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Chapter 15

London, 02 February, 1813

Darcy entered his club with his usual trepidation. He still missed half a year of his memory and somehow he was not yet confident in the society of people, who did not know about his handicap. Ever permanent was his fear he might accidentally insult someone. So far his fears had not been justified.

Christmas had passed quietly, as always spent with his sister at his aunt and uncles home Matlock. His two other cousins and their families had been there. Richard had excused himself stating that his presence with his regiment was absolutely necessary. Darcy had wondered at the time, if this explanation had just been a mere excuse to avoid meeting him.

Since Bingley's ball at Netherfield there seemed to be a crack in their usual friendly and brotherly relationship. Darcy could not fathom what exactly was the reason of this change. He admitted his jealousy at Miss Bennet's obvious esteem of Richard, but what Richard's excuse for his anger at him might be, was completely elusive to Darcy. He doubted that the Wickham affair was the only cause for their estrangement.

Absent-mindedly Darcy greeted some of the present gentlemen and grabbed the newspaper turning toward his favourite place near the huge windows facing the terrace. Approaching he noticed someone sitting in his preferred chair. Due to the gloomy light he was not able to recognize the person until he was mere five feet away.

It was no other than his cousin Richard. Having noticed someone approaching, Richard put the paper down and stood up. The changes in his demeanour and appearance were significant. He was pale and his street clothes clung to him as if he had lost several pounds. But the most substantial alteration was due to the whiskers, making him look more mature. Although Darcy could not quite decide, whether they were the only cause for this completion.

Both man stood in silence for a while, shaking each others hands heartily, putting aside any argument, any hostility standing between them since that night at Netherfield Hall. Sealing there new found friendship.

'I did not know of your being in London.' Darcy started first.

'Well, I hoped to have a word with you.'

'But why did you not come to Grosvenor Street. Georgiana would be happy to see you. Or were you afraid of frightening her with your appearance,' Darcy laughed, 'believe me she is turning more into a woman each day. I fear the day, I will wake up to her wedding day, while I am still searching for my match...,' Darcy fell silent, obviously pondering over painful thoughts and a bit of his recent resentfulness toward his cousin must have reflected on his face. Richard knew he had to put Darcy out of his misery, but not yet, his cousin deserved to feel this tiny bit of insecurity a little longer.

'I did not want to upset her,' noticing Darcy's lost expression, he added, 'you have obviously not heard of my misfortune yet. I have fallen from grace. My parents and my brothers want nothing to do with me and refuse to acknowledge me until I will change my mind and plans according to their wishes by fulfilling the duty of a younger son. Meaning make career in the military and marry rich. But I will not budge, that is that and there is an end to it and in my eyes to any relationship with my nearest kin.'

'No, I have not heard any of it,' Darcy said, the shock apparent in his voice, 'I have not spoken to any of my relatives lately, but what exactly are your plans. Surely they cannot refuse you to marry for love...' Darcy's voice suddenly failed.

'I am leaving, I have to get out of this country, out of this restraining life, where nothing is left to chance. My life has been planned for me by others from birth to death. What sort of pathetic life is that anyway. I have decided, not mine any longer.'

And then Richard spilled out his news and they hit Darcy like a bombshell.

'I will be sailing to the West Indies, I have booked a passage already. But I need some money to get me started when I am finally there. I feel a bit embarrassed having to ask you but my parents even refuse to pre-pray me my share of the heirloom. Of course I will pay you back.' Interrupting Darcy, who obviously wanted to protest, 'I will hear nothing of any largess of yours. I have spent considerable time and effort in investigating my possibilities and options...' Richard continued to elaborate on his plans.

Darcy was totally taken aback, he had dreaded this moment, dreaded to hear the definite news, the news that would shred his hopes and heart into pieces. This moment had to come and he realised how ill-prepared he was to receive them calmly. Her name had not been mentioned yet, but he had to find out the facts, find out the worst at once. He interrupted Richard's monologue.

'Do I catch the meaning of all this in presuming rightly that you are going to leave England with your betrothed?'

A shadow crossed Richard's face.

'You are very curious, where a certain young lady is concerned. I will put your mind at ease though. You can count yourself lucky. I can laugh about it now. Two months, even one month ago, I would have dared to refuse you. I might even have told you that she had accepted me just to see the torment on your face, the same torment that dreads to tear me apart.'

The astonishment was plainly written on Darcy's face.

'She refused you?'

Richard merely nodded his head. Darcy started to murmur an apology but his cousin stopped him with a wave of his hand.

'I know we were rivals in this and I am not sure if I can find it in my heart to wish you luck, but I do not want your compassion. At this precise moment I just want your money.'

Darcy still had problems grasping the essence of this news.

