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Chapter 68

Posted on Monday, 9 April 2007

The moment lasted a lifetime, or perhaps just a few seconds. The difference was almost impossible to discern, somehow the concept of time had evaporated into the warm night. Darcy felt the world disappear around him. Months of agony jolted through his body; the silent suffering, the endless waiting, the excruciating doubts. He could not determine whether it was unadulterated bliss or unfathomable pain he was feeling. The difference between happiness and disappointment had been so tenuous for so long that it was almost impossible for him to trust any instinct that he still possessed. Too many times he had been fooled by his own heart. Too many times he had believed in an outcome that had not come to pass. Too many times he had been disappointed by the palpable lack of any progress and hope. He felt lost and confused and absolutely helpless. He had been so patient, so strong, so certain, so unwavering in his love for so long and now, now he felt nothing but a severe sense of panic and confusion. He knew he had gone a step too far and risked everything that he had so uncomplainingly waited for. He could not lose her now, it would simply destroy him. He could not bear to be ambivalent any longer. He was, and always had been, willing to give Elizabeth as much time as she required to vanquish her shadows, but he could not suffer in the ambivalence of her affections any more. He felt himself crying inside, a small piece of him dying with every moment. He was sick with panic. If he were to lose her now, if he had managed to push her away again, he did not know if he had the capacity to weather the storm of disappointment that was certain to ravish his heart. Every single instance in which he had shared a tender moment with her thus far had not concluded in a satisfactory manner. More often than not, she had recoiled into the protective shell that she had erected for herself and it had taken him many unimaginable days and weeks to penetrate the barriers once again. He had not demanded much to nurse his hopeful heart – a smile, a look, a kind word, something, anything. But he could not lose her now, not now, not again. He was simply not strong enough to recover again.

"You are trembling, William," Elizabeth said softly. She had titled her head away from him.

Darcy found that words, or indeed, coherent thought, escaped him. "I…"

"William?" The concern in Elizabeth’s eyes was apparent. "Are you alright?"

William. Hearing his name coming from her lips was music to his ears. He was not yet accustomed to it, despite the fact that he had imagined this exact moment innumerable times in his dreams. He wanted to attempt to convey to her a fraction of what it was that he was feeling, but he did not think that words existed in the English language to adequately capture even a hint of the essence of his tumultuous thoughts. He could not quite discern the expression in her eyes, but it appeared to him to be some mixture of alarm and concern and perhaps panic? It was too difficult to determine, perhaps due to the violence of his emotions. In the normal course, he would never have had any difficulty in divining her feelings after having even a glimpse of her eyes. But now all he could see was unspeakable terror and he had no idea if it was simply a reflection of his own eyes. The panic was almost nauseating and he had absolutely no conception of how he was to proceed.

"Elizabeth," Darcy whispered, the words barely escaping his lips.

"William, you are scaring me now. What is the matter?" Tears were welling in Elizabeth’s eyes. "Please tell me."

Elizabeth had never witnessed him in such a state before. Ever since she had met him that night on her way to Hertfordshire, that night he had saved her from highwaymen, she had known him to be strong, self assured, steadfast and undeniably constant. She had come to expect stability from him, the sort of stability that only comes to a man such as Darcy, a kind man, an honest man, a good man, the sort of man who had promised her time and time again that he would wait for her for an eternity. In fact, he had never even needed to utter those promises; they had been apparent in his every movement, every word, every look. Only make promises you can keep. Had he determined that he had made a mistake? Had he decided, in that one moment that united them that he was not prepared to tie his fortunes to hers? Was the sheer panic she saw in his eyes a sign that he was, in fact, prepared to let her go. It did not seem right, it could not be. She could not lose him now, not now, not in this moment, not when she had finally allowed herself to say the words that had been on the tip of her tongue for months now. I love you, William. I simply cannot lose you now. Fate could not be so cruel to her, not after all that had transpired, not even if she knew that she probably deserved it. Perhaps this was destiny’s way of mocking her outrageous audacity in contemplating, if just for a moment, the possibility of happiness. Her perfect, beautiful moment under the stars with him had simply been too perfect to be true. She had feared as much, but for once, she had allowed herself to imagine the possibility of a life without shadows. Not right away, no she was not arrogant enough to believe that she would miraculously forgive herself and forget the past and vanquish all her shadows. But tonight, in this moment, she knew that she could not vanquish her shadows, her demons alone. She needed him desperately, more than she had needed anything or anyone in her entire life. The day she had fainted, amidst what she had believed to be a dream, she had told him that she needed to conquer her demons before she could be a healthy and happy woman and only then could she be anything but poison to him. But in this moment, she knew that her future and his were linked inextricably, and that in order for her to emerge out of her shadows, she needed him by her side, as he had been for months. She could not lose him now, she was simply not strong enough.

