Jump to new as of December 6, 1998

Posted on Wednesday, 14-Oct-98

Scene One

Int. Fade in from black. Close-up of a man's face. Balding, bespectacled, in his fifties.

Weddings always make me feel inadequate. You know what I'm saying? Like everyone else is busy getting their lives in order, and I'm just sitting around waiting for the invitation to come in the mail so that I can drop by and have some cake.

Zoom out. His torso is visible, sprawled in a leather arm-chair. His exagerated arm movements are apparent as he continues speaking.

So anyway, it was Jim Weston's wedding yesterday, and I ended up going. Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't, but then he and Anna called me the day before, and they were going on and on about how I was Jim's best friend, and that I was responsible for them getting together, and I ended up feeling guilty about it. I mean, I didn't want to ruin their wedding or anything.

Zoom out further, gradually, so that by the end of the speech it is apparent that George is lying in a psychiatrist's couch. There is a window in the background, and the New York skyline is visible in the distance.

It's not like I had anything to do with it, actually. It was Emma who engineered the entire thing. Anna used to be one of those imported au pairs, you know, like the nanny in the trial, only she didn't kill any kids. I mean, she wasn't Emma's nanny -- I should hope she doesn't need one any more -- she used to look after John and Isabella's kids, and she and Emma got to be good friends. And Emma knows Jim Weston, of course, so she forced me to fix up a double date so that she could get them together. And of course, they hit it off instantly, and now they're off to the Bahamas, and here I am, sitting on a shrink's couch. I mean, no offence, but I have to be able to do better than this.

None taken. So who was Emma's date?

I was. But it wasn't a real date or anything. I mean, you know what Emma thinks of me. And I kept trying to think of some suave line to impress her, and you know how nervous that makes me. I was a nervous wreck, and the entire evening would have been a complete disaster if Emma hadn't been completely distracted by how well Jim and Anna were hitting it off.

You know, I think this whole self esteem issue goes back to my childhood. Being the eldest child is not all that it's cut up to be. I mean, look at John. He lived a wonderfully irresponsible childhood, ended up meeting the girl of his dreams in college, and they got married right after. They have three kids now, for God's sake, and they've moved into a single-family home in Westchester! And I, growing up as the model of responsibility, have never had a girl friend for longer than the two weeks it takes them to figure out that underneath my pathetic, needy exterior is a pathetic, needy guy just waiting to come out. And to top it all off, ever since John and Isabella got married I've been obsessed with a girl who's like twenty years younger than I am. She was thirteen when I met her. Thirteen, for heaven's sake! She was the cutest little thirteen year old flower-girl at John and Isabella's wedding, and she smiled at me and made me feel like I was Humbert Humbert!

So anyway, Emma was at the wedding, of course, looking absolutely gorgeous, and the only thing I could talk about was how she should be careful that her father didn't eat too much cake. Diabetes, you know. I was babbling about diabetes throughout the entire ceremony!

I should just forget about Emma and get on with my life!

I think we've reached a real breakthrough here, George.

We have?

Why don't you start thinking about how to get on with your life? I'll see you next week, George, and we can talk about it then.

You know, I'm not sure how much this is really helping me.

George gets off the couch and leaves the psychiatrist's office. We see him exit, and then the camera swoops out through the window.

Ext. Long Shot of a young woman, early thirties, blond, in a short summer dress, strolling down 34th Street. She stops occasionally to chat with other people, and for window shopping. Opening credits roll. Ultimately, as she walks into Bloomingdale's, the camera spins around and we realize we were watching her from across the street from George's perspective. Title of the film appears, in stylized letters resembling the New York skyline.

Scene 2

Posted on Monday, 26-Oct-98

Ext. Expansive suburban deck in a posh Westchester community. Enough people have arrived for the party to have started, but there's a sense that it isn't in full swing yet. The Host, a distinguished looking well-meaning man in his fifties (the Alan Alda character) is indecisively going about asking the guests for their musical preferences. The Hostess, who appears to be in her mid-thirties, is impatiently looking as though she would like to take over from him, but another woman, also in her thirties, but with a more domestic air, has cornered her, with pictures of her children. Her audience also includes an elderly lady, and another young woman. Her husband is standing aside with a drink and an exasperated air. Two other young men, who have evidently only just been introduced, are chatting reservedly.

