A Fable

Posted on Monday, 4 April 2005

James and Brian were best friends. They played basketball together, they helped each other cram for exams and they often helped each other pick up girls. They had a particularly successful strategy that involved sitting near the girl in question and having a scripted conversation on Keats or women’s rights or whatever happened to interest said female. This allowed them to espouse previously planned, amazingly sensitive opinions without looking like they were “just saying that” to win the girl. Even though they were.

On one particular occasion, Brian was interested in Emily. Emily was in his British Literature class and she was smart, funny and insightful. She was also breathtakingly gorgeous and fond of wearing halter-tops, but that had nothing to do with anything. So one day, James took a seat at the same table as Emily and after inspecting his inedible lunch, James asked Brian, “So, how’s your British Literature class going? Are you reading anything good?”

“Yes, actually. We just started reading the “Rape of the Lock” by Alexander Pope. I liked it so much I finished it, even though we only had to read the first two Cantos for class.”

James smiled. Emily had half turned, although she was pretending not to have noticed them. Brian continued, “Actually, in class today, this girl, I think her name is Emily brought up an interesting dilemma…”

“Nice” thought James, “The inadvertent compliment. Very smooth.”

“But I didn’t listen because women’s opinions aren’t worth anything. I’ll never understand why they bother to educate them anyway.”
James just stared in open-mouthed shock. What the…..??!! Emily stood up and strode angrily away. James hissed, “What was that? Are you trying to make her hate you? What were you thinking???”

Brian was looking particularly smug. “Haven’t you ever read Pride and Prejudice? I have. I have the perfect scheme for winning over Emily. I shall make her hate me by saying something particularly awful, which I have; then, you shall tell her some awful lies about me. I shall proclaim my love to her but she shall be repulsed. I shall explain everything to her, tell her she was mistaken, and she will feel so bad that she will forgive me and fall into my arms. It’s bound to work.”

“That’s the stupidest think I ever heard!”

“You, my friend are just jealous because I had the brilliance to turn to Jane Austen for romantic advice. I bet you wish you had thought to read Pride and Prejudice.”

“As a matter of fact, I have read Pride and Prejudice. I have also read Mansfield Park. Have you? I didn’t think so. Well, let me introduce you to a man by the name of Henry Crawford. He acted like a jerk, made the heroine hate him and then professed his love. She refused so he turned his entire life around to please her, acted like a model citizen. She still rejected him and he ended up miserable.”

Although they disagreed, they were friends so James whispered lies about how Brian had flirted with the entire girls’ gymnastics team. Brian confessed his love and Emily dumped her hot chocolate on his head. He wrote her a letter using a calligraphy pen and sealed it with real sealing wax, a letter “explaining” everything. He told her that the remarks she overheard had been an inside joke between him and James and that James had been lying about his adventure with the gymnastics girls because he had been jealous that Brian had spent so much time thinking about Emily and no longer had time for basketball. The next day, he received an envelope full of ashes, the remnants of his letter. It seems that James had been right after all.

Moral: If you are going to base your romantic strategy on Jane Austen’s books, DON’T. If you have to, make sure you read ALL of her books first.