Section I, Next Section
Posted on Sunday, 11 June 2000
His gaze lingered over her sleeping form. She had a lovely face, almost angelic, with a crown of dark curls that tumbled down her head and across his chest. He fingered the soft curls and gently brushed them off her face. She smiled in her sleep, sighing at his touch. Softly she stirred and mumbled, "Stay."
His heart broke as he held her close until she drifted back to sleep. With his whole being he wished it were in his power to give her the on thing she always requested. Never had she wanted money, or jewels, or to know the best people. She hadn't even wanted Pemberley. He would have given her anything and everything he could. He was willing to defy everyone to have her by his side, belonging to him, loving him.
Gently he kissed her sleepy brow and slipped out of bed. "Stay" She said it so softly he could barely hear, but he knew she asked.
"Good-bye my love. Sleep well." he whispered.
He pulled his coat close around him and made his way across the grounds to the house, and as he walked in the chilled winter air he wretchedly thought about how his life had gotten to this point.
He had a privileged upbringing with the best education, and all of the advantages that could be had were his. He was the oldest son of an only son and upon the death of his father had turned Pemberley into the best estate in Derbyshire. His mother had passed away several years before his father and his only sibling, his brother Edmund was a successful attorney, who had a beautiful, sweet wife and a 3 year old son.
It was acknowledged far and wide that there was no better master or landlord. The estate had been in the family for more years than anyone could count, although he was sure someone somewhere had. And yet, in the midst of this, here he was, a besotted fool unable to give the most perfect woman he had ever beheld the one thing she asked for, his name.
What had he done to God that this was his punishment? For there could be no worse hell than to have his heart break night after night.
When did he lose control? He wondered with a small laugh if he ever even had control? Ironically, at one point he was confident that he had control over everything. He thought that he had taken control of his own life, that he was master of his life, his destiny.
God must be laughing at him, at his arrogance. The arrogant presumption that HE had control of his life was shattered. He had found his soul's mate, and yet it was wrong to have her, she couldn't be his wife. He had no control, only pain and love. Somewhere, somehow, he needed to make this right. No, he needed God to make this right, he would just muck it up. Philip Edward Darcy was lost.
Ten years earlier
In 1702, at the respectable age of eight and twenty he had submitted to an arranged marriage with his cousin Caroline. She was his uncle's only child and heir, and their union would make Pemberley the largest estate in Derbyshire.
Caroline was pleasant looking and it was a very suitable arrangement. But she was young and silly, Philip found her company hard to bear, for she was mostly concerned with clothing and gossip, and those things which other fashionable ladies liked. Neither of them felt any great passion towards the other, fortunately there was no animosity. As Caroline would later confess, he was handsome enough to bed, intelligent enough to keep dinner from being dull, and gentle enough not to be cruel or hurt her. She felt that as far as husbands she could do much worse. Perhaps in time they may feel some affection towards each other.
Five Years Later -- c.1707
Their marriage was uninspired and passionless. While they were polite to each other, there were no real feelings of love. Caroline preferred the social life to the quiet country life he preferred. Still they did the usual required events, Philip squired her around, paid for her gowns, and she in turn kept him from being a recluse and helped him maintain his social business contacts. After five years of marriage their lives were very much like so many other couples. There were rumours that Caroline had found a lover to occupy her time, and Philip was stiflingly bored with his own situation. Eventually, when he could stand it no more, Philip took the advice of his father, uncle, and other acquaintances. He took a mistress.
He had his choice. There were many women of his acquaintance who had even suggested a dalliance. His first was short-lived, only a few weeks. The lady lost interest when an earl caught her fancy. His second lasted almost a full six months, and he was even rather fond of Lady Anna Oakton. But it ended when he and Caroline returned to Pemberley for his father's funeral. It was on that carriage ride home, when he was raw and aching, that Caroline informed him that she knew.
"Philip do not embarrass me or become involved with any of my friends." said Caroline coldly.
"I'm sorry." he said.
"I don't care." she shrugged it off.
"You don't care that I'm sorry?" he was puzzled.
"No, Philip. I don't care what you do."
"Oh." Philip looked disturbed.
"Come now, don't act upset. And stop trying to look shocked that I speak of such things." Caroline chided him.
"Still, I always thought...somehow..."
"What, that I loved you? That I would grow to love you? I suppose I did, or tried to. Everything was arranged. I had no say in any of it." She sighed, "Don't fret dear. I am quite content the way things are. I have money, power, my circle of friends."
"You don't wish that we could be more?"
"More what? No. My only wish is that I could have given you an heir."
"We could still try." Philip was unsure if he wished for them to try or not. Of course he needed an heir, still he didn't think...
"NO, Philip. It would be futile any way. I saw Dr. Jones in London. It is doubtful that we, that I, will ever bear a child." she said this quietly staring out of the window. There are few things more difficult for a woman to hear. This news had a chilling effect upon Caroline's heart.
"I'm sorry."
"I have decided that I do not wish you to visit me any more."
"Caroline."
"Let me finish please." She took a deep breath. "If one of your dalliances should produce a child we will raise him as your son and heir."
"Why would you accept another woman's child?"
"I want you to remain in this marriage. If you divorce me over this I will be an outcast." She wiped a tear and reached for his hand. "You are good and decent, I ask you not to abandon me. Promise me." At that moment Philip would have agreed to storm the Tower single handedly just to ease the pain of this conversation.
"I promise."
"Thank you." Caroline's eyes were bright with tears.
They rode the rest of the way in silence.
Summer passed quietly. Caroline took a trip to Bath with her friend Clarissa Washington while Philip remained at Pemberley sorting out his father's affairs and assuming full control of the estate.
One day shortly before Caroline was to return, James Richardson, his steward informed Philip he wished to get married.
"To whom James?"
"Julia Edgerton."
Philip had always trusted and admired James Richardson. He had served Philip's father faithfully and had been extremely helpful in sorting out and helping Philip understand the nuances of Pemberley's business after his father's death. In the last few months Philip had come to regard James Richardson as something of a friend, so it was with great curiosity that Philip questioned him about his intended bride.
"I don't recognize her name." said Philip
"She's only been in the area a few months sir. She's the niece of Michael Gordon and she's been staying with the Gordon's in Lambton." Michael Gordon was a respected innkeeper with a large family of his own.
