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Chapter 39

Posted on Wednesday, 29 January 2003

It came as quite a surprise, then, when it was heard that Mr. Bingley was to come back to Netherfield in the autumn with a shooting party. Jane held out little hope that he had come to renew his addresses to her, and had so reconciled herself to that thought that she now appeared serene. But Elizabeth above all others could see through that calm exterior, and wondered of the actual reason for Bingley's return. This looked like someone else's doing, she thought, and she would find out somehow.

Mr. Bingley had been at Netherfield over a week now and had yet to send word that he planed to visit Longbourn, so Mrs. Bennet was beside herself with grief. She tested Jane serene countenance, with Jane trying to keep whatever melancholy feelings she had to a bare minimum, and attempted to stay as busy as may be to avoid any stray thought entering her reconciled mind that Bingley was merely a disinterested neighbor.

Elizabeth, it seems had her own feelings to sort out when the news of Bingley's arrival reached Longbourn. She knew that Darcy too would most likely come to Netherfield before long, and she still didn't know how to deal with all these new feelings of him since her return home. She wandered out in the nearby gardens to think things through. Jane had wandered there as well while trying to avoid listening to her mother's laments.

One look at Elizabeth's distraught face made Jane ask, "Lizzy, what is the matter?" She held her sister's hands and walked her over to the nearby bench. When Elizabeth failed to say anything or even look at her, Jane put her hand to her sister's chin and lifted it so that Elizabeth had to meet her eyes. "Lizzy, are you in love with someone who does not return that love?"

"Why of all the things that could be wrong would you ask me that, Jane?"

"Because I have seen that expression many times in the reflection of my own mirror," said Jane softly. "Please tell me, dear Lizzy what you feel for Mr. Darcy."

"I know not what I feel anymore. It is true for many months now I have grown to like his amiable side. When we were in Derbyshire I felt he was acting more accessible to me, but-"

"You still do not believe that he is capable of love?" Jane finished Lizzy's thought. She nodded. "But your opinion of him have changed, Lizzy." This was not a question, but rather a statement on Jane's part. Lizzy looked at her sister confused.

"Lizzy, I have known you all your life. Believe me when I say that you have never been in love until now."

Elizabeth began to protest, but Jane interrupted her. "Lizzy, you have inherited from our father the gift of wit and mirth, but you use it to keep gentlemen from being too close to you."

"That is preposterous. I enjoy the amusement of smart minds, and-"

"And, until Mr. Darcy came into the neighborhood you were smarter than most of those who took an interest in you. But Mr. Darcy challenged you with your own tactics, and you saw something in him that you had not seen in any other man of your acquaintance. You began to trust him enough to let him see the Lizzy who was behind your wit. And because you have never before let anyone as close, you are afraid." Elizabeth sighed.

"He cannot love me, Jane," was her reply to her sister. "He keeps his own barrier before him."

"Then the question that you must answer, dear Lizzy, is can you love him in spite of that."

"I never thought that I could love someone without it being returned," Elizabeth said softly.

"We cannot always dictate the responses of our hearts, Lizzy. And you have the added burden of wit to discern all the mismatched couples around you. Above all else you do not to wish make the same mistakes that ensured their unhappy marriages. That leaves you fearful to trust anyone with your heart."

"But do you not feel the same pain of unrequited love, Jane? Did you not love Mr. Bingley even a little?"

"Of course, I did, dear Lizzy," sighed Jane. "He was the most amiable man of my acquaintance, but he chose not to pursuit me, and I have accepted that. It was not meant to be." Jane gave not the smallest inkling that she felt any more than a passing admiration for the gentleman. "You seem to be the one conflicted with doubts, Lizzy."

"Oh Jane, what am I to say to him if he comes back with Mr. Bingley? What if he wants to renew his addresses? What am I to do?"

"You must decide if he is worth what you will give up by accepting him as he is," Jane said softly adding, "And then you must tell him, Lizzy."

"Yes, you are right, dear Jane," sighed Elizabeth as she hugged her sister tight, and whispered, "What would I do without your good advice?" Jane hugged her sister silently keeping her own counsel.

Mr. Bennet had been watching his two oldest daughters from his library window. Although he couldn't know the exact topic of discussion, he had enough wit about him to know that Lizzy was upset about something, and wondered if he should try to elicit the cause. He sighed and decided to wait a few more days before talking to her.

Back in London things were going according to the plan, and by the end of the week the marriage of Wickham and Lydia Bennet had taken place. As it turned out, Richard wasn't needed as reinforcements after all. It seemed that Wickham was either happy with his settlement or resigned to the fact of marriage, and gave Darcy no trouble at all. And even accepted with apparent sincerity Richard's letter of the purchase of a commission in the regulars, and made plans to join the regiment in Newcastle after he and Lydia traveled to Longbourn to visit with her family once more.

After being witness to Wickham's wedding that morning, Darcy met Richard at his townhouse. Richard was packing to return to his regiment with the now completed report for General Mayfield.

"Thank you, Richard for all your help with this incident," Darcy ventured offering him a brandy.

"I can hardly believe this business with Wickham is over at last," he replied pausing to swallow the brandy offered as both sat down in chairs in front of the fire.

"It will never truly be over," sighed Darcy, adding, "At regular intervals I am sure he will solicit for funds from us, or from me at least."

Richard nodded in agreement. "Because of Miss Elizabeth."

"What?"

"Wickham will solicit you through her because he is now her brother-in-law."

"Indeed?"

Richard stared at Darcy as though he had grown donkey ears and a tail. How could he be so dense? "Darcy, you are in love with her."

Darcy sighed and closed his eyes.

'Darcy, you are going to renew your addresses to her?"

Darcy opened his eyes, and stared at his cousin saying, "I had planned to talk to her of it when I came to the Inn that morning, but now I wonder it she could forgive me for all my interference in her family's life."

"You told me she seemed changed when she was in Derbyshire. You said you thought her opinion of you seemed softened."

Darcy was silent, which made Richard sigh. "Just give it some thought, Darcy. That is all I ask." Darcy nodded in order to put an end to this conversation rather than his agreement of it.

After Richard departed Darcy had but one last duty to perform before his conscious could be cleared from all his interference. He arrived at Netherfield that same afternoon just after Bingley had returned with his party from a days shooting. Darcy knew he had to be back in London for a business meeting the next morning, but wanted a chance to talk with Bingley and hope one day to be forgiven. With trepidation Darcy entered the study, and was greeted only by Bingley as the men he had brought with him were in the billiards room. His sisters thankfully had remained in town.

"Darcy, this is a surprise. I had no idea you wished to join me, or I would have told you of my plans."

"I was surprised when I had heard of your return to Netherfield after last year," ventured Darcy tentatively.

"Well," began Bingley looking down as he scuffed his boot on a chair leg. "The game is excellent here and I enjoyed the weather when we arrive last year. I would have included you if I had known you were not embroiled in estate business as usual. You know my invitations always extends to you."

Bingley's voice was jovial, but only a close friend like Darcy could distinguish the undertones of sadness. To Darcy it was clear that Bingley was not yet over his admiration with the lovely Miss Bennet, and Darcy sighed as he realized how wrong he had been to his dear friend.

"I am not so sure it would be so now or in the future after I enlighten you of an error on my part that concerns you."

Bingley looked at Darcy with apprehension and noticed his friend fidgeting with his signet ring, a clear sign that Darcy had dire news to relate.

"Well, speak up, Darcy. Or do you need a drink to fortify you?" He motioned to the brandy carafe with snifters on a side table, but Darcy shook his head.

"I think I would rather have a clear head when I say what I have come to tell you."

Bingley seldom heard Darcy speak in such a serious tone, which caused the younger man to wonder of the news Darcy had yet to relate. He removed his kerchief and wiped his sweaty palms knowing that Darcy was not one to worry unnecessarily.

"Sit down then, and tell me what you must." They sat in twin leather wingbacks by the fireplace. Bingley looked into Darcy face expecting something dreadful.

"Last fall when I warned you against marriage to Miss Bennet, I was under the impression that she held no partiality for you."

"Yes," Bingley sighed. "I recall the entire conversation, and I must say I felt overwhelmed at the way all of you rallied to that theme." It was obvious that Bingley was still upset with his sisters and Darcy and didn't want to talk more of it. He looked down at the handkerchief in his hand, his thumb caressing one of the lovely flowers in the corner.

"I was wrong," Darcy admitted finally. He looked at Bingley to make sure the younger man was listening. "I now have it on good authority that Miss Bennet no only had a partiality for you, but a true caring for you as she had for no other."

