A Little Interference Goes a Long Way

Author's Note: Please do not archive this story.

Rating: PG-13

This is a little bit of fluff we collaborated on. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did! It is not to be taken seriously.

A Little Interference Goes A Long Way

by Alicia M, Jen P, Nicole K (nnkellett@gmail.com), and Cindy C

Darcy rolled over, looked at his wife, and with a flustered sigh said, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry ... "

"Do not worry, my dear," said Elizabeth, rolling her eyes, "it happens to everyone."

He furrowed his brow, "How do you know?"

"Oh, um, so I have heard ... women talk, you know."

The next day, Lizzy went for her daily ride. Though formerly, she had been no horsewoman, she had taken up riding since her marriage. She reflected to herself that the sensation was not unpleasant, and sadly, more satisfying than fulfilling her marital duties. She didn't know she'd have to be relying on her own staff for everything. When she arrived back at the house, she found a letter from her dear friend Charlotte Collins, inviting her to Hunsford. Elizabeth immediately accepted.

After a long, hard carriage ride that was not unpleasant in which Lizzy continually commanded the coachman to change speeds, she arrived in good spirits. A servant showed her into the drawing room, where her friend sat. "I would stand to greet you, Lizzy," said Charlotte, "but Mr. Collins visited my room last night."

Elizabeth was shocked, and almost began to regret her rejection of her cousin. "Whatever can you mean?"

"You know what I mean, I'm sure your husband is well endowed."

"Oh yes, he has ten thousand a year."

"You know very well that is not what I meant," replied Charlotte, looking coyly at her friend.

"You do not mean to say that Mr. Collins injured you during his visit!"

"I would not call it an injury. In truth he cannot help it. He is so ... so ... what is the word?"

"Well endowed?" asked Lizzy, at last catching her friend's drift.

Charlotte replied with a grin.

"If you cannot even stand, how did you get to the drawing room?"

"Mr. Collins carried me, of course."

At that moment, Mr. Collins entered the room from his garden, with a large oblong vegetable in hand. "Look what I've managed to grow!" he boasted. "I believe I shall show this off at the Kent fair this year."

His wife reproached him, "Put that away," she said, "a drawing room is no place for you to brandish your prized arbor vitae, and I assure you Lizzy has no interest in seeing it; take that dirty thing back to the garden."

Elizabeth in the meanwhile had not even seen the dirty vegetable as she was too busy gazing at Mr. Collins' breeches to take a peek at the peak her friend had hinted at.

Later that afternoon, the two ladies walked towards Rosings to call on Lady Catherine, despite the intense heat. As they approached the village, they heard a bustle in a field to one side. Upon seeing the source of the sound, Elizabeth observed, "I did not know a regiment was quartering close by."

"Yes," replied Charlotte, "I often walk this way to call at Rosings."

"They seem to be practicing with their weaponry," observed Elizabeth as she stared at the men, all glistening from their exertions.

"Oh here comes Captain Biggerstaff," remarked Charlotte with a smile.

"Mrs. Collins," called the captain, "how pleasant to see you." He was introduced to Elizabeth and then showed off his musket to both ladies, remarking, "Have you ever seen such a long barrel?"

Mrs. Darcy immediately shook her head to indicate she had not, whilst Mrs. Collins said, "Oh yes. Indeed, I have."

Then noticing one of the soldiers in his command not handling his weaponry properly, he called out, "Hey there Lieutenant Dixon, take care to lubricate the barrell before inserting the ramrod! And, for god sakes, make sure it is only half cocked."

Then turning to the ladies, he explained, "Such shoddy mishandling could result in premature discharge!"

"We don't want that," said Charlotte.

They left the regiment to their business and arrived soon after at Rosings, quite flushed ... from the heat. Elizabeth, whenever she met with her aunt, always expected interrogation, however, aunt Catherine ventured further into her personal affairs than she ever had.

Lady Catherine sipped her tea as she bluntly said to Elizabeth, "You have been married quite long enough to produce an heir for Pemberley. I dare say, my nephew would ask no more of you than that. You see your friend here, has already produced two heirs for Longbourn."

Lizzy looked about the room for some inspiration on how to respond and saw only a wilting flower in a vase on the table. She sighed to herself and to prevent having to answer, picked up a cucumber sandwich from the tray in front of her, which turned out to be quite soggy and limp. She put it in her mouth anyway.

"I leave it in God's hands," said Lizzy, after she had swallowed.

Soon after, Anne de Bourgh fancied a walk, so Charlotte and Lizzy went out with her. Lizzy was surprised that Charlotte spoke rather candidly with the single young lady, about her husband's marital prowess. Anne was all curiosity and Charlotte felt a well educated young lady would be better prepared for marriage. Apparently, this was not the first time they had discussed such matters.

Lizzy was quiet during the conversation, and at length, Anne turned to her cousin-in-law and asked for her input.

"I have very little to add," said Lizzy.

Anne cocked an eyebrow and said, "Very little?"

"Very little," said Lizzy. "I fear my contribution to this conversation would not be very arousing."

Charlotte stopped walking and turning to Lizzy, placed her hand tenderly on her friend's arm and said, "Whatever can you mean, my dear friend?"

Lizzy hesitated. "I fear that Fitzwilliam cannot ... well ... it is so difficult to explain ... but my experience has been very different from yours, Charlotte." Charlotte looked puzzled, "My husband," Elizabeth explained further, "he is unable to perform ...."

Charlotte gasped with understanding, "You needn't say more."

Anne was all shock and surpise, "Do you mean my cousin, Mr. Darcy, that paragon of manhood, cannot satisfy his bride? I must say, I am very relieved to have escaped that fate."

At that moment, they heard a rustle from the bushes as Lady Catherine sauntered forth crying, "I must have my share in this conversation!" All three ladies turned to look at her. "It is quite obvious, Mrs. Darcy, as you call yourself, that you are inventing excuses for your failure to produce an heir."

"Lady Catherine, I assure you, the problem is not on my side."

"Of course it is. Clearly you are not a sufficient attraction to him."

"He comes to my room, every single night, with passion in his eyes, but not in his loins." Lady Catherine looked shocked. "I have tried everything," cried Lizzy in frustration. "Mrs. Reynolds has supplied me with a multitude of remedies, none of which have been successful."

Lady Catherine was thoughtful for a moment. Then, her eyes brightened. Looking to her daughter, she said, "You have a chill."

"It is a thousand degrees out here, Mother," replied Anne.

"Then heat exhaustion," cried her mother. "Mrs. Collins, would you be so kind?"

At that Charlotte led Anne into the house and Lady Catherine led Elizabeth down a primrose path as she spoke quietly to her.

When Elizabeth arrived home at Pemberley, she threw herself into her husband's arms and then grasping his hand, led him up to their bed chamber where Lady Catherine's advice proved fruitful. Indeed, they now had a much better grip on the situation. A few minutes later, Mr. Darcy rolled over, looked at his wife, and with a satisfied sigh said, "You should go to Kent more often."

Nine months later, Pemberley had an heir.

FINIS