Posted on Friday, 13 October 2000
Authors' note: Well since it's Friday the 13th, Tabbi and I decided to write something special for it. We've been working on this story for the last month or so just to get it done on time! Hope you enjoy! :-DIt was late on a Friday night, Friday the Thirteenth to be exact, and a full moon to boot. Coleen was preparing popcorn before watching her favorite Jane Austen adaptation, Pride and Prejudice by Andrew Davies. The entire house was quiet, only the gentle hum of the refrigerator and the muffled popping of popcorn...then the phone rang. Coleen walked over to the phone, looked at her caller-ID, but it only read 'number unknown'. Frowning slightly, she picked it up, expecting it to be one of her brother's friends. Only they were stupid enough to call at this time of the night without thinking of whom it might inconvenience.
"Yeah, what do you want?" she asked rudely.
"Yes, is Mr. or Mrs. VanZanten home?" asked a nasally voice.
"NO! I killed them!" She slammed down the phone and grumbled about telemarketers and went back to making her popcorn. The phone rang again, and looking at the caller-ID box, it once again read 'number unknown'. Sighing, she picked up the phone and hollered, "WHAT?"
"Hello, this is Tina with North American Bell, would you be interested in..." the phone slammed down hard, with Coleen cursing even more loudly.
"ARGH! Damn stupid [string of censored words] GODS!" Muttering to herself, she once again went back to her popcorn, only to hear the phone ring once again. Stomping over to the phone, she picked it up and yelled into the receiver. "I DON'T NEED SIDING, OR CARPET, OR PHONE SERVICE..." Her voice was cut off by the person at the other end.
"Hello?" said a slightly strangled sounding voice.
"Yeah, I'm here. Who is this?" Coleen asked.
"Who is this?" asked the voice seductively.
Coleen snorted, "This is the Road Kill Café, what the hell do you want?"
Sniffling was heard from the caller, "I only wanted to talk," they replied in a whiny voice.
"Well then talk dammit! I have plans for tonight and you're interrupting me."
"Ok...can I ask you one question?" the caller asked timidly.
"Ask away, but that doesn't mean I'll answer."
In a throaty voice, he asked, "Who's your favorite Austen hero?"
"What? You have got to be kidding me..." The line was silent for a moment. "Well duh, Wentworth of course! There's just no argument...now when it comes to minor characters, Colonel Fitzwilliam outranks them all..." she would have continued with her tirade, except the caller hung up. Looking at the receiver, she mumbled something about rude callers, hot cooking oil, and a cattle prod...(but we won't ask, ok? Ok then)
The phone rang again, and Coleen answered with a snooty British accent. "Yes'm?"
"Why do you like the men in uniform so much? What's wrong with Darcy? He seems to be the favorite of everyone."
"Yeah, well I'm not everyone. And who is this?"
"Just your local cultural technician." Came the reply.
"Uh huh, sure you are. Get a life, jerk off." With that Coleen hung up one more time. She turned around quickly as she smelled her popcorn burning. Running to the kitchen, she grabbed it off the stove, burning her hand in the process, and ended up flinging it across the room where it hit the cat and sent him scurrying away with a yowl. Calling out an apology to the poor animal, she turned around to clean up her mess. And came face to face with another person, wearing a costume like the killer in scream.
So she did as the movie title suggested...she screamed. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The intruder, startled, then yelled in her face. Coleen began coughing and choking, waving her hand in front of her. Reaching into her jean pocket, she brought out a familiar looking box.
With a wheezing breath, she asked, "Tic Tac?"
"Pardon?" the intruder asked. "What is a Tic-Tac?"
Coleen blinked in surprise. How could anyone not know what a Tic-Tac was? "Who are you?" The stranger pulled off his costume and posed dramatically. She rubbed her eyes and took a closer look at the person who had broken into her home. He was a horrible dresser... "Who are you?" she demanded again.
The stranger fluffed up his hair and bowed. "Mr. Yates at your service, madam!"
Just the then the front door crashed open and Tabbi came rushing in wielding a chainsaw. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" she laughed maniacally. Coleen and Yates jumped back in horror. "HEY WOMAN!" Tabbi yelled over the noise of the chainsaw, "I'VE BROUGHT BACK YOUR CHAINSAW!"
"I CAN SEE THAT!" Coleen replied.
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU?" Tabbi shouted.
"TURN OF THE FREAKING CHAINSAW SO YOU CAN HEAR ME!" Coleen yelled back.
"WHAT? HOLD ON A SEC! I'LL TURN OFF THE FREAKING CHAINSAW SO I CAN HEAR YOU!" She turned off the machine and tossed out the door and onto the ground. "Now what were you..." Her eyes widened as she caught sight of the man standing with Coleen.
"Who is that?" she demanded. "And where did he get such fugly clothing?"
"He says his name's Mr. Yates."
"Excuse me!" Yates said with an offended look, "but we are not here to discuss my clothing, which happens to be of the latest fashion and of a very good quality! I have come here for a reason!"
"Oh yeah? And what would that be?" Tabbi sneered.
"Ummmmmmmm... Uhhhhhhh..." Yates scratched his head. "Oh yes! I am supposed to take you back with me armed with a... what is it called? Oh! A laptop computer so you can change a story called Pride and Prejudice. Apparently the Elders want you to change it and they have chosen you to do it."