Bingley's eyes nearly popped out and his mouth hung open, his hand now clutching the handkerchief tightly. "She...loved me?"

"Yes, Bingley. And I believe she still does so."

"But ... you did not have this information when you talked me into staying away after last November? If that is what you came to tell me, then know I can forgive you for trying to look out for my interests."

"There is one more confession I must make."

"What?" Bingley asked somewhat distracted now as he gazed from the handkerchief and wondered what he should do as regards its seamstress. He remembered what Elizabeth had tried to tell him when she was at Pemberley about the stitching taking such a long time to be made perfect that only one handkerchief had been made, the one for him.

"I had knowledge of her being in London during the winter months and kept it from you as well."

Bingley came out of his wonderings with a sudden rush of just what Darcy had said. "You did what?"

"She visited your house when I was there, but she did not see me. Your sisters attended her."

"She came to see me all those months ago? Caroline never mentioned that she had come. If I had known then I..." Several emotions played across Bingley's face in quick succession, first surprise followed by unbelief, and then finally anger. The anger in Bingley's face was terrible for Darcy to behold in a man so gentle. Darcy swallowed.

Bingley rose and paced the entire room, his fists flexing and unflexing, and his face livid with rage. He panted to help himself calm. Darcy knew Bingley was justified in his rage, and remained silent to let Bingley's mind sift through all that had been revealed.

"How could you all do that to her?" Bingley whispered to himself in a quiet rage.

The conspiracy against so wonderful a woman by his own trusted friend and family made Bingley so enraged that he slammed his fist onto table sending books and metal plates bouncing to the floor with a clatter. Darcy stood up silently knowing he would be asked to leave and never come back. Bingley rubbed his now throbbing hand and refused to look at his friend. Darcy offered one last apology.

"Bingley, I was in the wrong. I should never have interfered."

Charles had his back to his life long friend, not believing he could be responsible for an act that caused Jane so much unhappiness, not to mention him self. He looked down at the handkerchief now crushed and wrinkled in his hand. Again he caressed the lovely forget-me-nots, and imagined Jane's face smiling at him in what he now knew was love for him. The image of her kind face softened his heart, quelled his anger.

"You ... admit ... YOU ... were in the wrong?" Bingley's back was still turned, his voice trying to stay stern.

When Bingley realized that Darcy could be wrong about anything it made Charles realize that he could trust his own judgment more.

"Utterly, and completely." Darcy wasn't sure, but thought he heard his friends voice brighten. Then he heard his friend laugh.

Bingley's unabashed smile had returned to his face as he looked up to his now forgiven friend.

"Then I have your blessing?"

"Do you need my blessing?" Darcy asked feeling the enormity of sentiment that Bingley must have in order to forgive him.

"No," replied Bingley realizing he could make his own decisions, but also realizing that he wanted his best friend to share in his happiness. "But I should like to have it all the same."

Darcy smiled, " Then you have it." They hugged each other as brothers. "Thank you for forgiving me, Bingley. You are a true friend."

"Now that you are here, why do you not stay awhile?"

"No, I have been neglecting my business affairs for far too long. I truly need to be back in town for a meeting in the morning." They walked out the front door together.

He entered his carriage to return to London. He heard Bingley calling for his horse as the carriage went through the gate. At least Bingley can be happy in love, he thought.

It was not fifteen minutes later that Bingley was being escorted into the Longbourn parlor, and Mrs. Bennet gushing to him.

"I thought you had all but forgotten us by now, sir," she said about sending word of his arrival.

"No, no, I could never forget any of you," replied Bingley shyly glancing in the direction of Jane who smiled sweetly at him. The only thing to give away her countenance was a rosy blush rising to her cheeks.

"No, of course not, Mr. Bingley," replied Mrs. Bennet.

"And are you to be in the neighborhood for long, sir?" asked Mrs. Bennet carrying on the whole conversation for her family.

"I ... have not made any fixed plans as such, no. I know not how long I shall stay," he replied sweetly but Elizabeth could tell he was somewhat at a loss. It was clear that he wished to speak privately to Jane for he kept looking in her direction, but was too polite to ask.

"Of course, you will stay for dinner. I insist, Mr. Bingley for you owe us one, you know," continued Mrs. Bennet hoping to keep the man at Longbourn as long as possible.

"Yes, of course I will join you if you wish," Bingley accepted gladly.

Before her mother could say something else, Elizabeth asked, "Mother, while we still have the light, perhaps we could all take a turn in the garden. The fall flowers are lovely yet."

"Well, I-," began Mrs. Bennet.

"I think ... that is a splendid idea," answered Bingley, adding, "I perhaps can get some ideas as to adding to the Netherfield garden. Shall you take a turn with us, Miss Bennet?" he asked of Jane.

She smiled and rose from her chair stating softly, "Yes, I would like to take a turn in the garden with Lizzy and Mr. Bingley."

Mrs. Bennet didn't know if this was a good idea or not. Surely Mr. Bingley would like to have a private moment with Jane if matrimony was his purpose, so she couldn't let them roam around the grounds with Lizzy. "Kitty, you will join your sisters too," she commanded her younger daughter who sighed and nodded. Elizabeth smiled and rose following the couple and her younger sister out the parlor doors and into the back gardens.

Mrs. Bennet touched her hand and whispered, "Take Kitty aside and give Mr. Bingley his moment. It is all going according to my plan." She tried not to peek out the window.

No reply was needed for the statement, except for Elizabeth to arch her eyebrows in surprise, but she was more than willing to comply if it meant that Jane and Mr. Bingley could talk. She interlocked her arm with Kitty's, and steered her over the far edge of the aster bushes in full bloom while Mr. Bingley and Jane headed for the other corner already in deep conversation.

"What are you doing, Lizzy? Why are you pushing me?"

"I merely wanted to give our sister some privacy, Kitty."

"Privacy? What on earth for? It's not as though he is going to propose-! Lizzy, is he going to propose?"

"I am not certain, but I think that is his plan. Shall we watch from a distance, then or avert our eyes?"

"I prefer to watch since I have never actually seen anyone proposed to. How romantic."

"Shhhh, they will hear you," admonished Elizabeth walking the far path of the garden with Kitty, both of whom couldn't help but watch the proceeding.

Bingley took Jane's hand and talked to her softly. Jane's serene countenance that had been so prominent the past few months melted into the most radiant smile imaginable as she nodded. Now Bingley took something out of his breast pocket to show to Jane who covered her mouth in a gasp, and began to cry. He dabbed her face with his cherished handkerchief to dry her tears, and ventured to kiss her cheek. Jane smiled back and looked at her feet, and then back into his face and smiled again. He asked her something else and she nodded, and took his offered arm as they made their way back towards the house. Both of them were beaming when they reached the door greeted by Elizabeth and Kitty. Elizabeth hugged Jane, and shook Mr. Bingley's hand. He still had his handkerchief in his hand as he smiled broadly at her. He left them to go talk with Mr. Bennet in the library while all three girls hugged each other, happy.

"He loves me," Jane gushed. "He said he always loved me, and that he never knew I had been in town during the winter. Lizzy, he loves me."

"Of course he does, dear Jane. Who could not?" Elizabeth said hugging her oldest sister again. "You deserve to be so happy."

"Oh, Jane, I am so happy for you," sighed Kitty. "It is so romantic. I hope a dashing young man asks me to marry him one day." She sighed again.

"I am sure they will one day, Kitty," Jane said hugging her.

"Oh, I must go tell Mary. She will be green with envy I am sure," exclaimed Kitty rushing off upstairs.

Jane looked into Elizabeth's eyes and her smile dampened a bit. "I wish you could be this happy, Lizzy." She took Elizabeth's hands, squeezing them.

Elizabeth shook her head and smiled, and said, "Until I have your goodness, I could not have your happiness, Jane. You deserve it."

Just then they heard a screech from down the hallway, and Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Come. Let us see what our mother is about."

It was not a week afterwards that a letter came from Netherfield to the Darcy townhouse. He smiled at the ink splotches and scratched out words on the address, knowing it was from Bingley. It stated that Jane Bennet and Bingley had become engaged and would Darcy come at once to visit him again. Of course, he wrote back. He would join him in a fortnight. Then his thoughts turned to Elizabeth. Now that he had made amends, maybe he could face her again, and perhaps she could forgive him for his interference that had caused her family so much hardship. Maybe she would still be open to his friendship. Maybe she would even allow him to talk to her about renewing his addresses to her as he had wished to do in Lambton before the consequences of his interference had resulted in her hasty departure.

