Cat's in the Night
Posted on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 1 : 11 a.m.
Lizzy stared at herself in the mirror, twisting her hair every which way as the light from the fire cast shadows across her face. The firelight danced on her hair and created a sparkle in her eyes as she stood up and walked towards the flames. She poked at the fire to keep it going, slipped into bed and gazed around her room. This is the last night she would spend in this room. Tomorrow she would become Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley, the happiest woman in all of England.
She sighed in content and closed her eyes, her last thoughts centered on Darcy as she drifted into slumber.
"LIZZY!" a voice screeched, piercing Elizabeth's peaceful rest. "LIZZY! GET UP CHILD! Oh, my poor nerves! It is your wedding day and here you are laying about! HILL! OH HILL!" A flustered Mrs. Bennet ran around the house frantically shrieking at the top of her lungs for a maid.
Lizzy opened her eyes and sat up in bed, stretching slowly. It seemed only moments ago that she had closed her eyes. She must have had a very peaceful rest, she did not even remember dreaming. Standing up she walked over to the washbasin and splashed her face with cool water, waking her up fully. Rolling her eyes at her mother still screaming through out the halls, she put on a robe and went to Jane's room. After knocking and hearing a soft "come in" Elizabeth entered her sister's room and smiled happily.
"Jane! We are to be married today to the most handsome, agreeable men in all of England! In the whole world I dare say!" Elizabeth said happily.
Smiling widely, almost cracking her face in the process, Jane replied. "Oh, I can hardly believe it Lizzy! I shall be Mrs. Charles Bingley and you, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy! How grand that sounds!"
"LIZZY! Oh where has she gone off to now? There is no time to waste! Lizzy!" Jane's door was flung open by the now hysterical Mrs. Bennet. "What are you doing in here? Jane you must hurry! Come Lizzy!" With that she marched to her own room to get prepared for the wedding.
Lizzy smiled mischievously as she stood up and walked to her room.
The minister stood before the congregation, spewing forth words for the wedding ceremony. All faces in the crowd wore happy smiles, some had tears, Mrs. Bennet was practically wailing upon the arm of Mr. Bennet, who only rolled his eyes and patted his wife's arm. There was one solemn face among the crowd, that of Caroline Bingley. Here went all her hopes of becoming Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy and she blamed it all on that conniving upstart Miss Elizabeth Bennet!
Her mind whirred and buzzed, creaked and spun with ideas of breaking up the wedding before they were married so she could marry her beloved Darcy. Her reverie was interrupted by the sound of shattering glass. Gasps went up among the crowd, the minister gaped in astonishment, and the couples spun around wondering what had happened. Suddenly the doors crashed open and there stood Lady Catherine DeBourgh wearing chaps, a denim shirt, and a cowboy hat. Two pistols hugs from their holsters at either side of her hips. Her head slightly bent down so all you could see were her eyes staring up from underneath the brim of her hat. A bandana covered the bottom half of her face and her chest heaved with every breath she took.
She stomped up to the front of the church, her spurs jangling the whole way, her boots thudding heavily against the floor. Coming up to Elizabeth, she took of one satin white glove, smacked it across Lizzy's face and puffed herself up haughtily. "I hereby challenge you, Miss Eliza Bennet, to a duel!"
Gasps rose throughout the entire congregation at this scene, wondering at the odd clothing, and just what kind of duel the lady meant. Darcy looked ready to explode and tell his lovely aunt just where she could take her prune face when Elizabeth put her hand on his arm. She took set down her flowers, grabbed Darcy's hand, took of his leather glove, and smacked Lady Catherine upside the face. It left a bright red mark against her already flushed cheek.
"I accept!" With that she marched out of the church and into the yard outside the chapel. She stood there facing the entrance, awaiting the old hag with mixed emotions. She was angry that her wedding had been interrupted, annoyed that she might stain her wedding dress in what was sure to become a horrid fight, and worried that she might have to flee to America after choking the life out of the interfering, self-righteous, pretentious old crone.
Lady Catherine stepped out into the sun as an evil grin spread across her face. She stood at the top of the steps in all her misplaced superiority before regally descending the stairs. However, her method of walking proved to be a hindrance and gave her a wedgie. Knowing that it was impolite to picks one's seat in public, she stopped midway down the stairs in silent contemplation, wondering how to fix the situation. She wiggled this way and that, hoping to undo the twisted material but to no avail. With a frustrated shriek she gave up and started to stomp down the rest of the stairs. No one informed her of the banana peel on the third step. As her foot contaced the slippery peel, it went flying up in front of her and her bum arched into the air and landed with a resounding THUD on the ground. She lay their hurling cuss words left and right to whatever imbicile had carelessly thrown their garbage around.