"William." Elizabeth gently touched the side of his face.

Darcy recoiled slightly, almost as though her touch hurt him. "I am sorry."

Elizabeth’s heart sank, her worst fears enveloping her, choking her. She felt herself fading, drowning, dying again. It was just too much to bear. The tears that had been playing around the corners of her eyes began to flow down her cheeks. She suppressed her sobs. It was all over now, the moments of bliss had passed and Elizabeth prepared for the paralyzing wave of misery to wash over her.

"You are?"

"Please don’t cry, Elizabeth." Darcy felt physical pain at the sight of her tears.

She looked away. "You are sorry you kissed me."

"It was highly improper and I should not have done it." Darcy barely knew the words that were escaping his lips.

Her manner was showing marked deterioration, and he was attempting to diffuse the otherwise volatile situation he knew he had unwittingly created. If he apologized now, perhaps, just perhaps, she would not recoil to the sanctity of her barriers. Perhaps there was a chance that she was not at all ruffled by the events that had just transpired, perhaps she had wanted to kiss him, perhaps she was prepared to let him become a part of her life. He mustered the courage to glance at her face, but was not encouraged by the cloud of anger he saw developing through the fog of her tears. His fate seemed doomed; he had acted against reasonable dictates of propriety and was certain he would not be forgiven for it. He had enough history, enough experience to know that he would be fighting an uphill battle yet again. With no end in sight. The seeds of desperation were germinating within him and he was uncertain as to the degree to which he was willing to be honest.

Elizabeth felt the pangs of anger rise within her. "I am sorry to hear that."

With those words, Elizabeth rose from the ground and turned to leave. Hot tears of anger and incredulousness streamed down her face, staining the few moments of tranquility she had made the mistake of allowing herself. She was drained to the point of exhaustion and simply did not have the will to experience unspeakable loss just yet. She was mostly angry at herself for acting against her instincts and allowing herself to indulge in the possibility of a world without shadows. But there was a portion of her anger directed towards Darcy, he had promised her that he would never let go, he had promised her that all would be as it should and somehow, she felt betrayed by his present coldness. His entire demeanor was perplexing, not exactly cold, but a mixture of distant and desperate perhaps. She sensed the panic within him and was at a loss to explain it in any other way than to conclude that her confession of her love and that kiss had somehow opened his eyes to the truth she had known all along, that he was destined to spend his life with someone far better than she. She felt the anger dissipate into resignation and she did not know which hurt her more. She could not lose him now. That single thought kept reverberating in her head over and over again, making her dizzier than she already was. She was sobbing openly now, no longer able to contain herself. It was just as well, she did not have the strength to pretend any longer.

"Elizabeth," Darcy was standing next to her now. "Please, please stop crying. I cannot bear to see you cry. Please."

"I…" She looked at him, his probing eyes were fixed on hers and knew she had to escape. "I should go…"

She turned to leave, but Darcy reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Elizabeth, no."

Her tear stained face twisted into a frown. "I don’t… I don’t understand."

"I cannot lose you again." Darcy felt the words spilling out of him at a frenzied pace. "I need you- I need you to never let go, Elizabeth. I need you to promise me that you will not let go. I cannot bear it, I just… I need you to understand." Darcy could feel that he was beginning to tremble again, but could not force himself to stop.

"I do not have the pleasure of understanding you, Mr. Darcy," Elizabeth managed to say with as much composure as she was able to muster. Please let me go, I cannot bear your pity.

"Elizabeth," he whispered in response. "Please promise me you will never let go." His hands were still trembling violently and he was making no further attempt to conceal the violence of his emotions. He pleaded with her silently, his eyes begging her to understand.

