Behind the Scenes - Section VI

    By locarol

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    Chapter 28

    Posted on Tuesday, 24 June 2003

    The early light of dawn in London was full of the haze of a city. The residue of fires not yet stocked for morning fare, clouded the sky. Not that Mr. Darcy noticed that. His mind, his eyes and his heart were clouded themselves and it would have given him pleasure to notice that it was not a beautiful morning. He wanted nothing to be beautiful anymore. He had slept fitfully in his library, switching between slouching in his favourite armchair and lying along the dark leather upholstered bench. And in between locations his mood varied. Sitting was for anger. Anger directed at the person causing him this agony, just as any bereaved person at some time feels anger towards the person lost. How dare Miss Elizabeth Bennet stand there and accuse him of wrong doing when she had no proof. How dare Miss Elizabeth Bennet call him dishonourable, disdainful and even ungentlemanly? What did she know of his life, of him? If she thought him despicable and derisive then what was she? She had shown him no appreciation or respect yet what he had offered her was his life...his love.

    And as the powerful emotion of loving her overwhelmed him again, he moved to the bench and lay there quietly in the dark feeling nothing but regret. Anger simply slipped by. He could never be really angry with Elizabeth. All fault must be his. He had simply misread her. And so he remained, sliding through the different aspects of rejection and grief, allowing the anger at her to overtake when the remorse of his actions became too much to bear.

    In Kent the dawn was much clearer with the mist of spring gone and the hint of summer showing in every shiny leaf. And it was this very gloss of the day that Elizabeth noticed and regretted. She had no desire to feel herself part of a fine and beautiful world when her actions showed her not to deserve it. She rose early and began her walk early. He was gone now, she was safe. There would be no more encounters, no more looks, no more challenges to her opinions. She had only his letter to her but it was sufficient to fill any gaps she felt in her life at this moment. It was the definitive turning point in her opinion of herself but it would take her some time to acknowledge that. So far she was still wavering between her wrongful actions and words and his stated reaction. And she too was angry with him for making her an offer that she had to refuse. How dare he put her in that position by offering reasons why he should not offer for her. How dare he make her lose her temper so quickly and cause her to use words she would regret forever? And then the look of love in his eyes and his first words of passion for her took over and she could not hate him for that. No woman can hate a man for loving her.

    And so they spent their separate days feeling the loss of the moment, She at least did not feel the loss of love for him because she had never had it. In that she was able to think sensibly of their situation long before he would.

    Mr. Darcy's man entered the library just after half past six in the morning, ostensibly to straighten the room for the morning business. However he knew that business would not be conducted that day. He said nothing as he discreetly cleared the glass from the hearth. The room was surprisingly tidy but Mr. Darcy was an excellent gentleman and never prone to mess even at his more dejected moments. Geoffrey had never seen his employer this way, even after the death of his father. He had seen him imbibe, and to excess at times, as any gentleman of passion is inclined to do but this was deeper.

    Mr. Darcy said nothing as his man fussed about the room, staying just long enough to show care but short enough to show respect. Half an hour later he brought in a tray containing some essentials to a morning following a night deprived of food and sufficient fluids. Mr. Darcy glanced at the muffins spread liberally with freshly churned butter. There was a pot of coffee and a fresh jug of clear water. He reached for the water and poured himself a glass just as the door swung open again to admit his sister.

    'Good morning, Fitzwilliam.'

    'I suppose somewhere it is,' replied Mr. Darcy.

    She leaned over him touching his brow.

    'Are you very ill?'

    'Ill! Oh if it were only that simple. No I am not ill in nature, just in temperament. Georgiana, am I often discourteous to guests?'

    'What are you talking of? You are not discourteous to anyone.'

    'I beg to disagree.'

    'Good morning, Darcy,' sounded the Colonel as he marched in. 'And how is the head?'

    'The flock gathers,' said Mr. Darcy drolly.

    'We do indeed, brother. Richard refuses to tell me what happened and that it must come from you. Can you tell me?'

    'I do not think it suitable for your young ears, my dear.'

    'I am not so young. This past year has been...do not make me tell you how it has made me. But I am no longer naïve to the...world.'

    Mr. Darcy reached up and touched her arm gently. His head buzzed a little but more from lack of sleep than alcohol. He had indeed drunk nearly three pints of spirits but it seemed that his body had chosen to treat him kindly, no doubt as a result of spending many hours consuming it.

    'Indeed you are not but I so wish you were. But you know it is all my doing. I neglected you.'

    'You did not. I know that I have been withdrawn...shy all my life. I chose not to be out enough. You treated me so well that I thought all persons would do the same. I did not suspect such scheming. I am trying hard to come out of myself and helping you through your troubles might help me.'

    'You are indeed quite a young lady,' said the Colonel.

    'She is,' replied Mr. Darcy. 'However I do not think you need the additional burden of me. So if you will both leave, I will set about ridding myself of this fog that is my head. Or perhaps I might endeavour to completely cloud it.'

    'I expected to see you in a worse state this morning, cousin.'

    'It seems not even alcohol can relieve me these days. Is there no way a man can find escape! Now be off. I really do not want to discuss myself, my mood, my behaviour, my life or even my manners.'

    'Why would we discuss your manners, Fitzwilliam? They are faultless,' said Miss Darcy.

    He smiled to himself but both his sister and his cousin saw the irony pass his eyes.

    'Georgiana, I am about to prove to you that my manners are far from faultless as it seems you are one of the few who have failed to see it before. Leave!'

    'Darcy, I think you should explain, now! It does no good to keep this to yourself and leave your sister to speculate on the reasons for your mood.'

    He had had enough!

    'This is my private hell! There is no easy way to overcome this. I do not feel lightly and I have lived with this for too long to simply walk away. That is for you! I will take this as I see fit. I will take her words and her opinions and I will listen to them till the day I die because she will be with me till the day I die. There is no escape, no resolution until I deal with this my way!'

    Georgiana stood with her mouth slightly open as he ranted. She had heard him shout before but never with such bitterness in front of her.

    'I am sorry, Fitzwilliam. I know our aunt can be difficult. I wish your journey had been more pleasant.'

    'What are you talking about Georgiana? This has nothing to do with Lady Catherine. Richard, please take her out of here before I have the household in uproar.'

    'Georgiana, it might be best to leave your brother. I assure you he will deal with this.'

    'Please allow me to help you. If it is not to do with our aunt then it must be Anne.'

    'Georgiana, you must excuse me. I must deal with this alone. I have found myself in this situation solely through my own actions.'

    'Georgiana, please leave him to me,' said the Colonel.

    She kissed her brother softly on the forehead and left quietly.

    'She is determined. I hope you have not created a second Lady Catherine!'

    'I should hope not. She has always been strong. I just wish that she could overcome her timidity outside of close family. I have spent a great deal of time helping her to express herself to me but that is where it ends. Go, cousin, make use of yourself with your ward. Allow her to tell you what an ogre I am. Shut the door!'

    'How long to you intend to spend in here, closeted up like a beaver?'

    'A beaver? What on earth are you talking of? Beavers block rivers or something. A beaver! You should leave metaphors to the better read amongst us.'

    'A mole, then. You can be so arrogant, Darcy!'

    'That is an attribute of which I have been well informed.'

    'She called you arrogant?'

    'She called me a number of things. I think arrogance came into it somewhere amongst disdainful, presumptuous, proud and....oh yes, derisive.'

    'She did manage to cover most of the territory, didn't she?'

    'I will not stand for your gloat, Richard!'

    'My apologies. I know this is very raw.'

    'Extremely so. Now will you leave me?'

    'No. You have not answered my question? How long to you intend to stay holed up in here? It is quite undignified.'

    'Oh I forgot that one. I am sure that was in her list.'

    'Darcy, you keep telling me of all the things she stated but you have yet to tell me what brought her to this point. I hardly see that an offer of marriage from a gentleman of your connections and society would cause a lady of Miss Bennet's background to lambaste you with her anger and might I add, her insults. In fact I fail to see how any offer of marriage could invoke such anger as you are relating.'

    'Even an offer of surprise?'

    'Surprise, what do you mean?'

    'I mean she was not expecting it.'

    'That does not mean its occurrence would bring out her anger.'

    'She had ... has no feelings for me.'

    'Still that would not cause anger. Tell me it all, Darcy.'

    'Cover to cover, as they say. I am not sure that I can do that, Richard.'

    'Try. I will even join you in a brandy ... for breakfast. I think neither of us will be attending church this morning.'

    'A brandy it is then.'

    'I will pour, Darcy, you begin. I think you need to say it all.'

    'It is really not a long tale,' he said as he sipped his first draft for the morning. 'In fact, it is pure fantasy, it seems.'

    'Please stop wallowing in self pity and get on with it, Darcy. It is beneath you to allow yourself to remain so.'

    'And nothing should be beneath me in my position of condescension.'

    The Colonel glared at him and he began his tale.

    'As you know I love ... I love her. I did not want to love her. I tried not to love her. I have spent so long wondering how it came about. She ... do you know that I have never been in love before? Never! Perhaps if I had then ... I fell in love with her and despite every concern I had about her suitability, I had to have her.'

    'You mean her lack of fortune?'

    'That and other things. Her family is nothing.'

    'You told me that her father was a gentleman. She seemed well educated and apart from a lapse or two, her manners were well-bred.'

    'What do you mean a lapse or two? Her manners are faultless.'

    'I was not criticising her, my dear chap. It is just that she tends to say what she thinks and that is not always the wisest choice.'

    'But refreshing. She is guileless.'

    'No one is completely guileless. However I did not see that she was attempting to ensnare you.'

    'Indeed she was not.'

    'But what brought on her ire?'

