Beginning, Section II, Next Section
Posted on Thursday, 14 December 2000
July (During John and Fanny's Vacation)
Edward and Harry were driving home from the zoo. Harry was in the grips of a great philosophical debate. "I think that if pandas are endangered, we should just get guards for them."*
"I don't know if that would work Harry, a lot of species are endangered. There wouldn't be enough guards," Edward laughed.
"There were guards there!"
"Yes, but that was the zoo. There's only few of each animal."
The debate continued until they reached the house and Edward started fixing dinner.
"Uncle Edward, why do you cook? Mom and Aunt Lucy say that only women should cook."
"Listen sport, your mom and Aunt Lucy don't know what they're talking about most of the time. That's not to say that you should disobey them, but you really have think about what they say. Some of the greatest chefs in the world are men. Your mother even had a male cook when you were a baby, I think."
"But isn't a wife supposed to take care of the husband?"
"Yes, but he also has to take care of her. When you get married you promise to be partners for life. It wouldn't be fair if one partner did all the work, would it?"
"No, I guess not. Why does mom say such silly stuff then? I knew that Aunt Lucy was stupid already."
"Harry, don't call your Aunt stupid. She and your mom just have some...unique...opinions," Edward said unconvincingly. He decided to change the subject. "Would you help me with this?"
Harry stared at the potato peeler. "What is that?" Edward showed him how to use it and they worked with only the sounds of the radio in the background.
"Cool, it's Britney Spears! Turn the volume up. Hey, this is fun, I never get to do stuff like this at home."
Edward raised an eyebrow. "Believe me, I heard your mother's Britney rant after Ellie and I got you the CD."
"Do you think Aunt Margaret will visit again this weekend? Nick has a really awesome car and he said he'd take me for a ride some time. Maybe she'll bring me a present! The slingshot gun she gave me for Christmas is wicked."
"Harry, I hope you're being careful with that thing. Margaret doesn't always, well let's just say she didn't pick it out only because she though you'd like it."
"I know, mom went nuts when she saw it and said that Aunt Margaret got it on purpose to make her angry."
"What did Aunt Margaret do this time?" inquired Elinor coming into the kitchen and setting her briefcase on the table before hugging them both.
"The slingshot gun," Edward explained.
Elinor rolled her eyes. "You didn't see the things M and I talked her out of buying! So Harry, how was your day?"
"Aunt Ellie, we had the best time! We went to the zoo and ate cotton candy and saw lions and pandas and snakes and birds and wolves. And Uncle Edward is teaching me to cook!"
"Sounds exciting. I'll just get changed and then I'll be down to help and you can tell me all about it."
When Elinor came down, dinner was almost ready, so she and Harry set the table and they all sat down to eat. After they had finished and were cleaning up, the doorbell rang. Elinor opened the door and Abby came in with Robby and Frances.
After Abby said goodbye to the kids and sent them into the kitchen, she turned to Elinor. "You guys are the best. I can't thank you enough for watching them again. Mr. and Mrs. Ferrars, well the other Mr. and Mrs. Ferrars are never home in the evenings and I haven't had a day off in five months. I don't know how we would be getting my wedding together if it wasn't for you guys."
"We're glad to help. Besides, they're great kids as long as Lucy isn't around."
"Tell me about it. I've tried everything to get them to behave with her, but short of getting her to start spending some quality time with them, I'm out of ideas. At least we convinced them to behave with Harry. When I remember how the poor child used to cringe in terror when he saw us coming, I feel terrible!"
"Actually Abby, if you'll wait just a second, I'll get Edward. He had a very interesting idea yesterday, which we wanted to discuss with you."
She called Edward out of the kitchen and explained the conversation.
"Well basically my idea was to impress upon them the idea that if they behave badly, it doesn't hurt Lucy, it hurts you. Point out that when they misbehave, Lucy doesn't yell at them, she yells at you. If worse comes to worst you could remind them of the time Lucy threatened to fire you if they didn't behave better in public. Of course, you'd have to stress that you don't think Lucy would really get rid of you. I think their problem is that they don't see any concrete consequences for misbehaving unless they're with you (or now with us)."
"Anything is worth a shot. I'll start tomorrow," she walked to the kitchen. "Bye kids, I'll be back to pick you up at 10:30. I love you. Be good." Robby and Frances ran to hug her again and then she left.
They all played Go Fish until the doorbell rang again. "Edward, please get the door, if it's who I think it is, I don't want to get involved."
Elinor and the kids continued with the game while Edward opened the door. The first thing they heard was, "One billion dollars says the quarterback gets sacked within the first five plays of the first drive."
"Ha! You're on! Remember, you're still down two billion overall Peter."
"Which teams are on TV tonight?"
"Does it matter?"
Marianne rolled her eyes, took Grace out of Peter's arms and went to join Elinor and the kids. "What is it about football that turns men into children?" she complained as she sat down.
"I think it's along the lines of women and shoe shopping," called Edward as he and Peter passed by on their way to the family room.
* direct quote from Lauren, age 5 1/2.
Posted on Wednesday 27 December 2000
Elinor heard the doorbell. She ran down the stairs wondering who could be dropping in without calling first. She looked out the side window and saw Mrs. Ferrars. After opening the door and inviting her mother-in-law in, she said, "Mrs. Ferrars, what an unexpected surprise."
"May we talk Elinor?" Mrs. Ferrars asked quite politely. The combination of her politeness and the use of her name (instead of 'you' or 'her' or 'country nobody') shocked Elinor to such a degree that she was tempted to ask what this woman had done with the real Mrs. Ferrars. Elinor consented and led her to the living room. Once they were seated, Mrs. Ferrars declined Elinor's offer of refreshment. They sat in awkward silence for several minutes.
"I know I didn't say anything when I visited last month, but I really liked the painting you gave me for my birthday," Mrs. Ferrars began.
"Thank you, I'm glad you like it. Edward and I chose it together." Mrs. Ferrars did not reply, and Elinor could not think of anything to say so they were once again silent.
"You've made my son very happy."
"He's made me very happy."
Mrs. Ferrars did not respond. She almost appeared to be talking to herself. "I tried everything I could to make him and Robert like their father. Matthew was a wonderful man. He was strong, intelligent, thoughtful and kind...I saw those internal qualities in Edward, so I tried to give him Matthew's outward qualities as well. I thought getting him to follow in his father's career would foster his leadership abilities and his confidence. Because I saw so much potential in him, I wanted to push him as far as he could go, and in doing so, I lost sight of the goal." She paused and then laughed suddenly. "You know by striking out on his own and marrying the woman he loves, in spite of my efforts, he's more like my Matthew than I ever could have made him."
"Mrs. Ferrars, with all due respect, Edward did not marry me to spite you."
"I know," she said kindly, patting Elinor's hand. She was looking around her but appeared to be oblivious to her surroundings.
Elinor was at this point thoroughly confused. She tried to investigate the only plausible explanation she could think of. "Are you feeling unwell? Should I call a doctor?"
"No dear, I saw my doctor last week. I'm perfectly well. It is very kind of you to ask. If I seem a little distracted, it is because I have been doing a lot of thinking." She stopped and took a deep breath. "I've been analyzing the choices I've made throughout my life ever since last month's dinner. After you and Edward left, Robert said something that really made an impression on me. Fanny and I were having some irrelevant conversation, and he overheard me calling you 'an outsider'. You will not mind me Elinor, I dare say you have heard it from me often enough, and I apologize for that. Anyhow, Robert told me that when I said that, he got a mental image of his grandmother Ferrars."
"It bothered me for a long time before I realized the truth in it. Lord, how I hated that woman. She did everything she could to make me feel small, inferior and unwelcome. And believe me, she succeeded. But I was fine until Matthew died. Then I was alone, trying to raise three children. There was constant tension between me and my in-laws and I had no family of my own. I suppose I just let bitterness consume me. Fanny and Robert were most affected by my attitude, but not Edward. He reminded me of his father so much that it made me cry sometimes. I think that on a subconscious level I couldn't let go of him gracefully when he met you and so I began to resent you. Maybe Matthew's mother felt somewhat the same. But I should have known better. I knew what it was like on the other side of the coin. I have no right to expect your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I am sorry for how I've treated you. I hope that in time, you will see my efforts to change and believe in my repentance."
Elinor's mind had been turning rapidly during this speech. Of all the places that she had imagined Mrs. Ferrars motives might lie, this certainly had not been one of them. She was sure of Mrs. Ferrars' sincerity but felt angry that the treatment she had been subjected to had come through no fault of her own; but then she realized that she had known that all along. To hold on to resentment now would only prolong the bad relations that had kept them all unhappy for so long. "Mrs. Ferrars, I have no doubt of your sincerity now. If you are willing, I would be happy to start fresh and be friends."
