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Chapter 18

Posted on Monday, 6 February 2006

Much to Jane’s disapproval only four days later I was insistent on walking out again, not far, I had assured her. But my ramble took me a lot further than my previous one. I had a book with me I had found in Bingley’s library it was new, he had felt he had better stock up on books before his guests arrived, “It is such a sparse room and Darcy had probably read my meager collection at least twice over, if we are to keep him entertained I thought a few new additions were called for.” He had explained while showing me into the room, it looked to be in better health than the one at Netherfield though not a great deal. My concentration was not fixed upon the book in my hand though, instead I was still mulling over the actions of five nights precedent to the one which was fast closing in.

He had sat down on the chair next to the sofa Georgiana and I were sharing, “Miss Bennet, it is lovely to see you downstairs again.”

“Thank you Mr Darcy.” I blushed and turned back to my conversation with Georgiana. Only for a minute to regain some composure, then I turned back to him with a smile, “I was surprised to see you here sir, there had been no indication that you would be here.”

“No, equally I was told you planned to remain in Anglesey, you are much enamoured of the place I hear.”

“Oh yes Cae Gwenard is the most beautiful of places, there is so much to see. Have you ever been there?”

“No Miss Bennet, Colonel Llewellyn and I are only distant acquaintances.” That was a statement that did not correspond with his apparently frequent exchanging of letters with Colonel Llewellyn. “Though he too has told me of its beauty, apparently there is something to be said for living by the sea all year long.”

“The Irish Sea is stunning, dangerous and tumultuous but stunning, one day it would be nice to travel across it to Ireland, even if not many people I know would agree with me. I love the smell, you can always taste salt in the air there; it is so windy.” I continued my diatribe for sometime.

“Then you are glad to have been sent there.”

“Certainly.” I replied before I thought about what my answer could possibly imply, he became more silent and reserved after that, but it was too late to make amends, it seemed he had no desire of being disturbed from his ruminations. Did he think that I had meant that Cresocartref House was nicer that Pemberley, that I preferred it there to his home any day. Or had he simply thought that I preferred the Llewellyn’s to his family and company. Was he offended? I thought so, though after a few moments he spoke again seemed to rouse himself from his thoughts and managed to speak to me again,

“How do you like Ashton Magna Miss Bennet?” It was a strained conversation at best.

“Well enough though so far I have only seen this room, my own chamber and some of the gardens, Jane has promised to take me over the whole house soon. The gardens were lovely though.”

“Have you seen the walled garden? I am informed that it is supposed to be haunted.”

Besides me Georgiana let out a strangled gasp, “Fitzwilliam do not say such things, Elizabeth he is so cruel he told me there was a headless monk who walked the corridors at Allcotte you know, outside the chamber I used to sleep in and when we were little he told me there were ghosts at Pemberley too, a white lady I could not sleep without a candle for weeks.” I laughed delightedly at Georgiana’s picture of her brother teasing her, in his younger years; it seemed such a normal thing to do. I remember once telling Kitty that there were fairies in the little wilderness on one side of the lawn at Longbourn she spent several weeks looking for them, Papa thought that she had gone insane when he looked out of the library window and saw her crawling around on hands and knees looking under plants and when she began leaving out saucers of milk over night for them to drink. She was so excited when she checked the next morning and found that it had gone but continued to pout that I had seen the fae folk and she had not, eventually I told her that I had not seen them either, she remained convinced that they were there though and left out milk for about two months afterwards.

“So what terrible monster resides in the walled garden, sir?”

“Oh nothing so very bad as that Miss Bennet one of the stable hands told me of it. A little girl by all accounts she appears occasionally asking for Nicholas then vanishes again.

“I dismissed it until this afternoon when I was looking through some of the house records, letters and such that were stored away in the library. In 1645 the family living here lost a child, her name was Winifred she had been out with her brother Nicholas at the time she vanished they had been playing hide and seek he was hiding she was seeking hours after Nicholas had gone to hide he came out and Miss Winifred was nowhere to be found. Rumour had it that she was taken by Roundheads, the family were stringent Royalists but she was never found. The tale of Wailing Winifred has become something of a local myth I think but there is at least some truth behind the tale. Unlike the White Lady Georgiana, every great house in the country has a Woman in White.”

“You and I shall have to investigate the walled garden Georgiana.” I turned to my friend who shuddered visibly.

“You may go alone if you choose for I do not intend to go anywhere near the dreadful place.”

We had seemed on friendly enough terms that evening though at first our conversation had been severely strained and neither of us seemed to know what to say once the usual pleasantries were done away with. However, we had laughed once our initial discomfort was done away, he had seemed friendly and amiable; he was different again, like someone I had never met before. What caused that change I could not say for sure. However, the following evening when I arrived downstairs at the same time he was not present when the other gentlemen entered the room, “Georgiana is your brother not with us this evening?”

“No Lizzy,” Kitty who was seated with us answered with a slight smirk before the other could even consider a reply, “He was called away on business first thing this morning.” After I had bowed my head to acknowledge what she had said she continued, “Miss Darcy has he gone to town? Jane will be quite disappointed if he is unable to return here for the celebrations.”

“No to Pemberley, he was not clear how many days he would be gone, though he promised he would return as soon as possible.”

I have always had this very bad habit of jumping to conclusions, just as I form my opinions. Instead of remembering the better points from the evening before I focused my energies on the negative, instead of remembering the laughter, I remembered the discomfort. It pointed to one possibility – that Mr Darcy was uncomfortable being around me and he had made his excuses and left. Did he know how I felt about him? I could not believe that he still had feelings for me; his reaction to Lady Arabella’s death was too extreme. I would not believe that it was just fuelled by guilt. Then there was the scheming of our acquaintances, was he mortified by their obvious attempts at matchmaking. It seemed quite plausible that he would just up and leave for that reason, if not wholly polite. I sincerely doubted that he would return in a few days.

I retuned to my book, it was poetry, I had had quite enough of going over the last few days over and over again. If he returned then he would and I would be wrong and ridiculous and if he did not then I would be right. In the meantime no good would come from fretting continually over his absence. Really I was starting to quite annoy myself behaving like a stupid heroine from a novel. So I settled myself back on a stile and read:

Looking up I closed the book the poem was a rather long one, there was a rider just visible on a distant lane. He sat well and rode elegantly, consequently holding my interest for some time. I realized who it was just too late, he had spotted me too, my hair blowsy, mud at the hem of my gown and coat. It was too late to pretend I had not seen though. He leapt the fence, dismounted and bowed, “Miss Bennet, I see you are improved in health.” He said curiously while taking in my flushed appearance.

“Mr Darcy, sir. I hope your business went well.”

“As well as can be expected Miss Bennet, I was sorry to have to leave you all in such a hurry but it could not be helped.” He looked distracted, as if he had not slept for three days straight; there were dark grey-purple rings around his eyes and a slight almost imperceptible slump to his shoulders.

“Yes, you concluded your business swiftly.” I agreed not sure what else to say.

“Well what else could have been done. The Rustlers took half our flock what can be done but to buy more sheep.”

“Half the flock?” I gasped, “How?” He must have had thousands of sheep.

“In the middle of the night, broke in and herded them out with dogs nobody heard anything of course.”

A nasty guilty feeling welled up inside my stomach, how could I have doubted him. Here was a man who always told the absolute truth and yet I though him to be running away. When had I become so self absorbed? “Did you ride all the way from Pemberley?”

“Yes, though I stopped for lunch.”

“But not for tea, then come inside and let me see if I can rustle… I mean…” His mouth twitched upwards as I stuttered and tried to find a more appropriate verb to use, he hardly wanted reminded of rustlers.

“Miss Bennet,” He chucked as he spoke, “It is fine.”

“Tea, that is it some tea and some of Jane’s Cook’s fruit cake inside, Mr Bingley will be so pleased to see you again.” I managed somewhat more coherently this time before turning on my heels and walking in the direction of the house, the sitting room was empty, I looked around nervously and with some degree of hesitation before inviting him to be seated and ringing the bell for tea. We were silent for some length of time only exchanging words when tea was served and only they were the customary “thank yous” finally when I was beginning to wriggle uncomfortably in my seat we were interrupted by Jenny the Gardiner’s nursemaid looking for my Aunt.

She had Frances with her who was wailing uncontrollably, I was concerned she was such a well behaved docile baby but Jenny claimed that she had been crying in this manner for half an hour before she had come to search out her mistress and now she could not find her anywhere. I rang the bell again and asked the maid who arrived to fetch the housekeeper. Mrs Cotton said that the rest of the party had gone in to the town, something which had completely slipped my mind though they had revealed their plans when I mentioned my intention of walking out. Frances was still screaming, Jenny was looking close to tears herself at her inability to control her young charge, “Is anybody looking after the other children in the nursery?”

“No madam, Judy went to visit some relatives of her mothers this afternoon ma’am she said Mrs Thursfield granted her leave to do it.” She explained to me.