Coleen and Tabbi looked at each other before asking in unison, "Then why the hell did they send you?" They looked at each other and yelled, "GET OUT OF MY NUGGET! AAAAAAAACK!"
Yates looked at them strangely before replying, "How should I know? I am only following orders."
"Well Col?" Tabbi asked her friend, "you wanna do it?"
Coleen grinned wickedly. "Why not? But I think we want to grab a few supplies first."
"I was just thinking the same thing!"
After about a half-hour the girls equipped with a laptop computer, a few cases of beer and strawberry daiquiris, and some Nutella.
"Alrighty then!" Tabbi exclaimed. "Let's give P&P a makeover! AHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"
Yates walked over to Coleen's basement door and rapped on it three times before opening it. Beyond was a swirling portal leading into the unknown. "After you ladies!" he said with another bow.
Tabbi looked at the swirling portal with trepidation. "Uh, I hate to tell you this, Yatey baby, but...um I get motion sickness. I ain't goin' in there!" Tabbi crossed her arms and wore a stubborn expression.
Yates gasped. "But you have to!! The Elders have chosen you, it is your destiny."
"All right, Darth Yater, I don't have to do anything I don't wanna do! This is America for crying out loud, I have my rights! I'll call up Jesse Jackson, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, and Malcolm X as my defense...we'll go before the Supreme Court, and..."
"Uh woman," Coleen interrupted, "Do you realize that, out of four civil rights activists you named, three of them are dead?" she pointed out logically.
Tabbi glared, "Yeah so! Haven't you heard of mediums? Gods... AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Tabbi screamed as Coleen pushed her through the doorway, with the laptops, booze, and Nutella right behind. Then Coleen and Yates followed.
Tabbi landed with a thud, and tried to sit up only to be crushed under the above mentioned items and people. Gasping for air, she said, "Get offfff of me."
Once everyone was standing, Yates looked around, and said, "Now where in tar nation did that carriage go to? I know I stashed it around here somewhere. AHA!" He pointed to a copse of trees where a carriage was well concealed. "All right, come on! We have to hurry before it is too late."
"Too late for what?" Coleen asked. "I mean, I know in a moment of sanity we agreed to help you, but why such a big hurry to change it?"
Wide-eyed Yates stared at the girls in shock, "You mean you do not know?"
Arching their eyebrows, they merely looked at him.
"Ugh! He said he had contacted you, why I trusted a brainless twit like Frank Churchill with such a mission..." his ramblings continued all the way to the carriage. He did not notice that both Tabbi and Coleen still stood where they had landed, watching him with amusement.
"Doesn't he simply look ridiculous with those curls on his head? Makes me want to pluck one of them out of place to send him into a fit," Tabbi whispered to Coleen. They both laughed gleefully at this mental image, until Yates shouted from across the field. "YEAH YEAH WE'RE COMING! DON'T GET YOUR HAIR IN A TWIST!"
After packing everything onto the carriage, they were on their way. It was a very quiet trip since the ladies were in chat with fellow Dwiggies, laughing at some comment or joke. Yates simply watched them, lost in quiet contemplation. The carriage slowed to a crawl, then stopped completely. Looking up from their screens, they asked Yates what was happening.
"I do not know. Hold on one moment." He leapt out of the carriage and talked with the driver a few moments before poking his head back in. "Well we seem to be a crossroad. He is not sure which way to take. Perhaps you ladies could help?"
Grinning, they quickly said their good-byes to everyone in chat, and left the carriage. Once they were out, they stared at the road signs in astonishment. One said, 'Safety Drive' the other 'Insanity Lane'.
"Hmmmmmm, yes I can see the dilemma. Quite a hard choice if I do say so myself." Coleen stated. "What is your opinion on this one, Tabbi?"
Smirking, she replied, "Do you even have to ask?"
"All right then, Insanity it is! Forward Ho, boys!"
A loud snort came from ahead of them and they turned to face none other than Miss Lydia Bennet herself. "Did someone call my name? Oh, I do hope it was a redcoat! Say, you all seem to be a merry bunch! Are you going to a ball? Oh, how I long for a ball..."
Yates, Tabbi, and Coleen screamed in horror, turned and raced for the carriage, tripping over each other in their haste. The door was still hanging open when Tabbi yelled, "QUICK MAN, GET OUT OF HERE!!!"
The startled driver snapped his whip and off they went down Insanity Lane.
The carriage careened down the road, barely able to stay upright. The passengers where tossed about like salad inside the carriage and the driver was hanging on for dear life. The wild ride went on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
"Is this thing ever gonna stop!" Tabbi screeched. "Owwwwwwww... my bum and my heeeeaaaad!"
"I think it's like the law of inertia or something!" Coleen yelled.
Tabbi glared at her friend. "No I do not have a hernia! Whatever gave you that stupid idea?"
"Not hernia! INERTIA!"
"I AM TRYING TO LAY INERT BUT IT'S NOT WORKING!"
"NO! NO! NO! NOT INERT! INERTIA! INERTIA!"
"OK OK YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL! NOW WHAT THE HECK IS YOUR POINT ABOUT INERTIA?"
Coleen looked confused for a moment and then said, "I don't know what my point was... Ohhhhh yeeeeaaaah! Something about once something is motion it stays that way until it crashes into something else..."
