Beginning, Section II
Jump to new as of November 30, 1999
Jump to new as of December 2, 1999
Jump to new as of December 6, 1999
Part 465.9373 Posted on Thursday, 18 November 1999
Elizabeth had very little to do with herself now that Jane and Charlotte left. She had no friends to speak of in the area as all her school friends were in university and all of her university friends were back in Oxford.
Elizabeth took to working hard and decided she was now a genius parallel to Einstein, until she went to the supermarket and found she couldn't add up her shopping in her head.
She briefly considered a part time job but balked at that thought when she realised it would mean early mornings and dirty manual work.
She heard from Jane within a week of her leaving. The phone conversation went thus:
Elizabeth: all right mate! Miss ya I do!Jane: Elizabeth, the worst has happened. I went to see Caroline Bingley the other day.
Elizabeth: Why?
Jane: it's only polite.
Elizabeth: you're only meant to be polite to humans, dearest.
Jane: Elizabeth!
Elizabeth: sorrry. Continue sis.
Jane: well. She wasn't in at first. So I left a message. She came to see me 3 days later. Then, she spent the entire time either talking about Georgiana-bloody-Darcy or acting like she wanted to be somewhere else. Bitch. Then, she said she may come and see me again, if she had time. I was so tempted to tell her what to do with her time.
Elizabeth: I would have.
Jane: I know. I have been totally deceived. I hate her.
Elizabeth: I miss you, sis. When you back?
Jane: About April, in time for you're birthday. What you doing?
Elizabeth: I'm meant to be off to Hunsford. I don't want to though.
Jane: why?
Elizabeth: cor blimy. For someone who goes to Cambridge you really are dumb.
Jane: You suck.
Elizabeth: I really do.
Jane: I gotta go. I'll ring you soon.
Elizabeth: bye.
Jane: bye.
The conversation left Elizabeth just a little perplexed. Shrugging to herself she inhaled a Terry's chocolate orange bar and had a refreshing glass of milk.
Elizabeth found herself sat with her mother for some intangible reason. Her mother was scolding her for not liking Peter Wickham.
"Elizabeth, listen to me instead of fiddling with that book. Do you understand. He is seeing Mary King. What do you mean who? M-A-R-Y K-I-N-G! You are stupid. You let all the good ones go, why?"
"I'm a lesbian?"
"Stop being stupid and listen. Why?"
"Because I like to see you mad at me?"
"Be serious."
"Oh. But I am."
With no greater events than these in the Longbourn family, and otherwise diversified by little beyond the walks to the pub, sometimes drunk, sometimes not, did January and February pass away.
Elizabeth, Maria and William Lucas (did I mention he was frightfully posh?) were driven to Hunsford by a personal chauffeur in a limousine (as William Lucas was frightfully posh - have I done this to death yet?) with blackened out windows and, much to Elizabeth's delight, a mini bar and a TV.
Making a stop off in London so Elizabeth could see Jane she was half drunk by the time she arrived and Jane, Aunt Gardiner and Elizabeth resolved on going to the pictures that night to see the Blair Witch Project.
Sat in the main isle Elizabeth held a huge box of pop corn, a can of smuggled in Newcastle Brown ale, a bag of Skittles and a roll of Polo's.
What she didn't see was Fitzwilliam Darcy sat 5 rows behind her.
He saw her though.
As the film started people began chattering with fear, including Jane and Aunt Gardiner. Elizabeth however was much too wrapped up with polishing off her can of ale and crunching merrily on pop corn and Jane's ice from her coke.
Pinching Jane's coke Elizabeth removed a 4 tot bottle of vodka from her pocket and poured the contents in. Polishing off this she set to work on the skittles, simultaneously eating pop corn.
Getting fed up with having to use 2 hands to eat, one to force the pop corn into the mouth, the other to eat the skittles she up-ended the bag of skittles into the popcorn and chomped merrily away.
Fitzwilliam couldn't stop laughing.
He wanted to go talk to her. He was just about to make his way over when he saw Jane.
He felt a twitch in his stomach.
Was it guilt?
Naa.
Never.
What would I do for that vodka?
Having run out of things to eat she ate the polo's in one go. Fishing in her pocket she found a bar of chocolate she nicked from the frightfully posh William Lucas. She guessed it was frightfully posh and swallowed it without chewing.
A girl and a boy in front of Elizabeth stood up and announced they were leaving as the girl was scared. Elizabeth reached over and stole the chocolate bar they left in their wake.
It was half eaten but hey? Waste not...
She then found a pack of cigarettes in her pocket. Peeling the no smoking sticker from the seat in front she lit up and kicked back.
When the purser came to tell her off for smoking a glower and a growl sent him packing.
As the pack was relinquished the snack lady came. The movie had hit a screaming high and Elizabeth was forced to choke down 4 Advil to calm the head ache she developed.
Reaching forward to the clenched fist of a patron she plucked the Rolo's from the fist and began plopping them into her open maw. The patron screamed "Ahhhhhhhhh! The Blair Witch stole my Rolo's and legged it out of the cinema.
Someone sat alone seemed to pass out with terror. Elizabeth shrugged, extracted their ice lolly and returned the wallet she found earlier.
Jane was curled up fetal in terror. Aunt Gardiner poked Elizabeth and suggested she take her home.
"You wan go home?" Elizabeth asked, her mouth obscured by a lolly.
"No. I have to see what happens."
"It's pretty obvious. It was the teacher, weren't it."
"SHUUUUUUUSH!" The collective audience shouted.
"Ah, go screw yourselves. I haven't even been paying attention and I sussed it out! You mock me with you're stupidity!"
Aunt Gardiner and Elizabeth took the terrified Jane home. On the way out Fitzwilliam took the chance to reach out and brush Elizabeth's jeans with his hand.
Well, he liked the look of them!
The idea for this bit was unwittingly given to me by Janey. HA! This is a collection like no other...
To cheer Jane up Elizabeth let her go through her suitcase and take the mick about all the useless stuff she brought.
"Elizabeth?"
"What?"
"What's in the box?"
"All the things I hold dearest."
"Its dead heavy? What's in here? Bricks?"
