The Darcy Dialogues, or, Mister Darcy's Favourite Year ~ Section I

    By Ed S.

    Beginning, Section II

    The Darcy Dialogues, or, Mister Darcy's Favourite Year

    Posted on Sunday, 1 October 2006

    Sep 23, 1811
    Darcy is admonished by Bingley for his behaviour at the Meryton Assembly

    Well thank you very much Darcy for almost ruining my introduction into Meryton society.
    Society? You call that a society?
    All you had to do was smile and be courteous and perhaps dance with one or two of the local ladies.
    The last time I danced with a new acquaintance, Bingley, she ended up chasing me across all of London and half of Derbyshire.
    Well, this Miss Elizabeth Bennet doesn't appear to be that sort, and, quite frankly, if you had danced with her then it might have helped me out with her elder sister, about whom I hope to have some saucy dreams tonight. Surely Miss Elizabeth is as handsome as that silly Hawthorne girl with whom you danced twice in July at the Admiral's ball.
    But Miss Cynthia Hawthorne didn't have the mother that the Bennet girls are blessed with. Had I danced with Bennet Number Two, her mother might be the one chasing me across England. I'd get no peace at all while I'm trapped here.
    Trapped? Well thank you very much. ... Anyway, how did you enjoy that well-deserved snub from Miss Elizabeth? I dare say she heard that remark you made about her.
    What? What remark? What snub?
    Your remark about her being merely tolerable.
    I said no such thing.
    And when she remarked upon the angle of your nose, Miss Lucas almost choked on her punch.
    Well, it doesn't really matter to me. I don't expect to see much of the Bennet family in the future. ...You don't really think she heard that remark, do you?
    Well, I certainly hope to see more of the Bennet family. And I expect you to accompany me when I pay calls there, hunting trips, that sort of thing. And I was thinking of throwing a ball here at Netherfield. What do you think?
    A ball? Oh, I just remembered. I'm needed at Pemberley on that day.
    Oh, no you don't, Darcy!
    No, she couldn't possibly have heard me.

    Nov 13, 1811
    Darcy and Miss Bingley are having breakfast when Elizabeth arrives to look after Jane

    How clever of you, Miss Bingley, to invite Miss Bennet to dine at Netherfield when your brother and I were away.
    Why thank you, Mr. Darcy.
    All the appearance of civility without the risk of fueling your brother's besottment.
    Yes. I thought it was most ingenious. It was Louisa's idea. My word, leave it to Charles to become infatuated in less than a week.
    However, your plan seems to have backlashed somewhat.
    Well, who rides horseback in the rain these days?
    I wonder if the rain was indeed an accident.
    Are you suggesting that Miss Bennet is more devious than we thought? Yes, perhaps she is even feigning her ailment.
    No, the doctor assures me that she is indeed quite ill. But I wouldn't put it past her mother to have engaged in a bit of skulduggery.
    Oh, yes, indeed. Mrs. Bennet, yes ... Oh, what is it now, Rutherford? Another Miss Bennet is here? Well, Mr. Darcy, we'd best join Charles and Louisa in the parlour to receive her. Oh, wait, Mr. Darcy, not so fast. Wait for me. ... Oh, Miss Eliza Bennet! How good to see you. But did you actually walk all the way here?
    My goodness, what a condition she was in. Do you not agree, Mr. Darcy, that her appearance was most extraordinary?
    Yes, and her eyes were quite brightened by the exercise.
    Excuse me, Mr. Darcy?
    Yes, her fine eyes, her fine, ...um.
    Her fine what, Mr. Darcy?
    Her fine ...
    Yes?
    ... hair.
    Her hair? That blowsy mess that was strewn all about her shoulders like a wet mop? You would never wish your sister to be seen in such a state, I dare say.
    Oh, most certainly not.
    Shall I send my maid to help tidy up her hair?
    No, no, I think her hair looks quite..., um, well...
    I'm sending my maid. Martha! Martha!

    Nov 27, 1811
    Darcy accompanies Bingley to London after the Netherfield ball

    It's all for the best, Bingley.
    Oh, leave me alone, Darcy. ...Blast! Explain to me why I have to leave Netherfield just because I enjoy socializing with the natives.
    You went a bit too far with your socializing.
    So I like Miss Jane Bennet and paid her some attention. Why am I not allowed some pleasure with the opposite sex? I haven't asked for her hand yet if that's what you're worried about. I'm not sure she even likes me all that much.
    That's just it, Bingley. Would you want to get attached to a woman who was not in love with you? I think her mother is more in love with you than she is.
    I did notice, Darcy, that you deigned to dance with Miss Bennet's sister. That didn't go too well I gather, from what I could make of the tone of your conversation. You find her tolerable now?
    Well, having become acquainted with her at Netherfield, I thought it only proper to dance with her. At least once.
    Hurst says you stared at her for an hour before asking her to dance.
    In his drunken dreams, perhaps.
    Perhaps it's you who needs to get away from Netherfield if only to escape Miss Elizabeth's influence. Is that the real reason we're leaving? Why don't you just stay in London and I'll return to Netherfield myself tomorrow.
    Look, Bingley. Both your sisters agree that Netherfield was a big mistake.
    The only mistake I've made is letting my sisters run my life. You should see the type of woman that Caroline sends my way. Vultures! Like that Margaret Bloody Blethyn.
    Bingley!
    Well, I'm fed up with everyone's interference. I have half a mind to turn this carriage around.
    Your sisters are packing their belongings and they're leaving in a few days. You can't really run Netherfield by yourself, Bingley.
    Well, perhaps Miss Bennet would be willing to help me run it. ...Oh, Darcy... Well, you needn't worry about Miss Bennet Number Two's influence on you any longer. I expect she's receiving a proposal of marriage from that Mr. Collins even as we speak.
    What? What?
    This is the rumour that I heard last night at the ball. Mr. Collins paid a good deal of attention to her. Did you not notice? He even danced with her before you did.
    What? Turn this carriage around!
    Oh, Darcy... I'm going to miss Hertfordshire dreadfully.
    That odious rector? That simpering little --
    Darcy, do you think I should write a letter to Miss Bennet?

    Mar 27, 1812
    Darcy talks with Anne de Bourgh in the library at Rosings

    Anne, How are you?
    Quite well, cousin.
    Can I get you a chair? A blanket? A hot water bottle?
    Very funny, Darcy. Shall I have my mother join us?
    All right, all right. So how are you really?
    Well, the usual. I don't get out much. Mrs. Jenkinson is always hovering around me. Mother is always hounding me about when you and I are getting married. Have you set our wedding date yet?
    Ha, ha. Why don't you just tell her that I'm not your type?
    But you're her type. I've tried to talk to her again but you can imagine how she gets just before your visit every year. 'Anne, put on some rouge, fix up your hair. Your cousin Darcy is coming. He might make his official offer soon.' I can't get in more than five words at a time. Why don't you speak to her, cousin? Or are you just as cowardly as I am?
    She hasn't heard a word I've said in ten years.
    You know she still brings up that time when you kissed me.
    I was eleven years old. And it was your birthday.
    Yes. I remember getting several nice kisses that day. ... Perhaps we should get that Miss Bennet to speak to her. She seems to have no trouble saying anything at all to mother.
    Yes, she'd make a good barrister, I dare say.
    Of course, she gets to go home to Hertfordshire in a few weeks and never has to put up with my mother again. You certainly pay a good deal of attention to her.
    What? Me? No, no, I'm just an old acquaintance of hers.
    Old? You met her just last autumn, did you not? And now she's followed you here.
    Nonsense. She had no idea that I'd be here.
    But she knew that you were mother's nephew, did she not? Maybe she came here to curry favour with mother, in the hope of --
    Anne, don't be ridiculous!
    Oh, don't worry, Darcy. I'm just teasing with you. I'm sure she does indeed find you as tiresome as we all do.
    Hmmm. Do you really think so?
    I've hardly been able to speak more than two words to Miss Bennet. She's either listening to mother or arguing with you. And I'm quite afraid of that biting wit of hers.
    Oh, no. She's quite charming when she's talking with someone that she doesn't find threatening.
    Like you and mother. She has nice long chats with the Colonel, though. He seems to like her a lot more than he likes me.
    What's this? Are you jealous of the attention she receives from Richard?
    No, no. Of course not. ... Well, maybe a little bit. He never talks to me except to tell me that I should eat more, or get more sun, or --
    Well, he is a colonel after all. Accustomed to giving orders. Try smiling at him more. Tease him the way you tease me. Something like, 'Won any wars lately, Colonel?' Make him laugh.
    Oh, of course. I'll just call upon my great storehouse of jokes and anecdotes. He'll be rolling on the floor. 'Colonel, have you by any chance heard the story about the lady with the big ...'
    Ha, ha, I'm sure he already knows lots of stories like that.
    Oh, do tell me one, cousin.
    Hardly.
    Oh, Darcy, I wish I had a female cousin. Or even a female friend. Mrs. Collins is only ever here with her husband. Do you think Miss Bennet would write to me?
    Why don't you drive your phaeton by the parsonage tomorrow and have a visit with her?
    I have driven by there many times, and she's usually visiting with someone already. Oh, yes, that would be you.
    Well, yes, I've paid a call once or twice.
    Once or twice? Just imagine what mother would say if she knew you how many calls you've paid to Miss Bennet. I'd like to be an ant on the mantle when that conversation takes place.

    Mar 28, 1812
    Darcy talks to Colonel Fitzwilliam at Rosings

    That Miss Bennet is quite the young lady, eh, Darcy?
    What? Oh, yes. Indeed.
    Witty. Intelligent. Stands up to our aunt pretty well, eh?
    Indeed.
    And beautiful. Is this what all Hertfordshire ladies are like, Darcy?
    I'm afraid not.
    Do you think she fancies me, cousin?
    What?
    Do you think she likes me?
    Why would she fancy you?
    Why not? I do have a modest army income, more than enough for two. And I understand that her home is entailed away to Mr. Collins of all people. And of course I'm devilishly handsome.
    And?
    And, well, ...I wonder if she likes me.
    Well, no, Richard. I think she might be setting her sights a bit higher.
    Higher? Where? Whom?
    Come now, Richard. You yourself have told me many times that you need to snag someone with a halfway-decent fortune.
    I know, but it's not easy finding such a woman. A rich lady who's impressed with my red coat. Miss Bennet, on the other hand, is quite the delightful --
    Oh, come now. I don't think you're quite her type. She has lots of younger sisters who admire red coats.
    And you think Miss Elizabeth is setting her sights higher. At, perhaps, yourself?
    Well, ...
    Of course, she knows that you're to marry Anne. And you and Miss Bennet don't seem to get along very well at all. Always sparring with her, eh? Why is that? She sure shakes you up, Fitzie.
    Hmmm.
    I say, cousin, why don't you stay behind here at Rosings this afternoon and let me pay a call at Hunsford on my own. Eh, Darcy? I think the Collins's are out today visiting around the parish.
    Miss Maria Lucas likes red coats, cousin.
    Eh, for sure. And how old is she? About fifteen? Very funny, Darcy. No, I think Miss Bennet is more my cup of coffee.
    Actually, cousin, I think Anne quite likes you.
    Anne? Anne de Bourgh? Now you're pulling my leg. As if Aunt Catherine would ever have me for a son-in-law. What makes you think Anne likes me? She hardly even speaks to me.
    Well, maybe if you didn't intimidate her so much --
    Me? Intimidate her? The only people I intimidate are those under my command. And even those ...
    Maybe your military manner carries over into your dealings with Anne. 'Anne, you should eat more food, get more sun, ...'
    Well, she makes me nervous.
    You? Nervous?
    The way she looks at me.
    Maybe that's the look of love, Richard.
    Oh, for the love of Blucher! Give me Miss Bennet any day!
    Forget about Miss Bennet and just try talking to Anne this afternoon. You remember how she blushed when you kissed her that one time on her birthday? I remember that her cheeks went quite red.
    We were children. And you kissed her too.
    Anne is a very charming young lady. Try telling her a joke.
    Oh, of course, Darcy. I'm sure she'll like my jokes. You don't even like my jokes.
    Tell her the one about the lady with the big, ...you know...