Tabbi's eyes widened. "You had to say that didn't you?" she said accusingly.
"Say what? I did not understand half of what she was saying." Yates said. He was thoroughly confused but then that's not far from his natural state of mind. Just then the horses somehow became detached from the carriage as it was going around a bend in the road. It ran off the road and down a steep hill, gaining speed as it went along.
Coleen managed to take a peep out the window before screaming, "Everyone down now!" The trio just had time to duck as the carriage crashed into the wall of a house. It split open like an eggshell and they all went flying in different directions.
It took Tabbi several minutes to recover from her short flight but once she did, she was on her feet and standing over Coleen. The next quarter of an hour was filled with incoherent shrieking, screaming, and cursing all of which shall not be repeated here for the sake of the children. Finally after screeching to her heart's content, Tabbi took a deep breath and looked about her. "Where are we?" she asked the other two.
"How the heck should I know?" Coleen said. "I've never been here before." Both ladies then looked at Yates.
He stared up at the house and scratched his head. "It looks familiar..." he said.
Suddenly a garish orange and pink neon sign dropped in front of the house, blinking on and off. It read "Netherfield."
Both Coleen and Tabbi shuddered involuntarily. "Gods that is the most horrid thing I have ever seen! Definitely Caroline Bingley-ish." Tabbi stated.
"Eeeeeh," Coleen added. Tabbi began looking for the switch to turn it off, and after a few minutes of searching, was unable to find it. In a moment of disgust, she yanked the sign off the wall and tossed it to the side...which is exactly where Yates happened to be standing.
"Ooooooooowwwwwww," He wailed pathetically. "You hurt my leg."
"Aahhh, shaddap before I give you sumtin ta wine abute!" Tabbi threatened. "Now then, we're here to write a story! So let's get busy people!" With that, she marched up to the door and pounded loudly on it. "HELLO IN THAR! IS ANYBODY HOME?"
When nobody came to the door, she shrugged, and then grabbing the handle tried opening the door. However, not expecting it to open so easily, she swung a little harshly sending the door smashing loudly against something inside.
"Uh... Did I do that?" she asked in a nasally voice.
Coleen snickered and pushed her way inside. Looking around the door, she spotted a beautifully carved wooden table that now had a huge dent in the side, and the vase that had been sitting on it was smashed on the floor next to it. "Oh, good going woman. That vase was probably worth a fortune."
"Oh well, nobody's home anyway. Besides, look at it...maroon, dark orange, and olive green? UGH. I think I did the world a favor. Now we really should get to writing. Where should we set up?" Tabbi asked.
Before Coleen could answer, Yates spoke up. "I already have a room set up for you two. If you will walk this way?" He started off down the foyer, chest puffed out and swaggering arrogantly. Arching their respective eyebrows, the girls puffed out their chest, and began swaggering after him. Yates reached the door, opened it and turned to let the ladies enter, noticing how they were walking. "What are you two doing now?" he asked in exasperation.
"You told us to walk this way, so we are," Coleen retorted. Both girls fluttered their eyes at Yates as they entered the room. At one end of the room a warm fire burned in welcome. A desk was set up near the fire, with three chairs in front of it. Other than that, the entire room was bare. "My, isn't it...spacious in here. Harumph, let's go bring our junk in here and get busy."
Fifteen minutes later, the girls sat in front of their laptops, rearranging their areas the way they wanted them. Yates sat between them, watching expectantly, but neither girl made a move to start typing. Instead they kept pouring each other drinks, and eating Nutella. They had it spread all over the place, their hands, faces, keyboards, and beer glasses. They began singing Irish drinking song at the top of their lungs, much to the horror of Yates. But when they began yodeling he interrupted. "Excuse me! Ladies, could we please begin?"
Many giggling and loud belches later, the girls settled down and stared at the screens.
And kept staring...
"Hmm, woman, I'm not feeling in a very funny mood right now. And it's awfully quiet in here. We need some music!" Tabbi exclaimed.
"Yeah! Hey, Yates, we need some tunes man! And some CD's!" Coleen ordered.
"But...but time is wasting! You have not done a thing, yet. I do not even know what seedies are...I can play the piano for you if you would like." He moved to get up.
"NO! We need real music...Like Queen, Madonna, Savage Garden...here we'll make you a list and just go back to the "Elders" as you call them. They'll either get what we want or we don't do it." Coleen threatened.
"All right, all right. Yeesh. Wait a minute, how do I get to them? The horses are gone!" Yates said.
"Well, get ta steppin'!" Tabbi said imperiously.
"What? Do you realize how far that is?" he yelled.
"Hey, we can just as easily go back home now, you know." Tabbi yelled back. "Don't make me open a can of Whoop @$$ on ya!"
Grumbling to himself, Yates made his way out the door, slamming it behind him.
"Ah, peace at last from that idiot." They both laughed. "Hey, it's hot in here, wanna go outside for a bit?" They grabbed their laptops and booze, and stumbled out the door. Making their way to a grassy spot, they plopped down ungraciously, and began typing away, stopping only to refill their beer glasses and eat more Nutella.
Two hours later...
The sound of a carriage and feminine giggling broke through Coleen's dream. Shivering slightly from the cold air, she curled up trying to keep warm, when a familiar voice had her eyes popping open.