'But why did she refuse you?'

'I thought that to be fairly obvious, ' Richard wanted to drop the topic, but he knew his cousin would not obey to this particular wish, 'come on Darcy do not be so tedious. She does not love me. She sees me as a friend and that is far too little for me, I could never endure to be just that. And this is everything I am willing to disclose to you on this subject.'

Darcy nodded. 'Let us talk business. What sum did you have in mind?'

In this reconciliatory mood they talked for about an hour until everything was settled to either satisfaction. Richard sent Georgiana all his best wishes and the two cousins parted. Unsuspicious of this being the last time they were to see each other. With the exception of two or three letters - among them the sum Darcy had settled on Richard - it was also the last they ever heard of one another.

Darcy's head was spinning. He had left Richard with ambivalent emotions. Sadness on his cousin's behalf but also an undefined sentiment of joy struggled beneath his composed expression. The woman of his dreams was still unattached. Or at least she was not attached to his cousin. But this knowledge was enough to bring Darcy's feelings to unknown heights. Suddenly the muddiness and darkness of this cold unfriendly winter changed and in his perception the sky was brighter and the air much fresher than they really were.

He had to see her again. But how was such a meeting to be brought about without being too obvious. The last thing he wanted was a defeat as Richard had suffered. Darcy was certain that Elizabeth would always state her mind frankly. And if her heart was not likely to be touched by him, she would tell him so at once. Therefore he was determined to give her the opportunity to get better acquainted with him, before he would allow himself to think of her as his future wife.

Darcy considered his possibilities almost all the way from his club to his town house. Bingley and his wife Jane were still in Italy, enjoying the mild climate. Thus depriving him of the one and only excuse for visiting Netherfield and being near his beloved. He would have to wait another month before the Bingleys returned. With a little less energy and enthusiasm than just a few minutes ago he entered his house.

'Your sister is awaiting you in the music room, sir.'

'Thank you, Jenkins.'

With his head still in the clouds, Darcy entered the music room hesitantly. As dear as his sister was to him, after such news he would have wished to be alone, to contemplate his next actions and to dream of his chances.

Georgiana, who was playing a joyful traditional, interrupted her play, the moment her brother turned the doorknob.

'Guess who is in the city?'

'You know of Richard being in town? I just met him at the club. He sends you all his love and best wishes for your future life.' Realising the puzzled expression on his sister's face, he hastened to tell her the whole story. Though cautiously avoiding the real reason behind Richard's plans.

'When we shook hands I had the strange notion of this perhaps being our last encounter. I hope you are not too upset. It will not be easy to explain my role in his leave to our dear uncle and aunt. I hope it will not cast a shadow on our relations.'

'I am very sorry Richard thought this drastic step necessary and I am not sure I can forgive him for not saying goodbye in person.' Georgiana frowned in a very unladylike fashion, the expression bespeaking her anger. But suddenly her facial expression softened into a little smile.

'Richard was not the person I was referring to. You have one more guess.'

Longbourn, Interlude

This past weeks had been very trying for Elizabeth. Without the gentleness of Jane and her capability to keep the differing moods in the family in a fragile yet precious balance - sometimes even resembling harmony - no one even tried to be polite to each other any longer.

Her mother kept falling in and out of her moods. Ever so often she would be seen in Lambton triumphing with her sister-in-law Mrs. Phillips over having two daughters married or at Lucas Lodge driving Lady Lucas mad, boasting herself. But ever so often Mrs. Bennet would keep to her room in a deep depression over having three unmarried daughters, yet.

Her father fed up with his wife's antics kept to his library even for the meals and Elizabeth thought this to be a rather childish behaviour for a supposedly intelligent man. She was sorry that her father did not seem to have it in him to keep up the appearance of harmony and saneness in his own household.

Mary practiced playing and singing five hours a day with no evidence of improvement whatsoever and Elizabeth and maybe even Hill feared the milk would turn sour. The rest of the day Mary would refuse to put her book with Fordyce's Sermons down. All the while reading passages out aloud to anyone who had the very ill timing of being near her.

Kitty was as miserable as someone not in love but helplessly wishing for it could be. She tiptoed around with a face as long as the river Thames. Whenever anyone happened to mention the marital bliss of her two sisters, Elizabeth thought her sister would start to cry or hit something or someone in her childish tantrums.

Only on her solitary walks Elizabeth found something near to solace. But due to the unusually cold winter her rambles were more infrequent and ever so often had to be cut short. While out on her own her thoughts would inevitable turn to the one man, who had stirred in her the most contradictory of emotions.

