Beginning, Section II, Next Section
Posted on Thursday, 18 May 2006
This pattern would be firmly entrenched in their lives for the following days. Darcy kept to his study or the library, whilst Elizabeth had yet to set foot out of her bedchamber. A gloomy atmosphere surrounded Pemberley reflecting their master and mistress’s disposition. Mrs Reynolds was very upset with the Darcys’ demeanour. But she kept silent for she understood her young master’s need for his own privacy even if he was in grief. Perceptive to his needs and moods, the attentive housekeeper quickly understood that something very serious happened between the newlyweds. She longed to help them but she knew she couldn’t. Instead, she struggled to keep the servants’ gossips under strict control and to ensure a feigned peaceful environment in the household.
Darcy’s happiness had been shattered that night. He felt his desperation increase as each day passed on without being able to see her. A week, it had been a week since he last laid his eyes on her, touched her… He swallowed a sob and resolved to no longer shed any tears. How would they ever be able to live together again? She had refused to come down all week, repeatedly informing Mrs Reynolds that she was ill. He had imagined that she would refuse to see him but he had hoped she would come down for some meals at least. At least for propriety’s sake.
He had hoped to have her company for some time… He wanted to have a chance to look at her and talk to her… If she came to him… Then he would be given the chance to defend himself and assess her disposition. They had to try something… How could they go on living in complete misery?
Darcy resolved that he should give her some space to acquaint herself with Pemberley and her new duties. He would have to leave. Perhaps time could heal the wounds they inflicted upon each other… She would conform… He flinched at the thought of that: Elizabeth conforming to their marriage… that would mar her liveliness, everything about her that he truly worshipped.
He would have to leave soon. He could not bear being close to her and not being able to hold her in his arms, touch her, love her… Yes, I must leave to London for some time.
He nursed his brandy for some time as he gazed into the darkness outside the library’s window. Sipping the cool fire, he strengthened his resolve to face her. Tonight, he thought, I need to see her. He needed to set things straight about Wickham, at least about that he could defend himself! He would tell her he would leave the next morning. Then she wouldn’t need to keep to her room in order to avoid him. It was clear to him that she couldn’t abide his presence. She wouldn’t need to stop living…
She curled herself in the settee gazing into the fire. Although it had been a warm day, Elizabeth felt cold. A chill had permeated her all day, all week long. Her supper remained untouched on the tray Mrs Reynolds had sent her. She would be upset, she thought, Sally would report to the housekeeper that once again she refused to eat. She sighed, closing her eyes and allowing her growing weakness envelop her. She was so lost in nursing her misery that she hadn’t heard him knocking on the door or even opening it.
He entered quietly, indulging himself for a few moments as he committed the sight to his memory. The untouched tray made him frown, worrying about her welfare. But then he gazed over her. The fire glowed around her. Her delicate white nightclothes rendered her figure soft and fragile… but lovely. His wife was truly beautiful… His wife Elizabeth wasn’t his anymore… In fact, he frowned, she had never been his, had she? Had never been… He sighed deeply, trying to cast away his hurt.
He knocked on the door again and called her. “Mrs Darcy? Are you unwell?”
Startled, Elizabeth jumped to her feet. “Mr Darcy, wh—You frightened me, sir.”
“I did not mean to frighten you.” He pointed at the tray “You haven’t eaten…”
“No, I’m not hungry.” She answered softly facing the fireplace.
“Are you still unwell? Your headache?” he inquired worried, wondering if it would be wise to talk to her what he wanted to.
“I’m feeling better, thank you.” She was worried about his presence there. Was he expecting to spend the night with her? Was he expecting her favours? Her nervousness began to show, making Darcy realize that he should start talking before his resolve melted away.
Both depicted, remarkably well due to their circumstances, two civilized people. She struggled to keep her composure and nervousness under rule; he tried fiercely to control his feelings. They knew that they would both need to rein their emotions in order to face what would come. To determine would they should do. An awkward silence fell upon them. They dared not look in each other’s eyes. They feared taking the lead in this disturbing confrontation. It had been too long since they opened their hearts to each other. But even though a week had gone by, each day had scorched deeper in their minds the horrors of their last exchange.
Darcy didn’t know how to address her. His bitterness told him she didn’t deserve him, he should not trouble himself by giving her any explanations or even submitting himself to the torture of facing her. But his love for her tore his heart and overruled his mind. He observed her and recognized her nervousness and her distress. She looked very pale. She even seemed thinner and the dark circles beneath her eyes betrayed her restless nights. Her misery broke his heart… and his mind berated him for acknowledging it.
Elizabeth wasn’t faring any better. She was very nervous. She kept wondering why he finally came to her after a whole week. True, she mused, I’ve been expecting this every night. Had he come to her in expectation of sharing her bed? Despite all she accused him of that night, she knew in her heart that he would not force her into unwanted intimacy. She blushed as she thought of their past intimate exchanges. This is insufferable, she chastised herself and closing her eyes. I’m dreading his touch but I’m longing for it as well! This is so confusing! Trembling slightly, she raised her head and her eyes met his expectant gaze.
Withdrawing a shred of courage from her look, Darcy stated the purpose of his visit.
“Eli—Mrs Darcy, I fear… I fear we must have some conversation, madam. There are some things I need to explain to you.”
She sat down and gestured to invite him to take a seat as well. She watched him as he took the armchair opposite her. He looked tired and very pale. It was obvious to her that he hadn’t been sleeping as well. She had feared this encounter, as she expected him to be very angry at her. But, if he was, he was concealing it very well. He revealed his cool and aloof demeanour that she had grown accustomed to in the past.
“I know you do not wish to see me, but…” He stopped and looked at her to check if she would refuse to listen to him. Her silence propelled him to continue.
“Be not alarmed, Madam, by my presence. I don’t wish to repeat any of those sentiments, or renewal of intimacy which were so disgusting to you.”
Elizabeth flushed violently and stared at the fire unable to meet her husband’s face. Her hateful words pounded in her head. “How can I love you, sir? You’ve made me your whore!” How could she have uttered that? He would never be able to forgive me.
“… but you have also questioned my character and integrity. Therefore, I demand your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I demand it of your justice.”
He paused in order to collect himself, attempting to control his bitter resentment. “Two offences of a very different nature, and by no means of equal magnitude, you laid to my charge that night.”
She nodded in acquiescence but still refused to look at him.
“The first was, that, regardless of the sentiments of either, I had detached Mr. Bingley from your sister; -- and the other, that I had, in defiance of honour and humanity, ruined the immediate prosperity, and blasted the prospects of Mr. Wickham, the companion of my youth, the acknowledged favourite of my father, a young man who had scarcely any other dependence than on our patronage. Aren’t these the crimes that you accused me of, madam?”
“Yes, yes they are. And you didn’t deny them that night!” Her bottled anger quickly began to diffuse through her trembling body.
“Allow me to explain, Mrs Darcy. If, in the explanation of them which is due to myself, I am under the necessity of relating feelings which may be offensive to yours, I can only say that I am sorry. The necessity must be obeyed and farther apology would be absurd.”
Again she nodded her agreement in silence.
“I had not been long in Hertfordshire, before I saw, in common with others, that Bingley preferred your eldest sister to any other young woman in the country. I had often seen him in love before. At the Netherfield ball I realized that Bingley's attentions to your sister had given rise to a general expectation of their marriage. From that moment I observed my friend's behaviour attentively; and I could then perceive that his partiality for Miss Bennet was beyond what I had ever witnessed in him. Your sister I also watched.”
She swiftly looked at him with her cold eyes piercing his heart. He winced but he knew he had to continue.
“Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard, and I remained convinced from the evening's scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment. The… the serenity of your sister's countenance was such that I was soon convinced that her heart was not likely to be easily touched.”
“But you were wrong! Her heart is broken!”
“I’m sorry to hear that. It never was my intention to deliberately hurt anyone. I acted on my own conscious and upon my impartial conviction.”
“That was very presumptuous of you, Mr Darcy. How could you know what my sister’s feelings were towards Mr Bingley? Are you a mind reader, sir?” she added sarcastically.
“Of course not, madam! But if she truly loved Mr Bingley it would be noticeable to any, would it not?! Even later, Bingley recognised that he was uncertain as well regarding your sister’s affections to him”
“But she is shy, sir!” Elizabeth cried impatiently. “That does not mean her heart was untouched! That does not mean she does not feel deeply! And you, sir, would have certainly understood that! As far as I am concerned, I never perceived any affection from your part either! Your proposal to me in Kent was the most unexpected surprise I had ever received in my life! Your behaviour towards me to that date had convinced me only of your utter disregard for me.”
Darcy flinched and coloured upon hearing her outburst. She had never… she didn’t know he had been infatuated with her… That he had loved her almost from their first acquaintance? He closed his eyes and with deep breaths controlled the array of conflicting emotions that rushed through his mind.
“I apologize, madam. I must have been in an error. You, of course, have superior knowledge of your sister. I am sorry to have inflicted pain on her and on my friend. Your resentment has not been unreasonable. I only wished that my friend would not let himself into an unequal and unhappy marriage.”
“The truth is, Mr Darcy, you could only see your friend entering into degradation… You saw your friend attaching himself to an abhorrent family. Such low connections…” she snorted in disdain.