"Has the lady accepted your proposal?"
"Yes sir."
"And has her father given his consent?"
"She has no parents sir. But Mr. Gordon has consented as her guardian."
"How old is she James?"
"She's just nineteen sir."
"James, you are five and forty. That's quite a difference. Her family has no objection?"
"No sir. We're very fond of each other. And she's got no prospects and no dowry sir. But she is handsome."
"Well, you have my leave to go ahead. I hope she'll be a good wife for you."
"Thank you sir. We're planning on November, after the harvesting is done."
"Very good. You'll want to take a couple weeks off then? Go ahead, I'll expect you back on the job after the first of the year. Be sure Edgar is filled in on what needs to be done while you are gone. And come see me this afternoon, I've got some estate plans for us to go over."
In London that season Philip kept mostly to himself, occasionally visiting his club or escorting Caroline somewhere. Most people assumed that he was still mourning his father and they did not question his reticent and withdrawn behaviour.
No one actually suspected the true reason. Philip was barely aware himself of his own unhappiness. His marriage and his two mistresses had all failed to bring him the close companionship he longed for. Caroline was no friend, and lately she had begun to behave coldly towards his attempts at companionship. He suspected her new lover was keeping her attention.
Philip realized, more than anything else, that he wanted someone who could converse intelligently about art, music, even estate business. Someone who challenged his mind and whom he could challenge. Philip wanted to give his heart away, have it treasured and accepted, and not because of his name or his money. Many times that season, at night just before he fell asleep, Philip would try to picture what it would be like to have someone to talk to and hold while they slept. This did not improve his disposition.
In December he received his monthly letter from his housekeeper Mrs. Henderson detailing the situation at Pemberley. She was a faithful corespondent with a motherly tone to her letters. She would update Philip on the estate, the tenants and the servants. Usually Mr. Richardson would include a page detailing any business transacted or items which Philip needed to be concerned with. This time, instead of a few pages from his steward, Philip received a note that the marriage of James Richardson to Julia Edgerton had taken place and that the bride was a bit young but the couple seemed very happy. The staff was charmed by the new Mrs. Richardson. Edgar was doing well filling in for Mr. Richardson, but everyone would be glad when Richardson returned to his post. Mrs. Henderson intimated that the couple was at their cottage settling in, and that Mr. Darcy need not concern himself that Richardson was unreachable should something arise that was beyond Edgar's abilities.
Thinking of the Richardson's happiness did not improve Philip's mood.
In April Mrs. Henderson's monthly letter informed Philip that the new Mrs. Richardson was with child. Philip's disposition had improved some with the advent of spring and he was able to happily send congratulations. He told Mrs. Henderson to have the couple moved to the white cottage near the stream since the cottage where the Richardsons lived was much too small for a family. This cottage could be a wedding/baby gift from the Darcys' and the old cottage could be given to John the coachman as he was to be married in the summer. These gestures made Philip feel more light-hearted than he had in months. In a fit of giddiness, he further instructed Mrs. Henderson to engage a servant girl to help Mrs. Richardson with the cooking and housekeeping. With that Philip Darcy set his mind to the task of looking about for ways to do things for others, and very much looking forward to the summer at Pemberley.
In mid-June Philip sat in his study perusing plans for Caroline's return. She had taken herself off for her annual trip to Bath with Clarissa Washington. Suddenly he heard a great commotion outside and looking out of the window saw several footmen shouting for Richardson.
Philip leaned out of the window, "I believe you'll find him in the east garden with the grounds keepers."
"Thank you sir!" And the footman ran off.
"What the devil happened?...." he shouted after the retreating figure.
There was a knock at the door. Mrs. Henderson entered before Philip could respond. She looked pale and upset, not the usual cheery demeanour he was so used to seeing on his housekeeper. Before he could speak she informed him that she had been visiting with Julia Richardson and the young woman had gone into labor.
"Isn't it early?" He asked, hesitating.
"Yes sir." Mrs. Henderson began to cry "It is very early. There were still three months to go."
"Then the child died." He said this flatly, knowing the answer but needing to hear it.
"Yes sir" she sniffed. "It was a boy"
Michael James Richardson was buried in Lambton. Philip helped James arrange the service and Pemberley stopped working so everyone could attend. James Richardson, an excellent man whom everyone truly like and admired, was heart-broken over the loss of his tiny son and fearful for his wife. Julia Richardson was in bed with a fever, unable to attend her own son's funeral.
A fortnight later Philip found James pulling weeds in the east garden. "James, why are you doing the work of an under gardener? Surely they are capable and you must have others duties to attend to."
"Well sir, sometimes a man needs to get his hands dirty and think a bit. Don't worry I'm not neglecting anything."
"I see. Um, and how's your wife?"
"Her fever's better but her spirits are low."
"I'm not surprised. It must be difficult for you both. Can I help?"
"Well sir, I've been thinking." James stood up and faced Philip. "There aren't any guests now and if no one minds, I'd like to let Julia help with the flower beds. It'll give her something to do and get her away from the house, take her mind off the babe."
"I can assume that you feel she is capable and will not ruin my flower beds?"
"She'll do well sir. I dare she knows almost as much about flowers as any of the gardeners."
"Go ahead James. Set it up with the gardeners. And if you need anything else come speak to me. I want to help."
"Thank you sir." Philip started to walk away but James called after him. "Sir. I just wanted to say thank you for all you've done. Truly I've never heard of a master who takes better care of his people than you do."
Philip shifted uncomfortably and finally just said "good day James" and with that went for a walk.
He walked along the fields and into the meadow. His mind was occupied by Richardson's comments. He had always believed, contrary to the opinion of many of his acquaintance, that servants and tenants who are treated well and fairly will give you their best effort and the estate will be better for everyone's efforts. But still, Philip didn't think letting his steward's wife weed the flower bed was any great privilege, so why was James telling him how nice he was?
The sun shone that day through the clouds, streaking beams of light across the field and nearby woods. Philip spotted a young girl gathering daisies. As she turned toward him he was struck by her beauty. Her long dark curls were blowing in the breeze and softly framed her face. She looked up from her task and smiled. His heart skipped. He bowed in acknowledgment and continued walking, wondering who she was.
