Posted on June 15, 1998
Author's Note: I would like to thank both CK and Lou for allowing me to borrow their characters themselves. Lou, thanks especially for giving me a bit of inspiration, and hope you don't mind I used a few of your notes for other purposes. Hope you two enjoy this frolic as much as I do!
Mr. Moore was mighty pleased with life in general as he walked into the Darcy townhouse. His wife Kitty was by his side, his brother Darcy was reconciled to him, and his twin brother Adam was far away once again. He had purged his body of the liquor he had drunken about two weeks ago—he was a man on top of the world after having it turn upside down on him. Life was good.
When he arrived at the Darcy townhouse, he discovered that his brother was planning on throwing a dinner on his behalf, which made him quite pleased.
"Aaron, I am sorry about that misunderstanding when you came into town a few weeks ago . . ."
Aaron grinned. He rather admired Darcy, although often his bourgeois opinions really got to him. Darcy tried to be a good and liberal person; he was well respected and was a fair and just master—he was quite progressive, but not quite as progressive as Aaron himself was.
Aaron smiled. He prided himself on his progressive nature and ideas for the future. He knew that sometimes he might be too forceful with his opinions, but he did not let the disapproval of others get to him. He felt a slight pressure on his hand, and he looked over at Kitty.
"My dear, may we please go inside?" she asked sweetly, and he laughed.
"I am sorry, my dear; I became distracted . . ." And so, they entered the house. Mr. Darcy was waiting for them.
"Hello, Aaron," Darcy said, shaking hands with him. Aaron beamed his most irrepressible grin.
"Well, Darcy, I shall never fail to be amazed at the affluence shown in your home, here. Overly grand, in my humble opinion."
Darcy sighed to himself. Oh, how he could not believe this! His cousin David and his brother Aaron were going to be together in one room; how would he be able to stand it?
"I know your opinions, Aaron. I just wanted to let you know that my cousin David will also be in attendance tonight; he recently arrived from Kent."
"Is he the Viscount?" Aaron asked.
"Yes . . . he is very . . . outspoken . . ."
Aaron smiled. "Then I shall be happy to compare my views this his."
Darcy groaned to himself as Mr. Moore walked away. "That was just what I was afraid of," he whispered to Elizabeth who stood at his side greeting Kitty. As her sister walked away to join her own husband, Elizabeth turned to her own suffering hubby. "You must bear it, my dear. Perhaps they will amuse each other and you can talk with the Colonel in peace."
"I won't count on it . . ."
All too soon, the Viscountess and Viscount Wallingford arrived, much to the chagrin of Darcy.
"Why couldn't one of them have stayed away?" he whined to Elizabeth as he saw the carriage with the Fitzwilliam family crest pull up.
"Fitzwilliam! You must be more tolerant of others, my dear. They are your family and we must tolerate them, even if we don't approve of them."
"I know . . . but couldn't we just hide?" he said pitifully.
Elizabeth could only laugh at the look on his face. "No, sir, we may not! A fine state you are in: Fitzwilliam Darcy, one of the most powerful men in England, cowering because his two most boisterous family members are about to combine forces against him!" Darcy was forced to see Lizzie's view, and he managed to let out a few chuckles to combine with Lizzie's own, and much heartier, laughter.
David smiled as he entered. "Glad to see you both in such spirits!" He let go of Georgiana's arm and bowed. "How are you doing, Darcy? Still lurking and sulking in corners?" He laughed, and Darcy tensed slightly.
David continued talking. "Oh, well. I did hear however that Mrs. Darcy's brother and sister were coming up, so I decided that I had to come and meet them."
Elizabeth smiled. "And you will . . . I was planning on introducing you two together as soon as possible."
David smiled. "Excellent! Excellent!"
Darcy, seeing an escape, quickly piped up. "I will go find him for you, my love!" A quick kiss on Lizzie's cheek and Darcy quickly bounded off to hide. He knew of the perfect place to hide in . . .
He opened the door to his wine cellar, which was a bit cold and damp but still comfy, and walked in. He securely fastened the door, and suddenly heard a voice behind him.
"Ahh, I did not know the door locked! Otherwise, I might have utilized that feature before . . ."
Darcy jumped, and screamed. "Ahh! Who's there?" he demanded, taking his candle and holding it up. "Come into the light, or I shall be forced to send for the police!"
The voice seemed to laugh. "Would they be able to protect me from hoards of women? If so, I shall go willingly!"
Darcy frowned. "Richard? Is that you?"
Dramatically, out of the shadows came none other than that most hunted of men, Colonel Fitzwilliam, the Stud Muffin. "Of course it's me, Darcy. Who else did you expect to find in your basement?"
