Jump to new as of July 16, 2003
Posted on Sunday, 22 June 2003
He has gone. Mr Bingley said that he left for London but must return in ten days’ time. I want to believe it. I want to believe that he still cares for me. I need to think so. But this departure – it is so sudden, so unexpected. Or, perhaps, his business in London is just the pretence to leave Hertfordshire and never see me again?
Why was he so cold, so indifferent? His manners differed from what I saw in Derbyshire. Then why did he come? Only to feel awkwardness in the company which could not please him? Oh, how I wish to know his thoughts!
Mr Bingley was so amiable today. And Jane, yes, she will be very happy, I am sure. Everybody could see how deeply and sincerely Mr Bingley loves her, only she doubts.
Mr Bingley came again today. My mother did everything to leave them alone. Why can she not understand that her tricks will bring nothing but awkwardness and confusion? I saw Jane blush several times and even he seemed confused by my mother’s unnecessary attention. But I could not stay at the drawing-room all the evening, I had a letter to write, for I did not answer Charlotte’s last letter. When I returned everything had already been finished. They were engaged. Oh, I am so happy for Jane! She deserves such happiness, this must have been happened the last autumn. The happiest, wisest and most reasonable end!
This evening when we were alone, Jane was much more talkative on the subject than previous days. I really rejoice in their felicity, but it makes me recollect my own feelings, which were suppressed a little by the joy of the evening. Jane will be happy with Mr Bingley but will his friend return and make me happy? I miss him. I could never imagine that I would feel the loss of him so much, with such a sorrow and pain. He is in London. What are you doing now, Mr Darcy? Do you still think of me or I have no right to hope? Please, come back. I need you.
Jane’s engagement could not be long a secret. Mrs Philips was so glad on hearing the news that could not but share with all Meryton. Oh, congratulations were endless and insincere. After Lydia’s elopement we were an object for gossiping and hidden satisfaction and now we are the luckiest family in the world. What would they have said if I had returned from Hunsford engaged to Mr Darcy? My mother would have been delighted or … vexed? But it doesn’t matter. He will never return, I know. How could I expect him to connect himself with my family after the marriage between Lydia and Wickham?
Sometimes I imagine what if I had learnt his real worth earlier… Would I have rejected his proposal with such harshness and contempt? I wish I had this second chance to make some amends, to tell him that his affections excite if not love then at least respect and gratitude. I want to tell him how awfully I feel, how heartily I regret all my former opinions. I want him to forgive me. I need his forgiveness, otherwise I do not know how I will live with this burden.
Mr Bingley is a daily visitor now. I am so glad to see Jane’s happiness. She has never been so beautiful, her eyes sparkle when she is in his company. I even envy her. I do my best not to think of Mr Darcy. Every new day becomes a new trial to me. To appear animated, glad is almost impossible, for my heart is broken. Eight days passed as he had gone. I am counting hours till his probable return. Will he return to me? I can not stand this suspense any more.
I could not imagine that this day would bring more pain and confusion. Lady Catherine de Bourgh came today. I can not express my astonishment at seeing her here, at Longbourn. And the reason for her journey! To break off my engagement with Mr Darcy! My engagement! I could hardly hope for merely meeting him again and I have never been so bold as to expect him to propose twice. And now, when she promised to do everything in her power to destroy all my hopes for happiness with him, I am quite sure that he will not return. I am crying. Please, Mr Darcy, come back and tell me that you still love me, that you will never leave me alone. And if not … be happy. I will pray for you. I will never forget you. Just be happy, even without me.
How is it possible that every next day makes me even more miserable? Father, I always loved you. You and Jane are the dearest people to me. Then why do you pain me so much? Why did you speak in such terms of the man I love? You can not know what pain you caused by your words.
He returned. Oh God, he returned! I did not know that I could be so happy. But I have not seen him yet, he was caught in the rain during his journey here and has taken cold. But there is no reason for alarm, Mr Bingley said. It is only a slight cold and Mr Darcy promised to pay a visit to Longbourn tomorrow.
He is worse, much worse. He has a very severe fever, his illness is considered to be very alarming. Mr Bingley sent for Mr Jones.
Last three days seemed a torture to me. I did not know what to do, how to behave. There is no improvement. He is still feverish. Mr Bingley stayed at Netherfield and sent short notes about Mr Darcy’s health only. My mother is unbearable. She is completely repining that Mr Bingley can not come due to “this disagreeable Mr Darcy”’s illness. I could hardly prevent myself from shouting. I want to see him, to touch his hand and tell him how ardently I love him.
I am trying to write a letter to my aunt. What can I write? He is dying, my dear aunt, he is dying. Mr Jones says there is no hope. I can not bear this. It is so unjust to lose him now, when he returned at last. I will never write such words to you, aunt. I must pray, I must hope.