"You are more forgiving than I could have been. But you must not call me Mrs. Ferrars any longer, my friends call me Emily."
"Of course," Elinor replied. "Will you stay for dinner? Edward called to say that he won't be home until 7:00, so we won't be eating until then."
"I'd love to. If you'd like I could help you prepare it."
Elinor thanked her, and the two ladies went to the kitchen. They worked together while chatting.
"You know I really can't believe that Edward helped you choose my present. My stars, you must have bewitched him! It took me until he was 17 to convince him to shop for anything other than clothes and shoes. Next you'll be telling me that you've taught him to window shop first!" They both laughed.
"One miracle at a time is all I can handle!"
"Elinor, you're doing that wrong! The potatoes should be cut julienne," snapped Mrs. Ferrars.
"This is the way my mother does it," Elinor snapped back.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I've spent so long trying to find fault with everything. Old habits die hard I guess." Elinor nodded. "You know, it's funny. When I say things like that to Lucy, she doesn't put up a particle of protest. I wonder why it has never struck me before. Lately, she's really been starting to get on my nerves. The way she calls me 'mom' makes me cringe."
"Please, if you get me started, I may forfeit your good opinion."
"And her clothes Elinor! You haven't seen the worst one. It's a bright yellow cowgirl dress with a fluorescent pink fringe!"
"Well clearly Emily, you have not seen the blouse with the shiny orange and green birds."
They were finished with the preparations when Edward came through the front door. Elinor went to greet him. They kissed and he pulled a bunch of daisies from behind his back.
"Oh isn't that sweet. Your father used to bring me flowers."
Edward started in disbelief before giving his mother a hug. "Mother, I'm glad to see you, but what are you doing here?"
"I've come to make peace."
Edward turned toward Elinor who smiled. "I'm so happy," he said. They went to the kitchen to eat.
Posted on Wednesday 27 December 2000
Mrs. Ferrars and Fanny are talking at Norland
"Enough! Is this all we are ever going to discuss from now until the end of time?"
"Look, Fanny, I am very serious about this and if I have to bring it up everyday as I have been doing, I will."
"So what!"
"All I am asking is that you try to be more accepting of people in general, and of the Dashwoods in particular. They are connected to us, and you can't change that."
"Why? They are self-righteous, poor, low class..."
"Frances, we cannot go through life picking at phony and arbitrary social distinctions. They are your in-laws and Edward's in-laws. Indeed, they are part our family and that is how we ought to treat them. They have always been kind to us."
Fanny appeared to finally be listening. She threw her hands up in frustration. "Mother! I can't imagine what madness has taken over your mind. It seems one random comment of Robert's has caused you to completely reverse every opinion you have ever expressed on the topic."
"I know this is a departure from what I have always told you. But I have done what I can to mend fences, and I feel so much better. It is as if a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I just want to kick myself when I think that this is how it could have been since the beginning. I want you to have that peace too. Don't waste your life in hostility like I did. When your father died I forgot that it is better to try and get along than to get revenge for supposed slights." Fanny was feeling overwhelmed and a tear started to roll down her cheek at the mention of her father. Mrs. Ferrars saw her distress and put her arm around her daughter before continuing. "Darling, I love you and I want you to be happy. I know this situation is my fault, but I can't remedy the mistake without your help."
"Mom, I know in my mind that you're right but, I can't change the way I feel. I don't like them. I can try to be nicer, but I won't apologize."
"Just keep this in mind, what if John had been close to his step-mother and sisters and they had behaved towards you the way we have behaved towards them, especially Elinor? No one expects you to do an about-face in a day, Fanny."
"And what about Margaret? She's not been terribly kind to me. The last seven years at least she has contrived to humiliate us at every party we've invited her to."
"Well dear, she is very...creative in defense of her family. However, I might remind you that she was only a child when this feud began. In retrospect, she is rather amusing. Remember the time, she can't have been more than 16, that she glued Lucy's entire place setting to the tablecloth while everyone was dancing? I don't think I'll ever forget the shriek Mrs. Middleton gave when Lucy later took a sip of her champagne and caused all the entrées to land in Mr. and Mrs. Middleton's laps."
Fanny closed her eyes and sighed in resignation. A smile came over her face as she remembered the sight of Mary Middleton picking grains of rice out of her hair. "That's one of my favourites too."
Posted on Wednesday 27 December 2000
Late August in one of Nicholas and Isabella Carlisle's sitting rooms (Think Pemberley).
All conversation stopped when Oscar the butler opened the door. "Master Nick and Miss Trouble."
Nick and Margaret entered the room. "Margaret! Are you making a nuisance of yourself?" exclaimed Mrs. Dashwood in mock alarm.
"What else is new?" asked Edward. Margaret made a face at him while everyone laughed.
"It pains me to think that my own family feel I am a troublemaker!" She put her face in her hands as if to cry.
Everyone resumed their conversations. "Aww. Don't be sad Margaret baby. Every family needs a troublemaker!" Nick took her in his arms. "Look what you all did!"
Oscar approached them. "Master Nick, you'll have a beer?" Nick nodded. "Would you like a drink Miss Trouble?"
"Yes, thank you, diet Pepsi please..."
"I know, with a little umbrella. Please see that it doesn't land in the soup tureen this time."
"Did you miss me Grouchy?"
"Heavens no! When you are gone, I have only to dodge Mrs. Carlisle's sarcastic tongue rather than maids screaming about frogs in the sock drawers."
"How was I to know the maid would put things in Nick's sock drawer while he was in the shower?"
Peter came just then to freshen Marianne's drink. "And only think, I've been dealing with that for ten years!"
"I'm quite used to it sir." He nodded at Elinor and Marianne laughing at a joke of Mrs. Carlisle's. "I served while Mr. Carlisle's father and mother were with us. The men in this family are attracted to mischievous women."
The doorbell rung and when Oscar returned, he brought Mrs. Ferrars, John, Fanny, Robert and Lucy. Lucy immediately stepped forward to greet her hosts. "Mr. and Mrs. Carlisle, I'm so honoured that you have invited us. We all are so pleased that you have thus singled us out. It's a well-known fact that you only mingle with a select few, and in my opinion it is a very sound idea. One should only mix with one's social equals. Certainly, I would wish to do so; if it were not for some low connections with which we are burdened..."
Lucy continued in this vein unaware of Mr. Carlisle's pained look, Mrs. Carlisle's look of astonishment or even the presence of the 'low connections' she was deriding. Mrs. Carlisle looked about and saw (in this order) her husband nodding politely, Margaret and Nick choking with laughter, Peter looking rather disgusted, Edward and Mrs. Dashwood getting rather angry, Marianne rolling her eyes, Elinor yawning, John looking fearful, Fanny looking shocked and Mrs. Ferrars and Robert looking quite annoyed. Isabella's face took on a look of deep concentration as she pondered whether kicking Lucy might be considered excessive punishment for spoiling a dinner party. As she listened to Lucy's seemingly never ending tirade, she noticed that most of Lucy's venom seemed directed at Elinor. Thus an evil plan started to form in her mind and her resolve to carry it out was strengthened when her husband noted the gleam in her eyes and scratched his left temple. He had just given her their 'let-'em-have-it' signal.
"My dear Lucy, may I call you Lucy?" Lucy nodded as though all her Earthly ideas of happiness had just been answered. "We are so glad to have you here. Won't you sit down?" Isabella said, patting the seat next to her. "We are delighted to have you here and I am very much looking forward to our increasing connection." Lucy thought this an odd choice of words, but did not have the nerve to contradict or question a Carlisle. "But really dear, I must share your charming company for a moment. You have not yet greeted your family."
The look of puzzlement on Lucy's face increased until she turned and saw her husband and her in-laws greeting each other cordially. When they all looked over to see what Mrs. Carlisle was saying to Lucy, Lucy nodded and said hello as though she had not just been referring to most of them with scorn. "Mrs. Carlisle, it is kind of you to have invited our family members as well. It is a...kindness that I will not soon forget."
"Lucy dear, how droll! I did not invite them here for you. Mallory, Elinor, Edward, Marianne and Peter are delightful company, as I have come to learn the many times they have visited us here and we have visited their homes. We consider them family. Why we must have met at least 70 times in the last three years, wouldn't you agree Elinor?" Elinor smiled and agreed.
"I don't understand. Why would you invite them and not us! We always invite you to our functions yet you have declined each time."
"Well dear, my husband and I rather prefer gatherings of small groups. I find that it is more elegant and agreeable that way. I have noticed that you and Fanny prefer to have things on a large scale. It makes us rather uncomfortable."
