Section I, Next Section
Chapter 1
Posted on Thursday, 23 December 2004
Elizabeth bent to tie the ribbons of Julia’s bonnet, being careful not to tangle the lustrous blond ringlets that bounced between the strips of blue satin. The child’s sparkling eyes reflected the affection she felt for her governess, as she tried, yet again, to prevent her departure. Her angelic little face took on the determined expression of a beloved child used to getting her way, for she was rarely unreasonable, and was far too precious for anyone to wish to disappoint.
“Won’t you change your mind and come to Grandmama’s with us for Christmas, Miss Bennet? I shall share all my gifts with you if you do!”
“Oh, that is so very generous of you, Julia, and I must admit, very tempting. But my own mama and papa are waiting for me in Hertfordshire, and as you know, I haven’t seen them in a very long time. I will miss you terribly, but I doubt that you shall have the time to think about me with all your cousins for company.”
Julia’s mouth twisted in disappointment but soon turned into a smile as Elizabeth kissed her cheek and whispered a secret in her ear. She then curtsied and turned to allow the footman to help her into the carriage, now content to join her mother and sister who knew nothing of this treasured confidence.
Elizabeth shot Laura a meaningful glance. This perceptive and sensitive girl, who had at first been so distrustful, was now a most devoted ally. At four, Julia had been eager to attach herself to anyone who would show her the attention and affection she so craved, but at thirteen, Laura had been resentful and unapproachable for many months. Since her mother’s illness had begun, there had been a string of governesses, many feigning concern only to obtain her obedience. But Elizabeth’s quiet devotion soon won her over and helped to establish a relationship that was closer to that of a sister, than a teacher. Laura now responded to Elizabeth’s smile with a nod. Yes, she would try to anticipate Mama’s every need this Christmas and make her as comfortable and happy as possible. She knew she’d be creating memories that would have to last her a lifetime.
Nanny finally arrived with fifteen-month-old Jonathan, bundled up to the tip of his nose, and handed him to Elizabeth for a kiss goodbye. She breathed in that heavenly baby scent, pressed her lips against his forehead and found herself welling up, yet again. The love that she had come to feel for this child surprised and even frightened her at times – for never had she expected to become so attached to any of her little charges. But Jonathan’s endearing smile and shining eyes forced her daily to reconsider her decision not to marry.
Was she really prepared to live her life without a child of her own? Could she deny herself this exquisite pleasure? She had once professed that only the very deepest love could induce her into matrimony, but now she knew that statement to be the declaration of a naive and romantic girl. In her idealistic innocence she hadn’t considered all the twists and turns that life could take. Indeed, life offered many different kinds of love to the human experience, and as she had already ruined her chances of ever being married to the man she truly loved, would she not be foolish to deny herself the joys of motherhood as well? Perhaps Charlotte had been right after all. Perhaps it was better to accept the hand of a respectable man rather than to live a life devoid of children and a home of your own.
Well, she could not allow herself this melancholy now; the children needed her to be cheerful. “Pull yourself together, Elizabeth,” she chided. Blinking back her tears, she widened her smile, and handed Jonathan back to Nanny. She hugged her pelisse about her neck against the wind, and stood back to wave them off. A fortnight was no time at all, really. She was anxious to get home to her family - especially to Papa and Jane - but also knew that after two short weeks, she would be eager to return again.
“So, Miss Bennet, you and I are left to lock up,” said Mr. Strickland turning back towards the house. “As soon as you’ve finished your packing, come into the library for your wages, my dear. I wish to follow the family as soon as may be.”
“Of course, Sir. I am all packed except for a few last minute items. I shall be down directly.”
Elizabeth curtsied and hurried up the stairs, an amused grin playing about her lips. It was well known among the staff that Mr. Strickland hated being confined in a carriage with his wife, Nanny and the three children. So when the distance of the trip and the weather permitted it, he chose to follow on horseback, declaring his willingness to sacrifice his own comfort for that of his family.
What an odd sort of man Mr. Strickland was! As much as she had made a place for herself in his lavish London home, she was never completely at ease in his company – though she could not pinpoint the reason. It was true that he had little time or patience for his children – or his poor ailing wife, for that matter. But how could she judge him for that seemingly, all too common, male trait? Her own beloved father was not the best of husbands, and had never troubled himself much with the upbringing of her sisters. Yet knowing that Mary Strickland’s time her family was limited made his indifference all the more unkind. How she worried for the children once their mother had passed!
Elizabeth’s mood brightened as she entered her own little sanctuary. The sunlight shone in from the large bay windows, spreading cheeriness and hope to all the corners of the beautiful room. How she loved her private little haven! It made her smile just to think of it. She had never expected to be given such a luxurious bedchamber – one overlooking the tree-lined street and so close to the rest of the family! Not only was it a pleasure to spend her solitary hours in this comfortable room, but it also afforded her a higher status in the eyes of the other servants, which she very much appreciated.
It had all worked out pretty well actually – this becoming a governess. After her refusal of Mr. Fielding’s marriage offer, it had become clear that it was no longer possible for her to live at home. Mama’s disappointment and anger made Longbourn more of a prison than a home. And with Jane gone to Aunt Gardiner’s so often and for months on end, Elizabeth had decided to take charge of her own future. She had limited her search for employment to families who spent the larger portion of the year in London so that she would be assured a refuge on her afternoon off. Aunt and Uncle Gardiner pampered and spoiled her, always having a wonderful dinner ready on her arrival and arranging all sorts of outings or other amusements for her entertainment. She had already been to several museums and galleries, as well as concerts in the park, and Aunt Gardiner often took her visiting to friends who would, in turn, introduce her to young women her own age. When Jane was in town she would join her and the children in the park or on shopping expeditions, so that they had the pleasure of each other’s company quite often. It was more than she had hoped for, under the circumstances. Now if she could only control this insidious melancholy!
Elizabeth slipped her hairbrush and reticule into the small needlepoint satchel she intended to keep with her on the coach. Picking up her bonnet from the bed, she took one last look around the room, and headed out the door and down the stairs. Her trunk was waiting for her in the vestibule and she deposited the rest of her belongings, including her pelisse, on top of it before knocking on the library door. Mr. Strickland opened it for her himself.
“Your bank note is on my desk, Miss Bennet. All that needs to be done is my signature. Please make yourself comfortable,” he said gesturing for her to take a seat in the chair before the desk.
“Thank you, Sir, but if I am to be on time for the Post, I must be on my way. I have a traveling companion waiting for me at the station.”
“Yes of course,” he murmured as he seated himself at the desk and selected a quill.”
“I wish to tell you what a pleasure it is to observe you with my children, Miss Bennet. Your warmth and thoughtful attention have not gone unnoticed, “ he said, lifting his eyes to hers. “I especially enjoy watching the tender affection you bestow on little Jonathan. What a pretty picture you make when he rests his little head on your bosom. Lucky boy, that.”
Elizabeth was stunned by her employer’s untoward remark, but knew not how to respond to it or even if it was wise to do so. She lowered her eyes and waited in silence. As soon as she had her pay she would make the quickest possible exit. Why was it that some men had the need to humiliate the women in their employ?
“Ah, I see I’ve embarrassed you! But playing coy will never do, Miss Bennet A young lady of your passionate nature must be accustomed to arousing the interest of gentleman. If you do not wish the attention, Miss Bennet, you must be careful not to tease.”
Elizabeth gaped at his words. How could he say such a thing to her? How could he even think it? Caustic bile rose from the pit of her stomach. She loved her position in his home and the freedom it afforded her from Longbourn, but most of all, she loved the children – and now with these alarming words having been spoken, it was clear that she would have to leave them! Never would she have suspected that Strickland had designs on her! How could she have been so blind!
”Besides, I don’t believe that even you are naïve enough to think that such a generous remuneration is being paid to you simply for reading and playing with my children!” he said, clearly enjoying her discomfort. “Now that you have settled into the household, is it not time that you paid some attention to these other duties?”
“I beg your pardon, Sir?” she stammered in disbelief.
