Beginning, Next Section
Chapter One
My name is Elizabeth Bennet and I am engaged. I know it sounds like an AA confession but that is what this engagement feels like, a means to an end. In AA, you confess, get help from those around you and get through your life because of it. I am engaged to help myself. As I see it, once I am married then my heart will never be in danger again. Also, I am getting married because that is what girls do.
I always thought that I would only marry for true love, but when you search and search and never encounter it you give way to the despair of ever finding the one person who is truly meant for you. You move on, settle for a person you like and can spend time with without killing them, and by the same token someone who can spend time with you. After all, doesn't love grow from the friendship base, and eventually doesn't love turn into friendship anyway? I know I am trying to justify myself, but if I can convince everyone else then perhaps I can convince myself that I am doing the right thing.
My fiancé is Robert Carson and he is a vice president of my father's company, Bennet Publishing. I am the senior VP. My elder sister Jane is the president and handles all of the details of the job, my father is the owner and CEO. Robert and I have known one another since college and have been the best of friends since the first day we met. There was never any romantic attachment on my side; he was simply the brother I had always wanted. He is my rock. Robert was there for me every time that the men I gave my heart to unceremoniously returned it to me in several pieces. This is one of the reasons we decided to get married. The Vanessa Williams song "The Best for Last" says, "How could you give your love to someone else and share your dreams with me?" He used this song in defense of his proposal to me. He was the one who knew everything about me and was always there. So how could I give my heart and body away to other people who knew nothing about me and not give it to the one person who knows my heart? Therefore, I said, "Yes." My family was of course ecstatic. Robert is a great guy and they love him. And, I do too just not in the way I always thought a woman would love the man who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Robert says that is best in a relationship for one person to love the other one more and it is good that he loves me more than I love him. I believed him. I thought that everything was going to be okay, that is until I met him...
Chapter 2
As I have said before, when I was young and more naïve, I believed there was such a thing as 'love at first sight', that there really is a perfect mate for every person. All through college, I gave my heart away to the men I loved. None of them were the "one" or had any idea what true love was. After getting my heart broken several times, I gave up on ever finding true love. All of that changed the moment I walked into the restaurant and our eyes locked.
Over the course of the last few years, the day to day operations of the company have fallen into the hands of Jane and I. Father had grown tired of running the company and with Jane and I at the helm he felt free to enjoy his days either reading or playing golf. Last month Darcy Publishing contacted Jane about a merger. The alliance would greatly increase our profits and allow our company to grow without any job losses. It is a dream come true for us. Our small but profitable company would grow under the wing of the powerful Darcy Publishing firm. I was little unsure of this merger despite all of the good I know it will do. I am afraid that our purpose will be lost in the shuffle of the large company. Jane and Robert have slowly convinced me that the merger is in the best interest of everyone involved and so I agreed. Now here I am late for my first meeting with the heads of Darcy Publishing.
I push through the door of the restaurant and begin scanning the crowd for Jane. Instead of finding Jane my eyes lock with a pair of the most amazing hazel eyes I have ever seen. For a moment, the entire world stops, as the sound of my heart beating in my ears is the only sound I hear. The eyes are in one of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen and before I can catch myself, I realize that we are smiling at one another. The smile is what brings me back to reality. I tear my eyes away and then I see Jane sitting next to the eyes. I take a deep breath and make my way over to the table. All the while I say to myself "Lizzy you are a married woman, almost, control yourself. It is not as if you have never seen a handsome man."
"Good afternoon everyone. I am so sorry I am late." I say rather calmly for one whose insides are now mush thanks to a man's smile.
"That is quite alright we have only just arrived ourselves." Replies the blond young man I have just noticed.
"Lizzy, this is Mr. Charles Bingley, vice president of Darcy publishing." Says Jane.
" A pleasure to meet you Mr. Bingley," I say.
"Likewise Ms. Bennet, I have heard wonderful things about you from your sister." Replies a smiling Mr. Bingley.
"And this is Mr. Darcy, the president of Darcy publishing."
"Very nice to meet you Ms. Bennet." Replies a beautiful voice that belongs to the beautiful eyes.
"Very nice to meet you too Mr. Darcy" I say as calmly as I can.
"Shall we order first and then talk business?" Suggests Bingley.
"Great idea. Lizzy shall we have the usual?" Jane asks while smiling.
"Of course, miss." I smile in return and then begin to laugh at our usual joke.
"What is so funny?" Bingley asks.
"Well our entire family make fun of Jane and I because this is our favorite restaurant, we eat here at least three times a week yet we always order exactly the same thing." We all begin to laugh, "But really, why give up a good thing?" I say.
Our laughter seems to relax everyone at the table and soon we are conversing as if we have been friends for our entire lives. The sparks at the table between the four of us could have lit up the street. Jane and Bingley seemed to be on one plane, as if they had grown up together. After the first five minutes, they began to finish one another's sentences, Mr. Darcy and I smiled at each other over our glasses as our companions lost themselves in each other.
"It seems as if we have been forgotten Ms. Bennet."
"Yes, this quite strange. Normally Jane is much more reserved around strangers, but Mr. Bingley has seemed to make her forget her shyness." I reply quietly.
"Charles can do that to people. He is really my backbone if you want to know the truth. I love my company and I am good at my job, but when it comes to dealing with people, I lack a certain savoir faire. I am actually rather shy, myself. So, you see I keep him around not only because he is good at his job but he saves me from awkward situations when I can't think of anything besides business matters to talk about to our clients."
"Really, I never would have guessed that you seem so comfortable here. And you have not had any trouble talking to me."
"Yes, but you are very easy to talk to." Darcy says while flashing me one of his heartmelting smiles.
"Well, thank you. Nevertheless, we really should get down to business." I turn to my sister, "Jane, should we get to work?"
"Yes, of course Lizzy," Jane says while blushing, "This is supposed to be a working lunch and here I am chatting away."
Now we get down to the dirty part. The negotiations go rather smoothly and in no time, we are ready to take the papers to the board.
"Okay, everything looks good. We will go back to office have the lawyers take a look at these, then call to schedule a meeting you later on in the week." Jane says as we leave the restaurant.
"Fantastic, we will look forward to your decision. It was a pleasure meeting both of you." Bingley says while staring at Jane.
"Yes, it was a pleasure meeting you Mr. Bingley and you too Mr. Darcy." Jane says, again blushing as she and Charles eyes lock.
"Yes, it was wonderful to meet you also." Mr. Darcy says while conspiratorially smiling at me.
"Yes, wonderful." I reply while glancing at Charles and Jane and returning his conspirator smile.
As they place us into a cab, I turn to see Darcy still at the curb and again our eyes lock and my heart skips a beat. Before I can stop myself I raise my hand and wave, and the biggest surprise of all, he waves back.
Chapter 3
Then I notice the glint on my left hand. My engagement ring seems to burn on my finger as the weight of it brings my hand down. How could I do that? How could I wave at a man with the very hand that wears the ring of another?
"So Lizzy, what do you think of our lunch companions?" Jane asks still smiling.
