Jump to new as of April 14, 2005
Prologue
"So Doctor, how long must I be forced to stay abed this time?" asked Lizzie lying not so patiently as she awaited the results of the doctor's examination.
"I am afraid Miss Elizabeth that it is a little more serious than bed rest can cure," the doctor, an old family friend, paused as he worked up the courage to deliver the ill tidings to a young woman he had watched grow and treated for the past twenty years. "The pain in your side is due to a tumour in your abdomen, I'm sorry Lizzie there is nothing I can do."
Stunned she lay there trying to get her mind to acknowledge the doctor's words but it continued to deny them, "surely there is something you can do, some medicine that can help me?!"
"I'm so sorry but there is no treatment for your condition, all cases inevitably lead to..."
"death" she uttered tonelessly finishing the sentence that he could not. Deceptively calm she turned to him again and asked, "how long, how long have I got left?"
"It is difficult to say, a few months, possibly more, certainly no more than a year"
"So little time. Oh how can I tell dear Jane, Papa! No they must not know, doctor you must promise me to tell no one of my condition, I want my remaining time to be happy and not overshadowed by worries over my health."
Bowing his head in acquiescence, a single tear escaped as he whispered a further apology before leaving the room.
Chapter One
Elizabeth sat in the parlour awaiting the arrival of the lady of the house, and wondered at what had brought her there today. She had convinced her family that she had merely pulled a muscle during one of her more strenuous walks and they had accepted it without a word. For many days she had escaped the house to express her sorrows in solitude, she still couldn't quite comprehend the circumstances that had brought her to this point. After much contemplation she realised that time was short and that she must make amends to those she had insulted and try to bring some happiness into the lives of those she loved, so that she could die happy. It had taken little convincing to get her father to allow her to visit her aunt and uncle Gardiner in London, attributing the visit to a wish to see a recently married acquaintance who had written to her.
On arriving in London she had inquired with the servants as to the address of the Darcys and been directed to a house on Grosvenor Street. It had taken a lot of perseverance to get past the butler who had answered the door as he claimed that Mr Darcy was not receiving visitors, even if it was important. Refusing to admit defeat she had asked to see his sister and now awaited her arrival in the parlour, anxious as to how much resistance she would find in her. Her thoughts were interrupted as a tall, blonde young woman entered the room and looked at her in confusion.
"Miss Bennet, I do not believe we have ever met?"
"No indeed Miss Darcy but I have heard much of you from your brother and cousin."
"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit then Miss Bennet?"
"I wished to speak with Mr Darcy, it is very important and your butler would not let me enter. I was hoping that I could prevail on your kind nature to assist me in acquiring an audience with him."
"I am sorry Miss Bennet but my brother is currently occupied by matters of business in his study and cannot be interrupted."
"Surely he can afford a few minutes to see me" she pleaded.
"I am sorry but it is not possible, maybe if you were to return later in the week."
"I do not have that much time"
Miss Darcy merely shook her head and motioned her out of the parlour and into the hall where she noticed the only door that was closed and deduced that this was the study. Without heeding Miss Darcy's words she moved to enter the room.
* * *
Mr Darcy looked up as he heard the door to the study being opened and the noise of voices in the hall. He couldn't believe his eyes when the object of his continually tortured thoughts since Hunsford entered the room and if it weren't for the panicked look of his sister he would have believed it a dream.
"I'm sorry Fitzwilliam but she insisted she had to speak to you and would not leave without doing so"
Unable to take his eyes off the figure of his beloved he dismissed his sister, "it's alright, Georgiana, I will speak to Miss Bennet if she wishes." Miss Darcy left the room closing the door behind her.
Both parties stood there in awkward silence as they contemplated the other. Elizabeth felt all her courage leave her as she was confronted by the dishevelled man before her. Gone was the fastidious man she had encountered in Hertfordshire to be replaced by this desperate creature, and it was all her fault.
"So Miss Bennet have you come to list my many other faults that you failed to mention when we last met or have you come to regret rejecting a man of 10,000 a year!"
"It is not your faults I have come to list, but mine" she replied quietly, "I was blind and prejudiced, I let my wounded pride cloud my judgement and it led me to hurt a most worthy gentleman, for that I am truly sorry. If it is within your heart to forgive me, I would wish to become friends"
"Forgive you, and why would I do that Elizabeth? You have no idea of the pain and the anguish you have caused me. And then to hear you ask for friendship when you know my whole being craves more!"
