Jump to new as of June 4, 1999
Jump to new as of June 14, 1999
Posted on Tuesday, 1 June 1999
1969
"Swinging baby!" Austin Darcy let the wind go through his hair. He smiled at the bird that was next to him and let the shagmobile rip up the road. Then Basil Bingley came on.
"Austin, there's a rumor that Dr. Wickevil will go to the Electric Meryton Pussy Cats club. Be there at 6 sharp."
"Of course I'll be there! My middle name is Danger you know." He gave another smile to the girl sitting next to him.
"I thought it was Fitzwilliam." Basil looked puzzled.
"I changed it. Danger Darcy is more my scene."
Basil shrugged and went off the screen.
The Pussycats club was the most popular of the nightclubs of London's scene. It was also Austin's second home. That was, if he had a home. Being a British man of mystery means that you don't live long in one place, baby. He and the girl (Mrs. Fanny Bennett, although she secretly liked Austin better than Mr. Bennett) went to the center of the dance floor and danced a couple. They would have danced more had not a gunman shot at them. Austin and Fanny loaded their weapons and ran up the stairs to catch the gunman. It was Dr. Wickevil!
"Wickevil I have you now." Austin smiled at his foe.
"Not yet Austin, come Mr. Danny, to the cryogenic freezing chamber." Wickevil ran into a chamber that looked remarkably like a good boy burger. Austin shot at the chamber but it was bullet proof! Don't you hate when that happens?
"Austin! What will you do now?" Fanny looked concerned.
"I'll just have to frozen to save the world whenever he comes back, baby."
"Oh my nerves!" Fanny fainted.
Next Installment of Austin Darcy
1999
Three leaders gathered in the building. The room looked like it could take off at any moment. It had those black leather swirly chairs.
The one from America coughed.
Everyone else said "yes?"
He said, "No, I just have a cough."
Finally the British one started.
"As we all know the horrible Dr. Wickevil has returned! We don't know what to do! Oh my nerves!"
"Well, I have an idea!" The one that did not look to have a country stood up.
"What is it?"
"We will unfreeze Austin Darcy!"
"You have him?"
"My people froze him 30 years ago."
"One thing. Who are your people?"
"Why, I work for Microsoft. We're applying for country status right as we speak."
"Good lord!"
Austin opened his eyes. He shut them quickly. Not because the light was too bright but because anyone that woke up to the face of Basil Bingley tried to close their eyes as fast as possible.
"Austin, we have great news and bad news."
"The bad news?"
"Dr. Wickevil has returned!"
"The good?"
"We managed to unfreeze you without Windows 98 crashing."
"So?"
"That's gotta be some kind of record. We used it for 5 minutes and it didn't crash."
"You have problems."
"No Austin, you don't understand. In this day and age a non-crashing Windows 98 is a big deal."
"What time is this?"
"Hmmm, let me see. I think its 1996. Yes that must be it."
An aid whispered something in his ear.
"Oh dear, I mean its 1999! Do excuse me."
"Absolutely."
"Now we must introduce to you your new partner, Miss Bennett."
"Good god! Not Fanny, anyone but her! Hasn't that old bag died yet?"
"Austin, this is her daughter, Miss Elizabeth Bennett. And do try to be nice, I have a crush on her sister."
"You're older than her father."
"But I have 50,000,000 a year Austin. Money can buy you all the viagra and cosmetic surgery you need to close the age gap."
"Bring in Miss Bennett."
Austin steeled himself for a nasty shock. He remembered that Bennett bird all too well. Her daughter would probably be just as horrible. It was beyond him why anyone was dumb enough to marry Fanny Bennett.
However, he did not ponder the situation over much because at that moment Elizabeth walked in. She was one of those very shagadelic chicks. You know the ones that make you randy.
"Hello Mr. Darcy."
"Hello Fanny, I mean, Elizabeth."
"Uh, nice to meet you."
"My god, you're beautiful. Tell me have you ever shagged in an luggage compartment of an airplane?"
"No."
"Neither have I, but I'd like to with you."
Elizabeth slapped him and walked out of the room.
Posted on Thursday, 3 June 1999
Elizabeth looked for some aspirin. It was the plane, she thought. Any plane that was tie-dyed had to be bad news. Especially when it came with a horny (okay he was handsome but…) agent who thought he was all that and some more. She glared at the record player and shut it off. Austin came in.