"Well I think one of us had a fantastic time." I say while raising my eyebrows slightly as Jane blushes.
"Oh, Lizzy, do be serious."
" I liked them very much. I didn't have much of an opportunity to speak to Mr. Bingley, but Mr. Darcy seems like a very nice person." I say while blushing for some unknown reason.
"Good. Because we are going to a cocktail party at Charles's tomorrow night."
"We, I never agreed to go anywhere."
" Yes, you did. I saw you wave at a certain someone as we were leaving. Don't deny that you enjoy his company." Jane says while eyeing me quite menacingly.
"Jane how dare you say such a thing. I am almost a married woman. What would Robert say if he heard you saying that." I somehow stammer.
"Lizzy there is nothing wrong with spending time with a man who you enjoy talking too. Please, if you don't go I won't feel right going there alone. Besides you can bring Robert with you and the four of you can get to know one another."
"The four of us?" I ask incredulously.
"Yes, the four of you. Didn't you know William is engaged."
"William, who is William?" I ask growing more confused by the minute.
"Mr. Darcy, of course. Didn't you know William is engaged to Charles's sister, Caroline?"
Chapter 4
Engaged?!! How could he be engaged? He seemed so open so interested. Yet again so did I and look at me. In less than two months, I will be married. Thoughts like this and more kept running through my head. Then it hit me.
"Jane, did you tell Mr. Bingley about Robert and I?" I ask warily.
"Yes. I told him when he invited us to the party. Why do you ask?" Jane says while cocking one eyebrow at me in a way that only she can.
"Oh, no reason. I just wondered if he knew. I mean information like that could have an effect on the merger."
"How so?"
"Well, it could.." I stop and start again. "Robert is a big part of this company and our alliance will happen during the business merger." I finish lamely.
"Oh, Lizzy really you worry too much. Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy are too professional to let a personal matter cloud their business lives." Jane says while laughing at me.
"Yes, you are right. I guess I am just nervous about this deal right now."
Yes, that is all. I am just nervous about my professional life. There is nothing wrong with my personal life. I keep repeating this to myself, but if this is true why do I have to keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing?
William
"Well, Darcy did everything go according to plan?" Bingley asks.
"What? Yes, of course, perfect." I reply, my voice trailing off as I finish the sentence. Was everything perfect?
"What did you think of our associates?"
"Our associates? Oh yes, they were very nice. I didn't get to speak to Ms. Bennet very much," I say with a pointed look in Bingley's direction, "but Elizabeth Bennet is a very intelligent woman. I enjoyed her conversation. Very intelligent, and quite a fine wit." I muse.
"Oh, Ms. Bennet is an absolute angel. She is perhaps the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." Bingley says with a dreamy look in his eyes that snaps me out of my reverie.
"Charles, do you realize what you are saying?"
"Yes, I do. She is a very sweet young woman. I invited her to the party tomorrow night."
"You invited her to your party?! Charles do you know how this is going to look?" I ask stunned.
"Of course I know how it would look. That is why I invited her sister and her sister's fiancé."
"Fiancé, Elizabeth is engaged?" I stammer as I try to get my heart to start beating again.
"Yes to the junior vice president. Apparently they have been friends since college and decided to get married late last year. I believe Jane said the wedding is in the next couple of months." Bingley replies with a strange look in my direction.
"Oh, I am very happy to hear that." I say not knowing why it is necessary for me to lie. Just because I am engaged to someone I don't love doesn't mean that I have be jealous of other people's happiness. Yet, there is something about Elizabeth that moves me in a way I never been moved before.
"William? Where are you? Are you ready to go?" Charles asks again giving me a strange look.
"Yes."
"Are you ready?" Charles asks in an over exaggerated slow voice.
"Oh yes, of course." I answer quickly glad to have my thoughts distracted from a young woman whose eyes and face I can't seem to get out of my mind.
Chapter 5 ~ Party Night
Why is it that you can never look good when you really want to? Why is it that I want to look good? Because I want to impress my business associate? Okay so I want to impress a certain business associate. Ahhhh!!! Did I just think that? I look around and Robert is no where in sight.
"Are you ready?" Robert asks as he peeks his head into the room.
"Almost, " I say as I try to stop my face from blushing.
"You look fantastic Liz." Robert says with that smile so full of admiration that I feel guilty. "Have I told you today how much I love you? The next two months can't go by fast enough for me." He says as he walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my hair.
"Yes you have, but thank you. You don't look so bad yourself." I say hoping the teasing will push away the face that has involuntarily appeared in my head away. I give him a quick kiss and I don't miss the look of disappointment at my less than passionate return of his gesture.
"Well then we had better get going, we still have to pick up your sister." He says quickly to cover his hurt.
I turn away from him to grab my coat. I don't know what to do. He said that the arrangement between us would be great, that he would be okay with my feeling towards him. I have know for a long time that he felt more for me than I felt for him, but ever since yesterday I have begun to doubt the fairness of my life with Robert. Ever since I laid eyes on William Darcy, feelings that I have struggled to drown have been resurfacing. I have tried to kill them knowing that he is unattainable. He probably has a sweet wonderful, beautiful fiancé that he is completely enamored with. It is best to douse these feelings before they are allowed to mature, besides every time I fall in love it turns out to be a disaster. Now I am going into a relationship without true love it stands to reason that things will go well.
"I am ready." I say flashing him a brilliant smile that I hope reaches my eyes.
"Then let's be off." He says smiling at me with such adoration that I have to look away for fear of my eyes betraying my thoughts of another.
We arrive at Jane's and she is beautiful, as always yet tonight there is a glow about her that I can only attribute to her anticipation of seeing Mr. Bingley.
"You look wonderful Jane," I say as she steps in to the car.
"Thank you Lizzy. How are you Robert?"
"Great. Wow look at the two of you, I am going to be the envy of every man at the party."
After a short drive, we pull up to an enormous townhouse.
"I must find out what Darcy pays his people. I may have to change allegiance." I say as I admire the home.
A smiling Charles Bingley opens the door. He greets Robert and I, but it is clear that he has eyes for only one person in our party. Then from behind Charles comes very tall, very thin, very beautiful woman.
"Hello, I am Caroline Bingley. It is a pleasure to meet you." Says this woman whose voice contradicts her statements. I take an instant dislike to her, however I do not know if it is her attitude or the fact that she is Mr. Darcy's, who is noticeably absent, future wife.
"Oh yes Caroline, this is Ms. Jane Bennet, Elizabeth Bennet and her fiancé Mr. Robert Carson. Everyone this is my sister Caroline."
We exchange our pleased to meet you's and Caroline moves in and takes Robert's arm.
"So Mr. Carson what do you do?" Caroline asks sweetly as they move away from our group. I look around and Jane and Charles have wandered off and he is introducing her to several people in a group around the refreshment table. After several minutes of standing alone, the doorbell chimes. I notice that Caroline is wrapped around Roberts's arm and Charles is engrossed in Jane, so I decide to answer it. I open the door and there he is the man I have been struggling to put out of my mind for the past two days.
