Beginning, Section II
Posted on Monday, 2 October 2000
Norland was one of the largest and most fashionable chains of department stores in the country. It was started by Mr. Dashwood, who saw his flagship store become quite profitable and enjoyed a very comfortable income for his whole life. Being a widower with no children, he decided that when he died, the company should be turned over to his late brother's son, Henry, the vice-president of his company. Henry was a very ambitious businessman, and before the death of his uncle started the expansion of Norland into a chain of stores. Mr. Dashwood grew very close to his nephew and invited him and his second wife and three young daughters to live with him on the family estate, Norland Park. As the years passed, their business expanded and they became very rich. Aside from Henry's income as vice-president, the bulk of the money was kept in Mr. Dashwood's name since he was in theory the head of the company.
Late one night, about ten years ago, Mr. Dashwood and Henry were returning from visiting some of the more distant branches of the Norland chain, their car was hit by another car, whose driver was drunk. Henry was killed instantly, but Mr. Dashwood lingered until the next day at the hospital. Mrs. Henry Dashwood, and her three daughters, Elinor (19), Marianne, (17) and Margaret (13) were beside themselves with grief. Henry's son from his first marriage, John Dashwood was sad, but he was not a very emotional man. He was a calm man by nature, and his wife Fanny had made him cold.
As it turned out, the late Mr. Dashwoods had not planned for the possibility that Henry might die first. Consequently, the company and all of the assets in the senior Mr. Dashwood's name including the house were left to John since he was now to be head of the company according to a codicil in the will, which had never been changed after Henry and his family had moved in. Mrs. Dashwood and her daughters were left only with Henry's personal savings. While one hundred thousand dollars was a great deal of money, it was insufficient for a widow who had not had a job in twenty years and three teenage girls, only one of whom had even started university. John was not naturally a cruel man. Seeing that he was a multimillionaire with people to see to the business and all of his affairs and that his stepmother and sisters were left with little, he told them to consider his home their home for as long as they chose.
But he had not counted on the feelings of his wife. Fanny had never liked her husband's stepmother and sisters. They were too kind, too nice, too down-to-earth for her taste. They lacked the reserve necessary in the very rich. As you can probably guess Fanny's family was a bunch of snobs and she was the prime example. Without any action that would excite her husband's notice she made Mrs. Dashwood and the girls feel like intruders in their own home. Mrs. Dashwood was a proud woman and would not have put up with it for so long if she had not seen that Fanny's visiting brother Edward (the only good person in the family, taking after his father) and her eldest daughter Elinor were very fond of each other. Mrs. Dashwood was a romantic and had no wish to separate them. However, when September came and it was time for Elinor to return to Barton University, her mother saw no further need to bear Fanny's insolence. She knew John meant well, but she was also not blind to the fact that inviting them to stay at Norland was in part meant to prevent them from expecting any monetary share of the Dashwood estate. So they all moved into the apartment complex that Elinor had lived in the previous year, which was owned by a distant relative of Mrs. Dashwood, Mr. Middleton.
Mr. and Mrs. Middleton were the Dashwood's landlords and live in a big house close to the complex. They are social butterflies just like before and just as annoying. Mrs. Jennings is a rich, retired widow who lives with her daughter and son-in-law. Matchmaking is her only hobby. She has a condo in London, to which she invites Elinor and Marianne to spend their winter holidays (~3 weeks).
Anne and Lucy Steele were both students at Barton. For the purposes of this story, they were 22 year old (at the time) fraternal twins (so that they're both older than Elinor, but still attending the university). They were just at university for show, Anne to gossip and date countless frat boys and Lucy to make herself appear intelligent and cultured. Lucy was engaged to Edward, and it was a big secret because as I mentioned before, Edward's family was (is) a bunch of rich and powerful jerks. Edward didn't know Lucy's selfish nature. He believed she was a nice girl and in love with him, so he was with her out of obligation. He dated her seriously for a few months before he realized how one-dimensional she was. However, after he broke up with her, it turned out she was pregnant. Having grown up with out his father, Edward did not wish the same fate for his child. He proposed to Lucy. She later miscarried the baby, and after that held Edward to the engagement by manipulating his guilt and his grief. Edward wanted to tell his family about the engagement but Lucy dissuaded him (she wanted to wait for the family money). He thought they were waiting for him to finish his Ph.D. in psychology so that he could support them independent of his mother's money. He was unsure of his career goal. He met Elinor Dashwood (recall, 19) when he was 24. He was (is) in love with her but tried to convince himself otherwise (she's too young, I'm engaged, it's wrong to treat Lucy this way, blah blah, all that other noble soap opera rhetoric). Meanwhile, Lucy heard him say, "Elinor," in his sleep. Perhaps we should not speculate as to the litany of curses that ran through Lucy's head at this unprecedented event. Suffice it to say she became incredibly jealous, not to mention worried that her fortune was slipping through her fingers. So she found out who 'Elinor' was and set about breaking her heart and securing her (Lucy's) fortune (i.e. Edward) through further manipulation.
Please note that since nowadays it usually does not matter if you are elder or younger, I am making Robert thirty years old at this point in the story (Fanny is 27, Edward is 24). Edward's brother Robert has always felt a deep-seated jealousy towards Edward, who was their father's favourite. Robert is the favourite of Mrs. Ferrars and Fanny Dashwood because he has chosen to become a politician, which they feel is a distinguished profession. They are annoyed with Edward's choice of psychology and continually try to convince him to do something else. Robert encourages them in this because of his subconscious desire to undermine Edward. When Mrs. Ferrars discovered Edward's engagement to Lucy and cuts off his tuition money, it was this desire that drove Robert to seek Lucy out and eventually marry her when he received a large sum of money from his mother for his first campaign. He was disappointed that Edward took it so 'well' (i.e. Edward pretty much jumped up and cheered).
Willoughby was a student in Lucy's year at Barton. Mrs. Smith and her money don't exist. To put some volunteer work on his resume, he became assistant-conductor of the high school orchestra. This is how he met Marianne (the pianist). He dated her but left her for a rich college girl, (Sophia Grey). His dealings with Eliza Williams were exactly as they are set out in the book except in two details (he doesn't duel with Colonel Brandon and Eliza is 17 like Marianne).
Unfortunately for Colonel Brandon, as far as I know, 35 is entirely too young to be a Colonel these days. I'm thinking Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. Plus, I don't like the idea of a modern 35-year-old being in love with a teenager (of course, I'm not saying it doesn't happen). So Colonel Brandon is now Lieutenant Brandon, 27 years old, and working as an army lawyer after being retired from active duty because of an injury suffered in Kosovo. He rescued 45 trapped children from a burning school and injured his knee pulling the last child from the wreckage. He's a hero! Also, I've decided to give him a first name: Peter. While I'm on the subject of names, all new names in this story (i.e. names not given by Jane Austen) come from a television program seen on the day that part was written. Peter is from a rerun of Counterstrike. He was Eliza's guardian because her mother his older cousin, who he was not in love with mind you, made him the godfather (without the voice or the scary music or the Mafia). Some other girl who we cannot detest too much broke his heart. So Lieutenant Peter meets Elinor (recall she is interning at a law firm) and they became friends. Then of course, he met Marianne, fell in love with her and was wretchedly jealous of Willoughby.
(Author's note: Don't read the next sentence out loud or you'll run out of oxygen!) So as far as the end of the book is concerned, Robert and Lucy were married, Elinor and Edward were engaged, Lieutenant Brandon helped Edward get a student loan, Elinor was headed for law school, Marianne was to start studying music in university in order to become a music teacher, Margaret was in tenth grade, Willoughby signed a prenuptial agreement and thus was trapped if he wanted Sophia's money, because they were cheesed at Robert, Mrs. Ferrars and Fanny forgave Edward but offered him no help because they resented his choice of Elinor.
In the intervening nine years (up to the beginning of my story, recall the events of the book take about a year, yes, we're almost there!):
Elinor graduated from law school and married Edward (they're very happy). They don't have children yet, because Elinor is trying to solidify her position at the law firm where she works, which is coincidentally in Delaford where Colonel Brandon lives. With Elinor's support, Edward decided to become a child psychiatrist. He spends half of his time in a private practice and half of his time working for free at the Children's Aid Society's Delaford branch. (Isn't that sweet and unselfish of him? He is an Austen hero after all!)
Marianne teaches music in high school. When she was 23, Peter (now a Captain, although I have no clue if this is the next rank up from lieutenant, but I think it is higher) finally worked up the courage to ask her out. She fell madly in love with him and was later heard to say "John who?" when Margaret brought Willoughby up (as a punch line of course). They have been married for three years and have a two year old daughter named Grace (rerun of the Nanny) .