Col. Fitzwilliam grinned secretly as he finished swallowing a banana. He then assumed a polite expression as his aunt picked herself up off the ground.
Now thoroughly angry and sore, she wiped herself off. She walked over to Miss Elizabeth Bennet and stood there, snorting and puffing for five minutes without saying a word. Lizzy arched an eyebrow as she watch Lady Catherine's mouth open and close like a fish out of water. Suddenly a rancid odor pierced Lizzy's senses and she wrinkled her nose in disgust. Taking a small plastic container out of her hangbag, she handed them to Lady Catherine.
"Tic-Tac?" she asked with wide-eyed innocence.
Lady Catherine flung the container into the air(a yell came from the vacinity of a greasy blob that stood apart from the crowd) and glared at Lizzy. "Quit stalling! It's about time you and I settled this once and for all! If I win, Darcy does not marry you, and comes back to Kent to marry my Anne!"
"And if I win?" Lizzy asked patiently.
Snorting derisively, Lady Catherine said, "AS IF! However, if you win, then Darcy is free to marry you...and I shall approve of the match. Deal?"
Lizzy spit into her palm, grabbed Lady Catherine's hand and shook it. "Deal!"
Looking down at her hand, Lady Catherine was immobilized by the blatant display of unlady-like behavior. "Young lady, do you know who I am? That was a most disgusting display of vulgarity and I shall not have you marry my nephew..."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever! Can we just get this show on the road?" Lizzy said in exasperation. "Now what are we using for weapons?"
Lady Catherine patted her guns affectionately. "Well I don't know what you are using, but these are my choice!"
"Hmm very well, then. I don't have any guns so I shall have to find something else." She tapped her finger against her lips, then snapped her fingers as she thought of something. She ran down the lane to the 24-hour convenience store, purchased a few items and ran back in less than five minutes.
Caroline Bingley snickered at this. "Well me must allow her to be an excellent runner!" Mrs. Hurst joined her in an odd hyena barking type of laughter.
Everyone stared at them in wonder. Finally noticing the attention being paid to them, the became silent and stuck their noses in the air, which gave them nosebleeds. The excused themselves to go to the little girls room.
Lizzy stood facing Lady Catherine. "OK, we start back to back, take five paces each, turn to face each other, and shoot! Got it! I count."
"What do you mean you count? I just know you shall use one of your tricks and allurements to cheat at this Miss Bennet! You shall not fool me!" She squinted her eyes evily toward the little vixen who had an odd looking type of weapon in her hand. "Pray, what is that you have anyway, Miss Bennet?"
"Harumph! As if I'm going to tell you! You shall find out soon enough! Now let's get started!"
They turned back to back, everyone ran back into the church except Jane, Bingley, Darcy and the minister. The wind blew ominously through the empty lane, not a sound was heard in the now silent town of Meryton. The grooms exchanged anxious glances, Jane smiled proudly at her sister, knowing she would win. And the minister started reading the funeral service.
Lizzy began to count. "ONE!"
Both took a hesitant step forward.
On five the both turned and began firing. Green slime(borrowed from the Blob's unending supply) shot out of Lady Catherine's pistol's covering Elizabeth's gown and ruining the lace. She shrieked indignantly and began firing at Lady Catherine. Whipcream shot out of one can covering the lady from head to toe. Chedder cheese shot out of the other canister, shaping itself around Lady Catherine's head where a muffled screaming could be heard. Laughing victoriously Elizabeth grabbed a jar out of her handbag, went over to Lady Catherine and place a cherry on top of her head.
"Ok Lady Catherine! I WIN! You have just been creamed!" Lizzy laughed uproarously at her witty joke.
Suddenly a yell came from behind. Collins raced forth to save his beloved patroness. This wouldn't have been an odd occurance except for the bright orange bell-bottoms, purple shirt (which only came midrift--much to the disgust of all present) and star-shaped sun-glasses he wore. Not to mention his hair which had been permed and frizz, which now stood up in every direction, making him look like he had stuck his finger in an electrical outlet.