“Come, come Miss Bennet,” he said, dropping the unsigned note on the desk and coming around to stand before her. “Surely you understand my meaning? You are a healthy and warmly affectionate young woman. Indeed, you yourself must have needs? You cannot deny that you have thought of it; I have seen that look in those beautiful eyes of yours. Now, ” he said with a smug grin as he pressed menacingly towards her, forcing her to fall back into the chair, “ let me assure you, Miss Bennet, that I will be a very patient teacher, as long as you are a conscientious and cooperative pupil?” He bent over her, placing his hands on the arms of the chair, thus barring her escape.
An instinct for self-preservation that Elizabeth never knew she had rose up from the depths of her being. She straightened her spine and glared at him with studied composure. “Forgive me, Sir, but I was unaware that such favors were part of my duties here! So if you will kindly let me go, I shall leave your employ immediately and allow you to find someone more suitable.”
‘You disappoint me, Miss Bennet! I was hoping to avoid any unpleasantness between us, but I must warn you that I am not a man easily dissuaded from his passions. Don’t try my patience, my dear; it shall not bode well for you.”
She rose forcefully from the chair, but was roughly pushed back into it. He thrust one hand into the bodice of her gown while painfully restraining her with the other – his fingers pressing mercilessly into her flesh just below her collarbone. He then clamped his mouth over hers, stifling her cries. The force of his attack was overwhelming, and try as she might, she could not get out from under him. He bit at her lips, and groped and pinched her mercilessly until in the midst of her struggles, her knees made contact with his groin and he momentarily loosened his grip. She jumped up, and pushing him aside, raced for the door. But even before she could reach it, he had grabbed her again and was pulling her back towards the divan. She would not comply! Her arms flailing, she used all her strength to hurl herself away from him – but when he suddenly let go, she was sent crashing into the corner of his desk. Dazed and winded, she sat on the carpeting simply trying to catch her breath. Seeing her helpless, he lunged for her again, but in the very last moment she managed to roll away and scramble towards the French doors that led to the outer courtyard. He then caught her by her hair, yanked her to the ground and struck her mercilessly across the face with the back of his hand.
“I suggest you stop struggling, Miss Bennet. You are only making this more difficult for yourself than is necessary. And look what’s become of your pretty face! I daresay your own mother would not recognize you!”
Without diverting his gaze, he reached down to lift the hem of her gown when she thrust her head forward and bit him savagely on the arm. He staggered back, crying out with rage, obscenities pouring from his mouth. In that second, however, she bolted for the doors, flung them open and raced out into the street. She ran, in which direction she knew not, for a full ten minutes before the pain in her side prevented her from continuing.
She hid herself in the shadows of a narrow doorpost, being now easily startled by passersby and stray cats alike. She could only imagine how she must look, and what any respectable person would think upon seeing her! Her mind raced for someone to turn to, but aunt and uncle Gardiner had left for Longbourn earlier that morning, and without her reticule she had no money for the cab that would get her to the Post. She had arranged to travel with Mattie Bickford, a governess whom she had befriended in the park, but in the last moment they had agreed not to wait for one another should one of them be delayed. It had made such good sense at the time!
The blood pounding through her veins had kept her warm while she had been running, but now that she had stopped, the cold was seeping into her bones. She had nothing, nothing with her! Her pelisse and bonnet, her reticule and satchel – everything was sitting in the vestibule of a house to which she could never return. Julia’s sweet offer for her to join the family for Christmas rang in her ears. If only she had gone! No, it would have only postponed the inevitable! He would have found another opportunity! She stood shivering against the door, the pain in her side intensifying with every movement, when the thought that she could actually die on these streets seized her. She simply had to get warm! Perhaps she could find a constable? Even if she were arrested, her situation would improve. She had to keep going despite the pain!
Gingerly, she took a step foreword. Why was it becoming so agonizingly painful to breathe? Clutching her midriff, she suddenly cried out at the sharp stab of pain in her side. She had hit the desk hard and was certain that she must be bruised in that area, but this . . . this was something more. Dear G-d, what is wrong with me?
She forced herself to take a few more steps towards the center of the street, and as she looked about her, wondering which way to go, a barouche rolled by, splashing the icy contents of a puddle over her entire person. She gasped as the freezing water penetrated every layer of undergarment and made contact with her skin. Desperately, she tried to keep her balance, but to no avail. Hugging her sides, she slumped to the ground, doubtful that she would have the strength to right herself again. For one hopeful, pitiful moment, she looked towards the barouche that was progressing indifferently down the street. She dropped her head and began to weep, but even that proved too painful and she stopped herself, concentrating on the short, shallow breaths that were easier to tolerate.
She knew not how long she had been in that position before she heard footsteps running towards her. She lifted her chin towards the sound and saw, to her amazement, a sight that even in her pain, she found comical. A thin lanky figure, holding a large lumpy object in one hand and the top of his beaver with the other, was bounding towards her, the tails of his coat flapping in the wind. Before he even reached her, she recognized his voice.
“Madam, madam, a thousand apologies! What have I done to you? My driver did not see you there until the last moment. Please, allow me to help you home.”
The lumpy object was a warm carriage rug that he now placed about her shoulders. She was grateful for its warmth, but her mortification at being seen in such a state prevented her from lifting her head.
“Do you live near by Madam? Won’t you allow me to help you up? My carriage is at your service.” Slipping his arm around her shoulders he tried to help her stand, pulling up on her upper body only to be rewarded with an excruciating cry that caused him to release her immediately. She slumped further forward, gasping for air and whimpering softly.
He approached her more cautiously now, and waited for her to catch her breath. “Are you hurt Madam? Are you ill? Forgive me, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She knew she had no choice. If she was to survive this inconceivable nightmare, she would have to allow him to be her savior. At least he wasn’t Fitzwilliam! At least she had been spared that! She turned her face up to look at him.
He paled immediately, his mouth opening to gasp out her name. “Miss Bennet!”
“My G-d, what has happened to you?” His eyes widened in horror as the obvious answer to his question struck him. “Dear G-d, you’ve been attacked! I must get you to a doctor! I must get you warm!” He straightened up and shouted for his driver to bring the carriage round, then squatted close to her crumpled form and asked, “Where are you hurt? How can I lift you without doing further damage? Can you tell me?”
“I don’t really know, Mr. Bingley,” she began, but was forced to stop speaking to take some shallow breaths. “Everything hurts I’m afraid, but the left side of my ribcage is especially painful. If you would try and keep my upper body straight I will do my best not frighten you with my outbursts.”
“My dear Miss Bennet,” he said, “do not be concerned about that! Hold fast and I shall try to be as gentle as possible.”
On seeing his master’s predicament, Thomas came to his assistance and the two of them managed to get Elizabeth into the coach without her further humiliating herself. She bit down on her already split and swollen lips to stifle any sounds that might wish to escape them, closed her eyes and let the gentlemen arrange her rigid body on the seat. Bingley folded a second rug behind her back and lift her legs onto the cushions. He then knelt beside her and held her steady to prevent her from being jostled by the swaying of the coach.
“Drive home Thomas, but take it slow and steady,” he shouted.
Caroline Bingley’s smug, self-satisfied grin flashed before Elizabeth’s eyes and she quickly pleaded, “No, no please, Mr. Bingley! If you would be so kind as to take me to an inn and lend me some money, I shall rest there for a day and then go home as planned. My parents are expecting me.”
“Take you to an inn? Miss Bennet, you need a doctor and the care of more than one servant, I dare say! I shall not leave you anywhere to fend for yourself; you are in no condition to be alone.”
“But I cannot impose on your sister, Mr. Bingley, please believe that with a good night’s rest I will be much better.”
“Miss Bennet, we both know that cannot be so. But you are right that my home is not the proper place for you. Caroline is visiting the Hursts at present and it would not do for you to be alone with me. I shall take you to Darcy’s. Georgiana and Mrs. Annesley are there, and Darcy will surely know the proper doctor to call. As it happens, I was just on my way there.”
“Oh no!” cried Elizabeth, her worst fears materializing. Would there be no end to her humiliation? “Mr. Bingley, please, do not take me there – any place but there. You know Mr. Darcy and I have. . . “ She let the rest of the sentence hang in the air and whispered, “ I can’t bear the thought of it.”