"No..."
Jane tore the lid of the Cuban Cigar box and marveled at the contents.
Packet of Fags (empty with phone number on back) One of.
Lable from bottle of Vodka, Martini, Jack Daniels and Pernod. Several of.
Small, rusty, possibly once red tin toy fire engine. One of.
Tin of Carling. Empty one of.
Shoelace. One purple one of.
Tin shoe. Possibly stolen from fathers monopoly set. One of.
But most astonishingly..
Several small pieces of a rock like substance.
"Elizabeth, hon. What the hell is all this crap?"
"My collection of things."
"What's with the tin of Carling?"
"From when Newcastle qualified for the FA Cup."
"The fire engine?"
"Me lucky red fire engine?"
"And the stones?"
"Well, you collect interesting jewels, Dad collects stamps. I collect Granite."
"Granite?"
"Yes."
"Granite?"
"Yes."
"Elizabeth. You do not have you're mental health."
Shrugging she gulped a can of ale in one and lit a smoke. Jane just shook her head muttering "At least I have my mental health."
Elizabeth left for Hunsford soon after. When she asked if she could drive the limo she was greeted with a stern "NO!" as the limo was very expensive an Elizabeth was very drunk. They arrived at Hunsford at 9pm and was driven to a small cottage on the edge of some arable land. As they drove to the driveway Elizabeth looked in the window and was astonished by what she saw...
Posted on Saturday, 20 November 1999
Elizabeth had come to Hunsford expecting to see that Charlotte had somehow managed to get William into nice Farrah's, a Ben Sherman shirt and nice shoes. She expected a nice semi detached bungalow with a nice back yard and a dog and 2 cats.
Instead William Collins met them at the gate wearing a pair of very tacky 80's looking Bermuda shorts and no shirt which showed off his sweaty chest covered with layer upon layer of spare tyre's and worse still, he had had his long hair permed and cut into a mullet. His skin was greasy and he still had the acne Elizabeth had rid of when she was 14.
Charlotte was almost the same as the last time Elizabeth had seen her. She wore a scowl and had had her hair cut very short. When she saw Elizabeth was there she smiled in relief.
The house on the inside was a terrible clash of William gross, sick taste and contained statues of decapitated limbs or naked nymphs and Charlottes excellent taste. The decapitated statues and gross paintings would have looked obsidian had it not been for the lime green walls and yellow skirting boards.
The garden was an over grown mass of weeds, grass and pansies. There was no dog, no cats, just a snake ("he's called Cranston, isn't he marvelous?" "No William. He is gross. Get it away from me.").
Elizabeth was lead to a room which she could only describe as a closet. Realising she was to store her clothes in her suitcase she checked the bed only to find William stood at the door asking her to take care with the counterpane, as it was expensive.
"What the bloody hell is a counterpane?" she asked herself when the weird little man left. Shrugging she went over to the window and attempted to damage it.
Charlotte soon came in and sat on the bed. Elizabeth now saw she looked terrible. Her skin was pasty, her eyes had bags under them, her hair was lifeless and she had lost weight.
"What's up mate?" Elizabeth asked with a look of genuine concern.
"Nothing. I'm glad you're here Elizabeth. I needed some distraction."
"Why? The area doesn't suite you?"
"I hate it here."
"Then I have just the cure for you."
"And do I need to ask or will I be going to find the glitter?"
"Correct Charlotte. Where is the nearest club?"
Elizabeth said Charlotte could borrow her clothes now as she had lost so much weight. As she tried on a backless number William came in and gave Charlotte a revolting look of desire.
"You look lovely Charlotte. Is cousin Elizabeth allowing you to try on some of her clothes?"
"We're going out clubbing tonight William."
His face went from chokka with lust to hard with anger.
"You are not Charlotte. Do you not know what we are doing tonight."
"Cousin William. I have come here to entertain Charlotte. She wont run away with an Italian count with a pert bottom and a nice head of hair(although I want her too.)"
"No, No, I will not allow it. Elizabeth, you may go, but Charlotte cannot."
"I am so not going clubbing on my own."
"William!" shouted Charlotte with a great amount of frustration in her voice.
"Charlotte. We must speak in private."
Elizabeth couldn't believe the scene which had just unfolded. She shrugged and fished around in her suitcase and smoked a whole packet of Regals and had half a bottle of Vodka to calm her down. She was so close to punching William she needed to get leathered to keep her sedated.
Elizabeth sent a message to Jane on her mobile. All it read was "Odds on survival, 100-1. How long will they last? 9 months tops."
Elizabeth, now thoroughly plastered heard a car roll up outside. She hung out of the window only to find a huge Ferrari screech to a halt. The driver obviously sucked as the tyre tracks went the length of the driveway.
"Memo to self" she muttered "do not drive with Ferrari girl."
As she hung out the window liberally blowing smoke rings she watched a scrawny looking girl put the top down on her car. She had bleached blond hair which hung lank down her back and had dark eyes. She looked like a heroin addict. William practically dived into the car with her. He sucked, instead of kissed her hand and couldn't take his eyes off her chest area (which was, grated, not apparent). He looked up at Elizabeth and waved for her to come down. She gave him the finger and sauntered away to find Charlotte.
"Who is the scrawny bird?"
"that would be Anne De Bourgh."
"The Anne De Bourgh?"
"Indeed."
"She's a bit fragile isn't she. Like you'd break her."
"Aye." Charlotte muttered. Anger at her husbands obvious groping of the young lady brought out the old accent.
Elizabeth couldn't stop thinking about the wide chest, broad shoulders and thick set muscles of Fitzwilliam Darcy compared to this fragile little thing. He'd probably break her with one hug.
"Isn't she coming in?"
"Na. She doesn't ever."
"Daft cow. Here. Have a fag and a tot or 10 of Vodka."
The pair got stuck straight into the vodka and Charlotte had a fag for the first time in years. William an in looking flushed and said in his patented pretentious voice:
"We have been invited to Lady Catherine De Bourgh's home tomorrow night for dinner. How lucky we are! It must be because of our wonderful guests, Maria and Mr. Lucas."