"Ms.Bennet. Hello," trails a stunned Mr. Darcy.
"Mr.Darcy, how are you?" I somehow stammer.
"Fine, great, and how are you?" He stammers right back.
"Wonderful," I laugh recovering my sense of humor and balance, "Won't you please come in? It would appear that not only do I function as a party guest I can also serve as a butler should the need arise."
" Well I would have to say you are certainly the best looking butler that I have ever seen." He says as our eyes lock and then he begins to turn a charming shade of crimson.
"Why thank you. It is good to know that you have a profession to fall back on." I tease trying to break the intensity of our gaze. "This is a lovely party."
"Yes, Caroline always throws wonderful parties. Charles allows her free reign with the details." William says with a disinterested tone one does not often find when someone is speaking of their beloved.
"Well, she did a fantastic job. She is a lovely woman; I met her when I arrived. I understand congratulations are in order." I lie.
"Thank you, and congratulations to you too. Was your fiancé able to make it this evening?" William asks with a strange look on his face.
"Yes, I believe that your fiancé is showing him around."
"Typical." He mutters under his breath.
I look at him rather questioningly but decide not to press the issue since I do not wish to share my true feelings about Caroline.
"Would you care for a drink?" he asks breaking the tension that has resounded from our recent topic of conversation.
"Yes, thank you Mr. Darcy."
"Will please. Mr. Darcy makes me feel like I am at the office." He says as he flashes me one of his dazzling smiles.
I gasp for breath, "Of course, Will," I pause, "But you must call me Elizabeth or Lizzy." I smile in return somewhat recovered.
"I would like that Elizabeth." He says with a quiet intensity that once again draws my eyes to his.
"William darling!" A voice screeches and shatters our moment. "What took you so long dear. Charles and I had to greet the guests without your help." Caroline purrs as she releases my fiancé and sidles up to hers.
"I am sorry Caroline, but I had to finish up some work at the office." William says as he kisses the proffered cheek with an absent-minded passion that would freeze a Popsicle. Caroline begins to entwine her arm with his as Will grows noticeably stiff.
"When did you arrive? Why did you not come to me immediately you know how I hate being separated from you? Why a person in your position must work such long hours is beyond me. You are the boss, you should make one of your underlings stay so you can enjoy your life." Caroline drones on as I find myself disliking her even more than before.
If you were what were waiting at home on me I would stay at work all day and perhaps all night too. Lord would this woman ever quit harping. She and my mother would make a perfect match although they might shatter all of the china within a four-mile radius. How did Will ever come to be engaged to this creature.
"Caroline, it is my business and I will run it. Please I do not want to discuss this again especially in front of everyone." William says tersely to Caroline before he turns to Robert. " I am sorry to have been so rude, I don't believe we have met, my name is William Darcy." He says as he extends his hand to Robert.
"Robert Carson a pleasure to meet you." As Robert shakes his hand. "We look forward to doing business with your company"
"Thank you. I hope this merger benefits all of us. Now if you will excuse me I must speak to Charles." William says as he tries to back away from us.
"Please, I must also be excused to speak with my brother." Says Caroline as she chases after Will.
"What an interesting couple." I muse aloud.
"Why do you say that?" Robert asks staring at me strangely.
"Because they are both interesting that is why." I say quickly defensive. "Come. I see Jane waving to us." I run away before he can bring up Will Darcy again. I have to compose myself. I must learn to talk to him and about him without my feelings to show. As we reach Jane and begin conversing, my eyes unconsciously rove the room looking for the intense eyes that I would know anywhere. Then out of nowhere I see them and instantly our eyes lock again. I see him give me a shadow of a smile and suddenly I am filled with light. I return with a faint smile of my own and look back to my group to find two sets of eyes on me.
"Sorry, were you speaking to me? I was on another planet." I smile guiltily.
Robert laughs at me and gives me a small hug, but I feel Jane's eyes on me and I know that she knows the truth of my preoccupation.
"Lizzy why don't you join me in the powder room I need to check my make up." Jane says with a smile that looks sweet but underneath I know she is serious.
"Of course, I'll be right back." I mumble and follow Jane out of the room.
As soon as Jane has checked out the bathroom she begins, "Elizabeth Bennet, I saw you looking at that man. You were smiling at him, in front of Robert. Lizzy, what are you doing?"
"Nothing Jane, he smiled at me and I smiled back. That is all. Remember we are both engaged so there is no danger of anyone losing their heart." I say offhandedly hoping it will derail her.
"Oh Lizzy, do you think I am a simpleton? I have seen the way you look at Robert and I have seen the way you look at Mr. Darcy. However blind you chose to be you will not find me so. I know what looks like that mean. I know you do not love Robert as much as he loves you. Please tell me what is going on." Jane pleads with me, the expression in her eyes is almost more than I can stand.
"Jane, please not here. Can we talk later?" I say choking back the tears that are on the surface.
"Lizzy, I am sorry, don't cry. I just want you to be happy. We will talk later. Now come on let's go and have a glass of that wonderful champagne." Jane says as she put her arm around me.
"That sounds wonderful Jane." I put on my best happy face and we leave the bathroom. Again, I meet his eyes as soon as I enter the room but this time I look away quickly. It is better to stop the pain before it can begin. Why hope for what can never be?
Chapter 6
I wander around through the crowds at the party trying to avoid everyone. It is amazing how you can find yourself completely alone in a room of people if you just put your mind to it. I do not understand what is going on inside my head. My heart is twisting and turning inside of my chest. I can not be falling in love with someone I have only seen twice. I am engaged for heaven sakes.
That's it! I am simply nervous about getting married. Yes that must be what it is.
Okay nice try Lizzy. That was a great delusion but lets go back to the real world. You are marrying a man who loves you but whom you only love in a brotherly sort of way. Until I saw William Darcy, I thought that it would be okay. I would make Robert happy and I would be happy because my heart would never be in danger again. Now as I look across the room and see Robert talking to a young woman I see how happy he is.
Look at the way she looks at him. There is an expression on her face that I know is not there when I look at him. The strange thing about this girl is that I feel nothing when I see her looking adoringly at my fiancé. That should tell me something shouldn't it? I remember the hurt on his face from earlier in the evening. Am I being fair to both of us? I have always known that what I am doing is not fair to my heart, that I am denying my chance to find love. He says our arrangement is what he wants, but until tonight, I never realized that it might be unfair to him, too. Oh this is too much to deal with right now. As I try to break away from these thoughts, I glance around the room.
There he is again. Oh Lord he is beautiful. I watch his face from behind the crowds of people. Caroline is with him and I try to imagine myself in her place. I would have the privilege of putting my arm through his. Then as I turn back to him through the course of the conversation I would be able to look into those deep brown eyes and feel his love shining on me. We would share the private smile of two people in love and forget that there are people surrounding us. But that is never to be. He has a fiancé, and for some unknown reason he loves her. He must in order to marry her. Oh this is too hard. I need a drink.