Indifference turning into hatred by Wickham's tales and reaching its inevitable peak in her refusal of his hand in marriage. Again hatred now fueled by Darcy's seemingly indifference towards her turning into curiosity and a bad conscience after Wickham had been identified as the true evil party and after hearing that her refusal had caused Darcy to fall off his horse loosing his memory. Insecure of her feelings towards him, his behaviour towards her at the second Netherfield ball had left her trembling and in love with a side of him she either had not wanted to see or he had not been willing to show before.

Elizabeth still refused to believe that this change of character was merely the result of his amnesia. She was on the contrary quite certain that she had misjudged his character and his behaviour towards her. But what good was such a realization, when the subject of her every thought was beyond her reach.

He was in London and she was bound to Longbourn. And even if she were not, he moved in such different circles. But even if all this did not matter, what if he remembered all of their dealings together. Which man would offer his hand a second time to a woman he knew to be ungrateful by his own ill experience.

Then her thoughts would turn toward Richard and a deep feeling of guilt would wash over her. He had found it in his heart to write to her of his plans and to offer her his reconciliation. How much pain had she caused unwillingly in this quarter.

Fortunately for the well-being of her mind, Christmas drew nearer and with it the arrival of her beloved aunt and uncle and their merry family. Their coming drew Elizabeth out of her reveries and also changed the mood at home into something nearly resembling normality and cheerfulness.

For a short fortnight there were joy and laughter in the Bennets' household and Elizabeth was even happier when the Gardiners returned to town, since one of their Christmas presents to her had been an invitation to London to stay with them during the whole of February.

It took the Gardiners only a few minutes to grab the tense atmosphere at Longbourn and to see that their niece was far from being her own cheerful self. Sensible as they were they had a slight idea of the course of Elizabeth depression and the possible cure for it.

The Darcys' town house, 02 February, 1813

'Miss Bennet is in town?'

Various wrong guesses later, Georgiana had released her brother from his increasing impatience to reveal the piece of news she hoped would brighten the rather dim mood of her brother, and how right she had been.

The astonishment on Darcy's face turned into a rather stupid expression and Georgiana suddenly grabbed the meaning of the expression 'to grin from ear to ear.'

'But that is not all, dear brother. The Gardiners also issued a dinner invitation.'

Darcy merely formed the word 'when', since his voice seemed to fail him.

'Coming Wednesday,' Georgiana felt courageous enough to tease her brother a little bit, 'but I do think we will have to turn them down. What will people say if the son and daughter of George Darcy Esq. were to move in such unrefined circles. Cheapside, I can positively hear Caroline squeaking out the name.'

Her brother's face went pale as he looked at her in surprise, his heart suddenly pounded furiously as a terrible thought dawned upon him.

'Would I have turned them down, say last year. Was I such a haughty man then?'

'Oh, no, I was just trying to make some fun of you, I am sorry, I am obviously not very good at it.'

'Do not worry, I realised your words were not meant seriously, but somehow I cannot help believing that I might have behaved different a few years ago.'

'If you insist in pursuing this issue, I will assure you that you would not have acted differently. You always treasured and estimated people of good character and refinement. If you had known the Gardiners earlier then you would have accepted their invitation, like we will do now.'

Chapter 16

Elizabeth was not sure if her heart trembled with joyful expectation or with anxiety at the perverseness of such a meeting. How should she behave, would he not think she was an artful minx, refusing Richard to pursue him instead. She was beyond teasing him or showing him her disinterestedness. It would be far worse should he think her indifferent.

'Elizabeth, you look a bit flustered, are you feeling ill.'

'No, aunt, perhaps a little nervous.'

One eyebrow of her aunt went up, and Elizabeth knew she was in for a little tease.

'That does not sound like you, niece. You were always the one, who could make fun out of the serious moments and this is just a dinner invitation. One more occasion to study people's foibles. I thought you liked that best on such tedious encounters?

'Oh aunt, I hope I am not as cynical as my father yet. But I can not help thinking, that the Darcys may only have accepted your invitation out of politeness.'

'You astound me more and more. I am sure you are willingly misjudging them, you know as well as I do that at least one of the two is not coming out of politeness. He was positively smitten with you at Netherfield.'

Elizabeth blushed furiously and said in a small voice 'He does not really know me...', remember me to be precise, she added to herself.

'Well you have it in your hand to change this fact in less than a minute, for I hear a chaise stopping in front of the house. Just be yourself, you will not be alone with him. There will be plenty of other guests to take your mind of things.'

The Darcys arrived as the third of six couples the Gardiners had invited. Therefore it was not until the party sat down at table that Elizabeth had the opportunity to talk more than a few words to the man, whose nearness she had both dreaded and wished for.