Walking away from Charlotte, who looked like she was about to bottle him, he stood above Elizabeth, who was so plastered now she was about to tell him he stank of BO said in a pretensions whisper:
"Now Elizabeth, you must be on you're best behaviour, or I will not allow you to go."
"Oh, go screw yourself." She muttered and vowed that tomorrow night she would show him up in every way possible.
Elizabeth and Charlotte got ready in the same room so they could have great slugs of Bacardi and smoke out the window.
Since William had asked Elizabeth not to wear anything too revealing she wore the most revealing skirt she could find. Since he asked her not to look her prettier than Anne De Bourgh she spent hours on her make up. Since he asked her to ensure she wasn't too drunk when she got there she ensured she had spent the day at the pub. Since he asked her not to smoke in case it agitated Anne's delicate lungs she smoked like a chimney and took a packet with her.
William was appalled. Elizabeth shut him up by blowing smoke in his face.
When William said they were to walk Elizabeth told him to get bent and Charlotte, Maria and Elizabeth clambered into a taxi leaving the men to walk through the mud and cow crap.
Charlotte was already brightening up. Since Elizabeth had arrived she had thrown out all her nunty clothes and purchased some nice Top-Shop clothes. She and Elizabeth had spent most the afternoon in the pub looking at the Next Directory and seemed to be cheering each other up.
Liz And Fitz Meet Again... Posted on Tuesday, 23 November 1999
When they arrived at ' Rosings' the first thing Elizabeth thought was how garish it was. Like the cottage looked like a major crash had happened there between the fashionable and the unfashionable, Rosings seemed like a crash between the Chintz and the 'Yah, we like Oak furniture, but only if it has come from ancient tree's which were essential to the environment, yah' style.
Elizabeth just thought ick.
She got in and was met by a butler, who looked like he had seen better day's and was now finding them in the bottom of a bottle of Whisky.
As for Lady Catherine, well. She was a stout old thickset grey haired lady with the same penitence for chintz clothing as chintz wallpaper.
She was not best impressed when Elizabeth refereed to her as "You're most Royal Highness Miss Katie De Iceberg."
Maria was petrified. She thought that her most Royal Highness would eat her alive and digest her for a thousand years.
William Lucas was excited; to be in the presence of someone of such grandeur was amazing to him, as he was so frightfully posh.
He and William talked about the noble Lady's ancestors and breeding like she was a Labrador dog.
The food was terrible. Elizabeth, who eats anything put in front of her, balked at the sight of the food. Having grown used to endless Chinese's and Indian takeaway's (chicken only, Elizabeth despised the taste of red meat) she saw the plate of bloody mass and felt like shooting the chef. The only reason, in her highly inebriated state, she ate it was because she realised she was being an ungrateful cow and people were starving.
She was then noticed by Her Royal Highness as being a pretty looking girl. Elizabeth felt like a cow at the cattle yard.
"Do you have any sister's? I understand you have no brothers as you're father's business is to go to William Collins after you're father is dead. Is that because the eldest daughter is not capable?"
Elizabeth growled.
"If not, I am pleased for William's sake that she is not."
"Myself and my sister's (small lie, went unnoticed) are perfectly capable of running my father's business, it is just we have far more about us than wanting to go into it. Unlike the reverent Mr. Collins here we have a life."
He he he he he.
"Do you play and sing?"
"I play the Playstation and sing with a hair brush in front of a mirror when I'm pissed."
"You should try our computer. It is capital! Cost £4,000. If it weren't for Anne's delicate health she would be able to use one."
"£4,000? You were ripped off."
She lit up then, topping her ash into a crystal champagne glass. Anne looked shocked so Elizabeth offered her one.
"Do you paint?"
"Painted me back passage bottle green."
"Do you have a governess for the younger sisters?"
"What do you think this is? The 1700's? Me sister's are sluts, no one in the right mind would look after them anyway."
"Do you're younger sister's go 'clubbing'"
"Aye. You sure you don't want a fag Anne?"
"What? At 15?"
"Aye, ye deaf or somet?"
"How old are you?"
"20. How old are you? A million?"
Elizabeth realised that Lady Catherine Del Piero was not listening to a word she said. She could have continued in this manner for the rest of the night but Mr. Collins, red from his hairline to his boots (possibly due to sweat rather than sensibility. Actually, certainly due to sweat.) decided this was a good time to go home. Elizabeth shrugged and bade farewell to Lady Cuban sur Cigar.
Sir William stayed for less than a week as, although he was meant to stay for two he realised that being so frightfully rich meant he should see his mistress more.
He wasn't missed.
Elizabeth asked Charlotte why she spent most of her time living in the back room, when she answered:
"William can't see me in here, I have a lock on the door and a TV. I'm a bloody genius."
Elizabeth couldn't help but applaud her.
A day scarcely passed when Lady Clock de Tick didn't pass by and call Charlotte for eating fashionable food instead of crappy gravy covered congealed mass.
Easter was coming up soon and while Elizabeth was getting excited about Easter eggs and posting them to her cousins William was trying to explain to her that she must stop smoking and drinking as it was bad for her. She constantly told him to go screw himself with a nail hammer.
One day William ran into the room at night when Elizabeth was fighting with a bottle of Vodka trying to open it and drooling over Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was just about to tell him to open the bottle for her then throw himself into a lake when he gave her interesting intelligence.
"Elizabeth, do you remember Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy?"
Fitzwilliam, mmm, let's see. Really sexy with interesting taste in tops? A heartbreaking crooked smile? Sexy car? Nice clothes? Hot body? Sexy droopy eyes? Basically an overall god with a devils personality? Similar to some Hellenistic Zeus?
"Wha?"
"He is coming to visit his aunt."
"Meh?"
"I must tell Charlotte."
He waddled off.
Elizabeth shrugged and went back to opening the bottle.
Within hours of his arrival Fitzwilliam came to visit. It was about 8 at night and Elizabeth and Charlotte had finally prevailed on William to let them go clubbing. He and his cousin, Squadron Leader Richard Fitzwilliam came in.
Elizabeth told the stunning Squadron Leader she liked his name. When he asked why she didn't feel at all stupid when she said:
"'Cause I quite fancy Sean Bean, and in Sharpe he's called Richard."