    Aug 4, 1812
    On the road to Pemberley with the Bingleys

    An urgent message for you, Mr. Darcy. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
    All right, that's enough, James. Keep your voice down. Where have you been? I was beginning to think that Mr. Reynolds had forgotten our little ruse.
    No sir. A delay in Buxton is all. Oh, look out, sir. Miss Bingley is coming.
    Oh, um, ahem, thank you, my good man. Ah, Miss Bingley. I'm afraid I have bad news --
    Let me guess, Mr. Darcy. Your steward again.
    Yes, it seems that I am summoned to Pemberley. Some urgent business. I'll have to ride on ahead.
    Oh, Mr. Darcy. Is your steward not able to get by without you for even one day?
    Well, running Pemberley is a hard business, Miss Bingley. Please have a pleasant trip. I'll have everything ready for you when you arrive tomorrow. Now please excuse me while I say good-bye to Georgiana.
    Um, hello dearest.
    Hello, brother. Don't tell me. You're riding on ahead again, aren't you? Why do I have to suffer alone with Miss Bingley just so you can avoid her again for one day?
    I'm sorry, Georgiana. I need to be alone with my thoughts for a few hours, and Miss Bingley will not stop talking.
    Why can't I ride on your horse with you? Maybe I'm needed at Pemberley as well.
    Why don't you just pretend to be asleep in the carriage?
    Well, next time you should just put a sleeping potion into Miss Bingley's tea instead of stranding me here like this. She is not stupid, you know. The next time you try this she will begin to suspect.
    I'll make it up to you, my sweet.
    Marry that girl from Hertfordshire that you were telling me about. If you marry Miss Bingley I'll ...I'll, throw myself from my bedroom window.
    Don't worry on that account, Georgiana. I won't be marrying Miss Bingley any time soon.
    What was the name of her house? Longmouth? Longbottom?
    Forget about her. Now have a nap.
    I hate you.
    Oh, Georgiana.
    Oh, Fitzwilliam, I'm sorry. Come let me kiss you. But I dare say you owe me another pianoforte.

    Aug 10, 1812
    Darcy tracks down Wickham in London

    Darcy! I say, old chap. How good to see you.
    I'm sure, George.
    What brings you to town? Let me buy you a drink. Oh, don't look at me like that, old friend.
    Friend?
    Well, you did call me 'George'. Can't I call you 'Fitzie'?
    I wouldn't want to waste your good father's surname on the likes of you.
    Come, Darcy. Surely we can put the past behind us. I was hoping to let bygones be bygones at that ball in Hertfordshire last year. At Netherburg, wasn't it? But unfortunately I was detained on business.
    Yes, I remember. I just don't understand why your Colonel didn't keep a better eye on you this year after what I told him last year.
    Darcy, look at me, I'm a new man. That incident with your sister last year taught me a great lesson. I've turned over a new leaf. And I now have a vocation. Look at me, an officer.
    Yes, what better way to prey upon young ladies than to wear a red coat.
    Oh, Darcy. Now you've cut me to the quick. What can I do to make you see how I've changed?
    You can marry Miss Lydia Bennet.
    ...
    Immediately.
    Miss who?
    My associates are at your lodgings as we speak, talking to the young lady. And Colonel Forster tells us that you're absent without leave.
    What do you care of Lydia Bennet?
    I care to see her family left unharmed by my silence last year in Hertfordshire.
    Look, Darcy. It'll be a frosty fortnight before I marry Lydia Bennet.
    You see those two big brutes over there? You remember my valet, I'm sure, but you've never met his brother. See how closely they're watching us? Do you see what his brother is holding? It's made of iron.
    Darcy, how can I marry that girl? I have no money, I can't go back to my regiment, --
    I'll find a new commission for you. And what about your debts? How many new ones need to be settled? Wait, don't tell me. I don't want to hear how much more you owe. You can tell my associates later.
    A new commission?
    Yes, in Newcastle.
    Newcastle-Upon-Bloody-Tyne?! You can't be serious!
    Or Scotland.
    Oh, for god's sake, Darcy. I can't believe you're actually doing this just to help some wretched family up in Hertfordshire. ...Oh, wait a minute, Darcy, wait a minute. Now I understand. Which one is she?
    Which one is what?
    I'll bet it's Elizabeth. You must be hoping that I'll tell my new sister Elizabeth what a wonderful fellow you are to have done this for Lydia. And then she'll jump right into your lap. Oh, don't you worry, Darcy old boy. I'll have a few choice words for her.
    I don't think you want the Bennet family to know how this marriage came about. No one except the mother would be pleased. Mr. Bennet, on the other hand, has several big strong farmhands who sometimes get careless with their pitchforks.
    Hmmm.
    Well?
    You know, Darcy, I've heard that Newcastle boasts some very fine scenery this time of year.

    Aug 13, 1812
    Darcy and Mr. Gardiner have a chat in Gracechurch Street after Lydia's wedding

    Well, it's done, Mr. Darcy. I can hardly believe it. Allow me to thank you once again on behalf of the Bennet family.
    Mr. Gardiner, if you thank me one more time I'll send you a bill.
    Ha, ha. All right, Mr. Darcy. No more thank-yous. But I can't promise that my wife won't thank you a few more times.
    Anyway, I should be off. I must say I've enjoyed your company immensely. And your wife's.
    But wait, sir. You can't go without having some dinner with us. The children are making you a gift in return for building the teeter totter.
    Oh, that's not necessary, sir.
    Well, then, you go tell the children that you won't be staying for dinner. And try to convince my wife.
    Ha, ha. You are driving a hard bargain, Mr. Gardiner.
    Now come over here and have another brandy. ...Um, Mr. Darcy, can I speak frankly?
    Well certainly, sir. What is it?
    My wife believes that you have done our family this service not only to appease your own conscience regarding Wickham, but also because you have a certain regard for one of our nieces.
    Oh, well, no, no, I really wouldn't say, ...no, um ... oh, for heaven's sake, is it really that obvious?
    To my wife it is.
    Well, I must say, I've never met anyone in my entire life quite like Miss Elizabeth. A lovely young woman without pretense, no silly flattery, no fluttering eyelashes, just wit and grace, kindness and consideration. And so beautiful. ...But she has no regard for me, however. In fact, she despises me.
    What? That can't be.
    I'm afraid it's the truth. She made that perfectly clear when I saw her last April.
    But she seemed to get along with you quite well when we were all at Pemberley. What makes you think she feels that way?
    Well, she told me to my face that I was the last man on earth that she could ever be prevailed upon to marry.
    Oh, my word. I'm not sure I want to know the context in which that message was delivered. But let me say, not wishing to give you false hope, that her opinion of you did change quite materially while we were at Pemberley. Originally we had to drag her there. She only entered the house when your housekeeper insisted that you were not at home. But later my wife and I saw her smiling whenever we spoke of you or your sister. In any case, when Lizzy finds out what you've done for Lydia I think you'll see a difference.
    No! She can't find out. I don't want her to think that I'm trying to curry favour with her.
    But you are, aren't you?
    No. I... I just didn't want Miss Elizabeth's life ruined by the actions of her sister. She deserves so much more.
    But we must tell her. How can we keep such a thing secret?
    Just don't tell her. Tell no one. I've already told Miss Lydia, er, Mrs. You-Know, to keep quiet. I said that if her family found out about my involvement then her husband's commission would be forfeit.
    Well that should keep her quiet.
    I hope so.
    In any case, Mr. Darcy, my own silence comes with a substantial price.
    A price? Mr. Gardiner! I never expected... What, then? What is it you want?
    A fishing lesson at Pemberley, sir.

    Sep 9, 1812
    Darcy persuades Bingley to return to Netherfield

    What? Return to Netherfield? Who will run it for me? Caroline won't come.
    Netherfield will run itself. As long as you don't try to throw a ball, you'll do fine.
    Oh, so now Netherfield will run itself. Look, Darcy, if you want to go back to Netherfield, then by all means go. You don't need me. What's in Hertfordshire that you need so badly?
    I need you there. Wouldn't you like to see Miss Bennet again?
    What?! Now you're allowing me to see Miss Bennet? Has her mother just died?
    Well, no, but for some time now I've had reason to believe that Miss Bennet does indeed love you.
    For some time? She loves me? Explain.
    Well, I've learned from an impeccable source --
    When was this?
    Um, last April.
    April? And what if I had asked that ridiculous Susan Hawley for her hand last month? I came pretty close, you know.
    Well, no worry on that account. I had just discovered a few things about Miss Hawley --
    Well thank you for meddling in my life once again, Darcy. So who's this impeccable source from April?
    Miss Bennet's sister.
    Which sister?
    Miss, um, Elizabeth.
    Miss Elizabeth?! You yank me away from Jane Bennet last November and then you frolic with her sister in April?! So you were at Longbourn last spring?
    No, they weren't at Longbourn. I saw Number Two at Rosings on my annual visit there.
    They? They weren't at Longbourn? Where was Jane?
    Oh, in, um, London.
    London?!

    Oct 4, 1812
    Darcy has a chat with Lady Catherine after she has spoken with Elizabeth

    Darcy, come into the drawing room this instant!
    Oh, hello aunt. How nice to see you.
    Never mind that. I have to warn you about a most pressing matter.
    Yes, aunt?
    That tart from Hertfordshire has been circulating some vicious rumours. I went there to stifle her and to extract a promise that she will cease immediately.
    What tart? What rumours?
    Oh, Darcy, pay attention. That Bennet girl who is friendly with Mrs. Collins. She has spread rumours that you and she are engaged.
    Engaged?
    Don't sit there and smirk at me like that, Darcy. This is serious. What will this do to Anne's reputation, to have the name of her betrothed associated with a common --
    What did she say?
    What? What did who say? Miss Bennet? What does it matter what she said? That little strumpet spoke to me in such a manner that ... What do you find so funny, Darcy? I need you to make your offer to Anne as soon as possible. An official offer. Before these rumours proliferate across the entire country.
    What did she say, aunt?
    Miss Bennet? She completely refused to co-operate with me! That little rustic trollop would not even admit to her malicious rumour-mongering, nor would she promise to leave you alone.
    Leave me alone?
    I wouldn't be surprised if she were on her way to Pemberley right now to throw herself under your feet.
    Aunt, tell me what she said!
    Darcy, hold your voice down. There are servants about.
    Tell me!
    She wouldn't refuse to desist in not avoiding an engagement with you.
    Excuse me, aunt? She avoided to refuse, ...what, exactly?
    No, no. Listen, nephew. She refused to promise not to enter an engagement with you.
    Oh, oh, I see.
    And she ...Darcy, pay attention! Look at me.
    And why did you need such a promise from her? Are you expecting me to make her an offer?
    No, I should say not. But you might be lured by her wiles and her --
    Like I've been lured by your wiles, aunt.
    What? Darcy! How dare you!
    You've insinuated since I was a boy that I would have to marry Anne.
    But of course you will. It was your mother's wish, and mine. ...and your father's.
    Oh, no it was not, aunt. My father warned me about this many years ago.
    This is not to be tolerated, Darcy! Do I have to extract a similar promise from you?
    Oh really, aunt. I will make no promise of the kind.
    What? Are you and that tramp conspiring against me and the wishes of your family?
    Whose wishes? Your wishes.
    And Anne's wishes. Do you mean to subject my poor daughter to --
    Your 'poor' daughter has no intention of marrying me. Why don't you listen to her some time?
    You are being ridiculous. Anne will be devastated when she hears of this. You have taken leave of your senses. I have no more to say to you.
    Good day, aunt. Pleasant journey back to Kent.
    Darcy, wait. Let us talk calmly and rationally about this. Sit down here beside your old Aunt Catherine. Oh, all right then. Sit where you want, but listen to me carefully, er, I mean, please let your old Aunt Catherine explain to you the method by which girls like Miss Bennet try to --
    Actually, aunt, she tried to shun me at every opportunity.
    Oh, I don't think so, nephew. Young ladies such as herself --
    Then why did she refuse my offer of marriage last April at Rosings?
    What?! Are you insane, Darcy?! You've already made her an offer of marriage? So that's how these rumours have spread. Well, I should hope she refused you. She showed some good sense for once in her life. She knew you were destined for Anne.
    Oh, aunt. Go back to Kent.
    Darcy. If you continue to speak to me in this manner then you will no longer be welcome at Rosings Park.
    Then you can get someone else to clean up your affairs for you next Easter.
    How dare you, after all I've done for you.
    All you've done? What else would you like to do for me, aunt? Perhaps you could trim my hedges, or tie my cravat, draw my bath perhaps. You might make a good valet!
    Wait until my brother in Matlock hears of this. I never wish to see you again, nephew!
    Speaking of your brother, his son the Colonel may wish to have a word with you.

