Posted on Thursday, 25 June 1998

Fitzwilliam Darcy vs. Katt and Meesh:
To Fwood Or Not To Fwood?

As Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy excited Business, he reflected upon his very good fortune to have been given the hand of Miss Elizabeth Bennet. The new Mrs. Darcy, Miss Bennet as was, had made him the happiest man on Earth, even if he did say so himself.

His footman opened the door to his carriage, but as he stepped inside, he heard a voice call out, "You call that a carriage?? Why don't you try a giant proton?!?"

He froze for a moment, and then slowly turned to face two girls of about seventeen.

"You!" he exclaimed in repressed anger.

"Yes, it's us," Meesh Wyle, Countess of Carter calmly replied.

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" Mr. Darcy asked in despair.

"Well," Princess Kattherine began to explain. "At first, it was fun to write mushily romantic tales about courtship. I had planned to head towards marriage and have you eat a few French fries, but then Meesh decided to pack you off to Hunsford and made you mistake your Aunt Catherine for a coat rack. Then she switched your gender, I tortured you by bringing back a widowed Lydia, and then we put Business under attack," she finished without resolving much.

Mr. Darcy simply stared at her.

Meesh nudged her in the stomach, and Katt started again, "Basically, it was more fun to torture you."

"Ah," Mr. Darcy nodded, understanding at long last.

"Just wait until you see what I have planned for you..." Meesh replied, rather menacingly.

"Oh, me too!" Katt added enthusiastically. "I think I'm going to start a new story. In it, your children will die of influenza, Elizabeth will run off with George Wickham, and you'll be forced to move into Longbourn with Mary, Kitty, Lydia and Mrs. Bennet!"

Mr. Darcy was about to register a strong complaint when Meesh's next comment mollified him somewhat. "Oh, poor Mr. Darcy," she muttered sympathetically. He nodded wisely.

"Yes," Katt added. "Poor Fwood."

"Indeed, poor Fw—what did you call me?" Mr. Darcy did a double take.

"Fwood?" Katt asked, confused.

"What?!"

"Fwood."

"What?!?"

"Fwood!"

"WHAT?"

"FWOOD!!" Katt yelled, thinking Mr. Darcy had lost his hearing.

"That's it!" he exclaimed in absolute outrage. "I have had it up here!" He gestured two feet about his head. "You two have stuck me with my daft sister-in-law, sent me to spend a week with Mr. Collins, turned me into a woman, and attacked my only haven from sinister females such as yourself! And you expect me to put up with that ridiculous nickname? I cannot stand this any longer..." He struggled to find an insult that could convey all of his many grievances. What he came up with surprised everybody, "I challenge you to a DEATHMATCH!!"

Katt looked taken aback, but Meesh calmly replied, "But Fwood dear, you're a fictional character. And we're real."

"Not in your Countess and Princess modes you aren't," he replied. "And 'Katt' and 'Meesh' aren't even your real names!"

And with those words, the three were transported to a ring somewhere in the middle of somewhere.

"Let's get ready to RUMMBBBLLLEEE!!" Marie shouted into the microphone. Dressed in a tuxedo, she looked about, confused. She had been minding her own business at home, watching "Contact" for the fifteenth time that week, and eating French fries when she suddenly found herself in this strange arena surrounded by Austen characters.

Her friend Katherine, dressed like a referee, was just as confused. Marie turned to Katherine for guidance, but Katherine lifted her hands in despair, shrugged, and fell down. "Why does that always have to happen?" she asked no one imparticular.

"I guess I'll announce the contestants," Marie said as she looked at her sheet of instructions. It read, "Step One: Say 'Let's get ready to rumble' really loud into the mic. Step Two: Announce the contestants."

"In the right corner, we have the one, the only, the champion of the weenies! We have the Ferocious Fwood!"

All the Austen characters cheered for their hero, knowing that a victory for Fwood would mean a victory for abused characters everywhere.

Fwood himself entered the ring scowling, "My name is Fitzwilliam Darcy!" he shouted.

"In the left corner," Marie continued, "We have Killer Katt and Menacing Meesh!" Katherine began to cheer ecstatically before she realized that she was supposed to be neutral. So, the fanfic side of the arena took over her enthusiastic cheer.

