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Part 15: The Expert

Posted on Tuesday, 10 April 2001

(Colin)

I looked up from the grass and watched her until she raised her eyes from her book. I had been helping my father with some yard work at my parents' house, and now was engaged in pulling the clover and weeds out of the front lawn. My slightly eccentric father can do this for hours on end in the evenings and weekends because he finds it relaxing (and because he is very competitive about the lawn), but for me it afforded a different utility: I could observe Lindsey Fitzdarcy without her knowing.

At least, I don't think she knew. But I would often look up to catch her watching me, then quickly look back down at her book. For someone who was so intent on being oblivious to me, she was sure watching me a lot. And to be fair, she just as often caught me watching her. Hmm... come to think of it, she has very... nice... legs... hmmm...

Lindsey glanced up again and I turned my attention back to the clover, acutely aware of the fact that she would kill me if she knew I was staring at her legs (not that this was originally the main intent.) Besides, this was getting ridiculous. I stood up, ignoring the protestations of me knees (how does Dad do it???) and crossed the driveway to her lawn.

Lindsey glanced up as my shadow fell across her, then seeing it was I, disdainfully returned to her book. Lying in the grass, propped up by her elbows, it was too easy for her to ignore me. I decided to make it a bit more difficult and assumed the same position, resting my chin in my hands, facing her.

"Whatcha reading?" I asked with a winning smile, even though I could see it was a volume of Churchill's WWII histories. She didn't answer, but lowered her book and coolly met my eyes. I quirked an eyebrow, but didn't look away from those hazel-green eyes with the cold fire in them. So she was still mad at me. But I had no intention of leaving. Evidently she got the point, for although her expression remained impassive, her hands tensed and her eyes flashed just a little more.

Who knows how long this boiling-under-the-surface staring contest would have continued if Will's car hadn't pulled into the Fitzdarcy's driveway. This event wasn't enough to stop us, but the interruption of one Bing Charleston was.

"What are you guys up to?" he asked.

Lindsey rolled over and sat up. "Nothing. But where's Will?"

Bing laughed. "Will -- yeah, you'll see."

I raised my eyebrows. "Did you come from Lizzy's?"

Bing laughed again. "Yep."

"Well?" I demanded. "How'd it go?"

"I think you're going to have to ask Will that," he replied with a smirk.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, eyes widening a bit. "Heh... so it went that well, with Lizzy, did it?"

"That well indeed," a voice retorted behind me; at the same time I felt a thud on the back that was just a bit too hard to be friendly.

"Hey Will," I smirked at his appearance. "What'd she do, throw you in the pond?"

"No," he said coldly.

I looked to Bing for help, but he merely shook his head. Lindsey was appearing perplexed by the entire scene. "Well," I said to break the silence. Will just glared at me coldly. "If you had taken the ShopVac this wouldn't have happened, young fledgling," I sermonized. Unfortunately Will did not find this funny.

"What - were - you - thinking," he articulated deliberately.

Oh dear. "I take it Lizzy was... errrrm, unappreciative of your efforts?" I inquired delicately.

"I made a scene," he said in the same measured tones. "You would have taken care of the matter quietly, unmessily, and in about three and a half minutes.

Uh-oh....

"Because, you know, I am presumptuous and uptight and proud and I really don't have any sense of humor at all," he continued frostily. "Or so I am told. You, however, are charming and sweet and funny and relaxed."

I groaned and closed my eyes tightly. Oh no not this mistake again... On the other hand, I mused, I am charming and sweet and funny and relaxed, take that, Lindsey, you can be nice to me now.

I scratched my head and wondered how to begin. "Well... you know, Will, Lizzy doesn't really do that damsel-in-distress routine very well -- or well, I mean she could if she wanted to, but the point is she doesn't want to, and um... well, just what did happen, Will?"

He reddened a bit. "I was trying to dissuade Billy -- who was being a complete lunkhead, but the way -- when he mentioned that he um... spies on Lizzy... when he um... really shouldn't..." Will turned a shade resembling my father's beets and I shuddered inwardly. Ugh, poor Lizzy.

"And then?" I prompted.

"I suppose I sort of... lost my temper?" Will admitted.

I nodded. "I see."

"I mean," Will burst out, "I just couldn't stand the idea of him treating her like that, and not respecting her, and well... I just lost it. I didn't think -- it was purely instinctual."

"Don't worry, I understand completely," I said slowly, glancing at Lindsey before I realized what I was doing. She had been watching me and her brother, but now looked away. "But Lizzy might not... which means she might not act in the way you expected her to?"

"That's about it," Will mumbled. "She yelled at me, did a quick catalogue of my faults -- just scratching the surface, I'm sure she thinks -- and then she threw the bucket of water on me." Ah, that would explain the sogginess. I nodded in enlightenment and Will looked at his sopping shoes. "She was washing her can," he explained.

"Lizzy loves Spencer," I sympathized.

This caused an unexpected reaction from Will. "Spencer???" he panicked.

"Her car, her car," I soothed.

Will relaxed visibly. "Okay, okay, so maybe your approach was a bit off... all right, maybe I'm a bit at fault too --" Will glared at me and I continued quickly, "I mean, it seems like Billy was harder to dissuade than I thought he was going to be --"

"Oh yeah," Will groaned.

" -- Okay, sorry about that. Really, I just wanted to give you and Lizzy a chance to talk and so forth alone. But I suppose she wouldn't be too appreciative of having it forced on her like that..."

"So it would seem," Will retorted caustically.

I was thinking. "Maybe... oh, how do I explain this? Maybe some girls are more tolerant of being rescued than others, does that make sense? And obviously Lizzy is one who is considerably less tolerant..." I trailed off because Lindsey had suddenly turned on my with a disgusted you-really-don't-understand-anything-do-you look that completely threw me. Hmmm.

"She looked pretty mad to me," Bing observed.

"Yes thank you Bing, I think we've apprehended that fact."

"Be nice, be nice," I refereed. I steeled myself for the forthcoming onslaught that my next question would provoke. It was going to have to be refuted sooner or later, so... "And you were saying before, Will?"

"As I was saying, as I was saying," he mumbled vaguely. "I was saying something, wasn't I?"

"I think you left off saying how much more Lizzy likes Colin than she likes you," Bing prompted helpfully.

Argh couldn't we have found a more tactful approach!?!!

"Oh yes..." simmered Will, alert again. "Yes, how Colin is an ultimately more desirable person than I am, I believe were her words...

Really? Cool. Hah, and so there, Lovely Lady Ignoring Me For No Reason Lindsey, my mind muttered.

"No wait, they were sort of mine, but she agreed..." Will rambled.

"So there's your solution, huh," I said. "Just be more like me."

I detected an exasperated eye roll from Lindsey and Bing laughed outright.

Will frowned, raised one foot and then the other, and looked generally uncomfortable. "All right, Colin, I'm not accusing you of well..." Moron moron moron... "...um, instigating, I guess you could call it... um where was I -- " Will!!! "or well, of hmm, engaging her affections --"

Bing chortled and Lindsey tried to hold back her laughter, but cracked up. Out of self-preservation, I somehow managed to restrain myself and just looked very interested in what he was saying. Argh, Will, if you're going to talk like a Victorian, no wonder she thinks you're stuffy. Idiot.

"Will," I said patiently, "Nothing's going on between me and Lizzy, got it?"

"Oh, I know. I'm not blaming you, Colin -- it's just that..."

"Yes?"

Will poked at the grass with his toe and finally muttered, "She's in love with you."

I sighed. "Nope."

"She is!"

Bing looked at Will quizzically, and surprisingly, Lindsey came to my defense. "No, Will, Lizzy is my friend too, and believe me, she's not in love with him. You can trust me on this one, really."

"You're not really friends with many girls, are you?" I queried.

"Well... no," Will admitted reluctantly. "Except Carley, I guess, um, not much, actually, no not at all."

Ah yes, Carley. She might come in handy with this too, provided she wasn't in one of her men-are-scum moods.

"It shows," I said frankly.

"Erm," said Will uncomfortably.

"It's okay," I reassured. "We can fix that. Might take awhile, though, and a lot of effort..."

"But Colin, Lizzy loves you," Will reiterated piteously.

This was becoming very redundant. "Will! You are a paranoid freak! I'm going to know if a girl's in love with me, all right!?!!"

Lindsey exclaimed something like "Hopeless" and banged her way into the house.

"Whew, what's with her?" Bing asked after the reverberations of the porch door stopped.

"So moody lately," Will murmured thoughtfully.

"Don't worry about it, women are weird," I said impatiently. "Which brings us back to Lizzy --"

"Elizabeth is not weird," Will snapped defensively. "Neither is my sister," he added as an afterthought.

"Right... we're talking about a woman who names her car Spencer, tries to disengage my arm from the socket when I tease her about a pencil, and douses you with a bucket of scummy water when you try to do her a favor. If you want to think that's the epitome of sanity, go right ahead. And your sister... yeah, that's a box of crackers I don't even want to open right now." AI blew out an exasperated breath. "Okay, so what you we gonna do about you?"

Will blinked. "What about me?"

"You want Elizabeth? Never mind, of course you do."

"So...??"

"Well some things are gonna have to change."

Panicked look from Will. "What are you going to do to me?" he demanded.

"Relax, relax." I looked over to Bing. "What do you think -- maybe talking to her might help?"

"Couldn't hurt," Bing agreed.

"'Course. Now then, I don't know, Will might not even want my advice, eh?"

"Hey, you tell him, Will," Bing replied, earning himself a dirty look.

I'm not stupid; I know what Will was going around in circles over, but he was still hesitating.

"I mean, Colin is the Man!" Bing persuaded.

"The Man," Will echoed dubiously.

"The Expert!"

"Heh, really?" I asked with a grin.

Will looked from me to Bing helplessly.

"Well, I see you don't need me here, so I've got some clover that would really like my attention..." I began to stroll back to my parents' yard.

"All right, what do I do."

I turned back and grinned. "You've come to the right place, young grasshopper."

"I'm three years older than you."

"Doesn't matter. All righty now..." I looked at Will critically. "You've got to loosen up," I said, shaking my head.

