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Prologue

Posted on Thursday, 20 November 2003

... I will only add – God bless you.
Fitzwilliam Darcy

Elizabeth was mortified. She had done it again. She had prided herself on being a good judge of character and couldn’t have been more wrong in her estimation of Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wickham.

Only this time she couldn’t exculpate herself with her youth ...

Lizzy cried bitterly for half an hour. Every urge of striking out to Mr. Darcy, to hurt him, had left her. Slowly she made her way back to the parsonage.

As she rounded the hedge she saw Mr. Darcy leaving the house. He must have come to say his farewells. Elizabeth retreated quickly behind the hedge but continued watching him. He let his glance sweep over the park of Rosings, lingering on the grove where they’d met a few times. He looked utterly miserable.

This wouldn’t do! Though her feelings for him hadn’t softened in any way – he was a respectable man and at least a good brother. No respectable, honourable man should be miserable because of her, she was simply not worth it!

Elizabeth couldn’t face him now but a thought formed in her mind: They were to change horses at Bromley. It would be easy to post a letter there undetected.

After Mr. Darcy had gone on his way to Rosings, Lizzy slipped quietly into the house and upstairs – she wanted to avoid Charlotte’s watchful gaze and Col. Fitzwilliam’s chatter.

In her room she sat down to maybe the bitterest task in her young life.

No, that wasn’t true – the bitterest had been leaving her newborn son.

Chapter 1

Posting the letter that had taken her nearly all night had been easy. Lizzy had sent it to Darcy‘s townhouse, the address of which Miss Bingley had mentioned at Netherfield.

As Mariah was fast asleep opposite her she dared to re-read the draft of the letter she‘d penned to Mr Darcy.

Sir,

Rest assured that nothing you related to me about your family should ever be mentioned by me to anyone. I thank you for your letter and hope that you can overlook my impropriety in writing this reply – as it was posted in Bromley no one will ever know of it, it can do you no harm.

I will not trifle with you: I apologise for letting my anger get the better of me, thus leading me to strike out to hurt you, and for my stupidity in listening to W‘s revelationsso eagerly. Do not protest on my choice of words, I can scarcely believe not having noticed the inconstancy and impropriety of his disclosures which he made almost from the day he entered Meryton.

I believe what you wrote in your letter to be true. Though I still think your interference in Mr Bingley‘s and Jane‘s relationship to have been officious and unasked for, I cannot find fault in your motives for doing so.

Still I wouldn‘t have written you had I not seen you on leaving the parsonage the last day of your stay in Kent. I cannot abide that you suffer because of me, for I am simply not worth it. Not because of my relations and their behaviour, no, because of myself and my very own actions.

I was but fifteen when I eloped. I was not tricked or persuaded although the man in question was more than ten years my senior, I was headstrong and did fully disregard my family`s feelings.

After one night I realized the extent of my folly, ran away from my „husband“ to London to my Aunt Gardiner.

How they managed it, I do not know, but my uncle and my father succeeded in having my marriage annulled. Not even my mother knows of it, she and my sisters believed me to have run to London directly.

Alas, I was pregnant. My son was born in London whereto my father sent me when the risk of detection was becoming too great.

Samuel is raised as the Gardiners own child and to this day no one but they and my father know.

I hope this revelation helps you to overcome any grief you might experience because of me. Please accept my best wishes for your health and happiness.

Elizabeth Bennet

Tomorrow he would find this letter waiting at his townhouse. Though Elizabeth was sure that she wouldn‘t have accepted him in any case she felt oddly comforted by the thought that his disappointment now must be of a short duration.

Back at Longbourne everything was as usual. Kitty and Lydia mourned the regiment leaving for Brighton but Mr Bennet squelched any outbursts of them instantly. The elopement of his favourite whose sense and good judgement he had trusted until then had driven him to take the care of his other daughters more seriously.

Jane’s spirits were still low because of Mr Bingley but she rallied tolerably well, glad to have her sister back.

Darcy was stunned to find a letter from Miss Bennet waiting for him. At first he was angry at her presumption, then hopeful. When he’d read the missive he was disgusted – she had thoroughly succeeded in curing him of his infatuation.

Chapter 2

Posted on Sunday, 23 November 2003

Two months later

Elizabeth eagerly awaited the Gardiners. They were to tour the Lakes with Jane whilst leaving their children in the care of their Longbourn cousins.

Long talks with her aunt had long since set Lizzy at peace with her motherhood. She knew that Samuel couldn‘t possibly have better parents than the Gardiners and that they indeed loved him as their own son. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner’s eldest daughter was only sixteen months older than Samuel. As Emily hadn’t been weaned when Samuel was born Mrs. Gardiner had even been able to feed him.

Now, nearly five years after her son’s birth Elizabeth realized how traumatized she had been by the experience of her wedding night, her pregnancy and the birth. She was reconciled with her situation however, even more so as she’d never perceived any trace of that ugly, violent temper her husband had shown during their one day marriage.

Elizabeth had never seen him again, her father having assured her of him having returned to his aunt’s estate in Devon. As also the friend he had been visiting then had moved away from Hertfordshire she felt reasonably sure of never having to encounter him again.

Samuel was a gentle, quiet boy but nevertheless a bright lad, he seemed to take after his maternal grandfather.

Until recently, Elizabeth had never thought of how she would react if a man she could respect and love should offer for her. Deep down in her heart she felt herself incapable of concealing her experiences from her future husband but in her rational mind she knew that chances of finding a respectable suitor whose love would overcome this were nearly non-existent.

Some weeks earlier in Darcy’s townhouse

Darcy had thrown himself into work. Georgiana had noticed his black mood but didn’t dare to ask for an explanation, she simply tried to coax him out of it.

After some days of deluding himself Darcy had to concede that – even if his mind was totally appalled by the contents of Miss Bennet’s letter – his heart thought otherwise. She haunted his dreams as ever but now the plot had changed into a veritable nightmare: Standing unable to move he watched the marriage-ceremony and followed the couple down the aisle with his eyes as the man turned around and for a split second revealed his true nature to Darcy – in his dreams something between Wickham’s visage and a werewolf.

He had met Bingley regularly, at their club or at home. His friend still had that dejected look about him and favoured his drink far too much. One evening they met Col. Fitzwilliam at their club and finished the night in Darcy’s library. Under the influence of alcohol and the Colonel’s friendly banter – as opposed to Darcy´s gloomy silences – Bingley mentioned what was still uppermost in his thoughts – Jane Bennet.

„I should have made sure, I should have.“

With a quick glance at Darcy who didn’t seem to listen at all Bingley continued

„I trust Darcy’s and my sister’s estimation, but still I should have made sure. And even if she didn’t love me as much as I do her, I am convinced that she wouldn’t have accepted me were her heart engaged elsewhere and I would have made her love me in time ...“

Col. Fitzwilliam nodded sympathetically and refilled Bingley’s glass, both men were totally unprepared for Darcy’s outburst.

„For God’s sake, Charles! You should be thankful every single moment that you’re not connected to that family!“

„Easy there, Darcy.“ The Colonel tried to placate his cousin.„I didn’t realize you thought so very ill of Miss Bennet in Kent, I even had the impression you rather liked her.“

Bingley was on his feet, the worst possible conclusions racing through his alcohol-dazed brain.

„Darcy, you never breathed a single word that you met my angel in Kent!“

„It was Miss Elizabeth Bennet, not her elder sister. She was visiting her friend Mrs Collins, née Charlotte Lucas. I didn’t mention it because I know how that name still affects you.“

„You might for once let me be the judge of that!“

With that Bingley excused himself and was off.

Col. Fitzwilliam was tempted to a low whistle; Bingley was growing up. That – and Darcy’s reaction to it – would be interesting to watch.

Darcy was dumbstruck. His friend’s outburst brought her words to his mind: officious interference, preposterous ... Could they be right?

While he still felt fully justified in his advice to Bingley not to pursue Jane’s hand in marriage concealing her presence in town didn’t sit well with him any longer. And didn’t he believe Elizabeth’s account of her sister’s feelings for his friend to be true? Darcy had to concede that he did.

Money wasn’t an issue and though Bingley could have married someone who would elevate him in society Darcy didn’t think he cared. Charles would fall on his feet in every society, that much was sure. So there was no objection to the match left.

Not one? Horrified Darcy realized that he’d managed to forget completely that Jane’s sister was a fallen woman! Well not fallen technically as she had been married, however brief.

A look of supreme distaste crossed his face.

„Well Darcy, if you remain friends with Bingley he won’t be as easily guided as before.“

Darcy only nodded absentmindedly.

„I’ll be off then, good night, cousin.“

„Good night.“

Darcy continued to sit there, brooding. When he found himself looking for his law books from Cambridge with the aim of finding out what an annulled yet consummated marriage meant for the woman concerned he knew no other way out than to get very drunk.

Chapter 3

The next day Darcy woke with a splitting headache and when he remembered why he’d gotten drunk, he felt nauseous.

When working in his study – or at least trying to work – Mrs. Enderson, his London housekeeper, asked for an interview. She’d come to apprise him of a certain situation that had arisen with a young maid and to get his permission to proceed as usual in such cases.

The unfortunate girl was pregnant. Although both Mrs. Enderson and Mrs. Reynolds at Pemberley were strict mistresses of their staff, this happened from time to time. If there was no marriage, a place was found for the child. If the father stepped forward, some other solution was usually found.

Therefore Mrs. Enderson was surprised when Darcy told her

„Send her in.“

He was prepared to see the incident in the most unfavourable light and, after a lecture on morality, turned the maid out of his house.

That her black curls reminded him of somebody else was not exactly helpful for the girl.

Darcy forgot about her as soon as the study door closed but was reminded again at dinnertime. Georgiana hadn’t come down to luncheon, a stern looking Mrs. Enderson had told him of a headache.

When his sister didn’t come down for dinner either, Darcy made his way up to her room. Mrs. Annesley opened the door, looking sorrowful. Darcy got frightened but she assured him that Georgiana was not bodily ill, then left the siblings alone.

Darcy hadn’t seen Georgiana in such a state since Ramsgate, she had obviously cried the whole day and there was no light in her gentle eyes. Darcy was at her side in a moment

„Whatever is the matter, sweetling?“

Georgiana shrunk away from his embrace, starting to cry anew. He talked to her soothingly, trying to calm her down and after a while made another attempt to comfort her in his arms. This time Georgiana nearly jumped away and stood there facing him, trembling.

„I do not deserve your kindness, brother, leave me be. I am not worth your consideration. Only the luckiest twists of fate prevented me from being in the same situation as Helen.“

Darcy was puzzled.

„Helen?“

„The maid you threw out of the house this morning.“

„But dearest, I cannot comprehend for the world why you compare yourself with her. You were tricked by a scoundrel whereas she, er, ...“

„Helen is engaged to the eldest son of one of your tenants in Kympton. They had hoped to marry when her fiancée would take over the management of the farm. She was very sorry to leave Derbyshire for London but rallied tolerably as her move to the townhouse was a promotion. She’d hoped to save enough to enable them to marry soon.“

Darcy was dumbstruck. He knew not on what to think first – on Georgie´s opinion on the matter ( and how she came by it), on his own shameful conduct for he had let the maid get the brunt of his anger and disappointment over Miss Bennet, or on how his father would see this affair.

Darcy was by no means unaware of the difficulties servants or tenants had to overcome if they wished for a family. His father had advised him to run Pemberley with a high moral standard but on the other hand be considerate when faced with situations that arose solely because of the very long engagements servants and tenants often had to face.

Not sure of what exactly Georgiana knew of the facts of life he made another attempt

„But Georgie, Helen is with child and she is not married.“

Darcy couldn’t be sure but he thought he detected even anger in his sister’s eyes when she replied

„Do not trifle with me, Fitzwilliam. I am perfectly aware that this should not have happened but they have been engaged for four years and had to face a separation of at least a year.“

„But Georgie, you would never have consented to, er, a relationship outside wedlock.“

Georgiana covered her face in her hands and Darcy felt a cold fear grip his heart.

"Oh, brother, I wish to think so. But the journey to Scotland is not accomplished in one day. What if Wickham would have abandoned me on the road after a day or two? I would have been too ashamed to contact you. I might very well be in the gutter now, and with child."

