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Posted on Sunday, 7 April 2002
Elizabeth quickly made her way upstairs, it had been a long hard journey from Hunsford, but Mary had mercifully left her to her own thoughts during their travels. Elizabeth barely slept since her meeting with Mr. Darcy, she was beginning to feel the effects of it as her head throbbed punishing her unpityingly. She had cried all though that first awful night and the next resulting in only a few hours sleep. Mrs. Bennet thinking that she was unwell from saddened over Anne's death, did not probe her too long to stay and talk about her visit in Hunsford, thought she did want to enquire if any rich young gentleman attended the funeral. Jane having more intimate knowledge of with Elizabeth's moods suspected more and followed her to her bedroom not long after retiring. Jane concerns were doubled when she saw Elizabeth sitting on the windowsill with her legged tucked by her chin and her face buried in her knees. She was crying like she had never seen her cry before, Jane rushed to her side and took hold of her hands.
"Elizabeth, please tell me what courses you such pain?" Jane said, as her own tears were beginning to form from her sister's grief. "I know that you are in saddened over Anne death, but I have the feeling that something more is troubling you."
"Oh Jane you only know the half of it. I am a terrible, terrible person. I lack manners and good character, I am not fit to be called a friend to anyone, and I beg you to leave me for I will no doubt do you an injustice if you stay at my side any longer. " Elizabeth cried.
Jane was taken back at such a fierce description of her most beloved sister. "Elizabeth this does not make sense, you are very dear to all you know, you have ease of making friends. You to have good judgment and your character is the best I know. Please Lizzy tell me what has coursed you to think such dreadful things about yourself."
Elizabeth was able to stop crying briefly while telling Jane how awful she had treated Mr. Darcy and how he had not deserved it. She did not blame him for losing his temper or walking away but her only regret was that she had not be able to apologise for her behaviour, and started to cry again, Jane couldn't console her this time and patiently sat holding her hand while she calmed herself. Elizabeth through sobs managed to finish her woeful tale. "But that is not the worse thing that happened in Hunsford, there is so much more." Jane wondered at what could be worse than Mr. Darcy receiving Lizzy's sharp tongue. She looked at Elizabeth with pleading eyes for her to continue, and with a shaky hand Elizabeth brought forward a letter.
"Who wrote you?" Jane asked, worried that someone may have witnessed Elizabeth's outburst. Jane paled at the news that the letter was from Anne and that Elizabeth had received it after her death.
"Read it Jane, and then tell me that I am not the worst person of your acquaintance, I can not even grant a dying wish."
Jane took the letter with equally shaky hands and start to read.
My Dearest LizzyI write to you, as you have become my dearest friend, please do not be saddened by my sudden departure, I have long since reconciled myself to the fact that my life here on earth will be short. I am very happy to have the privilege of knowing you, you have been a bright light in my sometimes dull and gray world. I hope you remember me at our happiest and once and a while torment Miss Bingley and tease the Colonel for me, I still smile every time I think of those fun times at Netherfield, you are indeed my inspiration. But enough, you are no doubt shaking your head and smiling but all I write is true.
Elizabeth I have a dearest request of you and I ask you because I know that you will move Heaven and Earth to help me.
I need you to look after my family. My dearest sister Georgiana would benefit greatly from your goodness of spirit, she indeed looks up to you and I quite believe she looks at you as her female mentor, she desires to be like you in every way, confident, happy, talented and gracious. She never stops singing your praises when you are absent. Please do all you can to ensure she grows up into the lady we all know her capable off.
As for my dear child, who I know only by constant kicking and moving, he is inpatient to see the world and all it holds, (I say he as I have no doubt I will bare a son.) Help him grow up to be a fine young man, help him develop a good social manner and ease amongst new acquaintances, teach him the importance of good first impressions, your friendly manner and confidence will no doubt carry onto him. Be there for him when he needs advise, and be a willing ear when he needs to be heard. Tell him I love him always and will be watching his every step, please relate our funny stories and give him good memories of me. You may think how could you do this as you live so far from our home, but I have one or two ideas to get around that inconvenience. Georgiana will want you to be near her and I dear say it will not be a struggle to spend summers at Pemberley.
As to you dear friend I offer you some parting advise, follow your own good heart and be comforted that by doing so I will be smiling on you, if you don't I shall be frowning and stamping my foot. I know that you have said you would only marry for the deepest of love. Follow this, it is the best piece of advice you gave yourself, trust your judgment and feelings in these matters. I have seen first hand with your sister and Mr. Bingley of what falling in love can be like and can only wish you have as much joy and fulfillment with your life.
Now Elizabeth as hard as you may think my next request is, I trust you to follow it through. Do not let Fitzwilliam become a recluse, or more so than he currently is, do not let him use me as an excuse to do this, but most of all do not let his life continue without laughter and love and the expectation of a happy life. I have already written to him with my express wishes but feel that he needs a guiding hand to help him. He can be talked too, however scary he may look, underneath he has a heart of gold and only wishes to be kind and good in everything he does. Sometimes he does not show this well, but he gave me the best year of my life, he taught me to believe that I could be loved and return love, I know he married me out of Family Duty and our love was not the sort written about in romantic novels but he is the best of men and deserves more happiness that he would dream possible, tell him for me to open his heart and soul and never stop giving the gift that is him.
Your Dearest friend and confidante Anne Darcy
Jane sat there as she read the letter, her eyes now too were swimming in tears. She breathed slowly and returned the letter to Elizabeth, and met her sisters' wretched gaze. "I see before me a beautiful letter written by a very dear friend, she writes of your wonderful qualities and she is correct, I can not believe you to be the opposite because of one unfortunate encounter."
"One unfortunate encounter! Is that what you call it?" Elizabeth cried. "Her one wish was that I show compassion for her husband and help him though his grief, and all I did was to tell him what a terrible uncaring person he is and stated my ill founded opinions at him. No my feelings and thoughts are as before, I am not worthy of anyone's friendship. Please Jane I wish to be left alone"
Elizabeth regretted speaking to Jane like this but Jane understood and quietly left, just before she closed the door she said. "I will never think of you in that way, I love you Lizzy"
Elizabeth didn't attend her family properly for several days, but only Mr. Bennet and Jane acutely missed her company. Mrs. Bennet was far too busy to miss Elizabeth and she only came of concern when she was needed to run an errand.
Elizabeth had started several times but never completed a letter to Georgiana, it started well, and then she would delve into remorse and self-pity, and on re reading the letter she was not happy with its contents. She didn't want anyone's pity, she had brought her regrets and grief upon herself. It was one such time when she had started the letter again when Jane knocked on the door and entered.
"Lizzy, a letter has arrived for you," she quietly said as she noticed several scrunched up pieces of paper lying around the desk.
"Thank you Jane.' Elizabeth said as she took the letter from Jane. "Its from Georgia, I would recognise her writing anywhere."
Jane was please at the cheer in Elizabeth's voice, it was the first time since her return that she was not completely melancholy.
"I will leave you to read your letter in peace." Jane said as she took leave of her sister.
Elizabeth looked up at the empty door and again felt bad, in all her misery she had forgotten about Jane. This was Jane's happiest time, her wedding was only a week away and she should be there to be happy for her sister, her musings on this brought two sudden and unhappy thoughts into her head. The first was that Jane was soon to leave Longbourn, even though Netherfield was not far away she knew it would be a matter of time before they left for greener pastures, away from Herefordshire. Secondly and even more heart wrenching, it meant that Mr. Darcy would be arriving in the neighbourhoods shortly. With that she quickly broke the seal to Georgiana's letter.
It mainly contained her joy at meeting her again in Hertfordshire, which confirmed that Mr. Darcy indeed was still planning to stand up for Mr. Bingley, she wrote a lot about Andrew and how he seems to grow daily along with his appetite, and that she had learnt several new lullaby's on the piano. What disheartened Elizabeth the most was the reference to Mr. Darcy's grief, he was still quiet and shied away from company, Georgiana had mentioned that he was attentive to her but only her and worried about him severely. The letter did not do a lot for Elizabeth's spirits except for the fact that she would have to face Mr. Darcy again and very soon, so instead of writing a letter to Georgiana she started to pen an apology to her brother.
Elizabeth had worked hard through out the night, and had skipped dinner to finish off her letter of apology, she had even managed to complete a letter to Georgiana and felt better for doing so. She woke early the next morning and dropped Georgiana's letter in the post tray, and headed out for a long walk.
Her absence was of great concern for Jane, when she had knocked on Elizabeth's bedroom door and there had been no answer, and was relieved when Hill told her that Miss Elizabeth had gone for a walk.
With the arrival of Charles, Jane's worry seemed to ease a little, as she was able to confide in him her worries and concerns for her sister. Mr. Bingley did not know Elizabeth all that well, could only offer a sympathetic ear and some general advise. He was concerned at Jane's general well-being but also felt warmly on how compassionate she was with feelings of others. He stood up from the small couch where he and Jane where seated, and offered an arm to help her up as well.
