apology. I mean, how would I feel if I suddenly found out he was engaged, and he hadn't told me? The immediate wave of tangled emotion that washed over me at the mere thought gave me my answer. I would have to find Will.
I saw him twice in the distance around the camp. The first time, I called out and began to walk in his direction, but either he didn't hear me or he didn't want to talk to me, because he swiftly disappeared. The second time, my pride prevented me from humbling myself again, and I made no attempt to speak with him.
That night, I lay alone in my cabin bed, wondering what I could do to redeem our friendship. I missed Will. I missed the way he made me laugh. I missed... Anyway, did not want to lose what we had.
It was with a sudden sense of relief and apprehension that I remembered our routine Reserve patrol. We were scheduled together the next morning. And it's the Eastern patrol, I thought with a tiny, wry smile. We could talk then. He would listen. He had to listen.
With a sigh, I rolled over and turned out the light.
The next morning, however, Will was not at the ute. I was more than a little concerned: he had always made a point of being early. I walked toward Sam's office, meaning to ask him if he knew of a problem, but as I reached for the door knob I heard Sam's voice. He sounded bemused.
"...got on so well. I still don't understand, Will. What's gone wrong?"
I stopped in my tracks, and listened for Will's reply. His voice was strained. "I just don't feel that we are... suited as work partners, Sam. Just take me up on this one. Please."
There was a pause. I could almost hear Sam's yielding sigh. "OK, Darcy. It's too late to change anything today, but I'll have the roster changed by tomorrow. Now get on your patrol, you're late."
"But Sam - "
"I said there's nothing to be done today! You can cope with a couple of hours. Now go."
I heard the door knob rattle too late to make an escape. Will stepped out of the office and straight into my accusing stare. As he realised that I had overheard his conversation, his expression flickered with guilt. Just as quickly, it was blank again.
"Good morning," I said coolly. He nodded slightly in acknowledgment. We walked side-by-side in the early morning light and climbed into the ute in hostile silence.
I was driving. It struck me suddenly that the scene was remarkably similar to that day when we first met, and I had driven him back to the Reserve, except today the silence was even worse.
The fates had it in for me that day. I was not terribly surprised when I caught sight of the wheeling vultures, which indicated a kill. I pointed them out to Will, and altered our course without a word.
The elephant had not been dead long, but the hyenas had already been at work. I recognised the large, healed nick in the old bull's leathery ear, and realised we had lost the Reserve's oldest resident, a grumpy old grandpa of a tusker, nick-named 'Bert' by some ranger back in the sixties. The curving ivory tusks had of course been hacked out now, and the tail severed to be sold as an ornamental fly-whisk. What remained of Bert's splendid bulk had been left to rot in the hot African sun.
I balled my fists so tightly I could feel my nails cutting into my palms. It was just too much. I looked to Will, who was still refusing to acknowledge that I existed.
Looking from him to the old elephant carcass, I decided suddenly that I would be glad to marry Jason and leave all this behind me. It wasn't worth it. Everything hurt too much. Angry tears sprang to my eyes, but I brushed them away in case Will caught them. It would only renew his prejudices against womens' weakness. Not that I cared what he thought of me now.
Will's back was turned, and for a few moments I found myself staring, trying to memorize his physique, the way his hair curled, how he stood. Perhaps because I knew that when I did leave, I would want to remember the good times.
Abruptly, he turned to face me, and just as quickly I let my gaze fall to the ground so that he would not know I had been looking at him. I pretended I was studying the churned up earth for clues, and to my surprise I actually saw something glimmer. I crouched down and brushed some dirt aside, then picked up two cartridge shells. I looked up at the elephant, which was actually some distance away. I straightened up and walked towards it.
"Ellie, don't go near there."
Well! Look who's finally decided to open his mouth.
"Why not?"
"The hyenas will still be around."
I shot him a mocking look. "You're a big tough man with a big tough gun, aren't you? Am I still worth a bullet to you? I want to see something."
I turned my back on him once more. I didn't care to see his reaction.
As I got closer to the carcass, I had to put one hand over my nose. The stench was beginning to build. but I could see what it was I had wanted to make sure of - two bullet holes, buried deep in the cranial vortex. Hmm.
I slipped the cartridge shells into my pocket. I would talk to Sam about them later. I checked my watch - 11am. And already it was sweltering hot. I looked up. There were heavy clouds gathering over the mountains in the distance, but the sky above us was still blue. There was a helluva storm brewing, but it probably wouldn't break until late in the afternoon. Even so, better get on with the Patrol.