The door-bell rings. The Host rushes through the house to answer it, and returns chatting enthusiastically with EMMA and GEORGE. As they greet the rest of the party, another young lady, in her early twenties, enters, evidently feeling a little awkward among strangers.

Looking very distinguished, Jim. Marriage suits you, and about time too. And Anna, you're positively glowing!

(ironically, seeing Isabella's stack of pictures)
So, do the newly-weds have any pictures of their own to show us, or is every thing X-rated!

(good-naturedly)
All in good time, Georgie-boy. We'll have a slide-show after dinner.
(suddenly, slightly agitatedly)
And it's about time that we got the grill going, now that you guys are finally here. Anna, did we get the self-igniting coal briquettes...

He rushes of in another direction; ANNA follows him.

(completely missing George's sarcasm)
Well, anyway, George, you can come look at my pictures now. They're from Emily's concert last week. I was just telling Anna how much she would have enjoyed it.

(with an ironic glance at George)
I do think you ought to excuse her, considering that she was on her honeymoon.

Well, of course, but it is a shame. That's why I brought her the pictures. And Emily and little John and Jerry were so eager to see Anna again. They really miss her, you know. I'm not sure if I can trust this new baby-sitter... Well, anyway, come and see how they turned out.

(suddenly remembering something)
Sis, this is my friend Harriet. She just moved to New York. Harriet, this is my sister. You've met Miss Bates already; she lives in our building. And this is her niece, Jane Fairfax.
(a little coolly)
It's nice to see you again, Jane. How was Europe?

Most of us seemed to enjoy it. Hello, Harriet, It's nice to meet you.

Emma, my dear, Harriet, it's so lovely to see you. We were so worried you were going to be late, and Jim wanted to get his barbecue started, and he was worried the champagne would get over-chilled, and I was just telling Jane here how worried I was that George would lose the way, wasn't I, Jane, and you wouldn't be able to make it here, and your poor Papa would be so worried. You really ought to call him to let him know you're here safely...

How thoughtful of you, Miss Bates. I'll go call him just now.

She takes the opening to move away from the rest of the group, and GEORGE, who had been standing behind her, drifts away as well. HARRIET remains, as ISABELLA pulls out the photographs once again, and MISS BATES starts rambling about how adorable little Emily's costume is.

GEORGE turns toward EMMA and is about to speak, but she turns away without noticing him, and goes into the house, presumably to make the call. GEORGE stares after her for a minute, and then joins the lone man with a drink, who has been regarding him bemusedly for some time, and acknowledges him with a mock salute.

Please, enlighten me, wh..what exactly are you laughing at this time, John?

Me? nothing at all. I'm just relieved that you've made it all the way here on the Highway of Doom with your precious cargo of damsels in distress. How did you get out of ferrying Miss Bates, anyway?

You know five people don't fit in my car, and Emma wanted to bring her friend. And, and I resent what you're saying. Just because you're foolhardy enough to take the Merritt to work each morning doesn't mean my risks aren't justified.

Who is the friend, anyway? We all assumed Emma was bringing a date.

I don't chauffeur Emma's dates around!

As JOHN is about to respond, EMMA enters. GEORGE's eyes instantly turn towards her, and JOHN smiles, knowing that he's lost his brother's attention.

She walks towards the group of women a little reluctantly, with a small smile at GEORGE, whom she knows to be sympathetic. As she approaches them, however, ANNA returns, and rescues her.

(in an elegant British accent)
Emma dear, I don't think you've met Jim's son, have you? Let me introduce you.
(calls out)
Could you join us here for a minute, Frank?

Both the young men in the corner join the women in response to ANNA's summons. The blond one steps forward as ANNA does the honors.

Emma, this Frank Churchill, Jim's son. Frank, this is Emma Wodehouse.

(suavely, with extreme confidence)
It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Miss Wodehouse. Anna's been telling me so much about you.

Emma, please. And may I return the compliment? Jim's been telling us all about you for years.

Yes, you probably think I'm some kind of California beach-bum, but I've been eager to visit New York for years now. I'm only sorry I couldn't make it for the wedding, but Anna's been sweet enough to forgive me already.