Lucy and Robert are indifferent to each other. He is serving a term in parliament in place of an elected member who died. He has as yet never won an election. Lucy is keeping up appearances for the sake of money and prestige, which are her true loves. They have two kids, Robby Jr. and Frances (named after Aunt Fanny) who are more attached to their nanny, Abby (episode of Dharma and Greg), than to their parents and act like brats outside her presence. Lucy is jealous of Elinor and Edward's loving relationship, psychotically blames Elinor for her own unhappiness and thus does everything she can to take her anger out on Elinor.
Margaret grew up and is now in her first year of medical school and is living with her boyfriend, so she's very busy and appears in e-mail messages and at family holiday functions and the like, where she mainly serves as comic relief. (She's the official tosser of snappy one-liners). Mrs. Dashwood joined a bridge club and made many new friends. She shares a house with some of them.
John and Fanny are themselves the same. They have one son, Harry (Duh! You all know that), who is 8 years old, i.e. born after the end of the book's time frame. Since John is smart enough to let the other executives run Norland, the chain of stores is still very profitable. This is a very comforting prospect to Fanny and Mrs. Ferrars who are thus free to fund and direct Robert's so-called political career (in addition to Robert and Lucy's lives).
Posted on Tuesday, 10 October 2000
Since the story has moved through time in a non-linear fashion so far, I'm going to list some characters' current ages to eliminate some confusion.
Elinor 29, Edward 34 (married 3 1/2 years)
Lucy 32, Robert 40 (married 9 years)
Marianne 27, Peter 37 (married 4 years)
Margaret 23
Christmas Day at Mr. John Dashwood's London Townhouse (Harley St.)
He could not help it, the dress was hideous and made the lady's complexion look very sallow. Anyone with so many gold beads standing out on a red dress (so many that they rattled when she walked) was asking to have them removed. He had collected a pile of about sixty beads. Harry usually knew better than to misbehave when his Aunt Ellie was visiting the house. She was not severe, but she had a way of explaining your behaviour to you that made you feel that it was wrong and that it should not be repeated. And when she and Uncle Edward gave you a present, they weren't trying to impress mom. They bought what you would like. Oops, he had to remember to call her Aunt Elinor, mom and Grandmother got annoyed when he showed that he liked her. Truth be told, she was his favourite aunt. She always had a game to play, a story to tell or at the very least, cookies. Aunts Marianne and Margaret were nice too, but he didn't see them very often, and Aunt Lucy was very boring. All she did was praise his mother and grandmother. She gave him sweater vests as presents. He was often included in her flattery, and he had made a sort of game from this. How naughty he could be before she would show her true colours and hiss at him to get lost in front of his mother or grandmother? It hadn't happened yet, but he was trying (sorry about the pun ;-) and now she frequently did so outside their presence. It was only a matter of time. Her kids always caused trouble, and were no fun to play with at all. Plus she was often nasty to Aunt Elinor and Uncle Edward, and this made Harry wish to harass her all the more. He reached for another of the golden beads on Aunt Lucy's ridiculous red gown and was about to pull it loose when he noticed Aunt Ellie beckoning him to come to her.
"Really Harry! You will spoil your Aunt's dress," she said. After some short admonitions and his repentance, she told him a story about pirates until the dinner bell rang. Harry was glad he could escape to the kitchen for dinner even if his cousins Robby Jr. and Frances had to come with him. Little did he know that Aunt Elinor was wishing she could do the same.
Edward left his conversation with his brother and brother-in-law to offer his arm to Elinor. She accepted it, and turned to him whispering, "Edward, I can't tell you how glad I am that we are not staying the night. We have been but an hour in this house and yet it seems like an eternity!"
He laughed and replied, "At least they have ignored you so far. I have received advice on every subject from every member of the party except you and little Harry."
"I can only hope my luck continues then," she said, smirking. He gave her arm a loving squeeze and pulled her chair out. Edward grimaced when he saw the place cards and noticed that she was to sit next to Lucy and across from his sister, who was beside him.
The meal itself was unremarkable, and like those dinners that had preceded it, it was a testament to the mistress' love for show, and the master's ability to support it. The conversation was unremarkable until the second course, when Mrs. Ferrars Sr. remarked, "Edward, you have grown quite thin and pale since we saw you last month. You must take better care of yourself. If only you had listened to me. This is all because your duties are too much for you and your home is too uncomfortable."
*Maybe I should fake a headache to get out of here faster...no, I can't, that's what I did last month...Well at least they're not talking to me.* (Note: these are Elinor's thoughts.)
Edward rolled his eyes. "You are very much mistaken mother. My health is quite as good as it was when you visited Delaford. My duties give me a sense of usefulness and purpose, and my home, while not luxurious, is quite comfortable. Elinor is a wonderful wife. I cannot imagine a situation in which I could be happier."
Fanny looked doubtful and said, "You know Edward, it is not too late to correct your mistakes. You might still distinguish yourself by studying the law or entering parliament."
*Haven't they heard the expression, 'Beating a dead horse'? How can it still only be 7:30?*
"I chose my career path very carefully. My work with underprivileged children is very rewarding and I am not going to abandon it. I might become 'distinguished', and possibly richer, but not happier sister," Edward then turned to John Dashwood and began a conversation about golf, hoping that this would end the discussion of his life. This proved to be an error in judgment.
Mrs. Ferrars continued quietly to Fanny and Lucy as if Elinor were not present. "If he had followed my advice and married Miss Morton, instead of this country nobody, he could have resided in his own home instead of renting and kept a suitable car of his own instead of that wreck they share. Instead, he stubbornly persisted and look at his condition now! A government social worker!"
Elinor's colour rose, but she refrained from making a reply. Fanny replied to her mother, "It is done mother, and it cannot be altered. Edward has outlived his usefulness. We must focus our energies on Robert to raise our family's status."
*Why doesn't my pager ever go off in these situations? Give Edward and I two seconds alone together and its beeping could wake the dead.*
Lucy could not resist putting in her two cents. "Of course Mrs. Ferrars, my husband, your devoted son is most obliged to follow the course you and my dear sister-in-law chose. The reputation of our family (if I may be so bold as to include myself in such an excellent group) is of great importance to us. I am eternally grateful for your countenance of our connection."
*Who still talks like that? She's laying it on with a shovel. You've got to give Lucy credit for her acting skills at least. But I'm still the one using base tricks, of course.*
"My darling child, how could you suspect that it would be otherwise? Fanny and I know that you share our views. We are only aggravated by a certain outsider who has insinuated herself into our family through base tricks and convinced my son to ignore our advice. She has corrupted him to such a degree, that he has no respect for my wishes," declared Mrs. Ferrars.
Elinor stared at her plate and sighed. At least Edward had not heard this latest exchange. The root of the previous declaration was the rather serious admonitions that Edward had given his mother regarding her lack of respect for his wife soon after their wedding and frequently since. Elinor knew she had done nothing to merit this shabby treatment from his family, but that comfort was wearing thin after years of marriage. It was very irritating to see the preferential treatment Lucy received. *Isn't Edward wearing his pager? Maybe it's broken.*
Posted on Sunday, 15 October 2000
Finally dinner was over and the family was once again seated in the drawing room. As if running on a schedule, all three of the other ladies began to grill Elinor and Edward while John and Robert discussed toothpick cases. Fanny started the charge, "So Elinor, how is your little law practice coming along? Last I heard, you never left the office." Elinor sighed before she began, "Fanny, you know I work for Hayes & Rockwell, the second largest law firm in the country. There's nothing little about it. I work very hard, but luckily, I don't have to work 70-hour weeks anymore, I have some paralegals to do research for me. I just won my fifth employment equity case, and the firm has decided to make me a partner as of July 1st next year."
"Are you making enough for your pocket money? Goodness knows you have little but your income. I'm so glad I don't have to work. I, like dear sister Fanny, am fortunate enough to be able to stay home and support my husband and raise my children. It's every woman's dream," interjected Lucy.
Seeing that Lucy's patronage was annoying Elinor, Edward jumped into the conversation. "Lucy don't be ridiculous. Elinor is the highest paid associate at her firm. If I had one fewer patient in my private practice she'd be making more than I do. As it is, when she makes partner next year she will be making more by far."
Mrs. Ferrars sniffed, "Edward! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? The husband is supposed to provide for the family."
"Luckily mother, I woke up and joined the 21st century. It's a wonderful place, the three of you should visit sometime. If my male ego were bruised and it is not, I must say there are compensations in having a brilliant and beautiful wife."
