It was a warm, bright day in the land of Austen, and all the Austen characters were as happy or as miserable as the ending of the books allowed. Knightley watched over his strawberries with the tenderest of care, while Emma plotted a marriage for the new clergyman and the gardener's daughter.
Mr. Darcy splashed in his lake while Mrs. Darcy stood at the side and drooled over the sight of her soaking husband. Lydia snorted along with the pigs that ran along the lane outside her and Wickham's home. And Mrs. Bennet was suffering from such tremblings and flutterings that the entire populace of Longbourn now wore earplugs to block out at least some of the screeching.
Poor Colonel Fitzwilliam was back with the Militia... by himself...no wife...no fiancée...no one to love and cuddle him, but never fear Hotpants, we Dwiggies adore you! Tabbi waggles eyebrows... "Dang straight Studmuffin...I'll be glad to cuddle you, anytime, anywhere!!!" puddle of drool forming at Tabbi's feet.
Marianne skipped along the halls merrily, looking for her husband. Little did she know that he was hiding from her...She just couldn't seem to get enough of him, and he needed a rest. Mr. and Mrs. Ferrars stared into the fire of their parish, sipping on their tea, and enjoying the solitude.
Catherine Tilney was snooping around the halls of the parish looking for anything that seemed out of the ordinary. Who knew when one might come across a letter just lying about the floor, overlooked from centuries before? Henry Tilney was at the other end of the house, cupping his hands to his mouth and making howling and rattling noises, trying to scare his wife. He always enjoyed it when she came to him for comfort. He waggled his eyebrows to the audience as Catherine came flying into his embrace.
Captain Wentworth and Ann...*Tabbi shrieks and closes the door quickly, then turns to look at the audience* "UH...we'll just leave them alone for a while."
Nobody really cared about what Edmund was doing, cause he's just a wuss and has no relevance in this story whatsoever. So...Let's move on, shall we? Henry Crawford, although finding another woman as liberal as he, was not nearly as happy as he could have been with Fanny. Many sighs and moaning from the Crawfordite section, while the Bertramites laughed in mean spiritedness. Tabbi glared at the Bertramites...aawww leave the man alone! "At least he isn't as boring as a log! How can you people like EDMUND? Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww THAT IS JUST WRRRRRRROOOOOOOONNNG!!!"
Anyway, before more insults are thrown and a huge fight ensues, let's continue with our little story...okey day! GOOD!
A small conference hall, somewhere in America, was packed to the brim with Dwiggie ladies, all talking and yelling amongst themselves. There seemed to be quite a bit of arguing at one table... "Let's zoom in here."
"Oh, yeah, well Darcy may be stuck up in the beginning but at least he changes for the better! But stupid Knightley is just as patronizing as ever, he should have hooked up with Lady Catherine! They would have made a fine couple...and just imagine the children!" Meghan cackled evilly.
Bridget gasped in horror. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK! The only reason you like Darcy is for the wet shirt and "THE LOOK". I mean, come on, what has he got...."
"Ooops, wrong conversation, let's move on..."
Carrie sat next to Coleen a little further down the table discussing some fan fiction stories and throwing out new ideas to be added. Suddenly, Carrie's eyes lit up. "HEY! What if there was a story about an Austen Harem? Only the harem would be made of the men instead of women!! Ooooooooh that would be soooo awesome! Wentworth, Tilney, Darcy, Knightley, Brandon, even Henry Crawford!"
"Hey, yeah that would be a great idea, why don't you do it?" Coleen suggested.
"Naaah, I'm already working on one story..."
Tabbi walks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. "Mind if I do it?"
"Sure Tabbi! Go ahead, can you dedicate it to me?" Carries asked.
"Of course! Now, off to the black board!" Tabbi spun around in dizzying circles, spitting and sputtering, smashed through the wall and disappeared into the night.
Coleen looked at her arm, and wrinkled her nose in disgust, "I really wish she would quit doing that. She always seems to get spittle on me."
Carrie giggled and soon they were back to discussing more Austen related topics.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Dwiggie lady in possession of a heart, must be in want of a Jane Austen hero...
General Coleen, Capt. Tabbi, Carrie, Kimmie, Tina S, Sania, Meghan, Shemmelle, Bethany, Gabby, Bridget, Caroline, and Cinthia met up under cover of night at an old warehouse. Everyone was dressed in combat gear and war paint, and Kimmie, for some reason was wearing a large afro on her head. Gen. Coleen took roll, and once everyone had their gear, they headed off to Regency England.