"My dear Lady Catherine! Oh, tell me that you are well!" Turning to Lizzy with a stern look, he spoke with a soft tone and slight accent.. "Ya know, man, this is like totally not cool! Can't we all just get along? We should be making love not war and share our happiness with all our friends and family. We should embrace each other with acceptance and.... blah blah blah...SQUISH"
Somehow an oversized mango had found its way into Collin's mouth preventing any more of his blathering. He now ran around the lane like a chicken with its head cut off while the entire population of Meryton laughed at his rediculous antics. Lizzy whistled shrilly, which brought around a carriage that stopped in front of her. She picked up Lady Catherine, tossed her into the carriage, waved and slammed the door. She took a sling-shot and hit the horse in the bum, sending the carriage racing out of Meryton to the joy of everyone there.
"Now then, where were we?" Lizzy asked. "Oh, yes...my favorite part!"
She grabbed Darcy by the shoulder and began kissing him fervently.
Elizabeth shot straight up into bed, looking around wilding. She blushed as she thought about how fervently she had kissed Mr. Darcy, and couldn't wait to have the opportunity to do it for real. Remembering the rest of the dream she chuckled. Lady Catherine covered in whip cream and cheese! Mr. Collins in that crazy get-up!
"Good Lord! That was an odd dream! Must have been the cabbage!" She snuggled back under the covers and was soon fast asleep.
Posted on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 2 : 11 a.m.
Caroline Bingley flung herself on the bed, punching the pillow and cursing the day she ever met Elizabeth Bennet. Now Miss Elizabeth Bennet, instead of her, would be marrying Mr. Darcy. She screamed in frustration at the thought that Lizzy should be above her in station! She was just a nobody! A lowly country girl! What did she know of fashion? Of style? Of hosting grand parties? Of dealing with superior society?
She shall be the laughing stock of the entire nation! HAHA! And I shall be the first to see her fail miserably. And then Darcy shall see his mistake! And he can get a divorce and marry me...I'll not hold it against him! It was that Elizabeth Bennet's fine eyes and pert opinions that had drawn him in, I just know it!
These thought flittered around inside her empty head as she lay on her bed. She soon fell asleep, thinking of ways to get her revenge.
"Good God, Caroline! Must you scream all the time! It is enough to make one insane!" Grumbled the gentleman. "Now come back to bed! It is early yet." With that he turned over and began snoring once again.
She peaked cautiously at the person in her bed. Obviously he knew her...he had called her by her first name. She stared at the back of his head, where his curly brown hair was mussed. Hmmm, who is this? And why is he in my bed? She went around to the other side of the bed and peaked at his face.
OH MY GOD! She shrieked silently to herself. DARCY! DARCY WAS IN HER BED!
A grin spread across her face as she giggled. She looked around the room, which was different from the one she had been using at Netherfield. Where was she? She looked out the window but it was too dark to really make anything out. She paced about the room, wondering what had happened? She tormented herself with silent questions for an hour until she could no longer stand it. Finally, she went over to Darcy and shook him awake.
"Darcy? Darcy wake up I must speak with you, my love." She whispered.
"What is it?" he demanded grumpily.
"How..." she gulped. "How did you get in here? Why are you here? What happened?"
Darcy looked at her as if she had gone mad. "What do you mean, 'How did I get here?' This is my home Caroline! Bought with my money! I am here because this is my home, even if I did buy it for you to use."
She gasped and blushed bright red. "For me to use?" Her eyes widened, and her thoughts raced through her head.
Darcy rolled his eyes. Lord, she was dull-witted, not like his beloved....His thoughts trailed off and a sadness filled his eyes. No, it was no use talking of her, she was gone forever. Looking at Caroline, he wondered how he had ever gotten into this situation.
"Yes, use. We have discussed this before, Caroline. I will not have my mistress living at Pemberley." He threw the blankets aside, stood up, put on his robe and went into the connecting room.
Caroline sat down on the bed, her eyes not seeing anything, and her thoughts racing once again. Mistress? I am his mistress? But what of Miss Bennet? When did I become his mistress? What is going on?
She raced into the adjoining room as Darcy started getting dressed on his own. He had to ride to Pemberley and take care of some estate business and just wanted to get away as soon as possible. He had come here last night to tell Caroline that their "agreement" was over. However, he had began drinking when she started with her snide comments on Elizabeth, and somehow had ended up in her bed again. He sighed. I really need to end this. I cannot bear this any longer.
He turned to find Caroline standing uncertainly behind him. "What is it, Caroline?"
