Posted on Sunday, 23 January 2000
Authors' note: Yeah we know we haven't finished Did I Miss Something? but we're working on it. We got this idea though and just couldn't help ourselves. This is a cross between Spaceballs and P&P! If you haven't seen Spaceballs, then you don't know what you're missing! Happy reading! :-)
List of Characters:
The Good Guys
Lizzy Bennet a.k.a. "Fine Eyes"
Jane Bennet a.k.a. "Bambi"-A Woe from Planet Longbourn
The Bennet Family-Peers from Planet Longbourn
Prince Darcy of Planet Derbyshire
Bingley-a Seedy Rom 'Droid
Princess Anne Valium
Queen Catherine De Bourgh-Queen of Planet Derbyshire
Fitzwilliam Yogurt-Master of the Scone
Caroline Bingley a.k.a. "Bright Feathers"
Colonel Wickham Sanders
Collins-President of the Rosings
Once upon our warped minds, errrrr... We mean time warp,
In a galaxy very, very,very,very,
very, very, far away, there live a ruthless
race of beings known as...
The evil leaders of Planet Rosing
having foolishly squandered their precious
atmosphere, have devised a secret plan
to take every breath of air away
from their peace-loving neighbor,
Today is Prince Darcy's wedding day.
Unknownst to the prince, but knownst to us,
danger lurks in the stars above...
If you can read this, you don't need Hukd on Foniks!
A long, dark ship passes by...
It's still going...
Man this is one long ship!
Hmmmmmm... nap time...
Is it still going?
Argh! Yes it is!
Come on already!
Finally! The back of the ship! Wait a minute? What does that bumper sticker say? "Horn not working, watch for finger?" Hahahahaha!
Inside the ship...
A Rosing sat at a terminal. Spotting a blip on his computer screen, he leaped to his feet and ran over to Colonel Wickham Sanders. "Sir! You told me to let you know when Planet Derbyshire is in sight, sir!"
Colonel Sanders turns and looks at him stupidly. "So?"
"Planet Derbyshire is in sight, sir!"
"You're really a Rosing, you know that?"
The Rosing blushed and said, "Thanks, sir!"
"Did you notify Bright Feathers?"
"Yes sir, I took the liberty. She's on her way."
A voice bellows, "All rise in the presence of Bright Feathers!"
The blast doors open with Bright Feathers standing just outside. Nothing could be seen of her since she was covered from head to toe with feathers (like Cousin It but with feathers). She stalked down the aisle, the sound of her rasping breath echoing off the walls. The Rosings cowered with fear as she passed.
Bright Feathers stopped in front of Colonel Sanders, gasping and wheezing for a few minutes. Suddenly, she swept aside the feathered cape and screeched, "I can't breathe in this thing!"
Colonel Sanders stands at attention. "We are approaching Planet Derbyshire!"
Bright Feathers smirked. "Good! I'll call Rosing City and inform President Collins immediately." She walked over to the phone and started dialing.
"Uh I already called him, ma'am!" the Rosing exclaimed. "He already knows everything!"
Bright Feathers turned and glared at him. "What? You went over my feathers?"
"Well not actually over! More to the side, ma'am," the Rosing stammered. "I'll always call you first! It'll never happen again! Never, ever!" Bright Feathers glared at the cowering imbecile and pulled out her Scone. "Oh s**t!" the Rosing cried, clutching his throat in fear. "Oh please! No, no! Please! Not that! Anything but that!"
Bright Feathers covered herself in feathers again. "Yes, that!" She aimed the Scone at him and pudding shot out, covering the Rosing from head to toe.
"OH NO! NOT PISTACHIO! I HATE PISTACHIO!" The Rosing collapsed on the ground and was dragged away by the guards.
Bright Feathers turned and screamed, "Sanders!"
"I don't see Planet Derbyshire! Where is it?"
"We don't have visual contact yet but we have it on radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?"
"Nah, never mind," Bright Feathers said irritably. "I'll do it myself!"
"Very good, ma'am!"
Bright Feathers stormed over to a huge machine. She stopped and stared at it before turning to Sanders and demanding, "What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?"
"No ma'am!" Sanders said proudly. "That's Mr. Tea! Care for some?"
At that moment, Mr. T entered the bridge and glared at the occupants. "Who said my name, foo!"
The authors rush in and grab Mr. T. "Come on you! Wrong story!" They drag him kicking and screaming of the scene.
Sanders cleared his throat. "Anyway, like I was saying... Would you care for some tea, ma'am? Sugar, cream, honey?"
Bright Feathers face turned red with anger. "Yes! I always have tea when I watch radar. You know that! Everybody knows that!"
"Of course we do, ma'am!" Sanders agreed.
"Of course we do, ma'am!" the crew shouted fearfully.
Bright Feathers snatched the cup of tea from Sanders and said, "Now that I have my tea, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?"
Sanders walked over to the machine next to Mr. Tea, which was labeled Mr. Radar. "Right here, ma'am. Switch to teleview!"
"There it is! Planet Derbyshire!" Bright Feathers said with a triumphant smile. "And underneath the airshield, ten thousand years of fresh air! We must get through that airshield!"
"We will ma'am! Once we kidnap the prince, we can force his mother, Queen Catherine, to give us the combination to the airshield, thereby destroying Planet Derbyshire and saving Planet Rosing! And then you shall have Prince Darcy all to yourself!"
Bright Feathers stares out at the audience. "Everybody got that! Good!" She turned back to Sanders. "When will the prince be married?"
"Within the hour ma'am!"
"Well I hope it's a long ceremony, cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon! Heh heh heh heh heh!" Bright Feathers smirked as she took a gulp of her tea. "Mmmmm! Mrphmmmm! Mmmmmrphmmmm!" Her eyes bulged out of her head as Sanders pounds her on the back. She spit the tea out, the feathered robe falling over her face. "Hot! Too hot!" came her muffled yell.