Two days later Philip was in search of James. Having been told he was in the east garden he went looking there. Suddenly something, someone made him stop dead in his tracks. A young woman was in the flower bed.
"Good Morning" said Philip.
"Oh, Mr. Darcy sir, good morning." She rose, brushing the dirt from her skirts but leaving the streak on her nose. Somehow that dirt streak made her face even more beautiful. Her hair had begun to escape its ribbon and as it framed her face Philip realized she was the girl from the field. Seeing her up close he noted she had dark eyes and she was indeed beautiful.
She shifted uneasily under his scrutiny.
"Did you want something sir?" She spoke with a note of irritation after having been looked over like a horse.
"Your name?" he asked quietly.
"Julia Richardson" she grinned at the thought that the master of Pemberley did not realize who she was. Then she remembered, they had never been introduced. He had been gone when she and James married and she hadn't been out since she lost the baby. Of course he would wonder who she was.
"You are James' wife." he spoke as if in a trance, like a man in sleepwalking.
"Yes sir." She relaxed a bit with the understanding that his scrutiny was only curiosity at a newcomer.
"He asked if you could help with the flowers."
"Yes, thank you. I am enjoying myself."
Philip realized he was being rude and tried to speak more casually. He went from casual to awkward, "I'm glad. I, um...I am sorry....about your loss."
Julia bit her lip and looked away, blinking back the tears in her eyes. "Thank you sir," she whispered.
Philip wished he could somehow say something to comfort her but instead just said, "If you and your husband are in, that is, if you need anything, you will have him tell me?"
Julia nodded. She was touched by his concern and there was something sweet about his discomfort and shyness. She understood why her husband respected this man so much.
"Good, then....I'll, um leave you to the flowers. Good day," and he rushed off, thinking that James Richardson was one very lucky man.
Posted on Tuesday, 13 June 2000
Caroline returned home, bringing Clarissa Washington with her to stay. Mrs. John Washington was another product of an arranged marriage and unaffectionate husband. They had managed to produce three children, all sons, in their ten years together. After the third child John Washington ungraciously removed himself to another wing of their house and set his mistress up in a townhouse in a very fashionable section of London. Clarissa was given free reign to do as she pleased, save for those occasions where the couple was required to make an appearance. It was Clarissa who had advised Caroline to keep a separate life from Philip, and she was very helpful in establishing the lifestyle Caroline now enjoyed.
Clarissa had convinced Caroline that they should stay at Pemberley until the season began. She had her own reasons apart from what she told Caroline. Clarissa's latest lover had left her after last season and she decided to challenge herself, with Philip Darcy. It was well rumoured that the wealthy, handsome man had not had a mistress for the last year and a half. And in spite of Caroline's obvious lovers, Philip still showed no signs of regard for any woman in particular. Clarissa meant to change that.
She contrived often to find Philip alone. She would happen to need something from the room he was in, or she would be strolling in the same garden. Always they would spend a few minutes pleasantly conversing before she would stroke his arm and say she must go to -----, expecting Philip to seek her out. Philip was amused at her attempts to engage him but dismissed the possibility of any other situation developing. After all, he reasoned, hadn't he promised Caroline he would avoid becoming intimate with one of her friends? He didn't need to worry, Clarissa wasn't someone who could tempt him.
After two weeks of flirtation, Clarissa grew frustrated. Her subtle hints had fallen on deaf ears. He hadn't picked up on her hints. An ordinary woman have decided to pull in her lines and fish elsewhere. Clarissa Washington was not ordinary. She had achieved a certain legendary status in London, as a woman no man refused, and no man regretted submitting to. Philip Darcy was an enticing challenge, and she meant to win.
She decided to use a different approach. A few conversations with Caroline told her that Philip doted on Pemberley and is inhabitants and that last winter he had become tiresome with his attempts to become more intimate. Clarissa knew what she had to do. She would be his friend and he would be hers within a week if she was careful.
Clarissa seated herself in the parlor, the blue one where the Darcy family had gathered informally when Philip was small, and where Philip was known to sit and relax before dinner. Ten minutes later Philip walked in, obviously surprised to see Clarissa.
"Good afternoon Philip." She smiled pleasantly and continued to read a book.
"Um, Clarissa." He sat.
After a moment Clarissa asked, "How are you?"
"I am well, thank you. And yourself?"
"I am well, though I find myself a bit out of sorts lately."
"Perhaps you miss the excitement of London," he hinted. "Pemberley is a bit quiet."
"Actually I find being here has made me realize how much I enjoy a bit of peace. Pemberley is quite beautiful and peaceful."
"Thank you." Philip was surprised. She had caught him off guard speaking so warmly about Pemberley.
"I can easily see why you might prefer Pemberley to London. London at times can be...artificial."
"I confess, I'm surprised to hear you speak so. I expected you would to enjoy London."
"Oh, I do like the shops, and the balls. But sometimes, I think I would wish for more." She looked intently at Philip. "Well enough, I believe I will avail myself of your gardens before dinner."
Philip watched her go.
Each of the following three days a similar situation occurred. Each time the conversation lasted longer and became more and more about Pemberley and Philip's plans and hopes. Clarissa listened attentively and encouragingly, though she was bored. Philip continued to be amazed that she was not the shallow, vain woman he had initially thought. He enjoyed talking to her and having someone listen. He did think it might be nice if she had some opinions of her own, but a man dying of hunger doesn't squabble of the quality of the food. He was just happy not to always be talking to himself.
The next night after supper-time Philip and Clarissa met in the garden and following her hints, he offered to accompany her on her walk, to show her some of the flowers as she suggested. The chatted; Philip talked, Clarissa smiled and admired. She knew she was making progress with Philip, if they kept meeting like this she would have him shortly. Although listening to him drone on about Pemberley was getting more and more difficult. But that was the price of Philip Darcy. As soon as they were 'closer' Clarissa would make sure each conversation about this dismal country was rewarded with a new bauble of affection. Yes, she could manage Philip quite nicely. And he was ever so handsome. Clarissa giggled in anticipation. Philip looked askance at her. Lost in her reverie of jewels, and gifts, and others pleasures, Clarissa forgot Philip was talking. She smiled at him and stroked his arm flirtatiously. This time, Philip responded to her invitation and squeezed her hand. Clarissa Washington glanced away with what might have appeared to be a shy smile, unless someone looked closely and noticed the triumph in her eyes.