Darcy shrugged. "I don't know . . . rats . . . spiders . . . old butlers building birdhouses, I suppose. Or maybe the odd evil FanFic writer."
The Colonel laughed. "Sorry I don't live up to your expectations, but I am sure I could scare up a few women that fit that description . . ." He sighed, and sat back down again. "Well, in any case, Darcy, I hope you don't mind if I hide out down here for a little while longer. It is quite nice and cool in here, and the selection you have in here is terrific! Really, your wine collection . . . amazing!" He grinned, and raised a bottle filled with a particular rare vintage in toast.
Darcy sighed. "Please, Richard, I have some particularly fine Madeira in the back which I am sure you would prefer . . . please, don't drink any more of my dessert wines!"
The Colonel grinned. "Yes, sir!" Then, he became serious. "Please, just don't turn me over to the women! Anything but that!"
"And you don't turn me over to David and Aaron!"
The Colonel frowned. "David and Aaron? They are both here, together?" He grinned. "That is something to be feared! Oh well, Darcy, I am sure you can manage," he said, giving Darcy a friendly slap on the back. Then he looked pointedly at the door. "As much as I am sure you would love to stick around here, perhaps you had best be going back upstairs, my cousin. What will Elizabeth say if you hide out all evening?—she certainly won't be pleased."
Darcy sighed and nodded. "All right, all right! I'm going!" He started up the stairs, and looked back at the Colonel. "How long do you want to stay here? You are always welcome, you know."
Colonel shook his head. "Can't stay in one place for too long. Those women would find me quick if I did that . . . no sir; I plan to be moving on later tonight. Thanks for the wine!"
The two cousins shook hands, and Darcy went back upstairs. He heard the door lock behind him, and before he could regret his decision, he met Aaron Moore as the latter came walking out of the library.
"Ah, there you are, Darcy! What you were doing in the kitchen . . . learning more about the condition of the work surroundings and perhaps getting ideas of improving to the benefit of your servants, I hope!" Moore laughed as if that was the funniest joke ever written. "We had best be in to dinner, eh?"
"Oh, yes, Aaron; David is here, and I was hoping to introduce him to you now . . . would that be all right with you?"
"Would it?" Aaron asked incredulously. "I shall be glad to meet him now!" He shuddered with delight and anticipation. Darcy rolled his eyes, but Aaron was oblivious to all but his own delight.
So, quickly were Aaron and David introduced, for the dining room was not too far from the library. They bowed to each other, and took a moment to eye each other. They said little to each other at first, because David wasn't really that curious about the young man and Aaron was allowing himself to be a bit intimidated by David's cool manner. They sat down, and when they began to eat the meal, that was when the difficulties arose.
David watched as the young man quietly put some meat on his wife's plate, but did not take any for himself. "Are you going to have any meat, sir?'
Moore shook his head. "I do not believe in the useless slaughter of animals, sir, or hunting defenseless animals for personal gratification. Red meat and wine bring on the gout, in any case, and I think it a sorry state of affairs when grown men feel the need to stalk among the wilds, as a dog would do."
David was slightly incensed at this. "Act like a dog? Not drink wine? Obviously, sir, you are far too fastidious for your own good. Soon, the impetuosity of youth will cool down, and you will find yourself much different, I wager."
Aaron ruffled a bit at such words. "I hope, sir, that I shall always live up to my principals and never end up as a soggy old bourgeois."
David fancied himself a tolerant man, but he realized that Aaron Moore would be beyond his reach. "Soggy old bourgeois? Soggy old bourgeois? Soggy old bourgeois???" He had stood up at this point, and Georgiana quickly placed her hand on his arm.
"Please, sit down, dear—calm yourself."
David was incredibly upset. "No, my dear, I cannot calm down when a silly, ignorant youth calls me a soggy old bourgeois! I cannot be calm when some . . . impertinent youngster calls me a soggy old bourgeois!"
"I do not see why you should be upset, sir . . . I only call you by your rightful name, for you are a soggy old bourgeois!"
Kitty took the initiative. She knew that things were getting out of hand, and like Georgiana, she tried to make her husband calm down. "Aaron, please . . ."
Aaron looked down at her pleading face, and sighed. "I am sorry, Kitty, but I cannot tolerate such an aristocratic, close-minded, oppressive, overbearing twit who can only spend money and live off the hard work of other people."
David quickly threw off his wife's restraining hand and quickly ran around the table trying to get at Moore. Darcy quickly jumped to restrain his cousin, and Moore stood casually in place, staring David straight in the eyes.
"See what I mean, Kitty? All this man can do is to try and fight when he is contradicted. The upper-class may regard itself as educated and refined, but he's no different from the typical man on the streets."