“Very well pass Frances to me then I shall take her for a little while, you may return to the other children.” Jenny handed over the infant looking relieved at receiving a reprieve from the hysterical baby bobbed a very quick curtsey and escaped the room as quickly as possible before the judgment could be retracted. Frances, or Cissy, as my Aunt and Uncle had affectionately named her did not settle immediately. Glancing apologetically I glanced quickly at Darcy and begged his pardon for making such a racket, “If you prefer I can take her outside to another room perhaps you would rather we be left in peace.”

“No, no I have no objection Miss Bennet.” He replied graciously, “You know I am fond of children anyway.” I though back to his treatment of the Sutton children, they were not his but he had always been welcoming, accepting and shown a great deal of affection towards them in any case. More so than their own mother, though we partly understood Lady Arabella’s motivation for such isolation now I still could not quite understand how she could not have loved them even a little bit, they were always such sweet children, “They stayed with Lord and Lady Newlyn this Christmas,” He added conversationally.

“Yes Hetty said in her last letter, Priscilla is fond of her cousin.”

He laughed, “Yes she follows him around like a puppy, does anything that he asks of her no matter how terrible the task yet she is more devoted to him than anyone else, it is quite funny to watch such a scene. She was determined to visit them rather than to Featherstone, I should have stayed on there otherwise.”

“Oh.” I answered nonplussed. Cissy had finally ceased crying and was slumbering peacefully whereas only seconds before had she had been fussing terribly, she must have just worn herself out.

“Of course, there are benefits to this place that I had not previously considered.” He smiled then took another sip of his tea quickly then busied himself with his fruit cake for several minutes more before even considering making any further conversation, “I see young Miss Frances has fallen asleep.”

“Yes, I think she has worn herself out.”

“Who would have though such a little creature could have such a large pair of lungs?” He said with a wry smile moving to sit next to me on the chase and observe the slumbering child.

“She is likely already in practice.”

“For what?”

“Sibling rivalry, in my experience it boils down to the child who can shout the loudest who always gets their way and rarely gets into trouble. You can tell you never had brothers and sisters close to your own age sir.” I laughed slightly he joined me.

“Yes I was sadly deprived, so tell me Miss Bennet were you a loud child?”

“No sir, well no more than usual. Lydia was loud very loud. Kitty and I were fairly vocal; Mary and Jane were always quiet, though now I think about it Jane nearly always got her way, probably because she hardly ever asked anything of anyone.”

“I think I must have been a sadly deprived child.”

“Hardly deprived sir!” I said in astonishment, who could ever consider a life at Pemberley deprivation.

“Forgive my choice of words that was not quite what I meant, simply not having any brothers and sisters, I suppose in some ways George Wickham was like a brother to me, well we know…” He trailed off in embarrassment and busied himself in his fruitcake once again for a good few minutes nibbling thoughtfully “Mrs Bingley’s cook must be complimented, the cake is delightful.” He finally managed to say. I replied with some equally inane comment and somehow we managed to make a great deal of small talk before the others entered the room having returned from their trip to town loaded with several parcels and plenty to tell us of, they settled down comfortably to join us for tea and cake.

Several more days passed busily for the party visiting for the Christmas Season at Ashton Magna, there were callers still coming to welcome their new neighbours to the area, Mr Bingley has clearly found the spot in England where they would never be lacking in society. Years later Jane told me that there were close to fifty families within ten miles and she would be quite content to stay in Staffordshire all her life there would be no need to ever travel to town except that they had so many acquaintance there too that it would be rude to snub them so. Bingley too was forever changing his mind one day he would wake up and decided that they were to visit someone or somewhere else, on several occasions he and a slightly embarrassed Jane would turn up on a family members doorstep because he thought it would be pleasant to visit them, that happened only rarely he was too much of a gentleman to be always so erratic and being married had apparently settled him slightly as a single man he was the most indecisive sole ever.

As the days went on Mr Darcy and I seemed to develop a close camaraderie, walking out regularly, discussing books, politics, the Sutton children, “I do not think Roberta is very happy at Miss Grey’s Miss Bennet.” He confided in me one afternoon when we had gone out on a ride with Jane and Mr Bingley, they had ridden ahead of us we were lagging behind mostly due to my incompetence as a horsewoman and my disinclination to practice, mostly I preferred to keep both my feet firmly planted on the ground.

“No I had guessed as much, from her letter.”

“She does not seem to have made friends as easily as Priscilla but perhaps given time.”

“Bobbie was never shy but nor had she Priscilla’s natural confidence perhaps she is still somewhat daunted by all those other girls. At least she has Priscilla there with her too she will take care of her sister will she not?”

“Yes they were both invited to high tea at the Fluyder girls Aunt and Uncle’s home I think they are mostly Priscilla’s friends. The other day I received a letter from just Roberta and she was not quite so forth coming in her praise of Octavia and Euphemia, perhaps some of your influence,” he said with a grin, “however, she was eager to talk of another girl Emma Johnson every other line was Emma this and Emma that.”

“Yes I heard a little bit about her in the letter Hetty sent me.”

“It was a relief to hear it, before her last few letters I had seriously been contemplating removing her from the school, although I do not suppose you would have been willing to come back and work for me. Perhaps when Tyndale or I have married we shall hire a governess again.” He suddenly looked away and up at the sky and would not look at me for several more minutes. Perhaps he had meant… But never mind.

I had hoped that he would say something but he did not. It had been one of several occasions when I had thought that he might speak but did not. There had been one day when he had come home early from hunting with the other gentlemen, his dog had come bounding over to me and knocked me clean off my feet, he had helped me to my feet again and apologized profusely particularly when he noticed that the hem of my gown had ripped, we had laughed over it later but at the time there had been a serious tone to our conversation and something seemed to have been left unsaid after we parted in the hallway to both change our attire.

On another such occasion we had been in the library, it had ended up like one of those scenes in a romance novel, the sort Lydia would read when she really had nothing else better to do. I had been unable to reach a book, Mr Bingley’s library not being particularly well equipped had no step ladders for me to use. Instead I had had to ask him for his assistance, disturbing him from his reading, he however had seemed not in the least bit bothered and simply did as I requested perfectly willingly. He handed me the book and our hands brushed, I blushed though did not look away he did not apologize immediately there was an interlude of seconds when his gaze continued fixed on mine and I was reminded very much of the time he had kissed me in the school room, I had though he might again but he suddenly muttered an apology and then hurried back to his seat and apparently immersed himself in his book once again. On the other hand my own choice had lost its appeal and I read the first page six times before being able to make the least bit of sense out of it.

But I digress; Jane and Bingley hosted a dinner party one evening. Bingley was of course the jovial host he always was and everyone there seemed to be charmed by the sweet-tempered Mrs Bingley. What I noticed most was that every single young lady present fawned over and attempted to insinuate themselves with Mr Darcy, they could not leave him alone they attempted to flirt with him and garner his attention all to themselves. It was a rather sickening display, even Kitty said so. Here was a man whose wife had only died four months ago, yes he was no longer held in mourning but still it seemed distasteful that they should be so open about it. Even my own wishes seemed a little repulsive considering. He handled it calmly however, whenever I had observed such a display before, which was only once at the Meryton Assembly he had brushed it off arrogantly ignoring the young lady in question not to mention he had been dismissive of those young ladies who had not too. Now he would speak calmly being as civil as possible although towards the end of the evening he seemed to be tiring of the Mammas and their daughters, none the less he was polite and exchanged civilities with them as politely as he possibly could without appearing to be overly encouraging.

Kitty, Georgiana and I spent the evening being introduced to several of Jane’s neighbours who we had not met previously; they were for the most part warm and welcoming towards us. In particularly one young gentleman was very friendly to me in particular. Mr Hayter was a few years my senior perhaps but with a great deal more worldly experiences, he had traveled not only in Europe but Asia and South America too. He had a great deal to tell that I was interested in hearing his stories could have kept me amused for hours. He had a certain boisterous charm about him and whatever he spoke of was very real be that a village in Peru or the jungle in India. He was not a rich man per se but he had few responsibilities an estate worth several thousand a year which he left to the charge of an excellent steward and no immediate family neither brothers or sisters or parents. It surprised me greatly that the other young ladies in the room were not as interested in him as the gentlemen and married ladies were. But while I spoke to him for the conversation and no other reason there was someone of greater interest for them.

Once throughout the whole evening I managed a very brief conversation with Mr Darcy, all evening he had been surrounded by a gaggle of giggling girls and I had not had the opportunity. He had said hardly a word in return seemingly not interested in conversing with me at all. Dissatisfied with his strange behaviour which had been so unlike himself I returned to the adventures of Mr Hayter and left Darcy to his brooding.

Quickly though I found myself attacked by young ladies all begging me to introduce them to him, “Elizabeth do introduce us to your sisters other guest Mr Darcy.” One of the girls who I had barely exchanged a single word with all evening rushed up towards me a smile plastered on her face. I cringed inwardly, would he even want to be introduced to this girl, “Sylvia, Sylvia come here, Elizabeth has promised to introduce us to Mr Darcy.” The girls who had been addressed as Sylvia came rushing towards Kitty and I, Georgiana having left us for a moment thankfully. Quickly I pointed out that he was engaged at present and that now was not an ideal time for an introduction, “Oh but you will later in the evening shall you not when he is less engaged.” The first girl continued, to refuse would have been rude so I simply smiled noncommittally, it was enough for them and they skipped off happily.