    Oct 9, 1812
    Darcy asks Mr. Bennet for his consent

    You want what?!
    Your daughter's hand, sir. She has accepted me, and --
    Um, excuse me a minute, Mr. Darcy. Am I to understand that my second daughter, my Elizabeth, has accepted an offer of marriage?
    Yes, sir.
    Marriage to you.
    Um, yes, sir, to me.
    Well I must say, Mr. Darcy, that I find this most unexpected. Quite frankly, sir, I thought that she had found you to be somewhat, well, um ...but tell me, Mr. Darcy, how is it that you even know her? You spent a few months here last autumn and then escaped from Netherfield immediately after your ball.
    Sir, I met her again last April, at Rosings Park, where I visit my aunt each year. Elizabeth was there visiting with her friend Mrs. Collins.
    I see. You call her 'Elizabeth' now. So what happened in April to change my daughter's opinion?
    Well, nothing actually, sir.
    Nothing? Then what caused this sudden reversal of her opinion? Or perhaps I should speak to her myself.
    Sir, if I may say, we also met at Pemberley last month --
    Oh, yes, with the Gardiners. I had forgotten. Just before Lydia ..., well, never mind about that. So she was exposed to the grandeur of Pemberley, was she?
    Sir, believe me, it was more than Pemberley that --
    Let me be frank, Mr. Darcy. There is no one more important to me in the entire world than my little Lizzy. The last thing I would want, or that she would want, would be for her to marry someone that she didn't love and respect. If you open your eyes and look about you you'll see many sad examples of marriages between people who don't... Oh, Mr. Darcy, please let me speak to Elizabeth alone. Could you send her in, please?

    Oct 9, 1812
    Darcy speaks with Mrs. Bennet while waiting for Elizabeth to speak to her father

    Oh, my goodness, Mr. Darcy. How nice to see you ...again. May I offer you some tea?
    No, thank you, madam.
    Well, then, perhaps some cake that Cook has just baked.
    No, thank you.
    Well, Mr. Darcy, allow me to find my daughter Elizabeth. Perhaps the two of you would like to take a walk to Oakham --
    Mrs. Bennet, your daughter is in the library speaking with her father.
    Oh, let me fetch her.
    No, please Mrs. Bennet. She is speaking to her father about... um, ...
    They could be in there for hours, playing chess or backgammon or something. I'd better fetch her. I'm sure she is most anxious to show you the view from Oakham Mount.
    Mrs. Bennet, she is talking with him about a ...well, a most serious matter.
    A serious matter? And, if I may ask, how have you become aware of a serious matter between Lizzy and her father?
    Well, um, Mrs. Bennet, a few moments ago I asked Mr. Bennet for Miss Elizabeth's hand in marriage.
    Oh, ...oh, ...oh, Mr. Darcy. I see. Yes, ...I see. Let me go talk some sense into the girl at once.
    No, Mrs. Bennet, please. Your daughter has accepted my hand, but I think her father is still somewhat skeptical.
    Well, then, I must go talk some sense into her father.
    No, please. I'm sure that everything will be fine. Actually, madam, I would indeed like some tea. And cake.
    Oh, my word. Hill! Hill! Some tea! And cake! ...
    ...
    There, tea is coming. Um, Mr. Darcy, I know that I have occasionally been rude to you in the past. I do hope you will be able to forgive me.
    Of course, madam. It is all forgotten. I have to admit that I myself have been, at times, quite, well --
    Three daughters married. My word. Oh, my nerves! Mr. Darcy, as to dinner tonight. Do you like mutton? Or pheasant perhaps?

    Oct 10, 1812
    Darcy tells Miss Bingley about his engagement

    Why, Miss Bingley. How pleasant to see you. But I thought you would never set foot in Netherfield again.
    Oh, hello, Mr. Darcy. I had to come as soon as I heard the terrible news. Tell me it's not too late to make Charles change his mind.
    I'm afraid it is.
    Oh, this is awful. What are we to do? Do you have a plan?
    Miss Bingley, you don't look well. Have a seat. Well, my plan, actually, is to get married myself alongside your brother.
    ...
    A double wedding.
    Oh, ...Mr. Darcy, this is so sudden. My word. Perhaps Miss Jane Bennet is not really so unsuitable after all. A double wedding? Oh, my.
    Um, not so hastily, Miss Bingley. Your smile betrays a possible misunderstanding --
    Mr. Darcy. Is there even time for me to prepare? Louisa won't be back from Essex until January. So much to plan --
    Miss Bingley, you'd better sit back down. I have some rather alarming news for you.
    What, Mr. Darcy? Or Fitzwilliam, I mean.
    I will be marrying Miss Bennet's sister, Elizabeth.
    ...
    Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
    Miss Eliza Bennet.
    The same.
    I see.
    Do you think that you would be able to set aside your differences with her? Your dislike?
    ...
    Miss Bingley?
    My dislike? But I adore both Misses Bennet. Did you not know, Mr. Darcy? And their family. So delightful. Especially their mother.
    Now look, Miss Bingley. I won't stand for any more of this from you. Ever since you and I met the Bennets --
    You won't stand for what?! How can I sit idly by while my brother throws away every advantage he has by marrying some country upstart with a ridiculous mother and an infamous rake for a brother-in-law? And then you, you, who I had hoped these past three years might open your fine eyes and make the proper choice, you are doing the exact same thing as my brother!
    What sort of proper choice?
    Can't you guess? Someone with connections, someone with a knowledge of society and fashion, someone --
    Someone such as yourself? Let me set your mind at ease once and for all and say that there was never any chance that I would marry you.
    ...
    And your abuse of Miss Elizabeth, since the moment we met her, --
    Sir, my abuse was only for your own protection. I could see how she was beginning to affect you, with her smiles and witty repartee and her silly eyes --
    And her muddy dress and 'blowsy' hair?
    Well, those were merely her provincial methods of attracting your attention. They were successful, were they not?
    Yes, perhaps you're correct. Perhaps I don't really love her. It was all a trick. Maybe I should indeed marry you after all.
    It might actually be to your advant--
    Good-bye, Miss Bingley!

    Darcy needs some gentle persuasion to attend the assembly in Meryton

    Posted on Saturday, 27 January 2007

    Sep 23, 1811

    Bingley, I have a book to read!

    Darcy, if you don't come to this assembly tonight then I'll be a laughingstock. I already promised Sir William Lucas that I'd bring a number of gentlemen.

    Well, you've already bungled that one. Having me there won't make much difference.

    Blast you, Darcy!

    I'm in no mood to be introduced to a bunch of ugly farmgirls.

    These are the daughters of gentlemen, Darcy. Country folk, yes, but you yourself have a house out in the country.

    But I don't socialize in Derbyshire. I save myself for London, where it counts.

    Sir William tells me there are many beautiful young ladies in the Meryton area: the Kings, the Johnstons, the Bennets, the Smiths. They'll all be there tonight.

    Well, I certainly wouldn't want to miss out on meeting the illustrious Smith family.

    And Caroline wants you to come, to dance with her. She dreads having to dance with a local farmhand.

    Oh, so she's allowed to avoid the farmhands but I have to put up with the local cowmaids? Get Hurst to dance with her.

    No, he'll be asleep in a corner somewhere.

    I only came into Hertfordshire in the first place to get a rest. I had quite the summer, you know.

    No I don't know. I hardly saw you at all last month. Where were you?

    Busy.

    Look, Darcy, if you stay here tonight then my liquor cabinet is off limits to you. I'll have Jensen lock it up.

    I brought my own.

    Well, then maybe your horse will somehow get loose tomorrow! Just think of the many ways I can make your life miserable while you're here.

    Oh, Bingley, all right, all right. No need to make a fool of yourself. I'll come.

    Good.

    Just try not to introduce me to anyone.

    Darcy gets a visit, and Mrs. Reynolds helps out

    Posted on Saturday, 3 February 2007

    A visit from an old friend


    Soon after returning to London from Rosings, Darcy is visited by an old friend.

    BUTLER
    Sir, Lord Herbert Castlemore is here to see you.

    DARCY
    Oh, good grief. That's all I need. Tell him I'm not in... Oh, Herbie! How good to see you.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Fitz! You young pup! How have you been!?

    DARCY
    Very well. And how is your family?

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Oh, blast the lot of them. Guess who I ran into at the club this afternoon. I had to come over straight away.

    DARCY
    Not old Uxbridge, I hope.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    No, no, much worse. It was your own cousin, Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam! He told me all about Kent!

    DARCY
    Um, Kent who?

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    None of that, Fitz! Spill your guts to me, man.

    DARCY
    Oh, yes, Kent. Well, we paid our annual visit to my aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Yes, yes. But what about this Miss Elizabeth Bennet?

    DARCY
    What?!

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Your cousin is quite taken with this Miss Bennet. But it seems she's too poor for him.

    DARCY
    Yes, Miss Bennet's circumstances are quite --

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    But he thinks that you've made her an offer.

    DARCY
    What? Me? An offer? An offer of what?

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    A carriage ride around Piccadilly Circus, Fitz. What do you think I'm talking about, man? An offer of marriage!

    DARCY
    Oh, don't be ridiculous, Herbie. She has no connections, a very embarrassing family --

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    As if you need more connections.

    DARCY
    My friend Charles Bingley became infatuated with her elder sister last fall, but I pulled him away just in time.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    I see, I see. So these Bennet girls are avaricious vultures like all the rest.

    DARCY
    Well, no, the Miss Bennets are not exactly vultures, but --

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Aha! Your cousin thinks that you and Miss Bennet are engaged and you've kept silent so that your aunt won't find out. I understand Lady Catherine has other plans for you.

    DARCY
    Oh, good grief! I am not engaged to Miss Bennet, Herbie!

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    You know where I found my wife, Fitz? Northumberland! Middle of bloody nowhere! Thirty years, man! Thirty years!

    DARCY
    Well, I'm still free and clear, Herbie.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    You mean she rejected you?

    DARCY
    What? How did you...? My god, Herbie, what an imagination!

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Aha! I've always been able to read your mind, Fitz, since you were ten.

    DARCY
    Oh, Herbie...

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    You remember what your father made me promise? When he knew he didn't have much time left? He knew all about the vultures.

    DARCY
    Yes, yes.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Now what's this Miss Bennet like, Fitzie?

    DARCY
    Oh, Herbie. What can I say? She did reject me.

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    Well, well. You don't say. ...You know what that means, I presume.

    DARCY
    What?

    LORD CASTLEMORE
    She's the one, Fitz. She's the one.


    Mrs. Reynolds helps out


    After Elizabeth leaves Pemberley suddenly, Mrs. Reynolds offers her assistance.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Sir, Miss Bennet had to leave suddenly?

    DARCY
    Yes, an important family matter.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Oh, what a shame. She seemed like a delightful young lady. Miss Georgiana is quite taken with her.

    DARCY
    I wish there was something I could do.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Sir?

    DARCY
    Oh, nothing.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    I have Mrs. Younge's address in London, sir, in case you need it.

    DARCY
    What? Mrs. Younge?

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Yes, sir. She was quite friendly with Mr. Wickham, you know.

    DARCY
    Wickham? Mrs. Reynolds, what exactly do you know about all of this?

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Well, Mr. Darcy, I know that Miss Bennet is the young lady that you met last autumn in Hertfordshire, and then at Rosings. And I know that Mr. Wickham has run off with her sister.

    DARCY
    Good grief. Are there any secrets in this house, Mrs. Reynolds?

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Well, only amongst the servants, sir.

    DARCY
    Sometimes I think I'm the least informed person in the entire household.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    You can rest assured, sir, that everyone at Pemberley has only your best interest at heart.

    DARCY
    My best interest? Mrs. Reynolds, I'm well aware that my choice of wife has a direct effect on the quality of life amongst the staff.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Yes, that is true, sir. Your mother, for example, was everything a mistress should be.