"Not a bad idea," Bing agreed.

"But --"

"You know what your problem is with her, Will? You can't stand being laughed at, being teased a little, taken lightly. With Elizabeth, buddy, that's just not going to fly. So it's her or your unadulterated dignity. She will let you keep some, don't worry."

"Elizabeth," he said automatically.

"Good, good, maybe we can do something with you after all. Now... where should we start..." I looked up at the sky a minute. "Kiss her."

"What?!??" Will was horrified. I sighed. If he's going to think like a Victorian too there's really nothing I can do for him.

"Hey, works for me," I shrugged.

"WHAT!?!!"

"I don't mean with Lizzy!" I reassured quickly. "Calm down."

"Erm, Colin, you sure about this?" Bing was skeptical.

"Who asked you?" I shot back. I know what I'm talking about.

"Well yes, sometime, I intend to," Will stumbled "But I mean...???"

"You don't have to tomorrow," I said placidly.

"Right... but Colin, I mean, where I should start? You can't mean --"

"I said, you don't have to tomorrow. And i said you could talk to her, that might help... Oh hey, Bing, you know that guy Joe in Fish, who's got a thing for Lizzy -- " I rambled.

"He'll keep his dirty hands off my Lizzy!" Will exploded.

"Right, and will you have any part of this?"

"Hopefully?"

"How, being some irate wallflower in the corner?"

"No..."

"Kiss her," I reiterated.

"Sometime?"

"Ten years is sometime, Will."

"Just let me --"

"If you don't, I will," I said wickedly.

Will paled and his eyes grew wide; clearly this was exactly what he did not want to happen. "Is that blackmail?"

"Well, got a better word for it? Actually now that I think of it, extortion might be more accurate."

Will began to pace. "All right. Just give me some time."

"Thanksgiving," I said ruthlessly.

"Christmas?"

"December fifteenth," I compromised.

"December fifteenth," Will repeated nervously. "December fifteenth. Fine." He started into the house, then turned back. "You better be right," he warned.

"Don't worry. I'm always right about these things," I reassured him.

"What things?" Bing asked once Will was in the house.

"What do mean, 'what things?'"

"I mean, aren't you missing the salient point here?"

"What?"

"I mean what Will wants isn't the same as what you do. He's talking about love. What do you know about that?" Bing asked.

I started. "I -- Stop it, Bing, I'm right."

Part 16: Everyone Says I Love You

Posted on Tuesday, 8 May 2001

I had intended to wake up an hour early to proofread a resume I was preparing for some hotshot twenty-two year old stockbroker, but right before I went to bed the night before, I spilled a glass of water on my alarm clock, which did it no favors.

The time wouldn't reset; instead, the digital numbers just kept spinning around and around, occasionally into some unprecedented formations. Seventeen o'clock?!?? Huh. Unless my clock had suddenly assumed the capacity to function in military time, this should probably not be happening. The radio still worked... well, sort of... not really. And what would 'd' signify, in regards to time? Very strange.

I thought if I went to bed early enough, I'd be able to wake up at least somewhat early, but that didn't quite work as well as planned. Hence, I never woke until Jen finally roused me, thirty-five minutes after I would have normally gotten up. Well then, so much for that.

Over the weekend the weather had been warm enough to wear shorts (and feel no compunction about making Will Fitzdarcy walk home sopping wet), but today it was gray, wet, windy, and only about forty degrees. Dang scrummy crummy tempermental Northeastern Great Lakes Upstate New York weather. Humph.

"Where are my shoes?!?" I yelled.

Kristen appeared at my bedroom door, fully dressed and perky-looking, damn her. "Which ones, Lizzy?"

"Black loafers," I grumbled.

"Hmmm, I'll look for them... and um, Lizzy... you might want to do something about your hair..."

I looked in the mirror... ack. I attacked it with a brush, but the ends persisted in sticking out weirdly below my shoulders. I tried pulling the sides back with a barrette, but then the ends flared out more and peeked around from behind my head like little wings and I was preparing for take-off. I tried brushing it out, only for it to become even worse.

Taking out the barrette, I gritted my teeth, trying to convince myself to be patient, and twisted my hair up into a bun, then felt around with one hand for my green scrunchie. Not on the dresser. I stamped my foot a couple of times, then dropped to my knees and spotted it under the dresser. Okey-dokey, and now to reach that with one hand and still hold the bun with the other hand... Hah! I did it! I felt triumphant, then ridiculous.

I glanced at the clock and plugged it in again. Still same symptoms. Hmm, maybe Will could tell me what's up with it; he is a computer guy after all, and they must know about something as simple as a little alarm clock. NO!!!

"These, Lizzy?"

"Thanks." I looked at my younger sister suspiciously. "So why are you so cheery?"

Kristy just shrugged and smiled enigmatically.

Curious, I started to follow my sister into the kitchen, then turned back, recalling that if I was wearing black shoes I couldn't wear a navy belt.

"Toast, Lizzy?" Jen asked me.

I grumbled something and started spreading a great deal of strawberry jam on the toast Jen silently handed me. Jen and Kristen, recognizing I was in one of my dangerous moods, wisely chatted between themselves and let me sulk over the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal. Colin had gotten me hooked on that newspaper a few years ago -- Colin...

Humph. Colin. Ohhh I'm going to get that boy today... I hadn't yet had a chance at him after Saturday's spectacle, but lucky him, he'll be working today and so will I.

Drat. And so is Will Fitzdarcy, I remembered. Damn damn damn damn damn.

"Lizzy, why are you kicking the table?" Jen wanted to know.

"She's been cranky all morning," Kristy ventured.

"I am NOT cranky!" I yelled.

"Right!" Kristy muttered under her breath, before Jen could shush her.

You think Mondays are bad? Try Wednesdays when your electronics won't cooperate, your schedule gets thrown out of whack, your favorite shoes choose to go AWOL at inopportune moments, you have to spend eight hours being super-polite to peevish and unreasonable people and refrain from rolling your eyes at their petty complaints and ridiculous demands, then finally get out of work at eight o'clock, when most normal people have already eaten dinner and washed the dishes, and your hair's a mess, your mood's a mess, and your brain's a mess, and in the midst of this, one sister is an angel and the other could double as a motivational speaker.

"I'm perfectly fine," I sulked. "I just don't see why we have to have a pep rally over breakfast."

My sisters looked at each other. "Okay," Jen agreed placidly. I crossed my arms and glared at my orange juice. Jen cleared her throat. "I should leave for the hospital now... sure you're all right, Lizzy?"

"I'm fine," I muttered. Hmmm, Jen is going to work to help as a crisis counselor in the children's unit; shortly I will be going to work to inflict my wrath upon Colin. Possibly it said something about us. I am sometimes not a very nice person, I reflected. Oh well.

Kristen tilted her head and looked at me critically. "I don't recall you getting drunk last night, so it can't be a hangover..."

"Shut up," I muttered.

"All right," she said obligingly.

Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! My younger sister's mood was becoming unbearable. True, she is a naturally perky little person, but this is just beyond tolerable. "What's with you this morning?" I snapped.

"Just happy," she smiled.

I forgot my self-absorption and studied her critically. There was something about that mushy look in her eyes that I didn't quite like... Something churned in my mind and my stomach.

"Whatcha doing today?" I asked cautiously.

"Running!" she replied happily.

Gahhhhhhhh.... Wait, wait, don't panic, don't panic. Don't jump to conclusions, Elizabeth. Stay calm, it might be nothing... right? Right. Of course. Nothing's wrong. ...Oh God, everything's so wrong!!! No. No no no. Stop it. Elizabeth, calm. Breathe, Lizzy, breathe. All right, so Kristy would be happy to get out of the accounting office... but still!!!

"Know who's working today?" I persisted, crossing my arms on the table, polite manners be damned.

"Colin!"

Damn!!! My head hit my outstretched arms heavily. I groaned, then raised my head a bit and looked at my middle sister. "No. No no no no no."

"What, Lizzy?" Kristen asked.

I shook my head at her pleadingly, but she completely missed the point.

"He's so nice, isn't he? You know, I didn't really give him much of a chance, did I?"

"Noooooo!!!" I wailed.

Kristen sighed. "Yes, you're right Lizzy. I know. I really should have been more open minded about all that when he kissed me..." She blushed. "Well, I mean, he didn't really seem to mind, or surprised, when I said let's just leave it at that and forget about it... but maybe if I change my mind, he might change his and..."

"Noooooo..." I banged my head against the kitchen table. "No no no no no no no no no Kristy."

"What's wrong Lizzy?" she asked, finally getting a clue.

"Gah! Colin!!!!!!!!! Flirt!!! ugh, worse Kristy have some sense Colin drop-kick! philanderer no no no gaaaaaaaaah!!!!!! don't be stupid Kristy argh argh argh argh!"

"What is that in coherent sentences?"

I shook my head vigorously at my... incredibly... silly... little sister. "Come on, Kristy, don't be stupid over a guy. And over this guy -- that's just extra stupid!!!"

"But he's so sweet!" Kristen protested.

With a squeak of despair, I banged my fist against my forehead.

"...And funny, and charming, and adorable..." Kristy continued with that hooked-on-a-feeling look.

"Daaaaamnnnnnnnnn........" I kicked the table in frustration.

"Mmmm... and he's a good kisser..."

I stopped abusing the furniture. "That's true," I admitted.

"How do you know?" Kristen demanded.

I rubbed my forehead (banging it against things had not done it much good). "Oh, he kissed me once a few years ago. Anyway, that's not important. We have got some things to discuss, young lady --"

"You're jealous!" my sister cried.

I blinked, not at all having anticipated such an accusation. "Wait, what Kristy? Jealous??? Of Colin? I mean, of you? Well, I mean, of you and Colin?"

"Yes! Yes!" Kristen shouted hotly. "That's why you're saying you don't want me to do this! Of course you don't, 'cause you want him for yourself, Lizzy!"

"Kristy! Will you just listen to me! I --"

"No!" she wailed. "You're friends with Colin but really you've been secretly in love with him for years and years and years and now you don't want me to go out with him because you're jealous!"