"You should have told us. We would have..."
"Lucy don't interrupt me, it's very provoking." Lucy apologized and fell silent. All the other members of the party made a mental note to ask Isabella how that trick worked. "I wished to share with you some news. My son Nicholas is engaged."
"How delightful! And who is she? She must be a lovely girl. Will she and Nicholas be joining us for dinner this evening?" Lucy had clearly forgotten the earlier parts of the conversation. At last Mrs. Carlisle's plan became clear. Fanny noted the suppressed laughter coming from Margaret and thanked her lucky stars that she had seen the error of her ways and would be spared the embarrassment that Lucy was headed towards.
"They are already here," said Isabella with one eyebrow raised. Just how dense was this woman?
"Are they still dressing for dinner?"
Robert decided to step in. Since he would be the one to listen to Lucy's fury over the next week, it had to be minimized. "Lucy, perhaps you missed them in the corner. Nick and Margaret are sitting right there."
Lucy turned to Mrs. Carlisle. "That, that, you mean he, Margaret's...boyfriend...is your son...and they're engaged?"
"Why yes dear, they've been engaged for a year. I believe it will be one year on Monday, right Nick?"
"Tuesday, mom."
"Sorry dear, you know how my memory is."
Meanwhile, Lucy had hissed to Robert and Fanny, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You know every bit of gossip there is to know. How was I to know you missed this? If you talked to him instead of making fun of him and trying to make poor Margaret feel bad, you would have known," exclaimed Robert.
"I tried to tell you, but lately you've been too busy criticizing Elinor to let me get a word in edgewise," explained Fanny. But it didn't matter what either said. Lucy had already decided that Elinor was responsible for this mortification.
Isabella turned to Lucy again to deliver the final blow. "So as I was saying, Nicholas and I were so pleased to make the acquaintance of Margaret's mother, sisters and brothers-in-law, we wished to meet her brother John and his wife. Margaret told me that Emily was living with them as well so we thought it only right to invite her as well. Then I found out that you and your husband were related through John and Elinor. Now, that was nothing on John's account since we had not yet met, but I couldn't be comfortable excluding you since you were a relative of Elinor."
Lucy looked stricken. She was unable to utter another word for the whole party and thus it passed very pleasantly.
Posted on Friday, 5 January 2001
A sitting room at Robert and Lucy's house
"One second Lucy, this pen is almost out of ink. Let me get a new one. If it runs out in the middle of an invitation card, it will look silly with two different-coloured pens."
"We can always just throw the card out and use another."
"The invitations cost ten dollars each. Lucy, we have money, but there is no call to waste it senselessly. And do try to put the stamps on straight dear."
Fanny glanced at the list to get the name for the next invitation. Mrs. Nicholls, the housekeeper, entered. "Hello, Mrs. Dashwood. Mrs. Ferrars, unless there is anything else, I will be leaving for the rest of the day."
"Yes, there are a few more things. I have chosen a different tie for Robert to wear this evening, but it has a stain on it. I've put it on our dresser. Wash, dry and press it."
"I prepared four ties for Mr. Ferrars' suit so that you might choose, ma'am. Would one of those not do?"
"No, I told you, I have chosen another one. Also, there is strawberry-scented soap in the powder room instead of rose-scented. It must be replaced. And..."
"But Mrs. Ferrars, I told you yesterday that they were out of the rose-scented soap when I went shopping. You said it was alright so long as the soap was pink."
"Well today, they likely have a new shipment of the proper sort, and we can dispose of the strawberry stuff."
Mrs. Nicholls looked rather upset. "Ma'am, normally I would not object to any task, but this is too much. You promised that I might leave early to attend my son's soccer game. His team has made it to the city championships. I have already missed most of his games doing extra chores for you. He will be heartbroken if I miss this game as well. He's been reminding me day and night for a week!"
"Really, Mrs. Nicholls, there is no call for such an outburst. If your work is not properly done the first time, then it is perfectly reasonable for me to ask that you do it a second time. You act as though I am a slave driver. I gave you a day off just last week."
"Ma'am that was a month ago that Mr. Ferrars gave me the day off since I had worked late every other day that week."
Fanny saw that Mrs. Nicholls was on the point of tears. "Lucy, do let her go. I know that Harry gets very upset if we are late for his games. All of those chores can be done tomorrow, and if none of the ties Mrs. Nicholls chose are appropriate, we can iron another or Robert can borrow one of John's."
Lucy sulked. "Very well, that will be all Mrs. Nicholls." Mrs. Nicholls flashed Fanny a grateful smile and hurried out before Lucy could change her mind.
"You must compromise with your servants Lucy, or you will not have any left. One must remember that they do not live only to serve us."
Lucy pouted while they continued with the invitations. The loud shouting that followed indicated that Abby had brought the children inside. Harry ran into the room followed by Abby, Robby and Frances. "Mommy, tell Abby that I'm allowed to have cookies with my milk."
"For crying out loud Abby, give the children some cookies and leave us in peace," Lucy seethed.
"Mrs. Ferrars, you know that you like them to have dinner at 5:30. It is 4:30 now, they will spoil their appetites."
Fanny stepped in again. "Harry, you know that Robby and Frances eat dinner early. I let you eat cookies with your milk because our dinner is not until 6:30. Since you are staying with them tonight, you will follow Abby's rules. There will be no more of these angry fits, am I making myself clear?"
"Yes, mom. I'm sorry Abby."
"It's alright Harry. Besides, it won't be so bad. You don't get a snack, but Mrs. Warner the cook is going to let us make brownies for dessert."
"See Harry, won't that be fun? We never do that at home!"
Harry smiled, and he left with the other to watch cartoons.
"Lucy, you're not really considering inviting the Flynns, are you?"
"Why yes, they're rich and will make a large contribution."
"All they do is argue. They're so unpleasant. But it's up to you."
"I like them. Besides, speaking of unpleasant, you invited that Deborah Sinclair woman."
"She's an old family friend."
"She is not! She's an old friend of Elinor's!" Fanny rolled her eyes. Thankfully, Robert's entrance interrupted the conversation.
When he asked what they were doing, Lucy replied, "We're working on the invitations for the re-election campaign party."
"Don't you have to have been elected in the first place to be re-elected?" deadpanned Robert.
Fanny started to laugh at Robert's joke but stopped when she saw the look on Lucy's face. "Just work on your speeches dear, we'll handle the promotion."
"Actually, I finished my speech. Fanny, may I steal Lucy away for a moment?" Fanny made no objection, so Robert and Lucy went into his study. "I've been looking at the bankbooks Lucy. I set five thousand dollars aside in our second checking account for Abby, Mrs. Nicholls and Mrs. Warner's Christmas bonuses. But now it seems to be missing, and I was wondering if you knew what happened to it."
"No, I don't."
"Great, now I'm going to have to visit the accountants tomorrow. I'll have to call Ed and cancel our round of golf." He leaned over to grab the phone.
Lucy looked panicked. She knew what the accountant would say. "Oh, Robert, I just remembered. I maxed out my Visa last week, and I needed shopping money yesterday. I didn't know what the money was for."
"You didn't know what the money is for? I told you about it three times! And how could you have maxed out your Visa already? I paid the full bill two weeks ago."
Lucy shrugged. "If you upped my limit or got me another card, this wouldn't happen."
"Dream on Lucy. Your Visa has a three thousand-dollar limit and I pay it off every month. You don't need any more. If you need money from the accounts at least tell me so I can tell you which account to take it from."
Lucy was shrieking at this point. "You can't do this to me! I'm not a child!"
"Well clearly you're unable to budget. Lucy, we're not as rich as Fanny and John. When I married you, I told you that I wanted to give you everything your heart desired. I wish I could. But I can't afford for you to spend more than the limit on that card per month. We've only just paid off the cars, we're only three-quarters of the way through our mortgage, we have to save for our retirement and the kids' educations plus Frances' wedding. I'm sorry Lucy, but you have to be more careful."
Now she was crying. "If you loved me, you wouldn't say things like that!"
Robert looked sadly at her. "Lucy, if you loved me, you wouldn't keep putting me in this position. We've been married 10 years and I think I've been very cooperative with your parties and all that other stuff you like. I'm trying to be fair, you know the accountants have been after me to take your name off of all of the bank accounts except the principle checking account. But I haven't because I know that if anything happens to me, you and the kids will need that money right away. I don't want to be tyrannical or anything like that. You're my wife, I want you to be happy. But you have to cooperate too. If you want our current lifestyle to continue, you have to curb your spending."