"You just told me you were sorry you kissed me." Elizabeth could not conceal her confusion. "I am at a loss…"

"I am sorry. I am sorry if my crossing the bounds of propriety caused you any- …" He paused, searching for the right words. "Discomfort. I did not intend for it to happen."

"I see." Elizabeth pulled her hand free from his grip. "You are reconsidering your actions, I understand you perfectly, Mr. Darcy. It is magnanimous of you to pretend to care about my discomfort."

"I have never pretended with you, Elizabeth."

"Am I expected to commend you on your honesty?"

Darcy did not understand the animosity apparent in her voice. "Would you rather I conceal my true feelings?"

"That might be well advised."

"I cannot do it, Elizabeth. Not anymore." He sounded tired, weary, defeated.

"I will not allow you to feel any regrets," Elizabeth responded. "You do have to feel sorry about anything. I do not need your pity. You are not required to keep any of the promises you might have made in haste tonight."

"I only make promises that I can keep, Elizabeth."

"There is no need to conceal your true feelings. I know them too well."

Darcy’s thoughts traveled to the future, the next few weeks, months, years, and all he could picture were countless encounters of forced civility and strained silence, unspoken words and broken promises. He imagined rueful smiles and clandestine glances, he heard suppressed laughter and bitter regrets. He knew he could not exist in that world, not any more, not after this night, not after having heard her declaration of love. He had always believed in her love, her eyes had told him as much; her words had simply cemented his beliefs. He had survived many months in the shadows of doubts and ambivalence, and he had never known until this moment to what extent those months had damaged him. His sanity had been held together by a tenuous thread of seemingly endless patience and hope, and that thread was about to rupture. Now that the words had been uttered, he could not exist in a world of ambivalent silence. His patience and hope had not failed him, he was still willing to wait for an eternity, patient, undemanding, unobtrusive. All he required in return was the knowledge that she loved him and would not banish him from her life. He did not even need to hear those three words again; what he feared was her hatred, her disdain, and perhaps worst of all, her indifference. He felt the threads of his sanity rupturing, and an unstoppable wave of pain and exhaustion washed over him.

"I cannot battle you any longer, Elizabeth. I am tired." Darcy walked a few steps away from her and sank to the ground. "I am so tired, Elizabeth. I cannot lose you." He sighed softly. "Not again, not all over again. I am sorry I kissed you, honestly, I really never meant to upset you. I just could not stop myself. I love you so much. I am sorry. I am so sorry. You have to forgive me, Elizabeth, I cannot lose you again."

Elizabeth stood motionless, shocked beyond words. She had never witnessed him reduced to this state before. He was sitting on the ground a few steps away from her, staring out into the vast dark open space in front him, his entire posture suggesting despondence and fatigue. She had never seen him this defeated, this tired before. There was no question where the blame for his condition lay. His words were a harsh jolt of reality of the worst kind and all of a sudden, she realized how wounded and battered their relationship was, such as it was. They had completely misunderstood each other, every single word, every single action had been misconstrued. Her customary reactions were so entrenched in his being that he could not comprehend that she had not been alienated by the kiss. And she was as yet incapable of seeing the world around her without the tint of guilt and self loathing. Elizabeth’s heart screamed at the sight of a defeated Darcy and she could not bear to see him suffer any more. She walked slowly to his side and sat down next to him. He looked at her, his eyes betraying no emotion, his entire visage uncharacteristically apathetic. It was almost as though he was too exhausted to express any more emotions, the cumulative effect of months of anguish and doubts. She leaned her head against his shoulders and slowly reached out to hold his hands. He flinched slightly at this contact, but said nothing, allowing her to rest on his shoulders. They sat there silently for a few moments, relishing in the sounds of the rustling leaves and their rhythmic breathing. Elizabeth felt a sense of comfort and safety engulf her; she could never feel as safe in any other place.

"I promise you, I will never let go," Elizabeth said softly, raising her head to look at him.

Darcy gently pressed her fingers, but said nothing.

"I love you, William."

"I cannot lose you," Darcy repeated, as if in a trance.

"William, look at me," she ordered him, and he obliged. "I promise that I will never let go. I am here by your side and I need you to remain by mine. I need to conquer my demons and I need you to help me, William. I cannot battle myself alone. I am tired of battling alone." She paused. "You will never lose me again."

