Entry 1
It is almost time to take Mary to my sister Grant's home in Mansfield Park. She is determined not to stay here any longer, for she is unable to see our uncle Howard and his mistress living in our childhood home.
Personally, I don not understand Mary being disconcerted over their affair. My Aunt Beatrice knew about it long before she died. However, if Mary cannot abide to be around this woman then I will take her elsewhere. Therefore, we will soon be off to Mansfield Park.
Perhaps I shall enjoy some time in the country. Hopefully Mary will find enough to amuse her there so that she will not feel the need to bother me about my future. Mary has recently begun to hint at the possibility of my marrying so that I may provide her with a home. At least once a week she says something to the effect of:
"Henry do you not believe that it is almost time for you to choose a woman to marry." This has been her most common statement since the passing of my aunt Beatrice.
But she does not understand that there has not been a lady to hold my interest for longer than three months. I have begun to fear that I will never find a woman who will inspire me to give up the freedom I have come to treasure.
Many of the ladies that I am acquainted with surrender their hearts to me within days. Just last month I made the acquaintance of a Miss Watson who is very beautiful and sought after by all the men. At first she appeared to be reluctant towards my attention to her. However, just last week at a ball we both attended she began to reciprocate my attention, with very little effort required on my part I might add. Although she is a lovely lady, I have begun to realize that she is just another conquest. I have also come to the understanding that I only seem to enjoy having ladies in love with me and that I am incapable of returning their feelings.
I despair that I will never know true love. Perhaps it has to do with watching the marital situation between my aunt and uncle. Once, my uncle confided in me that he only married for my aunt's fortune. This revelation was bad enough, but not as painful as the first time I learned that my Uncle Howard was being unfaithful to his marriage vows. Even though I am closer to my uncle than my aunt, I could not help empathizing with her. She tried regularly to keep her marriage intact and to appear content for both Mary's and my sake. Yet, before she passed away she began to allow her discontentment to show.
True I was not as angry at my uncle's behavior as my sister was. In fact, a part of me began to believe that this was a normal circumstance in a marriage. At the same time, though, I want to be happier than my relations were. My uncle always seemed to detest being at home. I want to be able to go home and be happy. To feel joy as I drive up towards my house. To feel my heart race at the thought of being with my wife.