One long hour she had had to content herself in admiring and watching him from a distance. When the Darcys arrived she had been in a conversation with two elderly sisters, who were acquainted with the late vicar of the congregation her aunt and uncle belonged to. They had been invited by the Gardiners out of charity. Therefore the greeting of Darcy and his sister had been more than brief. Aunt Gardiner managed to draw Georgiana into the conversation, but Mr. Darcy had been much wanted at where her uncle entertained some local politicians, who were in want of some inside information, they hoped to obtain of this particular gentleman.

Elizabeth did not remember any particulars of her conversation since her eyes would ever so often been drawn to him. He who stood above all, he who looked the finest in his suit, he whose eyes would meet hers any time, she was watching him. She only could hope that he had been as distracted from his own discussion as she.

There silent intercourse did not go unnoticed however. Mrs. Gardiner and Georgiana were well aware of what transpired between their respective favourite relatives and they would glance at each other in silent understanding. A helping hand or two might be in order to bring the couple together, who obviously wanted to be together but could not fulfill this task on their own.

Elizabeth was not able to control her feelings, let alone her eyes. They seemed to be transfixed on Darcy's figure. Whenever she caught his eyes on hers or he caught her observing him, she had difficulties to avert her eyes in the time civility and good manners would have required. Darcy noticed her predicament with burning cheeks, his attraction to her increasing by the minute.

Now as she sat between her uncle and him listening to the vivid discussions going on around her, Elizabeth felt the awkwardness of her behaviour even more. She never before had been so out of track, speech evading her, who until now never had difficulties voicing her opinion to anyone. But, she admitted to herself, before I have never been in love, have I.

Elizabeth was just a little bit reconciled with her unknown shyness by her observation of the man next to her, who had some difficulties on his own to follow her uncle's conversation. From time to time Mr. Darcy would try to draw her in on their friendly bantering, but clumsily he would ask questions that required only monosyllabic answers of her.

Darcy frantically searched his mind for a topic to approach his lovely neighbour with. Thinking by himself: Oh dear, this is not going too well. Somehow she seems to be quite uncomfortable around me. Is she molested by my attention. Have I misunderstood her . Maybe she does not care for me at all and is just reminded of her dealings with Richard and fears the same from me. Come on, man, say something, speak to her. Yes, this might work Miss Bennett, is there a particular play this season you would like to see, my sister and I would be very much obliged to invite you and your relatives to our box, no no no, this sounds to patronizing, think of something else, quick.

'Miss Bennet, have you heard from your sister, are she and Bingley enjoying their stay in Italy?'

'My sister did only write two or three letters, which were very short indeed, but under the circumstances and considering the reason for their journey, as much was to be expected and I have already forgiven her.' Both smiled shyly at each other and gaining some of her confidence back, Elizabeth continued, 'Since no sufficient description of the beauty of the land itself and the hospitality of its inhabitants were given in her letters, I assume that I will have to visit Italy myself sometime to give a better account.'

'I am certain, Miss Bennet, that sooner or later you will have such an opportunity.' Darcy's voice wavered as he grasped the deeper meaning of the words that had just left his lips as of their own account and he closed his mouth in downright shock. His thoughts only amounted to this one statement: now you have ruined it, well and truly, as both blushed furiously.

Elizabeth was well aware that his words had not been meant the way they had come out and the way she had immediately misinterpreted, but the moment for a relaxed conversation had passed and they sat in silence for the rest of the meal.

While the ladies left the gentlemen to enjoy themselves over some port, Darcy contemplated his next actions. Of course she had understood how his words had been meant, but nevertheless their unintended double-edgedness had spoiled everything. But, it had not only been his lack in easy conversation, Miss Bennet had not seemed to be at ease either. What was he to do, to bring out her playfulness that she revealed when around other people. Maybe an outing with Mrs. Gardiner and her children would be a good idea. With them Miss Bennet would behave more naturally.

The rest of the evening went by in no time without another opportunity for Miss Bennet and Mr. Darcy to converse or for Darcy to embarrass himself again. When he ascended his carriage behind his sister, Darcy was glad that the evening was over. And as his head hit the pillow the same night his over all impression of the party was positive for he had arranged an outing with Mrs. Gardiner over coffee.

Elizabeth however was not so fortunate, sleep evaded her. Somehow her memory had brought up her encounter with Mr. Darcy at Netherfield last year and half, when he had asked her to dance and she had not answered him at first and had then after his renewed proposal refused him in a very uncivil manner. This recollection was not a pleasant one. She now was certain that he had meant it serious then, while she had wanted to misunderstand him. Elizabeth was not sure, if there was a chance for both of them to be together without her being reminded of her past bad judgment of him. He might have forgotten and somehow she envied him of that, but how could she be easy around him, while such memories still invaded her thoughts

Chapter 17

Today would be the day. The day of days. The day Fitzwilliam Darcy would lay all his hopes for his future happiness on one answer from Elizabeth Bennet. And he reasoned his chances on succeeding to be favoured with a positive answer were good.