Chapter 40

Posted on Saturday, 1 February 2003

As promised, Darcy came within two weeks to congratulate Bingley on his engagement. Netherfield was lively with the news of the impending wedding that was a reflection on its owner's happiness. Of course, Bingley suggested a visit to Longbourn to see his intended inviting Darcy along. He was more than happy to oblige, but with some disquiet about seeing Elizabeth again. He thought, if they could but have a time to discuss all that had transpired recently maybe then they could come to some kind of understanding.

After they were ushered into the parlor Bingley was greeted with ever flowing gratitude by Mrs. Bennet while Darcy was greeted a little less cordiality. He sighed and withstood the liveliness of the Bennet family with his normal reserved manner walking to his usual place by the window. He glanced toward Elizabeth who steadfastly refused to look up from her embroidery, and could tell by the paleness of her cheeks just how uncomfortable she was, still so lovely.

When Mrs. Bennet asked him a direct question, trying to make some little conversation with the reticent man, Darcy had to pull his eyes away from Elizabeth.

"And did you come with Mr. Bingley for the hunting season, Mr. Darcy?" Mrs. Bennet asked.

He looked at Mrs. Bennet and smiled. "No, Madam. My intentions were otherwise engaged. I did not come to hunt wildlife."

He stole a second glance at Elizabeth who had a glow of blush on her cheeks, and he saw her swallow, still refusing to look at him.

When Bingley suggested to Jane a walk into Meryton, Mrs. Bennet thought it a grand idea, and remarked that perhaps Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth and Kitty should go as well. She realized that when Mr. Bingley and Jane entered the village everyone would know of the wonderful news and the gossip mill would start. Another daughter married, she thought and smiled.

Elizabeth chanced to glance toward Darcy who stared back at her silently. She immediately looked away as she rose to retrieve her bonnet. She had been nervous about Darcy's arrival in the neighborhood, and of his accompanying Mr. Bingley to Longbourn. And she appeared apprehensive at being in his company presently, but felt with such a large group the conversation could only be light. As the girls gathered in the foyer to get their bonnets, gloves, and jackets she felt a gentle squeeze on her arm.

"All will be well, dear Lizzy," Jane whispered sensing Elizabeth's growing anxiety.

"Yes," whispered back Elizabeth smiling remembering that was a phrase Darcy said to help her out of her episode of fear, and it did calm her a bit.

"I shall be fine," she said smiling at Jane, trying to ease her sister's mind, but she couldn't ease her own completely. She didn't know what would happen at this first meeting with Darcy after he had left her at the inn in Lambton.

They were all ushered from the house, and began to walk down the lane. Charles and Jane, who normally weren't fast walkers, soon outpaced their chaperons in order to have some semblance of privacy. The distance between the now two groups made it impossible for conversation between the older sisters.

The silence between Elizabeth and Darcy was making the tension extreme for her although Kitty was totally oblivious.

When they reached the lane to Lucas Lodge Kitty stopped the two with, "Lizzy, I would like to call on Mariah for awhile. Do you mind walking to Meryton without me?"

"That would be fine, Kitty," replied Elizabeth before she realized she would be alone with Darcy. "Just ... make sure you are back to the house in about an hour."

"Thank you," answered Kitty already turning into the lane to Lucas Lodge.

Elizabeth stood there watching Kitty's progress afraid to move, afraid to speak, afraid to look his way. Darcy waited for her patiently, hoping that her distress would be relieved once they had the opportunity to talk. Finally she sighed and began to walk down the lane once more with Darcy not two feet beside her, too close and yet too far.

She had been so confused about her feelings of late, but after her conversation with Jane had finally come to some conclusions. She needed to tell him how she now felt about him, that he meant more to her than merely a trusted friend. And if friendship was the only feeling he could return, then she could now relinquish her pledge about only marrying for love and accept whatever he could give her. She cared for him so dearly now that she could accept him as he was, and she had to think of a way to begin. And did so with the most pleasant thought she could imagine at the moment.

"Mr. Bingley and Jane seem to be quite happy now that they are reunited," she said while looking down the lane. She glanced at him adding, "Of course, YOU had nothing to do with it."

He smiled, keeping his eyes on the lane ahead. He ventured a glance her way, and met her eyes sparkling in the morning light, but remained silent for the moment as they continued to walk.

Elizabeth pulled her eyes away looking down the lane again and replied further, "I see you hand in making this come about." They walked along silently for a few more paces.

He finally took a deep breath and said, "I ... merely told him of my mistaken observation of her indifference ... as well as my interference of last winter. He took his own initiative."

When she saw a shadow cross his face she ventured, "He must have been quite put out with you."

"I never again wish to see him so," he said softly still feeling the sting of having hurt his dearest friend.

"But he has since forgiven you all your transgressions, it seems," she added gazing at him until he was forced to look at her. Her smile was contagious, and he returned it.

"Yes, Bingley is a most amiable man. I could not have a more loyal friend," Darcy admitted.

"Loyal friends are important to you, then?" she asked.

"Indeed. There are few relationships more important than those of friends," he acknowledged, wondering where the conversation would lead, but she said no more of it, and they continued to walk down the lane. She glanced at him again wanting to broach another topic she wished to discuss, but didn't know how else to begin.

"Sir, I also wanted to thank you," she began, feeling his eyes on her. "I want to thank you for all you have done for our family...as regards Lydia."

He stopped walking and sighed, knowing now that she had found out about his involvement in her sister's marriage. He looked around for some privacy in order to explain, and noticed a small side path in the lane. He motioned her to walk it with him.

They strolled along for a good ways until they came to a log bench. He motioned to it and took her hand to help her sit down, releasing it afterwards. He removed his hat and sat down beside her. Placing his hat on the bench he glanced over at her, and she could tell he was frustrated. He took off his gloves and put them in his upturned hat, and then sat silently, hands in his lap with his fingers interlaced, and his index fingers steepling. It took him awhile before he found the correct words to explain, and he turned to her at last and spoke.

"I had not wished anyone to know of my...aid in having the marriage come about. I realize it was not the best solution due to the fact that Wickham had no partiality for your sister, and agreed to the marriage only because of the settlement, but I saw no other way out the scandal. Your sister at least seemed to have a regard for him, so it may yet work out for them."

He rose and stood facing her adding, "Since it was through my insistence that you not reveal Wickham's character to the town, I felt it also my responsibility to remedy the situation. I was told that no one would be aware of my role in it." He stopped, folded his arms as he faced her, disappointed that the Gardiners had betrayed him.

She looked up to him and smiled. "It was Lydia who betrayed it. Only then did I insist that my aunt tell me the remainder. I did not tell anyone else in our household after my aunt disclosed it to me, so you need not fear anyone gushing gratitude's in your direction." He knew exactly to whom she was referring.

"I thank you for that," he replied smiling unfolding his arms now knowing that at least Elizabeth would be able to keep his trust.

She took off her gloves and set them beside her on the bench because her hands were becoming too warm. Then she looked up to him smiling. She knew he would always be there for her in any need, like his friendship with Bingley, like her friendship with Jane. She could always depend on him, and realized that because she cared for him so dearly, it would be enough for her. In her head she heard Jane's voice saying 'tell him, Lizzy.' She had to let him know. She said,

"But realize that I am aware of it, William, and I thank you for saving our family honor." She took a deep breath and added, "I ... also wish you to know how much your friendship has meant to me over this passed year, and how much it is requited. You have helped me in so many ways, that I know I will always look to you as someone ... for the rest of my life I will cherish and greatly regard." Her eyes locked on his.

He couldn't believe what she had just said. All his hopes and prayers had been answered in what he heard in her words. She never mentioned the word love, he thought, but clearly wants me to renew my addresses to her. Oh, God, thank you. He reached for her hands and pulled her up to stand before him.

She put her arms around his chest and hugged him tightly. He hesitated, and then felt his arms embrace her. He closed his eyes savoring her closeness, breathing in her scent. He thought, even though she doesn't love me I can make her content with me at Pemberley. I will love her, as I never have another woman save one. To have her with me I will do this, risk all, and maybe then she can love me back if just a little. If this is what she wants of me, then I will give it to her, give her everything. And he finally gave up his vow.

His hand caressed her cheek, and then pulled her head to his and he brushed his lips lightly over hers. Then looking into her eyes and seeing encouragement, he deepened the kiss revealing some of his passion of her.