"Come along Caroline, if we do not leave now, your brother will wake and stop our journey to Gretna Green." A masculine voice whispered loudly.
"I cannot leave without my favorite feathered hat, it was all the rage in London and I want to wear it to our wedding." Caroline whined.
"I shall buy you a new one. Let us just leave...now, I cannot wait one more moment to be with you my most beautifully orange duckface." The man whispered urgently.
At this, Coleen sat up and smacked Tabbi, who woke up instantly, ready to yell at whoever had committed the crime. Coleen hissed, "Shh...listen."
"Oh, Mr. Darcy. I knew you loved me the whole time. Those silly words about Miss Bennet's fine eyes were just to throw me off." A muffled sound and then silence.
"What's going on? I can't see a blasted thing, woman." Tabbi whispered.
"I don't know...what the hell did we write?" Coleen grabbed her laptop and stared at the screen in horror. "Oh, no."
"What?" Tabbi snatched the computer and gasped. "Oh my gods..." She stopped as the carriage raced away from Netherfield. "We married DARCY TO CAROLINE! But how...WHY!"
A balding midget, with stubble and a cigar hanging from his mouth, wearing a diaper and his beer belly hanging over it, tapped the girls on the shoulder.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH," they both yelled in his face.
Grimacing, he took the cigar from his mouth and said, "Now, why did you do that for?"
"Who're you?" they asked in unison.
"Cupid, what does it look like," He belched and scratched his hairy chest.
Tabbi snorted, "Yeah right, pull the other leg."
"No, really. I'm the one who made those two dolts fall in love. I'm here to collect my fee." He pulled out a flask and gulped down what smelled like whiskey.
Coleen and Tabbi looked at each other in horror. "You did whaaaaa?" Col shrieked.
"I made them fall in love like you ladies wrote," he replied.
"But we didn't mean it!" Tabbi yelled. "We were drunk!"
Cupid shrugged and said, "I just do what I'm told ladies. That comes to $500."
"WHAT?" Coleen shrieked even louder. "FOR ONE SIMPLE LOVE CASE? THAT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY! I WON'T PAY THAT!"
"Actually you hired me for two cases," Cupid replied, pulling out a notebook. He flipped it open. "Let's see here... Ah ha! Yes here it is. Two women named Coleen and Tabbi hired me for pairing off one Caroline Bingley and Fitzwilliam Darcy and one Elizabeth Bennet and William Collins."
"WHAT?" Both ladies rushed over to the computer and scrolled through their story. They gasped in horror and backed slowly away from the laptop. "Oh my gods," Tabbi said. "The Dwiggies are gonna kill us..." Suddenly they heard a loud rattling noise. The two women whirled around just in time to see a horrifying spectacle pass.
A gig raced down the road with Dawkins whipping the horses feverishly. Elizabeth sat in Mr. Collin's lap, her arms about his neck, and gazing adoringly into his eyes. The toad oozed grease upon her and leered down the front of her dress. Just as they passed the two authoresses, they kissed passionately.
Coleen gagged loudly and passed out while Tabbi, pale and trembling turned to Cupid and said, "You have to change this despicable situation... NOW!"
Cupid shrugged. "Sure. That's another $500."
"Are you CRAZY? We can't pay that!"
"Suit yourself. But you still owe me the five hundred for the first job."
Tabbi narrowed her eyes shrewdly. "Well what if I said I don't have the money for that either! Then you'd have to go back and undo your work! HA!" She smirked triumphantly. Maybe there was an easy way out of this situation after all. She was surprised when he shook his head and started pulling out an arrow.
"That's not how it works lady. I used to lose a lot of money that way," Cupid said. He strung the arrow on his bow and aimed it at Tabbi. "Now how would you like to chase after that fop that brought you here."
"You mean Yates?"
"COLEEN WAKE UP NOW!" Tabbi screeched, kicking her friend in the gut.
Coleen opened her eyes irritably and said, "What do you want now? I was having a wonderful dream about me and Colonel Fitzwilliam playing 'Follow the Leader' and you just had to wake me up..."
"WILL YOU SHUT UP! CUPID HERE IS GONNA PAIR ME OFF WITH YATES IF WE DON'T PAY HIM!"
Coleen stood up quickly and glared at Cupid. "You wouldn't!" she said in a threatening voice.
"Try me," Cupid replied. "And after I'm through with your friend, I have one for you! There's a Mr. Rushworth who just divorced his wife and I hear he's very lonely. You'd be just perfect for him."
Coleen gaped in horror and then reached for her wallet. "Do you take MasterCard?" she asked.
"What Cupid in his right mind wouldn't?" the bald man snorted.
"Don't forget about my frequent flyer miles," Coleen said as they settled the account. She smirked at Tabbi. "I almost have enough to fly across the state!"
Tabbi rolled her eyes. "Real nice woman. But can you keep your mind from wandering for a bit. What are we gonna do about Darcy and Elizabeth?"
Coleen turned and looked at the laptop speculatively. "Well I suppose we could fix it by re-writing it..." she said. Suddenly her eyes lit up. "I know! I brought a copy of Pride and Prejudice with me! All we have to do is type it in and it'll be fixed." She rushed over to the bag they had carried the booze and Nutella in and went through it. "Ah ha!" she said, holding it up triumphantly, "I found it!"