She heard Fitzwilliam choke.
Fitzwilliam wore a (why do I always go into great length and detail about his stupid clothes? I don't care. Don't even like him.) pair of nice black trousers and white crisp shirt which showed a spattering of black hair. The spattering of black hair made Elizabeth want to say "By the pattern of you're chest hair I may safely assume you are an excellent lover and would make a good life partner by keeping me entertained and being good with our offspring."
Of course, she didn't say that.
Dragging her eyes away from the hypnotic chest hair on Fitzwilliam she paid attention to Richard (can I call you Dick?)
He, like his cousin was a stunner. He had not inherited his unusual yet cool dress sense, obviously because he was an officer. He wore a nice suit and a white shirt. Very posh. Charlotte whispered he was an Earl and Elizabeth soon understood. She realised she must refer to him as Dick at all times from now on.
Dick had big pouty lips and a wide-eyed childish look about him. Jane would have adored him instantly but Elizabeth was too taken with his Cousin for any interest to develop.
Nonononononononono. Out with bad fancying Fitzwilliam thoughts.
For Fitzwilliam part he couldn't take his eyes of Elizabeth, something which Charlotte did not fail to notice. She had gained weight since he last saw her which had put much needed flesh on her bones. Her skin was beautiful and the way her eyes lit up when she smiled made him want to take her in his arms and set sail on the seven sea's.
He would have forced Richard to drag himself to the clubs with Elizabeth and Charlotte had it not been for his Aunt's forcing him to spend time with his cousin.
When the gentlemen left Charlotte and a slightly worse for wear Elizabeth made their way to the clubs where Charlotte took the mick out of Elizabeth for attracting the rich and gorgeous Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Elizabeth found herself spending several hours a day mooning about the house thinking about Fitzwilliam.
OK, not thinking, more, wondering.
OK, OK. She mooned about the house setting situations in which Fitzwilliam changed his personality and carried her off into the sunset.
Sad, I know.
They didn't see much of the handsome cousins except when Elizabeth skived out to the Off Licence to buy booze and Fags or when she went to put a bet on.
Well, Dick came to visit, and Elizabeth would try to moon about the house fantasising about him but every time, every situation the same ending came about. She would end up looking up into Fitzwilliam's big eyes and saying:
"Why yes, I understand totally that everything bad you have said and done was completely false. Yes, I would enjoy spending the rest of my life with you."
Gah! Must stop.
Part Somet or Other Posted on Monday, 29 November 1999
Elizabeth and Charlotte were sat in the toilet at the cottage having a fag (William had banned cigs and booze from the house, so Elizabeth and Charlotte had taken to spending time in the upstairs loo) and a cup of tea when William banged on the door.
"Charlotte? You've been there for a long time. Hurry up. Do you know where Elizabeth is?"
"She's in here with me."
"Why?"
"'Cause Elizabeth is explaining the principles of Feng Shui to me."
"Oh. Well, we have been invited to Lady Catherines home tonight for dinner."
Elizabeth, who had been paying no attention to the conversation what so ever looked up from her fag and said, with a child like look in her eye:
"Does that mean we get to see Fitzwilliam?"
She then realised what she said.
"Um, I mean, does that mean I get to see, um, mmm..."
Charlotte had a smile on her face which grew as the sentence continued.
"Wanna see Fitzwilliam Elizabeth?"
"No!"
The grin continued.
Elizabeth decided to try and stay sober. (Not cause she wanted to impress Fitzwilliam. Just get fed up of drinking sometimes).
She failed miserably and downed several shots before hand. She also bought a pack of the stinkiest smokiest cigs she could find, had to be done now didn't it?
Again, the dinner was so undercooked Elizabeth was not sure whether to rescue it or wonder for how long she would be suffering with salmonella.
When the noble Lady Cateract de Boring decided it was time to sit around telling them what they were doing wrong in their lives and how to make their lives more like hers.
She spent most of the evening convincing Fitzwilliam that Anne was, in fact, the most wonderful person on the planet. The lack of any conversational skills, education and looks were irrelevant as she was rich.
Elizabeth didn't know why Lady Conker de Bonkers didn't just say 'Fitzwilliam, if you don't breed with my daughter I will be forced to circumcise you with a rusty nail. Yah.'
Dick was growing on Elizabeth. She found herself really enjoying his company and in Dick found a fellow Smirnoff Silver drinker.
For some reason they started talking about bands/singers they like. He asked her to play him a song, as Fitzwilliam had told him she could play.
She sat down at the piano (despite glares and growls from Lady Minger Du Winger and William) and started to play one of the three songs she new well.
As it happened, Dick was a huge fan of the Beatles, so Elizabeth played Imagine which was a huge hit.
As she started to play some Rolling stones (rival to Beatles, had to be done) she saw Fitzwilliam rise and leave Lady Fairy du Cake mid conversation. She refused to look into his deep sexy, dark, long lashed, drooping...
BAH!!! Must stop with Fitzwilliam fantasies.
However, Elizabeth realised she was gone, as she was on the party. Only one way out of this. Take the piss out of him.
"Ah, Fitzwilliam, since you got up I can now tell my cousin about you, as I would not talk about you behind you're back now."
He got a cheeky look on his face fished around in her handbag. Pulling out her cigs and a lighter he grinned stupidly at her.
A look which did not escape the notice of Charlotte or Dick.
"Do tell me what he was like in company he does not know." Squealed Dick.
"Ah, he was appalling. Within the first few minutes of us meeting he had insulted my looks, my dress sense, my ancestors dating back to the times of Julius Caesar and my choice of tipple..."
"I'm sure I did no such thing."
"Well, OK, you insulted my looks, but Caroline told you I dressed like I was a magpie."
"You do."
"Un true, just like glitter is all."
"See?"
"Bleh. Anyway. You refused to dance with anyone but Charles sister and refused to speak to me or my sister."
"I'm shy."
"Load of crap."
"Wait. So what you are saying is that my dear cousin Fitzwilliam would not dance with you? Fitzwilliam, you idiot." Dick said batting his cousin over the head with the back of his hand.
