Section I, Section II, Section III, Section IV

Chapter 20

I did not join the others in the evening activities. Louisa wanted to speak to me, but I did not want to talk to her. She kept insisting that I had to do it tonight, but she did not understand. What was the use? Why had I tried for so long to win the love of a man who did not love me?

But think, Caroline. It will not matter if you are seen alone with him in his bedroom. He might love Eliza Bennet, but he will marry you. You know he would. All you have to do is tell Louisa that you are willing to go through with it, and he will be yours forever...

But the sensible side of me, the one that rarely presented itself, thought twice about that. He would never love you. You would spend your entire life trapped in marriage with a man who does not love you, who would resent you. Have you not once thought about that? What about his happiness?

His happiness. Would he truly be happy with Elizabeth? Would they settle into Pemberley and be happy together? Or would they be miserable because they were too different?

And what about Lady Catherine? What would she think when she heard that an upstart, a nothing of a girl from Hertfordshire with no family or fortune to speak of, was to marry her nephew and not her daughter? She would never forgive him...she--

Lady Catherine! Why did I not think of it before? Of course there is another way to prevent this whole thing--to tell Lady Catherine of her nephew's intended marriage! She would never allow it to go forward! Surely she must have a good deal of influence over Mr. Darcy, for he is forever visiting her, no matter what Sir James says. Perhaps I should mention to her that...

But Elizabeth had been at Rosings. Perhaps she and Lady Catherine had gotten along famously? She would be thrilled to hear...but of course not. Lady Catherine might like Eliza a great deal, as she had me, but she would never allow either of us to marry Mr. Darcy.

I was in a quandary. I had no certain course to follow. Louisa's course would insure that I married Mr. Darcy, but it would ruin any chance I would have of being happy with him. But marrying him was the only thing I wanted to do...was it not?

Then there was the other road, where I quietly gave up and tried to find someone else to marry. But whom? There was no one else that I had ever loved, no one I had ever thought about. And I was twenty-two, nearly twenty-three. I was reaching the age where I was going to be competing with beautiful young women, younger than myself. Who was I kidding? I was already there. And soon, not even my fortune was going to enable me to marry a suitable gentleman...good Lord, I would be stuck with someone like Mr. Hurst!

Yet how could I...I was a decent woman. I could no more go through with Louisa's plan than I could give away my dowry.

So I did nothing, that evening.

The next day was to bring Eliza back to visit, at Georgiana's request, but more ostensibly at Mr. Darcy's. I had seen him from my window, leaving in the direction of the town, going to see her, and my heart, already broken, shattered again. I decided to skip going downstairs to breakfast, and instead asked that a tray of toast and juice be brought to my room. Even then, I did not eat but a bite or two and took a few sips of juice.

Most of the morning I spent looking out that window, waiting for him to return, knowing that when he did, he would be triumphant at last. For what else could he be going to Lambton for, but to propose marriage to Elizabeth?

Which was why I was surprised to find that he returned much sooner than expected, and that he was rather cross. Louisa brought me that news, which confused us both. She once again said, "Caroline, tonight must be your night."

"I cannot and I shall not trick Mr. Darcy into matrimony."

"You are being completely insensible!" she exclaimed angrily. "You want to be his wife, do you not?"

"Of course I do! More than anything else in the world, I wish for everyone to be calling me Mrs. Darcy! I want to have all of London--all of England--at my feet. But how could I do such a thing, when it would only make me miserable!"

"How? How could you be miserable?"

"Because he would not love me! And I would never be happy because of it!"

"Who cares about happiness?"

"I do. I care about happiness--mine, and...and his."

"Oh, I give up. You are never going to see the right of it."

Louisa flounced out of the room, and I was certain she would not be speaking to me for quite a while. Which made her sudden reentrance into my room two hours later a shock.

"You shall never guess what has happened," she said, trying to regain her breath. Clearly, she had been running.

"Probably not."

"The Gardiners--and Eliza Bennet--have left Lambton in something of a hurry."

For the first time that day, I felt something stir to life inside of me. "Does anyone know why?"

"No. No one my maid, Betsy, could talk to knew the reason; however, she said that a servant at the inn said the mail had been brought to Miss Bennet at about the same time Mr. Darcy arrived--and soon after, the Gardiners were sent for, and the party left. All of it very mysterious."

"What does the mail have to do with it?"