"Let me see it," Tabbi said, snatching the book from Col's hands. She flipped through it and her face paled. "Uh, woman, I don't think it's gonna work..."
"Because it's changed to what we wrote."
Coleen gasped and took the book back. After turning several pages, she looked up and said, "You're right! What are we gonna do now?"
Tabbi sighed and opened her purse. "Well there goes the diamond toothbrush I was saving up for..." she said as she pulled out her credit card and handed it to Cupid.
Coleen arched and eyebrow. "Diamond toothbrush?"
Tabbi shrugged. "I wanted to get my dogs something nice for Christmas."
"Oh. I see..." Suddenly a thought hit Coleen's brain and rattled around in there for a minute before settling down. She turned to Cupid and asked, "Are you gonna be able to catch up with the retchy couples before they reach Gretna Green?"
"Maybe. Does it matter?" he replied.
"You bet your booty it does!" Coleen said. She turned to Tabbi and said, "You go with him to make sure the job's done right. I'm gonna stay here. I can write in some obstacles to throw in the couples' way and hopefully slow them down. And I'll get into chat and pick the other Dwiggies' brains to see how much of the original wording to Pride and Prejudice they can remember. Maybe we can get it written back to the original story."
Tabbi nodded. "Good idea. Can you write us in a carriage or a car maybe?"
Col sat down at the laptop and tapped at the keyboard. A dark blue BMW convertible that looked suspiciously like one out of a James Bond movie suddenly appeared in the lane. Tabbi let out a yelp of glee, ran and jumped into the driver's seat. "Thanks woman!" she yelled while she fiddled with the radio. Suddenly Jay-Z's Can I Get A... came blasting out of the speakers. Tabbi turned the bass up and started bouncing along with it. "Come on Cupid!" she called over the music, "Let's get a move on! Time's a passing!"
Cupid looked up at the sky and yelled, "Are you trying to punish me up there?" He sighed in resignation and then made his way to the car. Almost as soon as he was inside, Tabbi floored it, spraying gravel everywhere. Coleen watched as the car roared down the lane, then turned to the computer and got to work.
"HEY, DO YOU MIND TURNING THAT DOWN A BIT?" yelled Cupid.
"WHAT?" Tabbi screamed in response then went back to shrieking along with the lyrics.
Sighing to himself, Cupid pulled out a pair of earplugs. Mumbling to himself about disrespectful youngun's now a days, he relaxed into the seat and closed his eyes. Eventually he fell asleep as the BMW roared down the streets of Meryton. Unfortunately the loud screaming and thumping that made the windows rattle would wake the rest of the Meryton residents. Later on, nobody would be able to account for exactly what they had seen. It would be the first recorded close encounter of the third kind...or at least that's what they thought (and maybe they were right!)
Tabbi began flipping through the channels looking for some upbeat music. Coming across Madonna's Vogue, Tabbi began vogueing along with the music, her hands completely off the wheel.
The headlights shone ahead, illuminating a group of about five gentlemen riding their horses down the road. At this exact moment Cupid woke up, staring ahead through sleepy eyes, and noticed the horsemen in front of them. Grabbing the wheel in terror, he turned it harshly, sending the car flying down a hill and into a field.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," they both shrieked as they bounced through the field and eventually came to a stop in a watering hole. Cupid blinked as water splashed him in the face and sat shaking for a few moments. Tabbi began moaning loudly.
Then she started yelling at Cupid, "WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT FOR, YOU FREAKING MORON! AAAAAARGGGGGH ARE YOU STUPID OR WHAT? I WOULD HAVE STOPPED!" She took a deep breath and surveyed the damage. "Aww man, look at my brand new car! RUINED! And all because of those stupid horsemen and a drunk CUPID! Now how the heck are we going to get to Gretna Green?" she wailed loudly. The before mentioned horsemen came galloping after them, not exactly sure what it was that had almost plowed them over, but concerned about it's passengers.
The leader pulled his mount to a stop and looked down at the frustrated duo. "Pardon me, Sir...Miss, may we be of assistance?" Tabbi swung around to face the man, ready to exact retribution, "WHO THE HECK ARE YOU? AND WHY WERE YOU IN MY WAY!"
"We're the Regency Power Rangers, ma'am." He said with an arrogant tone.
Tabbi stifled a laugh as best she could, and bit her lip. She glanced away and inhaled slowly before turning back toward them. But one look at the men's serious faces set her off into galls of laughter. Practically hanging over the side of the door, she pounded against the side, her ribs aching from laughing so hard. The gentlemen looked offended and ready to leave when she finally looked up and wiped the tears from her eyes.
Sniffing disdainfully, the leader asked, "May I inquire to what was so funny, ma'am?"
Coughing slightly, Tabbi assumed the best innocent expression she could come up with, which looked more like she had swallowed a live fish on accident than that of innocence. "Nothing, nothing at all, just a...um, inside joke. Ahem, yes. Well, then, you...uh Power Rangers can help us out of this right?"
Half an hour later, Tabbi, Cupid, and the gentlemen had the car pulled out of the waterhole, but there was no saving the car. The spark plugs were wet and it didn't look like it was going to start any time soon. The gentleman, curious about the new contraption, decided to explore more while Tabbi and Cupid were drying off by the fire. Glancing at the gentlemen who were enraptured by the car, an idea came to her. Sliding closer to Cupid, she whispered, "We have to get going or we'll never catch them in time. I think we should take two of their horses, the chestnut horse and the white horse... they're packs are the largest, which probably means there is food. What do you think?"