Lucy wanted to divert the conversation from praise of Elinor and thus said, "I would be ashamed if I were you, Elinor. You've been married for more than three years. Why at that point in my marriage I had a two-year-old and a new baby. When are you going to fulfill your duty as a wife and have children like darling Robby and Frances?" She smiled at Mrs. Ferrars who smiled indulgently back and then looked disdainfully at Elinor and pointedly at Edward.
She had the pleasure of finally seeing Elinor get a little ruffled. "We have decided to wait until after I make partner to have children. Then I'll have a staff and the power to delegate my responsibilities. This way both of us will be able to spend time with our child. We think it wrong to leave a child with a nanny if it can be avoided," said Elinor with a significant glance at Lucy, who remained silent for once.
"How will you keep a child in that squalorous apartment you live in? And your car is running on a shoestring. If you had listened to us, you wouldn't have any of these problems."
"Really Fanny, weren't you even listening to what I told you in answer to your questions before dinner? We have a new car, it's a Volvo. We parked in the driveway so if you want you can see it from the window. It's brand new, handles well, is very safe and seats five. Our apartment is not squalorous, it is a bit small granted, but it is well maintained, and very comfortable. Elinor and I keep it very clean, and if we chose to raise a child there, he or she would do very well. However, we have been saving up and have made a down payment on a house. It's right by a school and a park in a beautiful neighbourhood two streets down from Marianne and Peter. There are five bedrooms. By April, the construction will be complete, so we can have a nursery when we wish."
"She makes you do housework, Edward? How shameful, I have a maid now, but before that I did everything," said Lucy, once again throwing in her two cents.
"I believe marriage is an equal partnership, Lucy. Elinor works longer hours than I do. It's unreasonable to expect her to do all of the housework. Maintaining a house is a full-time job, even if she were a homemaker like you, I could hardly expect my wife to run the house and care for our children by herself. It wouldn't be fair to any of us. We wouldn't be able to spend any time together."
And thus the conversation continued, with Edward and Elinor sticking to facts and Mrs. Ferrars, Fanny and Lucy ignoring the facts. Basically, the only way to get through a 'chat' with them was to ignore the majority of what they said and all of how they said it. Lucy in particular was unreasonable. It hurt her to see how loving and considerate Edward was to Elinor, when Robert had all but forgotten she (Lucy) existed.
Posted on Tuesday, 24 October 2000
Please note that words within colons (ex. :::Kerry is typing frantically so she doesn't forget what she's trying to say:::) signify actions performed by the author of an e-mail and names in squiggly brackets (ex. {{{Lizzy}}} ) signify an e-hug given by the author of the e-mail to the person whose name is in the brackets. I think the notation is different on this message board but I don't want to make a mistake by switching back and forth, so I'm sticking with the old and familiar.
Relevant excerpts of e-mails sent between Elinor Ferrars, Marianne Brandon and Margaret Dashwood over the next couple of weeks (late December-January):
eferrars@hayes&rockwell.com, mbrandon@delaford.com and margaretd@meds.barton.edu
Excerpt of e-mail sent from Elinor Ferrars to Marianne Brandon and Margaret Dashwood
...Yesterday we had dinner at Fanny and John's. Thank heavens we're spending New Year's at your place Marianne. How can someone like Edward be related to those people? I don't know what to say to them anymore. I used to be able to comfort myself and pull through, but either my tolerance is being worn down or they are becoming more vicious. "When are you going to have kids, your apartment is "sqaulorous", a woman's place is in the home, if Edward had listened to us..." Lucy is getting particularly hostile. She spent half the evening shooting me dirty looks with encouragement from Fanny and Mrs. Ferrars. I don't think Fanny and Mrs. F. even remember that if Robert had listened to them, he wouldn't have married Lucy.
Excerpt of reply from Marianne Brandon to Elinor Ferrars and Margaret Dashwood
....I can't tell you how relieved I am that John and Fanny only invite me to their anniversary parties. I don't know how you manage. I don't consider myself a violent person but when I'm around Lucy and Mrs. Ferrars I feel as though I'm going to snap. Rather you than I!
Excerpt of reply from Margaret Dashwood to Elinor Ferrars and Marianne Brandon
...If I hear Lucy call Mrs. F, "mom," with that syrupy voice just one more time, I am going to wretch all over her 'expensive Italian pumps'. Ellie, you have my deepest sympathies. If you were younger, your in-laws would qualify as child-abuse. Of course then you and Eddie would have run into all kinds of legal problems in your relationship (you're a lawyer: figure it out) so maybe I should just abandon this scenario. And yes, if you're reading this Edward, I am still referring to you as "Eddie," and quite frequently I might add. Deal with it! If you keep calling me Mar-Mar Binks, you're going to sleep with the fishes! And then Ellie will be upset with me because you'll smell terrible. {{{Eddie}}} You know I love you. Leave Elinor to her fun dinner parties and run off to the Bahamas with me!
Excerpt of reply from Elinor Ferrars to Margaret Dashwood and Marianne Brandon
...Fun? There were only two enjoyable moments throughout the whole party. One was the look on their faces when Edward told them that as a partner I'd make more than he does. That was a Kodak moment. The other was when I caught Harry pulling apart Lucy's dress. You two may not believe me when I tell you, but do you remember when we went shopping for dresses for the firm's cocktail party last month, and Margaret tried on all those horrible dresses as a joke? Well Lucy was wearing the "human-maracas" dress, the red one with the rattling gold beads. Harry must have pulled off at least sixty of them, and when I tried to scold him (laughing the whole time) he told me that the last time she wore the dress he pulled off 78! I wonder what he's planning to do with 138 gold beads. Mar, Edward says, "Mar-Mar mees-a not happy! Stop calling me Eddie!"
Excerpt of reply from Marianne Brandon to Elinor Ferrars and Margaret Dashwood
...Mar, just exactly how many times did you and Edward watch that crazy movie? Ellie, I wish I could believe that you were joking about the dress, but then I have flashbacks of that dress Lucy wore to John and Fanny's party two years ago, the one with all the fruits printed on it. Remember the look on Fanny's face after she had finished telling everyone in the banquet hall how expensive and fashionable the haute-cuisine meal they were eating was, and Margaret practically shouted that Lucy's dress was a better deal because it was cheap and more appetizing?
Excerpt of reply from Margaret Dashwood to Elinor Ferrars and Marianne Brandon
...Next Christmas Ellie, you and Eddie should get Lucy a copy of "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion". I've never seen it mind you, but according to the commercials it's about two loser girls who invent these glamourous fantasy lives to impress their classmates. I think Lucy would empathize. Thank goodness I'm ditching the next party, Nick's parents invited me to spend that weekend at their place. Note to Eddie: I have to call you Eddie, you and Ellie are a matched set (except for the L's and the D's). Stop calling me Mar-Mar!
Note to M: I think we saw it 3 times in the theatre, unknown on video (at least 12).
Excerpt of reply from Marianne Brandon to Elinor Ferrars and Margaret Dashwood
...Margaret, I don't care if Nick's family has invited you to Cinderella's Grand Ball on the Moon. You are not weaseling out of the anniversary party. The only acceptable excuse for abandoning Ellie and I in that snob-fest is death...your own! You can have fun with your dreamy boyfriend's :::Marianne imitates Margaret's "thinking about Nicky" spaced out look::: normal family some other time!....
Excerpt of reply from Margaret Dashwood to Elinor Ferrars and Marianne Brandon
...Marianne, need I remind you of your own behaviour? :::Margaret imitates M's "Peter-at-a-pool-party drool"::: Are you trying to compare me to some Backstreet Boy-obsessed teenybopper? Despite your meanness I've rescheduled with Nick :::Margaret spaces out::: and his family. I told them straight out that I couldn't abandon my sisters in their hour of need. Apparently they know John, Fanny and the gang because when I tried to explain they said they understood from first-hand experience.
Excerpt of reply from Elinor Ferrars to Margaret Dashwood and Marianne Brandon
...I guess they're notorious! I'm glad you're coming, that makes one more person to keep Lucy away from me. Mom has already promised to start a long conversation about fashions during the dinner to distract her if we're sitting close together ;-)
Excerpt of reply from Margaret Dashwood to Elinor Ferrars and Marianne Brandon
...I was just thinking about the beads, maybe he'll spill them on the floor and Lucy will go slipping and sliding as if she were in a Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon!
Posted on Thursday, 26 October 2000
Early March in Peter and Marianne Brandon's living room (Delaford)
Elinor sipped her tea and grimaced. "Marianne, I think you gave me Mar's tea by mistake, there's no sugar in it."
