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Part 82
Lord and Lady Matlock had arrived in town, and the Colonel went to see his mother as soon as he could. He needed to talk to somebody. "Caroline finds me repulsive," he complained. "I only have to look at her in the morning, and she turns away to vomit into the chamber pot."
Lady Matlock thought something entirely different was going on here, and she suppressed a smile. "Does she do this every morning?"
"Yes."
"Why do you think she does this?"
"I do not know. She cannot be ill. Perhaps she blames me for her misery, and feels sick whenever she sees me."
"So Caroline is miserable?"
"She does not show it, but I know she is."
"Why would she be miserable?"
"I think she suspects she might be expecting a child."
At that moment, the footman entered and announced Mrs. Fitzwilliam. Caroline came in and froze. "Richard," she said in shock.
"Caroline," he said, equally shocked.
Lady Matlock observed her daughter-in-law closely as she greeted her. Caroline did not look very happy and rather insecure. The way her eyes glanced in Richard's direction uneasily now and then told Lady Matlock that Caroline had come for a private word, but she decided that what needed here was a little clarity. She went through the points once again. Caroline was pregnant, but did not like it and had not told Richard. Richard suspected anyway, and thought he would be happy if she told him it was true. Lady Matlock imagined the unhappy Caroline telling Richard the news, which would make him unhappy because of her unhappiness. Oh dear.
"Are you still ill, Caroline?" Richard asked.
"No," his mother answered for her.
"How would you know that?" he asked.
She smiled. "Because I had the same symptoms, like vomiting, when I was expecting a child."
Caroline looked shattered at this confirmation of her suspicions, and gripped his hand. Richard looked immensely relieved. He could even grin, because Caroline's sickness had nothing to do with him directly. She saw him grin and burst into tears.
"My dear Caroline," Lady Matlock said. "If I had not gone through the same thing, you would never have been able to marry Richard."
"Perhaps it would have been better if I had not," Caroline said miserably. "I am only making him unhappy."
"No, you are not," he objected.
"Yes, I am. I do not want a child. Children hate me."
"No, they do not." He thought Caroline was being extremely insufferable.
"Yes, they do."
"No."
"Do not lie! I hate being lied to," Caroline said vehemently.
"I never lie to you," he protested.
The footman interrupted again. It was Catherine, who had come to call on her mother, and she had brought Robert with her. She took in her brother and her sister-in-law, who made a point of not looking in each other's direction, and who sat as far apart as was possible on a two-seat couch. She muttered, "what a lovely gathering," and wondered what had happened. They were surprisingly enough still holding hands, or rather it was Caroline who was holding Richard's hand. She had been crying.
Robert greeted everybody with a kiss, even Caroline, and Richard remarked sarcastically, "They really hate you, Caroline."
While Caroline and Richard embarked upon an argument about whether that was true or not, Catherine questioned her mother in a low voice. "What is happening here?"
"Somebody forgot to tell Caroline that wife and mother are not mutually exclusive states of being," Lady Matlock said dryly.
"Oh goodness," said Catherine. "They are multiplying?"
"Cathy!" her mother chided her.
"Mama," Robert tugged at her arm. "Are they angry with me? I want to play."
"Ssst Robert," said Catherine who was listening to the argument with great interest. As usual, it was approaching the incomprehensible again and she needed all of her attention to make sense of it.
Part 83
"Ha! Finally admitting that I was right," Caroline said.
"It was a sarcastic comment."
"Meaning?"
"I think you are wrong."
"I am not wrong!"
"Get used to it, Caroline. Sometimes even you can be wrong."
"I was right," she maintained stubbornly.
"Oh!" he exclaimed. "I have never met anyone more vexing than you." He wished she would let go of his hand -- she was gripping it so tight that he was sure it would be blue tomorrow.
"I have. You!"
"You are insufferable."
"I told you before we got married." Caroline felt like sticking out her tongue, but she thought this a rather childish gesture. "Do not say I did not warn you."
"Do not say I did not warn you that you would have ten children."
"Actually, I am going to say that, because you never warned me."
"Well, did I really have to explain that one thing leads to another?" Fitzwilliam asked. "I seem to recall that you once told Robert that you did not have any children because you were not married. Would that not automatically lead one to conclude that you equate marriage with children?"
Caroline did not give up. "One is a necessary condition for the other. I am not saying that the one cannot exist without the other. The first one can exist without the second one I mean, not the second one without the first one."
"I have seen cases of the second one without the first one, or when the second one was there before the first one," Fitzwilliam objected.
"Would the first one even be after the second one of the second one, or during or just after the first one of the second one?" Caroline asked.
"That would depend on if there were a second one." He suddenly noticed his mother and sister listening in on their conversation. "Are you confused?"
"Greatly," Lady Matlock answered.
"You should not be listening to what we say. We might be saying something that makes sense and I should hate to be caught doing that."
"Do not pride yourself on a lack of sense, Richard," Caroline said. "Or am I always seeing another side of you?"
"What do you mean, Caroline?" To his great surprise she looked a little shy. "You are not going to say it? Whisper it in my ear, then."
She leant over and whispered in his ear. "You always make sense."
Richard found Caroline's moodswings a little difficult to follow, and highly unpredictable, but he was glad that she seemed to have recovered temporarily. He had no illusions about her having changed her mind at all, since they had not discussed anything yet. "I have much to say to you, but I cannot do so here. Shall we go home?"
Caroline nodded, and they took their leave of the others. When they arrived home, there was a note from the Hursts' house, requesting Caroline to come over because Louisa had gone into labour. The note had been delivered a while ago already, so they hurried.
Caroline was with Louisa, and Richard was stuck with Mr. Hurst. The man never displayed anything whatsoever, but now he appeared slightly nervous to Richard's secret amusement. It also made him wonder how he would react when Caroline was giving birth. Somehow he could not imagine surviving the event sitting or pacing outside of the room. He wondered how Caroline was doing. Before she had gone in, he had managed to make her smile and he hoped that helped a little.