"I ain't ridin' no horse! I don't know how. Besides which, horses are slow." Cupid glared.
"It's better than walking. Come on Cupid, we have to get to Gretna Green before Darcy, Caroline, Collins, and Lizzy do." Tabbi pleaded.
Slumping in defeat, Cupid mumbled his agreement. While the men were looking at the engine, Tabbi and Cupid snuck away, making their way quietly to the saddled horses. They led the horses away as quickly and quietly as possible, mounting them about fifty yards away and galloped off toward Gretna Green.
Meanwhile, back at Netherfield...
Coleen was typing furiously trying to fix as much as she could of Pride and Prejudice but only two people were in chat, and much of the text was missing.
"HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Coleen typed into the chat screen. "I need as many quotes, scenes, etc that you two can remember from PandP. I have to retype it all from memory...Tabbi and I changed it, and I can't find the original anywhere!"
"WHAT? YOU ERASED PandP THE ORIGINAL!" Tiki accused. "HOW?"
"It's a long story and I'll tell you everything when I have it fixed, but now I have to hurry and change it before Caroline Bingley and Darcy get married, and before Lizzy and Collins get married!"
Tiki and Mosylu began typing anything they could think to remember, but after an hour, were still missing quite a bit of the text. With a heartfelt thanks to Tiki and Mosylu, she began filling in what she could, and from vague memory worked on fixing the rest
Twenty miles ahead of Tabbi and Cupid...
Caroline stared out the window of the carriage. Darcy had long since fallen asleep, leaving her alone to her thoughts...which were few and far between so time passed slowly for her. A sign ahead caught her attention and pulling down the glass, she stuck her head outside to get a better look.
[Gretna Green - 45 miles]
Sighing with disgust, she leaned back into the carriage, bumping her feathered hat on the window, and knocked it out of the carriage. She began hollering loudly to the driver to stop for her hat, but the confounded man wouldn't listen. Looking around frantically, she noticed a cord on the other side of the carriage. A sign next to it said, [Emergency Stop], and since Caroline considered this an emergency she lunged for the cord immediately. The carriage ground to a halt, shocking Darcy out of sleep, and sending Caroline face first into the side of the carriage.
Too concerned about the condition of her favorite hat, she quickly stood and launched herself out of the carriage. Unable to see anything, she tripped over a rock and tumbled down a steep hill.
Back at Netherfield...
Coleen laughed maniacally as Caroline rolled down the hill. "TAKE THAT DUCKFACE!" she yelled gleefully. She added a herd of stampeding cattle, a violent thunderstorm, a thousand lemmings on a rampage, and line of chorus dancers into the mix. "That should hold them for a while," Col grumbled. "Now to stop Elizabeth and Collins..." She narrowed her eyes and began typing.
52 and 1/2 miles from Gretna Green...
Elizabeth listened dreamily to Collins's description of Lady Catherine's back staircase, which was eminently suitable for a servant in that household. She sighed happily for soon she too, would be a grade-A bootlicker. They were riding along swimmingly when all of a sudden, Dawkins disappeared only to be replaced by an angry lemming (What's with Coleen's obsession with lemmings anyway? Dare we ask?). It drove the gig straight into a tree, causing Collins to fly through the air and crashing into the tree. Unfortunately for him, his head got stuck in a large hole, which also happened to serve as a bee's nest. He screamed loudly as the angry buggers started to sting his face. Elizabeth watched in horror as her beloved struggled to free himself but did not make a move to help him. Why not? Well because she was allergic to bee stings, silly!
Elizabeth jumped as something tapped her on the leg. She looked down and was amazed to see a small, pudgy, yellow bear, wearing a red T-shirt, looking up at her. "Is he going to be done soon?" it asked, pointing at the squirming Collins. "I would like to eat my supper."
"Who... What... are you?" Elizabeth asked in astonishment.
"Forgive me," the bear replied. "I am Winnie the Pooh." He bowed slightly. "Now is that man going to hog all the honey or no?"
"I don't know... I believe he is stuck."
"Well then I'll help him!" Pooh waddled over to Collins and began tugging on one of his legs. This caused the toad to panic and he began flailing his legs about, one of which caught Pooh in the face and knocked him over. The bear jumped to his feet in rage. "ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE HOGGING MY HONEY! I'LL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH POOH!" His eyes turned blood red and he began foaming at the mouth. "ROOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!" And with that, he leaped onto Collins and began chewing on the toad's bum.
Elizabeth screamed in terror and then did what any sensible person would do when confronted by a rabid Pooh... She ran away.
Back at Netherfield... AGAIN...
Col was still slaving away at the computer. She blinked wearily at the screen. Over the last few hours Dwiggies who were pretty sure they had the novel memorized had bombarded her with messages on the Tea Room, in chat and by several Instant Messengers. There had been some contradictions and she had taken no small amount of abuse but the story just needed a few finishing touches but it was done. She clicked "Save", opened up another file and typed in that. A black Pontiac Thunderbird T-Top appeared outside the door. Now all she had to do was to get Tabbi to edit and then they could post it on the Guild. Very soon all would be well. She closed up the laptop and ran outside to the car. She jumped into the driver's seat, popped Eminem's Marshal Mathers LP into the CD player and cranked up the volume. She shifted into gear and sped away from Netherfield.