"Oh thank goodness, I noticed the sugar when I tried my cup, but I didn't want to get up and fix another! I'm exhausted," exclaimed Margaret while exchanging cups.
"How can you be so lazy Mar? You got here at 9 p.m. last night, went straight to bed and didn't get up until I threw you out of bed at 10 a.m. What on Earth are you going to do in two years when you have to pull double shifts at a hospital?" cried Marianne.
"M, first of all, I am quite sure that even triple shifts in the busiest ER during the holiday season would be less stressful than shopping for John and Fanny. Second, I need a break. I just finished midterms. And third, you'll notice Ellie didn't get out of her chair either." This observation coupled with sticking out her tongue at Elinor earned Margaret a cushion to the head.
"Pillow fight!" squealed Grace.
"Not now honey. Finish your juice. Mar, I know it's hard for you, but could you at least try to set a good example for my two-year-old daughter? Ellie, what's gotten into you? Mar deserves a pillow to the head as much as anyone, but I thought I would be the one to crack first."
Elinor sighed, "Sorry, I'm not having a good week. I'm swamped at worked already, but Mr. Hayes walked into my office yesterday and assigned me another case. Thursday, we got another letter from Lucy, even though I didn't send the reply until last Friday. It was pretty much designed to depress me, and it worked. Today, shopping for John's anniversary party reminded me how little I want to see them all an extra time this month, and to top it off, Edward's been paged by the Children's Aid every night since Monday. Margaret's an easy target."
"You sound sad Aunt Ellie! You need a big hug," said Grace running across the floor (with her Tinky Winky doll) to give her one.
"Thanks Gracie," said Elinor.
"Can't you give the case to another associate who's less busy? Surely they don't expect you to work night and day," pointed out Marianne.
"Mr. Hayes specially picked me for this case. It seems his niece Julia is having some problems with her boss. I can't refuse to take it. Hopefully, the Barnes suit will be settled out of court before this one gets too involved."
Margaret remarked, "At least Lucy hasn't figured out e-mail. The letters could be much more often." Elinor rolled her eyes and grinned as Margaret continued. "So did she tell you what she'd be wearing to the party?"
"Yes, yes, she did. It's light..."
"Wait Ellie, before you tell her, I want to know why she's been hounding you to 'discover the secret of Lucy's dress'. No doubt it's one of her usual fashion runway nightmares. What's going on?" interrupted Marianne.
Margaret crossed her arms and said, "Well duh, if I don't know what she's wearing, how can I get a dress just like in order to embarrass her in front of John and Fanny's socialite friends? She's probably been bragging for weeks to anyone who will listen about how expensive and exclusive it is. So imagine her face when her friends, who know I'm just a poor, debt-ridden med student, see my grand entrance and notice I have the same one."
"Mar, you are a poor, debt-ridden med student. Lucy's dresses may be hideous but they're always ridiculously expensive," pointed out Marianne.
Elinor added, "And even if you could afford it, where would you find it on such short notice? The party is next week. Maybe you should scrap this prank."
"Honestly M, Ellie, you act as though I haven't got this perfectly planned out. I'm hurt. Oh there, I'm over it! Remember my fashion plate roommate Sarah Allen from undergrad and all of our fights over closet space? Well, we got along much better after she got an extra chest of drawers. Anyway the point is, last year, I helped her sneak her boyfriend out of the dorm during a surprise inspection..."
"Margaret Dashwood, are you crazy? You could both have been suspended, you were dons in a girls-only dorm!" cried Marianne.
Margaret had a mischievous gleam in her eyes. "Yes, yes I know, but we didn't get caught did we? I never get caught. Anyway back to the story, Sarah was so relieved that the head don didn't find out and call her parents that she said she would do anything to repay me. You know my goal in life is to 'convince' Fanny and John to stop inviting me. So I've been trying to come up with a stunt to pull at this party for months. Plus, I need to bring some excitement to the Ferrars Fun-bunch. They're all so boring, present company and spouse excluded. So I told Sarah about Lucy and asked her advice. This plan was her idea so you can stop looking at me like that. Her mom and dad own the Marcella Boutiques, so she can get any dress she wants really fast. All I need from you Ellie, is a little sketch and a description."
"I can't believe I'm considering going along with this. You're nuts, you know that Mar? And I don't think that they'll stop inviting you unless you start waving a gun. All their friends know you're family, so Fanny has to invite you to save face. Here's Lucy's letter. I haven't seen it so I can't draw a sketch but Lucy took up four paragraphs describing it. You'll have to manage with that," said Elinor resignedly.
"Hey, if Lucy's horribly embarrassed, she can't really make too much trouble. Now we just have to worry about Fanny. I hope she likes the presents we bought. It took us forever," said Marianne.
"I'm just glad you and I only have shop for them once a year. John's okay, but Fanny is so elitist, she thinks nothing is good enough for her. At least when we all lived together at Barton, we only had to get one present. As it is, three presents took us two weekends, about a billion stores and an hour to wrap them just so!" exclaimed Margaret.
Elinor laughed. "Please, try shopping for all the major gift-giving holidays and then talk to me. And just you wait. When you get married, you and mom won't be able to get away with one present between you. Then we'll be shopping for four."
"Speaking of being married, why is it that Peter and Eddie always have their golf tournaments the weekends we go shopping for these gifts? They weasel out of this every year! Leaving aside Peter, they're Edward's relatives too! There's no justice. He should at least have to come with us."
"I don't know why I let him get away with it. He always manages to do something super-sweet before-hand. Then when I tell him we have to get a present for John and Fanny he gives me these puppy-dog eyes and says he hates shopping more anything else in the world and couldn't I please get it myself. I crumble every time."
"Typical! He's going to hear about this from me! Marianne, are there any more of these cookies?"
"Yes, they're in the kitchen in the second drawer from the bottom next to the fridge," Marianne said as Margaret left the room. "So what did he do to earn enough Brownie points to get out of shopping?"
"This time he went to the February family dinner on his own and told them I was working on a case. It wasn't a lie, I was, but the case was not that urgent. He suggested it because the dinner was at Robert and Lucy's place."
"It sounds like it was urgent to me! The last thing anyone needs is to watch Lucy play 'gracious hostess and political wife'. When's the next one at your place, Elinor?"
"The second Saturday in September. Mark your calendar. We'll be in the new house by then so there will be room for everyone. Thankfully, it's only once a year."
"How are you going to break it to Mar?"
"I don't know, she's going to hit the roof."
"I think dinners with the 'Ferrars Fun-bunch' will be worth it to have you and Edward as neighbours. Just think, we'll be able to see each other all the time!"
Margaret called from the hallway. "Hey, Ellie, M, I think you better come here, now!
Posted on Monday, 30 October 200
"It seems my niece takes after me," Margaret continued.
"Now I'm terrified!" laughed Elinor.
Margaret gestured into the family room with the plate of cookies. What they saw was a sea of torn wrapping paper and ribbon underneath which was a giggling Grace. Just then, Edward and Peter walked in the front door and heard their wives shriek in anguish.
"I'm not sure, but I'm willing to bet that this has something to do with you, Mar-Mar," laughed Edward.
"Eddie, don't you start with me! Grace got her hands on the anniversary gifts and unwrapped them. If we're laying blame, I think Peter's responsible!"
"Mar, as little as I want to get involved in your twisted web, I have to defend myself. I think it's just her Dashwood tendencies coming out. Everyone says how much she resembles you!" said Peter.
"Aha! And there we have it folks. Conclusive proof that this is all Margaret's fault! Grace takes after her aunt!" deadpanned Edward.
"I'm going to let you have this battle Eddie, because I said pretty much the same thing two minutes ago. But don't let your guard down because the wheels are already in motion for my revenge!" said Margaret, proceeding to outline her plan for the anniversary party.
"You can't be serious Margaret! It's hard enough to keep a straight face when Lucy wears those...those...things. Fanny will kill me if I laugh," he exclaimed in desperation as Elinor and Marianne brought Grace into the hall. "Elinor, has she told you what she's planning?"
"Told me? I'm helping her!" said Elinor with a sly smile.
"I'm doomed!" cried Edward throwing his hands up in defeat and giving Elinor a kiss.
"Peter, please hold on to Grace while we get the presents wrapped up again," said Marianne.
"Of course darling," he replied as he leaned over to give her a hello kiss. But Marianne stepped back and smiled.
"I don't think you really want to kiss someone with Dashwood tendencies," she teased with one eyebrow raised.