"Um...Well...I was just wondering...I think I have forgotten. Um, how did I get to be your mistress? When? Weren't you suppose to marry Miss Bennet today?"
Darcy's face hardened at what he thought was a cruel joke. He opened his mouth to tell her that he had had enough of her cruelty, when he actually looked into her eyes and noticed the confusion. She really doesn't know! How?
Looking at her, he asked, "Well what do you remember?"
She held her hands in front of her as her eyes darted around the room. "Um, I remember being in my room at Netherfield and being angry that you were marrying Elizabeth Bennet, and then I guess I must have fallen asleep...." her voice trailed off.
"Well I did marry Elizabeth Bennet...she died four months after our marriage from a fever, which resulted from her trying to help you when you sprained your ankle in the rain." His eyes hardened to stone. "You never married, and wouldn't give up the idea of marrying me, so I finally made you my mistress, but you'll never be anything more. In fact, you are not even going to be my mistress. I don't want this anymore, Caroline. This house will be yours, I will sign it over to you, but I'll never see you again..."
Caroline's scream split the air as she bolted out of bed. She gasped for air and clutched her chest, Mrs. Hurst came rushing in to see what had happened. Caroline explained tearfully the horrid dream she had just had. Patting her hand, Mrs. Hurst calmed her down and assured her that nothing of the sort had occured and to get some more rest. Tomorrow was Darcy and Elizabeth's wedding.
Caroline laid back against her pillows and swallowed hard. The dream had shattered any remaing hopes she had for marrying Darcy, it made her realize that even if Eliza Bennet wasn't in the picture, Darcy would not be marrying her anyway. Drawing in a ragged breath, she closed her eyes and fell into a fitful sleep.
Posted on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 3 : 13 a.m.
Anne lay in her bed staring at the ceiling. She would not be attending Darcy's wedding since her mother was "seriously displeased" with his behavior. She will admit to herself that she did have some hopes of marrying Darcy. There was just something about him...his tall figure, brooding countenance...it made him so mysterious...so handsome! But he was hardly civil and lead Anne to believe he was not what she needed in a husband. It would be just like living with her mother all over again....only more quiet. She would still be oppressed and alone.
She sighed to herself as she thought of a more happy gentleman who she thought perfect in every way. He had such a cheerful personality, so open and caring...but what would he want with a sickly girl like me? She sniffled and closed her eyes. If only...
The maid came bustling in with her usual cheefulness, opening the drapes to let in the blinding sun so Anne could stumble about the room until her eyes adjusted. She could never understand why she just didn't stay in bed till her eyes were accustomed to the light. Perhaps out of pure stubborness...this was at least one thing she had power over. Walking over to the washbasin she splashed her face with cool water and yawned lightly.
Well, this morning Darcy and Elizabeth shall be getting married. I thought she was a delightful girl when she was here, I hope they are happy! With these thoughts, she smiled happily as the maid helped her dress. She was in an extremely cheerful mood this morning...and dreadfully hungry. UGH but it was a Thursday and mother always had gruel on Thursdays.
Looking thoughtful, Anne told her maid to have some breakfast brought to her room. She wanted a scone! Oooh that sounded absolutely sinful! She giggled to herself and sat in her chair looking out the window. The Park was beautiful with the light dusting of snow, she could see the birds pecking at the frozen ground, as the rays of the sun touched the chilled earth. The maid entered with a tray and set it down for her mistress then curtsied and left.
Opening the tray, Anne noticed a bowl of gruel. Wrinkling her nose in disgust she almost put the cover back over it before she noticed that there was a scone on it. YIPPEE! She scarfed it quickly and drank her orange juice a little too quickly, giving herself the hiccups. Hearing a noise in the hallway, she listened carefully. Oh, Dear! The old Dragon lady herself is coming!
She dipped her spoon into the gruel to make it look as if she had been eating it just as the door opened.
"My dear Anne! Are you ill this morning? Well I can see that you are, I shall have to have you bled this morning! Why are you not in bed? You shall catch a chill! I am quite put out!" Lady Catherine kept talking and asking questions that she never waited for the answer. Anne just rolled her eyes and stared out the window. I have got to find a way out of here!
"ANNE? Are you listening to me? Harumph! That Elizabeth Bennet has already been a horrible influence on you, making you forget where you are, who you are! Now sit up straight, the doctor shall be in soon!"