Sill 52 and 1/2 miles from Gretna Green...
Tabbi and Cupid rode their horses at a gallop along the road. Suddenly something caught Tabbi's eye and she reigned in so suddenly that her horse reared, dumping her onto the ground. She would have given the horse a piece of her mind but she was too busy laughing. Cupid looked down at her and asked, "What's so funny?"
Tabbi tried to choke out an answer but every time she tried, she burst out laughing. Finally reduced to helpless snorting, she pointed off to her left. There was Collins, still stuck in a tree, with a rabid Pooh attached to his bum.
Tabbi was too busy to notice the person approaching in the distance, but soon he stood over her with an angry expression on his face. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked up to see Yates glaring at her accusingly. Taking a deep, calming breath, she stood up and arched an eyebrow at him. "What's yer problem?"
"YOU!" he screamed in her face, pointing his finger toward the sky. Tabbi looked up, but not seeing anyone, asked, "You, who? I don't see anyone up there."
"ARGH! YOU, YOU! That's who! YOU MADE ME WALK ALL THAT WAY FOR NO REASON WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY CHANGED THE STORY!"
"Ooooh, well I don't see the stuff we requested, so why should I believe that you even went to the Elders...whoever they may be." Tabbi challenged. A shrill scream split the air as Pooh took a hefty chunk out of Collin's bum. Frowning slightly, Tabbi looked at Cupid, "Hey, don't just sit there on the horse, get him out of the tree. We have another marriage to stop!"
Yates continued to splutter, but Tabbi was impatient to catch up with Darcy and Caroline. She walked over to where Cupid was trying to pull off the rabid Pooh with no success. "What is the problem? He's just a stupid toy bear, for crying out loud."
"Oh, yeah? Well, Miss Perfect, let's see you get him off!" Cupid grumbled, then yelled at Pooh bit his hand. "Why, you vicious little bugger!" With that Cupid shot Pooh in the bum with an arrow.
"Owwww, that hurt." Pooh sniffled, then turned to face the culprit, but his eyes settled on Yates. A dazed expression crossed his face, and he launched himself into Yates' arms. "Oh, my precious dove, never before have my eyes beheld such a beautiful sight as your curls." Pooh made a cooing sound and fluttered his eyelashes.
Yates blushed becomingly and walked off down the road with Pooh in his arms.
"Well if that isn't the most nauseating thing I have ever seen!" Tabbi shuddered, and turned to Cupid who shrugged and drank some more whiskey. "Well, let's get toad boy out of the tree and let's get going."
It took them fifteen minutes before they finally got Collins fat head out of the hole. His entire face was swollen and lumpy from bee stings, and his eyes were mere slits. The best part about the entire ordeal is that his mouth was also swollen...he couldn't talk. Sending a silent prayer to the gods...or perhaps this time to Coleen for putting him in that predicament, Tabbi headed for her horse, but was interrupted by the sound of a car horn.
There sat Coleen in a Thunderbird, Eminem blasting from the radio, and motioning them over.
"Hey, what's up?" Tabbi asked.
"Well, I've stalled Darcy and Caroline for now, but I'm sure she's probably crawling out of the ravine as we speak...("Ravine?" Tabbi questioned.) Yes, ravine, long story. I'll tell you later, but we've got to catch up now before they reach Gretna Green!"
"Well stop blabbering then and let's go after them!" Tabbi turned and yelled to Cupid. "Come on you freak! You still have work to do!"
"Yeah, yeah I'm coming," Cupid grumbled.
The two climbed into the car with much arguing and shoving. Tabbi finally rode shotgun after using a hot poker on Cupid. Coleen shifted the car into gear and they sped off down the road.
"Wait!" Tabbi yelled at Coleen, "We forgot Collins!"
"Well we need him-he's part of the plan."
Col sighed and put the car in reverse. As she backed down the road at high speed, she caught sight of Collins standing out in the open, looking around stupidly. She grinned wickedly and aimed right for him. He had just whipped his head around to see the Thunderbird barreling down at him, when the car bumped into him and sent him flying. Col popped the trunk open, and the toad landed neatly into the back. Tabbi jumped out, shut Collins inside the trunk, and jumped back into the car.
"Floor it woman!" Tabbi shouted over the sounds of Collins kicking and screaming from inside the trunk.
As they raced down the road, Coleen purposely drove over every pothole and bump she could find, grinning when she heard yelps of pain from the thing in the trunk. They had been driving for fifteen minutes when Tabbi caught sight of Elizabeth running down the road. "Hey woman! Slow down and I'll rope Elizabeth in! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW! RIDE 'EM COWBOY!" Well ride wasn't exactly what she said but we won't get into that since the censors wouldn't like it... She pulled out her lasso and threw it around Elizabeth as they passed by. Tabbi was so caught up in the moment that after she reeled the poor lady in, she hog-tied her, and was about to brand her before Cupid whacked her upside the head. "Hey what'd you do that for?" Tabbi asked indignantly. "How about I brand you?"