"You promise?"

Elizabeth nodded. "I only make promises I can keep."

An ephemeral smile crossed his face. "I am scared for this moment to end."

"As am I," Elizabeth agreed. "I am sorry."

"I told you to never apologize to me," Darcy sighed.

"No, you cannot demand that of me," Elizabeth said. "Ask of me anything else, but not that. I need you to listen to me now. Can you do that?" Darcy nodded hesitatingly, so she continued, "I am sorry for everything that has transpired, for everything I have said, for everything I omitted to say, for every word or look that might have wounded you. I am sorry that you have suffered for so long in silence without a word of reproach or a hint of a demand. I am sorry that I am not more worthy of your love. More than anything else, I am sorry to see you in this state today." She choked back tears. "William, mostly I am sorry that I do not deserve you and that you fell in love with-… with someone like me."

"Elizabeth, no," Darcy interrupted her. "Never apologize for that. You cannot abuse my love like that, you cannot diminish our love like that." The strength of his words and determination of his tone indicated to her that he had recovered some of his aplomb.

"I just cannot see you like this," she said. "You are my rock, I cannot see you crumble. How am I expected to be strong if I witness you so defeated? How am I expected to learn to be happy when I know I have caused you so much pain?"

"You cannot save me from pain, Elizabeth. As long as I have the capacity to feel love, I will also feel pain. That is the nature of love, you must know that."

"I suppose I do. I just-… I have never witnessed you with such lack of control before."

"I confess I lost all control of my senses, my emotions, indeed my capacity to form words. I was certain that I had managed to scare you away. I know how delicate your mental state is and I could not bear to think that I had disturbed the equilibrium we have so painstakingly established over so many months. A small disturbance to the equilibrium is acceptable, anything greater than that could damage all the progress we have made thus far. With those thoughts in my head, I…" He searched for words to describe his state of panic and chaos, but could not. "It is difficult to explain, but suffice it to say that I assumed the worst and could not allow myself to imagine the possibility of losing you again."

"You will not lose me again."

"I could not survive that, Elizabeth."

"You will not have to, I promise."

"Only make promises you can keep," Darcy said with a small smile.

"I deserve that reproach, I suppose." Elizabeth smiled in return. "My feelings on this subject have been altering so gradually that I hardly know when I began entertaining the possibility of a future for myself. That day, the day I fainted, I told you that I needed to vanquish my shadows before I could be anything but poison to you, do you remember that?"

He nodded. "How could I forget? It taught me to hope as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I had always believed that all would be as it should, but that day, I really began to believe in the strength of my convictions."

"Well, all of that is still true. There are a lot of shadows that I need to conquer and I think, we have both discovered that you have plenty of demons of your own." This statement earned a smiling nod from Darcy. "I suppose what I am saying is that I cannot do it alone, William, I discovered that tonight. I need you, I need your help, I need your strength, I need your determination. I need you to remind me why I deserve to be happy…" Uttering those words was painful for her. "Do you think I deserve to be happy?"

"Everyone deserves to be happy."

"Well, Victor certainly did," she said, "but as for me, I cannot be quite as certain."

They were treading on dangerous ground and they were both keenly aware of it. Darcy stroked her hand. "I am here, Elizabeth, I am here to help you see why you not only deserve to be happy, but also deserve to forget the past, as much the past can be forgotten."

"Think only of the past only as its remembrance gives you pleasure?"

Darcy nodded. "I am glad you still remember some of your philosophy."

"Fragments of my former self escape when I allow myself that luxury." She paused for a moment. "There is much for us to conquer, is there not?"

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Will you have the patience to wait, William?"

"I will wait for you for more than a lifetime, Elizabeth." He smiled at her tenderly. "All I need from you is a promise to never let me go again, to never banish me from your life again, to let me save you from your demons."

"You have already saved me."

"No… not when you really needed me to." I let Victor do what should have been my duty.

"I did not allow you to."

"I should have been more obstinate."

"I believe I will always win that battle, Mr. Darcy."

"Is that a challenge, Miss Bennet?"

"Yes, indeed."

"Time shall be the judge."

"So it shall."

"Elizabeth?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to know… I had not planned on any of this. I just wanted you to see the stars with me."