It was only later in the evening that I gave them a second thought on passing the two girls who were huddled in a corner whispering between themselves not particularly discretely, “But Mrs Bingley’s sister said that she’d introduce us to Mr Darcy herself Sylvia and she and Mrs Bingley seem so very nice I do believe that she’ll keep her word.”

“Nonsense she’ll do no such thing Daphne. She wants him all to herself I know she does, she’s been casting glances in his direction all evening.” The elder of the two, Sylvia declared in a haughty and knowing manner.

“Has she? I’ve only seen her speak to him once all evening and that was not for longer than a few seconds.” Daphne said awed at her sister’s perceptiveness.

“Yes, honestly Daph you are such a goose sometimes. Elizabeth Bennet wants Mr Darcy all to herself but he is far too good for the likes of her. I don’t know who she thinks she is she’s just some penniless governess I heard. He would be far better off with someone just like me, accomplished and elegant not some nobody from the country like her and she knows that I’m too much competition for her and that is why she won’t introduce us to him.” She stuck her nose up in the air haughtily.

“She isn’t a nobody though she is Mrs Bingley’s sister and the Bingleys have a fine estate.”

“They are no wealthier than Papa though. Besides I heard that Miss Bennet is nothing better than a governess to some family or other of little to no consequence a retired Colonel or something like that.” Sylvia continued with contempt in her voice.

“But…”

“Oh Daph for goodness sake, she is out for all she can get Miss Bennet is mercenary, she has no money and their connections are not all that good either, Mr Bingley’s money comes from trade you know. Besides which she is not all that pretty nothing very special she knows full well that I’m too much of a threat to her and that is why she refuses to introduce us.” She said with a toss of her curls, “That is why I vote that we should introduce ourselves to Mr Darcy because Papa refuses and so does Miss Bennet and Mrs Bingley who would is far too busy to be dragged away from her other guests, now come on and stop being such a wimp.” She took her younger sister by the arm and began to drag her off in Darcy’s direction but was stopped abruptly when she turned and bumped straight into another lady, “Irene!”

Mrs Irene Beaumont, the two other girls older married sister was a few inches taller than her siblings she looked down at them coldly, “Sylvia you know that it is impolite to introduce yourself to someone you must wait for an introduction from someone else, Daphne please do not listen to a word Sylvia says to you.” She turned to the younger girl and spoke with a little more warmth, Sylvia began to open her mouth out of the corner of her eye Mrs Beaumont saw, “No Sylvia I shall not introduce you to him, not after what I have just heard you say. Daphne I want you to come with me.” She took the younger girl by the arm and brought her over to speak with me. She was a warm woman who actually showed a great deal of affection towards Daphne and she was perfectly accepting of me. I knew she knew that I had heard what Sylvia had said about me and she was attempting to make amends.

However Sylvia’s words did not affect me so greatly as that, I was well aware that people would gossip if I were to ever marry him after all I had been the governess to his wife’s children. Not to mention my lack of fortune and connection people would talk about that no matter what. Lady Arabella had not deemed Jane a suitable match for Bingley because she had no money. But really such conjecture was neither here nor there he had not asked me there was still doubt over whether or not he would ask me, he really had no need to marry. We would just be good friends if that was all that ever came from our acquaintance and though it was regretful it was something I would have to resign myself too.

After that evening the day of my departure drew nearer and his mood was strange indeed some days he would be forthcoming and friendly with me others he avoided me and was brooding and silent. I never knew quite what to expect from him and even in his more open moods he seemed pensive and there was something that he was holding back. Of his feelings my doubts began to seep through again where as before the dinner party there had seemed a possibility that he and I would reach an understanding his surprising reticence now led me to believe otherwise, there was no reason that he should behave thus yet he was. Mr Darcy was the most exasperating man of my acquaintance. Even when I was out walking I had not encountered him since the morning of Jane and Bingley’s dinner party. I wondered what I could have done to offend my friend, to such an extent.

That did not change my feelings though, the feelings which Kitty had now told me were perfectly obvious one day as she sat down next to me at dusk on the window seat next to me, “Are you actually going to do any embroidery, I have been watching you a full half an hour and you have not completed one single stitch Lizzy, or are you watching for something particular?”

“Embroidery.”

“Of course you are.” She said in a condescending manner I had never hear her use before, she looked smug.

“Well what else would I be doing?” I shot back defensively, knowing full well that she had caught me out.

“You are waiting for him to come back are you not?”

“I cannot image who you mean.” I continued to play innocent.

“Mr Darcy,” She shook her head at me, “how long have you been in love with him?”

“I am not in love with…”

“Come Lizzy I am no fool I have seen the pair of you together, I am waiting for the pair of you to announce your engagement to us all any day now.” She continued on in a smug manner a large grin threatening to escape her lips.

“Well you shall be waiting a long time for he has said nothing to me of it.” I said hotly.

“Oh he shall say something soon enough I am certain of it, in fact I had thought that he would speak to you long before now, I am quite surprised that he has not.” She said in her confident manner, “Jonathan says that he has never seen a man so distracted and the sooner he says something the better.”

“Yes well I am leaving the day after tomorrow in case you have forgotten Kitty.”

“Oh Lizzy dear I am certain that he will say something, I shall speak to Jane and make sure we leave the pair of you alone after dinner tonight, that should solve the problem, that is what Mamma would have done on such an occasion.”

“Kitty please do not do that.” I begged, she was not listening however, “I am sure he has nothing particular to say to me at all.” I glowered at her, up until then my family had managed to refrain from interfering in my affairs, with the exception of their initial trick. Why did they have to meddle again now? I hated matchmakers. Could they not just leave me in peace.

“You remember last Christmas when he called at Millwood, I knew exactly how it would be then it was obvious to me even then that he was in love with you and that the pair of you would be the perfect couple if you married but he was married and you still hated him did you not?”

“I never hated him.” She looked doubting at this statement, “Oh alright there was a time when I was utterly repulsed by him, does that satisfy you? But that was a very long time ago now and I am sure that just as I have forgotten my original feelings he has too.” I stated willing the conversation which was so very mortifying to come to and end as quickly as was possible, Kitty was not to be deterred though,

“We shall see, we shall see.” She said almost to herself, “Oh look they are back!” She stood up and dragging me along with her pulled me out of the sitting room to go and greet the four gentlemen who had just returned from an afternoon in the fields hunting and were muddy and tired however proud of their achievements. Mr Bingley’s comment really did make me laugh, he may have been muddling his sports up for he boastingly informed us that he had very nearly shot down a bird twice the size of any of their other catches that afternoon, he had shot it, he claimed, but it had carried on flying. Mr Darcy and I exchanged a brief glance with one another smiling and shaking our heads with a secret communication.

1. A Fairytale by Isabella Lickbarrow from Poetical Infusions 1814
   

Chapter 19

Posted on Monday, 20 February 2006

Kitty’s plans did not come to a fore that evening. Jane rebuffed the idea saying that she did not feel it was particularly romantic to be forced into offering like that and she gently reminded Kitty of her own proposal which we all thought was rather romantic. Kitty had been arranging the floral displays at the church in place of old Miss Lewis who was ill. Mr Thursfield, who as was mentioned before was visiting his uncle the vicar in Meryton, and was working as the as Curate in the small church at Longbourn. Kitty had been visiting regularly and had taken to helping out there while Mary preferred to visit with Miss Lewis with whom she was fairly friendly. While Kitty was working on the flowers for Sunday service Mr Thursfield had handed her a rose and proposed to her, it had been quite unexpected Kitty having never confided her feelings to us although she was already in love with him she had apparently never expected him to propose to her. Especially given her situation: disgraced and poor.

I was thankful to Jane for not attempting to meddle in my business because truthfully I did not expect him to propose to me at all, it seemed that he had no intention of it besides I was beginning to be of the opinion that although he was not in mourning it would be rather vulgar to propose so soon after. That was if he was going to. So instead we played cards and then listened to Mr Thursfield reading to us all afterwards before retiring for the evening.

I was early to rise the following morning, it was about half past seven and still dark, dressing myself in a plain pale blue muslin and a thick woolen coat I hurried outside for a walk. The weather outside was lovely, crisp and frosty it almost looked as if it had snowed on the grassy areas of the gardens. The gardeners were not about yet so I made my way across to the walled garden. One of the under gardeners had informed me that if I were to ever meet Winifred my best chance would be when there was nobody about and though I had never really believed in ghosts I was eager to see for myself, if there was even the smallest chance that the local myth about the young girl was true.

The plan was foiled though for the walled garden was not empty like I had assumed it would be. Apparently someone was up even earlier than I that morning. It was a strange coincidence that whenever we should be walking out we always seemed to run into one another. Our walks were never prearranged and it was a rare occasion that I would walk in the same place from one day to the next. Nevertheless almost everyday without fail we seemed to end up running into one another and walking together for some time before returning together to the house. How such a strange thing should keep occurring I had no idea but I had no objections to it and apparently neither did Mr Darcy.