    'I have always known that I am a man of deep emotions, passionate some would say. I might suggest that the lady is similar. I ... I began as any man would begin. Perhaps I expressed myself too passionately but I only said what I was feeling. A man cannot be faulted for that.'

    'Did she object to your language?'

    'I do not think she objected to my ... my words ... this is very personal Richard. I told her how deeply I felt for her. I can say no more.'

    'And she resorted immediately to anger?'

    'No, not ... I did not give her time to reply immediately. I had to ensure that she knew that all problems had been considered.'

    'Problems? You mean her background, family?'

    'Yes. Richard, you know how she is. You have seen the way her mind works. I knew that she would bring up the normal objections to such a union. I wanted to make sure she knew that I had not dismissed them without serious thought.'

    'And that angered her.'

    'Exactly. I could not be less than truthful, yet she found my words objectionable. I am not prone to exaggeration yet she was almost hostile when I expressed the reservations I had felt before deciding to make her an offer. I see now that it was wrong of me but anything less would have rendered me dishonest.'

    'And so she lashed out with her own reservations.'

    'I did attempt to apologise. I suggested that sheer flattery might have changed her opinion but it was to no avail. She would not have me under any circumstances.'

    'You have lost me cousin. Are you saying that you attempted a second offer within the same meeting?'

    'No, I remain a gentleman of some honour, Fitzwilliam.'

    'Then how came you to suggest that flattery would have been successful?'

    'We were by then in some disagreement. Miss Bennet had offered two very distinct reasons for objecting to my proposal and I felt it necessary to counter them with a suggestion of my own. It was very awkward and I must say that neither of us were performing at our best.'

    'Unless one's best encompasses the bad and the good. I think you both possess the qualities necessary for an excellent disagreement.'

    'I find your attempts at humour paltry at any time, cousin. On this occasion they could be considered wretched.'

    'So suited to your mood then.'

    'Indeed. Suffice to say that the meeting did not go well. We both resorted to methods that left each of us much less than we could be.'

    'And this is how it will end? There is nothing further to be done, no hope?'

    'Hope? Such a small word with such expectations. No there is no hope ... no expectation. Perhaps if I had said things differently she perhaps would not have been so enraged. She had various causes at her disposal. However the more I think over her words, the more I realise the futility of my cause. She had never desired me in any way. Nothing I could have said would have changed that. In fact, she eradicated any meagre hope I may have had by telling me that I was the last man on earth that she would ever consider marrying.'

    'My god man, I am surprised you can talk of it. I think I need another brandy.'

    'Perhaps now you see the reason for my state. I am twenty-eight years of age and I have never felt so wretched.'

    'And I can see that you need to be alone. However she is wrong Darcy. You know that somewhere in your mind. You cannot allow her words to change you.'

    The Colonel left with no further words and as the door shut Mr. Darcy whispered.

    'But she already has, cousin.'

    Mr. Darcy took a fresh nip of brandy. As yet, he had no desire to remain totally sober. Instead he let the slight stupor of alcohol soften the edges of his feelings just enough to allow him to function.

    He did appear at dinner and as he took his place at the head of the table he found four eyes piercing his reserve. He looked at both of his dinner companions and said nothing. The Colonel looked across at Miss Darcy and shrugged his shoulders. She had retreated into a stony silence refusing to allow her brother any more sympathy until he had told her of his troubles. He smiled to himself when he saw her look. She was indeed abjectly shy to the world but lurking beneath that surface was a Darcy through and through. Eventually he chose to speak.

    'I will tell you, Georgiana. However I need to think through my actions before I can talk of it to you.'

    'You have always told me that the best solution to my problems is to talk to you and I have really tried to do that. Why can you not afford me the same? Allow me to help you.'

    'Because this is not about how to issue a dinner invitation or who to ask to tea. This is my life.'

    'You asked me this morning if you were repugnant sometimes. I disagreed then but now I must say that you just proved me wrong.'

    'I think the word I used was discourteous.'

    'That too!'

    'Georgiana, please forgive me. I did not intend to treat you as a child or to indicate that your problems are not worthy. I am simply not ready for company of any sort.'

    'Fitzwilliam, just tell me what has made you so. I ask for no more than that at this time. I am extremely worried for you.'

    'Tomorrow. I promise tomorrow. Although I cannot be sure how much I can speak of.'

    'Just beginning will help you. You have always told me that. Tomorrow.'

    Mr. Darcy managed to consume a little of the first course but the sight and smell of the roast drove him back to his library where he spent part of the night repeating the previous one. He retired to his rooms after midnight and managed almost three hours of uninterrupted sleep before the presence of Elizabeth overcame his stupor and he found himself alert and craving her. After bathing early and declining breakfast he went to his library once more and at precisely ten o'clock he sent for his sister.

    'I made you a promise and I must keep it. Please sit, dear.'

    She sat quietly on the bench, her back straight but her face tilted slightly ready to hear every utterance he made.

    'That frock is new. It suits you.'

    'Thank you, brother dear, but we are not here to talk of my wardrobe. Please tell me what causes you such terrible pain.'

    He walked to the mantel and leaned over the blackened ash still lying there from the previous night. He poked at it but there was nothing left to rekindle the heat. He looked to her then strode to a chair opposite the bench sitting as straight as her. She leaned towards him and he moved away to his favourite chair and slouched down in it as he began.

    'I ... I made an offer to a young woman and she rejected me.'

    Her face shrank up in puzzlement.

    'Who would reject you, brother? I am completely shocked. I had no idea that you had decided to marry. Tell me and I will never speak to her again.'

    He laughed quietly. 'Georgiana, always the loving sister. If only it were that simple. You do not know her, dear. You will never know her now.'

    'Did you meet her in Kent?'

    'No, I met her last year while staying with Bingley.'

    'Is she a friend of his sisters?'

    'No indeed, I think I can safely say that is not the case. She resided in the neighbourhood.'

    'I had no idea that we knew society in that part of Hertfordshire.'

    'We did not, do not. She is...she is the daughter of a gentleman but has no connections, no fortune. She was attending an assembly.'

    Georgiana began to feel uncomfortable. Her brother's account of his proposed attachment sounded very close to hers for Mr. Wickham.

    'I must ask what made you offer to her? You have never associated with people outside our society, Fitzwilliam. What drew her to your attention at an assembly? You have always stated your intense dislike of such occasions.'

    'And this was no different.'

    'Then how...'

    She paused as she watched him look up and the whole expression on his face changed. The harshness of his mood slipped away and he became the brother who cared more passionately than anyone she had ever known. He continued to look up as he spoke.

    'How? A question asked by all lovers.'

    'Did you love her a great deal?'

    'My dear, my offer was only made last Thursday. I hardly expect my affections to have dissipated so quickly.'

    'I only meant...'

    'I know what you meant. Yes I loved her a great deal. I love her a great deal. Now I have only to forsake that affection for...'

    His voice trailed off as his heart tried to come to terms with losing his affection for Elizabeth. It hardly seemed possible. It was not possible.

    'Fitzwilliam, I will help you anyway I can. Perhaps if we go back to Pemberley you will forget her. It was enough to get me past Mr. Wi ... Mr. Wickham'

    'You, my darling, had the fortune of his duplicity to assist you. I have no such factors. I have only regret that I saw only what I wished.'

    'I do not understand.'

    'In time, my dear, in time. Leave me now. I have spoken enough.'

    'Fitzwilliam, it might help to speak of her.'

    'But not yet. Perhaps never. I must have my library. Be off!'

    She leaned up to him and gently kissed his cheek.

    'I love you, you know.'

    At this he managed a faint smile.

    'Be off, my girl, before you have me crying in your arms, a state not appropriate for any older brother.'

    'For you brother. I have plenty more.'

    She tucked her handkerchief in his breast pocket and skipped from the room.

    He sank back into his chair and took up the brandy. It was no time to allow the clarity of life to resurface.

    And so he spent almost a week, the week he knew she was still at Kent. He drank just enough, he ate rarely and he left business aside. He whispered to her and shouted at her in the light of day and he yearned for her in the dark of night. And the day she was to leave Kent he drank more than his daily dose simply because it meant she was coming closer to him. She was coming to town and he knew exactly to where.

    Elizabeth spent the final week of her stay at Rosings in silent contemplation of everything she knew of Mr. Darcy. She had no regret of refusal but she did harbour abject grief at the way she had addressed him. His tone and words had begun with eagerness and real emotion but she had allowed his analysis of their different positions in life to cloud her words. She could not help but mull over the various times they had together and the way she had treated him. He had always been honourable and upstanding. He had not dismissed her when her family misbehaved yet she had been ready to dismiss him for his supposed behaviour of which she had only Wickham's account. The thought of her family was now a constant source of embarrassment. They were just as he stated and she knew now that their public performances were no doubt viewed in a bad light by all.

    She was particularly sad for her father whom she had always looked up to until this moment. Now as an adult she saw the indolence he pursued in his duty as father and husband and how he had allowed his children to virtually bring themselves up. It is always difficult for a child to see her parents as imperfect but when that parent is a favourite it is even harder.

    There were constant invitations to Rosings during this last week no doubt as a result of the loss of the gentlemen. For Elizabeth they became rather poignant reminders of Mr. Darcy. She could hear his voice in the music room. Picking up the sauceboat caused her to pause and she did not enter her grove again as he would be present with her if she did. Not that he was ever out of her thoughts. No woman with such an experience could forget that quickly. He had never been a major source of her thinking before but she began to realise that he had always been there somewhere. Certain things had always reminded her of him and she gradually understood that despite her not loving him, he had been a most important force in her life for some months.