"I love the garden in the evening," she said softly.
"Yes. I find this time of day to be very special." Philip was surprised at his reaction to her. Deep in his mind he knew this was all wrong. She was coy and deceitful. So why was he so tempted? Clarissa was a very handsome woman. Her dark brown hair and creamy complexion had attracted many admirers, but looks alone had never tempted him. She was just so interesting and nice to talk to. It had been so long since anyone had cared about him. He sighed.
"Philip, what's on your mind this evening?" she purred. When he didn't respond she stroked his arm again and leaned in close. "Philip," her breath was warm on his neck, "What is it you need tonight?"
The invitation was plain, even to someone as obtuse in these matters as Philip, and he, lost in loneliness and seduced by her companionship, the warm breezes, and sweet scent of flowers, seized her and kissed her.
When he pulled away, Clarissa was left breathless. Philip's mind was clouded. He knew only his desire to grab her and kiss her again.
As he was about to do just that, Caroline came from around the corner of the house and with her was Julia Richardson. "Philip. Where is your steward?" asked Caroline.
He stepped away from Clarissa, hoping they hadn't been seen. "I don't know." he mumbled. His mind was really too confused to say much more.
"Well go find him. It is important." Caroline looked at him impatiently. She knew what had happened, even without seeing it. Clarissa was glaring venomously at her, and Philip was in a cloud.
"Why is she here?" He gestured to Julia.
Julia Richardson was a practical woman. She didn't have the time or patience for rude landlords and their stupid affairs of the heart. Julia had never bothered Mr. or Mrs. Darcy before, and she wouldn't be here now if it wasn't important. And yet here he was being dismissive and rude.
"Mr. Darcy" Julia looked him in the eye and announced flatly "I have been sent to fetch you and my husband. The Miller's roof has collapsed."
A look of horror came to his face. Her words and commanding tone shook Philip into his senses. Clarissa was forgotten. "My God! What happened? We must go. Lead the way." He ran into the house calling for supplies and men to help the Millers. Julia followed after him giving him information as he ran.
Caroline smiled too sweetly, "Clarissa, You should come inside before you catch a chill. If I know Philip, he will be there all night helping. Nothing tears him away when one of our tenants is in need." And she swept inside, leaving a very angry Clarissa pouting in the garden, and vowing not to let anyone interfere next time.
Posted on Thursday, 15 June 2000
Philip, Julia, a wagon and several footman arrived at the Millers just after James, and found the damage was extensive.
"Good God." Philip whispered.
"Mr. Darcy. I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry to drag you away from your plans, but I did figure you would want to know about this." said James.
Philip colored at the mention of his "plans" but managed to keep his voice calm. "Yes, This is much more important than anything I had planned tonight."
Julia raised her eyebrows remembering what had transpired in the garden. She didn't quite believe that Philip wasn't put out about the interruption. He was certainly rude enough in the garden, and that Mrs. Washington, her glare could have frozen half of Africa under a sheet of ice. NO, they didn't mind being interrupted. Bah, useless gentry, she thought.
Philip caught her questioning look and scowled. He didn't need her questioning his affairs. Who is she to disapprove of me? Just the wife of my steward. I certainly don't need her approval of my affairs.
Not to be left out, James noticed the stares passing between his wife and Philip. He chuckled, Oh Lord, I know that look of Julia's. I wonder what Mr. Darcy did to offend her. He doesn't seem pleased either. I'll have to get her to tell me later, maybe I can smooth things over.
The men inspected the damage and found the west corner of the roof had collapsed into the bedrooms. It would be impossible to do any repairs tonight, as it was getting dark. It was decided that work would start on the morrow; the Miller family would stay at the Richardson's house. Julia insisted on taking them in until repairs could be made. Finally, all that was left was to settle on a time for the work to begin tomorrow, collect what they could that the Millers would need, and transport everyone to the Richardsons.
The wagon was loaded with supplies and the Miller's things leaving only room for a driver and a very tired and scared 6 year old Annie Miller. Everyone else walked. Philip picked up 4 year old Seth Miller and carried him. Seth dozed off and Philip listened and watched the other families in silence.
The Millers were a good quiet people whom Philip knew only slightly, despite the fact that the family had been tenants since his father's time. He was amazed to find Mr. Miller so good natured. He and his wife joked about their misfortune. Mr. Miller teased his wife that she must have deliberately weakened the roof to make it fall, thus giving her a reason to renew her quest to have the house enlarged. Mrs. Miller, far from being offended, just chuckled and reminded him that an upstairs bedroom for the children would ensure greater privacy for them. Mr. Miller laughed and took up her arm affectionately.
Behind him Philip could hear the Richardsons discussing sleeping arrangements and Julia Richardson making suggestions about how to proceed with the repairs. James isn't being offended by her speaking out? He is actually encouraging her and seems pleased with her help and ideas. Why? Philip was puzzled that a man and woman could converse as equals on such a subject. Philip half thought they might engage in a discussion about current politics next. He had a fleeting thought,maybe, Julia Richardson is more than a beautiful woman.
It was nearing dark when they group arrived so Philip and the others stayed just a few minutes after seeing everyone settled in. There was very little light left for the ride back. Under the cover of darkness Philip allowed his thoughts to roam. The evenings activities really had quelled his earlier lust. In the cold light of day (figuratively speaking) Philip realized Clarissa really wasn't someone he wanted to be involved with. She was Caroline's friend and he did promise not to....with any of her friends. And there was something strange about Clarissa -- why was she suddenly interested in what Philip thought and dreamed. She never had cared before. Maybe, she wasn't the person she presented herself as. He was glad they had been interrupted.
His thoughts turned toward what he had seen that night, in the midst of a horrible event, there was genuine affection and respect between married couples. He did not know many men who would appreciate a wife like Julia Richardson, nor did he know many couples like the Millers who laughed at difficulties.
This personal reflection didn't last long, Philip was not a man given to much reflection. But he was a man of action and truly concerned for his tenants, thus it wasn't long before Philip's thoughts turned toward the work needing to be done and how to help the Miller's. Philip dwelt on this all the way home and into the night.
