Posted on Friday, 13 February 2004
When Darcy casually glancing out his window one morning, he thinks his entire life seems is at an end.
Darcy was pleasantly sitting in the upper parlor reading ‘Some Thoughts Concerning Education’ by John Locke. The master of Pemberley had longed to read the essay, having read other works by the author.
A movement out the window caused him to look up, and his pleasant expression changed to one of abject shock. There in the far meadow were two riders obviously enjoying giving the horses their head to gallop swiftly about. He rose, standing transfixed watching the activity beyond the glass, the book slipping from his hands.
How can this be?
Even at this distance, he recognized her. After these two short years of marriage, he had etched her every nuance into his brain. His wife, Elizabeth, who was deathly afraid of his horses, was atop a large roan galloping head long toward one of the many hedges that separated the meadows. He held his breath and watched until both horse and rider scaled the height unharmed and fearlessly moved onward out of his sight.
As he finally released the now stale air within his lungs, he panted in order to give his mind a chance to process what he had just seen.
She was on horseback… unafraid…capable. And was accompanied by…whom?
He tried to recollect anything about the other rider; for his eyes had been focused on his wife the entire time. Sitting down again, he closed his eyes, resting his head on arms propped upon his knees, his fingers massaging his temples, trying to relax enough to think clearly.
Somehow he finally managed to remember the man’s attire, the color of his horse, his posture in his seat. Slowly Darcy opened his eyes, knowing he had memorized all he could of the stranger, and would know both he and his horse should they ever meet.
Slumping into the chair now, his book forgotten, he tried to think of some rational explanation for the scene out the window.
Ever since our marriage she has yet to be comfortable around his horses, citing a childhood experience that traumatized her against the enjoyment. I had hoped to coax her into some form of understanding of this activity. And here before my eyes, she was riding with such pose and grace as any horsewoman that I have ever taken note.
He rose from the chair and leaned both hands against the mantle above the hearth, trying to reconcile the two so diverse pieces of information battling in his mind, finally reaching the only conclusion possible.
She has been lying to about this. Why?
He began pacing about the room now, examining his life with her as his wife, exhausting his memories for any reason she would have for deceiving him. Then his mind asked one pertinent question and then another.
Who was that man accompanying her? How else has she deceived me?
He closed his eyes, and swallowed as his next thoughts ran rampant through his mind.
She has taken up with another because of what we lack in our marriage.
His eyes misted and he tensed his jaw so tightly his teeth hurt, but it was nothing to the pain of his heart rupturing within his chest.
She has given up on me at last. She must have never truly forgiven me for my behavior before our marriage, and has now begun to lead a separate life from ours.
With that revelation he sat back down, head in hands, so dejected at knowing the only woman he had ever loved had betrayed him in this manner. Not long after his utter desolation of his shattered love surfaced, there came an equally destructive feeling, one of reprisal.
We will speak of this, Lizzy, when you return, and then I have you shipped back to your childhood home. Longbourn will welcome you, as I no longer can.
He waited quietly, diligently watching from the upper window, his inner turmoil rising as the day progressed. His eyes narrowed when at last he saw her approach. Great was his surprise when Elizabeth returned in the carriage, and not in the riding habit in which she had been garbed during her ride, but in the summer dress that she had worn when she departed over three hours ago. He went down to join her as the driver slowed the horse to a stop and the servants took hold of the reins.
She smiled at him as he opened the carriage door and took her hand to aid her out. She tiptoed to give his cheek a sweet kiss. He did not return her smile, but kept a calm countenance while in front of the servants.
“I have ordered tea in the parlor.”
“Thank you, William,” she said, as they walked up the steps and into the house.
Removing her gloves, and pulling the ribbons loose to remove her bonnet she smiled at him. When she unbuttoned her Spencer, he aided her in removing it. Taking advantage of his close proximity to her, he inhaled her lavender scented toilet water that she always wore and had always enthralled him. But he noted an additional odor about her person now, that of horse. He pursed his lips, but still kept his face from betraying his turmoil.
“Where did you say you were going today?”
She looked directly into my eyes and lied.
“I have been to one of the tenant houses to help care for the Reilly’s infant twins. Mrs. Reilly had a difficult birthing you remember, and I offered to help her until she got on her feet again. Did I not tell you all this at breakfast, my love?”
He had to look away from her to keep his composure.
Is that what you call him now, Lizzy? Your Love?
They walked the short distance into the parlor and onward to the tea table. She poured two cups while he attempted to answer her question put to him.
“Yes, I seemed to recall that you did mention something of it,” he replied neutrally. “How old are the twins now?”
“They were born in early June, so that would make them almost one month old now.”
“I recall your attending them almost from the time of their birth, a boy and a girl, is it not?
