Posted on Wednesday, 10 September 2003
"Anne! Annnn-eeeeee!" A shrill voice echoed throughout the house, bouncing off the walls, right, left, right, left, right, piercing straight through the heavy oak door to my room. It was my sister, Liz. I couldn't imagine anyone else whom I would less want to talk to right then, but I knew that she'd keep yelling if I didn't answer.
I quickly swiped the wetness off my face and scrubbed at my eyes a bit, hoping to erase the traces of tears. A hasty clearing of the throat, then, "Yes, Liz?"
She came bursting into my room. "Oh, there you are!" She looked like a high-school cheerleader. Well, she always does, but that day the cheerleader-ness was literally radiating from her being. "So, I was talking to Sarah F.-not Sara G, Sarah-with-an-h, 'cause Sara G. isn't even part of our group anymore. I mean, we can't throw her out of the sorority, but really, going out with a Japanese major, an anime geek? I can't believe that a Kappa Kappa Upsilon would so lower herself, can you?"
Once I finally worked out what this speech meant, tried not to be offended (I've been known to watch an anime or two), I replied, "Sooo ... you were talking to Sarah-with-an-h..." I tried, without much hope of success, to trick her into dropping the "last initial" habit that the Kappa Kappa Upsilons are so good at.
"Oh!" Her eyes lit up, and I wondered what juicy gossip she had found out now. "So, Sarah F. was talking to her boyfriend, Jim R., who knows John T. who told him that you broke up with Fred W.! I think that Russell L. probably helped you come to this decision, didn't he? Speaking of Russell L., he would make a good next boyfriend, don't you think? Anyway, congratulations on finally coming to your senses!"
Somehow I couldn't muster up much enthusiasm. "Yeah, thanks."
"Well, you do know that this was the right decision, right? I mean, who is he? I mean, Fred W, he's only a boring nobody of a wannabe actor. You are...or could be, anyway, somebody! With your connections," here she gestured modestly at herself, "all you would need is to take a bit more care of yourself, and you're made!"
"Thanks for the offer, Liz," If anything, her approval made me less sure of my actions this morning, "but I've got some important homework." I edged her out the door and slammed it shut, and then laid down on my bed, sobbing my heart out once again.
No, I didn't see this one coming
It suddenly snuck up on me
I can't say you didn't tell me so
I can't say you didn't warn me
Last night I was hanging out with my good friend, Russell, and we were joking and having fun watching our favorite movie, The Princess Bride for about the millionth time. I've known Russell forever, we were neighbors growing up, and have always gotten along; this year (my freshman, his sophomore) we even ended up in two classes together. Through the years, I've really come to value his advice; he never seems to suffer from indecision like I do. At first, I think that Fred was jealous of Russell and my friendship, but after he spent time with both of us a number of times, he realized that I didn't have any feelings for Russ other than friendship. He never seemed quite convinced about Russell's feelings, though.
Anyway, so we're putting the video away, and Russ turned to me, suddenly serious. "You know, Anne, I've been wanting to talk to you about something." For a second, I almost went crazy and started believing Fred's assertion. I almost thought that Russell was going to ask me to break up with Fred and go out with him. A second later, I told myself that I was stupid. That wasn't a look in his eyes; that was a trick of the light! And besides, Russ knows how useless it would be. He knows how much I love Fred!
The next words out of his mouth proved how right I was. "Annie, I'm worried about you. You seem to be pretty in love with Fred - and I don't have a problem with love, far from it! You know that I think people should always follow their hearts, right?" I nodded, at a loss thus far as to what his point could be. "Only ... I think that you might not be good for each other."
He saw the look of protest on my face, and held up his hand to quench the words that wanted desperately to fly out of my mouth like spears to attack this spurious assertion.
"Honey, I know that he loves you as much as you love him. That's not what I'm referring to, but baby, living as a struggling actor is not all peaches and cream; no matter how good of training you may have had, no matter how talented you are ... not everyone makes it. Those that do, usually have lots of hard work ahead of them before they do make it. I mean, what if you were to get pregnant? And you'll only be on a teacher's salary. There are just too many things that could go wrong. And I don't want to see either of you starving on the street. It's just something to think about."
So this morning I had done what I had to do. Hence, the sobbing-my-heart-out bit that I was enacting.