William
This is impossible. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Caroline's parties are so pretentious. The only good part about this evening is Elizabeth Bennet. Good God man get a grip on yourself. Here you are drooling over a woman who is practically married to a man she no doubt adores. If only I was so lucky.
"Of course Caroline." I smile and answer a question that I have not heard. The one good thing about Caroline is that I never actually have to listen to her ramblings. All one has to do is nod, smile and occasionally agree with her.
For the thousandth time I wander how I became engaged to her. I believe we got engaged because Caroline wanted to have a party. I had practically grown up with the Bingley's and had always been aware of Caroline's interest in me. I would usually deflect her interest in me by ignoring her or having another woman. However, after awhile it became clear to me that women were more interested in the money than the man and there has always been more than enough money. Caroline is simply a way to get the world off my back. We began going to social events and before I knew it, we were considered a couple. A few months later Caroline began discussing a life commitment. Before I had even asked, I found our picture all over the society page and our engagement official. There was nothing I could do; there was no turning back. I decided just to let it go. It would make everyone relatively happy. I would give Caroline the money to show herself off and all of the money hounds would leave me alone. This seemed like the ideal plan. I had given up on ever finding love for myself and there was no way Caroline loved anything other than my money. Then I met Elizabeth; she stirs parts of me that I never knew existed. I long to know what it would be like to enjoy her smiles and love. But that will never be she will marry her fiancé and I will spend the rest of my life throwing and going to boring parties.
I scan the faces in the crowd and see her staring out of the window. Her beautiful face outlined by the city lights. She seems so lost and alone. There is a sadness about her that makes me wish I had the right to go and put my arms around her. I would love to feel her body next to mine and see her smile in a way that is for me alone. I am physically aching for her the emptiness of Caroline's touch only makes the fact that I will never have her in my arms more painful.
Where's that fiancé of hers? If she were mine, I would never allow her to look at the world with such sadness and despair. Then in that instance her eyes are on me and I try to control myself to not look at her with my heart. I have to learn to accept the life I have made for myself. I watch as Jane comes up behind her and wraps her coat around her shoulders. She offers me a weak smile and a slight wave. Without a word, she is gone. I detach myself from Caroline and move to the window. As I search the street, I see her again. Just before she climbs into the car, she turns to me once more. Our eyes lock until Robert helps her into the car. I watch her drive away and the emptiness presses against my heart. If only we could have what we wish for. I leave the window and my ruminations, I have a duty to fulfill.
Chapter 7
As I leave the house, I feel his eyes on me. I look up at the window and there he is. As Robert helps me into the car, I realize that I have been staring and catch Jane's eye, I begin to blush.
"I don't know but if Charles hadn't told me himself that he was Caroline's brother I would never have believed it. I mean those two are as different as night and day." I try to chatter hoping to distract Jane.
"Yes, Lizzy I know what you mean, " Jane says while holding my eyes, " Robert, I think you should drop Lizzy at my house for tonight. We haven't had any time this week for girl talk." She says pointedly.
"Oh Jane that sounds lovely but I am really tired." I whine hoping to get out of it.
"Nonsense. A cup of hot tea and you will feel like a new woman." Jane urges.
"That might be a good idea Liz. You have been so busy at work that neither one of us has seen you lately. You need to spend some time with your sister." Robert says.
"Thank you both for trying to run my life. Fine Jane I will stay with you since it is obvious I am not wanted at home." I huff.
"That is not what I meant and you know it. Maybe it is a good idea if you spend the night with Jane." Robert counters with a voice I have never heard from him before.
"That sounds fantastic, " I say as I climb out of the car, "Goodnight Robert."
"Goodnight Liz, Goodnight Jane. I'll see you in the morning." He smiles wearily and drives off.
"I am glad I asked you to stay tonight. It looks like you need to talk." Jane hugs me and leads me into her house.
"Yes, I suppose I have to talk to someone."
After a change of clothes and a cup of hot tea. I begin to let myself unwind.
"Jane, what have I done? I have agreed to marry a man I don't love. What am I doing to him, what am I doing to myself?" I end with a sob and throw my head into her lap.
"Oh my goodness, I had no idea. I knew something wasn't right between the two of you. I am sorry. How long have you known?"
"Forever, I have never felt the way about Robert that I do about... that I did about all of the others." I finish lamely, but not before I have been caught.
"I am so sorry Lizzy, but you know that you can't go through with this marriage. Do anything you wish but please do not marry without love. I know you; you will not be complete without love. I have seen a fire and life within your eyes in the past few days and I know it has nothing to do with Robert."
"Jane, what am I going to do? I am falling for a man whom I have only know for a few days, a practically married man no less." Once again the tears break the surface.
"You are going to follow your heart. You have to come to terms with your relationship with Robert. It is not fair to either one of you to continue with this masquerade. As for William Darcy, I am not the one you should be talking to. I know what you feel for him but he is engaged and there is nothing we can do about that. We have to take care of you. If it is meant to be it is meant to be." Jane says as she lifts my face and dries my tears. "Now come on little sister, how about some ice cream?"
"Thank you so much, Jane. I don't know how I would make it through life without you. After I talk to Robert can I come back and live with you again."
"Of course Lizzy. You know you always have a place here. Now come on. Let's eat away your sorrows."
That night as I lay in the room that was once my own I reflect on what Jane has said. She is right that I have to break off the engagement, William Darcy or no William Darcy. Robert deserves to find the love that I cannot give him. I will find the time to tell him this week. Somewhat heartened I fall asleep.
Chapter 8
I never realized how much easier life is once you have made the decision to control your destiny. Thanks to the merger, I was too busy to talk to Robert on Sunday. Therefore, Monday rolled around with the air still not clear between us. I notice a distance between he and I but perhaps that is just because of my intentions. As I make my way to the restaurant to have lunch with my work, I run into the one person I have been trying to rid myself of.
"Mr. Darcy, what a pleasant surprise." I stammer and catch my breath as he smiles at me.
"Elizabeth, nice to see you, but when did we revert back to formalities. I thought we were friends."
"Of course we are William. How are you?"
"Fine, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would grab a bite to eat. Won't you join me?"
"Well, I don't know. I had planned on doing some work." I try to think of a way to leave.
"Nonsense. You have to have some time to relax. I insist that you take an hour and enjoy yourself. I will personally entertain you in whatever manner you chose."
That would be very interesting, Elizabeth Bennet, what are you thinking? "Well with that kind of offer how could I refuse." I smile trying to hide my blush as I reply.
I wonder what she is thinking. Does she have any idea how lovely she is when she flushes? This could be the most interesting lunch of my life.
After our somewhat awkward start, we begin to converse as old friends. I tell him about college and going to work for my father. He shares stories of his life at first rate boarding schools, college at Oxford and losing his father before he was ready.
"It was the hardest moment of my life. Until then, I had never felt truly alone. I was a 25-year-old, with a 15-year-old sister and a multi million-dollar company that depended solely on me being able to do the job to survive. If I failed then Anna and I would have nothing, people would lose their jobs and I would have failed my father. I had no one to turn to. Thank God for Charles. He was there to save me from being swallowed up by despair by getting me out of the house and back into the real world." As he finishes, I notice that there are tears welling up in his eyes.