He had brought a letter from Darcy he had not read yet, and opened it. He skipped through the introduction, until he came to the real letter. Can you write about other matters besides the heroic deeds of your precious Caroline? Richard gasped. He had only mentioned Caroline once, possibly twice, but certainly not more than three times surely?
He and Mr. Hurst sat there for a long time. Richard heard Louisa's cries, but he was actually more concerned about Caroline than about Louisa. He did not really have to stay -- he could have gone to lie down, but he stayed anyway. The screams became worse and Hurst started pacing. Richard wondered how Hurst could contain himself and not run in to see how Louisa was doing. Finally it became quiet, and then they heard a baby cry. Caroline came out of the room almost immediately, looking green. "Oh lord, I feel sick," she muttered as she stumbled down the corridor.
Mr. Hurst was called in to view his daughter, and Richard sat there alone for a while until he and Caroline were called in too. Caroline still had not returned, so he went in without her to congratulate the new parents and view his niece. Louisa looked tired, which was no wonder, but other than that she looked fine and there was a happy smile on her face. "Where is Caroline?" she asked.
"She will be in shortly," he promised, vowing to drag her in if necessary. He looked at the baby in awe and thought she was lovely.
"It is a girl," said Mr. Hurst, but he did not sound too displeased, rather proud of his little Alice, in fact.
Richard envied him his tone, and his happy wife, and he went off in search of his own wife. She looked less green now. "Caroline, come and look at your niece."
"I already saw her right after she came out, and that was quite enough, thank you. I cannot believe I ever looked like that." Caroline had not seen the baby washed and clothed.
He did not understand. It was a lovely little thing. How could Caroline say such a thing? "You have to, Caroline."
"It will make me sick again." She refused to move. Caroline had been with Louisa the whole time, worried about her sister's safety and worried about going through this herself in the future, that she had needed a little while to calm down.
"I do not care if it makes you sick. It will make your sister unhappy if you do not come. Even if you do get sick, she will at least have seen you."
"She will understand. I am not coming." Caroline felt guilty. She would have been happy for her sister if she had not been pregnant herself. She feared she could not be happy enough for Louisa.
"No, she will not understand." He stepped closer and swung her over his shoulder. "I have not told her anything."
"Richard! Put me down!" she screeched, and hit him. "I am going to fall!"
Part 84
Colonel Fitzwilliam did not put Caroline down until in front of the door. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her in.
"Caroline!" Louisa cried happily when she saw her sister come in.
Caroline noticed that she had recovered very much, that she wearing other clothes and that her hair had been done now. She felt Richard give her a little push in Louisa's direction. "Give her a hug," he whispered.
Caroline walked forward and gave her a hug. Louisa did all the talking for her and urged her to look at the baby who was lying in her arms. Caroline approached slowly. It was amazing. She did feel something when she looked down at her little niece. "She looks like you, Louisa," Richard prompted her in a soft voice.
"She looks like you, Louisa," Caroline repeated dutifully, and was amazed to see that this was apparently one of the biggest compliments she could give.
"The fingers are so tiny," Richard instructed her.
"The fingers are so tiny!" Softly she touched one of the little hands. Caroline knew she was mellowing.
"Can I hold it?" Richard whispered.
"Can Richard hold it?" Caroline asked. She felt him give her a little nudge and she turned around looking very innocent.
"Why do you repeat everything literally except that?" He whispered.
"What is it?" Louisa asked.
"Uhh, nothing," he said, and he moved forward to take Alice. Caroline thought he was liking it very much indeed.
After a while he gave her to Mr. Hurst and he sat down beside Louisa to talk to her. Caroline was sitting some distance away next to Mr. Hurst who was holding Alice, and she kept looking at the little thing. Caroline was beginning to think Alice was adorable. "It is funny," said Mr. Hurst, startling her. "To see someone telling you what to do."
Caroline turned red. "You saw it?"
"Yes. It was fairly obvious. I cannot imagine you did not know what to do." He looked at his usually competent sister-in-law with new eyes.
"It happens."
"Do you want to hold her for a while?" he asked.
"Did Richard tell you to say that?" she asked suspiciously. Caroline thought there was perhaps more to Mr. Hurst than met the eye. He seemed to notice quite a few things.
"He wanted you to take her."
"Is it difficult?"
"No."
"Can I try?" she asked tentatively. If Mr. Hurst could do it, anyone could, and Caroline was not the sort of person to be beaten.
Mr. Hurst told her how to support the head and carefully handed his daughter over to Caroline. She looked at Alice and wondered what her own child would look like. Alice started to cry after a few minutes and Caroline quickly handed her back to Mr. Hurst, but that did not help. "Bring her to me, Thomas," Louisa called, and Alice stopped crying when she was in her mother's arms.
"Why did she stop?" Caroline asked Mr. Hurst.
"She knows Louisa is her mother," he replied.
"Would my child know me?"
"If you could wrestle it away from Fitzwilliam, I am sure it would know you."
Caroline giggled when she imagined such a thing. There was some truth in Mr. Hurst's remark, though -- Richard would likely spend a lot of time with his child.
Richard thought it wisest if he went home to get a few hours of sleep, and he came over to Caroline. "We should all get some rest. Are you coming with me or are you staying?"
Since Louisa had a nurse, Caroline thought she might as well go home. "I am coming. I shall come back to visit later."
They said good-bye to the Hursts, and left. In the carriage they were silent for a while, both too tired to speak, although they were still fit enough to think things through. "I want one," Caroline suddenly blurted out, fully realising her fickleness. She could not account for her sudden change of heart, nor was she sure if she would still think the same tomorrow.
Part 85
"What do you want, Caroline?" Colonel Fitzwilliam said absentmindedly.
"Oh!" she looked vexed. "What would it be that you want me to want?"