Will you be staying long?

(smiling)
That depends on whether I'm as lucky as Dad. No, actually, I can't be sure. My aunt is very ill; she had a stroke a couple of months back, and one never knows when she'll have a relapse. There've been a couple of close calls lately. Actually, that's why I couldn't make it to the wedding.

(remembering her manners)
Oh, and this is my friend, Harriet Smith. She just moved to New York, and she's with NBC. Harriet, this is Frank, and this is Alan Elton. He's one of those Wall Street types.

ALAN comes forward. He's fairly good-looking, but he's smiling in an overly ingratiating manner.

It's a pleasure, Miss Smith. Any friend of Emma's...

HARRIET smiles, and replies shyly. EMMA moves on, leaving them alone, although ALAN attempts to include her in the conversation.

GEORGE is still watching EMMA, and she finally goes up to him.

Don't they look adorable together? George, we have to take them out sometime. I have a good feeling about this!

Isn't it time for you to rest on your laurels, Emma? You got lucky once, but you can't just keep doing this, you know. And why do you always pull me into the middle of these things? Why don't you go on a real double date?

Don't be silly, George, how am I supposed to match-make on a real date? I think you're jealous! Don't worry, I'm looking out for you, but really, Harriet's a bit young, don't you think?

I.. I don't need you setting me up, Emma!

Yeah, and like you've been so successful left to your own devices. I'll find someone.
(speculatively, looking at JANE)
Perhaps our dear Miss Fairfax. You two seem to get along okay, although I'm not sure if an ice-princess is what you need. I thought about setting you up with Anna, actually, but Jim was just so perfect for her...

Emma, please, spare me!

(affectionately, petting his cheek)
Nonsense, George, I'll take good care of you.

GEORGE rolls his eyes, half-exasperated and half-miserable.

In the background, the grill flames up, and JIM triumphantly summons everyone to come queue for their burgers.

Scene 3

Int. Back in the psychiatrist's office. George is on the couch again, and the panoramic New York skyline is visible through the glass wall.

GEORGE
So anyway, Emma's picked up this little protégé now. Harriet, her name is. She just moved here from some mid-western place. She's one of those small-fry reporters at NBC. They sent her out one day to interview Emma about that charity she does so much stuff for, and of course, Emma's adopted her. She found her an apartment in the building, and whenever I visit she's in the penthouse with Emma. And she's obsessed with match-making again... I'm almost glad this Harriet showed up, actually, because she's been threatening to set me up. Wouldn't that just be the day! Me on a date with someone Emma had picked out, knowing that she would monitor the entire thing! I wouldn't be able to say word. I mean, it's bad enough as it is whenever I'm on a date with anyone.

So anyway, she's trying to fix Harriet up with Alan Elton, and I'm trying to tell her that she'll never pull it off. I mean, Al wouldn't look at a girl a hundred grand at least. With his spending habits, he needs it. And besides, he's practically been pawing at Emma for years, and somehow she's never managed to figure it out. I mean, I'm glad she ignores him, but really, how can she not notice? I mean, it's not like she's subtle about it or anything.

And she'll drag me on one of those "double dates" again. She always manages to pull me into it. Matchmaking double dates and family functions in Connecticut -- that's all I'm good for, apparently. I asked her the other day why she never went with any of the guys she's dating, and she said that her Daddy trusted me to drive safely. The only reason she gives me the time of day is because her father feels safe to know that I'm driving her. And God forbid, if one of these days he finds out the kind of driver I actually am, he'll probably never let me see her again! I mean, what are we here, pre-teens?

PSYCHIATRIST
I think that's a question you're going to have to deal with, George.

GEORGE
What question? What are you talking about?

PSYCHIATRIST
You just asked, "what are we here, pre-teens?" Think about it, George.

GEORGE
Wait a minute, what are you suggesting here? That was just a rhetorical question, for God's sake, and you're turning it into some kind of a massive Freudian slip...

PSYCHIATRIST
You're the one who's saying that, George, not me.

GEORGE
Then what are you saying?

PSYCHIATRIST
Me? uh... nothing. I just asked you a simple question, George, and you're getting pretty worked up about it. We'll explore this a bit more thoroughly the next time you're here.