"No, I did dance with her."
"Yea. Just to show off what a tart I am."
That seemed to hurt him. He looked shocked. His face became a crumple of outrage.
He leaned forward, until his face was centimeters away from Elizabeth's and said, quietly so no one would hear.
"You are not a tart. I danced with you because I couldn't keep my eyes..."
"Fitzwilliam! What are you talking to Elizabeth about?" Screamed the evil bitch lady from hell.
"Music." He lied. Anger filling his features.
"Ooo, then let Anne join you. She would be a good musician had her health allowed."
CURRENT ANNE DE BURGER ACCOMPLISHMENTS: (if health allowed)12 A'levels (all at A* in complicated difficult subjects.)
99 GCSE's (as above)
A degree, Masters and Phd in Quantum Physics with art (to be girly.)
Able to play, write music for and sing a piano.
Able to speak 105 languages fluently.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes and continued playing. Fitzwilliam lit the stolen fag and handed it to Elizabeth. Then he lit one for himself.
But Elizabeth still didn't like Fitzwilliam.
Honest.
Part Vingt Cinq Neuf (No idea what that means or if it is spelt right...) Posted on Tuesday, 30 November 1999
The next morning Elizabeth and an enormous hangover decided to spend the day sat around smoking and drinking endless cups of tea.
Maria, Charlotte and William had gone somewhere to do something, so Elizabeth started to read the coolest book she could find. It sickened her half to death to find it was Bridget Jones' diary.
She had read the book before, and loved it too. The only thing that upset her about it was that poor Bridget didn't tell you what happened with her and Mark Darcy...
Oh crap. Wasn't supposed to think about him.
As if the fates were playing a cruel game with Elizabeth that day Fitzwilliam and Fitzwilliam alone walked in.
He seemed shocked to find her alone, but at the same time happy.
After making idle inquiries which were ignored by each as were glaring openly at each other Elizabeth remembered her manners and said:
"You left Netherfield early didn't you?"
Before he could answer Elizabeth handed him a mug of tea, cursing the day she forgot to bring her giant novelty oversized cups.
"Yes. Business, suff like that."
"How's Chares."
"All right. He bought a Jaguar and has been fixing it up."
"A Jag? Jane loves Jag's..."
She saw the shocked look on his face and remembered why she hated him.
He split Charles and Jane up!
"Will he return to Netherfield?"
"I do not know."
"He should give it up then."
"Yes."
Elizabeth got fed up of him now. She stopped talking and lit 2 smokes, she gave one to him for no reason at all.
"Charlotte and your cousin seem happy."
She nearly choked on the filter.
"At least she is near her family."
"Near? It's 50 miles home. She could hardly commute."
He stood up and came to sit with her on the couch. Again, he leaned into her. She half expected him to kis...
NONONONONONONONONO!!!!!Bad thought-go! Don't want him!!
She half expected him to talk to her.
Better.
"Would you like to be near you're family?"
"Just me dad and Jane."
"How far away would you go?"
"I live in Oxford, you forget. Wherever I could get a decent job I suppose."
"What if you didn't need a job?"
"I'm not rich and powerful, Mr. Darcy. I will always need a job."
He looked deep into her eyes, his face went all queer like and he started to look kind of sexy...
BAH! Must stop this.
"Mmm. What if..."
He was interrupted by Charlotte bursting through the door with an arm-full of Off license bags and dry cleaning. She stopped dead at the sight of Fitzwilliam practically snogging Elizabeth.
He left soon after.
"Did ya snog him Elizabeth?"
"NO!"
"Bet he wanted to snog you!"
"Shut up. I'm off for a fag and a drink."
She locked herself in the bog.
Now, I'm sure you all have occasional conversations with you're brain. I bet you're brains dispense advice. Not Elizabeth's brain. Hers takes the piss out of her.
BRAIN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What you gonna do now. You fancy Fitzwilliam!
Elizabeth: I do not! I grant you, he is sexy in a rich boy with a nice body and floppy hair kind of way. But he is a git. I do not like him at all!!!
BRAIN: Liar!
Elizabeth: Shut up! Or I will kill you with Nicotine and Alcohol.
BRAIN: The amount you've had, wouldn't surprise me.
Elizabeth: BAH! You mock me with you're meanness.
BRAIN: Hey! We're one of the same me and you. Be nice and I'll release some pheromones.
Elizabeth: You'll only do that when I'm near Fitzwilliam.
BRAIN: Good idea.
Then Elizabeth punched her head.
"Ow!"
BRAIN: That'll learn you.
Elizabeth took to mooning around the park as when she mooned about the house Charlotte sung:
"Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Elizabeth sobering up, quitting smoking and baring several children in manner of useless, overeducated housewife."
She had met Fitzwilliam a couple of times when sauntering. He insisted on escorting her home and spent much time asking dumb questions like:
"When will you finish you're degree?"
"Is that you're real hair colour?"
"Would you be so good as to come to live with me? I have a big house with a pond. Well, it's more like a lake. I'll buy you a Porche."
Well, she made up that last one.
She started to play mind games with him and go walking at odd hours, such a 3am. 5 am. 12.24-12.37 and other such stupid times, he was always there!!!!!
Not that she wanted to see him. Na. didn't even like him.
One day she sat in the park with her laptop connected to her mobile phone. She was on the internet with Jane. The only chat room they could access was Coolchat. Bleh.
The conversation went thus:
Elizabeth: Hey Jane, u OK?
Jane: Aye. Finished Thesis 2.
Elizabeth: Nice one mate! It's dire here. I got Fitzwilliam Darcy stalking me!
PYRO(private message): Wanna Cyber?
Elizabeth(private message back to Pyro): Go screw yourself.
Jane: I keep getting freaks PM-ing me.
Elizabeth: Me too! Tell them to go screw themselves.
Jane: I did. He said that was the intention.
Elizabeth: ew!!!
Jane: AHHHHHHHHH!!! I HATE coolchat!!!
Elizabeth: U seen Charles?
Jane: NO!! Hes a git.
Elizabeth: Aye.
Elizabeth: I'm off. I'm on me mobile.!
Jane: Me too. Bye Elizabeth!