A baby, but that is not what you are talking about. No one could be so unreliable as to completely change their mind about something like that in such a short time. There must be something else. He racked his brains, but came up with a blank. "I have no clue."
"Richard, do not make me change my mind," she pleaded.
"About what?"
"About wanting it."
"Is this something I would approve of?" he asked cautiously.
"I thought it was, but if you only said those things to vex me, I shall not be happy at all," Caroline said.
"I still do not know what you are talking about," he complained.
"But you know me! I am your wife."
"Which means I can look into your mind?"
"Well, can you not?" Caroline asked.
"Can you look into mine?"
They continued their discussion while they alighted from the carriage and went to their bedchamber. The Colonel saw he could sleep for about two hours before duty called, but he also wanted to know what Caroline was talking about.
"No, I cannot look into your mind," Caroline admitted. "But I do know what you are thinking now and then."
"And I know what you are thinking now and then, but at this moment I do not. Can you not tell me straight away without turning it into an endless discussion?"
"You like endless discussions."
"This is an exception. Did you see the time? I am very tired. I must sleep for a while."
"Oh. In that case, perhaps I had better not tell you until you wake up," Caroline thought out loud. "It might keep you awake."
"I doubt that," he said drily. "I am almost falling over from fatigue."
"Oh, Richard. If it is not from fatigue, it will be from shock."
"You want something shocking," he stated, still no closer to an answer.
"It is not really shocking."
"Then why will I fall over from shock?" Richard asked.
"Because it may be shocking to you." Caroline slid into bed and closed her eyes.
"Now, Caroline, do not go to sleep! Tell me first. You cannot make me so curious and then fall asleep without telling me."
She opened her eyes and smiled. "Get into bed. You cannot fall over then. I should hate to see you hurt yourself. You already must have strained your back by carrying me like that."
"You do not weigh all that much." Richard got into bed to and looked at her. As much as he enjoyed talking to her, he wished she would get to the point in this particular instance.
"Not yet, no."
The little smile that accompanied her words made him suspicious. I want one. It may be shocking to you. Smiling when I would expect her to be abhorred. Could it be...? There was another little smile as she watched him think.
"Well, say it," she said encouragingly. "I know what you are thinking." Once she had decided that she wanted a child, life had become so much lighter, it seemed, and she smiled again. It had eased some, not all, of her worries, and she hoped that she would keep on wanting it.
"Do you want this child?" Richard asked incredulously.
"Yes. I do want one. I am not saying that I trust myself to be a good mother, but at least it will have a good father." Caroline snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes.
"Nonsense." He kissed her hair.
"Are you a bad father?"
"I was talking about you. You will be good, I can feel it. You did well with Robert, Bingley and me, of course."
Caroline snorted. "You two are no children."
"Both of us have our sisters telling us to grow up."
"Oh!" Caroline was appalled. "He told you that? I have not said that to him in ages!"
He laughed heartily. "He never told me anything of the sort. I merely guessed."
Part 86
Caroline had not risen when her husband had. He had told her to stay in bed and she had fallen back asleep. She woke only when her maid entered the room sometime in the afternoon. "Mrs. Daley is here to see you, Madam. I hope I did not wake you."
"I had to wake up anyway. Tell Mrs. Daley I shall come down when I am dressed, if she does not mind waiting."
Her maid returned shortly to assist her. "Mrs. Daley said she would wait, but she was most concerned that she had come at an inconvenient hour."
"I cannot stay in bed all day, Susan."
"I hope Mrs. Hurst was in good health, Madam," Susan said.
"She had a little girl. Did you know I am with child?"
"Yes, Madam."
"But I did not tell you! The whole house knows?"
"Yes, Madam."
"Was it discussed?"
Susan hesitated. "Yes, Madam."
"Argh!" Caroline said dramatically. "I suppose you knew before I knew?"
"I think so, Madam."
"I suppose you wondered why I was not happy."
"No, Madam. We wondered how the Master knew."
"I did not tell him! Lady Matlock told him. How did he know?" Caroline looked puzzled. Richard had indeed not seemed terribly surprised at his mother's words, but she had been too preoccupied with herself to notice. What had he been doing there anyway? Talking about her?
"Mrs. Foster says he is no fool."
"I would agree with Mrs. Foster," Caroline smiled.
She went downstairs and greeted Mrs. Daley. "Caroline, I am sorry if I caused you any inconvenience by calling on you right now," Mrs. Daley said anxiously. Of all the officer's wives, Mrs. Daley had become her closest friend, despite the fact that her husband was only a lieutenant. To the other ladies this was a huge difference from a colonel's wife, but Caroline still had not quite gotten the hang of the ranks -- officers were officers -- although she had always been very adept at discerning nuances in social strata in non-military life.
"Do not worry, Serena."
"Thank you, Caroline. I wondered if you would go shopping with me."
"Of course. I need some small things myself."
"I was told your sister gave birth last night. That is wonderful! Please give her my best wishes."
"Thank you." Caroline thought that the more people who knew about her own situation, the more she would really get used to the idea, so she told Mrs. Daley, who thought this was equally wonderful news.
Louisa was very happy that Caroline came to visit her after she had been shopping, and she was happy to show off little Alice once again. Alice's eyes were now open most of the time and she looked at Caroline curiously. "Perhaps she recognises me, Louisa," Caroline said. "I held her for a few minutes yesterday."
"Yes, I saw that. It was not as bad as that, was it? One must practise, dear sister, and especially you."
"Richard told you?" she cried.
Louisa smiled. "He was asking me all sorts of questions about things that could not possibly be holding any sort of interest for him, so eventually I asked him to what those questions tended. He is very nice."
"What did he ask you?" Caroline asked curiously.
"He said he would like to know if your reactions were normal, and if I thought you would ever change your mind. And he asked me how I felt."
Caroline told herself she would ask him about that.
Caroline got home late. She entered the house and a servant took her clothes. "The Colonel is in the dining room, Madam."