“Miss Bennet, I know your history with my friend, but I do assure you that Darcy is the kindest and most generous of men – despite his reserve and seeming hauteur. He will be only too glad to help. And although I appreciate that you may find it humiliating to be in his debt, I believe we have no other choice. We must get you warm and attended to as quickly as possible.” And without giving her a chance to respond, he redirected Thomas to resume their former route.
Chapter 2
Posted on Wednesday, 29 December 2004
Fourteen of Darcy’s out of town guests had already arrived for the Christmas celebration that evening. His aunt and uncle Matlock had come yesterday afternoon, while his cousin Alex and his family had arrived mid-morning. Richard had made his entrance just an hour ago along with some friends from Derbyshire who would be staying for the entire holiday. It had been customary for the Darcys to host their elaborate Christmas gathering at Pemberley, but this year Darcy had decided to stay in town to help ease Georgiana into society. Allowing her to attend some smaller functions with himself as her escort would give her a taste of society without the pressure of actually being out. Or so it had been explained.
Darcy nursed a glass of port as he half listened to his uncle drone on and on about some foreign investments. Would he not be interested in looking into them as well?
Darcy nodded his agreement, swirling the garnet liquid in his glass before polishing it off, completely unaware of what he was agreeing to. He made an effort to appear attentive as he reviewed the evening’s guest list in his mind. This specially selected group had several things in common. All were people of rank and influence, all were exceedingly well off, and all had attractive daughters of marriageable age.
It was time. He simply had to decide. Pemberley needed a mistress, Georgiana needed a sister to guide her, and G-d help him, he needed a wife! More specifically, he needed a woman in his bed! He had gotten too old for going out for such pleasures. He chuckled at his choice of words! How long had it been since he had equated such activity with true pleasure? It fulfilled a need, that was all, and he was tired of all the hoopla one had to go through, to have that need met. He scowled in disgust at his own repugnant thoughts. What had he become since he had lost Elizabeth? He could not bear to face the answer.
He had seen her in the park about a month ago with some children – her nieces and nephew, he presumed. She had pretended not to see him of course, making it all too clear that she wanted nothing to do with him. And how could he blame her for that! It was he alone who was responsible for her youngest sister’s pitiable situation! At first, he had only thought of protecting his own from scandal, and then, once he had confided the ugly truth, he had not given her permission to use it to protect the ones she loved! If only . . . if only he had found them in time!. . . By the time he had tracked them down some six months later, the foolish girl was with child, still unwed, and the damage to her family had long been done. How he had wanted to approach Elizabeth in the park that day, but he simply hadn’t had the courage to do so! Now he was doomed to live his life without her – and offer to another. The thought made him ill.
He took out his pocket watch and looked at the time. What was keeping Bingley? Cook was seething over fallen soufflés and his guests were growing hungry and impatient. He would have to begin the dinner without him. Damn inconsiderate of Bingley to be so late!
He was about to have the footman open the doors and announce that dinner was being served when Perkins came to inform him that he was needed at the front door.
“What is it, man?” he asked impatiently.
“Mr. Bingley wishes to speak to you privately, Sir.”
“Tell him to get himself in here at once; we can talk privately later! I can’t keep my guests waiting any longer!”
“Yes, Sir, “ murmured Perkins as he turned to deliver the message. Yet a moment later he was back, coming to lean in discretely towards his master’s ear.
“I beg your pardon, Sir, but Mr. Bingley says it is an emergency involving a Miss Elizabeth Bennet,” he whispered.
Darcy’s jaw went slack at the sound of her name. Stunned, he handed the butler his glass and hastened to the front door.
“Charles! What is this about Elizabeth?” he asked, grasping his friend’s shoulder.
“She’s in the coach Darcy, but . . . wait!”
He was half way down the steps when Bingley pulled at his coat sleeve and cautioned, “She’s in a bad way, Fitzwilliam; I must warn you.”
He pulled himself free and ran to open the door. He had heard Bingley’s warning, but nothing could have prepared him for what he now saw. He reeled at the image before him.
She sat huddled and shivering in the far corner of the carriage, her beautiful face distorted in pain. The swelling that surrounded an open gash beneath her left eye extended to the welts that covered her cheek – obviously the handiwork of a ringed and brutal hand. Her lips were split and swollen, while her throat and the delicate skin above the neckline of her gown were discolored with angry bruises. Yet despite all this, it was the shame he saw in her eyes that truly broke his heart – for he knew that he was the last man on earth from whom she would willingly seek assistance.
His first impulse was to demand the name of the monster who had done this to her, but that would satisfy his own need, not hers. He climbed in and seated himself beside her, gently taking her frozen hand in his. She startled at first, then sighed with the warmth of his touch. He searched out her other hand and bringing both to his lips, warmed them with his breath.
“You must be in great pain, Miss Bennet,” he choked out, “ please allow me to help you. I shall fetch a doctor immediately and do everything possible to make you comfortable. Now, can you put your arms about my neck so I can carry you inside?”
“I don’t think I can lift them that high, Mr. Darcy,” she said softly.
“Not to worry; we’ll manage. But I’m afraid it shall be necessary for me to be . . . Well you’ll have to forgive me.”
“Please, Mr. Darcy,” she said, placing her hand on his arm to restrain him. “Is there not other entryway? I don’t wish to be seen . . . by anyone,” she whispered, no longer able to hold back her tears.
“I shall take you through the kitchen and up the service stairs, Miss Bennet. None of my guests will know that you are in the house. My staff will be very discreet, I assure you,” he said, as he slipped his hand under her thighs and eased her gently up to rest against his chest. Once this had been accomplished and the pain it had caused had subsided, he brought his other arm around her back and under her arm to hold her fast. She winced with the slightest change of position, but with his body supporting her injured side, the pain was less than she had anticipated.
Charles Bingley cleared the way before them, opening doors and hushing servants who stood aghast to see their master carrying a woman in such a state into his home. Darcy glared at the scullery maids who gaped at him, and hissed out, “Not a word; do you hear? Not to anyone! Get Mrs. Peterson’s attention as discreetly as you can and tell her make up my mother’s old sewing room with a good firm bed. Then send James to fetch Dr. Stevens and impress on everyone the importance of keeping this situation quiet. Now Margaret, you and Sadie come with me and see to Miss Bennet’s comfort until her bed is ready. And Mrs. Hodges, please send some tea and broth to my mother’s bedchamber.”
They all stood transfixed for a moment, staring at the poor, trembling creature whose face was hidden in the hollow of their master’s shoulder. “Go!” he hissed again, and everyone scurried off to do as they were told. He took the stairs at a measured pace, trying to keep her from being jostled about, all the while reassuring her in gentle tones that all would be well.
Anne Darcy’s bedchamber was as she had left it, and although it was thoroughly cleaned each week, it had not been used in many years. From the time that Darcy had moved into his father’s bedroom, some two years after the old gentleman’s death, he would sometimes open the adjoining door and stand staring at the magnificently appointed room that would one day be occupied by his bride. But since his failure to locate Wickham in time to be of help to Elizabeth’s family, he could not get himself to do so. Now he was carrying her, hurt and humbled at the hands of another man, to his mother’s bed. Elizabeth may never understand the significance of this gesture, but it gave him an odd sort of satisfaction to know that she would lie in it – if only for an hour.
As they approached the bed Elizabeth peeked from the folds of his coat and cried out with what little strength she possessed, “Oh no, Mr. Darcy, I am wet! Don’t put me down on that beautiful bed!”
Margaret smiled at the young woman who, despite her obvious discomfort, could concern herself with such matters. She spread out a thick old blanket over the crewel coverlet and said, “You needn’t worry, my dear. You won’t soak through this old thing! And even if you do, there’ll be no harm done. It can always be laundered.” She fluffed up a pillow and motioned for her master to lay the lady down.
As she sank into the bed, instead of the relief she was so hoping for, Elizabeth felt her pain intensify, and she stiffened, pressing her lips together tightly so as not to cry out. Darcy bent over her, beside himself with worry, trying to soothe her. Margaret could only look on in astonishment.