"The servant Betsy spoke to swore that there were two letters from home for Elizabeth. I am thinking that something may be terribly wrong for the Bennet family."

"Such as?"

"Such as their father may have died, making the girls not only penniless but homeless. Remember, Mr. Collins inherits the estate, not the daughters."

I sighed. "Then there is nothing more to it than that. Mr. Bennet may be ill, or he may not be. Either way, Mr. Darcy shall marry Elizabeth."

"If he is dead, Caroline, then it shall be a full year before they could marry. A year! Think of it! You would have all that time to convince him not to marry her, and marry you instead."

But I had had enough. "Louisa! Think of what you are saying! You are wishing a man dead--a man no more harmless than a fly--so that I might marry! It's over! I've lost him!"

Louisa sighed. "I did not mean that I wished for the man's death. All I have wanted, I wanted for you. I want you to be happy. Are you going to be happy when he stands in church and vows to love, honour, and cherish Elizabeth Bennet for the rest of his life?"

"No."

"Then why are you giving up?"

"Because there is no point to trying anymore. Sir James was right. We are too dissimilar."

"Since when did you start listening to Sir James and stop listening to me?"

"When you started giving me advice that was scandalous, sacrilegious, and wrong!"

"Sacrilegious? Well, if that's the way you feel about it, see if you ever get any advice from me."

I sat on the bed again, shaking from unshed anger and pain. This is what has happened to me. I am not marrying the man I love, my sister has turned against me, and I have nothing...nothing at all...

Still, Louisa had said that Elizabeth and the relatives were gone. Mr. Darcy was here. Maybe he had proposed, and she had refused, and rather than stay around and embarrass everyone, she left...

But that evening, Mr. Darcy would be gone as well, and very unexpectedly. No one knew where he had gone, or when he would return. He had insisted that we stay and enjoy Pemberley until his return.

And we had had no news of why he had left, and whether or not it pertained to Eliza. But I knew, in my heart, that it had.

Chapter 21

Everything that happened went by so swiftly that it would take an historian to keep up with the whole thing. First thing, Louisa and I did not speak to each other for over two weeks, the longest we had ever not spoken to each other, unless we were separated, since we were children. But that was not as important as everything else.

About a week passed before we heard the rumour...and what a rumour it was! One of the Bennet sisters, we heard, had run away with an officer from the ----shire Militia. Although her note had said she intended to elope, or so the story said, she had not, and was believed to be in London.

Of course, although Louisa and I were still not speaking to one another, we both knew right away that the sister had to be that youngest one...oh, what was her name! I'd remember it someday. But the name of the officer eluded us until a second rumour circulated that it was a certain gentleman who had been known to Derbyshire...Mr. Wickham.

Mr. Wickham. The sister had run away with that degenerate! There was no way that Mr. Darcy could marry Elizabeth now!

It was news that, although startling, brought renewed hope to me. Louisa was pleased, at least, to see that I was thinking about marrying Mr. Darcy again, but still upset that I had screamed at her. I suppose one could not blame her, but she could have at least understood what I was going through at that time and not continued to insist that I do something so...well, indecent. Not that I could ever really picture doing anything of that nature with Mr. Darcy, anyway. He did not seem like the type who would enjoy...the marital relations at all.

Then, just as we were rejoicing over the news that Lydia--that was it!--anyway, that she had ruined herself and thus ruined her family...well, rejoiced might be too strong a word. But we were happy at the news that Elizabeth would no longer be a suitable wife, for Lady Catherine was sure to hear of the misfortune from that simpering cousin of theirs and thus never allow Mr. Darcy to marry her. That's all beside the point. But the news soon came that Lydia Bennet had married Mr. Wickham. All too hastily in London, yes. But married. And thus the ruin of her family had been stopped before it happened, even if the taint would always remain.

Mr. Darcy returned soon after the news arrived of Wickham's marriage. We all made certain not to mention the man's name, having seen the reaction it received from Georgiana. However, just as I thought we would settle in for a nice winter at Pemberley, Charles announced that we would be returning to Netherfield. Once again, Mr. Darcy was invited to stay with us if he wished.

Once again he accepted. This time, his motives were clear, though. He was going to Elizabeth Bennet. And Charles was going to Jane. I could accept the latter much easier than I could the former.

"Well, here we are again, sister. Back in the primitive world of Hertfordshire," Louisa said. "Back where all of this mess started."

Those were the first sympathetic words she had said to me since the incident.