Mr Bingley came today but for half an hour only. He wanted to talk to me. He said, Mr Darcy is unconscious now, grows delirious and he is repeating my name constantly. Mr Bingley seemed very uneasy when he asked me to go to Netherfield tomorrow. He could not know that it was my first, my most ardent wish. I will see him tomorrow – only this hope helps me to live.
He died this night. Everything is over. I will never see him again. My hands are trembling. I will never forgive you, Mr Darcy, for having left me alone. Why did you return? You must have stayed at Pemberley with your sister, you must have forgotten me completely. How will I forgive myself all pain I caused you? I will never forget you.
Oh God, how will I bear this?!
Posted on Wednesday, 16 July 2003, at 6
Elizabeth opened her eyes and instantly closed them. The light was too bright, it was so painful to look. It seemed to her that she saw somebody’s face but the picture was so indistinct that she could hardly say whether it had been the face of a woman or a man. But the voice she heard was familiar. It was Jane and she was agitated.
“Oh, Lizzy, I can not believe! Please, say something. Oh, no, be silent. You must not talk. Just open your eyes, Lizzy, please!”
Elizabeth shook her head. She did not want to see that light, so disturbing, so tormenting. Light meant life, life meant pain. Jane’s voice became distant and fatigue overwhelmed Elizabeth’s body. She was so tired. She wanted to fall asleep, to forget the pain, the misery she experienced during Darcy’s illness. She was so tired…
When she opened her eyes next time it was almost dark. She could see without pain. Jane was sitting near her, her eyes shut, her face pale. Elizabeth was startled by the tired expression on Jane’s face, it seemed to her that years passed since she saw her sister last time. She opened her mouth and uttered a sound, which frightened herself. Jane started and looked at Elizabeth. It was evident that she was struggling for the appearance of composure and then said in a forced tranquil tone –
“Lizzy, are you well? Do you want anything?”
Elizabeth could never imagine that a single word would be so difficult to pronounce.
“Drink..”” her voice was weak.
She felt Jane’s hand holding her head and the cool water softened her throat.
“How long?” her next question was.
“Almost three days.”
“You … here… constantly?” She was almost unintelligible.
“Yes, Lizzy, I was here. Do not distress yourself. Do not speak any more. I will send for Mr Jones. He was here this morning and said that you will be well very soon. Everything will be all right. You must sleep now, Lizzy.”
“Jane, where… he … buried?”
Jane seemed confused but recovered soon and said quietly –
“Tomorrow, Lizzy. You must rest now.”
Elizabeth felt cool fingers touching her hot forehead. It was the last thing she remembered.
Next morning she felt a little better. The curtain were drawn and the sun light did not cut her eyes any more, the former lassitude and apathy were replaced by weakness but it was a weakness after the long and severe illness which would lead to the total recovery. Jane was sitting at the table with a book in her hand. Somehow she realized that Elizabeth had awaken and approached her bed.
“How are you feeling, Lizzy?”
“Better,” she whispered. “I want to eat.”
“Of course, I will tell Hill.”
She returned several minutes later with a cup of a hot broth. She helped her sister to eat. When Elizabeth laid her head on the pillow Jane sat near her and said –
“We all were so frightened, Lizzy. Bit I have already sent a note to Mama that you are better.”
“A note?”
Jane blushed and began to relate to Elizabeth all that had happened during last days. She found her sister unconscious on the floor in her room four days ago. Mr Jones said that he suspected Elizabeth’s disease to be of an infectious nature, and Mrs Bennet, frightened and horrified, with shrill screams upon her poor nerves, removed from Longbourn immediately with two younger daughters. They were now at Mrs Philips’. Mrs Bennet tried to persuade Jane to leave Elizabeth to servants but Jane was unshaken in her decision and stayed at her bed almost all nights. She did not give her sister a full account of these days but Elizabeth could clearly see how exhausted and tired Jane was.
“You must do something with your hair.” said Elizabeth.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, Jane, you do not look well. You must rest as well as I do. Please, go to your room. I am quite well, I assure you. Poor Jane! Your Mr Bingley must have suffered a lot because of your absence.”
“He does not leave Netherfield.”
“I understand. He has lost his best friend.”” Elizabeth’s voice began to tremble.
Jane hesitated.
“Lizzy, I must tell you something but you must promise me that you will be all right. I must tell you something about Mr Darcy.”
Elizabeth closed her eyes.
“Have you read my diary?”
Jane blushed.
“I am sorry, Lizzy. I know I had no right but Mr Jones said that if we had known the reason for your illness it would have been much easier to treat you. When I found you your diary was in your hand and then…”
“It does not matter now, Jane. I am almost relieved that you know. I would hardly have ever courage to tell you about my feelings.”