Caroline had completely forgotten about dinner and she pressed her hand to her mouth. Dinner was supposed to have been half an hour ago. She had never been late before, so she did not know how he would react, although she remembered that Richard had found it quite just that people were flogged for being late. She did not expect him to be really angry with her, even though he was always hungry when he came home, but she did not enter the dining room without a little trepidation.
"Women and shopping," he shook his head when he saw her.
"I visited Louisa and Alice afterwards," she apologised quickly. Surely such an excuse would mollify him?
"Very sly," he remarked appreciatively. "You know I cannot have any objections to that."
"It is true!" she cried.
"I did not doubt you. Forgive me for having started without you, but I was hungry and it was getting cold. I have to consider the cook's feelings as well, you know."
She gave him a doubtful glance, unsure if he was angry or not. "I thought you disapproved of lateness."
He smiled. "In some instances I do. In other instances I am merely wondering what is so terribly enjoyable about shopping, and worrying that something might have happened to you. Sit down and eat, Caroline. It may still be warm. Did you buy anything?"
"I bought a rattle for Alice, and some new handkerchiefs, and some more little things. Louisa said to me that you had been asking her questions. About what?"
"About carrying a child, of course."
"Why?" Caroline did not see why he would want to know anything about that.
"Because I was interested," Richard answered.
"Why? You will never have to carry one." To her that seemed the only reason for a person to want to know anything about the subject.
"No, but you do."
Part 87
"Why are you shivering, Richard?" Caroline asked.
"I am cold."
She looked puzzled. It was extremely warm in the room, and his cheeks were glowing. How could he be cold? She touched his hands. "Your hands are ice cold!"
He shivered again as she placed her hand on his cheek. "No, yours are ice cold!"
"You are ill," she stated and she looked so concerned that he felt he had to reassure her.
"I am merely tired, Caroline. It is nothing."
"No, you are ill. Come. You must go to bed and rest." She pulled at his arm, and he let himself be dragged upstairs.
In the morning they were both feeling rather unwell for a while, until Caroline recovered herself. She was beginning to get used to it. "You are staying home today," she told him. "No walk this morning, and leave those duties to someone else."
"But..." he protested weakly.
"Do not protest. You are ill. Would you like anything?"
He shook his head. "I do not feel like eating."
Caroline got him something to drink and ordered him to go back to sleep while she got dressed. After she was dressed she saw that he was sleeping again, and she went out for a walk alone. They would usually take one together in the morning, and she had become used to the exercise. On her walk she passed her doctor's house, and she called to request him to visit Richard some time that day. She did not think it was anything serious, but it was better to make sure. When she returned she aired the room and sat by his bed to read a little, only leaving his side to have breakfast downstairs.
"Do you still not want to eat anything?"
He grimaced. "Not really, no. I feel very bad."
"You must try to eat a little bit. Some fruit perhaps?" she asked.
"I could try." It did not sound as if he had much confidence in it.
Caroline fetched him an apple on a plate, but he made a mess of cutting it, so she cut it into little pieces which she fed him.
"I hate apples," he moaned. "They taste awful."
"Of course they do. You are ill. Would you like some tea? Hot milk with honey?"
"No hot milk. That even makes me shiver when I am not ill."
"Tea then?" Caroline tried.
"Ugh," he groaned, closing his eyes. "I cannot sleep anymore. How boring this is."
"Shall I read to you?"
"Yes, please." He tried to heave himself into a sitting position and adjust the pillows behind his back, but Caroline had to assist him.
She read to him for a long time until he suddenly interrupted her. "Caroline."
"Yes?"
"Now I understand why you wanted me to stay with you when you were ill at Netherfield."
"Only now? I obviously married a man of excellent understanding. That was months ago. Have you been listening to anything I read to you? It appears you were thinking of other matters."
"Yes, I listened. Maybe more to the sound of your voice than to your words, but please do not stop. Unless you have anything to do, then you must do it, naturally. Do not let me get in the way of your daily activities. I shall be fine," Richard said pathetically. "Do you have anything to do?"
"Yes, I do," Caroline said calmly.
"Oh." It sounded a little disappointed. "Well, good-bye then."
"I am staying here."
"But you said you had something to do." He looked puzzled.
"Yes, I have to entertain you."
He looked so pleased that she had to laugh, and she read some more to him until the doctor came. He examined the patient carefully, but could not find anything seriously wrong. "I think this shall soon pass, Colonel. It is in all likeliness the result of too little sleep and a slight cold. You must stay at home for two days, and I shall prescribe a draught. I shall tell Mrs. Fitzwilliam that she ought to see to it that you take a dose three times a day until you are completely recovered. And I would advise you to sleep more in the following days." He peered at Richard over his spectacles. "The same applies to Mrs. Fitzwilliam, in her probable condition. She is taking excellent care of you, but make sure she gets her rest."
Part 88
Colonel Fitzwilliam had written back to Darcy with the good news, although he had not wanted to place too much emphasis on it in view of his cousin's reply to his previous letter. Darcy read the letter in the presence of Elizabeth and Georgiana.
Dear cousin,
This is a joint effort. I dictate and Caroline writes, for my hand is slightly bruised (nonsense; Richard loves to dictate).
"Hmm," said Darcy. "It appears that Caroline writes it and inserts her own comments between parentheses?"
I hope this letter finds you and Mrs. Darcy in good health. You wrote me last with the request to forego the heroic deeds of my precious Caroline in my next letter (I shall second this, do not worry). I am afraid I must disappoint you, although I suspect you were jesting, because according to Caroline I certainly did not mention her half as much as you mentioned Mrs. Darcy. Well, that said, I shall keep it short for your sake and further on refrain from mentioning Caroline: Caroline is increasingly happy.
"I cannot imagine it," Elizabeth giggled. "Did you really mention me so often? And what does this imply? That Caroline reads his letters?"
Darcy had wondered about that too. He would have to keep that in mind next time. Some things certainly were not meant to be read by Mrs. Fitzwilliam.
