(Author’s Note: Story is based on and contains lines quoted and adapted from the 2006 DreamWorks Animation movie Shrek (copyright held by DreamWorks Animation), and from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.)Posted on 2009-03-26
Once upon a time, there were two lovely princesses. But they had an enchantment upon them of a fearful sort. Which could only be broken by… Love's First Kiss.
They were locked in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire breathing orange dragon. Many brave knights have tried to free them from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. They waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower, for their true love, and true love's first kiss.
"Like that is ever going to happen! What a load of crap!" Shrek Darcy said, after he had closed the book from which he had just read.
Shrek Darcy was a handsome creature, as far as ogre's go. He was, as it becomes an ogre, feared by all of humanity. But he possessed the true ogre's air, had tolerable teeth (for an ogre), and improved his mind by extensive reading. And he possessed a very distinctive manner of walking, indeed.
Not far off a knight of the Lords Collins Farquaad's army sat behind a desk, with a large number of people carrying all sorts of fairytale creatures waiting in line to see him. An old man stood before him and showed him a wooden puppet. The puppet cried: "I am not a puppet, I am a real boy!" upon which his nose grew a considerable length. The man was given 5 shillings for the possessed toy, and the creature was taken away. Next in line was an older woman with a donkey on a leash. She claimed the donkey could talk, but upon confrontation with the knight the donkey refused to speak.
Unluckily for the donkey, when he thought he was out of hearing, and spoke, he was overheard by the knight and was grabbed to be taken away. The donkey however kicked and struggled, and when he found himself free, he run fast, heedless of where he was going. It was then that he bumped into something soft.
"Hey what is that? What just poked me in the butt?" Shrek Darcy cried.
He turned around to find Bingkey the donkey sitting in front of him, who in his best attempt to look like a sweet puppy, hoped to escape the Collins Farquaad's army that had come after him, with the help of this gigantic green man, an ogre. The army came upon them and reconsidered pursuing the donkey when they were greeted by the distinctive perfume of Shrek Darcy.
Having scared the army away, Shrek Darcy turned around to leave, happy to be left at peace again, only to find Bingkey the donkey following him. He tried to scare the creature away, but the ever optimistic Bingkey was not to be intimidated. "My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me" was one of his motto's in life.
He had followed Shrek Darcy for a long time, when the ogre finally cried.
"Listen little donkey, take a look. What am I?"
Bingkey looked up and down the creature in front of him and answered; "Ehm really tall?"
"No!!!" Shrek Darcy cried. "I am an ogre! Doesn't that bother you?"
The donkey shook his head and said in a cheerful tone: "Nope!" And after a pause; "Men, I like you! My name is Bingkey, what's yours?"
"Shrek Darcy, I like you. You've got this "I don't care what anybody thinks of me"- thing! I like it! I respect it!"
And that is how Shrek Darcy and Bingkey the donkey became fast friends, well, that is how Shrek Darcy put up with Bingkey, and Bingkey followed the ogre around. Shrek Darcy gave the donkey many an annoyed look, but if he was honest with himself he rather liked the company.
It was when he sat down for dinner at his table, the evening after having been poked in the butt by Bingkey, that he heard voices outside. He opened the door of his "Pemberley house" and saw that HIS Pemberley Swamp was filled with all kinds of fairytale creatures.
Why can't I be left in peace! He thought in exasperation. He took his imposing figure outside, put on his sternest expression and demanded that they left in harsh words. All to no avail. As icing on the cake of his performance he did his terrifying ogre bit, but none of the fairytale creatures were impressed.
Since demanding that they left had failed, he feared he would have to use reason rather than his intimidating stature, and asked what they were doing in HIS Pemberley swamp. The wooden puppet, who to tell you the truth, resembled Pinocchio a great deal, explained that they were forced there by the Lords Collins Farquaads.
Shrek Darcy had never heard of the Lords, let alone be introduced to them. He understood from the fairytale creatures that they were reckless men, and although probably harmless by themselves (they were not of an impressing stature to say the least (actually they were tiny men)) they had a large and ruthless army who were not to be contradicted. Shrek Darcy, not one to be scared away by a few men with cruel tendencies, decided that he would visit these Lords Collins Faraquaads, and demand that all the fairytale creatures were removed from Pemberley swamp. Bingkey, true friend that he was, showed him the way from the swamp to the city of Dunsford.
"Lords! We found it!" one of the Lords Collins Faraquaads men cried.
They hung it upon the wall of the Lords Collins not so humble abode.