“We must find a more tolerable position for her, Mr. Darcy, so if you would allow us to attend her, we shall do our best to find it. I have sent Sadie to fetch a dressing gown of Miss Darcy’s, so . . . if you would excuse us, Sir.”
It was as if he had not heard her words, for his eyes were fixed on Elizabeth’s anguished face, her pain reflected in his own.
“Mr. Darcy, Sir, if you would let us get Miss Bennet ready for the doctor’s examination,” repeated Margaret gently. She had never seen her master in such a state over anyone other than his sister, and once he left the room she looked in wonder at the young woman who had obviously captured his heart.
They rolled her gently onto her right side in order to unfasten the buttons of her gown, but when they tried to remove it, it was clear that the process would prove far too painful. Margaret sent Sadie for a pair of scissors.
Upon hearing this, Elizabeth became greatly agitated. “No, please – you don’t understand! I have no other! What will I wear when I leave here? You mustn’t cut it, PLEASE!” she cried.
“Now, now, don’t you fret, Miss Bennet. You won’t be going anywhere for quite some time, I’m afraid, and we can have another made up while you ‘re on the mend. Don’t concern yourself about the frock, Miss Bennet; it can easily be replaced. It is your health and comfort that we must think about now.”
Elizabeth could not argue and lay quietly as they cut the gown from her body. They then rolled and shifted her off it and into the soft silk dressing gown whose convenient front closure made it easier to get on. Margaret had been quick to observe that Elizabeth had found some relief when resting on her right side, and positioned her thus, tucking a folded pillow under her lower back for support and covering her with the goose-down quilt that had been hung to warm in front of the fire. Elizabeth shivered with the contrast in temperatures. The quilt felt wonderful against her skin, but its warmth would not penetrate her body. She doubted she would ever feel warm again.
A great fuss was made about Dr. Stevens having been pulled away from his own family gathering to attend Mr. Darcy, who had suddenly come down with a stomach ailment so severe, it prevented him from rejoining his guests. Georgiana was especially concerned by the news and wished to see her brother, but Charles Bingley insisted that Darcy was in no condition to see anyone and had begged for privacy. The best thing she could do for him was to take on the responsibility of hosting their guests on her own.
On the floor above, Darcy paced outside the closed door, listening to Elizabeth’s stifled cries as Dr. Stevens examined her and thought he’d go mad with the sound of her suffering! What on earth could be taking Stevens so long?
Dr. Stevens soon emerged from the bedchamber, drying his hands on a clean cloth, his expression grave. On seeing the tortured look in Darcy’s eyes, however, he offered a sympathetic smile. He had seen this young man through every childhood disease imaginable, set his broken limps, nursed him through an especially bad bout of influenza and was largely responsible for pulling him out of his melancholy after the death of his father. So to Dr. Samuel Stevens, this imposing young man of rank and influence would always simply be “young Will Darcy”, a most beloved patient and special friend. It was clear that Will was as much in need of his services as the poor young woman he had just attended.
“I’m afraid the young lady is in for a difficult time, Mr. Darcy. She has two broken ribs that will cause her a great deal of discomfort over he next few days. I will send you some Laudanum, but you must administer it sparingly.”
“I understand,” said Darcy, his intensely penetrating look an obvious plea for more information.
“She is badly bruised and suffers from exposure to the cold, but all those afflictions should heal rather quickly. I am more concerned with her mental state after such an experience. She fought him off valiantly, but it is not something she will easily forget. You will have to be patient.’
“So she wasn’t . . .. that is, he did not succeed in . . .” stammered Darcy, knowing it was unconscionable for him even to approach Stevens with such a question.
Stevens observed his young friend with a mixture of curiosity and compassion. As a rule, he would not speak of such matters to anyone other than the patient herself or her parents, but as the news was positive, it could not hurt to alleviate Darcy’s mind. He obviously cared a great deal for the young lady.
“No, she has not been violated – but the severity of her injuries attest to how determined he was to do so. Allow her to eat at her own discretion for the next few days – don’t force her, but do be sure that she consumes a fair amount of liquid – that is crucial to her recovery. I have bound her ribcage tightly and will return to check on her tomorrow.”
Darcy did what he could to conceal his relief on hearing this news. Once again, thoughts of his own selfishness shamed him, but he knew that Elizabeth’s recovery largely depended on how she viewed her own response to the assault. She had, after all, successfully fended off her attacker and it had always been clear that Elizabeth took pride in her ability to stand up for herself. Although he doubted that she had ever dreamt of having to defend herself physically, her painfully won victory would be of great importance to her emotional well-being! He said a prayer of thanks for her strength and courage, but in truth, that violated or not, she was all he wanted. He would not allow even that to stand in the way of his offering to her again if he thought she would have him. But he was dreaming, of course! Nothing had changed except that, at the moment, Elizabeth was vulnerable and he had been blessed with the ability to help her.
Darcy took hold of the doctor’s hand and shook it vigorously. “Thank you, Sir! But I have yet another request to make of you. Miss Bennet wishes her presence here to be kept secret for as long as possible. Can I beg your cooperation in this ruse?”
“You must have great confidence in the discretion of your staff,” laughed Stevens, “but if you think that you can pull it off, you certainly have nothing to fear from me - my lips are sealed. I only came here to attend you, after all. I was told you couldn’t hold down food or drink.”
“Precisely,” said Darcy smiling. “And I shall play that card for as long as I can. Now, if you could advise me on how best to move Miss Bennet to another room with the least amount of discomfort, I shall let you get back to your own family.”
“Must you move her?” asked Stevens.
“My guests will soon figure out that someone other than myself is in that room if she remains there. I must move her to a part of the house where the servants can move about freely and where Miss Bennet need not be concerned about being heard. I placed her in my mother’s bed only until the proper room could be set up for her comfort.”
“I see,” replied Stevens. “Well, find a narrow board, just wide enough for her person, and wrap it with bunting or old blankets – anything to make it comfortable. Roll her onto it and then wrap her snugly onto the board itself. You must use enough sheeting to wrap around at least twice and then secure it underneath the board. That way, there won’t be a possibility of her sliding off. Just do everything slowly and carefully, and she should be fine.
“I can’t thank you enough, Stevens, for your help and understanding. Merry Christmas Sir.
Darcy insisted on bearing the foot of the board himself, not trusting anyone with her safety on the steep and narrow steps. He roared at the footman carrying the front end to maneuver the turns more slowly, and everyone, especially Elizabeth, was relieved when the ordeal was over.
Mrs. Peterson had outdone herself with the transformation of the little sewing room. She had placed two charming night tables on either side of the bed, adorning one with a flowers and the other with a tray and candelabra. The windows had been covered with heavy velvet curtains to keep out the cold, while a fire blazed happily in the hearth. Evidently, it had been impressed upon the housekeeper that this young woman was no ordinary acquaintance of Mr. Darcy’s. Indeed it was fortunate that the master of the house was completely absorbed with the care and comfort of the young lady or he might have noticed his servants’ struggle to conceal their interest in his attentiveness to her.
As soon as she was settled he was by her side again, assuring her that the intensity of her pain would soon be alleviated and that she would be able to rest. She moaned softly, unable to fathom how he could perform such a miracle – even with the best of intentions. The gentle tone of his voice was soothing, however, especially when it was accompanied by the touch of his hand. How could he know that his compassionate care was at once, so painfully humiliating and yet so consoling?
The move had exhausted her even further, but the necessity to regulate her breathing kept her ever alert. She still shivered with cold and trembled uncontrollably as waves of throbbing pain rolled over her. Darcy held a compress to her brow, smoothed the wayward curls from her face, and allowing instinct to overtake reason, kissed the fingers of her hand, murmuring, “ Hold on, Elizabeth. It will soon be better.”
She first became aware of a commotion at the door and then the withdrawal of his hand, but he returned a moment later with what looked like a small glass of liquor. She heard Margaret offer to administer the medication and Darcy’s refusal of her help, insisting that it was a tricky business that he wanted to see to himself. He now bent over her, slipped his hand under her cheek and gently raised her head off the pillow.