"You see Mar, this is why I try not to get involved with you and Edward!"
Posted on Monday, 6 November 2000
John and Fanny's Anniversary Party (March 1st)
"What time is it Edward? If I have to use this plastic smile again, my face is going to freeze this way!"
"It's only seven o'clock, Elinor. And don't blame me," Edward smirked as he put his arms around her waist, "I didn't want to come here and meet my sister's shallow friends. I wanted to stay home with you and that dress."
"Don't tempt me! Your mother and Fanny would never forgive me. I wonder what's keeping mom, Margaret and Nick. Robert, Lucy and Fanny still have Peter and Marianne cornered."
"I think you need a drink," Edward suggested as he grabbed two champagne glasses from a passing waiter. "I know I will when Lucy and Fanny see what Mar-Mar's up to! Just once, for just one of her stunts, I wish I could get away with laughing instead of having to keep a stiff upper lip. There's something about Dashwood women that wears down my self-control," he teased.
"I love you. I know I've done nothing but whine about your family all day, but I do love you. You're worth it all." Elinor gave him a little kiss.
"I love you more than words can say and in that spirit," he said looking over her shoulder, "I think we should go talk to Mr. Pratt because Lucy has just splintered off of the Peter and Marianne interrogation."
Luckily, this was enough to deter Lucy since she knew that her Uncle still disapproved of her conduct at the time of her wedding. The peace lasted about half an hour during which time Mrs. Dashwood greeted Elinor mentioning that Nick and Margaret were out searching for a parking space. After a few minutes, Marianne and Peter joined them. As they spoke about business at Mrs. Dashwood's flower shop, suddenly the activity in the Norland Ball room ceased. Margaret had made her grand entrance on Nick's arm and was making a slow, deliberate procession across the ballroom to where her sisters and mother were talking.
The dress certainly was unique. It was a light blue silk and chiffon creation, which instantly made many women sad that such lovely fabric had been wasted on such a dress. The dress was off the shoulder and fitted, reaching Margaret's ankles. There was chiffon gathered at the top and the bottom of the dress, which made it appear as though she was floating on a cloud. Unfortunately, the designer had not been content with this style reminiscent of a fairy princess. Instead, he had seen fit to add pink and orange dangling ribbons all over the dress. "I think this is going exactly as planned. Everyone is looking from me to Lucy!" exclaimed Margaret after greetings were exchanged.
"Well, can you blame them? What are the chances of two people showing up at the same party, both having chosen to wear that...that?" blurted Peter.
"Margaret, darling, you know I love you, and I want you to enjoy yourself, but must you cause a commotion at every party your sister-in-law throws? You might at least have warned me about this one. Everyone is whispering! I should have known something was going on when you picked me up wearing that...that!" cried Mrs. Dashwood.
"I'll admit, you're not carrying it off badly, but I can't believe you're willing to let people see you in that...that just to annoy Lucy," laughed Elinor. "Edward, breathe! You're turning blue."
"Don't forget the added bonus of annoying Fanny and Mrs. F!" added Nick. Margaret nodded.
"I hope you're happy Mar-Mar. You wore that...that, you've caused a huge scene and now none of them will speak to me for..." Edward paused and grinned. "Sorry, I seem to have forgotten exactly which part of that I'm upset about."
"Is there a contagious speech impediment in the air tonight? Dress -- D - R - E - S - S, it's not complicated! Come on, say it with me children, 'that dress'..." laughed Margaret.
Marianne frowned. "I'm not sure what it is. I know they're the same, but they almost look like different...dresses. Hers is so much puffier."
"Well there's several reasons for that," explained Margaret, "I got the correct size, she didn't. It doesn't look like she had it shortened and she's a good five inches short than me. That's why it's hanging wrong. Plus she kept all of the chiffon that was originally at the top of the dress to make it look more...well...anyway, I removed most of it."
Thus with this distraction the cocktails and dinner passed pleasantly. Unfortunately, after dinner when Elinor, Edward, Marianne and Peter were dancing, they saw Fanny and Lucy approach Margaret as she left Nick and the group she had been with. They instinctively moved closer to eavesdrop.
Posted on Monday, 13 November 2000
No one would guess from the benign smiles on Fanny and Lucy's faces, the murderous thoughts lurking in their minds. Margaret quickly adopted her most innocent face.
"Margaret, I have always tried to make allowances for you because you grew up without money, proper breeding or education. I have always treated you with kindness and compassion..." seethed Fanny.
"Oh absolutely! I can't even think where to begin thanking you for making us feel like shadows in our own home while we were grieving for our father, giving us snob lessons, insulting us at every opportunity, and basically making the wicked witch of the west look like the tooth fairy. You're a peach Fan-baby!"
"I believe that I have repeatedly asked you not to call me that. Now as I was saying, I have been more than generous and yet you always see fit to humiliate me at my parties. People have been staring, whispering and making snide remarks to us all night. How dare you! If it were not for me, no member of decent society would have anything to do with you and your family!"
"Wow Fan-baby, you sound upset. Is something wrong?" inquired Margaret mildly.
"You know very well what we mean. That is my dress!" squealed Lucy.
"It is? That's funny, I'm certain I don't remember going through your closet. It seems to me that you're currently wearing a dress, which now that I look at it, is slightly similar to mine. If this is your dress, then whose dress is that?"
"Don't play games with me Margaret. It is precisely the same dress and you know it. Who put you up to this? Was it Elinor? She's always been out to get me. She's never gotten over her jealousy that Edward chose her as second best!"
"Oh honey, don't upset yourself, I'm just going to make a call," said Margaret patting Lucy's arm and pulling out her cell phone, "and very soon the nice men with the lovely white long sleeved jackets will be here to take you home. Then you can get back to exploiting your sole talent: basket weaving! You are the most delusional person I have ever met! If you think the scene I've caused so far is bad, you should thank your lucky stars that I am NOT going to discuss Elinor with you." She paused and took a deep breath. "What is your problem, anyway? This was my own idea, I was shopping and fell in love with this dress. Isn't it just marvelous?" Margaret did a model spin to show the dress to 'full advantage'.
"Margaret, stop being foolish! We know perfectly well that you cannot afford a dress like this while putting yourself through medical school," declared Fanny.
"Well apparently you and Lucy are mistaken about how 'expensive and exclusive', your words not mine, this dress is. I found it on sale at the outlet mall in Barton," exclaimed Margaret, rather more loudly than was necessary.
"Keep your voice down," hissed Lucy. "It's bad enough that the dress is so tight, must you draw more attention to yourself? You Dashwoods have horrible taste. Couldn't you even select the proper size, you had to come to this party looking like a harlot?"
"Now hold on just a second. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black! The entire universe knows that you were engaged to another man who you trapped for his money by getting pregnant probably after lying about being on the pill. You manipulated him and then when his family publicly disowned him, because of you I might add, you ran off with his brother. At the time, even I knew and I was only 13! Who do you think you are calling me a harlot, you tramp? You had better take that back or my adjectives for you are going to be R-rated and much louder. And besides, if you asked the designer or occasionally looked in a fashion magazine you'd see that this is how it's supposed to be worn. It is not tight, it is fitted. If you weren't so lazy and didn't spend all day eating chocolates, it would look like this on you too!"
"How dare you compare me to you! You who are shamelessly living with your ragtag boyfriend without even being engaged. I certainly never behaved that way and for that matter even Elinor didn't! What kind of man is he? He's not comfortable in suit, he's been pulling at his bow tie all night, and he hasn't even the decency to stay with you during the party."
"That's right, you keep that superior attitude of yours Lucy. It's all you've got. I'm not ashamed of my choices in life. I have my priorities straight. I believe in love, loyalty, and kindness, three concepts I don't think either of you could even define. I treat people with the respect they deserve. And finally, Nick may not be the plastic Ken doll you would approve of, but he isn't the only one pulling at his tie *coughRobert&coughJohn*, and as if it's any of your business, he's speaking with some acquaintances of his parents while I go to the powder room. So if you're both finished, I am in even more desperate need of the powder room because the two of you make me nauseous!" stated Margaret dryly before leaving them.
The entire roomful of guests, who had mysteriously quieted down, suddenly started whispering again. Marianne was overheard asking, "Am I the only one who just wants to jump up and cheer?"
Frankly, this critic grows rather tired of this 'see how rich I am' trend that pervades our society parties these days. John and Fanny Dashwood's anniversary party, however, annually escapes this boring fate thanks to the memorable antics of his youngest sister. The evening started out with cocktails at six. The ballroom was elegantly fitted out in a simple starlight theme, which leads me to believe that Mrs. Dashwood's sister-in-law Lucy Ferrars, wife of Robert Ferrars M.P., had no hand in the design.