GEORGE
This is it? You want me to just leave like this? You know, maybe I should just see a new therapist.

Scene 4

Posted on Monday, 16-Nov-98

Int. Living room opening on to terrace of a penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side.

An ELDERLY MAN is sitting in a comfortable leather armchair, in conversation with MISS BATES. JANE FAIRFAX is situated at a slight distance, and is looking on aloofly. GEORGE is also sitting in here, and is ostensibly part of the group, but he keeps looking out through the glass door leading on to the terrace, where EMMA and HARRIET are standing, engaged in conversation. There are some nuts in a bowl at a side table next to him, and GEORGE is absently eating them as he watches EMMA. His absentmindedness is not unnoticed by his companions, who make an effort to include him in the conversation.

MISS BATES
(addressing GEORGE)
I was just telling Mr. Woodhouse how wonderful Jim Weston's party was the other day. It's such a shame he wasn't able to come out to Westchester himself. We sorely missed his company. And it's such a shame how rarely he's able to see Isabella, but with the children and everything, it must be ever so difficult for her to have time for oneself. I so admire modern mothers; they seem to be able to do everything. Wouldn't you agree, George?

MR.WOODHOUSE
She's the soul of sacrifice, that girl, and Emma is just like her. I warned her, you know. I told her time and again to think of what she was getting into, and whether she was ready to start a life so far away. But she was firm, because she knew how happy it would make John. And look at Emma -- she did everything she could to make Anna Taylor feel at home, and then she went off and married Jim Weston, leaving Isabella to look after the children all by herself. And now she's looking out for this young Harriet creature. Sweet girl, that. And then she has all those charities, feeding children all over the world, and heaven knows what else. I tell her not to exert herself so much, but she has to go out there and do what's right.

MISS BATES
Yes, they are sweet girls. I'm hoping Jane here will finally have a chance to make friends with Emma; I'm sure they'll get along famously once they have a chance.

GEORGE
(turning to JANE)
How long are you staying in New York?

JANE
I'll be here for a couple more weeks. I've found a job at a High School upstate, and I'll be heading out there once classes start.

GEORGE
You're done with College? I always assumed you'd go all the way through and end up as a professor or something.

JANE
I'd love to, but it doesn't seem to be working out that way. Grad school is more expensive than you'd think, and I ended up spending a whole lot while I was doing my research in Europe, so it'll take a couple more years at least, if I ever do end up going back.

GEORGE
Oh.

MISS BATES
You know, my dear, you ought to go out and join the girls out there. You must be getting bored listening to us old fogies chit-chat.

Oh no, George, there isn't any need for you to go anywhere. And anyway, I wouldn't want the girls thinking we've sent you out there to eavesdrop on them now, would we?

MR WOODHOUSE
George, my boy, you've been eating entirely too many of those nuts this evening. You really ought to be a little more careful about these things. You can't eat everything, you know.

MISS BATES
Now, George, I was asking Mr. Woodhouse about that nice young man Emma's been seeing, Leo, I think she said his name was, and do you know what, she hasn't brought him home to meet her Papa. Now isn't that sneaky of her, the dear thing?

MR WOODHOUSE
I fail to understand why she goes out with these young men night after night, sometimes when there's a very unpleasant chill in the air, and has dinner in all those restaurants, where one never knows what one is eating. And after all the work she does during the day. It's so comforting when she takes you along, George.

I know you won't let her do anything really silly, like forget her coat. It really is deceptively chilly outside, and look at her right now. She'll catch her death of cold if she stands out there dressed like that.

George, my dear boy, not you too! And you've been indoors all evening! I really must put a stop to this. Emma, my dear, come on inside, it's getting chilly out there on the terrace!

EMMA
Coming, Papa!

You worry too much, Papa. It's a lovely summer evening. I can't believe you've been cooped up in here the entire time.

MR WOODHOUSE
(affectionately)
You're a foolhardy child, Emma. What am I to do with you?

EMMA
Anyway, Papa, it's past your bedtime. You'd better be turning in. You want to get up bright and early for your stroll in the park tomorrow morning.

MR WOODHOUSE
You're quite right my dear.
(turning to MISS BATES, with filial pride)
She takes such good care of her old Papa!

