Previous Section, Section VI, Next Section
Chapter 17
At length the carriage step was lowered and Darcy arrived at Netherfield. Bingley met him at the door to the house.
"Welcome to Netherfield, Darcy. It is good to see you again, my friend."
"Thank you, Bingley. It is good to be here."
Darcy hesitated, uncertain and uncomfortable. "I realize that I am not to mention, at your particular request, my transgressions, but you must allow me to beg once again for your forgiveness and apologize for my conceited interference in your affairs."
Jane had come up behind her husband in time to hear Darcy's speech, though he did not notice her.
"Darcy, please," cried Mr. Bingley, "all has turned out as it should. Please, let us put the subject behind us."
Still unsure of himself, Darcy asked, "How is your wife? Is she..."
Jane chose this moment to make herself known. "I am well, thank you. How was your journey, Mr. Darcy?" she asked.
Jane confessed to herself that she was suspicious of his motive for returning to Netherfield. Surely he must know that her husband would soon forgive him of any wrongdoing. She hoped he had not come back for any other reason.
"It is pleasant to be out of the carriage," replied Darcy. He could not meet her eyes. "The roads were a little rough this trip. Mrs. Bingley, thank you for inviting me back to your home."
"You are welcome, Mr. Darcy."
Bingley ushered them into the drawing room
When they were seated, Jane began, "So, Mr. Darcy, how long do you expect to be with us this visit?"
"At least until Eliz... your sister's wedding." He looked away, feeling the weight of Jane's scrutiny upon him.
"Mrs. Bingley," Darcy continued, "I beg that you will please forgive me for all that I have done to offend you and your family."
This is not at all what Jane expected to hear from Mr. Darcy and she wished to hear his explanation.
"And just what is it that you have done, sir?"
Darcy shifted nervously in his seat. "I have been proud, assuming myself to be better than my fellow man. I have been narrow-minded, believing that my way of living is the correct way for everyone. I have been weak, unwilling to commit to your sister because of the fear of offending parents who are long dead. I have been deceitful and blind, and I have caused hurt and pain to an innocent heart because of my own indecision."
"I do not believe I can truly be forgiven of these crimes, Mrs. Bingley," he said with remorse. "Despite your willingness to invite me here, I must have fallen in your esteem, and how could I not? My friend, Bingley, who relied on me and trusted me, now has cause to doubt both my sincerity and integrity. And what is most painful to me, and which I will always regret, is that I was loved by your sister, and I loved her, yet for all these reasons stated, I rejected that love and went away. And now, I have lost her. She will belong to another man and I will spend the rest of my life regretting her."
"Mr. Darcy, I do honestly forgive you. Charles has loved me despite all my deficiencies..."
Darcy cringed on hearing this.
"...and my sister's heart has healed and she will soon be wed to a generous man who cares for her deeply. I believe that anyone seeing them together would realize what a good match Mr. Grinly is for Elizabeth."
It was impossible for Darcy to respond to that in a manner that would be agreeable to Mrs. Bingley or to himself, so he remained silent.
Jane knew then that it had been a mistake to invite Mr. Darcy to Netherfield. His feelings for Elizabeth were plain and Jane realized his true motivation for coming. She had imagined that when Darcy left Netherfield the last time, he had conquered his feelings for Elizabeth and that he and Mr. Grinly could associate without any danger to her sister. She knew that Elizabeth's love for Mr. Grinly was not what it should be, and was now afraid that any suggestion from Darcy that he held any affection for Elizabeth would endanger her relationship with Mr. Grinly.
Jane sighed. "What have I done now?" she whispered.
The gentlemen did not hear her.
It was a beautiful day to be out of doors and as Elizabeth took great pleasure in sharing her happiness with Jane and in being with Mr. Grinly, she prevailed on him to call again at Netherfield. Constance had joined them, but lingered as far behind them as she could. Though young in the ways of love, she was certain that her father and Elizabeth would have things to say to each other that they would not wish for her to hear, and Constance would do anything she could to promote their happiness. Truly, their happiness was her happiness.
As Elizabeth and Mr. Grinly walked on towards Netherfield, he took the opportunity of their relative seclusion to probe the mind of his beloved. He wanted to understand her and learn what she loved and how he could make her happy.
"Elizabeth, what is it that would make you the happiest woman in the world?" asked Mr. Grinly. He kicked a rock off the pathway in front of him.
"Other than being married to you?" was her quick reply.
Mr. Grinly was all smiles and delight.
"You have no idea how pleased I am to hear you speak thus." His voice was warm and affectionate, and had they been truly alone, he would have responded to that comment the way that it deserved.
"Well, Thomas," she said earnestly, "I have always wanted Jane to be happy. She is my best friend and favored companion... Oh, but do not worry, I believe I shall learn to like you, also," she teased. He laughed with her, then Elizabeth continued. "She sacrificed her own pleasure to be of use to our family, and now that she is married to Mr. Bingley, and is so happy, I do not know for what more I could wish. I know that the rest of my family will be well taken care of now by Mr. Bingley, and I am to be married and happily settled myself, so I am content." answered Elizabeth. "Thomas, just love me. That is all I want."
They walked on in silence for a moment. "But what about you, Thomas?" she asked. "What would make you happy?"
"I am happy, Elizabeth. To have met you, and to be loved by you, brings me more joy than I had imagined I would ever feel. If there is not a smile on my face, there is one in my heart. When I see how close you are with Constance, my joy is full. There is nothing else I for which I could wish." Mr. Grinly paused for a moment, stopped walking and turned to face Elizabeth. He took her hand, which she freely offered. "Well, there is one thing, I believe."
"And what would that be, sir?" petitioned Elizabeth.
"A brother or a sister for Constance."
A blush overspread Elizabeth's cheeks. With an affectionate smile, she said, "I wish for that, too, Thomas."
He offered her his arm and they resumed their walk towards Netherfield.
The housekeeper led Elizabeth, Constance and Mr. Grinly through the wide hall and into the drawing room where they expected to see Mr. and Mrs. Bingley. It was to be a meeting for which none of them were prepared.
Elizabeth had entered Netherfield in good spirits. As Mrs. Grinly, she knew she would be loved and cherished. Her whole future looked bright. She knew she had made the right decision, and because of that, would soon forget about...
"...Mr. Darcy!" cried Elizabeth.
Darcy jumped to his feet. "Miss Bennet!"
A flash of white light passed through Elizabeth's mind as the color faded from her cheeks. Her first instinct was to run away, but her feet would not move. Her eyes locked on his and she could not turn away from him.
Elizabeth raised one hand to cover her open mouth and with the other gripped more firmly onto Mr. Grinly's arm to support herself.
Her breath caught in her throat, as she understood all that Darcy conveyed with his eyes. The love and the raw passion he felt for her were expressed in that look. He did love her! He did want her! She turned her eyes from him, unable to bear it.
Darcy thought he had steeled himself for the time when he would see Elizabeth with Mr. Grinly, but their sudden appearance at Netherfield taught him the futility of that effort. His heart and mind were in a battle. Love and rational thought warred within him. He was assailed with jealousy, anger and hurt. He had a desire to lash out at Elizabeth and demand from her an explanation as to why she would not marry him, until he remembered that it was he who had abandoned her, and that she would have accepted him had he asked her.
Just before Elizabeth turned away, Darcy had recognized and acknowledged the look she had given him. Clearly, Elizabeth did not love Grinly. She had greeted him with such an expression of passion and delight that he knew she still loved him. He ached to touch her and make her a part of him. Her skin, her lips, her delicate hands - all - all were meant for him. Never had he loved her more than at this instant of reunion, and never had his heart been rent as it was when the look of joy faded from her face just before she turned away from him.
Elizabeth released Mr. Grinly's arm, but just as she began to move, she caught sight of Mr. Grinly watching her with a look of astonishment on his face and she recollected herself. Her heart sunk. She was betrothed to Mr. Grinly, not Mr. Darcy. She felt trapped. She was honor bound to Mr. Grinly, but at that moment she realized she could never be his. She turned away, her vision blurred by the tears that were forming in her eyes.
Constance had been looking to Elizabeth, expecting that she would introduce her to Mr. Bingley's friend, when she was stunned by Elizabeth's reaction to the man. It could only mean one thing. It could only be one person.
"It is him!" whispered Constance, her quiet voice cutting through the hushed silence of the room, made so as each occupant suffered feelings of shock and mortification.
Mr. Grinly had been startled by the intensity of Darcy's reaction to Elizabeth. Without a doubt a gentleman should rise when a lady entered a room, but Darcy nearly exploded from his seat. Mr. Grinly was alarmed when Elizabeth released his arm, nearly pushing him away. How was it possible that Constance knew this man?
Jane and Bingley exchanged worried glances. If this meeting were to have taken place, they had hoped to orchestrate it by giving each party advanced knowledge of the other. Now Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy had been thrust into each other's company when neither was prepared. It was obvious that Mr. Grinly had no idea who Mr. Darcy was and what he had once been to Elizabeth. Constance's seeming recognition of Darcy confused Jane, because she was certain they had never met.
Jane was staring at Elizabeth, willing her to look over, but Elizabeth's eyes were for a moment fixed on Mr. Darcy, and then turned away. Jane could see that those eyes were filled not only with pain, but by a love for Darcy that had not waned over time. Regardless of what Elizabeth may have implied before, her heart was not free of him.
Asserting herself as mistress, Jane proceeded with the civilities.
"Mr. Darcy, please allow me to introduce you to our cousin, Mr. Grinly, and his daughter, Constance. The Grinlys reside in Wiltshire, Mr. Darcy, and have been visiting in Hertfordshire since my wedding. Mr. Grinly, Mr. Darcy is my husband's good friend."
In the moment of introduction Darcy was shocked by Mr. Grinly's appearance. He was old, so much older than Elizabeth or himself. How could she be wedding herself to a man nearly twice her age? Darcy knew that it was all because of him. Elizabeth was running from the pain and hurt he had caused her, and Mr. Grinly was the first eligible man she encountered.