    And as normal in a young woman who knows she is loved, she reflected on what might have been. And she particularly began to analyse why she had disliked him so and very slowly she came to realise that she had always clung to his first impression of her. Tolerable. Such a word that can cut deeply into an intellect accustomed to superiority in her society. How false she now began to see her own pride in her opinions. How shallow.

    After a final dinner at Rosings with another verbal onslaught from Lady Catherine regarding their mode of travel, Elizabeth bade good-bye to her dear friend and her less than endearing husband. Miss Lucas spent hours on the journey reliving the time in Kent and anticipating the retelling of their many invitations. Elizabeth sat silent as she spoke, unable to think of anything to recall or relate. It was a trip that would live forever in the privacy of her own thinking.

    It was barely four hours later that they arrived in London. As the streets became busier and the crowds increased, Elizabeth could only think of him. Mr. Darcy was here and once again she felt the need to read his letter and contemplate his words.

    He had spent that Saturday morning sitting in his rooms. He was still not dressed and had slept fitfully. It was over a week yet sound sleep was as far away as ever. He went over her trip in his head. He saw the milestones she passed, the bridges she crossed, the roads she travelled and as the hours passed, his excitement grew. Was there a man more pathetic than one whose joy was derived from knowing his rejected love was nearby? She was in town and he clung to that thought like a man in sight of a long lost home. She was his lynch pin, his pivot. He had no existence without thoughts of her. He laughed and slowly began to doubt his sanity.

    Chapter 29

    Posted on Monday, 30 June 2003

    Elizabeth arrived at lunchtime with a subdued Jane to greet her. She appeared well but Elizabeth soon realised that it was not the time or place to discuss with her any part of his letter. It was ever in Elizabeth's mind but upon hearing of the many engagements organised for them while in town she understood that their time would be limited and despite wishing so much to tell Jane if for nothing other than her own vanity at being made such an offer, she chose the more discretionary path and kept silent. Her story or what she could say of it would have to wait until they returned to Longbourn.

    They had planned to stay for a few days but Mrs. Gardiner had so much in store that it seemed immediately upon arrival that they would not be home for over a week or more. Elizabeth retreated to the room she would share with Jane but was soon followed by the nieces and nephews who were sure that their aunt had brought treats from the country. She had little to give them as her time and thoughts had been elsewhere in Kent but she promised that the following week's shopping would bring rewards. As soon as the room was clear of children, she asked Jane how she really was and was happy to hear her sister had some restoration of spirits. Elizabeth spent the afternoon catching up on letters from home, hearing the latest news about town and securing further plans for her trip to the Lakes with her aunt and uncle.

    Mr. Darcy managed to eat a little fruit for lunch that Saturday which pleased his sister and his cousin. They had barely spoken to him over this last week as they concluded it best to leave him that much time to improve his mood. On the Saturday afternoon he appeared at tea, unshaven but otherwise looking slightly improved. They both stared at his steadiness and desire for a little cake with his tea. He said nothing more after that but did say he would be dining with them.

    At six-thirty that night he appeared freshly bathed, shaven and in a mood superior than either of them had seen since his return. He sipped his wine and proceeded to eat almost a quarter of the food placed in front of him. Miss Darcy noticed the loose fit of his jacket and realised that he had lost a great deal of weight over a short period. Mr. Darcy, however, was feeling somewhat improved. He tried without success to attribute this to the passing of time but he knew that it was the closeness of Elizabeth. He was not ready for after dinner entertainment of any sort and had not yet received any visitors. However, he did say that he would attend church the next morning.

    Sunday dawned hazy and warm in town. Elizabeth dressed quickly so as to assist her sister and aunt with the older children. The procession to church was a long one and constant vigilance was required amongst the throng of city life. She took the pew with the family and although the parson's abilities were far greater than her cousin's, she found her mind drifting to the routine of life and even wondered where Mr. Darcy attended church.

    The man himself was first ready and waited impatiently for the others. He looked drawn, tired and pale but he was ready to step out and that must be a good thing. Miss Darcy took an arm of her brother and her cousin and stepped out to the carriage with a definite spring in her step. She had her brother back. They had one of the front pews in the rather large church they attended and Mr. Darcy sat pondering the last time he attended church. Elizabeth had been just in his sight to the left, one pew behind. When the hymns began and he heard the one she seemed to sing the loudest, he became morose again and simply stood staring ahead with no recognition of what was going on around him. Miss Darcy noted this immediately and her worries began again.

    As they left the church, he seemed to withdraw further and within a quarter of an hour he was once again tucked in his library with the door firmly shut. Miss Darcy had now spent over a week accepting cards and stating that her brother was not at home. Her concern had begun to take a toll on herself and she went to the Colonel for advice.

    'Richard, my brother has been hiding for so long now. Can we not do something to draw him out? He has told me of his affection for this lady but was he really so in love?

    'Oh yes, Georgiana, he was so in love. He was bewitched. It was not a flight of fancy often taken in new society. He has known the lady for some months, almost six I think. As far as I can determine, his affection has been present for five of those.'

    'I must speak to him today. His steward has business that cannot be delayed. He will be here early on the morrow.'

    'Then speak to him. He would never wish to neglect Pemberley.'

    By the time Miss Darcy plucked up enough courage to enter his library, Mr. Darcy was well on the way to another bout of drunkenness. She was mortified to see him so inebriated and did not fail to make her displeasure known to him.

    'Looks will do nothing for me, my dear. I will drink.'

    'Your steward wishes a meeting tomorrow. I told him that you would be waiting for him.'

    'Did you now? Well you have judged correctly. Tomorrow I will be about business and confine my depression to the nights. But for today, I will be left alone to wallow as deeply as I can drink. Be warned, dear sister, I will not tolerate interference in this.'

    'I only wish to see you restored to good health.'

    'And I only wish to be able to fill my days with problems large enough to take over my nights. Good afternoon Georgiana, I will see you for breakfast.'

    She left and he set about the greatest binge he had ever embarked upon. This was no student lapse. This did not resemble his attempt the previous week. This was nothing more than a concerted effort at complete oblivion. For one night he just wished to pass out and not think at all.

    However that was not to be his lot for many hours. First he had to reconcile his state of mind with his state of body. He could not continue as he had. He had rarely indulged himself at any time in his life and this past eight days had left him wasted and discontented. He had spent too much of his life in the confines of position to totally abandon them. He must pull himself together and fill his time with things that may lessen his pain or at least leave him little time to think of it. So he resolved sometime during the night to move on with his life. That meant business, estate, sport and a continuation of the limited society that he allowed to intrude on his life. He had a real need to see his friend Mr. Bingley but that could not be done until he had the reserves to face the problems that would ensue. He had not ridden in over a week and his other activities had also lapsed. Tomorrow he would begin. If he was to live without Elizabeth, then he was to live intensely at all else.

    On Monday morning his man found him slouched in his chair, one arm hanging over the arm and one clasping his shirtfront. He had it screwed up in his hand as if clutching at something within. He was snoring loudly as his mouth was open. He stirred as the sounds of the house intruded on his refuge and he screwed up his eyes in an attempt to focus.

    'It is morning.'

    'Yes, sir. Would you be requiring a bath, Mr. Darcy?'

    His mind swirled in an attempt to construct a succinct answer.

    'Ah...I would. Quarter of an hour.'

    His man left discreetly, understanding exactly what his master required. Exactly ten minutes later he returned to the library to assist his master upstairs if required. It would not do for other staff to see him in such a state. His master did not need assistance to walk. He was quite instantly sober on his awakening. However the residue of a week of regular alcohol and a night of excessive alcohol would take its toll on his brain for most of the day.

    He bathed, his man shaved him, he dressed correctly, his hair was arranged and all through the procedures his head throbbed. His only relief was when he was able to shut his eyes. He walked slowly to the breakfast room where Georgiana and the Colonel were already sipping coffee.

    'Darcy, I am surprised to see you.'

    'I did tell Georgiana I would be at breakfast. I am not prone to lying.'

    The look on his face ensured that little more was said during the meal. The fact that he had appeared and attempted some normalcy was enough. He left after two cups of coffee and a slice of dry toasted bread and entered his library once again. However he did not begin with brandy. Instead he began his day with a determination not to waste a single minute. He dragged the large stack of letters and papers in front of him and began to go through each one in detail. Nothing was simply glanced at and discarded. Everything was studied, considered and then a direction of some sort was written on each. He was still only halfway through this task when his steward was announced.

    Mr. Franklin entered clutching his usual portfolio. He carefully began to withdraw the documents and notes one at a time allowing his master to offer his advice, agree with his own decisions or to decide on what course to take. The lambing season at Pemberley had been disappointing and it was decided to introduce two new rams to the flock. His steward showed Mr. Darcy the suggestions offered by the estate's livestock manager and he spent almost half an hour reaching his decision. The details of running an estate the size of Pemberley were immense and normally Mr. Darcy allowed some freedom within the ranks of his staff. However this morning, Mr. Franklin noticed that nothing was being left to others. His master read every word, listened intently to every statement and then sent his steward away with requests for more information.

    Mr. Darcy was indeed changed. In fact he was driven. He had now reached that point of his grief where sorrow and anger were passed and his own guilt followed by confusion had begun to take over. Confusion was not something Mr. Darcy had ever really accepted in himself. Regulation in all things was his life force. But a week of nothing but regret leaves a man of intellect racked with need. Need that would have been satisfied with the company of Elizabeth. But that was not to be. He must live his life without her and so it must be lived to the fullest extent that time would allow.