To his utter relief Georgiana finally let herself be drawn into his arms. Gently stroking her hair he tried to console her, whispering apologies and assurances. After a while she seemed to calm down.

"Georgie, will you be all right? I have to leave you now; you are right, I wronged Helen greatly. I let my temper get the better of me. In my selfish disdain for the feelings of others, I did not look beyond the barest facts. I must leave you now to remedy this."

Darcy sent Mrs. Annesley to look after Georgiana and went in search of Mrs. Enderson.

"Mrs. Enderson, do you know where Helen might be? I, er, I fear I acted prematurely this morning."

Only years of being in charge of one of the most illustrious households in the country enabled Mrs. Enderson to keep a straight face though her eyes betrayed her satisfaction that her beloved and esteemed master had come around to do the right thing.

"I believe she is at the parsonage at St _____´s."

"Will you accompany me there?"

"Certainly, sir."

The parson’s wife did not look too pleased on beholding Darcy and his companion but led them to a small parlour and went for Helen. Darcy did not beat around the bush.

"Helen, I hope you can accept my apologies for my behaviour this morning. If you will come home with Mrs. Enderson and me, I will make sure everything turns out well.“

Helen was at first too frightened and then too overcome to speak. Upon their reaching the townhouse Darcy expected to find the presence of his staff in every other corner as word had gone round where they’d been, everyone was trying to sneak a glance at them. So Darcy made a point of asking Helen in the hall whether she’d rather return to Pemberley or stay here. When she opted for staying he told her to resume her former position.

Then Darcy summoned Mrs. Annesley to his study. He respected the gentle tempered companion of his sister greatly and was glad that under her care Georgiana had nearly returned to who she’d been before Ramsgate.

Only leaving out the reason for his ill temper in the morning he explained everything to Mrs. Annesley and asked her opinion of how today had affected his sister and whether she thought the damage to be lasting. Mrs. Annesley told him that this had not been the worst bout of self-reproach from Georgiana and begged him to reassure her as often as possible.

"Because, sir, as you well know, Miss Georgiana is a sensible young woman. She is well aware that servants and tenants are often forced to live a different set of standards. She can very well distinguish what is proper in different situations in different classes. I am afraid your reaction to Helen’s pregnancy unnerved her more than anything else."

Darcy thanked Mrs. Annesley and promised her to do everything in his power to reassure Georgiana. Alas that was a difficult endeavour. He cursed himself that his pre-occupation with his own worries had led to this situation that now grieved his darling sister.

Georgiana tried to put up a brave facade but more than once Darcy caught her staring at nothing in particular, a dejected look about her. When he realized that time did not heal the wound, he tried a direct approach.

Settling on a settee with Georgiana, her hands in his, he spoke

"Georgie, you said you would have been too ashamed to contact me. Please, dearest sister, never be ashamed to come to me. Do know that nothing you do can lessen my regard and love for you?"

"You are too kind, Fitzwilliam. I have to be honest; had Wickham said there was only one room left in the inn on our way to Gretna Green, I , er, I would have made no objection to sharing it.“

"And this has been plaguing you so? Dearest, your intentions were always pure ones, I can very well imagine that you would be unable to send your soon-to-be husband away to sleep in the stable."

To Darcy´s grief Georgiana started crying again.

"Oh, brother, my intentions weren’t pure!"

Torn between grief and acute embarrassment Georgiana was still determined to continue. Darcy, caught in similar feelings had never before so wished for a female her age who would have his sister’s trust.

"I am truly lost. Holding his hand for the briefest of moments made me go all warm and " - sobs again interrupted her confession - "oh Fitzwilliam, I was looking forward to be alone with him and - kiss him!“

Darcy was hard pressed not to laugh out of sheer relief. Poor, innocent Georgiana! Holding her in his arms he thought on how to tackle this best. Mentally ticking off one female relative after the other as unsuited for the task of explaining to Georgie the difference between sinful thoughts and the awakening of her womanhood. Mrs. Annesley was the only one remaining as applying to Lady Catherine or even Lady Matlock was a ridiculous notion.

The good lady would continue but Darcy felt that he was the only one capable of breaking the vicious circle in Georgie´s mind.

"Dearest, I do not mean to belittle your grief but truly, you worry for nothing. You are growing up to be a woman, dreaming of being kissed is a part of it. You are much too hard on yourself.“

Georgiana quietened and after a while looked up, searching his face.

"I wish our mother would have lived, or that you had a sister, as I am afraid of not up to this kind of talk. But believe me, sweetling, when growing up men and women alike have to experience all kind of confusing, disturbing or embarrassing feelings and reactions. One does learn to control them and not to act on them but you can’t prevent their arising in the first place.“

Georgiana´s mien showed a tentative relief and her earnest attempt to believe him. Darcy allowed himself to relax a little and, trying to lighten the mood he added

"Do you know Mrs. Church of Glencoe Farm near Lambton?"

"I think I do. She is never out of humour, kind and right now expecting her ninth child?"

"The very one."

"Why do you tell me of her?"

"Well, will you promise me never to breathe a word of what I’m telling you now, especially not to Col. Fitzwilliam?"

"Why, yes, pray continue."

Darcy had accomplished his momentary aim, he had distracted his sister from her worries.

„I have never told anyone of this although I suspect that father and mother saw through me. – At thirteen I had a terrible crush on the parlour maid Annie, now Mrs. Church. She’s a few years older than me and I hope that she never suspected something, it would be too embarrassing. I lost my voice when she greeted me, my hands would go cold and my ears red upon seeing her. If she helped out serving, I would spill my water and choke on my peas. It was torture most of the time but I wouldn’t want to have missed it either. You know I cannot draw and usually do not attempt it but then I tried very hard to capture how some of Annie’s ringlets escaped her cap and for months I fell asleep with the image of her lips on my mind.“

Georgiana looked at her brother with wide eyes. He challenged her

„Now do you think I have committed a mortal sin with these thoughts? Am I a letch?“

„Of course you are not, but isn’t there a difference between men and women?“

„Not in our cases. I admit that society holds different standards for men and women. Men get away with offences a woman would be shunned for forever but that doesn’t mean that these standards are right. We were both captured by the first awakenings of sensuality. If I were to stare after a parlour maid like this now, that would be totally unacceptable.“

Before Ramsgate Georgiana hadn’t been averse to gently teasing her brother on occasion. Now he would be in for it again but Darcy wholeheartedly welcomed his sister’s speech

„Fitzwilliam, thank you for sharing this. As I know you are not capable of making up stories, not even for bedtime stories, I have to believe you. And as I know how embarrassing telling me of this must have been for you, it must be true. – Although I cannot guarantee my behaviour when next seeing Mrs. Church in Lambton.“

Chapter 4

Posted on Thursday, 27 November 2003

To Darcy‘s utter relief, Georgiana seemed to be well on the road of recovery. Still he couldn‘t forget the incident and what prompted it so easily. His thoughts went from Ramsgate to Miss Bennet. Darcy had to concede that only happy chance had prevented Georgiana from being in the same situation as Miss Bennet. That she should have conceived on her wedding night was bad luck indeed. Some couples tried for years to have children.

On the other hand Darcy couldn’t be sure that Miss Bennet and her „fiancée“ hadn’t engaged in immoral activities before the elopement, thus making the conception of Samuel all the more plausible.

But he dismissed the thought immediately. What he’d seen of her character had convinced him that she was no loose woman, besides, if she’d already consented to such a relationship there would have been no need to elope for her lover.

Darcy reminded himself that he was the very worst judge of what Miss Bennet might think or do but still, the facts stood. Despite what must have been a frightful experience – Darcy shuddered to think that little Georgiana should go through something like this, a pregnancy, a birth, having to leave a child behind – Miss Bennet was undoubtedly lively, witty and kind.

Yes, kind. She had not been so in her refusal but Darcy had to acknowledge this trait of her character. She had been kind to her sister – he couldn’t imagine Louisa and Caroline caring for each other in a similar fashion, she was kind to her neighbours even if they seemed to amuse her on occasions, and her letter to him had been an act of unequalled generosity.

Though still puzzled by the complex picture Miss Bennet presented Darcy’s admiration for her rose to new heights.

After acknowledging all this he couldn’t but address the accusations she had leveled at him. Was he vain and proud, selfish and conceited? Darcy examined his conduct in Hertfordshire and reached some painful conclusions.

His manners had clearly been at fault and though he knew he could never be like Bingley, he also was aware that indeed he didn’t think the people of Meryton worth the trouble. Miss Bennet’s description, although based on false information and prejudices, was in some ways painfully accurate. Her refusing his hand showed courage and a steady character. In her situation in life, chances of marrying well had been slim even without an annulled marriage and a child. Darcy didn’t think her capable of concealing this from a suitor she loved and respected.

How this man would receive such a blow was doubtful. He must be an extraordinary fellow if he had earned her good opinion, her love even. Judging from a man’s point of view Darcy knew that indeed only the deepest affection could make a man disregard something like this and, even if he did, the knowledge would very likely taint the marriage.

He realized that he’d met probably the only woman in the world that had looked beyond his wealth and station. She had looked and she had found him lacking.

Darcy had never been one to shy away from problems and responsibilities but the outcome of nights of painful self-examination and the hopelessness of the situation put him in a very gloomy state. For Georgiana’s sake he tried to keep up appearances but he couldn’t fool himself. He told himself over and over that at least meeting Miss Bennet had given him a chance to become a better man but this conviction didn’t help against the feelings of loneliness and yearning he experienced.

Georgiana Darcy had believed her brother’s assurances that he didn’t think ill of her because of her actions and thoughts. Witnessing now his gloomy and sometimes nearly desperate state gave her second thoughts though. Of course she could have guessed that something else was wrong but she was a Darcy after all; despite recent setbacks she was raised to think herself the centre of her world.

When watching her brother trying hard to keep up appearances she was torn between pity, self-reproach and anger.

So one morning she decided to take a direct approach.

When Darcy looked at Georgiana over the breakfast table, something in her tone told him that she saw through him. Inclining his head towards the servants standing near the sideboard laden with dishes he asked Georgiana to join him in his study after breakfast.

„Do you have something on your mind, Georgiana?“

„I do indeed! You had me nearly convinced of your sincerity!“

Darcy was too puzzled to answer.

„You do your best, I assure you, but I can see how it weighs on your mind, to have a tainted sister on your hands.“

A lot could be said on Fitzwilliam Darcy’s temper but never that it was slow. He was on his feet in on instant and only managed to control himself when he saw the rising panic in his sister’s eyes. Still she stood firm, determined to challenge. Admiring the true Darcy spirit he motioned her to sit down.

„Georgiana, you are the most important person in the world to me but believe me, I have sorrows totally unconnected to you. I apologise if I ever gave you reason to think otherwise.“

Georgiana blushed a deep shade of red, yet she was not deterred.

„I am selfish indeed. Of course you have other problems than me. But, Fitzwilliam, I know that you are capable of , ah, painting things in a kinder light for my sake. If you are truly appalled by my behaviour I’d much rather know of it. And with your other problems I’d like to help.“

Chin high, eyes a challenge – Darcy realized that his baby sister indeed was growing up quickly.

„I’d rather not burden you.“

„Brother, I am no child anymore.“

When Darcy failed to answer, twisting his pinky ring she continued

„It can’t be a problem with the estate, I can guess that much. Is someone of our family ill? Or is it the situation in France? Or your fallout with Bingley?“

Darcy’s head went up. He only now realized that he hadn’t seen Bingley since that evening in the library or received any letter from him. The last bit didn’t mean a lot in his friend’s case but they’d usually met at their club regularly.

Seeing that Georgiana grew more and more anxious by the minute Darcy forced himself to answer

„My black mood is somehow connected to Bingley but I do not - “

„I got it! Bingley is crossed in love, you are at odds with each other – did you pursue the same woman? – Yes, I remember, her name is Bennet, isn’t it? You met her in Hertfordshire. I always wondered about Miss Bennet, as you hardly ever write about young women you meet. Yet your letters from Netherfield were full of Miss Bennet!“

Darcy only managed to croak

„Were they?“

Seeing his heightened colour Georgiana knew that she’d somehow hit the mark.