He was standing in front of a willow tree on the opposite side of the garden his back to me so he had not noticed me, his gloves and hat lying disregarded on a bench. Suddenly my mischievous streak overtook and instead of calling out to him I decided to sneak up behind him quietly. He did not hear my approach at all apparently he was too caught up in his own meditations. Only feet away from him I stopped thinking if I came any closer he was bound to hear. Then I spoke out loud, “Please sir, have you seen Nicholas?” He stiffened visibly but made no move to turn around, I took a step closer took my glove off and slipped my cold hand into his, “Have you seen my brother I cannot find him sir?” I asked in the voice of a young girl.

He jumped a little at the contact and turned to face me, “My god Elizabeth do not do that to me, you shall send me to an early grave! Your hands are so cold I thought you really were Winifred De Mowbray.” I could not help but laugh at his apparent shock it had been just what I was hoping for, I led him over to a bench for he had gone so white that I really did think that he was going to faint. He calmed down after several minutes and began to see the funny side of my prank, “Tell me Miss Bennet was it your aim to give me apoplexy do you truly want me dead?”

“No sir, I would never wish such a fate on you.” I said a little more seriously, “But really sir I hope that this has taught you not to terrify your sister and I with stories of ghosts in the future.”

“I will promise but only if you agree not to be so vindictive towards me in the future.”

“I was not being vindictive!”

“Miss Bennet, you tried to kill me!”

“I thought sir that we had already cleared that misunderstanding up, I have no intention of ever killing you.”

“I am relieved to hear that you hold me in such regard, that you would spare me from such a fate.”

“You make me sound like a mass murderer.” I cried pretending to be affronted although it was quite clear that he was only joking.

He looked at me strangely again and fell silent again, for several minutes, three times he opened his mouth as if to say something and then did not. Three times I almost spoke to him too. Eventually he took hold of my un-gloved hand, “You have not put your glove back on Elizabeth.” He said softly, I made no move to do so, “Are you not going to put it back on, your sister would never forgive me if you caught a cold again.” Again I remained still, “Here allow me then.” He reached out for the glove which I handed him but before he put it back on he paused, “Miss Bennet I fear there is something which I must speak to you about.” He looked incredibly serious I made no response, “You may hate me for saying this but I can go on no longer without saying something to you. Will you… do you…?” He stopped and took deep breath, “Will you marry me?” He suddenly blurted out.

I looked at him a little blankly shocked at his bluntness. He suddenly looked away and dropped my hand. Once again he was apparently ensconced by the willow tree that stood in the corner of the garden. “Damn,” he eventually muttered, “that was not how it was supposed to come out.” I could not suppress a smile at this point and he turned just at the same moment, “I mean it though Miss Bennet, I love you, I do believe that I have always loved you, there was never a time that I did not and I can only hope that your feelings will allow you to accept my proposal if not today then in the future if you could give me some reason to hope but if not then I shall never speak on this subject again.”

“I do believe that you are getting better at this,” I said with a smirk.

“Please Elizabeth do not tease so.” He looked tortured, so taking pity on him I answered him with the only possible answer that he could have received, an answer I could have given him a very long time ago had I had the opportunity to answer, had he only had the opportunity to ask it.

“Yes!”

An expression of intensely heartfelt delight, diffused over his face, and he told me of his feelings, which, in proving of what importance I was to him, made his affection every moment more valuable. We walked on, without knowing in what direction. There was too much to be thought, and felt, and said, for attention to any other objects. Finally he raised the subject of my change in feeling for him. Darcy mentioned his letter. “Did it,” said he, “did it soon make you think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any credit to its contents?”

I explained what its effect on me had been, and how gradually all my former prejudices had been removed, “Though you know my opinion of you was already beginning to change when I met you again, you had changed, your manners were greatly improved – after our initial disagreement – but I confess I did not fully understand you until I had read the letter. I cannot believe that I accused you of such a terrible falsehood.”

“What did you say of me, that I did not deserve? For, though your accusations were ill-founded, formed on mistaken premises, my behaviour to you at the time had merited the severest reproof. I cannot be so easily reconciled to myself. The recollection of what I then said, of my conduct, my manners, my expressions during the whole of it, is now, and has been many months, inexpressibly painful to me. Your reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: ‘had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.’ Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me;—though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice.”

“I was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an impression. I had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such a way.”

“I can easily believe it. You thought me then devoid of every proper feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never forget, as you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible way that would induce you to accept me.”

“Oh! Do not repeat what I then said. These recollections will not do at all. I assure you that I have long been most heartily ashamed of it.”

“And I cannot forget how despicably I acted at that time either.”

“You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”

“I cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind. Your retrospections must be so totally void of reproach, that the contentment arising from them is not of philosophy, but, what is much better, of innocence. But with me, it is not so. Painful recollections will intrude which cannot, which ought not, be repelled. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child), I was spoilt by my parents, who, though good themselves (my father, particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family circle; to think meanly of all the rest of the world; to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own. Such I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”

“Had you then persuaded yourself that I should?”

“Indeed I had. What will you think of my vanity? I believed you to be wishing, expecting my addresses.”

“My manners must have been in fault, but not intentionally, I assure you. I never meant to deceive you, but my spirits might often lead me wrong. How you must have hated me after that evening?”

“Hate you! I was angry perhaps at first, but my anger soon began to take a proper direction.”

“I am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me, when I was there in your sitting room last November. You blamed me for coming?”

“No indeed; I felt nothing but surprise. Well who could not have been surprised to find you in such circumstances?”

“But you seemed so cross with me, when you called me into your office that morning, I thought you were to send me away.”

“I admit it was difficult for me and the thought did cross my mind. I was uncomfortable to be sure, here was the woman who I could freely admit I still loved and she was working as the governess to my wife’s children. The wife, who I need not add I was unhappily married to, you cannot know how tortured I felt upon seeing you there. But I was too selfish to send you away, how could I? Besides there was still a sort of anger about me, probably brought about by my unhappy situation that wished to show you by every civility in my power that I was not so mean as to resent the past; and I hoped to obtain your forgiveness, to lessen your ill opinion, by letting you see that your reproofs had been attended to. Also there was a vain wish to show you the error of your ways in what you had missed out on. How soon any other wishes introduced themselves I can hardly tell, but I believe in about half an hour after I had seen you. But then they seemed like a pointless dream, it was impossible.” He explained with a look of acute agony on his face. I squeezed his hand to offer him what comfort I could, “You cannot know how many times I have wanted to declare myself to you this last year. That morning when you were crying in the school room I believe that I would have, had you not run off.”

“I was confused and hurt.”

“Yes, I know you were hurt but I still do not know why, what had Arabella said to you that had distressed you so much.”

“She implied to her guests that I was your mistress.” A look of indignation covered his face and he said that it was little wonder that I had run away, after he had stormed in and kissed me.

We continued on walking, right towards the boundaries of Ashton Magna, discussing our plans. He told me that he had never meant to tell me today and exactly why. His reasoning fit perfectly with my own needs anyway so I was contented. Darcy did not feel that we should be married too soon, people would talk he said. Not that he particularly care what other people thought, for he would wish to be married to me as soon as may be, but he would not have people thinking poorly of me. Had anyone been saying anything I wanted to know when he said that. But apparently not, Lady Newlyn had been discrete, probably only because admitting that Darcy had taken on a mistress, would only reflect poorly on her sister. However, perhaps now she would not hold her tongue as well as before and would be quite quick in pointing out that he was remarrying so soon after his wife had passed away and to the governess no less.

Whatever his reasons I had no real objection, though both of us would have liked to have been married as soon as possible that was truthfully not a very plausible option for us. I was in the Llewellyn’s service and could not just leave them in the lurch without any warning whatsoever without a governess to replace me. I would not leave without saying goodbye to them either; we were after all very close to one another. They had helped me a great deal these last few months, shaken me out of my misery and returned me to my normal mood. I would like to think that I had been of some assistance to them too. They would always hold a place in my heart even if Cresocartref House was not the place I had ever really wanted to be.

Otherwise if I had had the option I probably would have married him as soon as was possible.

So we came to a conclusion. It was very simple really. We would wait until the summer to be married, it seemed such a long time away. We would keep our engagement a secret, well at least as much of a secret as possible considering there would be at least ten other people who would know the truth of it. He would have to apply to Uncle Gardiner, as neither of us were willing to hide our engagement completely consequently all my family would be told and so would Georgiana, though perhaps not the rest of his family for a while, Lady Catherine was apparently vying for him to marry his cousin Miss de Bourgh again. Colonel Llewellyn would have to be told something too, for he would need to find a new governess for his children. So really our engagement was not a secret, not like Eleanor and Andrew Bagot’s, it was more of a private one.