Although none of Robert's other pleas had had any effect, this last thoroughly chastened Lucy. She would do nothing to jeopardize being a rich society wife. "Alright Robert, I'll try my best."
He smiled and gave her a hug. "That's all I ask."
Lucy returned to Fanny and the invitations. "Oh good Lucy, you're back. Who on Earth are the Parkersons?"
"You remember, you introduced me to them at your anniversary party." Fanny still looked confused. "The new member of Norland's board of directors and his wife."
Fanny thought this over. "Oh! Jack and Heather. Their surname is 'Markinson'."
"I hope when she comes, she remembers to have her roots touched up. As if it's not obvious enough she's a bottle blonde, I saw her shopping on Witmer street with dark roots an eighth of an inch long."
"Here Lucy, this one is for the Carlisles. There was no need to highlight it on the list. Oh! We have forgotten to add Mrs. Dashwood! We must be more careful, otherwise we will not have a proper count for the caterers." Fanny scanned the rest of the list. "Lucy, your list is also missing Elinor, Edward, Marianne, Peter and Margaret."
"Do we have to invite them? I hate them. They're all so smug, imagining that they are above social pressures. And the kids keep raving about the time they spent with Aunt ELLIE, it's infuriating."
"Look Lucy, I know you are not their biggest fan, but as members of our family they must be invited. Think of what people might say otherwise." She paused, remembering what her mother had said. "Besides, in truth, they have given us no reason to exclude them. We should not be unreasonably resentful."
"Can't we just exclude Elinor then? All she does is try to make us look bad."
"Lucy, can you name even one thing that she's done for the sole purpose of embarrassing us?"
Lucy went from shrill to seven degrees of shrill. "How can you ask such a question after what she did to me last week at the Carlisle's and how she made everyone forget my birthday and how she's stealing my children and how she's always trying to one up my social accomplishments and the time she got Margaret to wear the same dress as me and she always rubs it in my face that she earns her money and how she encourages Marianne to mock me..." Fanny quickly lost count of Lucy's imaginary grievances and began to time how long she could continue her long, tedious, ridiculous list without ending her original sentence.
It became very clear that Lucy had no intention of being fair or grounding her accusations in reality. As a matter of course, it was better to let Lucy get this out of her system now so that she would leave Elinor in peace (for a while), but they were going to be late for Mrs. Keswick's party. As she had been a staunch and influential supporter of Robert's last campaign, they couldn't afford to offend her. In desperation, Fanny had no recourse but to interrupt her with the first thing that came to mind. "Lucy, you must consider the situation properly. Elinor is a partner in one of the most prestigious law firms in the country, and is recognized as a specialist in human rights and equity issues. Having her there will hint to the voters that Robert supports these causes as well. We must help his campaign in any way we can."
It was a rather weak argument considering that they were well aware that everyone knew that the rest of the family was customarily invited for appearances only. Fortunately, in her current irrational state, it seemed quite ingenious to Lucy.
Posted on Sunday, 14 January 2001
Relevant excerpts of e-mails sent between Elinor Ferrars, Marianne Brandon and Margaret Dashwood in late August:
eferrars@hayes&rockwell.com, mbrandon@delaford.com and margaretd@meds.barton.edu
Excerpt of e-mail sent from Margaret Dashwood to Elinor Ferrars and Marianne Brandon
Speaking of Lucy, did you see yesterday's episode of "Live Confrontations"? Four thumbs up! (Nick loved it too, I am not an alien Eddie!) I swear I am going to join the David Chaos fan club!
Excerpt of reply from Marianne Brandon to Elinor Ferrars and Margaret Dashwood
I missed it :-( I was late getting home because I had to give some kids detention for skipping too many classes and then Gracie didn't want to leave her playgroup until she had shown me how those gigantic plastic bricks fit together. I'm so upset! Why am I cursed with a broken VCR? Please tell me what happened! Don't make me beg.
Excerpt of reply from Elinor Ferrars to Marianne Brandon and Margaret Dashwood
David Chaos is the biggest phony. He takes those terrible situations and makes them worse! And how are we supposed to believe that this guy is a counselor, he barely looks old enough to have graduated from university! I've gotten used to the fact that the two of you watch that show, but I still can't believe you structure your whole day around it. But you have my attention. What did yesterday's show have to do with Lucy?
Excerpt of reply from Margaret Dashwood to Elinor Ferrars and Marianne Brandon
I only moved one class from 5pm to 9am! I'm not obsessed! Anyone stupid enough to think confronting someone on national TV is going to help him or her after having watched the show deserves what they get. It's the only show where all the participants know the real premise of the episode in advance. None of that 'you're here for a makeover' garbage. And David Chaos is hot! Don't deny it! I'm going to come down this Saturday afternoon. I taped it so that I could do the laundry (Ha! not obsessed!). I would never deprive my two favourite sisters of seeing the beauty of this episode first hand. It will be worth the wait, I promise.
Elinor and Marianne were waiting when Marianne drove up in Nick's convertible. When she came in, Marianne said, "So that's the real reason you came down today!"
"You got that right! I use every excuse my plotting little brain can come up with to drive that car. Last weekend I even drove down to give Harry the ride Nick promised him. Come on, let's watch the tape." All three ladies sat on the couch. This is what they saw:
Announcer: "It's time for another episode of (audience joins in) Live Confrontations!"
Announcer continues: And here is your host, professional counselor and former CJMX Jeans model David Chaos.
David runs out and the crowd goes wild. The cheers and screams lasted for nearly two minutes. One girl had to be dragged out of the studio by security after having literally thrown herself at David. "Welcome to our show. On today's episode we revisit that most precarious of relationships, the love triangle! Our guest Nancy will have to Choose or Lose!" He paused for dramatic effect and tossed his head. "Let's meet our first guest Todd Jackson. He's a 28, a construction worker and plays semi-professional soccer. Welcome to the show."
A good-looking man in Dockers and a white t-shirt walked out and took a seat. "Thanks," he said.
"Why don't you tell us why you're here."
"Well, I've been seeing my girlfriend Nancy, for almost six months now. We really love each other, and I think there's a future for us, but there is one major problem. Her ex-boyfriend, 'the doctor'," he complained in a mocking tone, "will not leave us alone." He keeps calling her and sending gifts and flowers. He's even interrupted some of our dates begging her to come back to him. At first, I thought he was just a harmless, desperate ex, but I found out that last week he came to the hospital where Nancy works as a secretary, and followed her around all day. Finally, security had to throw him out. It's not really a love triangle, that guy is a stalker!"
"And this bothers you Todd?" asked David, in a voice of feigned concern.
"Yes! I want Nancy to get a restraining order against him."
"Alright Todd, please go backstage again. We're going to talk to Sam, but you'll be able to hear what is being said." Todd left the stage. "Now let's welcome Sam Cole. He's 35, a doctor and enjoys scuba diving."
Sam walked out in dress pants and a golf shirt, amidst a sea of boos. "Hey, don't judge me! Let me talk before you boo me. First off, let me say that Nancy was my girlfriend first. We dated for two years and we would still be together if it wasn't for that smooth-talking, manipulative son of a &^%$@." The cameras briefly cut to an enraged Todd backstage. "Nancy realized long ago that she really loves me. She wants to dump him, but she's probably scared of his violent tendencies. I send her flowers and gifts to cheer her out of her depression. She's trapped by fear in a loveless relationship. And just for the record, Nancy is not the one who called security. The only one who needs to be legally restrained is him."
"Well then, let's get Todd back out here because it's time for the..."
The whole audience chanted, "Live Confrontation!!"
Todd came out and took his seat. Both men were scowling at each other in contempt and loathing. At this point the audience was booing them both. David struck another model pose and began, "Before the two of you say, or do anything to each other, I want to give each of you a chance to sum up the situation in your own words. Todd?"
"He's a codependent, jealous, *!@#$%#!"
"Ooh, harsh! Sam?"
"He's a manipulative psycho!"
"Great! Let's continue. My first question is for Sam. According to my understanding that Nancy dumped you and immediately started dating Todd. Is that correct?"
"Yeah Sam, tell them if it's correct," jeered Todd.
"It's not the whole story, David. This ^$#^$%^ lied and schemed to convince Nancy to breakup with me under guise of being her 'concerned friend'. If she's so interested in him and doesn't want my calls, why hasn't she changed her number?"
"That's a valid point! Can you explain that Todd?" smirked David. The female contingent in the audience swooned. As Todd muttered that he didn't know, David threw to a commercial.
"Where do they find these losers?" exclaimed Elinor.
"Mar, will you just tell us! The show is already a quarter of the way through and I don't see any connection to Lucy at all," grumbled Marianne.