Katt and Meesh entered arguing. "This is all my fault!" Meesh fretted. "If I hadn't come up with 'Fwood,' we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"Waaaiiiittt a minute! I came up with 'Fwood'! Remember? We were on the bus? but you're right about one thing—this is all your fault."

"No, 'Fwood' was my idea! You just wanted to try the Jeopardy! theme song in synchronized singing. I wanted to write—"

Meesh's sentence was cut off as Katt lunged towards her, pinning her to the ground.

Marie noticed the scuffle, and motioned towards Katherine to break it up. Katherine moved towards the fighting girls and said, "Save it for the Fwood!" Once she had managed to part them, she added, "Though for the record, I agree with Katt."

"Wrong!" Marie shouted from her corner. "I so agree with Meesh!"

Katherine returned to the Business at hand. "I want a clean fight," she looked sternly at all three contestants. No lightsabres, no Bibles, no large dogs, no marking your territory," with a pointed look at Meesh, "No fax machines, no staple guns, no lasso ropes, no 'Monty Python' sketches, and no 'Star Wars' jokes. Are we agreed?"

"But Kaa-aatheriinnneee," Frank Churchill whined from the sideline. "I wanted to go the Toshi Station and pick up some power converters!"

"Eeek!" Marie and Meesh screamed in unison as Frank suddenly turned into a frog and hopped away with a little "Ribbit!"

Katherine ignored him. "Ready, steady?" she asked the contestants. "One, two, three!"

Nothing happened.

"Four, five, six?" Meesh quipped.

"Just start!" Katherine replied, and walked away in a huff.

Meesh slowly made her way around Darcy, truing to make it impossible for him to keep his eye on both girls at the same time.

He began to look like a deer caught in headlights before he suddenly remembered what he carried in his pocket.

"Ah ha!" he exclaimed as he produced it with a flourish. "She never said no pen nibs!"

"Fwood, you are so-ooo predictable," Meesh replied with a yawn. Katt took out a pen cap. She promptly covered the nib and threw it in the direction of Mr. Knightley.

Knightley picked it up and examined it curiously. "I guess I'd better save this for Vlad. He'll need it when he finishes Gingerale-a-holics Anonymous."

Meanwhile, things had heated up in the ring. No, I mean literally. Katherine and Marie had built a fire and were roasting weenies. No, cocktail weenies, although the author would like to say that she thinks it would be very funny if Misters Elton and Ferrars were being roasted on a spitfire. Perhaps very painful, but amusing all the same.

But let us return our attention once again to our three contestants. The action in the ring had come to an impasse. Mr. Darcy held Katt at bay with his left hand pressed against her forehead, while Meesh struggled against his right hand.

"Let me at 'em, Fwood!" Katt yelled furiously as she waved her fists frantically in the air.

"Now, you know it's really only the 'Fwood' thing I mind," he said reflectively. "If it wasn't for 'Fwood'..."

"I'd be willing to compromise on that," he added after a moment of silence.

A pause ensued before Katt piped up, "Let me go consult our legal counsel," she said and scurried off towards CK.

After whispering a moment with Cindy, she returned to her previous position and placed Mr. Darcy's hand back on her forehead.

"What are your demands?" she asked.

"I want my full name. Fitzwilliam Darcy and nothing less."

Katt turned to Meesh, who shook he head. "We'll give you Fwooder."

Mr. Darcy remained firm. "I'm willing to go to Fwilliam Darcy."

"No way!" Katt replied. "What about Fwilled?"

"Fwdrcy, and that is my final offer," Darcy replied solemnly.

"Fwoodry?" Katt asked hopefully.

Mr. Darcy paused a moment, "I'd really like two words. I enjoy having a first name and a last name."

"Fw Dry, then?" Meesh suggested.

Mr. Darcy nodded slowly, "Fw Dry it shall be, ladies. Shall I have my lawyer draw up the papers?"

Meesh nodded and Mr. Darcy drew back his hands. Consequently, both Katt and Meesh fell to the floor on their faces.

And so the answer to the all important question was revealed that day. To Fwood or not to Fwood?

My sources say, "Fw Dry."