"Oh William, I am so sorry. I had no idea." I say as I reach instinctively for his hand.
"Thank you, Elizabeth," he says as he squeezes my hand, " But really, I am better now. The company is thriving and Anna is growing up beautifully. She is in college and an accomplished musician." He smiles proudly.
"That is wonderful" I smile back.
It takes the waiter clearing his throat for us to realize he is there and that we are still holding hands. Our hands fly apart and we quickly become occupied with other things.
"Thank you for the wonderful lunch, Elizabeth. I hope we can do it again sometime. After all, it is perfectly alright for friends to enjoy a lunch now and then." He says expectantly.
"Of course William. We all need friends to help us relax and enjoy life." I smile back and glance at my watch." Oh my goodness I have been gone for over two hours. That lunch flew by. I have to run. See you soon." As I begin to run down the street.
"Goodbye Elizabeth."
I round the corner and raise the hand that was holding his a few moments ago to my burning face. His touch igniting feelings within me that remain long after the heat of his body has left mine. As I wonder down the street toward the office, I think of how it would be to feel his touch always. How wonderful to never to say goodbye to him. To finish a meal and go home with him. At the end of the day to know that when you opened the front door, he would be waiting for you. That is a dream that will never be. Well it is best not to think of things that are impossible. He will marry Caroline and I will continue alone.
William
From the moment our hands touched the fire moved from my body to my soul. Her touch, like her eyes, stirs my already boiling emotions. How can it be that the one woman I am sure would make my life perfection is marrying another while I am engaged to someone who thinks more of my bankbook than my heart? I must content myself with her friendship if I can never have her love.
Chapter 9
For the next few days, I tried to find the time to talk to Robert about my decision. But we never seemed to be in the apartment at the same time. I began to spend more and more time at Jane's. My sister was at home as little as Robert. Her relationship between Charles seemed to be progressing nicely. I gradually began to move my things back into the apartment, just as quietly as I had moved them out. For as little as I saw of Jane and Robert, I saw as much of William.
Wherever I went he seemed to be, almost as if someone or something was telling him my movements. The more I tried to avoid him, the more I seemed to encounter him. Moreover, unfortunately for me I was really enjoying it. We seemed to be on the same plane. We liked the same books and movies but for different reasons. We would talk and argue for hours neither conceding our points of view. I increasingly grew to respect him, not only is he a beautiful man with a body that could stop traffic, Stop it Lizzy but he has an amazing mind as well. Yes I am admitting it now; the more time I spend time with William the more I am finding myself attracted to him. He is a man with whom I can argue and yet still end the conversation with a smile. In other words an ideal partner who I can never have. Just this afternoon I agreed to attend a screening of An Ideal Husband with him. Very ironic, yet something I will have to learn to deal with if I am to remain friends with him after his marriage. I happened to mention that I wanted to see the film over the course of our now routine lunch together. He said he would also like to see the film but that Caroline never went for movies where she had to pay attention.
"She claims that if one has to think when viewing a film than what is the point of it being called entertainment." He said doing an uncanny impression of Caroline.
"Well Robert doesn't like films with accents. He says it is too hard for him to understand what they are saying." I say while still laughing at his impression of Caroline.
"I love Oscar Wilde in fact if you promise not to tell anyone I will tell you a secret."
"Of course, you have my word of honor." I say will mock solemnity.
"In college I was in an Oscar Wilde play." He laughs at my shocked face. "You think I am joking, don't you? I was Algernon, in The Importance of Being Ernest. It was the only play I did. I did it because of a dare. Bingley said I would never get the part and well, I had to prove him wrong, " he stops as I begin to laugh, "What is so funny? He asks"
"Nothing, just the thought of you on stage." I continue through a fit of giggles.
"Why my darling Cecily, do you doubt my word?" He asks in a beautiful accent.
"Of course not. Oh dear. Would you look at the time? Somehow when I have lunch with you I am always late getting back to work."
We gather our things and exit the restaurant.
"So Elizabeth, if you and Robert are not doing anything tonight, why don't we go and see An Ideal Husband?" He asks.
"That... well... thank you. I believe I can. If things change I will let you know."
"Wonderful. Would you like to grab some dinner before?"
"Sure."
"Great I'll pick you up at 7:30. Until tonight" and he climbs into his waiting car.
"Until tonight." I repeat. Oh my god, what have I done? I think as I make my way back to the office.
William
I have never been so nervous in all of my life. How can a simple thing like asking a woman to dinner make me break out into a cold sweat, my brain go numb and my hands shake? But despite it all she said yes. Of course she said yes you idiot, she thinks of you as a good friend. She would go to the movies with any friend, but she is going with me. Now... how to make sure no one else finds out. It is never good to anger Caroline.
Elizabeth
The moment I return to the office I can feel that something is wrong. The note reads:
Lizzy,
I have to talk to you immediately.Robert.
I make my way into his office and wonder if this is it. Will I have the strength to do it? 'Please' I pray to the heavens to give me the strength to do this.
"Robert, you needed to see me?" I ask as I poke my head into his office.
"Yes, but I think we should go somewhere else." He answers flatly.
"Why?"
"This is not only a business problem, but a personal one as well." He answers sadly.
"Oh." Is all I can manage. "No, I am fine here. Really this place is as good as home."
"Very well. There is no way good way to do this. I have been offered another position and have decided to take it. I am resigning from Bennet publishing effective at 5:00 today."
"Resigning, but why?" I ask stunned.
"Because this job is a once in a lifetime chance, and I need to be away from you."
"Away from me?"
"Yes, I know that you don't love me and I am afraid if we continue with this charade I will grow not to love you. Your friendship is one of the greatest things about my life, but I can't live on friendship alone and it isn't fair to ask you to also."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, it is for the both of us. I know you are not happy, the light doesn't come into your eyes when I kiss you, as it should. I thought I could make you love me given enough time but now I realize that I don't love you enough for that or perhaps I love you too much to do that to you." He says cryptically.
"Robert what are you talking about."
"Lizzy, you should be able to find what I have found."
"Found?" I whisper.
"Another reason for my resignation. I have fallen in love with someone else. I am breaking our engagement you are free."
Chapter 10
I sit stunned. It is as if the doors to my cage have been thrown open and I am free to go but the chains are still in place.
"Who, when?" I somehow stammer.
"Her name is Allison. I met her at Charles's party. She asked me to lunch and then the next day a job. I met with her again to discuss it and we ended up spending the afternoon talking. It is not that I don't still love you Liz it is just that with Allison it is the love. Do you know what I mean?"
"I know exactly what you mean but this is all so sudden, " I am choking back tears, " I mean it is just so..." I trail off trying to stave off my tears.
"Oh Lizzy, " Robert moves to the couch and gives me a hug, " I will always love you as the best friend I have ever had. It took me a while to find out what you always knew. We are better friends than lovers anyway."
"Yes, suppose you're right. I hope we will always be friends." I say tying to smile.