She detected a hint of panic in his voice. "Are you scared?"

"Perhaps a little." Will you change your mind in the morning?

"So am I."

"You know that we have all the time in the world to - ... decide… well, everything."

"I know." She paused. "There is still so much I have to say. I scarcely know if I can even compose my thoughts right in this moment."

"May I make a suggestion?"

"Please."

"We have shared so many thoughts, so many emotions, so many words tonight. Perhaps we ought to reflect on all that has transpired, allow ourselves a few days to become accustomed to our newfound understanding and then we can talk again."

"About everything?"

"About everything. The past, the present, the future."

"A future without shadows."

"Yes, without shadows- I promise, Elizabeth."

To Elizabeth's surprise, she whole-heartedly believed him or at least, knew that she wanted to. "I love you, William."

"I love you, Elizabeth."

"I don't want this night to end," Elizabeth murmured, resting her head on his shoulders once again. "Can we stay here a little while longer?"

"We can stay here as long as you wish, my dearest."

Elizabeth closed her eyes and allowed herself to be lost in the safety of his presence. She waited for a feeling of panic and doubt creep into her thoughts, but such feelings were lost on her tonight. Instead she just felt the overwhelming burden of exhaustion, almost as though she had been tense for so long that she had not even allowed herself the luxury to realize just how tired she was, both mentally and physically. She felt months of tension exit her body in a heavy sigh, leaving her with a feeling of empty calmness. She could hear him breathing next to her, quietly, consistently, deliberately. It was a safe sound, the sound of constancy, the sound of freedom. Freedom from the shackles of the past, from the presuppositions of the future, from the confines of their particular experiences. As long as she could hear him breathing thus next to her, all would be as it should. Of that much, she was certain, if nothing else. Elizabeth opened her eyes to look at the stars again. She located her grandpapa’s star, next to Orion, and smiled to herself. He was watching over her; she could feel his presence. I still do not need to make a wish, grandpapa. This moment is still too perfect. More perfect than I deserve. She wondered if Victor was watching them at that moment, and if so, what he might be thinking. She found herself closing her eyes to escape those thoughts, but could not escape the pangs of guilt that attacked her. I am trying, Victor, truly I am. I just need some time… She needed time to embrace the life that she knew Darcy was leading her to, an uncomplicated existence, an existence without guilt, without villains, without victims. A future without shadows.

"Elizabeth? Are you awake?" Anne peaked her head inside Elizabeth’s chamber and saw that she was sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, staring at nothingness. "Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth did not move. "Good morning, Anne."

"Are you alright?" Anne asked. Elizabeth nodded distractedly. "Will you come down for breakfast?"

"I do not think I have the appetite."

Anne sat down on the bed next to her. "Are you quite certain you are alright?"

"I have no idea."

"Did something happen last night?"

Elizabeth looked at her with a small smile. "What do you know about last night? I thought you were reformed?"

"I am," Anne smiled. "It was just that Darce was so desperate to spend some time with you and well, he was so excited about those falling stars. And I know how much you enjoy looking at the stars and the night sky, so I thought that you would enjoy it as well. That is why I suggested that he show you the skies. That is all..." Anne paused. "Did you enjoy the view?"

Elizabeth breathed sharply. "It was beautiful."

Anne suppressed the desire to accost her with questions. "I am glad you enjoyed it."

"Is that all you want to know about last night?"

Anne smiled. "You know me much too well to believe that. But I am determined to satisfy myself with whatever you choose to share with me."

"I find that extraordinarily difficult to believe."

"Elizabeth, you can choose to believe what you wish, but I believe my actions speak for themselves."

Elizabeth smiled. "Anne…?"

"Yes?"

"Do you believe in soul mates?"

"Have you been reading Plato?" Anne was surprised by the question.

"Not recently," Elizabeth said. "Answer my question, Anne."

"I am not sure. I find it difficult to believe that every human being has a perfect complement. That concept seems so archaic, believing in a soul mate suggests you cannot be a complete human being on your own. And I am not sure I could condone such a belief." Anne paused. "Why do you ask?"

"I am simply curious, I suppose. I was trying to determine my feelings on the subject and cannot say that I have come to a final conclusion."

"Do you know to what conclusion your feelings might be inclined?"