This past couple of weeks he had gained an insight into the character of another person as he would not have thought it possible. By getting to know Elizabeth Bennet better, to whom - as he had to admit - he had only been attracted to before her visit to London, he had gained better knowledge of his own mind and heart. During the times he had had the fortune of being blessed with her attendance and undivided attention he had learned what it meant to love and - as he added in his mind with more hopefulness than real conviction - to be loved. Elizabeth Bennet had not encouraged his favours, but, and that was cause enough to rise his hopes, she had not discouraged them either.

Darcy smiled to himself as he jumped out of bed to get ready and dressed for his fateful visit at Gracechurch Street, recollecting past weeks events.

Their first outing to Astleys, where not only the Gardiner's children had enjoyed themselves. When he had bought sweets for the children and this action had made his first glimpse on Elizabeth true nature possible: 'Sweets only for the children? That will not do, Mr. Darcy.' Since then they had been far more at ease with each other, conversing on almost anything that mattered to both of them. He had learned of her love for books and reading and her dislike for the more fashionable occupations society required of a lady like riding, painting or needle work. They had shared an equal passion for music. On various occasions he had had the pleasure of hearing Elizabeth play the piano and had even more enjoyed her singing.

Although their meetings always were attended by at least three or more of their respective family members, their encounters had soon reached an intimacy Darcy never before had thought possible between man and woman who were not relatives. And he understood that it was not marriage that created that sort of intimacy he had admired in his parents and aspired to all his adult life, but love.

He reached the Gardiners' house immaculately dressed in a green waistcoat. He was guided into the parlour by a somewhat reserved housemaid and for the first time since he had decided to ask for Miss Bennet's hand in marriage, he felt the nervousness rise in the pit of his stomach. Something was not right.

The moment Mrs. Gardiner and only Mrs. Gardiner entered the room, all the blood drained from his face and he could hear the mad rushing of it in his ears. But before the idea of anything terrible having happened to his Elizabeth could really begin to form in his mind, Mrs. Gardiner gestured him to take a seat.

'My niece left London yesterday. I thought you knew of it.'

Darcy was glad he had followed his hostess' advice, for had he stood he would have dropped on the nearest chair from despair.

'Oh no, I must have misunderstood, I thought she was to travel on the tenth of March, tomorrow, but now I remember she must have meant that she had to be home by then, which would have required her to travel yesterday. What an oaf I am.'

Madeleine Gardiner could not help but smile a little at his display of feelings. She now comprehended why Elizabeth had seemed so out of spirits on her leave, making excuses for Mr. Darcy, that business at Pemberley must have prevented him from bidding her farewell as planned. There must have been an understanding between them of some sorts, which had made their intended meeting before Elizabeth's departure so crucial. Mrs. Gardiner understood on what errand Mr. Darcy had come and knew that Elizabeth would have been more than willing to accept.

'Not all is lost, Mr. Darcy. Although my niece was disappointed that you were prevented from saying your good-byes. But if you will follow her and explain yourself, I am certain that she will understand and be more than willing to forgive you.'

'But how, surely I have no right in following her.'

'I have been informed that your good friend Mr. Bingley has brought his young bride home to Netherfield Hall and although your intrusion on their happiness might not be too welcome at the moment, I am sure your friend will not refuse you his hospitality.'

Darcy stood. 'Thank you, Mrs. Gardiner.' If his feelings had been in less turmoil he might have added something more, some hint as to his hopes, but he was aware of her knowing his emotions anyway.

Even if this episode had Darcy shocked to his core it also helped him steal his determination and it took only two hours of preparations until he was on his way to Longbourn to accomplish what he hoped would make him the happiest of men and Elizabeth the happiest of women.

Chapter 18

The Darcys' town house, 23 April, 1813, in the middle of the night

Today should have been the day. The day of days. The day Fitzwilliam Darcy took Elizabeth Bennet to be his lawful wedded wife. This should have been the happiest of days for Elizabeth. But something had gone terribly wrong.

Elizabeth mind raced back to her stay at her aunt's and uncle's home in London. She had been happy then. Delighted to spend her days with the people, who really mattered to her, and the occasions on which she had met with Mr. Darcy and his sister, were fresh in her mind. During their prolonged conversations and meetings she had grown more and more grateful and expecting for his attentions. And in knowing him better the feeling of mere attraction changed into respect for his opinions and preferences and ever so gently turned into love. With him she had shared her most intimate sentiments. Gradually she had become comfortable enough around him to tease him on occasions and she liked him even better for his forbearance. She especially recalled one incident on which he had mercilessly teased her back and how both had laughed about it.