Elizabeth watched as he threw her apology back in her face and felt a feeling of despair wash over her, tears trickled down her face. Rallying she looked up at him with tear filled eyes and knew that even if she had been able to live till she was an old woman she would never love another as she did him. Understanding this it gave her the strength to utter the next words.
"Perhaps it is best that you forget me, my love would only cause you pain in the end"
"Forget you! What do you think I have been trying to do ever since I met you?!"
Feeling that it would serve no purpose for her to remain any longer, she turned to walk out the door when realisation dawned on Darcy.
"Your love, what do you mean your love?" he bounded across the room and grabbed hold of her arm, preventing her from leaving, he turned her round so that he was looking into her eyes. "Elizabeth do you love me?"
Elizabeth studied him for a minute taking in his noble mien, his intense soulful eyes and the look of pleading that was spread across his face mingled with a spark of hope that nearly broke her heart.
Softly she whispered, "With all my heart"
Part Two
Overwhelmed by her answer, Darcy pulled her into his embrace as tears pricked the corners of his eyes. Elizabeth clung to him seeking the comfort she had denied herself for so long, sobs wracking her body. They stood there secure in each others arms, unwilling to move lest it be revealed as nothing but a bittersweet dream.
Eventually coming to her senses, Elizabeth realised she couldn't allow herself to succumb to the intoxicating power of his embrace. She reined her mind in from envisioning dreams of a life with the man she loved. There would be no happy ending for her. Extricating herself from his arms she turned away in order to summon the courage she knew she would need to face him.
Unaware of her shift in mood, Darcy could contain his joy no longer, erupting in almost hysterical laughter.
"You have no idea how happy you have made me, Elizabeth! I shall travel to Hertfordshire first thing tomorrow to speak to your father" he exclaimed.
"Stop..." Elizabeth began in a whisper.
"Oh how silly of me. I do believe love has addled my brains, I have got ahead of myself, but I shall correct that directly. Dearest, loveliest Elizabeth, will you do me the great honour of consenting to be my wife?"
Marshalling all the strength she could, she uttered the four words she knew would break his heart, "I can't, I can't marry you"
Shocked, Darcy just stood there staring at her back unable to fully comprehend her words.
"I don't understand, you said you loved me, why can't you marry me? Unless..." he continued choking on the words. "Unless you are promised to someone else."
Hearing the intense pain in his voice she turned back to him, laying a hand on his arm to help ease the blow.
"No, I am promised to no one," she replied sadly.
Confused, Darcy could only repeat himself plaintively, "you said you loved me"
"I know, it was wrong of me, I shouldn't have" taking a deep cleansing breath she continued, "I came here to apologise to you for my harsh words and ask for your help in reuniting Mr Bingley and Jane, nothing more."
Visibly stunned, Darcy stumbled backwards away from her touch. His eyes roved the room looking everywhere but at her, searching for the answers he could not find in her. Grasping on to his anger to prevent himself from breaking down, he clenched his jaw funnelling his pain into the rage he felt towards her. Failing in his struggle to control himself he grabbed a paper weight from his desk and threw it against the wall, smashing it into tiny pieces, just as she had smashed all his hopes.
"Do you enjoy toying with a man's emotions, Elizabeth?! Have I provided you with enough entertainment yet or would you like to watch as I slit my wrists?!" he thundered, turning he took hold of a letter opener lying discarded on his desk.
Elizabeth was terrified, she had never seen him like this before, he had lost all restraint and it was entirely her fault! Why did she come? Pure selfishness, that's why! She couldn't bear to depart this earth knowing he was in the world and thinking ill of her, she had given little thought to his feelings. Disgusted with herself she focused back on Darcy, rigid with anger and brandishing the letter opener. Frightened that he meant to hurt himself she rushed forward and tried to remove the knife from his grasp.
"Please, please...I didn't mean..." she cried as they struggled for control of the knife.
Paying no heed to her incoherent pleas, Darcy lashed out at her and struck her with enough force to send her flying across the room where she crumpled to the floor in pain, clutching her side.
* * *
Colonel Fitzwilliam had arrived at the Darcy residence expecting to find some hope of rational conversation after dealing with the irrational rantings of his superior officers for the past week, but was confronted by a decidedly worried Georgiana lurking outside the door to the study. Seeing him approach she appeared to relax slightly and hurried to greet him.
"Richard I'm so glad you are here. I don't know what to do! She was so insistent she had to see him, he said it was alright but he's been so depressed the last few weeks and hardly talking to anyone!"
"Slow down Georgiana. Now you say that Darcy has been upset recently?" he enquired.