Darcy cleared his throat while trying to swallow his heart. "I am pleased to make your acquaintance, sir," he said with a stiff bow. And with a slight nod to his daughter, he added, "and you, also, Miss Grinly."
"I am happy to meet you, Mr. Darcy," said Mr. Grinly. Grinly was certain he was not happy to meet him, but could not say why, other than that Elizabeth had reacted very poorly when she saw him.
Constance honored Mr. Darcy with a low curtsy. Rising up, she reached out and touched Elizabeth's arm.
Elizabeth realized that everyone was looking at her. She had heard Constance's voice when she had seen Mr. Darcy and realized that she must have guessed his identity. Elizabeth did not know if Constance had told her father that such a man existed, but she was certain that he would now know that Darcy meant much more to her than a common acquaintance.
"Mr. Darcy..." Elizabeth's voice wavered. A chill passed through her body and anguish flashed in her eyes as spoke the words that condemned her. "Mr. Darcy," she repeated, "Mr. Grinly and I are to be married."
Elizabeth's announcement came as no surprise to Darcy, but somewhere in his heart he had harbored a self-deluding hope that it was not true. But hearing the words fall from her own lips gave him a full conviction that he had lost her, and with only the greatest effort on his part could he remain standing.
Darcy looked at her with all the intensity of emotion he could spare from the agony he was enduring. His eyes locked onto hers.
"You have my congratulations, Miss Bennet."
Elizabeth felt as if a knife had passed through her heart at the sound of his voice pronouncing her name, the name she had hoped to surrender in favor of his own.
Mr. Grinly looked from Elizabeth to Darcy and back again, wishing for anything that would break their gaze and put an end to whatever was passing between them. Elizabeth had never looked at him with such an expression of longing and desire, and now she was bestowing those passions on another man. Jane noticed his discomfort and tried to intervene in his behalf.
"Elizabeth," said Jane softly.
Elizabeth did not seem to hear her. Her eyes were fixed on Mr. Darcy. His eyes were filled with anguish.
Once again, Jane called her name, this time more firmly.
Elizabeth slowly turned her head towards her sister, her eyes not leaving Darcy until the last moment. "Yes?" she said absently.
"Elizabeth," Jane continued, "Mr. Darcy has just this moment arrived from London and I believe would like to freshen up. Perhaps we should continue this visit another time when he has had a chance to rest from his trip." Jane stepped close to Elizabeth and touched her arm as she struggled to gain her full attention.
"Would you and Mr. Grinly care to join us for dinner tomorrow?" asked Jane. At this point she would say or do anything to get Elizabeth and Mr. Grinly away from Netherfield.
Elizabeth did not know how to respond. She felt naked in front of Mr. Darcy. Elizabeth realized that she had been engaged in self-deception when she accepted Mr. Grinly, but now her faith and honor bound her to him. She looked to Mr. Darcy whose expression was one of shock and disbelief. His face looked pale. He did not look well. Oh, how her heart went out to him.
"I ... yes ... thank you, Jane," stuttered Elizabeth. She lowered her eyes, ashamed of her behavior, embarrassed at her inability to mask her emotions and feeling quite exposed to the scrutiny of all in the room.
Mr. Grinly began to speak to her in a low voice. She turned her head slightly to hear what he was saying.
In heated jealousy, Darcy watched as Mr. Grinly whispered quietly to Elizabeth in an intimate manner. Though Darcy could not hear what Mr. Grinly told her, she made that obvious by her next statement.
"We should be returning to Longbourn now, Jane. We will see you tomorrow."
Elizabeth's eyes turned once again towards Darcy and every emotion of love, passion and yearning she had ever felt for him returned with a force that nearly took her breath away.
Jane stepped between Elizabeth and Darcy, but her presence seemed not to matter.
"Thank you, Elizabeth," said Jane as she took her hand and led her from the room. "I look forward to it. Please give my love to Mama, Mary, Kitty and Lydia," requested Jane. "Goodbye, Miss Grinly. It was a pleasure to see you again."
"Thank you, Mrs. Bingley," said Constance.
Self-conscious and hesitant, but free from Mr. Darcy's observation, Elizabeth took Mr. Grinly's arm and walked out of the drawing room and into the hall. Mr. Bingley saw them off at the door.
Darcy collapsed onto the sofa as soon as the party had gone. He had held his breath from the moment Elizabeth had left the room until he heard the front door close. Inhaling deeply, Darcy closed his eyes and turned his head away from Jane to conceal from her the tortured emotions playing through his mind. He had seen Elizabeth! The fact that she was marrying anyone but him was torment enough, but that she was not marrying for love, caused an even deeper wound. It was obvious to him by her reaction to his appearance at Netherfield that Elizabeth was not in love with Mr. Grinly and never would be. Despite all the hurt he himself had caused her, the look of regret in her eyes had been unmistakable. She still loved him!
Darcy stood and walked to the window. He could feel Mrs. Bingley's eyes on him as they followed his progress across the room.
"Mr. Darcy, are you unwell?" asked Jane.
"I..." Darcy paused to consider for a moment. "I do not know."
"The damage has been done, sir," stated Jane bluntly. "It is obvious to me, and, I fear, everyone in the room, that my sister still loves you."
Standing by the window, Darcy turned to face Jane, who saw a shudder of emotion, dark emotion, shake his body. How awful for him, she thought. How could he not be suffering?
"And I have never ceased loving her, Mrs. Bingley."
"I see."
"I had made my decision," he continued. "I had resolved to return to Hertfordshire before I received your husband's letter announcing her engagement. I was to have gone the very next day."
He looked out the window again, recalling the horror he experienced on reading that letter. The beauty of the garden and trees were lost on Darcy.
"I did not know what to do," he sighed. "It was not my intention to hurt her further. I suppose I came to punish myself for my foolishness."
Jane's frustration spent itself in a burst of emotion. She quickly moved across the room and placed herself directly in front of Mr. Darcy.
"And what about Elizabeth?" she cried angrily. "Did you come to punish her as well?"
The suddenness and violence of her attack left him speechless. All he could do was shake his head. He stepped back from her, not a little shaken, and made no reply.
"I am sorry, Mr. Darcy," she said quietly. "Please forgive me."
"I do not accuse you, Mrs. Bingley," he said with downcast eyes.
Jane resumed her seat while Darcy paced about the room.
"Believe me, madam," said he, "I have asked myself that same question, and I have no answer for it other than to charge myself with selfishness and unwillingness to let her go."
"What will you do now?" asked Jane. Her heart was breaking for Elizabeth.
What will I do now?
"Your sister," said Darcy sadly, "does not love Mr. Grinly."
"Mr. Darcy, I am certain my husband told you that we would withdraw our invitation to you if you did anything to disturb Elizabeth's happiness."
"He did."
She looked at him squarely in the eyes. "You have done that."
"I did..."
Jane cut him off. "Your presence here has ruined her happiness with Mr. Grinly, and I grieve for it."
Jane thought for a moment and then invited Mr. Darcy to sit near her on the sofa. He took his place, though perhaps a little uncomfortable at the restraint of sitting compared to the freedom of walking around the room as an outlet for his frustrations.
"It is my fault, though," continued Jane. "I encouraged her to accept Mr. Grinly when it was apparent that she should not. I overcame her objections to the match. And though she did confess to me that she was still in love with you, I told her you did not care for her anymore."
"Mrs. Bingley," Darcy said slowly, "I do care for her. I love her."
Jane did not acknowledge him. "I also consented to my husband's desire to invite you back to Netherfield. Perhaps if she had not called today, perhaps if she had not seen you again, all would be well with her. So you see, her unhappiness is my doing."
Darcy considered what she said and replied, "If it is still your wish, I will leave immediately." He stood as if to leave the room, but Jane stopped him.
"Please, sir, do not!" cried Jane. "She will be expecting to see you tomorrow. Do not leave her wondering what her own feelings may be. Tomorrow I will ask her again, and if she tells me she loves you, I will do everything in my power to ensure that she does not marry Mr. Grinly. She could not be happy. I was wrong before, but I will not be wrong again."
"And if she does not?" asked Darcy nervously.
"Then you will have to leave. Mr. Darcy, I am left not knowing how to repair the damage I have created in her life. There will be scandal and upset if she terminates her engagement to Mr. Grinly and there may be a lifetime of regret and misery if she does not."
Jane could see the pain on Mr. Darcy's face.
Darcy could not speak. The thought of leaving Elizabeth forever was incomprehensible to him. How would he endure being separated from her? How could he live with himself knowing she was lost to him? Oh, what a mistake!
He was recalled from his reverie by Mrs. Bingley, who, with a puzzled look on her face, asked, "What has changed, Mr. Darcy? Why are you back?" This question had bothered her from the moment he stepped from his carriage.
Darcy felt nothing but gratitude for the opportunity this question provided him to explain himself. If Elizabeth knew the answer, would she reconsider, would she accept him?
"I have spent my whole life trying to live up to my father's expectations for me. As he has been dead for five years, you can see what a futile effort it has been." He walked back to the window.
"When I attempted to persuade Bingley to not marry you - please forgive me - I was voicing to him my own objections to an attachment I had formed for your sister. Bingley saw right through me."
"So you did love her," concluded Jane. "I cannot not imagine that your father would not have approved of Elizabeth." How could anybody not love such an amiable, affectionate young woman of steady mind and character?
"My father told me that I could not be happy in an unequal alliance as to family, fortune and position in society. I have since learned that none of that has any claim on happiness."
"And how did you learn this?" she asked doubtingly.
"An acquaintance offered me £35,000 if I would marry his daughter. She is an attractive, pleasant young woman of a prestigious family, and it would be the kind of match of which my father would have approved."
"But I thought you loved Elizabeth," said Jane defensively. Neither she nor Elizabeth could offer any such advantages to a man. No wonder Mr. Darcy thought she was unworthy of being Bingley's wife.