Another perfectly wonderful day in the perfect land of Austen, was now almost to the perfect end. The sun streaked the velvet sky with a bright orange hue as it sunk below the horizon. All of our beloved characters were getting ready for bed, just so they could wake up to another sickeningly perfect day. Or so they thought...For a band of Dwiggie outlaws had entered their perfect world, and were about to turn it upside down.
Eleven shadows, resembling the human form snuck around the perimeter of Pemberley, looking for the best possible entrance, where they would be least likely spotted. However, the only entrance that looked somewhat promising was located right next to servants quarters and that would be impossible to get through there unnoticed. Coleen opened her backpack and took out a rope and claw. She checked the knot to make sure it was tied tight enough. Then she pulled out the blue prints so she could locate Darcy's room. Crouching low, the eleven ran around the corner of the building and looked up at a window, where they could see firelight dancing inside. General Coleen swung the claw up over the top of the window and tugged to check it's holding.
Nodding satisfactorily, she turned to her crew. "This is it ladies... Get in, grab the goods, then get out. We have three minutes to do. Carrie, Bethany, this is your baby...do it good, do it quick! Everyone synchronize watches....and go go go!"
Everyone ran around doing their scheduled tasks as Carrie and Bethany shimmied up the rope to Darcy's room. Peaking in, they noticed he was alone and asleep. They had been afraid Lizzy would be with him, and so had brought Ether to use on her should she awaken. They slowly lifted up the window and climbed in silently, their combat boots surprisingly quiet on the floor. Wetting a square cloth with ether, Carrie placed it over Darcy's nose and mouth as Bethany held him down. A mumbled groan came out and his arms flailed for a moment before the ether took affect and he lay unconscious.
They quickly went to work bundling him up in a grain sack to keep his limbs protected as they lowered him out slowly with ropes. Below, Meghan and Kimmie caught him, and lowered him to the ground. Caroline and Shemmelle ran over to help carry him off to the carriage that was hidden under a copse of trees. Captain Tabbi took off slowly and quietly so as not to rouse anyone, then once they hit the end of the lane, they all began laughing in triumph. One man down, ten to go...
The ladies went from one estate to another, kidnapping one gentleman after another with such easy success you would almost think they did this for a living. Hmmmmm...
Wentworth was not so easily removed from Anne, he fought valiantly but the strength and determination of twelve Dwiggie ladies cannot be overcome. Henry Crawford was an easy catch. He had been walking out late at night, doing what all good rakes do, when a carriage of twelve beautiful ladies pulled up and offered him a ride. Being the cad that he is, he immediately agreed and thus sealed his fate. Bingley...poor clueless Bingley obviously thought it was some kind of joke and had immense fun the entire trip. Mr. Palmer was secretly amused and held a cynical conversation with Carrie about the "joys" of marriage. Knightley bemoaned his strawberries and worried for his poor Emma, she might turn into a spoiled brat while he was gone and all his good work will have been in vain. Colonel Hotloins sat forlorn in one corner of the carriage, resigned to Fate. No matter what he did, he could not escape, so he figured he might as well go with it. Besides, when he was cooperative, the Dwiggies took very good care of him. Tilney, always full of good humor and witty remarks, entertained the ladies and commented on their clothing. Colonel Brandon muttered something about Willhouby, a candlestick, and inbreeding, but no one bothered to question him further. William Price looked around with shock, completely unused to the insanity of Dwiggies. He was after all, very often overlooked, but not altogether unnoticed.
All in all, it was a very successful and tiring night for the ladies, and the gentlemen too. A few of the captives spent the entire time brooding (Darcy and Wentworth) but that only magnified the lustful glances tossed their way. The rest of the men, talked and laughed with the women during the entire journey to "Dwiggie Delights", an abandoned warehouse redesigned into a harem.
Thirteen miles and a time warp later...
Pulling up to the building, Tabbi jumped down from the barouche and opened the side of the carriage. Eleven gentlemen were smushed under eleven ladies, but the ladies certainly didn't mind. I really don't think Crawford did either, he had two on his lap and looked quite content in his position. The only man without someone on his lap was Darcy, who was glaring angrily at Tabbi.
Tabbi just grinned and grabbed his hand. "Come on Darcy, love. You'll be happy here, I promise." Winking at Colonel Fitzwilliam, she said, "You too, Hotloins. Now come on ladies, let's get them settled in for the night, and tomorrow "Dwiggie Delights" will be open for business."