Julia and James settled the Millers in and then retired to the porch. There were a pair of rocking chairs out there where they sat whenever possible and talked. The chairs had been wedding gifts from her aunt and uncle, with the instructions that James and Julia were to use them every day, "just to talk" her aunt had said. So they had developed this routine in the evening of sitting outside and when the weather turned bad, the chairs were placed inside by the fire.
"Julia, can you tell me why you and Mr. Darcy were scowling at each other. I really don't like to see my wife and my employer at odds. What happened?"
"It was nothing James." She laughed. "Really, when I went to the house to fetch you and him, by the way where were you? Any way, I interrupted Something in the garden. He was rather rude to me and I was rude back at him."
"Julia, please tell me you did not speak out against him." He sighed.
"James do you take me for a blockhead? I would never jeopardize you with your employer. I was just less than polite in telling him about the Millers."
"I'm sorry. It's just, most men, especially those who already look down on the serving class, do not like a woman who can speak her mind. And you my dear, have an excellent mind and a short temper."
"Thank you James. Fear not. I doubt I injured him and if I did I will make my apologies, for your sake. Now, where were you during all this?"
James chuckled, "I was at the stables talking with the groom. Tommy Miller found me."
"Speaking of the Millers, I was thinking perhaps...." And so the conversation turned to what needed to be done to repair the house.
By morning when Philip and James rode out to repair the Miller's house, Clarissa was forgotten.
Of course Clarissa hadn't forgotten about Philip. If fact she was as determined as ever to have Philip Darcy in her bed. Just the thought sent shivers through her. She could tell by his kiss, she would enjoy this very much, and not just for the jewels and gifts he would buy her.
She was forced to wait until that night before she contrived to get Philip alone. This time she found him reading in the library. She went over and sat near him. He glanced up, smiled and went back to his book. Clarissa got up an sat next to him on the sofa. She positioned herself so she was not touching him but she was close enough that he could smell her perfume and he had a good view of her exposed bosom. A few heavy sighs made sure he realized how close and exposed she really was.
Philip began to realize he was not going to be able to concentrate on his book. After all Edward Fisher's Marrow of Modern Divinity wasn't really able to compete with a beautiful woman in a low-cut gown who was determined to get his attention. He sighed and looked at her, "Clarissa, is there something you wish to talk to me about?"
"Philip, last night....we were interrupted in the garden....I thought perhaps...." she fluttered and leaned against his arm.
Philip moved away. "I have been thinking.....perhaps this is not ....well.....I just don't think."
Clarissa pouted, "Philip. You mean you don't find me attractive? I assure you my charms are worth a look."
Philip flushed and stood up, feeling much safer that way, "Well, yea you are. Bbbut. You're not...I mean... I'm not We shouldn't." He looked almost helpless trying to explain.
For a moment no one moved, no one said anything. Each regarded the other, sizing up the enemy. Philip wisely remembered his doubts about Clarissa, and strengthened his determination not to succumb to her 'charms'. Clarissa saw him square his shoulders, and realized her plans were dissolving. She hated losing. Some philosopher wisely once said, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.' This man had obviously met Clarissa. She rose and turned on Philip like a rabid hyena.
"Philip Darcy are you telling me you have been using me ill?!!!!!" Her sweet, kind temper was gone and in its place was a vicious, spiteful woman.
"No! I just..."
"Don't you dare justify kissing me like, like that and then telling me you are not interested. Because I know you were interested!"
"Well I was. But.."
"You, you....I will make you pay for this." she hissed.
There was no way for him to even begin to extricate himself gracefully. So he gave up. "I'm sorry." And Philip fled the library to his chambers.
The staff had quite a mess to clean up in the library the next morning.
After seeing the work on the Miller's house get started, Philip began to call around on the other tenants and servants, ostensibly to see if there were any more repairs which needed to be made, but also to avoid a confrontation with Clarissa. He resolved to spend more time with Pemberley's tenants and servants and much less time where Clarissa could find him. The last time he had been alone with her had made him very glad things had not progressed any. She had so far confined herself to her room, being careful to avoid him.
Philip never knew how much he owed Caroline for her aid in keeping them apart. She had surmised that Clarissa was trying to seduce Philip. Caroline wasn't really jealous just possessive, and she would be dammed if she would let Clarissa make a fool of her. Caroline was sure Philip was honorable enough to keep his word not to embarrass her, so all she needed to do was keep Clarissa occupied until they could leave Pemberley. Once in London Clarissa would find some other hapless victim and forget Philip.
Thus while Caroline never left Clarissa alone, Philip took to personally visiting each house and family. Initially he requested James come with to keep him company and because people were much more likely to open up to the steward about their needs than they would to the master. But by now, two weeks later, it was only mildly surprising for the tenants to find Philip on the doorstep, sometimes bringing a basket of food or some clothing for the children. Those who were suspicious of his intentions were soon won over as he listened and conversed intelligently about their concerns. Any final skeptics were won when Mr. Miller told how Philip had insisted on adding an upstairs room to the house, and had covered all the repair expenses himself.
When the summer faded, Caroline began to make plans to return to London. Philip mentioned one day the possibility of not going to London for the season. This idea was met with skepticism until two point were cleared up. The first being that Philip had been feeling rather tired lately and thought that he would not enjoy escorting Caroline to any of the balls, he would be a killjoy in London. The second point being that he did not expect Caroline to remain at Pemberley, but that she ought to go to London if she choose. Privately, Philip and Caroline both admitted to the advantage of Clarissa being in London and Philip remaining at Pemberley. With these matters cleared up, Caroline and Clarissa left for London.
Philip happily remained at home working and visiting tenants, increasing daily everyone's awe and respect. In early autumn, Philip did become sick. He had been feeling tired for sometime and finally succumbed to a trifling cold. Under Mrs. Henderson's strict guidance, Philip went to be for several days. It was there in a feverish but bored state that Philip admitted he wanted a wife. Not like he had, in name only, but someone to share the void and fill the empty moments with laughter and tenderness. Someone to sit with him when he was sick. Someone who loved him -- as he was without power or money. Someone to spend the night with and wake with a kiss in the morning. Not a mistress -- who only filled certain needs, he wanted a soul mate.