Family attending included Mrs. Matthew Ferrars (Mrs. Dashwood's mother), Mr. and Mrs. Robert Ferrars, and Mr. and Mrs. Edward Ferrars. Edward Ferrars, a respected psychologist, and his lovely wife Elinor were, as you will doubtless recall, recently seen at the Hayes and Rockwell annual benefit for cancer research where she was a featured speaker. Mr. Dashwood's family included his stepmother Mrs. Henry Dashwood, sister Elinor, sister Marianne Brandon and husband Captain Peter Brandon and youngest sister Margaret Dashwood.
[Long list of other prominent guests and then a minute discussion of the fashions]
The evening was rather blasé until the grand entrance of Miss D in a, to put it mildly, stunning blue silk and chiffon evening gown by the notorious Jean Fournier*, which was identical to that sported by LF. Aside from igniting the whispers of everyone in the room, it seems that the tempers of FD and LF were set off as well. Perhaps they were incensed by the fact that Miss D was wearing the dress properly. Really, it was quite remarkable that they cared at all considering LF's sense of, shall we say, haute couture.
After the supper, which was catered by Reed's, the two ladies cornered Miss D, and an exchange, heated on their side and rather uninterested on Miss D's side, took place. Contrary to LF's claims, it appears that her memorable dresses are readily available at outlet stores (if anyone is brave enough to try and emulate her, personal style). Shockingly, Miss D. was accused of orchestrating this fashion faux pas. Furthermore, we may gather that the tension between the two young Mrs. Ferrars is far from over. At least, EF is able to behave with grace and dignity when they are thrown together. This critic fears that this situation is approaching its boiling point. At the end of the confrontation it was clear that Miss D. had her sisters-in-law completely on the defensive and scored several excellent points before parading out of the room. LF and FD seemed completely oblivious to the humiliation they had just received and tried laughably to pass themselves off as the victors of the exchange. Rarely has there been a party that was so amusing! Bravo!
*I'm hoping this isn't a real designer. If he is, I apologize. And then I'm gonna hide under my bed!
April 3rd: Moving Day
"Hey! You know what I just remembered, Ellie? Today is our fourth anniversary!" exclaimed Edward as he leaned in for a kiss.
"For crying out loud Edward, need I remind you that you are driving a truck? A rental truck at that. Romeo and Juliet may have died, but I'd prefer that our love story does not have such a tragic end."
"Excuse me Mrs. Ferrars, the court does not recall you staging even the pretense of a protest at the moment in question."
"Well Mr. Ferrars, the plaintiff is in love with the defendant. Perhaps she'll recommend leniency. But I'm not sure that you just remembered it. After all, I seem to remember that we got ourselves an anniversary present that we are headed towards right now. And I have this vague idea that you broke our no-other-present agreement and gave me a very sparkly blue and white necklace. What were those little twinkly things? Oh right: sapphires and diamonds. And then I seem to remember, someone, possibly you, playing our song on a keyboard apparently after two months of secret lessons from my sister. There seems to have been a great deal of kissing and...of course, I'm not sure. How am I doing so far?"
Edward pouted, "You seem to have forgotten the significant detail that my wife, the love of my life, whom I was serenading, giggled throughout the entire performance of Truly, Madly, Deeply.
"I couldn't help it! You looked so cute sitting there in your t-shirt and boxers, concentrating so hard and doing that adorable lip-biting thing. Please don't be upset, it was beautiful." Elinor paused for a few moments, looking ahead of her. "You know what I just remembered, Edward? It's our fourth anniversary!" she said giving him a kiss. "See, if you wait for a red light, you can kiss me without risking our lives."
"Well sure, if you want to make it so complicated. I've always observed that the subject is a meticulous, careful but somewhat indecisive person. Last weekend, evidence was obtained when she was painting and carpeting the new house with her husband. Observe that no two rooms have identical shades of paint or carpeting. Further note that she was still unsatisfied and thus did all manner of stenciling and fancy painting things with the help of her sister Marianne every evening this week with several deleterious consequences including depriving her husband of her delightful company."
"So I'm one of your patients now?" she squealed, smacking him on the arm. "If you didn't like all the colours, why did you get so many of them on your clothes? They came out of the wash looking tie-dyed and made my clothes look worse than they had before washing."
"Please accept my humble apologies. I can't imagine how I thought I would get away with forcing you to wave your paintbrush in my direction so many times! I don't think I can live without your forgiveness."
"Marianne would be appalled by your lack of creativity, but I still kind of like you."
Edward backed the truck into the driveway of their new home and they both jumped out and looked around. Edward walked to the other side of the truck, put his arm around Elinor and smiled. "Hey! You know what I just remembered? Today's our fourth anniversary!" *kiss* "Well my dear, let's mark our territory."
"I wish you wouldn't keep saying that Edward. Someone's going to think we're planning to pee in the yard like dogs! Can't you just say, 'Let's put our nameplate on the mailbox'?" He grinned and shook his head. "Of course, I forgot, I'm talking to a man who frequently sees sense in Margaret's plans!"
"Come on, let's get started babe. Peter and the guys will be here in an hour to help unload the truck, and Marianne and Grace are picking you up in half an hour to get the other boxes."
"Speaking of which, hand over the keys!"
"Where are yours?"
"I knocked them into one of the boxes by the bed this morning, with your assistance I might add. We never did figure out which. Hey! You know what I just remembered? Today's our fourth anniversary!" She kissed him and then they put up the nameplate, hung wind chimes on the porch and planted a rose bush in the garden for good luck.
Marianne drove up in time for the next 'you know what I just remembered?' kiss. "I'd wish you a Happy Anniversary, but you seem to have the celebrating under control. Help me get the stuff out of the trunk."
They had to make several trips to get the boxes of clothes and books out of the Brandon's car. "I'm glad I don't have to do much more of this, Elinor," exclaimed Marianne. "You're lucky that Edward's friends are willing to help, since Margaret and Nick have exams. When we moved, everyone was suddenly injured except you guys."
"It's just that I'm so lovable," smirked Edward. When they had gotten all of the boxes on to the porch, they realized that they hadn't gone in yet.
Edward went back to the truck to find the house key while Grace, using mommy as an interpreter explained the intricacies of the latest episode of Teletubbies and Elinor inquired about Edward's piano lessons. When Edward got back, he unlocked the door and said, "Before you whisk my lovely wife away, there's one more thing I forgot." With that he lifted Elinor off the ground and carried her over the threshold.
"Hey! You know what I just remembered, honey? Today's our fourth anniversary!" said Elinor, kissing him before joining Marianne and Grace again on the porch.
"Auntie Ellie's a big girl! Why didn't she walk?" wondered Grace as they walked to the car.
Posted on Sunday, 26 November 2000
"I don't think it's the same colour as the lampshade. It's too dark," pronounced Marianne.
"Are you sure? Maybe the glare from the window is making everything inside look darker. Let's go in and have a look," suggested Elinor.
"Sure, but first please, let's put these bags in the trunk."
"But then we won't know the colours of the things we've already bought. We'll be having the 'lampshade debate' over every detail then."
"Maybe we could take..."
"Marianne, Elinor, I haven't seen you two in ages! La!" came a voice from behind them. They turned around and saw a smiling Anne Steele and a scowling Lucy Ferrars.
Unfortunately, Elinor and Marianne were not able to hide their disappointment/terror quickly enough. Lucy's face went from 'sucked-on-a-lemon' to 'witchy' and entered the fray with this barb. "Fancy seeing the two of you here! I didn't know you shopped in Witmer street. And you've bought so much! I'm pleased that your circumstances have so improved."
Elinor sighed. "We're shopping to finish decorating the house. It seemed so empty with just our things from the apartment. Marianne and I are just finishing up the dining room, which we left to last."
"Oh! And Edward has left all of the work to you."
"How typical of men!" interjected Anne.
Lucy continued, "I can hardly interest Robert in anything regarding decorating, even though I spend such a frightful amount of money on it every year. And I never could get Edward to shop with me for anything, though we were together four years. It's little wonder you can't interest him in the little expenditure you must be making. You've always been thrifty. I do hope he won't be angry when he sees the bill this time."
"Well that's the advantage of having one's own income. One does not need permission for every little expense," sniped Marianne.
Elinor shot her a 'please-don't-antagonize-Lucy' look and said, "So Lucy, what have you been shopping for?"
"Oh, nothing in particular. Robert and I have some important functions coming up, and he absolutely insisted I take his credit card and buy some new things. And I already have so many dresses. He's so generous."