"The Magic Mirror" Both Lords said in unison. Actually every single thing the Lords Collinses said or did was in unison, they were stuck together, and would be for the rest of their days, as conjoined twins.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?" the Lords cried.
"Well technically you are not kings" the mirror answered, but upon a nasty look from the Lords and the soldiers that surrounded them he added; "yet."
The Mirror explained they could become kings, if they would marry a princess. He showed them a few eligible bachelorettes, of which the Lords choose Princes Jane and Lizzy. They decided to hold a tournament, in which they would choose a brave knight who would go up to the castle, climb the tower, defeat the Orange Dragon and rescue the princesses. For it was of course unthinkable, that they would go and fetch the fair ladies by themselves. It was simply not done.
It was the day of the tournament that Shrek Darcy and his companion Bingkey arrived in Dunsford. Shrek Darcy made his way to the castle, demanding to speak with the Lords Collins. But as he opened the port to the castle, he stepped right into the tournament. After having thrown a few knights in shining armour over the castle wall, and after Bingkey kicked a few people in an uncomfortable place with his hind legs, Shrek Darcy finally got to speak to the Lords Collins Farquaads.
"Congratulations ogre, you've won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest." The Lords Collins cried.
Shrek Darcy explained that he was already on a quest, a quest to get his Pemberley swamp back. They made a deal (Shrek Darcy was held under fire (or under arrow to be precise) by approximately 258 soldiers), in which Shrek Darcy together with his companion Bingkey would go rescue the princesses, and then Shrek Darcy would get his swamp back.
And so, Bingkey and Shrek Darcy found themselves on their way to fetch Princess Jane and Lizzy from the highest tower of the castle guarded by the Orange Dragon. After a good day's walk, they came upon a castle surrounded by an orange canal of lava. They took the tower bridge and entered the castle. It was deserted, except for a few skeletons of former knights who had come to rescue the princesses. Shrek Darcy and Bingkey continued their way through the castle, looking for an impressing wide staircase that would lead up to the highest tower in which they would find the princesses.
"Who says they will be there?"Bingkey asked.
"I read it in a book once. You really should read more Bingkey! It is the only way to improve your mind!" the ogre replied.
Having found the stairs, they met with the Orange fire breathing Dragon, at which point dear Bingkey was almost barbequed. But later the donkey seemed to grow on the Orange Dragon, I even think she thought him rather pretty at some time. Bingkey, amiable as he was, thought to use this situation and flirted a bit with the dragon. He admired her teeth, and figure, and expressed a great admiration for the feathers she wore on her head. During the time in which Bingkey sweet talked the dragon, Shrek Darcy managed to go up to the tower where he found both princesses.
Princess Jane and Lizzy, having spend several years in the tower and therefore having had a long time to plan their rescue, expected a great deal from their rescuer. It was the man they were to marry, and as they had discussed, they could only marry for the deepest love. It was therefore a slight disappointment that their rescuer was no Prince Charming, and that there was only one of them.
But practical girls, like they were, they decided to make to most of it. They lay on their beds, in a position that was sure to show their figures in the most advantageous way, waiting to be kissed. No such thing happened. They were bluntly told to get up, and make their way downstairs. They both thought it terribly strange, they were supposed to go through the window by a long rope, and why was there only one to rescue them? They both needed a Prince Charming didn't they? They tried to point this out to the large, green creature in front of them, but he didn't think it worth his wile to enter into a discussion with the two damsels in distress. He took they both by the arm, and dragged them down the stairs. There he found his friend in private discussion with the Orange Dragon.
"Dear Caroline, call me old fashioned, but I think we need time. I don't want to rush into any physical relationship. I am not emotionally ready for a relationship of this... ehm.. well... magnitude."
While the donkey talked some more, Shrek Darcy was able to chain the Orange Dragon, and they made their way out of the castle. Outside saved from the risk of an unwanted barbeque, they were properly introduced.
Bingkey was immediately taken with Princes Jane, and who wouldn't be, she was all that was kind and beautiful. The princesses walked together, lagging behind, discussing their rather unorthodox rescue, when Bingkey came up to Shrek Darcy to tell him he had never seen a more beautiful creature in his life. Unbeknownst to the gentlemen, the princesses overheard their discussion. Princes Lizzy was happy for her sister, it may be only a donkey but still, he was an eligible match, and she was sure to make the best of it. And they had to marry. They needed their true love's first kiss to break this bloody spell! She smiled to her sister, slightly squeezing her hand, when he overheard Shrek Darcy's opinion of herself.