    DARCY
    What do you think of Miss Caroline Bingley?

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Miss Bingley? Um...

    DARCY
    Oh, don't look so horrified. I was just testing you. Have no fear of Miss Bingley.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Sir, I'm getting too old for that kind of a shock.

    DARCY
    As if you won't outlast me. I don't know what I'd do without you. ...I take it you approve of Miss Bennet.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Oh, I certainly do, Mr. Darcy. All of the staff thought she was --

    DARCY
    Well, I wish I could say she approved of me.

    MRS. REYNOLDS
    Sir?

    DARCY
    All right. What's Mrs. Younge's address?

    Two short dialogues between Darcy and Hurst

    Posted on Friday, 9 February 2007

    Nov 16, 1811

    Before the Netherfield Ball, Mr. Hurst tries to help

    HURST
    There you are, Darcy. So this is where you hide.

    DARCY
    Oh, hello Hurst. Care for a drink?

    HURST
    No, I've got one. ...I say, sport, won't it be nice when those Bennet girls are finally gone?

    DARCY
    Yes, I suppose. Why are you so anxious to see them go? Are they consuming too much of your tawny port?

    HURST
    No, no, but I can't get a wink of sleep in the parlour after dinner when you and Miss Elizabeth go at it.

    DARCY
    Go at it?

    HURST
    You keep on engaging her in some ridiculous conversation about poetry, or politics, or --

    DARCY
    Well, if there were anyone else around here who could carry on an intelligent conversation --

    HURST
    Your staring makes her uncomfortable, I think.

    DARCY
    My staring? My dear Hurst, I think you've been mixing your alcoholic beverages a bit too carelessly.

    HURST
    Darcy, you like this girl. I can tell. You'd better get yourself away from this place if you want to avoid being smitten the way my brother-in-law is.

    DARCY
    Since when have you become --

    HURST
    And she clearly doesn't like you, which only makes matters worse.

    DARCY
    Hurst, why don't you ...oh, pour me some of that port, will you?

    HURST
    For your own sake and Bingley's, we'd better quit this place as soon as this idiotic ball is over with.



    Aug 6, 1812

    After tea at Pemberley with Elizabeth, Mr. Hurst tries to help again

    HURST
    So, Darcy, Miss Bennet has wormed her way back into your life.

    DARCY
    What? That's a pretty cynical way of interpreting things.

    HURST
    She just happened to be here at Pemberley when you arrived?

    DARCY
    Oh, good grief, Hurst. She didn't know I'd be here. I only saw her because I returned a day early. Earlier than anyone expected. Just a stroke of luck.

    HURST
    Luck?

    DARCY
    Well, I mean an interesting turn of events.

    HURST
    I hear from my valet that your return was no accident. Mr. Reynolds asked you to return because he was instructed to.

    DARCY
    Instructed to? By whom? Are you suggesting that Mr. Reynolds is now in the employ of Miss Elizabeth Bennet?

    HURST
    People have been known to take bribes, you know, Darcy.

    DARCY
    Oh, Napoleon's Nobbins, Hurst! Has your sherry become curdled? Once again you're rambling like a lunatic.

    HURST
    Mark my words, Darcy. Miss Bennet has something else up her sleeve, I'm sure of it. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

    DARCY
    Maybe you'd better sober up with a glass of whisky. ...And by the way, where exactly did your valet learn of all this?

    The trip to Rosings

    Posted on Tuesday, 13 February 2007


    Mar 20, 1812
    Darcy's valet helps things along considerably

    DARCY
    Snelgrove, why have you begun packing? We're not expected at Rosings until late next week.
    SNELGROVE
    Sir, I thought that there might have been a change in plans.
    DARCY
    What? No, there's no change.
    SNELGROVE
    Pardon my presumption, sir, but I thought that perhaps one of your acquaintances might have made you aware of your aunt's current visitor.
    DARCY
    No. Why would I care about her visitors? It's hard enough just putting up with my aunt for a month. You of all people know how grumpy I get on these trips to Kent.
    SNELGROVE
    I'm sorry, sir. I thought that this visitor might be different.
    DARCY
    You did? Well then who is it? I hope it's not that Lady Melbridge from last year. My god, if she's there again I'm going to have to shoot myself in the leg. My cousin will have to go alone.
    SNELGROVE
    No sir, not Lady Melbridge.
    DARCY
    Who then? And why do you seem to know everything that goes on in my life better than I do?
    SNELGROVE
    The visitor is a recent acquaintance of yours from Hertfordshire. One of the Bennet daughters.
    DARCY
    What's that you say? Which one?
    SNELGROVE
    Well, I'm not quite sure, sir.
    DARCY
    Why would one of the Bennets be visiting my aunt?
    SNELGROVE
    I believe she is a good friend of Mrs. Collins.
    DARCY
    Mrs. Collins? Why would she... Oh, that Mrs. Collins. Yes. Oh, my god.
    SNELGROVE
    Sir?
    DARCY
    Snelgrove, stop talking so much and finish your packing!



    Mar 21, 1812
    Off to Rosings early

    COLONEL
    Why the rush, Fitz? Our aunt's not expecting us until next week.
    DARCY
    I know, but I might have to leave Rosings early on, um, business. So we'll need to get there a bit sooner to make up for it.
    COLONEL
    Fitz, isn't it a good thing when we can leave Rosings early?
    DARCY
    But I want to get our full time in at Rosings.
    COLONEL
    Since when are you so anxious to spend an entire month at Rosings? You're usually trying to worm your way out of this trip altogether.
    DARCY
    Well, this year I... um...
    COLONEL
    Yes?
    DARCY
    Well...
    COLONEL
    Oh, I see. You're finally going to spend more time with Anne. Have you set the date yet?
    DARCY
    Richard, don't be ridiculous.
    COLONEL
    You and our aunt de Bourgh want to finalize the wedding plans perhaps?
    DARCY
    Richard, remember I'm good friends with your commanding officer! Very good friends.
    COLONEL
    But Fitz, there's a shooting match next week at the ---
    DARCY
    Richard!
    COLONEL
    All right, all right, if you insist on going early. But I usually win at least twenty pounds at that shooting match, cousin.




    Mar 27, 1812
    Darcy talks with Anne de Bourgh in the library at Rosings

    DARCY
    Anne, How are you?
    ANNE
    Quite well, cousin.
    DARCY
    Can I get you a chair? A blanket? A hot water bottle?
    ANNE
    Very funny, Darcy. Shall I have my mother join us?
    DARCY
    All right, all right. So how are you really?
    ANNE
    Well, the usual. I don't get out much. Mrs. Jenkinson is always hovering around me. Mother is always hounding me about when you and I are getting married. Have you set our wedding date yet?
    DARCY
    Ha, ha. Why don't you just tell her that I'm not your type?
    ANNE
    But you're her type. I've tried to talk to her again but you can imagine how she gets just before your visit every year. Anne, put on some rouge, fix up your hair. Your cousin Darcy is coming. He might make his official offer soon. I can't get in more than five words at a time. Why don't you speak to her, cousin? Or are you just as cowardly as I am?
    DARCY
    She hasn't heard a word I've said in ten years.
    ANNE
    You know she still brings up that time when you kissed me.
    DARCY
    I was eleven years old. And it was your birthday.
    ANNE
    Yes. I remember getting several nice kisses that day. ... Perhaps we should get that Miss Bennet to speak to her. She seems to have no trouble saying anything at all to mother.
    DARCY
    Yes, she'd make a good barrister, I dare say.
    ANNE
    Of course, she gets to go home to Hertfordshire in a few weeks and never has to put up with my mother again. You certainly pay a good deal of attention to her.
    DARCY
    What? Me? No, no, I'm just an old acquaintance of hers.
    ANNE
    Old? You met her just last autumn, did you not? And now she's followed you here.
    DARCY
    Nonsense. She had no idea that I'd be here.
    ANNE
    But she knew that you were mother's nephew, did she not? Maybe she came here to curry favour with mother, in the hope of --
    DARCY
    Anne, don't be ridiculous!
    ANNE
    Oh, don't worry, Darcy. I'm just teasing with you. I'm sure she finds you as tiresome as we all do.
    DARCY
    Tiresome?
    ANNE
    I've hardly been able to speak more than two words to Miss Bennet. She's either listening to mother or arguing with you. And I'm quite afraid of that biting wit of hers.
    DARCY
    Oh, no. She's quite charming when she's talking with someone that she doesn't find threatening.
    ANNE
    Like you and mother. She has nice long chats with the Colonel, though. He seems to like her a lot more than he likes me.
    DARCY
    What's this? Are you jealous of the attention she receives from Richard?
    ANNE
    No, no. Of course not. ... Well, maybe a little bit. He never talks to me except to tell me that I should eat more, or get more sun, or --
    DARCY
    Well, he is a colonel after all. Accustomed to giving orders. Try smiling at him more. Tease him the way you tease me. Something like,'Won any wars lately, Colonel?' Make him laugh.
    ANNE
    Oh, of course. I'll just call upon my great storehouse of jokes and anecdotes. He'll be rolling on the floor. 'Colonel, have you by any chance heard the story about the lady with the big ...'
    DARCY
    Ha, ha, I'm sure he already knows lots of stories likethat.
    ANNE
    Oh, do tell me one, cousin.
    DARCY
    Hardly.
    ANNE
    Oh, Darcy, I wish I had a female cousin. Or even a female friend. Mrs. Collins is only ever here with her husband. Do you think Miss Bennet would write to me?
    DARCY
    Why don't you drive your phaeton by the parsonage tomorrow and have a visit with her?
    ANNE
    I have driven by there many times, and she's usually visiting with someone already. Oh, yes, that would be you.
    DARCY
    Well, yes, I've paid a call once or twice.
    ANNE
    Once or twice? Just imagine what mother would say if she knew you how many calls you've paid to Miss Bennet. I'd like to be an ant on the mantle when that conversation takes place.




    Mar 28, 1812
    Darcy talks to Colonel Fitzwilliam at Rosings

    COLONEL
    That Miss Bennet is quite the young lady, eh, Darcy?
    DARCY
    What? Oh, yes. Indeed.
    COLONEL
    Witty. Intelligent. Stands up to our aunt pretty well, eh?
    DARCY
    Indeed.
    COLONEL
    And beautiful. Is this what all Hertfordshire ladies are like, Darcy?
    DARCY
    I'm afraid not.
    COLONEL
    Do you think she fancies me, cousin?
    DARCY
    What?
    COLONEL
    Do you think she likes me?
    DARCY
    Why would she fancy you?
    COLONEL
    Why not? I do have a modest army income, more than enough for two. And I understand that her home is entailed away to Mr. Collins of all people. And of course I'm devilishly handsome.
    DARCY
    Of course.
    COLONEL
    I wonder if she likes me.
    DARCY
    Well, no, Richard. I think she might be setting her sights a bit higher.
    COLONEL
    Higher? Where? Whom?
    DARCY
    Come now, Richard. You yourself have told me many times that you need to snag someone with a halfway-decent fortune.
    COLONEL
    I know, but it's not easy finding such a woman. A rich lady who's impressed with my red coat. Miss Bennet, on the other hand, is quite the delightful --
    DARCY
    Oh, come now. I don't think you're quite her type. She has lots of younger sisters who admire red coats.
    COLONEL
    And you think Miss Elizabeth is setting her sights higher. At, perhaps, yourself?
    DARCY
    Well, ...
    COLONEL
    Of course, she knows that you're to marry Anne. And you and Miss Bennet don't seem to get along very well at all. Always sparring with her, eh? Why is that? She sure shakes you up, Fitzie.
    DARCY
    Can we change the subject, Richard?
    COLONEL
    I say, cousin, why don't you stay behind here at Rosings this afternoon and let me pay a call at Hunsford on my own. Eh, Darcy? I think the Collins's are out today visiting around the parish.
    DARCY
    Miss Maria Lucas likes red coats, cousin.
    COLONEL
    Eh, for sure. And how old is she? About fifteen? Very funny, Darcy. No, I think Miss Bennet is more my cup of coffee.
    DARCY
    Actually, cousin, I think Anne quite likes you.
    COLONEL
    Anne? Anne de Bourgh? Now you're pulling my leg. As if Aunt Catherine would ever have me for a son-in-law. What makes you think Anne likes me? She hardly even speaks to me.
    DARCY
    Well, maybe if you didn't intimidate her so much --
    COLONEL
    Me? Intimidate her? The only people I intimidate are those under my command. And even those ...
    DARCY
    Maybe your military manner carries over into your dealings with Anne. Anne, you should eat more food, get more sun, ...
    COLONEL
    Well, she makes me nervous.
    DARCY
    You? Nervous?
    COLONEL
    The way she looks at me.
    DARCY
    Maybe that's the look of, well, love, Richard.
    COLONEL
    Oh, for the love of Blucher! Give me Miss Bennet any day!
    DARCY
    Forget about Miss Bennet and just try talking to Anne this afternoon. You remember how she blushed when you kissed her that one time on her birthday? I remember that her cheeks went quite red.
    COLONEL
    We were children. And you kissed her too.
    DARCY
    Anne is a very charming young lady. Try telling her a joke.
    COLONEL
    Oh, of course, Darcy. I'm sure she'll like my jokes.You don't even like my jokes.
    DARCY
    Tell her the one about the lady with the big,...you know...