I sighed. No... that would describe someone else... but that would also be none of Kristy's business, so no need to explain all that to her. "No, trust me, Kristy, I am not in love with the blasted boy -- just listen to me. Yes, Colin is a very nice guy... but he is also 'Colin all-the-girls-want-me Wesley.' Insufferable flirt. Womanizer. Seducer --"

"Seducer?" Kristy asked, interested.

"Ack! Kristen Benedict!!! No! Not good! Damn, don't you have any sense? Or has that capacity been completely replaced by lust? Good Lord, Kristy, the guy is never never never ever serious about a girl, you must know that, don't you? I mean, nice as he is... well, Colin is so... Colin. He's sort of ummm... polygamous? I swear, the whole concept of an 'adult relationship' is utterly lost on Colin. Don't get yourself into this, please Kristy, I'm asking you to take my advice just this one time. It's just stupid stupid stupid stupid. Please don't be silly over a guy -- but especially not this guy!"

"Really Lizzy, I know about all his girlfriends and stuff already, I'm just saying I should give him a chance. Maybe he likes me," Kristy insisted stubbornly. "And then I'll be able to change him!"

Gaaaaaah oh no no noooo not the eternal 'I-can-reform-him' argument! Silly, silly girls.

"Look Kristy, I think he will turn around some day -- but not now, and not with you. He isn't in love with you, and he isn't going to be. Got it?"

"Why not?" she demanded hotly. "I mean, I didn't even go after him like girls usually do. He kissed me. You said he's going to turn around someday, so why not me? Who do you think he'll fall in love with, if you're so sure? You?"

"Who I think he's going to fall for doesn't concern you and you wouldn't understand," I retorted. "But no, I don't think it's me and I don't want it to be, so you can stop with that."

"I still don't see why it shouldn't be me," Kristy muttered defensively.

"Kristen Abigail Benedict, just because you were the girl of the moment a few weeks ago does not mean anything at all now! Sorry, hon, just face it. With Colin Wesley you've got a shelf life of approximately two weeks, if you want to take the average. Though of course, the mean average is misleading as there is a range from four months -- once! -- to about... seven minutes, I'd say. And I think you will find the curve is heavily skewed towards the seven minute side. The median's probably more something like 2.38 days. Can you understand me??!?"

"You're just jealous!" Kristy wailed. "Stop talking in statistics, Lizzy. What are you going to do next, take the standard deviation?"

Ugh. I was getting nowhere banging my head against this brick wall. "Come on, you're going to be late for work," I snapped irritably.

Humph. Kristen is being ridiculous. And just when I thought she was so sensible. Kristen sulked and I fumed during the entire drive to Wegmans, but as I drove, the object of my anger transferred from my sister to Colin.

That utter idiot. My little chat with him is going to have to encompass a few more things than I initially planned, it would appear. And speaking of Kristen's judgment, what about his? Does the boy have no sense? I swear, sooner or later these dalliances of his are going to come back to haunt him. Not that there's any use trying to tell him that now. The denial is too thick for anything I might say to penetrate.

Kristen was scheduled to work an hour and a half before me, so I spent the spare time moping around Barnes and Noble. The book I had been eyeing for the past two months was gone. It was the only copy. And now someone thoroughly undeserving has it, I just know it -- and I don't. Probably it was sold while I was ranting to Kristy about Colin Wesley's wicked ways; ten wasted minutes earlier and it could have been all mine.

Curse Colin. Curse Kristy. Curse whoever got my book. And curse perfect, perfect Jen and soppy mushy lovestruck Bing. And while I'm at it, curse Willis Fitzdarcy and his infuriating I-know-what's-best presumption. Why why why why why me???

"That's a... very interesting color combination, Liz," Carol Ann smirked.

I pretended to ignore her, but secretly snuck a peek at what I was wearing. Gray pants and a green sweater, that matches, right? ...I think.

"The problem is," she persisted, "you're too pale to be wearing those colors! Really Lizzy, you should have gotten some more color while you had the chance, but I suppose now it's too late, especially here..."

"Whatever," I mumbled, trying to get back to my work.

Carol reached over me and seized the pencil I was just about to pick up. "Here, Liz, let me give you the number of this place... this is where I go to tan..." Carol scribbled something down on a piece of paper, which I promptly tossed into the trash, then snatched my pencil back.

"Look, Carol, I really don't care -- " I was stopped by someone's hand on my shoulder.

"Elizabeth, Carol Ann, how are you ladies?" interjected Richard Prescott, ever the peacemaker.

I grumbled something; Carol responded with a bit more animation.

"Carol, would you mind helping me with something down in the computer room?" he asked. "Thanks... I'll be right down, just a sec."

"What does she know about computers -- or anything useful?" I sniped.

Carol glared and huffed off, and Richard leveled a grave look at me.

He waited until Carol was out of earshot, then inquired thoughtfully, "Everything okay, Lizzy?"

"Yes!" I whined.

He directed another look at me. "All right... just take it easy, okay Elizabeth?" He turned to go, but I called him back.

"Um, Richard?"

"Yes?"

"Err... does green go with gray?"

Richard blinked. "Um... sure." He made the connection to what I was wearing, and added, "You look nice, Lizzy."

Humph. How very convincing. I was intercepted by an angular angry looking woman of about forty-five.

"Can I help you, ma'am?"

The woman pointed to her shopping cart. "Look at these bags!"

"Um, ma'am?"

"Look, let me show you how your store could save so much money. This is terrible bagging. Look at this!" The woman dug around in the cart, items tumbling out of the bags as they were uprooted.

I discreetly put the items back into the bags as I waited for the woman to get to her point.

"She could have put so much more in these and used fewer bags. I know those cost a lot of money! And so now where is that cost coming from -- you people will raise prices."

"Ahh... what lane were you in ma'am?"

"Fourteen. With a bagger at that one -- so don't tell me she didn't have time to do this right!"

I looked over -- no wonder, Ben's trainees were bagging for registers twelve through fifteen. "Well, ma'am... the baggers over there are new, they're just learning... I mean, they are just trying to be extra-careful -- make sure nothing gets squished or broken, or the bags aren't too heavy..."

Oops. That was the wrong thing to say. "Too heavy? What does she think I am, some little old lady?" the woman bristled.

"Oh, no no..." I soothed. "But we don't want too much stuff in them or they'll break. Bags breaking is bad, I've heard testimonials from customers com -- er, worried that there was too much in them."

The woman looked at me with displeasure, and I wished I had been a bit more guarded.

However, all she said was, "You should have stronger bags then."

"Well..."

The woman went on. "Look at this one. Just one item!"

"Well ma'am, but that's raw chicken..."

"So?"

"Well, it's a health precaution, we tell them to keep raw meat separate so there's no cross-contamination."

"If I want you people to be worried about my health I'll tell you. Otherwise I want you to be frugal with the bags so my prices don't go up --"

I tried to cough back a small laugh.

"What?" the woman regarded me suspiciously. "Where is your supervisor, young lady?"

Reluctantly I pointed her towards Julie and watched her rant for a few more minutes.

Julie beckoned to me.

"Sorry," I said meekly.

"No, don't worry about it, Lizzy. Can you take care of this paperwork for me?" she asked, nicely enough, but giving me the you-can't-offend-anyone-there once-over.

I agreed, looking upon her green and gray print dress with joy. If Julie is wearing it, then it must be okay! Then again, she is wearing entirely different shades than I am. I sighed.

"Something with a lot of caffeine," I told Alicia. "A lot."

Alicia scrutinized me. "As a professional, I'm not sure I like the idea of giving you caffeine for therapeutic purposes."

"Alicia!"

"You know, I minored in chemistry, young lady. Would you like me to explain exactly --"

"No!" I wailed. "No chemistry! Jen understands all that stuff but not me. I never did."

Alicia sighed. "No, I'm not going to let you have that one," she warned, seeing me eye the "Buzz" coffee promising "twice the caffeine, twice the flavor." "Why are you so frazzled today, Elizabeth?"

"Because customers are insane."

"Occasionally yes..."

"And because my sister is being a silly little girl --"

"No, not Kristen?"

"Yes! And Colin is just making everything so much worse for me... and Will!"

"What's Will been doing to you?" Alicia asked, puzzled.

"Gah! That man!"

"Oh Lizzy, but he's such a nice boy..."

I snorted.

Alicia looked to me for further enlightenment. I leaned over the coffee bar. "And he's trying to mess with my mind," I confided.

Alicia sighed. "Have a biscuit."

Armed with Julie's paperwork, I retreated into the computer room and the biscuit and 'relaxing' tea Alicia had foisted upon me. Ah, solitude at last.

Well, not exactly. Andrew Dennison was already there, eating his lunch with an open textbook in front of him. He'd be quiet, at least.

"Hey Lizzy," he said as I sat down. Almost immediately after that, my phone rang, the display signalling a call from outside the store. I turned it on.

"Hello Elizabeth, it's me!!!" my mother trilled.

Damn. "Mom, you can't call me at work!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, are you busy dear?"

"Well, I'm doing some paperwork in the computer room -- "

"Oh, well then that's fine."

I gave up. My mother is neither stupid nor sadistic nor anything particularly horrendous, but she can still be utterly... maddening.

"Ah... did you need something, Mom?"

"Lizzy, I'm sure you remember that I mentioned I was getting a new assistant?" My mother is a supervisor in the sportswear division of a large department store.

"Umm..."

"Well Lizzy, he is such a nice young man, really, I would so like you to meet him --"

Oh damn damn damn. And just what I need, a date with a guy who knows more about fashion that I do. "Er..."

"Perhaps you might come around after work and meet Harvey."

Harvey??? Rabbits are named Harvey, not men I date.

"I'm sure I couldn't make it in time, Mom..."

"Oh Lizzy, I've told him so much about you --"

"Mommy!!!" I wailed.

Andrew, who knows my mother slightly, looked up and flashed a sudden grin, then returned to his book after intercepting my fierce glare.

"Oh Lizzy, it isn't as if you have a boyfriend or even any serious prospects, anyway."

"Thank you, Mother," I muttered.

"You know I didn't mean it like that, Elizabeth, but since you're not seeing anyone, I don't see why not."

"Because I don't want to!"