“You are mistaken, Mrs Darcy.” He quickly replied. “Despite my objections to the situation of your mother's family, it was nothing in comparison of that total want of propriety so frequently, so almost uniformly, betrayed by herself, by your younger sisters, and occasionally even by your late father.”
She stood up and her face revealed her uncontrolled anger. She was about to interrupt him when he raised his hand, showing her he wanted to continue.
“Allow me to finish, madam. Pardon me as it pains me to offend you. But you must recognize that the conduct of your family was reproachable. But let me give you at least some consolation that as far as you and Miss Jane are concerned, your conduct has always been above censure and the subject of high praises. I always admired you and your sister. And believe me, Mrs Darcy, that the primary reason why I interfered in this matter, was because I actually believed your sister was indifferent to my friend. If she loved him, your family’s improper conduct or poor connections would mean nothing.”
He stood up and approached a window facing the darkness outside. His shoulders sagged and his posture betrayed his despondency. His voice quivered,
“Let me remind you, that I married you for I believed we were both in love. Your family was an objection that I no longer held…” He coughed in an attempt to disguise an unwanted sob from being heard. Still facing the window, for he did not want her to see the unshed tears in his eyes, he continued his account describing their removal from Netherfield and the concealment of Jane’s presence in London from Bingley. Even knowing that she would never forgive him, he described to her how he concealed the news about her father’s death, the purchase of Netherfield and their wedding. “I know… I know this concealment, this disguise, was beneath me. It is done, however, and I did believe it was done for the best. On this subject I have nothing more to say, no other apology to offer. But I do want to assure you that I will reveal my actions to Bingley, even knowing for certain that I’ll lose his friendship.”
He turned to face her. But all he could see was her back. She stood in front of the fire. Her right hand was clutching the chair as she seemed to be holding on to it. He knew she was hurt by his actions and words. He knew she would never forgive him. And that knowledge cut him deeply in his heart. He must continue his confessions to her and he suddenly realised that his account of Wickham would certainly wound her even more. He could not ascertain what her feelings for that cad were. Could she be in love with him? He shuddered from the horror of that mere thought. But it was that doubt that had been gnawing his soul for the past week. He dreaded knowing the truth…
He slowly approached her. He touched her arm to interrupt her silence and oblivion to his presence. She startled and turned to face him. Her beautiful dark eyes were brimming with tears but her expression was a cold and angry one.
“I… I wish to retire, sir.” She muttered dropping her gaze to the ground.
He hesitated for a long moment. Perhaps he should leave as she certainly did not wish to endure his company any longer. But he needed to tell her about Wickham. He needed to learn if she loved him… The thought of that man emboldened his resolve to continue. And so, he disregarded her request.
“I’m sorry, madam, but we have not finished yet.”
She looked at him immediately and felt her anger rise. “I believe there is nothing further you can say to me, sir.”
“You are mistaken, Mrs Darcy. I have not started about Wickham yet.” He replied coolly.
She took her former seat in the settee and looked at him expectantly. Her defiance written all over her face. Yes, Mr Darcy, she thought, let’s see how you will defend yourself on this matter!
“I do not know how he imposed himself on you. I-I fear you will be disappointed when you learn the truth about your protégé… Forgive me, but your interest in this man…” he stopped unable to express his greatest concern.
“I assure you, Mr Darcy, I have never felt anything for Mr Wickham except for an uninterested friendship. He is an amiable and agreeable young man… and we were fortunate enough to become fast friends.” A smirk twisted her lips as she thought unlike certain persons of my acquaintance!
“You should not count him as a friend, madam! I don’t know what lies he told you… You knew he was the son of my father’s steward, a very respectable man?”
She nodded affirmatively.
“Out of great respect to the old Mr Wickham, my father supported George at school, and afterwards at Cambridge. My father was not only fond of his society, whose manners were always engaging; he had also the highest opinion of him, and hoping the church would be his profession, intended to provide for him in it. Was this his account to you, madam?”
“Yes, Mr Wickham told me he was intended for the church. But you refused to oblige your father’s dying wishes, didn’t you?” she added resentfully.
“I see. Here again I shall give you pain -- to what degree you only can tell. But whatever may be the sentiments which Mr. Wickham has created, a suspicion of their nature shall not prevent me from unfolding his real character. It adds even another motive.”
She was about to protest again that her feelings for Wickham were not of a tender nature. But he wouldn’t give her any time to do it. He continued on with his voice filled with hurt and resentment.
“My father died about five years ago; and his attachment to Mr Wickham was to the last so steady, that in his will he particularly recommended it to me to promote his advancement in the best manner that his profession might allow, and, if he took orders, desired that a valuable family living might be his as soon as it became vacant. There was also a legacy of one thousand pounds. I must say that Wickham’s next actions would appease my conscience for I knew him too well. I knew he would not be a proper clergyman for his vicious nature would only bring misfortunes to the parish which would have been bestowed upon him. He contacted me to inform me that he had resolved against taking orders, he hoped I should not think it unreasonable for him to expect some more immediate pecuniary advantage, in lieu of the living. He had some intention of studying the law, and that the interest of one thousand pounds would be a very insufficient support in that. I rather wished than believed him to be sincere so agreed to his proposal and granted him three thousand pounds. Thus he resigned all claim to assistance in the church, this fact he seems to have omitted to you.”
He paused as he observed his wife. A frown marked her countenance. She remained silent though.
“All connections between us were then dissolved. I believe he lived in town and that his studying the law was a mere pretence. He was then free from all restraint and his life had become a life of idleness and dissipation. For about three years I heard little of him until the rector of the living that was meant for him died. The scoundrel actually believed that I would present him the living in question. He had found the law a most unprofitable study, and was now absolutely resolved on being ordained. He was convinced that I would accept his request… But I did not. You will hardly blame me for refusing to comply with this entreaty! But if you wish for proof, I have documents to prove my claims, madam.”
She denied softly any need to prove his accounts. Silently she watched him as his demeanour darkened suddenly. His tone changed to a darker one. He started pacing restlessly betraying his distress. Elizabeth wondered if there could be more about Wickham to embarrass her. For she was deeply embarrassed. She knew enough of her husband to recognise his generous and kind character. Had he not taken care of her own family in the most generous gesture? And he had never even voiced any gratification in return? She now knew she had been foolish to believe Wickham’s falsehoods.
“I must now mention a circumstance which I would wish to forget myself. Last summer Wickham crossed my path again in the most painfully manner.” He paused to gain control of his emotions. “As my wife, you are entitled to know. And I feel no doubt of your secrecy. As you know, Georgiana was left to the guardianship of Colonel Fitzwilliam and myself. About a year ago, she was taken from school, and an establishment formed for her in London; and last summer she went with Mrs. Younge, the lady who presided over it, to Ramsgate. Unknown to me, Wickham had also gone there undoubtedly by design. I had later found out that there was a prior acquaintance between him and Mrs. Younge, in whose character we were most unhappily deceived. Both conspired to deceive Georgiana and convince her to believe that they were in love. My sister’s affectionate heart was easily persuaded as she still retained a strong impression of his kindness to her as a child. Hence she consented to an elopement. She was then but fifteen…”
He paused and looked at her. Elizabeth was astonished. Her face was livid.
“She was only fifteen, a child! Fortunately for her, I joined them unexpectedly a day or two before the intended elopement. There is not a day, Elizabeth, that I do not pray to G-d, thanking Him, for my prompt arrival. I was able to stop her imprudence. Georgiana, unable to support the idea of grieving and offending a brother whom she almost looked up to as a father, acknowledged the whole to me. You may imagine what I felt and how I acted. Regard for my sister's credit and feelings prevented any public exposure. I immediately arranged to get Wickham out of Ramsgate , and Mrs. Younge was of course removed from her charge.”
“Why?” Elizabeth murmured softly. “Why would he do such a thing to a sweet young girl as Georgiana?”
“Wickham knows me too well. Wickham's chief object was unquestionably my sister's fortune, which is thirty thousand pounds. But I cannot help supposing that the hope of revenging himself on me was a strong inducement. His revenge would have been complete indeed if he had succeeded.”
The pain in his voice touched her heart. But her own misery overwhelmed her. How foolish she had been! How could she let herself be deceived by such a man! Unable to control her feelings any longer she started crying, hiding her face in her hands.
He quickly stopped himself from rushing towards her. How he wished to hold her in his arms and kiss her pain away! But he couldn’t force his attentions on her. He was certainly unwanted. Instead, he told her,
“Don’t distress yourself, madam. He is a master of disguise. You could not have known about his vicious character.”
Elizabeth met his concerned eyes and replied bitterly “True, but I despise myself nevertheless… I have always prided myself in being capable of judging people’s characters. I have been very foolish indeed…”
The silence that filled the room left them both vulnerable and uncomfortable. They knew there was more to be said between them. But neither could do it. As each minute passed by, their forbearance diminished and the awkwardness increased. Darcy determined that it would be for the best to leave her to her thoughts. He would impose himself no longer.
“Good night.” He said softly and quickly withdrew to his room before giving her the chance to say anything.
Elizabeth remained in her seat staring at the door that concealed her husband from her. She stared for a long time as the tears flowed freely down her cheeks.