David finally reached him, and tackled him. "I'll show you, you pompous squirt!" Suddenly, David felt Darcy pull him off Moore, and Darcy began screaming.
"Stop it, you two! I've had enough of you both! You are the most irritating men I have ever known in my life! You are both so irritating, I can't decide who is more so!"
Suddenly, out of nowhere appeared two women. They were both dressed in pants made of some fabric that the group could not identify. Both also wore odd sorts of short-sleeved loose shirts, one blue and one green.
"Hello, Mr. Darcy!" the woman standing to the left cried out. She stepped forward, and held out her hand to the man. He took her hand and shook it. "My name is Lou. I am quite a friend of your brother Moore." She waved to the bewildered young man. "Hello, Aaron!" she said with a smile.
Lou continued. "Allow me also to introduce to the company my friend CK; I believe that you and her have met before, Mr. Darcy—she is a good friend of the Viscount's."
"I've never seen her before in my life . . ." David said, who was equally bewildered.
CK ruffled a bit. "Here I take the time out of my busy schedule of hunting the Colonel and writing stories to visit my creation, and all he can do is stare at me! I am shocked by your lack of hospitality as well, Mr. Darcy," she said, turning from Fitzwilliam to her host. "Here Lou and I take the trouble to visit you, and we don't get a glass of wine or anything! Fine reward we get for writing about you!"
Mechanically, Darcy poured glasses of wine for both women.
"Mmm mmm mmm!" said CK. "Excellent vintage; Elizabeth, can you identify it for us?" Then she burst out laughing. "Of course you can—I made you a bit of an oenophile myself!" Both women laughed, and Elizabeth confusedly stared.
"Yes, it is . . ."
CK put her hands up. "Wait, let me guess!—it's part of the 1784 vintage, and is a Riesling. The sweetness matched with the acidity leads me to believe that it is German. It is an incredibly rich, yet youthful wine . . ."
"Indeed," replied Elizabeth. "How did you know?"
"I know everything!" CK ominously said, with a wink to Lou.
"Well, Mr. Darcy, I believe that you said right before we came that you couldn't decide who was the more irritating, Mr. Moore or Lord Wallingford."
"Yes . . ." Darcy said, remembering.
Lou looked at CK. "Really, CK, both are rather irritating, aren't they?"
"David is more so," bragged CK.
"No no no! I believe you overestimate your Wallingford, my dear. Aaron is obviously more tiresome than David; everyone says so."
"Well, then everyone is just as wrong as usual. David has irritated Darcy for years, and he's not to be outdone now!"
"Well, David and Darcy have never been called dogs before Aaron did! Aaron has even caused David to violence by being his usual annoying self."
"Hey!" Aaron piped up. "I am not as bad as Soggy-man over here!"
Lou went over to Moore and patted him on the head. "I think you underestimate yourself, my precious."
"I am merely plain spoken, ma'am, I am not such a . . . verbose squirt as him over there!" David called out to CK.
CK went over to David and whispered in his ear, "Trust me, that amateur over there has nothing to your skill of saying the most disagreeable things at the precise right time."
CK and Lou stood up wordlessly, and walked over to Darcy, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Well, Mr. Darcy," began Lou, "we have a proposition for you, in any case. How would you like it if we determined who was the more irritating of those two?"
"I should be amused to discover how you intended to do so," Darcy said with a smile.
Both smiled, and called out the same words at the same time. "A DEATHMATCH!" they screamed.
And before the whole group knew it, they found themselves in the middle of an arena, with David and Aaron in the ring in opposite corners. The crowd was screaming and shouting and having a good time of it. Elizabeth was trying to calm alternatively a nervous Kitty and an anxious Georgiana while purchasing some refreshments.
"We would like 4 dishes of tea . . . and something to eat." she called out to the young man who was attired in the same sort of pants as Lou and CK, but wore a tight red shirt.
"We've got no tea, mum, but here's something you might like as well . . ." he said, passing 4 hot dogs and 4 cans of Heineken along to the Darcys. He gave a wink to Kitty. "If you need anything else, call me."
Luckily, Aaron was too busy talking with Lou to notice the young man trying to put the moves on his wife. "I don't like this . . . fighting is such a barbarian thing, ma'am," Aaron said to Lou as she was massaging his shoulders.
"Shh . . . you have to do this, my lad! You must defend your honor!" Lou whispered back.
CK was also trying to ready her reluctant charge for the fight. "Remember, David, he called you a soggy old bourgeois. You don't have to take that!"
In the middle of the ring appeared a young girl with blond hair tied back in a ponytail, all dressed in black. CK looked stunned.
"Rachel! What are you doing here? Aren't you chasing the Colonel?"