    For Elizabeth, the week began with a tour of shops containing everything a lady found necessary in her wardrobe. Mrs. Gardiner enjoyed nothing more than showing her two favourite nieces the latest fashion, bonnets, laces and ribbons. They wandered through myriads of fabrics, drooling over those outside their funds and excited over being able to purchase a little something from town. The bustle of shopping in London was something that Elizabeth greatly enjoyed as she found it a constant source of stimulation to see so many people milling around. She would never like to be there all the time but the contrast to life at Meryton made it exciting. They had just exited a favourite milliner when Elizabeth saw a rather large modern carriage move down the street drawn by an excellent pair of dark horses. Her heart took a slight leap as she realised that it was almost exactly the same as Mr. Darcy's and her purchases became inconsequential as her mind returned to him.

    'Lizzy, is something the matter?' said Jane.

    'No Jane, I was just distracted.'

    'Did the carriage frighten you?'

    'Oh no, I was just admiring the ...'

    Jane looked sad. 'It reminded you of Mr. Bingley's carriage, didn't it Lizzy?'

    'No Jane, actually it did not. My mind was on other matters. Where is our aunt?'

    'You can speak of him, Lizzy. It will not make me sad, I assure you.'

    'You are very strong, Jane. But really I was not avoiding the subject of Mr. Bingley.'

    They moved off following their aunt but Elizabeth had lost the mood of the morning. He had entered her thoughts and every time she saw a tall man in front of her, she wondered of him and if it was possible that they should meet on the street. She knew that he and his cousin had come to town but she had no idea if they were still there. Still the prospect was impossible to ignore.

    Mr. Darcy spent a long morning going over papers and then chose to leave the house. His man was informed he would return later and that was all anyone knew of his absence. When the light of the day hit his face, he squinted and his head pounded. However he did not retreat. His days would no longer be spent in withdrawal. He had no conscious thought on his destination but suddenly finding himself on the street, he knew that his wanderings might find him in places that would allow him to feel closer to Elizabeth. No he would not think of her.

    However within a quarter of an hour he found himself doing just that as he began browsing through bookshops. He must purchase a gift for Georgiana. Perhaps that would keep her from quizzing him. And there was his aunt to thank. And Anne. And then his mind slipped naturally to Elizabeth and he paused, fighting hard the desire to retreat again. How foolish to think that coming here was for any other reason than to feel her about him. So many images showed her reading and the touch of a page was enough to bring her back to him. The bell tinkled as new customers entered the shop and he turned instinctively. It was two women with a servant. They moved past him, with one catching his eye. There was no recognition but as she passed the trace of her scent floated around him. It was not Elizabeth's and he was disappointed. So deep in thought of her, he desperately needed a more tactile reminder.

    It would not do. He took a cleansing breath and moved to purchase his three chosen books not caring to spend any more time in the confines of the shop. He strode quickly home determined to return to work. As he entered the house, he realised that his sister was about to pour tea and he joined her. She was enjoying the use of a new tea caddy that she had purchased recently. She was carefully spooning out the required leaves when her brother entered.

    'For you, Georgiana, I have not been myself. No, I have been rude to you and it will not do. Please accept this token of apology.'

    'Fitzwilliam? You were not rude. No apology is necessary.'

    'And you forgive too much in me, Georgiana. I know now that my manner is not always ... enough. Please accept the book.'

    'Thank you. But please brother, tell me, why are you so intent on your manner? You seem ... almost defensive. As if ... as if ...what has happened to make you so?'

    'Perhaps I have just begun to see another side of myself. Surely improved manners cannot be faulted.'

    'Improved? Why do you feel it necessary to improve your manners? I doubt that any fault could be found.'

    'Georgiana, allow me to indulge myself in this. You are too kind to me to accept any fault and I do indeed have faults.'

    'Well of course, we all do. But nothing of substance.'

    'Which proves what a very well brought up young lady you are. You cannot even tell a brother that he is wrong.'

    'Fitzwilliam, I have never seen you like this and I will not stand for you punishing yourself with faults that do not exist. Is this because of ... what happened?'

    'If you are referring to my error in judgment, then all I can say is that such a ... miscalculation as I made must be considered a turning point.'

    'Why was your offer a miscalculation? It is not wrong to love.'

    'No, it is not wrong to love. But perhaps it is the arrogance that goes with such a love that is wrong.'

    'I am confused again, brother. It is not arrogant to love.'

    'In you my darling, no.'

    'Please do not ... do not be like this.'

    'Like what? Still going over that list Darcy?' said the Colonel as he entered.

    'What list?' asked Georgiana.

    'I think it's time I poured my tea,' said the Colonel, hoping to escape the wrath of Mr. Darcy.

    'I think it's time you packed your bags, cousin. I feel that your status as house guest has lessened considerably.'

    'I am here to see to my ward. You are obviously not ready to play big brother.'

    'Please Richard, Fitzwilliam is unwell,' interrupted Miss Darcy.

    'I am not unwell, dear. And once again you are excusing my abruptness. I am sorry, Fitz, I should not have spoken so.'

    'Well all I can say is continue down her list, cousin. With any luck by the time you get to the bottom of it, I might find this place suitable as my permanent residence in town.'

    He picked up his cup and saucer and walked out, whistling to himself. Georgiana looked puzzled.

    'Brother, what did Richard mean by her list? Did the lady...please tell me about her.'

    He tapped the side of his shoe against the leg of the chair, nervous to begin. He wiped his hand over his mouth almost forbidding it to speak.

    'Fitzwilliam? Can you tell me her name?'

    'She is ... she is dark ... her hair is dark brown, rich. She is ... you are taller. She reads a lot. She sings ... and plays. Not like you ... no not like you. She talks a ... she laughs ... she laughs all the time, smiles.'

    'Is she ... young?'

    'Young? She is ... I think she said she was not yet one and twenty. I must continue with my papers. I will see you at dinner.'

    He escaped quickly, unable to continue with a description of Elizabeth without returning to a period of grief. His library and the many documents not yet perused served his purpose well and the dinner hour arrived quickly.

    Elizabeth, Jane and their aunt returned home to Gracechurch Street also at teatime. However the mood of a busy household with children left no time for conversation between adults. It was some time after dinner that the sisters had the opportunity to talk.

    'You are always worried for me Lizzy but I see that you have taken on a new mood. I have never seen you so contemplative.'

    'Are you anxious to be home, Jane?'

    'I know what you are thinking Lizzy. It seems our family never changes. Sometimes it is nice to be away. You have the Lakes to look forward to.'

    'We are a silly pair. Neither of us are home and we are regretting it already. I think the confines of our society there have left us unable to see things for what they really are.'

    'What do you mean Lizzy?'

    'We think too little perhaps.'

    'Too little?'

    'We see only what is in front of us.'

    'And you are seeking more Lizzy?'

    'I am only seeking the truth. That is, the truth not clouded by...'

    'By what Lizzy?'

    'By opinions ... by prejudice. You see things clearly.'

    'I only try to allow people to be themselves. However my judgment has not been very good lately.'

    'Oh Jane, your judgment is impeccable. It is the rest of us who are at fault...' She could not continue as Mr. Darcy's words infiltrated her mind. He had never seen Jane's interest and she had never seen his. If only people spoke up and expressed themselves.

    'Lizzy?'

    'I am sorry Jane. I was thinking of something someone said to me about just such a thing. But it is of no consequence now.'

    'It seems to have affected you greatly. You seem to be always reviewing your opinions Lizzy.'

    'And perhaps it is due time that I did. I must write to Charlotte, Jane. Please excuse me. I will see you at dinner.'

    Elizabeth retreated to a quiet corner of her uncle's library to write her letter. When she heard the call for dinner, she had only written a few words.

    They both ate in their respective parts of town, Elizabeth dining on a salad of cucumber and tomato served with cold meat and hot potatoes. Mr. Darcy dined on a shoulder of mutton stewed to perfection on a confit of onion and served with braised green vegetables. Neither of them ate dessert and both chose the garden for after dinner strolls in the light of a faded sunset in mid-spring in England. And they both thought of the other as dusk darkened to night and they inhaled the slight crispness of the air.

    Elizabeth returned first to her shared room and enjoyed a pleasant evening talking with Jane about their purchases. It was not until the candle was extinguished that she could fully withdraw into her mind. Was it possible to miss the companionship of a man whom one did not love? Was it wrong to miss it?

    Mr. Darcy moved inside after nine, retreating to his rooms. He removed his clothes and donned a light nightshirt and robe and lay on the couch with his feet crossed. His right hand slid up under his head and he stared at the ceiling. Was she laughing at him? No, as much as he knew of her, he did not think that she would choose this time to laugh at him. Above all else he trusted her. She might not love him but she would never betray his trust. He drifted between sleep and thought, between his Elizabeth and the woman he had lost. Why had she not seen his love? It puzzled him beyond reason. He had always sought to please her, offering to dance with her on their second meeting. He had openly admired her figure at Netherfield. He had always chosen to speak to her and provoke her thoughts and attention. And the ball, Charles' ball. His mind had only been with her. No other woman had his dance. And at Rosings, he had visited her alone, talked to her of life away from Longbourn, of marriage.

    His week of penance was fading and he was beginning to allow himself to analyse what went wrong. He had forgotten nothing and he slowly began to revisit each word, each glance, each touch, using his excellent intellect to stand in her shoes. He had watched her. Could she only see his glare, his stare? And his compliments. They had never been said alone to her. Miss Bingley had nearly always been present. No doubt Elizabeth had thought they were not directed at her. But the ball, she must have felt his pleasure at dancing with her. The feel of her brushing past him, inhaling her presence...and so his thoughts began to turn within once more and his longing for her overcame any rational thoughts he may have had. And he fell into a deep sleep of coloured dreams and mellow events so vivid that he awoke around two o'clock with a yearning so deep and so intense that he could smell her scent around him and feel the touch of her fingers in his.