"Jane, my love. Your heart does you credit and I have never known anyone that has the warmth of feeling that you do. You don't know how happy you are making me by being my wife and I can only hope that I give you half as much happiness in return. The only piece of advice I can give you is to follow your instincts, I know them to be good and true, whatever solution you have to ease Miss Elizabeth's troubles must be right." Mr. Bingley paused briefly only to gaze into Jane's eyes his feelings were so much stronger that he could ever express and he did something that come to him by complete surprise he took a step closer to Jane, putting one hand on her check and the other around her waist and gave her their first lingering kiss, afterwards he held her for what seemed an endless time enjoying their closeness and warmth, but all too soon they could hear the loud voices of her younger sisters approaching and both for the first time, where grateful.
The rest of the family walked in the room and greeted Mr. Bingley warmly. Mr. Bingley in return was able to convey some news that delighted the younger two Miss Bennet's.
"Well you will never guest who arrived late last night on my door step." Mr. Bingley said with pleasure, he did enjoy being the conveyer of good news.
"Miss Darcy" Jane said with anticipation
"No. No you will never guest but I am hoping that Miss Lydia may be able to guess." He said still smiling.
"Oh the Colonel" she squealed with delight.
"Quite true, last night he rode up all dusty from his travels and without his belongings. He told me his things would be arriving today by carriage, he has come into some good fortune but didn't go into too many details as he wanted to get a good nights rest before an important meeting this morning, not that I know what that could be. As I left this morning I could see that his carriage had arrived, and in his honour I would very much like it if your family could join us for Dinner tonight. I dear say he could help cheer up Miss Elizabeth." Bingley said finishing with a large breath turned to Jane and gave her a reassuring look.
Mrs. Bennet was very pleased with the news and wondered at his important meeting.
"Of course Mr. Bingley, the girls and I would be honoured to attend you this evening. If you excuse me I have some things I need to attend. Lydia, Kitty I need your help as well."
Mrs. Bennet ushered the younger girls out and to Jane's embarrassment she could hear her mothers loud shrieks of delight. "Oh Lydia, he has come back, it could be for you. Make sure you wear your best dress I will have Sarah attend you personally. There can be no other reason for the Colonel to come back here earlier than expected, other than to secure himself a wife..." Thankfully Mrs. Bennet's voice was muffled when the door to the Front Room was shut.
Posted on Sunday, 7 April 2002
Elizabeth was feeling better, the walk helped clear her mind as she went over again how to give Mr. Darcy the apology and letter he deserved. She had been out for a long time, but knew that no one would be too worried, she had seen Mr. Bingley riding to Longbourn and knew that Jane would be well looked after.
In the distance she saw a somewhat familiar figure and too her surprise she could see that it was the Colonel. What was strange however was that he was walking along side his horse, she couldn't quite tell but it looked also that he had company, as she got closer she realised it was her good friend Charlotte.
"Charlotte, Colonel Fitzwilliam." She called out.
"Miss Bennet, what a lovely surprise. I see you are enjoying the warm day as much as I." The Colonel said with a smile.
"Lizzy, how are you?" asked Charlotte as she came over and gave her a hug. Elizabeth could see that Charlotte's eyes were teary but that her manners were happy.
"Charlotte, I am fine, and you?" Elizabeth asked.
"Oh Lizzy, I have some excellent news and you shall be first to hear it." Charlotte said, she gave a quick look to the Colonel who smiled shyly. "Lizzy the Colonel and I are to be married."
Charlotte in her happiness had forgotten about Elizabeth's attachment to the Colonel and instantly regretted speaking so quickly about her joy. She quickly studied Elizabeth's face for the telltale signs of disappointment that she knew so well. Charlotte was very surprised at first that lack of the look she was expecting and then the quick reaction of Elizabeth
"Charlotte" Elizabeth cried. "I am so very happy for you... for you both" she hugged Charlotte again and turned to the Colonel. "My congratulations sir, you couldn't have picked a better wife, I'm sure you will be forever happy."
"Thank you Miss Bennet, I believe I agree with you, but as I have not yet sort permission from Sir Lucas we ask if you would keep our good news quiet until it is official."
"Of course, you have my word."
The small group bid their goodbyes to each other and with a parting hug from Charlotte, Elizabeth found herself in solitude again thinking about her friends' good fortune. The Colonel was indeed a good man, she wondered a little about their income as it was commonly known that the Colonel was looking for a wife with fortune and Charlotte had none, Elizabeth therefore concluded that the match was made from Love.
When Elizabeth finally arrived home it was in more of an uproar than she thought possible. From Jane she learnt that the family was to dine tonight at Netherfield because the Colonel had arrived early and Mr. Bingley insisted upon it, and that their mother was speculating why the Colonel had arrived. Even though Elizabeth had promised not to tell anyone about the Colonel and Charlotte's engagement, she knew that Jane would keep her confidence. Jane was pleased indeed and both sisters couldn't help laugh a little at their mother's expense.
"Do you not think we should warn her, you know how she can be when her nerves are rattled." Jane said.
"I can not see how without breaking my promise to Charlotte. No I fear we will just have to cope with her nerves as they come. However when she is truly surprised she often is unable to speak, one can only hope this will happen tonight." Elizabeth said as her eyes sparked with mischief.
"Lizzy" Jane scolded but then laughed despite herself, she was glad that Elizabeth was again able to tease and smile.
Jane soon left and Elizabeth sank into her favourite chair and started to read a long neglected book, eventually sleep took over. Elizabeth woke abruptly by her Mother walked into the room unannounced. "Lizzy, hurry we are to leave within the hour" and as quickly as she entered the room she left yelling more orders to Hill.
Elizabeth hurried to get ready and before she knew it she was cramped in the carriage with her family on their way to Netherfield. Lydia did not stop talking once the entire trip, laughing and carrying on about what a good joke it would be to bet Lizzy and Kitty down the aisle. When they arrived most were surprised to see the Lucas's were also attending. Everyone with the exception of Bingley's sisters looked very pleased with themselves, the group was ushered into the dinning room and the announcement was made to all off the engagement by the Colonel himself.
Jane had to fell sorry for Lydia who was so stunned, managed to spill red wine down her new dress, and as Elizabeth had predicted Mrs. Bennet sat there with her mouth open is disbelief. Kitty looked very pleased, but Elizabeth suspected it wasn't so much for Charlotte but as to the effect it had on her younger sister. Mr. Bennet seeing amusement at his families' distress took the opportunity to congratulate the happy couple of behalf of his family.
The rest of the evening was spent finding out about the events that had unfolded to create this happy day, most was very surprised at the inheritance and even more so that Mr. Darcy had not given it a second thought but to follow his late wife's wishes. The story only cemented Mr. Darcy's generous and giving manners to everyone in the room. Elizabeth and Jane patiently sat through Miss Bingley's raptures about him and how dear he was to her, and how she could not wait the two days until the Darcy's were to arrive to show him how deeply she was feeling the lose of her dear friend Anne. When the subject of baby Andrew came up so almost did Miss Bingley's dinner. To all that heard her knew she was insincere about the child's welfare when a sharp comment on how likely the child would not survive if it had its mother's constitution was made, most felt the distaste of her words. Elizabeth was please to inform the Ladies that Georgiana had written but a few days ago and happily stated that Master Andrew was doing well. Miss Bingley stayed quiet for the remainder of the evening, as it was obvious that she had no prior intimate news of the Darcy's. The gentlemen did return to the Drawing Room with obvious evidence that they had partaken in a little too much Brandy, they were all merry and happy and even Mr. Bennet joined in a silly conversation or two with his daughters. Elizabeth made good her first request from Anne and started to tease the Colonel, for he was her match with his normal wit, but she felt sure she could out do him with a little Brandy under his breath.
"So Colonel Fitzwilliam, tell us." She started. "When did you know that Charlotte had conquered your heart? A brave solder like yourself must know the exact date and time?"
The Colonel looked at Elizabeth and with a twinkle in his eye and a quick glance at Charlotte he began.
"It was a brave battle madam. I was gallant and steadfast right to the end, but I knew that the only way to survive was to surrender. The actual day of my surrender was only a few days ago, but Miss Lucas was in procession of my heart and undying love on the day of Mr. and Mrs. Collin's wedding." The Colonel was grinning from ear to ear and Charlotte was blushing a deep crimson colour but as much as she could have wished to look away she held his gaze.
"If you remember" the colonel continued. "That the last time I was in Miss Lucas's company she joined me on a walk to view a fine new horse I purchased from Mr. Bingley. My dear cousin Darcy hassled me for days to name the poor animal but it took me several more to come up with the perfect name." Everyone looked puzzled as to what this had to do about Charlotte, but it took Elizabeth to ask the name of the horse that was only known to a few.
"My horses name is Cathedral Rosette." He stated, taking much delight in everyone's puzzlement, and again everyone looked at each other as to how that was the perfect name. "What can nobody guest?" he grinned. "Are none of you good at anagrams?"
"Please Colonel put us out of our misery" said Sir Lucas.
"Very well, the letters spell Dearest Charlotte"
If it was possible Charlotte's blush became deeper, but shortly afterwards Mrs. Bennet complained of a headache and wanted to go home. The truth be told she was not enjoying the gloating of Lady Lucas.
The next few days went quickly as the wedding plans again dominated the household, Jane was bearing it well but was eagerly counting down the days. Elizabeth's mood had improved but her thoughts were still on the arrival of the Darcy's and her apology.