    Apr 9, 1812
    He bumps into Elizabeth near Hunsford

    ELIZABETH
    Oh. Here you are again, Mr. Darcy. I must apologize for interrupting your stroll yet one more time. I'll walk over in this direction, then, so that you --
    DARCY
    Oh, no, please walk with me, Miss Elizabeth. It is a pleasure to accompany you through Rosings Park.
    ELIZABETH
    Well, actually, my leg is a bit sore this morning. I wouldn't want to slow you down.
    DARCY
    On the contrary, all the more reason for me to remain at your side, for if you should need assistance then I could, um...
    ELIZABETH
    That's really not necessary. You must have a lot on your mind.
    DARCY
    On my mind?
    ELIZABETH
    Your upcoming marriage to Miss de Bourgh.
    DARCY
    What? Oh, well, that matter is not quite settled. I haven't --
    ELIZABETH
    Lady Catherine tells me that the happy event may actually take place this very autumn.
    DARCY
    Well, rumours of my nuptuals have been greatly exaggerated, Miss Bennet.
    ELIZABETH
    Miss de Bourgh is a very lucky woman, I'm sure.
    DARCY
    Well, the fact is --
    ELIZABETH
    I don't expect to receive an invitation myself, so perhaps I should offer my best wishes to you right now.
    DARCY
    No, no. It's not like that. Really.
    ELIZABETH
    I had rather expected to see you walking some morning with Miss de Bourgh.
    DARCY
    Well, her health...
    ELIZABETH
    Or riding with her in her phaeton.
    DARCY
    No, Miss Bennet, please. Allow me to say, ...
    ELIZABETH
    Yes, Mr. Darcy?
    DARCY
    I have struggled in vain these last few months... Oh, good grief. Here comes Fitzwilliam. I'd better go. Perhaps I can explain to you further after dinner this evening.
    ELIZABETH
    Very well. Perhaps I'll have a little chat with the Colonel.




    Apr 9, 1812
    Trying to write the letter to Elizabeth

    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Hey, Fitz. How's about that game of three-cushion you promised me?
    DARCY
    Sorry, not now, Richard. I've got a letter to write.
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Oh, that can wait. Wouldn't you like a chance to win back that twenty pounds?
    DARCY
    No, this letter can't wait. I need to write while it's all still fresh in my mind.
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    While what's fresh in your mind? Did something just happen that you have to tell Georgiana about immediately?
    DARCY
    No. It's not for Georgiana.
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Look Fitz, my billiard cue is in a very good mood right now.
    DARCY
    Why don't you go talk to Anne?
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Because she's in with her mother.
    DARCY
    Oh.
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Well, be not alarmed, Fitz, that your poor cousin Richard will die of boredom. After all, there is so much fun to be had here at Rosings.
    DARCY
    Richard, first thing in the morning. I promise.
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Morning? You're going to be busy with this letter all night?
    DARCY
    Yes, I'm afraid so.
    COLONEL FITZWILLIAM
    Good gad. ...I wonder if it's too late to call on Miss Bennet.
    DARCY
    Hmm. "Be not alarmed." ...I like that.



    Apr 10, 1812
    Commiserating with Anne

    ANNE
    Oh, Darcy, I still can't believe it.
    DARCY
    Yes, she rejected me.
    ANNE
    No, no. I mean I can't believe that you actually proposed to her.
    DARCY
    Well, you weren't expecting me to propose to you, were you?
    ANNE
    Oh, certainly not. But to ask for her hand right under my mother's nose?
    DARCY
    Your mother's nose?
    ANNE
    Oh, my mother could easily have a spy working as one of the maids inside Hunsford.
    DARCY
    Oh, I don't care any more.
    ANNE
    So what will you do now? How are you going to be able to dine here while Miss Bennet is sitting at the same table?
    DARCY
    Richard and I are leaving tomorrow. And she's not dining at Rosings tonight.
    ANNE
    Why did she reject you? Is she insane?
    DARCY
    Well, Richard unwittingly informed her of a few sordid details of my recent past.
    ANNE
    My goodness, if I were in her position I'd grab that fortune of yours faster than you could say "a corset from Dorset".
    DARCY
    I'm sure you would.
    ANNE
    I'd even be willing to put up with you as a husband just to get my hands on Pemberley.
    DARCY
    Thank goodness then that you already have Rosings.
    ANNE
    Oh, Darcy. I am fond of you, I hope you know that. I do want you to be happy. Should I try to say something to Miss Bennet? Not that I've been able to speak more than five words to her yet.
    DARCY
    No, there's nothing to be done.
    ANNE
    Well then. Couldn't you leave Richard here for a few more weeks?




    Apr 11, 1812
    Leaving Rosings sooner than planned

    COLONEL
    Why the rush to leave, Fitz? Important business in town?
    DARCY
    Yes.
    COLONEL
    A lot of things to arrange suddenly?
    DARCY
    What are you getting at?
    COLONEL
    Things, perhaps, of a matrimonial nature?
    DARCY
    What?!
    COLONEL
    I'm pretty sure I know what happened last Thursday afternoon, when Miss Bennet had her "headache".
    DARCY
    What? What do you think happened?
    COLONEL
    I'm sure you've made the right choice, cousin.
    DARCY
    Oh, good grief.
    COLONEL
    By the way, Fitz, I'd like to take a little bit of the credit for your good fortune. I had a little chat with Miss Bennet on Thursday morning. I put in a few good words about you. About what a kind and considerate friend you are.
    DARCY
    Yes, she told me all about the valuable information you imparted.
    COLONEL
    Well, I knew you liked her, so I thought I'd help grease the wheels. Glad to help.
    DARCY
    Don't mention it.
    COLONEL
    You know, cousin, I look quite good in my dress uniform. A very dashing groomsman, I dare say.

    Some dialogues with Georgiana

    Posted on Monday, 5 March 2007

    Feb 20, 1812
    Before Darcy goes to Rosings, Georgiana learns about Elizabeth

    GEORGIANA
    Brother, I asked Mr. Bingley about your sullen behaviour, and he explained that you met two young ladies in Hertfordshire last year.
    DARCY
    Yes, we met lots of people last year.
    GEORGIANA
    Why haven't you told me of this Miss Elizabeth before?
    DARCY
    Elizabeth? I don't think I recall anyone by that name.
    GEORGIANA
    Fitzwilliam!
    DARCY
    Oh, yes. Miss Elizabeth Bennet. I remember her now.
    GEORGIANA
    Mr. Bingley tells me that he likes her sister but that you and Miss Bingley convinced him that she was unsuitable in some way.
    DARCY
    Well, the Misses Bennet are in a rather unfortunate predicament.
    GEORGIANA
    He thinks you wanted to leave Netherfield to get away from this young lady's influence.
    DARCY
    Good grief. How much did he tell you?
    GEORGIANA
    We had quite a long chat. Miss Bingley was out at the milliner's.
    DARCY
    Georgiana, please. The subject of Miss Elizabeth is rather a difficult one.
    GEORGIANA
    But brother, you promised me many years ago that you would marry the right woman when she came along. Mr. Bingley made the Misses Bennet sound very wonderful.
    DARCY
    Well, their mother is somewhat of a --
    GEORGIANA
    Yes, he explained about her. Well, if this Miss Elizabeth's charms pale in comparison to her mother's conduct, then I suppose you were right in leaving them behind. I guess Miss Bingley was right.
    DARCY
    What? What did she say?
    GEORGIANA
    Well, Miss Bingley mentioned in passing that in Hertfordshire she met a couple of silly young trollops. That's why I asked Mr. Bingley for more details.
    DARCY
    Trollops? That woman!
    GEORGIANA
    Well, which is it, brother? What is this Miss Elizabeth really like? And when do I get to meet her?

    Apr 16, 1812
    After Rosings, Georgiana learns that Elizabeth had been there


    GEORGIANA
    Brother, guess who I had a nice long chat with today.
    DARCY
    Oh no. What is it now, Georgiana? I am not buying you another pianoforte. I think that four is quite enough.
    GEORGIANA
    No, no. Our cousin Richard was here earlier.
    DARCY
    Oh no. Don't believe a word he said.
    GEORGIANA
    Can you guess what he told me about? Or who?
    DARCY
    Good grief. Yes, yes. She was at Rosings.
    GEORGIANA
    And you didn't tell me. Why is she always such a big secret?
    DARCY
    My relationship with her is very complicated.
    GEORGIANA
    Richard thinks you're engaged to her.
    DARCY
    Oh, for heaven's sake. I most certainly am not.
    GEORGIANA
    Then why did you spend time with her at that parsonage while she pretended to have a headache?
    DARCY
    I didn't spend time with her. And she did have a headache.
    GEORGIANA
    How do you know that if you weren't there?
    DARCY
    Well, I'm sure she had a headache after I was there, that's for sure.
    GEORGIANA
    What? What did you say?
    DARCY
    Nothing.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, since she is obviously a particular friend of yours, I think I should write to her. I understand she has four sisters.
    DARCY
    No, Georgiana. I forbid it.
    GEORGIANA
    You know, brother, since you are having such a hard time finding a suitable wife, perhaps you should let me be the judge of Miss Elizabeth's worth. What do you think about that?
    DARCY
    I think that's ridiculous.
    GEORGIANA
    Now what was the name of her house?

    Aug 4, 1812
    On the road to Pemberley with the Bingleys


    MESSENGER
    An urgent message for you, Mr. Darcy. Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
    DARCY
    All right, that's enough, James. Keep your voice down. Where have you been? I was beginning to think that Mr. Reynolds had forgotten our little ruse.
    MESSENGER
    No sir. A delay in Buxton is all. Oh, look out, sir. Miss Bingley is coming.
    DARCY
    Oh, um, ahem, thank you, my good man. Ah, Miss Bingley. I'm afraid I have bad news --
    MISS BINGLEY
    Let me guess, Mr. Darcy. Your steward again.
    DARCY
    Yes, it seems that I am summoned to Pemberley. Some urgent business. I'll have to ride on ahead.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Oh, Mr. Darcy. Is your steward not able to get by without you for even one day?
    DARCY
    Well, running Pemberley isa hard business, Miss Bingley. Please have a pleasant trip. I'll have everything ready for you when you arrive tomorrow. Now please excuse me while I
    say good-bye to Georgiana.
    DARCY
    Um, hello dearest.
    GEORGIANA
    Hello, brother. Don't tell me. You're riding on ahead again, aren't you? Why do I have to suffer alone with Miss Bingley just so you can avoid her again for one day?
    DARCY
    I'm sorry, Georgiana. I need to be alone with my thoughts for a few hours, and Miss Bingley will not stop talking.
    GEORGIANA
    Why can't I ride on your horse with you? Maybe I'm needed at Pemberley as well.
    DARCY
    Why don't you just pretend to be asleep in the carriage?
    GEORGIANA
    Well, next time you should just put a sleeping potion into Miss Bingley's tea instead of stranding me here like this. She is not stupid, you know. The next time you try this she will begin to suspect.
    DARCY
    I'll make it up to you, my sweet.
    GEORGIANA
    Marry that girl from Hertfordshire that you were telling me about. If you marry Miss Bingley I'll ...I'll, throw myself from my bedroom window.
    DARCY
    Don't worry on that account, Georgiana. I won't be marrying Miss Bingley any time soon.
    GEORGIANA
    What was the name of her house? Longmouth? Longbottom?
    DARCY
    Forget about her. Now have a nap.
    GEORGIANA
    I hate you.
    DARCY
    Oh, Georgiana.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, Fitzwilliam, I'm sorry. Come let me kiss you. But I dare say you owe me another pianoforte.

