Prologue
"Bill, dude, San Dimas is so totally bogus right now. I need to get out of here."
"Well, Ted, dude, you could always take your dad up on that offer to go to military school in Alaska," he replied with a grin.
Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted "Theodore" Logan were sitting around in Ted's garage, attempting yet again to play their instruments, and were succeeding terribly.
Ted dropped his guitar onto his stomach and pointed into Bill's face. "Not, funny, dude! You know how freakin' scary that option is!" Brushing his long hair out of his face and heaving a deep breath, he picked his guitar back up, incorrectly placing his left hand. "Let's just jam. Man, I miss the princesses. Why'd they have to leave?"
"Because when we rescued them from those royal ugly dudes half the population of England ceased to exist, Ted! We couldn't really keep them, you know. Rufus said something about tempestuous physical ed or something like that."
"Oh, right. Dude! That's wicked. Well, now what are we supposed to do?"
"Find some babes from our own country and century?"
The two looked at each other. "Nah!" They said simultaneously, and proceeded to "jam," to the misfortune of all their neighbors.
"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?"
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
"Do you not want to know who has taken it?"
"What is his name?"
"Bingley."
"Is he married or single?"
"Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large fortune; four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!"
Chapter 1
As the guys were packing up their stuff and opening the garage to go back to the house for some snacks, lightning began to gather. The guys held their arms over their faces to protect their eyes from the light and wind that was gathering in front of them. Everything stopped suddenly and all of a sudden there stood before them a red and silver phone booth. They watched as the door opened and a man of regular height, regular build, wearing weird clothes and sporting a silver ponytail stepped out.
"Rufus!" They said in unison.
"How's it goin' dudes?"
"Well, Rufus, dude, we're bored. We passed that test, we graduated, and now we've got no band and nothin' but this bogus town. Oh, and Ted misses the princesses."
"Both of them?"
"Well, mainly mine, but they were in our band, you know? I mean, how can we have a band, without half the players?"
Rufus put up a hand. "That, I can't answer, you'll just have to find out yourself. But may I provide you gentlemen with some entertainment?"
They shared an excited look and air guitar, and then excitedly asked "what is it dude?"
"A little English town called Hertfordshire. I think you'll enjoy it. And you'll make a few interesting acquaintances as well."
"Excellent!"
"Okay, I gotta go back, my kids are graduating today, but I'll send the booth back with a new book. Remember, Hertfordshire, England."
"Right, dude. We will. Catch ya later, Rufus!" Ted said, waving.
The booth lit up, and went through the asphalt, returning immediately from the sky, but empty. They stepped into the booth, looked at the cover of the book "Cool, 'Literary Locations.' Snappy title, huh dude?"
"Yeah, Bill. Just find the place, okay, I'm itchin' to get outta here."
Bill found the number and dialed it, while Ted closed the door. "Here we gooooooooo!" Bill said, as the booth left the ground and entered the lines of time and dimension.
When they landed, they were at the edge of an open field, overlooking a great house. It was well situated in a clearing surrounded by large oaks, with enough geese traipsing across the open hill above that any man would be glad to have the hunting available. Not that they really cared about that.
"Dude, what a cool mansion! I wonder if any movie stars live there."
"Ted, dude, this is England. They don't have any movie stars. It would have to be a rocker!"
"Dude, we landed at the house of a rocker!" They shared an air guitar and moved out further into the clearing. "Look! That must be them now! They're wearing such excellent clothes, they have to be rockers!"
They moved stealthily towards the two men riding down the hill in leather greatcoats and riding hats of the most recent style.
"Bingley, I must say it's a great house. Especially for this neighborhood. I don't know if you can find any better. The lands are quite nice as well, and have been worked even in the absence of an owner. Are you sure you don't want to try for something in Derbyshire? I can inquire when I'm next at Pemberley."
"No, Darcy. I have decided. It's a wonderful house and it is so close to Town. As much as my sisters rely upon the society of London I'm afraid it would be better not to hear such lamenting in such a far away county as Derbyshire, no matter how beautiful it is."
"Well, if you like it, I guess you should take it."
"I thought you would say that. But you needn't, as I have already settled things with the solicitors. I can move in immediately."
The gentlemen were riding across the lower part of the upper field when out of the woods came two very friendly looking gentlemen in the most peculiar clothing, who were headed straight towards them. The gentlemen shared a puzzled look, as from afar the two on foot shared similarities to themselves. In that one was tall, one short, the tall one dark, the short fair. Of course there were no similarities afterwards between the two tall, dark ones, as the strange one had a happy disposition, but the two short ones smiled at each other. Frowning, Ted pulled Bill back into the trees, to the consternation of the gentlemen on horseback.
"Ted, dude, these guys look like us! Look, the short one even has hair like mine! I wonder if they're future Wyld Stallyns? That could be us!"
"Bill, dude, I don't think so. The tall one looks so mean, he couldn't be me, dude. No, I don't trust them. I think we should, jump 'em, take their clothes, and find those interesting acquaintances Rufus was talking about."
"But, Ted, what if these are the interesting acquaintances?"
"Bill, you know Rufus meant girls, dude, and if we're in England, that means Princesses!"
"Oh, Ted, not again."
"Come on, we can beat them, I know Kung Fu!"
"Keep telling yourself that, Ted." After a pleading look, Bill consented. "Okay, we can take 'em."
They shared a smile and hid in the tree limbs at the edge of the path where the gentlemen would have to go to reach the house.
"That was strange, don't you think? Bingley, you go ahead and I'll follow. I don't think this 'trail' is wide enough for the both of us abreast."
"Alright." He moved ahead. "You know, I'd like to talk to you about some things. You will stay for a while, right? Darcy? Darcy?" He turned around to see that Darcy's horse, Don John, named so for his fickle temper and random bouts of spite, was riderless. "Darc-" As a chuck sneaker hit him in the back of the head, he tumbled off his horse. The treedwellers jumped from their perches and gathered the two lying forms together.
"Ted, dude, I think we just knocked them out. Look at them; they look like they're sleeping."
"Well, then, why don't we leave 'em and take their clothes? Do you know how to ride a horse? It can't be different from a tall, four legged bike, right? Alright, dude, let's do this. Here horsey, come here horsey!"
Bill and Ted both ran after the dudes' horses and when they finally grabbed them tethered them to a limb by the booth. "There, they should stay there." The horses stomped and snorted in rebuttal.
"Okay, you get his clothes and I'll take this one's."
"Uh, Ted, this one's a little big for me."
"Oh, right, switch."
The two donned their respective rocker dude's clothing and when everything was on (which, surprisingly enough, fit perfectly well) and got the horses. Bill's horse was all that was graceful, and once he got used to his new rider, ambled along as if nothing had happened. Ted's horse, known for its fickleness, was amazingly calm under his care. "There's a good horsey. What's your name dude?" The horse nickered. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Donnie." The horse nickered again. "Oh, Don John, sorry." Don John stomped a bit, warning Ted to hold on while he headed to the house. "Free reign, bud."
They reached the house, and entered, bowing back to the servants who bowed at them. They looked at each other, smiled, and air guitarred. "What do we do now, Bill?" Ted whispered out of the side of his mouth.
Bill leaned over "I guess we just go upstairs. Isn't that what most people do in their houses?"
"Right. Excellent."
The two stomped upstairs in their boots, which made a lot more noise than their chucks. "You go that way, and I'll go this way."
Ted roamed down the corridor, peering into every doorway until he found a room that appeared to be suitable. Bouncing up and down on the down mattress, he decided this vacation was going to be more excellent than any other vacation he'd had.