"Lady Catherine..." Anne began, she had never called her Mother, "I do not need a doctor. I am quite well! I just wanted to enjoy the solitude of the morning...."
"Oh, yes my poor dear! That Miss Bennet has taken Darcy away from you! You must feel it dreadfully! My poor girl!" Lady Catherine bemoaned her daughters loss, much to the amusement of her daughter.
"I do believe I am tired..."
"Yes, well if you are feeling ill, you tell the maid and I shall send for a doctor directly!" Lady Catherine stomped out of the room, leaving Anne in the quietness of her own thoughts.
She sighed dreamily as she thought of the one who she really loved. Who is at this moment at Darcy's wedding. I wonder when I shall see him next!
Just then the sound of footsteps and crashing brought her thoughts to a stop. Her brows furrowed as she looked towards the door. Good Lord, with all that racket I am sure it must be Mr. Collins stomping about the house. That pompous, overbearing @$$...I wish he would move away....
Her bedroom door slammed open to reveal the object of her previous thoughts...NO NOT COLLINS! The other one!
"Anne! Here I have come all this way to see you and I find that you are still in your room! Come now what is this all about? It is a beautiful day!" Col. Fitzwilliam smiled charmingly and held out his hand.
"Richard? B..but I thought you were suppose to be at Elizabeth's and Darcy's wedding?" She asked in confusion.
"Oh, I am but after talking with Darcy last night, I made haste to get to you. I hope I am not being too forward, or that I am mistaking your feelings, but...." Falling to his knees before her, he gazed at her with such love that she almost swooned. "Anne, please marry me! I have loved you for years but always thought you wanted Darcy! Please say you will Anne!"
Throwing herself into Richard's embrace, she chanted "Yes" over and over again, while the smile on her face threatened to split her face in two. They kissed tenderly....
"ANNE! WAKE UP AT ONCE! It is not lady-like to lay about in bed all day! I insist you get up at once!" Lady Catherine's shrill voice rang inside Anne's head.
Anne groaned aloud, as the delicious dream faded from her mind. Why did it have to be a dream? WHY? She sighed and got up while her mother continued to rant about the behavior and decorum of a true lady. Rolling her eyes, Anne decided she would become a better woman....one worthy of Col. Fitzwilliam and she would make him fall in love with her. With a wicked grin, Anne began the day with a hope for tomorrow.
Cabbage Fit for a Colonel
Posted on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 11 : 00 p.m.
Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam layed down in his bed and stared at the ceiling thoughtfully. Even though he had liked Elizabeth, he would not have changed their relationship for the world after seeing how happy his cousin Darcy is. However, he would have to find a wife soon enough, he just did not have much of a chance to be in society enough to find an appropriate one. There is one lady.... He shook those thoughts away. Nay, she would not want anything to do with someone from the military. She deserved far better, someone richer. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, he sighed. Being the second son could be devastating, especially when it came to matters of the heart. Younger sons did not have the luxery of marrying for love...at least not usually. Richard told his mind to shut up and closed his eyes.
Richard's eyes popped open as something landed on him in the bed. Letting out a startled yelp he glanced down to see a person laying on top of him. What the...?
"RICHARD!" Anne cried, then clung to him like a frightened child.
"Anne? What...How? How did you get here? What are you doing here?" Richard whispered, obviously confused. The feel of her small arms around his neck was not an unwelcome feeling, nor was the smell of lavender that wafted from her hair. Suppressing a groan, he sat up, dislodging her arms.
Anne sniffled and wiped her eyes with a handkerchief. "Well...mother has been in such a mood since Fitzwilliam insisted on marrying Miss Bennet. Which has made her take it out on me, she now has me bled every day, feeds me nothing but gruel at breakfast, and bread and water for the other meals. She even sent Mrs. Jennings away. I am all alone and at her mercy. I had no where else to go! For the past week I have bribed the doctor to not bleed me and not say anything to mother, and I planned my getaway with the driver. Please don't be angry, Richard. I couldn't take any more."
Richard's face hardened at hearing how ill she had been treated, but softened at the sight of her tears. He hugged her tightly and said, "Don't worry Anne, I am not angry. Just worried. Was your journey alright? Are you hungry? How did you know which room was mine?"
"My journey was ok, I am a little hungry," she smiled shly. "I peeked in everyone's room to see which one was yours...yours was the second door I opened. The first belonged to some lady who snored and had bright orange bed covers...it was quite hideous!"
