Posted on Friday, 21-Aug-98

Author's Note: Some of the slang I got fromhere

enny sighed as he contemplated the removal of his regiment to Brighton. He would surely miss all the girls of Meryton who had made his stay there very pleasant, especially the youngest Miss Bennets. Who would guarantee that they were going to meet such pleasant society also in Brighton? He did not doubt that there would be other attractions, but he would still miss Meryton and its pretty girls.

Colonel Forster, who prided himself that he could guess what went on in his men's minds, having only relatively recently gone through the courtship of Mrs. Forster, tried to cheer him up. "Come now, Denny, do not look so glum. I will wager there are far more young ladies here in Brighton, and you will find yourself equally well entertained here."

"Yes, sir," said Denny, who was not so convinced. Lately, all of his fellow officers seemed to have gotten engaged or married, and most of them to some very young girls. Wickham and Carter's wives were not even sixteen! His fellow officers would be too busy paying attention to their wives to go about the town with him. Meryton was much smaller, and they had been a sort of local celebrities, but here in Brighton...he would have to compete with enormous amounts of other men in regimentals for the attention of the fairer sex, and if he was quite alone, he was not sure if he would attract a lot of attention.

One day was sitting all alone in the Officer's Mess, when he was joined by a Colonel. "Good day, Colonel," Denny greeted respectfully.

The Colonel greeted him back and give him a worried look. "I hope the food is all right, Captain, you do not look as if you are enjoying it. Would you advise me to eat it or leave it?"

"It is not the food, sir."

The Colonel, whose name was Fitzwilliam, looked relieved, and took a bite. "The food is excellent--for a Mess." He looked at Denny again. "Is it the weather?" he asked sympathetically. "Young men like you would like nothing better than to go bathing when they are in Brighton, I am sure, but this dreadful English weather is not very accommodating."

"It is not the weather either, sir."

The Colonel raised his eyebrows. "What else can upset a man?"

"Women, sir."

"So right," he said feelingly. "They never know when to leave a man alone. I love women, but I am glad," he said between bites, "that they are not allowed in here."

Denny looked desperate. "But that is not what I meant, sir!"

"What do you mean then?" said Fitzwilliam in surprise.

"I--I--I do not know any women here!" Denny blurted out.

"Is that a problem, Captain?" Fitzwilliam asked.

"Yes! I would so much like to have fun, but they do not seem to see me."

"I do not understand," said Colonel Fitzwilliam. "When I walk out, I have to run to get away from them. Haha! Maybe that is exactly what you should do. Run away from them!" He was greatly amused. "They enjoy a good chase, Captain."

"What if I outrun them?" Denny said, contemplating the idea.

"Eventually, there will be one who catches up with you, whether it will be because you let her come closer to better see her lovely face, or because women in general have more stamina, I leave that up to you. In either case, you will be very well suited."

"How do you know all this, Colonel?" Denny was impressed.

"I research all possible kinds of relationships--with women, mind you--my men could be involved in, in order to provide them with adequate advice."

"But do you never want to get caught?"

Fitzwilliam smiled. "My tastes run to slightly older women and they do not run quite so fast anymore."

"Ahh," said Denny, totally clueless.

Denny decided to give the Colonel's methods a try, after all, the man was a Colonel and therefore his superior. He walked out of the barracks one day, in the direction of the town. He looked in vain for females, and wondered where they all were. Suddenly he spotted such a pretty little thing that he was rooted to the spot. He forgot to run away and stood there staring.

Mary Crawford was quite used to being stared at and she gave the staring officer no more than a fleeting glance, noticing that he was rather handsome and well-built, but there were so many like him. With her looks and her fortune she had more than enough admirers. She continued her examination of a shop window, but after a few moments she noticed that Denny was still staring at her, so she looked at him.

Denny saw her look and remembered the Colonel's advice. Run away from them! He turned and ran.

Mary frowned, this piqued her vanity. He sees me and runs! Am I such a scarecrow? Why did he not stay and chat me up like everyone else? She began to be enormously interested in this officer, and quickly glanced around her, but she was all alone in the street. She ran after him.

And so the chase began.

Mary was dying to get close to this mysterious officer, and even though he outran her, she knew he had to be headed for the camp. With a sharp pain in her side she arrived at the guards guarding the encampment. "I have...come...to see...an off...icer," she announced.

One of the guards leered at her. "Which one are you dangling after, eh, you bit of muslin? I'm fairly flush in the pockets so come to me when you're done!" The other one laughed.

"You gin-swilling, cross-eyed numskulls! Not a chance!" Mary said haughtily. "Let me in, or I shall let your commanding officer know."

There was always a chance that she might be coming to visit their commanding officer, so grudgingly they let her in.

She walked around the camp slowly, but she did not see him. Suddenly she did, and she chased after him. "Officer!" she cried. He looked at her, but ran away. "Stop!"

Denny ran into the Mess six hours later because he was getting hungry and tired. He leant against the wall to catch his breath. Fitzwilliam spotted him when he was leaving and walked over. "Taking my advise, I see. She must be really ugly, Captain. You look exhausted."

"She looks like an angel," Denny said. "But I thought you said I should keep running?" Denny looked confused. "I am hungry." He walked into the Mess, already empty at this time of the night. He had a quick meal and walked towards his lodgings.

Mary, who had charmed her way into the kitchen to get something to eat, almost missed his departure. Just in time she saw him enter a building and managed to sneak in before the door fell shut. "Officer!" she cried again, for the umpteenth time.

Several doors were opened. "Yes?" several sleepy voices rang out.

"Not you!" she cried in vexation. "Him! I want him! That one! Marry me!"

"Denny, you beef-witted Jack Pudding," one of his fellow officers shouted, "get that screaming woman out of here. I need my sleep."

"Denny!" Mary exclaimed. "Your name is Denny! How cute! Denny! My name is Mary and I love you! Marry me, you cannot escape me now!"

Denny turned. "Mary, I like that name very well! You absurd and adorable witch!"

They ran towards each other in slow motion--for they had been running all day and they deserved to take it slowly now--and embraced.