Annoyed by Bingkey's suggestions of him having to find a nice girl to love and why not Princess Lizzy, "why we could be brothers!" Shrek Darcy declared he supposed she was tolerable, but he was in no humour to give consequence to young ladies that other men had burned their fingers on. And really they did not save the princesses for themselves did they? They saved them so the Lords could marry them.
Both ladies were shocked upon hearing this last speech. Okay both men were not exactly what they had expected from their rescuers, I mean, Jane hadn't expected to marry a donkey, and Lizzy was not prevailed onto marring an ogre! But to be married by another then their rescuer? That could not be! This was all wrong! That was not how it was supposed to go! They decided to confront the not so gentle-men.
Shrek Darcy explained that they were sent by the Lords Collins Farquaads to rescue them, that they were the ones that wanted to marry them.
"Then why didn't they come to rescue us?" Princes Lizzy cried.
"You can ask them that when you get there." Shrek Darcy answered in a haughty tone.
"I am not going anywhere. If the Lords Collins Far... thingemies want to marry us, they can come to rescue us from here." Princes Lizzy cried.
Shrek Darcy was not feeling up to a discussion, even though Princes Lizzy's eyes were very fine indeed when she was angry. He lifted her up, dragged her up on his shoulder and walked on.Princes Jane, to gentle to argue with anyone, thought it best to follow them. Shrek Darcy walked a few minutes with Princes Lizzy on his shoulder. She had given up the struggle and asked him what their future husbands, the Lords Collins Farquaads were like.
"Well, let me put it this way princes", Shrek Darcy said, while he put down Princes Lizzy in a not so gentle way, "men of Collins Farquaads stature are in short supply!" upon both he and Bingkey roared with laughter.
" No Shrek Darcy", Bingkey said, "there are those who think little of him."
Upon which both males laughed some more. Princes Lizzy fumed in anger at the insulting words of her and her sister's soon to be husbands. She told them to stop it, and argued that they were just jealous. When she heard that they were to continue their journey through the night her anger disappeared and anxiety took its place. She insisted upon them camping somewhere for the night, and was relieved when the males yielded, especially since she saw the sun was already on his descent for the day. Their secret would be save.
Princes Jane and Lizzy spend the night in a deserted cave, while the males slept outside. They talked of many things, estate (swamp) business, shooting, and of course love. Bingkey rattled on about dear Jane. He was in love.
"She is the most beautiful creature I ever laid eyes on!" Bingkey cried.
His enthusiasm was somewhat tapering when Shrek Darcy informed him that Princes Jane surely didn't feel the same, and she was not meant for him. It could never be. He should give up on her. Bingkey was devastated, but thought it wise to take his good friends advice to sleep on it. And sleep he did! He dreamed of green meadows, flowers, parfait (for he was really very fond of parfait) and his lovely Princes Jane.
After a breakfast of fried eggs, which Princes Lizzy had decided to make for the males to make it up to her and her sister's rescuer, they continued their journey.
In contrast to the day before, today's journey was spent talking pleasantly to each other. Bingkey walking next to his angel, deciding that he would put the time he had left with her to good use, and Shrek Darcy walking next to Princes Lizzy. It was when they were in the middle of another debate over books, that Princes Lizzy was suddenly grabbed by a man on a liana.
"What are you doing!"she cried to the man.
"I am your saviour!", the man said in broken English, "I am rescuing you from this green beast."
Shrek Darcy cried from upon the ground (Princes Lizzy and the unknown man were in a tree) that he should release her this instant! The man cried that he would do no such thing, after which Princes Lizzy cried:
"Look pal", and she poked him in the chest, "I don't know who you think you are..."
"Excuse me, madam, please let me introduce myself. I am Robin Wickhood. I steal from the rich and give to the poo.."
His introduction was cut short by Princes Lizzy kicking him in the groin, and jumping out of the tree.
They continued their journey in which Shrek Darcy complimented Princes Lizzy on her excellent self defence techniques. Bingkey and Princes Jane lagged behind, and Princes Lizzy and Shrek Darcy spend some quality time together. Both began to admire the other.
Princes Lizzy admired his intelligence, and tall stature, while Shrek Darcy was amazed by her quick retorts and was continually distracted by her curvy figure.
When they reached the top of a hill, they saw Dunsford lying in the valley. Princes Lizzy and Jane, both reluctant to give up present company so soon, persuaded the males to camp out for the night, and then continue the last part of their journey the next day.
