Posted on Tuesday, 25 May 2004, at 2:59 p.m.

"You are certain that your sister will approve of my attire tonight, Bingley?" asked Mr. Darcy anxiously, straightening his cravat. "You do not think she would prefer me to wear the striped orange one?"

"Don't worry, Darcy," comforted Mr. Bingley. "My sister's impeccable taste is sure to appreciate any choice you make. After all, you are so rich that you obviously can do no wrong."

"You are right, Bingley-I never thought of it that way. I do hope she will consent to dance with me at the ball tonight. Perhaps I will finally work up the courage to propose to her." Darcy's hands trembled in anticipation.

"I do not know, she masks her feelings so well-as a true lady should," Bingley replied. "But really, man, I cannot believe you have not proposed to her yet-all of London is expecting you to. After all, you have been in love with her from the moment she found out your income... er, I mean, from the moment you first laid eyes on her."

Darcy merely sighed, daydreaming about the day when he could finally make Miss Bingley his wife.

"Quick, Jane! Help me pin my bodice neckline down lower, so I can capture a rich man with my physical assets!" Elizabeth quickly adjusted her décolletage and tilted her head back, applying drops of belladonna to her eyes to make them brighter.

"Here you are, Lizzy," Jane said, smiling widely as she always did. "Now remember what our wise and brilliant Mama said-we must try our best to trap rich men into marrying us, and ignore whatever their poor, innocent, unmarried but by no means unattractive sisters might say."

"Of course, Jane!" And with that, the two sisters linked arms and proceeded to the Meryton Assembly.

"Come, Darcy, I must have you dance!" pressed Mr. Bingley. "You have only danced once with each of my sisters!"

"I know, Bingley, but after Caroline's exquisite dancing, how could I lower myself to dance with anyone else?" Darcy let out another lovesick sigh. "I know it appears that I ignore her, but the truth is that I am so overwhelmed by her beauty that I know not what else to do!"

"There, there, you will win her love someday," Bingley said sympathetically. "In the meantime, why don't you amuse yourself with some of the other ladies here? They certainly have sufficient arts and allurements!"

"You are dancing with the only woman who can even remotely compare to Caroline, Bingley. Except that Miss Bennet smiles too much."

"I know, but she is a pleasant diversion nonetheless. Still, I must be careful-Caroline has warned me about scheming, pathetic women who care for nothing but a man's income and will fling themselves at rich men for years without the slightest encouragement!" He scratched his head worriedly. "But what about her sister, Miss Elizabeth? She is not dancing, don't you at least feel sorry for her?"

Darcy looked over to where Elizabeth was industriously rearranging her cleavage in a brazen manner. "She is intolerable." And he stalked away to indulge in more dreams of Caroline, her beautifully stick-like figure resplendent in orange.

"Girls, girls!" Mrs. Bennet exclaimed loudly as they alighted from their carriage in front of the Lucas's home, "Remember what I told you, you must be call as much attention to yourselves as you can!"

"Yes, Mama," all five girls chorused dutifully, as they went inside.

Elizabeth pulled a smiling Jane into a small anteroom and leaned in to whisper quietly to her. "Mr. Darcy is still obsessed with Miss Bingley! I've decided to take drastic action!" And she pulled out a small doll made of scraps of linen.

"What is it, Lizzy?" Jane asked, smiling, peering at the tiny doll's black curly hair, and smiling again.

"It's Mr. Darcy!" Lizzy whispered, tucking the doll into her neckline. "I've been reading in Papa's library about how to use certain... arts... to ensnare a man with magic! Now he's sure to be mine!"

"Oh, Lizzy! This is what happens when women read too much!" Smiling blankly, Jane fluffed her hair and plotted how to get Mr. Bingley to notice her again.

The two girls proceeded into the parlor, where Elizabeth shot Darcy a glance. He seemed to be looking in her direction! She immediately looked for Sir William, so she could manipulate him into asking Darcy to be her dance partner.

Dash it all, thought Mr. Darcy, she is blocking my view of Caroline! Indeed, Elizabeth was standing directly in front of Miss Bingley. He stared his hardest at her, trying to see through Elizabeth to Caroline. Ah, here comes Caroline now! I am so glad that she is so eager to be in my company that she is willing to talk to me for hours on end without any encouragement! And she agrees with whatever I say! That is precisely what I've always been looking for in a wife! Well, that and a large wardrobe full of orange...

As couples lined up to begin dancing, Darcy thrilled to the touch of Caroline's skeletal hand on his arm. Oh, how he longed to declare his love!