„But Fitzwilliam, this is by no means hopeless. You only have to let Miss Bennet decide! You needn’t fear her being mercenary; Mr. Bingley’s income is very comfortable. If she is such a woman as to catch the fancy of both of you she wouldn’t base her decision on your difference of income. I will invite Mr. Bingley for dinner and you will promise me to make up with him.“

„It is not as easy as that.“

„Just try, brother, don’t let your pride get in the way of your heart.“

This drew a bitter laugh from Darcy.

„I’ve already done that, sweetling.“

„Tell me.“

So he told Georgiana of the Misses Bennet, of his reluctance to fall in love with Elizabeth, of his separating Bingley from her sister. He saw the disbelief and disappointment on Georgiana’s face.

„Yes, you are right. I too think now such notions to be ridiculous. Well, I pay for my mistakes.“

Darcy then continued his narrative – meeting Elizabeth again in Kent, courting her (or at least believing to court her) and the proposal and its outcome.

Georgiana held his hands.

„Dearest brother, how you must suffer! Isn’t there a way to make her see? You can’t let her go on believing Wickham.“

Darcy nodded and went to unlock a box with his personal letters in the secretary.

„That’s a draft of the letter I have written to her. Read it.“

Georgiana did as she was bid.

„You were right telling her of Ramsgate. I just hope she believes you.“

„She does. The day after I’d placed the letter in her hand Col. Fitzwilliam and I went to the parsonage to say our farewells. She wasn’t there so I soon returned to Rosings. Elizabeth must have seen me. Back in London I found this waiting for me.“

He handed her Elizabeth’s letter.

„Before you read it though, I have to explain it’s effect on me. You can well imagine how hurt, bewildered and angry I was after her refusal. When reading her letter I was disgusted, I was too blind to see how generous it was of her to have written it. After some days my heart had recovered from the shock and yearned for her as ever. My mind took a little longer. In the midst of that process the incident with Helen happened. When I had come around again I had to tackle her reasons for refusing me, I couldn’t disregard them as the ravings of a fallen woman any longer. I have to concede that she is right in many of her assertions. – No, Georgie, do not try to talk me out of this. You might not have witnessed this but – when amongst strangers – my behaviour often is truly appalling.“

Both siblings were quiet, Georgiana reading Elizabeth’s letter and Darcy on one hand basking in the relief talking about all this had brought but on the other hand unsure whether it hadn’t been a selfish act to burden his sister with it.

She had finished the letter, quiet tears trickling down her face.

„What a woman! To have recovered from such an experience to be the woman you described! She could be broken or bitter or ...“

„Yes, what a woman.“

„You will not let her go, will you?“

„Over the past weeks I have striven to make myself worthy of her esteem and I will continue to do so. I will confess everything to Bingley and can only hope that he forgives me someday. Then I’ll return to Hertfordshire. Miss Bennet cannot miss the meaning of my return. I will try to show her that I’ve taken her reproofs to heart and maybe I will earn her respect. But I cannot make her love me and I wouldn’t want her to accept me out of some sort of gratitude.“

„I do so wish for your happiness, Fitzwilliam. I am glad you told me, fearing was worse than knowing. And now I will do everything in my power to ensure your success. Maybe I could accompany you to Netherfield?“

„I would like that, but I do not know how long the militia will be quartered in Meryton.“

„Sometimes I think I could face Wickham with indifference now.“

„I will ask Col. Fitzwilliam about the regiment’s plans.“

„Shall I invite Mr. Bingley and his sisters?“

„I’d rather look for him in our club.“

„Good luck, brother.“

Chapter 5

It was much later than Darcy´s usual time to visit his club but he did find Bingley there. From the easy conversation the latter held with the other gentlemen attendant, Darcy saw that Bingley must have been visiting at this time of day for quite a while. He had been avoiding him! Darcy knew that he deserved nothing better but was still hurt.

At the first convenient pause in the conversation he meant to intercept and ask Bingley for a word. At the last moment he checked himself. That would be arrogant and disregarding Bingley’s wishes, so he kept quiet.

Bingley, seeing his friend, excused himself soon and went to Darcy.

"Darcy, it’s good to see you." Darcy could well hear the he meant it.

"You too, Charles. I was looking for you."

"Is something the matter? You look, er, unsettled."

"Well, yes. I would like to talk to you in private if you can spare the time.”

"Of course. Your house or mine? Though I have to warn you - Caroline and Louisa are at home."

"Mine then."

When settled in Darcy´s library Bingley spoke first.

"Look, Darcy, I want to apologise for my outburst that evening. I am perfectly aware that it takes two - I have given you reasons enough over the past years not to trust my judgment, you have saved me from making more than a few stupid decisions.”

Darcy shook his head with vehemence.

"That may be but still I should have let you make your own decisions instead of arrogantly relying on my superior judgment. I wronged you greatly and I can well understand if you don’t want to see me again after hearing what I am going to tell you now."

He then proceeded, telling his friend of Jane having been in London and about what he learned from Elizabeth in Kent.

Bingley sat, astonished, in silence for a while.

"I believe that you only acted out of concern for my happiness - "

Darcy interrupted there

"I was not aware - or should I rather say that I didn’t want to acknowledge it - but back in November I had yet another reason for separating you from Miss Bennet. I felt that I was in great danger too because of, er, my growing admiration for Miss Elizabeth."

"Ah, that’s why ...! I thought your behaviour rather peculiar, you two were always quarrelling whereas before I’d only see you ignoring the women who are throwing themselves at you - not that Miss Elizabeth did do that. I rather felt that she didn’t like you all that much."

"That’s true. To what extent she doesn’t like me I found out in Kent."

Yet Darcy didn’t feel up to telling Bingley of his proposal.

“I am sorry if it caused you any grief. Isn’t it quite peculiar – Miss Elizabeth is maybe the one women we know who doesn’t desire your good opinion, yet you are interested in her.”

“Peculiar, yes. What will you do?”

“I will go to Hertfordshire and see with my own eyes whether Miss Bennet can forgive me. D-n, I am to go to Scarborough to see my family! Now how do I get out of that? If Miss Bennet is feeling the same as myself I wouldn’t want her to grief for three more weeks, yet I do not see how I can get out of that family thing in …”

“Bingley, just write to your Netherfield housekeeper. She will tell the butcher, the butcher will tell the baker, … you know how it is. And that way Miss Bennet will be prepared for your return.”

“Capital idea, thank you, Darcy.”

“Do not thank me, I only try to right my wrongdoings.”

“You admit you were wrong?”

“Utterly and completely, I apologise.”

“Apology granted, I know what my share is in this mess. And Darcy – you will come with me to Netherfield, won’t you?”

“I, er, I that is – “

“Come on! I am quite sure that Miss Elizabeth and you will manage to be civil to each other. You can’t leave Jane and me to be chaperoned by the Misses Mary, Kitty or Lydia!”

Darcy had to smile at his friends easy confidence.

“I will come with you.”

“Capital! And maybe you are so lucky as to gain Miss Elizabeth’s good opinion, too. You can be a forbidding fellow, if she gets to know you better maybe …”

“I will try.”

Bingley was not so insensitive as not to notice the dejection in Darcy’s answer.

“Gosh, I’m sorry, Darcy. I will not try to convince you to accompany me if it only causes you pain.”

“No, Charles. Miss Elizabeth and I started off badly but I’ll try to rectify that. Will you stay for dinner? Georgiana would like to see you there, too.”

“I’d like to, thank you.”

Bingley was exuberant, Georgiana happy and even Darcy felt for the first time in a while that all would be all right in the end.

They talked about Bingley’s visit to the north and about their trip to Hertfordshire. When Bingley said his farewells, Darcy had hopes that their friendship could indeed be repaired.

Following their friend’s departure from London Georgiana and her brother went to Pemberley. The season was still in full swing but as neither sibling was fond of soirees and balls, assemblies and evening engagements they left London without regrets. Darcy also was aware that he had a lot of work to get done at Pemberley if he was to leave again in three weeks time, right when the harvest started.

The Darcys spent their time at Pemberley pleasantly, often in true contentment. If one of them experienced darker moments still the knowledge of how they could support one another quieted them soon enough.

Chapter 6

Posted on Monday, 1 December 2003

Longbourn, three weeks later

The Gardiners had finally arrived. They were to stay for three days before setting off to the Lakes with Jane. The latter had tried to shut out her mother’s outbursts about the rumours that Mr. Bingley was to return to the country shortly and – though anxious to see him again – was quite eager to leave Longbourn for a while.

Mrs. Bennet had tried to convince Jane that she should stay at home to receive Mr. Bingley and let Lydia go in her stead. Mr. Bennet was inclined to let Jane stay home if she wished so but would not agree to Lydia accompanying the Gardiners. Apart from the fact that Mary and Kitty were older they would gain more than Lydia from the trip whereas Lydia would make both the Gardiners and herself miserable.

So in a quiet moment Mr. Bennet asked Jane for her opinion. She had talked everything through with Lizzy and had come to the conclusion that seeing Bingley once or twice before her departure would suffice for learning more of his feelings and the following separation would give both time to ascertain their constancy.

Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were much occupied with their sister and brother, they hadn’t seen them since Christmas. The children were quickly adjusting to being in the country, relishing in the freedom it meant for them. Samuel set his heart on building a kite and though Mary and Lizzy cautioned him against high hopes because the summer breeze would possibly not be enough to fly it, they didn’t deny him his wish. They built a beautiful kite and Samuel scampered happily off to try it. Lizzy longed to accompany him but knew that her mother would wish her to be in the drawing room and that Jane would want her presence, too, should Mr. Bingley call.

They were sitting not long when Bingley was announced. Jane was as composed as could be expected and a few minutes of observation convinced Elizabeth that she was well on her way to make him love her as much as ever. The visitor had brought the children into the drawing room, curious as they were to see the much talked of Mr. Bingley. A quick glance told Lizzy that Samuel was not amongst his siblings so she excused herself to look for him.

Going into the same direction as Samuel, her eyes heavenward to spot the kite, Lizzy nearly missed the rider behind the hedge.

Mr. Darcy!

He hadn’t seen her as he was looking down to something, so she stopped dead in her tracks and hid. Why would he come to Longbourn? He must not have read her letter, that was the only explanation. Maybe she’d remembered the address wrongly.

Then Lizzy heard someone sniffling. Samuel! Torn between her desire to run to his aid and her wish to avoid such an embarrassing meeting she stayed behind her hedge, unsure what to do.

She heard Mr. Darcy dismount.

“There’s your kite again, lad. It is truly well built, only the breeze is not right at the moment.”

Still sniffling Samuel mumbled.

“Thank you, sir. Lizzy and Mary told me the same but it did fly, until that tree – “

“It says a lot for your skill to fly a kite if you got it up today.”

Lizzy listened in astonishment. The proud Mr. Darcy earnestly discussing kites with a little boy and going to great lengths to make him feel less sorry!

“Lizzy taught me, she can fly a kite as high as the wind.”

“I am sure she can. Forgive my manners, my name is Fitzwilliam Darcy. And you are Samuel, aren’t you?”

Lizzy froze. He had gotten her letter and yet he’d returned to Hertfordshire! Her mind wanted to ignore the implications of such an action but her heart beat faster.

“I was about to call at Longbourn. Will you accompany me?”

Samuel must have nodded and Darcy put him on his horse. In a quite gentle manner he enquired

“You’re not afraid of horses, are you? – No? That’s a good boy. Now tell me why you’re still crying, hmm?”

“The k-k-kite, it’s t-t-torn!”

“But that can be mended easily. You just glue a bit of paper behind the tear, your kite will fly as good as ever.”

“But one can still see the tear!”

Mr. Darcy seemed to think on the problem.

“Well, I am quite sure that your cousins would help you to build a new one. I have another plan however. Tell me, are your relatives at Longbourn easily frightened?”

Through a gap in the hedge Lizzy saw Samuel, brow wrinkled in earnest contemplation of the question.

“Well, Mama isn’t and Lizzy neither, but the others, yes, they are easily scared.”

“In that case we have to be very careful. You see, the tear in your kite could help us make a really scary – pirate kite! If we mend it with red paper and paint stitches across it your kite will have an ugly scar. And then you will have to be very careful because, if you should by chance fly your kite in front of the drawing room window …”

The transformation on Samuel’s face was complete, his tears long forgotten and when he fully understood what Darcy was implying he started to giggle uncontrollably.