Elizabeth: Bye Jane!
Just then she felt a presence behind her. Assuming it was Fitzwilliam she pointedly started looking at pics of Ewan McGregor in a kilt and nothing else when Sqn Leader Fitzwilliam pressed her shoulder.
"Hello Elizabeth. Haven't seen you about for a few days. What you doing?"
"I was trying to talk to me sister in a public chat room."
"Big mistake."
"Aye."
"Want me to walk you home?"
"That I do."
He took her laptop bag and flung it over his shoulder.
"What a Gent."
"Aye. That I am."
For some reason, they started talking about Fitzwilliam. She said, in the most sarcastic voice she could muster, that he was a great friend to Charles.
"Yes. He is good to Charles. Just a few months ago she saved him from a bad match with a girl."
A girl... Jane? Bad match? Mleph?
"Of course, I don't know what exactly happened, but apparently this girl had a terrible family and wanted Charles for his money."
That SOB!!! I'll kill him.
"Excuse me, Dick. But I must get home ASAP."
"Why?"
"I don't feel well."
He saw her in just as the rest were leaving to see Lady C. When William started shouting at her for being tardy she was about to punch him when Dick cut in, saying she was ill and needed to get rest.
As they disappeared over the great blue yonder Elizabeth sat down, started to chain smoke a carton of Regals and drink a bottle of Vodka, adding coke later.
When Elizabeth was legless and nearly out of smokes the door bell rang. She answered the door, hoping that it was Dick saying he had dueled Fitzwilliam, and fatally wounded him for the honour of Jane and Elizabeth.
With a burning stub in her mouth and a bottle in her hands she opened the door to the face of one Fitzwilliam Darcy.
Had she been sober she would have flung the bottle in his face and beat him up. But she just stared dumbly, as if she expected him to apologise.
Without a word he came in, looking flustered. He took the bottle from her. Poured himself a glass, knocked it back in one and lit a smoke.
"I didn't smoke until I met you."
"Smoke yourself to death. I don't care."
He laughed. The git laughed!!!!
"I, Elizabeth, I need, I must... um.. see, for a while I kinda... Mmm."
"Am I meant to comprehend that drivel, Sir?"
"See, the thing is... Elizabeth, I, I?"
"WHAT!" she growled.
"Damn it, why can't I tell you I love you!"
"Meh?"
"Elizabeth, since the day I met you I loved you. You're stunning, funny, you're so, different."
Again. Meh?
She could not believe it. She was insulted to the very core, that a man who felt her sister was not good enough for his friend thought Elizabeth was good enough for him.
"I know my family will think I've gone mad. I mean, were so different. I'm all prudence and decorum and you're all, well, booze and fags. And our families! They are so different! You're mother would die! Elizabeth, say something. Please." He took her hand. She could not speak, such was the rage. He took this as a promising sign and walked over to her, kneeled in front of her, took her hands and leant over to kiss her...
The Rubber T Shirt Years... Posted on Wednesday, 1 December 1999
As his lips touched hers she froze. He leant in for deeper kiss, his soft lips pressing hers.
He took her in his arms, his strong body pressing close to hers. He tilted her head to get a better position.
Then she realised what she was doing.
She was kissing Fitzwilliam Darcy.
AND SHE ENJOYED EVERY DAMN SECOND!!
She gave him a hefty push away. He looked incredulous and came towards her to kiss her again. This time she got mad.
With one drunken, clenched fist she aimed his perfect face and sent him flying.
He landed on his back having smashed the half full bottle of Vodka. This made her mad.
Real mad.
"You damn $%#@%$ ^&%$$! How dare you storm in here, tell me you love me and expect me to respond to your advances! After what you did to my sister! You bastard."
"What?"
"How dare you? How could you possibly think that I wanted anything to do with you? You are the worst person I have ever met."
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"You have destroyed the lives of 2 people I know, I daren't think how many other's."
"Who's lives?"
"Jane's. My own flesh and blood. You knew Charles was getting close to her, you knew he wanted her, and yet you dragged him away. You dragged him away because you couldn't see beyond her family. And as for Peter Wickham. Well, you destroyed his life good and proper now ain't ye? You were jealous because he was everything you weren't. He has to serve in the damn military because you wanted the money your father left him, you selfish, greedy %$#$@."
"Elizabeth, you are being irrational."
"Damn you! You think I will find no one better than you, don't you? You think I am weak, pathetic and useless."
She drew herself up to her full height and stood so close to him she could have counted the hair up his nose.
"Well, Fitzwilliam Darcy. I am twice the man you will ever be. You are the most arrogant, conniving man I have ever seen. I wouldn't spit on you if you were dying of thirst. Get out of my sight!"
He glowered at her for a moment, cradling his swollen eye. With a final look he stormed out the house and got so drunk he wasn't seen until about 10am the following morning at Rosings, having spent the night in a ditch.
The next day Elizabeth was sat in the back garden, still in a state of shock, smoking like it was healthy and slugging tea with no milk or sugar. Charlotte just thought she was due on her period.
Having been kicked out of the garden for smoking Elizabeth decided to mosey on to the pubs. Grabbing her purse and a big sun hat she set off.
It was about 12:30 and the sun was shining. She put her huge floppy straw sun hat on her head and skipped along.
She must still be feeding off yesterday's booze fest.
As she got into the pub she purchased (OK-'Cadie here. Humor me from now on, and when ever you say Purchased say it like PURR-CHASED) a pint of Flowers and a pack of peanuts. She started to play pool with herself.
After about 20 minutes she had supped her pint and was still playing pool when in front of her a glass of Vodka and Coke was placed. She looked up and saw Fitzwilliam.
He looked terrible. His eye was swollen and he looked like he had been dragged though a ditch (which, in fact he had). His clothes were hanging off him and his shoes were scuffed.
Her mothering instinct suddenly kicked in and a voice inside her said "you appear to be disheveled and cold and in need of a good feed, let me take you home and wrap you in cotton wool and play with you as if you were a small kitten."
"Elizabeth, I apologise for disturbing you. Please, read this. It may make you see me differently."
"Doubt it, mate."
"Please Elizabeth, I ask little."