    Aug 5, 1812
    Georgiana arrives at Pemberley one day after her brother, and he has some good news


    DARCY
    Georgiana, you're finally here. Come quick. I have some wonderful news.
    GEORGIANA
    I'm not speaking to you, brother. Do you have any idea what Miss Bingley was like today?
    DARCY
    Oh, never mind that. Guess who is visiting.
    GEORGIANA
    Visiting? Here? Now?
    DARCY
    No, in Lambton.
    GEORGIANA
    Can this wait until I've bathed for a few hours? Look at the mud in my hair.
    DARCY
    You'll never guess.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, you certainly look excited. If it's the King then tell him I'll be down as soon as my hair is washed.
    DARCY
    I think we should invite them to dinner tomorrow.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, anything that will divert Miss Bingley's attention is fine with me. So who is it?
    DARCY
    It's Miss Elizabeth Bennet!
    GEORGIANA
    Who?
    DARCY
    You know, that girl from Hertfordshire.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh my god. I don't believe it. This is wonderful! ...Did she come to marry you?
    DARCY
    No, no. She was touring the area with her aunt and uncle and fate landed her in my lap yesterday.
    GEORGIANA
    You spent yesterday with her? I hope you proposed marriage to her.
    DARCY
    Well, no, dearest. I couldn't --
    GEORGIANA
    We must go see her immediately. Invite her to dinner. Then you can propose afterwards.
    DARCY
    But the mud in your hair.
    GEORGIANA
    Why don't you propose to her right in front of Miss Bingley? I want to see the look on her face.
    DARCY
    Well, Georgiana, that's not how these things are done --
    GEORGIANA
    Let me brush the mud out of my hair. I'll be right back.

    Aug 20, 1812
    Darcy returns from the Wickham affair and has to explain himself to Georgiana


    GEORGIANA
    Brother! You're finally back. Tell me what happened. Are they married?
    DARCY
    Is who married?
    GEORGIANA
    I forced Mrs. Reynolds to tell me why Miss Elizabeth and you had to leave so suddenly. I can't believe Wickham has become so desperate.
    DARCY
    Oh, dearest, I'm so sorry. I was hoping you'd never have to hear his name again.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, for goodness sakes, Fitzwilliam. Do you think I'm still pining for him? He's a cad and I hope he's finally been ensnared.
    DARCY
    Yes, they're married. Good grief, what a fortnight.
    GEORGIANA
    You did this for Miss Elizabeth, didn't you?
    DARCY
    Well, in a way, yes.
    GEORGIANA
    Mrs. Reynolds also let slip about your proposal last April.
    DARCY
    How the devil did she know about that?
    GEORGIANA
    Miss Elizabeth rejected you? Why?
    DARCY
    Well, it's somewhat complicated.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, no. What did you say to her?
    DARCY
    Well, I said that I was willing to put aside her lack of, well --
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, no. You didn't. You couldn't.
    DARCY
    Georgiana, I haven't exactly had much practice at proposing marriage.
    GEORGIANA
    All you had to do was treat her nicely. Tell her how you felt about her. Tell her how lonely your sister is.
    DARCY
    I was going to try all that, but it didn't come out as I had hoped. The heat of battle, you know.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, when she finds out what you did for her younger sister then maybe she'll change her mind about you.
    DARCY
    No. She mustn't find out.
    GEORGIANA
    You're not going to tell her? Can you at least write her a letter?
    DARCY
    No, no. Not another letter.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, I'm going to tell her myself. Where's my quill?
    DARCY
    No, Georgiana. I forbid it.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, Fitzwilliam. She was so wonderful. I hated to see her go. Do you have any idea what it was like being alone again with Miss Bingley?
    DARCY
    I'm sorry, dearest. I'm afraid there's nothing to be done.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh yes there is. You can go back to Hertfordshire. Take Mr. Bingley with you. I'm sure he'll be willing to propose to Miss Jane.
    DARCY
    Back to Hertfordshire?
    GEORGIANA
    I dare say he won't make a mess of things.
    DARCY
    I'll wager Mrs. Reynolds told you about the proposal so that you'd force me into something like this.
    GEORGIANA
    And don't you dare come back here until you're engaged.

    Oct 14, 1812
    After everyone is engaged to be married, Georgiana arrives at Netherfield in a state of exuberation


    GEORGIANA
    Brother! Brother!
    DARCY
    Oh! Be careful, Georgiana, please. I've got some rare brandy in this glass. A gift from Mr. Ben--
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, Fitzwilliam! I'm so happy! Where's Miss Elizabeth?!
    DARCY
    And this is my best green coat.
    GEORGIANA
    When can I start calling her "sister"?!
    DARCY
    Well, we're not married yet, dearest.
    GEORGIANA
    Can I call her "Lizzy"?!
    DARCY
    Of course.
    GEORGIANA
    Where is Jane?!
    DARCY
    With Bingley, as usual.
    GEORGIANA
    Where are Kitty and Mary?!
    DARCY
    At Longbourn.
    GEORGIANA
    Let's go there! I'll bet their mother is ecstatic! Where is Miss Bingley?!
    DARCY
    Not here yet. She'll be here in a couple of days.
    GEORGIANA
    Can I be the one to tell her about you and Lizzy?!
    DARCY
    No, Georgiana. I will --
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, there she is! LIZZY!!

    Oct 21, 1812
    Georgiana confronts Miss Bingley, who has just heard the news of the engagements


    GEORGIANA
    Oh, hello Miss Bingley. You've arrived.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Yes.
    GEORGIANA
    Have you heard my brother's wonderful news?
    MISS BINGLEY
    Yes I have.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, I hope you're as happy as I am.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Delighted.
    GEORGIANA
    I thought that perhaps you and I could have a little party in their honour, here at Netherfield.
    MISS BINGLEY
    At Netherfield?
    GEORGIANA
    You're still the lady of the house here, at least for the time being. You could invite all their friends from the neighbourhood, and --
    MISS BINGLEY
    I don't think I'm quite up to that, Georgiana.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, that's all right. I didn't think you would be.
    MISS BINGLEY
    I beg your pardon?
    GEORGIANA
    I imagine you're disappointed with the way things have turned out.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Georgiana!
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, I'm sorry. Am I mistaken?
    MISS BINGLEY
    Why would you say such a thing?
    GEORGIANA
    Well, I know you don't really like Lizzy.
    MISS BINGLEY
    What?
    GEORGIANA
    I remember the things you said about her at Pemberley last August.
    MISS BINGLEY
    I was just surprised that she had appeared in Derbyshire so suddenly.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, they're engaged now and there's nothing you can do about it.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Georgiana, why are you speaking to me like this?
    GEORGIANA
    Because I think all you ever wanted was to worm your way into Pemberley. I don't think you really like my brother. Or me.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Of course I like you. I like you very much. I like both of you.
    GEORGIANA
    You latched on to my brother the moment you met him.
    MISS BINGLEY
    I did no such thing. There was no one else in his life when I met him. Why wouldn't I pay him some attention?
    GEORGIANA
    You just wanted a husband. A rich husband.
    MISS BINGLEY
    That's not true. I've met many rich men whom I'd never consider marrying. But your brother is one of the nicest men I've ever met. Any woman in her right mind would want to attract him.
    GEORGIANA
    But how could you say those things about Lizzy?
    MISS BINGLEY
    Do you have any idea what it's like to see the man you admire falling in love with someone else, right before your eyes?
    GEORGIANA
    Well...
    MISS BINGLEY
    I saw the effect she had on your brother, almost from the very beginning. It wasn't easy watching the two of them.
    GEORGIANA
    But Lizzy's so wonderful.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Oh, Georgiana. Please don't cry. ...I know how charming Miss Eliza can be.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh, Miss Bingley, don't you start crying too.
    MISS BINGLEY
    No, I'm not crying. I'm just... a bit relieved in a way. I can get on with my life now, so to speak.
    GEORGIANA
    I want you to be happy for them.
    MISS BINGLEY
    And I will be, in a day or two. I just need a little time.
    GEORGIANA
    Well, okay.
    MISS BINGLEY
    And then maybe we'll have that party.

    Dialogues: Lady Catherine arrives at Netherfield to protest

    Posted on Sunday, 11 March 2007

    Lady Catherine causes a big fuss at Netherfield

    LADY CATHERINE
    What a journey! Hertfordshire! Meryton! Middle of nowhere!
    DARCY
    Why, Aunt Catherine. How, um, nice to see you.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Don't you try to soften me up, nephew! Where is that young woman?
    DARCY
    Lizzy? Or Miss Bennet, that is.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Yes! Where is that harlot? She's addled your brain somehow.
    DARCY
    Aunt...
    LADY CATHERINE
    Do you have any idea of the censure you'll receive from every quarter?
    DARCY
    Aunt...
    LADY CATHERINE
    I've already made Countess Washwirth aware of your dreadful mistake.
    DARCY
    Aunt...
    LADY CATHERINE
    I don't see how this affair can possibly be hushed up.
    DARCY
    Aunt...
    LADY CATHERINE
    How will I be able to show my face at court after this?
    DARCY
    Oh, I think I hear Bingley calling. Back in a moment.

    LADY CATHERINE
    Oh, Georgiana, my dear. It's too bad you're here to see the horrible mistake your brother is making.
    GEORGIANA
    Aunt...
    LADY CATHERINE
    Go to my carriage. You can keep Anne company.
    GEORGIANA
    Aunt...
    LADY CATHERINE
    Don't worry, dear. I'll take care of this dreadful matter.
    GEORGIANA
    AUNT!!
    LADY CATHERINE
    Excuse me??
    GEORGIANA
    How DARE you talk about Lizzy like that!
    LADY CATHERINE
    What? You can't speak to me like that.
    GEORGIANA
    Oh YES I can! Get back in your carriage yourself and don't EVER come back here!!
    LADY CATHERINE
    What? Georgiana!
    GEORGIANA
    I don't EVER want to see you again!
    LADY CATHERINE
    But Georgiana --
    GEORGIANA
    You are no longer welcome at Pemberley! I don't care what my brother says. I won't let you IN!
    LADY CATHERINE
    Georgiana! Come back here at once!


    ANNE
    Mother, what is all the commotion?
    LADY CATHERINE
    Oh, Anne. Go back to the carriage. I don't want you to see any of this.
    ANNE
    Why is Georgiana so angry?
    LADY CATHERINE
    Georgiana is not herself today. My word. What's gotten in to that child?
    ANNE
    I want to see Miss Bennet. Where is she?
    LADY CATHERINE
    That's what I'd like to know. Wait a minute. Why do you want to see her? Go back to the carriage at once.
    ANNE
    Where is she?
    LADY CATHERINE
    Now, Anne. There's no call for violence. I wouldn't blame you, of course, but there are reasonable ways to settle issues like this one.
    ANNE
    I just want --
    LADY CATHERINE
    Go to the carriage at once.
    ANNE
    Not until I congratulate her.
    LADY CATHERINE
    What? Congratulate her? What is going on in this madhouse?!
    ANNE
    Oh, there she is. LIZZY!! I'm so happy for you!!
    LADY CATHERINE
    Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What is... Oh...