"But this time, I know how it shall all end," I said softly. "He is going to marry Elizabeth. He is going to ask her soon."

"And which crystal ball are you gazing into, little gypsy?" she asked. "I do not see anything of the kind."

"Then why was he so eager to take Charles up on his offer to come back to Netherfield? Last year when we were here, he had nothing but disdain for Hertfordshire."

"He is merely here because Charles had the desire to hunt. After all, they are friends."

"Yes, but Mr. Darcy has spent the better part of a year with us. He does have other friends, you know. He could go off with one of them. He is here for Elizabeth."

"Go on. Be the gloomy person you have been for the past month or so, I do not care. I wash my hands of you, Caroline Bingley. You let the best thing that could ever have happened to you get away and you did not even put up the best fight you could have."

"Because it would have been wrong," I said. "Now please, Louisa, could you go? I have a terrible headache from the journey, and I need my rest."

I could not sleep. I had tried and tried, but sleep would not come. Finally, frustrated, I put on a robe and walked down the stairs. It was one in the morning, and I was certain not to be seen. I walked into the library, which was still in deplorable shape, only to find someone already in there. He had his back turned to me, looking out into the darkness, but I had become so accustomed to his gazing out of windows that I knew who it was.

I did not speak. I merely looked at him, for what I knew would be the last time. He was so handsome, so wonderful...and he was in love with someone else. As I saw his moonlit silhouette at the window, I thought about that side of him that I had not reached, and Elizabeth apparently had. Tears filled my eyes, and they fell when I blinked. I let out a ragged breath--and Mr. Darcy turned.

"Miss Bingley," he said quietly. "I--what are you doing here at this hour?"

"I could not sleep," I replied.

"You should not be here."

I could not help but think of how it would look if Louisa were to see us now--if anyone were to find us here. I had inadvertently put myself in a compromising position with the man. And it no longer mattered to me.

"I am sorry--I'll go." Before I could leave, I had to ask. "Why could you not love me?" My voice broke at the end, and wavered throughout. "Why did you not see how much I cared about you? I could have made you a wonderful wife."

"Miss Bingley--"

"No! No. Please, let me finish. I shall not have the chance again, I am sure."

"You should not expose yourself."

"Why did you not see how much I loved you?"

"I did see. But I knew, from the moment we met, that I was never going to love you, Caroline. We are too dissimilar."

His words, the echoes of what Sir James had said.

"And if you would admit it to yourself, you do not really love me. You do not know me at all, much less well enough to love me for more than what I represent."

"I do know you--"

"You know my cousin better than you know me."

I slumped into a chair.

"I am sorry if I have caused you pain, Miss Bingley. And I can see that I have. But I have never loved you. I never could."

"You love Elizabeth, do you not?"

"I..."

"Do not say anything. I know you do. Why?"

He did not answer for a minute. "Because she is the one woman who understands me completely," he said softly. "She does not look at me and think of carriages and jewels and money. She sees me...as a man. Or at least, I believe she does. She is not petty, or spiteful. She does not deliberately set out to hurt other people, as you...and I...have done. What we did to Charles was wrong."

"I know that now," I said.

"I am sorry, Caroline," he said again. "I can only hope that...that you are able to find happiness. And I believe that you may...very soon."

With that, he walked out of the room. I sat for so long in that chair, not moving, that when I finally arose to return to my room, I felt my whole body ache. But nothing ached quite as much as my heart...

Chapter 22

...And I guess that is about where that story ends. Now they are gone, happily ever after in their carriage on their way to Pemberley, where not so long ago I thought I would be living. The reception for the happy couples would continue for a while longer--Mrs. Bennet had insisted upon it, even if her husband looked less than thrilled at the idea of having to stand around when he could be off with a good book.

I knew the feeling--well, not for a good book. But the feeling of being alone...lately, it had been wonderful. Yet I returned as well.

There were a great number of guests, relatives that I had not seen in quite a while, relatives of Mr. Darcy's (Lady Catherine and her daughter noticeably absent--Sir James conspicuously present) and of the Bennet family. Friends from London and Derbyshire, people who knew the couples. It was almost as like a London society crush as it could be, and everyone--excepting myself--was having a wonderful time.

I was at the punch bowl, getting drink, when I heard a voice behind me, one that sounded suspiciously like one that I had heard in London at the party for Sir James and Colonel Fitzwilliam.