He would return to that question in a moment. He continued his story. "I was horrified when he made the offer. He knew I did not love his daughter and I reminded him of that. He said it took more than love to make a good marriage. At that moment I realized that love is all that is necessary and that my father was wrong. I knew I had hurt your sister, and I despised myself for it"
"I was to return," he continued, "and I wanted to know if she would give me another chance, and if, after all the pain I had caused, she still loved me. Because I had not received an invitation from Netherfield, I was intending to come to Meryton. The night before my departure, I received Bingley's letter announcing your sister's engagement."
"Mrs. Bingley," he sighed, "you cannot comprehend what I now suffer."
"Indeed, I cannot, but it seems to me as if you brought it all on yourself," said Jane pointedly. Mr. Darcy was a complicated man. Had he exerted himself more, and been more considerate of others, either Elizabeth would be his or neither of them would be suffering from such misery.
Jane passed quietly out of the room to search for her husband. She felt the need for the reassurance of his love. She was grateful to him for loving her, and his affection was dearer to her than ever as she understood all that he had sacrificed in order to marry her.
Once out the door of Netherfield, the Longbourn party formed up with Elizabeth on one side of Mr. Grinly and Constance on the other. At a distance from the house where conversation would be desirable, there was only silence. Elizabeth could not speak, Mr. Grinly would not speak, and Constance dared not speak.
It had taken only a moment for Mr. Grinly to ascertain that not only was Mr. Darcy more than a mere acquaintance to Elizabeth, but it was clear to him that her heart belonged to him. Mr. Grinly could not imagine a person looking more stricken than Elizabeth had on seeing Mr. Darcy. Her pale skin had become white and her eyes were filled with apprehension.
For her part, Constance knew from Elizabeth's reaction to him that Mr. Darcy was the man to whom Elizabeth referred when she spoke of someone who had disappointed her. Constance kept looking to Elizabeth for some sign of reassurance from her that all would be well, but Elizabeth would not return her glance.
Elizabeth's feelings for Mr. Darcy were a mass of confusion. He had left her, hurt her and given no explanation for his behavior. It was perfectly natural for her to accept a proposal from a respectable man like Mr. Grinly who was offering her love. So why did she feel so awful, as if she had committed some kind of betrayal?
The answer was painful, but true. Almost against her will, she was passionately in love with Mr. Darcy, and she realized she could not love Mr. Grinly at all. In that moment she repented of every feeling of distrust and resentment she ever felt for Mr. Darcy. In that instant it all meant nothing. All that mattered was him.
Elizabeth's strength had nearly failed her at that moment when she saw Mr. Darcy, and even now she was still recovering. She walked slowly, with deliberate steps, forcing herself away from Netherfield and away from Mr. Darcy.
Darcy followed Mrs. Bingley out of the drawing room and climbed the stairs to his bedchamber. He wished to be alone with his thoughts.
Lying on his bed, he pulled Elizabeth's purple ribbon from the place he always kept it, in the pocket nearest his heart. It seemed so long ago that he had touched her and kissed her. He laced the ribbon through his fingers and held it to his lips, reproaching himself for the pride and uncertainty that had cost him Elizabeth. Was there any chance that she would break her engagement to Mr. Grinly? Was there any chance for him at all?
Chapter 18
Elizabeth literally fled from Mr. Grinly when they reached the entryway at Longbourn and went up to her room. How she longed to confide in Jane! There was no one else with whom she could talk about her feelings of confusion and uncertainty. She did not love Mr. Grinly, and she did love Mr. Darcy. Persuaded that Mr. Darcy had not returned her love, she had accepted Mr. Grinly in the hope of forgetting him, in the hope of being loved, in the hope of some semblance of a happy future.
Now everything was changed. Seeing Mr. Darcy again brought back all the feelings she had had for him. She remembered how she felt when he kissed her. The instant she saw that look of passion in his eyes she knew he still loved her. He must have known of her engagement. She was certain Jane would not have invited him back without informing him. Why did he come back, if not to claim her?
But could she allow that? Did not honor bind her to Mr. Grinly? Surely it must. She knew that to reject Mr. Grinly would be to hurt him in nearly the same manner he had suffered when his wife died. It would do the same to Constance, who might never understand. How much pain would she cause them? They had done nothing at all to deserve it. They were kind, gentle and unassuming. Constance had opened her heart to Elizabeth.
Her own family would be embarrassed if she terminated her engagement. Poor Mama! She had alerted the whole of Meryton of the engagement.
Could she rely on Mr. Darcy to make her an offer of marriage? Could she base her future on such an expectation? He had disappointed her before. She had felt abandoned and rejected because of him, but all of that seemed forgotten the moment their eyes met when she walked into Jane's drawing room. Their hearts had touched.
But how much would Mr. Darcy suffer, how much would she suffer, if she tried to live a life without him? But if the offence could be forgiven, could the pain be forgotten? Her heart told her it could not.
If she could not be whole without Mr. Darcy, though, then marrying Mr. Grinly would be tragically wrong. How could she be a good wife knowing she loved another? How could she give herself to Mr. Grinly knowing she wanted Mr. Darcy?
Elizabeth collapsed on her bed with all the pain of a tortured mind and cried until her eyes were dry. When she was herself again, it was night and the room was dark. Elizabeth crawled under the bedclothes and pulled them close up around her chin, pleading for the insensibility of sleep.
Elizabeth knew she would have to face Mr. Grinly and Constance. She would have to give them some explanation as to why she ran up to her room the previous night without another word to them. Elizabeth was certain that Mr. Grinly would find some way to excuse her actions. Without having slept much and feeling poorly for it, Elizabeth crept down to the drawing room to await the inevitable. To her surprise, Constance was already up. She appeared to be struggling with some needlework.
"Good morning, Constance," said Elizabeth gently, as she sat down next to her.
"Elizabeth?" asked Constance in a small voice.
"Yes, my dear?" She could see the tortured look in Constance's eyes.
"Was that him?" asked Constance. "Is Mr. Darcy the man you told me that loved you?"
"He is," whispered Elizabeth.
"He still loves you, I think."
Elizabeth would not answer the implied question in that statement.
"If you leave me, Elizabeth, I do not know how I shall bear it." Constance set down her work and laced her fingers together, clasping her hands tightly.
"I watched you look at him, Elizabeth. You do not look at my father in the same way." Constance started to cry softly.
"I could see it in your eyes. You love him, Elizabeth." Constance could not bury a sob. She burst into tears and ran from the room. Elizabeth never imagined that the drawing room could be so cold and lonely.
Elizabeth walked to the window, then closed her eyes. Her mind returned to that exact, unexpected moment when she had come upon Mr. Darcy at Netherfield. Before seeing him, her heart had felt free in the knowledge that he was gone from her life. Now Mr. Darcy was back and she felt her freedom had been taken away. No, she had given it up to him. There was no denying how she felt about him. And now that she had seen him again, and had seen the love and passion in his eyes, she knew she could never forget him.
Her mind revolved in circles between the shock of her revived feelings for Mr. Darcy, the pain she caused Mr. Grinly, and the knowledge that Mr. Darcy loved her. The circle tightened around her and she felt trapped in the vise-like grip of self-reproach for having been weak. If Jane accused Mr. Darcy of trifling with her, is that not what she had been doing to Mr. Grinly and Constance?
She whispered his name.
"Mr. Darcy."
Just at that moment, Mr. Grinly entered the drawing room, soon enough to hear Elizabeth pronounce that man's name.
"No, Elizabeth, it is I, Thomas," he said softly. He had been troubled by her reaction to Mr. Darcy the day before. Obviously there was some connection between them that had upset Elizabeth to the point that she would not spend last evening with him. He had to know how she felt.
She turned at the sound of his voice and opened her eyes.
"Oh...I." Elizabeth sighed. "Good morning, Mr. Grinly."
He winced at her formality.
Mr. Grinly walked up next to her, cringing when she unconsciously took a step away from him. She did not look well and it appeared as though she had slept but very little and was emotionally spent. Mr. Grinly clenched his teeth at the thought of her crying the night away over Mr. Darcy.
"Good morning, Elizabeth," said Mr. Grinly with an air of cheerfulness he did not feel. "Did you sleep well? I missed you last evening. You did not come down from your room."
"I was not well, but I will be fine. I felt ill after our walk back from Netherfield." It really was not a lie. She had felt awful. Her mind had been so disturbed that her body ached because of it.
"Constance and I were worried about you and I am worried now," said Mr. Grinly. His daughter had just come to him in tears, directly from her conversation with Elizabeth. Mr. Grinly now knew about Mr. Darcy's connection to his fiancée and was fairly certain he understood her feelings towards the man. Was it something she could overcome?
"I am sorry," said Elizabeth.
"My only concern is for you," he paused, "and us."
There, he had said it. He was afraid of losing her. Of course, she would not refuse to marry him, at least so he thought, but was that what he really wanted for her? Was that what he wanted for himself?
Elizabeth turned away from him as a shiver ran up her spine. It was a reminder of her weariness of body and mind.
"Oh..." she whispered.
Mr. Grinly stepped around her and observed that she looked pale and seemed unsteady on her feet. He was immediately filled with compassion for her.
"Elizabeth," he said gently, "are you unwell?"
"I...I feel a little lightheaded. I did not sleep well at all," replied Elizabeth in a voice barely audible.
In a fluid motion, Mr. Grinly put one arm around her waist and lifted her to a sofa, where he set her gently down and seated himself next to her.
"Let me call for some tea for you," he said as he rang the bell. Mrs. Hill came in and he requested that tea be brought to Miss Elizabeth as quickly as may be. Sensing Mr. Grinly's urgency and seeing that Elizabeth was out of countenance, she hurried from the room on her errand.
"Please, sir," said Elizabeth nervously, "you putting yourself to too much trouble for me, you..."
He touched her hand. "Elizabeth, please let me care for you. Please allow me to do this."
She acquiesced with slight nod.
