The Most Eligible Bachelor Of Pemberley, A Story Of A Man Pursued

As Told by Himself to an eminent psychiatrist Dr. Fr--d.

It's rather hard to be the most eligible bachelor in Pemberley. You might think, doctor, it's all fun and games, and a great salary to boot, but that's where you are out. Mind, I don't blame you. That's what I first thought when I found out my new duties. I took it as an officer and a gentleman would, in stride. I don't like showing off, but a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Miss Austen was very ladylike about it. You see, I was rather worried that being the nice unmarried male at the end, she might later pair me off with that insufferable Caroline Bingley. It took her two solid hours to persuade me. And after all, thought I, the worst thing that can happen to you, Fitzwilliam old chap, is that you will have pretty girls flirting with you and matchmaking mamas trying to start a conversation.

All was fine for about 200 years. I was relaxing, enjoying myself, but then a new group of ladies took over the management. "Too many cooks spoil the broth" you know the saying. Well, not only my broth spoiled, spilt and generally messed up, my goose was cooked and the fat was in the fire! These ladies definitely had it in for me. I was brought up not to cast aspersions on women, but there's more than flesh and blood can bear. Out of their large womanly hearts they decided they couldn't bear me lonely (of course they didn't know about the opera dancer I kept on the side in those happy free days), so they set to matchmaking. Oh Lord! I wish Jane had written in Waterloo. Then maybe one of the kindly ladies would have me killed and end never-ending matrimonial nightmare. I am a relatively sane healthy man, but I can stand only this much. I wake up in the nigh, not knowing whether the woman currently my wife is Anne de Bourgh, Kitty Bennet or maybe that horrible Charlotte Lucas (a parson's wife of all things!). And I have to be sweet and nice to whoever it is all the time not knowing if she'll disappear and the next minute another one would pop in. These ladies beat my aunt, Lady Catherine in matchmaking. Indeed, that formidable lady is now too busy dispensing advyse in some column or other to do much matchmaking (not that the Ladies have left her any, to be sure). Seriously, it's enough to drive a man to brandy, as I've heard my cousin Darcy's doing. The lucky fellow! And when more then one of them posts at the same time, I've got two dames on my hands at the same time, both insanely jealous, and I have to assure each of my undying affection till I am hoarse. Even Wickham won't enjoy this sort of thing for long. Honest, sometimes I wish they had less imagination: the only one I haven't been paired with is Mr. Collins (hope I am not giving anybody ideas).

But, seriously, doctor, the choices they come up with. Why don't they give me ONE healthy young pretty and wealthy woman instead of settling a bevy of unsatisfactory females on me. Anne de Bourgh! Oh my God! She is rich to be sure, at least that's good. But no personality! And Georgiana's 30000 pounds are simply not enough for a man in my station, besides her being too young. But these are the best: What do you say about Mr. Darcy's wife, Camille something-or-other. A married woman!!! And what can I say for Charlotte Lucas: they are turning me into a wholesale seducer and acting against my principles is a thing I don't like....

{The transcript breaks at this point and there is an addition in the doctor's hand: "The patient was talking out in a state of extreme agitation, due to an approach of a female, later identified as Mary Bennet, who, he insisted was chasing after him. He had been confined in a ward 17, and has indicated a desire to join a monastery. Case concluded}

Further Notes From Dr. Fr--d

Second Session, As Narrated By Colonel Fitzwilliam To Dr. Fr--d

Doctor, I first noticed something wrong about a year ago. I was standing on a verandah, enjoying the fresh air of Pemberley, free and untrammeled. Life was great! Suddenly I saw a woman running up to me. "It's Anne de Bourgh" thought I, shocked. "But what happened. She's never even walked properly before!" Before I could say anything, she collided with me, and grabbing me with both scrawny arms whispered seductively:

"Fitz!!!"

And then she was actually kissing me! On the mouth! Boy, she could cling: I couldn't shake her off. We could have used her in Spain as a morale booster: she definitely held her position despite my feeble efforts to free myself. Just when I thought I was about to suffocate, she released her iron hold. I swear I had bruises on my neck!

"What would Lady Cathy say?" demanded I.

"Oh, don't be so gothic, Fitzy, mama's to busy giving the cut direct to that awful Lord Byron and advysing Duchess Sromeferry" replied she. "Oh Fitzy".

She threw herself again in my arms. I managed to ward her off, but unfortunately I stumbled and fell in the grass, with Anne right on top of me! She seemed to take root there. I really couldn't shake off the lady, but I give you my word I tried. Finally I demanded if she had gone mad.

"No Fitzy" she squealed. "It's the new administration. They wrote a new storyline for me and you are it. I do have to earn my living"

The new administration? I knew some ladies took over when Jane left, but so far the increase in my work had been slight (though I did get tired of being dragged to Rosings with Darcy so often).