"Of course we will, always. I am so sorry to do this to you and so close the wedding. But I couldn't do that to our friendship, it is too valuable. Do you want me to tell your father and Jane or would you like to do it?"
"I think that we should do it together, but you get to tell my mother." I say with mock seriousness.
"I forgot about her. I am so sorry Lizzy I will tell her if you want me too." Robert looks at me with fear in his eyes.
"Silly, don't you know when I'm kidding? It will be okay. She will be fine. We'll all be fine. Don't worry about me or anyone else. You are the one you should be thinking of. Come on, let's find my father."
"Thank you Lizzy, you are wonderful." Robert takes my hand and leads me to the door.
The interview went so much better than I thought. I think my father was secretly relieved, for as much as he loves Robert, I believe he always knew that what I was doing wasn't being done with my whole heart. My father even went so far as to offer to tell my mother for me, a chore I will gladly relinquish. My mother and I have never been the best of friends, in fact we barely get along. Yet she was so happy to have a daughter married that for the past few months I have been her favorite. This is something that will no doubt cause her to stop speaking to me. As I wander out of the office and head toward my own, Jane grabs my arm.
"Lizzy, are you okay?" She asks while searching my eyes.
"Yes, Jane, I am fine, really. You and I both know that this is for the best. I am more in shock that he is leaving here than anything."
"Ms.Bennet, there is a message from Mr.Darcy for you. He said it was urgent." My secretary says while handing me a message slip.
"Thank you, Charlotte." I say as I take the slip of paper gingerly and walk into my office.
"What could be so urgent from Mr.Darcy? I thought we had tied up all of the loose ends." Jane asks suspiciously.
"We were to go out to dinner and a movie tonight. I had better call and cancel." I say reaching for the telephone.
"Wait, I think you should go ahead and go. Charles and I are going out tonight and I don't think that you should be left alone."
"I told you I am fine."
"I know but why stay home and get depressed. You go out and have a good time."
"Yes, I suppose you are right. It won't matter what I do now. I have no one to report to and he has a fiancé so there is no harm in us being seen together. I guess I should return his call."
"I'll see you later." Jane says as she leaves my office.
I dial the numbers and feel my palms begin to sweat. Why should this simple thing make me feel like a teenager calling up my first boyfriend?
"William Darcy." A distracted voice answers before I am ready.
"Hello, this is Elizabeth Bennet." I stutter.
"Elizabeth, hello," I can almost hear him smiling, "Thank you for returning my call. I realized when I got back to the office that I don't know where you live." Please don't let her say with Robert.
"Oh, yes that would help." I laugh with relief. As I give him our address, I realize I have been holding my breath out of fear that he has called to cancel.
"Thanks, I had better let you get back to work. I'll see you tonight."
"William, this will be a casual dress evening right?"
"If you wish, I would really like to spend some time out of my suit," Oh my gosh, what did I say? "I mean I would enjoy not being so constricted," Lord what must she think of me? Any way, I had better go before I dig myself any deeper."
"All right William, see you tonight. Goodbye."
"Goodbye."
William, unconstricted, that would make a fantastic evening. Then I think of Caroline and the real depression sinks in. I will never know him in any other capacity except a friend. How can one so undeserving be with such a man?
Chapter 11 ~ Date Night
William
Tonight is the night. I get to spend the entire evening with Elizabeth with no thought of hurrying back to work. I have somehow avoided Caroline all day and if I can just make it for one more hour, she will never know who I am with. The ringing of the phone interrupts my thoughts.
One, two, three, and four.
"This is William Darcy, ***-**** please leave a message after the tone. BEEP!"
"William darling, where are you? I have been trying to reach you all day. Dear pick up the phone. Okay I am assuming you are not home yet. I am off to a dinner party at the Cole's if you get this message please join me. You remember the Cole's don't you darling, such enchanting people and they simply adore you dear, but of course who doesn't. I want you to see what they have done with their drawing room. It is simply marvelous, I think their ideas would be perfect for Pemberly. Well tata I must run. I long to see you again! Kisses dear." Caroline shrilly sang over the recording.
Thank god for answering machines. There is no way I could have enjoyed this evening after talking to her. What am I going to do about Caroline? I have known for a long while now that I cannot go through with this marriage but how do I get out of it? It has been splashed all over the papers. She has already tried to redecorate my apartment and now the family estate. Does this woman ever quit? How do I untangle all of the webs she has strung around me? Is there any need? Why not just settle? The one woman I have ever had feelings for is to marry another, so is there any need for me to try to find happiness anywhere? At least if I marry Caroline I will be left alone. I will simply try to live enjoying Elizabeth's friendship no matter how unsatisfying.
Elizabeth
Five minutes, he will be here in five minutes. Why did I tell Jane to go ahead? I don't think I can do this. Is there time to call and cancel? No, only three minutes left. Buck up Lizzy, he is only a man. The doorbell rings interrupting my thoughts. A punctual man, boy he is too good to be true.
I open the door and for a moment, time is suspended. I look into his eyes and I know that I have fallen. From this moment on there is no turning back. My heart is going to get broken but with the way he makes me feel when he looks into my eyes and smiles that amazing smile, I wonder if the pain isn't worth this elation.
"Hello. How are you tonight?" I rush out as he steps into the apartment.
"Great." Wow she is amazing. How can one person be so radiant all of the time? Why haven't I ever felt like this with any other woman? How can one person's smile make me forget everything? All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and make her forget all about Robert. " I have a cab waiting outside, but I know of a great place that is within walking distance of here and the theater if you would rather walk." Activity keep yourself busy and then you won't have time to think about what you would like to do with her.
"That sounds fantastic. It is such a beautiful night, too beautiful to spend it all indoors." Yes, if I am walking I will have something to do besides think of him and that gorgeous smile and amazing body that looks incredible in khaki pants. Stop it Lizzy, what about Caroline and Robert. Oh yes Robert aren't you supposed to be sad. Then be sad stop thinking about another mans body. "Let me just grab my coat."
"I'll go out and dismiss the cab driver." I wonder why that cloud just descended over her face. I hope I have not been to forward with my feelings.
As I lock up the apartment I turn around and there he is staring up at me from the bottom step. God look at him, that face and those eyes. I wonder if Caroline realizes what she has. Of course she doesn't no one ever does when they have someone like him.
"Shall we?" He asks as he extends his arm to me and bows like a gentleman of old.
"Yes we shall." I answer smiling, the cloud lifting from my heart.
As we walk down the street arm and arm it feels like the most natural thing in the world. If only we could be like this all of the time. Better not to think of that now. I'll just pretend that for tonight we are a happy couple with a bright future instead of what we truly are. An incredibly handsome, wealthy, brilliant man with the perfect fiancé and a woman who is batting an amazing zero percent with men. The dinner is as usual perfect. William and I never seem to run out of things to say. He tells me of his estate in the country. I talk of growing up outside of the city and how I miss walking in the open countryside. The uncomfortable part comes at the end of the meal. Instead of our usual splitting of the check, William reaches for the bill.
"No, William. Please let me pay for my dinner." I plead.