Throughout the whole course of their relationship, he had always felt that she held an advantage over him. The happiness he was enjoying with Elizabeth was still too new for him to fully trust it. He always feared that something might arise that would interrupt it, but now she was at a disadvantage, and he wanted her to be assured that he would and could take care of her, and that it was a privilege to be allowed to do so.
They sat in silence, Elizabeth looking at her folded hands in her lap and Mr. Grinly examining her face and sympathizing with the distress he saw there. At last, Elizabeth spoke.
"I am so sorry, you must believe me." Her eyes began to tear up. "It was not my intention to cause anyone pain, especially not you, especially not Constance."
"Shh...," he soothed, "please do not say such things. It will only make you upset, and there is no need for that." They heard a noise and turned their heads just in time to see the housekeeper enter the room. "Look," said Mr. Grinly, "here comes Mrs. Hill now."
Hill sat the tea service down on the nearest table and Mr. Grinly dismissed her. Elizabeth moved as if she would rise and pour out the tea, but he gently held her arm and withstood her weak effort.
"Please," he said with a smile, "let me serve you."
Mr. Grinly had cheered Elizabeth into a faint smile with all his pampering attention. Rarely was she treated in such a way by anyone other than Jane.
"Do you feel any better, Elizabeth?" he asked. She had finished with her tea and the service had been taken away. They were alone once again.
Elizabeth had not experienced such tenderness from any man since her father died, and she had to confess that she liked the gentle treatment she was receiving from the hands of Mr. Grinly. His concern for her was genuine, his love of her obvious.
"I do, but I am so very tired," she confessed. She wished she felt better. There was so much she needed to say to him. Constance had left her so upset and he himself had come to her with a worried look.
"If you were to retire to your bedchamber, do you believe that you could rest?" he asked.
Constance's relation of her conversation with Elizabeth had alarmed him and he wanted to talk to her and endeavor to learn her true feelings. Maybe there had been a mistake, but her appearance when he met her in the drawing room removed all thoughts of conversation.
She, however, had not wholly given up the hope of talking to him. In an effort to broach the painful topic, she began.
"Thomas, I fear I have upset Constance..." Her voice broke.
"Elizabeth, Constance has revealed to me the substance of your conversation. She is upset, but I have calmed her fears. Be assured that she loves you as much as she ever did."
Mr. Grinly felt that this was not the time for talk. All he wanted to do was ease Elizabeth's mind and persuade her to retire to her room and recover her strength.
Elizabeth sighed. "And you, sir, must be uneasy. You must have suspicions..."
Although intending to comfort her, his next words only added to her misery. "I have every confidence in your regard for me."
She felt a tear trickle down one cheek.
"I seem to do nothing but offend," she said bitterly. She wished herself a thousand miles away, and briefly considered whether it might not be appropriate to seek an invitation to her aunt's home in town until she could sort out her feelings. She quickly discarded the thought. She owed it to both men and to herself to resolve the issue, and she had learned from Mr. Darcy that running away only makes matters worse.
"Elizabeth, do you believe you could rest if I were to assist you to your bedchamber? I will make your excuses to the rest of your family."
"You are very kind to me," she whispered. 'And I feel so unworthy of that kindness,' she added to herself.
"Kind?" he said. "I would do anything for you, Elizabeth." And so saying he took her hand, helped her to her feet and guided her to the foot of the stairs.
"Thank you," she said with a breaking heart, "I know you would."
Mr. Grinly watched her progress up the stairs until she turned and was out of sight. Only when she was gone did he allow himself to despair of the future he hoped to have with Elizabeth as his wife.
"Oh, Mr. Grinly!" cried Mrs. Bennet. "Good morning, Constance. It is a beautiful day, is it not?" The Grinlys were just returning after a walk around the front of the house. Mrs. Bennet had espied them from the entryway and met them at the front door.
"It is," replied Mr. Grinly, feigning cheerfulness. He and Constance had been discussing the state of affairs with Elizabeth, and the conversation had not brought comfort to either of them. Constance had been distressed by her father's revelation of Elizabeth's ill health.
"Will you join us for another turn around the garden?" he asked, standing near her.
Despite her eccentricities, Mr. Grinly liked Mrs. Bennet. Though loud and often silly, he believed that she was capable of genuine love for her daughters, and he felt she cared for him, too. This knowledge made the morning's meeting with Elizabeth all the more painful. He could envision the circumstances whereby he could lose Elizabeth, and in losing her, he would be bereft of her whole family.
"No, thank you, Mr. Grinly. But is not Elizabeth with you? That girl is always running off. I can never..."
"Mrs. Bennet, please!" chided Mr. Grinly.
She was silenced.
"Forgive me, Mrs. Bennet," said Mr. Grinly penitently. He took Mrs. Bennet's arm and led her onto the lawn. "I saw Elizabeth early this morning. We took some tea together, but she is not well and has returned to her bedchamber. I expect to see her later in the morning before we leave for Netherfield."
"Oh, yes, the Bingleys have invited you for the evening. Will Constance attend you?" asked Mrs. Bennet. She realized that although she had declined an invitation to join the Grinlys in the garden, she now found herself walking with them anyway.
"No," replied Mr. Grinly. "Constance will remain with Mary."
"Very well. I am sure we will be glad to have her with us."
Mrs. Bennet liked Constance very much, although she could not understand why she was so quiet and shy, so unlike her own daughters. Be that as it may, she was a pleasant addition to their family party and any relation of Mr. Grinly's would be very welcome.
Shortly before the carriage was summoned, Elizabeth joined her family in the drawing room. Mr. Grinly's kindness had removed much of the apprehension she felt as a result of seeing Mr. Darcy the day before. He had not accused her or blamed her for her behavior. With every moment, Mr. Grinly increased in her esteem. But she knew that was all it could ever be - esteem, not love.
She had been able to rest and did feel stronger, though not altogether recovered. She tried to enter into the conversation with Mr. Grinly and forget that in a few short minutes, he would hand her into his carriage and she would be driven to Netherfield where she would come face to face with Mr. Darcy.
The door was fastened shut, the step raised and the carriage was off. Elizabeth sat quietly across from Mr. Grinly. They both felt ill at ease and made every effort not to appear as if they were avoiding each other's sight, but were instead enjoying the passing scenery.
Elizabeth was not comfortable. No, not at all. She knew Mr. Grinly's hopes for her, for they had spent much time in sometimes serious, sometimes playful, conversation wholly centered on their future and the joy they would experience together.
Those hopes were ruined. She would never know happiness without Mr. Darcy and she could never know it with Mr. Grinly. Her heart screamed in defiance of the calm exterior that she maintained and only a tear betrayed the silent turmoil that burned within her.
Mr. Grinly sat quietly and pretended, for her sake, not to notice her distress.
Elizabeth and Mr. Grinly arrived in good time for the evening's engagement at Netherfield. Jane had gone to as much effort as possible to make her home pleasing and inviting to her guests knowing full well that there would be a charged atmosphere as soon as they arrived. She had noticed, without surprise, that Mr. Darcy had been on edge all day.
Elizabeth, mindful of her place as an engaged woman, resolved that if it were at all possible, she would not look at Mr. Darcy nor speak to him. She hoped that he would not address her beyond the normal civilities.
Darcy and Bingley stood on the appearance of the lady and gentleman in the drawing room, where they all had gathered awaiting word that dinner was ready.
Determined to give no encouragement to Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth kept her eyes on Mr. Bingley.
She heard him say, "Good afternoon, Miss Bennet! Welcome to Netherfield, Mr. Grinly!" Bingley was all cheerfulness.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Mr. Grinly bow to the gentlemen while she made a shallow curtsy.
Jane came over to Elizabeth. She hugged her and kissed her cheek. While embracing her, Jane whispered into her ear, "I love you, Lizzy. Do not worry. Everything will be well."
Jane, unwilling to keep anything from her husband, had told him the whole of the situation concerning her sister, Mr. Grinly and Mr. Darcy. Bingley agreed with Jane that it would be a long, difficult evening for them all.
Darcy did not know if he would be able to speak. The pain in his heart had created a lump in his throat. Elizabeth looked beautiful, he thought, as beautiful as he had ever seen her. He knew she must be pained, perhaps even more so than he, for she was here with the man she loved, and with the man to whom she had promised herself, and much to her misfortune, they were not the same man.
Now that she was here, Elizabeth wished she had feigned illness to prevent this meeting with Mr. Darcy. Her heart was all his, and she ached nearly to tears with the agony of knowing she could not have him. Unable to resist the temptation, she raised her eyes to his and her misery increased when she saw him return her look with one of equal pain and longing. She immediately withdrew her gaze and turned away.
Mr. Grinly was also suffering. His plan of happiness with Elizabeth was obviously threatened by Mr. Darcy. He saw very clearly the exchange between them that had just occurred, and could feel Elizabeth's discomfort in every move she made. His first impressions were confirmed. Mr. Darcy was intimately connected with Elizabeth. He did not know how or when this relationship had begun. His first thought was how to force the evening to end early and to get Elizabeth away from Darcy. His next thought was to decide what he must do to persuade Elizabeth to leave Hertfordshire as soon as may be. They could be wed in just a few days with a license and then immediately go into Kent.
Mr. Bingley invited them all to sit down. "Mr. Grinly, I am told you are from Wiltshire. I have never traveled that far west before. Is it much like Hertfordshire?"
"A little," said Mr. Grinly, "though I believe there is more farmland in Hertfordshire, and as a consequence of being so far from London, the population in Wiltshire is not so numerous."
"I have never been to the west, but I would have to say that my favorite county is Derbyshire, in the north. Are you familiar with that country?" asked Bingley.
"I am not," responded Grinly.
Elizabeth could not refrain from looking at Darcy on the mention of Derbyshire. It brought to her mind the images of his home, of Pemberley, that she had conjured up during their conversations. In an instant she recalled the warmth of his touch as he had held her hand and told her of his estate.
Jane saw the exchange between the two with pursed lips. The tension in the air was thick, and she admitted that this dinner would not allow anyone to appear to advantage, but making such an invitation had seemed the only way to diffuse yesterday's meeting. She realized now that all she had done was to delay the inevitable.