I can't take the pain of knowing that I left you
I can't bear the shame of knowing I was wrong
But I'll take the blame for everything that I've done
I can't take the pain of leaving you alone
Of leaving you alone
As the song played itself out in my head, I realized that I had been wrong. Fred and I loved each other, dammit! Anything that happens, no work, babies, anything, we can handle. If he'll take me back. I jumped up from my bed, and yanked open my closet door to examine my appearance in the mirror mounted on the inside of the door.
Short brown hair, thankfully, in a style that is almost un-mess-up-able. Red rims on eyes and red nose. Not much I can do there, although I resolved to stop by the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face. However, my hazel eyes (Fred's fave feature of mine) were sparkling with the anticipation that was flooding my entire body.
I dialed the number that I know by heart. Please, please, don't let Fred answer, I beg of God. Success! His roomie, Jake, answered. "Hi, Jake, it's Anne. Please, don't let Fred know that it's me."
"What do you want?" He asked, his opinion of me plain.
"Please, I want to come over and apologize, and ask Fred to take me back. I'm really, really, sorry. Is he there right now?"
"Ye-es," was the cautious reply. "Are you sure that's what you're coming over for? You're not going to rub salt in the wound, or anything, are you?"
"No, Jake! This is me, Anne. Have you ever known me to be cruel?" Silence. "Before today?"
"No, no, Anne, I haven't. Alright, come on over. But hurry, I think he may be planning to go out and drown his sorrows or something."
"I'll hurry."
Jake let me into the apartment, looking a little worried. "I told him that someone was coming over, and he said, 'I'm in no mood to talk to anybody. I'll just shut myself into my room, ok?' He didn't even ask who."
"It's ok, Jake, I made this mess. I should have to clean it up." I walked over to Fred's bedroom door and knocked gently. "Jake, I told you that I can't talk to anyone now, just leave me alone, ok?" He sounded annoyed, angry, but worse than that, there was a trace of tears in his voice. I almost didn't have the courage to open the door; I could face screaming. I'd been on the receiving end of enough of Liz's fits to know how to deal with that (just keep quiet and calm until they've screamed themselves out: then you can reason with them), but my big, strong Fred, crying? I couldn't deal. Then I stopped and gave myself a good stern talking-to: You can too deal. If you want to ever have a chance of getting back together with Fred, you'll deal. I slowly opened the door. "Fred?"
"Anne?" He looked happy for a second, he got that welcoming glow on his handsome face that always gives me such a thrill, then suddenly it went out. "What do you want? Come to gloat over how you pretended to love me and then broke my heart? Come to tell me that you've always hated me and were constantly cheating on me, into the bargain?"
Now, it takes a lot to get me mad. In fact, Russell's always saying that I repress too much of my anger, and that I should let it out once in a while. Well, Russ can't always be wrong. "Now you listen to me, Frederick Charles Wentworth! I made a mistake, yes, but just because I did one thing wrong doesn't mean that I was EVER unfaithful to you. I came over here to apologize, and you can't even be civil, you insult me! Well, if you're not even going to listen, I guess I'll just take my apology..." I turn back toward the door to leave, but Fred ran in front of me, looking regretful.
"I'm sorry, Annie, I didn't mean to lash out like that. It's just that ... well; you said you made a mistake. I suppose that I can't blame you for going out with me just for a fun time, I've had my share of relationships like that. The thing is, I thought that it was for real-that was my mistake. So, when you broke up with me, you really, truly broke my heart. But it's not your fault, I should have known you didn't mean it when you said you loved me."
Now, I could not let this misconception stand. "Fred, listen to me. That's not what I'm apologizing for. I really do love you. I'm apologizing for breaking up with you, for listening to Russell above my own heart. I want to be with you." I try every phrasing that I can think of to get him to believe that I mean it. No luck. The hurt, disbelieving look stayed on his face. Finally, I leaned forward and joined his lips to mine. It took him a few seconds, but pretty soon he got the idea.
I never thought I'd get even a second chance
But you've given me that and so much more
And then for every time I ever did deny
You ask me if I love you, You know I do*
I found out the next day, before the news that we were back together got around, that Fred was right all along about Russell. He asked me out. After only one day (supposedly) broken up with Fred (and he knew how much I love Fred), he asked me out. I turned him down as politely as I could, but our friendship was never quite the same.
Fred and I did get married, and today is our one-year anniversary. Although we weren't planning on it so soon, we are expecting a baby in one month. And I know we'll do just fine.