"There she goes," the voice said. "Poor little Caroline."

The other young voice giggled. "Amelia, that is impolite. After all, it is not her fault that Mr. Darcy did not love her."

"Then why are you laughing? It may not be her fault that he did not love her, but she certainly made a fool of herself drooling all over him in London."

"I heard that she made a complete nuisance of herself at Pemberley."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Oh...one hears things."

"Rosalind, if you do not tell me all I shall be greatly vexed with you!"

"Well, you must promise not to tell al soul, but I heard that while they were at Pemberley..."

The voices trailed off as the girls wandered away. My cheeks flushed with shame. They seemed to know everything, and were hinting at a great many things I had not done. I set down the glass I had just picked up and, without a hint that I knew I was the object or ridicule, scorn, and worst of all, pity, walked out of the room.

I went outside. It was a cold, cold day, but I did not feel anything besides the emptiness in my heart. I did not hear anything except the blankness of the outdoors...and thus, I did not hear the voice that had been calling for me for a minute until the person tapped me on the shoulder.

"Caroline, are you insane? What are doing, walking outside with no wrap?" It was Sir James.

"Who would care if I caught pneumonia? No one, that is who. Leave me alone. Go inside and gloat with the others."

"Gloat? Who is gloating?"

"They all are? This entire farce is mocking me! I should have--I--" I wanted to die, but instead I started crying.

"You have to let go of him."

"I know, I know. But it hurts so much!" My sobs became harder, and I could barely talk around the lump in my throat. I felt him put his arms around me.

"It's all right, Caroline. It's all going to be all right."

"It shall not be 'all right,' 'just fine,' or any other such phrase! When he married her, he left me with no hope!"

"No hope? What on earth could you mean by that?"

"I am twenty-three. There are some in there who consider me on the shelf already. I have a fortune, and that is what I shall now be married for. Not for love or anything else of that nature. Plus, everyone knows what a monumental fool I have made of myself for Mr. Darcy! Who would marry me for love?"

"I would."

"And who would want a woman who loved someone else? That is what I kept telling Louisa, that he did not--" I stopped, finally registering what he had just said. "What did you say?"

I had never seen him like he was in that moment. In his dark eyes, I saw...fear. Nerves. He was scared.

"I said that I would marry you. Not for your money and not out of obligation or anything of that sort." He gave me a sheepish smile. "I love you, Caroline. Did you not guess? All that time?"

"I...no. Quite honestly, I had no idea."

"You must have known. For some time, you were the only woman I had thought about. To be sure, you were the most infuriating person, with your airs and your false sense of pride. And of course, your great love for my cousin. But love does not make sense, least of all to me. I have been waiting for so long for you to give him up."

"Why are you telling me this now? I have...I..."

"In part out of the hope that you would realize that you...love me as well."

Love? How could I love him? I have despised him for so long! But...no.

"You have not liked me, I know, in spite of my money and my estate and the prospect of being Lady Hampton. Perhaps it was because you were so attracted to my cousin, I cannot know that. But you were the only young lady I knew who was not impressed with it, as you have been to other people in the past with the same credentials. Not even before the incident...well, where I discovered your love for William." He sighed. "You confused me completely, Caroline. You frustrated me, you infuriated me...but I have always loved you. In spite of everything I know about you."

"You know more about my cousin..." Mr. Darcy had said that. And he had been right.

What were you in love with all that time, Caroline? What had you and Louisa thought about during those long months at Netherfield, then London, then Pemberley? His fortune, estate...not the man.

And whose voice was mocking you the entire time, telling you that you were doing the wrong thing?

"What...makes you think that I would not turn to you now for the same reasons that I fell in love with him? You are a good deal alike, you know. You even look a little alike."

"But there you are wrong. We are vastly different. You have admitted it yourself."

"But in essentials, you are the same. Same fortunes, same estates...same background. Are you not thinking that I might--"

"I might think such a thing."

"Or that I might be marrying you to silence the people gossiping about me?"

"That, too."

"Then can you honestly say that you are willing to marry me? That you do not care what my motives are?"

"Oh, I care, all right. But I think you might find it particularly easy to realize the truth."

"And that is?"

"That you have loved me almost as long."

"Do not be ridiculous."

"You have!"

"I do not! You are rude, and arrogant, and smug--"

I had been about to continue when he kissed me. It was a shock, I told myself, that made my knees weaken and my heart beat faster.