It started slow with a warm soft lingering kiss, his other hand cradling her head. Her lips were so wonderful now that he tasted them. Her scent tantalized him and his head clouded over and he felt dizzy. He could feel her responding to him, tiny puffs of air on his cheek as her breath quickened. He could the heat from her hands on his back even through his coat.

Then his feelings of love were overwhelmed by his feelings of need. His kisses transmitted the desperate passion of his years of the repressed desire at ever finding someone to whom he could love unconditionally.

She was the one I have been waiting for all these years, he thought as he clung to her, kissing her lips and cheeks. The ribbons of her bonnet had loosened to reveal her sweet neck, which he covered with warm wet kisses.

He began to fall into an abyss again, but not the one of fear. This was one of the deepest kind of love that his heart could bear. He fell hopelessly, even willingly into it.

When he finally had to stop in order to breathe, one arm pulled her tightly against him. His other held her head against his, his lips close to her ear. He whispered in a raspy voice, his body trembling against hers.

"My God, Elizabeth. First you bewitched my horse. Now its rider as well."

Elizabeth too was reeling from the flood of emotions churning throughout her body. She panted as she thought she had never felt this overwhelmed, never felt this out of control. It terrified her to have him this close and wanting her so desperately.

She thought, I have never even so much as kissed a man and now I kiss him with such abandon that I do not even know myself. This is too frightening. I should never have let him kiss me, but I wanted him to, allowed him to, and then couldn't stop myself from responding to him.

She pulled her arms from around him, but he did not release her. She put her hands on his chest trying to push him away. She began to pant again. He sensed her fear, looked questioningly at her downcast eyes.

"Please," she whispered.

"Elizabeth?" he asked. "What is the matter?"

"You-you-you... kissed me," she panted; her eyes showing fear that he had only seen when she had her episode with Sampson.

He was confused at first by her reaction and concerned by her fears directed toward him, but tried to allay them with a slight smile.

"Yes, we kissed. You ... seemed to enjoy the experience," he whispered hopefully.

"You-you kissed me like-like we were-were-were ... oh, God! Oh no ! Oh please !" She stammered. She was still pushing against him.

He realized that his desperate passions had frightened her and he immediately took his arms from around her but kept hold of her hands.

"I am so sorry, Elizabeth," was his soft reply. "Please forgive me. I should never have let myself get so lost in you." He could feel her still pulling trying to get her hands free.

"Elizabeth," he repeated trying to make her hear his words. "I am truly sorry that my actions frightened you. I will release your hands, but promise me you will not to dart away in a panic?" He would never forgive himself if she were harmed because of his actions.

Her fears abated enough for her to reason, and she noticed that he seemed to have an overwhelming concerned for her safety. She was still panting loudly, as she looked in his eyes and nodded. He squeezed her hands and released them. She was free and could run from him. But one look into his concerned face caused her to simply back away a few paces. She hugged herself and they stood facing each other silently.

She slowed her breathing a bit, and then finally could manage to get her words out.
"What...what just happened? Why ... did you kiss me ... that way?"

He had a look of desperation in his eyes. He had to make her understand somehow. He had to make her see what it had been like for him all these years.

He began with, "When I saw the desire in your eyes telling me to continue I.... began to believe ... began to hope ... began to fall ... into ... into ... into..." He stopped and closed his eyes and swallowed hard trying to calm himself. He used his hand to wipe the sweat from his brow, and she noticed that his hands had begun to shake and his breathing became shallow pants. His heart pounded so that his chest began to hurt. He made his hands into fists to keep them from shaking so.

"Forgive me. It has been many years since I have experienced such a... depth of..."

Elizabeth could tell by the tone of his voice and the way his hands shook that he was about to have an episode equal to if not greater than her own. She instinctively knew he wanted to reveal a profoundly private part of himself that lay hidden under years of repression. She could tell he was trying to hold himself together, trying to hold on to a slender thread of sanity.

She steeled herself of her own worries, and breathed deeply to calm her voice in order to help him. She forced her trembling to lessen as she drew into her well of courage.

She heard her calm voice say, "I am here, William."

"You are safe with me."

She stepped toward him and gently touched his face with her hands to make him focus on her. "Listen to my voice."

"Breathe. Just breathe, William."

"I am with you. Calm yourself."

"I will not leave you, William. I promise."

He heard her gentle voice and focused on her words to help him back. He felt her arms engulf his frame with a strength he had no idea she possessed. The episode that could have been much worse began to abate. She waited for him as he had done for her, not forcing him to speak, but waiting for him to come back from the edge of the abyss.

It took him several minutes to calm himself, slow his breathing, and get control of himself enough to speak. When at last he looked down into her face in a determined way she knew he was ready to continue. She pulled herself away and folded her arms and faced him as she sat down once more on the log bench. He did likewise, took a long deep breath and began.

Chapter 41

Posted on Wednesday, 5 February 2003

"Elizabeth, you deserve to know everything now, so I will start at the beginning." Darcy looked into the trees but was remembering a time passed. He closed his eyes and thought aloud.

"My childhood was happy with parents who loved me dearly and had a great respect and admiration for each other. Their love permeated the entire household like a fragrant scent. All was joy and contentment." He paused, looking over to her to make sure he had her full attention.

"I loved and respected my father immensely, and it was through his guidance that I am much the man you see before you today. But there was a special bond between my mother and myself that perhaps comes from being an only child. It is difficult to express in words the depths of that bond because they would be too inadequate, but I will try to explain.

We shared the same interests and views of the world. But it was even more than that. While still a child I noticed that we had some deeper connection in that we could almost know each other's thoughts, sense each other's presence, predict the others actions. I could feel her boundless love for me, and knew her faith in me was unshakeable. It was through both their guidance and faith in me that I grew into a confident boy of the age of ten in a house of wealth, love and respect."

Then his eyes clouded over with the memory. "When she became with child again both my father and I were ecstatic. I had always wished for a sibling to share my life. Then her health began to fail. The doctors thought at first it was due to the baby, but after Georgiana was born, my mother's health did not improve. "

He closed his eyes and found it hard to talk about his most personal tragedy, but tried to continue. "She was ill for years slipping slowly away from us each day. My father and I took turns attending her, reading to her, telling her all the goings on at the estate. As Georgiana grew into a toddler it was my duty to keep her amused and quiet around my mother. I adored my sister and was happy to be with her.

My father, of course, had all the best doctors come to the house, and so I was always confident that she would be made well again. I think she had also begun to hide her own fears regarding her declining health from me, and kept her hopes of a complete recovery so actively in her conscious that I had always believed it too. So when Georgiana was five and my wonderful mother passed away suddenly in her sleep I was in shock, and at first did not believe it. I kept asking to see her, to talk to her, but my father was so devastated he would not let me near her, not giving me a chance to say my farewells."

Remembering having wanted to go to his mother and hold her, say good-bye, feel her presence one last time, Darcy looked down at his arms, and felt their emptiness like a great void. All those feelings of loss that he had never dealt with, but had hidden away for all these years flooded back into his conscious mind as almost a physical pain. He took all his strength not to sob aloud as his eyes misted. He folded his arms mimicking Elizabeth, swallowed, and then stood up, and took a few deep breaths in order to continue.

"My whole family was in despair. Even Aunt Catherine was so distraught that she could not be consoled. I had never felt such misery within my household. Moreover my connection to my mother had been severed so suddenly that never in my life had I felt so alone, so lost at no longer sensing her presence."

He looked into Elizabeth's eyes and added, "And the funeral was to be attended by multitudes from far and wide, my mother being revered by all who had known her as one of the most benevolent human being, much like your sister, Jane."

He closed his eyes and said, "We were at the church amongst this...crush of mourners when the onslaught of symptoms began my first episode. Neither my father nor my uncle knew what was happening when I began to shake violently. My mind was reeling, and I knew not who nor where I was. My chest hurt so, I was terrified that, like my mother I was dying somehow." He opened his eyes and stared at Elizabeth and continued. "I was just a youth, so I did not have the capacity of logic to help me separate reality from wild imagination. I remember ranted, and crying as an infant, and shaking so uncontrollably it took both men to hold me. "

Here he paused and sighed remembering that fateful day. He sat back down on the log bench, and then he continued. "The doctor was called, and I was given increasing amounts of laudanum before my symptoms finally abated. The effect of the drug upon my body had been so strong as to be incapacitating, and my family thought it best for me to be put to bed while my mother's funeral took place and her body interred in the crypt. It was only later that I learned from Mrs. Reynolds who had attended me, that I had be in that drug induced sleep for days, and that by the time I came again to my senses the entire funeral service as well as the week of mourners visiting the house had past. I had not even been able to be there to support my father when he needed me most. I have visited my mother's grave often since that day, but always felt the guilt of not being able to attend her funeral and help my father through it."