I returned to the ute and got into the passenger seat. I wanted to think about some things. Will took over the driving. Before starting the engine, he leaned across me to retrieve his sunglasses from the dashboard. I felt my body stiffen and his arm brushed my shoulder. It burned and I caught my breath. He straightened up and the motor roared into life. We bumped our way back onto the dirt track.
The silence returned.
Chapter 9
Our next landmark destination was the Husani Rock Waterfalls. As we drew closer, the vegetation grew thicker and greener. The waterfalls themselves were hidden by a thicket of forest, and the cascades fed the Eastern boundary of the Reserve: the Husani River.
We were still a good half hour from the actual falls, however, when the engine spluttered suddenly. I looked sharply at Will. The motor choked again, then gave out. The car rolled gently to a stop.
"Oh, you're kidding..." I heard Will mumble, "Oh you have got to be joking!"
"Problem?" I raised my eyebrows questioningly.
Will rested his forehead on the top of the steering wheel. "Would you believe - no fuel?"
"So? I always keep a spare jerry in the back."
But when we piled out and threw back the cover on the tray of the ute, we found it bare except for an empty cage and a spare tyre. The jerry can was gone. It was my turn to mumble in disbelief.
"But how? Who?" I groaned.
"Don't look at me," growled Will, sounding even more disturbed, "And just to lighten up the party, have you ever seen a storm move that fast?" He nodded behind me and I spun around.
"Oh no!"
I turned back. "Move it! We can still make it the caves if we move fast!"
I started walking, taking wide brisk steps.
"What?" Will caught up quickly, "Don't be stupid, it's safer just to sit it out in the ute!"
"For God's sake Will, you see that there?" I thrust my hand in the direction of the Husani River, which carved a muddy brown course through the middle of the tree-scattered plain. "Those waters are still swollen after the last rain we had. And you know where you stalled the ute, don't you? Right the middle of the bloody flood plain, that's where!"
"I stalled the ute? It ran out of gas, Ellie! You can't blame me for that. Besides, isn't it your job to fill the tank before we leave? Or were you too caught up in love's young dream to concern yourself with such mundane matters!" There was such bitterness in his voice that it almost took my breath away. I had never heard him speak like that before.
"What is your problem, Will?" I snapped, "I know I should have told you about Jason, and I'm sorry, OK? But it doesn't give you the right to treat me like dirt!" I accelerated my pace still further, trying to get ahead of him.
"Treat you like dirt? I treat you like dirt?" Will kept up effortlessly. "What about your precious Jason, then? If you ask me, he's the one that's treating you like dirt!"
"What are you talking about, Will? Jason is and always has been a perfect gentleman to me, unlike some other people I know!"
"Oh, a gentleman is he? Well, I suppose you're just the right kind of lady to match his calibre of gentlemanly behaviour!"
I stopped and swung abruptly to face him. "And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Will stopped too, and thunder rumbled in the distance. When he spoke, his voice was much softer. "Why are you marrying Jason de Bourgh, Ellie?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"You don't love him."
My jaw dropped in astonishment at his audacious statement. "How dare you presume to tell me what I feel?"
"Oh, I dare all right. Why are you doing it, Ellie?"
"I don't need to explain myself to you!" I caught his pointed stare, and realised how pitiful that had sounded. I tried again. "I'm marrying Jason because I love him very much, and he loves me, and because he wants - we want - to get married! Is that so unreasonable to you?"
"No. If, as you say, he loved you and you loved him, then it would not be unreasonable at all. But I know that's not true, Ellie, and so do you. You're marrying Jason de Bourgh because you've got it into your stupid little head that it would be noble to sacrifice your whole damn life to your precious Reserve! Jason is a cold-hearted bastard, and you know it. But he's a rich cold-hearted bastard, and he's promised you cash to save this floundering Station. That's the real story, isn't it Ellie? You don't love him. You're nothing but another gold-digger!"
I cried out in protest, but Will would not be interrupted. "Oh sure, your motives are better than most. Very unselfish. But just don't fool yourself that this marriage you're so determined to carry through is anything more than a sham! At least go into it with unclouded eyes!"
My head and my heart were screaming as he threw the accusations at me one after the other. I put my hands over my ears and shook my head frantically to keep the words out of my brain. "Shut up! Shut up! I don't have to listen to this, you bastard, I hate you!" I snatched a shuddering breath. "Why are you doing this to me? Are you jealous, is that your problem Will?"