Richard barked out a laugh, then quickly covered his mouth lest he should wake anyone else. He looked at Anne with a slight smile. She is so beautiful and sweet. How she could be so with a mother like hers is a mystery.
"Hmmm well you can't stay in here Anne, this is highly improper. I shall have to wake Darcy and figure out a plan..." he broke off as Anne's fingers dug into his arm.
"Oh, no, Richard! You musn't tell Darcy! He will make me go back to Rosings and mother will never forgive me and life will be even more miserable...and....and..." Anne rambled hysterically.
"Sshh, Anne, calm down. Darcy would not send you back to that dragon lady...besides I would not let him." He drummed his finger as he thought. "Well, I suppose I could always lend you this room and go sleep downstairs until tomorrow, then figure out something then. Darcy does need his sleep since he is getting married tomorrow. And I do not know which room is Bingley's."
"Oh, but I can sleep downstairs Richard! Really, I do not want to take your bed from you." She blushed as she said the words.
"Well that will never do! What time is it anyway?" Glancing at the clock he realized it was almost five in the morning already. "Well it is almost morning, I shall get up and get dressed. If you'll excuse me for a few moments? And I shall meet you in the library."
Anne nodded shyly and left the room. As soon as she shut the door she remembered she did not know where the library was. She turned to open the door, and as she did she saw her cousin getting undressed already. She inhaled sharply and shut the door, her cheeks flaming. "Oh, dear."
She decided to find the library herself. It couldn't be that hard, after all Netherfield wasn't as large as Rosings, and she never got lost there. Nevermind the fact that she never strayed past her rooms and the downstairs parlor. She walked off in search of the library.
Fifteen minutes later found Col. Fitzwilliam pacing the library restlessly. Where in the world is she? He continued pacing for another ten minutes before giving up and started for the door to go look for her. Suddenly, the door opened and a familiar head peeked in cautiously.
"Anne! Where have you been?"
"EEeeek! GAH! Richard you scared the bejeebers out of me!" Anne walked further into the room. "Well you didn't tell me where the library was so I had to find it myself, thank you very much!" She said saucily.
Richard blushed at her gentle chiding, then lifted both eyebrows at her teasing tone. Since when did Anne DeBourgh tease and flirt? He only said, "Oh, yes, sorry. I was not thinking quite clearly, but then again, having beautiful woman dropping on top of one while sleeping is enough to rattle even the strongest of nerves."
The room was silent as they looked at each other, both unsure of what to say next.
"Richard!" They both laughed self-consciously.
"You go first." Richard insisted.
"No, no, you go first!"
"But you said my name first." Anne argued with a smile.
Throwing his hands in the air.....
He then did an amazing juggling act with them, captivating Anne with his amazing talents. He ended it by balancing one hand on his nose and barking like a seal.
Ahem...ok maybe not..back to the story.
He began speaking, "Anne...I....I don't know how to say this." He groaned in frustration and looked at Anne's innocent curious face and gave up any thought to elegant speeches. He knelt down next to her chair and gazed at her earnestly. "Anne, I love you! I have loved you for a long time. I cannot bear to go without you a moment longer! Please consent to be my wife! I know I am not rich, or handsome, or worthy..."
His words were choked off as she flung her arms around his neck and squealed with delight. "I take it that's a yes?"
"YES!" she shouted happily and hugged him again. "When? Where?"
"Now? Gretna Green?" he asked cautiously.
She nodded happily and kissed him. That's odd, her lips taste just like....cabbage!
Fitzwilliam sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. Cabbage! God I hate cabbage! I shall never eat it again! I do not care if my cousin's fiance's mother has made it for dinner! Falling back against his pillow he thought of his beloved Anne....yes he would ask her soon! He smiled happily and felt asleep with that grin still on his face.
Mary's Meandering Muses
Posted on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 11 : 50 p.m.
Dinner had been eaten some time ago and Mary Bennet escaped the rest of the party for some solitude. She walked across the yard with a book held closely to her bosom. It was of course Fordyce's Sermons her favorite book in the whole world. She sat down under a willow tree and looked at the book with a smile on her face. Ah, Fordyce, if only we could have met! I feel like I know you already, we could be happy together.
Everyone thought Mary didn't care about marriage and such, but that was not true. She thought marriage a sacred thing in which should be shared between two people who held mutual respect and tenderness for each other. She was sure that if she could meet up with someone of Fordyce's magnitude she could not ask for more, save Fordyce himself of course.