Unable to contain her misery to herself any longer, Elizabeth withdrew from the stupor that had involved her for days. She needed to share her burden. Aunt Madeline, she thought. She would be able to help. She had never felt the need to rely on anyone. She had always prided herself in her independence. Of course she had Jane as her confidant of all time. But now distance came between them and the misery she felt in her heart broke her spirit. She felt lost and lonely. She longed for some familiar warmth.
Thus, she had turned to the wisest and friendliest woman of her acquaintance: her dear Aunt Madeline. And so she poured her soul, her grief, her doubts onto the sheets of paper that she covered with the uninterrupted scribbling of her pen. She gave her the painful account of her marriage and the quarrel that grieved her husband. The hours passed by swiftly as her tears mingled with her feverish scribbling. Before dawn, she had finished the long missive and sealed it. “I’m sealing my own fate,” she mumbled to herself. “I shall take Aunt Madeline’s advice, whatever it is, and act upon it”. She would have it sent to Gracechurch Street as quickly as possible.
Her confession had eased her depression slightly. She needed to take control of her life again. She needed to evaluate her feelings. She needed to… to make amends with her husband. The truth is, she whispered to her heart, I need him… But… do I want him?… Can I love him?
Elizabeth had decided that she should stop hiding in her room. Hadn’t her husband taken the first step last night? She now acknowledged how unfairly she had treated him. Darcy’s generosity towards the Bennets had been of the utmost unselfishness and she now realized he had done it for the woman he loved, not expecting gratitude from her. Only her love… the very thing she foolishly denied him in his face in the most intimate and vulnerable moment.
She regretted so much about her behaviour towards him. She had always thought him proud and arrogant. How humiliating it was to understand that she had been shamelessly prejudiced towards this man! She had been the proud and arrogant one! Of course, his behaviour in Meryton had been aloof and proud! Her family he had described in an infamous manner! What to think?, she mused confounded.
As dawn slowly awakened Pemberley, the soft sun rays seemed to call her outside. She would act immediately upon her resolution. She quickly donned her oldest black dress and her walking boots. She longed for fresh air and vigorous exercise. She needed to feel alive again. Then she would be able to face her husband for her first breakfast downstairs at Pemberley.
Another sleepless night. It pained him to see his wife suffering but her words still hurt in his mind. He had noticed that Elizabeth had been unable to sleep as well. He had heard her stirring in her chamber all night. Closing his eyes tightly, he sighed deeply. How long can this go on? Being close to her and not being able to touch her suave skin? Inhale her intoxicating scent… the lavender from her hair…How could he survive without her? Would they ever overcome this breach?
I should leave. Once again the thought crossed his mind leaving him weary. And it should be this morning… Steadfast to his resolution, Darcy summoned his valet. He would make the necessary arrangements to leave as quickly as possible after breakfast. He would no longer impose his presence on her. She wouldn’t be forced to remain in her room to avoid him. How to tell her about his departure? Shall I talk to her? He wondered. No, I can’t face her reproachful countenance. A note will suffice.
Whilst Jones, his valet, attended to his bath and clothing, Darcy quickly drafted a note for his wife. He would be civil but brief.
Madam,
Urgent business in London has come to my attention. I shall need to leave hastily today in order to attend to it. I fear I shall be absent from Pemberley for at least two weeks.
God bless you.
FD
Darcy read the note twice. He didn’t like it but he didn’t know what to write either. It would have to suffice. A sound startled him. It was her bedroom door being closed. She must have summoned her maid, he thought as he glanced at the door that kept her from him. He folded the note and stared at it for some time. Rising from the desk he paced towards the large window where he witnessed the sunrise casting its soft rays over Pemberley. A movement below captured his attention. “Elizabeth”, he whispered reverently as he tenderly grazed the glass surface with his fingertips, longing to reach her. The dark figure that was his wife walked briskly across the rose garden. She was heading towards the copse beyond the pond. “She left her room” he muttered to himself. “She’s walking again!” A wave of tenderness washed over him as he realized she was becoming her usual self again. Perhaps she might even join me for breakfast! He hoped heartily.
Glancing over his shoulder, Darcy looked at his note. “It might not be wise to leave today,” he mused as he observed her light figure vanishing from his sight amidst the greenery. He returned quickly to his desk and without a second thought tucked it away in a drawer. “I’ll wait one more day,” he told himself determinedly.
The sun was well high and the heat was disturbing her. What happened? How long had she been there? Her hands itched badly and turning them she observed the scrapes and blood that covered her palms. “I must have fainted and hurt myself on these rocks,” she said softly. She was lying on the pebbles that covered the small margin of the bubbly stream crossing Pemberley’s grounds. I should have brought my gloves! She sighed frustrated and annoyed at herself.
“I must be a frightful sight!” she cried as she observed her dress covered with dirt on her right side. How could I get to her room unnoticed? She slowly stood up. She felt very weak and extremely hot and sweaty. She swayed slightly as she started walking back towards the house. Sighed and berated herself for her condition. She had been foolish to leave the house without eating anything! She didn’t sleep at all that night and she had eaten barely a thing for the past week. No wonder I feel so weak!
She walked back as quickly as she could and as Elizabeth approached the house she saw a grand carriage stationed near the entrance. Who can be here? she wondered. “I’m not fit to be seen!”, she whispered worried.
Pausing in the cool entrance, she inhaled deeply as she fought her growing uneasiness. She assessed if anyone was present. She needed to get to her room. No one seemed to be about so she raced through the hall and reached the grand staircase.
“Mrs Darcy!”
Elizabeth froze. She cringed her teeth from embarrassment and turned her flushed face towards the voice. And there she was… A blonde vision of cool perfection. Clad in soft blue silk and wearing an annoying smile of satisfaction. Her delicate ungloved hands clutching tightly Darcy’s arm. Elizabeth breathed in deeply as she closed her eyes for a scarce moment and then replied coolly,
“Mrs Worthington, this is a surprise.”
Elizabeth’s mortification was written all over her countenance. She felt utterly humiliated. And she was embarrassing her husband as well! For there he was, standing close to the splendorous but hateful Mrs Worthington… and his wife was the opposite reflection of her beauty: her hands covered with dirt and blood and her hideous black dress with mud. She was sweaty and flushed from the heat. She closed her eyes once again and forced herself to reign her nervousness. Her shame glowed on her face.
“Yes, indeed. In fact, it is a surprise to see you as well…” Her sneer implying her shabby appearance as Mrs Worthington’s eyes perused her in contempt.
“Please, excuse me.” Elizabeth muttered as she curtsied and rushed up the stairs.
She had just entered her room when she noticed her husband standing behind her.
“Elizabeth, are you well?” Concern marked his handsome face. “You seem to have blood on your hands! What happened? Are you hurt?”
“Please, it is nothing, sir.” She turned away.
“B-But the blood…” he grasped her hands gently and turned them over. His lips straightened in a worried line as he tenderly touched her scraped skin.
“Don’t trouble yourself. I just tripped on the pebbles by the stream and fell on them. It’s nothing, sir.” His tender grasp left her uneasy.
“Are you certain? Shall I call the doctor? Shall I get your maid?”
“Yes, I’m certain. There’s no need for a doctor, sir. Though I do need Sally’s assistance. I must make myself presentable. I wasn’t informed we would be entertaining today, sir.” Elizabeth snapped at him irritated.
“I didn’t know either. They arrived while I was waiting for you for breakfast.” He replied annoyed.
“You were expecting me for breakfast? Sir?” she whispered astonished as he looked at her closely.
“I-I was hoping… I saw you leaving the house this morning and I hoped you were well enough to join me… but it seems I was mistaken,” he ended sharply.
Elizabeth closed her eyes to shield her chagrin. She wanted to tell him she had resolved to share the meal with him. But she couldn’t tell him what happened… that she had fainted from mere hunger. How silly she had been! “I’m sorry… I was expecting to... but I lost track of time… The grounds are so beautiful…”
Darcy observed her closely and he seemed to want to say something to her. He paused and withdrew. He glanced at her hands that he still held in his and dropped them abruptly.
“I’ll ask Mrs Reynolds to tend to your hands, madam, and send your maid up as well. I shall be entertaining our guests in the music room.”
“Thank you, sir,” she replied softly unable to look at him. But looking up suddenly she wasn’t sure if he had heard at all as he had already left the room.
As Elizabeth approached the music room, she could hear Mrs Worthington’s laughter and her music. Elizabeth paused in the hall and glanced nervously at her reflection in a mirror. She had tried to enhance her figure but she knew she wasn’t beautiful and the fact that she was in mourning didn’t help her either. There was an urge in her that she couldn’t understand and it upset her. She needed to best that hateful blonde and this awkward need frustrated her.
Sally has tried her best, she acknowledged sighing resignedly. She was wearing her new grey silk dress she had acquired for her light mourning. It was a compromise and it was very becoming on her figure. A grey ribbon weaved among her dark curls was the only adornment she could use.
Elizabeth took one deep breath and paused to collect herself. She was feeling better than earlier. She smiled as she thought of the delightful tray her husband had ordered to be sent up with Mrs Reynolds. And the diligent housekeeper had been very gentle with the tending to her hands. They were cleaned with lavender oil and a creamy concoction was applied to soothe her scraped skin.
Glancing once more in the mirror, Elizabeth straightened her shoulders and resolved to face her challenge. It was humiliating to be caught in that state by her, of all people, but I will not allow her to belittle my position as mistress of Pemberley! And with determination she entered the room.