Georgiana had sent word a few days later that they had arrived safety at Netherfield but Mrs. Bennet would not spear either Jane or Elizabeth for the two days prior to the wedding, for there was still so much to be done. Mr. Bingley had visited briefly each day but now was on strict orders to stay away until the wedding day, which to Jane's relief was tomorrow. Elizabeth desperately wanted to speak with Mr. Darcy before the wedding but had to resolve herself that this would not be possible. She was troubled that the first time she would see him was when she was walking down the aisle and then it would be expected that he would escort her to Netherfield for the Wedding Breakfast.
The day had finally arrived for Jane, she was to leave Longbourn as Miss Bennet and be carried away to Netherfield as Mrs. Charles Bingley, and she did not have the reservations that Mary had had. She was nervous but in a excited happy manner. Elizabeth had supervised every part of her preparation and she was now at the doors of the church. With a slight nod Mr. Bennet stepped forward with his eldest daughter and walked for the first time happily down the aisle. Elizabeth had been quite forgotten by everyone as all eyes were on Jane, who looked beautiful in her pale rose dress and white blossom bouquet. Elizabeth's eyes never left the ground but she could sense that Mr. Darcy was looking at her, she didn't have the courage to acknowledge him so once she was by the alter she stared solemnly at the Priest. She heard the vows repeated and it gave her a warm feeling inside, it was at that point that she involuntary looked up to see her sister but caught Mr. Darcy's eye first, she quickly turned away and berated herself. The priest pronounced them Husband and Wife and the happy couple hand and hand walked down the aisle to the awaiting carriage. Elizabeth's attention was brought forward by Mr. Darcy standing very close. "I believe it is our turn to follow Miss Bennet," he quietly said.
"I believe you are right" she said. With difficulty she took the offered arm and started to walk, she busied herself looking at the happy crowd waiting to leave the church. As soon as they were outside she was relieved that Georgiana was soon upon them, she was bursting with happiness for Jane and Bingley and asked her brother if she could accompany them back to Netherfield. Elizabeth spoke quickly. "Yes please Miss Darcy, I would greatly enjoy your company in the Carriage." She instantly regretted her quick words as she felt Mr. Darcy tense.
The carriage ride was uneventful as Georgiana did most of the talking, but Elizabeth was forced into sitting opposite Mr. Darcy for the duration, her nervousness increased and she desperately wanted to make peace with him, before too long.
The Wedding Breakfast was very grand and there was plenty of good food and drink for everyone, Elizabeth was seated next to her sisters as was to be expected but she would have much rather sat anywhere else including next to Miss Bingley. From where she was seated she had an excellent view of Miss Bingley who seemed to be smiling and looking a lot to Mr. Darcy. Poor Mr. Darcy she thought I think he may be back on Miss Bingley's husband list.
The celebrations were over all too soon and Jane and Mr. Bingley entered their carriage and departed for Bath were they were to spend a month on Honeymoon. The other guests left soon after but the Bennet's stayed a little longer to view the vast array of gifts that people had given. Elizabeth was inspecting a beautiful crystal vase that a Aunt of Bingley had sent when Georgiana came up to her very excited.
"Lizzy, would you like to visit Andrew?"
"Yes please." Elizabeth said genuinely pleased at the opportunity.
The two walked the short distance to the makeshift nursery to find Andrew awake and begging for attention with little whimpers. Georgiana expertly scooped him up and started to rocking and talking to him.
"You are becoming quiet proficient at looking after him" Elizabeth commented. Georgiana then filled her in with stories and mishaps that had happened in the nursery since her departure from Hunsford. With a little remorse she told Elizabeth that Darcy rarely looked in on Andrew and that it was breaking her heart, she couldn't speck to her brother about it as she didn't want to upset him. But Georgiana could sense the mood was becoming melancholy and wanted to brighten it again.
"Lizzy, I would like it very much if you would consent to stay with us these next two days before we depart. I have asked my Brother for permission and he has giving it, and I so desperately would like your company. I don't think I can remain in the same room with Miss Bingley if you weren't there, as there is no guarantee that Fitzwilliam will be present, and she scares me." Georgiana took a deep breath, she couldn't believe how bold she was but with a eager look on her face she waited for Elizabeth's reply.
However Elizabeth had hardly heard past the part that Mr. Darcy had giving permission for her to stay. She was hesitant at first but then saw it as a good opportunity in correct the wrong she had done to him. "I would be glad to stay. But only if you play for me these new lullabies you have been practising" With a happy smile Georgiana consented and they left the Nursery.
Elizabeth quickly excused herself to ask her Father for permission and to organise her clothes to be brought to Netherfield. This was quickly done and Elizabeth found herself sitting at the piano with Georgiana that night learning a new piece. Mr. Darcy did not stay long after dinner and complained of fatigue and retired early. Miss Bingley did not stay much longer as well as her main reason for being in company had left early. Without the company of Mr. Bingley and Jane the others soon followed. Elizabeth was glad of the early retirement, as the day had been very tiring for her. She fell a sleep easier than the previous night and for the first time did not toss and turn.
The next morning came early and Elizabeth decided that today was going to be the day to rectify her wrong doings. She quickly dressed and putting the letter in her pocket descended the stairs, she was hoping that Mr. Darcy was true to his normal nature and would be up early to enjoy the morning air. Her guess had been correct and indeed she found Mr. Darcy taking in a quiet breakfast.
"Good Morning Mr. Darcy" she said a little nervously. "I hope you are feeling better?"
"Yes, thank you Miss Bennet." He replied.
Elizabeth was a little hesitant in what to say next and noticed his tea cup was empty. "Mr. Darcy I see you cup is empty as I'm going to fill mine perhaps you would like a refill."
Mr. Darcy was surprised at her request but nodded affirmatively. "I thank you again Miss Bennet."
"It is no trouble, I assure you." Elizabeth waited while Darcy took a sip and with a deep breath and resolve pulled out her letter and handed it to him. "Mr. Darcy you must allow me to apologies for my disgraceful behaviour to you when we last met at Rosings." She stumbled a little with what to say next. "I have written down what I would like to say as I didn't think I could give you the apology you deserve verbally."
Darcy took the letter reluctantly and began to speak. "Miss Bennet you need not apologize." he stopped abruptly when he saw Miss Bingley and Georgiana walk in the room, and quickly put the letter out of view.
"Good Morning Mr. Darcy, I'm so glad you are feeling better." Caroline cooed. "I was just telling Georgiana my prayers where for you last night, wasn't I Georgiana."
Georgiana agreed and looked very uncomfortable about admitting to it. Elizabeth took the opportunity to excuse herself and could see that only Miss Bingley was pleased with her departure. She decided on going outside to calm her nerves but it wasn't until she had been outside for a few minutes that she realised that she hadn't had breakfast and was indeed very hungry. But as nothing could be done she walked on thinking about Mr. Darcy and hoping that he would accept her apologies and they could become friends again. Her musings didn't have to wait long as she turned a corner to see Mr. Darcy with long strides coming up to her. Her face instantly turned red and unknowingly she held her breath.
"Miss Bennet, I'm glad I have found you?" said Darcy a little puffed. "I have read your letter, and wish to let you know that as much as I don't think your written apologies were needed I do however wish to relief your unnecessary guilt and accept them. But only if you allow me to thank you." Elizabeth started to interject but was forced to stop as Darcy continued. "Please allow me to do this, you have said in your letter that you should not have said the things you said and how heartily you wish to retract them, but I am glad that you told me about Georgiana. You were quite correct in pointing out my neglect and I am grieved indeed that my behaviour caused more pain than necessary. Even though I left your company very ungentlemanly like, I was grateful that I had a good distance to walk before entering Rosings. It gave me time to think about what you said and I realised that it was true and I acted accordingly.
"Mr. Darcy. Please you must stop there. I do not deserve such thanks, my manner of speaking to you was so abominable that it must strike out any goodness that you may think came from it." Elizabeth said with conviction.
Mr. Darcy stopped and looked at her for a few seconds deciding on what to say next. "Miss Elizabeth, I see we will never agree on this and could spend a very long uncomfortable time out here discussing this, so maybe we can put it behind us and forget this business." Darcy had been feeling for some time that his behaviour during the first week of Anne's death had been unpardonable and it had been bothering him in his dreams and thoughts still. He had not expected an apology from Elizabeth and the letter was written with such sorrow and heartfelt it took him by surprise, he guessed correctly from the day before that something was troubling Elizabeth as she was not her normal witty self, that he enjoyed at previous meetings.
"Mr. Darcy, I think we both have a tendency to be the last to forgive ourselves, long after the offended person has forgiven us. But as I am not up to an argument today I will agree with you and try to put it behind me, but you must keep your promise and do the same, though I am still at a loss to see your fault in all of this."
"Miss Bennet, thank you for your graciousness." He smiled and bowed. "Would you like to accompany me back to the house, I had the housekeeper keep a little breakfast aside for you as I noticed you left abruptly before starting your breakfast." Darcy smiled at Elizabeth to encourage her to accept.
The two walking in the house was not unnoticed by Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst, they had been waiting for Mr. Darcy to appear so Caroline could go to work on him convincing him that she would be a great help to Georgiana and the child if invited to Pemberley. But after they had entered the Dinning Room Miss Bingley could not think of an acceptable excuse for entering that room again as she had finished breakfast.