    MRS. BENNET
    Lady Catherine, are you all right?
    LADY CATHERINE
    What? What? Where am I? Who are you?
    MRS. BENNET
    I'm Harriet Bennet, Elizabeth's mother. Soon to be related to you.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Not if I have anything to say about it. Where am I? Why am I here? Why are you here?
    MRS. BENNET
    You're at Netherfield. You fainted. My other daughter will be mistress here soon. Mr. Darcy has gone to fetch the doctor. Lizzy is preparing a cold compress. Everyone else is in the parlour trying to decide what to do about you.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Do about me? But that girl. Your daughter, my nephew. Georgiana has gone mad. My own daughter is... Oh, dear.
    MRS. BENNET
    Just lie still. Let the doctor look at you when he gets here.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Is there any way to make people see reason around here?
    MRS. BENNET
    Reason? Is it reasonable to barge in to someone's house and start barking out orders?
    LADY CATHERINE
    I am Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and your daughter is a... is a...
    MRS. BENNET
    You are a ridiculous old woman, if you ask me.
    LADY CATHERINE
    No one needs your opinion, Mrs. Bennet. Who's ridiculous around here? Who is it that has five unmarried daughters?
    MRS. BENNET
    Four.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Four. Oh yes, that is a marriage to be proud of.
    MRS. BENNET
    I should say so. Mr. Wickham is a fine young --
    LADY CATHERINE
    A family of lowlifes..
    MRS. BENNET
    Elizabeth is the daughter of a gentleman. Not as highborn as yourself, I grant, but I'm sure she's good enough for that stuffy nephew of yours.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Stuffy? He is a Darcy, madam, of Pemberley, and I will thank you to treat us with the respect that is our due.
    MRS. BENNET
    Of course, he's much nicer to me now.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Five daughters and no sons. What were you thinking?
    MRS. BENNET
    Well, at least I tried to have a son. You stopped trying after one daughter. And now you're trying to palm her off on your nephew.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Anyone would be proud to be married to my daughter, Mrs. Bennet.
    MRS. BENNET
    Yes, with that grand estate of yours as her dowry.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Yes, indeed. Rosings is one of the --
    MRS. BENNET
    Well, here's Jane. She can take over these duties. Jane, dear, make sure Lady Catherine doesn't fall off the sofa. If she tries to get up then just sit on her until the doctor arrives..

    JANE
    How are you feeling, Lady Catherine?
    LADY CATHERINE
    I'm all right. Help me up.
    JANE
    No. You stay right there.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Do you know who I am?
    JANE
    Yes, Lady Catherine.
    LADY CATHERINE
    You're Elizabeth Bennet's older sister, aren't you?
    JANE
    That's right.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Send my daughter in to me. I need to see someone whom I can talk to.
    JANE
    She's occupied with Lizzy and Georgiana right now.
    LADY CATHERINE
    I don't understand how my own daughter could... How does your sister manage to bewitch everyone?
    JANE
    By being a nice person. If you got to know her better...
    LADY CATHERINE
    I do know her. She spent a great deal of time at Rosings last April.
    JANE
    Yes, I know.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Did she tell you that I tried to get her to stay longer? I did find her company quite diverting.
    JANE
    Did it ever occur to you that your daughter might never have had any intention of marrying Mr. Darcy?
    LADY CATHERINE
    I'd like to hear my own daughter say that to my face. Then I might begin to believe it.
    JANE
    Well, I'm sure she'd love to tell you if you'd only give her a chance. But let her celebrate with Georgiana right now.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Celebrate? Does Anne want to become an old maid?
    JANE
    I hear that she's in love with someone else.
    LADY CATHERINE
    What? Who? Is he suitable for her? For Rosings?
    JANE
    No, probably not. I imagine you'll be even more upset when you find out who he is.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Who?
    JANE
    I'm afraid I'm not authorized to --
    LADY CATHERINE
    Dear me. What am I going to do?
    JANE
    Well, here's Lizzy. You wanted to see her in the first place, didn't you?

    LIZZY
    How are you feeling?
    LADY CATHERINE
    Terrible.
    LIZZY
    Well, the doctor will be here soon.
    LADY CATHERINE
    No, not that kind of terrible.
    LIZZY
    Oh, well. Feel free to yell at me if that will make you feel better.
    LADY CATHERINE
    So you were engaged to my nephew all along.
    LIZZY
    No, I certainly was not.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Well then, after I saw you at Longbourn, how soon did you rush back to him?
    LIZZY
    I didn't. Your nephew gained the fortitude to ask me again.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Again?
    LIZZY
    Yes. He proposed to me in April, you know. At Hunsford.
    LADY CATHERINE
    What? You've been engaged to him since April?
    LIZZY
    No, no. I refused him in April.
    LADY CATHERINE
    You refused him? Oh, now my head is starting to hurt. Where is that doctor?
    LIZZY
    You're welcome to stay here at Netherfield until you're better, or as long as you'd like. And you'll always be welcome at Pemberley, Lady Catherine, no matter what Georgiana said.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Miss Bennet, it was my sister's special wish that our children should marry. I made a pact with her. How do you expect me to ignore my own sister's last request?
    LIZZY
    Things are different now, Lady Catherine. Everyone has grown older and has their own needs and --
    LADY CATHERINE
    I was with her when she died. She was holding my hand.
    LIZZY
    Why don't you just talk to Mr. Darcy and Anne, and listen to them. They have a lot to say. Try to gauge for yourself what is best for them.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Why can't everyone be like Mr. Collins?
    LIZZY
    I hope you'll like me some day, Lady Catherine. I really do. You're a very important part of Mr. Darcy's family.
    LADY CATHERINE
    But I do like you. That's always been the problem. I enjoyed having you at Rosings. I didn't want you to leave, you may recall. But, but...
    LIZZY
    Georgiana is very upset at what she said to you. She'd like to come in and apologize.
    LADY CATHERINE
    Your sister said that Anne is in love with someone that I know. Do you by chance have an idea who that might be?

    Darcy's Dialogues: Darcy barely survives his first weeks in Meryton

    Posted on Wednesday, 14 March 2007

    Sep 24, 1811
    Darcy meets Elizabeth on the street in Meryton after the assembly ball


    DARCY
    Oh, pardon me, miss. ...Oh, Miss Elizabeth Bennet.
    ELIZABETH
    Oh, I'm so sorry. Good day.
    DARCY
    Oh, but, but... We haven't been introduced.
    ELIZABETH
    Yes, that is true, sir. Perhaps we could rectify that oversight at the next assembly.
    DARCY
    Oh, but please, I'm Fitzwilliam Darcy, at your service.
    ELIZABETH
    Please pardon my clumsiness, sir. I'm just a little fatigued.
    DARCY
    Yes, perhaps by all the dancing last night. ...I mean, I believe I did notice you dancing once or twice. ...I mean, of course everyone was dancing quite vigourously.
    ELIZABETH
    Yes, most of us were. You yourself don't look the least bit tired, however.
    DARCY
    Actually, I am a bit worn out. I was out riding this morning.
    ELIZABETH
    I see. Your horse finds Hertfordshire to be tolerable?
    DARCY
    Yes, quite. However, I lost my riding crop. I wonder if I'll be able to find an establishment in Meryton that has a good selection of --
    ELIZABETH
    Flanny's. I'm sure he has one that will tempt you.
    DARCY
    Well, the one I lost was a gift from my father. It's rather a precious --
    ELIZABETH
    I'm sure your new one will always provide you with fond memories of your brief excursion into Hertfordshire.
    DARCY
    Brief?
    ELIZABETH
    I could tell from the look on your face last night that our society is not handsome enough to tempt you to stay.
    DARCY
    Oh, good grief. I see what's happened.
    ELIZABETH
    Excuse me, Mr. Darcy?
    DARCY
    I can see that you overheard a little remark that I made to Bingley last night. Would I be allowed to explain my meaning?
    ELIZABETH
    Oh, your meaning was quite apparent to everyone.
    DARCY
    Everyone?
    ELIZABETH
    Well, I told my friend Charlotte Lucas, and my mother. We all found it quite amusing.
    DARCY
    But the remark was intended only for Bingley's ear.
    ELIZABETH
    I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not accustomed to being insulted by a total stranger who refuses to be introduced to anyone in the room.
    DARCY
    But no insult was intended. Even though I said, um... Please, Miss Elizabeth. I tend to be rather, well, reserved around strangers. I can't carry on an impromptu conversation the way that Bingley can, and --
    ELIZABETH
    Well, dancing doesn't require any exceptional wit, sir. All you have to do is hop about the room a little bit.
    DARCY
    Believe it or not, Miss Elizabeth, I have danced with new acquaintances in the past, but as often as not my partner has attached undue significance to the honour.
    ELIZABETH
    The honour?
    DARCY
    Well, what I mean is --
    ELIZABETH
    I'm sorry, Mr. Darcy, if I appear to be such a predatory female. It was not intentional.
    DARCY
    Oh, good heavens, no, Miss Bennet, of course not, I would never suggest --
    ELIZABETH
    You could have feigned a sore leg or a bruised knee instead of insulting me. No one likes to be thought of as ugly, even by someone who --
    DARCY
    Miss Bennet! I never used that word! Can I not make a private remark to a friend without it being broadcast all over town?
    ELIZABETH
    I suppose that such an intimate remark to a close friend must have expressed your true feelings.
    DARCY
    No, no, Miss Bennet. You could hardly expect me to say to Bingley that you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen but that I was too shy to ask you to dance.
    ELIZABETH
    Well, that would have been more --
    DARCY
    I've met women who would have taken that remark as tantamount to a marriage proposal.
    ELIZABETH
    I assure you, Mr. Darcy, that if I were so anxious to get married to the first rich man who came along --
    DARCY
    And I can assure you, Miss Bennet, that if I were so anxious to become attached to every beautiful woman that catches my eye --
    ELIZABETH
    I'm sorry, Mr. Darcy, but my family is waiting for me. Good day.
    DARCY
    Oh. Good day then.

    DARCY
    Bingley, where in blazes have you been?
    BINGLEY
    Ah, Darcy. I see you've met Miss Elizabeth Bennet. And how is she this morning?
    DARCY
    She's just dandy. Look, Bingley, the next time we go to a ball, don't try to get to me to --
    BINGLEY
    Well, it's nice that she took the trouble to introduce herself to you. You see, Darcy. You've made a conquest already.
    DARCY
    Oh, good heavens.
    BINGLEY
    Oh, there she is with Miss Jane. I think I'll run over and invite them to tea. Maybe I can wangle an invitation to Longbourn. Coming?
    DARCY
    Um, no. I have to find a place called Flanny's for a new riding crop.
    BINGLEY
    Let's ask the Bennet sisters. They'll know where it is.
    DARCY
    Well, no, I'd rather just... Oh, wait. I think I see it over there.
    BINGLEY
    Where?
    DARCY
    Around that corner.
    BINGLEY
    Darcy! Enough of this nonsense! Let's go and catch them before they enter that dress shop.

    Sep 26, 1811
    After tea at Longbourn


    DARCY
    Well, Bingley, have you had enough of Hertfordshire yet?
    BINGLEY
    Enough? Are you anxious to leave already?
    DARCY
    If you're going to be dragging me to Longbourn every other day, then --
    BINGLEY
    You didn't enjoy our visit? I had a very nice time.
    DARCY
    Well, you had Miss Bennet to slobber over. I was glared at for an hour by Bennet Number Two and her mother.
    BINGLEY
    That didn't look like glaring to me. I think they were just admiring your waistcoat.
    DARCY
    I think Mrs. Bennet spilled tea on my lap on purpose.
    BINGLEY
    Why would Number Two be glaring at you? Oh, of course. Your rude behaviour in that dress shop.
    DARCY
    Rude? What do I know about hatpins and such nonsense?
    BINGLEY
    When are you going to learn how to compliment a woman, Darcy?
    DARCY
    When I find one that I can understand.
    BINGLEY
    Well, there are three other Bennet girls, you know. If Number Two doesn't suit you...
    DARCY
    Oh, please.
    BINGLEY
    What did you talk about with Mr. Bennet in his library for so long?
    DARCY
    I can't remember. I wasn't really listening. Of course he kept calling Miss Elizabeth in every ten seconds to ask her some silly question.
    BINGLEY
    Come now, Darcy. He only came into the parlour to get her once.
    DARCY
    He's just as bad as his wife. Parading his daughter in front of me.
    BINGLEY
    Yes. Miss Jane told me that her father consults with Elizabeth quite often. Number Two is quite an astute young lady. Too astute for my taste, that's for sure.
    DARCY
    You know, men are a lot sneakier than women when it comes to displaying their offspring.
    BINGLEY
    Wouldn't it be funny, Darcy, if you ended up marrying Miss Jane and I married Miss Elizabeth? Just like one of those farthing novels. A complete turnaround.
    DARCY
    I think it would be funny if I ever come back to this county. I have to leave for London in a couple of days, you know.
    BINGLEY
    Already? You promised you'd spend the entire autumn here with me.
    DARCY
    I think you just want someone here to keep your sister occupied. Get her to take up a pastime, like skunk-taming.
    BINGLEY
    Don't forget, Darcy, that if you're not going to be here then I'll have all the Meryton maidens to myself.
    DARCY
    Well, I really do have to get back to London for a while. And then up to Pemberley to check on Georgiana. But I'll be back in November, I promise.
    BINGLEY
    You'll miss all the fun.
    DARCY
    Try not to get married while I'm gone.