Since they had some time left before sunset, they shared a meal together. Princes Lizzy complimented Shrek Darcy on his cooking, upon which Shrek Darcy invited her to dine with him some time at Pemberley.
Jason Wade carrying his guitar came upon them, and delighted them with "You belong to me".(Author's note: Shrek really isn't Shrek without this beautiful song)
The evening was terribly romantic, and both couples enjoyed their companions and watched the sun set. The sun set? Oh my god! Both ladies left abruptly for the night, which they would spend in an old mill.
Bingkey and Shrek Darcy talked a bit more, after the ladies had left.
Bingkey said, "I am an animal and I've got instincts, and I know that you two are digging on each other!"
"Of course not", Shrek Darcy said, "I am just bringing her to one of the Lords Collins Farquaad."
"Oh come on Shrek Darcy, wake up and smell the pheromones!"
(Author's note: I find this speech of Donkey just hilarious, I had to put it in!)
"Tell her how you feel!" Bingkey cried.
Shrek Darcy left under some pretence to get fire wood, and Bingkey decided to go in search of his angel for a late night chat. He stepped into the mill, and called out "Princes Jane.."
"Go over there", Jane whispered, "he cannot see me like this!"
"Well I don't want Shrek Darcy to see me like this either!" Lizzy whispered in reply.
"But it is only Bingkey who came in. Please! I cannot face him like this."
Lizzy relented to her sisters wishes and stepped out of the shadows. Bingkey scared his pants off (if he would be wearing any) upon seeing the large green creature in front of him.
"Well, hello there. You must be related to Shrek Darcy." The ever amiable Bingkey said.
The large green female assured him that it was not the case and explained that she was Princes Lizzy, but that she was trapped in another's body.
"Well Princes, you look different." Bingkey said as he made the understatement of the year to the large green creature with fine eyes that was in front of him.
"I know, I am ugly!" Lizzy replied. "I've been this way as long as I can remember. By night one way, by day another, this shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, then you will take love's true form".
"That's nice, I didn't know you wrote poetry!" Bingkey said.
"It is a spell. When we were young the evil fairy godmother de Bourgh cast a spell on us."
"You mean, Jane, ehm Princes Jane changes too?" Bingkey asked.
"Yes I do" came from a dark corner of the mill. Princes Jane stepped forward on her four long legs, instead of her normal two.
Bingkey didn't believe his eyes, instead of his angel Jane, there was a beautiful mare in front of him. He knew without a doubt it was Jane, the mare possessed Jane's large blue eyes.
In contrast to what Princes Jane feared, Bingkey fell in love with her even more, upon learning that she belonged not only to the same taxonomic order as him, but also to the same Family, Genus and Subgenus! This was a whole lot better than sharing only Taxonomic Class.
"Yes at least she got to keep her beauty!" Lizzy said, upon noticing Bingkey's love smitten face.
At the same moment Shrek Darcy walked up to the mill. He had decided if he would make his declaration of love to Princes Lizzy, he must act quickly otherwise tomorrow she would be lost to him forever! He walked up a few steps and put his hand on the door to push it open when he heard conversation.
"I mean really, who could ever love a beast so ugly! Hateful, insufferable creature! Princes and ugly don't go together! My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love!" Princes Lizzy told Bingkey.
Shrek Darcy was devastated. He knew he was ugly but to hear it stated like that, by his one love hurt a great deal. He moved away instantly and did not hear Lizzy's next statement;
"It is the only way to break the spell!"
"You should tell Shrek Darcy!" Bingkey cried.
"No! Promise me you won't tell him!"
"Very well, very well."
When the sun dawned it brought a beautiful new day, upon which both Princesses stepped outside the mill in their usual physique. They saw Bingkey was still asleep, but there was no trace of Shrek Darcy. Princes Jane walked over to where Bingkey was sleeping and caressed him over the head, which caused him to wake up. They asked him were Shrek Darcy was, but he told them he had no idea, he hadn't seen him since he had come out of the mill last night.
Before Princes Lizzy could start worrying over her love, he appeared together with an army of knights on grand horses and the Lords Collins Farquaads on an ingenious saddle on top of a small pony.
Bingkey poked him in the arm and asked him:
"What the hell did you do that for!"
But Shrek Darcy was spared from answering that by the cries of the Lords Collins Farquaads.
"Princes Lizzy, Princes Jane, we meet at last. Very well ogre, you have succeeded in your quest, I will give you your swamp back." And Lord Collins Farquaad, the one on the right, handed Shrek Darcy the deed to his swamp, upon which Shrek Darcy moved away.