Elizabeth realized her resolution to remain silent was impossible, but certainly there was merit in trying to appear composed. She would just not speak to Mr. Darcy. In an effort to turn the conversation away from anything connected with him, she said, "Mr. Grinly has lately been in London, visiting my Aunt Gardiner."
"She is a pleasant woman," commented Mr. Bingley. "I am fond of all her family. Their children are lovely. Did you like them yourself? How did you find London, sir?"
Darcy coolly observed Mr. Grinly watching Elizabeth following her recent comment. Clearly, Mr. Grinly was familiar with her discomfiture, and he wondered how much he knew of her situation or her feelings towards himself. Very likely Elizabeth had not spoken a word of it to him. He was certain Mr. Grinly would not have brought her to Netherfield if she had.
"The Gardiners are some of the most likeable people I know," said Mr. Grinly, "and their children are beautiful. Constance is quite fond of them. I particularly enjoyed Mr. Gardiner's company and spent time with him inspecting his warehouses. He is very intelligent and quite successful."
"As to your other question," said Mr. Grinly clearing his throat, not at all pleased with the idea of having to say so much, "it has been several years since I was in town and it has certainly grown larger. Despite the richness of the society there, London is plagued with much poverty. It is sad to see. My daughter and I took in the theatre, the opera and the different exhibitions, and visited with my deceased wife's relations."
Mr. Grinly saw Darcy look up at him, and he regretted he had mentioned anything to do with Julia. Somehow it made him feel vulnerable, which made no sense, as he had always drawn strength from her.
Mr. Grinly felt the eyes of all in the room on him, everyone's eyes except Elizabeth's. "I was married previously, sir, many years ago. Julia died in a carriage accident," he said uncomfortably. The room grew quiet.
Elizabeth glanced up at Mr. Grinly to see how he fared. She knew that this was a painful topic for him, and that any mention of Julia could bring on a period of melancholy. He returned her look with a small, encouraging smile, as if to say that he was well, and to thank her for her concern.
Elizabeth felt a need to support him and to acknowledge that she was reconciled to his former marriage.
"Mrs. Grinly's death was heroic, though tragic. She saved the life of her daughter, Constance, whom you met yesterday. She is a lovely girl and would have made her mother proud," whispered Elizabeth.
Darcy looked at Elizabeth, jealous of the intimacy she had with Mr. Grinly that allowed such feelings of reassurance and encouragement to be communicated between them in just a glance. Darcy had looked deeply into her eyes, and all he saw was pain and longing. He knew that as the date of her marriage approached, other emotions would be reflected in her fine eyes: apprehension and misgiving. He wondered how a young woman such as herself could give herself to a man so much older. Darcy's suffering only increased as he realized that his treatment of her had been that cause. Darcy knew she would not consider him indifferent to her, therefore, she would perceive his sudden departure and ensuing silence as a rejection. What was more natural for her to do than accept an honorable offer from someone else?
Darcy wanted Elizabeth to speak to him. He wanted to hear her call him by his name. He knew she was avoiding him, and could hardly blame her. He did not know if she was uncomfortable only because of Mr. Grinly, or if she was making an effort to conquer her attachment to him.
"Miss Bennet," said Darcy.
Elizabeth started at the sound of her name pronounced by Darcy.
"Do you still often walk by the stream near here, the one near Netherfield?" he asked. He knew this was dangerous ground. He was remembering their kiss and he knew she would be, too.
Elizabeth made an attempt to swallow through her dry throat. She met his gaze and spoke quietly. "I have not been there since...since that time...when I was ill."
She had related to Mr. Grinly the tale of her fall and subsequent recovery at Netherfield, and the attendant circumstance of Jane and Bingley's marriage, which she felt was the only happy consequence of it. She did not speak, however, of Mr. Darcy to her fiancé, and she wondered now that if she had, if she would feel the way she did. Had she been open with Mr. Grinly, could she have forgotten Mr. Darcy?
Elizabeth glanced in Mr. Darcy's direction. She could see his heartbeat pounding in the artery in his neck. He must have felt her gaze, because his eye met hers. For a moment, she recognized in his countenance the same intensity of expression he wore when he spoke to her of his parents.
"It would be too much for me," she continued. "I mean, too far."
"I am sorry. It is such a beautiful place. The water is so cool and refreshing. I have never felt happier than the time I last visited there," said Darcy.
Elizabeth closed her eyes. What was Mr. Darcy doing? Why was he pressing her? Was he deliberately tormenting her? This was certainly no way to recommend himself to her. But perhaps that was not his desire. Perhaps he considered her lost and was punishing her for accepting Mr. Grinly. She felt her anger rising.
Mr. Grinly could address Elizabeth intimately, as no man there could, and he took advantage of his privilege to reinforce his claim on her.
"Elizabeth," said Grinly, "perhaps we can walk to the stream tomorrow and you can show me all the fine prospects." He could not suppress a brief look of triumph over Mr. Darcy.
Elizabeth's eyes flashed at Mr. Darcy, but her voice was sweet and conciliatory towards Mr. Grinly. "You would not like it, Thomas. It is a dreadful place that evokes dark feelings and brings to mind painful memories."
She did not take her eyes off Darcy. He fell back in his chair as if she had slapped him. She did not look at him with satisfaction. Indeed, she instantly regretted her words.
Jane knew she must act. She stood in a decided manner, left the drawing room and went into a small sitting room. Then she summoned a maid to go to the drawing room and request that Elizabeth join her there.
The gentlemen thought it strange indeed that Jane would choose to withdraw just as they were preparing for dinner, but their surprise and concern was almost beyond their ability to conceal it when Elizabeth was called away. She followed the maid into the sitting room where she was greeted by Jane. The later took her hand and led her to a couch.
"Oh, Lizzy, this is too much for you," Jane said with her gentlest voice as she held Elizabeth's hand.
"Jane, what is Mr. Darcy doing here?" asked Elizabeth pointedly. "I was never so surprised as I was when I saw him here yesterday. I had thought he was in London."
"I made a terrible mistake, Lizzy. I agreed to allow Charles to invite him here. With your engagement to Mr. Grinly, I thought there was no danger. I am so sorry."
"I admit that I did not realize the depth of the feelings I still held for Mr. Darcy," continued Elizabeth, who did not even think to acknowledge Jane's apology. "I have made a terrible mistake, Jane. I am to be married to a man I do not love, and now, having seen Mr. Darcy again, I feel I can never love Mr. Grinly. All I feel is obligation," said Elizabeth. Her situation was hopeless, absolutely hopeless.
"Lizzy, to what was Mr. Darcy referring when he mentioned the stream?" asked Jane. She was curious to know what was behind Darcy's reference, to know what had offended Elizabeth.
"While I was at Netherfield, on a day when everyone was out, I escaped from the house for fresh air and exercise. I came upon the stream and sat on a rock and listened to the water and reflected on my relationship with Mr. Darcy."
Elizabeth paused for a moment, as if she were once again sitting on that rock. "He returned that day to Netherfield before the others, and was informed by Anne that I had left the house. He came after me. I do not know why he chose to go to the stream, but he found me there and sat with me and we talked. Jane, he kissed me."
"Lizzy!" cried Jane. Recollecting that it was her purpose now to comfort Elizabeth and not to rebuke her, she apologized.
"I am sorry, Lizzy. That was unkind. I am just astonished, that is all." Jane paused, struggling for the right words.
"Lizzy," asked Jane, "how did you receive his advances?"
"I welcomed them with all my heart. I loved him then, and he loved me. I am certain of it," Lizzy said emphatically.
"After Mr. Darcy had left and I had spoken to you, I hoped I would not still love him. I had pledged myself to Mr. Grinly for the rest of my life and I wanted to be happy with him. I had come to your way of thinking." Jane winced at this. "But when I saw Mr. Darcy yesterday, I knew all my efforts to forget him had been in vain. I want to believe that he came back for me. Is that true, Jane?"
"I have spoken with Mr. Darcy. He says he loves you."
"Jane, please tell me. What else did he say?" begged Elizabeth. She had to know.
"Lizzy, he believes that you do not love Mr. Grinly. He has come back for you."
Elizabeth sat back on the sofa and she leaned her head on Jane's shoulder.
"Mr. Darcy hurt me deeply when he misled me and left without a word to me. He tried to persuade Mr. Bingley not to marry you, and said that our family would shame him," said Elizabeth with a sigh. "Jane, what am I to do? I do not believe I can expect that same behavior from Mr. Grinly. I know he is devoted to me, whereas Mr. Darcy, though he told you he loves me still, at one time, at least, felt I was not good enough for him. How can I trust his love for me will not be as transient now as it was before? I realize now that I must have loved Mr. Darcy the whole time. Is that wrong?"
"I do not believe that falling in love with a person is either right or wrong. It just happens," said Jane. "I am certain you did not choose it. When I saw Charles I knew that I would love him, and I do. I did not make a choice."
"But I want that choice. I am tired of feeling powerless. If I am to love Mr. Darcy, I want to choose to love him, not be forced into it because my passion is stronger than my reason! How can I rely on Mr. Darcy's love for me? He left me once. I was ready to give him everything, but I heard him say that I was not enough and that my connections would be an embarrassment to him. How do I know that he does not still feel that way? How much does he love me? How do I know he will not hurt me again?"
"If you ask him," continued Elizabeth, "for my sake, to leave Hertfordshire and never come back, so that my peace of mind might be restored and I can reconcile myself to accepting Mr. Grinly and fulfilling my obligation to him, do you think he would do that?"
"Oh, Lizzy." Jane brushed the hair back from Elizabeth's face and stroked her cheek. "Lizzy, I will do whatever you want me to do. Do you want to marry Mr. Grinly? Do you want me to ask Mr. Darcy to leave?" asked Jane. This was the crux of the matter. The answer to this question would decide everything.
