Posted on Thursday, 7 January 1999

Darcy smiled into his mirror. "You look beautiful today," he said suavely. He shook his head and added, "That dress looks stunning on you." He sighed and sat dejectedly on the side of his bed. He would never figure out what to say to Elizabeth.

He tried, "Marry me and put me out of my misery, you beautiful creature!" Pathetic.

"Will somebody help me?" he cried.

Suddenly his mirror began to shimmer and an arm came out and waved. Darcy rubbed his eyes in disbelief. The body that belonged to the arm followed. Darcy found himself looking at a small, thin woman around ten years older than himself.

"Hello, Mr. Darcy," she said briskly.

"Who...? How...?" Darcy stuttered

"I'm afraid you're going to articulate yourself a little better than that, sir, if you want me to answer you," the lady said archly.

"Who are you?" Darcy wondered.

The lady smiled, "I suppose you could call me your fairy godmother."

"How did you get here?"

"I thought you saw me," she replied, "I came through the mirror."

"Yes, but...am I crazy?"

"Oh no, Mr. Darcy," the woman laughed. "At least you are not hallucinating. I am really here, why, you yourself invited me!"

"I invited you?" Darcy asked.

"Yes, you said, 'Will somebody help me?' Since I am your fairy godmother I assumed I could help. Should I go?"

"No, no, not if you can help," Darcy said hastily.

"I think I can. You want to know how to propose to Miss Elizabeth Bennet," the lady said.

"Well, yes...I don't think I can do it."

"Oh, Mr. Darcy! I'm very disappointed in you! I've given you every chance with Miss Bennet. I have her mother practically throw her at you, but you claim she is only 'tolerable'. I have her stay in the same house as you for three days, but all you can do is argue. And, oh, don't get me started on that disastrous affair at Hunsford," the lady stopped and shook her head. Then she continued, "When she came to Pemberley I thought, 'It's going to happen!' but no. Of course Wickham got in the way there...but there is no excuse now! She has you fixed as the most handsome hero in Britain-"

"She thinks I'm handsome?!" Mr. Darcy exclaimed.

The lady ignored him and continued, "And now she's pining away in anguish for you, hoping you will propose again, but no. You're to scared to. Men," the woman finished in disgust.

"Sorry," Darcy said meekly. "How do you know all this?"

"I told you, I'm your fairy godmother. Heavens, you're dense! Luckily for you I'm tired of watching you suffer. What you need to do is-" she stopped suddenly and asked, "Did you hear that?"

Darcy listened carefully. It sounded like someone was shouting, "Will somebody help me?" The voice came from the mirror.

"Knightley," the woman muttered, "he never gives me a moment's rest." Then she turned to Darcy, "Well, I'll make this short so I can dig Knightley out-" she stopped and a sly grin came over her face. "No. I'm not going to help you or Knightley."

"What!" Darcy shouted, "But you said..."

"You are going to help yourselves." She reached into the mirror and pulled until a confused gentleman tumbled out. "Hello, Knightley!" she greeted.

"Oh, it's you again. Where am I?"

"Why, you're in Mr. Darcy's room." The two men eyed each other warily. "Oh, forgive me," the lady said. "You haven't been introduced. Mr. Darcy, this is Mr. Knightley, Mr. Darcy, Mr. Knightley."

They bowed awkwardly.

"Now, Mr. Knightley, I just don't have time to help you today. I've got Elliots, Dashwoods, and Bertrams to see. Not to mention that silly Catherine Morland. Anyway, you and Mr. Darcy are going to help each other. All right?"

Mr. Knightley nodded dumbly.

"Good. Well, good-bye!" she jumped into the mirror.

"Wait!" Darcy cried. "What's your name?"

He thought he heard the woman yell, "Jaaaannnnne"

The gentlemen stared at each other.

"So," Mr. Darcy said.

"So," Mr. Knightley repeated.

"Woman troubles?" Darcy asked.

"Yes," Knightley answered glumly.

"Me too."

"I doubt they compare to mine."

Mr. Darcy snorted, "Do you want to bet? I am hopelessly in love with one Elizabeth Bennet. I tried not to be, but to no avail..."

"Go on," Mr. Knightley said.

"I asked her to marry me last Easter, but she said I was the last man she would ever marry."

"Ouch," Mr. Knightley said wincing.

"I tried to forget her, but good God! I love that woman! She's so witty and arch and bright. I'd rather hear her insult me than hear another woman say she loves me."

"I know how you feel."

Mr. Darcy continued, "I saw her over the summer and thought, hoped, that she might return my affections, but circumstances... Now, more than ever, I think that she might return my affections, but how can I ask her again? What should I say?"

Mr. Knightley pondered this, "Why don't you just tell her that you still love her. Say something elegant, but brief. Less is more, you know."

"I can do that. Brief, elegant, yes," Darcy said. Then he asked, "But what if she doesn't love me?" shuddering at the thought.

"Say you'll leave her alone and then join a monastery. That's what I'd do." Knightley advised.

"What are your woman problems?" Mr. Darcy asked.

"Well, I, too, am in love. Her name is Emma, Emma Woodhouse. I've known her all her life. Her sister is even married to my brother. I'm always around her. We're so close that I call her by her Christian name."

"What's your problem?" Darcy asked.

"Well, she believes that we are just friends. She loves me as a brother, that's all."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, I've never asked her if that's what you mean," Knightley said.

"Do it!" Darcy said excited, "Tell her you're in love with her and want to marry her!"

"What if she turns me down?"

"Say you'll leave her alone and join a monastery?" Darcy said pointedly.

"Point taken," Knightley said.

"So."

"So."

"Well, I guess, I should go now and, you know, while I've got my nerve up," Darcy said.

"Yes, I suppose so. I should too. How do I get out of here?"

"Out the mirror," Darcy answered and the mirror shimmered in reply.

"Good-bye, Darcy, thanks. You're an good chap," Mr. Knightley said sticking out his hand.

Mr. Darcy shook it warmly, "Thank you. I hope we meet again."

Knightley took a deep breath and dove into the mirror.

Darcy put on his coat, checked himself on the mirror, and walked out the door with a semi-confident smile.

Somewhere, the fairy godmother clapped her hands and smiled, satisfied.

The End