"My god! Lizzy! Why'd you shut off the groovy music?"
"It was giving me a margarine. And it was not groovy." She snapped.
"Well, if you're gonna be that way, then babe I'm gonna be just as mean to you." Austin turned his back on her and stored out of the room.
Elizabeth now ran her hands through her hair. First, there was that awful bed. Where'd did he get the idea that she wanted to sleep with him? Probably from her mother. Then there was his repeated 60's slang. And his tapes. She was pretty sure that some of them were illegal.
Austin muttered something to himself. He knew she liked him. She was just so serious. It really hurt him that she hated him. She just didn't understand him. Well, she had her prejudices so he could have his pride. And he'd show her.
Elizabeth woke up. She got dressed then groaned realizing that she was still on the shag-plane. Taking the fuzzy rug she found she marched into to the kitchenette (done in tasteful purple swirls) and stuffed the rug into the blender.
Austin came in.
Austin did not say anything.
Elizabeth cracked.
"Hello Austin." She put some water in the blender.
Austin looked at her as if she was dirt.
"Hello Miss Bennett. I do hope you've had a nice sleep."
"Yes I did. Without you in fact." She added strawberries too.
"That is very nice." He said in a voice that meant the opposite.
"Yes it is." She added bananas.
Silence. Then Elizabeth poured the mixture out into a cup and handed it to Austin.
"What is this?"
Your breakfast." She glided out of the room.
Austin was almost speechless. The only thing he could say was "Shaggadelic."
Posted on Sunday, 13 June 1999
Dr. Wickevil glared around the room, holding Mr. Denny. He put his pinky to his mouth in happiness. He had tons of delightful henchmen and Austin was back. He supposed that it was a bad thing however who else would he get to be dunked into a vat of sharks with fricking lasers on their heads?
"Dr. WickEVIL?" Shouted the lady sitting next to him.
"Yes Frau Caroline?"
"Remember how you said that we could make you a son if Mr. Denny died? Well…"
"Mr. Denny's still alive!" He started pounding on his desk.
"Yes he is, but…"
"He's still alive!"
"Okay… I…"
"HE'S STILL ALIVE!"
"YES HE IS!!! I just want to say that I got a little bit impatient, as all of my evil hench-friends were having children and I wanted to torture a brat. Bring in SCOTT!"
Loud blaring music filled the room. Dr. Wickevil was happy, if his son was half as bad as the music he played he would be perfect.
Instead stepped in a boy wearing clashing colors and with bright red hair. And he had a cute puppy in his arms.
"Yo whatsup? Who's the old geezer?"
"Scott, this is your FATHER!" Frau Caroline looked proud.
Scott took one look at the doctor. "H#ll no."
"Yes I am, Scott. And look, Mr. Denny's your brother." Dr. Wickevil made Mr. Denny wave to Scott. Then Mr. Denny saw the dog. He leapt from the lap and started chasing the dog.
"Then where have you been all this time? Why does ruling the world mean that I can't spend time with you? I hate you dad." Scott left but not before kicking Mr. Denny and picking up his puppy.
"Oh well." Dr. Wickevil remained unconcerned. "Now to business. I have a plan. There is a Miss Lydia Bennett. She posses an atomic temper. I suggest we steal some atomic material and use her to as the starting device… unless the world pays us ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
"Ahem." It was number two. "One million dollars today stinks. Even the Bennetts make more than that."
"Why don't you tell me these things! Fine, fine… ONE BILLION DOLLARS seems to be fair."
"Bring in LYDIA!" Frau Caroline called.
The lovely Lydia was carried into the room, spewing bad language. Dr. Wickevil grabbed her and went to the TV set labeled "recording TV for UN". He turned it on.
"Gentlemen of the UN…" He started.
"And women too." Lydia shouted.
"Both sexes of the UN, I have Miss Lydia Bennett here."
"That's Miss Lydia Delores Bennett to you!" Lydia again shouted.
"You know that if she was to come in contact with any nuclear material she would make it blow up."
"That's not true, it just does blow up!" Lydia shouted again.
"I have her and I have some atomic material. I will use both of them unless you pay me ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
"One billion you retard!" Lydia put her two cents in.
"All right Lydia I've had enough from you. Go kiss Mr. Denny and see how many scratches you get. Gentlemen I mean one Billion dollars." He turned of the TV set and sat back down. Then he laughed an evil laugh for a long time. A really long time. An extremely long time.