“So let’s get going. We’ll have to work quickly to catch them all assembled in the drawing room.”

They rode off.

Lizzy hadn’t realized how weak her knees had gotten until she wanted to use her legs. She went to the nearest bench and sat down.

Mr. Darcy so much altered! And back in Meryton! Her rational mind had to accept the conclusions she drew from the facts but soon took another direction. What if she had misjudged him to an even greater extent? What if he’d always been like this, just not at ease in public? Logic would have told Lizzy that it was likely a combination of both – that he had taken her reproofs to heart and that he was not as proud as she’d perceived him last autumn. But her mind was in such a turmoil that it could only jump from the worst to the most gratifying conclusions.

How was she to face Mr. Darcy?

Only the knowledge of never seeing him again had enabled her to write that letter! Now, with Jane on the road to happiness again she wished to take it back most fervently. If Darcy had objected to his friend marrying into her family because of their lack of connections he surely could not allow Bingley to have a fallen woman as sister-in-law. Yet why did he come back, why did he allow Bingley to come back?
Lizzy had no doubt that Darcy was behind their return.

That he was a man of honour was sure. She had to concede as well that she thought him capable of wounding his own pride for the sake of a friend, he must have told Bingley everything. And still she sensed that there was something more.

He could not still love her, could he?

She had to go into that drawing room to find out.

Chapter 7

Lizzy stepped quietly into the drawing room. She’d headed back to the house as soon as she could trust her legs again.

Mr. Darcy was not yet there, a fact which made her glad as she still needed time to brace herself for that encounter. Mrs. Gardiner shot Elizabeth an enquiring glance which she answered with a reassuring nod.

Mrs. Bennet caught Mr. Bingley glancing at the clock on the mantle piece which prompted her to urge him to stay a little longer. Lizzy and Jane blushed at this and Mr. Bennet hid behind his tea cup but Bingley was puzzled. Then he exclaimed

“Oh, no, Mrs. Bennet, I didn’t mean to leave so soon, there’s a lot we have to catch up on, I was wondering what could keep Darcy. He was to meet me here after his ride as I was delayed with my steward and usually he could shame Big Ben with his punctuality. I hope he didn’t meet with an accident.”

Mr. Bennet was highly amused by this.

“Do not worry overmuch, Mr. Bingley. If Mr. Darcy landed in some ditch around here Lizzy will happen upon him sooner or later on one of her rambles.”

Said Lizzy nearly spilled her tea and Mr. Bingley looked a bit silly on that reflection. Just then Hill announced a visitor.

As Mrs. Bennet liked a bit of drama more than anything else her greeting of Mr. Darcy was more effusive than it would have been otherwise.

“Mr. Darcy! We’re quite glad to have you here at Longbourn safe and sound.”

Now it was Darcy’s turn to look almost silly (as Darcy couldn’t look really silly).

He’d tried to prepare himself for seeing Elizabeth again but there had been no way for him to prepare himself for the extent of Mrs. Bennet’s folly. He replied with as much civility as he could muster under the circumstances.

“Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Bennet”

Then he was introduced to the Gardiners and their children and after that, finally had a chance to look at Elizabeth for the first time. Aware of the watchful eyes of Mr. Bennet, he greeted each family member in a similar way, not having a chance to catch her eye. Mrs. Bennet was determined not to let him escape so easily.

“Mr. Bingley here feared for your safety.”

“Have there been problems with highway men in the area?”

Bingley had to cut in before Mrs. Bennet could offer the possibility of Darcy having fallen off his horse.

“I merely wondered what kept you so long, Darcy, as between the two of us it is never you that is late.”

“True enough, I’m quite used to reading the first act of a play at home while waiting if I’m to go to the theatre with you. I was delayed by a wayward object in a tree.”

Mr. Bennet by now was glad not to have retired to his library.

“Pray tell Mr. Darcy, did you put your hat on at such a daring angle that even today’s gentle breeze upset it?’”

“Something in that vein, yes.”

Elizabeth was astonished by the great civility, good humour even, with which he bore her family’s insolence. But on the other hand he hadn’t even looked at her save when bowing to her. Did she want him to look at her? In all honesty, yes, she did, even if only to learn more about his reasons for returning to Hertfordshire.

Due to her preoccupation Lizzy missed the guarded glance Darcy shot her after settling into a discussion with the Gardiners and the not so guarded glances of her father who wished to share a twinkle or two with her about the unique tableau the crowded drawing room presented.

Being bored had driven the youngest Gardiner boy to a certain restlessness which resulted in his upsetting his mother’s teacup. In the following bustle no one but Lizzy noticed the `pirate kite´ outside the window which was obviously held up over the windowsill by Samuel.

“Look, what a horrible thing in the garden!”

Everybody looked and thought Lizzy to be quite mad. Mary could follow her sister’s plan but still only managed a very unconvincing shriek.

But then Mr. Darcy left his seat, shouting at Mr. Bennet.

“Quick, sir, your swords, this looks like an extremely dangerous pirate kite!”

His apparent lapse into complete madness managed to draw the so desired shrieks from Mrs. Bennet, Kitty and Lydia. Mary was hard pressed to keep a straight face but offered her scissors to Mr. Darcy nonetheless as Mr. Bennet was unable to move.

“Will that do, sir?”

Hearing Samuel’s delighted chuckle and his quickly running off, the knight was glad not to have to go into an `en garde´ position with a pair of scissors in Longbourn's drawing room.

“I thank you, Miss Mary. The foe has fled it appears.”

Mr. Bennet and Mr. Bingley still had not recovered when Darcy apologized to Mrs. Bennet for the disturbance who waved him off with a condescending

“I was quite frightened myself.”

Then Darcy turned to the Gardiners to enquire whether their younger ones weren’t shocked by his outburst but Mrs. Gardiner reassured him.

“They’re quite used to their brother’s antics, do not worry.”

Mr. Gardiner added

“Thank you for playing along, your request for swords was –“

As Darcy has seen Samuel slipping into the drawing room he interrupted Mr. Gardiner and answered in a louder voice

“But swords are the only way to fight pirate kites. Either slash them or cut the line.”

“Oh yes, there’s some sense in that.”

By then Samuel had come forward and was introduced to Bingley and Darcy. The latter he greeted with a solemn bow although he was fairly bursting with glee.

Mr. Bennet had planned to invite Bingley for dinner anyway but now Darcy’s presence added merit to the plan. He advised Hill to place Darcy and Lizzy to his left and right to make the most of the evening. His favourite daughter would help him finding out whether the incident earlier was madness, a single spark of genius or indeed an indication of a – so far well hidden – sense of humour on Darcy’s side.

“Gentlemen, I think this shock calls for something fortifying in the library. I trust you will stay for dinner?”

Bingley shot an enquiring glance at Darcy only to find him already accepting. Together with Mr. Gardiner they followed their host, leaving the ladies to get dressed for dinner.

At first Darcy had only turned to Mr. Gardiner for conversation because he wanted to escape questions from Mr. Bennet and Bingley but soon he found out that he really enjoyed himself as the elder man showed good sense and a keen head for business.

Lizzy was glad that Jane had followed her into her room to talk about Mr. Bingley. She didn’t want to be left alone with her thoughts about Mr. Darcy. A logical way would be to talk to Mrs. Gardiner, her closest confidante, but her aunt had always stressed the point with Lizzy that she had been very lucky and that she must not tempt fate by telling anyone. Telling – in writing even – a man wholly unconnected to her family would appear very foolish indeed to Mrs. Gardiner and worry her greatly. No, Lizzy had to carry her burden alone.

Upon seeing her father’s seating arrangements Lizzy felt only dismay. She’d hoped for a quiet moment with Darcy after dinner, one guarded question would answer a lot for her, but having to face him for a whole dinner seemed an impossible task. During the course of the meal her vexation grew as Mr. Darcy mainly conversed with Mr. Bennet. Elizabeth couldn’t know how much of an effort this cost Darcy but he was determined not to cause her embarrassment by his attentions. Considering Mrs. Bennet’s appetite for possible suitors he would put Lizzy in an impossible situation should her mother suspect his intentions.

Also Mr. Bennet’s powers of discernment were not to be underestimated and although Darcy saw that Elizabeth was his favourite he couldn’t know whether her father would spare her from his teasing.

At one time, when Mr. Bennet was addressing Bingley, Darcy risked a direct glance at Lizzy. She met his eye and he tried to convey to her that she’d nothing to fear from him but nevertheless she paled at first only to blush furiously later. Darcy would have to wait, either for later this evening or for a chance meeting outside. And he would ride up and down all Hertfordshire to bring this chance meeting about.

Lizzy desperately wished to be somewhere else. Darcy’s look had thoroughly disconcerted her. If she’d read it correctly he was still interested in her, yet there was more than admiration and passion in his eyes, something like a gentle caring. Was it pity? But why would the great Mr. Darcy bother to pity a fallen woman of no consequence?

No, she had to be just. She had already misjudged him, she should not repeat her mistake. Either he had changed that much due to her reproofs or he had not been himself last autumn, possibly because of worrying about his sister whose disappointment would have been very recent then.

And one thing was sure - Darcy was neither a stupid nor a reckless man. He knew the consequences of his pursuing her. His – and his sister’s – honour and reputation would never be safe if he married her. Her secret could be discovered any time.

A dreadful possibility came to Lizzy´s mind, so horrible that she felt ill actually and had to excuse herself from the table.

Chapter 8

Posted on Saturday, 6 December 2003

No one really noticed her leaving apart from Darcy. Lizzy felt his eyes on her back. She pondered whether to retire to her bedroom or get some fresh air and decided for the garden, a welcome relief after the – to her – oppressive air in the drawing room.

Could it really be? Could Darcy have returned to Hertfordshire not to pursue her hand in marriage but to make her – his mistress?

Lizzy felt quite sick. She walked up and down the garden path, trying to calm down. After a few turns she was able to apply logic to her thoughts. Had she ever witnessed anything in his behaviour that indicated an immoral character? No, he was neither fond of drink or cards nor had he shown any inconsistency in his religious habits. Even during his stay in Hertfordshire last autumn she had noticed that he hardly ever needed his prayer book. She even remembered that he actually had a pleasing voice when singing, not as bright as Bingley’s tenor but warm and full.

And what Wickham had mocked as fastidiousness had revealed itself as diligence. Charlotte had been full of praise for Darcy, about his foresight and thoughtfulness in amending and correcting Lady Catherine’s errors.

No, Lizzy had every reason to view herself as a bad judge of character but she was quite sure that she had got Darcy right now. Besides that she couldn’t reconcile her picture of a caring brother – every word in his account of Georgiana’s trials spoke of him being pained for her sake – with that of a man ruthlessly pursuing a woman he knew to have no real defense, to become his mistress.

Then there was Bingley. From the events of this day, Lizzy had at least drawn the conclusion that Darcy was no longer opposed to the match. He could not mean his best friend to marry the sister of his mistress.

A sigh of relief escaped Lizzy and she felt she’d be ready to go inside again eventually. In the hall she put her shawl into the closet and was about to enter the drawing room again when another thought struck her. Why did the suspicion of Darcy pursuing her as his mistress make her actually ill? There was something else apart from her obvious revulsion at the thought of being anybody’s mistress. Mrs. Gardiner had on one hand managed to restore Lizzy’s confidence in her own worth but had on the other hand warned her that society would not forgive her should Samuel’s existence ever come to light. An elopement followed by an annulled marriage of a barely fifteen year old might be overlooked but not a child.

At the same time Mrs. Gardiner had always stressed that detection was very unlikely because when Samuel was born they had lived in a different part of town, with very few servants none of whom were with them now.

Lizzy scolded herself for her nonsensical notions. She had written Darcy with the purpose of making him thinking ill of her, to make him suffer less. So why did the mere possibility of him doing so grieve her now?

She heard the library door, the gentlemen were returning to the drawing room so she slipped inside quickly. Her mother assigned the task of pouring coffee to her, which didn’t keep her busy as most of the guests were preferring tea. Elizabeth knew from observation that Darcy did so too therefore she was surprised to see him coming her way.