Now, onto other matters. How is Georgiana? Is she behaving like a good young lady ought? Does living at Pemberley please her? I do not know anything. (Yes, he does. I told Richard she has mastered a new piece of music.) I hope you are not ignoring your sister now that you have a wife to keep you occupied and take you shopping and visiting the in-laws.
"I shall write to him," Georgiana said dutifully. "And tell him you are not ignoring me very much."
Is it not amusing that we share one set of in-laws? If you have any message for Mrs. Darcy's relatives you wish us to pass on to them, please let me know. Caroline asked if we could visit Bingley soon, so we shall, and we have heard from him that Mrs. Bingley's relatives as good as live at Netherfield, so we shall undoubtedly meet them.
"Oh!" Elizabeth cried in dismay. "I had hoped they would not do that."
"Do what?" Darcy asked.
"Visit Netherfield so often. Poor Jane."
Our cousin Anne was a bit upset with Aunt Catherine's matchmaking intentions -- after we thwarted her first and second plans -- and I have invited her in case it should become too much, but I (I) doubt if she would actually run away from Rosings. In fact, we specifically want you to mention this matchmaking scheme to Georgiana, and tell her my sister Catherine would like a letter. She will know what we mean.
Georgiana grinned widely and said nothing in response to her brother's curious looks.
Mrs. Hurst had a little girl who is very adorable, but Caroline's adoration depends on her mood, which will continue to be rather variable for the time being, I suppose. One day she prefers a little boy, and the next a little girl.
"I shall write to Mrs. Hurst as well," Georgiana decided. "And to Caroline, to say that a little boy would be so lovely."
"Actually, I cannot imagine her preferring a little boy," Darcy commented.
"I should like to see that very much," Elizabeth said mischievously. "One who comes home dirty every day and plays wild games in the house."
If one should ask me (but they will not ask Richard, since the answer is obvious), it is all wonderful to me. The whole delivery made me quite ill (do not think for one moment that Richard witnessed it -- he is being obscure on purpose -- he fell ill a day later), but fortunately I have Caroline.
"I am glad for Caroline's insertions," Darcy remarked. "But I would not really have thought he witnessed it."
I could write more, but it is time for dinner. (Besides, Richard has caught on to my extra comments.)
"There is an ink stain next," said Darcy.
"Oh!" Elizabeth cried excitedly. "He came to take away her pen."
"The handwriting changes. He must really have a hand injury, because it looks very badly written."
I see I could not refrain from mentioning my dear Caroline in the rest of my letter. She is trying to distract me, so I had better end and wish you happiness. Your cousin, &C
"It sounds and looks more like they were fighting over the pen," Elizabeth giggled. "Look at those scratches."
Darcy looked at the last part of the letter with disapproving eyes. "I cannot believe they sent this. It is a Bingley letter!"
"Well, she used to be Caroline Bingley."
Part 89
Part of the regiment was away on an exercise and Colonel Fitzwilliam did not have much to do, so he went home. He did not know if his marriage had made him less conscientious, or if he had been overly conscientious before. Only when he approached his house did it occur to him that Caroline might not be home, but she was in, fortunately, and she was busy drawing.
"Richard!" she smiled. "Come shopping with me."
"Again?"
"Not for the same thing, obviously."
"That is a pity. We now know where to find it and this thing you need has to be discovered first." Which would take a long time since Caroline was hard to please. Richard rather disliked shopping. Shopping with Caroline ranked a little higher, but not very much.
"But that is the fun of it," she frowned. "And it is not for me. It is for you."
He looked surprised. "What is it? Do you want my hair done differently again?"
"No, no, your hair is fine now. I saw a very pretty coat the other day, and it is exactly the colour of your eyes."
"Oh." He wondered how she could know that if he was not there.
"Besides, it matches one of my gowns," Caroline said.
"Oooooohhhh."
"I do want us to look well-matched."
He laughed.
"Oh, laugh at me again," she said good-naturedly. "But you are the one who began it all by saying all those things about orange. I know you will be coming with me, so get changed."
He went with her, of course. When they came out of the shop, he remarked on something he had seen before. "This is next to my favourite toy shop."
Caroline coughed. "What exactly do you have a favourite toy shop for?"
"May I remind you that I have a nephew who expects gifts for his birthday?"
"Richard, he is four. That is four gifts, and I am sure he was not expecting anything all four times. Besides, babies cannot play with toys, so you are basing this favouritism on three visits?"
"Do you ever have the urge to gag me and scream, Caroline?"
"Yes."
"Good, so you know how I feel right now?"
"Yes. Probably."
"Let me show you then that they do indeed have things for babies. We shall buy something for Alice.
"This," said Richard when they were inside the shop, "is a rattle." He rattled it.
"Pfff," said Caroline, to indicate that she was not a complete fool.
"You are even starting to make baby sounds," he whispered to her with a broad grin, so the shopkeeper would not overhear.
Caroline said, "pfff," to this again. "Did I ever...?" she asked, as she took over the rattle. "Such...fun..."
"Wisdom comes with the years," he said solemnly.
"Are you pontificating again, my dear?" She said absentmindedly while she looked at the other rattles.
"I was only saying that you were probably not very wise yet as a baby and found rattling enormous fun."
"You seem to have a marvellous insight in the mind of a young child, Richard. I like this one." Caroline held up one with tiny bells. "It makes such a lovely sound. Oh! And that!" she pointed to something that a baby could hit and pull at while it was lying on its back. There were also little bells attached to it. "Three of these, and two of those, please," she told the shopkeeper, and grinned at Richard, who looked amazed.
When they were outside again, he could not hide his curiosity. "Three rattles? Two of those other things? Caroline?"
She giggled.
"Caroline? One is for Alice. I can guess why you would buy two of both, but two of one thing and three of the other?"
"I cannot hang such a contraption over your bed, but I can give you a rattle."