We walked back to the house together, to find the others at breakfast; we joined them ignoring the inquiring looks we were receiving from the all. Only occasionally I would see Kitty looking at me with a very self satisfied expression and then it was very hard to not allow a similar look to cross my own features too, I was radiant, who would not be?

He requested an audience with Uncle Gardiner straight after breakfast to tell him of our plans, I did not really need his permission but still we wanted his support nonetheless. He was of course willing to give his consent, he was fond of Darcy, though he expressed some qualms over our strange plan, people would find out about it no matter how had the truth was concealed he said that it would make the circumstances look very suspicious but like us could really see no better way of going about the plan we had so carefully concocted.

My sisters on the other hand when I told them the news which they already knew were ecstatic and only disappointed that we planned to wait so long until we married. Kitty and Jonathan had waited only for the six months of mourning to pass before they had married and Kitty was still in mourning, they did not quite see things the way that we did, even Georgiana thought that we were waiting an irrationally long length of time and she was always worrying about what people would think of actions.

Still neither their opinions nor my Uncles swayed us at all. We held firm, it would be best if our engagement was kept private and we were not married until the summer, it would prevent the gossip which was sure to spread anyway.

It was my last day in Staffordshire, and still pushing it a little fine to return to Cresocartref on time, but hopefully the weather would hold up and the journey to Anglesey would be an easy one to make. I did not really want to leave and I found that on my last day at Ashton I was left unsatisfied, I wanted to spend time with my sisters who I would not be seeing for several months but I wanted to spend time with Darcy too, time alone. It was impossible to have it both ways, still I just about managed to divide my time up evenly, Jane, Kitty, Aunt Gardiner and Georgiana spent the day helping me to pack my belongings back into my trunk, they laughed when Georgiana and I told them of how Lady Catherine instructed her acquaintance very carefully on the proper way of placing gowns in a trunk, it as the first time in ages that I had seen the real humour in it.

That evening after dinner we separated into smaller groups, the others left Darcy and I to one another in a corner, Georgiana was playing the piano forte and the married couples were in a larger group together. My spirits soon rising to playfulness again, I wanted Mr. Darcy to account for his having ever fallen in love with me. “How could you begin? I can comprehend your going on charmingly, when you had once made a beginning; but what could set you off in the first place?”

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”

“Yes it was a very long time ago now, but still you must make some attempt at explaining my beauty you had early withstood, and as for my manners—my behaviour to you was at least always bordering on the uncivil, and I never spoke to you without rather wishing to give you pain than not. Now be sincere; did you admire me for my impertinence?”

“For the liveliness of your mind, I did.”

“You may as well call it impertinence at once. It was very little less. The fact is, that you were sick of civility, of deference, of officious attention. You were disgusted with the women who were always speaking, and looking, and thinking for your approbation alone. I roused, and interested you, because I was so unlike them. Had you not been really amiable, you would have hated me for it; but in spite of the pains you took to disguise yourself, your feelings were always noble and just; and in your heart, you thoroughly despised the persons who so assiduously courted you. There—I have saved you the trouble of accounting for it; and really, all things considered, I begin to think it perfectly reasonable. To be sure, you knew no actual good of me—but nobody thinks of that when they fall in love.”

“Was there no good in your affectionate behaviour to Jane while she was ill at Netherfield or to Arabella and Sally when they were ill?”

“Dearest Jane! Who could have done less for her? But make a virtue of it by all means. My good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasions for teasing and quarrelling with you as often as may be.”

“I am sure you shall but you must account for Arabella and Sally.”

“Well you asked me to take care of Lady Arabella, so I did as you asked.”

“A likely explanation Elizabeth, as if you have ever done anything I suggested without trying to challenge it?”

“Well that seemed important.” I said by way of an explanation, “She was sick, very sick it really did not seem like an occasion for me to be difficult with you. Besides which in this past year I have been working for you, if I had done anything to disobey you then I would have lost my job.”

“Very well then, I believe you I suppose the circumstances were somewhat serious but you know I would probably have never have dismissed you for disobedience, you and I both know that I am far too selfish a creature to do that.”

“You tried to marry me to Lord Tyndale.”

“Because by that point I had recognized what was best for you, it was hopeless you staying with us, or so it seemed to me, the situation was only going to become more and more difficult if we had continued as we were, you are well aware that we had seriously overstepped the boundaries of what would have been considered as an acceptable relationship and you were even more aware than I that people were beginning to talk about it.

“No matter what I tried to convince myself of at the time, from the very moment I saw you in the sitting room platting Roberta’s hair I may say, my self control was never going to be strong enough, there would have come a point when I would have ruined you.” He stopped thoughtfully, looking at my widened eyes, he glanced over at the others to check that they were not paying any attention before discretely taking my hand in his, “I tried to tell myself that you were safe from me, but by that day in the school room I could hardly try to deny such a claim any longer. I had to face facts through my own foolishness and arrogance you would never be mine. Tyndale was quite ready to marry you, he clearly admired you very much and probably would have loved you very well, I think you would have been happy with him, one of us should have been happy at least.”

“I could never have been happy with him, not when I knew that I was in love with you, but you are right and so were Georgiana and Henriette and Kitty I would have done very well accepting him. But you know I could not see that at the time.”

“Which is a very good thing because otherwise we would have ended up in a very sorry situation, by now you could even have become Lady Tyndale.” He said suddenly smiling and lightening the mood of the conversation which had suddenly taken such a serious turn again, still there was a lot that had to be discussed and not a great deal of time left to accomplish it.

“You were prepared to give me up though? You would have risked that.”

“Elizabeth I was risking nothing, as far as I was concerned I was going to be married to Arabella for some period of time and it was simply too dangerous for you to have carried on living with us, you could not have trusted me and stayed safe, I was content to accept what little attention you paid me but eventually I would have taken advantage of your friendship, then you would certainly never have been happy. What else was I supposed to do other than be the gentleman and step aside for Tyndale to marry you?”

What could I do other than settle for his explanation, though I did add, “You know that I thought you did not love me when you told me to accept him.”

“It did not sway your decision though did it?” He said smugly, I told him that his head was going to get too big for his own good if we continued our conversation so we turned to other matters which needed to be discussed and had done with the previous more melancholy conversation. We were forced to separate for the evening not long after, we separated at the top of the staircase, where our goodnight was carefully observed by my Uncle Gardiner and my two oldest cousins who were leaning over the banisters from the nursery above,

“We shall never have a moment’s peace you know?” I said before turning into my chamber.

I composed a very quick letter to Henriette, no longer angry at her for the meddling she had so cunningly contrived, but glad that she had taken the initiative, though I told her that I was not pleased with her for setting Darcy and I up like that I let her know that she was already forgiven for the whole thing had turned out fairly well in the end, even if originally it had seemed like it would end up a disaster. Along with that was the promise of a visit perhaps at Easter though it may not be for sometime, I told her of the engagement and the plans to be married in August so may be she would learn to exercise a little patience before I could make it down to Featherstone House again, but of course she would receive an invite to the wedding.

Long before dawn the following morning I was awakened by a two maids one speaking softly the other a scullery maid was lighting the fire more noisily, despite knowing that I needed to make haste it was too cold yet to leave the warmth of the bed, the fire had not even started to warm the room. In the end I had had to hurry out missing the light breakfast that had been prepared due to my laziness. I was thrilled to see Mr Darcy standing in the foyer waiting for me though, the servants were bustling about Mrs Cotton giving the instructions of where my trunks ought to be placed, Darcy and I were left to ourselves for a few moments, both Kitty and Jane had promised that they would come downstairs to see me off, but knowing what Kitty was like in the mornings there was really very little chance of that occurring.

He lead me into a little antechamber off the main hallway promised me that he would write to me soon, handed me the letter addressed to Colonel Llewellyn and kissed me quickly before hurrying me back out into the foyer where all my family had suddenly assembled. “Never a moment’s peace.” He repeated in a whisper and squeeze of the hand. The family all descended upon me there fussing and talking all at the same time, they hope I would have a safe journey, make sure I asked for a private parlour at inns, it was cold, I should keep my coat on and Jane told me to make sure I had a traveling rug with me when I changed to Post.

Giving each of them a warm hug we walked outside towards the carriage in a rabble, each one of the hugged me once more before stepping back. Darcy was the last one standing there, he took my hand removed the glove kissed my hand and wordlessly helped me up to the carriage whispered a goodbye and then shut the door himself. I turned round as the carriage pulled away from Ashton Magna and carried on watching long until the house was out of side occasionally catching glimpses of it through the hillsides it was swallowed up by. Tears trickled down my face the whole time; it really was going to be the hardest eight months ever.

DNA: Well there you go Darcy has succumbed to temptation, without too much meddling from other people. Hope you all enjoyed this since it was so difficult for me to write a proposal scene. As usual big thanks go to my readers for their comments, my betas for all their hard work and Jane Austen, who once again I’ve been pinching lines off. Elle.