She recalled the passion in his kiss, the look of love in his eye and the way she felt when he held her in his arms. Elizabeth paled at the thought of never seeing Mr. Darcy again, but if she were honest with herself, she would have to say that she simply did not trust him.
Had it all been a lie? She was in agony now because of Mr. Darcy, and would always feel the pain of his rejection. He had done that to her. Is that what love does? If it does, she would not wish this misery on anyone. Mr. Grinly, she knew, could never inflict that kind of pain because she did not love him and never would.
"Yes," she said through her tears.
Jane spent a few minutes with Elizabeth, comforting her, drying her tears and making every effort to bolster her weakened spirits. Jane understood Elizabeth, and knew from her answer that she did not want to see Mr. Darcy. She would not ask Elizabeth to return to the drawing room, nor would not ask her to face him again.
Mrs. Bingley rang for a servant, who soon appeared.
"Please order Mr. Grinly's carriage to be brought around immediately," said Jane.
"Lizzy, I have called for Mr. Grinly's carriage. I shall ask Mr. Grinly to wait with you and take you back to Longbourn. Talk to him. Trust him. Allow this moment to be the beginning of a new understanding between you," pleaded Jane. She knew the best chance for Elizabeth's happiness with Mr. Grinly would be a relationship based on trust and integrity. Now was the time to prove his mettle.
"Charles and I will then speak with Mr. Darcy. I will relate to him briefly the substance of our conversation and your firm decision in favor of Mr. Grinly. We will ask him to leave Netherfield and I will send you word at Longbourn when he is gone."
"Very well," said Elizabeth. "Please send Mr. Grinly to me. And Jane, thank you."
Chapter 19
The departure of the ladies brought an end to all conversation in the drawing room, much to Bingley's distress. As host, he felt it his obligation to say or do something that would ease the tension in the room, but he was at a loss as to what that should be. It was clear to him that Darcy had surrendered all appearances of disinterestedness and had set himself as a rival to Mr. Grinly for Elizabeth's favor. This violated the condition of Darcy's invitation to Netherfield and could lead only to more trouble.
Neither Darcy nor Mr. Grinly spoke. Darcy's attention seemed to be focused inwardly. His eyes were fixed on the floor in front of him and the only sign of the struggle he was enduring was an occasional shake of his head, as if he were scolding himself for some misdeed. Bingley could easily imagine on what those regrets centered.
Mr. Grinly appeared to be focused outwardly. Most of his attention was directed to the door through which the ladies had passed. He was not at all familiar with the house, and it seemed as if he were trying to peer through the walls that he might see where Elizabeth was and what Jane might be saying to her.
Darcy had recognized Elizabeth's confusion and had to agree that the conversation had gone far enough. Though his words had caused much of her discomfort, he felt certain that they had brought to her mind a recollection of all that he meant to her, and that even at that moment, Elizabeth was pleading with her sister to help her break her engagement to Mr. Grinly. He thought with satisfaction on Mrs. Bingley's commitment to prevent Elizabeth from marrying without love and if tonight's display did not show that Elizabeth did not love Mr. Grinly, then he did not know what would.
Mr. Grinly quickly ascertained that Darcy loved Elizabeth, but what had happened? Was it true that at one time Elizabeth had been his and that he had lost her, or worse yet, had given her up? In either case, he was unworthy of Elizabeth's love and affection. Did not she realize this? Nevertheless he feared for himself and his future. Elizabeth was quite upset and the last time that had happened, she left him. Last night she had not come downstairs from her room. The day of his proposal she had fled to Netherfield. With every agonizing moment, he felt as if he were losing her and that she was slipping away.
Jane stepped slowly and resolutely into the drawing room. All eyes were turned upon her. She was met by three different emotions from three very different men. Her attention was drawn immediately to Mr. Darcy, and she was feeling all the discomfort and self-consciousness of her own situation in having to dismiss him from Netherfield and from Elizabeth's life. Needing reassurance, she looked to her husband. His face held an expression of strength and determination, mingled with concern. She had always relied on his love and would need it now more than ever.
The only word that Jane could use to describe what she felt from Mr. Grinly was anguish. His relationship with Elizabeth had started off with uncertainty, though it quickly became stronger, at least until Mr. Darcy returned. For the rest of her life, she would reproach herself for inviting him back to Netherfield.
"Excuse me," said Jane, whose voice cut through the silence, "but I must speak privately with Mr. Grinly. Would you please follow me, sir?" She stretched out her hand and motioned him towards the door from which she had just appeared. As he stood and began to walk towards her, she preceded him through it and down a brief hallway.
Turning to face him, she said, "Elizabeth is unwell. I have ordered your carriage. Please take her home."
Alarm spread over his face. "What is the matter? Please tell me, what is the matter!"
"She has chosen her future," replied Jane, "but it was a difficult decision and will yet be painful to her for some time. Please be patient with her, Mr. Grinly."
"I will. Thank you."
Jane nodded to him, then left him at the entrance to the sitting room.
Mr. Grinly stepped into the room and carefully walked over and stood in front of Elizabeth. She looked up at him. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her eyes looked red and swollen. Mrs. Bingley had asked him to be patient. He would be. He would not demand anything from her.
"May I sit with you?" he asked with a smile.
He sat and turned himself towards her.
"Are you unwell, Elizabeth?" he asked gently. "Mrs. Bingley told me that you wished to return to Longbourn."
"You must hate me, sir," she whispered.
Her eyes were cast down and her fingers laced in her lap. Her lips were pursed together as she sat stiffly on the couch. She knew he had every right condemn her, but hoped he would not. She would prove to him her resolve to love him in every way she could, and she would start now.
"No, I do not," said Mr. Grinly. "You must not say that." He paused, remembering his promise to Mrs. Bingley. He wanted to tell her he loved her and reassure her of his affection, but that would ask for a return of those sentiments he was certain she did not feel.
"Would you like to tell me what you are feeling?" he asked. He wanted her trust and confidence. He would not force her to speak, but he would give her the opportunity, regardless of how it might pain him.
There was a moment of silence while she rallied her courage.
"I have not told you all. I did not tell you everything about my fall and recovery here at Netherfield." He said nothing, but encouraged her with his eyes.
"While I was here, I fell in love with Mr. Darcy." She had said it.
Grinly was not surprised by this confession, and having steeled himself for the likelihood of hearing it, he showed no sign of emotion on his face or in his voice when he responded to her.
"What happened?"
"I thought he loved me, too." She spoke as if she had not heard his question. "I know he did. I was never so happy as I was when I was with him. He came to visit me everyday. On one occasion he came upon me when I was sitting by the stream near here, the situation to which Mr. Darcy alluded earlier." No, she could not tell him that. For his sake, she would not. He did not need to hear it, and she did not want to repeat it. The kiss she received from Mr. Darcy must be forgotten.
"I had thought so," was all Grinly said. There was a secret there that he must never know.
"My heart and mind were full of him. I wanted to, I expected to, receive his addresses. Mr. Bingley held a ball here one evening after I was well again. He was very much in love with my sister, and I heard him and Mr. Darcy discussing Jane."
Grinly saw a tear form in her eye.
"I was on the balcony, outside the window of Mr. Bingley's study. The sash was open, and I heard him tell Mr. Darcy how he felt about my sister, that he loved her and that he intended to propose marriage to her very soon, perhaps even the next day."
The tear began to roll down her cheek. Grinly restrained himself from wiping it away.
"Mr. Darcy objected to the match. He told Mr. Bingley that Jane was not rich enough, that her connections were poor and he condemned my mother and sisters, saying that they would end up being a burden to him. He told Mr. Bingley that he could easily attach a gentleman's daughter, a young woman with a dowry, and connect himself to a family that would remove the stigma of trade from his wealth. He told Mr. Bingley to think on the impact such connections as ours would be on his sister's chance of making a good marriage."
More tears fell from Elizabeth's eyes. She looked up at Mr. Grinly, begging for his understanding and acceptance.
"Jane is in possession of Longbourn and she is gentleman's daughter, yet Mr. Darcy felt she was not good enough for his friend. Can you imagine how I felt? I, who have nothing at all, nothing except love for a man who I thought must love me in return, but who did, in fact, despise me?"
"Oh, Elizabeth."
"Now he is back," she cried softly. "My sister told me that she has spoken with Mr. Darcy. He knew of our engagement before he arrived. He told her he still loves me."
Everything made sense to him now. Her reaction to his proposal, coming so soon upon the heels of the pain Mr. Darcy had given her, would be natural, and, of course, she would seek out her sister. The startled look on her face when she saw Mr. Darcy the day before, and Constance's penetration into Elizabeth's distress, were all understood.
"My proposal came at a very unpropitious time, I see." Dare he ask her? "Elizabeth, why did you accept me?"
She was silent as she tried to compose herself. This was the question she had not wanted to hear, but knew she must answer. He deserved to be satisfied.
"Sir, I ... I did not love you. I felt I hardly knew you."
Grinly felt as though he had been hit in the stomach. Had he been so blind to her feelings?
"After much consideration," Elizabeth continued, "your offer became very attractive to me. The life you wanted to give me with Constance and yourself seemed so pleasing. I thought I could forget Mr. Darcy. I thought I would never see him again. I was certain we could all be happy together. I wanted nothing more than to go into Wiltshire to a new home and new family."
Elizabeth had never seen a countenance as pale as his appeared. The blood had drained from his face and he was left without any color at all. She repented of the pain she was causing him, but knew that to deceive him would be worse. How had her life become so complicated?
She turned to face him and touched his arm. "But, sir, I know we could be happy now. I know I can come to love you."
He looked at her for a moment, waves of sorrow echoing in his head. 'I did not love you ... I did not love you ... I did not...'
Grinly quickly stood in attempt to hide from her the feelings of desperation and sadness that were overwhelming him, but watching her suffer was even worse. She looked so fragile as she sat there.