"That reminds me; Margaret recommends May's issue of Glamour if you're looking for 'flattering dress' tips," shot Marianne.
Lucy gave her a venomous look. Anne seemed completely oblivious to the hostility in the air and joined in. "It is a pity that Edward does not accompany you for decorating. Men always complain about what you buy when they have had no hand in choosing it. I know Robert certainly does, right Lucy?"
'I can't say I blame him,' thought Marianne while saying aloud, "Edward doesn't. He's liked everything Ellie and I have picked out so far. And after all, even though the poor man does hate shopping, he did help pick curtains, carpets, paint, furniture and lamps. The reason he's not here now is because Elinor took pity on him. We're picking out knick-knacks and he's home cooking dinner as a show of his gratitude and devotion. And it's not even his turn!"
Elinor could almost see the smoke coming out of Lucy's ears so she tried to change the subject. "So Anne, how is your new boyfriend? I hope he isn't the jealous type because I heard from Mrs. Jennings that Dr. Cole is still pining away for you."
Anne gave a simpering laugh. "Oh really Elinor! How can you say so? As if I would be stringing two men along," she replied in a voice that declared that was exactly what she was doing. "Oh my! That's a lovely necklace you're wearing! Are those real sapphires? Are those real diamonds? Is it new? Did Edward give it to you for your anniversary?"
Of course, this did nothing to conciliate Lucy so Elinor nodded slightly and tried again. "Lucy, have you finished your shopping for Robby Jr.'s birthday next Friday? He must be so excited."
Lucy looked confused. "Next Friday? Oh yes, Abby (recall: her children's Nanny) certainly seems to think so. I'm sending her to pick up some things for him on Wednesday."
So far Marianne had been feeling badly for causing trouble, and had resolved to remain silent for Elinor's sake, but her feelings as a mother could not be repressed here. "Isn't Wednesday cutting it a little close?"
Lucy huffed, "Well it's the first day I'm free to watch the kids. After we drop our bags off at home, we must be off to tea at Mrs. Dupont's, tomorrow I am engaged with Mrs. Ferrars, on Monday Robert and I are attending the Coleman's anniversary bash and on Tuesday, we must be seen at the Prime Minister's birthday party. You cannot imagine the demands that are put on my time as a political wife and indeed as an important figure in my own right. Now Anne, we must be going."
She brushed past Marianne and walked straight into Elinor. Elinor fell backwards on to the sidewalk. Anne stopped to help her up, but Lucy pulled her away saying, "Sorry, clumsy me. You really should be more careful dear."
Marianne was in a state of shock as she helped her sister. Once they had ascertained that Elinor was not injured, she turned a looked at Lucy's retreating figure. "Can you believe her? That conniving, shallow, transparent, unimaginable..."
"Nothing she does surprises me. Help me check the bags. I hope nothing is broken."
"How can you be so calm? She's total raving psychopath!"
"She's been trying to cause an 'accident' like this for years. There's no harm done except to my sore derrière. Causing a fuss about this is only going to make matters worse."
"You knew about this in advance? Ellie, she's crazy! One day she's really going to hurt you!"
"M settle down. Margaret is crazy, Edward and Peter's football pool is crazy. Lucy is just envious and aggressive because she is unsatisfied with her own life. She has no outlet, no one to confide in who will give her proper advice and she has watched 'Rock 'em Sock 'em Hockey' entirely too many times."
They both giggled and Marianne said, "Then I'm glad she doesn't have a stick! Watch yourself honey, we've all grown kind of attached to you."
Chapter 9: In which the reader discovers that both Margaret and Kerry have taken entirely too many multiple choice tests.
A June evening in Edward and Elinor's living room
"I'm so glad your exams went well Margaret dear. And when do you return to us for the summer term?" inquired Mrs. Jennings.
"Well, I'm spending the evening at here watching Star Wars with Edward. That will complete my week. Then tomorrow morning, I'm going to move over to Marianne and Peter's for another week. Next Saturday, Nick is going to pick me up on his way back from his parents and we'll return together. We plan to take care of all the bills and paperwork, and organize the apartment by Wednesday. Then on that Friday, we're throwing a party. After that, work and classes start again for both of us."
While Mrs. Jennings offered to help prepare hors d'oeuvres for the party and Margaret, Edward, Peter and Mrs. Dashwood tried to explain that it wasn't that kind of party, Elinor and Marianne were talking to each other.
"Only Mar could come up with something so convoluted for three weeks of vacation. So when should we have our chick-flick night?"
"Definitely not after shopping tomorrow, we'll be too tired. Thankfully, she's going over to your place. If we had it here she'd want to watch Star Wars again." Elinor rolled her eyes as she spoke.
"I thought she and Edward were planning to watch it together the second she got here."
"They were. All four movies. But his copy of The Empire Strikes Back was flattened during the move, and it took until today for the new one to arrive at the store. I don't know what I'm going to do when the next one comes out. Anyway, if you don't mind, I'd like to spend tonight at your place."
"You don't even have to ask!"
They got up to refill the teapot when the doorbell rang. Edward went to answer, but when he opened the door he appeared frozen on the spot. An unmistakably malicious voice squawked, "Why Edward, cat got your tongue?"
Edward snapped out of his shock and said, "Lucy, Anne, what a pleasant surprise. Won't you come in?"
After greetings were exchanged and everyone was seated with tea, the conversation turned to the Dashwoods' anniversary party.
"Lucy, from now on you and Margaret should communicate to avoid that horrible accident in the future. I felt so sorry for you both, forced to wear the same dress because there was no advance warning," exclaimed Mrs. Jennings.
"You may be assured that it will not happen again Mrs. J." said Margaret.
"Well, I cannot blame you Margaret, for wishing to mimic my style. After all, my fashion sense is almost legendary. If you read the review in the Times, the reviewer just could not stop praising me." crowed Lucy. Unfortunately, her triumph was marred by the pained expressions on Elinor, Edward, Peter and Mrs. Dashwood's faces and the smothered giggles of Marianne and Margaret.
"Lucy dear, I think it may safely be said that your dresses are indeed unlike anything I have ever seen," managed Mrs. Dashwood sincerely to mollify Lucy.
Of course as we've seen, Anne had a remarkable ability not only for ignoring tension, but exponentially increasing it. "The house really is lovely, Elinor. You, Marianne and Edward did an excellent job with the decorating."
"Thank you, Anne."
"So Lucy, next time you redecorate, you should ask Elinor to help you!"
"Anne really, why should she do that? Why Lucy's decorating taste is just an offshoot of her fabulous fashion-sense! I for one shall never be able to do anything remotely as clever as the green and yellow plaid throw pillows on the red Colonial sofa." Perhaps Margaret's sarcasm might not have been so evident if Edward and Peter had not been simultaneously seized by a coughing fit.
Mrs. Jennings looked at her watch and exclaimed at the time. "Mallory, we must be going if we want to reach Barton at a decent hour!" She and Mrs. Dashwood stood and took their leave.
Lamentably, after this Lucy became less restrained. "Well, it certainly is a cute little house. Five bedrooms, I believe you said at Fanny's. They must be very cozy."
"They did appear rather large and forbidding at first, but now that they are..." began Edward.
"Of course I would not be in a position to judge, having never yet been invited to the house. Anne just had the idea of popping in because she could not stand the suspense any longer."
"I wanted to go home! You practically dragged me here!" cried Anne.
Lucy ignored her. "But now that I've seen it, I can't imagine why little Harry wishes to stay here instead of with us while John and Fanny are on vacation. Not only is our house three times the size, but his darling cousins are with us. Even if you have children, they will be too young to be playmates for Harry."
"Well then it certainly is lucky that Harry can be friends with children other than his cousins," commented Marianne.
"Lucy, I do have to be up early tomorrow, shall we go?" interrupted Anne.
"Of course dear, in a minute."
"I'll just bring the car around then. It was lovely seeing you all." They all stood and gathered in the foyer while Anne left.
"So Margaret, how is your boyfriend? Why isn't he here?" inquired Lucy.
"He's fine, and he is visiting his parents," said Margaret appearing at last from the living room.
"What a shame, I was looking forward to hearing his views on 'amassing money' again! It is most amusing to hear speeches on altruism from a punk who clearly has never had any money. But dear, are you sure that it is wise to spend so much time apart considering your relationship? You know honey, some men are only after one thing and they will get it wherever they can. He certainly is an irresponsible fellow, not at least asking you to marry him before..."
Margaret cut her off, "Lucy, he's not a dog to be kept on a leash."