Chapter 20

Posted on Tuesday, 7 March 2006,

It was the hardest eight months ever, there were times when it was hard to tolerate Michael and Laura particularly. Knowing that there was no real reason to be at Cresocartref made it even harder to tolerate, I just wanted to move on with the next part of my life, and instead I was stuck in Wales in a sort of limbo trying to patiently wait out the time until my wedding. It was almost impossible to do so though when I could not even see Darcy very often, his letters were hardly enough to make up for his absence. Occasionally he would visit, ostensibly because he had business with the Colonel, it was difficult though. The Colonel was perfectly amenable to the scheme, and Mrs Llewellyn did not know the truth of the situation would often comment, “I do not know why you must leave us Miss Bennet.” She said repeatedly, taking every opportunity to throw Eleanor at Mr Darcy, now that Mr Randal had left the island she was still looking for a suitable replacement and poor Mr Andrew still did not qualify in her opinion.

Even though Mrs Llewellyn had the Marquess with in her sight it was not enough for her. To have one daughter well married was acceptable, but with such an achievement so close to success she was only hungry for more. She herself came from a very respectable family but had married a red coat, even if he was a Colonel in the King’s Army from a very respectable family he was not a rich man per se, for this reason her life had been somewhat discontent. There was not the same finery surrounding her now as there had been before her marriage. This was what she hoped that all of her daughters would have. For Eleanor to marry her cousin, a mere clergyman would be even more of step down and considering she did not have a particularly large dowry, only seven thousand pounds, it would never buy them a house or independence. Other than that she would probably have been willing to allow them to marry.

As for Isabella’s romance it was pretty much a decided thing. The whole of Anglesey was eagerly awaiting the news of her betrothal to the Marquess of Gower, their most dignified resident. Mrs Llewellyn left them together for at least an hour every week in the hope that he would say something to her. Yet he never spoke, even her mother’s hints did not encourage him. Isabella was not particularly well versed in the art of patience; she was so like me in that respect. Mrs Llewellyn was even more agitated than usual, on several occasions I was sent to her rooms in order to look after her while she bemoaned her fate and her daughters’ single status, “I do not know what will become of her Miss Bennet really I do not, for here is the Marquess of Gower calling on Belle and she cannot get a proposal out of him, she must be putting him off I do declare, for why else would he not make an offer to her. Then Nora, oh I do not know what to do with that girl, really I do not, she will not pay the slightest heed to any gentleman except her cousin and she could do so much better than him! Miss Bennet you must speak to them both, I know you will make them see sense, get Belle to make the Marquess to make an offer and Nora to pay attention to richer men! Oh Miss Bennet, you are so good, oh you will speak with them won’t you? Oh pass me my salts!”

There was little that I could really say to either of them. Eleanor was already engaged, though no one but me knew the truth of the situation with her cousin. To me it was proof enough of her devotion to him; she was a good girl not likely to break a promise too. Besides why change her mind, she loved him that should be enough for them to be happy.

They, Eleanor and Isabella had quizzed me over my sudden decision to leave Cresocartref, because it was so sudden. They begged me to tell them the truth for the excuse which they had been given was that I planned to live with my eldest sister who was expecting her first child did not convince them. Isabella particularly knew that it was not quite right, “Please Miss Lizzy I know that you and Papa are not telling us everything, what is the real reason that you are going away! For I do not believe that it is to look after your sister, you have not helped your other sister look after her children and if you really were then why are you not going before the birth but a couple of months afterwards?”

“You have everything worked out for yourself Belle, why do you not take a guess yourself; you will not be far off the mark I should imagine.” I decided to eventually give in to their nagging and let at least the two oldest Llewellyn daughters are in on the secret though they were made to solemnly swear that they would never tell another living soul.

Eleanor looked a little shocked, later she spoke of the matter to me. Isabella on the other hand looked at me and with her astounding astuteness simply said, “Is Mr Darcy the man who refused to dance Miss Lizzy?” Eleanor looked curiously at her sister before understanding dawned on her pretty face; they had been in one another’s confidence though Eleanor had still not told Isabella of her engagement to their cousin. I happily assured them that it was indeed the case, Mr Darcy was the man who refused to dance and the pair of them happily wished me joy and did not complain about me leaving them again.

Later Eleanor came to speak to me herself, there was more that she wished to say on the subject of her cousin. She knocked on the door then entered, her shawl was wrapped around her shoulders her nightgown was on, the rest of the family had retired some time ago, I was still burning down the candle reading a book, for there was no time for such luxuries in the day, “I thought I would find you up Lizzy, my I disturb your solitude and seek your advice.” With a nod of acquaintance on my part she took a seat on the stool next to the dressing table, “First of all I believe that I must apologize for what happened when Mr Darcy came to visit us, you must have hated me.” She wriggled her bare feet looking uncomfortable.

“Eleanor there is nothing to forgive, you were in no way out of line, your behaviour was impeccable and besides you and me both know that you are too devoted to Mr Andrew to behave so fickly.” I said, trying not to sound as if I was at all censuring her mother, I could not in all honestly do so as it would be hypocritical of me, my own mother was forever conjuring schemes such as Mrs Llewellyn’s and I had always laughed it off and forgiven her for her lack of judgment. Mrs Llewellyn deserved the same courtesy from me.

“You are certain?” She looked up from studying her feet and studied my face carefully as if to ascertain if I were attempting to spare her feelings or not, “Lizzy I must ask you something very important, your engagement does Papa know of all the details and does he condone your decision to keep it secret or did you tell him the same as you told Belle and I?”

“Your father knows everything Eleanor, Mr Darcy wrote him a letter explaining the situation, your father understands our desire to keep the engagement a private affair.” I said wondering just where this conversation was heading.

“Do you feel it too impertinent to ask you why you decided to keep the engagement private rather than a secret? What made you decide to tell at least a few people of the arrangement and not just keep it completely to yourselves? Surely by letting a few people know there was a chance that you would be found out by society, you said to Belle and I that was why you told your family, so that the arrangement would not appear so clandestine.”

“Yes that was the reason, because we did not want people to find out and then reach the incorrect conclusion about the nature of our relationship. In all honesty we could not really announce a betrothal it would have been considered highly improper by many people and there were reasons which I shall not reveal to you why we did not want that sort of talk. If at least our family knew then we would have their support should the secret be revealed and there be some sort of scandal.”

“Oh, would people really accuse you of untoward behaviour if they found out that there had been a secret engagement?” She looked very young and naïve, it was her nature to be trusting of people that was why she had entered into her own secret engagement with so few qualms.

“Very likely yes, which is why the engagement has been a private one, it will be announced eventually just not quite yet, for proprieties sake rather than anything else.”

“So private engagements are far better to enter into than secret ones?”

“Yes Eleanor.” I agreed wondering to what exactly these questions were tending to; clearly it was something to do with her own relationship with her cousin.

“Do you think that if Andrew and I were to speak to Papa about our engagement that he would be willing to keep it a secret from Mamma? He has been supportive of your choices and agreed to keep it quiet, why would he not do the same for me, after all he is not so reticent about a match with Andrew as Mamma is.” She finally asked what she had come to do.

It was a difficult question to answer, what should be done for the best? Eleanor had placed me in a very difficult position in the first place by her to confide such a secret and then be forced to not reveal it to her parents, my employers. Now she wanted to know if I thought it wise to ask for her fathers consent. The question was as difficult to answer as her secret had been difficult to keep. It had been weighing on my mind for some length of time now, and the guilt had been building up that I would keep such a secret from her father.

Colonel Llewellyn would very likely be far more applicative of knowing the truth of his daughter’s situation than by discovering it through village gossip. However, would he be willing to then keep it a secret from his wife? It did not seem right at all. Eleanor’s engagement was a huge matter, Mrs Llewellyn could not be denied knowledge, and she had as much right to giving her consent to the matter as anyone else, yet to the understanding of others she was quite disapproving of the whole affair. Thus was it right to advice Eleanor to go behind her mother’s back and consult her father in the matter?

My own father had never hidden things from my mother. They may not have had the closest of relationships, there may have even been a lack of respect on both their parts, but he would never undermine her in such a manner as that. Yes he would tease her and lead her on but not in matters that were as important as this was. He nearly always did what she would have wanted even if it was not necessarily what he wanted, it was best to keep her happy he had found. The only time he had ever outright undermined her had been when Mr Collins had proposed and she had insisted that I accept he had outright refused Mr Collins. The rest of the time he would carefully sway her opinion on the matter until he had her consent as well.

“Eleanor I really do not know what you should do, I cannot advise you in such a matter. While I do not condone the secrecy currently involved, to advise you to tell the Colonel would be partly selfish on my part. In all honesty it would not be fair to undermine your mother in such a way would it?”

“So you do not think it would be right for Andrew and I to speak to him?”

“The decision is up to you. It might be best if you and Mr Andrew speak about it together, have you spoken to him about you current thoughts yet?”

“No.” She looked downcast for a second, “I do not want him to think that I am displeased by our arrangement because I am not, I just hate the secrecy of it all.”

“Well perhaps you will not have to wait that much longer then, I think everything will turn out well in the end.” I gave her a comforting hug and she departed for the night.