“I trust you are in good health, Miss Bennet?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

Topics seemed to fail them. A quick glance showed Darcy that no one was paying them any notice so he dared to address her with what was foremost on his mind.

“Miss Bennet, I of course noticed your absence earlier. It was never my intention to distress you. I apologise if indeed my presence here was the cause and will stay out of your way as much as possible without appearing to slight your family if you wish so.”

Lizzy evaded a direct answer.

“So you’re planning a longer stay?”

“Bingley professes a wish to learn as much as possible about running an estate, I’m glad to be of use to him. Besides that my sister has accompanied us and does already like what she has seen of Hertfordshire.”

“She will miss your company tonight.”

“Maybe she will, yes. I thought of procuring an invitation for her as well but I am afraid that a whole drawing room full of unknown people would quite frighten her.”

Lizzy was surprised at this, she’d suspected for a moment that he hadn’t brought his sister along because he didn’t want to subject her to such company. She was aware however that she hadn’t answered his question and thought of a way to do so in a decisive yet noncommittal manner, so that he would get her meaning but someone catching their conversation would not suspect anything.

“To answer your question I have to ask one first.”

Darcy nodded, accepting milk from her.

“Did you find a lot of correspondence piled up on your return from Kent in London?”

As she saw Bingley approach she added

“I remember once a conversation about your letter writing, Miss Bingley seemed adamant on your even hand.”

Darcy had noticed Bingley too and only dared to answer.

“Sometimes my hand is not as even as I wish.”

Bingley chimed in

“Do not worry, I will not try to understand, you two had always the oddest conversations. Miss Elizabeth, your sister sent me to procure a cup of coffee for her.”

Elizabeth knew that Jane’s wish for coffee rather stemmed from her helping her to get rid of Darcy than from a real desire for it and as this was just what she herself did not wish for she looked pointedly at Darcy and said

“If you excuse me just for a moment, sir.”

Darcy bowed and stayed put, searching the room for signs that his prolonged stay at Miss Elizabeth’s side had been observed. So far that had not been the case.

As soon as Bingley had left Lizzy continued.

“Some letters are hard to write but have to be written nonetheless. Sometimes it can be though that they do not have the desired effect, that the writer’s pain in writing them is wasted by the recipient’s not heeding the content of the letter.”

Darcy paled considerably at this yet couldn’t tear himself away from her side. A pained look crossed his face which alerted Elizabeth to the fact that Darcy hadn’t had a chance yet to confirm whether he had received her letter or not. If he hadn’t got her letter and consequently applied her meaning to his own letter he would get it all wrong.

“Pray, sir, do not jump to conclusions.”

Darcy cleared his throat.

“I have to admit I am lost.”

They needed a chance to talk uninhibited by casual eavesdroppers, so Lizzy quickly said, as she saw her father approaching

“I hope your helping Mr. Bingley with the estate business does not prevent you from showing your sister some of Hertfordshire’s natural beauties?”

“I always make time for a morning ride as I’m an early riser.”

Mr. Bennet had reached them and both hoped that the last bit meant they would meet outside in the morning.

“Oh Mr. Darcy, how do you think a pirate kite made it’s way to Longbourn, so far from the coast?”

“I cannot know, that’s the first I’ve ever seen, outside of books that is.”

Lizzy had to grin at Darcy’s easily repartee to her father’s barb.

“Ah, yes, books. I’ve heard you keep a fine library at Pemberley.”

“I hope so sir, although I have to admit that I’ve seen some books in yours I’ve been looking for for years.”

“Feel free to borrow them anytime.”

“Thank you.”

Mr. Darcy was drawn into a conversation by Mr. Bennet and Mr. Gardiner and soon after, the evening came to an end.

Mrs. Gardiner had seen a lot to interest her but nothing to justify an enquiry. Lizzy went to bed with a lighter heart than she’d thought possible earlier that evening and as she was really tired fell asleep soon.

Chapter 9

A bright and early Hertfordshire sun promised a hot day as she shone upon two early risers. Darcy had slept fitfully at best. Thankfully Georgiana had retired when they’d returned to Netherfield because Darcy wouldn’t have liked her enquiries about how the evening went. He could not say himself.

At first Miss Bennet had been very much disturbed by his presence, that much was sure. Later, after her return, she had seemed eager to talk to him but Darcy couldn’t fathom why that would be. She couldn’t mistake the meaning of his return, could she?

Elizabeth felt apprehension but also a curious relief. She would ask him whether he’d received her letter and then take it from there. Thinking of her aunt’s warning about never telling anyone Lizzy still felt unable to worry about Darcy now knowing her darkest secret – she somehow was very sure it was safe with him.

No, this morning could only bring clarity; she had nothing to worry.

Making her way into the direction of Netherfield, Lizzy kept her ears pricked for hoof beats. Therefore Mr. Darcy’s sudden appearance on foot startled her.

“Miss Bennet.”

“Mr. Darcy.”

“May I join you?”

“You’re welcome.”

They walked on, farther away from either Longbourn and Netherfield. Neither spoke at first, after some minutes they started to talk at the same time. Darcy apologized and bade Elizabeth to continue.

“This is difficult for me but I have to ask – did you receive my letter?”

Darcy stopped and looked at her earnestly.

“Yes, Miss Bennet, I did. Be assured that your secret is safe with me. It pains me to imagine what you must have gone through at such a young age.”

Lizzy looked at him in astonishment which drew a rueful smile from Darcy.

“You have every right to be surprised. To be honest it took me a while to see the generosity in your writing this letter. I wasn’t in, er, the right state of mind after Hunsford.”

She took her time before replying.

“I wrote the letter to make you justly despise me. At first I felt only indignation about the manner your offer was made. I didn’t think that anything other than your pride could be hurt by my refusal. After reading your letter and thinking about its contents I felt wretched and ashamed and when I saw you leaving the parsonage I was able to see that I’d wounded a perfectly good man just out of folly and prejudices. I had always thought that my experience at least has enabled me to be a good judge of character but now I have to see that’s not the case. I got it all wrong with Mr. Wickham and you.”

“Miss Bennet, I am far from being a perfectly good man. You could have been more gentle and I am sure you would have been despite your dislike of me, had I not angered you to the extreme with the manner of my proposal. Since then I have come to see reason, I wouldn’t want Georgiana to accept such a proposal, even if she were fond of the man. As to my goodness - I try to be a diligent and just master, I value my friends and family highly and would do a lot to protect or please them but beyond that you were perfectly right. Selfish disdain - yes, quite, ungentleman like manner - also true – “

“Stop it, Mr. Darcy! This was said in anger and with the intention to hurt and I am sorry for it.”

“Miss Bennet, don’t be. You’ve done me a favour. You’ve reminded me that I’d digressed from my path; that I was far from being the man I always strove to be. I despise vanity and condescension and still didn’t see these faults in myself. No, Miss Bennet, please, never be sorry, I will be forever grateful to you for helping me to see light.”

The urgency and agitation with which he spoke startled Elizabeth. She saw the intense emotion in his eyes and felt her heart beat faster. She had to ask.

“Why are you here, sir?”

Darcy looked away, trying to regain his composure. He’d hoped to have to answer this particular question a little bit later, when she’d had time to become accustomed to his presence, when he’d had a chance to show her that he was not devoid of every proper feeling.

“Mr. Darcy?”

He turned and looked at her.

“I think you cannot miss the reason of my being here in Hertfordshire. I had vowed to myself to try to rectify the wrong I’d done by your sister and Bingley and Bingley has asked me to help with the estate but my main reason is you .”

Lizzy didn’t know any longer which answer she’d expected but knew what answer she had to give him.

“Mr. Darcy, even if I cared not a straw about you I could not accept your present assurances. If you cannot see what misery such a connection would bring on you, on your sister, on your whole family, then I must look out for you!”

This had come out a tumbled mess but Darcy hadn’t read logic at Cambridge for nothing. She’d said she couldn’t accept him because she cared! She hadn’t said to what extent – it couldn’t be much at this point in their relationship – but it was a starting point, as long as the caring was there he didn’t need acceptance just now.

“Miss Bennet, I had hoped that this would have come up a little bit later between us, when you are more used to my company, when I had a chance to show you that I’ve taken your reproofs to heart, but it can’t be helped. Yesterday you appeared to be greatly disturbed by my presence, hence my offer of taking myself out of your way as much as possible.”

Elizabeth looked at him earnestly. His eyes told her that he spoke the truth, he would avoid her, should she wish it. That she herself didn’t want to avoid him now that their arguments were on the table came as a surprise to her, in addition to the warmth this thought evoked.

“Your visit came as a surprise to me. There is no need to avoid each other’s company though I beg you not to read anything into my assurance now.”

“I thank you, Miss Bennet.”

Elizabeth sighed.

“You’re not going to heed one word I said!”

“To be honest, no. If you are absolutely, irrevocably decided against me I will bow to your wishes, but possible exposure of your secret alone cannot deter me. I do not fear for myself but for Georgiana´s sake I’ve given the matter serious thought. An annulled marriage will cause gossip but that will die down soon enough – I do not want to sound arrogant but my family is too important to be slighted by society just because of a youthful error of judgment. Samuel’s existence is possibly weightier in society’s eyes but from what I gathered from your letter chances of detection are slim and even if revealed, we would brace that as well.”

“I think your sister will think otherwise when a room hushes on her entry, when suitors from respectable families tour the continent all of a sudden.”

“Miss Bennet, it was Georgiana who brought me my sense. If you will hear the whole story let us find a place where we can sit down; it will take some time.”

Elizabeth led him to a secluded spot with a tree stump large enough to seat two. Darcy chose to remain standing however and with a low voice told her everything: His bewilderment, shock, anger when first reading her letter, the incident with Helen, his sister’s reaction to it and their talks, his acknowledgement of the truth in her accusations and his painful dealing with that knowledge.

“You see, I’m neither very good nor foolhardy, Miss Bennet.”

Lizzy sat stunned. It was exhilarating to talk to somebody with such frankness. She’d never experienced anything like that before, not even with her aunt who was her closest confidante. And yet it felt good – to be stripped of everything, to have nothing to fear from the other person, just one’s own heart and mind.

Looking at him with a wondrous shake of her head Lizzy answered.

“You were right to tell your sister. I hope she’s feeling better. I do not want to imagine what I would have done without my wonderful aunt. I am sure you did everything in your power for her but sometimes it takes a female confidante.”

“You are perfectly right, I felt my own inadequacy keenly in that area. Will it – would it be too much – if I asked to introduce Georgiana to you? I could drive her over after breakfast.”

“It will be a pleasure. Longbourn will be quiet as my mother and my younger sisters planned a visit to our Aunt Phillips in Meryton.”

“It will be easier for my sister that way, perfect. I thank you, Miss Bennet.”

“We’d better return.”

“You’re right.”

Darcy offered Elizabeth his arm and they made their way back to the spot where they’d met.

Miss Darcy was a shy, gentle and unassuming young lady. Elizabeth implored all of her social skills to draw her out but didn’t get much more than very short answers. Mary was there, too. Mr. Darcy had excused himself to visit with Mr. Bennet in his library. Elizabeth felt that Miss Darcy very much wanted to participate more but couldn’t yet overcome her reserve. In the end it was one of Mary´s comments on her favourite topic – Fordyce – that drew Georgiana out.

Mary, not used to being actually taken seriously answered with an original thought and soon enough the two young ladies were engaged in as heated of a discussion as both their tempers allowed.

Elizabeth leaned back, smiling in amusement. When Mr. Darcy slipped back into the drawing room his astonished look at the unlikely pairing nearly made her laugh. As Georgiana hadn’t yet spotted him and as he feared to disturb the conversation he motioned to the garden with his head. Lizzy stood up and excused herself, Mary and Miss Darcy hardly noticed this.

Outside Darcy chuckled.

“What an astonishing sight! I haven’t seen my sister that animated with a near stranger since ages.”

“I must confess Mary surprised me, too.”

As they were in full sight of the library and the drawing room they stayed with safe topics like Jane’s trip to the Lakes or Bingley’s forays into handling an estate.

Georgiana issued and invitation for Mary and Elizabeth to Netherfield before taking leave and all four parted with the conviction of having had a most splendid morning.

Chapter 10

Posted on Tuesday, 9 December 2003

The following days were filled with activities as Jane and the Gardiners readied themselves for their trip.