“Yes, they are growing quite rapidly now, both thriving in that small, crowded cottage.”
And as she spoke of them, he saw that dreamy look appear upon her face again, and he almost forgave her. His guilt of their inability to conceive a child weighed heavily on his mind.
Of course you would want to tend to the babes, just to be near something so miraculous.
But then he remembered what he had seen from the window, and another emotion reared its ugly head as he sipped his tea, and he continued his quiet interrogation of her.
“And you were there all this time?”
“William, the Reilly’s have five other children as well, and the house is always joyfully chaotic. I actually had a wonderfully busy time there.”
Unaware, her comment had cut him to the quit.
How can you say such a thing? As if you would rather be there than here with me.
He looked away for a moment to regain his mask then asked, “I was planning on an afternoon ride. Why do you not…join me?”
And before he had completed his question he saw her shaking her head.
“You know how I feel about our horses, William.”
“Yes,” he said quietly, keeping up the pretense. “But surely you must be getting use to ours at this point. I have shown you how tame they are now with Mr. Greenly and I training them constantly that you might be able to mount one.”
You have already lied twice to me, Lizzy. Are you going to thrice lie?
“No,” was her only reply.
“No? Are you sure you have nothing more to say on the matter?”
He rose and his eyes now flashed with the anger of a jealous man thinking his wife being untruthful to him, perhaps even unfaithful. Yes, his mind jumped quickly to that conclusion. His eyes narrowed and bore into her with such venom as he stared at her, his jaw set tight.
She saw his changed manner toward her and knew she had been found out. She bit her lower lip and shook her head and looked away.
Yes, look away. You can’t even look me in the face now, can you?
But when she met his gaze once more, he was completely taken aback by her countenance. It showed nothing of repentance, nor did give an appearance of any guilt of her actions, nor did she act as one defiant, daring to defy propriety for what she had done to him.
As he stared at her, he was astonished that she seemed to be trying not to smile, and her eyes twinkled in that way when she found something quite amusing. Her eyebrows rose, and she waited for him to continue.
What is this superior attitude t? Do you not know I have found you out?
He finally spoke with the low whisper, as though he were a volcano ready to erupt. “How dare you?”
Now it was she who stared at him. “William, what do you mean?”
“You were with a man. I saw you.”
She tried to tease. “Are you sure it was I?”
He gave such a stare at her incredulous question, seething. “Yes, I would know you form anywhere.”
She nodded her head, not denying the truth. He continued his accusation.
“You were riding a horse!”
Again she nodded, staring at him innocently.
“With a man!”
“Oh, William,” she sighed, trying with difficulty not to burst out laughing. This only incensed him further.
“If he were here right now I would…” he threatened, not sure how he could contain himself from throttling the man with his bare hands.
She hid her smile behind her hand, teasing him. “Perhaps it is a good thing then that he is not. I doubt he would survive should you resort to fisticuffs.”
“You defend him?”
“Yes, of course.”
He gave her a most shocked stare, and couldn’t stop himself asking further, “And do you love him?”
Barely able to contain her glee now she replied, “Of course, I love him, William. Why should I not?”
His face fell into an expression of total despair as though a death knell had pealed.
This is the last straw! How can my life be more miserable?
Controlling her emotions, she now looked seriously into her angry husband eyes, now so dissolute and dejected. Realization upon her face of her own folly, and now she was intent on telling him all.
“William, is not there something you have neglected to note of him?”
“I wish to know nothing about him,” he sighed, pouring a glass of brandy and drinking half of it down only now to have to endure such a burning sensation.
How could she expect me to wish to know of him? How she tortures me.
Seeing that she could not continue with this line, she changed tactics then, and asked a quite different question of him. “William, have you noticed any volumes going missing of late in the library?”
He gaped at her, baffled by her changing the topic to something of no real importance at the moment. “Good Lord! Of what significance does that have to bear on our present discussion?”
But when she made no other reply, and only stared into her husband’s eyes, he knew her well enough to ascertain that unless he answered her query, the later topic would not be revisited.
And as he composed his reply, it gave him time to cool his temper. He looked away from her lovely face and drank his brandy, much slower now.
He closed his eyes and sighed. “Yes, Madam, I had noticed. I did not realize we had a literary thief among our staff. But I have compiled a list of those books which are missing, no doubt to be sold for G-d knows what addiction.”
She pressed her point. “And when you compiled your list, what did it tell you of the…thief?”
His eyebrows rose as he thought deductively. “That the missing volumes were of subjects that I thought no one but myself or perhaps you would be interested in reading.”
“No one else to your knowledge has a superior mind enough to ingest such volumes?”
“Well, perhaps the only other person of my acquaintance to share those interests would be your father-” A shocked expression overtook him as he stared at her.