Elizabeth enjoyed the company of Georgiana for the rest of the afternoon, and helped her pack her trucks for her journey back to Pemberley the next day. Georgiana talked lovingly about her home at this time of year, she painted such a pretty picture that Elizabeth was forced to agree that it sounded lovely and she would indeed wish to see it, this was enough to start Georgiana making plans for Elizabeth. But Elizabeth being more cautious only agreed to corresponding with each other and maybe next summer if plans would allow. Georgiana was saddened a little but was pleased with the prospects of being written to.
After dinner that evening Georgiana was pleasantly surprised by her brothers attendance, the Colonel who had been visiting Charlotte all day had now arrived back and insisted that Darcy be sociable since Miss Bennet was staying at the house again. Caroline had taking the advantage of his presence by singing Georgiana's praises again, poor Georgiana blushed deeply and the Colonel came to her rescue by suggesting a song be played on the piano. This however did not stop Caroline trying to win Mr. Darcy over, but she changed tack a little and after Georgiana had finished broached the subject of the Colonels Wedding.
"Colonel Fitzwilliam, prey tell us, have you set a date yet?" She said smiling as sweetly as she could, she was still having trouble with the fact that this good looking Colonel would want to marry a country nobody that had limited looks and fortune.
"Yes we have, it will be a June Wedding, I have been told by Sir Lucas that the country side here never looks better than in June."
"Wonderful" Caroline cooed again. "And tell me Colonel, will it be a large wedding? Will there be lots of guests and plenty of dancing. For we all know how fond of Dancing Sir Lucas is."
"I dear say that my father-in-law to be would like Dancing, and as I am fond of it as well, I will happily agree to it." Her sarcasm was not lost on the Colonel, nor was the fact that she was trying to procure an invitation. It took him a while to realise that the reason for this was the presence of a certain cousin that was likely to attend, but as Mr. and Mrs. Bingley would be invited and if Caroline was still at Netherfield then there would be expected to invite her. He decided he would privately discuss this with Darcy, as he knew best how to deal with Miss Bingley. He managed to turn the conversation to other topics, after a while Darcy announced his retirement for the night as they were leaving early the next day. The others followed suit and said their good nights as well.
To Elizabeth's surprise the next morning everyone was up early to bid the travelers farewells. Now that Andrew was with them there were 2 carriages one that contained the servants including the Nanny and Andrew and the other contained Mr. and Miss Darcy. Georgiana was full of tears and extracted another promise from Elizabeth to write faithfully and with a puff of dust the carriages pulled out.
The Colonel had offered to deliver Elizabeth safely to Longbourn as he was on his way to Lucas Lodge anyway. Elizabeth enjoyed her conversation with him very much, and was greatly amused that the Colonel was somewhat scared of the Bingley's sisters but he was not giving up the friendly offer that Bingley himself made to stay as long as he wanted, and he wanted to be near Charlotte as much as possible. Elizabeth was safely delivered home and for the first time in many weeks was feeling good about herself.
Posted on Sunday, 21 April 2002
Elizabeth had spent the following month quietly at Longbourn and with the absence of Jane she had spent many hours in quiet contemplation. She was beginning to see for the first time that marriage was not only needed for love but for friendship and companionship and it now with the loss of her sister was absolutely desirable. She now new she wanted to be in the state that Jane wrote about and her friend Charlotte so joyfully spoke about. In one of her idle times she started to create a list of qualities she would like in a husband.
*Gentleman (only to be expected)
*Loving and respectful (absolutely no compromise)
*Must like exercise and walking (like Mr. Darcy)
*Must be able to admit to wrong doings.
*Must be completely in Love with me (e.g. Like Mr. Bingley to Jane)
*Must be witty and Charming (e.g. Like Col. F to Charlotte)
*Must not be too charming (would remind me of Wickham)
*Must be forgiving (e.g. Like Mr. D...)
After an interruption from Mrs. Bennet about lace for Lydia's new bonnet Elizabeth completed her list and adding in the bracketed items laughed at herself for being so silly.
*Sensible Family and connections (e.g. not like mine or Mr. Bingleys)
*Must live far far away (e.g. Like Mr. ....
Elizabeth stopped writing her list and began pondering over it again, most of the qualities that she wanted in a husband, were found in one particular Gentleman. "arrhgg" she groaned "That's number one on the list." She laughed at herself again as she crumpled up the list and though it into the fire.
Later that night Elizabeth retired and started to think about the list again, indeed her thoughts through out the evening had often returned to that list. It troubled her somewhat that her ideal husband was modeled after a real man of her acquaintance. She thought to herself and realising that she did not want to be an old maid that taught Jane's children to embroider very ill, that she had set her goals so very high that in all likeliness no other man would ever fulfill them all. Elizabeth went to bed that night not owning her thoughts, she denied to herself that she was thinking about Mr. Darcy when she wrote her list, and fort hard to banish him form her thoughts.
However in a cruel way Elizabeth was denied the banishment for long as a letter arrived from Georgiana the next day.
Dear LizzyI am well, and so is baby Andrew who grows daily and is now smiling very frequently at me, Nanny tells me it is wind but I do not believe her. I am still discouraged at Fitzwilliam for I know he truly loves Andrew but still declines all requests to visit the nursery to see on his progress. I know that he is busy and that his Estate business must take priority but I fear there is more to his actions than he is willing to tell me. He did appear at Netherfield to be improving but I also fear that Pemberley lets him withdraw into himself without question. I have written to Cousin Richard and request that he visits us here, as you probably know he has left Hertfordshire for a few weeks to resign from the Regiment and to look after some renovations at his new London home. I thought it not to far from London to Pemberley, and know how he loves to ride his new horse so I do not feel so guilty at requesting his presence, I only hope that he will help Fitzwilliam out of his present state of mind.
I also write to advise you about an upcoming event which I knew would be impossible to evade but my Aunt, Lady Matlock has taking it upon herself to organise a Coming Out Ball for me in a few months, at least I have persuaded her to have it at Pemberley and not London. I fear it is unkind and thoughtless of me to mention my distress at this seeming my own dear brother suffers much more than me, but I must implore you to accept my very early invitation and promise me that you will attend my ball and help me though the horrors of it all.
I will quickly finish my letter to you now as my Cousin arrived yesterday and I have a little news. Richard was unable to persuade Fitzwilliam to spend much time with Andrew but he did get him to the Nursery for a few minutes. What followed next I know little off, but I do know that they must have argued because at Dinner they were nothing but polite. (My Dearest Lizzy this is not a good sign, you know how Richard loves to tease, but he only gave me a sad smile before leaving the next day) Once he left, Fitzwilliam advised me that I could go to Richards Wedding but he was far to busy to attend. I will be happy to see you and all my new friends in Hertfordshire but I am grieved indeed to think of Fitzwilliam rattling around this sad house by himself. Any advice or words of wisdom will be much appreciated.
Love Georgi
Elizabeth sighed deeply at this letter which brought little comfort.
With the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Bingley Elizabeth was distracted enough to forget about her musings for a while, she enjoyed the freedom that Mr. Bingley or Charles at he insisted on being called, gave her to come and go to Netherfield as she pleased. Charles sister's had removed themselves to London not long after the wedding and hadn't returned yet, though Caroline had made it clear she would be back in June.
One day while out walking, Elizabeth met up with Charlotte and both decided to visit Jane at Netherfield, Elizabeth had been hoping that the Colonel might have passed on some news about the Darcy's and soon the topic was brought up by Charlotte herself.
"Richard was visiting the Darcy's at Pemberley until a few days ago, I received a letter from him yesterday." Charlotte said. "It contained no good news really, it appears that both Richard and Georgiana are gravely concerned about Mr. Darcy's state of mind, Richard had tried to make him see sense but they ended up having a huge argument. You see Mr. Darcy thinks he is to blame for all that had happened."
"I can't imagine what he blames himself for." Elizabeth said out loud and Charlotte nodded in agreement. "Everyone knows of mothers who had died in childbirth and it was just a sad part of life."
Charlotte continued with the news from the letter, and the two found themselves quickly upon Netherfield. Jane was quickly filled in on their conversation and they spent the rest of the afternoon discussing the gentleman himself. Elizabeth did more listening than normal as Jane often felt the blame when it wasn't wanting, and she was able to shed light on what Mr. Darcy could be blaming himself for. Elizabeth had felt it necessary to reply to Georgiana's letter promptly with the good advice she received from Jane and Charlotte, but once the letter was dispatched her worries only increased.
The days were constantly filled with thoughts of Georgiana and Master Andrew but most of all Mr. Darcy. With Charlotte being a regular visitor to Longbourn and her happy and joyful words about the upcoming nuptials and the qualities of the Colonel finally made Elizabeth realise that she was indeed thinking more and more of Mr. Darcy and feeling the loss of him greatly. She wasn't coping with her discoveries and also felt keenly that she was not being true to Anne's memory. Anne had only been gone a little over three months and Elizabeth had put herself in the same category as Caroline Bingley. She didn't know what shocked her more the fact that she now had feelings about a man whom she could never marry or that she was like Miss Caroline Bingley. Elizabeth was grateful that everyone about her was too busy to notice her depressed state.