"No, I can honestly say I have never been more confused about any other subject. I have never believed in the concept of soul mates, but I woke up this morning and suddenly I felt as though I could not, in good conscience, continue to hold those beliefs without at least giving it some additional thought. If there are no soul mates, Anne, then how can I explain him?"

"You think Darce is your soul mate?" Anne could not prevent the amazement from creeping into her voice.

"Perhaps."

"Elizabeth, what exactly happened last night?"

"I… oh Anne, I cannot even begin to form coherent sentences to describe it."

"We don’t have to discuss it, if it distresses you," Anne managed to say, quelling the screaming voice in her head that ordered her to extract every last detail possible regarding the possible triumph of Operation Love.

"Anne, would you have me reiterate yet again that when I asked you to stop interfering, I did not ask you to stop being my friend? I need you to ask me questions and listen to me and scold me when I am being daft."

Anne laughed. "Well, you know very well I cannot disappoint in that regard, my dear. I just… I was just trying to be a good friend and do what you asked me to do, or not do, as was the case. Your friendship means a lot to me, Elizabeth, you know that. I really cannot even begin to entertain the idea that I might lose you and that is exactly what I feared when I realized I was badgering you too much." Anne paused. "You know, it is really not my fault that you change your mind every single day."

"Point well taken." Elizabeth smiled.

"So…" Anne redirected the conversation to the more interesting subject at hand. "Please spare me no details, I am positively dying of curiosity."

"That sounds a lot more familiar." Elizabeth cleared her throat. "He is just so infuriatingly perfect, Anne. I just cannot even begin to think of a single flaw."

"That is too generous, by far. He broods all the time, has absolutely not the faintest clue how to behave in a civilized manner amongst new acquaintances and I dare say, he can be a little haughty when he is displeased about being forced to engage in activities that are not to his liking… I think, dancing, most notably."

"Thank you, Anne," Elizabeth laughed, "that is quite enough. In my eyes, he is perfect. He is the sort of man you only find once in a lifetime, Anne. And I do believe he is my soul mate, and even if there are no soul mates, he is the closest I will ever come to perfection. And that is why I told him I loved him."

"You what??!?"

"I told him I loved him and then…" Elizabeth paused. "And then, we kissed."

Anne jumped out of bed, spun around twice and then hugged Elizabeth. "I cannot say that I know what to say."

"Are you shocked?"

"More than anything. I did not know you were ready for that step."

"Nor I," Elizabeth sighed.

"How do you feel?"

"I cannot describe it." Elizabeth paused, a smile creeping on to her face. "I feel giddy and buoyant and jubilant and scared…I suppose I am just confused. Everything is so new, you know, so uncertain. What does it all mean? What have I done? Is it right or am I making a horrible mistake? Only time can answer these questions. All I know is that there is only one thing I am certain of and that is that I love him." She beamed. "I love him, Anne, I love him. I cannot stop myself from saying it over and over again. Once I said it out loud to him, I could not stop. It is so liberating, so heartening. I feel like a bird that has just discovered its wings. I cannot stop smiling, Anne. I feel as though I am flying."

Anne grinned. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear you speak in this way. I can see the change, Elizabeth, I can see it in your eyes, the way they are lit up right now – they are dancing with amusement and joy. These are the eyes of the Elizabeth I knew, the Elizabeth that was full of life, the Elizabeth that laughed and enjoyed every single moment, my friend Elizabeth. I am so happy to have you returned to me unharmed. You have been making marked improvements, but now the end is near – I can see it so clearly."

"You scare me, Anne," Elizabeth shuddered. "When you utter such words, you scare me. It is not over yet and before we celebrate, you must keep in mind that it could all go wrong, terribly, terribly wrong."

"What is it that you are so afraid of?"

"Being happy."

"He loves you more than anything else in the world. Nothing can go wrong."

"Anne, don’t," Elizabeth shook her head. "Please refrain from saying things like that. As I said before, it scares me. So much can go wrong. I cannot bear to look into the future. If I try, I do not even know what to envision. What should I see, Anne? Should I see myself sitting by his side, as his wife, in the parlor at Pemberley? I cannot allow myself to dream of such a thing for then, everything would be too perfect. And after all these months of hell, perfection is a little too much to absorb."