"Yes, ever since he came back from Aunt Catherine's he's been acting strangely. He refused to speak to Mr Bingley and ordered all his meals to be served to him in the study." She continued with some discomfort and embarrassment, "The housekeeper informed me that he has been drinking frequently."
"This is certainly strange. I don't remember anything happening that could have upset him at Rosings, apart from Aunt Catherine's usual comments about Anne. Has he told you anything?"
"I tried to talk to him but he just dismissed my concerns and told me I wouldn't understand."
"I'll talk to him Georgiana, don't worry."
"Do you think...do you think he is still angry about what happened last summer?" she asked tentatively.
"Oh no sweetheart I'm sure it has nothing to do with that, and neither your brother nor I were angry at you over what happened, it was not your fault and you have to remember that." He soothed her, brushing away the few tears that had escaped off her cheeks. "Now you said that there was a lady talking to Darcy?"
"Yes a Miss Bennet" she replied her worries resurfacing after his reminder of the situation.
"Miss Bennet, Miss Elizabeth Bennet," he queried, receiving an affirmative nod from Georgiana, "what could she want?"
"I don't know, she said that she had to talk to Fitzwilliam, she was most insistent. I told her that he wasn't receiving visitors but she ignored me and forced her way into his study, he assured me it was alright and I left them together in the study"
"Did she seem angry?"
"No, she seemed more desperate than anything else. I was unsure whether to leave them there but I became worried when I could hear raised voices."
"I'm sure everything is fine, Miss Bennet and Darcy have always had a spirited friendship."
Betraying the comforting message of Fitzwilliam's last words the sound of glass breaking was heard coming from the direction of the study. Too stunned to move they looked at each other for a minute before rushing towards the study, worried for the welfare of those within. Throwing open the door they discovered Darcy glowering in front of his desk a knife gripped tightly in his hand while Miss Bennet cowered in the corner, obviously in some pain.
Chapter 2
Frozen in the entrance to the study Colonel Fitzwilliam tried to take in the horrific tableau before him, it looked as though Darcy had attacked Miss Bennet, but he would never do such a thing! A gasp from behind him woke him from his shock and reminded him of the presence of Georgiana. Turning he placed his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her from the room, closing the door behind her, he would deal with her later.
Nothing had changed in the room, Darcy still fumed oblivious to his entrance and Miss Bennet sobbed quietly in the corner. Thinking it best to remove the knife from his cousin's grasp first, he gingerly approached him and reached out to gently touch his arm. The pressure of Fitzwilliam's hand was enough to break Darcy from his trance, blinking he turned his gaze to focus on Fitzwilliam, confused as to his presence there. Seeing all the tension drain from Darcy's body, Fitzwilliam took hold of the knife and gently prised it from his hand placing it far away from them on the desk.
Having removed the danger, Fitzwilliam turned his attention to the other occupant of the room. Kneeling in front of her, he tried to ascertain if she was hurt or merely frightened by the uncharacteristic behaviour of his cousin.
"Miss Bennet, are you hurt?" he enquired in a whisper trying not to scare her further.
Looking up at him with tears in her eyes she mutely shook her head and moved to stand but was halted by a stabbing pain in her side. Gasping she screwed her eyes shut trying to ride the pain.
"It is obvious that you are, Miss Bennet." He continued worriedly.
"No...I'm fine Colonel...just a little...shaken" she replied breathing heavily.
"Miss Bennet credit me with a little intelligence, it is clear that you are in some pain" losing patience with her and the strange situation he had been forced into.
Across the room Darcy held his head in his hands, unaware of anything but the deep throbbing ache he could feel in his heart. He hadn't felt like this since the death of his parents, Elizabeth's refusal at Hunsford paled in comparison. Breaking free from his self-pity enough to become aware of the others, he registered that something was wrong with Elizabeth. Overcome with guilt he rushed over to her, but stopped short from touching her.
"Elizabeth, oh my God, I hurt you! Please I never meant to hurt you. Forgive me; forgive me..." he trailed away tears streaming down his face.
Bridging the distance between them, she placed a hand on his cheek soothingly.
"You did not hurt me. I'm fine," she reassured him while forcing him to look at her, "there is nothing to forgive"
"But you are in pain" he replied leaning into her touch, unwilling to deny himself this pleasure.
"It is nothing, don't worry"
Tired of being ignored and still confused as to what had occurred Fitzwilliam coughed to interrupt them.
"Regardless of what you say Miss Bennet I think it best that a doctor be called."
"No, please no doctors! Why won't you believe that I am unhurt?!" she cried breaking away from Darcy and cautiously standing up, schooling her features so that she betrayed none of her pain. "See, as I said there is nothing wrong with me."