"Jealous?!" His tone and expression seethed with incredulity. "Jealous of what, exactly? Of Jason de Bourgh? Coveting his lying fiancee, perhaps. Or maybe I'm jealous of you, and all the lonely years you have to look forward to in your marriage to a cold-hearted snake of a man who doesn't even know what it is to love, unless he's looking in a mirror!"
"I love Jason!" I screamed at him.
"Like hell you do!"
I raised my hand and swung to slap him, but he caught my wrist and held it in an iron grip. And suddenly he stepped forward and brought his lips down on mine.
Every thought in my head burned up. Someone had opened a furnace door and the flames were shooting all over my body. His mouth was bruising mine, and yet my body was yielding - betraying me - as I swayed involuntarily toward him. His one free hand was buried in my hair. I couldn't have pulled away - even if I had wanted to.
How long did that kiss last? I couldn't tell you. All I know is that when he stopped and stepped back at last, my breath was coming in ragged gasps and legs were trembling beneath me.
Will's eyes bored into mine. "That's what a real kiss feels like, Ellie," he whispered sneeringly, "Did Jason ever kiss you like that?"
He still held my right wrist in his grip, but my left hand he either didn't see or did not care to duck. The sting of my palm was testament to the force of the slap.
"You're an arrogant bastard, Will Darcy," I hissed, "I'm getting married in four weeks time and I am completely in love with my bridegroom, what ever twisted speculations you may have entertained." Thunder rolled again, almost overhead. The first heavy splotches of rain began to fall. "Now let go of my wrist or we are both going to be drowned when that river bursts its banks."
I wrenched my hand away and turned to run. I didn't look behind me. I don't know whether he followed or not.
Chapter 10
I glanced behind and saw Will approaching behind me, slipping a little as he ran through the deepening brown mud. So he had decided to follow.
"Ellie," I heard him call my name over the roar of the storm, "Ellie, wait! I - "
"There isn't time!" I didn't want to hear it now. He could have nothing more to say to me, and if he did, I didn't want to hear it. "They say the waterfall has hollowed caves in the rock face. We'll have to climb."
"Are you crazy?" Will reached the place where I stood, but still had to shout, "You'll kill yourself!"
"And better that than a loveless marriage, right Will?" I shouted back. A blinding flash of lightning forked down from the blackened sky and a shower of sparks cascaded from a nearby tree. The thunder clap was ear-shattering, and we both jolted in shock.
For a moment I had to struggle to breathe: the shock had winded me. "Come on!" I cried breathlessly, as soon as my heart seemed to function again. I clawed my fingers in the pock-marked rock, and began to climb. My foot slipped on the slippery rock face, and few small stones rolled down behind me. My breath caught in my throat, and for a moment I thought I wouldn't able to climb another inch.
Come on, Ellie. You have to do it. I swallowed hard, and reached up for another handhold.
I questioned nothing when a little higher up, I discovered a tiny, worn path which could be followed if you flattened your stomach against the cliff-face and edged sideways, clinging to the wall with your fingertips. Everything I touched was slippery and black, and the pummeling rain was blinding me.
My heart was pounding painfully as I alternated between praying out to God and telling myself not to look down. There was another lightning flash, and I couldn't contain a tiny whimper.
Then suddenly, as if in answer to my prayers, the path widened again onto a small plateau, and when I wiped the water from my eyes I could make out a small dark hollow in the rock wall. I fell on my hands and knees on the plateau, and turned my body to look behind me. Will was still making his way on the narrow part of the path, clinging to the cliff. He had been behind me all the way.
For a moment I thought that everything would be OK after all. I thought too soon. Now as I watched, the small outcrop of rock beneath his foot crumbled. People say that when things like this happen, everything starts happening in sickening slow motion. I could have told them otherwise. Things were happening very fast.
Even as I lunged forward, I heard his head crack on the rock as he fell. My grasping hands clasped a handful of cloth, which promptly began to tear with a terrible staccato ripping sound.
"Will!" I screamed uselessly. Some how I flailed again with one hand, and caught his arm, beneath the shoulder. I let go of the shirt and used both my hands and all my strength to haul him desperately onto the plateau.
I don't know how I did it. I'm not weak, but Will wasn't light, either. If I had ever tried to perform the same feat again under different circumstances, I know I could never have done it. But some how I found myself collapsed back on the plateau, with Will's body a dead weight across mine.