"I understand." Anne pressed Elizabeth’s hands.

"The unsavory elements of life are so much easier to believe, are they not?"

"Indeed, they are," Anne nodded.

"Am I on the verge of being happy, Anne?"

Anne laughed. "You make it sound like a ghastly, undesirable possibility."

"I know," Elizabeth smiled. "I cannot help it. I am not yet reconciled to being happy – I had long given up any hope of being so blessed. A night’s sleep without nightmares – that is all I asked for, hoped for. That is all I deserve. But a future without shadows? What have I done to deserve that?"

"Elizabeth…now, really…"

"Yes, yes, I know how this debate goes. You tell me that I am not really so evil and that I deserve every happiness in the world and I refuse to acknowledge that you might be right and we reach an impasse."

"Are we still at an impasse?" Anne asked.

Elizabeth shrugged. "I no longer know what to think."

"Do you still consider yourself responsible for Victor’s death?"

Elizabeth was silent for a moment. "No," she said finally, with a small sigh.

"That is progress," Anne declared.

"You think so?"

"I am convinced of it. Why, a few short months ago, you were ready to take the entire blame on yourself, no matter what anyone said. I believe you even called yourself a murderess at one point."

"I have not acquitted myself completely, Anne…."

"Of course you have not," said Anne wryly. "That would be much too simple."

"I do not think I am to blame for his death, necessarily, although I think even you cannot deny that I played a role in the series of events that led to the tragedy. As time passes and some of the pain fades, I find myself looking at the past a little more clearly. And yes, I can never be acquitted of blame in the matter, but I did not kill Victor, Anne. I would have given my life to save his, but there was little I could do. It all happened too quickly and before I knew it, it was all over…" Her voice trailed off.

"We do not have to speak of this if it pains you, Elizabeth."

"No, it is alright. It feels good to speak of him sometimes. This way, I can be certain that he is not forgotten. I do not want to forget him, his eyes, his smile, his enthusiasm for life. He really loved life, Anne and that is what I wish to remember about him. He sacrificed so much, too much so that I could have a fair chance at happiness with another man. I think very few people would have been so generous, so completely unselfish in those circumstances." She paused. "And the least I can do is try to follow his last wishes, the least I can do is try to be happy."

"I am so proud of you. I know how difficult it is for you to come to that conclusion. I know it cannot be easy. I know, Elizabeth, I was there. I saw what you went through. And I admire you for having the strength and the courage to be here right now. I cannot honestly say that I would have been able to do it. I cannot say that I would have had the same resilience."

"Out of curiosity, what do you think you would have done?"

"Well…I do not know…but honestly I think I would not have resisted Darce. It would have been easier to run to him, to seek solace in his strength, to seek protection in his love."

"It would have been easier at the time, yes," Elizabeth agreed.

"Were you ever tempted?"

Elizabeth thought for a moment. "I suppose in a way I was. I mean, the option was always there but I never allowed myself to think of it. In my mind, it was never really an option. It’s difficult for me to even remember how I felt then and it’s harder still to describe it in words. Those emotions are not tangible – how I felt then, I cannot even describe to myself, let alone someone else." She paused. "It was as though I was drowning in a world of darkness. There was no future, no tomorrow, no light to save me. There was no happiness, not even anger. The most challenging struggle was simple existence. So you can imagine that I was not willing to let anyone else into my world. But now…now, I feel that it is possible that I have survived."

"No," Anne shook her head. "Do not say that you have survived, Elizabeth because you have done so much more than that – you have triumphed. Survival is passive, survival means that you continue to exist. But you, you are alive and that is a much greater accomplishment. Too many people do not appreciate what it means to be alive. To live is to prevail – to think, to breathe, to believe, to achieve, to create, to produce. To be alive, that is the greatest privilege. I do not understand how life can be passive, how being alive can be negative. You, Elizabeth, will never just exist, you have too much passion for that. You will always be alive in the fullest sense of the word and that is why you have triumphed."

Elizabeth smiled at her friend’s eloquence. "Thank you." She paused, then looked her friend straight in the eye. "I appreciate your confidence in me, it means a lot to me to hear you say that. You are a wonderful friend, Anne, you know that, I hope? Whatever I might have said in a fit of anger does not alter the fact that you are a great friend and an inspiring human being and we all love you for it."

