Called on the Carpet
Posted on Sunday, 18 July 2004
The post arrived at Hunsford parsonage just as the Collinses sat down to their dinner.
Mrs. Collins did not mind the interruption. Mr. Collins would be as interested in reading his correspondence as he was in the mutton on his plate and she could peruse her own letters in relative peace.
"I have a letter here from your most esteemed father, my dear," Mr. Collins happily remarked, pulling it out of his pile of missives.
Mrs. Collins refrained from groaning, because now it appeared as if he planned to read the entire thing aloud at the table. She wished he would go back to his meal and leave her alone, but she almost choked on her own mouthful when Mr. Collins, who had quickly scanned his letter, let out a yelp.
He dropped the letter and his fork at the same time, and the utensil was still clattering on the plate as he jumped from his chair, babbling incoherently.
"Mr. Collins!" Mrs. Collins said forcefully, quelling an urge to smack her husband into some semblance of order. "Whatever is the matter?"
"Miss Bennet... Mr. Bingley... Cousin Elizabeth... Lady Catherine!" At the mention of his patroness, Mr. Collins headed for the door.
"Mr. Collins!" Mrs. Collins cried once more, but in vain. He was already in the front hall calling for his hat and coat. With a sigh she settled back into her seat and opened a letter from her mother. Whatever her father had written was no doubt in hers, too. When she realized its contents, all of which were personally satisfying, it was too late to follow her husband to Rosings. Not that she wished to, of course, but it would have been entertaining to be a fly on Lady Catherine's wall.
"I demand to know why you have interrupted my dinner, Mr. Collins!" Lady Catherine said when her clergyman made a hurried entrance into her dining room. "And why you have so obviously left your own behind." She fixed the serviette dangling from his cravat with a gimlet eye and he hastily pulled it from his chest and stuffed it in a pocket.
Lady Catherine was definitely displeased to have her meal disturbed, but she signaled to her daughter and Mrs. Jenkinson to continue eating. Walking imperiously toward an adjoining room, she beckoned for Mr. Collins to join her. When he did not follow immediately, she glanced back and saw him salivating over the roasted haunch on the sideboard.
"Mr. Collins!"
Snapping out of his daze, Mr. Collins touched his forelock and hurried in her wake to the next room.
"This had better be a matter of life or death, Mr. Collins. I do not suffer needless intrusions."
"Yes, Lady Catherine; I understand, Lady Catherine," he gushed, finally finding his tongue.
"Now," she said sharply as she seated herself, "what is the matter?"
"I have a received a letter of some importance from Mrs. Collins’ father, Sir William Lucas, in Hertfordshire…"
"Yes, yes, we know where he lives, Mr. Collins," she interjected. "Do go on."
"Sir William writes that your nephew’s friend, Mr. Bingley, has offered for Miss Bennet, and has been accepted."
"Miss Elizabeth Bennet? I was unaware there was an attachment there. Either way, it is not of sufficient consequence to drag me away from my dinner!"
"Oh, no, no, no, no. Your ladyship misunderstands." Mr. Collins twitched slightly as he realized his own unfortunate choice of words, but Lady Catherine was, for once, silent. "Miss Jane Bennet, her elder sister, is now betrothed to Mr. Bingley. But Sir William writes that your own nephew, Mr. Darcy, has also been in residence at Netherfield, and has been seen in the company of Miss Elizabeth. Indeed, he writes that there is reason to believe you will soon be calling her niece."
Mr. Collins did cower this time, and rightly so.
"WHAT?" Lady Catherine flew out of her chair. "But… but… he cannot do this to me! To Anne! They have been destined from the… It was my own sister’s fondest…" She could neither finish her sentences nor keep her color, as her face alternated between an ashen gray and a mottled puce.
"Lady Catherine!" Mr. Collins cried in alarm. He minced about, not knowing what to do, and was only rescued when Mrs. Jenkinson came in, concerned about the shouting.
Taking the situation in at a glance, she rang for a servant and poured her employer a glass of water.
Lady Catherine waved away any assistance and bowed her head. She remained that way so long, Mr. Collins and Mrs. Jenkinson began to exchange concerned glances. Just as they were about to ascertain whether or not her ladyship had expired from an apoplectic fit, Lady Catherine raised her head.
Mr. Collins gasped and Mrs. Jenkinson, seeing the unholy light in the other woman’s eyes, backed quickly out of the room. She almost knocked over the servants, who had arrived en masse to see what was happening. Shooing them away, she left Mr. Collins alone with Lady Catherine, but went straight back to the dining room. She wanted to crack open the connecting door and hear what was being said without the hassle of dealing with the wrath.
"Your cousin, Mr. Collins, has distracted my nephew from his purpose in life, which is to marry my daughter and keep both estates firmly in the family."
"A temporary aberration, I assure you, Lady…"
"What designs she has had on him all along! Why, she must have been casting lures out when she was here in the spring! Surely her sister’s unfortunate alliance – no matter that the incident has been resolved – must have had an effect on her chances to become Mrs. Darcy!" she mused. "Perhaps you were not forceful enough with your sermonizing and admonishments when you visited during their family crisis. She only seems to have renewed her efforts, with the main goal being to improve her family’s fortunes! I won’t have it, Mr. Collins, I won’t! Therefore, I lay the blame at your feet, as well as Miss Bennet’s! How dare you allow me to nurse such a pit viper at my bosom!"
"I shall be glad to…"
"You will do nothing, Mr. Collins. Do I make myself clear? Nothing!"
"But…"
"You have created this problem, Mr. Collins, by daring to put Miss Bennet in my nephew’s path. I do not want your cousin invited to visit you again. And furthermore," she added as her clergyman opened his mouth once more, "I shall deal with Miss Elizabeth Bennet myself! Mrs. Jenkinson!" she called in a shrill voice. "We leave tomorrow morning for Hertfordshire!"
And we all know what happened next! LOL!