He knew she had just offered herself to him. It was not a question as to whether he wanted her. The difficulty was in reconciling himself to the fact that in accepting her and thus securing his own happiness, he would be sacrificing hers. She would be content with him, but her heart belonged to another and was it not wrong to prevent her from loving that man, even if it meant he himself was to suffer? He did not doubt the sincerity of her offer, but he did doubt its wisdom. There would always be something in their life together, something he could not provide for her, an emotion he would be unable to inspire in her, and that was passion.
He approached her and knelt down in front of her. He had to be strong for her, though his eyes burned with the heartbreak and finality of the decision he had just made.
"Miss Bennet," he said. She did not notice the appellation. "Miss Bennet, let me take you home."
Darcy watched Mr. Grinly follow Mrs. Bingley out of the room, and instinctively knew that she was taking him to Elizabeth. That Elizabeth was distressed did not admit of a doubt. That she was overwhelmed by her feelings upon seeing him was certain. Once again, she was hurting. First by his absence, and now by his presence.
But that would soon change. No doubt Grinly's summons from the room would result in the termination of any relationship he had with Elizabeth. He was grateful to have gained Mrs. Bingley's confidence in himself. She would be a strong influence over Elizabeth at such a delicate time as this. He was sorry for Mr. Grinly, but there was no possible alternative. He must have Elizabeth!
Darcy started at Jane's voice.
"...Mr. Darcy? Sir, are you well?" asked Jane. She had observed him narrowly as she entered the room and knew her task was going to be painful. She took a seat next to her husband and slipped her hand into his. Bingley gave her a quick look, as Jane usually shied away from public expressions of affection. He squeezed her hand and in so doing drew a slight smile from her.
"Mr. Darcy," said Jane, obtaining his attention, "you must have seen that Elizabeth is very upset. Her distress results from a combination of feelings, including a strong affection that she has for you. Until you arrived here yesterday, she thought she had overcome that emotion, and while she would dearly wish to surrender to those feelings, she is afraid. You broke her heart, sir, and she does not trust you." Jane spoke slowly and deliberately. She did not want to repeat herself and she wanted to be believed.
Jane stated emphatically, "I will reproach myself for the rest of my life for inviting you to Netherfield."
Darcy was surprised at this assertion. He had understood that Mrs. Bingley was an ally in his effort to win Elizabeth from Mr. Grinly. She had joined with him in believing that Elizabeth did not love him and had promised her support. If she was withdrawing her assistance, that could only come from Elizabeth.
"Elizabeth confesses that she is not in love with Mr. Grinly, but she acknowledges she has obtained something from him that you were not able to provide." Jane paused.
"And that is," pressed Darcy.
"Devotion," said Jane. "Elizabeth is of the opinion that Mr. Grinly will never hurt her. She is shaken as a result of this contradiction in feelings, both loving you and unable to trust you. Because of this, I now recognize the impertinence of saying that I would assist you in bringing an end to her engagement with Mr. Grinly."
Darcy closed his eyes and felt a disturbing darkness overwhelm him. Her words were almost lost on him as his mind recoiled from the knowledge that Elizabeth was rejecting him for fear of being hurt by him. He cursed himself for the susceptibility to guilt that caused him to listen to the words of a dead father and to reject the pleadings of a living heart. He deserved this. His behavior towards Elizabeth was reprehensible and warranted the severest rebuke. A rebuke he was ready to receive, but losing Elizabeth was something for which he was not prepared.
"It is Elizabeth's desire that you leave Hertfordshire. She believes that this is the only way for her to recover her peace of mind. She is committed to her engagement with Mr. Grinly and even now is assuring him of her desire to become his wife. Mr. Grinly realizes she does not feel all she ought, but is confident that he will earn her affection in the very near future."
Jane completed her message with, "I am sorry, Mr. Darcy. I know you love her, but you gave her up and now she belongs to Mr. Grinly."
How could he ever reconcile himself to this truth?
"Mrs. Bingley," demanded Mr. Darcy, "how is it possible for you to allow your sister to knowingly enter into a loveless marriage without making every effort to dissuade her? I made a mistake. I freely admit it. I was afraid. I was living in the shadow of my father and the expectations he placed on me. I have hurt everyone around me. I beg to be forgiven. I beg for the opportunity to love Elizabeth as she ought to be loved."
He had never felt himself so close to tears in a public setting as he did now. He was suffering under the panic of having all that was joy and goodness in his life taken away.
"Before my conversation with Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy, I might have agreed with you, but this is her decision, not mine."
Darcy was nearly horror struck.
Jane delivered the final blow. "If you truly love her, you will leave her."
He could not speak.
She continued. "Elizabeth will regain her happiness secure in the love of Mr. Grinly. Mr. Darcy, if you seek her happiness, help her secure it by removing yourself from her life."
Jane was finished. He had no choice but to go. If he resisted, he proved that he did not love her, a confession she knew he could not make.
Darcy stood, and after a glance at Bingley, a friend whom he would probably never see again, he looked directly at Mrs. Bingley. "I do love her, madam, and I will make every effort to secure her happiness, even if it destroys my own."
He strode half way across the room, then paused for a moment in front of the door into which Elizabeth had passed. Bidding her a silent farewell and knowing he would never see her again, he walked with a defeated step into the hall and up to his room to prepare for his departure.
Elizabeth said not a word on the trip back to Longbourn. The ride seemed longer than usual. She was not comforted by her decision to honor her engagement to Mr. Grinly. Perhaps she should ask Mr. Grinly for a long engagement, for a chance to free her mind and heart of Mr. Darcy. Eventually the pain would lessen and she would take pleasure in her new life as Mrs. Grinly. She thought they could be happy together, and someday they would. She would never forget Mr. Darcy or the passion she felt for him. Even now it was all she could do not to stop the carriage and run back to Netherfield and into his arms. Why did it have to hurt so much?
Grinly knew her mind was in turmoil. He sat back on the bench, keeping as much distance between them as possible, allowing her all the space that could be afforded so she could be alone with her thoughts. He knew that solitude would be her only relief at this moment.
He also knew that solitude may be his only relief, but he could not indulge in its luxury. Constance would soon be hurting, and he must be strong for her. She had been his strength through the dark hours of loneliness at Sappingford. He had hoped that Elizabeth would soon be the source of needed strength for Constance, and in return he would supply love and affection to his new wife, but he could not, would not, allow Elizabeth to marry him if she did not love him. It was obvious that Elizabeth loved Mr. Darcy, and he would not condemn her to a life of regret. It would only lead to misery for all of them.
On their arrival at Longbourn, Grinly handed Elizabeth out of the carriage and followed her into the house. She walked over to the bottom of the stairs and beckoned to him. He stepped near, and she moved in front of him. She raised a hand to his cheek and looked him deeply in the eye, then gave him a faint smile. He took her hand and kissed it.
Without a word, she climbed the stairs to her room. As she turned the corner and went out of sight, Grinly whispered to himself.
"Goodbye, Elizabeth."
Darcy wrote dozens of letters each week. They were letters of business, and the words came to his mind with ease. He could express himself well in all matters of the estate, contracts, purchasing new property, the concerns of his tenants and all money matters. All of these letters came easy to him.
But not now. Alone in his bedchamber in the middle of the dark night, he could find few words. In this letter to Elizabeth, he wanted to express to her his love, beg her forgiveness and wish her well. He knew he should not be writing it. It was not appropriate that he should do so and Mrs. Bingley would be angry if she knew of it, but he could not leave Elizabeth behind in Hertfordshire without being in her presence once more, even if it were only in a letter.
For the last time he kissed the purple ribbon and then slipped it into the envelope. She would understand its import. He hoped she would keep it, and from time to time think of him. He would never forget her or stop loving her.
He was to leave for town before dawn, and at such an early hour there was no one to see him off except the groom. He did not want to see Bingley. The pain of losing both his friend and Elizabeth in one blow would be exacerbated by a parting with him. Darcy had not returned to the drawing room the night before after Mrs. Bingley had asked him to leave Netherfield. Elizabeth and Jane's tie of blood would be stronger than he and Bingley's tie of friendship, and as it was impossible that he should ever find himself in company with Elizabeth again, his parting from Netherfield was a final parting from his friend.
As he stepped into his carriage, he handed the servant the letter and instructed him to deliver it immediately to Longbourn.
When the carriage pulled away, he turned for one last look at Netherfield. The agony in his mind burst forth and he wept.
Elizabeth rose early the next morning filled with resolve and determination to start her life anew with Mr. Grinly. She had spent the whole night thinking about her situation and after much thought, resolved to begin again. She would shower on him every attention and prove to him her commitment. As she entered the breakfast room, Mrs. Hill came up to her.
"A letter arrived quite early this morning for you, ma'am, from Netherfield," she said.
"From Netherfield?" Elizabeth's pale skin turned white and a tremble of uncertainty passed through her body.
"Yes, ma'am. A servant was here at first light, but as you seemed rather ill when you came in last night I though it best not to wake you," said Hill, trying not to notice that Elizabeth looked no better this morning. "Please forgive me if I..."
"No, no. Yes, I have been...ill, as you say," conceded Elizabeth. "Thank you for bringing me the letter." Mrs. Hill curtsied and moved away.
Elizabeth turned the missive over in her hands. It was directed to "Miss E.B., at Longbourn." There were no other markings on it that might identify the sender, but there was no mistaking that the handwriting was not Jane's.
Hiding the letter in the skirts of her dress she ran out the front door, crossed the paddock and took a seat on a little bench placed within a copse of trees. Her breathing was labored and her hands trembled as she attempted to break the seal, so much so that she dropped her letter.
As she bent down to retrieve it, it occurred to her that she was certain that the letter in her possession was from Mr. Darcy, and that she should not break the seal, but should present it unopened to Mr. Grinly as a sign of her commitment to him. She should ask him to read it and relay to her any message that Mr. Darcy might have for her. If it was another plea to her to reconsider his suit, it was something that she should not read, and by which she should not be influenced.
Yet Mr. Darcy had been such a friend to her, and indeed, had perhaps saved her life. And what of all that they had shared together? Did that not mean something? Did she not owe him the consideration to read what he had to say to her?