He shook his head and added, "And ever since the day of her funeral crowds have been-"

"I understand," was all the response she gave, and all that was needed for encouragement to continue. She finally knew the source of his dread. And this was why he created his proud snobby Mr. Darcy side, to hide that fear.

"My father, who had been so healthy and robust was never the same after her death, and withdrew from me. I had always assumed it was because of the incident at the funeral that he viewed as some weakness in me."

She ventured a question. "But now you feel differently about his withdrawal from you?"

His eyes gazed at her for a few seconds before he looked again at the ground, and kicked a pebble with his boot.

"Only recently have I realized it was the depths of his despair over my mother's death that caused him to pull away, and take solace in those things not connected with the family."

"That was how he chose to cope with his loss?" she asked. Darcy nodded.

"But even that did not suppress his anguish. Truly, I know not how he lasted as long as he did except he knew he had to be strong for Georgiana and I." Darcy closed his eyes adding,

"We were thankful that she was so young and therefore did not think she felt our mother's loss as deeply as I. But she missed her in ways I could never understand. As her guardian I know that my care of her has been wanting, but I knew not how much until the incident at Ramsgate. It was only then that I realized how much she had needed our mother." He sighed.

"As for myself, when she died, I felt my life was over. Nothing brought me joy or pleasure. At fifteen, I felt as my father did, a mere shell of a person just going through life, putting one foot in front of the other without purpose. I did all things asked of me, but it was not like being alive. I went to school, and when my classes were interesting enough to let me forget all the sadness for a while, I would later have such remorse and guilt over those short respites. "

Darcy let out a sigh and paused to be able to finish telling her his family's story. He stood facing her, folding his arms across his chest as he continued.

"After a few years, I finally began to take an interest in a things again, and noticed that the estate was suffering due to the lack of my father's interest. He still could not manage to keep his mind on the business for long.

I seemed to have a talent for it, and so was encouraged by my uncle, Lord Matlock to take on some of the responsibilities of running Pemberley. With him as mentor I kept the estate running. I poured all my efforts into the task, stayed as busy as possible to suppress all that pain, and was pleased to see it prosper through all my hard work. I even began to feel some enjoyment with natural things such as walking and riding, losing my self in books again.

My father was never the same. He passed away but five years ago, and it was only today, after all these years, that I finally understand him completely. I had known of his despair when she died, but only today did I realized how deeply he must have loved her, and how his very soul must have died the day of my mother's death."

He glanced over to her and said, "I have never told anyone what I have just told you, not to my closest friends, not even Georgiana."

She looked into his eyes confused, and asked, "Why then would you tell me?" He unfolded his arms and looked at her with a fixed stare.

"Because I need you, above all others to understand. When my mother died, I made a promise to myself. Upon my father's death, I reaffirmed that promise that I vowed never to break. And I have kept it all these years...until today."

She could see him clench his hands into fists to keep them from trembling.

There was a deafening silence that made Elizabeth speak. "What promise?"

Silently he stared into her eyes, fists still clenched, but his face with full of anxiety.

Chapter 42

Posted on Saturday, 8 February 2003

"I promised to never again let my heart be as open, so to never risk feeling that unbearable pain of loss again. I vowed I would ... never ... love anyone so deeply as he loved her."

At first she didn't realize what he had just reveal to her, but her face changed when the recognition of his words registered on her mind. She blinked her eyes.

"You ... you love me?" she whispered afraid to move, afraid to breathe. His eyes told her it was so.

"Desperately ... hopelessly ... with all my heart ...with my very soul, Elizabeth," he replied.

All the months of denial were over. The barrier was down, and he stood there now opened to her alone.

Silence. Motionless. An eternity passed between them. He closed his eyes and sighed.

She does not love me back, he thought. I am doomed.

And then in the next second she had flown into his arms. She held his face in her hands and kissed his cheeks and mouths in soft desperate kisses of her own. His arms embraced her again, responding in kind.

"I was hoping ... I was so afraid ... I wanted you to ... but then I thought you were ...when you let go of me ... I could not bear it ...Oh, William, " Her speech between kisses made no sense to Darcy, but she was kissing him.

"I love you too," she finally whispered, "totally, completely, beyond all measure."

As he held her tightly he trembled with a fearful excitement that he had never experienced in his life. Until today he had never allowed himself to feel this kind of love that consumed his entire being. It was terrifying, like the abyss he used to fall into when his fear took over him. It frightened him to his very core to be this dependent on her love.

She pulled her head away from his chest and she whispered softly, "William, I have always been so afraid to trust anyone this much. I have never felt so..."

"Vulnerable," he finished her sentence as well as her thought. It was then that he realized she felt just as fearful as he to love another person so totally. She looked up into his eyes and he smiled at her. She smiled back through eyes misted with tears knowing each had committed one to the other to brave the depths of this terrible love that was so frightening and wonderful at the same time.

Putting his head down she let him give her a wonderfully long lingering kiss that finally dispelled all their desperation, and left only passion.

"You have made me more happy than I have ever been," he whispered back never wanting to stop holding her, one of his hands around her waist to pull her even tighter against him, the other caressing her neck, pulling off her loosened bonnet so that he might touch those curls that had long teased him.

She became just as ecstatic in her responses, as her arms moved up from his chest to around his neck. As she let him kiss her again, she thought, I couldn't bear to be without him now. She tangled her fingers in his hair as they kissed.

He felt a flood of emotion surge through him, and he let it wash over his senses as though a great ocean wave. He could scarcely breathe. It left him powerless to stop especially when he could feel Elizabeth's response to his kisses and caresses. Her lips were so soft against his, and tasted so wonderful. Her lavender scent filled his head with thoughts of making love to her in a meadow. Her skin tortured his hands and lips with its sweetness, its softness as he pulled her collar open to finally kiss her neck. He found a wonderful place it's base that when he kiss it, she shivered and gasped, pushed her body against his, inviting, encouraging him to continue, as she gripped his coat for support.

Finally he knew they had to stop before he felt so compelled to consummate their love he might have done so on this very spot regardless of who might happen by. He leaned his forehead next to hers both of them panting and smiling, trembling but trying to control themselves. Held her head in his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheeks, wiping away her tears of joy.

"Marry me, Elizabeth," he panted out. "Marry me this day, and let me take you to our home, to Pemberley." His hands moved to caress her back and down to her waist.

"Mmmmmm, much as I would like to give in to that very inviting temptation, we cannot be so selfish to our friends and family," she panted back hugging him tightly but trying to not let his caresses overwhelm her again.

"Hang them all," was his response. He wanted to, but did not allow his lips to touch hers again for he would truly be lost. He contented himself with simply hugging her, his hands caressing her and his head resting on her shoulder. Both of them panting, clinging to each other.

"But, soon? Yes?" he whispered in her ear, her hair tempting him again.

"Yes ... yes ... yes ... yes ... ye-," she whispered back not knowing when she had ever been so happy.

He couldn't resist her, now that he knew she was to be his forever.

"Shhhh," he whispered, kissing her mouth gently but deeply. He hugged her again, and found the fortitude to go no further for now.

Still panting, they began to be able to control themselves. Slowly they pulled away from each other putting space between them, but still in each other's arms, and still panting slightly as they got control of their passions. He finally let go of her arms, stepped away, but still he held her hands. When they were both breathing quietly he finally let go of her completely.

They stood facing each other, but afraid to touch, now knowing the desire it invoked in each of them. They had to be content with just looking at each other longingly.

A moment passed, then another, then a third.

Finally trusting his voice to speak without shaking with desire, he said. "It must be getting late in the morning."

"Yes," she whispered back staring into his eyes.

"We should be getting back." He could feel himself wanting to touch her again.

"Back?" She swallowed as she thought how his lips felt pressed against hers.

"To Longbourn. Back to your home." He blinked, and came to his senses again.

"Oh." She lowered her eyes and tried to clear her head.

"I must speak with your father." His eyes met hers when she suddenly looked up.

She smiled broadly then. "Yes, you must. You must indeed."

She finally fought her inertia, and stepped toward the path leading to her home. He picked up his hat and gloves, she her bonnet and gloves while trying to put her hair back up in the remaining hairpins. He was beside her a mere two feet away, a distance that would keep them both if not peaceful at least chaste.

Forgotten were Charles and Jane and the walk to Meryton. Those two were on their own.