I was crying now, tears of shock and fear, but the torrents of rain flushed them into insignificance. For a few minutes, I just sat there in the storm, crying and shaking. It was the low roar of the river as it burst its banks that forced my consciousness back to reality. By linking one of Will's arms around my neck, I managed to struggle backwards, dragging him with me into the relative shelter of the small cave.
Once inside, without the constant wash of water, the wound on his forehead began to bleed in earnest.
"Will," I called softly, but his head lolled limply across my shoulder and he gave no response. The blood began to soak into my shirt. There wasn't much room to maneuvour in the hollow, but I managed to complete the tear in Will's shirt to obtain a bandage of sorts. I pressed it firmly against the already-purpling laceration. I had hoped that would stir him into consciousness, but to my consternation he gave no response at all.
"Will," my tears were beginning to flow again. "Will, you have to hear me. Come on, Will, don't do this..." The scrap of cloth was already saturated with blood. He needed a doctor, but I couldn't get him one for many hours yet. Awkwardly, with Will's body still supported against mine, I tore another bandage. This one was slower to absorb. The flow of blood was subsiding. I breathed an inward sigh of relief, but I was not so medically ignorant to believe that the danger was all past.
Will still showed no signs of regaining consciousness. Outside, there was another crack of thunder and another violent squall of rain swept over the deepening flood plain. The storm was getting worse.
I sat back against the far wall of the cave, holding Will's upper-body in my arms. There was nothing to do now but wait.
Chapter 11
When I opened my eyes, everything was very quiet and very still. I was lying in a dim hollow, but when I tried to look around, the sunlight at the entrance of the little cave burned my eyes. Something heavy lay across my legs and stomach. They felt numb with the weight. I took a deep breath, and inhaled the warm, damp, earthy smell of the plains after a heavy rainfall.
Still sleepy, I tried to sit up, but something else stirred against me.
"Will!" I blinked, and the events of the night before came crashing over me like a wave of icy water. The storm! Will! How could I possibly have fallen asleep?
With some difficulty, I dislodged my body from under his, and felt hot blood rush back into my limbs. I lifted his upper-torso gently into a sitting position so that I could see the wound on his forehead clearly for the first time. As I leaned close, I felt his warm, gentle breath on my cheek. At the time, my only thought was - Thank God he's still alive.
Very gently, I fingered the dried blood that prevented my discerning the depth of the wound. He moaned softly, and turned his head away. That was a response - I took it as a good sign.
"Will." I don't know why I whispered. His head moved again, but he still did not open his eyes. "Will!"
His eyelids flickered briefly, and he mumbled something I couldn't quite catch.
"Will?"
His lips moved again. "Ellie..."
I don't know why it should have affected me so much, but suddenly a sob caught in my throat, and a tear dropped on to his face. "I'm here, Will. It's OK. I'm here..."
His eyes flickered open again. Very slowly, he raised one hand to touch my face. His fingertips sensed my tears, and with his thumb he very gently wiped them away. I caught his hand between both of mine, and kissed it impulsively.
"Ellie..." I saw his eyelids flicker once more as he struggled to cling to consciousness. But the dizziness proved too strong, and he succumbed again to his involuntary sleep.
I clung to his hand for another hour, whispering to him, trying to make him open his eyes again, trying to coax him back to consciousness. The sun was rising higher in the sky, and I soon realised that Sam was sure to have sent out a search party by now. They would never think to look for us up here. If we were ever to be rescued, I would have to leave Will behind and return to the ute.
For another half-hour, I procrastinated, telling myself that Will would wake up at any moment and I could tell him what I intended to do. I did not want him to open his eyes and find himself abandoned. More than anything, I wanted to stay there with him, but that was not a viable option.
Finally, there was nothing left to do but to place another gentle kiss on his hand as a means of silent farewell and crawl out into the bright morning sunlight.
I slithered down the cliff face, falling the last few feet and landing on my hands and knees in a few inches of muddy water - all that remained of the swirling flood waters of the night before. When I stood again, wiping my hands on my jeans, I looked back at the rock face and was surprised to see how high we had actually climbed.
I turned in the direction of the open plain, and began the trek. After about an hour on foot, I reached the ute. The force of the flash flood had turned it on its side and probably carried it along for a few feet. The water had all but drained away now, but the river itself was a raging torrent of muddy storm water.
I tried to roll the ute back onto its tyres, but my strength alone was insufficient, so in the end I simply leaned against the cab and waited.
Within half an hour, I heard the sound of another engine approaching. I looked up in the direction of the sound, surprised that Sam's rescue squad should have found us so early.