The ladies led the gentlemen into the building, where Tabbi dug through her desk drawer and pulled out some odd looking devices. The gentlemen eyed her warily, and she waggled her eyebrows. "Time to brand the gentlemen, my girls." With that she locked a metal detector brace around each man's ankles. Then they were led into the back room to await the "branding".
Tabbi sat at her desk, going through papers and contracts, making sure all was in order before she officially opened the business. She had just been reading through a particular document when she heard screaming coming from the back room. Jumping up, she ran as fast as she could to see what was happening. The sight that greeted her was the most horrid thing she had ever seen. Colonel Fitzwilliam was on his knees bent over the couch and Carrie was standing over him with a branding iron.
She grinned wickedly and said, "This might hurt just a bit, Fitzy dear."
Shrieking madly, Tabbi dashed across the room and grabbed the iron. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?"
Shocked, Carrie stuttered, "B...B...branding them like you said."
"GAAAAAAAAH! Not BRANDING branding, I meant like tattoos or something! For crying out loud!" Tabbi threw down the hot iron and went to rescue her Studmuffin. She led the now traumatized Colonel out of the room, speaking in soothing tones. Turning back to Carrie, she said, "See to the others, we'll get them branded tomorrow. Let's just all get some sleep for now."
"Well, SLAP MAH FRO," Kimmie muttered, grabbed Darcy and led him to his room.
The other ladies and gentleman followed behind, and soon, everyone was settled for the night. The ladies, however, returned home, anxiously waiting tomorrow.
Putting on a mask of indifference(which was crafted by Gabby) Tabbi asked, "May I help you, sir?"
"Ah, yes." He oozed further into the room. "I have been informed of this new place of business by my Noble Patroness, the Right Honourable Lady Catherine DeBourgh and she advised me to take a part in it. For she is always concerned about the livelihood of all beneath her. She sent me here to scold you all into happiness and abundance, and with such affability as rarely seen in today's world. I am sure you will find me quite helpful, for as a clergyman I find it my duty to...blah blah blah..." Tabbi's eyes glazed over as he rambled on, gasping for air and wiping his flushed face often. "...and so it is with humbleness that I place myself before you in askance of employment in which to help you in your endeavor."
It was a full five minutes before Tabbi was capable of answering, since her brain had quite literally shut down during the long winded speech. "Um, well do you have a resume?"
"Oh yes of course, my Noble Patroness was kind enough to help me..."
"Yes, yes. Give it here." Tabbi demanded. She scanned it quickly, and her eyes widened in shock. "You worked at HOOTERS?????????"
The blob smiled stupidly. "Yes, my Noble Patroness Lady Catherine DeBourgh sent me there to work with her best wishes. Although they did dress rather...scantily, Lady Catherine DeBourgh said it was my duty to help them see the errors of their ways. She told me to assist those young ladies in finding husbands. I worked diligently to ensure that my Noble Patroness's wishes were fulfilled. There was not one lady there that did not have a gentlemen by the end of the night. . I worked as a "stock boy" and I think, I flatter myself, that I did a superb job. Somebody there must have confused me for someone else, because I kept hearing myself referred to as "Pimp" but I know of no such gentleman."
Tabbi choked back her laughter, and began to reply when a screech came from behind her. There stood all the other Dwiggie ladies, staring in horror at the blob. Cinthia, was holding the branding iron from the previous night, and charged after him as the rest followed. Collins oozed as fast as he could, but it was not quick enough. The ladies converged on him and began abusing him vilely. Tiki gave him a swift kick to the butt, sending him flying into a mud puddle, laughing victoriously.
Everyone nodded satisfactorily and headed back into the building, leaving a confused, muddy, and bruised Collins on the ground. Another young man dressed in a clerical uniform approached cautiously after just witnessing such a display of violence.
"I say, are you quite all right chap?" Edmund Bertram helped Collins stand. The toad stood up, dripping mud, face flushed, and choking for air. His face was twisted in a grotesque shape as he tried to form an answer but never before had he been so ill treated. He would have to inform his Honourable Patroness about the abuse he has suffered at the hands of Dwiggiess.
Gulping loudly, he proclaimed, "Yes I am quite alright. However, my good sir, I suggest you turn and walk away from this madhouse, for it is a place of evil. I am here by the order of my Noble Patroness, the Right Honourable Lady Catherine DeBourgh, to help these women see the light. To..."