"I think you are very lucky that we are in the middle of a street," he smiled.
"Gag and scream again?" she asked interestedly.
"No, rattle."
"How appropriate," she smiled back.
A day later they departed for Netherfield. Bingley and Jane came out of the house to greet them. "How well you look, Caroline," Bingley said. "You look a little different somehow. You look married, perhaps."
"That must be it," she said dryly. "You and Jane look very well too. Charles, did you not receive my letter yet?"
"I received one several weeks ago."
"No, you should have received one this week."
"Shall we go inside?" Bingley suggested. "Dinner will be served shortly." The ladies led the way and the gentlemen followed.
"Say, Bingley," Fitzwilliam lowered his voice. "Could you make sure Caroline does not see or smell any things that are on this list? They do not quite agree with her at the moment."
"What is the matter with her?"
"Uhh Caroline," he called. "Could you explain to Bingley about the list?"
"Richard is going to be a father and it makes me sick now and then," Caroline explained to her bewildered brother.
Part 90
They stayed two days with Bingley, and then they returned to London. Bingley had been very enthusiastic about becoming an uncle yet again. Caroline was glad that she had had what was probably her last chance to chase after Richard in Netherfield's park. She was increasing slowly over the weeks, and she could even feel the baby move. It had been a bit of a shock at first, but she soon loved the feeling.
"It feels as if it is moving all day long without rest, Richard," she said to him.
It had taken a while before he could feel the movements too, and he was delighted when he first felt something. "It is no wonder with an active mother like you," he teased.
"Hmm, I was thinking that he or she is taking after you, rather. You never sit still, and I sit still occasionally. Especially now. I cannot run up the stairs very quickly anymore. Soon I shall be as huge as Louisa was. Already I have to wear tents. Do you not think I am terribly ugly?"
"No, because of this?" He stroked her stomach, and was rewarded with some movement from within. He grinned. "See, we do not agree. The little one inside was a little offended by your implication that he makes you ugly."
"Oh dear," Caroline exclaimed.
Richard laughed and he pulled her closer. "I hope I shall be a good father."
"I do not understand how you could doubt that."
"I have doubts sometimes," he confessed. "Sometimes I cannot see why you married me."
"We doubt alike," she smiled. "What do you see in me, I wonder. But I have never regretted my choice."
"Neither have I."
She had had her birthday and Richard and she had stayed home, drinking too much wine and getting too little sleep. He had quite a headache when he woke up the next morning, but he decided it had been worth it.
Caroline liked going out with Louisa to buy baby clothes, and she bought so many that she thought it was perhaps a little too much to have everything double, but then it was better to have too much than too little.
She visited her sister, sister-in-law and mother-in-law very often, if they happened to be in town. The physician had said she was doing fine, so she saw no reason to stay at home. Her pregnancy was a convenient excuse on other boring occasions where she was supposed to be present as the wife of Colonel Fitzwilliam, however. He would wink at her when she said she did not think she could stand up for so long, and he would offer to make her excuses. He knew she was not too fond of such occasions, and he did not want anything to happen to her either. The other officers had seen her at dinners, so they knew she had a valid excuse, and their wives saw Caroline regularly.
Not one of her former friends that had shunned her had renewed the acquaintance, and she did not miss them in any way. Sometimes she would see one at the theatre or the opera, and now and then they would give her a polite curtsey or bow, but never more than that. If they ever made any condescending remarks clouded in politeness, Richard would be quick to invite them to dinner with an innocent smile, and they would retreat immediately. Caroline felt a little pity for them -- she had more than they would ever have, and yet they did not realise it.
The people who sought out Richard now that he had become richer through his marriage always encountered Caroline first. She was quite adept at discovering their motives and dealt with them accordingly.
One day, she was eight months along now, she sat at home going over the household accounts with the housekeeper when a letter was delivered by express. It was addressed to Richard, but she opened it and read it. Her face turned ashen. "Oh no!" she said. "No!"
Part 91
It was not that she was very much affected by the news herself -- she had not been well enough acquainted with either man to feel much grief, but she knew it would be different for her husband, and she felt it in his place. "How am I going to break this to Richard?" Caroline asked herself desperately. Tears formed in her eyes when she thought of the pain this news would cause him. She did not want to see him hurt.
She arrived at the barracks and an officer, recognising his Colonel's wife and seeing her distress and her obvious pregnancy, offered to help her up the stairs. He led her up some stairs, around a few corners and down a long corridor. He halted in front of an open door. "The Colonel's rooms, Madam," he bowed.
"Thank you very much," Caroline replied.
Richard heard her voice and appeared in the door opening. He took in his wife's distressed look and his face became serious. Caroline was nearing the end of her pregnancy and for her to come here meant that something was seriously wrong. He gave the other officer a brief glance. "Thank you for showing my wife the way, Lieutenant."
"It was my pleasure, sir," the Lieutenant saluted, and left after a curious look at Caroline.
Richard led Caroline through his secretary's room into his own and closed the door. "What is wrong?" he asked softly. Her eyes were full of empathetic tears.
She took his hands. "Richard, a messenger came this morning, and..." She closed her eyes. "You must read it for yourself. I cannot do this to you." Caroline handed him the letter with a heavy heart and watched him read it. He kept staring at the letter, and she put an arm round him. He shook his head in disbelief. Caroline pulled him closer. It broke her heart to see his grief and she felt the tears streaming down her face. She could not bring his father and brother back, but at least she could support him. She pulled his head down on her shoulder and stroked his hair. Richard squeezed her so tight that she could hardly breathe but she did not protest, only held him. "Let it go," she whispered when she felt he was struggling to control his grief. He cried on her shoulder.
After a long time, he spoke. "I must support my mother."
"Yes, she will need you." He raised his head and looked at her. She saw his grief and his red eyes and her eyes welled up again.
"But I need you, Caroline."
"I am here," she said softly.
"I do not know what to do. Mother needs me, but I cannot leave you and yet you cannot travel."