    Chapter 30

    Posted on Friday, 4 July 2003

    By the time Miss Darcy and her cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam had risen the next morning, Mr. Darcy had already completed an early morning ride and was well into his second hour of business. He was eagerly awaiting his steward so that the business could be completed and he could attend a meeting with two estate associates regarding the problem of water tables in Derbyshire. He had not eaten breakfast but had consumed three cups of richly brewed coffee.

    He began to pace his library punching his fist into his hand in frustration. The man was late. His mind was constantly on Elizabeth and only pressing matters of business or extreme exercise seemed to relieve his nervous tension.

    Mr. Franklin arrived almost a quarter of an hour past the time set by his master and before any business could begin, he asked permission to speak.

    'Mr. Darcy, may I have a word before we begin?'

    'Of course, Franklin, but be quick. You are late.'

    'I would request that I leave immediately sir as there is urgent business that I must attend to regarding my family.'

    'That is most inconvenient! When will you return?'

    'I cannot be sure, Mr. Darcy. It is extremely important. I can explain...'

    'Then be off,' interrupted Mr. Darcy. 'I have no time for explanations.'

    'Thank you sir. I will leave these with you.'

    He stood and as he was about to walk out, Mr. Darcy actually looked at him for the first time since his arrival. His expression shocked Mr. Darcy and suddenly Elizabeth's words flooded through him. Instinctively he moved to put his hand on the arm of his steward but before he actually touched him, he realised the impropriety of such a move and withdrew it, choosing instead to stand with his hands clasped behind his back.

    'Franklin, please you may explain, if you wish.'

    The man turned in surprise. Mr. Darcy had never bothered with anything other than business.

    'My wife, sir, she has been quite ill and as the child is due within two weeks, I wished to return to Derbyshire to be with her.'

    Mr. Darcy flushed with feeling. He had never considered the life or family of his steward. He had only ever dealt with him as a man to be trusted to take care of the day-to-day running of his estate.

    'Then you must be off, sir. Please take care of your wife and your child....Ah...you must be quite happy to be soon a father.'

    'Oh sir, I am already a father four times over. This is our fifth and maybe this is our boy.'

    'You have four daughters, sir?'

    'Yes, Mr. Darcy.'

    'Good luck, sir. And please send me word on the child. I will not expect you back until all is well.'

    His steward left quickly and Mr. Darcy returned to his desk and sat thinking over the encounter. He had never seen the need to bother with the details of other people's lives. He was intensely private himself and could think of nothing worse than talking of his family to outsiders. Yet he could not avoid the fact that he had written of the most private of matters to Elizabeth. As he thought this over he realised that even before he had decided that she must be his, he had always felt the utmost trust in her. There was never a moment when he felt the smallest amount of unease in talking to her of almost anything. He was still contemplating this when there was a gentle knock at the door.

    'Enter.'

    'Fitzwilliam, have you eaten breakfast? I will not stand for my brother getting any thinner.'

    'Georgiana. I have not eaten...do you know much about Franklin?'

    'What do you mean?'

    'His family.'

    'Well I do know that he has a lot of little girls. He once spoke to me of them. Why, dear?'

    'His wife is about to produce another child and I had no idea he was even a father.'

    'He is only your steward. Why should you?'

    'True, Georgiana, but I should have known about him...at least something. I am not proud of ignoring the man.'

    'Have you not seen his family while touring the estate?'

    'Perhaps I ... no doubt I did but I did not choose to notice. I should...'

    'Brother?'

    'Be off, dear. I have business then a meeting. And no, I do not want breakfast.'

    'I will expect you for dinner.'

    'Perhaps, be off.'

    Miss Darcy slid from the room and her brother sat pondering himself and for the first time he began to see the true meaning of Elizabeth's words. He had never taken the time to even consider the people who worked for him, who were beneath him. It had not been done consciously. He had simply never considered it.

    He leaned back in his chair thinking of her charges. He had never thought himself disdainful. He had never mistreated his staff. His mood had always been businesslike and his decisions fair. What more could be needed of a master? And then the thought of his steward once again intruded and he could not help but consider that he had never bothered to know more of any person who worked for him. It was none of his business to enquire of their personal life. But she had found him condescending and selfish in this and again he endeavoured to see himself as others had done and recall their reaction to him. And then his aunt sprang to mind and he recalled the way he reacted to her sometimes and yet he was her dearest nephew. How derisive would she seem to those of lesser consequence? These thoughts would not leave his mind and he was anxious to leave for his meeting. However within half an hour, a note arrived cancelling the meeting. He was thus left with too much time on his hands and he sprang to his feet ready to be off. It would not do to contemplate too much during the day when the duties of family and estate should take precedence.

    He called his man and within ten minutes was entering his carriage. He was off to his club where he hoped news from France as well as talk of the increasing trade from the East would fill his mind. Mr. Darcy's club was on St. James's Street a distance not far from his town house. It was an exclusive club with restricted membership. He had been a member since his coming of age, a privilege gained from his father's long time membership. He was surprised to see his cousin there along with two friends of theirs who had often made up a gaming table. However Mr. Darcy's major reason for membership was purely tradition and honour. A man must be a member of a club, the more exclusive the better for his standing in society, although his standing in society was the prime requisite to being a member in the first place.

    Upon arrival, he was informed at the door that his cousin was there with two friends. The Colonel along with Mr. Dannon and Mr. Sandby beckoned Mr. Darcy to join them. He was reluctant at first as his coming there was for more general conversation. However he could not refuse and soon found himself enjoying his first drink for two days as they awaited a hearty lunch of beefsteak. He had agreed to join them for lunch in an attempt at normality. However the idea of consuming a large meal was still far from appealing.

    'So Darcy, you have been from town for some time. Trouble on the estate?' asked Mr. Dannon.

    'No, it would seem it runs quite well in my absence. Fitzwilliam and I have been in Kent.'

    'Fitz returned some time ago. We expected you back with him.'

    'Indeed, Darcy, where were you?' asked the Colonel with just enough bravado to annoy his cousin.

    'I was ... as you know my sister is still a little young. I needed to spend time with her.'

    'Ah, the divine Miss Darcy. She must be almost out, Darcy,' said Mr. Sandby.

    'Perhaps next season. She is not yet seventeen, Sandby.'

    'And still shy, Darcy? She was extremely shy last time I saw her. That would have been almost a year ago, I think,' replied Mr. Dannon.

    'She is perhaps a little withdrawn.'

    'Well you will be not much help there, sir. For you have no conversation unless the mood takes you,' replied Mr. Dannon.

    'It is no doubt a family trait. We do not...we are not open to all.'

    'And you have no need to be so. After all, the Darcy's of Derbyshire are not desirous of further society. I have no doubt that all can be yours at any time,' said Mr. Sandby. 'Now that you are in town, will you be at the ball?'

    'The ball? I have no memory of a ball.'

    'Alexandria and I are giving a ball. The invitation was certainly delivered,' replied Mr. Sandby.

    'I have had no time to see to invitations. When is...'

    'On Thursday. I expect you will come now.'

    'Aaah, I have much to catch up on. I will do my best.'

    'Better than that, Darcy. I will not abide your refusal. Your society is necessary.'

    'I am sure that it will succeed without my presence.'

    'No indeed! Alex has her cousin staying for some weeks. She is quite exquisite, Darcy. Definitely worth your notice,' said Mr. Sandby.

    The Colonel saw the agony passing over his cousin and sought immediately to relieve him.

    'Darcy, was Thursday the night that Miss Darcy required your presence?' said the Colonel with a direct look at Mr. Darcy. He was ever thankful to his cousin and a brief smile of recognition told him so.

    'I think you may be right, Fitzwilliam. I shall get back to you, Sandby.'

    'And well you might at this late date. She is worth the trouble, sir, I can assure you. It is time you had some heirs, Darcy. A man cannot begin too early,' said Mr. Dannon.

    'I think perhaps he can,' said Mr. Darcy smiling. 'You already have three children, am I right?'

    'Darcy, you never take notice. I have five children, three of whom are sons.'

    'A single man has little time for such detail, Dannon,' said Mr. Darcy.

    'I knew he had five, Darcy. And I am far from married,' replied the Colonel, quickly eliminating any favour that Mr. Darcy was feeling for him.

    'I have been in the country. That is my only excuse. Ah, here is lunch.'

    The meal was served much to Mr. Darcy's relief. Rather than distract him, this visit to his club was causing him discomfort and hurt. The last thing a single man suffering from rejection needs is the constant reminder of children and heirs, let alone balls and ladies. He quickly ate what little food he desired and left his club with his cousin in tow, having no further desire for gentlemen's discussions.

    'Darcy, is there such need to be out of here?'

    'I do not desire that you accompany me, Fitzwilliam. I can get home alone.'

    'But my brother has the carriage and I loathe hiring.'

    'Is Edward in town? I thought he would be gone long before now. I know he cannot abide the summer.'

    'It is hardly summer yet, Darcy. And the girls have yet to finish their music. Edward asked me if Georgiana might listen to them. He has concerns about the teacher.'

    'I am sure she would be delighted to give him advice. But why are you not with your brother?'

    'You mean staying at the house? Because I cannot abide Jane. She is quite the shrew.'

    'That is no way to talk of your sister.'

    'My brother's wife will suffice, Darcy. I am loathe to call her sister.'

    'I have always found her quite pleasant.'

    'Quite pleasant. Listen to yourself, cousin. She is exactly like our aunt and she will have my brother in his grave before he is fifty. He will need the escape.'

    'Richard! I cannot listen to such words. You idolise Edward.'

    'I do indeed. But he has abominable taste in women.' He looked across at Mr. Darcy. 'Unlike you.'

    Mr. Darcy looked back at the Colonel, hoping with his eyes that this conversation would cease.