"Yes" she positively purred. "You are the new STUD MUFFIN of Pemberley. And I must say, Fitzy, I am glad. I always did like you, but my part didn't include any involvement. I wonder with what Lizzy bribed that old Jane to give her the nice part. I think Darcy lobbied for her. Oh well, I've got you now. Fitzy!!!!"

She prepared to assault me once more. And that hideous nickname! "Fitzy" of all things. "They could give me a first name while they are at it" I grumbled.

"Oh, they have" replied she breezily "More than one: around half-a-dozen"

She fastened herself on my mouth again. I tell you, leeches had nothing on that girl! All of a sudden she broke off and screeched:

"FIIIIIIIITZY!"

Since she was in the process of nibbling my ear, I was half deafened and was wondering if I could fake smallpox, when I saw her rising belligerently. Georgiana was running toward us. "Saved" thought I. "Georgie, dear" began I. "Could you take Anne inside. She seems to have had too much of the sun and..." I never finished, for Georgiana Darcy, this most refined of young ladies, literally jumped at me and hung on my neck like a millstone, trying to get to my mouth! "This is a nightmare" thought I.

"NOOOOO!" screeched Anne. "He's mine. It's my story! I saw him first, finders keepers!"

"No" retorted Georgiana," another lady gave Fitzy to me!"

"We'll see" stormed Anne and went to seek the administration.

Georgiana was about to cling to me again, when I saw another woman. She seemed somewhat bewildering, for her costume was a century out of fashion. However, she didn't seem to run mad at the sight of me and that was a relief. She nodded to me. "I am Jenny. Jenny Jones Are you Tom? inquired she.

"No, ma'am, I am Colonel Fitzwilliam"

"Ooops, wrong novel" resounded she "I wandered from VirtViews. I saw all the females and naturally..." She started to move away and I saw my last hope of rescue drifting off.

"At last, Fitzypie" said Georgiana and was moving toward me when a screech interrupted her.

"Offf! He's mine."

And I saw that horrible Parson's wife Charlotte Lucas rushing towards us. Stopping in front of Georgie, she kicked her sharply.

"I have a new story with him! At last I can enjoy something else than Mr. Collins."

But Georgiana was not about to take that treatment and she kicked back. Soon there was a genuine female fistfight going in the garden. Mendoza the boxing champion had nothing on those two. I started to move away quietly and saw two more females rushing towards me. They collided but continued going.

"Mine" screeched Kitty Bennet.

"Not so" screeched Camille Darcy.

It is the last thing I remember. Quite simply, I fainted.

{Doctor Fr--d's postcript. The stay in a non-woman ward had done the patient some good. He seems to shake less, but is still desperately afraid of female nurses}

Session 3

Well, doctor, when I came to myself, I was lying alone. There were no females nearby, but to my horror I noticed that someone had tried to undo my shirt! I sat up and then gingerly getting up, looked around. Then I walked into the house, locked my door and barricaded myself in. Feeling more secure, I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was tickling me! I looked over and it was that twit Camille Darcy! "Darling" she whispered. "I am here. Isn't it delightful?" I looked at the door and saw that my barricade was in vain: there was a hole in the wall. "I borrowed some TNT from the drugstore. You didn't think, Fitzie, that I'd leave you alone?"

My mind raced. I was alone in bed with my cousin's wife! I was petrified, but decided to make the best of it and try to make her see reason. "Ma'am, I do not know you, and you are a married woman, and my scruples...aaaaaa! What are you doing?" She was tying me to the bed and gagging me as well. "Who knows when I get another opportunity to enjoy myself, and the only thing you do, is talk" she pouted. "Darcy won't care. He's too busy tippling and cutting Lizzy Bennet's hair. I've heard it grew prodigiously. There" (as she began inserting the gag). "But you are married" I out in hurriedly, before it went in place. "What is going on here?????!!!"

"Why, Fitzipie, don't you know?" she grinned "you are seducing me."

Doctor, I have been on the battlefield and faced death without murmur. I have seen men hacked to pieces before my eyes and mourned my best friends. I could take all that in stride, but THAT was too much. I regret to say, that for the first time in my life I behaved ungentlemanly toward a lady (?!?). Well, the long and the short of it is, I tried to escape. but when I stealthily opened the door, the revived Camille sprang after me with a snarl. "No, Colonel Stud Muffin! You'll stay here!!!".

I thought all was lost, but then I saw Lizzy and Jane Bennet running towards us. They trussed Camille up businesslike and turned to me. "Now, Fitzie" purred they in unison...

{Doctor Fr--d's note: The patient had become agitated at the mamory and had to be taken out. It's my opinion that all this stems from the problems with his mother}