"Go to your mother. I shall be all right," she lied. He was torn, and she saw it. "Go," she said gently. "It is enough for me to see that you want to stay here as well. I have another month. You will be back in time."
He felt her increased shape press against him and he took a step backwards. "I do not want to prompt the birth," he said gingerly.
Caroline took his hand and placed it on her stomach. "I promise we will wait until I see you again."
They looked into each other's eyes for a while until his clouded over again. "We had better go home. I must leave as soon as possible." Colonel Fitzwilliam took Caroline's arm and went to inform the next in command about the sudden emergency.
Colonel Fitzwilliam had packed his things and he was ready to leave. Caroline had been sitting on the bed watching him, dreading the moment when he would be gone. She had begged him to take her, but he had been adamant. "I am sorry, Caroline. I cannot take you. Your condition prevents it." It pained him to say it. "For your health..."
"Please?" She looked at him especially pleadingly, but he looked over her head.
"I cannot. The risk is too great, Caroline. You have been forbidden to exert yourself too much these last weeks, and you know very well that I have turned a blind eye in some cases, but this is too much. Two days in a carriage is almost unbearable for someone who is not expecting a child."
"I shall not complain."
"I know. It is not that I do not want to take you, but it would be better for you if I did not."
She started to cry when he approached her to say good-bye. Do not leave me, Richard. Take me with you. I need you. She said nothing. He took her hands and gave her a long kiss. He gave her one more agonised look, and then he left. Caroline cried bitterly.
Part 92
Colonel Fitzwilliam sat in the carriage and felt miserable. The carriage passed animals grazing in fields, farmers labouring their land, and the sun was shining, but he did not see anything, although his eyes were staring out of the window. All he could see was Caroline's tears. All he could think of was Caroline and the death of his father and brother. He just could not imagine that his father and brother were gone, that he would never see them again.
He was afraid. What if something happened to Caroline while he was away? He would not be able to live with the fact that he had left her behind. And yet he had had to. One could not take someone in her condition for a two-day carriage ride. It would be too risky. What if something would happen, to her, or to the child? It had been for the best to leave her. Her health was more important. He would miss her, but he could live with it, and so could she, he hoped. He tried to find peace with his decision, but no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, he could not.
Richard could not travel to Matlock without Caroline. Not right now. They had not progressed that far yet. He could go back and stay with Caroline. But Mother... He thought of his mother, who had lost both her husband and her son. He could not abandon her now. Whatever he did, two, no, three people would feel miserable. If only I could take Caroline.
He pondered the thought. That would be the ideal solution, but she could not travel in her state. Why not? She has a whole month to go. I can take her. Nothing will happen. But what if it does? What if she miscarried because I was so selfish to take her? But Caroline herself begged to come, and she would not have done that if she knew it jeopardised her health. She must feel it is all right to travel. We could travel slowly. We could take extra blankets and pillows so she will not feel as much of the motion of the carriage. And we shall hire an extra big one to travel in. He told himself to make a decision. He could not go on doubting like this for two days. It was impossible.
With a sigh, he ordered the carriage to turn back. A huge weight had fallen off his shoulders.
An hour after Richard had left for Matlock, Caroline was still crying. She was getting nervous. What if I am to give birth in the next few days? What if I die, like Mother? Without seeing Richard? What if it is painful? I need him. He needs me. I cannot do this without him. I wish I could have gone with him. I know it is better to stay here, but surely I could have gone with him? I miss him. Could I not travel after him? I could, could I not? Yes, I could, and I shall. Nothing will happen. I have a month to go. If it does, I can hold it up for two days until Richard is with me again. I shall go after him. She imagined the happiness when they would be reunited.
"We are going to Matlock," she said to her maid.
"Madam!" the maid exclaimed.
"Do not say it, I know. You will not be able to convince me to stay. Just help me pack."
"Yes, Madam."
"And pack all the baby things, Susan. I do not think I shall be able to travel back here after the funeral. I shall not be allowed to, in any case. I shall be lying-in there, so everything that I shall need, must come."
"Will this all fit into one carriage?" Susan asked doubtfully.
"We shall have to hire some transport anyway, what with our own carriage being away. Could you have a very big one arranged?"
"Certainly, Madam."
Caroline's spirits improved immensely now that she had decided to leave for Matlock. Her tears had stopped and she hummed a cheerful tune while she packed her trunks. She did not even mind that she occasionally felt something. She chose to ignore it, because if she felt anything she would have to stay home.
Susan returned. "Are you taking everything, Madam?" she asked, looking at the amount of clothing Caroline had sorted out.
"No, but I have not quite made up my mind yet about the gowns. Perhaps I shall be wearing more nightgowns. I shall take all my nightgowns and fewer gowns," she decided.
The nightgowns took up less space than gowns, so Susan thought this was a good idea. She had been able to convince Mrs. Fitzwilliam to restrict herself to only really necessary garments. In the end, this resulted in only two trunks, one of which also contained the things for the baby. Susan was proud of herself. She recalled the days when Miss Bingley had found it a most normal occurrence to take three trunks for short stays.
Part 93
Colonel Fitzwilliam returned home to find his wife on the verge of leaving. A broad grin spread across his face when he saw she had planned to follow him, and Caroline was equally happy to see him.
"Do you realise you will have to stay at Matlock for several weeks, Caroline?" he said when they were on their way.
"I know," she answered. "I packed enough."
They did not say much for the entire first day of the journey. Caroline was lying on the opposite seat and slept for most of the time. They stayed at an inn for the night, and Caroline woke up in the middle of the night feeling a little pain. It soon passed away, and she fell asleep again. She did not tell Richard. He would only be worried and insist that they stay at the inn, but she was sure it was nothing and they were almost at their destination. They traveled on, but it was not long before she felt more pain.
"Did you feel anything?" Richard asked when he saw her grimace.