"Trust me! You will hate me forever if I spoil the surprise. It's about to get good. Where's Grace?"
"Peter took her to the park, why?"
"'Cause it's about to get good. We need popcorn!"
When the show returned, David hurriedly had to stop flirting with the blonde in the front row. "Welcome back. Today we have Todd and Sam here. Todd is currently dating Nancy who seems to be unable to let go of her ex-boyfriend Sam. From what we've heard here so far, it appears she wants you both."
"Nancy would never use people like that. This jerk has her so frightened that she doesn't know what to do."
Todd jumped out of his chair. "That's not true David! There wouldn't be any problem if this stupid !@#$%^& would just accept that Nancy dumped him to be with me!"
Sam had been pushed far enough. He also stood and said, "One of the first signs of mental instability is projecting what you think other people should say to you, on to those around you, you delusional freak!"
"Oh yeah egghead? Analyze this!" Todd lunged for Sam with his fist and connected squarely on the other man's jaw. Sam swung and hit Todd's eye. Soon both men were rolling on the floor beating the :::cough::: stuffing out of each other. The audience had gone wild and got increasingly louder as the fight progressed.
After about three minutes, David stopped cheering and said, "Now, now guys, violence is not how we should solve our problems in a society." The grin on his face, while very attractive in a devil-may-care kind of way, did not speak well for his sincerity. However, to preserve their TV14 rating, he signaled for security to pull them apart. It took them quite a while to pull the two men apart despite the fact that the security guys were so much bigger than the two combatants. Even more odd was the fact that Sam and Todd 'managed' simultaneously to shake off the security guards several times. Finally, it was time for another commercial.
"Don't fast forward yet Ellie, let's go make some popcorn," suggested Marianne.
"This is so lame. It is funny in a way, but overall it's just sad," lamented Elinor. "Hey, is that your point in all of this Margaret? That there are actually people who are more absurd than Lucy is?"
"I hadn't thought of that. Patience, it will all be clear soon," declared Margaret.
They returned with the popcorn. At the end of the break, Sam and Todd were sitting as far away from each other as was possible without either of them being off the stage. "We're going to take some audience questions now!" David approached a young brunette wearing a college sweatshirt.
"Hi, my question is like for both of them. So is this chick like really hot? Like, I mean, are you guys only fighting over her because she's a dish?"
Both Sam and Todd agreed that Nancy was attractive. Unfortunately, this set off the jealousy reflex in each of them. They started fighting again but this time security was a little more prompt in separating them. David pointed the microphone at another audience member; a large, angry man whose pants were sitting so low on his legs that Newton would have to take his laws of gravity back to the drawing board.
"Are you @%$^#$%^ stupid or something? This !#$%@ Nancy is playin' you!"
Sam shouted right back, "You don't know anything about the situation. Shut the %#$* up and sit down!"
Todd chimed in, "He's right about you though!"
Sam lost it and came at Todd with his chair. Mayhem erupted and several audience members stormed the stage. David struck a pose and announced another commercial. Marianne grabbed the remote from Elinor and fast-forwarded the ads.
"Choose or loose! Our two guests here on stage are Sam and Todd. Both say they are in love with Nancy, who we have yet to hear from. They each claim that the other is manipulating or intimidating her. Before the break, a member of our studio audience suggested that Nancy is manipulating the two of you. How do you feel about that Todd?"
"All I know is that when I met Nancy, she was dating him. We fell in love and she left him. Our relationship was great until he started butting in. She's mine. It's true that she hasn't been as assertive as she could have been in trying to get rid of him, but she doesn't like hurting someone's feelings if it can be avoided."
"You're crazy, Nancy is mine, " exclaimed Sam. "She hasn't been trying to get rid of me, she's been trying to get rid of you. She didn't want to hurt your feelings at first but then you got so angry and possessive, she's too scared to say anything to you."
Both men suddenly looked uncertain. David Chaos may not have had the counseling background his résumé claimed, but he knew how to take advantage of people's psychologically weak moments to boost his ratings. "Well I don't think there's anything left to do. We've discussed everything and come to a stalemate. I think it's time for another..."
"Live confrontation!!" shouted the audience.
"Nancy! Come on out!" David called. The stage doors opened. A woman wearing a short black dress stepped out. Her thin figure, cute face and curly red hair won instant favour with the audience. Their calls quickly changed from boos to cheers and catcalls. But Marianne and Elinor were choking on their popcorn for a different reason.
It was none other than Anne 'Nancy' Steele.
She walked to the center of the stage where Todd grabbed her and kissed her. Sam knocked him away and kissed her as well. They got into a tug of war, each man pulling at one of Nancy/Anne's arms. Nancy was clearly trying to get them both to let her go, so security dragged them to their respective corners and brought her a chair in the middle of the stage away from both.
"Well hello, Nancy! My goodness, I've got half a mind to give these two a run for their money. I'm beautiful and rich you know," David winked. Nancy winked back at him. "Let's get down to business. Nancy, you saw what has happened here so far?"
"Yes, I did and quite honestly, I am shocked."
"You are not dating both of them?"
"I am dating both of them, but I never gave either of them any reason to believe that I was dating him alone."
"Nancy baby, how can you say that after all we've meant to each other?" wondered Todd.
"You don't have to be scared of him anymore! He can't hurt you in front of all these witnesses," pleaded Sam.
Nancy looked from one to the other as if they had each sprouted an extra head.
David called her attention again. "As you know, Nancy, the theme of today's show is 'Choose or Lose'. The time has come. They both claim to be in love with you. Which one of these two eligible gentlemen are you in love with?"
"David, the reason I was dating Sam and Todd is because I can't choose. I love them both."
"I don't #%$^$%$ believe this! #$%^! What did you do to her you @#$%^&* ?" exploded Sam.
"Me? You low down, filthy, rotten #&$%@$*^! You're confusing her!" sputtered Todd.
The fighting erupted again. The two men were so enraged that they didn't even notice that Nancy/Anne had to jump out of the way. It took three minutes of concerted effort on the part of four security guards to get and keep them apart, and even then, the trash-talk didn't cease. Finally Nancy, calm, silly, easy-going Anne had had enough.
She walked towards them, trying to get their attention unsuccessfully. At last, she put her fingers in her mouth and let out an ear-splitting whistle that brought the whole room including the laughing David to a screeching halt. She turned to her left and slapped Sam. Then she turned to her right and smacked off the smug look that had appeared on Todd's face. "I have never been so embarrassed or so angry in my entire life!" she shouted. "What on Earth is the matter with the two of you, fighting as if I were the last popsicle in the box or something? I am not some man's possession. I make my own decisions. In this case I was unsure, but that does not give you the right to act like barbarians. I can't believe I ever dated two men who were so irrational, so stereotypical. If you don't like the situation, fine. Bringing me on this show has actually helped me make a decision. I don't want either of you. If either of you ever contact me again, I'm going to have an order of protection against you so fast it'll make your heads spin."
David looked solemn. "Once again, we have proven that getting things out in the open is the only way to resolve our problems. I'm David Chaos. See you next time on Live Confrontations."
"Well Mar, you were right. That was entertaining!" admitted Elinor after the tape had stopped.
"That has got to be the most sense Anne has ever made at any one time!"
"I have to have a copy of this tape. Poor Anne, they both sound like pretty big losers even for her. You know, I don't think I've ever known her to be single. She must be distraught! But I'm confused, why was everyone calling her Nancy?" wondered Marianne.
"Mrs. Jennings calls her Nancy all the time. You know what? We should tell Mrs. J and get her fixed up," suggested Margaret.
Elinor looked thoughtful. "Hey, I know this guy who'd be perfect. His name is James Rushworth. He's one of the clients in our tax division. I met him through Lewis in family law who handled his divorce last year, when Mr. Rushworth's ex-wife sued him for alimony. The case should have been on "Live Confrontations". In the pre-nup it was clearly stated that if the divorce was on grounds of her adultery or within ten years of their wedding date, she gets nothing. Well the divorce occurred within 10 months and he filed for it because she was caught with some guy by the police in the back seat of a car, both of them au naturel. The only reason they got caught is because they were blocking a fire hydrant. But the best part is the language of her lawsuit. Lewis showed it to the partners during a meeting for comic relief. I quote: 'Even if the plaintiff was engaged in an adulterous relationship when the police came to the car window, which the plaintiff by no means admits, the plaintiff was driven to it because the defendant is a boring, stupid, wuss!' Needless to say, she lost. Anyway, he's loaded, silly, and full of himself. Should I set them up?"
"Go for it!" encouraged Margaret.
"It's a match made in heaven," declared Marianne.