“We mustn’t waste a drop, Miss Bennet. Take a little at a time, and if you need to rest, just let me know. You must take it all, however; it is a precisely measured dose. Now come . . .”
He brought the glass to her lips, but they were so swollen that she had difficulty closing them properly over the rim. A few drops of the precious liquid escaped from the corner of her mouth and he caught them on his finger, urging her to lick them off. For a brief moment her eyes widened at his suggestion, but she then did as he directed, giving herself over completely to his care. Almost instantly, her pain began to subside and her eyes cleared somewhat. She let out a heavy sigh, sinking her tender and aching muscles deeper into the bedding. She gazed up at him with grateful adoration – or was it something more? He had seen that look once before. Could it be that those tender feelings had survived her sister’s disgrace – or was it the relief the opium had provided that he now saw shining in her eyes?
“There . . . I can see it has started to take affect,” he murmured softly. “I am glad. You will now be able to get some rest. But before you fall asleep, Miss Bennet, you must tell me what you would like me to say in the express that I send to your parents. I shall have it written and on it’s way within the hour.”
“Oh no!” she cried. “They mustn’t find out – not ever! No one must ever learn of this. Please Mr. Darcy, promise me that you will help me keep this secret!”
“Miss Bennet, how can such a horrific crime be kept secret? Surely your father will want to see this scoundrel apprehended and punished. Or if you do not wish your father exposed to the villain, simply tell me who he is and I shall see to it! He cannot be allowed to go unpunished!”
“I want nothing more than to put this awful day behind me, Mr. Darcy. Confronting him will change nothing – and indeed, may hurt others. I beg you to let it rest. It is done and no good will come of seeking retribution,” she said sadly.
Darcy was shocked by Elizabeth’s words, but knew that her emotional wounds to be as raw as the cuts and welts on her face. She was obviously confused and frightened, and as Stevens had said, he would have to be patient. This discussion could be postponed for another day, but her parents had to be notified. He decided to take another approach.
“Did you not tell Mr. Bingley that your family expects you home for Christmas, Miss Bennet? They will be sick with worry when you do not step off that coach later today. I doubt my man will be able to overtake that carriage now, but at least he will be able get word to them before midnight.”
“Mr. Darcy,” she pleaded, tightening her grip on the fingers that had been caressing her hand, “I know you mean well, but please believe that I have good reason to keep this from them. My father’s heart has weakened since my sister’s disgrace, and I doubt he would survive the anguish such news would bring.” She turned away, ashamed of what she now felt obliged to say. “With four of us still at home and the estate entailed away, his death would mean . . .” She closed her eyes and bit her lower lip. “Forgive me,” she murmured, “I do not say this to arouse your pity, but only to persuade you to respect my wishes. I will write to them myself and tell them of my change in plans. “
“How can you possibly write yourself, Miss Bennet?” Darcy interrupted. “You can barely hold onto my hand, no less a quill.”
“With help I think I can manage a short note – and that is all it need be. If you would be so kind as to provide me with a writing surface that can be placed on the bed, I shall pen it immediately. Please Mr. Darcy, trust me to know what is best to be done.”
He was not pleased with this need for secrecy. More particularly, he wanted to get his hands on this piece of filth himself! Troubled by Elizabeth’s demands, but not wishing to upset her, Darcy nodded and rang for the materials to be brought post haste.
As Elizabeth lay on her right side, and was right handed, the paper had to be propped up in a particular way in order for her to be able to reach it. Darcy filled her pen and supported the wooden board on which she wrote, but never the less, the concentration it took made her hand tremble and she would stop after every few words to regain control. Darcy hoped that her letter would reveal something that would enable him find the villain himself, but she wrote in such vague terms that he learned nothing useful. It angered him. He could well understand her wanting to protect her father’s health, but why keep the man’s identity from him? Why would she protect such a man?
“And you will use a plain seal, Mr. Darcy? I’m afraid my family will be wondering at the fine paper, as it is,” she said, eyeing him with trepidation. “I thank you, Sir, for your kind understanding. I know you are displeased with my demands for secrecy and I am sorry for your frustration, but . . .”
“What I don’t understand is why you would want to protect him?” he interrupted. “And why you will not trust me to deal with this discretely.”
“It is not him that I am protecting, Mr. Darcy.”
“Then why won’t you tell me his name? You must know that there are ways that I can get to him without anyone finding out.”
“First, I do not want him “gotten to” and more importantly, I will not take the risk, Mr. Darcy. Besides, one good turn deserves another, Sir, and as you are being so protective me, I must do the same for you.”
“Protect me? Whatever from, Miss Bennet?”
“Your own anger, Mr. Darcy,” she whispered, and closing her eyes, pretended to have fallen asleep. He stood staring at her in stunned silence for several minutes before giving her hand a gentle squeeze and leaving her to rest.
Chapter 3
Posted on Friday, 7 January 2005
Dinner was a somewhat subdued affair owing to the absence of the master of the house, but Georgiana had to admit that everyone, especially her immediate family, did everything in their power to lighten her burden. Richard initiated lighthearted conversation throughout the meal and saw to it that everyone felt included. Her aunt and uncle gave her genuine compliments on everything from the table settings to the choice of wine without a hint of condescension. And when the gentlemen proposed to retire to the billiards room, Aunt Matlock, gave her a much-appreciated excuse for some time alone.
“You need not feel it your duty entertain us this afternoon, my dear. You must have a great many things to do before the party tonight. And I would also urge you to make time for a nap before the festivities begin – it will be a very lively but taxing evening to be sure. I intend to have a little sleep myself. Now go on and don’t concern yourself with us – we feel very much at home here.”
Georgiana kissed her aunt and thanked her for being so understanding. Yes, she did have some last minute details to attend to, but her first order of business would be to check on her brother. Although she was genuinely concerned about him, her motives for seeking him out were not purely selfless. The thought of hosting tonight’s gala on her own terrified her. Was he really so ill that he would have to miss the ball entirely? She knew it was unreasonable to be upset with him – he couldn’t help being ill and certainly wasn’t doing it to spite her – yet part of her could not help resent his leaving her to cope with such an affair on her own. She hastened up the stairs and anxiously knocked on his door.
“Ah, Miss Darcy,” said Lawrence answering the door, “How may I help you?”
“I’ve come to see my brother,” she said impatiently. “Is he feeling any better?”
“I’m afraid he is indisposed at the moment, Miss Darcy, but he did have me leave a note for you with your maid.”
“Then why did she not bring it to me?”
I believe Mr. Darcy wanted you to read it in private, Miss.”
“Oh, I see,” said Georgiana. “ I shall look for her straight away then.”
She nodded to Lawrence and hurried off in search of her maid, but no sooner had she entered her bedchamber, then she saw the note on her pillow. She snatched it up, read it and without a second’s hesitation, went flying out the door again. Once in the hallway, she slowed her pace, remembering decorum and Fitzwilliam’s words:
“ Take the service stairs and let no one see where you are going . .”
“What could possibly have happened to require all this secrecy?” she thought as hurried up the narrow stairs. To her surprise, Fitzwilliam was already there, waiting for her on the landing. His face was pale, exhaustion etching deep lines about his mouth and brow. His eyes were deep dark wells that reflected a sadness she could not understand. Pangs of guilt flooded her heart. He looked truly awful! But why then, was he not in bed?!!!
“Fitzwilliam,” she said with alarm, “whatever are you doing on these cold stairs? You must get to bed immediately!”
“No, my sweetness, listen,” he said quickly. “I am not at all ill, but have pretended to be so in order to care for someone who is. Forgive me for deceiving you, Georgiana, but there was nothing else to be done at the time.”
Georgiana stared at him in utter bewilderment, but he would not allow her to remain so for long. Taking both her hands in his, he said softly, “How I wish I could shield you from such ugliness, Georgie, but when it is literally cast on our doorstep and concerns someone we know and love, there is nothing to be done but deal with it as bravely as we can.” He paused to gaze at her with overwhelming tenderness and then said, “It hurts me to tell you that Charles found Elizabeth Bennet in the street this morning. She had been attacked, and was badly hurt, Georgie.” A gasp escaped Georgiana’s lips, but he pressed on. “He wisely brought her to us and we have been nursing her for the past few hours. I have just moved her into mother’s sewing room so that no one will hear the goings on from the other side of the house, and I need your help in caring for her and keeping her presence here a secret.”