"You are such a stubborn, ridiculous child sometimes," she admonished affectionately. "Ooh now what's this I hear from Lynda about Jen having a new boyfriend?"

Huh. So Jen hasn't told Mom she's seeing Bing Charleston. Hmm... she may have a point there. "Well, you know, a guy from work... we knew him at school, too."

"So will we be meeting him soon?" she asked coyly.

"Oh, er... yeah, sure."

"I just want to be sure he's good enough for my Jen!" my mother exclaimed with maternal pride. Huh, why no inquiries about anyone being good enough for me?

"Oh, yeah, don't worry. He's a nice guy. Friend of Colin's. Actually, he grew up two houses away from him, on the other side of Lindsey's," I added. My mother has known Colin since he was twelve and her knowledge of my male acquaintances more often than not radiates from his hub.

"Oh, a friend of Colin's... Well then, I'm sure that's all right."

I basked in the pride of having bought Jen at least another day or two of freedom from my mother's interrogation. Then her next words paralysed me for a moment... or really several moments.

"Now, speaking of Colin Wesley... really, Elizabeth dear, you can't just expect that poor boy to know how you feel. I've waited all these years for the two of you to get together because I know how fond of him you are, but he's going to need a little prompting...."

I was speechless. Encouraged by my silence, my mother rambled on.

"Men are like this. Oh, I know they pretend to be so worldly and sophisticated and insightful, but it's only a pose, and really they are quite naive, poor darlings. Even the quite intelligent ones are like this -- as a matter of fact, they often seem to be the worst of all, would you believe it? Lots of brains but not much practical sense to govern them."

Bewildered, I tried to interrupt during my mother's pause for breath, but wasn't quick enough.

"You mustn't tell them this, of course, dear," she continued. "Obviously, men are rather sensitive creatures and I'm afraid it might hurt their feelings dreadfully. They do seem to be rather insecure, don't they darling? Oh Elizabeth, you have no idea what I had to do to get your father to come 'round... but that's another story. Now where were we... hmmm. Ah, that dear silly boy Colin. You see my dear, he is just the type to be afflicted the worse, I'm sure you can understand. I mean, what with all his flirting... and hmm, everything -- yes, Lizzy, even I have heard the stories... some of them, at least -- and well, he is very intelligent, but really, not much sense sometimes, eh? And I daresay he can be very imperceptive when he chooses, is he not, dear? So as I was saying, Lizzy, you just have to walk up to him and --"

"Mommy! I'm not going to date Colin!" Oh God. Even my own mother thinks I'm in love with Colin.

"Of course you're not darling, if you continue on the way you are. Just friends," she sniffed. "Really, Lizzy --"

"Mom! I'm not in love with him! Good Lord, is this what you've been thinking for the last, what, year, five years, ten?"

Andy raised an eyebrow at me.

"Now Elizabeth..." my mother soothed.

"Mom, please. I-am-not-in-love-with-Colin-Wesley -- but that does not translate to I-want-to-meet-that-Harvey-guy."

"Lizzy..."

"Please Mommy?" I asked quickly. "Oops, okay, now I have to go, sooo.... talk to you later! Byyee!!!"

I banged my head against the table as Andy looked on sympathetically.

"Why why why why why..." I muttered against the table.

"Rough day, Lizzy?" Andy inquired.

"I'll live," I mumbled.

"Hmmm." Andy returned to his studying, while I watched him furtively.

Andrew is so nice. Usually rather quiet and low-key, every so often he will leave bewildered customers wondering "Was I just insulted?" with his thoroughly polite but razor-sharp comments. And Andrew in hyperdrive is one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen.

I know he used to be attracted to Kristen, but I'm not so sure about him now. I guess he figures if she hasn't been interested yet, she's never going to be, and then the Colin debacle a few weeks ago probably made Andy decide to give it up for good. I can see his point, and yet I can't help wishing Kristen hadn't wasted her chance with a guy like him.

He had seethed for a few days, but he sure isn't mad at Colin anymore. Hmmm. Guys are so nice and forgiving.

The past few days, though, I've seen very faint but very definitive signs that Andy might be about to fall for someone else. And someone who is a very inopportune object... if you ask me, anyway. (Not that they ever do; I think therein would lie the problem.) Why do my friends' romances have to be so messy and intertangled?

Hah. I'm demonstrating a solution for that -- don't have a romance at all. Right. Nothing more complicated than being lusted after and semi-stalked by an incredibly irritating and remarkably dense sycophant of slug-like intellect. Right. And then having a 'rescuer' foisted upon you in the form of a guy you detest... sort of. Right.

And your maddening and well-intentioned mother, your jealous and besotted sister, and just about everyone else you know, it seems, are all convinced you're hopelessly in love with the charmer you've been immune to for twelve years -- who would also be the one who foisted the quasi-detestable rescuer (all right... so he's not detestable in every way...) upon you, with all the best of misguided intentions.

Right. Not complicated at all. Right. And I need to get a boyfriend.

I leafed through Julie's paperwork. Ick. Well, that could wait. I drummed my fingers against the table for a minute, then reconsidered my clothes.

"Hey Andy?"

He looked up from his book. "Eh?"

"Ah... you wouldn't know, would you... do green and gray match?"

Andrew just shook his head. "Nope, Liz, can't comment. That lies out of my jurisdiction. Officially, all I know is The Guys' Fundamental Theorem of Matching."

"The what?"

"The Guys' Fundamental Theorem of Matching," he repeated patiently. "I'm a guy. It's all I need to know."

"Which would be...?"

"If the red tie doesn't match the pants, the navy one definitely will," he said proudly. "Of course," he added, "that doesn't mean that both ties can't match the pants, but then you don't have a problem. The rule is just a guideline to keep you safe."

"I've never heard that," I said in disbelief.

"Are you a guy?" Andy asked rhetorically. "Right, that could be why."

"This is all you people need to know?" I asked skeptically.

"And I forgot, the Theorem only really applies if you're wearing a white shirt. If your shirt's colored, well, that throws things off a bit, makes it complicated. Oh, and -- "

Andy stopped abruptly as I grasped his tie and pulled him towards me. "But this one's green, Andy," I argued, inspecting it. Baseball-themed, too. Figures.

"As I about to say... we can pick up scraps of information here and there. But officially, the Theorem is all we know. So I don't think I can, in good conscience, advise you about anything outside of that."

I shook my head incredulously. "Lunatic."

"Nope, just more honest. Regardless of what they might say, this is really all the average guy knows. I say average, because there are, of course, exceptions to everything."

"So what other male axioms are there?"

"Hmm. Well, there's the timeless "no, of course you look good in that, hon," but that's just simple self-preservation."

"Come on, Andy, you can do better than that. You think I've never heard that one?"

"Hence the word timeless..."

"So what other dirty little secrets do you guys have that I should know about?"

"That you should know about? Well, maybe I can't tell you, because you're not a guy," he said smugly. "Secret."

"Andrew!"

"All right, well I suppose some of them are more individual... one of mine is don't kiss your friend's girlfriend."

"Oh." Oh dear. Well, I thought he wasn't mad at Colin anymore...

"Don't kiss her, don't go after her at all. Not just if she's his girlfriend -- if he's interested in her, or well..." Andy ran his hand through his short hair and frowned thoughtfully. "It's a flexible rule, I suppose -- depends on the strength and depth of the friendship... and other things..."

"How long have you had this rule?" I asked nervously. I didn't want him to be mad at Colin. And the way Andy was qualifying his rule was making me worried about something else...

"Since I was about seventeen. I never had it tested too seriously, though... until now..." The last part of his statement was barely audible.

I gulped. Uh-oh... I ran it through my mind and concluded that one of two possibilities must be true, but not both. They were mutually exclusive. The first was that he was still mad at Colin over Kristen specifically and violation of this rule generally. The other possibility was... oh dear, what was Andy getting himself into??

He shrugged and reopened his book. "Sometimes I wonder -- under the right influence, that could go right out the window..."

"Er em, Andy? You're not -- you don't -- "

I got no further for my sister burst into the room.

"Lizzy, Colin just got here fifteen minutes ago and he's talked to me already. I told you!"

"Oh enough of that, Kristy," I said crossly. "So he talked to you. Big deal. You have any idea how many girls he talks to?" I looked quickly at Andrew. He was watching her dispassionately, with no sign of being upset. So that was good... but it would also mean...

"So you've been finally captivated by the irresistible Colin too, Kristen?" he teased.

She shrugged. "Who hasn't?"

"I haven't," I interjected, as Will Fitzdarcy walked into the room to hang up his coat. He accidentally caught my eye, then quickly looked away, turning brick red.

"Oh yeah, that's what she says," Kristen fumed at Andy. "But you know that the real reason she's saying that is she's really got it bad."

"Kristen!" I exclaimed, blushing furiously. "Enough with that, I am not in love with Colin. I can't believe you're being so ridiculous, just because you're saturated with lust and jealousy."

"You do! You do! Otherwise you wouldn't care what I do!" my sister protested.

Will turned around to look at me incredulously. Oh God, this is so embarrassing.

"Kristy --"

"Come on Kris," Andy tried to be reasonable. "I think your um, perceptions of reality might be a bit distorted, you being infatuated and all --"

"Infatuated?" Kristy blazed

Andy backed off. "All right, all right, bad word choice... well, you said you liked him..."

"Why are you taking her side?" she demanded.

"Because I believe her...?"

"Kristy, I'm just trying to keep you from doing something stupid that you will regret and will expose you to ridicule," I cut in.

"Oh come on Lizzy, Colin's not that bad."

I gave Andrew a withering look. "Did I ask you? And you're a guy, what would you know?"

"Hey..."

"See, Andy thinks you're being ridiculous and paranoid, Lizzy. Or of course maybe you're just jealous!"

"Well no Kristy, that's not what I said --"

"Andrew, will you just shut up?"

"Well I'm sorry Lizzy -- actually I was just about to say that well... I don't think going after Colin is the best idea, Kristy... but if that's what you really think you want..."

"I do!"

"Crash and burn," I muttered. "You know what, Kristy? Ask Lindsey, see what she says. She'll know."

"Fine!"