GEORGE
Well, then,... I'd better be heading along myself.

EMMA
George! You're not planning on going to bed now, are you?

GEORGE
(indignantly)
No!

EMMA
Then what is it? Some secret late-night tryst? How mysterious!

GEORGE
Emma, you know there's no such thing. I just thought, that is, didn't you just pack everyone off?

EMMA
Well, not you, obviously. You and I need to talk.

GEORGE
What are you planning now?

EMMA
Oh, nothing. Just a little late-night tryst of my own. What day is good for you? We absolutely have to work on Alan and Harriet. She's got it bad!

GEORGE
(protesting)
Emma!

Scene 5

Posted on Saturday, 05-Dec-98

Int. Dinner time at a posh down town restaurant. EMMA and GEORGE are waiting for a table. Both are dressed in formal evening wear; EMMA looks stunning, but GEORGE manages to look awkward and self-conscious despite a perfect fit. GEORGE is rambling on to the MAITRE D'HOTEL that they had reservations and shouldn't have to wait. The MAITRE D' is listening somewhat aloofly.

GEORGE
But, but, but this is utterly irresponsible! And don't tell me to wait at the bar; I didn't come here to wait at the bar! We have reservations for eight; it says so right there....

MAITRE D'
(coldly, in a French accent)
I am sorry, sir, we do not 'ave a table open right now. I trust you will not 'ave to wait for too long. I apologize for the delay.

GEORGE
(starts out in what he thinks is a combative tone as the MAITRE D' turns his back on him, and fades into him talking to himself.)
Don't expect me to come back here for this kind of service! This isn't the only restaurant in town we could go to, you know! And what's up with that French accent anyway? It's so eighties! Hasn't anyone told you it's all New American nowadays?

EMMA
(stifling a giggle)
George, you do over-react so!

Hello, Mike!

MIKE
Emma darling, I thought you couldn't join me this evening!

EMMA
I can't, Mike. I'm dining with George here, and some friends of ours. George, this is Mike. He's in securities. Mike, George.

MIKE
Oh.

EMMA
George is family, Mike; I must have mentioned him to you.

Anyway, Mike, be a dear and see if you can't get us a table somewhere.

MIKE
Of course. How many?

EMMA
Four.

GEORGE
Mike? I thought it was Leo.

EMMA
(shakes her head slightly, as though admitting to a minor error of judgment.)
No, too controlling. Mike is a dear.

GEORGE sinks into one of the chairs, as EMMA is helped into hers by MIKE, who subsequently tries to occupy one himself.

EMMA
Thank you so much, Mike. You've been absolutely marvelous! Now run along back; I've kept you from your friends long enough.

MIKE
No, that is, I'm sure they'd...

EMMA
No, I absolutely insist. I can't have them blaming me for drawing you away.

Call me tomorrow, and we can make plans. You know I'd love to meet your friends.

EMMA
(motions to a waiter to remove the extra place setting; then sits back and surveys the restaurant in satisfaction)
Now, isn't this nice? And you were making all that fuss for nothing.

HARRIET
(breathlessly)
I'm so sorry I'm late. I had a meeting with one of the producers, and it went over, and then I had to rush home and change. I do hope I haven't missed much.

EMMA
(smiling indulgently)
No harm done. Alan isn't here yet. Now you just sit down. George, see if you can call one of the waiters. We simply must order drinks if Alan's going to be so late.

GEORGE
(trying to maintain a semblance of dignity.)
Ah, there you are! We're waiting for another gentleman, but in the meantime, we'll order drinks.

EMMA
Ah, Alan! We were wondering where you'd gotten to. We went ahead and ordered drinks without you; I hope you don't mind.

ALAN
No, not at all. I'm glad I didn't hold you up. And may I say you're looking gorgeous as usual.

EMMA
(indifferently)
Thank you, Alan.
(indicating the others)
You know everyone here, of course.

ALAN
Good to see you again, George.
(turns to HARRIET)
And Miss... Smith, is it? It's nice to see you again as well.

HARRIET
(smiles a little breathlessly)
Mr. Elton, it's always a pleasure.

EMMA
Oh, come on. We're all friends here, Alan. There's no need to be so formal with Harriet.

ALAN
Any friend of yours, Emma. Harriet, if I may?

