Posted on Wednesday, 21-Oct-98

r. Bennet was to lose his last daughter Mary to the state of matrimony on the morrow. As was to be expected, with all his other daughters back in Longbourn for the wedding, the house had been in chaos, with his wife in her element alternately shouting "Hill! Hill!" or "My poor nerves! Get me Mary!" and every now and then, "Oh my dear Mr. Bennet!"

Mr. Bennet regarded all this with a degree of satisfaction that would have puzzled the casual observer, but he had long made the study of domestic insanity a personal interest, and had to admit that over the years, he had the subject matter always to hand.

Not that he did not love his wife. This was far from the truth. In fact, as he sometimes reflected, he had much to thank his wife for, quite apart from the constant theatre which he had calculated had saved him at least one hundred pounds a year in theatre admission, if he had had to purchase it. No, his wife for all her meanness of understanding, had other virtues. She kept a good table, and a liberal helping of her chicken soup with those little dumplings could calm down even his nerves at the worst of times. She was also a very economical house keeper with a weather eye always out for a bargain. In fact, the very present that she was now wrapping for her last daughter to wed, was a case in point. He remembered the purchase well: Jane was only ten years old at the time, and they were all in London with the Gardiners. He had finally persuaded his wife to let him go to his favourite book shop in Pimlico, where she had seen Mrs. Forster's "A Guide to Marriage." She had haggled with the shopkeeper for a whole hour, finally getting five copies for near enough to wholesale, and with their names to be embossed on the front for no extra cost! He remembered the poor bookshop proprietor being hounded to get the names right - Jane Sarah, Elizabeth Ruth, Catherine Rebekah, Lydia Rahab, and Mary Naomi! What a wife!

The fact that the book was a terrible mish mash of addlepated clichés and potted wisdom was of no concern. Mr. Bennet considered that Jane, Elizabeth and Katherine would be too clever to take Mrs. Forster's advice, and Lydia would definitely not read it. Thus far, no harm could be done. However, Mary was different, being likely to take any such printed advice as the absolute truth. Her husband to be, Ben Goodstone, one of Uncle Phillips law clerks, shared her personality, so Mr. Bennet felt it his duty to protect his daughter and son-in-law from Mrs. Forster, and now was the time to spring into action.

Mrs. Bennet had left her wrapping to go upstairs for the hundredth time to fuss over Mary. The fact that Mary was to marry a Lawyer (well he would be as soon as he had finished his time as an articled clerk), and the Phillips' having no children (so guess who was going to get the business when Mr. Phillips died), had her in raptures over another well married daughter.

Mr. Bennet pulled out a book of his own, the same size as Mrs. Forster's, only this one, suitably embossed "Mary Naomi," bore the title "Ars Amandi." Mr. Bennet slipped his book into the wrapping paper, removing Mrs. Forsters. He then called Hill, saying "Mrs. Bennet is exceedingly busy, would you wrap this for her now please." While Hill duly obliged, Mr. Bennet hurried back to his library and gently deposited the "Guide to Marriage" on the fire. He did not want to have any unfortunate misunderstanding that would inevitably follow, if Mrs. Bennet were to find it later on. He then hastened back to the drawing room just ahead of his wife. Mrs. Bennet was in an irrepressible mood, and when he told her that he had organised for the book to be wrapped, she gave him a big kiss, telling him what a wonderful husband and father he was. Mr. Bennet bore her effusion with an equanimity bred of many years' practice.

She even consulted him on the wording of the card to go with the book. They finally settled on, " To dearest Mary from your loving parents who have constantly used this book, from cover to cover, and regard the success of their marriage to be a result of following its advice, however unusual it may appear."

Well dear readers, you will be happy to hear that Mary and Ben's wedding went according to plan. One can only speculate on the impression that Mrs. Bennet's present left on the newly weds, but it is to be noted that they had five children in quick succession, then no more. (Hardly surprising, considering the contents of the "Ars Amandi" from chapter six onward, and Mary's habit of dogged persistence in reading her books from front to back, not proceeding until she mastered everything).

Author's note: I hope my mother as a former librarian never surfs the net to see me writing about burning of books. I am also indebted to for Kathlyn for the idea for this (except the book burning).