As these two made their way back to Longbourn the distance between them shortened as he reached for her hand. Both were in control now and content to be in each other's presence and just holding hands.

There was not contentment, however, in the house as the couple entered the grounds smiling and holding hands. First a gasp, then a shriek, then footsteps rushing to the library and frantic knocking on the door. By the time the two young people stopped to hug warmly on the back balcony, there was no less than three pair of eyes staring with shock at them from the window. Darcy smiled at her and then kissed the back of her hand. She smiled and touched his cheek. As they stood there, he gazed into Elizabeth's eyes with a devotion that she returned in kind as he held both of her hands. At least one shocked pair of eyes stared unsmiling that his favorite daughter may also have found someone to marry. He sighed and shook his head.

"Why did it have to be him," whispered Mr. Bennet, and returned to his library for the inevitable audience.

Chapter 43

Posted on Tuesday, 11 February 2003

By the time the couple entered the house the other ease droppers had left the window and returned to their seats in the parlor and were trying to act normal. Mrs. Bennet looked at Darcy with an incredible disbelief that he would be interested in Elizabeth, and then called her daughter over to her and Mary who looked at her disapprovingly. Elizabeth arched her eyebrows and glanced at Darcy who only smiled. He left the room to knock on the library door.

"Enter," came the reply from within. Darcy took a deep breath, and turned the knob to enter.

"Sir, I have an important matter to discuss with you," Darcy began.

"Yes, young man. I dare say you do," was Mr. Bennet reply from his seat behind his desk as he fixed his eyes on Darcy.

Darcy did not expect this response. He looked apprehensively at the older gentleman, but then continued his request.

"Mr. Bennet, I have come to ask for your daughter, Elizabeth's hand in marriage. I love her dearly, and she has agreed to be my wife."

"Indeed? And when did all this start, Mr. Darcy? My impression from the whole of our acquaintance was that you deemed us all beneath you. When did your impression of us change?"

Clearly this was not going to go easily, thought Darcy. He sighed and motioned if he could take a seat in front of Mr. Bennet's desk. When the older man nodded, Darcy pulled the chair out and sat on the edge trying to find the right words to express his feelings. His aloofness and aristocratic air had abandoned him leaving him feeling quite vulnerable, but he didn't care. Elizabeth was worth any displeasure he would have to endure from her father. Finally, he stared at Mr. Bennet and replied honestly.

"Sir, I have always considered your daughter in the highest regard possible. My encounters with her have always left me feeling astonished by her wit and intellect, her courage, and her loyalty. She is the most remarkable woman of my acquaintance. She challenges me in ways I have not been use to, and I find in most ways she is my equal." He added softly, "In some ways she is quite above me. I love her very dearly."

Mr. Bennet's brow knitted in concentration. He couldn't believe that this was the same young man that had come into the neighborhood last year. This was a young man totally in love, and humbled by fact that his intended loved him back. Mr. Bennet knew this man must have gone through some great ordeal to become this thankful for the love he was receiving from Elizabeth. He wished he knew what it was that made this young man so serious. In the older man's estimation, this rich young man was no longer proud and arrogant; rather he was thoughtful and reserved. I would like to know him better, thought Mr. Bennet. He cleared his throat.

"Yes, most young men say they love, Mr. Darcy," Mr. Bennet continued adding a tease, "but will your ardor last even until next year?"

Darcy swallowed and looked the older man with a fixed stare. "Sir, I assure you with the utmost certainty that never in my entire existence have I loved anyone at I do Elizabeth." Without blinking he added, "and I make you the promise that everyday for the rest of my life I will not fail to tell her how much she means to me."

The intensity of his stare and the tension in the room was too much for the older man, and his eyes misted over, and he rose from his chair. His hand extended to Darcy he replied, "Then you have my blessing, son. I could not have parted with her until I was certain you would cherished her as I do."

As Darcy rose and shook hands, he finally exhaled and actually smiled at Mr. Bennet. The older man was amazed at the difference in appearance this gave the young man. He was a most pleasant fellow, and by the time their hands parted, Mr. Bennet was sure he would like his new son-in-law extremely well. Gone was the aristocratic air of contempt. There was merely a happy young man in love.

"All right, be off with you. I am sure you would rather be near someone much younger than an old man," Mr. Bennet finally said shooing Darcy from the library.

"Thank you, sir."

Thinking of another discussion he wanted to have, however, Mr. Bennet added, "I would have a word with Lizzy. Please send her to me."

As the door closed Mr. Bennet shook his head and wiped a handkerchief across his eyes, and blew his nose. This was going to be a lonely house without his two oldest daughters. When he heard a knock, he knew it was she. "Enter."

Elizabeth came in with a smile, but saw Mr. Bennet stern face staring back at her, and her smiled faded.

"Please sit down, Lizzy. We have much to discuss."

Elizabeth sank into a chair, and wondered what her father would say after she knew he had given his consent to her marriage to Darcy. Patiently she waited for him to begin. He stared at her a moment then came around the desk to take her hand, sitting on the corner of his desk, as was his habit.

"Lizzy, I have given my consent. He is such a rich man I dare not give it. He seems quite taken with you, but tell me honestly, will you be truly happy with this man. Can you love and respect him as you should?"

"Are you concerned because you feel I do not love him, father? If so, then please let me ease your mind."

He expected her to avoid his question with her often used teases that he had long ago known meant she was uncomfortable with his inquiries. But when she looked at him with the same fixed stare that he had just witnessed in Darcy, Mr. Bennet knew what she was going to say next would be serious indeed.

"I have respected him and held him in a high regard for quite some time now. And before you inquire, no, I did not love him then, but knew him to be a loyal true friend who returned my regard. At the time, it was all he was capable of giving." Here she faltered and closed her eyes, swallowed, and managed to continue after taking a deep breath.

"It was only recently that both of us have independently stopped denying our affection for one another. And it was only today that we dared to acknowledge the fact that we have loved each other for quite some time."

Elizabeth paused again, and tried not to cry when she finally added, "Father, I have loved him for many months now, but ... would not admit it even to myself until recently because ... I knew he could not return that love until he came to terms with his own denials ... for reasons of his own which are ... too private for me to tell even you." She swallowed as her eyes clouded with tears, and added, "But from this day forward I can say with all my heart that we love each other so dearly that ... my life would be empty without him at my side. Truly, father, I feel so wonderful that I am the one to have made him so happy."

Mr. Bennet could no longer contain his joy at having his favorite daughter so much in love. He pulled her up and hugged her to his chest, and he could now part with her knowing, she would be wonderfully cherished and respected in return.

"He is a very lucky man, Lizzy, to have you love him so," he whispered. "I will miss you."

"Oh, father," Elizabeth sighed, as tears flowed down her face buried in his chest. She breathed in his scent and that of books, cologne, and cotton fabric of his vest. She would miss him terribly.

There was a gentle knock on the door, and Darcy peeked in. He was motioned to enter by Mr. Bennet who was still hugging his daughter as she wiped away her tears. He handed her over to her fiancé smiling. Darcy's arms encircled her waist from behind as he gazed over her shoulder at the older man. Elizabeth smiled as she placed her hands over Darcy's and leaned against him lovingly.

This tender breach of propriety didn't diminish Mr. Bennet's esteem of this young couple; rather it made him aware of the enormity of the love they shared. He smiled as he realized that no two people were as well suited to each other. They would be extremely happy.

"You know, sir, Darcy said smiling at Mr. Bennet, "you are welcomed at Pemberley whenever and as often as you like." Darcy gently pulled Elizabeth closer to him, as he fought the sensation of his body when her curls teased his cheek.

"Yes," she agreed taking her father's hand. "And there is no need of announcement beforehand, father. Simply come. We both would be grateful for your frequent visits."

Her father kissed her hand and released it, and took a seat behind his desk again. "Then know that I will be there whenever the mood strikes me, Lizzy. Now, you two can leave me to my letters, as I am sure you have a few matters to discuss and plans to be made."

"Perhaps," he added with a mischievous smile as he returned his spectacles to his nose, "Your mother would like to be apprised of these developments? It was she who first spied you two walking hand and hand in the garden and alerted me. You should put her mind at ease now."

And with that dismissal, Darcy and Elizabeth exited the library to enter the parlor and the dreaded upheaval that would come when Mrs. Bennet heard the news of their engagement. By this time, however, Bingley and Jane had returned and knew when Darcy and Elizabeth entered the room holding hands that good news was to be had by all present.

"May you have equal felicity, Darcy," Bingley said smiling as they shook hands.

