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Re: Repair and retitle reposts of P&P Time Slip 1/5

April 03, 2015 03:41PM
I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it is offered. Please note the Jane Austen quote:

Quote

“Elinor agreed with it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition.”
The point of that quotation for me is that even when someone is saying something critical or less than complimentary, there is the implied compliment that the critic considered the thing being criticized worthy of the time to respond.

So, in this case, as whenever something is criticized, it may just be a minority opinion or even a single opinion. With that in mind, I find your story very hard to follow.

First of all, much of it seems taken directly from Pride and Prejudice so far, and I find I am skimming to get to your point. How does yours diverge from the original?

Second, I see quite a bit of, to me, jargony Sci-fi stuff, but I cannot quite make out what it happening or how it connects to Austen.
Quote

Starlifter 67-0007 had behaved quite well, this late in a long mission, which used to be the type's bread and butter. Hauling Air Freight during the Vietnam War caused them to put on enough flight hours to go between Major and Minor, or v.v., inspections within one mission. After that, the C-141 had been stretched, modified to receive air-to-air refueling, and then replaced by the C-17.

I like science fiction and am a Star Trekker classic, but this melding of futuristic space ship and P&P is not working so far for me. Also, why at some point does it shift into first-person narrative? It just jumps there. Perhaps I am being a dull elf, but there is nothing of mystery or suspense that makes me want to follow the bread crumbs. In Pride and Prejudice, the original, for example, it starts with the question of who these rich men who have come into the neighborhood are? It gives us sharp characters right off the bat in the dialogue we hear from Mr. and Mrs. Bennet -- he could care less about what she wants to say and she is too dim to realize it. By contrast, offering your readers a bunch of numbers that have no context is frustrating.

If this is about a time slip, could you start with how time has slipped for Jane and Elizabeth, and where they find themselves? Could you tell in simple language that does not have a lot unknown terms we have to figure out and fit into whatever context you are creating? If I wanted to pick through complicated language, I would read a manual on wood-working. That would be great for factual descriptions that I would use to connect part A to part G, as long the thingmajig 864 is well fitted into longbob.

Give me a story to intrigue my imagination and tickle my fancy.

Again, maybe it is just me. Others may be reading and enjoying, and I hope they write to let you know. This story may simply not be my cup of tea. I hope I have not offended because my intention was to be honest. In this case, I hope honesty is the kindest thing.
SubjectAuthorPosted

Repair and retitle reposts of P&P Time Slip 1/5

Rae ElaineApril 02, 2015 11:46PM

Re: Repair and retitle reposts of P&P Time Slip 1/5

TrishApril 03, 2015 07:32PM

Re: Repair and retitle reposts of P&P Time Slip 1/5

AdelaideApril 03, 2015 03:41PM

Confusions resolved(?)/Re: ... of P&P Time Slip 1/5

Rae ElaineApril 04, 2015 04:55PM

amendment to my original post

AdelaideApril 03, 2015 11:13PM



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