Posted on Thursday, 15 February 2001
"The mail is here Elinor!"
Elinor came down the stairs with one hand shielding her eyes. "It's been six days since I answered Lucy's letter. If there is anything from her, I want you to break it to me gently."
Edward held up the letter in question and put his arm around her. "It could be worse. At least Rob hasn't broken down and shown her how to use e-mail."
"Margaret said the same thing a while back. It's of little comfort. Those letters are designed to wreck my self-esteem and my mood and they work."
"Ellie, everyone but Lucy thinks you're great. I think you walk on water. Don't let her get to you. The problem is, your replies are too nice. The reason she keeps writing is because she thinks the letters make you feel bad. You have to show her that she's wasting her 'valuable' time."
"She isn't, her letters make me feel like five kinds of dirt."
"You don't have to let her know that. Let me help you write the reply and I'll show you what I mean."
"I must be desperate to be agreeing to this. Heaven help me!"
They went into the study and Elinor sat at Edward's desk. He began rifling through the drawers for paper and a pen. Elinor motioned for him to stop. "This is all my fault," she said while standing. "I sat here because it was closer to the door. What was I thinking imagining that we would be able to find anything within three hours at this desk?" She picked up the letter and went over to her own desk, opening the top drawer to reveal six pens and a neat stack of paper. Elinor smirked.
Edward took a look and sat down. "There is a giant gradient of air pressure in this room, which tends to cause hurricanes on my side. I swear!"
"You don't have to justify it to me. I'm happy as long as the rest of your stuff is tidy. And you certainly don't have to justify it with a story that a sixth grader could punch holes in. Although it would explain why only the desk is messy. You have file cabinets not two meters away that I would defy even Fanny to find less than spotless."
"My desk is a permanent work in progress. It defies analysis or investigation, even if conducted by my brilliant, legal-eagle wife. I'm planning to have featured on Ripley's Believe It Or Not."
"Let me know when Dean Cain gets here."
Edward gasped. "So now the truth comes out! I have a rival for your affections. I'm going to find that scoundrel and call him out. Pistols on the beach at dawn!"
"You might have to get out of my chair to do that."
"On second thought, this is a pretty comfortable chair." His voice dropped to a whisper as he spoke and Elinor leaned closer. "But before I let Superman have you, there's something you must know. It's a secret, come closer." Elinor leaned in some more until Edward grabbed her and pulled her on to his lap. She shrieked in surprise. He held her tightly, pulling her closer until his lips were almost touching her ear. He whispered, "Superman wouldn't take you from me. I've been secretly lacing your food with Kryptonite since our honeymoon."
Elinor laughed and kissed him. "I suppose it's just as well. It's bad enough that your pager calls you away four times a week. With his super-hearing, it would probably be four times a day."
"So now that we've agreed that I'm better than Superman, let's read that letter."
"You make a good chair too. " Elinor made a face at him and handed over the letter.
He tore the envelope and pulled out Lucy's personalized, entirely-too-fancy stationary. "Even Lucy's paper is pretentious." He read the letter aloud.
Dear Elinor,La! What a long time it took you to answer my last. It's quite rude of you. Of course I'm joking, but you must be more careful regarding these matters dear. It reflects badly on you. You must be more attentive to details if you wish to retain the position in society that your marriage brought you. It is of the utmost importance that you maintain the creditable image that I have established for you.
I'm glad you are amusing yourself with your little 'career' my dear, but you must bear in mind that it cannot last forever. Sooner or later, you will have to get down to the serious business of life. You must become a support to your husband and provide him with children. He will not wait forever. And really, you should not be so unreasonable as to expect it.
Edward stopped reading aloud and flipped through the other five pages, pausing to tell Elinor the highlights (gossip, parties, gossip, putdowns, shopping, putdowns and a sentence of relief that the children were back in school).
"I can't believe my brother married this witch."
"At least you escaped."
"I don't think of it as an escape so much as being rescued. You're my hero."
"Ah, flattery will get you everywhere."
"I know," he smirked, ducking to escape the smack aimed at his head. "What you need to convey in your reply is basically that she can go suck on a lemon because frankly, you don't give a damn."
"Why thank you Rhett," she said imitating a southern accent. "How do you suggest I do that?"
"Grab a pen, I'll dictate."
Dear Lucy,I was overjoyed to receive your latest letter. I was just counting the days. Edward and I have been dancing around the house ever since the mail came. Please know that I am keenly aware of your condescension and extreme kindness in acknowledging my existence. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I, a lowly attorney who fights for truth, justice and equality against the evil weasels of the world could be worthy of the time you take out of your busy schedule of shopping, gossip and social brown-nosing. Accept my humble thanks.
You see the reason I don't have children is because Edward and I still haven't come up with a viable way to allow them to see Robert, Robby and Frances but not hear anything you say. But congrats on remembering that you have kids this week. This is the first time you have mentioned them for the last five letters.
I'd write more, but I must confess that I was unable to read to the end of your tiresome letter. I started on page one, but while I was distracted, Edward grabbed the rest to read and mistakenly dropped it into the shredder. As a token of our apology, I enclose several paper stars, made from the remains of your letter.
Sincerely,
Elinor Ferrars
"I don't think I've ever loved you more," beamed Elinor, "but I can't send this!"
"Well of course not. I certainly didn't expect you to...until we make the paper stars."
"Be serious, Lucy's going to spit nails when she reads this. She resents me enough already."
"Ellie relax, no one in their right mind is going to think you wrote this. Besides, you have let Lucy put you down long enough. This is nothing more than half what she deserves."
"Well, I suppose it will make for interesting conversation at the ball next week."
"That's the spirit! Turn the shredder on while I photocopy the letter."
"Edward, I haven't made paper stars since sixth grade, I don't remember how."
"Don't worry, Allison Bourne taught me during our session yesterday. She learned it from her new foster mom."
"How's the poor child doing?"
"Much better, her cast comes off next week." Edward came back to the desk and handed Elinor the original first page of Lucy's letter plus copies of the other five pages. "Those can go with the other letters." He fed the other five original pages through the shredder and began the demonstration.
Two days later at Robert and Lucy's house. Note that the postal service in this fictitious country puts a certain national service to shame.
"Robert, how can you laugh? I've been insulted! And by Elinor of all people."
"Lucy, for crying out loud. What do you expect in response to those nasty letters of yours? I've been asking you to stop writing them for years."
"How dare she! After all I've done for her. I invited her to our parties and introduced her into proper society. And this is how she repays me!
"Lucy, you have to breathe in between sentences. Slow down. If you weren't so wound up, it would be patently obvious that the only thing Elinor had to do with this letter is the handwriting. First off, have you ever heard Elinor call one of her opponents a weasel? That's what Edward calls them. Second, there are no questions about fashion or the kids and no references to the parties we attended. Edward wrote this letter."
"But he wouldn't do that to me! Elinor must have made him do it. Everyone thinks she's so sweet and perfect. She hates me because I'm the only one who sees through her act."
Robert rolled his eyes and tried to explain again, but with no success.
Posted on Wednesday, 14 March 2001
At the doorway of Anne (Nancy) Steele's apartment
James Rushworth had swallowed the nervousness he felt and rung the doorbell a couple minutes ago. He'd made sure that his black suit and spiked hair were perfect, but the nervousness was returning in even stronger force since she hadn't answered yet. A lengthy mental debate had ensued pondering whether ringing again might make him look pushy. Luckily, the door opened before over-thinking caused him any permanent brain damage. Nancy answered the door in a dress that appeared to have a horrifying fear of her knees. Now although his history may lead one to believe that James is a cartoon character, please be assured that he is not. This is proof positive. If he were, by this time, his tongue would have hit the floor, his eyes would have bulged out and we would hear those air-horns used at hockey arenas. Clearly, none of these conditions have been satisfied. In fact, he did nothing but drop the exquisite pink and white roses he had brought for his blind date.
Nancy smiled and said, "You must be James. Well, well, if Elinor had told me you were such a dish, I would have worn something special. I thought this was going to be another boring old blind date." She winked.
After a bit of stammering, James finally regained control of his vocal cords. "You look beautiful, don't apologize. And there's no way I'm going to let you be bored, I'm hoping to score a second date. Besides, this is better than a blind date in two ways. First, no Roger Lodge to crack weak jokes and second no embarrassing pop-ups."
As Nancy and James laughed, the door to the next-door apartment opened to reveal Roger Lodge, a camera crew and the writers/computer guys who produce the pop-ups. Roger smiled insipidly and spoke. "We interrupt this banter to tell you that James has spoken too soon. As per our copyright and agreement with the TV gurus, we will be appearing at every blind date from now until 2173."