Rachel looked indignant. "It's my story, CK, and I can get in it if I want to! Besides," she said with a laugh, "the Colonel has passed out in Darcy's wine cellar, and I think it wouldn't be fair to capture him now." CK nodded in agreement, and Rachel continued talking.
"LET'S GET READY TO RUM-BLE!" she called out in her deepest, announcer-like voice. Then she laughed, and whispered to Lou, "I've always wanted to do that!" However, Rachel quickly sobered herself and gestured over to David.
"In this corner, we have David, the Viscount Wallingford! He has been in both Fortune Reversed and Past Prejudices Proven, and for years has annoyed and angered Darcy." The crowd cheered.
"And in this corner we have Aaron Moore, a young law clerk who Lou has written into For Better or For Worse and A World Turned Upside Down. He is a newcomer to the Darcy circle, but his radical left-wing opinions are more than Darcy can handle!" The crowd cheered Aaron as well.
Darcy started to cry out, "Go . . .!" but he could not think of whom to say . . . after all, this match was taking place because Darcy couldn't decide who was more annoying. "Just . . . go! Go!" he called out.
Rachel then called the boys to the middle of the ring, and laid down the law. "David, Aaron, I just want to let you know that there is to be no killing anyone, and no dirty fighting. You both are honorable men and I just want to settle this question right here and now! Now let's get it on!" she cried, and the fight began.
Neither of the gentlemen knew what to do. Now that David had calmed down, he wasn't sure he wanted to hurt Mr. Moore. The lad was young and unschooled in the ways of the world, David thought to himself. He is just out of the schoolroom and still optimistic and enthusiastic. He does have good ideals, but he's just a little too opinionated.
Moore was also pursuing such thoughts. Like he told Lou, he absolutely hated fighting, especially fighting people who were near-strangers. Can I really judge the Viscount accurately?—I barely know the man!
However, both CK and Lou were enthusiastic about this fight. Both dearly loved their creations and neither was about to have their darling lose out on the distinction of being the most annoying (non-Jane Austen) character at the Republic of Pemberley; both were ready to defend their sweeties to the death.
"Kill that little pipsqueak, David!" called out CK.
Not to be outdone, Lou cried encouragingly to Aaron, "You are five thousand times better than that tactless windbag!"
CK ruffled slightly and called back to Lou, "Well, at least my characters aren't accused of leaving women at the altar!"
"At least Aaron isn't a rake, meeting strange women!" Lou taunted back.
"Like David is?" CK yelled back.
"Well, you'll turn him into one if he isn't already!" Lou said, giving CK a raspberry.
"Talentless hack!" CK screamed at Lou.
Rachel realized that the dialogue on the sidelines was getting a bit feisty, and she turned to the women. "Hey, let's stop this right now!"
Lou smiled evilly at Rachel. "I will be good, Rachel—that last comment from that mediocre novelist doesn't even deserve a reply."
CK quickly yelled out, "Why, I ought to . . ."
"Do what?" Lou called out. "Write me into your stories?—a fate worse than Death!"
CK, who was as hot-tempered as David, retorted by tackling Lou. Lou taunted her by saying, "What creativity! You can only do the same thing as your character! You ought to be ashamed!"
CK screamed, and the two began pummeling each other. The arena was yelling in delight and Wickham was taking bets. However, the dignified Moore and Fitzwilliam quickly jumped in to try and stop the story.
"Lou, this is hardly lady-like! A woman should be more peaceful!" Aaron tried to admonish her with, but Lou merely called out, "Oh, can it!"
David decided to try to make things better as well. "Stop this, CK! I won't have it!"
CK shouted back. "You can it too!"
Now the men used their force, and physically separated the women. For their pains, Aaron received a black eye and David was rewarded with a bloody nose. Rachel quickly piped up.
"I won't have this!—why can't we all just get along! Girls, let's face it, both of your characters are equally irritating, but equally lovable despite it! Now you two can it!"
The stadium burst out into song—the well-chosen selection of We Are The World filled the stadium, and the women shook hands amiably.
"You really are a good writer, Lou," CK said nicely.
"And you're pretty good yourself," Lou said modestly.
"It's sort of funny when you make Darcy squirm," Aaron said nicely.
"And it's rather amusing to watch Darcy as he grumbles after you leave the room," David replied.
They all hugged, and it was decided that both were equal. The group went back to Darcy's to finish dinner and Aaron and David became great friends despite their differences in opinion. Together they were always able to give Darcy a migraine, which did eventually lead to Darcy investing in several progressive companies who worked on making calcium tablets for upset stomachs and some sort of interesting medication that tried to ease his headaches.
Finis