    'I refuse to ignore her name, Darcy. Miss Bennet was a lady of extraordinary delight and I cannot see you without wishing that she felt otherwise. As you say, I have great feeling for my brother but I have just as much for you, cousin, and my greatest desire is to see you content. I have never seen contentment on your face, Darcy. But at Kent, there were times...sometimes when you looked at her I could see a...a'

    'A look of apathy from the lady, perhaps,' interrupted Mr. Darcy.

    'No. She was not indifferent. At least not that I saw. Perhaps she was baffled by you. There was some interest, of that I can be sure.'

    'Interest in wishing me gone.'

    'Interest in the man. For a lady of opinions such as Miss Bennet, you would definitely present a study.'

    'Richard, I do wish that you would cease this now. It is still some walk to the house and your journey is not assured.'

    'That is exactly what I mean. You have some wit, my friend. It would be desirous to show it more often. Miss Bennet was able to draw it out.'

    'Please Richard. You know what pain this causes.'

    'But it must be spoken of Darcy. These things are not solved by solitude or reticence. Talk to me, talk to Georgiana. But talk of her, Darcy, Allow her to exist in your life. A memory perhaps but not only one of rejection.'

    'Richard, it is at times like this that I wonder at you.'

    'Wonder away, cousin, but allow yourself to accept having loved her. Then you will be free to let her go.'

    'That is the point, cousin. How can I let her go when I never had her?'

    He continued to gaze out across the passing scene with thoughts only on her and the area of town in which she might still reside.

    For Elizabeth, the week passed by quite quickly. In fact much quicker than she thought it would. There were people to meet amongst her aunt and uncle's acquaintances, authors, musicians and even an actor. She shopped, and visited and viewed and listened and filled her every minute with the sights and sounds of a hectic schedule. She often saw a man who reminded her of Mr. Darcy or heard a voice or a comment that could have been his. And at night there was his letter, still perused, still read, sometimes very slowly to gauge a new meaning or sometimes quickly to remind herself of what he had said. Each time she delved into it she came to realise how little she had understood of the world and of herself.

    And during this time she had the extra observance of her sister. The addition of Miss Lucas ensured little time for Elizabeth to discuss much with Jane but there was ample time for silent contemplation. Ensconced in a world almost exclusively made up of ladies such as at Longbourn, she did indeed revisit those thoughts of missing Mr. Darcy. Or perhaps it was simply the variety of ideas including the Colonel's that she desired. Either way, for the first time in her life, Elizabeth Bennet was feeling quite dissatisfied with the constant and never ending chatter of ladies,

    Mr. Darcy endured the second week of his rejection with less vibrancy of feeling than the first. Now it was deeper and more meaningful. To an outsider he was calmer and more in control. To himself he was nothing more than the shell of a man with little left to give. He rode, he walked, he visited his club and caught up with business that had no need for his detail. He did avoid the ball. It was far too soon for society outside his family. He endured a dinner with his cousin Edward, and had nothing but agreement with the Colonel regarding Edward's wife. She had indeed grown into a shrew. They were off to visit Lady Catherine and he had a perverse desire to listen in as these two formidable ladies did battle. Or perhaps they would find solace in similar opinions. Oh what would his Elizabeth have done in their company? He smiled and felt his colour rise at the mere thought.

    He managed to avoid any proximity to the area in which Elizabeth was residing and it was with some strength of character that he achieved this. The temptation to simply be within the locality was extreme.

    Elizabeth, Jane and Miss Lucas returned to the country in the third week and were met at the change by Lydia and Kitty with their father's coach. They first invited their sisters and friend to a light repast at the inn and it was there that Lydia told them that the regiment was soon off to Bath and that Miss King had left the district and Mr. Wickham was no longer engaged. The constant talk of officers and Mr. Wickham brought his letter to Elizabeth's mind once more and she could only think of the gratitude that Miss King would feel if she knew of all Mr. Wickham's dealings.

    The small troupe all crammed into the modest carriage for the trip to Longbourn and was dubiously entertained by constant arguments between Lydia and Kitty and persistent gossip from them both. They arrived to a large welcome from the remainder of their family as well as the Lucases who had come to greet Mariah. The dining room was filled with talk and news. Lunch was barely finished before Lydia and Kitty decided to walk to Meryton to catch up on the latest reports of the regiment. Elizabeth refused to join them although she desired the exercise as she felt it imprudent to be seen so quickly in town and talking to officers. Her awareness of her family and its actions were now uppermost in her mind and she was constantly mortified at their exhibits even within their own home.

    By the time she had properly greeted her father and mother and spoken of Mrs. Collins to her parents and brothers and sisters, there was no time to speak to Jane of her news and she resolved that the early morning would be the best to disclose what she could of his offer and resulting letter.

    Mr. Darcy had now managed to fill his calendar and it was with some surprise that he found time during the first half of the third week to spend a whole evening in the company of his sister.

    'That was quite wonderful, dear. Have you another that I have not heard?'

    'Not as yet. I have a little more practice required. I am so happy that you can spend the evening with me, brother. But perhaps we should talk of you now. The whole evening has been filled with my engagements.'

    'I do not wish to speak of anything less than you.'

    'But I wish to, Fitzwilliam. Are you feeling recovered?'

    'I have not been ill, Georgiana. Merely distracted.'

    'And so sad. I cannot feel any pleasure in meeting this lady if she has caused you such pain.'

    'You would delight in her, dear. Your smile would light up as her words crossed your ears. I can hear her praising your playing and your voice. And she would be so...I should not speak of her so. It...'

    'How can you praise her so when she has hurt you? I could never praise Mr. Wi...'

    'This is entirely different, dear,' said Mr. Darcy quickly. 'Miss Bennet did not hurt me. That was all my own doing in presuming too much.'

    'Miss Bennet, that is her name.'

    'Miss Elizabeth Bennet. She has an older sister.'

    'I still cannot find any need to meet her.'

    'I doubt you ever will. As she lives in Hertfordshire with little society there would be no opportunity.'

    'How did she come to be in Kent?'

    'She was visiting her friend, Mrs. Collins. The parson's wife. You remember Collins.'

    'Oh that talkative man, with nothing to say. Although our aunt does seem to enjoy his company. When I stayed she had him for dinner countless times.'

    'I am glad that I was not the only one forced to endure him. He was also in Hertfordshire so I did double duty.

    'Is that how he met Mrs. Collins? They are newly married I think.'

    'Yes, it is only some months. She was a childhood friend of Miss Bennet's. In fact he is the Bennet heir, entailed I think.'

    'So Miss Bennet has not brothers?'

    'Not a one. Although she has four sisters.'

    'Oh I would have loved to have a sister. Imagine having four.'

    'Having seem them I could think of nothing less desirous. They have nothing to offer.'

    'I do not understand. You made an offer to Miss Elizabeth.'

    'She and her sister are rare gems in a sea of frenzy.'

    'Tell me more of her.'

    'There is nothing more. I have told you of her appearance. You now know her name.'

    'But what of her accomplishments. What does she like?'

    'Well not me!'

    'Fitzwilliam! I will not stand for your cynicism.'

    'She likes to walk and of great distances. She plays and reads and I have seen her work, although I think it is not her favourite occupation. She is lively. We would never have agreed on things.'

    'What things? Liveliness? You are sometimes lively.'

    'We...she disagreed with me on some matters.'

    'What matters? Were your talks so serious?'

    'Quite so. She is...'

    'You may tell me.'

    'She tempts...she tempted me to say things that were perhaps too serious.'

    'Fitzwilliam, would I have liked her? You have told me little to think so.'

    'You would have liked her, of that I am sure. I think her manner with me would have surprised you. She is not like other ladies of our acquaintance.'

    'Did Lady Catherine like her?'

    'I think she did, in her place. Our aunt likes all things in their place including her dinner guests. She did always wish to hear what Miss Bennet had to say although it may simply have been because she was left out of the conversation.'

    'So you spent some time alone talking with Miss Bennet?'

    'Too little I suspect. But yes, some time. I will not have you thinking ill of her, Georgiana. Any problems ensuing from our acquaintance are all my doing. I saw too much, expected too much. It was a misjudgment of her feelings. She is not to blame.'

    'I cannot forgive so easily. From what little I know, her words were hurtful.'

    'Perhaps I was too blind for less. I am very tired, my dear. Will you allow me to retire?'

    'Good night, Fitzwilliam. Sleep well.'

    He smiled and left the room, quickly taking the stairs to his rooms. That night he slept a little longer, waking just as anxious for her but with a feeling of some resurgence in spirits. It had helped to speak of her and allow himself to express to others the things he saw in her. She was most probably gone from town now. Perhaps the distance was helping. He lay on his back staring once more at the intricate ceiling pattern imagining what she may be looking at that moment. He was far from recovered as every movement of his was related to what he supposed hers might be. However he was able to think of her without tears in his eyes. His pain was mellowing to that part of him that was too deep for anyone else to find, embedded into the core of his heart leaving it burned and hollow.

    Chapter 31

    Posted on Tuesday, 8 July 2003

    Elizabeth woke early, so impatient to speak to Jane that she was almost inclined to wake her sister. However she managed to wait until breakfast was over and they had the opportunity for privacy. Elizabeth had now had so long to absorb her news that any reaction from her sister was going to be of no surprise. She had gone over her words again and again, preparing to say what was necessary to relate her tale but with no details that could be painful to Jane. Of course she had considered not disclosing anything of what happened in Kent but a lady of Elizabeth's standing could not help but allow her vanity to show at moments like these. Any woman in England would have been flattered by an offer from Mr. Darcy but it was Elizabeth's to hold forever. She was his first choice and that was definitely a moment that could never be forgotten. Thus it was with some satisfaction that she spoke to Jane.