"Did you ever once feel like that around him?" he asked.

"Do not be foolish. Mr. Darcy is a gentleman. He never once--"

"Did you ever want him to?"

I thought back on it...and realized that he was right. Not once had I ever thought about kissing him...or anything else. While I was thinking, Sir James kissed me again. And again I found myself kissing him in return.

"This...this has got to stop!" I gasped, pulling away. "You are no gentleman."

"We agreed on that long ago. Gentlemen are no fun, and you need some fun, Caroline. You have not had any in a good long while."

"I have so."

"When?"

"Uh..well..."

"Exactly." He kissed me again. "I love you, Caroline. I love you so much that it scares me. I love you in spite of, or maybe because of, your imperfections. If you do not agree to marry me, you shall make me the unhappiest man in England. You would not do that, would you?"

"I--" I could not think when he held me in his arms, except how much I loved the feeling.

"I love you to the depths of my soul and even beyond."

I had never had a man say that to me in my life. And I remembered what I had said to Louisa...that I did not want to be any man's second choice, but his first.

Sir James wanted me, and only me.

But why? I wondered. Why did he love me? Was I worth loving? And did I love him in return?

Maybe not as much as he did...but in my heart, I knew that it had been building. He was not the conventional society man, he was not always a gentleman...

But I loved him.

"My darling Caroline, please say you'll marry me. Please."

I did not say anything, but I think he knew. He could see into my soul...he had always been able to.

"Of course I'll marry you," I said. "If I do not, you shall inflict yourself on some other helpless female..."

"Caroline...."

"Oh, all right! I love you, too!"

He laughed, and picked me up and swung me around, holding me tight to him. I could not help but relish the feel of him next to me...

Heaven forbid! I am thinking of what it might be like...but ladies do not think of such things! Or do they?

"We cannot spoil this day for the Bennet family, you know. We shall have to put off announcing the engagement for a few weeks, but when we do...would you marry me in the spring?"

"Yes...yes. Of course."

"And may I now call you Caroline without reprimand?"

I laughed. "Only if I may call you James."

"You realize what this means, do you not?"

"That I am thinking of you as more than just Mr. Darcy's cousin. And I do." I was looking into his dark eyes as I said that. I did not do it consciously, but when his eyes brightened, I realized that he knew I was being honest.

After all, I had never been able to look right at him and lie.

Conclusion

I married Sir James Fitzwilliam Hampton on a beautiful April morning. The sun was high in the sky, trees had just started to regain their leaves, flowers were blooming.

And I was blooming as well. I could honestly feel content for the first time in my life. I was happy. He made me happy. And if I was never going to completely change my ways, then at least I was not as bad as I once was. And he was not as bad as he used to be, either. We were both ready to settle down for a while, which was the best thing for both of us.

I had sincerely hoped that Jane and I could be friends, real friends, but unfortunately, I found that Jane was not as trusting as she had once been. My abominable behaviour to her in London, which she would probably always remember, caused her to be wary at first, and still a bit distant.

As for Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, well, I had little hopes of our ever being friends. I believe that that would be a little too much for any of us. But we could be civil, and polite, and often very pleasant to each other.

I secretly told Louisa of my engagement soon after the double wedding at Longbourn. She was thrilled for me, as I knew she would be. She saw my marriage in terms of marrying for money and estate. And while, in a way, I knew I would not be marrying James if he did not have these things, I had long stopped thinking of this marriage in financial terms.

This was a love match...and it always would be.

I knew that for certain, but never more so as Charles and I walked toward him, standing at the front of the church with Mr. Darcy. He had joked that I should have married him in my customary orange or red, but I told him that I would do no such thing. White may not be my best colour, but it was the one I would be wearing. He held out for decorating the church with sprays of red and orange flowers. After the ceremony, I reminded him of his comment about feeling like he was in a pumpkin.

"As long as you do not try to change things too much at home, I do not care. Besides, I happen to like the colour orange. It suits you perfectly," he said.

I was hoping he was right, for that evening, I fully intended to appear to him in our bedchamber wearing a skimpy orange nightdress, made for the occasion. When Louisa had given it to me, hidden in with some of my things packed for the trip to Somerset, I had blushed at the fact that it was practically transparent. But at the same time, as unladylike as I knew it was, I had thought of the impact it would have on my husband...

And I knew that even if it looked horrid on me, he would love it. He always would.

The End.