"Lindsey... that's a good point," said Andrew thoughtfully. "You're right, Lizzy, she would know. What I don't understand though, Kris, is that a few weeks ago you were convinced this was something you didn't want to get involved in, and now... well, what happened?"

"Well..." she flounded. "I just like him. I changed my mind. I can change my mind, can't I?"

"Ridiculous," I said in disgust.

The uncomfortable clearing of a throat suddenly interrupted our three-way argument.

"Erm, sorry to be in your way," said Will, who was trapped behind us, speaking for the first time. "But I um, actually, you're in my way and could you sort of ah, move? I'm kind of stuck..."

We moved to the sides of the narrow computer room to let him by, and he fled out the door. The color in his face had subsided, but his ears were still violently red.

"Kristen, please come to the runners' desk," said Julie over the intercom.

"Really Lizzy," she muttered on her way out the door.

I groaned and rubbed my forehead. "I'm um, sorry she's... being like this..." I began apologetically.

"No problem," said Andrew mildly.

"Well yeah, but..." I faltered.

"I'm not upset, Lizzy," he said with a faint smile. "I'm not 'in love' with her anymore, if that's what you're worried about. Not that I think I was really in love before, but well... I know what you mean."

"Errrr... yeah."

"So if it's Colin she wants, I wish her luck. Though I have to admit, I'm not so sure he's got quite the same ideas..."

"Colin!" I exclaimed in exasperation. "If you had any idea how much trouble that boy's given me the last few weeks --!"

Andy laughed. "Poor Lizzy."

"That boy..." I muttered.

"...Gets all the girls and doesn't want to keep any of 'em?"

"Moron." I shook my head. "Crash and burn."

"Ah, he'll learn."

"Probably the minute it's too late," I replied, sitting down.

"You could be right," he admitted. "You know, I'd hate to be the cause of that..." he trailed off, beginning to frown.

"So Andy," I said, wanting to extract more information. "What about you?"

"What about me?" he asked with a smile.

"Well, you're not interesting in my sister anymore, so... who?"

"Ah but Elizabeth, nowhere does it say I have to be interested in anyone now."

"No, but that doesn't mean you can't be."

"It isn't you so they're really nothing more for you to be interested in," he said with a chuckle.

I stared at him. Could he really believe that just because it wasn't me (which I had never thought anyway), I wouldn't be curious? What kind of unreality is he living in? Then I seized upon his last statement. "See, you just admitted that there is someone!"

"You're insatiable, Lizzy. It doesn't matter."

"Andy... please?"

The door opened and Richard Prescott walked in. "Elizabeth? There's something I need to discuss with -- oh, hello Andrew, didn't realize you were in here as well. I ah..."

"Well, actually I was just about to leave," said Andy tactfully, moving to stand up.

"What's up?" I asked as Andy closed the door behind him.

Richard looked unsure of how to begin. "Elizabeth... this is -- it's hard for me to say this -- you know I've always been quite fond of you and -- but some things I can't let pass by --"

"Richard?"

"Lizzy, I know you get frustrated, but that doesn't mean --"

"Oh!" I interrupted. "Oh, Richard, I'm so sorry about that woman. Maybe I should have been a little more careful about what I said, but -- did Julie tell you this?"

"What? I don't know anything about that. I was referring to that comment you made to Carol Ann earlier today... which is just one of many of the sort, I have noticed."

"Oh," I squeaked.

"I know, Lizzy, that the two of you are not the best of friends --"

I snorted and Richard gave me a stern look.

"But regardless it is important to have a cooperative, friendly, and respectful work environment."

"But --" I protested.

"I know, she is rude to you as well. But I would like to see you make the first attempt at cordiality, Elizabeth. Keep this in mind: you have worked here for years, a number of people here are close friends and you are popular with nearly everyone else. On the other hand, the last time Carol was here was while she was in college, and then only during vacations. Most people she doesn't know, and the rest, it seems, have some sort of grudge against her. I know you dislike her, but try to see things from her view. Perhaps she feels she needs to be defensive about certain things. But I think if you took that step forward, a lot of things could improve. Others would follow you. Now Will has told me that there was some sort of rift between you and Carol in high school --"

"Will! What does it have to do with him? How dare he! Why does it always seem like he's spilling some sort of distorted opinion on all I've done since I was fourteen!"

Richard was giving me an odd look, which only irritated me more. "Well, no, Elizabeth, I wouldn't quite say he did that... But will you promise me you'll try? For me?"

"All right," I grumbled. "I'll see what I can do." I happened to catch Richard's expression and an outlandish suspicion shot through my mind. "You like her!" I exclaimed.

I was amused to see him flush deeply under his dark skin. "Shh, Lizzy, please. I --"

"Richard!!!" Oh God. The last pillar had fallen. There are no sane men anymore, not here.

"Well, she... I think she has potential..."

"Potential?" I laughed. "Have you got some sort of Pygmalion complex, Richard?"

He stood up. "I hope our discussion has been productive?"

"Of course, Professor Higgins," I replied sweetly.

I waited until he shut the door, then laughed hysterically for five minutes. Richard, of all people.

I examined my stack of paperwork. Julie had probably given it to me because she wanted it done. I sighed and picked up my pencil and calculator, first locking the door. No distractions. Then the phone rang.

Oh no. Please not my mother again, please God, and I will be less moody, less self-absorbed in my bad moods, more patient, more polite, and more open-minded. I promise.

"Hello?" I asked cautiously.

"Ah, Lizzy, I'm so glad I could get through to you." Jen sounded relieved. "First of all, we need another gallon of milk, remember to get that. And tell Bing I'm very very sorry, but I can't go out with him tonight. We've got a situation at the hospital and I'll have be there until quite late. Oh Lizzy, this poor little boy. He's only five. There was a car accident and his mother was killed. He's rather seriously injured himself. His father left them four years ago, his neighbor tells me. So his grandparents are coming from Michigan, but that will take awhile of course, and he hasn't seen them since he was two. I'm sure he won't remember, especially in the condition he's in... no other relatives near here either. So you see I've got to stay here..."

"I'm sure Bing will understand. And don't worry about the milk. Umm... I hope the little boy is better and... everything..." I didn't know quite what to say. Things like that, I never do.

Jen said a hasty goodbye and hung up.

Why do I end up feeling so depressed and guilty after encounters like this? Jen is just so... good. And I am so not.

I tried to focus on the paperwork, but a tear suddenly marred it. And then another one. No. No. I do not cry. Especially not at work. I shoved the papers over and burst into tears.

Someone opened the door. I gulped. Nooo....

"Lizzy...?" It was Colin's voice.

"How did you get in?" I demanded, but it's hard to sound imposing when your voice is muffled by the table, your arms, and sobs.

"Ah, key?"

"Go away."

"No." I heard lock of the door click and the wheels of a chair roll across the floor. Colin sat down. "This isn't good..." he murmured softly, sliding his hand along my arm. "What happened? he asked in my ear.

I muttered something into my arms.

"Mmm, no. Come here." He dragged me up and over to him, and I somehow ended up with my head on his chest and my arms around his neck. "Now tell me what's wrong."

"It's because you're a horrible man," I sniffled against his shoulder.

"Okay," Colin agreed. "What else?"

"And I'm not nice. I'm moody and I'm not patient and I'm despicable and I make mean comments to people who really haven't done much to me and I'm so bad that even Richard gets upset with me, and all I worry about are stupid, petty, self-centered things and meanwhile Jen is worried because a little boy she's counseling at the hospital just lost his mother and now all he has is grandparents he doesn't even know."

"That's a pretty comprehensive list," Colin replied calmly, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "Although I would have to disagree with that part about you being despicable, for starters. But let's back up a bit so I can understand this better. What specifically have I done that's horrible?"

"Because. I can't believe you sent Will over to my house last Saturday. What were you thinking, Colin? It was so embarrassing, him yelling at Billy and creating that big fuss, and all the neighbors were wondering what was going on, and then he was expecting I was going to be glad he had done that -- and I never even wanted him to come in the first place."

"Right... Will did tell me what happened -- did you really have to insult him so much, Lizzy? He was trying to help. Was that really necessary?"

"I told you I'm mean," I muttered. "But why couldn't you have just come over like I asked, Colin?"

"Well... I was trying to -- I thought... maybe..."

"Well don't." I sniffled again. "I don't really want to talk about it -- now. Know what else you did?"

"Oh dear."

"And now I think even Will thinks it too.. everyone thinks I'm in love with you."

"Everyone?" Colin asked.

"Well..." I put my chin on his shoulder. "Maybe not everyone. Lindsey doesn't, at least. But almost everyone else does. I don't know why! It's not fair, Colin."

"Lindsey doesn't think so? Hmmm. Actually, there was something about her I was thinking... but that can wait. I don't think you're in love with me," he added helpfully. "Although --"

"What?"

"Well, at least from Will's perspective, I can understand it. I mean, Saturday you might have given him that impression --"

"Saturday?" I asked sharply. "You mean he thought that already?"

"Well, really... longer than that, hon."

I banged my head against Colin's shoulder. "Why???" I wailed.

"Well, you know... no, you don't know. Let's just say Will has his little ideas? But then, if other people think so too, Lizzy..."

"I thought it was just because of today, when Kristy barged in here to continue our breakfast time argument over you, while Will was listening. She keeps insisting I'm in love with you and that I'm jealous." I looked up and glared at him. "That's the other problem. Kristy suddenly insists on being besotted with you."

"Oops..."

I smacked him on the back of the head. "Oops? Colin! What were you thinking, hitting on my sister? Kissing my sister?"

"Well I... hey, before she said she wasn't interested? What happened?"

"I don't know... a few brain cells died. But she was mad because I was trying to do her a favor and warn her off you. Thus, she concluded I must be in love with you and my motives are purely self-serving."

"Warned her off me? Come on, Lizzy, I'm not that bad --"

"Do you have any intention of having a serious relationship with her? think hard, I know those words confuse you."

"No, but..."

"See?"

"All I did was kiss her, Lizzy..."

"I know, but it better not go any further than that or I will hurt you so bad." Colin's eyes went wide; evidently he remembered the arm-twisting of last week. "And how I do so will be entirely at my discretion, as I deem appropriate," I added meaningfully. Colin winced.