    'So Lizzy, what is this news?'

    'I think this will shock you Jane. Mr. Darcy made me an offer.'

    'An offer! You mean he wants to marry you?'

    'Yes, but you must know I could never accept him Jane. You already know my feelings for him.

    'Oh Lizzy! I cannot believe it. What did he say? When? In Kent?'

    'Yes. But you know that I had no idea he would be there.'

    'How ... I mean ... I cannot believe this. Please, tell me everything.

    Well he began with ... well he began by telling me of the depth of his feeling...'

    'Oh Lizzy!'

    'However that was soon countered by a detailed explanation of why the offer was so hard for him to make.'

    'What do you mean?'

    'Well he spoke of our lack of connections amongst other things. Our unsuitability in his society. It was all most disagreeable, just as I always thought of him.'

    'Lizzy were you expecting him? There must have been some improvement in your association while in Kent or he would never have made such an offer.'

    'I saw no change in him in Kent. He was ever withdrawn, silent and disapproving.'

    'I have never seen that disapproval that you speak of. He is very reserved but that does not infer anything other than his nature. It is not a fault.'

    'I think the most disturbing part was his assurance that he would be accepted. How arrogant.'

    'But he did love you Lizzy. He did admire you.'

    'Of that I have no doubt. His words were definitely those of admiration. But his conceit in expecting me to accept was beyond belief. And his words regarding his hesitancy and reluctance to even speak to me made it impossible for me to accept. I must tell you Jane that in my refusal I brought into account some things that I knew of his relationship with Mr. Wickham and which I now regret. I should not have said them.'

    Jane's affection for Elizabeth was such that Mr. Darcy's admiration for her seemed natural. However she did think that his presumption of acceptance was very wrong. But Jane was always the mediator and she soon began to feel for him and how much greater his pain would be after such feelings.

    'Lizzy, if he had chosen better ... if he had not spoken of his reluctance to speak to you, would you have accepted him?'

    Elizabeth had indeed pondered such thoughts but she found it difficult to answer in her heart. After all, a lady will always consider all possibilities in such an event. It just cannot be helped. If she had not known or suspected him of any interference in Mr. Bingley's movements and if Mr. Darcy had only stated his affection, she knew that she might have had to consider her answer more carefully. However, this was not the time to express such thoughts. To every one else, including Jane, she felt no hesitancy in replying.

    'Oh no Jane. I could never marry Mr. Darcy. We would never get on at all. We disagree on too many things.'

    'I admit that you did disagree on certain points but I think you quite like to have opinions, Lizzy, and the fact that they differ from others never seems to concern you.'

    'I will admit that I do not mind a sensible disagreement. But it is impossible for me to think more of marrying Mr. Darcy. There were more considerations that will always cloud my view. It could never be.'

    Elizabeth then reluctantly admitted that his hurt had been somewhat in her mind but it was soon countered by her memory of his words. She then felt it necessary to ask Jane if her decision was wrong as they both knew the difference it would have made to the family situation. Jane, of course, could never blame Elizabeth for anything. She readily accepted her sister's decision without qualm.

    Elizabeth was now left with his letter that she could never actually show Jane. In fact the very act of writing to her had to be handled delicately. Jane was once again shocked to hear that he had written privately to her sister and delivered it by hand the next day. Elizabeth then related that part of his letter that detailed his dealings with Mr. Wickham and Jane was caught again in her desire for good in all men. Mr. Darcy's details were such that they must be the truth yet Jane persisted in an attempt to find some good in Mr. Wickham.

    Elizabeth, with the benefit of the actual letter and more time to think on it, could find no reason to continue to think well of Mr. Wickham in any respect. She pondered the irony that the man they found most likable had proved despicable and the man they had determined to hate had proved most honourable. Mr. Darcy's account left no room for discernment and he was proved completely right in Elizabeth's eyes and she would stand for nothing less in Jane's. She did not even stop to wonder at her reasons for defending him.

    For Jane this was all news that required some time from which to recover. She was so shocked at the proposal and then the horrid news of Mr. Wickham's duplicity that she felt part of her world had crumbled. She had such feeling for Mr. Darcy's anguish in all this and his torment at having to relate such details of his sister whom both ladies knew was so dear to him. Jane could not be consoled as she thought over his feelings for her sister and she soon asked Elizabeth what distress she herself must be in.

    Indeed Elizabeth was finding the whole conversation very difficult. She had thought herself quite removed from it by now and able to handle anything that was brought up. But Jane's constant words and thoughts about Mr. Darcy's suffering were pain to Elizabeth. In fact the feelings she had on first reading his letter had grown considerably and she now felt more guilt and mortification than at any time in her life. However Elizabeth could not allow her sister to see that. To be so affected by the event would perhaps bring on that tinge of regret which she had been fighting for weeks. And although she accused Mr. Darcy of hiding his feelings by reserve, she was no better herself as she hid her feelings behind her wit. Thus she told Jane that she had no residual feelings as Jane had enough for both of them.

    And so just as Mr. Darcy withdrew in such situations and said too little, Elizabeth said too much, using her words and wit to blind outsiders and herself to any flicker of feeling that she may have had. At least Mr. Darcy had the fortune to understand that his reluctance was not through lack of affection or feeling. However Elizabeth had not reached that part of herself. His letter had given her new insight but she had yet to understand the need within her to have a companion who challenged and taunted her and enabled her to reach greater heights in her thinking and understanding of the world.

    Jane, meanwhile, was sure that her sister must have been quite overcome on receiving such a letter and from a man who had professed his love. This was one thing that Elizabeth could agree on. She had felt quite disturbed and had no one with whom to speak on the subject. Jane then could not help but state what Elizabeth had already accepted, that the strength of her favourable words about Mr. Wickham must be her greatest regret. This moved Elizabeth to her next problem. Should they disclose to others what Mr. Darcy had told her in his letter? On this point Jane's advice was once again conciliatory. She could see no need to speak of it and as any young woman with limited experience in the world but holding great respect within her own sphere, Elizabeth gladly took that to heart. She had no wish to be in a position to discuss her previous praise of such a contemptible man. It was best ignored as he was leaving the district within two weeks. She was only too ready to leave the population with its established opinion of both men rather than face the degree with which her prejudice might have influenced it.

    Elizabeth was now relieved of two of her secrets. The third regarding Mr. Darcy's interference in Mr. Bingley's leaving Netherfield was something that she could never discuss with Jane. It was always to be something reserved for her own contemplation. She could talk to Jane on any of the remainder with complete assurance of a sympathetic ear but the subject of Mr. Bingley must be stored away and spoken of only if some resolution had taken place and even then Elizabeth was unsure how to ever bring it up. Part of her reticence was the renewed feeling in the weakness of Mr. Bingley in allowing his friend's influence but there was also the nagging concern that she did not want Mr. Darcy's part to ever be known as it would lower him in the eyes of others. They would not seek to understand his reasoning the way she had. She was confused about why that concerned her but it did and so she was left in the quandary of a young woman whose feelings were just awakening.

    For Mr. Darcy, the disclosure of his encounter with Elizabeth had less resolution. He had told both his sister and his cousin what little could ever be said but he was far from considering them sympathetic. His sister held some justifiable dislike for Elizabeth that added to his pain and his cousin was somewhat displeased with him. After another two days of frantic activity he encountered the Colonel alone one evening.

    'Fitzwilliam, I thought you would be out this evening,' said Mr. Darcy.

    'No Darcy, you have me all to yourself. Georgiana is dining in her rooms as she wishes to improve her Italian.'

    'Oh ... just you then.'

    'And it seems that I may dine alone as well. I really do not wish to indulge in further maudlin sighs and stares.'

    'I am in reasonable spirits, cousin. Have no fear.'

    'Then things are improving.'

    'No. Things cannot improve. I simply have begun to work towards a life filled with something other than...'

    'Miss Elizabeth Bennet. You can say her name.'

    'I can. I told Georgiana her name.'

    'Yes, she informed me. She blames a lot of this on Miss Bennet.'

    'I am aware of that. Nothing I say seems to change her mind. I can feel her resentment.'

    'Only natural Darcy. She has little of the details. In fact we none of us have details. I do not suppose that you would be willing to...'

    'Indeed I would not. I have spoken enough of the event. And I expect complete secrecy in this from you cousin. Suffice to say that the blame is mine and mine alone. Miss Bennet was not expecting my affections, had no desire to ever expect my affections and thus it was my misjudgment, my mistake that brought this down on all of us. It will never happen again.'

    'Next time you should ask my advice. I am sure I could advise you well.'

    'On marriage? I hardly think so, cousin. And besides, you can be sure when I say I will not be pursuing a bride again.'

    'You mean that you never intend to marry?'

    'No!'

    'Now those are the words of a man rejected. Time will improve your opinion on this.'

    'I assure you, it will not. I am old enough to know that I am a man who will only love like this once in his life. I have no desire at all for a lesser affection.'

    'And heirs?'

    'Must fall to Georgiana.'

    'My god, if she only knew.'

    'I am sure Georgiana will respect my decision.'

    'I was not thinking of your sister. I wonder what Miss Bennet would say if she knew how deeply you love her.'

    'Must you?'

    'Yes I must. I honestly wonder if her decision would have been different if she had known.'

    'She knew. For the one and only time in my life, cousin, I expressed my affection for her as coherently and as meaningfully as is possible. I left no doubt. I have already told you this.'

    'I suppose at the time I failed to see what this would cause you, Darcy.'

    'Well now you know.'

    'Darcy, as difficult as this might be to answer, can you tell me if you are still suffering from her words? Or is this decision of yours based simply on the fact of her refusal?'

    Mr. Darcy looked across the room, seeing nothing, as he thought of her.