Georgiana had sent a shorter letter thanking Elizabeth for the advise but had to report that not much had changed in the quiet sadness that surrounded Pemberley, even the delightful noises and smiles from Andrew had not lifted the dark cloud that the Estate had been under since their arrival. She feared that even the faithful servants felt the sadness and that they may leave for a happier situation.
As the cooler spring weather gave way to the warmer summer months the flowers were in full bloom and Elizabeth for once was looking forward to a Wedding without having to rush about for days helping to prepare. She was pleased that this time when Georgiana's missive arrived telling Elizabeth of her safe arrival at Netherfield she was allowed to go at no inconvenience to her Mother. So with an anxious heart she headed strait away to Netherfield to visit her friend. She had gathered a bundle of wild summer flowers to give Georgiana, and was almost in full view of the house when she noticed a Gentleman on horse back riding away down the shallow valley that lead to the river, her heart stopped briefly then went into a complete spin. It was Mr. Darcy, she had not prepared herself to see him again so soon, she had to be in complete control of her senses and not show a single sign of any attachment. To show him would surely lead him to despise her as he does Miss Bingley and if she couldn't be with him as a ... no she daren't even say it to herself, she was going ... if she could be ... a friend to him.
Elizabeth quickly walked to Netherfield and was happily met on the stairs by Georgiana and Jane whom had spotted her from the front room.
"Lizzy, I so very glad to be here again, it is almost becoming a second home, imagine three times in six months." Georgiana said with shear delight, her joy at being with friends was very evident. Elizabeth returned the happy reunion with a hug and a heart felt welcome and made there way back to the front room.
"Georgi, was that Mr. Darcy I saw on horseback." Elizabeth enquired as casually as she could.
"Yes it was." Beamed Georgiana. "He was convinced after all to attend the wedding he had letters from Richard and Lord & Lady Matlock not to mention that I begged him to come. I think he gave up refusing to go just to quiet us all. But my heart is quite broken as he did not think it a good idea to bring Andrew with us, he was suffering from a small summer cold, so we have left behind at Pemberley."
The ladies enjoyed the day talking over local news and how delightful Andrew was, Georgiana told them that he grows more like her brother everyday, and that Lady Matlock swears he is the spitting image of Fitzwilliam when he was a child. Elizabeth secretly delighted in the image of Fitzwilliam as a small happy baby. Jane invited her to stay for dinner but she had to refuse as she was expected back at Longbourn.
Georgiana had the opportunity several times before her cousins wedding to visit Elizabeth at Longbourn, as she decided that she much preferred to be away from Miss Bingley. This improved Elizabeth's mood but she could sense Georgiana's uneasiness when asked about her brother from other family members. From private talks with Georgiana, Elizabeth had determined that Mr. Darcy was not improving at all and the attempts of good humour from Mr. Bingley and Colonel Fitzwilliam had not lifted his somber mood. It was on one such time when Elizabeth and Georgiana were walking around the gardens of Longbourn that Georgiana took Elizabeth by the hand. Georgiana's eyes betrayed the fear that was inside her.
"Lizzy, can I ask you a question?" she shyly asked.
"Off course you can Georgi, I consider ourselves very good friends."
Georgiana beamed at this comment she was very well pleased as she had never had a close female friend that was not family or a paid companion but then went back to her original fearful look. "I overheard Lydia the other day mention some Officers from the Regiment that are encamped here." She said. Elizabeth became uncomfortable but cautiously edged her to continue. "I overheard one name in particular" she paused again. "By the name of Lt Wickham."
"My sister has a tendency to run away at the month." Elizabeth replied sharply.
"Please do not be angry at your sister she did not know I could hear her, she was outside by an open window when she made her comments." Georgiana said.
"Georgiana." Elizabeth said not knowing how to start this conversation. "This Mr. Wickham you overheard Lydia talk about is the same Mr. Wickham that grew up at Pemberley. Does that answer your question?"
Georgiana's face paled a little and she hesitated before answering. "Yes it does." Was her very quiet reply. Elizabeth took pity on the young girl.
"Georgi, I know of the misfortunes Mr. Wickham put on you. Do not blame yourself, for I myself was fooled by his charms and good manors, he is not honourable nor a gentleman and I beg you for my sake as well as yours to forget about him, he is not worthy of your time or feelings."
Georgiana looked at Elizabeth in disbelief, "he fooled you as well, but how?" she asked, then realising that she was prying, "Please you do not have to answer if you do not wish too."
"No I will answer you, as I said before we are the very best of friends and as such I wish to keep no secrets from you." Elizabeth said, as she smiled at Georgiana she could see that she relaxed a little, so taking a large breath Elizabeth continued. "He told me some falsehoods about your brother, which at first I believed, but Anne set me strait. I was very embarrassed at first that I had been duped, but both your Brother and Anne put me at ease and now I am returning the favour by putting you at ease about that gentleman ... and I use the term very lightly," Elizabeth said with a little aggravation. Georgiana did not look completely convinced. "Mr. Wickham will not be attending the Wedding so there is no reason to think that you will have to bear his company." Elizabeth confirmed.
Georgiana finally released a sigh and smiled. "Thank you Lizzy, you have eased my thoughts a great deal."
Elizabeth was sitting once again at a Wedding Breakfast and was once again thankful that the only part she had to play in the Wedding was to be a happy guest. She didn't hear much of the Service as her thoughts were on her own happiness or lack of it. She had stolen a few glances at Mr. Darcy and each time berated herself for doing so, but luckily no one had seen her. From these few stolen moments and now at the Breakfast in which she had a much better vantage point to studied him, she could see that the last few months had been unkind to him, as he looked tired and a little lifeless and was only answering questions with short direct answers and not joining in any conversation, which was not surprising as Miss Bingley was sitting directly in front of him. Elizabeth's heart lurched as she could feel his pain and so desperately wanted to relieve his suffering. She began to feel tears forming, she quickly stood up and excused herself so she could compose her thoughts and feelings.
This is foolish she berated herself again, I am getting upset for a gentleman whom there is no future with, she was walking to an open balcony when a thought struck her so violently that she stopped walking, could it be that I am in Love with Mr. Darcy. "No," she said out load. "I can not permit myself so."
"What are you saying Child?" Mrs. Bennet asked, she had seen Elizabeth leave the table and wanted her to be introduced to some relatives of the Colonels before they left Lucas Lodge. "Come I want to introduce you to a nice young man." Elizabeth sighed and followed her mother while quickly wiping a single tear from her eye.
Elizabeth was introduced to the Gentleman but could not bring herself to listen whole heartily, she caught herself again looking for Mr. Darcy, but he seemed to have done a vanishing act successfully unlike herself. After agreeing to something the Gentlemen had said but not knowing what it was, she was relieved that Charlotte herself came over to her.
"Mrs. Fitzwilliam, how very nice you look today." Elizabeth said with a smile.
"Thank you Lizzy." Charlotte grinned back. "I do like the way that sounds, and you look lovely too, I have noticed a few Gentleman looking at you." She whispered back so the gentleman could not hear.
"Charlotte hush, do not say such things, I do not think anyone has taking any interest in me today and that is the way I like it."
Charlotte was about to reply when her husband came from behind and put his arms around her waist causing her to blush, "Well Mrs. Fitzwilliam I have come to claim you and to whisk you away." He nuzzled in her ear. " But do not despair on leaving your friend for I have convinced Darcy here to relieve you of your duties with Miss Bennet." Neither Elizabeth nor Charlotte had noticed Mr. Darcy's arrival as he was standing out of view.
Meanwhile Darcy had managed to leave the main dinning hall and escape to the Library. He had had enough of Miss Bingley to last a lifetime, from the moment he had arrived at Netherfield she had not let him alone, he had gone of frequent horse rides and walks just to rid himself of her. She had somehow manage to sit close enough to him at the Wedding breakfast to hold a conversation which he just answered minimally, but when Mrs. Hurst came to ask for assistance from her he had managed to make a hasty exit. As he exited out of the room he noticed Miss Bennet leaving abruptly and wondered if someone had upset her, he noticed no one around and if he didn't need to escape so badly he would have enquired that she was well. He had noticed several times Elizabeth looking in his direction, once she even had a small but beautiful smile on her face, he wondered at what she was thinking then laughed at himself as he spotted the same romantic look on Georgiana's face and figured that it must be a Wedding smile. He was pleased that the Colonel had finally settled down and with a lady that was intelligent, pleasant and fiscal, he started to think about the companionship that he had had with Anne and was pleased that Mrs. Fitzwilliam would be able to give his cousin the guidance and companionship that he so desperately needed. He was drifting back to thoughts of Miss Bennet but was interrupted by Richard.
"Darce, there you are, do not think you can hide from me." The colonel said cheerfully.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Darcy lied.
"Well I'm just here to say good bye for Charlotte and I need to be off shortly before we run out of day light to get to our first stop."
"Well goodbye then." Darcy replied.
"Is that all you are going to say." Grinned the Colonel. "No advise, no words of wisdom."
"I'm sure Lord Matlock has filled your head with lots of good information." Said Darcy with a slight smirk on his face.
"hmmmm indeed, but I not sure if it is good information." Replied Richard, "Anyway I have left my beautiful wife with Miss Bennet and one of my odious cousins so take pity of Miss Bennet and talk to her when I take Charlotte away."