While Mary and Elizabeth visited Georgiana at Netherfield, Darcy and Bingley called at Longbourn. Jane told her sister afterwards with glowing cheeks what a pleasant walk they’d had. She was sure to miss Mr. Bingley but determined to enjoy herself with the Gardiners, particularly as Mr. Bingley had asked her whether he would be allowed to send her greetings through Elizabeth’s letters.

When the day to leave came, their parting was swift for the sake of not vexing the little Gardiners too much.

Elizabeth did not have time to miss Jane. Although Kitty and Mary helped most of the care for her cousins lay on her shoulders. Miss Darcy delighted in visiting, being very fond of children but not having some in the near family.

Her brother would sometimes accompany her but not too often. Elizabeth enjoyed his visits and was grateful that he was true to his word not to put pressure on her. She realized that she actually began to look forward to seeing him. This gave her a start – the more she liked him, the harder it would be to resist his proposals but this she must for his sake and for Georgiana whom Elizabeth had began to care for like a sister.

Thus the days were spent not idle but leisurely, the fine weather and smooth proceeding of the hay harvest adding to the contentedness of the inhabitants of Netherfield and Longbourn.

Lizzy therefore suspected nothing when her father summoned her to the library one morning. His sombre mien told her immediately that something was terribly wrong.

“Come in, sit down.”

Lizzy did as she was bid.

“I am sorry, child, but I’ve heard a dreadful rumour.”

She looked at her father expectantly.

“Sir William Lucas told me that John Willoughby has taken lodgings at the Meryton Inn.”

Elizabeth blanched. She had felt so safe, so secure never to have to see that man again!

“Lizzy, you must not walk out alone as long he is near. He doesn’t know anyone around here, his former friend has long since moved. I fear his stay means trouble for us, he might intend some blackmailing.”

“Of course, Papa. I will only walk with my sisters and the children.”

“That’s another problem. I’m sorry to pain you, child, but Samuel is the spitting image of his father save for his eyes. This is no cause for concern as all of the Gardiners are dark haired but should Willoughby ever encounter him he cannot miss the connection. And we know the man too well to assume he will not use that knowledge with the intention of hurting you.”

Lizzy was hard pressed to keep her tears down by now.

“But what can we do, Papa? Shall we go to London?”

“Not yet, just do not go farther than the brook inside Longbourn park with the children . I’ll try to find out as much as possible. Do not despair, Lizzy, just be careful.”

Yet Lizzy left the library in despair, she could not help herself. Added to her fear for Samuel and her family she felt her unfitness to be the wife of any honourable man more acutely than ever.

Blinded by her tears she headed for the garden and nearly collided with Mr Darcy.

“Good God, what is the matter? “ he cried with more feeling than politeness.

Lizzy struggled not to sob out loud and took his arm to lead him into the garden. She chose the prettyish kind of wilderness on the far end of the garden, out of view from the library.

Darcy followed her lead without asking any questions, his heart torn between his desire to comfort her in his arms and the knowledge that he must not ruin everything between them by doing anything rash. Over the past few weeks, Elizabeth had come to trust him, to enjoy his company. Their conversations had never ventured to certain topics although Darcy felt that it would be harder and harder for her to refuse him as time went by, but he had vowed to her and to himself not to pressure her and therefore was determined to wait until she came to him voluntarily.

He walked Elizabeth to a little bench and sat down next to her but did not relinquish his hold of her hand, neither did she withdraw it.

After her tears had subsided she looked at Darcy with the saddest expression in her eyes.

“My former `husband´ “ – she fairly spat the word – “ has supposedly taken lodgings in Meryton. My father expects nothing good out of this, some sort of blackmail can be his only aim.”

Darcy pressed her hand.

“What has been done?”

“What is there to be done? My father is trying to find out as much as possible about his purpose in coming to Hertfordshire.”

Darcy wanted to point out that he could quite possibly shower the man in money and ship him off to America because if he’d really come to Meryton to extort the Bennets he must be desperate. Mr Bennet didn’t have a lot to give. Darcy knew however that this would be neither polite nor helpful and that this offer should be made to Mr Bennet and for that he would need Elizabeth’s permission to tell her father about everything that had occurred between them. So Darcy decided to wait, for now he had yet another solution.

“Considering the closeness between Georgiana, Mary and you, it wouldn’t appear unreasonable at all for my sister to invite you to Pemberley. My going there would be prudent too because of the harvest, even more so as Bingley appears to be perfectly capable on his own by now.”

This prospect momentarily brightened Elizabeth’s countenance only to be clouded soon again.

“Your kind offer only solves half of the problem. I hadn’t noticed before but I cannot overlook it any longer – Samuel is the spitting image of his `father´, should he by chance see the boy everything is lost.”

Darcy thought on this for a while.

“The Gardiners mentioned that they would stop in Lambton on their way back to visit old friends. It may appear a bit farfetched but not totally unreasonable for us to take the children with us so that they can meet their parents earlier. Maybe your mother can be of help here, as it appears to me that sometimes their exuberance affects her nerves.”

Lizzy sighed with relief and Darcy was rewarded with a most tender and grateful smile and a light pressure to his hand.

“I thank you, sir. Half an hour ago I was utterly miserable and now you’ve come up with perfectly sensible solutions.”

Darcy was glad that he’d fought back to mention his other solution – an invitation to Pemberley she was able to accept but an offer to bribe her former husband to stay away she could not possibly accept without feeling indebted to him.

“Miss Bennet, I am happy to be of use and so is Georgiana. One thing I would like to offer as well – will you not tell me his name, or at least describe him? Your father cannot watch out all the time as I can watch for strangers when inspecting the fields and meadows with Bingley.”

“John Willoughby, of Combe Magna in Somersetshire. He’s of medium height – “

Darcy halted her with his hand.

“I know him by sight, and by reputation I’m afraid. He’s fond of carriage races and gambling and as the last thing I’ve heard of him is that his aunt, on whom he depends financially, is seriously displeased with him. Your father’s fear of him being in a desperate enough situation to resort to blackmail may well be true. But do not worry too much, Miss Bennet, I will keep my eyes open and apprise Georgiana of the new situation. Maybe you could prepare the ground for a swift removal at Longbourn?”

Elizabeth had to smile despite the grim topic.

“I can see how you run Pemberley with a calm efficiency. I will be glad to have my hands full, it is not in my nature to sit like a frightened rabbit in front of the snake.”

Darcy couldn’t help himself, he drew her hand to his lips for a brief kiss.

“I know, Miss Bennet. Your courage always rises with the challenge.”

They returned to the house and soon after Darcy left.

Alone, Lizzy wondered why he hadn’t been more shocked by the news. She had been sure that he had somehow deluded himself to the possible danger to his and Georgiana´s reputation but now Elizabeth had the sneaking suspicion that Darcy could think of quite a few other solutions he hadn’t shared with her.

A dreadful thought occurred to her. He wouldn’t challenge Willoughby to a duel, would he? Her rational mind told her that Darcy was far too mature and responsible a man to resort to the illegal satisfaction of a duel but a nagging fear stayed with her. The thought that he could be wounded or even dead, disturbed her greatly. Elizabeth didn’t mind making a fool of herself; she would ask him, beg if necessary, not to do anything rash.

Mr Bennet returned from Meryton with bad news. It was indeed Willoughby who had taken lodgings, but so far he had neither ventured outside his room nor sent any messages to old acquaintances.

Liz’s father had the fleeting hope that he’d simply hide from creditors in Meryton and therefore be in a vulnerable position but he knew that the same instance would make him desperate for money and even less inclined to spare the Bennets. Mr Bennet’s only consolation was that his wife hadn’t heard the news so far which spared Lizzy and himself the humiliation of listening to her hopes for her daughters which she inevitably voiced whenever a young man came through Meryton.

The following day, a Sunday, Lizzy stayed back home with the three youngest children. Mr Bennet could report that Willoughby had not been seen nor was there any news that he’d made an appearance in the village, only hints that he sent for a bottle often. Elizabeth relaxed a little bit, in fact she couldn’t do else in the children’s presence.

After lunch she had a little time to herself. Taking a book with her, she went to a shady corner of the park. Lizzy forced herself to examine her feelings for Mr Darcy. She knew that over the last few weeks she had pretended that their summer would never end. It would be over very soon and Darcy would possibly ask again to marry her. Lizzy by now was sure that she could learn to love him as much as he did love her and that they complemented and suited each other perfectly.

Whenever he was near, Elizabeth felt on one hand very safe and secure, whole , but on the other hand often giddy and self-conscious, she seemed to be able to feel his eyes on her all the time.

And yet – she couldn’t give him a positive answer, she could never be Mrs Darcy; the events of the last few days being ample proof of that. Just imagining Willoughby turning up at Lambton, taking lodgings at an inn there, dropping hints about the master’s wife – Elizabeth shuddered with the realization what mortification that would mean for Mr Darcy and Georgiana.

No, she had to be strong for their sake and be persistent in her refusal to marry him.

That thought weighed her down considerably. Lizzy tried to shake it off and enjoy the rest of the time they had but was not successful at all. Oh yes, she would see him again, that was inevitable if Jane and Mr Bingley married, but the separation already seemed unbearable to her.

For the rest of the day she had to struggle to keep up at least a halfway cheerful appearance.

After some hours of fitful sleep Elizabeth awoke at the break of dawn. The sky was a greenish grey, not yet rose-tinted by the rising sun, the first birds were just about to start their song.

A dream had disturbed her sleep. Mr Darcy had been in it and she had been in his arms. And she’d felt peaceful, content and absolutely at home there. Still half enveloped in her dream Lizzy allowed herself to spin the thought of what would happen if she said “yes”. She pictured long walks on the grounds of Pemberley, discussions in the library, visits to tenants, … “Stop it, Lizzy!” she admonished herself, "this is utterly selfish!"

One thing still disturbed her – was it arrogant to presume that Darcy didn’t know what was good for him? He was a grown man after all who had successfully carried a lot of responsibility from a very young age on. Was it conceited to think that he had lost his head over her so completely that he would act against what was good for him, and his sister?

Elizabeth felt a desperate need for fresh air and as the sun was already up by then she quietly went down. Her father was already up, bidding her a good morning and continuing into the library.

Lizzy was just about to tie her bonnet when a commotion was heard from the kitchen. A loud shriek and Hill’s voice was to be heard, calling for a manservant. Elizabeth turned to investigate when the door leading to the kitchen was thrown open and no other than Mr Darcy stepped through.

And what a sight he was! He was not wearing a coat and the left arm and shoulder of his shirt were dirtied. As he stepped forward Elizabeth saw to her utter horror how pale he was and that his shirt was not dirty but - bloodstained.

Chapter 11

Darcy saw her but only asked

“Miss Bennet, is your father up already?”

Lizzy stood frozen on the spot and was only able to point to the library door. Darcy quickly made his way there. When he had vanished behind the door she was able to move again. She ran after him, not bothering to knock. Inside she had only eyes for Darcy.

“Are you hurt?”

Darcy only now seemed to notice the state of his shirt.

“No, no, Miss Bennet, not a scratch.”

Mr Bennet interfered, looking shocked and very sombre.

“Lizzy, child, please sit down. – Mr Darcy, will you continue?”

“On my morning ride I happened to come to the site of a duel. I saw the shooting from afar. One participant died and the other I brought here as it was the nearest house. He’s seriously wounded and your housekeeper has already sent for a surgeon.”

“Do you think the men are from around here?”

“No, the wounded one I knew from my club, a Col Brandon from Devon. The other man was a John Willoughby.”

Darcy avoided looking at Elizabeth, giving her time to keep her composure. Mr Bennet’s head had perked up sharply, he was eyeing his daughter full of concern but was relieved that she took the news without and outward sign of disturbance.

Mr Bennet rang for Hill.

“Hill, will you please see to it that Col Brandon is brought to my room, ah, and could you show Mr Darcy where he can put on a clean shirt. Please see to it that my wife is not unduly disturbed.”

Hill knew from long service that the last sentence meant that the news should be kept from Mrs Bennet as long as possible. Mr Bennet turned to Mr Darcy.

“I’m glad you brought the colonel here, I only hope his wound is not too serious.”