She pondered over her doubts, when he had not come to bid her farewell. How sure she had been, that he would settle matters between them before she left, so that he had a reason to visit Netherfield even without the Bingleys being there to seek out her father. Sitting in her uncle's coach she had feared the worst, that maybe he had remembered last year's events at Rosings and that he now resented having paid his attentions on so unthankful an object as her.

She had been miserable during her travel and not even the prospect of Jane's return from Italy was suited to reconcile her with what lay before her, a life without the one men she could have imagined to live with. Her astonishment had been complete, when on the following morning this man had called at Longbourn accompanying Jane and her husband.

They soon had outstripped Jane and Bingley and Mr. Darcy had been quick to apologize for his mistake. She had teased him a bid about that, laughing at his contrite expression. They both grew silent aware of the unspoken question lingering between them. Elizabeth had feared he might hesitate, her rejection of his cousin clear in his mind, but it would have been against her character to encourage him more than to listen and give him a favourable answer if asked. Ask her he did eventually and she quickly assured him of her regard and acceptance.

She recalled how her heart had raced as she marvelled at the change in his expression from grave to soft and tender. It was then that Elizabeth knew for certain that he was as much in love with her as she was with him.

Even then not everything had turned out smoothly. As was to be expected her father was not glad to consent in her marrying the man she had loathed from the very beginning of their acquaintance, but after some persuasion on Elizabeth's part and some observations of his own, her father consented, for he could see the genuine love both of them shared. Her mother of cause was overflowing with joy, three daughters married and each to a more wealthier and illustrious husband than the other.

They had endured a rather long engagement, their wedding being scheduled for the end of April. Fitzwilliam, as she was calling her fiancé by herself, had not only to prepare his estate for the welcome of a new mistress but also his town house since they were to be married in London.

Elizabeth remembered having had some doubts on her decision to accept him. Not her heart hesitated but her rational mind, what if he commemorated her refusal at Rosings. Would he resent her? Another fear was of her not being able to cope with all that was expected of the mistress of Pemberley. But her doubts had been resolved the moment she saw the love and respect in his eyes. He was certain of her capabilities, there was no reason for her to doubt herself.

Just this morning they had become man and wife avowing that they would love and respect and be faithful to each other till death would part them. But it was not death that had broken this holy connection before it even had been sealed with their bodies. Elizabeth shook her head as to shake off the sad memory of the last couple of hours.

They had been so happy, his looks and the way he hold her hand an eyes whenever they would meet had assured her of his happiness. They had sat through their reception, determined to enjoy it even if there were other things on their minds. She had been nervous on what would happen when they would be alone at last. Finally the last guests had departed and Elizabeth had gone to the master's chamber to change into her nightgown and to await her husband. He had entered half an hour later. She could see in his expression that he marvelled at her sight.

She had felt herself blush and something stir in the pit of her stomach she could not quite define. But it had felt so good, to be here with him, his loving eyes on her. She had watched him step closer, bridging the gap between them. Ever so gentle he had cupped her cheek in his palm. Lowering his lips onto hers. What began as a tender brushing of lips against lips soon grew into something more passionate. It was a kiss, Elizabeth would remember all her life even if this should have been the last. They had shared kisses during their engagement, but they had been rather chastise and sweet, but this kiss... She could still feel her husband's lips on hers. It was a kiss that had sealed a new bond between them a bond completing the one their heart, soul and mind had already formed, the bond of the flesh, which ignited a passion, Elizabeth did not know she possessed.

But then he had pushed her away and opening her eyes she could read it in his expression even before he uttered one single syllable, he had remembered. The memory of what had transpired between them at Rosings had returned and it hung between them like Damocles' sword. Everything that had been gained before in their sweet kiss had been equally lost in this one single moment of remembrance. His eyes turned from brown softness to the cold of a stream in turmoil. His voice cut into her heart like a knife and she had to gather all her strength not to double over from pain.

'What made you change your mind, Madam? First refusing me in no uncertain terms, insulting me in every possible way to my face and then when I am no longer able to remember our former dealings you lure me in with your charms to propose to you again and you accept me. What were your plans Elizabeth? Had you planned that I would renew my addresses back then? Well your plans were badly disrupted by my fall, but then you were lucky and our paths crossed again and this time you wanted to make sure I would not escape you a second time. Or did someone chide you for refusing me the first time and you were merely lucky, that I could not remember. Do you now have what you wanted. Are you that mercenary? Well I grant you, you can hide it well. Answer me!'