"Mr. Darcy, I am so happy for you and Lizzy," Jane whispered, touching his hand as she looked up into his face.

Darcy felt so moved by a gesture so like his own sister that he squeezed Jane's hand and whispered back, "Call me William."

Jane looked up to his smiling face and smiled. "William," she corrected.

"Oh, Jane," Elizabeth sighed as she hugged her dearest sister tightly. "Never did I dream of this wonderful day."

"I told you all would be well, dear Lizzy," whispered Jane.

After all the hugging and tears Mrs. Bennet sent for the tea and they all sat down to make plans for a double wedding.

Chapter 44a

Posted on Friday, 14 February 2003

They all agreed that the double wedding would be held in winter during the Christmas season. The trees would still have their mantle of snow and ice to make them sparkle in the daylight. Elizabeth and Jane were adamant about having a small wedding held at the chapel near Longbourn instead of a grand one held in town. Mrs. Bennet was a bit put out, but gave in on this point in order to help plan the other arrangements.

She had free rein in making the arrangements of the flowers and the chapel decorations, and in planning the wedding breakfast for the family and close friends to enjoy after the nuptials. She wanted to have more of a say in the selection of gowns and trousseau for the girls, but was more than once out voted due to her penchant for lace. Both Jane and Elizabeth felt elegance was simple not gaudy.

But they did allow their mother to accompany them to London for a shopping trip that included their aunt Gardiner. She knew the girls' tastes and supported them whenever their mother wanted to add more frills than were necessary. Their wedding frocks and bonnets were ordered and all the accessories were purchased as the time of the wedding drew near.

Their aunt took them to shop one day without their mother and stopped into a small tearoom for refreshments. She handed them each a box from an exclusive lady's apparel shop, and said,

"I have something special for each of you, but you must promise not to open it in front of your mother. I know her, and she might be embarrassed by it." She sipped her tea and smiled adding, "You are to wear it on your wedding night."

"Yes, Aunt," replied both nieces in kind, taking the offered boxes, and putting them together with their other bundles, making no other mention of it.

"Have you purchased all the rest you require?" their aunt asked as she poured more tea into each girl's cups.

"Yes, aunt, I think were have more than enough. I dare say I have never before purchased so many lovely things."

"Well," Mrs. Gardiner responded with a smile. "Hopefully you only marry once. You should make the most of it while you can."

"I only wish to be back home at present," sighed Jane sipping her tea, and biting into a scone.

"Yes," agreed their aunt. "I have a great desire to see my children again. When I am away I miss them so."

"Indeed," agreed Elizabeth. "They are such dear cousins. You have raised them admirably. I only wish I would do so well with my own some day."

Both Jane and Mrs. Gardiner gazed at Elizabeth as she sipped her tea, and both smiled at the fact that she was already thinking of herself as married with children.

"You will do an excellent job, I am sure, Lizzy," voiced Mrs. Gardiner. "As will you, dear Jane."

"I hope you are correct," sighed Jane, eyes down cast realizing she had only begun to think such thoughts when alone at night.

"I know so," smiled Mrs. Gardiner to both of her nieces. "Now, let us depart for my house, and prepare for your journey home."

It was when the girls were alone in Jane's room at the Gardiners that they ventured to open the boxes given them by their aunt, which revealed the most exquisite French lingerie imaginable. The silk material was so soft and inviting, and quite revealing to the eye. The card included in the box merely said, 'your husband will appreciate this more than you know. Love, Aunt Gardiner.'

Jane's face turned a bright crimson and she had to look away.

"Oh my", was all Elizabeth could say as she held the beautiful lingerie up to the light and saw how it shimmered. She gently placed the beautiful nightwear back in its box.

At first they were uncertain as to how the gift was meant, being so unfamiliar to the ways of love, but they had always trusted their aunt's judgment and so agreed to abide by this one as well. But they also agreed with her that their mother must never see the contents of the boxes.

Happiness as well as chaos reigned at Longbourn due to Mrs. Bennet's constant haranguing on the progress of the various aspects she was in charge of, wanting to add and change the already agreed to arrangements, not wanting to listen to reason, and having to be steered back on course by either Jane or Elizabeth or even Mr. Bennet. He seemed to realize the pressure all three of them were under, and was helpful with keeping the peace as it were. His daughters deferred to him more and more for support as the time of the wedding drew nearer. He at last seemed to understand his place and rallied to the challenge.

For the most part Netherfield was peaceful as well with only Darcy and Bingley in residence as Mr. & Mrs. Hurst and Caroline had returned to the city with the excuse of shopping, and the theater. Neither gentleman minded much at their absence due to the fact that they were over at Longbourn more often than Netherfield, desiring to be close to their betroths.

About two weeks before the wedding Darcy and Bingley arrived at Longbourn in the early afternoon and after a short visit to the other occupants, they had requested a walk in the garden with their fiancés. Jane and Charles, as was their habit, took off down the path that led to the far part of the garden, while Elizabeth and Darcy stayed closer to the path around the house finally alighting on a nearby bench. They sat in silence for awhile, which was not unpleasant after the rather lengthy rendition of praises that both couples had just endured inside the house by Mrs. Bennet before their escape to the gardens.

Darcy gazed over to Elizabeth and touched her cheek tenderly wanting to take her in his arms, but refrained due to the proximity of the house. Her eyes sparkled in the afternoon light, and her breath came out in little puffs of air visible in the crisp air. She knew something was on his mind as he sighed. Finally he spoke.

"Much as I dislike leaving you, I fear I must to go to town in a week to fetch Georgiana in order that she be present for the wedding. Richard offered to accompany her, but his superiors required him elsewhere."

"I understand," she replied, disappointed but realizing that it could not be helped. "I miss you already," she added gazing into his eyes, her heart aching now to be closer to him.

He fumbled in his pocket and brought out a small box, and said, "I have had this on my person since the day at Lambton when I came upon you unexpectedly to find you reading your letters of your sister's elopement." He opened the box to reveal a sapphire and diamond engagement ring. "It was my mother's, and I wish you to have it."

"Oh, William," she gasped at the beauty of the ring. She squinted to read the inscription. "inter spem et metum amo vos in toto in aeternum."*

Her eyes clouded over as he helped to pull her glove off, and placing it on her finger he kept hold of her hands and said, "I hope while I am away you may look at it and keep me in your thoughts."

"I need no ring to remind me of you, William," she whispered looking lovingly into his eyes. He brooked propriety, and leaned in and kissed her full on the mouth restraining his desires for more. "I shall return in four days time, and will count the minutes before I see you again."

"As will I," she responded leaning her head on his chest; his heart beat giving her cause to smile at the thought that soon she would be feel free to hear it next to her forever. His arm embraced her for the few minutes they allowed themselves before returning to the house.

The happy atmosphere of Bingley's household had been growing steadily as the day of the nuptials drew near, and the staff was excited about being able to participate in such a wonderful event going out of their way to make the master feel at ease with their efficiency to all his requests. It was not until Caroline returned to Netherfield from the Hurst's London townhouse to attend the wedding that a strained tension began to develop there. As soon as Darcy left for a few days to go to London to accompany his sister back to attend the wedding Caroline began to complain about various aspects. She even went so far as to infer that Darcy was not truly in love, but was being forced in this marriage by his familiarity with the Bennet family due to Charles's association.

She felt it necessary to vent each day for an entire week about the wedding arrangements or the location or the food or some other insignificant subject while Bingley tried his best to ignore her ranting.

His only solace was his being with his wonderful Jane, who he frequently asked to walk with him down the garden paths to keep his sanity and give him some amount of respite in the form of hand holding and an occasional kiss on the cheek.

There had been one morning when he was allowed entry at quite an early hour, and only Jane had been ready to greet him. He grabbed her hands and looked into her eyes plaintively and merely uttered, "Walk with me, please."

"Of course, Charles," she replied passively as he led her through the foyer where she retrieved her bonnet, coat, gloves and reticule before departing from the house. Their breath was visible in the frosty morning. She started to turn toward the garden path, but he steered her to another path leading away from the house.

She glanced at him, and noticed his pensive expression, but patiently waited for him to speak. It was only after they had been walking for quite some time without his telling her what their destination was that she quietly asked him.

"Where are we going, Charles?"

He stopped walking and looked about him as if he had no idea where he was or how he'd gotten there. He finally looked at Jane and asked, "How far is Gretna Green?"

Her eyes widened with surprise, and she opened her mouth to say one thing, but then took both his hands in hers and asked instead, "Charles, dear, what has happened?"