The first pop-up read, "James has trust issues with women because his ex-wife cheated on him with her previous ex." Then, "Nancy is a compulsive flirt." Suddenly, there was a blinding light indicating a tear in the space-time continuum, the merging of two dimensions and whatever craziness comes next.
"I've got to remember my shades next time. That's worse than 12374 camera flashes!" The gentle authoress had arrived on the scene and she was noticeably upset. "Alright, that enough of this. Pop-up guys, go back to the studio, you're wrecking the ambience." After they had walked off, Kerry folded her arms and bobbed her head à la I Dream of Jeannie. All of a sudden a UFO materialized, abducted Roger Lodge with a tractor beam and vanished just as quickly. Kerry smirked and surveyed the situation to see how it could be salvaged. She rescued the fallen flowers and handed them to James. "Try it again honey, but with less drooling. That's just not attractive in a man," she told him as she straightened his tie. "Nancy darling, you've got a smidge of lipstick on your teeth." While Nancy took care of that, Kerry continued. "Is there anything else I can do before I make you forget I was here? Have a good time and Jay, don't forget that your reservations are for 8:00. You'd better get going." She snapped her fingers and disappeared. Everything returned to normal, whatever the heck that is when James Rushworth and Anne Steele are concerned. They picked up where they had left off.
"You watch it too!" squealed Nancy. "It's my favourite show even though Roger Lodge is such a big tool."
"Don't get me started. I don't profess to be an expert on the subject but that can't possibly be what ladies go for."
"Trust me it isn't. We like tall, handsome, polite men preferably in black suits." She gave him an unmistakable look.
He smiled at her and then remembered the flowers. "These are for you."
"How sweet! Why don't you come in, it will just take me a minute to put these in water."
He offered to help and they both went into the kitchen. Nancy found a vase and a pair scissors and began to trim the stems. James took the vase and filled it. He turned to bring the vase back to Nancy, but tripped. Truth be told, I don't think it can really be called 'tripping' since there was nothing but thin air between him and his destination. James righted himself and looked up when he heard Nancy gasp. She was dripping wet. "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry."
"It's alright, I'll just go change. At least you missed my hair." She winked and went into another room. While she was changing he refilled the vase and wiped up the mess with an efficiency born of years of causing spills. When she returned around 8:10 in a more elegant and less drenched gown, he was on his cell phone.
"Hello, I'm calling to change my reservations...Party of two for 8:00...Surely something can be found...We had some unforeseen problems...Look I don't care how exclusive you think your restaurant is, this is a very special date and I want a table...No, I don't think you understand, this is James Rushworth speaking...Excellent, we'll be there in half an hour." He hung up the phone.
"Wow! I love a man who's in control," she said, slipping her arm through his and leading him out of the apartment.
"You look great. I hope I didn't cause any permanent damage."
When they got downstairs, Ferguson the chauffeur held the limo door open for them and they were off. James was just telling Nancy that they were almost there when the car slowed to a bumpy stop. The driver apologized profusely and said he could have it changed in a minute. However, Nancy said it was a beautiful night and suggested walking since they were in sight of the restaurant. James instructed the driver to change the tire and meet them later.
"Chez Maurice" was a very fancy French restaurant. Nancy surveyed the place as they were being guided to their table. When they were seated at the table with the menus, she whispered, "I'm almost glad you spilled that water on me. The dress I was wearing before was totally wrong for this place."
"Relax, it's not so intimidating once you get used to it. This place scared me to death before, you only have to learn not to take it so seriously. Want to hear a joke?"
"Sure."
"A man has been seated for a long time at a posh restaurant in Paris. The snooty waiter approaches him and asks if he's ready to order at last. Now this man is a tourist from New York and doesn't know any French so he can't read the menu. He finally admits this and asks the waiter, 'do you have frog's legs?' The waiter replies, 'No, that's just the way my pants are cut.'"
Just then, a waiter appeared with the wine list. James ordered a very expensive champagne and Nancy was very impressed by his command of the French language. The waiter returned with the bottle of champagne and two glasses but had to excuse himself to help another waiter with a particularly heavy tray. Nancy and James waited patiently while the other table was served but it appeared that their waiter had forgotten about them and was going back to the kitchen. "This is silly," James exclaimed, "I can open the bottle myself." He grabbed the bottle and struggled with the cork. It finally gave way and a great deal of the champagne rushed out. Luckily, Nancy was prepared with the glasses and caught most of it, such that very little got on the tablecloth. Thus they both were quite puzzled by the shrieking at the next table. They looked over and saw the brutal aftermath of what had obviously been a remarkable disaster.
The maître d' had rushed over. A waiter had fallen spilling a tray of soup all over the table to which he was delivering it. The occupants had sprung up from the table too quickly causing the whole table along with the place settings and centerpiece to topple over. The fine china had shattered and the floating candles in the centerpiece had set fire to the tablecloth. The party who had been dining were berating the waiter who in turn was explaining to the maître d' that something had hit him in the side like a bullet and he had lost his balance. Another two waiters had frantically rushed forward to extinguish the flames and only added to the mess. Thankfully, no one was injured. Nancy looked over at James with an expression of revelation on her face. "Do you suppose the champagne cork hit him?" They frantically looked around and found that the cork had instead of falling, found its way into the fire at the neighbouring table. At last the commotion ended and the mess was cleared.
They hors d'oeuvres they had ordered arrived. Nancy liked the 'esscargotz' James had ordered very much. "I've never eaten fancy food like this before. Not even at my sister's place and she's the Queen of fancy. I'm going to tell her all about this. What are they made of?"
"I don't know. My French really only goes as far as light conversation. I must confess I used to skip French a lot in school. If you would like, I could ask the waiter." Nancy agreed and the waiter was summoned.
For the sake of context, 'escargot' is not pronounced 'ess-car-gotz'. The waiter had served James many times and it annoyed him to no end that this man had money and beautiful dates but no wits. He was tired of listening to his mangled French and furthermore if he heard that 'frog's legs' joke even one more time he was going to take drastic measures. Thus he was not in a particularly good mood when James posed Nancy's question. He turned to her and said, "Why mademoiselle, did you not know? They are snails in garlic sauce," and abruptly left.
Nancy looked at her plate in horror. She took a few sips of her champagne. Even James could not fail to notice that she was turning green. After a few seconds she jumped up and ran to the ladies' room. When she returned she was noticeably paler. James stood immediately and pulled her chair out for her and gave her a glass of water.
"Are you alright? Would you like me to take you home?"
"No, that's not necessary. I feel better now."
The waiter had returned and asked if they were ready to order.
Nancy handed the menu to James. "There's no point in my reading this. It might as well be in Sanskrit for all I can read of it. I think I'll be skipping the entrée though. Please order me a salad, but make sure it hasn't got any creepy-crawlies thrown in."
"Are you sure that's all you want?"
She nodded. "Dessert is safe around here right? Then there's no problem."
James ordered the food and butchered some more French words and rules of grammar. Having written the order down, the waiter walked away, muttering bitterly. The rest of the meal passed enjoyably since the couple was perfectly matched in personality and interests. The restaurant even redeemed itself in Nancy's eyes when the dessert cart was brought for her inspection. But it must be mentioned that the other patrons of the restaurant were relieved when the two of them left. Their raucous laughter as well as the knock-knock jokes they had shared over dessert had been irritating.
While they were sitting in the car, they decided that 10:00 was too early for such fun to end, so they settled on a movie. On the way to the theatre the car began to slow inexplicably and stopped. They were just speculating on the cause when Ferguson lowered the partition that separated him from his passengers and explained that they'd run out of gas but that there was an extra can in the trunk.
"We'll be off in no time; this has happened before so they've got lots of practice," James said apologetically.
She winked at him mischievously. "I must say, it's been at least ten years since any of my dates have tried this I'm-out-of-gas-on-a-deserted-road makeout stunt."
James was intrigued. "Are you saying that this stunt works for you?"
"Considering the car and the guy that go with it, I suppose it might."
The car started to move just as he was leaning over to kiss her. His aim went awry and he kissed her cheek. She smiled and said, "That was really sweet Jay, but this was more what I had in mind." She had just barely touched her lips to his when the car jerked to a stop and she slid off of the seat. "We are going to have to try this on solid ground. I can't take this any more."
James smiled, "I know what you mean. I'm just going to get out and see what the problem is."
They both got out and to their horror they saw Ferguson frantically trying to put out a fire in the engine. Nancy grabbed James' cell phone and called 911. They stood huddled together until the firemen arrived and everything was straightened out.