"I can guess the subject of your reverie," she said, in her teasing voice which was not at all reminiscent of fingernails on a chalkboard. He was transfixed by her cat-like eyes. He hardly knew what he said next.

"Fine eyes... pretty woman..." he stammered, caught up in her proximity.

"And whose eyes might those be?" Miss Bingley purred, her delicately pointed elbow digging painfully (but it was a good pain!) into his ribs. He opened his mouth to confess his adoration.

Suddenly, a sharp pain flashed into his head! What was that? He couldn't think straight! He looked around the room frantically, only to see Miss Elizabeth Bennet smiling at him insolently and holding something small in one hand! Somehow she was controlling him!

"Miss Elizabeth Bennet!" he croaked, and the pain vanished as soon as it had appeared. What was happening to him?

"Miss Bingley has asked me to dine at Netherfield today!" smiled Jane in triumph. "At this rate, I will trap her brother in no time at all!"

"Wonderful, my dear!" said Mrs. Bennet, scheming already. "You must go on horseback, because it seems likely to rain, and then you must stay all night."

"Bravo, Mama! What a wonderful plan!" the entire family applauded.

"And Jane," interjected Elizabeth, "you must be sure to become very ill, so that I may come visit you and have another chance to entrap Mr. Darcy."

"Wonderful idea, Lizzy!" approved Jane, smiling more than usual.

"Hmmm... maybe I can get my dress extra muddy so I have an excuse to pull it above my ankles..." mused Elizabeth. "Yes, that should make him look at me..."

Across the Netherfield ballroom, Elizabeth grinned wickedly as she reached into her bodice and pulled out the dark-haired doll. "Now, Mr. Darcy," she murmured to herself, "I think it's time for us to dance that reel!"

Darcy's head snapped around. It was happening again! He didn't know how she was doing it, but somehow he found himself walking towards Elizabeth Bennet! Oh, no! He was asking her to dance! How am I going to get out of this one...?

"I am so relieved you got me out of that horrid countryside when you did, Caroline!" Bingley exclaimed appreciatively. "I don't know what I would have done without you!"

"Yes, Caroline," Darcy agreed, giving her a warm glance. "Now we can spend some time together without those interfering Bennets who are not at all attractive or accomplished."

"If you hadn't given me advice when you did, I never would have thought about the disadvantages of marrying Jane Bennet!" said Bingley. "You were so right-I mean, aside from the dreadful family, who would ever want to risk having his children smile so much all the time?"

Caroline lowered her head modestly. "And you don't think it was at all rude to write her that letter about you and Miss Darcy?"

"Oh, not at all!" Bingley replied. "Besides, if Miss Darcy and I do marry, that will be yet another connection between our families!" And he elbowed Mr. Darcy congenially. Mr. Darcy blushed, but said nothing. "In fact, I never want to hear anything about Miss Bennet, ever again! If by some freak chance she should be in London, don't mention a word of it to me!"

"As you wish, Charles. Whatever you think is best for you," Caroline said sweetly.

"But why must you go now?" Caroline asked Darcy in a plaintive voice. Their whole party had been vacationing at an estate near Pemberley, and though they were due to leave for Pemberley the next day, Darcy seemed insistent on departing a day early.

"I am sorry, my dear Miss Bingley, I would like nothing more than to stay in your lovely and not at all irritating company, but I feel that I must see to some matters at home."

Darcy shook his head in regret. He really did not know why he felt the need to leave so soon-it was almost as if he needed to meet someone elsewhere-- but whenever he thought about staying, his headaches intensified. It was almost like... magic! No, no, it couldn't be. There could be no harm in going home early-nothing could stop him from proposing to Caroline, as he intended to do the next day.

As Darcy rode towards home, his mind filled with inexplicable images-of dark curls, of graceful figures, of large, soft, round, sensuous... eyes. He felt his face grow hot with the memory. Maybe you should cool off... he heard the voice echo in his mind. What was that? It almost sounded like... no matter. Maybe he should cool off in the nearby pond. He pulled his mount up short and stripped off his shirt.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife." Both newly-married couples, the Bingleys and the Darcys, cheerfully exited the small, shabby church and stepped into their waiting carriages.

"I simply cannot understand it, Caroline!" repeated Mrs. Hurst. "All of a sudden, both of those scheming Bennets, married! However did they manage it?"

Caroline simply looked at her sadly. "I do not know, Louisa. But we must be happy for them, as befits ladies of our station." She waved her handkerchief at the departing couples, when suddenly her gaze was caught by something.

There it was-in Mrs. Darcy's bodice, and in Mrs. Bingley's, too! Tiny linen dolls, with dark and blond hair! And around the neck of each was a thin gold band...

The End