She looked up at the sky with a dreamy expression on her face as she envisioned a happy life full of sermons and....more sermons. She closed her eyes and inhaled the fresh scent of roses that grew nearby and drifted off into a slumber.
Many a person, and animal, was thankful that she was not conscious to sing "Slumber Dear Maid" since it would ruin the atmosphere.
"Mary...Mary." A voice called from a distance. Mary mumbled in her sleep but did not open her eyes. "Mary, my dear, wake up!"
She slowly opened one eye to see the face of Mr. Collins. She could not help the little flutter in her chest as she gazed upon his face. She thought him the most beautiful creature she had ever seen.
Sounds of retching and moans of disgust were heard through out the readers.
SHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh I am trying to concentrate! Thank you! Now then...
"Yes, what is it cousin?"
"Mary, I must speak with you most urgently. It cannot be delayed another moment. I have already spoken to your father about the matter and he has give his permission." He smiled greasily and wheezed, then began again, "Almost from the moment I saw you, I chose you as the companion for my future life! Your beauty, charms, and knowledge of Fordyce's Sermons has convinced me of the rightness of my choice. You are universally charming and, I flatter myself, am sure that my connection with the Noble DeBourgh family highly recommends me! Indeed it was her who first spoke to me of marriage, "Mr. Collins" she said, "Find yourself a wife as soon as may be. Choose a gentlewoman for my sake, and for your sake let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up too high..." And the more I see of you, I am convinced that you will be completely acceptable to my patroness, the Right Honorable Lady Catherine DeBourgh....."
"MARY! Do not marry that cad, he does not deserve you!" A middle-aged man, with streaks of gray at his temples walked toward them with a determined stride.
"Who...who are you?" Mary asked in confusion.
The gentleman bowed grandly, and pulled a bouquet of flowers from behind his back. "Fordyce at your service madam!"
Mary's breath whooshed out in a disbelieving breath. Her shaky hands reached for the flowers. Her eyes traced every line on his face and she stood up. She could not believe it! Her dream come to life! Gazing dreamily at his face, she stepped toward him and touched his arm, to be sure he was real.
"Excuse me! But who do you think you are?" Demanded the ever pompous Collins, who had not been paying attention when the gentleman introduced himself.
Arching an eyebrow the older gentlemen looked down at him. "The name is Fordyce, and I'll thank you kindly to never adress me again in such an insolent manner!" He said haughtily.
Collins's eyes widened in shock, the his began breathing harshly, his heart beat against his breast so fast he thought for sure it would explode from his chest. He stepped toward's his mentor, his savior, his god, then knelt before him and kissed his shoes. "Oh, forgive me your Holyness! I did not hear you the first time. I should never presume to....blah blah blah...Please accept my humble apologies oh great one!"
Rolling his eyes, Fordyce just said, "Yes, yes, just get up you babbling idiot! I am trying to propose..."
Collins screamed girlishly and flung his slimy arms about Fordyce's body. "OH I ACCEPT!"
Mary shot straight up away from the tree and looked around. "Good Lord! What a nightmare! To have both of my dream men marry each other! How...how...liberal! Must have been the cabbage...does strange things to one's mind!" She stood up and dusted herself off, grabbed her book and went into the house.
Another Food Foray ~ by Allmi
Anne settled in for the night, after the maid plumped the pillows and made sure the windows were sealed to prevent the slightest unhealthy breeze from disturbing the young lady.
After extinguishing the candle, Anne hopped out of bed to open her window. She was much too happy this evening to turn in to humor her mother. In the growing twilight, she could see Mrs. Collins walking in the lane, and she raised her hand to wave at her new friend. Hopefully Mrs. Collins was able to send the letter to her friend, Anne thought, smiling and renewing her wave as Charlotte acknowledged her then turned to distract Mr. Collins.
Anne turned away from the window and spun around in her room, her white nightdress billowing around her ankles like a bell around its clapper. Anne's hand accidentally brushed a statuette from her end table and, though it dropped harmlessly to the thick Persian carpeting, sobered her up a bit and she jumped into the center of her bed. Just think, I shall be free tomorrow! Mother can no longer plan on Fitzwilliam and me marrying after he marries Miss Bennett! O, happy thought!
Since the invitation arrived, Anne had been walking carefully around her mother, trying to avoid raising her ire. Fortunately, Mr. Collins appeared to be bearing the brunt of the lady's formidable rage. Chuckling quietly to herself in order to avoid detection, Anne settled back into her pillows as the last bits of daylight fled from the sky.