"Yes, man ok. I have come here to seek employment. A young lady by the name of Sania said I was in desperate need here. She is such a kind, sweet creature, reminds me of my lovely Fanny, I could not turn her down. Perhaps I will have some better luck." With that, Edmund started toward the entrance of "Dwiggie Delights"
Collins bowed and scraped, "Yes, sir I wish you the best of luck, and I shall return after talking to my Noble Patroness...blah blah blah..."
His voice faded away as the door closed behind Edmund. He looked around the room appreciatively, noting how well kept up it looked. He advanced toward the desk where a young lady sat, brows furrowed while talking to someone on the phone. She had glanced up as he entered and a dark look crossed her face, then she returned to her caller.
"Yeah, yeah. O.......K!!!! Yes, uh huh, but....no ..aaarrrrgggggh. Look mom I really have to go, I have a business to run and a customer just walked in the doorway. Uh huh..ok bye....yes. Uh huh...yeah that's ri...ok. OK I really have to go now. Talk to you later." Rolling her eyes, Tabbi glanced at Edmund Bertram and glared. "What is this? The Clerical Connection or something? What do you want?"
Shocked as such rude behavior, Edmund stuttered. "Uh...I was told to come here by a girl named Sania. She said you needed my help..."
A shriek came from behind Tabbi once again. She turned to glare at the person only to see Sania flying across the room straight into Edmund's arms. "Oh Edmund! You made it! I'm so happy you have come, this just wouldn't have been right without you!"
Tabbi wrinkled her nose in disgust and eyed Sania as if she were nuts. "Um, Sania, what is going on?"
"Well, you have everyone here but Edmund. So I sent him word that we needed him. So he is going to be part of the Harem also." Sania said stubbornly.
Tabbi grinned, "Oh no he's not. We don't have any more rooms here for him. Sorry Eddie boy, you'll just have to go bye bye."
Sania glared at Tabbi. "Come on Tabbi, why can't he stay?"
"Cause I don't want any high handed preaching's going on around here. At least Ferrars is sweet, and Tilney is funny, so they have something to add around here. Edmund is just a lump of jell-o. He's a wuss, and wusses don't belong in a harem."
Sania gave Tabbi a pathetic look. "Aw, come on Tabbi, he came all this way. Can't he please be part of it? Pleeeeeeaaaaaaase? Peas and Carrots?"
Tabbi sighed, she really couldn't ignore pleas(Or please or peas) from her fellow Dwiggies so she had to let him stay. "Alright, alright, but he can't be part of the Harem itself, I don't have anymore rooms, nor tracking devices. So he'll just have to be servant. Welcome aboard Eddie boy."
Sania squealed with delight, thanking Tabbi profusely, then hugged Edmund and babbled happily. Edmund's eyes rounded in shock as he wondered exactly what he has gotten himself into.
Tabbi entered the room with a huge grin on her face, followed by Sania and Edmund. The entire room fell silent as they watched Boring Bertram make his way across the room with an all too gushy Sania hanging from his arm like a chimpanzee. Tabbi made her way to the center of the room, glancing at all her fellow Dwiggies who now had looks of horror on their faces. Edmund eyed them all with trepidition, not liking the looks he was receiving.
"Ahem...Welcome gentlemen, to your new home. We have brought you here for our own selfish reasons, that of pleasure and entertainment. We have all admired, respected, and loved each and every one of you...even you Crawford baby, rake that you are!" Tabbi smiled charmingly, and Henry winked back. "You too Hotloins, my sweet!"
After blowing a kiss to FitzyPie, Tabbi continued, "Now, the bands on your legs are homing devices used to keep track of where you are. The alarm is sounded whenever you try to exit our doors, or if you happen to climb out a window, it will activate once you get twenty feet away. However, it won't do you much good to get out, since the entire place is surrounded by ten foot high electric fence with barbed wire at the top, except the very front of the building, which has guards at either side of the gate. There are also towers located around the perimeter with the best snipers keeping watch. Should you try to escape, they will shoot. Now since we don't want to harm any of you, they do not have bullets. Instead they are armed with tranquilizers...so if you try to escape you will be tranquilized, then brought back inside. You will be punished for any attempts at escape. There are different levels of punishment, your first offense will merely get you an hour with the screechings of Mrs. Bennet, Lydia Bennet, and Mrs. Bates, along with the cackling of Caroline Bingley. Even you Knightley, will not be able to bear this type of torment. The next offense will be watching reruns of Brittney Spears and Christina Aguilera videos for a twenty-four hour period, followed by the sermons of William Collins, whom I have hired for that distinct purpose. And who knows how long that windbag can go."