Posted on Monday, 22 May 2006
“Mr Worthington…” she turned around to face her husband who resumed his seat at the pianoforte next to the odious blonde. He was turning the music pages for her. Elizabeth cleared her throat and stated coolly, “Please excuse my delay and for not receiving you properly. I was walking and lost track of time. The grounds here at Pemberley are so alluring and I’m still becoming acquainted with them.”
Despite her cool tone, her pleasure was quite evident on her features. Darcy could not but beam at her as he took pleasure from her sparkling fine eyes. He smiled at her shyly, surprising his wife. In an impulse, Elizabeth timidly smiled back at him but looked away.
The exchange between the newlyweds was not lost on Isabella Worthington who could not but feel displeased about it. Resuming her playing, she scolded her companion, “My dear Mr Darcy,” she purred to him as she leaned closer, “You are neglecting me, sir…” She batted her eyelashes at him as he apologized and turned another page for her.
After having summoned a footman and requested refreshments for the party, Elizabeth took a seat facing the couple at the music instrument. The sight captured her attention. She is indeed a remarkable pianist and beautiful as well… But what annoyed her deeply was the striking picture she presented sitting close to Darcy. They were a handsome couple and that thought caused a strange twist in her stomach.
As she gracefully fingered the keys, Mrs Worthington glanced at Darcy openly. She was well aware that Elizabeth was observing her but that didn’t stop her. On the contrary, she felt emboldened. Yes, she thought, it would be wonderful to have this man as a lover… and teach this country chit a lesson. She does not belong to our rank! It would be delightful to humiliate her further in her husband’s eyes.
Isabella Worthington looked quickly at her husband and cringed at the thought that she was wasting her beauty on him. She had been considering for some time the idea of engaging a lover. And when she reacquainted herself with Darcy at the Matlocks, she quickly decided catching this handsome male specimen as her lover. To be the lover of Fitzwilliam Darcy would definitely mean something… They were both married which could make things less complicated if they were discreet. Her husband was a slimy fool and that wife of his was an insignificant ignorant thing… Why, even the Earl of Matlock seemed to almost shun her in his family’s presence! Darcy would come to his senses and realize how unsuitable his choice was! He would quickly grow tired of her obvious lack of sophistication which would drive him into her power! She had already sensed Elizabeth’s uneasiness. She noticed as well that she was displeased about Darcy’s attentions upon her. This might be a too easy challenge after all! She smugly thought as she continued playing her music.
Elizabeth was seriously displeased. As if her strained relationship with her husband hadn’t been enough, they had to endure the odious couple’s presence for supper and the night. Why had they come here? was the questioned that swirled in her mind the whole afternoon and evening. Darcy had assured her earlier that he hadn’t invited them and that he didn’t know they were visiting. Mr Worthington had explained that they had been on a short stay with relatives up North and that they were on their way back to London. As they drove through Derbyshire, Mrs Worthington had expressed her wishes to visit the newlyweds and bring some sophistication to the wilderness at Pemberley. Elizabeth smiled wanly at her guest but somehow she felt uneasy about that woman’s presence.
Her continuous babbling about events and people from the ton bored her profoundly. Mr Worthington, on the other hand, seemed remarkably akin to her greasy cousin Mr Collins. He either engaged himself in eating and drinking in a slobbering manner or he oozed mellifluously over her or his wife. And Darcy? He seemed placidly calm and polite. How she longed to seek refuge in her bedroom! But she could not. As mistress of Pemberley she needed to play the role of a perfect hostess and gracefully attend to her guests.
Supper had been served and her guests and husband seemed to be enjoying themselves. The servants had supplied them with a lavish meal. Mrs Worthington had even begun to sound less superior in her manner of address towards Elizabeth. Yes, she mused, the evening is going well enough. She recalled the unpleasant exchange that had occurred at the Matlocks weeks ago. She did not wish for it to happen again as she knew it would displease her husband and embarrass herself further.
“Mrs Darcy, I shall be pleased to have you join me for tea very soon.” The blonde addressed her with a pale smile plastered on her face.
“Thank you, Mrs Worthington,” she replied coldly with a forced grin. “The next time we are in town, I shall call upon you.”
“Well, we might as well set up a date… Perhaps, this Thursday?”
Elizabeth looked up sharply. “B-but I thought you lived in London…” she frowned in confusion.
“Why, yes, Mrs Darcy. But aren’t you leaving to town tomorrow as well?” Mrs Worthington inquired amused.
An awkward silence fell upon the hosts. Darcy squirmed in his seat as he realized his mistake in not informing her about his leaving the next morning. In fact, he hadn’t decided yet, but the arrival of the Worthingtons and the several hints that Isabella had let out about wishing to stay at Pemberley made him come to a decision. He had immediately informed the couple that he would be leaving to London on urgent business the next day. Though he hadn’t explained he wouldn’t be taking his wife with him. Of course, the information set Isabella’s mind to retreating back to London as well. Darcy looked up at his wife and flinched at the sight before him. Elizabeth was flushed with shame and anger. She bit forcefully her lower lip in an attempt to control herself.
“Well, actua-…” she started embarrassed.
“Mrs Darcy isn’t accompanying me into town.” Darcy answered hurriedly. “Urgent business affairs await me there. But I shall be away for a very short time.” The damage had been done, he mused, there wasn’t anything he could do now.
Elizabeth glared at him but decided to remain silent. She had been humiliated enough. There was no need to expose their troubles to the hateful couple. At least he hasn’t the nerve to look at me! She glanced at her left and wasn’t surprised to see the smug expression and wide grin on Isabella’s countenance. She seemed very pleased about her hostess’s mortification. She arched an eyebrow towards Elizabeth and reaching for Darcy’s arm, she placed her hand on it.
“Then, my dear Mr Darcy,” she purred sweetly, “you must visit us while in town. We wouldn’t want you to be lonely, would we my dear husband?”
Mr Worthington quickly ascertained their host that he would definitely be welcome at their home.
“You see, Mrs Darcy, we will take care of your dear husband for you.” She smiled haughtily at Elizabeth. “It will be a pleasure.”
Unable to respond, Elizabeth swallowed a sob. Then she stood and quickly invited all to join her in the drawing room for coffee and sweets. She vowed to not look at her husband. If she had, she would have seen his torn and apologetic expression.
The next morning brought the departure of their unwanted guests and of the master of Pemberley. Although Elizabeth had preferred to remain in her rooms, she needed to see her guests off. The mere idea of Isabella Worthington travelling in her husband’s company, though in separate carriages, left her ill. She had not overcome her embarrassment and the woman’s behaviour towards her left her feeling even worse. She was so annoyingly condescending… Elizabeth could not but feel lacking in several aspects… She lacked beauty, connections, talent, social aptitudes, and even her husband’s confidence! “Insufferable man!,” she muttered infuriated.
Standing tall at the entrance of their home, Elizabeth graciously bid her guests farewell. But when her husband turned to her, she couldn’t prevent herself from trembling. She couldn’t fathom if it was from anger or his proximity. He grasped her hand and brought it to his lips. He apologized to her softly as his lips grazed her fingers.
“Elizabeth, I’m very sorry… I will write… I shall see you in two weeks.” He dropped her hand after squeezing it gently. He looked at her for a long time as if memorizing her lovely face. But she would not look at him. Instead, she had the unfortunate idea of glancing at the Worthingtons’ carriage where she could glimpse the triumphant expression spreading on the blonde’s face.
Insufferable woman! she fumed.
And then they were gone.
Elizabeth had also expressed her interest in learning about the tenants’ needs and she had even ventured some tentative visits under the caring tutelage of Mrs Reynolds. The acknowledgement of the true nature of the estate and the multitude of people under Darcy’s responsibility humbled her. She had married a man of great importance and great responsibilities. How could she have treated him so callously? As if he were no one of consequence? These thoughts made her also realize the depth of his regard for her. Had he not refused to act in accordance with his family’s sense of duty by marrying her? A woman of no fortune or connections?
Elizabeth stopped in the gallery where she had retreated to seek some coolness from the day’s heat. She stared longingly at her husband’s portrait. How she had misjudged such an honourable man! A true gentleman of the most generous nature… And she had spurned his love, his passionate regard for her, she trampled upon it! As she dwelled on her past mistakes, which she had been doing constantly since she had learned the truth, Elizabeth allowed herself to sink into a profound state of melancholy.
She sat on a window seat and leaned against the windowpane, closing her eyes for a respite. She sighed deeply and retrieved from her pocket the letters she had received two days ago. Her husband had sent an express on his arrival but he had kept to his promise and wrote her a letter. She perused it once more and could not prevent the brief disappointment that grasped her heart each time she read it. What had she expected from him? A billet-doux? After having treated him so cruelly? Nevertheless, she could not complain the gentle and polite tone of his script.
Madam,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and enjoying the grounds of Pemberley. London has been exceptionally hot these days and I find myself longing for the cool shades of our home.
I have been tending to the business that has claimed my presence in London and all is being accomplished satisfactorily. However, there are some loose ends to be met yet. I assure you I am working diligently so that I may return to you swiftly. Thus, I have no intentions of socializing whilst in town.