His time with the tenants and with the Richardsons had shown him what a marriage could be. Feverish, he dreamed about someone who would talk with him, challenge him, share his burdens and joys. Often that dream had dark curls and a lilting laugh. Waking with a groan Philip moaned and wept. And for the first time in many years, Philip Darcy uttered a sincere heartfelt prayer. "Oh Lord, help me fill my empty heart. Let me not seek to fill it with my desires, but fill it for me. Somehow, fill it so I might be wholly satisfied." Peacefully he drifted back to sleep.
Winter that year was harsh and the snow deep. Philip's cold had worsened and he spent many days frighteningly sick. When the danger was past, he spent his recovery time reading and thinking. He would frequently find himself remembering those moments during the fall when he had prayed. How lightened his burden felt, as if it was no longer his burden. More and more Philip was drawn to reflection and prayer, not the recitations he learned as a child, not the quiet whispers of a heart longing to be heard.
Little by little Philip became less moody, less frustrated with his life. By the time the snow melted and spring came word had begun to spread among the staff that there was something different about the master. It was more in his air than in anything he did. Mrs. Henderson described it best, he was more content than he ever had been. His attempts to explain the changes failed, it was doubtful that he even understood it. He wrote Caroline, hoping. Caroline eventually wrote back.
.........It's wonderful you found something to do this winter. I am glad you were not bored. I am happy for your change of heart. I am sure that the staff appreciate your good humour. However, I really do not wish to return home right now. In fact I am planning to visit my cousins in Bath immediately upon departing London.You will be relieved to know Clarissa has found a new love and has quite forgotten you. I have hardly seen her this winter............
Philip sighed. She didn't get it He had hoped deep in the recesses of his mind that perhaps she would fill his dreams, that she would want more than what they had. She didn't.
Posted on Saturday, 17 June 2000
As soon as he was able, Philip began to call on the tenants again. Philip was grateful James had been able to manage Pemberley while he was ill but there was still much work to be done after such a hard winter. Philip often made it a point to stop by James' house at the end of the day. They would sit outside and discuss what should be done or sometimes they would talk about something wholly unconnected with Pemberley, like music and literature.
One day when Philip stopped by, Julia came out to greet him.
"Good day sir," she called. Julia had not spoken to Mr. Darcy much since last autumn, and though James assured her that Mr. Darcy held no grudge against her, she was a bit leery around him.
Philip only noticed she was as beautiful as she had been when he first saw her in the field. Even more so he thought. The sadness in her eyes had been replaced by a look of contentment and happiness. He smiled, "Good evening ma'am. I've come to speak with your husband. Is James about?"
"No Mr. Darcy. I expect he'll be returning shortly though. The day is almost over."
"Would you mind if I waited for him? I've got something to discuss that are important."
"You may join me here. The rocking chair there is quite comfortable."
As he sat she took a deep breath and thanked him for all he had done for the Millers last year.
"I only did what was right." He said.
"No, sir. Forgive me, but not many landlords would go so far and shoulder the cost. It truly was good of you." She said this with such sincerity and kindness that Philip blushed.
He then did what most men do in such a situation, he changed the subject. "Do you often sit outside and wait for James?"
"When the weather is nice. Usually James and I sit out here together after supper and discuss things."
"I find I enjoy my conversations with James. He is very well-informed and has a good mind. I am fortunate to have him as my steward." Julia blushed at his praise of her husband. "Tell me Mrs. Richardson, what do you and James discuss?"
Julia's demeanour changed at his rudeness. "Mr. Darcy are you asking whether or not I can converse intelligently? I assure you I am also well-informed. We often discuss books, or business."
"You can read?"
"Sir, I was orphaned and poor, not stupid or uneducated."
"I'm, I'm sorry. It's just usually..." he stammered.
Julia softened her tone, "Usually the servants and tenants are ignorant or poorly educated? That it true, but is it always for the best?" she challenged.
"I don't know. I've never thought about it." Philip was perplexed. She was a fascinating woman. "Forgive me, I must ask, how is it you are so well-bred?"
Julia laughed at him. He was acting like an impertinent school boy. "My father was a school master and my mother was a very poor gentleman's daughter. There's always more to see when you look closely. Manners aren't always for the wealthy. In fact some of the worst people I've known are the richest. Ah, James is coming."
He was very glad to be relieved of his conversation with Julia Richardson. He conducted his business with James and after declining an invitation to stay for supper, rode home. In his dreams that night, he saw sparkling eyes and heard her laughing at him. Somehow it didn't bother him to be laughed at by her. Philip acknowledged that she was indeed more than just a beautiful woman. She was without artifice or flattery. Her compliments were sincere and her arguments well-reasoned. After Clarissa and Caroline, she was a breath of fresh air. Philip again thought James Richardson was a very lucky man.
Several days later Philip again stopped by the Richardsons', this time bringing a basket of bread from Mrs. Henderson and two new books from his library.
"Good evening Mrs. Richardson."
"Good evening Mr. Darcy. Visiting the tenants again?"
"Yes, this is my last stop though. I've brought some bread and these." He handed her the books.
"Mr. Darcy, these books are marvelous."
"After our last conversation I thought perhaps you and James might enjoy them."
"Thank you sir. Would you like to sit? James will be here shortly."
"Yes, I'll stay just for a bit."
And so they talked, sitting outside waiting for James to return. Philip and Julia talked about the grounds, Pemberley, he finally decided she should stop calling him 'sir'. She finally agreed to it. They traded stories about childhood and growing up, each story bringing two souls closer together. Philip shared what had happened over the winter, his awakening of faith. Julia told him she had the same beliefs.
At this point they stopped talking. They were already aware of each others pleasing attributes, her laughing eyes, his broad shoulders. But such awareness, even attractions, can be controlled and dismissed by rational adults. The danger lies when such attractions are coupled with a meeting of the mind, ideas that compliment each other, opinions that challenge and stretch each other. Situations such as this have led many couple to fall in love. Philip and Julia were indeed on the edge.
Philip left abruptly, saying it was late and he needed to be going. Julia spoke only what was polite and necessary. It was a fortnight before he would venture to return, but every night she was in his dreams.
The next visit was short. Neither felt comfortable and both spent a good deal of time looking at the ground while exchanging pleasantries. Philip left the basket of strawberries from Mrs. Henderson and Julia returned his books. Their fingers brush against one another during the exchange and both looked up. He took her hand and gazed into her eyes. She stared back at him, trembling like a deer. Neither moved away. Philip felt his heart might leap out of his chest. It pounded wildly. Slowly he pulled her toward him.