"Anne, wake up. I insist you wake up right this moment," a laughing voice cut into her dreams.
"It's not polite to mock Mother." Her attempt at severity dissolved as she observed that her tormentor was carrying a basket laden with delicacies of which her mother would never in a million years approve. "Would you like a bit of help?" Smiling now, she rose and cleared a place on the bedside table, then returned to her bed, fluffing the pillows.
"How is the patient this morning? Are you in need of medical assistance?"
"I do feel a slight chill coming on," Anne confessed, squirming a bit against her pillows in anticipation of the strawberries and forbidden croissant. "Though, Dr. Remoray, I am rather surprised at your making calls at this hour!"
The good doctor chuckled quietly, then turned and closed the window and the shades. "Well, who could do less for such an amenable patient?" Dr. Remoray reached into the basket and brought forth a small basket of ripe. . .
Escaping the Onslaught
The happy couples walked arm in arm out of the chapel after the reception, accepting last minute well wishes from friends and relatives. Kids ran about with ribbons, screaming and playing. Elizabeth and Darcy past under the arch and were getting ready to enter their carriage. Suddenly something green went flying through the air and struck Mr. Darcy in the back of the head.
He grabbed the back of his head and whirled around to see what had hit him and who had thrown it. "Who did that?"
A small boy stepped forward. "'Twas me, sir."
Darcy frowned in confusion. "Now why on earth did you brain me with a cabbage boy?"
"Well, sir....it's a weddin' tradition! Yer suppose ta throw stuff at the bride and groom as they leave the chapel." The boy exclaimed in an excited voice.
"Young man, you are suppose to throw rice! Not cabbage, you could hurt somebody." Darcy explained.
"I beg to differ sir!" interrupted another boy. "We was told it's illegal to throw rice 'cuz it makes birds 'xplode!"
Elizabeth wrinkled her nose in disgust at this explanation, and said, "I thought you were suppose to throw birdseed, so the birds could eat it without being harmed.?"
"Aye, that does well I s'pose, miss, but it's too 'xpensive....so we used cabbage! We have plenty of cabbage!"
"Well what are you going to do with the cabbage after throwing it at us? Seems like a terrible waste to me." Exclaimed Mrs. Bennet.
"Oh, well the pigs eat it, ma'am," the boy said simply.
"Pigs? Pray, what pigs are you talking of? I see no pigs in Meryton!" she shrieked loudly causing the boy to wince as his eardrums all but shattered.
He pointed, "Them pigs!"
Everyone looked over to see a hurd of pigs standing about. "Oh, I see said the blind man," was heard from somewhere in the crowd. Suddenly a high pitched shout went up. "SUUUUUUUUUUUUEEY!"
The porkers charged for the group of people, ready to eat the cabbage leaves strewn about the ground. One of the pigs resembled a familiar portly clergyman, but no one really considered this as they ran in all directions hoping to escape the mad rush of the stinky beast.
SQUEEEEL OINK OINK SQUEEL GRUNT GRUNT SLOBBER...OOZE!
Yep it was Collins! He has finally been reunited with all his family! *sniff*
Bingley's carriage had already taken off in the fit of confusion. He was not going to be delayed in enjoying his marriage felicities. Darcy glanced at his own carriage with a look of longing. Tugging on Elizabeth's sleeve, he motioned her to follow him, and they tried to go unnoticed as they crept towards it.
"Oh, my dear LIZZY!" A screech pierced through the chaos. "You mustn't leave without giving your mother a hug! Lord, knows when we shall meet again!"
Everyone else swarmed around the carriage like ants after a piece of candy. Darcy's eyes widened in fear, and even Lizzy stepped back from the onslaught of bodies. She hugged her mother quickly and hopped into the carriage, grabbing Mr. Darcy by his collar and all but dragging him into the carriage while screaming, "GO GO GO!"
The sounds of various food products hitting the side of the carriage and the screaming of people and kids eventually came to an end as the carriage raced out of sight.
"Whew! Thank God!" Darcy mumbled. "I do not know how much more I could have taken before going quite mad. You would have been married to a lunatic, Elizabeth!"
Elizabeth laughed delightfully at Darcy's teasing. "I agree. But now we have much better things to fucus on, my love." She pulled him close for a passionate kiss, and thus they remained happily occupied the rest of their journey.