"Miss Bennet!" Fitzwilliam exclaimed in exasperation at her stubbornness.
Both men stood up, their knees cracking in protest at the movement.
"I think it best that you leave Fitzwilliam"
"What!"
"Just leave Richard, Elizabeth and I need to talk"
"Talk! I thought that you already did that, and look what happened!" knowing it was useless to argue with Darcy, he turned to Miss Bennet with a mute plea for her to see sense.
"Please Colonel, we will be fine, we just need to talk"
Darcy held out his arm towards the door in invitation to leave and ushered him towards it. Unable to find an excuse to stay in the room he opened the door, turning back to look at Miss Bennet who shook her head slightly. He crossed the threshold and heard quite distinctly as the door was shut and locked behind him, a lock to which Darcy was the only one who held a key.
* * *
Darcy leaned back against the door and looked steadily at Elizabeth wondering what she was thinking, he still couldn't believe that he had hit her, no matter what she said he would never forgive himself for that. Elizabeth squirmed under his gaze and stared at the floor, still too shaken by the previous events to approach him again. Thankfully the pain in her side had subsided to a dull ache allowing her to think more clearly. Sighing she ventured a look towards Darcy and noticed that he was frowning, knowing his propensity for self-reproach she felt it was imperative that they began before he sank into the depths of despondency.
"I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you," she barely whispered.
Startled, Darcy looked up at her, "Sorry? You have nothing to apologise for, if anything I should be the one to apologise, not you."
"Perhaps its best if we agree that neither's actions were above reproach?"
"That seems a good idea." Unable to take the uncertainty any longer he walked towards her and took hold of her hands pressing them gently, "Elizabeth, will you answer me honestly, do you love me?"
She tried to extricate herself from his grip but he was having none of it, he needed an answer for his own peace of mind.
Realising there was no escape she replied softly, "Yes, I love you Fitzwilliam"
Breathing a sigh of relief, he continued before he made the same mistake again in getting ahead of himself, "But you don't want to marry me?"
"Oh no don't ever think that! It would give me no greater pleasure than to marry you, but you deserve better than me"
"There is no one better than you, in fact I don't deserve you. I don't care about your lack of connections or dowry, I have all I need. I would welcome your family with open arms if it meant that I had you!"
"I don't want to hurt you"
"You'll only hurt me if you refuse to marry me" he pressed
"This is all so difficult, I'm so confused. I want you to hold me to tell me everything is going to be ok, but at the same time I want to run away from you to escape the pain."
"Everything will be alright Elizabeth, you'll see. We will get married and live happily ever after surrounded by our children and grandchildren."
"No! You're wrong!" she cried breaking away from him and running over to the door, she grabbed the doorhandle twisting it in desperation but found that it was locked. Bowing her head against the wood she let out all the agony and despair she felt, her eyes burning from the intensity of her tears.
Coming up behind her, Darcy laid his hands on her shoulders, wanting to provide her with some sort of comfort.
"Elizabeth, you have to tell me what's wrong"
"I'm dying"
"No" he barely whispered unable and unwilling to see the truth in her words. "It's not true. It can't be true"
"It is true, Fitzwilliam. God knows I've tried to believe this is all a mistake"
Finding his voice again, he asked the question that would make this ordeal a reality, "What...How long?"
"I have a tumour in my abdomen the doctor thinks that I have no more than a year to live"
"He must be wrong, I'll get another doctor!" he cried in desperation
"It's no use, Fitzwilliam, if you got a hundred doctors they would all say the same thing. I can feel it, I know I am dying"
"Please Elizabeth you can't leave me, I am nothing without you!"
Turning around she wrapped him within her arms, feeling his agony as if it were her own.
"Perhaps it would have been better if I never came, you would have forgotten me in time. A broken heart can be healed."
"No! I could never forget you Elizabeth, without you I am but half a man." Calming slightly he asked, "Why did you come then?"
"I couldn't bear to think that you hated me," she whispered in reply.
Moving back slightly he tilted her head up so that she looked at him, "I could never hate you Elizabeth, never" saying this he brushed his lips gently against hers in a tender kiss. Wanting more he returned to her lips fuelling his kiss with all the passion and desperation he felt at that moment, Elizabeth relaxed against him succumbing to the power of his kiss, never wanting to let him go.
Breaking away Darcy laid his forehead against hers while he sought to regain his self-control as well as his breath.
"Marry me, Elizabeth. I don't care how long we have, I just want to spend every minute of it by your side."