"I am sure Miss Bennet can manage without my assistance." Said a wary Darcy.
"Don't be so cruel, you know how boring Cousin Edward is when he starts talking about Farming and Drainage." With that the Colonel took Darcy by the shoulder and led him out back to where Charlotte and Elizabeth were standing. Darcy purposely stood out of view and watched warmly as the Colonel address his wife, he only became uncomfortably aware when all the eyes looked his way.
Miss Bennet's eyes were the only eyes that held his attention and when she said goodbye to Charlotte he was left standing needing to make conversation. "Miss Bennet, it seems that the happy couple and the rest of the guests are going outside to bid their final farewell. May I escort you?"
With a little hesitation she accepted.
"I must thank you for accepting, for I could see that Miss Bingley was coming our way." Darcy said, Elizabeth noticed a small smile on his lips and smiled back she understood what he meant and the gleam in her eyes did not go unnoticed by Darcy.
They managed to arrive just as the Colonel and Charlotte left in their open carriage, they stood at the back of the group and waved happily at the disappearing couple. Mrs. Bennet still irked by Lady Lucas's constant gloating wanted to depart Lucas Lodge immediately and called for the carriage, she told Kitty to gather the family up so they could be off as soon as possible. Elizabeth cringed at the thought of riding in the carriage with her younger sisters and asked her father for permission to walk the short distance back to Longbourn. Coincidentally Mr. Darcy was have a similar dilemma with the Carriage arrangements back to Netherfield, he did not fancy a ride with Miss Bingley and decided on walking back to the Estate.
Mr. Darcy watched the Bennet Carriage disappear down the lane before gathering up his hat and gloves, he was on his way out when he spotted Miss Bennet saying her goodbyes to Sir Lucas, with curiosity he walked over to them.
"Miss Bennet." He stated. "Have you been forgotten by your family?" he asked with a grim face, thinking ill of parents that could forget about a beautiful daughter.
"No, indeed they have not," replied Elizabeth, smiling at the thought of being forgotten. "I thought it better that I walk home, it is such a pleasant day I did not want to spoil it by being cramped in a carriage. And you? I said farewell to Jane some five minutes ago, I think that you yourself may have been forgotten" knowing full well that he was also likely escaping the occupants of the carriage.
"Arr ... No," he replied "I too decided that a walk would be more advantageous than a cramped carriage ride."
"Capital Capital." Said the forgotten Sir Lucas, "Perhaps Mr. Darcy, you could escort Miss Bennet home, I would hate to think of her walking about by herself, what if she hurts herself."
Elizabeth was about to interrupt but Mr. Darcy spoke first. "Yes I quite agree with you Sir Lucas, we would not want any harm coming to Miss Bennet. Miss Bennet may I have the honour of walking you home." He asked gallantly.
"Yes, thank you." Elizabeth replied somewhat shyly. calm yourself Elizabeth, it is a harmless walk and he was asked to do so by Sir Lucas her thoughts were swirling around like wild fire, she repeated to herself again her resolution to keep Anne's Memory true and that she was not Miss Bingley and would not show him an ounce of the feelings that were very present. They were soon walking down the lane and with every step Elizabeth's heart was pounding and her temperature rising. She had quite forgotten about conversation I'm not "Miss Bingley."
"Excuse me." Said Darcy after hearing the first words come from Elizabeth. "What was that about Miss Bingley."
To Elizabeth's horror she realised that she must have spoken the last out loud. "Um, I was just wondering if Miss Bingley was in the Carriage with arr ... with Jane and Charles?" she asked quickly with the first thing that came to mind.
"Yes, she was." Came Darcy's reply slowly. "I see I have been caught out again, I do suppose that I prefer to pick my own company, and not have it picked for me."
"I see we are off like mind." Replied Elizabeth grateful to escape without too much embarrassment. She quickly searched for another subject. "Have you had news from Pemberley? Is Master Andrew better?" She noticed his eyes flash with pain briefly before he answered her.
"Yes I had news of him this morning he does much better thank you." His tone had gone a little somber but Elizabeth wanted to take advantage on this subject matter.
"Georgiana tells me that your Aunt thinks he is a spitting image of you. Do you agree?" Elizabeth said smiling at him.
"Well I can't say, for I don't remember looking at my self in the mirror at the age of 3 months." He laughed a little which made Elizabeth laugh in return. The sight of Elizabeth laughing caught him completely of guard and he had to catch his breath, she had the most beautiful smile, and her eyes shone like the sun itself giving off the feeling of warmth and good humour, no wonder Anne and her became such good friends. The look on his face was noticed by Elizabeth who thought it must be the thought of Andrew that gave him that warm glow. When Darcy finally came out of his immediate musings, to his surprise he noticed that Elizabeth was looking at him also with a caring look on her face, again he became struck by the beauty in her face and for a short moment the two stood still looking at each other.
It was Elizabeth that gained her senses first and her cheeks instantly became red with embarrassment and she looked away. "Mr. Darcy, I must thank you again for your kind gesture of walking me home, but now that I can see the roof top of Longbourn, I must not keep you any longer."
Darcy who had not quite recovered from this new dizzying feeling was only able to nod his acceptance of her proposal. Elizabeth had managed to walk a little distance when she heard Mr. Darcy call out to her. "Miss Bennet."
She turned around not looking at him directly. "Yes Mr. Darcy, is there something I can do for you?"
"I would just like to thank you for a pleasant walk."
"Thank you Mr. Darcy, I also enjoyed the walk, its such a beautiful day and all." she knew that she wasn't making complete sense, but quickly curtsied and headed back to Longbourn. Mr. Darcy stood there a few moments longer watching the figure of Miss Bennet walking quickly away, he turned in the direction of Netherfield confused about what had just happened. If he had stood there a moment longer he would have seen Elizabeth turn around and give him a final look before turning into the gate, which lead home.
Posted on Wednesday, 1 May 2002
Elizabeth woke up the next day still feeling confused and embarrassed about the day before. Her whole body was aching at the thought of what happened, and was very unhappy with herself, for letting her guard down and almost revealed her true feelings, she was thoroughly ashamed and did not know how she could face him again.
Back at Netherfield Mr. Darcy was having similar troubling thoughts, it had kept him up half the night and he was still none the wiser as what to think. He knew that he had admired Miss Bennett but he had told himself it was for her intelligence and witty conversation, it was for her friendship and kindness she had shown to his wife and sister, her understanding and concern for his child. He knew that she was attractive but had stopped himself thinking anything more, he knew several women in his acquaintance that he called accomplished but none had ever had this effect on him.
Darcy had tried reading a historical book to take his mind of Elizabeth but found that he could not read anymore than a few lines before his mind drifted again. Finally throwing the book in frustration to the other side of the room, he got up and paced the room for several minutes. After calming himself down he retrieved the book and expecting it for damage, on finding none put it carefully back on the bedside cabinet. He wasn't sure what bothered him more, the fact the Elizabeth's fine eyes were shining at him every time he closed his eyes or the fact that he felt guilty for thinking of another women so soon after the death of Anne.
Darcy had done a lot of soul searching at Pemberley the months prior to his return to Netherfield and he had come up with a life plan that he was intending to stick to, and being with another women was not part of that plan. He had anticipated that Georgiana would be at Pemberley to at least Andrew's fifth birthday, then he could send Andrew to the best school in London to start his education. As much as it grieved him that he couldn't be a part of his son's life he could not see Andrew's innocent happy face without feeling the guilt that was his for causing the death of his mother. Every time he heard Andrews cooing and gurgles he was reminded that Anne would never hear them, or seeing his delightful smiles that Anne would never seem them, she had fought so hard and so courageously only to be denied the beautiful gift of her baby boy.
He planned on never marrying again, and for the next few season would only be in Town when Georgiana was attending balls and then only if the Colonel was not available. He would let it be known to all that he was not going to marry again. This last decision relieved him as he still felt incredibly guilty, if he had stuck to his principles he would not have married Anne, he had taking the easy way out by marring family and it was now causing him the pain he rightly deserved. If he had not married Anne then she would be alive today, Georgiana wouldn't be worrying over him and all would have been as it was before. He finally fell asleep around four in the morning but tossed and turned the remainder of the night.
When Darcy finally arrived down stairs for Breakfast he realised how late he was for Charles and Jane had finished and was talking about going to Longbourn for a visit. He was startled by the request that he come too, but politely declined as he could not risk seeing Miss Bennett again, this was not part of the plan. Later that morning before the Bingley's departed Darcy when in search of Charles.
"There you are Bingley, I was not expecting to find you in the Library." Darcy said. He watched amusingly while Bingley was retrieving a book from the very top self. "I remember the last time you were in here hunting for a book, it was for your lovely wife, what is your excuse now?"
"I'm afraid again that I have to admit for finding a book for someone else and not I, but I promised Elizabeth to bring the second novel of a series she is reading." Bingley said with a goofy grin. "So what bring you, Darce?"
Darcy smile turned into a serious expression. "If you don't mind Bingley, I wish to return to Pemberley today, I would very much like to see my son again and fear I have been too long away. I asked Georgiana this morning to start packing. I know it is a few days early but I am eager to return." He felt a little guilty for lying about his motives, but it couldn't be helped.