"Well, I suppose some women must hold on to a man any way that they can manage." They all heard Anne honk the car horn. Lucy turned to look out the window. Taking advantage of the distraction, Margaret silenced her family from admonishing Lucy by putting a finger to her lips. "Oh, there's Anne with the car. I must be going," exclaimed Lucy.
"It was a pleasure having you here Lucy," simpered Margaret, slipping an arm around her waist and propelling her out the door. "And if I need any help tricking Nick into staying with me or proposing or even eloping, you'll be the first one I'll call." She released Lucy and slammed the door shut.
She entered the living room again, where she found everyone in earnest conversation. They saw her and stopped.
"You don't deserve this abuse sweetheart!" started Elinor.
Marianne exploded. "Mar for crying out loud, you shouldn't take this lying down! Your relationship with Nick is not some kind of illicit affair! You two have been together for three years. You've been living together for nine months, and been engaged for ten. The two of you are getting married after your graduation."
Edward added, "Why don't you just let us tell that to Lucy and shut her up?"
"If you don't want to deal directly with her, we can tell Mrs. Jennings and Lucy will know inside of 12 hours," suggested Peter.
"Who says I'm letting it slide? I didn't put my arm around her because I like her, I dropped Grace's Gak* in her purse. Look, I know you only want what is best for me, and I love you guys for it. But Nicky and I have examined this from every angle and have decided that even though this situation is annoying, it is preferable to the situation that would ensue once Lucy, Fanny and John find out. We want them to have as little time as possible in which to 'investigate' Nick's family. You know how they avoid those silly society things. But above all, we want peace and quiet for everyone. Can you imagine what Fanny and Lucy will say to them or us when they find out that Nicky is not Nick Carlisle my 'ragtag-punk-irresponsible' med student 'not interested in amassing money but in using money to making the world a better place' boyfriend, but Nicholas Morton Carlisle VI;
(a) sole heir to the entire Morton and Carlisle fortunes since his only cousin Miss Ashley Morton (who they will no doubt remember as the one they wanted Eddie to marry) was killed in a boating accident with her parents, his only aunt and uncle
(b) whose parents Nicholas Carlisle V and Isabella Carlisle (née Morton) make precious few visits and invite precious few people to their events (i.e. not Fanny, Lucy and crew) making them quote from that snob Raymond Wilson's column, "the most sought after social conquest in the country".
(c) 'my 'ragtag-punk-irresponsible' med student 'not interested in amassing money but in using money to making the world a better place' fiancé
(d) all of the above?
There was an extended, tense silence as everyone imagined what the other Ferrars and Dashwoods might say or do.
"I resent being referred to as Eddie, Mar-Mar Binks."
"Augghh! May the force not be with you!"
Author's note: The Just-In-Case Explanation of Gak:*I'm not sure if everyone has seen it, but Gak is fluorescent green plastic slime from a can that oozes everywhere but can be pulled off of almost everything. Unfortunately, as a seventh grade classmate of mine demonstrated on our teacher's shoes and socks, it stains cotton and leather!
Chapter 10: Life with Lucy
Early July at Robert and Lucy's House
Lucy took a stretch and looked at herself in the mirror. 'This outfit is definitely far more suited to a Tuesday than the last three,' she thought with a yawn . Having the children home all day due to summer vacation was very tiring. Why this morning, they were awake at 7:45 a.m. and without school to take them away, they had been tearing through the house making a racket! She had turned over to see Robert already gone and so had actually had to get out of bed and yell at Abby herself. Game of tag indeed! Didn't they realize the sovereign importance of beauty rest? She'd gone back to bed and managed to get three more hours of sleep. Luckily, she'd woken up in time to catch brunch, her talk shows and the Young and the Restless. (Political note: she's too foolish to recognize the superiority of Days of our Lives! ;-) By the time that had finished, it was 1:30. Then she had showered, dressed and made herself up. 'It took me an hour and a half? My goodness, what have I forgotten to do?' Lucy pondered this point for a while and concluded that her record-breaking time could be attributed to her natural brilliance.
She left her bedroom and walked down the hall. Clearly the maid had already come and gone. She looked in Robby and Frances' rooms and saw that they were clean as well. As she descended the stairs, she wondered if she should speak to Abby about her new policy of having the children clean their own rooms. Surely they were rich enough that that was unnecessary. Then again, the brats deserved hard labour after disturbing her slumber. Passing Robert's study, she saw him at his desk preparing for some silly tax reform debates. Being a politician was certainly prestigious but they really did discuss some irrelevant things. Why should poor people pay fewer taxes? They didn't have an image to maintain. And because of them, Robert was ignoring her again! This new idea of his that the issues in a political campaign were more important than popularity, was really starting to grate on her nerves. She would have to ask Fanny to tell him he was taking this too seriously.
She walked into the living room to check the mail. Perhaps there were some new invitations. As she flipped through the envelopes, she looked out the open window. Abby and the children were talking loudly while fixing their bikes and getting quite dirty, but as long as they weren't in the house she didn't care. No mail for her at all? 'This must be some mistake. One would think that Elinor would be appreciative of my condescension in writing to her at all and have the decency to reply promptly.' Lucy was disgusted, so with one of her more normal reactions, she decided to cheer herself up by shopping. Then she went back to being Lucy. 'Of course, I must remember to tape Oprah at 4:00. Had I anything to do this evening? Cook will be back in an hour. Oh, Frances will forget that I promised to plan her birthday party anyway. Abby can do that.'
Suddenly, she saw a Volvo coming up the drive. 'That's Edward. What on Earth could he be doing here?' She watched him greet Abby and hug the children. He was carrying a bag along with his briefcase. 'I didn't invite him, and even though he and Robert have been getting along better the last couple of years, I doubt they're going anywhere together. Robert is in jeans and Edward is in a suit. He must be here to see me! He's finally going to admit that he's always been in love with me and then he'll dump Elinor! And he's brought me a gift! Oh my, where's a mirror? Good hair, check, make-up not smeared, check...Robert? Why is he asking for Robert?' She turned around and saw Abby pointing him to the study. He came in and passed right by the living room. Her curiosity got the better of her indignation and she sneaked closer to the door to listen.
"Thanks for lending me the tux, Rob."
"No problem. So how did your 'congrats on becoming a partner' celebration go?"
"She was so surprised, it was great! She didn't suspect a thing until she got home and saw me waiting for her all dressed up. We had dinner at Ellie's favourite restaurant and then went out to the marina. And the boat was really nice, thanks for the tip. We both loved it. Peter even says I got six thumbs up from the post-event sister e-mail meeting. Plus, she comes home before 7 p.m. more than once a week now that she's a partner."
"I'm happy for you Ed. I was thinking. You borrow my tux so often..."
"Can I help it if I look hot in a tuxedo?" laughed Edward.
"They do say love is blind. I'm quite sure Elinor is the only woman on Earth who thinks so. Anyway as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you wouldn't have to keep renting one or driving all the way out here to borrow my tux, if you just bought your own."
"I hadn't thought of that. I would be using it often enough. Good point Rob! Hey since you're so smart big brother, maybe I'll vote for you this election."
"I think that calls for a beaten little brother."
***Kerry is saddened to report that many of Lucy's throw pillows were damaged in the ensuing brawl. Thankfully, not the green and yellow plaid ones, they were safe and sound with Lucy, in the living room.***
"I better get going, I have a 4:15 meeting. Thanks again, I owe you one."
Robert looked sheepish and said, "Maybe you could help me Ed. I know Lucy's birthday is in summer, but I don't remember when. I can't find any old calendars. Last year when I forgot, she got really mad. I don't want her to scare the kids like that again. I thought maybe you would know."
"How can you not remember? She's your wife!"
"Look, I know you're the storybook husband, but that's not helping!"
"Shoot! I don't remember anymore, someone always just tells me. Have you asked Fanny?"
"Not yet, I just thought of this in the morning."
"Wait...Mar-Mar made a joke about the date last year, what was it...something about good and evil balancing themselves out..."
"Well I can't count the number of times I've heard Margaret call Lucy evil. It must be the same as that of someone else who Margaret likes."
"Let me check my planner, maybe something will look familiar." He pulled it out of his briefcase. "Right, here it is, Nick's birthday is on August the sixth, that's Lucy's birthday."
"You're a lifesaver!" exclaimed Robert as he walked Edward out. "Bye Ed, congratulate Elinor for me!"
"Bye Rob." Neither man saw Lucy who had ducked farther into the living room when she heard them get up to leave. This was fortunate because the look of fury and jealousy on Lucy's face would probably have turned them both to stone.