HARRIET
(uttering his name almost reverently)
Of course,... Alan.

EMMA
Now, isn't that much nicer! George and I were just saying how rarely we see you nowadays, Alan. It's really a shame you keep yourself cooped up in that office of yours all the time. You should get out more often.

ALAN
The loss, I assure you, is all mine. You're too considerate to think of me.

EMMA
Nonsense; of course I think of my friends.

HARRIET
Yes, you've been so uncommonly kind to me. To think that only a few weeks ago we'd never even met!

EMMA
But, my dear, I knew instantly that we were going to be friends, didn't you? And I know you and Alan will hit it off wonderfully too.

ALAN
Of course, Emma. Won't we, Harriet? I've always thought our friends were extremely compatible, Em.

Scene 6

Int. Back in the psychiatrist's couch.

GEORGE
So, anyway, there I was, caught in the middle of this three-way love-fest. I can't believe Emma can be so blind. I mean, it's painfully obvious the way Alan comes on to her; he's about as subtle as a steam-roller. But she just sat there, smiling calmly and trying to deflect his attentions to Harriet. And that girl is another one; the man she's supposedly in love with barely turned to look at her, and she just sat there, basking in his presence. If I didn't know Emma had a hand in it, I'd wonder what she was smoking!

PSYCHIATRIST
And what were you doing, George?

GEORGE
I just told you; there was nothing I could do. I just sat there, feeling invisible. Even the waiters couldn't see me.

PSYCHIATRIST
So you just sat there, "basking in her presence"?

GEORGE
Hey, what are you trying to get at, anyway? Look, I'm not smoking anything, if that's what you're implying. I have enough problems already without you trying to add that one to the list. I may be in love with Emma, but I know where I'm coming from. She wouldn't give me the time of day if I hadn't, by some stroke of genius or lunacy for which I give daily thanks and curses to the powers that be, managed to convince her that she could trust me as a friend and confidant. I know she wouldn't think of giving me a second look any other way. You should see the guys she dates, for heaven's sake. One of them showed up yesterday. A regular David, a little more adequately dressed, and he treated her every word like it was carved in stone. What would she do with a guy like me? Not only am I a pathetic needy loser but every time she asks me to do something for her, I whine to the end of the earth. Then I end up doing it anyway, but by that time it's entirely obvious that she's so cross with me for protesting that even though I caved completely it takes a week for her to forgive me.

PSYCHIATRIST
Calm down, George; I wasn't trying to imply anything. But really, considering you just burst out at me like that, I think we need to consider the possibility...

GEORGE
What possibility?

PSYCHIATRIST
The possibility that you resent the way Emma has you wound around her little finger.

GEORGE
Are you deaf or something? Of course I resent it. I may be in love with Emma, but I most certainly resent being her lap dog. I don't do anything about it, because I'd resent not seeing her again a whole lot more.

PSYCHIATRIST
I'm glad to see you're finally able to admit that, George.

GEORGE
What are you talking about? I admitted that the first time I came to see you. I wasn't assertive enough, remember? Those were the good old days, when I wasn't assertive enough. Now, thanks to you, I have this whole slew of problems whose names I can't even pronounce, and if my parents hadn't had the foresight to leave me an inheritance the size of a small Swiss bank, my therapy bills would have had me sweeping the streets by now.

PSYCHIATRIST
Excellent, George. You're finally beginning to open up, and tell me what you're really thinking. I'm very pleased with the progress we've made today. Talk to my secretary about an appointment for next week.

GEORGE
But I was just getting started. So now you're going to show me the door and prey on some other poor sap who came in here thinking he could use a little bit more assertiveness? What is this, some kind of vile conspiracy?

PSYCHIATRIST
I'm glad you're beginning to understand you're not the only one with problems in this city, George. I'll see you next week, and with any luck, we can start working on why you feel so sorry for yourself all the time.

GEORGE
But you know why I feel sorry for myself all the time! For heaven's sake, I wallow in it every time I see you. What do you do, sneak out of the door when I'm not looking?

PSYCHIATRIST
The question is, George, do you know why you feel sorry for yourself all the time?

GEORGE
You know, sometimes I get the feeling Emma isn't the only one who has me wound around her little finger.