Anne colored slightly. "You cannot keep complimenting me. I dare say, I am much more accustomed to being abused."

Elizabeth smiled. "Anne… Do you think this can work?"

Anne was taken aback. "Why would it not?"

"There are so many reasons…do you have all day? I just shared the wonderful moments of last night with you. What I neglected to share was all the doubts, all the pain, all the uncertainty. And I assure, those emotions were not just my own. I have damaged him as thoroughly as I have damaged myself. So, yes, Anne, there are a great many reasons why it would not work."

"It can and it will work," said Anne decidedly.

"That certain of it, are you?"

"Yes, I am," nodded Anne. "There are few other things I believe in so fervently."

Elizabeth took in a deep breath. "I wish I could have your conviction."

"All will be as it should, Elizabeth."

Elizabeth smiled at having her own words repeated to her. "Yes, yes it will."

"So is this the end of Operation Love?"

"I certainly hope so," Anne smiled at her husband.

"Are we close to victory?"

"I imagine so…wait a moment, we? So you are including yourself in this mission now?"

Richard laughed. "Well, my dear, I have been a participant in several of your ploys, have I not?"

"Yes, you have, I cannot deny that," Anne smiled as Richard sat down on the bed next to her. "A willing participant, I might add. But you were not always a believer."

"True, but you can be quite convincing, you know. Now," Richard took her hand and kissed it softly, "I am a believer."

Anne giggled like a little girl. "Well, it’s not quite over yet."

"How is Elizabeth? She was rather quiet at dinner tonight."

"She is well, I think, but obviously a little distracted."

"She should be distracted, judging from what Darce told me."

Anne slapped his arm. "Richard Fitzwilliam, please wipe that cheeky grin off your face immediately."

"I cannot help it," Richard said. "It is the man in me speaking."

"So they kissed," said Anne. "That was not why she was distracted."

"But that certainly was why Darce was distracted."

Anne laughed in spite of herself. "Richard, do be serious, please."

"Yes, dear," her husband answered obediently.

Anne smiled in satisfaction. "I see that months of marriage has trained you well. I do claim victory in that regard. At any rate, how is Darce faring? I expected him to join us for dinner tonight, but Georgie sent word that they would dine at Pemberley."

"I think he needs time to breathe," said Richard, "and reflect."

"He could have done that here."

"He would have been too distracted, Anne."

"She is that good?" Anne laughed.

Richard laughed as he colored slightly. "Darce did not say."

"Good for Darce. He has some decency."

"He is a gentleman, Anne, he would never compromise a lady’s honor. He did not even want to tell me about the kiss, but I sort of unwittingly extracted the information from him."

Anne giggled. "I have taught you well. And of course, I think Darce is a gentleman. I was only teasing."

"Yes I know, my dear."

"Although I do think it was rather bold of him to kiss her." Anne rested her head on his shoulders. "I want to see them happy, Richard. I want it so much."

He stroked her hair. "It will happen soon. I am convinced it will. It is only a matter of time now."

"I know, it is just that everything is so complicated where they are concerned. The future is so complicated for them. A life without shadows, Elizabeth calls it. How ominous does that sound?"

"Positively unappetizing."

"I know. Not exactly inspiring, I would say. But I think that goal is one that they are mutually inspired to achieve, so I shall consider it a triumph for now. With two such obstinate individuals at hand, I think it is the best outcome for both of them."

"I must agree."

"Would you tell me if you disagreed?"

Richard laughed. "Of course I would. I like nothing better than to rattle you."

Anne smiled. "Yes, you have always been a master at that. So… I understand they are to take some time to reflect and then talk about ‘everything,’ in Elizabeth’s words."

"I gathered as much from Darce, but he was not exactly forthcoming as to the particulars."

"Elizabeth said he was in quite a state that night. Did he seem recovered at all?"

"Not really, no. He was brooding more than normal and barely spoke unless pressed. He was not himself at all."

"Do you think he will be alright?"

"Yes, after this rendezvous with Elizabeth, I am certain he will be alright."

"And all will be as it should." Anne repeated the phrase that had become the mantra of Operation Love.

"And all will be as it should," Richard repeated in acquiescence.