No! It cannot be!
“But he is at Longbourn.”
Her stare was one of calm serenity. “Are you sure, William? You say you recognized me. Did you not also get a good look at the other rider?”
“I confess I did not.” He shut his eyes, shaking his head at his own stupidity.
Great G-d! I am such a fool!
She sighed and knelt at his feet, staring into his face, now so guilty for his mistrust of her that he could not keep her gaze.
“Do you realize, Lizzy, that you have married a complete ass?”
She leaned her elbows on his knees, and rested her face in her hands, and sighed. “I think it says something about a man so in love that he is incensed when his wife deceives him. I am truly sorry, William.”
No, I can’t let her take the blame.
“Lizzy, you have never given me the slightest reason to feel this way. Can you ever forgive me?”
“There is nothing to forgive, dear William.”
He pulled her up into his lap, and kissed her tenderly, and then held her to his chest.
I don’t deserve her.
She tried to give him an explanation. “I thought it a good idea at the time we embarked upon it, sir. I wished it be a surprise.”
“Then in that you have succeeded,” he quipped. She caressed his cheek, and he kissed her hand, and then intertwined his fingers with hers. And she smiled at him when he gazed into her lovely face.
“And are you going to tell where you have hidden your father?”
“He is visiting with Charles and Jane at their nearby estate.”
Of course, he would be sequestered there. So Bingley knew of this too?
She snuggled her head into his chest as his arms tightened around her. “Since Mother passed away and all us married and gone, Longbourn is too empty, and far too quiet for Father to enjoy for any duration. When I told him of my plan he offered his services, and came to the Reilly’s each morning to aid me.”
“Then this was a conspiracy.” Darcy smiled as he realized some of his tenants were apprised of her plan, and most likely several of his servants.
I shall have to have a talk with Mr. Reilly. Maybe we can add a room to the back of the cottage without much bother.
“I had the best intentions, William.”
“Of that I have no doubt.” Then he felt her tremble in his embrace.
“I never would have embarked on such a venture had I known it would cause you such anguish.”
Oh, no. Please don’t cry, my love, not for such a poor excuse for a husband.
“No, please,” he whispered, kissing her mouth. “I am the one who is sorry for my mistrust, and jealousy. I will not have you take the blame for my irrational idiocy.”
“But I am to blame, William, for I did deceive you.”
“I should have trusted you. But I did warn you before we were married that I was possessive man. And I am very selfish when it comes to sharing you.”
Her eyes sparkled as she smiled loving at him. “I shall remember that, William, when next I wish to surprise you.”
I will not fail you again, my darling.
He kissed her sweet face, happy that all was well again with them. He smiled and said, “At the very least, now we can ride together at last. There are so many places I wish to show you that can only be obtained on horse-“
“No,” was her enigmatic response.
“No?” His confused stare met again those warm eyes as she smiled at him, and he knew she was keeping something from him.
Please, no more secrets!
“Lizzy?”
“Well, perhaps we may enjoy the pastime for a little while longer, but later I am sure you would agree riding would be out of the question.”
“Lizzy, do not speak in riddles.”
“Can you not think of another less apparent reason, William, why I would have my father meet me at the Reilly cottage instead of a more inconspicuous setting?”
He gazed into her eyes, the trace of a smile about her mouth.
She wishes me to guess her motive.
He completely understood her obvious incentive as to that of wishing to be near such precious babies. She enjoyed caring for them and attending to their needs, to learn all that was necessary to help them thrive- suddenly his sharp mind made that leap of faith as he stared at her. “Are you…?”
Please say yes, Lizzy.
“Yes, William. You are to be a father.”
He jumped up, cradling her in his arms. “Yes.” Tears of happiness formed in his eyes as he kissed her.
Shaking his head at the news he said, “for all my wealth, I knew this was what you truly wished of me. The one gift I was incapable of giving you.”
He realized then that this was why he felt so unsteady about her love for him until this very moment. For here she was, happily in his arms, telling him she was going to have his child.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me this wonderful woman.
“I don’t deserve you.”
She smiled, caressing his cheek. “But you have me, William. You will never be rid of me,” she teased softly as she gazed into her beloved eyes.
He promised, “I will be a better husband to you, Lizzy, and good father.”
“As to the first, you already are.” She kissed him sweetly. “And as to the second,” she teased him just a little. “I am sure you will have your share of learning.” He smiled.
Life is never going to be dull with her!
“I love you so, my sweet Lizzy.”
“And I you. That’s what makes our journey together so joyful.”
He walked out of the parlor, carrying her up the stairs, already taking over her care. And there was heard as they managed down the hallway,
“Now, Lizzy, about those books...”