Elizabeth was shocked by the turn of his thoughts, but she would not cry, not yet.

'You are mistaken, Sir. You have drawn the wrong conclusions, but since there is little to no chance for me to set them right, I will leave you to your grudge. You will no longer be disturbed by my presence, not now and not tomorrow. I bid you good night.'

With that she nearly ran from his chamber, tears clouding her vision. He had not followed her and had not tried to stop her. She was desperate. Where should she go, what was she to do.

At this moment she sat at his desk in his library. She would never again sit here or set a foot under this roof. But she could not bare to leave without a proper farewell and since she could not very well face him now she resolved to write a letter.

An hour later she folded and addressed the sheets, leaving them on the desk. Exhausted she managed to wake up her maid to see to the few arrangements that were necessary to leave her husband's house forever to seek refuge at Gracechurch Street.

She was desolate but her pride demanded from her strength to leave his house his life with some self-esteem left intact, although her hopes and dreams were shattered.

Chapter 19 ~ The End

Darcy awoke still clad in his wedding suit. It was early morning, the dimness of the night just fading. Darcy wished the daylight would lift the darkness that surrounded his heart, his soul, his whole being. Not only his clothes were crumpled. What had happened - he only remembered too well. Curse his memories. What had he done in his stupid rage? Elizabeth was not here, not with him, as it should have been. Damn, it was their wedding night, but he very much doubted that she had remained under the same roof with him, she had made that perfectly clear. Elizabeth had temperament, he granted her that, but to be the aim of her ire was not something Darcy particularly would wish for.

His wishes had been clear to him this past couple of months, but he no longer knew for certain if they remained the same, his remembrance had changed everything. He had been so enraged at the memory of her refusal, why had she refused him in the first place only to accept him one year later. He shook his head in helpless confusion. He had called her mercenary, full aware that this accusation was unjustified or was it not?

Darcy had no answers, only questions remained. First he had to make sure where Elizabeth was, she was his wife after all. He began searching the house as quietly as he could, trying to avoid any of his servants. He feared that the unhappy outcome of his wedding day could not be concealed for long. He might just delay giving answers he himself did not have. What would he tell Georgiana? A great sense of failure swept his inner being.

Fitzwilliam Darcy thought he could smell her faint scent in his library, but then it more probably was a trick of his overactive mind. Yes, he loved her, there was no denying it, in spite of his regained memory, in spite of everything that had transpired between them last night. But he was not sure, where he wanted his feelings to take him, what he wanted the outcome to be.

He sat down at his desk, calmer now, he should have had come here earlier. It was a place for quiet contemplation for rational thinking after all, maybe here he could resolve this problem. Then he saw her letter, there was no mistaking it, for he recognized her handwriting. Should he open it, what could Elizabeth possibly have to say apart from what she had said last night. Carefully he unfolded the sheets, skeptical towards its contents.

Dear Sir,

I hope, that the contents of this letter will not offend you any more than my behaviour and actions before this day have. It is not my intention to pain you any further, but to clear myself from the accusation you last night laid to my charge.

Although I fear you might not want to believe me, I love you, and this love is based on the knowledge and understanding of your character. I confess to having misunderstood your true nature in the past.

My first impression of you was that of a proud man, who thought himself above everything and everybody. You had slighted me and insulted my family in a way I would not have thought possible from a gentleman. Wickham's revelations of your behaviour towards him - however false as I know now - merely confirmed my estimation of your character.

I hate to bring back the memories of your first proposal and my refusal which last night were so disgusting to you. The manner in which you proposed was far from being gentleman-like. Had you hoped to be rewarded for your constant degradation of my family with my consent in marriage? Well you were wrong in assuming I was expecting your addresses. Even if my feelings had been favourable, my self-esteem would have prevented me from accepting the man, who was partly responsible for separating Jane and Mr. Bingley and by this action very nearly ruined two lives.

Since that fateful night at Rosings, I have been proven wrong where Wickham was concerned and I am now sorry for speaking so warmly of Wickham, defending him to your face. Even before your cousin told me of your dealings with Wickham, my eyes had been opened as to his true nature by his unpardonable behaviour towards my family.

Then I heard of your role in sending Mr. Bingley back to Netherfield and again I doubted my former opinion of your character. Since our meeting at Netherfield last autumn my judgment of your character changed gradually, based on my better understanding and knowledge of you as a person. I admit that I do not understand why I fell in love with you then, when earlier in the year I refused you, but it happened. I love you because I have come to admire and respect your opinions. I love you because I have learnt that you are kind and honourable.