    'My decision is not simple. I cannot love another as I love Miss Bennet. I have accepted that. As for my...my reaction to all this ... all I shall say is that every part of it ... that evening ... has affected me. Good god this is hard!'

    'Of course. But it must be dealt with.'

    'Oh believe me, it has been. Miss Bennet dealt with it quite well.'

    'Are you resentful?'

    'No, I am resigned. It is enough. I must move on with my life. I can see that.'

    'But to never have children, Darcy. A man needs an heir. You need an heir.'

    'Pemberley needs an heir. It need not come from me.'

    'Darcy, is it possible...is there a way you can see her again?'

    'I have some pride, sir.'

    'But if she knew, Darcy. If she knew the circumstances.'

    'What do you mean?'

    'Wickham! You told me that she had listened to his lies. Is there a way she can be informed of the truth without ... while still maintaining the privacy of the family?'

    Suddenly Mr. Darcy felt flushed. How could he tell his cousin that he had written to Elizabeth disclosing it all and that he had delivered the letter to her himself? He knew that this was a subject that could only ever be between Elizabeth and himself as his very act went against all the rules of propriety that this family lived by.

    'This is all too difficult, Fitzwilliam. I cannot continue.'

    He rose quickly, turning to the door.

    'When are you to Pemberley?'

    Mr. Darcy looked back at his cousin.

    'I have not decided. I think July. My plans are changed...I have no need to return now.'

    'No need?'

    'I have things to do in town. Things I have neglected.'

    'Here in town? I cannot think of any. Are you avoiding Pemberley?'

    'No! Why should I avoid my home? I just have no need to be there as yet.'

    'Because you had made decisions regarding your return and they have not...'

    'Richard, I will not have you as my guest if you continue to presume...'

    'You have me precisely because I presume, Darcy. You cannot abide continual niceties, which reminds me of Bingley. From what I hear of him, I cannot understand your friendship.'

    'Bingley is not always the man he allows the world to see. He is not all smiles.'

    'I thought perhaps you endured him to counter your dourness.'

    'It is time you found another occupation other than me, cousin. Goodnight.'

    He strode across the small reception room and down the hallway to the kitchens. His entry there, particularly late at night brought a scurry of activity as the servants present and the scullery maids all tried to look busy. His man was enjoying a late supper and was first to speak.

    'Mr. Darcy, may I be of assistance?'

    'Ah, no Geoffrey. Actually, yes. I will have...see me in my rooms.'

    He spun round and marched back towards the stairs taking them two at a time. His door was firmly closed by the time his man knocked.

    'Sir?'

    'Oh...I will be leaving early before breakfast. I am to the auctions and wish to be early at the viewing. The colts are said to be particularly good this year.'

    'Will I accompany you sir?'

    'Ah, no, no. Franklin has left Emery with all the details. He will accompany me.'

    'Do you wish me further tonight, sir?'

    'No...have you ever been to Cheapside?'

    'I have indeed sir. I have a brother who lives there.'

    'Have you indeed, Geoffrey. And where in Cheapside?'

    'Young Street, sir.'

    'Oh, is that ... anywhere near Gracechurch Street?'

    'Quite near sir. One must pass down the south end to get to my brother's home.'

    'Trade ... it is an area of tradesmen?'

    'It does not boast shops, sir. It is made up of warehouses at one end and there are houses at the other. Most of the tradesmen live there.'

    'I see.'

    'It is not an unsafe area, sir. That is if you wish to visit.'

    'Ah, no, no. Goodnight.'

    'Goodnight sir.'

    His man quietly closed the door to the bedroom and he could be heard for some time fussing in the dressing room before withdrawing for the night. Mr. Darcy had taken a position at his desk, spinning in his chair to peruse the large bookcase behind him. As his eyes passed along the titles, he wondered what she was reading now. Perhaps some book on the evils of marriage. His thoughts of Cheapside were foolish. He imagined her home now, in her room alone preparing for bed. She would probably walk in the morning with the improved weather. Not that any weather seemed to stop her. Would there be more assemblies? There would soon be more gentlemen. Of that he had no doubt. Would his rashness affect her decisions elsewhere? Would she rush into ... no, she would not rush. She was not influenced by fortune or by estate. And connections meant nothing to her. She would marry for love and that thought brought him the greatest pain of all. He could live his life knowing that she had loved no other. But to think of her ... his mind could not help but envisage her alone with another in situations that he felt should be his only ... how he wanted her in his bed.

    And then he realised that he could not stand to think of her unhappy. At least in that he was not selfish. No she would marry only for love and the man who gained his Elizabeth would be the most fortunate man on earth. He would have no need of fortune, estate or connections because he would have her. It is seldom that a man in Mr. Darcy's position regrets the opulence in his life. When one is born with everything, it is impossible to think of less. But at these times he did because it was that very privilege that was his birthright that had led to this terrible anguish and hurt. Without that she would probably be his.

    He retired at ten and was asleep within a few minutes. He slept heavily and with dreams of Pemberley and his mother, waking very early as usual with vivid recollections of every aspect of his dreamtime. His conscious thoughts of Elizabeth melded into his visions of Pemberley and he sighed at the irony that she would never see it.

    He would be busy most of the day with the auctions and he hoped to procure a new mount for Georgiana to include in the substantial list of gifts he had secured for her birthday. Her present mare had reached an age where the cold of Derbyshire affected her bones. Yes he would purchase a filly for his sister and some new blood for his stables. As always, his man was ready early with hot water for a bath, a warmed robe, linen towels for drying and clothing perfectly suited for a day amongst horses. He left in his carriage at seven with no word when he would be returning. The stock was indeed fine but the prices were in line with such breeding. However he was in such a mood that senseless spending was of no consequence and he paid an exorbitant amount for a fine filly with a faultless bloodline.

    He had spent almost the whole day inspecting the fouls and watching prices and had only secured a meagre offering for lunch. When he returned to his town house it was well past seven and Georgiana was eating alone. After a short greeting he intended to retire to his library but she insisted he stay even though she told him he smelled of stables.

    'I really should wash first, dear. At least give me five minutes for that.'

    'Five minutes is all, brother. You cannot escape me tonight.'

    He washed quickly and changed his coat and boots, returning to the dining room with a much more pleasant scent around him.

    'This is probably not something a sister should say but Fitzwilliam you are indeed a wonderful looking man. I hope that one day I find someone as handsome as you.'

    'Such flattery but it means nothing from you.' He laughed heartily.

    'Well it should. I do know a handsome man when I see him.'

    'Should I be aware of something here? Are you trying to tell me...'

    'Oh indeed not. I have yet to even speak to a young man without recalling my misjudgments. I doubt I will ever get over them.'

    'You just need some time and perhaps some confidence. We could look at another companion if you wish. Or even an additional one. Someone who is younger than Mrs. Annesley.'

    'No thank you, brother. I am quite happy. I just wish I had a relative with whom I could visit. Edward's girls are too young and Anne is ... quiet.'

    'Anne is overpowered by our aunt and her experience in society is too limited. There is Jane.'

    'Oh Fitzwilliam, please do not force me to spend time with Jane. She is too harsh in her tone and quite frightens me. I cannot understand how Edward permits her to speak so.'

    'Perhaps he is just used to her. People change throughout their lives, dear.'

    'You have changed, brother. Miss Bennet has changed you.'

    'Perhaps but that cannot all be bad. I am sure I am improved by her acquaintance. She is stimulating company.'

    'But she dislikes you.'

    'She chose not to marry me, Georgiana. We cannot blame her for not wishing to be part of my life.'

    'But I can for hurting you as she did. Surely your pain has not been simply because she refused you. I think she must have done something more.'

    'We disagreed. I have told you that. I do wish that you would not think so ill of her. She is quite an exceptional lady. You must trust me in this.'

    'I think you see only good in her, brother.'

    'Do you trust my opinion on other matters?'

    'On most matters. You have abominable taste in ladies' boots.'

    'And you are cheeky! Do you trust me?'

    'I do, dear. You know I do.'

    'Then trust me in this. Miss Bennet is worthy of your praise, not your censure.'

    'Then I will say no more.'

    'Thank you. I only wish you had been able to meet her.'

    'And so do I. For then I would know what kind of lady you like and could perhaps find another for whom marriage to my darling brother would be welcome,' said Miss Darcy with a laugh.

    Mr. Darcy laughed with his sister and then went quietly solemn.

    'I cannot think of marriage again so soon. In fact I do not think I will marry at all.'

    'Fitzwilliam! Not ever? It cannot be so.'

    'Indeed it can. I think I am too ... difficult to marry. You know that I am rarely agreeable.'

    'You do not tolerate fools. There is a difference. I hope you do marry. I do wish for a sister.'

    'Then look to Richard. I really must take a bath. The stench of horses is still upon me. Goodnight, dear.'

    'But Fitzwilliam...'

    Mr. Darcy had disappeared. He took to his library and to the brandy, relapsing into a night of oblivion. He had no use of talk that reminded him of his loss ... their loss. He would speak no more of her. He could not.

    That night Elizabeth also retreated to her room and her private thoughts. Jane had been kind and thoughtful but all day had persisted in questions that she could not answer truthfully. Why should such an offer refused be so different to the previous one by Mr. Collins? Elizabeth could not answer that. Instead she chose to cease speaking of him as she could no longer do so with honesty.

    And as most people of great intellect do, they slept fitfully, their minds too involved to allow true rest. They each began the new day with determination to think little of the other. And as most people of great intellect whose skills of avoidance are greater than others, they believed this was possible. And they each in their own way built up the walls necessary to distance themselves from the world so that when it became necessary, they could find the distance between each other.

    Continued In Next Section

    © 2003 Copyright held by the author.