It was not a rescue squad. It was actually two vehicles, neither of which I recognised. There was a large brown truck followed closely by a small army jeep, but they were much too far away for me to discern number plates or identify drivers.
Without even thinking about it, I ducked out of sight behind the ute. Poachers! Cried a voice in my head. Had they seen me? I was jumping to conclusions, yes, but who else could they be? I stayed hidden.
Thankfully, the sound of the motors faded into the distance, and my heart rate slowly returned to normal. Another hour dragged by. Again, my ears picked up the drone of an engine. Very wary this time, I snatched a look.
A moment later I was on my feet and waving my arms. "Sam! Sam, over here!"
Another five minutes and I was surrounded by friends, all talking at once. Over the clamour of concern, I managed to explain about Will. Sam immediately assigned two men to follow my instructions and see what they could do for him while proper first aid was on the way. I tried to go with them, but no one would hear of it, and I was bustled into the car with a blanket around my shoulders. That struck me as a rather humourous gesture when the temperature was already creeping up past 30 C, but they meant well so I accepted it.
I had not thought myself tired, but I suppose the shock of the whole scenario must have been delayed. I was asleep before we reached the Station, and I'm told I had to be carried to bed.
Chapter 12
According to Rick ("Denny") Densen, Will was awake when our rescuers reached him. Feeling slightly embarrassed, I couldn't help enquiring whether he had asked after me. I suppose I deserved the response I received - a rather strange look, as Denny replied in the negative. No, Will had not mentioned me at all.
I didn't like to ask any more questions of Denny. He already seemed to be reading too much into my interest in the welfare of Will Darcy. Next, I went to Benjamin, and learned that Will had been flown to Nairobi General Hospital for treatment. He had received four stitches in his forehead, but the results of the precautionary CAT scans were all very positive, so he would be back on the Reserve within the next week. With Ben's words of reassurance ringing in my head, I felt the heavy knot I had been carrying in the pit of stomach unwind a little, and my throat felt less constricted. Will was going to be OK.
Once I knew that Will was going to recover, my emotional state inevitably geared itself in apprehension of his return. No matter how I tried to write off our argument in the storm as empty words spoken in anger, I still couldn't escape the incessant echo of his voice in my head. All the words I had managed to keep at an arms length for so long! Now Will had gone and ripped that dam apart and the doubts he had forced upon me assailed me mercilessly. Everything I thought and felt was tangled and painful. I didn't know what I felt anymore.
At least I had a few days before facing Will. Perhaps I could sort out into some semblance of sanity what it was I was feeling: about Jason, about Will, about everything,
The very next day, however, I drove into camp from a job out in the Western quarter, and heard that Will was back - sooner than anyone had expected. Too soon! I couldn't face him yet! I didn't know what to do. My heart twisted at the thought of confronting him now, after all that we had said to each other, and all that waited to be resolved between us...
Immediately opting for a cowardly escape, I turned on my heel and walked swiftly toward the Stables. I had to check up on Spritz anyway, and I ought to be safe there for an hour at least. I would have to collect my scattered thoughts fast if I was to be at all equal to seeing Will again.
Yet it was not to be. Just as I reached the tall, wooden door of the Stables and put out my hand, it swung open of its own accord, creaking. I stopped dead with horrified premonition. Will almost walked into me.
He looked up and caught my disconcerted gaze, and stepped back quickly.
"I - " We both began, then broke off quickly.
There were a few moments of painful silence.
"I... didn't know you were back..." I managed at last, fibbing unconvincingly.
"I... returned a day early..."
"And how are you feeling?"
"Good, now. Thanks."
Silence.
"I see you're still engaged," he said finally, nodding slightly in the direction of my ring. His lips twisted slightly, though his voice was neutral.
"Yes. I am." His tone and expression immediately ignited a flame of anger inside me. This wasn't fair. "Are you surprised?"
"No, not really," his voice was equally cool. "You always did have a blindly stubborn streak." The flame leapt higher, and I opened my mouth to throw back a stinging retort.
Will cut me off as he shrugged. "Ellie, I don't believe you'd marry anyone if you didn't believe that you loved them."
The flame of fury dimmed a little. "So you've accepted that I love him?"
"No," he spoke very calmly. "I've accepted that you've done such a good job of lying to yourself and to the world that you've convinced yourself. And there's nothing anyone can do about it, is there?"
The flame ripped back into life. "You really think I'm marrying Jason for his money, don't you??"
"Yes, I do."