“Oh Fitzwilliam! Elizabeth? But why! Why would anyone want to hurt her? I don’t understand? Elizabeth is the kindest, sweetest person one could wish to know!“ she cried, dissolving into tears and leaning into her brother’s chest for comfort. “Of course I wish to help her! How frightened she must have been! Can I see her? Will you take me to her now?”
“Yes, that is precisely why I wanted to meet you here. She is asleep at the moment and I think it best for you to get your first glimpse of her without her being aware of it. She is badly bruised and swollen, Georgie, and you will no doubt be shocked when you first see her. But you must never let her see your distress. Stevens tells me she has two broken ribs and will be in considerable pain for the next few days. I have given her some Laudanum, which is, for the moment, allowing her to rest. Given the number of our guests and the holiday festivities, we will not be able to be with her as much as I would like, but I never want her to feel that we have abandoned her to the care of the servants. That is why I need your discrete assistance, Sweetness. First, we must work together to prevent anyone from suspecting that anything is amiss, especially Richard, and then one of us can sneak up here to spend time with her, while the other makes sure that no one accidentally gets wind of it. I intend to use my supposed illness as an excuse to get away whenever I can.”
“Will you attend the party tonight, Fitzwilliam?”
“Of course I will. We would be the talk of London if I did not, and everyone would think I am on death’s door. No, I shall be there, but I shall excuse myself now and then. Now come, let me take you to her. We must be careful not wake her, Georgie, for every second of sleep is a blessing, given her condition.”
Clasping her hand in his, he led the way, opening the door most gingerly so as not to make a sound. Margaret rose from her chair as they entered and Darcy motioned her to sit, placing his index finger on his lips as a sign that he had no intention of waking their patient. Elizabeth’s dark curls spilled over her pillow and back, and from where they stood she appeared to be the picture of serenity. But as they made their way around the foot of bed and her face came into view, Georgiana stiffened and brought her hand up to cover her mouth, tears welling in her eyes. She looked to her brother questioningly. There was no answer that could be given or that would make any sense.
They stood holding one another, staring at the extraordinary young woman they had once hoped would become an important part of their lives – and then lost. Now she was with them again, but for the most tragic of reasons and not by her own design. “Never the less, fate has brought us together again,” thought Darcy, “and by G-d, I shall make the most of it! Perhaps I have been given yet another chance.”
The buzz among the ladies and gentlemen of the ton had been that Fitzwilliam Darcy was getting tired of his bachelorhood and that his Christmas extravaganza would more than likely culminate in his choosing a wife. So it was not with little anticipation that the elegant and eligible young ladies of that society prepared for his ball. They arrived on the arms of their fathers, magnificently coiffed and dressed, ready to do battle for the honor of becoming the Mistress of Pemberley. They were prepared to compete on all fronts – beauty, wit, manners and feminine allure. Little did they know the contest had already been decided.
Brother and sister stood side by side on the receiving line, doing their best to appear genuinely attentive to their guests. Introductions were made and courtesies performed, witty remarks chucked at, and serious ones attended to with appropriate earnestness. They were the perfect host and hostess, yet all the while their thoughts were with Elizabeth.
Darcy had hired the finest musicians in London to set the tone for the evening. His own staff, with the aid of five extra cooks and a renowned pastry chef, had meticulously prepared the beautiful food, and Georgiana herself designed and executed the rich holiday decorations that graced the ballroom. Everything sparkled and shone as befitted the season.
Host and hostess walked out onto the dance floor to open the ball, inviting their guests to join them, but Darcy knew it behooved him to dance with as many young ladies as possible during the course of the evening. He had actually made up a schedule of partners so as not to offend anyone. It was going to be a long night and one he had little patience for.
Although she was not one of the young ladies under consideration, Darcy requested the hand of Caroline Bingley for the second dance, just to get that obligation out of the way. Miss Bingley, however, mistook his gesture to mean she was first in his heart and purred and gloated throughout the entire set. Disgusted, Darcy left her side as quickly as possible and without a word when the dance was over, turning to request the next with Miss Eugenia Marshall.
Miss Marshall was indeed a charming young woman. Her beauty and her quiet, modest ways had won her a place on Darcy’s list of ladies that he could “possibly tolerate”. Seeing her sweet smile, he felt nothing but pity for her. She barely knew him, yet he had no doubt that she would readily accept his hand if he offered it. She deserved better!
To her credit, Miss Marshall attempted to draw Darcy into conversation throughout the dance, but he could do little more than offer the briefest of responses. Not that he was uncivil; he simply could not focus on the subject at hand. How could he dance and pretend to be carefree when just two flights up and down the hall, Elizabeth lay suffering? He knew that the last dose of Laudanum must have worn off by now, but it was too soon to give her more. Stevens had been very clear. He could do more harm than good if he gave her too much. How would he bear the strain of this pretense until the wee hours of the morning? Bingley gave him an encouraging smile as they passed each other in the set. “This must be difficult for Charles, as well,” thought Darcy. “Besides his genuine fondness for Elizabeth, his heart must once again be aching with memories of her sister. He knew only too well how Charles still pined for Jane Bennet.
The dance came to an end and Darcy escorted Miss Marshall from the floor. “Forgive me, Miss Marshall. I’m afraid I’ve not been the most attentive of partners. I am not at my best today,” he offered, and bowing hastily, left her side.
He needed something strong, but staying true to the ruse, opted for a cup of peppermint tea. Sipping it slowly, he watched Richard move gracefully about with Georgiana. If he ever found out the identity of that nasty piece of work he might need his cousin’s assistance. He smiled at the thought of how well Elizabeth knew him. She had been right, of course; his rage made him unpredictable at best, if not downright explosive. Yes, he might not be capable of restraining himself once he came face to face with this evil, and Richard’s presence would be useful at such a time. If only he could get her to reveal his name!
He looked nervously at his watch. . . . another hour before he could give her the next dose. Yet this was precisely when he should be with her – when she felt the worst and needed him most. But an hour was too long to be away from his guests. He had his duties to perform. He could not disappoint the ladies! Putting down his cup, he re-entered the fray.
The progressions of the dance were so ingrained that they allowed him the freedom to think. Had not Elizabeth’s sudden appearance saved him from himself? What had he been thinking? How calculatingly cruel to offer marriage to a woman you did not love, and had no intention of loving! Not that any of these fawning young lovelies would think it anything but wonderful to be asked!
Indeed, they had no true affection for him either. Oh, some might think him handsome and amiable, but love was not even a consideration. For if it was, how could they be so eager for his offer when they knew him so little? No, they would undoubtedly be thrilled to become a part of his world. And how could he fault them! None of their motives could be any more perverse than his own.
He had thought it out very carefully – once he had accepted the fact that Elizabeth would never be his. If a man were to marry for convenience, what sort of woman would he choose? First, she would have to be – he cringed at the thought – tolerable enough to tempt him into bed. That being said, an easygoing disposition would be the next prerequisite. After all, she would have to accept his moods and allow him his privacy. That perhaps would not be so difficult to find in a woman brought up in their exalted society! Most women took it for granted that once married, they would live with, but live a life apart, from their husbands. Their interests and conflicting priorities would often lead them in different directions. The important thing being to put on a good show – even in front of the servants, and especially in front of the children. Jealousy had no place in such a marriage. What if he murmured Elizabeth’s name in his sleep, or heaven forbid, during marital relations? This wife would have to be content with what little he could give her.
Seeing it more clearly now, Darcy knew it was not the way he wished to live his life – even if it meant his living it alone. How could he face Georgiana or even his parents’ portrait when he passed it in the hall? If he could not follow their loving example, then at least he would not shame their blessed memory. Having come to this realization, he wanted nothing more than to stop the music and send everyone home!!! Instead he asked Miss Sheffield to dance.
“Come in, Sir,” came the response to his gentle, yet impatient knock. He had heard Elizabeth’s soft moans from the hallway and came in to find Margaret sitting by her side, dabbing the perspiration from her brow.