"Look, Liz, I'm sorry --"

"You're so bad."

"Lizzy!"

"You are. Look at how many problems you've created for me in just a few days."

"Lizzy, really. I'm very sorry. All right, I'll stay clear of Kristy. I'll see what I can do about everyone thinking you're in love..."

I leaned back and scrutinized him. "You know, I really don't get it."

"What?"

"You. Why do they all like you? You're not even that good-looking, you know."

Colin chuckled. "Ruthless, my dear."

"Not, really. I don't understand." I eyed him critically. He had a crooked smile and a long face and a high forehead. His hair was too short in back and stuck up weirdly in front when not plastered down. He was too pale and almost never tanned, though now that summer had just finished he had a sprinkling of freckles across the middle third of his face. He laughed too loudly. His eyes had too much gray in them to be truly blue. Where was the allure? "And you are so obnoxious sometimes. What is it about you???"

He shrugged. "I don't know. But I do have a date tonight, so there." He smirked.

"Who?"

"Angela in the floral department."

I frowned. "I don't think there is an Angela in floral, Colin... there's an Angela in the Service Desk, but -- Colin..."

"Right..." he said, slowly turning deeper and deeper red. "Er, I meant Tracy."

"Colin!"

"Sorry..."

Lucky for him he had the grace to be nonplused; otherwise I think I would have hit him very, very hard.

"I mean, they're a lot alike..."

I snorted. Tracy is a shy, quiet brunette. Angela is a outgoing blonde who keeps up a raucous, ongoing flirtation with Colin. "I told you you're terrible."

"I'm sorry," he said meekly.

I shook my head. "Tracy's a nice girl," I admonished. "Promise no bad stuff, Colin."

"I'll be a perfect gentleman."

"Hmmm, right."

"What else was bothering you, Lizzy?" he asked desperately.

"Bad day," I muttered. Things seemed a bit more in perspective now. Love Colin -- just not the way people think I do. "The Kristy thing was a crisis... I guess everything went downhill from there."

"Sorry..."

I sighed. "We'll get it straightened out. Just Colin?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop being stupid, okay?" I went on before he could reply. "And I'm just so flawed. I embarrassed Julie earlier by being discourteous to a customer... and Richard got mad at me because of how I treat Carol Ann -- he likes her, you know. Thinks she has 'potential.'"

Colin gave a shout of laughter. "Richard? Well, it will get her off Will's back at least. hey, maybe Rich does have a point though. Who knows, maybe she's changed since high school and we won't let her show it. Gotta give everyone another chance, I guess."

"Yeah... but it made me think, I'm so impatient, so intolerant. And maybe I hold grudges too long. And then look at Jen. She's so nice, so much more kind and forbearing than I am. And that's why Will's just messing with my mind. he can't really like me."

"I don't think I see the connection..."

"Because, Colin, I'm so imperfect. I mean, what do I have that would interest him? I'm not the kindest, I'm not the smartest, I'm not the funniest, I'm not the prettiest, God knows I'm not the richest..."

"Why do you think you have to be an '-est' for you to interest him?" Colin asked, shuffling over.

Huh. "Well -- I don't know. It just seems like -- Well, I'm out of his league. I mean..."

"I think you're out of your mind, more like it."

"No, Colin, I -- I just don't see what he would want in me."

Colin sighed. "Lizzy Lizzy Lizzy..."

"Do you know what? Even my mother thinks I'm in love with you." I groaned. "She called me today -- wanted to see if I'd go out with some guy she works with named Harvey, and when the answer was a resounded no, she announced I must tell you my true feelings for you."

"Which would actually be that you don't find me attractive at all," said Colin in a mock-hurt tone. He laughed. "Your mom's great, Lizzy. Tell her I miss her chocolate chip cookies."

"That means she'll bake about four dozen and send them over to you."

Colin smirked. "I know."

I poked him in the ribs. "You're so skinny. I don't get it."

Colin rolled his eyes. "I seem to fail to meet all your standards Lizzy. So sorry."

"You should be! you know what, though," I said wistfully. "I have to admit... Will on the other hand..."

Colin burst out laughing. "Liz!" He raised an eyebrow. "Hey, you dumped that water on him for a reason, didn't you?"

I blushed. "No! I did that without thinking, I was just mad. But then I started noticing..."

Colin flopped back in his chair and laughed. "This is great."

I glared at him. "I'm never telling you anything again." I threatened.

"Yeah right." He snickered again.

"None of my mother's cookie's for you!"

"I'll ask her myself." He smirked. "You're so funny Liz."

"Dork," I muttered. "Hey, what was that about Lindsey?"

"Oh yeah! Know what, Lizzy, it's going downhill fast."

"You mean with Jack."

"Yep. See, I've started to notice, a lot of times he'll be talking and her mind will start wandering off. She's bored."

Huh. I had to admit, I had noticed that too. "Congratulations, you're more observant than I though," I retorted.

Colin looked at me but chose not to respond to the sarcastic comment. "And they have nothing in common anyway. Boredom is a very bad thing in a relationship."

"Like you would know!" I exclaimed in disbelief.

"I do. I mean, I always think that I'll really have something with a girl... then I start getting bored. I'm not quite the cad you think I am, Lizzy."

"Always," I said skeptically.

"Well... most of the time. About forty percent maybe."

Evidently the concept of a simple majority eludes Colin.

He scratched his head. "I don't know, I just always seem to get bored... very quickly."

"Short attention span," I suggested.

"No, it's not that. It's just -- well, they're all the same, in a way. And then there's nothing to do. I don't know... I need a girl who will give me a jolt every so often, I think."

"Hmmm..."

"By the way," Colin continued casually. "She still mad at me?"

"Lindsey? Hmm...Well yes, but..."

"Easing up?" asked Colin with a grin. "Excellent. I hate her being mad at me."

"So I've noticed."

He picked at a loose thread on his knee. "I mean, why does she have to be like this? That girl can do the cold shoulder more thoroughly than anyone else I know. I mean, with you, it's boom, the top of Mount Vesuvius blows off, and then it's all over. Well, you do have your adolescent hang-ups now and then, but or the most part, it's over pretty quickly. But Lindsey..." He frowned. "I miss her. Miss talking to her. She's fun, then she's not being mean to me."

"You want me to test the waters?" I asked sympathetically.

His face lit up. "Thanks, Lizzy."

Julie opened the door. "So glad to see the two of you are working so hard," she observed sarcastically.

Colin and I could only look at the floor guiltily.

"I need someone to make a delivery out to the country. Any volunteers?"

"Me!" Colin and I both said automatically.

Julie rolled her eyes. "I'm not sure how much I trust you with a car. Especially when some of this stuff needs to be handled carefully."

Actually, Colin is a much more careful driver than I am, I have to admit. But no reason Julie had to know that. I stood up with a triumphant smile. Besides, i would do it faster.

"Don't rub it in, Lizzy," Colin teased, intercepting my smirk.

"Thank you, Elizabeth. Hey Will," she called. "You guys can load it now, it's all ready. Whose car are you going to take."

"What - Wait - Will?!??" I spluttered.

"It's a big delivery, Lizzy," Julie replied. "Of course I'm sending two of you."

"Will!"

Julie was not Colin; this was not some cockamamie plan to throw us together, but that did not make me like it any more.

"Lizzy, I don't have time for your silliness," said Julie impatiently.

Behind me Colin was laughing loudly. I turned to glare at him and he said something that sounded suspiciously like "Adolescent hang-ups."

I stuck my chin out. "What silliness?" I asked haughtily. "Which door would you like me to pull up to, Julie?"

Part 17: Some days it Pours

Posted on Friday, 15 June 2001

(Elizabeth)

"Sh -- she is going with me?" Will Fitzdarcy stuttered, nodding his head in my direction.

"Yessss...." replied Julie in a tone of forced patience.

"But --" I began, but Julie cut me off as Colin emerged from the computer room.

"Just a second, Lizzy. Hey Colin, come here. Have you fixed register five yet? I want to put a cashier on it in about two minutes."

Colin looked blank. "Eh, what?" His nose wrinkled. "I didn't know it was broken, Julie..."

She pursed her lips in displeasure. "Lindsey never told you?"

"Oh. Er, well... actually no..." Colin tried to defend her, though he knew full well Lindsey deliberately had not told him. "But hey, you know what, I'm sure she must have run into some problem she had to take care of, you know... or something like that... yeah?"

At this unfortunate juncture Lindsey arrived, oblivious to Julie's anger, but only for about another three seconds.

"Oh, fantastic," said Julie sarcastically. "Uh-huh, I see... This is just great, we're in middle school again." She glared at all and sundry.

Will ran his hand through his hair several times, clearly still on his own train of thought. His face was slowly but consistently darkening to a brick red. "A delivery -- with her??? Oh no... I mean, oooh this is bad ah erm Julie I um.... with her! I don't think --"

Julie erupted. "I am so sick of my subordinates acting like little children!" she shouted. We all stopped to stare at her.

"Yes, that means all of you, Will, Elizabeth, Colin, Lindsey, Kristen -- and Andrew, stop staring at that baseball game and please do something -- all of you, do something! I don't want to hear, see, or be informed of any diversions. That means no squabbling, no dawdling, no chatting, no whining and complaining, no flirting -- Colin, yes, that was directed primarily at you--"

Colin opened his mouth to protest, but Julie steamed on before he could say a word.

"No computer games in the office, no personal calls, no sept-hourly expeditions to the drinking fountain, no wasting time teasing the cashiers, no lounging by the Service Desk. No incessant fiddling with the copying machine when you know you're never going to be able to fix it. No procrastinating, no pre- and post-lunch snacks, no offending the customers, no reading the magazines, newspapers, and coloring books. No crashing the computer system by experimenting with your new programs, Will--"

"But that wasn't -- I --" he argued, but Julie ignored him.

"No trying to listen in on the gossip in the accounting office. No tête-à-têtes in the computer room. No deploying seventeen-year-old cashiers on jobs that are your responsibilities while you stand at the runners' desk pretending to look important and 'busy'. No swearing, no shenanigans, no neglecting the paperwork I ask you to do -- Lizzy..."