“Lizzy, listen to me. Try to calm down. Mr Darcy is alive. He is still alive.”
Suddenly it became difficult to breathe. Elizabeth was lying immovable, very quiet. Then she spoke and it was evident that every word was a torture to her.
“Jane, do not be so cruel. Do not make me hope in vain. I will not bear.”
“I do not deceive you. The servant from Netherfield who had told us about Mr Darcy’s death quite mistook Mr Bingley’s words. It was an awful misunderstanding, Lizzy. Mr Bingley meant that Mr Darcy was at death’s door but he was alive. He is still alive.”
It seemed an eternity passed.
“How is he?”
“Lizzy, I do not want to distress you bit there is still very little to hope for. He regained consciousness several times but most time he is delirious. Mr Stone, a famous doctor from London says it is a miracle that he is still alive, that it is the first case in his practice when a patient struggles for life so violently. But his fever is too severe, he can not overcome it. But I hope, Lizzy. I prayed for you and for him all these days. And you must hope.”
Elizabeth closed her eyes. Several minutes later Jane decided that she had fallen asleep and returned to the table. But she could not sleep. This news was too amazing, too extraordinary. She thought she had lost him. She cried quietly. Her heart pained, longed for him, she could hardly make herself stay in the bed, she knew it was too early, that she would not be able to leave her room while she was so weak.
Jane told her last Meryton news. All neighborhood were excited by the information that Miss Elizabeth Bennet was seriously ill. All Meryton had been engaged in counting days till Mr Darcy’s probable demise and this new piece of information gave much more space for imagination. Someone recalled “Romeo and Juliet”, others repeated that they had always been sure that Mr Darcy must be in love with Miss Elizabeth but everybody agreed that Elizabeth Bennet’s death would be a most strict evidence of her partiality for the gentleman.
Mr Bennet was surprised at such rumors, then he became indignant but the state of his second daughter did not leave him much time to pay attention to all talks. He wanted to stay at Longbourn but Jane had persuaded him that he would not be able to help.
Nest morning Elizabeth was able to stand up but so very weak that without Jane's assistance she would have undoubtedly have fallen down. But it did not prevented her from saying that very morning –
"Jane, I want to see him."
"You know it is impossible. You are very weak and I do not think it will be reasonable and proper."
"I will think of propriety and impropriety later. You must ask Mr Bingley. I do not want father or mother to know. But I must see him, I can not stand this suspense any more."
Jane sighed.
"I will talk to Mr Bingley, I promise you."
Next morning Mr Bingley came to Longbourn. He carried Elizabeth to the carriage. Her body ached, every movement was painful to her but she was silent.
Mr Darcy's room was very dark.
"Open the window," asked Elizabeth. "Let him breathe fresh air."
Bingley seemed confused.
"The doctor has forbidden, Miss Bennet."
"Mr Bingley, all your doctors could not help him. Just open the window. There is no harm in it, I assure you."
Jane nodded and the servant opened two windows. The room filled with sun and scent of autumn flowers.
"And now leave me alone. Please, Mr Bingley, Jane."
When they were gone she approached his bed. He was immovable, his features were sharpened, for an instant it seemed to her that she saw a mask of the death on his face. He was breathing heavily and when she touched his forehead she was almost frightened by its heat.
"Mr Darcy, sir, you must hear me. I want you to hear me. You must live, if not for your own sake, then for mine, I want you to live, I need it. Please, try, I can not bear the thought that you will leave me. Do not leave me, Mr Darcy. I will endure everything, I will bear any humiliation, but you must live."
He did not respond, he was silent. Despite all her words and requests he did not utter a word. She knew that it had been foolish to hope for a miracle that sounds of her voice would return him to life.
In a quarter of an hour Mr Bingley and Jane returned and it was time to come back home.
That evening all the Bennets returned to Longbourn. Mrs Bennet was as tiresome as ever, Mr Bennet rejoiced in his favorite daughter's recovery, and any change was visible neither in Mary nor in Kitty.
Next morning the footman brought a note for Miss Bennet from Netherfield. Jane's countenance changed as he read it and Elizabeth expecting the worse paled. Jane recollected herself instantly and turned to others with a heartfelt smile –
"Mr Bingley informs that Mr Darcy is better. He has regained consciousness this morning."
After all the raptures becoming to the moment Elizabeth quietly gained her room where Jane followed her. Elizabeth burst into tears. She still could not believe. Jane touched her shoulder.
"Lizzy, there is something more. Mr Darcy, he wants to see you."
Several days later the meeting Elizabeth expected so long at length took place. There is no need to repeat those very expressions Darcy said to his beloved and to describe the happiness Elizabeth experienced during that conversation. His joy was equal to hers, and the happiness and understanding they reached lasted for the rest of their lives.