"I don't think so. What kind of man would escort a beautiful woman to dinner and allow her to pay for her dinner? No, this is one argument you will not win Ms.Bennet so don't narrow your eyes and purse you lips at me." William says in a voice that despite its playful tone is full of authority.
I blush at his accurate description of my face; "Please I am perfectly capable of paying for my own dinner. I can take care of myself you know?"
"I know that very well, but did you ever think that instead of taking care of yourself someone should take care of you once in a while?"
He gazes at me with such intensity that I have to look away. I don't know what to say to his last statement. What does he mean?
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. Come we have to hurry if we are going to make the movie on time." He smiles as rises and pulls back my chair for me.
As we make our way to the theater, I realize that we have never been alone for such a length of time before and that I have never spent a more pleasant evening. Even with Robert who is one of my best friends. William is one of the few people, besides Jane, that I have ever connected with so closely. Once at the ticket window as I reach for my purse the look William sends me is enough to make me let go of it and smile.
"I never would have pegged you as an old fashioned gentlemen." I tease gently.
"There are a lot of things about me that you don't know." So many things that I wish I could tell you, if only we had met under different circumstances. "Believe it or not my mother taught me how to treat a lady."
"I believe it. Tonight you have been the perfect gentleman. Your mother would be proud." I smile and impulsively grab his hand.
"Thank you." He says as he squeezes my hand. "Come on."
He places his hand on the small of my back as he opens the door and guides me through it. I feel a flame course through my body as he removes his hand that rested on my body for a moment that was too short. I feel my face begin to burn and I pray for the lights to go down so he won't see my blushing face. As we sit down, we are both uncharacteristically silent. Thankfully, the movie begins after only a short uncomfortable pause. I have never been through a more uncomfortable time in my life. I scaresly watched the movie due to Williams close proximity.
"Are you alright?"
I jump at the sound of his voice so near my ear.
"I'm fine, just watching the movie."
"If you're sure, you haven't laughed in the past twenty minutes. Smile you are supposed to be having a good time." He says as he flashes one of his dazzling smiles at me.
"Okay if you insist." I whisper back and smile. I settle back into my seat feeling somewhat better.
I enjoyed the rest of the film although our friendly whisperings unnerve me. Feeling his lips so near my ear sends pleasurable sensations and longing through me that I never knew existed. This one man encompasses my whole life's feelings of love and happiness. The despair of not being able to reach out and touch him, clasp his hand or kiss his lips is better than never knowing him at all. I turn and watch his face, memorizing his features as if I will never see them again. In that moment, he belongs to no one. There is no fiancé waiting at home for him, no empty bed for me. We are together and for this space in time, I can imagine that he is mine. He turns and catches my eyes on him. He smiles and my mouth subconsciously responds. Playfully he grabs my chin and turns me to face the screen.
"Come now, I am sure that this is infinitely more interesting than myself. "
His breath leaves me covered in goosebumps as I shake my head imperceptibly to the negative.
William
This is torture. To be so near her and unable to touch her, to feel her warm breath on my ear and long for her lips to be somewhere else. I try to banish these thoughts from my mind and then I turn and find her eyes on my face. The look in them is indiscernible. Is there something wrong with me? Why is she studying me? As I reach out and turn her face towards the screen. Never have I felt so much pleasure in touching another human being. What would be her ideal husband? Silly question, Robert. I hope he deserves her because if he doesn't and he hurts her then so help me, I won't be responsible for what happens. I will be her friend and protector since I can never be anything more. I watch her eyes and her smile. Now I am the one staring. She turns and smiles at me and it is her turn to pull my face back to the movie. The softest of her touch ensures that I will not be able to pay attention the rest of the film.
Elizabeth
"William, do we have to head straight home?" I ask after several minutes of silence.
"No, what did you have in mind?"
"I don't know I just don't wan to go home the an empty house. I want to just keep on walking into this beautiful night and never go home." I trail off as I stare up at the sky. "I miss the stars. You can never see the stars."
"I know of a little park not too far from here. Maybe we can catch a glimpse of the night sky?"
"That sounds wonderful."
For two people whose whole relationship has revolved around their ability to talk to each other we don't have much to say to one another. As we walk my depression grows. Yet, it is of an unusual nature. I am upset that I am free and he is still with the one he loves. I will never be able to have the only person that I have ever wanted. It is strange how you can be the object of someone's desire for so long and you ignore them. Then when you desire someone it is supposed to be the most important thing in the world.
"Elizabeth" William softly says as his fingertips graze my arm. "I lost you again."
"Sorry I haven't been very good company this evening."
"Nonsense, you've been fine, but we're here."
The park is a haven in the middle of the city, a little bit of green in a sea of grey.
"Lovely perfectly lovely." I sigh as the magic of the night helps me forget my feelings.
"I come here when I need to ground myself. This is the one place where I relax."
As we wander through the park, the feelings of despair descend upon me. This time the tear prick at my eyelids.
"William, I would like to go home now please." I say thickly trying to hold the tears at bay.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine, I just feel a little tired. It has been a long day. Please." I plead.
"Sure. Are you positive that you are okay? Do you need to talk? " William asks his eyes searching mine.
"Yes, I am fine. Please can we go home." I say on the verge of tears.
"Of course."
As we walk home, I try to keep my face from his as the tears pour down it. I have to get control of myself. Even if I am not his friend, I will still have to see him in professional situations.
William
Why won't she trust me with what is bothering her? I could see the pain in her eyes long before the tears began to fall. If only she would open up to me I would do anything to save her from the pain that she now feels. If only I knew what to do for her.
Elizabeth
"Thank you for a wonderful evening. I am sorry I have been so depressed. I will see you later." I try to rush up the steps and put my key in the door. No sooner have I opened the door than I feel a hand on my arm.
"Elizabeth, what is wrong? You have to tell me I am not going to leave you here alone after I know that you have been crying for the past fifteen minutes. You are either going to tell what is wrong right now or I am going to stand here all night." He says with such force and power that I acquiesce.
"Come in." I let him in before me and I sit down heavily on the couch, trying to keep the tears away again.
"Let it go, come on you will feel much better." William says as he sits next to me and puts his arms around me.
It feels so wonderful that there is no way to hold back the feelings that have been building up inside of me. The dam breaks and I let go of everything that has been building up inside of me. I would cry forever if I knew he would always hold me just as he is holding me now.
William
As terrible as I feel that she is crying I never want her to stop. Holding her even in tears is better than empty arms. Her little body quakes in mine and I try to calm her. I long to take her and kiss away her pain. Slowly the sobs quieting into hiccups.
Elizabeth
"I am so sorry. I hate crying in front of people. I turn all red and..and..."
"Shush you are fine. Where do you keep your Kleenex's?" He looks around the room and returns with a box, "Here blow."
"Thank you."
"Now will you tell me why you are crying?" He asks with a look that will not allow me to turn away.
I take a deep breath and tell him most of my story leaving out the part about him. "And so it is over, Robert broke our engagement this afternoon," I say in a thick voice that is not my own, "But do you want to know the truth? I am a terrible person because I am not that sad about it. I feel fine."