“Has it gotten too warm in here for her,” he asked as he measured out the Laudanum and brought it to her bedside.
“No, Mr. Darcy. I think it is just the strain of dealing with the pain that is causing her to perspire. She is still plagued with chills, Sir.” Margaret moved away from the bed, allowing him to come close. She knew enough not to offer her assistance again in administering the medication. This seemed to be his personal time with her. Respectfully, she turned her back and busied herself with something on the other side of the room.
“Elizabeth,” he whispered, “I have your medication here. Can you open your eyes?”
She had found it easier to focus on her breathing without the distraction of light and movement, and had therefore shut her eyes to the world. But the sound of his voice and the anticipation of some relief were the greatest of incentives for her to open them again.
“Mr. Darcy,” she whispered, a hint of a smile forming about her lips. “Have you come to perform your magic?”
His solemn expression turned into a grin. “Yes, it is I, Lancelot, come with Merlin’s magic potion,” he quipped. “Now come and take it quickly before it loses its power.”
He lifted her head from the pillow and helped her to drink it.
“Have I spilled any,” she asked, looking up at him sheepishly.
He laughed to himself, so happy to comply with his lady’s subtle request.
“No, actually, but there are a few drops clinging to the bottom of the glass,” he said, sweeping his index finger around the inside and bringing it to her lips. Blushing profusely, she licked the last of the opium from his finger, her eyes lovingly focused on his. He allowed his fingers to hover over her mouth for a moment before brushing them, ever so lightly over her torn lower lip. “I’ll have cook make up a soothing balm for your lips in the morning,” he murmured, that intensely solemn expression returning to his face. He was about to withdraw his hand when Elizabeth clasped her fingers around his and drew them to her lips for a kiss.
“Thank you, Mr. Darcy – thank you for everything,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m so grateful to you for all your kindness!”
Until that moment he had been elated, but the word “grateful” sobered him. “There is no need for you to thank me, Miss Bennet,” he said, straightening abruptly. “I think it best if I leave you to rest.”
His lips set in a straight line, he bowed and left the room, leaving her in anguish of what she had done to offend him.
When he got to the stairwell and the door had closed behind him, he leaned against the wall and roughly ran his fingers through hair. “Gratitude is not what I want from you, Elizabeth!” he spat out. “Do you feel nothing more?”
“What would you have her say then?” came a little voice from inside his head. Of course she is grateful! In her desperate state, how could she not be!”
It was true! What had he expected? She had, in truth, given him more reasons to be hopeful than he deserved. Had she not held back his hand and kissed his fingers before thanking him? Had she not gazed into his eyes most adoringly! Yes, that was how it had felt to him, but, of course, with Elizabeth, he never knew if he was seeing things as they really were. He could only go by his most basic instincts - which from the first, had proven to be perfectly useless! He would have to be more patient with her and himself, but most importantly, he would have to stop behaving like a child! How confused and distraught she must be by his sudden and rude departure! He ached to go back and make it right, but knew that if he stepped back inside her room, he would not be able to leave it. Duty called and he urged his legs down the steps and toward his waiting partners.
It was just past two when he toed off his dancing pumps outside her door and silently entered the room. Sadie was asleep on a small cot that had been placed on the opposite wall, and did not stir, even as he approached Elizabeth’s bed. He lowered himself onto the small stool beside her and waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Gradually, he could make out the curve of her cheek and the outline of her beautiful hands. One was cradled inside the other, drawn up close to her cheek as she murmured restlessly in her sleep. He sat and watched her for a full half-hour before daring to speak.
Slipping his fingers into the hollow of her upturned palm, he said in a barely audible whisper, “Elizabeth, can you forgive me? I can well understand your feelings of gratitude, though G-d knows I do not desire them. How can I make you see that it is not kindness that motivates my care of you, but love? Can you not feel how much I love you?”
Elizabeth sifted slightly, bringing her free hand up to clasp his wrist. Slowly and gradually she drew his arm closer to her bosom as a child would hug a favorite doll to her chest. Resting her lips against his fingers, she sighed contentedly, and settled deeper into sleep. Darcy twisted his body about to accommodate the position. He certainly wasn’t comfortable, but would not deprive either of them of this much longed for intimacy.
Chapter 4
Posted on Thursday, 13 January 2005
“I feel responsible, Edward,” whispered Madeline Gardiner to her husband as they settled into bed. “It was I who insisted that we take an earlier post. We should have waited for Lizzy and traveled as a family; the children would have managed.”
“Let us not jump to any hasty conclusions, my dear. As Fannie said, she probably missed the post and is safely tucked away at an inn for the night with her new friend. She will arrive tomorrow with all sorts of stories to tell.”
“I pray that you are right! Though how she will find a way to travel on Christmas day, I can’t imagine!” said Mrs. Gardiner, nervously twisting the bedcovers.
The house had finally grown quiet and in her anxious state, Mrs. Gardiner was the first to hear the hoof beats pounding towards the house. The others must have been awake as well, for the express rider had to knock but once before Mrs. Hill opened the door and the entire family was downstairs.
“You read it, Jane,” said Mr. Bennet, “I’ve left my spectacles upstairs.”
Jane’s trembling hand broke the seal and unfolded the letter. Her face registered her confusion as she observed the brevity of the missive. She read quickly.
Dear Family,There has been a change of plans and I will not be able to join you for Christmas. I will miss you terribly but am very eager for this new traveling opportunity. Perhaps I shall be able to come home in January. Forgive the length of this note, but I must hurry.
Yours with love, Elizabeth
“Well, that is a relief!” sighed Madeline Gardiner. “I was so worried!”
“As was I,” said Mr. Bennet, eyeing his eldest daughter’s perturbed expression. “What is it, Jane? Is something amiss?”
“Oh, no, Papa. I am just disappointed, that is all. I was so looking forward to having Lizzy home for a while. But I suppose I should be happy for her. She has always loved to travel. I only wish she could have told us where the family was going.”
“Well, I’m sure she will write us a more newsy letter when she can,” said her father. “Now that we know her to be safe, we can all finally get some sleep. Goodnight, everyone.”
“Goodnight, Papa. Goodnight everyone,” said Jane, folding up the letter and clutching it to her heart. Once in her bedroom, she placed it on her nightstand and climbed into bed. She read, and reread the letter again and again. Something was not right! Yes, it was undoubtedly in Elizabeth’s hand, but it had been written very ill – as though her hand was unsteady. What is more, it was unlike Elizabeth to be so vague. Why had she not specified where the family was to holiday? All together, it made her very uneasy.
Do not frighten everyone with your anxious thoughts, foolish girl! If Papa is right and we receive another letter from her in a day and two, you will have upset the entire household for nothing. No, wait for Lizzy’s next letter – and pray it comes soon! .
Elizabeth woke just before dawn to the sight of Mr. Darcy’s stubbly cheek just inches from her own. Frantically, her eyes darted about the room to see if they were indeed alone! A maid was asleep on a cot opposite her, and Darcy, she observed, was not in her bed after all, but doubled over on a stool beside her. It was only when she drew her hand up to touch her bruised cheek that she realized she had been clutching his forearm to her chest. Had she really retrained him thus all night? Had he stayed with her in such obvious discomfort out of tender affection? She searched her memory, but could not recollect his returning to her room. She vaguely remembered something – not an occurrence really, but rather a feeling – a feeling of well-being and calm that she could not explain. No, every part of her body still ached, but she was no longer frightened, or even humiliated by Mr. Darcy’s presence. No, his gentle care reassured her that Strickland was an aberration – that there were men in the world that were sensitive and kind!
He must still have feelings for me! she thought, as she tried to match the rhythm of her breathing to his own. But if my family’s situation was objectionable before Lydia’s disgrace, how much more so now? I know he is far too generous a man to trifle with my feelings, but I will guard my heart and restrain my hopes, never the less! Pity and compassion can often be mistaken for love!
Working up the courage to wake him, she whispered, “Mr. Darcy.”
“Elizabeth,” he murmured, edging in closer, his forehead falling heavily against her shoulder. The weight of him shook her entire body and she felt it painfully in her ribs. She stifled her gasp as best she could, but it woke him instantly.