With a lingering gaze he walked out of the pub.
She inhaled the Vodka he had bought her and settled down to read the letter.
Dearest Elizabeth:I know that on receiving this you may take another swing at me, and I wish I could say this to you're face. However, explaining one black eye was bad enough, another and Richard may go looking for someone to beat up.
I want to clear myself of the accusations you so richly flung at me (along with you're fist) and explain my part in the destruction of the lives of you're sister and Peter.
First, you're sister. From the second I saw her I knew Charles would like her. She is just his type, so it seemed logical. They seemed to be friendly, and it warmed my heart to see Charles with a girl I thought he may settle down with. However, at Charles party (where I realised, by the way, that I wanted you more than I wanted world domination) where Sir William pointed out that Charles and Jane seemed to get on a bit too well.
I had to abandon you then, Elizabeth, I was so close to telling you about Peter, then asking you to join me in a moonlight walk, but I was infatuated with watching them.
On Charles part, he was obviously mad for her. But you're sister, though she liked him did not seem attracted to him.
That night I asked Charles point blank if he had even kissed Jane, he had not.
Elizabeth, you must see my point. In our modern world when we like someone, we express it. I kissed you because I wanted to express my intense fondness, no, that's not the right word, love, for you.
Jane and Charles had ample opportunity to get together. Charles is not shy. As far as I could see, Jane was probably infatuated with Charles to a degree but did not feel attracted to him!
You probably believe me to be lying. I am not. That is what I thought. Honestly.
You know you're sister better than me. If she was in love with him, then it is my wrong. I will probably burn in hell. Myself and Caroline and Louisa sat him down and told him this, he soon relented and left you all.
As for Peter. Well. By the end of this you will know why I hate him.
I have known him since I was a child; we did everything together. I didn't realise the sort of person he was until my Daddy (as I have heard you call you're father) sent us to university.
We shared a set of rooms in Cambridge. Every night he brought home a new woman and discarded her the next day, leaving behind him a trail of broken hearts and 3 children.
By the way, his children are not looked after by him, but by his hefty trust fund which was removed from him by the courts.
He has never seen any of them.
He intended to go to work for a bank as an investment specialist, but this was foolish. I wouldn't have trusted him with me dirty pants let alone my money.
When he got his degree he disappeared for 2 months.
When he returned to Pemberley (my house) he asked for the money my father had left him to get a masters degree. I asked him if he was going to do his masters. He said he wanted to go to India and travel. I gave him £20,000 and asked him never to darken my doorstep again.
Three years later my sister, Georgiana went to boarding school in London and was put in the care of Gemma Younge.
Soon after she was sent away (out of choice mind) she met Peter.
Peter had been good to Georgiana as a child. She remembered his kindness and soon found herself persuaded to love him.
They decided to marry the second she was 16, but Peter was eager and took her to Gretna Green, where Gemma posed as her mother.
Before they were married Georgiana told me her plan and myself and Richard (whom I am in joint custody of Georgiana with) were able to talk some sense into Georgiana and beat the sense out of Peter.
Peter did not love my sister, rather he loved the trust fund she could cash in when she was married which I reckon at some £200,000.
He also wanted revenge on me.
Elizabeth, my sister was just 15. She had hardly smoked her first fag or started boozing on street corners.
I can now think of no more to say. I hope that if we ever meet again (hope!!) we will be able to look into each others eye and see forgiveness in the other.
Good-bye Elizabeth. Hopefully not forever.
Fitzwilliam Darcy.
"Oh crap, What is I to do now???"
The Truth Hurts. So Does A Hangover... Posted on Monday, 6 December 1999
Elizabeth stood in the pub with a stupid look on her face.
A really stupid look on her face.
"Oh crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap!!"
She walked over to the bar, ordered a straight whisky and knocked it back.
She ran over the park at full flank. Tears brimmed at her eyes. Mud covered her legs and her hat had long blown away.
She fell over and landed in a puddle. Her shirt was now covered in mud and her hair was knotted.
When she got back to the cottage she found Dick sat in the living room. He took one look at her and before William could castrate her for not waiting outside he ran upstairs and got her a towel.
She had to concoct a white lie to explain the state she was in. Charlotte and Dick didn't believe a word of it though.
William thought she was on something.
She ran into her room, smoked a packet of fags and had a good cry.
Elizabeth couldn't remember the last time she cried. Possibly it was when she got her A'Level results, but those were tears of happiness. These were tears of sadness.
She decided to go into a chat room to see if she could find Jane, as the phone was engaged.
When she got in she was abused from the word go.
Elizabeth: Hello. Is everyone All right?
Sophie: Yes.
Alison: So, anyway, Soph, like I said, my man just dumped me cause he wants another woman.
Elizabeth: Is Jane here?
Alison: No, Jane isn't here.
Elizabeth: Just asking.
Sophie: What is it with men?
Elizabeth: Men are pigs. One minute they are meanies and the next they are angels.
Alison: Who asked you?
Elizabeth: just making conversation.
Alison: well don't
Elizabeth: Is it just me or are you a total b&^%h?
Alison: What?
Elizabeth: Did you have to go to b&^%h finishing school?
Alison: Who the hell do you think you are?
Elizabeth: I am you're god, bow down to me. I can see why you're bloke dumped you.
Then she went, in a mood as black as Mary's Doc Martin's.
The next day they went to a good-bye dinner at Lady Ha, your nephew wants me and not your scrawny kid! De breeds bad children's house.
Elizabeth was in such a mood she hadn't even bothered to get cigs or get drunk. Instead she just stayed quiet and had Fitzwilliam fantasies.
Lady Jive Mistress C started harping on the second they entered.
"Oh, and such attachment from my Fitzwilliam, how he loves to see Anne. He could barely keep away from her. When will you go?"
"Tomorrow morning."
"How will you travel?"
"Via winged beast."
"Jolly good. Do you have any accompaniment?"
"The tooth fairy and the Easter bunny."
"My servant could accompany you."
"He may try to molest me."