Doubt had flashed her mind every time she read it. I have no intentions of socializing whilst in town. Could he be telling the truth? He wasn’t visiting the Worthingtons? Elizabeth shuddered at the thought of the dreadful Isabella who shamelessly flaunted herself at Darcy. She felt insulted and disrespected and she couldn’t stop feeling a twinge of disappointment that her husband would not put an end to the woman’s distasteful flirtations. The mere thoughts regarding this subject left her flushed and ill-tempered. She resumed her reading.
The exception to my family and your dear Aunt and Uncle, Mr and Mrs Gardiner, with whom I had the pleasure to dine with last night. They have entreated me to convey to you their warmest regard.
If all goes well, I shall be returning to join you by the end of next week. I will collect Georgiana from my Uncle Matlock’s estate to bring her home to Pemberley. I know she is eager to become more acquainted with you and she hopes you will accept her as a dear sister. I know your affectionate and generous disposition will not fail her expectations. Your loyalty to those you love is a blessing I believe you will kindly bestow upon my beloved sister. Please allow me to anticipate the expression of my everlasting gratitude for your acceptance of my dear sister into your heart.
I humbly remain your faithful servant,
Fitzwilliam Darcy
She folded the letter carefully and put it in her lap. She retrieved the other and opened it to read it again. It was the longed for advice from her dear Aunt Madeline. Glancing at her husband’s portrait she felt a sudden emptiness in her heart. She now realized she missed Darcy. His absence was affecting her acutely and that confused her mind even more. She sighed deeply and started reading her Aunt’s letter once more.
My dearest Lizzy,
I dare say your letter has left me deeply concerned about your welfare. I only wish you had confided in me before your wedding. It might have saved you from some distress at least. But now you seek my advice, my dear, and I do hope I can provide you some, as well as a little comfort.
You have misled us all about your feelings toward Mr Darcy. I had assumed your lack of spirit and enthusiasm on the eve of your wedding as the natural consequence of the loss of your most beloved father. I truly believed you had an attachment towards your partner as I was well aware of your intention to marry only a man whom you could love and respect.
Having sacrificed your own personal happiness in exchange for your family’s security was a very high price to pay, my dear niece. Your husband has proved himself to be a very generous man. In fact, your Uncle’s dealings with him – regarding both Longbourn and Netherfield as well as your settlement and wedding arrangements – have been very revealing about Mr Darcy’s character. We believe him to be the most generous man of our acquaintance. And Lizzy, you do understand that he has done all for you alone. His love for you, I believe, is boundless.
I must tell you that I agree with you when you say that you have deceived him. When you accepted his proposal and you did not disclose your true feelings for him, you have willingly deceived him. I wonder about how dreadful that night must have been for the both of you, dearest Lizzy. I am sure you regret, by now, the harsh words you exchanged with your husband.
I must concede that his interference with Mr Bingley and our dear Jane was reproachable. But didn’t he interfere out of loyalty to his friend? Do we not know that Jane is too shy and protective of her feelings? To a stranger, as Mr Darcy, her attachment would not be as obvious as it was to those who knew her well. Can you not understand Mr Darcy’s actions? Would you not have done the same if it were the other way around? You would have certainly been fiercely protective towards your sister!
Lizzy, my dear, I do comprehend your animosity about his description of our family. But I need not tell you about your younger sisters’ behaviour or even your dear mother’s. It was wrong of him for sure, but did he not overcome that? He did marry you in spite of his objections and his love for you has led him to lavish upon your mother and sisters unbound generosity!
As for the account about Mr Wickham, I do understand your reluctance to disclose the entirety as you hold your husband’s confidence. We have certainly been utterly blinded by that man’s amiable manners. I understand you feel disappointed in yourself as you have misjudged both Wickham’s and Mr Darcy’s characters. But do not dwell on that, Lizzy. Do not be so harsh upon yourself. We all make mistakes and I am certain your husband can understand that.
As for the other matter which is upsetting you, my dear, I am not sure how to address it. So, I must be blunt. Forgive me if I embarrass you but I fear you need to be assured of some things. It seems your mother has done a very poor job in informing you about what is expected from a wife. Let me tell you that the union between a man and his wife need not be the unpleasant affair your mother described to you. Place your trust and your heart in your husband, my dear. The feelings you have described are natural and they can even be more intense when a couple is deeply in love and respect each other. These feelings that embarrass you are the true response of your body to your husband’s. From what I have observed in Mr Darcy, I believe he won’t be offended by what you call your “wantonness”. In fact, and forgive my boldness, my dearest, I think he would be very pleased as he seems to be a very quiet but intensely passionate man.
Thus, take care not to trifle with your husband’s love for you and open your heart and accept him. Look into your heart. I do believe, from what you have told me about this “fear of wantonness” that your heart has not been untouched by your husband. Allow yourself the time to truly know and accept him and let aside past grievances and harsh words exchanged in such bitter moments. Dwelling on the past does not solve problems, Elizabeth. Holding grudges will only damage the weak bond of your marriage.
Perhaps you both need time to digest what has happened between you and to let the feelings stirring within your heart mature, Lizzy. Forgive him and I do believe he will forgive you as well.
But I must write no more. The children have been wanting me this half hour.
Your loving Aunt,
M. GARDINER
Posted on Thursday, 25 May 2006
Elizabeth felt as if her heart was parched. She longed for some affection and attention. She missed Jane and her beloved father so much that it hurt. And now Pemberley felt as empty as her heart was. Darcy had left. And she missed him. Somehow she had developed feelings for her husband. Her aunt was right, wasn’t she? What did she write? “…your heart has not been untouched by your husband”. This emptiness that disturbed her… This longing for his presence… Could she be in love? She sighed and closed her eyes tightly, weary of all the unsettling feelings that rushed through her ever since that fateful day at the Hunsford parsonage.
Mrs Gardiner’s letter had affected Elizabeth more than she had expected to. She knew she would have to face her situation and the truth of her feelings and take a step forward. Otherwise, their life would be utterly miserable.
Did he no longer want anything from her? Elizabeth feared this separation. But the tone of his letter had filled her with a tiny glimpse of hope. He was away from her in London and planning to return in a week. Once returned, what would happen? How would he face her? How should she face him? Would she be condemned to being an estranged wife? The doubts raced through her mind leaving her dizzy and even more confused than before.
“Stop it, Lizzy!” she scolded herself. “You need to put your life in order. This is so unlike me to be moping over the past.” She glanced again at her husband’s portrait and sighed nervously. In a sudden fit of energy she left the gallery, heading towards her sitting-room. “I’m writing to my Aunt and then I shall write to him.”
“The post, Madam”. The footman extended his arm placing the silver platter within her reach.
“Thank you, James.” She answered quietly as she set down her pen and grasped the envelopes.
“Two letters from Jane!” she whispered as she broke the seal. Elizabeth eagerly drank her beloved sister’s words. She had missed her sorely! Even her mother! She perused her letter and her pleasure quickly shifted into embarrassment…
I am ashamed to tell you, dear Lizzy, that Mama has been behaving quite strangely lately. She no longer complains of her nerves and flutterings as she did in the past. And despite the fact that we are still in mourning, she is always eager to visit upon her friends and receive everyone here at Netherfield. I have never seen her hosting some many tea and dinner parties in my life! I have written to our Aunt Gardiner and I do hope she will attend to my request. I have asked our dear Aunt and Uncle to come to visit us. I am very worried about our Mother.
…and then astonishment…
Since writing my last letter to you, Mama has allowed Lydia to go to Brighton. The whole regiment has left Meryton and gone to the seaside. Lydia was invited as Mrs Forster’s particular companion. I imagine you are as surprised as I was when she permitted her to go and even encouraged her to attend all the parties and balls she could. I fear Mama is not well. How can she behave so improperly? Our beloved father has only passed away three months ago and she and our younger sisters are disregarding the mourning period. I do hope Lydia will not make a spectacle of herself while in Brighton.
…and then horror…
Since writing the above, dearest Lizzy, something has occurred of a most unexpected and serious nature; but I am afraid of alarming you -- be assured that we are all well. What I have to say relates to Lydia. An express came a moment ago, from Colonel Forster, to inform us that she has eloped with one of his officers; to own the truth, with Wickham! Imagine our surprise. To Kitty, however, it does not seem so wholly unexpected. So imprudent a match on both sides! But I am willing to hope the best, and that they must be deeply in love.
They were off Saturday night about twelve, as is conjectured, but were not missed till yesterday morning at eight. The express was sent off directly. Colonel Forster had also informed us that Lydia left a few lines for his wife informing her of her intention. I have already written to my dear uncle and aunt to aid Colonel Forster instantly and to try to discover her.
I must conclude, for I cannot be long from my poor mother. I am afraid you will not be able to make it out, but I hardly know what I have written.
Without allowing herself time for consideration, and scarcely knowing what she felt, Elizabeth, on finishing this letter, instantly seized the other, and opening it with great impatience. It had been written a day later than the conclusion of the first.
By this time, my dearest sister, you have received my hurried letter. My head is so bewildered that I cannot answer for being coherent. Dearest Lizzy, I hardly know what I would write, but I have bad news for you, and it cannot be delayed. Imprudent as a marriage between Mr Wickham and our poor Lydia would be, we are now anxious to be assured it has taken place, for there is but too much reason to fear they are not gone to Scotland.
“I knew it! Foolish Lydia!” she cried as her tears tumbled down her face.