"Oh that is a shame but not wholly unexpected." Bingley said. "But of course I would not want you separated from your son. Use any of my men to help you prepare. Will you still be here when Jane and I return from Longbourn?"
"No I wish to start our journey as soon as Georgiana is ready." Darcy said
"Hmmm" said Bingley. "I would almost think you are escaping while Caroline and Louisa are in Meryton. However am I going to entertain Caroline once you're gone" he grinned.
"Send her to London, that normally does the trick." Darcy said dryly, he had grown to dislike Caroline more and more and she was nothing like Eli..... Dam it he thought to himself, I am leaving Hertfordshire to stop these thoughts from entering my mind.
"Darce" Bingley repeated
"Sorry Bingley, what did you say."
"Nothing of great importance, just that Jane will miss you and Georgiana terribly"
"Sorry, Georgiana also regrets leaving early but I must go. Please pass on her farewells to the Miss Bennett's."
"Very well, consider it done." Bingley said with a accepting smile.
Jane and Bingley left soon after, they saw the Darcy's carriage being brought around the front. Jane had said her farewells to Georgiana and Mr. Darcy and was sorry to see them go. She did not what to be around when Charles informed his sisters of their departure, but with the prospect of a nice leisurely lunch with her sisters, they set of for Longbourn.
It was after lunch had been cleared away and Mr. Bennett had whisked Mr. Bingley into the library when Jane passed on the news that their guests had left Netherfield. She noticed at once Elizabeth's distress at the news and wanted to speck to her about it, so she suggested that they go for a walk.
Mrs. Bennett had no objections so soon the two were in the garden in there favourite private spot.
"Lizzy, please tell me what's wrong, you don't look well." Jane said with concern.
"Nothing is the matter Jane, nothing at all." Elizabeth tried to say reassuringly, while tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
"Lizzy, don't lie to me, I know you better than anyone and something is not right. Please Lizzy."
"Jane." Elizabeth paused, she wasn't ready to pour out her heart but she knew Jane would not be happy until she knew the truth. "Jane, I think I am falling in love with a man I could not ever hope to marry."
To say Jane was shocked was an understatement, her eyes grew wide as she took the news in. "Lizzy, what do you mean could never hope to marry, is he already married?" Jane said hastily.
"No Jane." Elizabeth could not help but laugh. "He is not married, well not really."
"How can someone be Not really married, is he engaged?"
"No he is not engaged and he is not married, he is a recent widower and I am pretty sure he never intends to marry again. So I must put him out of my heart and head and start looking somewhere else. I wonder if Mr. Collins has any suitable friends."
Jane missed the joke about Mr. Collins friends as she finally realised who Elizabeth was speaking off. "You are in love with Mr. Darcy." It was more of a statement than a question. "This explains something of your behaviour when I told you that he and his sister have left Netherfield." Jane was in deep thought as to Elizabeth. Elizabeth was glad that she was able to speak to Jane it relieved her mind and she trusted Jane that it would go no further.
"Lizzy, are you sure Mr. Darcy will not want to marry again. I know it is so soon after Anne's death, but if you truly love him he in return he could love you. Couldn't you wait for a few years until it is acceptable. I have heard of widow's and widower's marrying for love only after a year or so."
"No Jane, it is impossible, he is too high society for our family, he would be expected to marry an acquaintance from the very best of families. Not me, a country girl with country ways." She said solemnly. "No I have resigned myself that I will not be as lucky in love as you and besides he is not in love with me and you know I could never marry a man not in love with me, and what would mother say having to wait several years before I marry, her nerves Jane would never survive". Elizabeth was trying to make light of their conversation but Jane knew too well her tactics.
"If you can wait, so too can Mama."
With their two younger sisters running into the garden for a swing with Denny and Saunderson right behind them, Jane and Elizabeth decided to go inside to keep their mother happy.
It had been a month since Charlotte's wedding and the old saying that time healed was not true in Elizabeth's case, if it was possible she thought of him more and missed him beyond words. With her closest friends removed from close proximity the most exciting thing to happen in Elizabeth's day would be letters she received from them. Charlotte was doing well and their new home sounded very grand, she had invited Elizabeth to visit next season if she wished. Mrs. Bennett was very excited with this request and wrote back to Charlotte on Elizabeth's behalf accepting the offer. Elizabeth wasn't sure if she wanted to attend balls and functions, especially if it meant having to be around Mr. Darcy, but the possibility of him being there was remote and she might enjoy the distraction.
Time seemed to be standing still for Elizabeth. Her days were filled with activity and craft but she couldn't satisfy herself, nothing comforted her and she felt lost and incomplete most of the time. Jane was gravely concerned for her well-being but kept Elizabeth's secret from everyone including her husband. Jane was visiting one day when Hill came in with a letter from Georgiana for Elizabeth, she watched as she read, Jane could see from Elizabeth's expression that there was good news then bad news then a look came over Elizabeth's face that she couldn't read. When Elizabeth was finished reading Jane asked if Georgiana was in good health, hoping to dig a little deeper.
Elizabeth smiled at Jane and relayed some of the news. "Georgiana is well, and has been in London for a week now, she writes that she is staying the Colonel and Charlotte, who are also well. I think those two are forming a plan at my expense." She laughed a little, which relieved Jane.
"What of this plan?" she asked Elizabeth hoping to coax more information out of her.
"Georgiana's Ball is set for the 29th September at Pemberley she said that a formal invitation will be sent closer to the time, but she thought that Mr. and Mrs. Bingley could escort me to Pemberley as they were also invited." She stopped and grinned at Jane. "Then she says that we could stay for as long as we want as the Colonel and Charlotte would also be attending then Charlotte could take me back to London for the beginning of the season. See they have planned my life for the next few months and neither thought to ask me." She tried to pout and give a look of disapproval but it was lost on Jane who was smiling back at her with a pleased look on her face.
"That sounds like a good plan to me." Jane said. "It means that Father could let you go at no expense to him and," in a hushed voice "No Mama to advise you on what to wear and how to behave at the balls."
Elizabeth's eye's widened at Jane's last words. "Jane, I do believe you are getting impertinent now that you are a old married women."
The two sisters laughed at each other and for a moment, Elizabeth was happy again.
Georgiana was having a good time in London, she had become quite close to Charlotte, she was staying with them in their new home, as Fitzwilliam had stayed at Pemberley and she didn't want to stay at their London home by herself. Charlotte and herself had shopped for new dresses and accessories and visited a few acquaintances. Richard had encouraged Georgiana to make Charlotte spend money as he had little success but Charlotte was ever mindful of her new responsibilities as mistress. They were comfortable and with the inheritance from Anne and the money his parents had given him on his wedding day so he could comfortably afford a good fashionable lifestyle for his lovely new wife.
After Charlotte and Georgiana had discussed getting Elizabeth to Pemberley and town for the season they both wanted to broach a subject neither knew how to bring up themselves, until one day when Richard was home for afternoon tea, he brought it up.
"So how are we going to get Darcy out of this mood he is in?" he asked.
"It has only been a few months dear, the poor man must be allowed to grieve?" Charlotte said kindly.
"It has been five months, and he can grieve without becoming a hermit."
"Are you very worried about him Richard?" Georgiana timidly asked.
"Yes I am. When your mother died it was your father dragged him to London, when your Father died Georgi, it was my Father that got him back into society, needless to say Lord Matlock does not want to do that again and has giving me the task. Any ideas?"
"Well the ball should help." Said Charlotte "It will be filled with people that he knows and loves. Will that not help and it is only a few weeks away."
"It is also filled with people he wishes to hide from." Said Georgiana ruefully looking again at a letter on the desk that Caroline had sent her, it was obvious that she had heard about her Coming Out Ball and wanted Georgiana know that she would be in her brothers company at that time. Charlotte and Richard looked in the direction of the letter and guessed at what Georgiana was thinking.
"I will talk to Jane about Caroline and we will see if we can curb her behaviour in front of your brother. Anyway I can always get my mischievous husband to dance a few dances with her, if you think that will help." Charlotte said with a mixture of a seriousness and fun.
"What, don't go offering my services, she scares the life breath out of me." Richard said back with wide eyes hoping to give effect.
"You will do as you are told. Here I thought I married a brave shoulder." She laughed.
"Laugh all you like, but if I have to dance with her then I will tread on her toes more than once and tell her that Darcy values your opinion above all other, and that to get on Mr. Darcy's good side would mean to get on yours." He retorted back.
"You wouldn't dare" Charlotte said, trying to keep a strait face.
"Just try me, my dear wife."
Their bantering stopped at Georgiana's request as her stomach was hurting at all the laughing, to imagine Miss Bingley buttering up Charlotte was to much, and she new Richard to be a superb dancer but purposely stepping on her toes was enough to make her lose her consonance.
Posted on Wednesday, 1 May 2002
Elizabeth was getting very nervous about her journey to Pemberley, she was glad that she could travel with Jane and Charles but was annoyed at having to endure Miss Bingley's rude manners and behaviour for the whole journey. Her heart still belonged completely to Mr. Darcy but for the complete opposite reasons of that of Miss Bingley. Miss Bingley was only interested in the social status and money that Mr. Darcy could offer and Elizabeth would not have cared for any of it, in fact if he was not as rich and had such a high status then maybe they could have had a future. Elizabeth laughed to herself, she would have never thought herself not good enough for anyone but Mr. Darcy was different, everything about him was superior. She started to drift back to the memories of when she first met him when she thought that his superior attitude was not warranted but now she could see she was wrong.