The Lords Collins Farquaads asked, well demanded, the hand in marriage of Princes Jane and Lizzy, which the now really angry Princes Lizzy accepted for the both of them, making sure Shrek Darcy overheard. She complemented the Lords on their gentlemen-like behaviour which she professed to value a great deal, since it was such a rare occurrence in creatures nowadays. The latter was said with an angry glare in the direction of Shrek Darcy.
"You flatter me my dear" Lord Collins Farquaad, the one on the right, said, "We will have a double wedding tomorrow."
"No! Why wait until tomorrow, let us marry today!" cried Princes Lizzy, eager to break the spell by their true love's first kiss.
Both Princesses were handed into the carriage and a devastated Shrek Darcy and Bingkey were left behind.
"Why did you do this Shrek Darcy! My angel will be lost to me forever!" Bingkey cried angrily.
"It was for the best, they were very unsuitable" Shrek Darcy said.
"They?" Bingkey asked. "You stupid thick-headed ogre! You just send away the woman you love, and who loves you in return. And mine!"
"Loves me in return?"Shrek Darcy asked. "But she said I was an ugly beast, an insufferable creature."
"You shouldn't eavesdrop Shrek Darcy! And if you do, you should choose to do it long enough to hear the whole conversation!" Bingkey cried.
"What do you mean?" Shrek Darcy asked.
Bingkey refused to betray the confidence between the Princesses and himself, and refused to answer Shrek Darcy. They had held a spirited argument for some time when Bingkey finally relented. Shrek Darcy really was the superior in the arts of argumentation, it must be all his study on four syllable words. Bingkey related to his friend that both Princesses were under a spell, and that they changed in different creatures after sunset.
"My angel becomes even more angelic after sunset, she has great legs, four of them! Heavenly eyes, a long neck with beautiful blond manes, and her rear..." he was interrupted from his musing by Shrek Darcy.
"Good Lord, Bingkey, you talk of her as if she were a mare!"
"Well she is!" he retorted.
"And so is my Lizzy?" Shrek Darcy asked with a very worried expression on his face.
"No, she turns into something a bit more ugly I am afraid. That is what you overheard, she was talking of herself."
"She wasn't talking about me?"Shrek Darcy said with relief.
Bingkey explained that she had been talking about the awful creature she was at night, and how both Jane and Lizzy needed a true love's first kiss to break the spell.
"But surely the Lords Collins Farquaads aren't their true love's!" Shrek Darcy said with anxiety showing on his big green face.
Both males decided that they were the only ones that could break the spell, and they had to stop the double wedding. They hurried to Dunsford and were just in time for the last part of the marriage ceremony.
The priest conducting the marriage spoke: "Speak now of forever hold your peace."
Upon which Shrek Darcy and Bingkey stormed into the church and yelled:
They ran through the church to the altar.
"You cannot marry the Lords! They only want to marry you so they can become Kings. There not your true love!" Shrek Darcy cried.
Princes Jane immediately left the left-one-side of the Lords to stand next to her Bingkey, but Princes Lizzy required a bit more to be persuaded.
Shrek Darcy stuttered: "You cannot marry him!"
"And why ever not?" Princes Lizzy cried.
"Because… because" Shrek Darcy stammered.
Then the Lords began laughing and cried: "This is precious! The ogre and the donkey have fallen in love with the princesses!"
The public laughed.
Late as it was, the sun began to set again. "By day one way, by night another" both princesses stepped away from the altar and showed to all the people who had gathered there that day, their transformation in their nightly form.
Oh's and Ah's were heard through the public. The Lords when overcome from the shock, cried that it was "disgusting! Their dead would have been a blessing in comparison!"
But the only thing that Shrek Darcy uttered was:
"Well that explains a lot!" with a grin that revealed tolerable, but slightly yellow, teeth.
Shrek Darcy stepped up to Princes Lizzy, took her hand and said:
"Lizzy? I love you. Most ardently. I have done so almost from the first moment I met you. But one word from you will silence my on this subject forever."
Princes Lizzy directed her fine eyes to the large brown ones in front of her, and smiled with a grin that showed rather yellow teeth as well. "I love you too."
Both Princes Lizzy and Shrek Darcy and Princes Jane and Bingkey shared their true love's first kiss at the same time.
And of course as it befits a true fairytale, both Jane and Lizzy kept their nightly form and together with their true true-love's lived happily ever after.The End