My sister giggled but stopped abruptly when Julie turned a cold glare on her. However, Kristy escaped the individual critique the rest of us received.

"Boys, no complaining about having to wear a tie. No traipsing outside to pretend to supervise the Helping Hands, no standing around aimlessly, no random doodling at the runners' desk. No wandering over to the cafe to make sure it's still there -- hey, what do you know, it always is. No breakdown of communication because you're giving someone the silent treatment and seething over personal issues, Lindsey--"

Lindsey pursed her lips, an angry spark jumping into her eyes, but said nothing. Colin, however, tried to defend her -- again. "Julie, wait a second, don't you think that's a little--"

"No, I don't," she interrupted. "No Post-it-Notes with bits of your thesis scribbled on them scattered all about the managers' office, Colin. No trips back to the storage room just to look for a marker, no excursions to the coffee bar to take back that one all-important cupholder, oh however can they manage without it... it can wait!!!. No blowing off assignments, no ignoring of messes. No watching the television in the video department -- Andrew!!!"

Nervously, the rest of us glanced towards the luckless Andy. He was standing a few yards away staring through the window of the video store, so mesmerized by the nationally broadcasted magnetism of professional baseball he had never heard Julie.

A dangerous flash appeared in her eyes. Richard was approaching us, but upon descrying Julie's rage, he prudently turned around. She did not notice his defection; her eyes were focused with predatory intent upon Andrew Dennison. The rest of us shot furtive, desperate looks at each other, helpless as we watched Julie drummed her fingertips together.

Lindsey was the brave one. Studiously avoiding Julie's glare, she darted away towards Andrew. We watched as she reached up to lay her hand on his shoulder and murmured something in his ear, causing him to jump, then as they both glanced back at our nervous little group standing around the visibly furious Julie and apparently judged it wiser not to return, for Andy began to collect the blue shopping baskets at a frenetic pace and Lindsey took out a spray bottle and roll of paper towels and started cleaning the unoccupied registers.

The set of Julie's mouth relaxed into a condescending expression. "There now, you see that?" she asked, now speaking in her usual pleasant modulated tone. "Lovely." We nodded dumbly. Then Colin's nose twitched and a hint of the disarming smile began to appear.

"Ah... really sorry Julie, we didn't know you were so ups--"

"You. Quiet."

Colin's eyebrows shot up in alarm at her command. Then he followed Lindsey and Andy's lead, striding away to do something productive as fast as his long legs could manage and still have it technically be called a walk.

Julie turned to my sister. "You can go home early if you want, Kristy. It isn't very busy and you only have another hour or so anyway."

"Um. Sure." Kristen edged away slowly, too scared to turn her back on Julie.

Which now left just me and Will. "You were saying, Willis?" she asked in a sugar-coated voice.

He gulped and answered quickly. "Oh n-never mind, it was nothing. Well, only ah, where do you think the best place to bring the cart of deliveries would be? Ma'am?"

"I'm sure the door in front of the drive-up zone would be the easiest," she replied smoothly. Will scurried away. Julie smiled at me benignly, and I felt like an appetizing mouse gazing up at a hawk.

I gave my superior a tentative little smile and decided to play it cool. Just because my colleagues had to betray their terror didn't mean I had to as well.

"So, where are we taking this stuff? The country, you said?"

"Up to Canadaigua. I had Lindsey print you out a map off the Internet."

"Canadaigua?" I asked, surprised. "Isn't that kind of far -- I mean, why didn't the people order it from another store that was closer?"

I didn't mind though. I needed to get out of the store and I like making deliveries -- after all, it happens to be something that entails driving. The scenery would be nice: early fall by the lakeshore. And country back roads mean you can go at least fifteen or twenty miles over the speed 'limit'. The only drawback to this trip was the presence of Will Fitzdarcy.

"Apparently somebody who lives in Pittsford and is attending the function was supposed to pick it up on the way to Canadaigua, but he forgot," Julie replied. "You know how it is, people being irresponsible and neglecting to do assignments," she added sweetly.

"Oh," was all I could muster.

"Whose car are you taking?" Julie asked as Will came back with the deliveries.

"Mine," I replied. "Of course."

Will looked like he was going to say something but thought better of it.

I was stopped by Colin on my way to the parking lot. He was hovering in a perplexed but hopeful orbit around Lindsey, trying to help her while she placidly ignored him. Actually, ignoring is too weak a verb to describe it; Lindsey was doing everything possible to deny the existence of Colin short of walking through him.

Despite Julie's warning. Despite Colin's twice attempted defense of her. Despite all that is sane and sensible. I shook my head. Lindsey doesn't give things up easily.

Colin drew me aside. "I thought you said she was easing up!" he demanded, following me outside.

"She is. Be patient... give it a little more time."

"More time!" he exploded. A few heads turned, and he dropped his voice. "Come on, Lizzy. I'm doing everything I can, but nothing from her. What am I, invisible?"

"Very much not," I said dryly. "By the way, she's thinking of getting a car." I knew it would upset him.

"She never told me," said Colin, sounding hurt.

"She hasn't told you anything in a while, dear."

Colin frowned, shrugged, and started back towards the store. "But I'm right about Jack!" he called, walking backwards.

"And?" I retorted. "Then what?"

Colin's nose and forehead wrinkled. I took pity on him as decided to let him off easy.

"Hey Colin? Do green and gray match?"

He grinned, quicker than Richard and more direct than Andrew. "You look good, Lizzy." He walked away chuckling.

As always, I felt a spark of delight as I turned the keys to start Spencer. I love driving. I love cars. I love my car -- my car. Compact, maneuverable, eager to please, a child of the eighties, red, Spencer is the love of my life. We've been together five years as of this past August. He's certainly more reliable and more sensitive than any human men I've ever had a relationship with.

I pulled up to the drive-up/employee door and got out to help Will and Colin load the food in the car.

"All right, ready Elizabeth?" Will asked. He opened the driver's side door and slid into the seat... Into my driver's seat of my car, his hands on my steering wheel. What???

"What are you doing?" I asked frostily.

Will looked confused, then read my face. He jumped out of the car, muttering profuse and incoherent apologies.

I made no reply but to disdainfully assume my rightful place behind the wheel of my car. Colin knocked on my window.

I rolled it down. "What do you want?"

Colin shot a look at Will, smirked mischievously, and leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Hey Lizzy, if you can help it, don't throw Will into Canadaigua Lake when you're up there, okay hon?" He laughed at my expression and sauntered back into the store.

The flush of heat that swept over my face told me there was a correspondent flush of color.

"Wha --?" Will cried involuntarily as I furiously pealed out of the parking lot. He collected himself. "What was that all about?"

"Hmm?"

"With Colin. What did he say -- I mean, errr... I'm wondering if it was anything important -- work-related I mean, of course... only special instructions about the delivery or um... something..."

"None of your business, " I snapped.

Will's eyebrows shot up; he looked at me, still red-faced, and looked down at the floor of the car. Annoyed, I took out my frustrations on the accelerator... until the stoplight in front of me had the audacity to turn red. Then the brake felt the full force of my indignation.

"Whatta --? Whatta--?" Will spluttered. I shot him a glare.

"Any problems?" I hit the accelerator again and took the turn sharply. Very sharply.

"Ehhhh... no." Will's eyes went huge and riveted on the guardrail as I turned again.

"Good." If he's got problems with my driving, he can walk.

"Ermm... yeah. Whatever. Huh."

Good God. This is ridiculous. This is an intelligent and capable man, who is certainly proud of any and all his abilities, and yet he can't string a simple sentence together, much less carry on a decent conversation. I like men who can talk, damnit! Suddenly, Colin Wesley is looking extremely attractive.

Fine, if he isn't going try to talk to me, he can just suffer in silence. Or then again, it would be a greater punishment for him to be forced into conversation, wouldn't it?

But what to say... what to say... What did one discuss with a Willis J. Fitzdarcy? Weather, no, how boring. He's a computer person, but if I try to talk about that, I'll look stupid. Work? No, that's too easy. Books? No. Pets? No. Movies? No. Family??? No!

He was staring straight out the window, but occasionally flicked glances at me that were starting to become very unnerving. I took a deep breath.

"So, Will... do green and gray match?"

He has no idea. I swear. Of course, being a guy, being an attractive, arrogant, twenty-eight year old guy, being Will, he had to pretend he knows. So he gave me some sort of rambling answer, trying to explain that green and gray are both arguably in the blue 'family', that his Aunt Phyllis just painted her kitchen green and gray and that must mean something, that they are found together in nature, and a lot of other nonsense. He finally mumbled something about green and gray starting with the same two letters -- or even three, should that be your spelling preference -- therefore, green and gray are meant to belong together. Now why didn't I think of that?

"Okay, so you don't know," I interrupted, wearied of his digressions.

"What? Of course I know. Haven't I just told you --"

"A long stream of nonsense? Indeed."

"Well really, Elizabeth, 'do green and gray match?' What kind out shot out of the blue is that?"

"Now you're mixing your metaphors. It should be --"

"I can do whatever I bloody want with the English language!" Will cried.

"When why don't you try using it, for starters?"

"What?"

"I you can do anything with the English language, why can't you even attempt a half-way decent conversation with me? You know, showcase your skill, if for something else," I said sarcastically.

"I never do anything for that, Elizabeth. I never try to court favorable opinion," he snapped. "If I'm good, I'm good -- no need to prove that by playing to others."

I fumed at the arrogance of the man and at the implication that I was preoccupied with general opinion, while he was a latter-day Thoreau. So I ignored him, keeping my eyes on the stoplight. It changed to green, and I let the car shoot forward, provoking a strangled gasp from Will.

"Bloody hell! What's wrong with you, woman?"

I only smiled. Sullenly, Will looked sideways at me. "And Lizzy... why was your lipstick on Colin's shirt...?"

"What?" I cried angrily. Spencer veered sharply to the left. "So I go around snogging various coworkers in the backrooms, is that what you think of me?"

"No, I -- snogging?"

"Kissing and... etcetera. The British version. Like in Bridget Jones."

"Chick book," Will dismissed.