"And what do you find so funny Miss Bennett" Caroline's curt voice penetrated Elizabeth's thoughts.
"Oh nothing, just a fond personal memory." Elizabeth replied equally curt, not wanting to encourage Miss Bingley's conversation. Alas it did not work and Caroline started up again.
"So tell Miss Eliza what is your ball dress like? It was not the one in the Meryton Shop Window was it?" she smiled her false smile.
Elizabeth was not up to a sparing match with Miss Bingley but she could not let this snide remark go answered.
"No Miss Bingley, I purchased the fabric from the Millinery. Mrs. Homersly made it for me and I trimmed it, I dear say it is fashionable as I had Charlotte advise me of the latest fashions for she and Georgiana brought their dresses from the best shops in London I believe."
"Mrs. Fitzwilliam and Georgiana went shopping together?" was Caroline's remark "I was not aware they were so intimately aquatinted."
Elizabeth took delight in the loss of the smug look upon Caroline's face. "Surely they must be, as they are now Family. Colonel Fitzwilliam has joint guardianship of Miss Darcy, and from my letters from both they enjoy each other's company very much. I am happy for Georgiana as she has found a good friend that lives in London to go shopping with."
"Well.." Caroline started to say but was interrupted by Mr. Bingley.
"Ladies may I suggest a conversation that I could join in, I am feeling quite left out with this talk of fashion and shopping." Jane gave him a thankful glance and brought up the subject of Mrs. Hurst's health.
The carriage ride was indeed very long but Elizabeth held her tongue for the rest of the journey.
Darcy was pacing back and forth, today was the day that his good friend Charles was arriving. He would enjoy his and Jane's company, Miss Bingley he could do without ever seeing again, but what brought the most anxiety was Miss Bennett. Ever since Richards wedding and the walk home, she had been in his thoughts, her eyes still shined at him and her laughter still haunted his mind. The dreams where coming back too, the same dream that he had dreamt several months before Anne's death, where he was crawling around lost in darkness, nobody was there to help then all of a sudden a light and a amazing pair of eyes would look at him, he had never allowed the dream to continue and somehow always managed to wake up at that point.
Georgiana was also happily awaiting the arrival of Miss Bennett but was also a little nervous at the prospects of having to deal with Miss Bingley. She had not noticed Darcy's uneasy mood, but Lady Matlock had not missed any of it. Her and her husband had been at Pemberley for almost a month she was concerned at Darcy lack of progress and had even told him that it was now all right to continue living and that Anne would not be happy with his constant moping. It had not gone down well at all and was now keeping her distance. But her main project was Georgiana, she was now a young lady of eighteen and needed to be brought into society, she was hoping that it would bring her out of her shell a little and that she would be more like her mother, a wonderfully confident, talented young women.
Darcy giving up waiting for the arrival of the Bingley carriage decided on going for a walk along the lake, he came across an area which Anne loved and sat down under a tree.
While he was out the carriage did arrive much to the relief of everybody in the carriage. Jane and Bingley wanted some to alone, Caroline wanted nothing better than to be in Mr. Darcy's company and to complain of Elizabeth's lack of manners and Elizabeth who had been cooped up in a carriage wanted nothing more than to stretch her legs and enjoy the gardens that she had seen these last few miles.
Georgiana and Lady Mattock greeted the party and showed them their chambers, Caroline had mentioned several times that she had already been to Pemberley and knew the way remarkable well for such a grand house, nobody was in the mood to reply. Georgiana showed Elizabeth to her room and mentioned that tea would be served shortly and that the maid would show her the way. Elizabeth was still in awe of the house it was much bigger than she imagined and elegantly decorated but the grounds were breath taking. Ever since Charles told her that they were in the park she couldn't have imagined a more beautiful setting, the great lake in front of the house was so beautifully situated that nature itself could not have done a better job.
She quickly changed and spent only a moment tiding her hair, Georgiana had told them on the way to their rooms that Mr. Darcy was out touring the park and would likely be out until Dinnertime. The maid showed Elizabeth the way to the drawing room where she found Georgiana quite alone.
"Georgi, how well you look."
"Thank you Lizzy, I hope your travels were not too tiring?" Georgiana knew from the slight moment of Elizabeth's lips that her hints at Miss Bingley were acknowledged.
"Georgi would it be too selfish of me to go for a walk by the pond before I have tea. I have been in the Carriage some five hours and are in dire need for some exercise, I am sure that I would only be quarter of an hour or so."
Georgiana did not want Elizabeth to go, but could not think of a reason to keep her indoors and being such a short time smiled at Elizabeth and nodded her consent.
"Elizabeth of course you would want to go and take in a little exercise but do not be too long, for I know the weather is warm outside but those clouds could bring rain."
"I will be back in time I assure you." And with a quick hug she left Georgiana waiting for the other guests.
Elizabeth quickly exited the house just in case she met up with Miss Bingley in the hall, after finding her way down to the lake she spotted a garden walk that followed a small stream that fed it. She started to walk down the path and admired the beauty all over again, she would be very happy to live here and to be able to explore the grounds whenever she wanted, this last thought brought a heavy sigh.
A raindrop landed on her check, and to her surprise found herself in the middle of a summer shower, she ran for the nearest large tree to take cover. When she was satisfied that she could stay underneath the tree without getting too wet she watched the clouds in the sky moving around. She leaned against the tree and relaxed but a sound caught her attention and she moved to the other side of the tree. There at an adjacent tree she saw Mr. Darcy, he was sitting down with his long legs bent up and his elbow resting on them, his hands were covering his face almost completely. Elizabeth watched for a moment not sure what to do then she heard the sobbing noise again and saw that his whole body was shaking with grief. This time she did not stop her urge of wanting to comfort him and started to walk towards him with all the compassion and love she held for him in her heart.
As she neared she could see that he had heard her arrival as he straitened himself up and quickly wiped away a tear. In the short time it took Elizabeth to walk to the next tree she had become quite wet, but this escaped her notice.
"Mr. Darcy." She said quietly not sure what to say next. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but you look unwell. Is there something that I could do to help... to relieve your current condition?"
Darcy looked up at Elizabeth, he had heard someone approach and only imagined it to be an under gardener or servant, he had not expected to see the object of his distress. Elizabeth's natural instinct was to comfort him with an embrace and found herself knelt down by his side but managed to compose herself enough to go no further. She then noticed the look of despair in Darcy's eyes, they were red and swollen from crying and she could easily see the pain and distress behind them. The tree where he sat offered little protection from the summer rain, and his hair was wet through and started to stick to his face, unmediated Elizabeth wiped away a stray curl. She had not thought it odd that Darcy had not responded to her question, the moment did not need one. Darcy felt the warmth of Elizabeth's touch and closed his eyes as she briefly while she fixed his wayward curl. When he slowly opened his eyes he saw Elizabeth waiting patiently. How does she make me feel the way I do he thought to himself.
Gathering up all his courage and command of his voice he finally said. "Miss Bennett, I am sorry to cause you distress at seeing me in such a state, in fact you must think me neglectful for not greeting you when you first arrived." He would have continued except for Elizabeth's interruption.
"Mr. Darcy, please do not apologies for your feelings, they are natural and just, it will help you to heal if you let it. It may cause me distress to see you unhappy but that is not yours to worry about." Elizabeth had said that with all her true feelings behind it, but as the rain was now getting heavier and Elizabeth had not put on her coat she shivered involuntary. Mr. Darcy who saw this and berated himself for his thoughtlessness reached out for Elizabeth's hand to confirm that she was indeed getting cold. He took her hands in his and rubbed them a little.
"I used to do this with Georgiana, when she was little." He said, remembering that time when there was nothing more to worry about than the cool weather.
Elizabeth could only breathlessly replied. "She is very lucky to have you as a brother." The sensations happening to her was not making her sensible to the impropriety of their situation. As she was kneeling next to Mr. Darcy she only noticed for the first time that she could look directly at him, her heart quickened as she saw once again that he was very handsome even in this moment of vulnerability. She didn't realise it but she was once again looking into his eyes. Her thoughts and feelings betrayed her as Darcy was also looking at her and saw what he could only hope was the feeling of love and hope from her, before either knew what happened they moved closer together and paused ever so briefly before closing the distance and kissed. Their kiss lasted only a few moments, Darcy forgetting his resolutions, Elizabeth forgetting about guarding her feelings, all at once this felt so natural. His warm breath that she had felt just before his passionate but gentle kiss, the feeling of his hands cupping the back of her head gave her a pleasure never experienced before. Darcy's back tingled with the touch of her hand on him and the coolness of the whether was forgotten. Time did slow down for their pleasure and what only lasted a few seconds seemed to last a lifetime.
All too soon reality hit back and both simultaneous realised what had just happened. Elizabeth quickly jumped to her feet, her hands covered her mouth in mortification.
"I'm so sorry Mr. Darcy, please forgive me." But she could no longer stay there and ran away as quickly as she could.
Darcy was left sitting looking very confused as he watched Elizabeth retreat into the trees.