"I don't think we're going to make it to the movie. I'm so sorry, I didn't want this night to end so soon. Not only because I really like you, but this is the most successful date I've ever been on."
"We're not that far from my place. If you'll walk me home sir, we can rectify this kissing problem we seem to be having."
"With pleasure my lady." And with that they walked off into the night. It began as a blind date, but even Jay and Nancy (as I will be hereafter referring to them), with their limited insight could tell that this was perfect.
Posted on Wednesday, 28 March 2001
Mid-September, the fabled ball at Norland
Margaret sighed with relief when she found her sisters and brothers-in-law. "Oh thank goodness you're here. Mom's talking with Mrs. Middleton, Nick went to check our coats and I'm not ready to talk to anyone else yet. I haven't had a chance to warm up the frivolous chit-chat section of my brain."
"I've never noticed that you've had any trouble in that department before Mar-Mar," quipped Edward. She stuck her tongue out at him.
Elinor looked around furtively and whispered, "Mar, I want to know what stunt you're planning to pull tonight."
"I'm going to be on my best behaviour, I promise. Good behaviour even by Fanny's standards"
Peter scoffed, "In your own words, 'as if!' What have you got up your sleeve? We need to be prepared if there's going to be sneezing powder in the hors d'oeuvres again."
Margaret looked insulted. "I don't repeat pranks and I resent that you would imply that I was so unimaginative."
"Look, no one is trying to belittle your...skills, but if I laugh today in front of these people, the way I did last weekend, Fanny is going to flip out and for once I wouldn't blame her. This is an important night for Rob. Help me out," pleaded Edward.
"I felt bad about that, so I decided to include this party in a two-week prank moratorium. Even ask Nick if you can find him."
"Ask Nick what?" Nick asked, arriving just at that moment.
"We're trying to get Mar to tell us what tonight's scheme is," explained Marianne.
"She's not planning anything because in the car on the way back to Barton last week, she swore not to commit another practical joke for two weeks. Especially this party. It's too bad though, I mean this kind of stuff is right up my mom's alley, but even my dad is still laughing about that last one."
"I'm going to tear my hair out if someone doesn't tell me what happened right now! Stupid late weekend meetings. Marianne tried to, but she can't get past, 'We were all sitting there...' without laughing hysterically."
"It was great. We were all sitting there around the dinner table..." Edward paused when Marianne started laughing but quickly picked up again when he saw the murderous look in Peter's eyes. "Elinor and I had just brought dessert out, and Lucy was talking to James, who Anne insisted on bringing at the last minute."
"Ellie fixed them up on a blind date and they've really hit it off," supplied Margaret.
"They were talking about his cousin, Lady Beatrice Something-or-other, and Lucy was practically drooling. She kept hinting that he should propose to Anne," Edward finished.
"Meanwhile," laughed Nick, "Nancy is gushing to my mother in her usual style about how wonderful he is. And it's true. They're so right for each other. Anyway, Nancy overhears Lucy and exclaims that they've only been on three dates. She was worried that Lucy would scare Jay off."
"Little did she know that Jay's mind is running in a completely different direction. He pulls a little black jeweler's box out of his jacket pocket, gets down on one knee and proposes. It was so romantic. I always thought that he was a bit of a goof when I saw him at the office, but it was a beautiful proposal. Frances even conceded that maybe not all boys have cooties and you know how she's been screaming about that for the past year," laughed Elinor. "Anne accepted and kissed him."
"And were not talking a peck either, she planted one on him," interjected Margaret.
"We all clapped and congratulated them," said Marianne, who clearly was struggling with laughter. "And then Lucy decided to jump up and make a toast to..." she trailed off into hysterical laughter. Elinor, Edward and Nick joined her.
"What's so funny?" exploded Peter, "I still don't see how this has anything to do with you Mar."
Margaret tried to keep a subdued air about her as she told the story, but she couldn't control the victorious pride in her voice. "Nick and I had stayed over the night before. Elinor was busy in the kitchen so I offered to set the table and make place cards. I had run in to Lucy a few days before at Mrs. Jennings' place and she'd shown me the fuzzy yellow dress she was planning to wear. She said, and I quote, "This is my new dress and I'm wearing it to Elinor's this weekend. Don't copy me and make a spectacle of yourself. Mrs. Jennings will be my witness that I warned you." I got a bit upset and snapped that Mrs. Jennings would be my witness that I promised not to make a spectacle of myself. Anyway, when I was setting the table, I replaced her seat cushion with a similar-looking one covered in velcro. So when she got up to make the toast, she should have been stuck to her seat by the fuzzy dress, but she wasn't."
"Didn't the velcro work?"
"The dress was quite flimsy and the velcro worked too well. A rather large section of the dress on which she'd be sitting tore off. I hadn't anticipated getting such a view. Let's just say her green panties didn't quite match with the rest of the ensemble. She had to wear her coat to cover up until Robert got sick of her whining and took her and the kids home."
"This is a brand new low, even for you Mar," managed Peter between his laughter and tears.
At length, the group composed themselves and mingled.
Posted on Wednesday, 28 March 2001
Aside from mindless chitchat and other social-climbing maneuvers practiced by Lucy and her ilk, the purpose of this 'grand ball' was to kick start Robert's campaign for re-election to his seat in parliament. Note that the term 're-election' was now in use. As you may recall, Robert and Fanny were bold enough to oppose Lucy and make jokes about this very topic earlier, but in the face of her wrath following the velcro-dress incident they had surrendered unconditionally. So while Robert's signs and ads might not agree, verbally the campaign was referred to as a 're-election campaign'. Several hapless canvassers had learned the hard way that truth or accuracy was useless in arguing with Lucy. It was hoped that one day, with proper psychiatric treatment, they might recover, but then again... Anyhow, the evening was outwardly meant to be political.
As such, lots of TV, radio, magazine, newspaper, (etc.) people had interviewed Robert and then moved on to their current target, Lucy. However upon espying Elinor who had just won a very public case against a slumlord they abruptly left Lucy to interview her.
Lucy was stunned. Who on Earth cared about some stupid little trial when they could have been discussing her (Lucy's) new dress? Elinor's dress wasn't even a designer original. She turned around muttering, "Elinor, Elinor, Elinor."
"Lucy, we are not the Brady Bunch!" said Mrs. Ferrars who had observed the whole scene in amusement.
"What is so great about her? Why am I always passed over for her? Everyone always takes her side as if she were some kind of goddess or something. Edward, Uncle Pratt, Robert, Fanny, Robby and Frances, Anne and now these reporters. Lately even you've been friendly with her."
Lucy looked genuinely upset, so Mrs. Ferrars tried to be sympathetic. "Now, now, Lucy. Do be composed. You and Elinor are not in a competition for anyone's regard. Elinor has had some success recently and so at the moment, she is the center of attention. It will not last forever."
"I could dress like a princess doll, I could play on people's sympathies, I could have gone to law school..."
"Lucy wasn't your GPA a 2.1?" (note: that's about a 65% average)
She continued as if she hadn't heard. "There's nothing unique about her! Why does she get noticed and praised and respected? Why does she get everyone's support, everyone's attention and a husband who's madly in love with her through no effort on her part?"
"Try to calm yourself dear. You're not helping yourself by flying off the handle. Now, you know that Ellie has worked very hard for all the things she's accomplished. And you are not so badly off. The family has stood by you. We all are here to help Robert become an elected official and thus improve your position. And you are very well liked too. Wherever you go, you always...make an impression. If you think you have the ability to do it, you could start a career. Robby and Frances are not babies any longer and they spend most of their time with Abby anyhow. I've always wondered what I missed out on by choosing to stay at home. We'd all be very proud of you."
"Robert probably wouldn't even notice," snorted Lucy.
"Now don't be ridiculous. Robert does have his own way of viewing the world at times, but he is not so dense as all that," Mrs. Ferrars snapped in annoyance.
Lucy realized she had gone too far. Not wanting to loose Mrs. Ferrars sympathy, she tried a new tack, attacking Mrs. Ferrars' newfound respect of Elinor. "I do not see what is so great about being a career woman. I stayed home to devote myself to my husband and children. Is my effort less valuable than that witch Elinor's? They've been married more than four years and still have no children. That's disgraceful for a woman, career or not, wouldn't you agree mom?"
"Honestly Lucy, be quiet! You stayed home to devote yourself to shopping, social climbing and yourself! You do nothing around the house, the children never see you. I will not get involved in your relationship with Robert. That is your business and I daresay that you are both at fault. However, you will leave Edward and Elinor alone. If you had any sense you would try to be more like Elinor instead of always running her down!" Mrs. Ferrars turned and left Lucy with her mouth hanging open.