"No, it was a hole in the road," she reassured him. Every few miles she would feel something, and she knew it was not right. It was too early. Caroline closed her eyes and begged the pains to stop, but they kept coming. She wanted to cry, and a tear fell from her closed eyes. If anything happened, it was her own fault. She had insisted on going, although she knew it was not a good idea.
Richard had seen the tear, and the tightening of her fists whenever she felt something. Something was wrong. "Caroline..."
"Yes?"
"Is something wrong?"
"No. Are we almost there?" she asked in a small voice. It could not be happening now. It was too early. She was frightened.
"Did you feel anything?" He saw her frightened look.
"Yes," she breathed. "But it cannot be. Not yet."
"It could be starting," he said. If he let the carriage go faster, the bumping would perhaps induce the birth. If he let it go slower, it would take longer before they arrived at Matlock. A birth in the carriage was not to be preferred. There would not be any knowledgeable person at hand either.
"But why is it so early?" There were tears in her eyes.
"It will be all right," he said soothingly, although he did not really believe it himself. He hoped it helped Caroline, though. "Everything went so well so far." He squeezed her hand. "We can do this, Caroline."
"We?" she gave him a weak smile. "They will force you to pace the hall. I shall have to do it alone."
"I shall not leave you."
She grimaced as she felt more pain. "I do not think you have a choice, Richard," she gasped, but she smiled at the same time, strengthened by his reassurance that he would stay with her. "I have a premonition...your first child...shall be born...in a carriage. You are going to have to stay with me."
"Shall I have the carriage stopped?"
"No. Not yet. How far do we still have to go?" Caroline asked.
"Quite a bit. A few hours at the very least," he looked out of the window worriedly.
"Only a few hours. How much is a few?"
"Three or four."
Caroline closed her eyes and hoped that if the pain meant that the birth was near, it would not be in the next four hours.
Part 94
They had not been able to make it to the house, and Richard had had the carriage stopped. He was extremely glad that Caroline's maid was traveling with them, so she could be of use. She had prepared things while he had been trying to comfort Caroline.
When he was finally sitting there holding a little girl, he could only look in awe. He had to swallow a few times before he could tell Caroline, "it is a girl," and Caroline smiled tiredly. He handed her to Susan who had the blankets and cloths ready. Richard was still amazed. His daughter was even smaller than his niece, and he had not thought anything smaller than that would be possible. It was so small, and yet it cried very loudly. Caroline held her for a while, and she was likewise affected, like he knew she would be. He kissed her, and whispered in her ear that she had been a good girl. And she had -- she had screamed things at him, but he knew she did not mean any of it. He had thought she had done admirably well. There was not much time to smile at each other and the baby, however, because the little thing needed to get clothed. Since Caroline was the only one who had ever attended a birth, she told them what to do.
Richard was gingerly looking after his firstborn with the help of Susan. Caroline suddenly broke off her instructions to moan. "Richard," she had said warningly. "You had better hurry up with her, because I think there is another one that wants out."
"Another one?" he had asked dumbly.
"Yes, another one."
"What do you mean?"
"Argh," she cried out in pain. "Another one!"
"Yes, but...we have already got one!" He knew this sounded awfully stupid, but he seemed to have lost his capability to think clearly.
"We shall have two!"
"Two? Are you certain?" he asked.
"Yes! Argh! I am certain. I am experienced now," she snorted in spite of the pain.
"How could that be possible?" he asked incredulously.
"I am experienced, because I --"
"No! How could you be having two?"
"This is my punishment for buying double sets of everything! Oh Lord! I am so glad I did not buy three!" Caroline cried. "Richard, I am really sorry, but you are going to have to hand in your rattle."
"Two, you say?" A smile began to spread across his face.
Caroline looked frustrated. "That is what I have been trying to tell you for the past five minutes! And stop smiling and help me, or you shall never have number two. Argh!"
Some time later Richard was holding the two screaming white bundles which contained his son and daughter, while Susan was tending to her mistress. He had already forgotten which was which, and they were now dressed so he could not see anymore. Now he understood why the first one had been so small. He hoped they were healthy. They breathed and cried normally, certainly. As soon as they arrived at Matlock he would send for the apothecary, or whoever was an expert on babies.
"I wonder why they are crying so," he said out loud.
"They must be hungry," Caroline answered and stretched out her arms. "Give me one." He handed one bundle over, and it stopped crying. "Oh, she knows it is me!" Caroline said delightedly.
"How do you know it is she and not he?"
"They look different." She adjusted her clothing.
"What are you going to do?" Richard watched her in surprise.
"She is hungry," Caroline said. "I do not want my children to be fed by some country woman. They might not grow properly. Besides, do you want me to starve them until we find one?"
They arrived at Matlock after midnight, when everybody else had already gone to sleep. Richard sent a servant out for the apothecary immediately. He carried Caroline up the stairs to a room that was well away from the others, while the maid carried the children.
"Am I lighter yet, Richard?" Caroline asked.
"A little."
"Why are you putting me in this faraway room?"
"Because you need rest. If I put you in my -- our -- room, everybody will hear the children cry, and they will all come to see you and they will think them so adorable that they will not leave you anymore, and you will not get any chance to sleep."
"Where will you be?"
"Here, once I find a cot." He lowered her on the bed.
"Where shall I put them, Colonel?" Susan asked.
"Put them on the bed for the time being, Susan," he answered. "I shall go and find something they can sleep in."
Not many people had woken up after their arrival, only the servant who had been sent out, and the housekeeper. Caroline had not wanted hundreds of people around her. She was too tired. The housekeeper hovered near the door, looking delighted when Caroline beckoned her in to watch the newest additions to the family.
"How has my mother been?" Richard asked her.
"She has been very bad," she answered gravely. "She has had very little sleep the past few days, but she is finally sleeping now."
"It would be better to let her sleep then," he winced. "And tell her in the morning. Is that cot still upstairs?"
"Yes. I shall get some sheets and blankets for it."