As it happened she did not have long to wait at all until she received her father’s approval over the match. In May, the Marquess finally spoke to Colonel Llewellyn and they came to an agreement regarding Isabella. The Marquess was reluctant to enter into any engagement because of Isabella’s age, she was barely sixteen and by no means old enough to become his wife, however it was quite a decided thing that they both wanted to marry. Isabella of course objected to them saying that she was too young at first, but eventually was made to see the sense in the compromise that was reached. That was that their engagement would be announced, but they would not marry until she turned eighteen. She still bemoaned that two years was a dreadfully long time but there was nothing to be done was there. He stayed on the estate at Anglesey for the majority of his time over the next two years only departing when business called him away. It was quite funny really because his house Llysmaen was really only a hunting lodge and had not the luxuries he was accustomed to.

With the engagement between Isabella and the Marquess settled Andrew Bagot finally went to speak with Colonel Llewellyn, he had the support of the Marquess on his side and Eleanor and Mr Andrew Bagot’s engagement was announced to the world as well. Mrs Llewellyn did not seem to mind too much, “I hoped to see all my girls well married, but their own happiness is most important really and though Andrew may not be rich he truly loves Nora. Besides I think it very likely that with such impeccable connections as the Marquess of Gower he will not be a country clergyman for much longer, I should not be surprised if he eventually becomes a Bishop.” She bubbled to me cheerfully only three days later.

Not to be completely forgotten in the round of engagement that had taken place at Cresocartref House was my own. It had been arranged between Darcy and myself that a public announcement would be made in June. Mrs Llewellyn found it first when she was looking over the news of Court and the engagements and obituaries, it was the only thing she would ever read: the gossip columns in The Times. She suddenly screamed loudly in shock threw the paper down and picked it up again and demanded Eleanor’s presence to come and read this announcement to her, “For I am sure they must have misprinted it, I would have known about it otherwise.” She reasoned excitably.

Eleanor and Isabella both huddled over the paper, “You mean this one Mamma?” Isabella asked in an innocent voice, “Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy Esq. of Pemberley House, Derbyshire announces his engagement to Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”

“Yes, yes that is the one. Miss Bennet what have you to say is it true?”

“Quite true ma’am.” I assured her

“It is not put in very well my dear, it does not even mention where you live or your parents or anything, you ought to have a word with that young man of yours.”

“It was the announcement which we agreed upon.”

“He consulted you first?”

“Of course ma’am.”

“Well this is quite a turn of events. All my doing I suppose if he had not stayed here then the two of you would never have become in engaged, I must say we have had some luck here recently. Well then my dear congratulations he is a charming young man you will do very well with him I dare say.” She said perfectly cheerfully, I had feared her reaction slightly, she had seemed to want Eleanor to marry Mr Darcy but the announcement did not seem to bother her in the slightest. Later, the night before I departed for the last time she came to visit me, “Now my dear, you must know that I look upon you quite as if you were my own daughter so I feel that it is my duty to speak to you on this subject…” The less said on that conversation the better I believe, but it was very sweet of her and it pleased me to know that she thought so well of me she even had a gift for me, something old she explained it was a little yellow rose porcelain broach, “to go with my wedding gown” she said, for she hoped that I would marry in yellow since apparently it became me so well.

I should not have worried about how Mrs Llewellyn would take the news at all. In all this time I had forgotten about Lady Catherine de Bourgh, her nose had been pushed greatly out of joint by the announcement that her nephew was remarrying again and once again he was not marrying her daughter Anne who was so perfectly formed for him. She sent me a letter by express expressing her displeasure in my actions and accusing me of trapping her nephew, she said that I had been scheming and plotting the whole time that he had been wed to that woman (she never could bring herself to address Lady Arabella properly) she accused me of having used my arts and allurements to entrap him and insisted that I break the engagement immediately. Truthfully, I was greatly shocked that she did not journey up from Kent to visit me but she was getting old and frail by all accounts, she died several years later after a long withdrawn illness only living long enough to finally reconcile with her nephew and forgive him the terrible mistakes he had made. She did not attend the wedding, as she felt that her esteemed presence not being present was quite enough to express her extreme displeasure.

Jane and Bingley came to collect me from Cresocartref and take me to London to shop for my trousseau. With them was their first child a little girl, Clara. She was a tiny and angelic like a tiny version of Jane; just as she looked as a baby, I imagine and Bingley’s old spinster aunt who had come to live with them to help take care of the children. She was introduced to me as Aunt Biddy and insisted that I address her in such an informal manner too; it was a testament to the easy going manners of the Bingley family. The goodbyes with the Llewellyn’s were tearful they were after all a second family even though we would see them again as they were traveling down for the wedding.

We had a month in which we received calls of congratulations, even Miss Bingley was perfectly cordial towards me, in return I treated her with politeness having long forgiven her for her behaviour towards me, even the embarrassment she had caused at Lady Arabella’s dinner party. Jane and Aunt Gardiner dragged me round shop after shop buying gown after gown, I would never have believed that shopping – a pass time that I had never objected to greatly – could be so very exhausting.

London had other benefits to it as well. I was allowed to see my fiancé regularly which was a definite improvement on the weekly letters which had been endure over the past seven months.

I was formally introduced to family members who before I had barely spoken to. The Earl and Countess of Matlock were perfectly friendly and good natured, very different from Lady Catherine and they had not the slightest objection to me. And to Darcy’s other cousins, Viscount Shirley and his wife and Lady Harriette Claughton and her husband, the Colonel was once again absent, apparently abroad, his mother said that he sent his congratulations. We did not see him for years as he always seemed to be going in the opposite direction to us, sometimes I thought that he was purposefully avoiding us. He spent a lot of time at Rosings and finally married Anne.

Georgiana and Lord Tyndale announced their intentions to be married soon as well, by Christmas they hoped, no one was surprised by their revelation and we all offered our congratulations to them. Henriette commented later that she was now the only one of us all that was left single, remembering that only a year before I possessed a similar feeling myself I reassured her once again that everything would turn out well in the end. And it did, she married when she was twenty two to the Duke of Rochester, not the same one who had nearly married her elder sister but a distant cousin of his who had inherited the title once the late Duke’s life of debauchery led him to an early grave. The history of her courtship is too long a one to repeat here, but needless to say she found happiness.

My wedding was something of a surprise to me; I had been involved in the planning of course, and had settled that the wedding would take place in Pemberley’s chapel. It was not quite what I had imagined in my younger years but there we have it. There was really no other choice as I had no desire to be married in town and neither did Mr Darcy.

We set off just over a week before hand in the direction of Pemberley, Jane and Bingley were with us. The Gardiners would arrive a few days before the wedding with the Thursfields. Apparently, Mr Thursfield could not leave the parish for an extended period at the present but they would not miss the wedding for the world, Kitty had written to me apologetically.

After only half a days traveling I began to recognize the countryside it was familiar, but not the direction of Derbyshire that I had remembered taking before, I turned to the others who had been watching me carefully, “Why it is that Hertfordshire?” I exclaimed with a great deal of wonder, “What are we doing in Hertfordshire, Fitzwilliam, Jane are we not going in the wrong direction should we not be in Bedfordshire now?” Jane shook her head with a smile.

“No Elizabeth not today.” Darcy said taking my hand, I looked sharply at him.

“Why not?”

“Just wait and see my dear.” He said with a mysterious smile.

There was not long to wait before we pulled up outside the front of Longbourn, I had a feeling that that was where we were destined for but he had refused to say one way or the other when I had attempted to guess. Charlotte was standing outside the front of the house with Lucy tugging on her hand and Mrs Hill carrying Walter, Mr Collins had come to wait for us at the bottom of the drive and bowed and waved like mad. “Lizzy!” Charlotte rushed towards me as soon as Darcy had helped me down from the carriage, “Oh I am so happy to see you again and you Jane.” She greeted both of us with a kiss on the cheek then turned to the gentlemen, “Mr Darcy, Mr Bingley it is lovely to see you again.”

“Mrs Collins, you look well.” Bingley supplied her with his usual cordial manners.

“Mrs Collins we must thank you for your hospitality, it is very good of you.”

“Oh it is nothing I assure you it will be…”

“Mr Darcy,” Here Mr Collins who had finally caught us up interrupted puffing and panting, “we would of course always offer such an esteemed personage as yourself our humble hospitality particularly considering the generous condescension which your Aunt the Right Honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh was so kind as to bestow on my dear Charlotte and myself the valuable rectory of this parish rectory at Rosings Park, Hunsford Cottage was most comfortable and suitable for the needs of my dear Charlotte and I before we came to inherit Longbourn from my poor unfortunate cousin the late Mr Bennet. We would of course never deny you admittance into our house and may I congratulate you on you engagement to my cousin Elizabeth, who if I am able to make any amends for removing her from her childhood home I would of course never deny you and what you condescended to ask me was no trouble at all no indeed no trouble of all we would always be glad to have such illustrious guests staying…”

“My dear,” Charlotte finally interrupted his ramblings and invited us inside for refreshments. They had made a few changes since arriving at Longbourn nothing too drastic and mostly of Mr Collins instructions in the library he had done terrible things, not only had he got rid of the novels – I had taken those with me when I left, but he had proceed to get rid of the science books now as well and Shakespeare and the poetry including the lovely had illustrated version of The Canterbury Tales which had been Papa’s pride and joy, all that was left were sermon books and Latin and Greek. He was reading to Lucy from them already.