I love you in spite of your insults last night. But unlike that day at Rosings I do understand your sentiments and can forgive you. I have only to blame myself for having hoped, that even if you regained your memory your love would not waver, for I believed the love we shared to be genuine. I take full responsibility for not having told you the truth, for not having filled the gaps in your memory as I could have done, it just never occurred to me as important. I know now how wrong I have been.

When you read this letter, I will have gone. It is the only possible action to right my wrong. I will respect any decision you might find necessary in regard to our marriage.

God bless you.

Elizabeth

Darcy did not know how long he had sat here at his desk in his library with Elizabeth's letter in his hands. His ears were ringing and had he allowed to acknowledge them, he would have felt the sting of tears in his eyes. What had he done. He could live with ruining his own life but it was no longer the only one affected by his actions.

The Gardiners' house, the same day, morning

Darcy was greeted coldly by Mrs. Gardiner, who obviously had difficulties hiding her anger. He choose his words carefully.

'Madam, I would like to inquire after your niece. I presume she is with you. I know this may not be the right time, but I am at a loss to fathom what time would be better. Please let me talk to her. I know, that after this conversation matters will ultimately be settled between us, whatever the outcome. I am not hesitating to assure you that I hope to take her home with me where she belongs and where I can make her happy. But I will accept and respect her decision.'

Madeleine Gardiner could not deny that she was indeed impressed by his speech and somewhere deep down in her heart she felt a little stir of hope.

'Very well, Mr. Darcy, I will sent my niece down, providing that she is willing to receive you.'

'Thank you, Mrs. Gardiner.'

Madeleine Gardiner entered her niece's room.

'Mr. Darcy is down stairs inquiring whether you are willing to see him.' She wanted to add something, but refrained from it. Interference might not be welcome and it would not do to influence her niece either way or other.

Elizabeth had known that such a confrontation was inevitable and had tried to steel herself against it. But her uneasiness returned as soon as she entered her aunt's parlour and saw Fitzwilliam there, seemingly as desolate as she was. Her heart ached as she took in his appearance, his hair and clothes were rumpled, a sight she had never seen before and did not wish to see again. She closed her eyes a moment, willing herself to shut out the pain she could clearly feel emanating from his whole being. She had to stay calm and resolved.

Darcy had stood, the moment Elizabeth had entered the room, now she sat down, composed, and gestured him to sit also. He did so, but after a few awkward moments of silence he stood again.

'I know, I have no right to ask this of you, but please hear me out. Whatever the outcome of this might be. I will respect your decision.'

She had to listen, even if she could not imagine the result of this conversation. Would he propose an annulment or - she hoped against hope - would he want her back, but then, what chance for happiness was there, both having been insulted by the other. She merely nodded her consent on hearing him out.

'When I woke up this morning, I felt bad, in fact I have never felt worse in my whole life. I could not quite figure what was wrong, but the memory of what happened between us only some hours ago came quick and though I should have been enraged or at least I thought I should have been, I could only feel a sense of bereavement of dull pain somewhere in my chest, for you were not there.

I wandered through the house, pretending not to be searching for you, but I was desolate, for you were not there.

Even before I found your letter on my desk my heart had long resolved the problem my mind had brought it into, I am still madly and deeply in love with you, but there was no hope, for you were not there.

I first read the letter with disbelief and I must confess I gave not much credit to it. My mind just seemed to understand the passages in which you condemned my behaviour. I was furious at your words but I was even more so at myself, for you were not there.

I read the letter over and over, before I finally understood your motives and only had to blame mine. But I could not dare to hope to be rewarded for my perception, for you were not there.

I have been a selfish being all my life, I can admit that now. I was so angry when I left you at the parsonage. I was not even beginning to comprehend the deeper meaning behind your words 'had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.' No I just ran from you and very nearly killed myself in my blind rage. I cannot fathom what my actions would have been, if I had not lost my memory. Would I have taken the opportunity to change myself, I do not know. The only thing I know is that my loss was perhaps my gain, for I believe this handicap changed me. It must have, for you were willing to let me near you again. I wish, I could make you forget past night's events. I wish, I could take back the words I said to you, but it is not in my power. You must have thought here comes the old, haughty Darcy again and you must loathe me for that. I wish there would be a chance for us to start anew, for you Elizabeth are the only woman I love and will ever love. Only you have the power to help me be the man I always aspired to be. But I fear there is no hope, for you are no longer with me.

Please forgive my boldness - and one word from you will silence me on this subject forever- but I have to ask you, will you please come back home with me?'

He had begged yes, but he had put no pressure on her, she knew that his honour would demand of him to accept her answer regardless of the implications, but in Elizabeth's heart remained no doubt as to what the answer should be. She stood and stepped closer to him reaching out to caress his face before she pulled him down to her, murmuring, their lips only inches apart, 'I will.'

The End