Cupid eyed the brand. "Uh no thanks. But that's Elizabeth you got there. If you wanna brand someone, do it to Collins."
"Hmmmmmmm... Good idea..."
"No," Coleen said. "Don't even think about it."
"Awwwwwwwwwww... Why not? Come on Coleen! Don't be such a party pooper!"
"First off, I am NOT going to let that thing out of the trunk and secondly we don't have time. Darcy and Caroline are probably at Gretna Green right now!"
"Well why didn't you say so in the first place?"
Col gave her a strange look. "You're writing this story too! You should know where we are!"
The rest of the trip was spent in silence... well that is nobody talked since they couldn't hear over the FREAKIN' RADIO! They reached Gretna Green in one piece (well in body at least, who knows about the mind... And don't say Freud... Col will go nuts! AAAACK FREUD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DIE YOU PATHETIC %@$#^#! Uhhhhhh... Yeah... Back to the story.) Now where were we? Oh yeah Gretna Green.
Tabbi, Coleen, Cupid, and Elizabeth all raced into the church to behold the most horrifying sight... Caroline and Darcy wore bright orange and pea-green matching bridal outfits. Yes, Darcy was in a dress-and he looked very becoming in it... Too bad we couldn't say the same for Caroline. The priest was just saying, "If anyone knows why this man and woman cannot be joined together in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."
"Piece?" Tabbi asked confusedly, "What piece? I don't have a piece! Do you have a piece? Piece of pie? Pie in the sky? I believe I can fly!" Tabbi burst into song. "I believe I can touch the sky! Think about it every night and day! Spread my wings and fly..." *
"All right that's enough!" Col yelled at her. "Sheesh... Dumb@$$." She cleared her throat and proclaimed grandly, "I OBJECT!"
"Hear, hear!" the others yelled. "Or is it here, here? Ah whatever."
Caroline and Darcy had been dreamily gazing at one another and had not stopped even through the commotion. Cupid pulled out a hate arrow and shot Darcy in the bum with it. The change was immediate and almost comic. His eyes widened in horror when he beheld the duckface before him. He screamed and dropped her hands only then to notice what he was wearing before he screamed again and ripped the dress off. He was left only standing in a black negligee and stockings. Eeeeeeeeeeh...
Then just to insure that nothing else went wrong, Tabbi dragged Elizabeth over to Darcy and had Cupid shoot them full of arrows while Coleen held Caroline back. Romantic music played in the background as Darcy and Elizabeth embraced each other in slow motion and kissed passionately. Not wanting to waste any more time, they ran to the priest and married immediately.
"Ok! Now bring out the Collins," Tabbi called to Coleen.
Coleen finished gagging and binding Caroline before running out to the car. How she got Collins into the church is something you don't wanna know... Let's just say it wasn't pretty. Well it wasn't that so get your minds out of the gutter. Sometimes you people disappoint us. And on that day also, Caroline and Collins were married in only what could be considered a shotgun wedding-Tabbi and Col held them at gunpoint. It was the first interspecies marriage recorded in history. What would the progeny of a peacock and a toad look like? Ewwwwwwwwwwww...
Now you would think that's the end, right? WRONG!
Coleen and Tabbi huddled behind a pew, shivering in fear, as Darcy and Elizabeth searched for them. "Come out, come out wherever you are!" Darcy said. "I don't want to hurt you! I just wanna talk..."
Col looked at the bullwhip in his hands and whispered to Tabbi, "Suuuuuurrrrreeeee... And I'm Barbie. Teehee!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Tabbi whispered back. "On the count of three we'll make a run for it." She peeked out to see if the coast was clear. "Ok ready? One... Two... Three!"
The girls jumped up and ran towards the door. They heard Darcy shout and knew they were being chased. They had just reached the entrance when Willoughby, Wickham, and John Thorpe appeared in front of them, blocking their way out.
"We want our money back!" Wickham demanded.
"Huh?" Coleen asked stupidly. "You didn't give us any money!"
"Sure we did! We paid you to change the story! You had it just right but then you went and messed it all up! Give us back our money!"
"You're the Elders?" Tabbi asked incredulously.
Thorpe nodded smugly. "D___ fine Elders too."
Coleen and Tabbi looked at each other. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Col asked.
"Oh yeah, let's!" Tabbi exclaimed enthusiastically.
They whipped out the laptop and began typing. They each nodded in satisfaction before saving their work and then posted it on the Guild. At that moment everything changed. The three so-called Elders grew donkey ears and began braying like asses. Pride and Prejudice was restored to the original text... Well... sorta...
If your copy of Pride and Prejudice has Marvin the Martian at Darcy and Elizabeth's wedding, a rabid psycho bear rampaging through the story, or their greetings to one another were "May the Force be with you", you now know the reason why.
Tabbi and Coleen returned to their world expecting a crowd of cheering and fawning people but only got old shoes thrown at them by the Dwiggies who had traveled to Michigan for the purpose of exacting revenge. They ran screaming into the night as the lynch mob raced after them. It would take several years of hiding and many name changes to finally get the last rabid Dwiggie off their tail but they eventually got back to writing and posting stories, their lessons learned.
And so Dear Readers we would leave you with this bit of advice:
Beware of strangers that approach you with a proposition of changing a story on all days that are Friday, October 13th and a full moon.
* R Kelly~~I Believe I Can Fly