Colonel Forster came yesterday, having left Brighton the day before, not many hours after the express. Though Lydia's short letter to Mrs Forster gave them to understand that they were going to Gretna Green, something was dropped by Denny expressing his belief that Wickham never intended to go there, or to marry Lydia at all, which was repeated to Colonel Forster, who, instantly set off from Brighton intending to trace their route. He did trace them easily to Clapham, but no farther. All that is known after this is that they were seen to continue the London road.
I know not what to think. After making every possible enquiry on that side of London, Colonel Foster came on to Longbourn, and broke his apprehensions to us in a manner most creditable to his heart. Our distress, my dear Lizzy, is very great. My mother believes the worst, but I cannot think so ill of him. Many circumstances might make it more eligible for them to be married privately in town than to pursue their first plan; and even if he could form such a design against a young woman of Lydia's connections, which is not likely, can I suppose her so lost to everything? -- Impossible. I grieve to find, however, that Colonel Forster is not disposed to depend upon their marriage; he shook his head when I expressed my hopes, and said he feared Wickham was not a man to be trusted. Could it be true? He is such an amiable young gentleman, but not to be trusted, dear Lizzy?
“Oh Jane, only if you knew what a scoundrel he is… And there is no hope! What will happen to all of us?”
My poor mother is really ill and keeps her room. Could she exert herself it would be better, but this is not to be expected. Poor Kitty has anger for having concealed their attachment; but as it was a matter of confidence, one cannot wonder. I am truly glad, dearest Lizzy, that you have been spared something of these distressing scenes. Mama earnestly begs you to ask for Mr Darcy’s assistance as soon as possible. I do believe, dear sister, that Mr Darcy’s advice and assistance would be everything in the world; he will immediately comprehend what I must feel, and I rely upon his goodness.
Elizabeth stood up and started pacing her room in a frantic manner. The horror of Lydia’s situation, knowing that she willingly threw her future and her safety into the hands of such a man! Wickham… Darcy’s enemy! The very man who slandered the Darcy name and who attempted to ruin a sweet girl’s reputation and now he had ruined Lydia’s! And by association she has tarnished all her family and even Darcy’s good name! How could she ask for her husband’s assistance? Would she dare to?
“He will never forgive me now…” she whispered surrendering to her misery.
Darcy stood in front of the window gazing into the darkness that covered London. The books that filled his library did not arrest his attention that night. His heart was full of longing for Elizabeth and his head was still pounding from the meeting he had before supper with Bingley. He had not informed his wife about the nature of his business in London. If he had, she would have learnt that Bingley was his top priority ever since that fateful night in her bedroom.
As he had expected, the meeting did not go well. Despite his amiable and cheerful nature, Bingley reacted furiously at his friend’s disclosure. Darcy told him all: his interference in separating him from Jane Bennet, the concealment of Mr Bennet’s death, the loss of Longbourn and the Netherfield purchase and his own marriage to Elizabeth. He revealed all in full detail to his friend. Each word uttered, to his dismay, seemed to have the effect of blows upon Bingley’s countenance. He had never seen him so livid and cold. He remained silent for too long, Darcy thought. But when he spoke…
“Why Darcy?” he inquired irately.
“I-I am utterly sorry, Bingley.” Darcy started uncertainly. “I felt I was doing a favour to a friend.”
“A favour? A favour to a friend?” Bingley spat interrupting him.
“Yes! I believed Miss Bennet’s heart was untouched. I did not want you to come into a loveless marriage!” He closed his eyes and repeated to himself a loveless marriage as I am in.
“Thank you, Darcy! I am exceedingly obliged. Thank you for destroying my life!” He approached him and stared icily into Darcy’s dark eyes. “I thought you abhorred any sort of disguise and deceit. It seems I have been mistaken about your character! What a fool I have been!”
“I-I am ashamed of my actions, Bingley. My arrogance and conceit led me to act in such an abhorrent manner. I should not have done so and for that I beg your forgiveness.” He looked at his friend hoping that some day he would be able to forgive him. He softly added, “I have been told that Miss Jane Bennet is not indifferent to you. In fact, she has been suffering ever since you left Netherfield.”
“Are you a mind reader, now, Darcy?” he replied sarcastically. “Who told you? Your wife?”
“Yes, Elizabeth has told me. She is distressed on her sister’s behalf.”
“I must go. I can’t bear to see you now, Darcy.” Bingley looked away trying to control his emotions. “Answer me this, though. Are you happy?”
Darcy gazed at his friend and dropped his mask of self-control. His mournful eyes betrayed his sorrow. He answered quietly, “No, I am not happy, Bingley.”
Bingley looked at him sharply and quickly replied, “Well that makes the two of us. Thank you, Darcy.” And with those last words he left the Darcy townhouse.
Darcy groaned as he recalled the harsh conversation. He had lost Bingley’s friendship and it pained him. He swallowed the brandy left in his glass and grabbed to bottle to pour some more. “I will drown this pain and forget everything…” he muttered between his clenched teeth. But before he could pour the liquid, the library door opened abruptly and in came the butler with an express in his hands.
Darcy recognised immediately Elizabeth’s handwriting. He tore the letter open and noticed another enclosed inside. He set that one aside and eagerly drank her words.
My dear husband,
I hope this letter finds you in good health. I am afraid I cannot say that all is well though. Be not alarmed, I am well and everyone here at Pemberley is in good health.
I have just received a letter from Jane of a most alarming nature. My foolish sister Lydia, who had been allowed to go to Brighton as Mrs Foster’s companion, has left her friends and eloped with an officer. I dread writing the name, sir… I am deeply ashamed to say that she has eloped with Mr Wickham. I am well aware, sir, of how much you despise the man. But can I dare to entreat you sir to come to aid to my poor family? I am sending enclosed Jane’s letter so that you can read her account of the events. My Uncle Gardiner seems to be assisting Colonel Forster in their search but I fear the outcome.
I am well aware that you have already been extremely generous to my family and that I have become a disappointment to you, dear sir. And now, once again, I am mortified to subject you to this sordid affair. Were it not your own honour and good name be soiled by this affair, I would never have put this upon you. I also fear the impact of all this on your dear sister, Georgiana.
I am eager to become more acquainted with your sister. Thank you for your kind words to me but they are undeserving. I look forward to your return as Pemberley seems to be empty and despondent since you have left. Please allow me to anticipate my gratitude for I know enough of your generous disposition that you will come to aid my poor sister.
I humbly remain your loyal wife,
Elizabeth Darcy
Darcy folded the letters in deep thought and left the library in haste. There is a lot to be done! There isn’t an instant to be lost! And as he dashed up the stairs his heart swelled with the tiny hope her letter had inspired him. Dearest, how I long for you!
Posted on Wednesday, 31 May 2006
As Elizabeth roamed through Pemberley’s halls and groves, she kept telling her heart to quiet down. The distress surrounding Lydia’s elopement had affected her profoundly. Her nights were restless and her days were spent in weary dazedness. She felt so lonely and utterly hopeless.
She scolded herself for feeling so despondent. Her husband had managed to rescue her family once again. He had sent an express days ago informing her of Lydia and Wickham’s discovery and that they would be wed in three days time. That fateful event had occurred ten days ago. Elizabeth could not but feel sorry for her sister despite her foolishness. Her fate was now irreversibly tied to a man of no honour. She feared for her sister’s well being.
Thoughts of her husband aroused in her a bitter mixture of longing and anxiety. She missed him, of that she was certain. But she also dreaded his return. How would they face each other after their separation? Would he despise her and be angry at her because of Lydia’s folly?
As she returned to the drawing-room, Elizabeth reminded herself of her resolution. She would follow her Aunt’s advice. She picked up her sewing basket and settled down in the window seat. She had been embroidering a series of handkerchiefs for her husband. She lightly caressed the monogram she had created entwined with discreet sweet williams. Would he be pleased with them? She dearly hoped so.
Her reverie was interrupted by loud voices in the hall. She could hear Mrs Reynolds upset tone and the others seemed vaguely familiar. But before she could recognise any of them, the door swung open. She stared in shock at the visitors.
“Lydia! Mr Wickham!” she shouted astonished. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh Lizzy! Did you think you would keep all this wealth just to yourself? I hope not!” Lydia dashed around the room fawning over the furniture and art pieces. She joined her husband and embraced him as she looked over her shoulder eyeing her sister. “Well, Lizzy,” she added, “and what do you think of my husband? Is not he a charming man? I am sure my sisters must all envy me, even you, Lizzy. They should have gone to Brighton. That is the place to get husbands. What a pity it is, Lizzy, that they didn’t go too… Even Mamma could have found a husband as well!”
“Lydia!” Elizabeth gasped horrified.
“Madam, I do hope you welcome your new brother…” he said seductively as he grasped Elizabeth’s hand and kissed it.
She acknowledged him icily and roughly withdrew her hand from his grasp. “May I inquire the reason of this most unexpected visit, sir?”
Wickham eyed her surprised. He had expected a warmer reception from her. Had she not fancied him? Even Lydia had told him so. “Well, my dear Mrs Darcy, we are on our way to Newcastle… and Lydia expressed her wish of seeing you on our way. Well, I will be on commission there for the next two years…”
“I see.” She curtly interrupted him. “Shall I ring for tea then?”