She opened the letter.
Netherfield, 3:00 A.M.Dearest Elizabeth,
I am returning this ribbon that has been with me from the beginning of our acquaintance and that you allowed me to keep after those precious few moments we spent together near the stream.
I loved you then, and I love you still, with all my heart. Please forgive me for allowing fear and uncertainty to come between us. Please forgive me for the pain I caused you. I hope that one day you will remember me with kindness.
By the time you receive this, I will be well on my way to London. I wish you every happiness, Elizabeth, in your new life with Mr. Grinly. He must be a good man if he was able to obtain your affection.
I remain, &c.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
He was gone. Mr. Darcy was gone. Somehow, she always thought he would be there, somewhere, and that perhaps she might see him from time to time. Of course, this was a silly notion, for she would soon be living in Wiltshire. By returning the ribbon, he had released her and surrendered her to Mr. Grinly. Her heart ached for Mr. Darcy, for she knew very well how he must be feeling, for she was feeling it as well.
Mr. Darcy loved her. She would not show the letter to Mr. Grinly, but she would destroy it. The ribbon she would keep as a remembrance to her of the love and happiness she once felt, and expected never to feel again.
Constance was alone in her room sitting on her the edge of her bed looking out the window waiting for Elizabeth, who had usually come by this time to help her dress. Today she had dressed alone. Constance was impatient to see her friend and be assured that all was well. She had retired before Elizabeth and her father had returned from Netherfield and did not know the outcome of that meeting, so the question remained, did Elizabeth love Mr. Darcy or her father?
The knock at the door she answered was not Elizabeth's herald, but her father's. She smiled a silent greeting to him as he entered the room. He was the first to speak.
"Constance, we will be leaving Longbourn tomorrow for Wiltshire," he said gently, sitting beside her on the bed. Her eyes grew large as she struggled for comprehension.
"And?" she asked. She knew what he was going to say. She could see it etched into his features. "Elizabeth?"
"Elizabeth and I will not be wed. She will not be coming with us."
I did not love you... The pain was still fresh. It was mortifying, to be sure, to have been so wrong about a person, especially in matters close to the heart.
"She loves him, does she not?" asked Constance. She did not have to repeat his name, they both knew who he was - the man who had ruined all their hopes. Constance could not be resentful, though, for she loved Elizabeth too much to blame her.
"Yes, she does," said Grinly. The confession gave him no comfort.
"Oh, Father!" she cried. He put his arm around her and she leaned her head against his shoulder.
"I knew she did not love me," said her father, " but I was hoping, in time, that she would. I cannot break the engagement, but it is out of my power to make her happy, and it is impossible for me to do anything that will make her otherwise."
"Will she end it?" she asked, startled at the revelation. "This might be damaging to her position in society."
"I have to trust that Mr. Darcy will preserve her," he replied. "I cannot do anything more than absent myself from her life."
"I had wanted so much..." Constance said through teary eyes. "I wish..."
"I, also, have wished ... Oh, Constance, I am so sorry. This is not the outcome I intended for us," interrupted her father. His heart ached for the disappointment his daughter was suffering. He was all too aware of her attachment to Elizabeth and the hopes she had placed on their future relationship.
"Have you spoken to her?" asked his daughter. She felt hollow at the prospect of returning to Wiltshire without Elizabeth.
"Not yet, but I cannot put it off any longer. I am sorry, Constance," he repeated as he stood to leave. "We will depart early and breakfast on the road."
"Yes, Father."
Elizabeth slipped Mr. Darcy's letter into her pocket, and after sitting on the bench quietly for a half-hour, was enough recovered to be able to go into the drawing room and wait with anticipation her next meeting with Mr. Grinly. With Thomas, she reminded herself. She wanted to come to a firm understanding with him, and arrange to be married just as soon as possible so that she could leave all the hurt behind her. He would take her into Kent, and then they would travel to Wiltshire. Elizabeth would ask Thomas if they could take Constance with them so that there would be no reason to return to Hertfordshire. She would miss seeing Jane, but there was no other way.
From her place in the drawing room, she heard heavy footsteps, and concluding that it was Mr. Grinly, she calmed herself as best as she could and then rose when he came in the room.
"Good morning, Thomas," she said brightly.
"Good morning, Miss Bennet," he replied. She frowned at his formality, but assumed that he felt distant from her because of her behavior the previous night. She was going to close that distance.
There was a look of concern about him and she could detect a feeling of discomfort.
"Will you sit with me, sir?" she asked, taking a seat herself, hoping to make him easy.
"No," replied Mr. Grinly, "please, forgive me." There would always be the fear of intrusion if they remained in the house. He knew he must take her where they would be undisturbed. "Perhaps we can go out into the garden?" he offered.
"I would like that."
She led him through the house, out the door and into the garden. They walked in silence as he followed her to the bench where she had been sitting the day he proposed to her. He did not misunderstand her meaning. She sat down, leaving room for him. The bench was protected from the view of the house by a large tree. Mr. Grinly chose not to sit, but leaned against the tree.
He knew not how to begin. He knew not how to tell her that he loved her, but could not marry her. He wanted to tell her...
Elizabeth interrupted his thoughts.
"Thomas, last night I thought a great deal about our wedding," she said smiling, "and I believe I would like to be married as soon as possible. I hope you will agree."
Mr. Grinly was astonished by this revelation. It was a resolution that he would have welcomed yesterday, but today he had better knowledge, and though it was a tempting offer, it could not sway his mind. He knew his decision was correct.
"Miss Bennet..."
He paused to look at her, and she could see a tide of pain wash over his face. A sense of foreboding sprung up in her mind.
"...I know that you still love Mr. Darcy."
Elizabeth was shocked into silence. Of course he knew, for she had told him, but hearing it from his lips was awful. The agony in his countenance communicated the pain that he felt and that his words could not fully describe.
Elizabeth raised her hand, as if to interrupt him, but he forestalled her. "Please, let me continue."
She saw him inhale deeply, then draw his hand across his face. "Your heart belongs to another, Miss Bennet." He paced away from her. "I fear that if we were to marry, you would come to regret your decision and learn to resent Constance and me. It will be impossible for me to secure your lasting happiness."
Elizabeth suddenly felt heavy and would have been unable to stir from the bench had she desired it. The enormity of what he was saying was nearly incomprehensible.
"Thomas, you can secure it!" she insisted. "I will be happy with you. I will!"
She closed her eyes for a moment to gather her thoughts. He observed her in silence and waited for her to speak.
"What you say is true," she said calmly, "but it does not mean I do not respect and esteem you. I am committed to you. I have promised myself to you, and I do want to marry you. I have chosen you, Thomas. In time, I will forget about him as I am surrounded by your affection and Constance's love. My love for Mr. Darcy has brought me nothing but heartache. I know that you will not hurt me, and that I am safe with you."
As she spoke, her strength returned and her courage rallied. She rose up and placed herself directly in front of him. "I will love you in time, Thomas, and I am truly sorry I do not now because you are a good, worthy man deserving of my affections. We shall be very happy together. I know we shall."
Yet even as she said the words, she recalled how she felt after reading Darcy's letter. If she were never to know love with Mr. Grinly, how could she ever know happiness?
"Miss Bennet," he said, "I know that Mr. Darcy hurt you..."
He stepped away from her as he felt his resolve weaken. Every instinct inside him called out to him to take her in his arms and hold her and love her just as much as he could and to be satisfied with whatever affection she could give him in return.
"...and only those for whom we feel the most love, Miss Bennet, only those who are most dear to us, can truly hurt us, but that does not mean we cease to love them."
For a moment, she could not speak as her mind turned to Mr. Darcy. Her next thought was as painful. He could just as easily be speaking of himself with regard to her.
"Which is to say, Thomas, that I have hurt you." She lowered her eyes. She was ashamed.
He would not respond. Yes, he did hurt and, yes, he did suffer, but he would not burden her.
"Remember the joy he brought you," said Mr. Grinly, "and the way you felt whenever you were with him. Think of the passion that is in his eyes when he looks at you."
"Forgive him," he went on. "Love him. That is where your happiness is to be found - with him. And that is where you belong." He never imagined that the ultimate expression of his love for her would be to give her up to another man.
She struggled to catch her breath, but could not.
"I am begging you, Elizabeth..."
She looked up at the sound of her name.
"...to agree to end our engagement. To end it for the sake of the happiness of us all."
Why did this feeling she was experiencing remind her of rolling down the hill with Jane when they were girls? It seemed as if she were falling and could not stop herself.
"I know it will cost you some embarrassment," he said, "and for a time will be uncomfortable, but in the end it will be the best for all concerned."
He ceased to speak and turned away from her.
As she silently acquiesced, her strength left her and she collapsed onto the bench.
"I am so sorry, Mr. Grinly," she cried. "I beg that you will forgive me, please forgive me."
He knelt in front of her. "Elizabeth, there is nothing to forgive. You have done nothing wrong." He could not, would not blame her. She had never intended to hurt him.
"Yes, I have. I have raised expectations in Constance, and in you. I know a little of what you must be feeling. I know that Constance will be deeply wounded," she said with a struggle. "How shall I bear knowing that I have hurt her?"
"I have already spoken to Constance," said Mr. Grinly, standing and moving a step back from Elizabeth, "and explained to her my sentiments. She is saddened, but composed, and she is in agreement with me."
"To what did she agree, sir?" asked Elizabeth, somewhat bewildered.
"That we cannot bring you the fulfillment and pleasure your life deserves, and because of that, our engagement should end, and we should not marry."
"What you truly mean," Elizabeth said bitterly, "is that I cannot bring you the happiness that you deserve," she said bitterly.
"No," he reluctantly agreed. "Not if your heart belongs to another."
He knew this would hurt, but he was determined to be honest with her. Elizabeth deserved to know that he was fully detached from any expectations concerning her. He wanted her to be free to accept Mr. Darcy's addresses.