Thus the stupid conversation continued. Luckily she saw that Lady Stupid del Cow started shouting at Charlotte for not wearing enough clothes. Anne excused herself and went to the bathroom. Elizabeth followed as she needed to blow her nose on the posh towels and steal the soap. She waited outside the loo that Anne went in. When Anne vacated she sauntered in.
While in the bathroom Elizabeth did what all self respecting depressed woman would do. She rifled through the cabinets.
She found a bottle of Prozac, Vitamin pills, sleeping pills, stay awake pills, uppers, downers, Anabolic Steroids (why she so scrawny? Why oh why?) allergy pills, Michael Jackson style face masks, Laxatives, everything. No wonder she looked like a heroin addict, she practically was! All the potions and lotions were prescribed to Anne.
When she had blown her nose on the towels and stolen the toothbrushes and soap she returned only to find everyone was leaving. With her new booty she had ripped off she was pretty pleased, until she got in the offered Limo and found a rubber band.
Bloody Fitzwilliam.
The morning Elizabeth was about to leave she was accosted by William over her Count Chocula.
"I do hope at some point you will thank Charlotte for her kindness."
"Yea."
"You have been a welcome addition, Elizabeth. It is always good to have you visit. I hope this is the first of many. Have you had a good time?"
"Oh, aye, that I have, it's been, interesting."
"Good, good."
He started harping on about the gracious Lady marvelous de ace and how lucky he was to sort out her taxes. Elizabeth stopped listening and gained the stupid look.
As Elizabeth was about to get into the car that was to convey them to London she wrapped her arms around Charlotte.
"Come see me in September. I'll be in a new flat at Oxford. There's always a bed if you need it!"
"Thanks Elizabeth. But I made my bed, now I must lie in it."
"Charlotte" Said Elizabeth in a moment of obscure clarity. "You won't lie in it, you'll die in it."
And after a few more thank you's and good-bye's they went.
After a few minutes quiet down time Maria sighed, "I've got loads of gossip for the girls back at St. James."
"And I have loads for Jane." Elizabeth added.
Elizabeth and Jane both traveled from London together, Maria having been dropped off at the school she was at. In the car they hardly said a word, beyond normal gossip. Elizabeth hadn't said a word about Fitzwilliam, as she was scared and didn't want to admit she liked him.
Mainly cause she didn't.
Yep, that's right, no Fitzwilliam fancying from Elizabeth.
None at all.
BRAIN: Are you still lying to yourself?
Elizabeth: NO!
BRAIN: Elizabeth, get over it. You fancy Fitzwilliam. It's not a crime, he's attractive, he would be a good mate.
Elizabeth: Shut up brain.
BRAIN: Make me. And get me some tuna. I like fish.
Shortly after the above conversation Elizabeth, for some inexplicable reason pulled up to a supermarket and demanded a tuna sandwich.
Their arrival home was marked by a sudden mobile beep. It was Lydia demanding they meet her and Kitty in the McDonalds.
When Elizabeth and Jane walked into the poky little grease pit she found Lydia and Kitty arguing over a happy meal.
"Jane! Elizabeth! Hiya! Are you OKAY?"
"Yea, Lyd. What's up?"
"Are you both Still single?"
A collective "YESSSSS." was hissed.
"Well, me and Kitty are too. The RAF Squadron is to be disbanded and moved to, of all places, Brighton!"
Elizabeth started paying attention.
"You're kidding."
"NO! They are leaving! We will be alone!"
"Not the end of the world sis."
"It is! Anyway. Remember Mary King?"
"Vaguely."
"Well, Peter no longer has anything to do with her. She has moved away!"
"Oh, that's a terrible shame if she liked him." Muttered Jane, who too well knew the feeling of loss.
"Don't know what he saw in the minger anyway. She was just a ginga little meph."
"What?" shouted Elizabeth.
"I said she was a minger."
"Watch that mouth." Elizabeth shouted, mauling into her.
Elizabeth picked at her fries, pushing the burger aside as she didn't eat red meat.
Soon enough, they were back in the car like sardines in a tin.
"Look at this new dress I bought." Called Lydia, holding up a frock that took up 37% of the car.
"Bleh, it's hideous." Elizabeth said, staring at the purple monstrosity.
"Oh, well, I thought I'd buy it anyway." Lydia sang in a tone of perfect unconcern.
"How much?" asked Jane.
"£230."
"What! You money waster."
The argument continued until they got home.
Through the day and night Lydia talked about Peter and how she hoped that her Mam and dad would let her go to Brighton for the summer. After a short conversation with her father she found out that the talk of Lydia going to Brighton was serious, as she and Wing Commander Forster's wife were best good mates.
Right now, though, Elizabeth had more important things to talk about.
She went into the kitchen in the dead of the night and gathered the following ingredients:
Coffee (lots of, black)
Vodka (as above, except transparent)
Cream(Some, not much)
glasses(2).
At this point, Elizabeth decided to show what a cocktail goddess she was by making a famous White Russian. She filled the glasses a quarter with coffee, topping up with Vodka (Although she kept drinking it) and a splash of cream.
She walked into Jane's room with the glasses, a packet of cigs and a heavy heart.
Giving Jane a Hefty boot she settled down.
"Wha? Elizabeth? What want? Ooo, white Russian. All forgiven."
"Jane. I have something to tell you."
"What's that Elizabeth?" she asked, inhaling her drink and lighting up.
"Fitzwilliam Darcy told me he loved me."
"Wha? Oh what! What happened."
"Well, he came to see me, and told me he loved me."
"Are you an item!?!?"
"No."
"What?"
"Well. I thought he had wronged Peter."
"Oh, I forgot about that. Fitzwilliam is a geek"
"But I was wrong."
"Wha?"
She related the Peter seducing young Georgiana Darcy, having three kids he never sees and being a basic git story.
"You are kidding. Elizabeth?"
"I ain't."
"And to think he had us fooled."
"Yea, I can't wait to tell everyone..."
"No! Don't, he is leaving soon. Then he will not matter."
"Yea, I guess."
"Elizabeth?"
"Aye?"
"Do you love Fitzwilliam now?"
BRAIN: Tell the truth Elizabeth!!
"No. But I wish I could call him a friend."
BRAIN: You're getting there kidda!