“Oh Lizzy! Don’t you see? We want to stay!” And Lydia squealed in full enthusiasm. “Maybe you could even throw a ball to celebrate our wedding! Wouldn’t that be grand, Wicky dear?” She dashed towards her husband and threw herself on his lap unceremoniously.
Elizabeth could only but stare at her sister in utter contempt. Lydia was Lydia still; untamed, unabashed, wild, noisy, and fearless. She had no regard for propriety at all! She felt nauseated with such shameless lack of decorum. How dared they impose themselves on her? Such disrespect of her husband’s home? She closed her eyes in disgust and breathed deeply attempting to regain control of herself.
“Lydia!” she chastised her. “Have you forgotten that I have not issued an invitation and, as far as the ball is concerned, we are still in mourning!”
“Lord! Don’t be such a bore, Lizzy! No one cares for such things nowadays. I want to have fun!” she pouted.
“My dear sister,” Wickham interrupted. “We would enjoy your company for a few days greatly, would we not, darling Lydia?”
Lydia nodded affirmatively and planted a kiss on her husband’s mouth. Elizabeth looked away in disgust.
Wickham caught her gesture but mistook it as a jealous reaction on her part. He grinned seductively at her and continued, “We were always good friends; and now we are better… Are we not, dear sister?”
Elizabeth looked at him seriously. The gall of the man! How dared he?
“True.” She replied sharply. “Unfortunately your plans will have to change. You will understand that I shall only have you for tea. You must continue your journey.”
“Oh Lizzy! But we can’t travel at night! And I want to stay!” Lydia stood up and stomped her feet.
Glancing towards the windows, Elizabeth realised that the evening was swiftly approaching. They had calculated well when to arrive, she thought. She fumed inwardly and conceded that they would be allowed to stay for supper but they should leave early morning, right after breakfast.
Lydia whined “But Lizzy, we…”
“Tomorrow, Mr Wickham, you shall leave to Newcastle.” She declared coldly. She inwardly cringed, hoping her husband would forgive her for allowing their presence at Pemberley. The situation was hateful but she needed to be practical about it. She could not send her own sister away travelling through the night. It wouldn’t be safe and she could not refuse her in good conscious.
Displeased with the outcome, Wickham could do nothing but accept staying only for the night. He silenced Lydia by pinching her arm and mellifluously thanked their hostess. “Mrs Darcy, we thank you. We are exceedingly obliged for your gracious hospitality.”
Elizabeth acknowledged him and sighed in utter despair. This will be a long night, indeed.
The morning did not come as fast as she wanted. And her guests seemed to be lingering on over breakfast as long as possible. Elizabeth quietly observed her sister and Wickham as they eagerly swallowed their food. Lydia’s open flirtation towards her husband and his overt caresses disgusted her. How could they be so vulgar? She shivered as a wave of nausea flowed through her body.
She winced as she thought how right Darcy had been about her family’s ill behaviour. Lydia was wilder and louder than ever. She had no respect for herself or for her father’s death. She did not care at all that she had nearly ruined her entire family. “Stupid, stupid girl!” she repeated to herself.
Memories of the previous evening were constantly on her mind making her feel even more ill. Her sister’s wild behaviour and Wickham’s repulsive seduction affronted her. He even congratulated her for having married wisely. A blunt innuendo implying she had married Darcy for his money! But Elizabeth instantly grimaced as she recalled that had been her ulterior motive… her family’s security.
Wickham had been trying to regain Elizabeth’s favour but rather unsuccessfully. The night before she dined in silence and then retired early forcing them to go to their rooms too soon for his taste.
He ignored Lydia’s babbling as he perused her sister’s figure. It seemed that her marital state had rendered Elizabeth even more beautiful than he remembered. There was a certain glow about her and her body seemed more curvaceous and supple. Her skin seemed softer and creamier… If I could touch her… Oh that would be exquisite, wouldn’t it, Darcy? If I could seduce her… he wondered with a sly grin on his face. Unconsciously he licked his lips as he glared at her. But she is too proper for her own good, he thought. But, perhaps, I can turn her against Darcy… Yes, he certainly was jealous when he had seen us together at Longbourn, just before her wedding...
“Tell me, dear sister, when are you expecting Darcy’s return?” he inquired feigning an aloof disposition.
“As I told you last night, sir, he shall return very soon.”
“Well, Lizzy, if I were you, I would be glad that he was away! He is so boring and dreadfully serious! You should have got a husband like my dear Wicky! What a laugh!”
“Darcy seems to be enjoying town. When we last saw him…”
“Yes, Lizzy! We saw him strolling in the park with this beautiful lady! I wonder who she was…”
Elizabeth paled. Her husband… with a lady? Could it be…?
“I dare say, she was quite elegant but not as much as me! She had blond hair and she was wearing a blue dress though its lace was not as b-…”
Elizabeth stopped listening to her sister’s babbling. It could be Mrs Worthington from her description. But then, it could be Georgiana as well. Lydia doesn’t know her but Wickham does… But he remained silent and had not disclosed if he was acquainted with the woman at all. She chose to be silent as well. She had enough on her mind for now, to be thinking of that woman!
Weariness fell upon Elizabeth as she stared at her sister. What a sad fate awaits her, she thought. Wickham’s affection for Lydia was just what she had expected to find it; not equal to Lydia’s for him. She had scarcely needed her present observation to be satisfied. Lydia was exceedingly fond of him. He was her dear Wickham on every occasion; no one was to be put in competition with him. He was the best in the world. How blind I have been? How could I have considered my husband a man of no honour? Her eyes brimmed with tears and hurriedly she attempted to conceal them.
“Oh Lizzy! Why do we have to leave?” Lydia whined again. “You are so selfish! I want to stay!” And she threw her cutlery against her plate in frustration.
Elizabeth flushed in anger at such childish display. She was exhausted with her sister’s behaviour. She stood up and trembled with fury. “Lydia! That is enough!”
Before Wickham could say a word, the door to the breakfast room opened. Elizabeth turned to face it. She swayed in shock at seeing her own husband. Darcy stood there livid and appalled at the sight of Wickham.
Darcy’s mind reeled. He could not believe what he was seeing… Wickham at Pemberley! Wickham with Elizabeth! His wrath blinded him as he walked into the room. Oblivious to his surroundings, he forgot that his sister was behind him. Elizabeth gasped in horror as she observed Georgiana’s livid face. The poor girl turned away and ran off. What have I done? She thought nervously. She wrung her hands in great despair and started shivering greatly. She couldn’t even dare to meet her husband’s gaze.
“What is the meaning of this, Mrs Darcy?” he shouted at her.
Elizabeth refused to look at him. She attempted to collect herself, and hesitatingly, she explained, “I-I… You, see, sir… My sister arrived yesterday and they…” She swallowed nervously as she grasped hold of the table. She felt sinking into a dizzy spell as cold sweat covered her skin.
“Come now, Darcy!” Wickham interrupted. “Is that the way to welcome an old friend and your new brother!” He laughed nervously.
“How dare you set foot in this house?” Darcy yelled at him. “Get out immediately! I have warned you already to stay away from my family, Wickham!”
“You can’t forbid Lydia from seeing her sister… And dear Elizabeth is my sister now! We are all one big happy family!” He grinned sarcastically.
“Wickham! How dare you?” Darcy paced towards him, alarming Elizabeth. She raced after him but suddenly collapsed on the floor as a severe pain pierced her body and she sank into darkness.
Posted on Thursday, 1 June 2006
Darcy paced the corridor frantically as he waited for the doctor’s diagnosis. He desperately weaved his fingers through his unruly curls. His face was dark and unreadable. He knew he should control himself. It would not do to be in such distress when he faced Elizabeth and even for his sister’s sake. He looked at Georgiana who was leaning against the wall. She looked very pale and he could see she was frightened. Her misery over Elizabeth’s state and their confrontation with Wickham was written all over her sweet face.
The mere thought of that man having the audacity to set foot in Pemberley! And addressing his wife! Once again anger flushed on his face and hardened his jaw and fists. “Oh Elizabeth!” he mumbled in despair. How could I have yelled at you, dearest one? His eyes flooded with unshed tears and his frame slumped as he recalled his wife’s cry in pain. She had collapsed at his feet and he had felt desperately hopeless and guilty. And the horror! The horror that seeped in his soul as he felt the warm moistness of her blood dampening her dress and his shirt as he carried her to her room. What if she would d-d… Stop! I cannot bear the idea of losing her! It cannot be!
In his sudden outburst of despair, Darcy banged his head against the wall. Georgiana started crying as she took in her brother’s agony. Immediately regretting giving in to such behaviour, Darcy rushed towards his sister and held her tightly in his arms, cuddling her and whispering words of assurance and hope in Elizabeth’s recovery.
The door opened abruptly and out came the doctor. Darcy hastened to approach him but he was unable to utter a word, thus he glared at him questioningly.
“She is well now, Mr Darcy. She is resting. Time will heal her body and her spirit. Allow me to express my deepest sympathy for your loss, sir.”
“S-s-she is well? Is it certain?” he stuttered worried about her. But then confusion clouded his beautiful dark eyes. “Loss? What do you mean Mr Thompson? I don’t understand!”
“I’m afraid she has lost your child, sir. It was unfortunate… but a miscarriage is a common occurrence, Mr Darcy. Especially at such an early stage.”