He didn't say anything for a moment, but merely looked into his sweet Jane's face, and sighed. "Nothing has happened, Jane. It is just now that Caroline has come ... I ... feel the need for more frequent walks is all." He put her hand over his arm and smiled. She smiled back knowing that he would tell her what weighed on his mind when he was ready, and she silently walked with him further down the lane in the crisp air, happy just to be in his company.

He glanced at her once or twice as they walked now seemingly going towards Meryton, a destination at least.

"It is Caroline," he said at last. "She has been rather ... difficult these past few days. And I needed to be in your presence more than hers is all. Forgive me for suggesting that we elope."

Jane smiled, and squeezed her hand on his arm, and said softly, "That is perfectly fine, Charles. You do not know how often both Lizzy and I have had similar thoughts of late with mother constantly trying to add and change the wedding plans to a more elaborate one."

"Truly? It is not merely a bridegroom's nervousness?" He seemed relieved, and placed his other hand over Jane's. They stopped walking and faced one another.

"I think it is natural for all parties concerned to have moments of doubt-"

"Of you I have no doubts," he interrupted, touching her cheek with his hand. "It is rather all the accompanying aspects that go along with getting married that I am beginning to find are preying on my mind. There is nothing I want more than be married to you, and have you with me on a daily basis."

"And I you," she answered back smiling at him.

"Had it not been for our daily walks these past few weeks, I shudder to think if my sanity would still be intact." He looked into her eyes and impulsively leaned in and kissed her mouth in a soft gentle way that sent shivers down Jane's spine. She gasped and averted her eyes and her cheeks began to color.

"Forgive me, Janey, I just-"

"Charles," she interrupted looking at him. She swallowed, and softly requested, "Can you do that again?"

A look of surprise past over his face followed by the broadest smile as he did indeed repeat his actions lingering a bit longer this time. They both sighed as the kiss ended and they merely held each other's hands between them, eyes closed, each savoring the wonderful content feeling and release of tension built up from the proceeding weeks of stress.

He finally opened his eyes to view his beloved, and smiled, and watched her smile back. "With such incentives I think perhaps I may be able to withstand any onslaught for the next week."

'As can I," she demurely agreed.

And with that decision they again began to walk arm in arm the rest of the way to Meryton on some errand or other that would be taken care of in the village to give the couple more time to ease their tensions from the next week before the wedding.

Chapter 44b

Posted on Friday, 14 February 2003

Caroline had been in residence for almost a fortnight unrelenting in her grumblings about everything to do with the wedding that Charles had noticed even the servants had become unsettled. After one extremely vexing afternoon of her berating not only Elizabeth, her mother, and even Jane for somehow having maneuvered Darcy's engagement Charles finally had had enough and made his opinions known.

"Caroline-" Charles began, but she interrupted him as she always did.

"And the idea of being married in a little country chapel is absurd. At the very least-"

"Caroline!" Charles shouted which got her attention. She looked at him frozen in motion.

"If you cannot refrain from complaining about the arrangements of my wedding then ... I ... want you to return to town immediately."

"Charles," she squeaked not believing what he just said. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You have been a constant reminder of how vulgar and low some people descend into bitterness, and I will no longer stand by and support your behavior. I want you to pack your belongings and return to Louisa's townhouse tomorrow."

"But, Charles," she began to whine realizing that she had finally stepped beyond her brother's tolerance. She tried to appease him with, "I promise not to say another word."

"It's too late for that now, Caroline. You have to go. I can no longer have you poisoning the honor of my future wife and her family this way. I will have the carriage ready for you in the morning ... you may return with Louisa and Gilroy the day before the wedding." With that announcement Charles removed himself from the parlor, wiping his palms with his handkerchief.

Caroline sank in the nearest chair and began to cry out of true despair for her losing what she had most desired, Darcy. She finally realized that she never had a chance with him. He never encouraged her, never listened to her, and never enlisted her in any shared endeavor.

No, she finally admitted, she would have never ever secured him even if he had never come to Hertfordshire. She was nothing to him, and she finally gave up her dream of him.

She sat calmly now on the couch in her brother's parlor drying her eyes and sighing. She felt completely alone and abandoned now. There was no one to love and care for her. Even her own brother was disavowing her now. She would do as he said, and go to Louisa's. Maybe then she and her sister would come up with a solution for her.

Slowly she rose and blew her nose, and walked heavily through the house, and up the stairs to her room to pack. Never would she be welcomed here again, she realized. She alone had managed to put herself outside her brother's good graces.

Darcy had tried not to, but had heard the entirety of the family exchange from the up stairs landing. He had mixed feelings about what he had witnessed. He was elated that Bingley had go much grit as to finally stand up to his sister.

He had only seen Bingley as angry once before, and it had been directed at him when he admitted to withholding from Bingley the fact of Miss Bennet's staying in London last winter. He hoped never to see his friend so upset, but today he witnessed it once again, but in a milder more controlled form.

He also felt that the exhibition had taken a toll on his friend. He knew that even in college Bingley shied away from any confrontation, preferring instead on an amiable solution. And it did him credit for Bingley was liked by all who were acquainted with him.

His sisters, on the other hand, especially Caroline had come to think of themselves as gentry with the Bingley's inherited wealth. And this false sense of self worth made her impossible to have as a friend or confidant.

She, of course, had been encouraged in her endeavors of social climbing by others who like herself, felt it necessary to show off themselves as above the normal populace. No one took her to task for this behavior or checked her to revise it. She became quite absorbed in her own feelings and never thought of how her words or actions would hurt other people's feelings. And only now, after Charles had finally put her in her place did she realize the enormity of her own descent.

Darcy felt pity for her, of course, but had never been able to find it in his heart to forgive her for all her abuse to Elizabeth. He was glad that Charles was forcing her out, out of an atmosphere of love that she could not share in, and so wanted to poison. Maybe it would be for the best, he concluded.

Maybe she would finally come to terms with why she could never be happy, why she could never attract anyone not of like mind to her. He hoped that one day she could find someone to love her as he had found in Elizabeth. He truly did want her to be happy, but knew she would have to look at herself and change those things about herself that were so abusive to all around her as he had done.

She noticed him staring at her as she came up the stairs, and knew he had heard all. They stood a mere meter apart, but it might as well have been an ocean.

"I suppose you can be happy you will finally be rid of me," she sighed bitterly.

"On the contrary," he admitted. "I feel very sad for you that you cannot be happy for Charles and for me."

"I did love you, you know," she whispered realizing she no longer held him in any regard.

"No," he corrected. "You just wanted me. There is a difference."

"Yes," she agreed, gazing at the floor. "I wanted you for all the wrong reasons. I have been so wrong about so many things in my life. I know not how to correct them all." She sighed again resigning herself to the fact that she was quite alone in the world now.

Something in Darcy's demeanor changed as his voice softened. "Admitting that you have done wrong, makes us all hope for you will change in the future. Do not give up that one day you will have the love you so desire."

Because of Elizabeth's love he could forgive Caroline, and it showed in his face. Caroline smiled at him with the true regard of a friend.

"You are very kind, sir. I do not deserve to be treated thus. You make me quite ashamed." Her face blushed with a shame she had long past known existed.

"Charles will forgive you as well," he added. "You know he cannot be angry for long."

"Yes," she whispered. "He has always been so amiable. But my conduct required a firmer hand. If my father had lived longer, perhaps his sternness would have kept me in my place."

"We are all the products of what we lacked in our formative years," Darcy finally acknowledged. He and his sister became almost reclusive after the untimely deaths of their parents. Sudden wealth and an unchecked disciplinarian in Charles made Caroline conceited. Lydia's acts of wantonness were because of a doting mother and a father who had given up on discipline.

Then he thought of Jane, Bingley, and Elizabeth who seemed to come out perfectly acceptable, and knew that there was hope for even Caroline and Lydia, and himself.

"But we all have the capacity to learn from our mistakes and change, Caroline," he said looking into her eyes. He smiled.

"I will endeavor to try," she admitted extending her hand. He took it and kissed it in brotherly way then released it. He watched as she retreated to her room to pack.

He suddenly realized that in all his years of her acquaintance, this was the first real conversation he had ever had with her. It made him wonder that perhaps there truly was hope for her to become a sincere person in the future. He hoped for Bingley's sake that this was true. He went off to find where his friend had hidden away to avoid his sister.

*I tried to get an accurate translation on line. Any Latin scholars out there can correct the grammar. "Between hope and fear I love you completely for eternity."

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