Darcy's Rash Proposal

Posted on March 8, 2009

Another tedious morning in Rosings Parlour becomes unbearable and Darcy must go for a walk to Hunsford.

Darcy, Darcy, stay awake!
Give your sleepy head a shake!
Brace yourself and get a grip.
Stiffen up that upper lip.
Get your carcass off that couch!
Aunt de Bourgh won't let you slouch!
Shoulders back and drain your face.
Show them all your flawless grace.

Every morning, here I sit.
Champing at the teatime bit.
Morning ritual -- tea in Kent.
Aunt de Bourgh's premier event.
Hate the way she raves and rants.
No one here stands any chance.
Nothing here she's frightened of.
Even scares the Lord above.

Two full hours of huff and puff.
Both my ears have had enough.
Aunt's opinions such a bore.
Even makes the Colonel snore.
Pointless talk goes on and on.
Cousin Anne's about to yawn.
Aunt de Bourgh is talking still.
Throw her through that window sill.

Bennet girl's not here today.
Need to bolt and get away.
Freedom from my aunt's control.
What I need's a little stroll.
Awfully hard to sneak away.
New excuses every day.
Leave the room on some pretext.
Aunt de Bourgh is somewhat vexed.

Walking now for half an hour.
Soaken by an April shower.
Rosings Park is like a maze.
Once got lost for seven days.
Hard to get around it still.
Crooked ground is all uphill.
Sloping level always climbs.
Tripped and fell a dozen times.

Just ahead is what I want.
Colonel Fitz's favourite haunt.
Always find him coming here.
Nosey Fitz should jockey clear.
Too much "brass" and "sally forth".
Might dispatch the man up north.
Pay a call myself instead.
Hunsford Cottage: straight ahead!

Hope it's just the two of us.
Urgent matter to discuss.
Don't like where she always sits.
Sits too close to Colonel Fitz.
Colonel cousin knows too much.
Knows about my gen'rous touch.
Knows I helped old Bingley out.
Fitz will spill the beans no doubt.

Tip-toe up beside the door.
(Glad we have a good rapport.)
There's Miss Bennet, all alone.
(Glad I wore my best cologne.)
Have to find out what she knows.
What did Colonel Fitz disclose?
Maybe I should just explain:
how I dealt with sister Jane.

Start to mumble something trite.
She just scowls with all her might.
Drills a hole between my eyes.
Might be plotting my demise.
Had to do the proper things.
(Even though the outcome stings.)
Did what common sense demands.
Hope Miss Bennet understands.

Stomach isn't feeling well.
Too much gossip to dispel.
Folds her arms and calmly waits.
Gad, this girl intimidates!
Can't decipher what this means.
Colonel must've spilled the beans.
Need to take a different tack.
Else she might start fighting back.

Now reminded as I quiz,
what a lovely girl she is.
Face and figure just divine.
Body's like a glass of wine.
Mood and manner often nice.
Always offers good advice.
Not impressed by silly fluff.
Only reads substantial stuff.

Unimpressed by idle talk.
Pointless chat will make her balk.
Shoulders hold a clever head.
(Too bad she's not better bred.)
Always liked her pleasant voice.
Might just make a welcome choice.
Just might be the one I need.
She could use a manly steed.

Wait until she hears my news.
Offer that she can't refuse.
Hope it's not out of the blue.
Shouldn't look too impromptu.
Tell her I've a lot to say.
Tell her it's her lucky day.
Open up your big blue eyes.
Ready for a big surprise?

Afternoon a nasty wreck.
Break the Colonel's scrawny neck.
Teach him not to interfere.
Things she didn't need to hear.
Too much "brass" and too much "strut".
Ought to keep his yapper shut.
Teach him not to mess with me.
Send him to the Arctic Sea.

What the heck should I do now?
Doesn't want a wedding vow?
Am I not a worthy man?
Can't I woo like others can?
Courting her was quite a plan.
(Better than my cousin Anne.)
Valiant effort didn't float.
Fix it with a little note.