"So we're back to this! What right do you have to tell me what I ought to feel, who I ought to marry?"
"The right of friend who cares enough to learn the truth."
"Friend? What kind of friend are you..." I stopped. "Truth? Learn what truth?"
"How much do you know about the de Bourghs, Ellie?"
"Why?"
"Just tell me what you know."
I threw up my hands in exasperation. "I don't know... I know they're an old family... Jason's the last... They've got property in England and France... Look, why do you care?"
He lifted his gaze to meet mine. For a moment I thought I caught a look of earnest concern and pain his eyes. For a moment I could almost believe that he still cared about me. He leaned forward slightly and his hands were lifted toward me. I could almost see the words forming on his lips... and a split second later he had replaced the cool mask I was coming to know so well.
It occurred to me suddenly that I hadn't seen him smile for... how long? I hadn't realised how much I missed his jokes, his laughing eyes, that crooked grin... until I realised they were gone. Oh Will, what's happened to us?
"Never mind." His voice was as calm and cold as ever. Inexplicable disappointment welled inside me. "You're absolutely right. It's none of my business. Good bye, Ellie."
And he stepped around me and walked away.
Chapter 13
I started walking fast. In no time I had left the cluster of buildings that formed the Station behind me, and I began to run.
The afternoon sun was only slightly mellowed, and the baked brown earth shimmered under the sun's onslaught. The air was thick with heat. Within a couple of minutes I could feel the perspiration running down my temples and between my shoulder-blades. My breath came in short, gasping heaves. But I wouldn't let myself slow down. I wanted to run until I couldn't think, run until I couldn't feel. I wanted to run until I dropped, and then never get up again.
Finally, my legs gave way beneath me and I rolled into the rough grass. I didn't cry but my breaths ripped from my chest in dry sobs.
I don't know how long it was I lay there under the fierce brightness of the clear blue African sky. Slowly but surely, I began to breathe normally. I lay in the grass and stared up at the sky. My mind felt still. The turmoil of my the past few months had been left behind, or wiped out, or something. I don't know, but somehow I was calm now. Thoughts came clearly.
Jason. Will. Me. The Reserve.
I sat up in the grass and looked around me. It was as if I were seeing it all for the first time. About 200 metres to my left, a herd of wildebeest grazed on the new growth left over from the rains. If I listened carefully, I knew I would soon hear the distant, rasping roars of the lions as they welcomed the approaching dusk. I closed my fist in the dirt beside me, and lifted it to my face, breathing in the warm, ancient smell of the earth.
Did I love Jason? The image of his cool blue-eyed smile surfaced in my mind.
In the still, empty plains, there was no place for anything but the truth. Human deceptions, masks, lies, bargains, stolen kisses, bundled bank notes: they were all part of a foolish game that belonged to a different world.
Did I love Jason? The truth came, unobstructed. Not as much as I loved this land.
I loved him only because I thought he could help me save this place. Only because he was Jason de Bourgh, who could have any woman he wanted, and he had wanted me. Only because he demanded that I love him, and that I wear his ring, to help me hold on to what I really cherished. How had I been so blind as to convince myself that I was truly in love? It was blasphemy to call it love.
This sudden clarity of perception bought with it strong feelings of disappointment and disgust, focused mainly on myself. Had I really been so heartless? So callous? So shallow? With a stab of guilty pain, I recalled a girl with loose brown curls and bright, dreaming eyes who always swore that she would never marry for anything but the deepest love. I felt a wave of sadness and regret at her naiveté. That girl had believed in fairy tales, but this was real life. The Reserve was real life. My choices: all real life.
So did Jason love me? No. Well, maybe. But not with the kind of love that I had once dreamed of. True love Knows. True love Understands. Jason didn't understand me, he didn't know me at all. The girl he knew had been a girl who was flattered at his attention, who had bitten her tongue and tied back her hair to stay in his favour, but who was really in love with the cause he claimed to stand for. He was a means to an end, a cheque written out to what she really loved. God, that was a crass way of putting it, but I couldn't keep circling the truth.
And so there it was. The truth. I didn't love Jason. He didn't love me. Yet another voice questioned it. How do you know? What do you know of the kind of love a woman feels for a man? Perhaps this is it. Perhaps all your passion has gone into the Reserve, perhaps what you feel for Jason is all you will ever know of love for a man.
No. With a sudden bittersweet pain a much greater truth blossomed in my heart. I did know what it was to love a man. And yet, with a twist of bitter paradox, I realised that now I would never really know.
Time to let go of the dreams.