Julia smiled, and stepped back. Under his gaze of blatant adoration a beautiful blush spread across her cheeks. She took a deep breath. "Thank you for coming Mr. Darcy." Julia paused, thinking this was very difficult, "Would you care to sit? James will be here shortly." She gestured toward the rocking chairs.
Philip smiled and understood. He adored her at that moment. Though she was obviously affected by his presence, she declared her faithfulness to her husband, without embarrassing either of them.
Philip still felt it best to decline her offer, perhaps he would call again when James was there.
Julia watched him go with mixed feelings. Philip Darcy was attractive, and he was kind and generous, she thought him to be a very good man. But he was married as she was. And James was also a good, decent man. No, she would not betray her husband. She sighed, We are certain to meet again. I hope he understood what I meant. This is certainly difficult, I wish he weren't so interesting.
They did meet several days later. It was awkward. They had such an attraction for each other. It was with great difficulty that they put such feelings behind them. It was never discussed and Julia found that by thinking of him as only Mr. Darcy the master she was able to ignore her feelings. Philip was really too noble and too shy to put himself forth. Thus after a while, and with effort, the intensity of their attraction faded. By the end of the spring they were able to meet as good acquaintances.
During the summer time things changed. Philip and Julia met many times, sitting outside for short visits, becoming what might be termed friends. She challenged his ideas and opinions, questioned his business methods, and by doing so, made him work at being a better master, a better man.
Philip and Julia were determined avoid any suspicion or temptation. James was often with them and the three of them formed an odd friendship. Philip looked to them for advice and companionship. In fact, there were more raised eyebrows and rumours about the master of Pemberley being friends with his steward, than any suspicion about him and the steward's wife. It was well that Philip always went to their cottage for a visit. The gossips would have been mortified if the Richardsons had been invited to Pemberley. Truthfully, Philip just never considered the matter. He felt at home at the cottage. After a while, Philip found Julia and James were his closest, truly his only, friends. He was completely at ease in their company.
Mrs. Henderson even told the housekeeper at Lockwood that the master was always at his best after a visit with the Richardsons.
Posted on Monday, 19 June 2000
On a stifling hot day early in August, Philip received a letter from Caroline. She wrote that she expected return from Bath in a week's time. The next part of the letter shocked Philip. Caroline was not going to London for the season. Instead, she planned an extended tour of Italy. She would be accompanied by Harry Jones, Agnes Bixby, and her brother John Bixby. Jones had rented an Italian villa for a six-month.
Philip groaned in frustration. What is she thinking? This will ruin her reputation more than mine. Is she so tired of me? Or is this revenge for Clarissa? Caroline had always wanted to keep up the appearances of being marriage. A trip to Italy, for six-months, without him and in the company of another single man, would certainly send a message that their marriage was not good. The gossip mongers of London would make the most of this.
Knowing he would need to talk with Caroline about her behaviour made Philip nervous. He hated confrontation, especially with women. It was easier to just let them have their way than to deal with the tears or the rantings. Besides, he was never sure what to say. Perhaps a long ride would clear his head and help him think.
Out at the stables, Philip was waiting for his horse when Edgar came running in.
"Mr. Darcy!" He panted trying to catch his breath.
"Yes, Edgar. What!?" Philip was impatient to go. He didn't have time for silly problems.
"James Richardson collapsed." Edgar gasped.
Philip, one foot in the stirrup, froze. But only for a moment. "What! Where? GO! Bring him here and fetch the doctor!"
Edgar looked pale. "Sir there's no need. He's gone."
Philip dismounted and leaned against the stable wall. For a moment everything was still.
Edgar coughed, "Shall I see to the....?"
"Yes, yes please." Philip whispered. "Has anyone told Mrs. Richardson?"
"Yes sir. I believe Mrs. Henderson sent one of the men to fetch her right after James collapsed."
"Thank you Edgar." Philip mounted and rode hard across Pemberley's grounds. He was completely in shock. First Caroline, and in the same day his friend dies. Far away from anyone, Philip dismounted, and sat on the ground and wept.
The services for James were beautiful. Philip escorted Julia in his carriage to the service. Caroline had returned from Bath but declined to attend. Julia's Uncle Gordon delivered the eulogy. He was honoured to speak of James, his hard work, his devoted wife, and what a friend he had been to Philip. James was laid to rest next to his son.
On the way back to the cottage he asked, "Will you go stay with your aunt and uncle now?"
"I haven't given it much thought. I suppose I shall." she paused, "The cottage is my home. I will hate to leave it."
"Then stay." Philip said, "I will not turn you out. The cottage is yours for as long as you wish. I just thought perhaps you might wish to be with your family."
"My aunt and uncle are excellent people and no doubt I would be welcome but they do not need...That is they already have a houseful of children. Things would be, cramped, and I am not much for living in town."
The carriage arrived at the cottage and Philip walked Julia to the door.
"I remember sitting here with James," he said. "He was a good man, a good friend."
"Yes, he was fond of you. He told me how he would come over that hill and as the cottage came into view his heart was gladdened to see you and I waiting for him." Tears welled up in Julia's eyes. She laughed, "You know, he was glad that we were never in the house. He was worried at first, when you would call and he wasn't here, that perhaps your intentions weren't, honorable. "
"He was correct. They weren't." Philip said softly. "But I am heartily glad that I......that we, never betrayed him. I was glad to call him friend."
Julia smiled. "Come now Mr. Darcy. I prefer to discuss some other topic. May I offer you some tea?"
"Actually that would be most welcome." He told the carriage to head home, he would walk back. Julia had gone inside to prepare the tea. At the doorway Philip paused and took a seat outside.
Two weeks later, as Philip was making his usual rounds to the tenants, he found it natural to stop by and check on Julia. His knock on the door went unanswered. Gently he opened the door and called her name, "Mrs. Richardson?...Julia!"
She emerged from the back and attempted to smile. "Mr. Darcy. It's good to see you."
"I came to see how you were?" Truthfully she looked tired and downtrodden. "Can we sit?" he motioned outside.
"Are you well?" he asked.
"Yes, I am tired though."
"You are having trouble sleeping?"