"Oh really. So the crying for the past half hour, that was just what? Stress relief?" William asks incredulously.
"Yes, the stress of having to tell everyone and face their disappointment." I finish lamely. I realize I have to lie to him. The truth would never work. How do you tell someone that you have been crying for him? That the moments that he held you in his arms were the happiest and the saddest of your entire life. I stare into his eyes and for a moment I see something in them that I long for, "I guess, I am... " I trail off as I lean forward enthralled by his eyes and his lips that are moving but making no sound.
Then just like in the movies; Magic. Our lips meet and I am filled with the most delicious sensation of my life. Instinctively our arms are wound around each other. I move my arms up his back and into his hair. His arms are so wonderful so strong yet amazingly gentle. There has never been a sensation like this before. I feel as if I am floating and the only thing holding me to the ground are his arms and his lips. It is the one moment in my life that I never want to end.
Chapter 12
It is even better than the dreams that I have been having over the past few weeks about him. His kiss makes me feel like I am the only person in the world. Every other person on earth could disappear and I would not care as long as this moment goes on forever. Then, somewhere in middle of this paradise he pulls away.
"Oh God, Elizabeth. I am so sorry." William says with the solemnest face I have ever seen.
"Sorry?"
"I didn't mean to take advantage of you, I am so sorry. I know you must be heartbroken about Robert and here I am letting myself...." He trails off before he can finish the sentence. But, I know where it is leading. He is trying to comfort me and here I am throwing myself at him. I am so ashamed.
"No, I am sorry. I should never have done that to you. I mean here you are trying to be a friend and I take advantage of that. I am so, so sorry. I know how you feel about Caroline and I am jeopardizing your relationship."
"Caroline? What does she have to do with this?" He rises from the couch and begins pacing in front of me.
"You love her and here I am trying to be a replacement for her." I begin to cry again, knowing that I have destroyed any hope of remaining his friend. Knowing that I will have to live my life loving him but never being with him.
"Love? Caroline? My God, you think that I am here with you because I love Caroline?" He asks me with a look in his eyes that I can't discern.
"Yes, I am your friend...just your friend, and she is your fiancé. You love her and you are going to marry her." I say aloud but really, it is just for myself.
We both turn as voices are heard outside.
"Elizabeth, we have to talk about this but not now. There is something that we need to clear up." He says quickly just before Jane and Charles enter.
"Hello, you two, " Jane begins before she sees me, "What is wrong?" She asks as she rushes to my side.
"Nothing, Jane. I am fine. I was just talking to William about this afternoon and then I started crying." I say as I try to sound cheery.
"Fine, Lizzy are you sure?"
"I am sure. It has just been all the stress lately. Come, let's have some tea." I jump up and head into the kitchen very aware of William's eyes on me.
"I'll help." Jane offers and she follows me out of the room.
William
"Will what is going on here?" Charles asks as soon and Jane and Elizabeth leave the room.
"Nothing. It is just what she said. We went out, had a great time at first, and then she began to grow quieter. I thought she was just tired. Then as we were walking home she began to cry. When we got here, I wouldn't leave until she told me what was wrong. She told me right before you and Jane came in."
"So, she told you about Robert?"
"Yes."
"What are you going to do?" Charles asks pointedly.
"I am going to be her friend and be there for her." I state, hoping to evade the true meaning of his question.
"Don't play dumb with me. Jane and I have been talking. We have both noticed the way you two behave when you are together. I am not going to treat you like a child. You are a grown man, but there is another person whose feelings I feel I have to protect. I know you don't love her and I don't know why it has gone this far. If you are trying to please Caroline by going along with her wishes, stop. She will be much happier if you let her go and leave her to find someone else. And I think you will be, too. You have the chance to be with someone you really care about. Don't ruin my sister's life and your own by going through with this marriage." Great speech!
"Charles, I don't know what to say." I answer dumbfounded, what just happened? "I never knew I was so easy to read."
"It comes with the territory. I haven't put up with you for all of these years without learning something, my friend."
"I am sorry about..."
"Don't say anything. I know whose idea the whole thing was. I am just asking you to fix the mess she made." Charles smiles at me.
"Thank you, now if I was only sure about Elizabeth."
"What do you mean? Didn't you hear what I just told you?"
"Yes, but you haven't been here for the past half hour listening to her cry over another man."
"Will...." He trails off, as Jane's voice becomes audible and she and Elizabeth move into the room. "Perfect timing. I was just getting hungry." Charles says as he eyes the cake on the tray.
"Hungry? We just finished eating two hours ago!" Jane cries in disbelief.
"Two hours, I can't believe I made it that long. "
Charles manages to distract everyone with his jokes and endless chatter. I try to stay involved but find my eyes drawn to her. I watch as she smiles, but I see that she isn't involved in what is going on. Every so often our eyes meet but she looks away quickly. Watching her eyes and seeing Jane and Charles together lead me to a decision that I made a long time ago but until tonight I didn't have the courage to carry out. Charles is right I can't marry Caroline. I can't go through a life without love, and although I don't believe what Charles said about Elizabeth, I know that I can't go back to being a man who would marry without love. I will be her friend for as long as she will have me and perhaps someday when the light of Robert's love has left her heart, I will have the chance to show her my love. With the feeling of her lips still burning on mine I make my excuses and leave the house to put my plans for freedom in motion. I allow myself on last look in her direction and hope that one day she will gaze with love in my direction.
Elizabeth
As Jane follows me into the kitchen, I know what will happen next. Right on cue Jane begins to speak.
"Lizzy what is really going on?"
"Nothing. I told you I got upset about Robert and poor William was trying to comfort me."
"Fine. Treat me like I am a fool. I know there is something wrong. You weren't that upset this afternoon. Why would you suddenly be unhappy now? "
"It just took a while for reality to sink in." I turn away and look out of the window.
"It sunk in alright, but its not what you are telling me about. You know Charles is his best friend and we were talking at dinner about you two."
"Jane, you are turning into mom. You forgot one not so tiny detail. Caroline. He is in love with someone else. He is marrying her. There is no way that he feels anything more for me than that of a good friend." I say suddenly getting angry, why does it have to be true? "Now can we please talk about something else?"
"Sure, we how was your movie?"
The conversation turns away from me and allows me sometime to think. What does he want to talk to me about? How does he feel about me? I have to find some way to apologize for my behavior tonight. As we enter the living room, I notice him sitting quietly watching my every move. What is wrong with me that he has to study me so? Why has he suddenly become so quiet? Then without warning he rise and says he has to go.
"I am sorry to run out on everyone but it has been a long week. Don't get up; I can show myself out." He says as he almost runs out of the apartment.
Well, that settles it. He was studying me because he was trying to find out what kind of person I am. He realized that I am not worthy of being his friend after my behavior tonight and he couldn't wait to be out of my presence. I am sure Caroline must look like an angel compared to me. I guess I will just have to learn to live with the fact that the only man I could ever love has just walked out of my life forever.