"What, just because it doesn't have speedboat chases or expensive pyrotechnics? Besides, it's a modern adaptation of Pride and Prejudice -- a classic."

"I've read that!" Will exclaimed, rather proudly, I thought. So what does he want, a Presidential Medal of Honor? Ought to be required for the NYS Regents, I think... ah well, no one listens to me.

"Your point?" I asked bluntly.

"Just trying to prove to you that I am literate," he sulked.

"Oh.... really...." I drawled, taking Spencer around a tight curve. "I would have thought if you're literate, you're literate, no need to prove it to others..."

He flushed dark red. "Do you always have to twist my words like this, Elizabeth? What is it you want from me?"

I stared at the reflection of his scowl in my rearview mirror. What did I want from him? I didn't even know I had wanted anything from him... but what drove me to treat the man as I did? I'm not a mean person by nature, really, but something about Willis Fitzdarcy got under my skin. Put me on the defensive. Goaded these feelings.

I saw him relax his face. "All right Lizzy, I'm sorry I insulted your book. So it was good?"

I frowned uncertainly. Why...? "Yeah, it was great... they're supposed to be making a movie of it, for next summer, I think. With Colin Firth -- the cool think is he was Mr. Darcy in BBC's Pride and Prejudice. So deliciously dark," I added with relish.

Will raised his eyebrow, looking amused. "I see."

I caught another glance of him in the mirror and blushed. Will was dark too... deliciously?

I didn't think I should pursue that line of thought.

"I can't remember where I'm supposed to turn here," I murmured. "You got that map ready, Will?"

It looked like it was going to rain again. It had held off for the entire drive to Candidagua, but the clouds were darkening in the direction of Rochester.

"Will?"

"Er..."

"Don't tell me."

"Yeah, I'm afraid so... I think I left it on the customer's kitchen table. S-"

"Will!!!"

"I'm sorry, Lizzy. Really. Look, I think it's left, wasn't it?"

"Right, I thought," I said dubiously, looking the intersection up and down.

"Errr... well, you drove, I guess it's your call?"

Will and I alternated guesses for the next five turns.

"This doesn't look familiar at all. What does that sign there say, Will?"

"Uh-oh..."

"Will?!?" I shrieked.

"It said 'Welcome to Seneca County'..."

I swore.

"Isn't that sort of... halfway to Syracuse?" Will observed.

"Argh!!!"

"Come on Lizzy, why don't we just pull over at a gas station and --"

"Why would we do that?" I demanded.

Will blinked at me. "Because we're lost..."

"No we're not," I snapped.

"No? What do you call it?"

"We're not lost."

"Do you know how to get back to Pittsford, then?"

"We're not lost," I reiterated. Will just gave me a look. "We are temporarily misplaced."

Will let out a guffaw, undeterred by my glare. "Okay Lizzy, you call it that."

"Come on Will, can't you just shut up and let me concentrate."

"You're almost out of gas," he observed unhelpfully.

"No I'm not."

"You didn't even look. You're almost empty."

I glanced at the meter and called Will an impolite name.

"The next station is right ahead," he replied calmly.

I hope he felt the reverberations when I slammed the door.

I filled the tank and was about to get back in the car when I heard voices.

"Excuse me, sir," Will said to an employee. "We're --" he noticed me. "We're temporarily misplaced. Could you tell us how to get to Monroe County?"

"B------!" I exploded.

The man winked at Will and smirked. "Fiesty one, ain't she? You're a lucky man, buddy."

"Something like that," Will replied with a small chuckle.

Before I could decide which I would kill first, a clap of thunder interrupted us. Immediately it began to rain. Hard. I was wearing a windbreaker, but Will, being tough and manly, had distained a jacket or a sweater, wearing only his white dress shirt... his now rather wet white dress shirt.

I looked at the sky hopelessly. Evidently God has a sense of humor. Evidently I am the butt of his joke.

"Come on Elizabeth, what did I do that was so bad?" Will teased.

"First you go behind my back and tell everyone I got us lost, I'm such a ditz, then you make me into a sex object with a gas station attendant," I replied frostily, not looking at him. I didn't think it would be a good idea to look at him.

"Lizzy, I didn't do that. Come on, you think I'd objectify you?"

"You certainly didn't seem to mind."

"All right, I'm sorry, but what did you want me to do?"

"For one, you didn't have to smirk --"

"That wasn't a smirk. That was a... an uneasy smile."

I snorted. "And I'm not saying you had to send him to the emergency room, but you could have defended my honor --"

"So you like 'em chivalrous?" Will laughed, rather to my surprise. How strange. He was relaxed now; I was uneasy and defensive. All right, enough of that.

"Colin would have," I replied sweetly

Will's lips tightened and he looked out his window. "Yes, Colin does everything right for you, doesn't he?"

"I'm not in love with him..." I murmured.

Will's head whipped around. "But well uh --"

I laughed. "He's a great friend, but he's just not my type."

"Hmmm..."

"I like the dark, brooding, intense ones," I said demurely.

"Hmmm." said Will.

"Well, we made it," Will commented as headed into the eastern suburbs of Rochester.

"Took us an extra hour and a half, but I'm sure Julie isn't going to suspect us of doing anything untoward," I replied impishly.

"Lizzy!!!"

"Hey, do you want to go home?" I interrupted.

"Home?"

"I mean, your house -- I thought maybe it would be a good idea for you to change..." I gestured vaguely at his shirt.

"Oh! Yeah, thanks. I had forgotten about it."

I hadn't.

I wandered around the Fitzdarcy library as I waited for Will. There were a substantial amount of classics and contemporary fiction, in addition to the masses of history and biographies. I espied a copy of Pride and Prejudice and flipped it open. Laura Lindsey was inscribed on the front cover. Hmmm. I studied a studio photograph of a woman of about thirty, taken about twenty-some years ago. She had dark eyes and smooth waves of dark hair. The picture next to it I recognised as Robert Fitzdarcy -- sandy hair, hazel eyes, much like his daughter. Will certainly took after his mother.

I half turned as Will came into the library, tying a new tie. "Your mother?" I asked, indicating the picture.

He looked surprised. "Yes... that's right, you never knew her. They gave my sister her maiden name, you know..." He looked around the library. "Most of these books were my father's. Lindsey's read a lot of them... she's always liked the same sort of stuff as he did. I never come in here much..."

Wondering at that enigmatical statement, I followed him out of the library. "You want something to drink?" Will called over his shoulder.

"No, I'm fine. Will..."

"Yes?"

"Thanks anyway." I smiled. He looked at me quizzically for a second, then met my eyes and smiled.

"No problem."

When we got back to the store, Colin and Andy were peering through the windows of the video department, gazing in awed fascination at the outcome of the baseball game.

"Looks like we might just have ourselves a subway series!" Colin exclaimed, enthusiastically slapping hands with Andrew.

"Yeah!" Andy shouted. "Hah, Mets," he added scornfully, ever a die-hard Yankees fan.

I tugged Colin's shirt and dragged him over to a corner. His eyes crinkled as he smirked humorously. "So, just enough time to take the stuff out to Canadagua then dispose of Will in a convenient quarry?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Never mind, I see him right there. All right... so alternatively, enough time to make the delivery and then find a convenient mot--"

"Colin!"

"Oh, I'll keep your secret Lizzy," he teased.

"We got... temporarily misplaced," I confessed.

"You got lost."

"Yeah... Will left the map at the customer's house. We ended up in Seneca County..."

Colin let out a low whistle. "I'm impressed. So, how did you kids get along? Have fun?"

"It rained," I said matter-of-factly.

His eyebrows shot up. "I see. Hey, no need for the lake, huh?"

"Something like that..." I mumbled.

Colin's blue-gray eyes flickered with amusement but before he could make a joke, Will approached us. Colin murmured something to Will that I couldn't hear but made Will laugh. Julie came toward us, talking on the phone but with a distinctly sardonic expression.

"No, Jason... it was supposed to be 400 degrees at five o'clock, not 500 at four... oh well, why don't you just order a pizza... it's okay honey... see you later." Julie turned off the phone and raised her eyebrow at us. "You certainly took your time..."

"'No personal calls', Julie," Colin mimicked wickedly.

"Ah Mr. Wesley, that reminds me, I need you to go on register 21; the cashier's going home and I don't have a replacement yet --"

"Not again," Colin muttered.

Julie led him away, cheerfully dictating a list that seemed to include rather a lot of "and thens."

Will and I were left to stare foolishly at each other, not sure what to say.

"Hey Lizzy..." Lindsey called. "I've got problems..."

"What's wrong?" I asked, walking with her away from Will, who looked a bit startled.

"Jack."

"What about him."

"He doesn't like baseball. How's that possible?"

"Well --"

"And he plays soccer! I hate soccer!"

"Okay --"

"I mean really hate it. Game of idiots, just kick the ball up and down the field... why?"

"Precisely, why?"

"I don't know. It's such a repetitive game. It's --"

"I wasn't talking about soccer."

"Then...?"

"Why Jack?"

"Well..."

"He's hot," I supplied.

"Hmmm," said Lindsey doubtfully.

"Dark eyes and I'd almost consider dating him."

"Actually I like the blue eyes... except I like more blue eyes with some green... or gray..."

I groaned.

"Not that there's anything wrong with Jack, just... he's not really my type... I'm not saying he isn't hot, it's just I like better --"

"Light brown hair, bluish eyes, skinny, charming, boy-next-door, likes baseball, plays baseball..."

Lindsey blushed at looked at the ceiling. "Something like that..." she told it.

"The rafters concur," I said sardonically.

Lindsey looked at me again. "Well, you ain't always get exactly what you want--"

"Dump him."

"What??"

"You heard me. Dump him."

"But..."

"Why not?"

"Well... I can't just do that... for no reason ..."

"I see a hell of a lot of reason."

"Lizzy..."

"Lindz! You can't keep on with things as they are! Take him or leave him."

"Maybe if I just ignore it it'll go away?" she suggested hopefully.

"Keep dreaming," I laughed, walking off to answer a light.

"Hey Lizzy," she called after me. "You're welcome to him if you want! Or if you know anyone who likes soccer, tell her to call me!"

Continued In Next Section