Left alone to walk in the gardens later that afternoon Darcy finally revealed the plan to me, “We are to marry from the church at Longbourn my darling all the guests already know and will be here on the day, I know how much you wanted to be married from your childhood church though you said nothing. Mrs Collins was quite amenable to the plan of us, Bingley and Jane staying at the house until the wedding. Kitty and the others felt that it would be best if we did not overcrowd them all at once that is why they delayed their journey. Do you mind that we have been planning behind your back, will it spoil your plans too much, if it does then I am sure that Mrs Reynolds would not mind…”

“No, no it is perfect my love, a wonderful surprise I cannot believe that you managed to keep me so much in the dark though.” I silenced his explanation with a quick kiss.

We walked on for a little while when a thought which had been troubling me for goodness knows how long re-entered my head, when he had proposed to me why had he said that he had not meant to speak yet and why further more did he not think that I would be favourably inclined. Finally, I stopped and popped a few buds on the fuchsia bush, the popping noise they make is very soothing, and asked him why he had said that – I suppose in retrospect it was not the best proposal yet still somehow it was. “I would have thought it obvious to you Elizabeth.” He said with surprise but on me shaking my head quizzically he continued, “I simply did not think that I had the right to speak to you on such a subject, it seemed disrespectful to you as well as Lady Arabella.”

“Oh?”

“I had completed my period of mourning it is true but it was not fair to rush into an engagement so soon no matter my own feelings. It would have been prudent of me to wait at least a few months more before saying anything to you on the matter.”
“And when would that have been, you might never have even seen me again.”

“It is true the thought did cross my mind, but it was not likely.”

“You could have come to Cresocartref House.” I suggested, “How very convenient that you were acquaintances of theirs, if Lord Tyndale had arranged my position you may not have had that luxury.” I commented with just a hint of archness, “How very convenient for you.”

“I never intended to do such a thing though, it was shear coincidence that I knew of their search for a governess, that is all. Beside if I had had no encouragement from you then I should never have assumed as much as to just arrive on the Llewellyn’s doorstep.” He continued seriously, though I knew full well that he was being teased for he then added, “But I think it was very clever of me to keep you away from any other men.”

“Yes very clever indeed.” I rolled my eyes, “Truly it was very fortunate that Mr Bagot, Mr Randal and the Marquess’ affections were already engaged when I met them.”

“And even more fortunate that we have such scheming relatives.” He added with a grin.

“Do you think?”

“Probably not as much as your scheming.” He continued to tease me.

“My scheming?” I laughed lightly, “Mr Darcy I never once schemed.”

“No, but you scared me into submission.”

“Submission indeed!” I shook my head and tried to suppress a grin, “It is not my fault you are such a wimp, believing in your own ghost stories.”

“A wimp, am I?” He cast me a serious look, it was almost disapproving but for the sparkle in his own eye it would have been hard to tell he was teasing me. “Then I wonder why you chose to accept me?”

“Your great estate?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“And there I was thinking that you were different from any other woman of my acquaintance, it seems I was mistaken madam, a pity is it not?” He grimaced, his eyes still betraying him.

“Yes a very great pity.” I nodded my head solemnly in agreement to his statement. “However, it is not too late for you to back out.”

“I could, but I fear even Bingley would have my head for that. Besides, in truth I believe that I love you too much to let you go again.” He finally spoke in all seriousness, I stopped and looked up at him, my own soft smile mirrored upon his own face.

“That is a very good thing.”

“Why is that Elizabeth?” He bent his head down towards my ear as he spoke.

“Well it is not really your grand estate but you that I love the most.”

Epilogue

Our wedding was perfect; to me at least I shall not sport with your intelligence by describing it in too great a detail for it was really no different from any other wedding that had occurred either before or after. It was simply a late summer country wedding. Yet, to me it was perfect with my friends and family all there and most importantly the man who I loved who that day became my husband and not my master.

It was frowned on; I will not even try to deny it. Even though the majority of his family were welcoming to me the same could not be said for the majority of society. However, not for the reasons I had imagined. Most seemed to ignore that I had been a governess instead they were more concerned by the gossip that I had been his mistress before we married, Lady Newlyn had been the one to spread this rumour and frankly I think she would have been more respectful to her late sister’s memory that as to do such a thing. But I am sure she would reason that juicy gossip must be told. It was I suppose fortune that we were now married, as it undid at least some of the shame of my position. We did not have to bear under the shunning for long however, Lord and Lady Matlock would not have it so and they were too important in the ton to be ignored. We did not spent a great deal of time in town anyway mostly preferring to remain in the country with our family circle.

The Sutton children it may surprise you to learn that it was decided that they should be left at school, Priscilla was perfectly at home there and once Roberta’s friendship with Emma blossomed it seemed a shame to remove them from their friends, Thomas on the other hand was more of a concern. It was unusual for a boy only six years old to be at school already and by all accounts he was something of a handful but in the long term, the discipline he received there did him good he has become a most respectable young man. The children never had a settled home which was unfortunate, but does not seem to have affected them at all that they divided their holidays between Darcy and I, Henriette and the Duke, Georgiana and Tyndale, and the Countess of Newlyn and her husband. They have grown up to be fine and respectable, Priscilla achieved her dearest wish she was a stunning beauty at eighteen and was quickly snatched up by her cousin the Viscount. Roberta, never quite the beauty her sister was improved as she grew older the straw coloured hair she and Thomas both had darkened considerably it complimented her turquoise eyes far better and though she was not beautiful she was pretty enough to marry a young man of moderate means Mr Wilmot and she are very happy together. Both the girls have children of their own now which makes me feel very old indeed. Thomas is to come of age any day now we are just waiting for him to complete his tenure at University before he takes complete control of Allcotte when that time comes it is likely that he will announce his engagement to Rachel.

Little Rachel has transformed into a lovely young lady she has the good looks of her mother and father without their poor temperaments instead she acts like the sweet and guiding elder sibling of Kitty and Mr Thursfield’s four children. She knows little of her real parents and though her situation has never been purposefully concealed to most of the world she is Rachel Thursfield the daughter of a country clergyman, in turn the rest of us really know very little about her father whatever happened to Wickham he has sunk into obscurity never having married an heiress as he envisioned or apparently suffering for his misdeeds. Occasionally Rachel has wondered if she has any real brothers or sisters but not often she is happy with her other Mother and Father and Samuel, Abigail, Daniel and Estelle.

There are two people missing and I cannot conclude this tale without mentioning them one last time, for there have been two sisters who I have neglected completely for the greater part of my story. Mary we had heard little from her indeed there was very little to tell of her until recently when she arrived at Pemberley one day while we were hosting a picnic. As we all knew she had gone to France to join a convent but decided not to take the veil and instead after several months left the convent and went to India to work as a missionary. There she had met with the Reverend Doctor Thompson and married him about eight years ago now. They had had the girls, twins Talitha and Miriam, and decided that the climate was not the best for raising young children and so they had returned to England when they had news of a new rectory waiting for Dr Thompson to take over. On their arrival in London they had gone straight to Gracechurch Street only to find that the house was now inhabited by another family. They had kindly supplied Mary and her family with the Gardiner’s new place of residence a small estate just outside Lambton and from there she had been taken to meet her family at Pemberley it was a happy reunion to see that everything had worked out so well for Mary.

And Lydia too, she was dead of course and Wickham, Rachel’s father had vanished from the country without a trace, what happened to him I truly cannot say. But we must spare a thought for Lydia, for had she not run away I would never have been reunited with my husband. We named our first child for my sister, as a mark of gratitude she lived only a week and lies next to generations of Darcys now every week at church we pass her tiny grave and I spare a thought for my daughter and sister too.

She is not the only child who we have had in fifteen years, five more followed Lydia Darcy. William, Ben, Elizabeth, Peter and Adele, there was a seventh child we would sometimes call our own, Jane and Bingley’s third and last child Leona spent her earlier years with us. Following her rather difficult birth and Jane’s subsequent illness I had just had Lizzy and as a favour we took Leona on too. Lizzy and Leonie are practically inseparable our children are more brother and sister to her than Clara and Jack I have sometimes heard said but I would doubt it. There are hundreds more cousins and nephews and nieces and grandchildren too, not ours yet though some day soon there will be if I were to list them all you would likely be very bored.

When reading to me once many years ago now Georgiana said that when one embarked upon telling their history if the task is to be done well then they must be in possession of Irish humour Scottish prudence and English sincerity. I should hope that I have fulfilled those requirements though I am not entirely certain what exactly Irish humour is I would like to think that there has been at least a little wit, for my tale has been both sincere and prudent, at least I possess two of the above criteria. In any case it shall be left to you the reader to be the judge of that because I have told all there really is to tell you and so the last words I have to write on these pages are nothing more than,

The End.