Groans were heard throughout the Dwiggie ladies and a glance toward Darcy showed him becoming slightly pale. Tabbi snickered, "Third punishment will be listening to Mary Bennet playing piano and singing solo for 72 hours straight. Should you start falling asleep you will be kept awake by Lady Catherine, dressed as a dominatrix, and cracking you with a whip. Now fourth, and the worse, I simply call "The Box" and knowing what the three previous punishments are, I will not go into detail about this one. However, I would suggest none of you induce this gross penalty upon yourselves." Noticing the horrified looks on some of the men's faces, Tabbi grinned suddenly. "Now you have each been assigned to your rooms, and you will be expected to keep them tidy. If you are in need of anything, pull the cord in your room, it will ring down here in the office and notify us that you need something. Bertram here will be our maid slash housekeeper, so he will see to your needs in that area."
Sania glared at Tabbi angrily, but kept quiet...for now. "He will also be our errand boy, should you need something from the store, or a midnight snack, etc. He is free to come and go as he pleases, however, should you send him for help to escape I shall know right away. I have installed a chip into his brain that picks up every conversation that he has. So, now that I have explained all this are there any questions?"
Darcy glared at Tabbi, "Yeah, are we ever going home? And what exactly is your definition of "entertainment"?"
Tabbi smiled slyly. "As for going home...well, we'll cross the bridge when we get to it. And, we all have different definitions of the word entertainment, but I assure it will be nothing you are uncomfortable with. Even though you are our property now, you do have rights. Which brings to mind another rule...You each get every other weekend off to do as you like, within limits. You may even leave the Harem, however you will be escorted by two Dwiggies who are armed with cattle prods!"
Surprised gasps, and choking was heard amongst the men, while the women smiled gleefully. Knightley raised wailed, "How am I going to explain this to my wife?"
Bridget patted his hand tenderly, "Don't you worry, love. We'll take care of everything."
Knightley looked at her doubtful, then said, "Why should I trust you? You dumped me for Wentworth!"
Bridget gasped, "But...but...that was just a phase! I love you George!" she threw her arms around him and sobbed pathetically. Brandon glared at Knightley, as he hated seeing women cry. Knightley smiled sheepishly and whispered words of comfort to the crying Bridget.
"Alright then, since there are no more questions..." Tabbi began.
"Wait! I have waited eight years to be back with my Anne! And now you separate me from her? I will not stand for this! I want to go home to my wife!" Wentworth yelled angrily and stood up. Knightley, Darcy, and Brandon all stood up in protest also. Colonel Fitzwilliam just sat in silence as the screaming escalated by the other men.
Bingley tried interrupting, "I think..." He was cut off by more shouting.
Tabbi grinned happily. She loved seeing men with passion and fire, and these four certainly were. Crawford watched the entire scene with a grin on his face. He certainly didn't mind. He loved the women and would enjoy his stay immensely, and maybe he would get to pummel that Bertram fellow for stealing his beloved Fanny. Grinning evilly, he thought to himself. Ah, yes, this is going to be interesting!
"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! GENTLEMEN PLEASE! QUIET DOWN!" Tabbi yelled over the indignant roaring of said men. "We're doing this all on a merit system. If you cooperate, you earn points, and once you hit 5,000 points, you are set free to go back home. We will not be able to attempt capturing you again for another two years. Now, Shemmelle is handing out the booklets that explain the point system so you will all know where you stand. You all have a board inside your room to keep track of your points, as we have down in my own personal files. Should any of you wish to stay however, I have a contract in my office that you may sign and remain here at the Harem for as long as you wish, with free leave to do as you please. However, this benefit will not be available for a few month, until I know who I can trust. Now, I have more business to attend to, so good day gentlemen, and enjoy your stay at Dwiggie Delights!"
Tabbi left the room as arguments broke out amongst the gentlemen. They were damned if they would follow these rules. They wanted to be back home with their wives and family, not at the mercy of 20th century Dwiggie lunacy.
Carrie and Coleen stood up as the hollering continued, holding odd looking devices in their hands. "Ok that is enough! Ya'll are here so you might as well enjoy it! If you don't behave, we have permission to use these stunners on you! Now the rules here are more than fair, and you'll all have your chance to go back home. Letters have been dispatched to your wives explaining your disappearance, so all will be well. Now, then, It's time for the Grand Tour. So, if ya'll follow me, I'll show you around your new home."
And thus, we begin the first day of "Dwiggie Delights"!