Darcy followed Hill outside and Mr Bennet went over to where Lizzy was sitting. Gently taking her hand he asked

“Are you all right, Lizzy?”

“I’m, er, I do not know what to think right now.”

“Take your time, child. And do know, you can turn to me whenever you feel like.”

“Thank you, Papa, I know.”

He embraced her and went first to see after Col Brandon and then to fetch the corpse, as from Darcy’s earlier description of the site the duel had occurred on Longbourn’s ground.

Lizzy searched for Hill to enquire whether she needed any help, cutting binds or the like. The surgeon was already with the patient.

Elizabeth knew she couldn’t meet Mr Darcy right now so she retired to her room until breakfast was served. She had a lot to think on. The anger and mortification of her wedding night had faded somewhat in her memory and although the thought crossed her mind that now Samuel was spared exposure to a man he could never respect – his learning somehow of who and what his natural father was had always been her greatest fear – she could not feel relief that Willoughby was dead.

Mr Bennet had taken a cart and his manservant to the grove where the duel had taken place.

Col Brandon’s second was waiting for them. He enquired after his friend but Mr Bennet couldn’t give him a satisfactory answer yet. Therefore the second offered to travel to Delaford to inform Brandon’s friends after apprising Mr Bennet of the reason for the duel - Col Brandon had pursued Willoughby because he had impregnated and abandoned the colonel’s ward.

Willoughby’s second apparently had fled which suited Mr Bennet just fine.

Mr Bennet looked at his former son-in-law, if one could call him thus. He had been hit in the stomach by a bullet and his contorted face told Mr Bennet that his death had not been swift. He was a rational man, not prone to strong emotions like hate or anger but he had to quell the urge to feel a certain satisfaction that the man who had hurt his favourite daughter had suffered.

Together with John he wrapped the corpse in an oilskin cloth and drove home after sending the servant to Meryton to order a coffin. He drove the cart into an unused barn and locked the door, taking the horse to the stable. In the corner of his eye Mr Bennet saw curtains move in Lizzy’s room. He went upstairs to change. The surgeon was still with Col Brandon, not a good sign. When he emerged shortly afterwards, he was indeed doubtful of a recovery, fearing that fever would mean the end for his patient.

After breakfast – the others thankfully had only been told that there had been an accident – Lizzy followed her father into the library. There Mr Bennet told her of the reason for the duel.

“That poor woman! I pray the colonel survives. Otherwise, she is left without friends in the world!”

”True, we can only hope. – But I must admit I’m quite relieved that Willoughby is gone. I’m not proud of that feeling but that’s how it is.”

Lizzy was not prepared to discuss her feelings with her father yet.

“I still do not know what to think. The events six years past are so far away and I truly feel I’ve overcome them. – But Father, would you give me the key of the barn?”

Mr Bennet looked at her doubtfully.

“Do you think that wise? You just told me that past events have faded in your memory, do you want to relive them?”

“I’m not sure why I want to look at Willoughby for the last time but I feel for certain that it is necessary for my own peace of mind.”

“Well, I trust your judgment on this.”

“Thank you, Papa.”

Lizzy drew a deep breath before turning the key in the lock. Gingerly she stepped inside the barn. Not being a superstitious person, though it was the first dead person she was to see that close.

Elizabeth examined her reasons for coming here for the last time. She wanted to see Willoughby with her own eyes not because she wanted to be sure that he was dead but to correct her picture of him. He had become in her memory a larger-than-life-villain but her rational mind told her that he was – or had been – quite likely just the average irresponsible selfish rake.

Samuel had the best parents one could with for, she herself was well healed in every sense – Elizabeth felt she could put that part of her past to rest for good now. She drew back the cloth with one swift movement.

Willoughby’s skin was waxen. His handsome features were distorted by the agony of his dying. Lizzy looked for traces of the man she had fancied herself in love with more than six years ago but found none.

She felt a wave of relief wash over her as she experienced neither hatred nor anger directed at him but only a certain sadness for wasted possibilities. For Willoughby had had everything a young man could ask for – a good education, pleasing manners and an inheritance that, even if being not large would have enabled him to live comfortably, even more so as he had been the only heir of an aunt as well.

But he had chosen a life of gambling, drinking and philandering. Elizabeth was confident that whatever character trait Samuel had inherited from his natural father would turn out well under the Gardiner’s guide and care. She covered Willoughby’s face again after saying a prayer and locked the barn.

Returning the key to her father she assured him that looking at Willoughby for the last time had been the right decision.

To Lizzy’s surprise she found Mr Darcy in the drawing room, conversing with her mother. Both looked a little bit relieved at her entry and after lamenting for a while how a patient in the house grieved her compassionate heart, Mrs Bennet declared herself fatigued and shooed Lizzy and Darcy outside in the garden.

When riding to Longbourn stables, Darcy had seen Lizzy leaving the barn and had guessed what she’d done there. She was quiet and somehow subdued today, no wonder.

“Miss Bennet, I am well aware that you might require peace and solitude, please just tell me if that’s indeed the case. If you need a friend to talk too I am here.”

Elizabeth smiled at him, grateful for his silent understanding.

“I rather know than feel that a great weight has come off mine and my father’s shoulders but I cannot rejoice in today’s events. I cannot be happy that Willoughby is dead.”

Darcy eyed her thoughtfully. He remembered his emotions upon discovering Wickham’s plot in Ramsgate. He certainly had wished to beat the scoundrel up, to wipe that grin off his face, but kill him? Darcy didn’t think he would have been able to do this.

Elizabeth had misinterpreted his mien and rose to defend herself.

“I can see you do not understand me, Mr Darcy, but I am still convinced that no man should attempt to take another’s life, it is simply not right.”

“ You misunderstood my silence, Miss Bennet. I was thinking of Wickham, whether I should have challenged him. I share your opinion, you see. Dueling is illegal and it is irresponsible, anyway. While I felt a great urge to beat him up, I would be unable to kill him. At least, I hope I would have been. On the other hand, we do not know about Col Brandon, his provocations may have been worse.”

“They were, Willoughby left the colonel’s ward with child. But what good is it for her now? Who will look after her and her child should he die?”

Darcy only nodded. He knew he couldn’t raise the issue of marriage between them right now, but if their discussion continued in that vein he would be sorely tempted to offer to take her away from this place filled with so many sad memories now.

Elizabeth addressed him again.

“I am sorry to have misinterpreted you anew. Will you tell me of the event?”

Darcy sighed. It was no pleasant tale but Elizabeth of all people had a right to know.

“I heard shots and at first thought of poachers because I knew of no hunting party in Longbourn or Netherfield. So I approached carefully to investigate. Both participants of the duel – it had become clear to me that it had been one – were lying on the ground. Willoughby being nearer to me I dismounted to see if I would be able to help, as the colonel was already tended to by his second. I can hardly tell you what I felt when I realized who was lying there, in fact I did not have time to feel contempt for him because he gripped my hand as soon as I knelt at his side. I saw that he was mortally wounded. He seemed to think I was his mother, so I held him until it was over. I have to admit that for a fleeting time I thought about what misery he had put you through but seeing the agony he was in – “

Elizabeth laid her hand on Darcy’s arm.

“You need not elaborate, Mr Darcy. I – “ here she drew a deep breath “I saw his, er, corpse and his face spoke plainly of his sufferings.”

They walked on in silence, neither wanting to talk of the implications of this morning’s events. At length Mary came into the garden to fetch Lizzy for tea and Darcy said his farewells as he felt he couldn’t trespass on the Bennet’s hospitality any longer.

Chapter 12

Posted on Friday, 12 December 2003

Col. Brandon´s condition was declared as still to be life threatening by the surgeon who had come again to check on his patient, even more so as the colonel began to show signs of a fever. Willoughby´s bullet had hit him on the left shoulder.

Later that day Willoughby´s body had been fetched by the undertaker and sent back to Somersetshire. Mr. Bennet had removed Lydia and Kitty to their Aunt Phillips and the remaining sisters tried to distract their mother and to help Hill and John with the care for the patient.

Two days later an unknown party called at Longbourn. There were from Devon, a Sir John Middleton and the Misses Dashwood, Elinor and Marianne. Sir John was an old friend of Brandon’s, the Dashwoods' connections to the patient remained unexplained at first.

Mr. Bennet offered his hospitality and it was decided that they would stay at Longbourn until the colonel was better. The other possibility remained unspoken.

Miss Elinor Dashwood reminded Elizabeth of Jane, although she seemed to have a more practical disposition. Lizzy often caught her worried glances at her younger sister Marianne who appeared to be torn by grief. Lizzy knew she shouldn’t speculate but was rather convinced that Miss Marianne cherished a tender regard for the colonel. She was clearly very worried about him yet there seemed to be more to it.

As Marianne liked to be outside, she and Elizabeth often took walks together. Mr. and Miss Darcy didn’t call very often now, not to disturb the Bennet household, but they met them regularly on their walks. Mr. Darcy and Elinor were having lengthy discussions on philosophy and the classics in which Elizabeth would have loved to participate but she had her hands full with Miss Marianne and Miss Darcy.

The latter was sometimes frightened into muteness by Marianne’s mood swings – one moment she was full of raptures because of a blossom, the next a dead branch of a tree led her to very sombre reflections on transitions.

One evening Mrs. Bennet made a remark that cut Elizabeth to the core. Of course, she was used to her mother speculating on matches but this – Mrs. Bennet stated what a very good match Mr. Darcy would be for Miss Dashwood.

At first this notion seemed ridiculous to Elizabeth but after some thinking she had to concede that they would suit each other remarkably well and that they seemed to fall into easy conversation whenever in company together, not a small achievement for Darcy. She hadn’t detected any signs of love yet, but - …

The thought pained Lizzy. She had come to regard Mr. Darcy as her – as what? Friend? Confidante? Admirer? Her own for her asking?

Elizabeth had to admit that she was jealous. She’d always thought that a pathetic state of being but now was humbled. She’d had her chance, hadn’t she? Mr. Darcy had admired her for nearly a year and had pursued her hand for months. Didn’t she wish him all happiness he could find even if it could not be with her?

Lizzy admitted to herself that this would be hard indeed. Of course she wanted him happy but over the last few days she had nourished a small hope that there was indeed a future for herself with him.

What an ironic twist of fate! That he should forfeit her just when she was nearly ready to give him an answer that would have made him the happiest of men a month ago.

Elizabeth despised herself for her petty jealousy but was unable to shake it off. Neither reason nor her sense of pride enabled her to do so. Giving up the thought of finding sleep she pulled a shawl around her shoulders and went down to the library.

The light from her candle fell on Shakespeare’s and Donne’s works. Should she really torture herself with a sonnet, even one by the Bard, as it brought to her mind her conversation about poetry’s effect on love with Mr. Darcy, last autumn at Netherfield?

A big sigh escaped her lips.

“There, there, my child.”

Lizzy nearly dropped her candle, she hadn’t seen her father sitting in the darkened library.

“Father, you’re still up?”

“I’ve some things on my mind, same as you it seems. Besides, I have the irrational feeling that I might help the poor chap up in my room somehow by staying awake. Have you made up your mind which poet you’ll lend your attention?”

“I am afraid I can stand neither tonight. Maybe I should choose something perfectly boring.”

“I have just the right book for you. It is about crop rotation, Mr. Darcy has lent it to me. The subject is no doubt a sensible one, and profitable as well but I really wish I had a steward whom I could order to read it and apply the wisdom it contains. You would do me a favour by reading it.”

Elizabeth was not thrilled by the subject but it was a book Darcy had held in his hands. She took it.

“It can’t be worse than Fordyce I presume.”

“No, not at all. And it can’t be useless either or Darcy wouldn’t have recommended it. Sensible man he is, quite astonishing for such a young fellow.”

“Ah, yes. Good night, Papa.”

“Good night.”

Lizzy was nearly at the door when Mr. Bennet added

“By the way, I do not agree with you mother that Mr. Darcy and Miss Dashwood would make a well matched couple. I always thought he could benefit from a wife with a lively disposition.”

Elizabeth froze. When she realized that her father wouldn’t continue she forced herself to speak.

“We must not speculate on such things.”

“No, indeed not.”