"No, I'm restless. Without Mrs. Findley there is no one to talk to. I'm afraid I have taken to talking to myself."
"I believe as long as you do not get an answer there is no problem." Philip laughed.
"I answer myself." Julia admitted sheepishly.
"What happened to your housekeeper?"
"Mrs. Findley has gone to live with her elderly mother. She was so distraught after James died, she needed a rest. And I needed a rest from her mothering me. I did not realise though, how quiet things would be without her."
A breeze began to stir the hot August air and dark clouds were seen making their approach.
"It looks like it's about to rain." observed Philip. "I should go before it starts. I will stop by again soon."
Philip was only a minutes away when the sky opened up and a terrible storm came. The cottage was closer than Pemberley house for shelter, so Philip turned back. By the time he reached it a few minutes later it was hailing.
Julia gasped at his dripping frame and pulled him inside. "Philip, quickly, before you catch your death of cold." She led him to the fire and found a towel to dry him off. He began shivering as she dried his face and hair. "For heaven sake, go in the back and take off those wet things." she said as she ushered him into a back bedroom.
A glance around the room told Philip this would have been the nursery. A moment later Julia knocked on the door. "I've brought you James' dressing gown. I don't think you would fit into any of his clothes, you're much taller."
"Thank you."
"After you've changed come sit by the fire and I'll hang your things to dry."
Some time later Philip entered the room, "Here are my things." He was blushing. Julia noted that the gown was a bit short, natural since Philip was a bit tall, but other wise there was proper coverage.
"Sit down by the fire. I'll bring you some brandy to warm yourself."
Philip sat, trying to get comfortable and finally covering his lap with a nearby blanket. "I feel like the perfect picture of the doddering old uncle," he said.
Julia laughed as she hung his things by the fire. The storm outside continued to rage.
"It doesn't sound like it's planning to let up anytime soon," she said.
"NO, It's quite fierce."
They fell into an uncomfortably long silence.
"Thank you for the shelter." Philip finally said.
"You're welcome. Perhaps I should get us some supper. It's getting late."
Julia rose to prepare the meal and Philip looked around the room, noting with an odd satisfaction that the room was pleasantly furnished and very clean.
"Shall we eat here by the fire or at the table?" Julia asked.
"By all means, let us eat at the table," Philip laughed. Julia looked up and smiled as he offered her his arm. With a deep curtsy and a mocking grin she took his arm and they walked ten steps to the table.
Supper was simple and pleasant and after Julia offered Philip some brandy.
"I remember giving this to James last Christmas," he said quietly raising his glass. "To James, and to you."
Julia smiled and blushed. "I should check your clothing," she moved to the fire. "They're still damp."
Philip watched her move and savored the last of his brandy. It warmed his throat and absently he poured another glass and drank it. He watched Julia move about the room as she tidied up and took out a book. As he watched, Philip felt an ache inside, a longing that had been buried under friendship and now threatened to burst forth and destroy everything. Muttering to himself he strode to the fire and began to collect his things.
"What are you doing? Those things are still wet!" Julia cried.
"I need to go," he answered shortly.
"It's still storming and your clothes are wet." When Philip didn't respond Julia rose and faced him. "What's the matter? You can't go now, you'll get soaked and probably get sick."
"Julia, I must." Philip's hoarse voice and use of her Christian name startled her.
"I don't understand" she said softly, "What just happened?"
Philip seized her shoulders and looked into her eyes. A flicker of understanding flashed between them. Julia's eyes opened wide. She placed her hands on his chest and softly whispered, "Philip, I..."
Slowly, gently Philip leaned down to kiss her. Just before their lips met, he looked into her eyes. Julia gasped as she saw the adoration on his face, and she leaned into his kiss. Her response was more than he ever asked for. He clutched her firmly to in chest and felt her relax into his embrace.
In the wee hours of the morning, just before the sun stole in with its golden beams, Julia awoke in Philip's arm. She stretch and sighed, realising how much she really did love him. Looking over at Philip she grinned and poked him. He startled. "It would seem, my love, that the storm has subsided" she said.
"Only outside," he said as he reached for her and kissed her.
The bright morning found Julia and Philip happy to admit what they had tried to deny for so long. They loved each other. In fact they would be the first to admit, had anyone been there to ask, that everything was almost perfect.
Philip was obliged to go home early, just to keep Mrs. Henderson from mounting a rescue party. And to the staff's relief he arrived before she had a chance to put any plan into action. The day was spent attending to business, but his thoughts were on Julia. He returned to her that evening and their reunion was as joyous as if they had been separated for months and not hours.
It would be a week before Philip could again see Julia. Philip sent a message over:
Dearest Julia,Forgive me for expressing this in a letter but I am unable to get away to see you before I must go. I find myself in the unfortunate position of being summoned to London on business. My solicitor has passed away and as his son is taking over, I find must go and acquaint the son with the particulars of Pemberley. Caroline is to accompany me so we can finalize her itinerary for Italy. I do wish she would reconsider and just spend the winter in London. I expect this will become quite a scandal this year. I am glad I will be at Pemberley and with you, instead of London.
I expect to be gone little more than a week, possibly up to ten days if we are accosted by social obligations. I am planning to call on my brother and his family, whilst in town. It will be good to see them, as I have only seen my nephew twice since his birth almost two years ago. I hope they will spend Christmas at Pemberley this year, perhaps if they come I could introduce you to them, although it would be impossible for them to know you as anything other than my late steward's widow. Now that I think on it, this would not be a good idea, would it? I'm sorry darling, I forget propriety sometimes and just want you in my whole life. I do not mean to make you uncomfortable.
I long to see you and I will count the hours until I can return to your side.
Yours Ever,
Philip
Julia sat stunned as she read the missive. Her first reaction was of longing, she would miss Philip a great deal. His smile was so sweet and his eyes were so kind.
Julia had felt so happy in his presence. With him she had first experienced passion, and what falling in love was like.
It did not take long for her to realise that despite her feelings and his, they could not be together. Her thoughts were now very distressing,
his WIFE
A brother and nephew I can never meet as equals.
I am fooling myself
I could not meet them as equals anyway. I AM only the steward's widow and
I'm his MISTRESS
In just a few weeks I have sunk from being a wife of a respected man to a mistress. I cannot continue this.
But I love him.....