    Nov 9, 1811
    Darcy arrives back at Netherfield


    BINGLEY
    Darcy! Good to have you back finally. How was your journey?
    DARCY
    Fine.
    BINGLEY
    How is Derbyshire?
    DARCY
    Fine.
    BINGLEY
    How is Pemberley?
    DARCY
    Fine.
    BINGLEY
    How is Georgiana?
    DARCY
    Fine.
    BINGLEY
    You missed a lot of excitement while you were gone.
    DARCY
    You're not married to anyone yet, I hope.
    BINGLEY
    No, no. But Darcy, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
    DARCY
    Thinking?
    BINGLEY
    Yes. I was thinking about the grouchy mood you've been in since the summer. I was trying to think of ways to cheer you up.
    DARCY
    Well, yes. I know I haven't been myself since the summer. I guess I should apologize.
    BINGLEY
    I wangled an invitation to dine with Colonel Forster and his staff in a few days time. A night of fine food, brandy, cigars. No women to distract us.
    DARCY
    Yes, I could use such an evening, I must say.
    BINGLEY
    We won't even think about ladies all evening long.
    DARCY
    Masculine pursuits only.
    BINGLEY
    No mention of Jane or Elizabeth.
    DARCY
    No, no. Don't even say their names out loud.
    BINGLEY
    After all, we are men, Darcy. We have important matters to discuss. Problems of the world to be solved. Feminine concerns just get in the way of our manly endeavours. Billiards, whist. Maybe he has a dartboard.
    DARCY
    I hear the Colonel has a fine collection of German wine.
    BINGLEY
    We'll come back completely refreshed.

    Nov 12, 1811
    Dining with Colonel Forster


    DARCY
    Colonel Forster, may I have a word with you?
    COL. FORSTER
    Yes, yes, of course, Mister, um...
    DARCY
    Darcy.
    COL. FORSTER
    Yes, Mr. Darcy, of course. Mr. Fortley's good friend, I understand.
    DARCY
    No. Charles Bingley is my friend.
    COL. FORSTER
    Yes, yes, of course.
    DARCY
    Colonel, I just overheard your Captain Denny talking with Captain Rollins about a new officer joining the regiment soon. A Mr. Wickham.
    COL. FORSTER
    Wickham? Wickham. Can't say that I've --
    DARCY
    I know a George Wickham quite well, and if this is the gentleman being referred to then I'll have to warn you about some of his dreadful defects of character.
    COL. FORSTER
    Not to worry, Mr. Darcy. Not to worry. I'll keep my eye on him. Don't you worry.
    DARCY
    But, sir. Please allow me to describe some of the --
    COL. FORSTER
    No need, Mr. Darcy. Men under my command are held to the highest standards of military conduct.
    DARCY
    But he's a compulsive gambler and womanizer, sir.
    COL. FORSTER
    A gambler, you say? Does he know how to play Harrogate Hold'em by any chance? Ever since Captain Smackley left the regiment we've needed --
    DARCY
    Sir, I believe he's a danger to the reputation of your regiment in particular and the British army in general.
    COL. FORSTER
    Oh, have no fear, Mr. Darcy. I know exactly how to handle his type.

    Nov 12, 1811
    Returning to Netherfield after dining with the officers


    DARCY
    Thanks for the (burp) refreshing evening, Bingley.
    BINGLEY
    Darcy, stop knocking me over. Can't you walk straight?
    DARCY
    Oh, Bingley. What do they put in that German wine?
    BINGLEY
    Did you hear how the Colonel described that last bottle? Like fermented sweat from a Fraulein's armpits.
    DARCY
    I think it's pure alcohol with a drop of Rhine-water added.
    BINGLEY
    I hope Colonel Forster's hand gets better soon.
    DARCY
    I'm hiding my darts the next time you come to Pemberley.
    BINGLEY
    Oh, by the way, let's make sure we throw up before we get to Netherfield.
    DARCY
    I hope Miss Bennet doesn't see us like this.
    BINGLEY
    Who?
    DARCY
    Jane Bennet. She dined at Netherfield tonight. Your sister invited her.
    BINGLEY
    What?! She invited Jane?! Tonight?! When I wasn't there?! I'll throttle her!!
    DARCY
    Throttle her tomorrow. I need your help to carry Hurst up the staircase tonight.
    BINGLEY
    With my bare hands. Till she turns blue.
    DARCY
    If Miss Bennet sees us in this state, I hope she doesn't tell her sister.

    At the Meryton assembly ball

    Posted on Wednesday, 21 March 2007


    Sep 23, 1811
    At the Meryton assembly ball


    DARCY
    ... You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me.
    BINGLEY
    For heaven's sake, Darcy, how attractive does a lady need to be?
    DARCY
    Look, Bingley, I didn't come to Hertfordshire to quench everyone's thirst for dance partners.
    BINGLEY
    Well, at the very least you could dance with Miss Lucas. Her father has been quite helpful to me, introducing me around and so forth.
    DARCY
    I'd sooner dance with a horse.
    BINGLEY
    Well then let me introduce you to a few people. There's no point in being a stranger to the entire town.
    DARCY
    Bingley, I have a lot on my mind right now. I just need a little peace and quiet.
    BINGLEY
    Peace and quiet at a dance? Can you at least admit that those Bennet sisters are attractive?
    DARCY
    I've already acknowledged that the eldest Miss Bennet is very attractive. The rest are, well...
    BINGLEY
    Just remember, Darcy. Jane is mine. ...Oh, here comes Hurst. Maybe he can talk some sense into you.


    HURST
    Darcy, have you tried this sherry? It's Sir William's I'm told.
    DARCY
    Yes. Very nice.
    HURST
    Do you want me to introduce you to some of the young ladies? I've met every single one of them, you know.
    DARCY
    I'm not surprised.
    HURST
    I could introduce you to Miss Elizabeth Bennet if you wish.
    DARCY
    Who?
    HURST
    The girl you were staring at for half an hour.
    DARCY
    Who are you watching, Hurst, the ladies or me?
    HURST
    She took off like a rabbit when you were talking with Bingley. What did you say?
    DARCY
    She probably had to go milk a cow or something.
    HURST
    I think Charles won the jackpot this year. Lovely girls all around. What do you think of that bevy of Bennets?
    DARCY
    Tolerable, but not --
    HURST
    I wonder if they're the same five girls that I saw out walking a few days ago. ...Oh, good god. Here comes my wife. If you need me I'll be near the sherry.


    MRS. HURST
    Why Fitzwilliam. You appear even more glum than usual. And you haven't been dancing. Why don't you and I take the next dance?
    DARCY
    Alright, Louisa. But have you noticed that your brother is well on his way to becoming attached again?. Just like last year.
    MRS. HURST
    Yes I have. But she does seem like a sweet girl.
    DARCY
    And we've been here barely a week. And her mother. I can see the cogs spinning inside her skull already.
    MRS. HURST
    Well, frankly I wish Charles would just make up his mind and marry someone. Anyone. I know Caroline wants him to make a better match, but --
    DARCY
    So do I. There must be someone in town for him.
    MRS. HURST
    But you've found flaws in every single lady that he's met in London. I do value your advice, Fitzwilliam, but tell me where you think he's likely to find someone that you and Caroline both think is suitable?
    DARCY
    Not way out here.
    MRS. HURST
    Oh I don't know. Maybe he's right to go on this annual foxhunt. He's bound to find someone suitable some day.
    DARCY
    Not likely. People out in the country are too, too...
    MRS. HURST
    Caroline is absolutely distraught out here. She has another list of possibilities lined up for him in town, you know.
    DARCY
    Yes. I've seen her list. Vultures the lot of them.
    MRS. HURST
    And what about yourself? If you don't find someone soon then you'll have to settle for your cousin Anne.
    DARCY
    Well, that's not likely to happen.
    MRS. HURST
    Don't be so sure. I've met your aunt.
    DARCY
    I love cousin Anne dearly, but she's not exactly the sort of --
    MRS. HURST
    Perhaps you and Charles should just marry those Johnston twins over there and be done with it.
    DARCY
    The Johnston twins? Who in heaven's name are --
    MRS. HURST
    Oh, here comes Caroline. You talk to her. But remember, you promised me the next dance.


    MISS BINGLEY
    Mr. Darcy. Are you having as dreadful a time as I am?
    DARCY
    Why don't you grab one of those plow jockeys and show him how we dance in London?
    MISS BINGLEY
    Oh please. He'll tromp all over me.
    DARCY
    That young man over these seems to be watching you quite closely.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Ugh. Why don't you and I show them how it's done?
    DARCY
    I've promised the next dance to your sister. I'm sure Hurst will dance with you if you can get his attention.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Do you realize that there's no place in this barn where I can powder my nose? What do you think, Mr. Darcy? Does my nose need a bit of --
    DARCY
    I think your admirer is coming this way.
    MISS BINGLEY
    Oh, heavens. I'm off then. Tell him I have the pox or something.


    MRS. HURST
    Well, Fitzwilliam. Our dance is starting soon. Did you and Caroline sort out Charles' future?
    DARCY
    Yes. She was most helpful.
    MRS. HURST
    My husband just told me that you yourself have been ogling one of the local ladies. Is that true?
    DARCY
    What? Me? Hardly.
    MRS. HURST
    I thought I noticed it too.
    DARCY
    Well...
    MRS. HURST
    Well?
    DARCY
    Well, I did notice one young lady who is not completely unpleasant to look at. I have to keep busy with something while I'm stuck here. But please don't mention it to --
    MRS. HURST
    Have you been introduced to her?
    DARCY
    Um, yes, of course.
    MRS. HURST
    Then why haven't you danced with her yet?
    DARCY
    Oh, well, she was, um, too tired at the time.
    MRS. HURST
    Well, after this dance I'll bring her over.
    DARCY
    No, no, that's really not ---
    MRS. HURST
    Since she's the daughter of Sir William, I think it's only proper that you --
    DARCY
    What? Louisa, you've got the wrong, um, ...oh dear.
    MRS. HURST
    Oh, the music is starting.


    HURST
    Darcy, I brought you some of that sherry. And a cigar. Make yourself look useful, will you?
    DARCY
    Hurst, what exactly did you tell your wife?
    HURST
    As little as possible, my friend. That's the only way to cope with wives, you know.
    DARCY
    She thinks that --
    HURST
    When you're finally married, Darcy, I'll have all sorts of good advice like that for you.
    DARCY
    What's this? You know that I like to clip my own cigars, Hurst.
    HURST
    Shall I get Miss King to light it for you?
    DARCY
    Lighting a cigar, Hurst, is a skill that I wouldn't trust to --
    HURST
    She may get your mind off Miss Bennet, Darcy. You have to avoid focusing all your energies on just one lady. Otherwise you'll be in danger of --
    DARCY
    Do me a favour and just ignore me for the remainder of the evening.
    HURST
    But no one else is ignoring you, Darcy. Mrs. Bennet is having a field day with you over in that corner.
    DARCY
    With me?
    HURST
    You're the belle of the ball. You should hear what she's calling you.
    DARCY
    Oh, good grief.


    DARCY
    Bingley, can we leave now? Now?

    BINGLEY
    Oh, I don't think so, Darcy. In a moment I'm having my second dance with Miss Jane.
    DARCY
    But Bingley --
    BINGLEY
    Why don't you go talk to Miss Mary Bennet? I hear she's quite accomplished, Darcy. Just your type.

    Continued in Next Section

    © 2007 Copyright held by the author.