Embarrassed Lizzy fled upstairs. Was she that obvious? Stroking the book absentmindedly she forced herself to apply logic. Her father had most certainly based his remark on his observation of Mr. Darcy, besides, Mr. Bennet had not teased her, rather offered reassurance. In short, she had nothing to fear but her own heart. The thought that Mr. Darcy could be so fickle as to redirect his affections during a mere week seemed ridiculous now.

Should she encourage Mr. Darcy? Elizabeth still couldn’t find it in her heart to do so quite openly. In her rational mind she knew that he had to have some motivation to propose a second time yet she was reluctant, too deep ingrained was her dislike of such forward behaviour as Miss Bingley and her ilk frequently displayed.

Charlotte’s words of last autumn about Jane’s reserve came to her mind. Although her friend’s motivation had been wrong, her reasoning had been sound. Elizabeth would have to find a way to show her change of heart to Mr. Darcy.

Mr. Bennet watched his favourite go. His comment had indeed been based upon his study of Mr. Darcy. He had been long since convinced that the young man liked Elizabeth quite a lot. Elizabeth’s reaction to her mother’s unasked for speculations had shown her father that Lizzy seemed to have at least some regard for Mr. Darcy as well.

He didn’t envy her the task of telling her admirer about Willoughby but somehow sensed that his interference there would be wrong and unwanted by Lizzy. What he’d seen of Mr. Darcy’s character this past weeks had convinced Mr. Bennet that if there was a young man who could digest such a revelation it was Mr. Darcy. On the other hand Mr. Darcy had his pride. His reputation was impeccable; his whole family was so honourable it was really quite boring. Mr. Bennet hoped that he could overcome his sense of familial duty and propriety enough to be a good husband to Elizabeth.

Of one thing Mr. Bennet was sure – should Mr. Darcy feel himself to be unable to show Elizabeth the respect she deserved he wouldn’t marry her. He wouldn’t make her his wife only to hold her youthful indiscretion against her.

On going upstairs Lizzy heard a sound from her father’s room. She feared that Col Brandon’s condition had changed for the worse and therefore entered quickly.

Miss Marianne was at the colonel’s bedside, holding his hand, tears running down her cheeks.

“Oh, please, Christopher, please come back. Do not leave me.”

Marianne hadn’t noticed Lizzy´s entry. As gentle as possible, Elizabeth touched her shoulder.

“Please, Miss Marianne, there’s nothing you can do for him. Let me take you back to your room.”

Col Brandon had a constant fever. The surgeon had suspected it to be malaria, a suspicion Sir John was able to confirm to some extent. This was better than gangrene obviously but the colonel hadn’t gained consciousness again since the duel and grew weaker every day. If he didn’t wake up soon he would die.

Miss Marianne let herself be escorted to the room she was sharing with her sister. As Miss Dashwood woke up when Elizabeth opened the door, Lizzy knew Marianne to be in good hands and went back to her own room. She pitied Marianne greatly. Obviously there was no official understanding between the young woman and the colonel but that she cared for him deeply was clear.

Elizabeth felt quite foolish but she couldn’t help herself. She caressed the book about crop rotation, ran her fingers along Darcy’s name on the ex libris. The volume was slim enough to be carried around in a coat pocket and Lizzy detected a faint whiff of Mr. Darcy’s cologne. Finally she was able to find sleep.

Chapter 13

The next morning, due to Elizabeth´s short night, Lydia and Kitty were at Longbourn for a visit before their elder sister was up. When knocking produced no answer Lydia entered Lizzy´s room. Lizzy was still fast asleep, cradling a book. It had to be a volume of poetry. Lydia snatched it away from Lizzy´s arms, thus awakening her.

Lizzy froze in fear that Lydia should open the book but after she´d read the title she exclaimed

“Crop rotation? La, Lizzy, you´re an old maid already! Breakfast´s ready!”

With that she flipped the book back on Elizabeth´s bed.

Lizzy went down still a bit rattled. She returned the book to the library. Thankfully Lydia´s attention was already occupied by something else.

As soon as possible Elizabeth slipped outside for a walk only to be joined by Miss Marianne. Out of sight from Longbourn the latter addressed her.

“You must despise me because of last night.”

Elizabeth took her time to answer.

“Miss Marianne, I am in no position to judge your behaviour. I think however – forgive me if I´m going too far by saying this – that I could not stay away if the man I loved was in danger. Propriety would be my least concern.”

“Oh, I do love him, I do. And now I might never get a chance to tell him!”

“Do not despair, his fever is not from his wound. And I don´t think Sir John or my father or your sister would object to you sitting with Col Brandon with the door ajar, perhaps reading to him.”

“Do you? Oh Miss Elizabeth, if that would be so! I know it is a selfish wish for redemption for I have treated him so abominably, I cannot think of it without shame. And now he might not have a chance to learn of my change of heart! I could understand if he doesn´t want to see me anymore but – if he only would get well again!”

Lizzy did not speak for a while, the sentiments uttered by Marianne hit too close to home. With a shudder she remembered the moment when she happened upon Darcy in his bloodstained shirt.
She made a resolution. She would forsake propriety and her own pride and let him know how much he meant to her. Even if his regard had waned, she would tell him.

A letter from Jane arrived for Elizabeth. Mrs Bennet tried to snatch it away so Lizzy started to read it aloud, purposely omitting the warm greeting Jane sent to Mr Bingley. Bingley and Jane deserved a courtship untainted for once by her mother´s meddling. Lizzy only hoped that Bingely would call in the near future, she would have liked to write Jane his answer.

The afternoon brought a visit not only from Bingely but from Miss and Mr Darcy too. As Sir John and the Misses Dashwood as well as Lydia and Kitty were present tea was a noisy affair. Miss Marianne had spent the better part of the morning reading to Col Brandon and her spirits had risen. She now was with Mary and Miss Darcy at the piano, they were discussing Mary´s selection for today´s entertainment.

Elizabeth had greeted Darcy with a warm smile that made him hope as he hadn´t dared to hope before. He had pondered the wisdom of his waiting – now that Willoughby was dead shouldn´t he breach the subject of marriage again? – but now Elizabeth seemed to have reached a conclusion on her own. Darcy cautioned himself against reading too much in one smile but for once he felt a great notion to dance a jig. When wondering how he could entice the company to some impromptu dancing something Mrs Bennet said drew his attention.

Obviously the odious Mr Collins had had the presumption to propose to Elizabeth! Darcy cringed with mortification for his beloved´s sake. What a family! Mrs Bennet embarrassed her daughter most cruelly and Mr Bennet seemed only amused by the display. Darcy had come to like Elizabeth's father but this he could not excuse.

Elizabeth bore her mother´s scolding for not accepting Mr Collins with – Darcy feared well practiced – dignity.

“To have Charlotte Lucas as mistress of Longbourn, it is not to be borne!”

“Stay calm, my dear, I am not yet dead.”

“Mark my words, Lizzy, you won´t get another offer!”

Here Lydia chimed in

“La, I dare say Lizzy is quite resigned to die an old maid, just imagine, I found her this morning cradling a book about crop rotation!”

This drew Mr Bennet´s anger, a fact that Lydia noticed immediately. Quickly she mumbled

“Forgive me, Lizzy, I spoke out of turn.”

Elizabeth only nodded, to Darcy´s surprise overspread with the deepest blush.

Mary did not know why her sister was that embarrassed but she started to play a piece for four hands with Miss Marianne, Miss Darcy turning the pages for them, to draw the attention from Elizabeth. Lizzy still hadn´t raised her head and Darcy replayed Lydia´s remark in his mind to find out the hidden meaning. He saw Miss Elizabeth´s lower lip beginning to tremble as she quickly left the room. Suddenly it dawned on him! Could it have been his book? The very one he lent Mr Bennet? Having read the volume thoroughly he knew it couldn’t be the subject she was cradling the book for.

That she cared for him he knew, that she liked and esteemed him he had suspected for a while. Could it be more? If Elizabeth indeed had come to love him that opened two possibilities. Either she was waiting for him to make the next step or she was trying to come to terms with never marrying the man she loved. The book episode confirmed Darcy´s fears that the latter could be, that she still carried the ridiculous notion of harming him and Georgiana if she agreed to marry him. He had to find out.

Mr Bennet´s reaction to Lydia´s comment told Darcy that he at least suspected why those words could hurt Lizzy more than anything her mother had said. Darcy sought the elder man's eye with an unspoken question. Mr Bennet answered with a nearly imperceptible nod and Darcy used the bustle of rearranging the chairs so the company could see the musicians to slip out undetected. He would quite likely find Elizabeth in the garden. As he turned his steps there he heard quiet sobbing from the library. Darcy entered after only a light knock and drew the door shut after him.

Elizabeth hadn´t heard him, still crying and crumpling her already soaked handkerchief. Darcy gently touched her shoulder and offered his own.

Lizzy was mortified. This was not the way she´d though of telling Mr Darcy of her feelings. She took the handkerchief without turning around and tried to compose herself.

Did it really matter? Of course she would have liked a different setting when telling him but in the end it wouldn´t make any difference. Elizabeth turned to face Mr Darcy.

“Mr Darcy, please accept my apologies for what you had to witness just now, Lydia didn´t – “

Darcy halted her by taking her hands.

“Lydia is an exuberant child who hasn´t learned to apply her wit properly yet and your mother is sometimes overzealous in ensuring her daughters happiness. Do not be embarrassed on their behalf, I will forever cherish them because through them I learned that I might hope. – Elizabeth, am I wrong?”

Elizabeth began to feel that she could cherish Lydia and Mamá as well, especially if they were in Hertfordshire and she herself in Derbyshire.

With a tremendous smile she pressed his fingers.

“Mr Darcy, ah, Fitzwilliam, I´ve been wanting to tell you for some time now that I, er, I do no longer see any impediments and, ah, that I would be the happiest of women to be near you always.”

There, it was said. At the heartfelt delight that overspread his features she felt tears rise again in her eyes, tears of joy this time.

“Elizabeth, will you marry me?”

“Yes, I will.”

Darcy raised her trembling fingers to his lips and a sigh escaped him. He had always admired her fine eyes but never had they shone like this. As Darcy saw her gaze travel down from his own eyes to his lips he rightly guessed what was on her mind. Far from being offended he tentatively enquired

“Dearest, may I kiss you?”

Eliazbeth only raised her face to his and closed her eyes. Their lips met in a very tender way for the first time, savouring the sensation. Darcy held back to caress her mouth in the most gentle manner and soon his patience was rewarded by Lizzy returning his kiss. As they broke apart he drew his arms around her and she snuggled close to his chest. Neither spoke as words were not necessary.

A ripple of applause alerted them to the outside world.

“Shall I ask your father for his consent today?”

“Yes, I think it´s best although I do not want to tell the rest of the family just now.”

When Mr Bennet entered his library one look at their faces told him that he would loose his favourite soon.

“Mr Bennet, may I have a word with you?”

“Ah, of course. Lizzy - ?”

“Papá, Mr Darcy knows everything.”

Mr Bennet was not quick enough to hide his astonishment and when a little later he learned the particulars of their courtship he did fear no longer for Elizabeth´s happiness in marriage.

Epilogue

Elizabeth was truly happy indeed.

Mrs Gardiner´s fears that her experience with Willoughby would mar her ability to enjoy the physical side of marriage proved to be groundless. The Darcys had three boys and two girls who all did them proud.

Samuel stayed with his family although Darcy had assured Elizabeth that he would welcome him into their family should she or the Gardiners wish so. He became his father´s successor in a well run business and Lizzy was forever his favourite cousin.

Col Brandon´s fever abated and he opened his eyes one day soon after Elizabeth´s and Darcy´s engagement to the enchanting sight of Miss Marianne having fallen asleep over a volume of Donne´s sonnets. Then he was too weak to truly appreciate this but as he recovered quickly there were more possibilities to enjoy her company and they too were married - after a shockingly short engagement.

Mr Bingley as always had followed his best friends example and proposed to his Bennet sister on the second day after her return so that Mrs Bennet got rid of her most deserving daughters on one day.

Georgie found happiness as well but not after she had spent several more years with her brother, his wife who had become her best friend and her eldest niece and nephew as a much loved aunt.

Mr Bennet delighted in going to Pemberley when he was least expected. He was also the only one who knew why a volume about crop rotation held its place on a shelf amongst the Darcys favourite books.

The End