“Oh, Dear G-d, what have I done? Have I hurt you? I’m so sorry. I . . .”
“It’s all right…….,” whispered Elizabeth. “No damage done, Mr. Darcy. But I think it would be best if you got some rest in your own bed. You must be exhausted from sitting up all night with me. And I think we have given the servants enough to talk about.”
“Yes, of course, you’re quite right; I should go. I hope you didn’t mind my staying with you, Miss Bennet. I thought you might need something,” he stammered, feeling more and more foolish with every word he uttered.
“I was very touched by your kind attention,” she said softly, looking shyly away. “I found it very reassuring to have you so near. I am only sorry for your discomfort. You must be feeling awfully stiff and cramped.”
“Not at all,” he lied. “Do you need something before I go? Are you in much pain?”
“No, no. It is still tolerable. When am I next due for your magic potion?”
“In two or three hours I suppose, depending on your discomfort. I shall get ready for church and stop by before I leave to give it to you. If you need it before hand, just have Sadie notify my man.” He reluctantly let go of her hand and stood awkwardly before her, partly from embarrassment and partly because of the stiffness in his back. He gave her a shy smile, bowed and departed.
Margaret had refreshed Elizabeth with steaming cloths and the lavender scented soap that Mr. Darcy had sent up for her, and was just working a pink ribbon into the thick braid that fell over her left shoulder when Georgiana’s gentle knock was heard upon the door. On being welcomed in by her own servant, she timidly asked if Elizabeth was up for a short visit.
“I believe so, Miss. But why don’t you ask her yourself. She is not asleep.”
Georgiana walked hesitantly around the bed and came face to face with Elizabeth for the first time. Her warm smile was greeted with a look of distress.
“Oh, I am sorry. Is this a bad time? Are you terribly uncomfortable? Shall I fetch my brother?” The questions flew from her mouth in quick succession.
“No, no, Miss Darcy, forgive me! You are most welcome and the pain is not so bad just now. It is just that I had hoped that no one else would learn of my being here.”
Georgiana smiled and placed the brightly wrapped gift she had brought on bedside table. Summoning up her courage, she took hold of Elizabeth’s hand. “It would have been impossible for my brother to keep your presence here a secret from me. I know him too well, and in his present state I would have immediately guessed that something was wrong. Besides, I want so much to make your stay with us more pleasant. I mean,” she said anxiously, casting her eyes towards her lap, “ I know there is nothing pleasant about this, and I hope you do not think that I was making light of it, but. . . I was hoping I could distract you by talking with you, or reading to you. I’ve brought you these,” she said, placing the beautiful package on the bed beside her. “It is Christmas, after all,” she said softly.
Elizabeth was genuinely moved. Georgiana’s heartfelt desire to comfort and help her could not be denied or ignored. Her gentle sweetness made her miss Jane all the more.
“My first Christmas present,” exclaimed Elizabeth. “Now don’t tell me you knew I’d be dropped on your doorstep on Christmas Eve,” she teased, disguising her emotions with humor. “I am deeply touched by your genuine concern for me, Miss Darcy and I must admit to be very glad to see you! I was so looking forward to our second meeting at Pemberley before our holiday was cut short by that awful letter from my sister. I thought we had gotten off to a very good start, you and I?”
“Oh yes, Miss Bennet! I was so distraught when I learned of it – not only because . … Well, for many reasons, obviously, but selfishly for want of your friendship. I have missed you, and have thought about you so often. I didn’t know whether it was appropriate for me to write. I thought you might want your privacy.”
“You are very kind, and I would have loved to have heard from you, but I understand that it was awkward – for both of us. May I open my present now?” she asked with a hint of the old twinkle in her eye. A change of subject was definitely called for!
“Yes of course!” said Georgiana, smiling. “And obviously, I did not purchase these especially for you. But I hope you will enjoy them, never the less.”
Elizabeth untied the elaborate satin ribbon and unwrapped the gift. Her eyes glowed as she read the titles of the books.
“Oh, I haven’t read these, but have heard so much about them. How wonderful! My father thinks it a waste of money to purchase “Lady’s Novels” as he calls them, so I must beg and borrow all over the neighborhood to indulge in my guilty pleasure. Thank you, Miss Darcy. I know I shall enjoy them. ….all the more if we read them together.”
“Yes, that is what I was hoping too. Once we get back from church and have dined, I shall beg a rest and come straight up to you!” said Georgiana excitedly. “Of course it all depends on how you feel at the time. Never hesitate to tell me that you are tired or need your solitude.”
“I shall not, I promise. And thank you, thank you for making me feel so welcome in your home, Miss Darcy. I know it is a great inconvenience – especially with guests in the house.”
“Your company could never be an inconvenience,” said Georgiana, “I only wish you had come for a happier reason.”
As the days passed, Elizabeth became settled in her private little corner of the house and their conspiracy continued undetected. It helped that Dr. Stevens came to see Mr. Darcy every day. The poor patient ate very little of the bland food that Mrs. Hodges prepared for him when he was at the table with his guests, saving his appetite for when he could truly enjoy the meal at Elizabeth’s bedside – always tempting her with another morsel of this or that. His fatigue was genuine, and as the days wore on and he did not seem improve, many of his guests felt it only right to remove the burden of hosting them from his shoulders. His immediate family remained, hoping to be of help to him, but as he seemed most content when left to rest on his own, Richard took it upon himself to plan little outings, purchase theater tickets and so on. There was never a want for entertainment in London – especially at Christmas time.
So it often happened that the house was completely empty, except for the two of them – and the servants, of course. Oddly enough, it was at these times, when they could talk to one another more freely that they felt the most awkward. Each was concerned about what the other was truly feeling, and neither was willing risk any unpleasantness between them. After all, it would still be some time before she was well enough to go home and if things became strained between them, it would be very uncomfortable indeed.
During the day he called her Miss Bennet, but at night she became Elizabeth – during those quiet moments they had both come to cherish. He would take her hand upon coming to her bedside and as long as she held it, he remained by her side. The servants had, at first, found much to snicker and whisper about. But as the days passed and they saw the earnest devotion with which their Master tended the young lady, they came to look upon her with the greatest of admiration and respect. Most had been in the household long enough to know how rarely and with what great difficulty their Master gave his affection. Having all been affected by his somber moods, they were now only too glad to see him happy. He was troubled and anxious on her account of course, but clearly happier than he had been in ages. And they loved him far too well to think him in any way dishonorable! Surely this young woman was to be their new Mistress, and they had begun referring to her as such below stairs.
“Did the Mistress eat any of the breakfast I sent up to her this morning,” Mrs. Hodges would exclaim upon seeing Elizabeth’s tray returned almost as full as it had been sent up. “She’ll never regain her strength if she doesn’t eat!”
“Be careful, Mrs. Hodges!” Perkins would warn, “or one of these days we shall forget ourselves and embarrass the Master!”
Elizabeth’s pain had decreased substantially, and Darcy was carefully weaning her off the Laudanum. And now, five days after her arrival, she was finally able to view her sweet little room from an upright position. Dr. Stevens had shown Darcy and Margaret how to maneuver her into a sitting without putting too much pressure her ribcage or stain on her diaphragm. She finally felt human again! It was the first time she had thought of asking for a hairbrush and mirror.
“Please let me try and brush it on my own,” said Elizabeth, urging Margaret to hand her the mirror. “How odd to take such pleasure in the performance of such a simple task,” she added, as the lady reluctantly gave it to her. She had not yet seen her face, and although the swelling had gone down considerably and her lips were nearly healed, Elizabeth gasped at the sight of her own image.
“Dear G-d, is this what he’s been forced to look at for all these days?”
Margaret smiled. “You are looking more and more like yourself each day – or so the Master says, Miss Bennet.”
“So you’re saying that it was much worse? Oh no!”
“I’m sure the Mr. Darcy will not let you leave before you are fully healed, Miss Bennet, so you needn’t worry about having to face the world before you are ready.”
“No, I suppose not,” she sighed. It is far too late to worry about it now. He has already seen me at my worst!