“A child?” he mumbled astonished. “She was carrying a child? B-but… how, I mean… when…”
The doctor observed him closely. He was as surprised as his wife had been. It was clear to him that the both of them had not noticed her pregnancy which was quite natural as it was still at an early stage. He faced the young man and told him,
“Well, sir, Mrs Darcy was only a few weeks along her condition. She hadn’t realized she was with child yet. As I have said before, a miscarriage is unfortunately a common event. However, I assure you she is well and she will be able to conceive again. There is no reason to fear the opposite, sir.”
Darcy stared at him in silence.
“She needs to rest and not to be disturbed. I have left several recommendations with Mrs Reynolds. I shall come to see her tomorrow again. There should be no reason for concern but please call me if you feel the need, sir.”
Georgiana swiftly accompanied the doctor out as she realized her brother was unable to attend anything beyond his heart’s desire: Elizabeth. He hesitantly approached her door and entered the chamber. It was kept dark so that the mistress of Pemberley could rest.
Darcy stood beside her bed as he watched his wife’s fragile frame lying there. She looked so small and so young and so pale! Even though she was sleeping, he could see that she was not resting peacefully. She was frowning and twitching nervously on occasion. He sat on the bed as he enveloped her with his loving glance. How he loved her! And he had failed her! He had not been there to prevent Wickham from disturbing her!
He reached for her hand and enfolded it with his. He tenderly kissed her fingers, her palm and wrist as he repeatedly whispered “I love you” and “Forgive me” mingled with his tears.
“Elizabeth, my dearest little one…” he whispered sobbing quietly. “I am so sorry, my love.” He hesitated for a moment but dared to touch and caress her abdomen.
He gently laid his hand on her belly where their child had been. His touch seemed to have a soothing effect on her as her frowned expression gradually softened and her stirring ceased. She was sleeping peacefully then. He leaned over her and could not stop himself from brushing his lips on hers. The comforting rhythm of her breathing lulled him to a deep slumber close to his wife.
Darcy was determined to put the Wickham subject away from his mind. He had even been spared the need to have him removed from Pemberley. When Elizabeth fainted, he had cowardly rushed out with Lydia and hadn’t even looked back. Mrs Reynolds had also explained to him what had occurred and he was informed that Elizabeth had shown reluctance in allowing them to stay.
Elizabeth was recovering slowly but the doctor was confident that she would be well enough soon. However, Darcy was worried about the sadness and desolation mirrored in her eyes. They had managed to talk quietly about the unfortunate event. Their fateful loss seemed to bring them closer though. What a price to pay, he thought as he recalled their quiet moments together.
He seemed unable to be away from her. Even if he was still uncertain about her feelings toward him. As long as she expressed no revulsion, he would not move from her side. He glanced at the clock in his library and calculated that she should probably have finished her light supper by then. Thus, without a second thought, he raced towards her room.
Darcy entered the room and his eyes fell immediately upon Elizabeth. She was reclining against the pillows as she talked softly to Georgiana. His heart swelled as he observed their gentle interaction. He was proud of the manner his little sister took great care of his wife. And Elizabeth had obviously accepted her in her generous heart.
As he approached them quietly, Darcy noticed that the tray with her supper remained almost intact. He frowned in worry. “Mrs Darcy? Has cook’s supper displeased you?” he asked softly.
“No, sir. It is just… I find myself not hungry…” she replied sadly.
Georgiana stood up and quickly wished good night to her brother and sister, retiring to her rooms. Darcy looked at his wife expectantly, assessing her demeanour… Did she wish him gone too? He wondered.
But Elizabeth raised her head and met his gaze with her tearful one. She tried to smile at him but failed and looked away.
“Is something wrong?” he asked concerned. He sat on the bed beside her and touched her arm. “Shall I call the doctor?”
She quietly denied the need for medical attention. She turned her face away again as she added “I must be a gross disappointment to you, sir. All that happened between us… and now the babe…” Unable to restrain her tears, they flowed freely down her pale cheeks as she sobbed.
He cupped her face with his hands and gently turned it to him. “No, no Elizabeth! Never say that again!” He fervently told her. “You are all that is lovely and good. You are very precious to me!” He looked away and added reluctantly, “It is I that I am disappointed at! I have failed you when I had vowed to protect you. It was my pride that sent me away to London and I wasn’t here to prevent Wickham from distressing you!”
“Do not say that, sir!” she cried. She took hold of his hands and gently squeezed them. “You have not failed me! How could you have known that he would come here? And he is my brother now… How you must despise me for that! Connected to the very man whose only goal is to wound you! Now you must truly despise my family!”
“No, Elizabeth! It is my fault! If it were not for my selfish pride, I could have exposed the scoundrel months ago! And he would not have wronged your sister!”
“Please, William!” she pleaded. She reached his face and stroke it tenderly. He startled surprised at her address and caress and stared at her in wonder.
“You, you called me William…” he whispered in awe. He drew her closer to him and closed his eyes relishing in her warmth and sweet scent.
Rising her teary face, Elizabeth smiled shyly at him. She added archly, “Is that not your name, sir? Or would you prefer Fitzwilliam, Mr Darcy?”
He looked into her uncertain eyes and then whispered into her hair “How I dearly love you, my precious little one!”
His declaration disturbed her and he sensed it. But he decided to ignore it and held her closer to his heart. A moment later, he gently relinquished his hold of her and withdrew from her bed. The longing in his eyes urged her to ask him to stay with her. Her request surprised him but he quickly drew her into his arms and held her tightly until she fell asleep. Not long afterwards, he surrendered as well and dozed off into a blissful rest.
A loud commotion was heard outside her chamber. Georgiana and Elizabeth looked at each other questioningly. But before being able to say a word, the door opened violently and Lady Catherine swept in the room.
“Miss Bennet!” she shouted. “You have no doubt why my presence is needed here!” She set her cold defiant eyes on her.
Elizabeth closed the book she was reading and placed it on the bed. She sighed deeply and exasperated replied,
“Lady Catherine, you surely must know, by now, that I no longer answer to that name.”
“Such impertinence I will no tolerate! In my eyes, you will never bear the Darcy name! That title belongs to my daughter! You, with your arts and allurements have ensnared my nephew! He has forgot all his duties to his family…”
“Lady Catherine!” she cried insulted. “I will not…”
“A report of the most alarming nature has reached me two days ago. I need to know Miss Bennet! Have you or have you not miscarried a Darcy child? Is this report true?”
Georgiana gasped in horror. How could her aunt be so unfeeling? She rose quickly from the window seat and rang the bell for Mrs Reynolds’s assistance.
Elizabeth had turned her face away. As if her pain for losing the child were not enough, she had to bear the abuse and insolence of this obnoxious woman. Unable to meet the defiant gaze of the woman, she answered softly.
“Aye, madam. It is the sad truth.” Grief was stricken on her beautiful pale face.
“Well, that just confirms what I have thought all along! You, Miss Bennet, are a disgrace to our family! I warned you in my letter to you. But you, unselfish girl, refused to oblige me! Had you not married him…”
“Lady Catherine, I do not understand what you are trying to tell me!”
“Enough!” she yelled. “I have come here expressly to tell you that you have just proven to us all your own degradation.” Her satisfaction was marked on her fierce countenance and her smug grin.
“How so, Lady Catherine? Pray, tell me, how have I brought this degradation to this family?” she spat angrily as her patience towards the woman faded quickly.
“How dare you question me? Do you know who I am? You are of inferior birth! Well, even your body, your own nature, has refused to carry the noble blood of our family, Miss Bennet! Is that not proof enough? You are unfit to deliver a Darcy!”
Elizabeth looked ashen from utter shock. Each word the formidable Lady Catherine thrashed at her caved into her mind, branding her spirit with the guilt of having lost an innocent life. She wept silently as she shivered from the shock that wracked her recovering body.
“You shall never be able to deliver him an heir! I am certain of it! Darcy will then shun you, my dear! I shall see to it!”
“THAT IS ENOUGH, MADAM!” Darcy shouted as he dashed into the room. “Leave immediately, Lady Catherine! You are no longer welcome!”
“How dare you speak to me in such a manner? Have you lost your senses nephew? This shall not be borne!”
Darcy glanced at his wife. She was as pale as a ghost and shuddering. Her frail figure was slumping amidst the pillows. How could he let this happen to her? Once again he failed… he had not protected her! He turned to his aunt and grabbed her arm roughly. He pushed her out of the door without any mercy.
“Mrs Reynolds, show this woman the door immediately!” he shouted.
“You will regret this, Fitzwilliam!” she yelled at him.
He slammed the door, shutting his aunt out of the room. He could hear her protests fading away in the corridor as the servants led her out. Facing his wife, he was shocked to see her in a miserable state. She had collapsed on her bed and was shivering with pain.
“Georgie! Tell Mrs Reynolds to send for the doctor immediately!” He ran towards Elizabeth as his sister went for help. He knelt by the bed and grabbed her hands. He tried to calm her as he caressed her face and hands tenderly. But Elizabeth’s sobbing seemed to increase with his gentleness towards her.
“She is gone, Elizabeth. Please be calm, my love…” He sat on the bed and pulled her into his strong embrace, her body snugly fitting against his. He whispered endearments into her ear and he kissed her hair lovingly. But Elizabeth would not calm down. She repeatedly murmured “I’m not worthy” between her heartfelt sobs. “I’m not worthy.”